The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 194 - Joel Creasey & Rhys Nicholson

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

Karl's Dying Wishes, Amnesia Fingers and Dumder.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us and sitting opposite me is the other half of the show, the currently in Thailand, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. You were saluting yourself as I counted down there. So, yeah, this is the last episode that we've recorded before I go to Thailand. Ever.

Bye, everyone. Yeah. But, yes, you're off tomorrow. We thought we'd go out on a high on a five-second episode. The best we've ever been. The first time you've ever edited Finally an episode I didn't get bored of Said everyone ever

No So I am going tomorrow In normal non-podcast Time frame Which you know We started to think about it last week And I just I had a

I think about it between episodes You know I am travelling Malaysian air to Thailand, there and back. So there's a big chance that I'm going to perish. A massive chance. I'd be surprised if I'm alive. We're recording this a week and a half before we put it up. This recording could be being used in a court case currently

against Malaysian air. I want this to be the tribute episode to Carla Fowler. I want this to – I want to say right now, thanks everyone for listening over the years. Yep. Thank you, Tommy, for being part of the – in some way a part of the podcast for the last couple of years. I want to say –

That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. Thanks, mate. I want to say I love you, Tommy. I want to say I love you. Well, I mean you'll be missed by some people. Me, probably not one of them. Do you give me permission to recast you, to continue the podcast with someone else?

This is what I've been thinking about. I've been thinking about it. Absolutely not. I want you to retire the podcast. Okay. I don't want an episode of this ever to come out again. Not only that, I want you to retire from comedy. That was going to be my next question. I don't think an episode of this ever to come out again. Not only that, I want you to retire from comedy. That was going to be my next question. I don't think that's a big ask.

What am I allowed to do? What things would you be okay with me doing? You're allowed to go and see comedy still. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I won't miss it at all. So I'll be pretty happy to just sit there and watch all my old friends. Yeah, go and visit. So you catch up on how they're

going. Yeah, probably don't talk to them because you're not in comedy anymore. It's pretty weird. Yeah, it's pretty weird. Yeah, just be really enthusiastic in the crowd because you know what comedians like. There's a lot of laughter. So put all what you've learned in comedy into being a really great audience member. Yeah, I'll sit up the front. I'll request bits that I really like.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Ask for autographs and photos and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Well, I have no further questions. Do you have any idea for any jobs that I can, what can I get into now that I'm, you know, the thing that I've

devoted most of my life to at this point? You know, what jobs do I have your permission to do? Give me three jobs that I can do. Alright. Manual labour. I think you'd be a really good bricklayer. Yep, very suited for that. Bricklayer's number one. If you can't get into that, I think one of be a really good bricklayer. Yep, very suited for that. Bricklayer. Great. Bricklayer's number one. If you can't get into that, I think one of those guys that just permanently gets 50 bucks a go for having brain tests, you know, when they go in.

Yeah, that real thing, sure. No, this is a real thing. I heard of it once because Oliver Clarke, friend of the show, used to do these tests near me, near where I live, and he'd go, oh, you've got nothing to do. Why don't you come up and get your head hooked up to these electrodes and then you just watch TV and they figure out how your brain works. That sounds like a Scientology test that he's been tricked into doing. So you can do that. Okay, so that's two, bricklayer. Just give me one more.

I need some options. Brain test dude. And your third will be male escort. Okay. Yeah, sure. Obviously. Can't believe that slipped your head. I mean, I'll think of another one because those three are so similar.

I should probably think of a different one as well. Yeah. Well, if you're listening, I mean, this is the last episode that's ever going to go out potentially. If you're listening and you're in any of those industries and you can help me out, I mean, I've got no experience. This is basically my CV. So any listeners that have hookups for bricklaying,

brain testing or male escorting. If this helps, it is my dying wish for you to become employed. Well, to send this podcast out on a high, we've got two fantastic guests. First of all, you know him from Balls of Steel. You know him from How So of Steel. You know him from House Owes the Movie. Fuck you. You know him from

me and Carl staying at his house every time we go to Sydney. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Race Nicholson. Yay! And of those three, you should put the last one on your poster to be honest. That's the least humiliating one. Coffee beds, Carl and Tommy. You know, sometimes I forget I've been in such awful poster to be honest that's the least humiliating one coffee beds carl and tommy uh you know i

sometimes i forget i've been in such awful choices and until i was doing adelaide comedy festival at adelaide fringe this year and klitzel was on and apparently i'm very famous with one group of people awesome 30 photos a day yeah people like 30 people wanted a photo because of balls of steel uh no because well yours of Steel and Howzo's put together. Oh, put together. Okay. Yeah, they are the same demo, aren't they? I got That Faggot from Telly the most.

You should jump on the domain of that, thatfaggotfromtelly.com. No one's going to be sitting on that. .net. .net, yeah,.org. We're a charity. Yeah. Also returning to the podcast You know him from League of Their Own You may have seen him on the gala this year Please welcome back into the little Dumb Dumb Club

Joel Creasy Thank you Can I just say I'm so pleased to be here on the finale episode I mean what a treat Are there going to be fireworks? Well it could be like the finale episode of Seinfeld Where it's just the biggest The really sucky one

We go to prison? I was going to say, I hope you're going to say like Oprah and Celine Dion was going to come in and sing you guys a song in a minute. I think we should sing a song together at the end. Yeah. I've got a beautiful one. Does the finale of Seinfeld suck? I feel like it's pretty good. I feel like it's aged well at the very least.

I'm going back to it because at the time everyone hated it. Yeah, but I actually think it's better than a lot of other – You know why I think people like it though? Because it was very Larry David and now people like Coober Enthusiasm. Yeah. So they've gone back and gone, oh, it's sort of like Coober Enthusiasm, so it's fine.

But in terms of just flat out fan service, like everyone coming back, it's great. That's what we should do for this. We should – we need to – I mean, I need to tie up my door story for one. Yeah. We need to play a bit of Mario Kart where we're here. Man, I've been teasing it for four weeks now. I was in a public toilet and I'm coming out of the public toilet.

Yeah, hello. And that's where the story got cut off. What have you done by putting Joel and I on this podcast? And then thinking I could get away with just saying the phrase coming out. Or just come. Just being male. Please, guys, a little respect for my dying wish. Sorry.

Yeah, let's not give me – let's not make me miss comedy too much. All right. I don't want to – So what do you want to – have you decided on a job yet? Male escort kind of sounds like the most – That's the best of the three? The best of the three, yeah. But then it would frustrate me because that's such good material

for a comedy show and I can never go back. Maybe blog for mamamia.com or something. Yeah, but how am I going to make a living off that? When they don't pay. What about you could do phone sex for heterosexual male pedophiles? I could do that. You've got like a little girl's voice. Just quickly, is Mamma Mia the sound that you make

when your invoice comes back unpaid? Joel, fresh from the gym, in your backwards hat and your shorts. I look ridiculous. And the gayest trainers in the world, they're very bright. I bullied someone at Nike into giving these to me for free. Really? Yeah. Free Nike?

Yeah, I was filming a show and I was just like, well, you can give me some shoes. And they rocked up like six months later. I was like, well, they picked the gayest shoes. That's nice. What do you mean? You just mentioned Nike in your show? When we were doing League of Their Own, someone from Nike came along and I was like, well, give me some free shoes.

And I just didn't let up. And six months later, after the show had been cancelled, the shoes arrived. Is this hush money? Yeah, I know. It's so weird. Because that's the thing. People from brands kind of underestimate, I think, the thrill of getting free stuff from them. Do you know what I mean?

Like you sort of say it as a joke and then I've been in that position for where I've had to just keep going and people are like still going, ah, yeah, good one, as if you're sad enough to just take whatever free shit we have. I'll take anything. No, no, no, I'll have anything at all. I've never gotten anything. I've never gotten anything. No. I got free takeaway the other. I'll take anything. No, no, no, I'll have anything at all. I've never gotten anything. I've never gotten anything.

No. I got free takeaway the other night. Oh, wow. I ordered some takeaway Monday night from this place and menu log and go downstairs and it arrives and there's these two queens waiting for me and they're like, we thought it must be you. We're really big fans. Here's your money back.

Oh. And they gave me a cake with a candle in it and they said, happy queen's birthday, queen. Wow. So to me that says that they've seen the name come through and they know your work and it might not be you, but they've taken the gamble. But is that freaky because now they know your address?

Well, I don't know. I think it's freakier for them because they said, any time you want a free meal, let us know, and they don't realise what they've got themselves into. Can we say what place this is? They were called Red Quinoa. It was delicious food. Although I actually don't want to order from there

again because I don't want to feel guilty like I'm trying to get free food all the time. Taking advantage, yeah. But you live in Docklands, don't you? Yes. I'm not going to give the exact address away. But I don't know. Just. I'm not going to give the exact address away. Just get a job with a restaurant that's sponsored through Menu Log and you'll be able to find out where Joel is sooner or later. I worked at Grilled in every six hours.

I got a free burger and a medium chip. Do you have to wait until six hours until you can have the burger? Yes. I worked there too. Did you work at Grilled? Yeah. Every six hours. Every six hours.

So it's not like if you start at like 11 and then lunchtime's at 1, you don't just get an automatic. No. You've got to like build up. You've got to build up. Are you allowed an extra or do you have to work like an extra hour for bacon? Yeah. Avocado's two hours extra because that shit is expensive.

Let's get back to Rhys' home. Do we have to? We played there for a second. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Was it House Owes and... House O's? Because let me very quickly say... My coming suicide video?

Let me quickly say, the last time you were on the show, we got to the end of the recording and you said something like, oh, you know, you didn't bring up any of this. Like, you'd just been kind of like holding your breath the whole time,

hoping that we wouldn't get to House O's. Yeah, pretty much. And then, yeah. And let's cement that, because I'm sure Paul Fennec's a listener. Let's make sure I'm never in it again. They're the ones that won a Logia, though. Yeah.

We've got the same manager. Yeah. Howzo's and I have the same manager. Yeah. Our ex-manager, who we talked about last time you were on the show. It was like for like swap. They got rid of usse and got house house.

Yeah, so to the listeners, when you're dead and when this podcast is gone, just get some house house DVDs. That's the same thing. Okay, that's my new choice for your occupation. You become one of the house house. Hang on, but you said I can't do comedy. That's right. There you go. I'm going to use this dynamic. When were you in Households? I was in the movie

I feel like I should know this as your very close friend I was in the movie with the theatrical release My name was on the poster right next to Barry Crocker That's pretty cool Yeah, in like the bottom bit In the bottom bit, in really, what are they called? The little tiny writing The really long, yeah

The thin, squished in type, whatever are they called? The little tiny writing. The really long, yeah. The thin, squished in type, whatever it's called. My name was in that bit. Wow. That's very cool. Okay, that's a new aim of mine. I want to have my name in that sort of type. I can make that happen for you.

Just make some poor choices. No, but I also have to rely on someone else making poor choices in casting me, to be fair. No, well, it worked for me. So just have some bills to pay and get really desperate and start saying yes to things. But it's also, I mean, like regardless of what you think of it as a thing, like you're in a comedy movie. Yeah. Like that's pretty cool.

Like that's, you know, that's a big thing. That's a big thing that most comedians in like anywhere, but especially this country will never get to do. Yeah. Me, Ostentatious. Yahoo Serious. Yahoo Serious. Yahoo Serious. Joe Dolce.

Ugly Dave Gray. Kevin Bloody Wilson. You guys should all tour together. I have this really confusing, I have an IMDB page, but it's really confusing because there's a cameraman called Reece Nicholson as well. Right. And so every now and then I've just done some writing,

directing and cinematography on a movie called The Reef 4 and I keep getting his Google Alerts sometimes. So that's not you that's on The Reef? That's not me that's on The Reef. I did see that. Yeah. I like that you look into this thing. Yeah, yeah.

The Reef 4. And so I'm an actor, comedian, director and filmmaker. Oh, great. Yeah. I get his remittance sometimes because we have very similar. Do people hit him up on Grindr as well? Yes. Or does it go the other way?

Yeah. Hang on, you get paid for him? No, no, I don't get his money. He doesn't have the bank details. I've been stealing his money for the last five years. No, because you said I get his remittance because we've got very similar and I thought you were going to say like bank details. That would be incredible If your account number

Was like one of That sounds like an Adam Sandler movie Yeah And that's how I met my dad We will live to see the day When Adam Sandler does a movie Called Remittance Advice Where he's accidentally

Getting someone else's pay When you went to work on Houses Did they put you behind a camera? Yeah They thought I was like Yeah Yeah is that? That's a silly thought.

You'll be on the poster in the thin type. Is that like director of photography? Is that the bit you're in? Yeah. You guys should team up. You should only, you guys should be like a, you know, like a couple, like a, you know. A couple.

You should date him. A couple. You should date him. Dating Riz. Yeah. Because that means that when we finally get married, we won't have to change Our names at all

Exactly Yeah No you take on his name So you become Reece Nicholson Nicholson And it'll be finally okay When I say my name Just as I come

Yeah No you should change Your name to Reece Nicholson Junior Yeah If you're the younger one Start calling him dad Yeah

No but you should Go into business with him Where it's like Anything that either of you do It's a package deal couple. Start calling him dad. Yeah. No, but you should go into business with him where it's like anything that either of you do, it's a package deal. People want him to mount a camera. You need someone in front of that camera. If you want me to mount a camera. Get my boy, me.

Yeah. What was that noise you just made? Do you do that thing where your friend, because I do this, I friended every Carl Chandler I could find on Facebook. Oh, you're that person. Yeah. It pays off sometimes for me as a friend of yours on Facebook and in real life, not to brag, but you

come up, it'll come up, you do something and then it's sometimes the only people who've gotten to like it yet are other Carl Chandlers. And it's like a great thing where it's like Carl Chandler poses this, Carl Chandler and one other likes this and then it's one other who's the other? Oh, the other Carl Chandler. Ronnie Chang has the same thing

in that he can't have Ronnie Chang in anything because this is one. Ronnie has to be the Ronnie Chang because there's this other Ronnie that's like posted two things on everything and they're just pictures of this like kind of fat Korean guy just sitting there going, I hope that he talks like Ronnie as well. Like this is kind of just me hanging out. No, you can't have this one You can't have this one

You have to be the Ronnie Chang There are only two photos But they're really great photos I did that recently I accidentally tagged I tagged that guy That you're talking about Yeah yeah

On Instagram And people He's the bane of Ronnie's existence People got really angry about it Like people in the comments Of my Instagram photo Going ah that's the wrong Ronnie Chang that you've tagged

Ronnie's got so much money now Couldn't he just buy him Yeah Yeah Ronnie's got more money than God Ronnie Couldn't he just buy him? Yeah. Ronnie's got more money than God. Ronnie could have him killed, yeah. Hey, I got a text message, as I want to do, from people I don't know because my phone number is out there in the internet, in the whatever it is.

Thanks to a little bloke over there that I said I loved him before. Joel. Oh, wait. That one. Joel gave it to Menulog. before. Joel. Oh, wait. That one. Joel gave it to Menu Log and they're a bunch of free food. A bunch of bloody

tattletales down there. I got a text message the other day and I was quite delighted with it. It was from a listener. I don't know who it was from because these people generally text me

and not say their names but finally Dumb Dumb is paying off for some people out there. This guy got a match with a quite attractive young lady on Tinder and they had a shared interest there, Little Dum Dum Club. I have had a few of them sent to me, actually. Emily, 22, her interests are Little Dum Dum Club, Queen, the band, and Nintendo 64.

So the text message from this guy was, this girl added me on Tinder and she likes Dum Dum Club. What should I use as my opening line? And I went, ha ha, really? Your opening line should be, do you like moose? And so he sent that. And then she said, she hasn't replied. She's obviously more of a Daslo fan

And my reply was Better off without her then This is the most boring radio play I've ever heard Then he screenshots the correspondence Where he's actually asked Do you like Moose? And she's finally responded Ha ha why?

Meaning she's not a true fan She doesn't know She maybe heard like one episode Yeah, yeah, exactly She says ha ha why? He she's not a true fan. She doesn't know. She maybe heard like one episode. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She says, haha, why? He says, Nando's date? Oh, God. This is awkward.

What is wrong with your fans? She says, that might get a little bit too hot. Whatever that means. Oh, wow. Obviously not going for lemon and herb. Yeah, yes, exactly. She says, that might get a little bit too hot. Whatever that means. Oh, wow. Obviously not going for lemon and herb. Yeah. Yes, exactly.

So he said, yeah, look, check it out. She messaged back. And I went, yes. And she said, then he didn't give me the rest of the correspondence, but then he said, she's just agreed to make mousse for me. What? Thanks, Chando. I'll think of you when I'm eating the moose. I owe you one.

Oh, my God. This is so wrong. What the fuck? I wonder what he sent her to get a bit of moose action. But I love this because she doesn't get it. She doesn't know what's going on. But she's still going. She's making moose for him.

She obviously hasn't. Someone she's never met. Like Joel said, she's probably listened to one episode. Probably came up, you know, the episode with, you know, I don't know, Adam Hills came up and she likes Adam Hills or something like that. Tommy Little probably. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, something like that.

Who? Tommy Little. Who? Oh, yeah, you're right. I don't know who's that. You don't know the guy? The guy who was host of the TV show. Oh, Tommy Little.

Oh, yeah, that one. Was that who's sending you this text? Is that Tommy Little? No, no, no. But, yeah, she's Listened to one episode maybe randomly So doesn't know any of the terminology Anything we've ever talked about

And he's just getting Just someone saying Do you like moose? Do you like moose? That's how that reads If someone said do you like moose to me I would've been like Are you calling me fat?

Yeah And then followed up with Want to go to Nando? Yeah Back down I will say this fat. And then followed up with want to go to Nando. Yeah, back down. I will say this. Good on her for going along with it. I mean, it's a little weird and

she does sound like she's a decent chance of getting murdered. Yeah, she's wandering into rapes. Yeah, but I have to say at the same time I was thinking about this the other day. It kind of bugs me a bit. Like there's sort of turned into this thing with Tinder and not that I'm like I have never used it, but like if people get like girls posting like sort of

screen grabs of the things that guys have said to them and sure there are a lot of fuckheads on there there's a lot of guys just going oh you want to come on your face or whatever and that's no good but you know guys you hadn't where can i see these no i mean like people posting these screen grabs on their facebook yeah and then but then they'll just be guys that are just you know there's so many people on there that guys are getting on and just trying to say something funny and different and interesting to start it off and then people are putting those screen grabs up going oh yeah good one who do i like best in the movie of Aladdin? Oh, yeah. You're a funny one, big guy. As if I'm seeing you blocked.

Yeah. It's so passionate. Or people write funny responses, like arsehole responses. They're like, I'm going to screenshot this and put it on my face. My friends are going to think I'm so sassy and fun. Like, no, you're fucking sad. Yeah, and it bugs me because it's like you clicked match with this person. Yeah.

That's the only reason you're in a communication now. Yeah, you're the desperate one on an internet device where you're welcoming in strangers. So you're not allowed to do that. Is someone not on it? Like is anyone actually hooking up on there or is it just like people going on awkward dates and then ripping piss on people on Facebook?

Well, it was our thing. I mean the homosexuals, we came up with the whole, you know, the app because Grindr was us. Yeah, because Tinder is just like a spin-off of Grindr. Yeah, totally. It's like a spin off Yeah Yeah totally It's like the I think they I've got

One of my best friend Hooks up from Tinder She's a lady Yeah Okay She gets results Yeah I mean she works hard

She's on there constantly Yeah She's very good at it That's the impression I get from it That you need to be Like non-stop Yeah And you need to be

You need to be swiping Why? Crazy Why do you need to do it so much? Well to find Like the person That's actually going to Hook up with you

Is it hard Is it just a lot of Mentals on there Is there a lot of I think there's a lot of I don't know I think there's a lot of I think there's a lot of

Rubberneckers Like people just kind of Having a squiz Right And you know You're not going to Match with everyone So you've got to be

I think it seems like You've got to be not like You've got to be Fairly lenient In who you let through the net Maybe people that you Otherwise if you saw them In the street

You would never think Yeah Yeah I'd do them Yeah You know Grindr Because we I never used Grindr

For what it was for I only ever would just I was the one That was taking screenshots Of fucking heinous people Oh yeah you were that person You had a blog didn't you I'd have a blog

Oh here we go Dedicated to this You were very solemn Before when I went on one of my classic rants. No, I was enjoying it. You were like the Martin Luther King of perverts. Can I have that as a dream? And it's wet. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Snip, snip. I enjoyed that. Thanks, Dad. Yeah, no, I used to just, but just out of the people that would start conversations with me just opening things like handjob in a public bathroom, Yeah no I used to Just But just out of the The people that would start Conversations With me Just opening things like Handjob in a public bathroom And just really fucked things

It's like Can you take a fist Like I think I'll be I think I'll be Apparently you look like the guy That'll take a fist Yeah

But Grindr wasn't It was kind of Yeah I don't know Grindr was for Yeah Straight up People are on Tinder Trying to find relationships, aren't they?

Even though it does still have that thing of matching who's near you. But no app is ever, like Grindr never outwardly said, hey, if you want to fuck, you want to fuck, right? It was called Grindr. They insinuated it in every other way. And its emblem is like a skull, isn't it? It's like a gas mask or something. No one needs to... Fuck off it.

What else do they have to do to insinuate random sex? Did you say with the skin fucked off it? Yeah. Facial friction burns. Wow, that's a real visual. It brings out the worst in me. Yeah. Genuinely.

So what does that mean? So we get what Grindr means. And what does Tinder mean? What does that mean? It's like Tinder. You're falling down from the spike in the drink. It sounds way too close to tinea for me. Yeah. Itchy feet in the shower.

What does Tinder mean? Two people in love, duh. Oh, yeah. Got it. Yeah, there you go. I'm glad I'm dying tomorrow. But it's funny that it's this Yeah that it's this thing

That's kind of seen As this like It's you know This big Sort of It's the way of dating now It's the more It's a spin off of the

It's the Frasier of dating apps Yes But Frasier's the one that won All the Emmys And stuff like that Yeah Yeah

Even though it was A much worse show. But that's what I mean is like you see news reports and stuff on like how people are hooking up now on Tinder. Like there wasn't, I mean there was a bit of coverage of Grindr but it wasn't until it was. Not on Channel 7. Yeah, exactly.

The project weren't doing a bit on people getting handjobs in Dunnies from this crazy new app. It was on the Metro whip. Tonight in Adelaide. I've noticed a lot of, a lot of the, like my lady friends, like,

like people that work in the, that are like proper businessy people, ladies are using it more than guys, I think. Like it's, yeah, like they're kind of, I don't know why,

maybe they feel less rapey about it. Cause what was the other, Blender? Is there anything called Blender? Blender was the, yeah, Blender was the original. Oh,

was it? Blender was the original Tinder. Yeah. I saw a cab driver using Blender the other day. I thought Blender was the original Oh was it? Blender was the original Tinder I thought Blender was the lesbians one No the lesbian one is Fista That's Ulta Fista The lesbian one is called Pink Couch Pink Couch?

No wasn't it? Growler is for bears I'm sure it's Pink Sofa or Pink Couch Wasn't it? Oh, no, growler is for bears. You could be making up anything at this point. No, I'm sure it's pink sofa or pink couch. Really? Yeah. Just the man in the little boat. Because I do a hacky joke in my stand-up about the lesbian.

Wasn't it comfy shoe? Trying to see what would pop up a shelf. I do a really hacky joke where I say the lesbian app is just, you just download the Bunnings to Locator app, and every night a lesbian yells out something like, pink sofa or pink couch, which is the actual answer. Yeah, I'm like, all right. Okay, cool.

Thank you, lesbian. Yeah. I'll just put facts into my comedy routine instead. Good suggestion. Hey, dating in this online world, eh? Yeah. What's it really about? Well, see, I got excited by all this, by the original text message

because I thought, what if we had our first dum-dum related matching and wedding? And they have two kids. And baby. Yep. dum-dum related matching and wedding? And they have two kids. And baby. Dum-dum baby. A little boy, Carl, and a little girl, Tommy. And the least they can do is name their baby after me after I died tragically in flames one million feet above.

Its middle name is died tragically in flames. The least they can do is baptise the baby in mousse. They've just got a giant pot and they just baptise the baby in mousse. Yes. They've just got a giant pot and they just submerge the baby in for a couple seconds. They hold a reception at McDonald's, which is good because there's no mousse at McDonald's, so they've made effort by sneaking it in there as well. But then I got the message, the last message from the guy saying, after all that, she never messaged back. Looks like I'm going on a solo Nando's trip.

Oh, God. That is the most depressing text ever. I feel like after you just said that it needed, remember when sad episode of Neighbours would happen and it was like the really saddest, slower end of credits? That's what you needed to say after that. She never messaged back. Well, I think we could also start using that, you know,

with all the terminology we use on our show. That's now the dumb, dumb metaphor for masturbation the terminology we use on our show, that's now the dumb dumb metaphor for masturbation. I'm going on a solo Nando's trip. I've got an awful image of this guy sitting at a table just talking to the chicken number that they give you. Just deep in conversation

with number seven. Oh, I see you're number 27. Well, I was number 27 to her as well. 22, that's how old she was. Those table numbers they give you are so big. They're huge. I'm embarrassed. Please, a shout out.

If you are a proper listener of the show, Emily, 22 years old. Yeah. You've got bright red lips on your Tinder profile. You're quite a pretty girl. Jesus Christ. You're like Queen. You're like Nintendo 64.. Please, Jesus Christ. If you like Queen, you like Nintendo 64, I think you might like David Bowie.

Oh, and she's... Oh, no. So if you are her, please hit us up. Hit us up on Facebook or Twitter or on our new Tinder account. Yeah, sure. Maybe that's the best way of scouting for new listeners. But I have to say, in her defense... Let's start a Tinder account. Because she might be

a regular listener. She might be a regular listener. She might be a regular listener. She might because, like, she could be a regular listener and know those terms but just have other things going on. You know what I mean? Like, if someone says Nando's or Moose to us, it resonates because this is all we do. Yeah.

But this is also all we talk about on this show. True, but if you just listen to this like once a week and you're at uni and you're doing all these other things, you've got friends, you've got a social life, if someone just went, what about I'll lick moose off you, you wouldn't go, oh, yeah, from that podcast. Yeah, that is weird. Sure.

So she could just be a one-time subscriber. Yeah, because some people like, you know, there's people on Facebook that like a thousand things. I'll see that and go, how do you like that many things? So maybe that's just a, she's just hit the wrong button or something like that. I liked Little Dum Dum Club. So Emily, 22, Nintendo 64, Little Dum Dum Club,

maybe David Bowie. Get in touch. Yeah, please. And let's make this happen. Could be David Bowie, could be Tilda Swinton, could be me. Yeah. We could make our own, we could start making our own matchmaker within Little Dunlop Club.

Within all the fans. Is that why Rhys and I are here today? We just think you guys have a lot in common. You're the only two gay people we know. You've both got boyfriends, that's another thing. Joel, you're going to have to change your name to Rhys Nicholson to have your own punchline. I'm comfortable with that.

Can you text that guy now and can we get a picture of him? Because we need to know what we're setting this girl up for. Oh, really? Don't be specific about what we want a picture of. It's been a long day. Just say right now. Just write by stats, question mark. That's something you would ask on Grindr.

ASL? ASL. Yeah, no, just text him and say, please send a picture of you right now. So we're talking about you on the podcast right now. And can you just ask, I'm asking for a friend, just cut or uncut? Top or bottom.

I'm asking for a friend, brackets, who loves Nintendo 64, cut or uncut? His last name is Bowie. All right. We're talking about you on the podcast right now. Give me a picture Of your face Oh now it's no door story Are you a big fan of

Howzo's Do you like Howzo's With Rhys Nicholson Yeah if you were single And you were like You know On one of those dating things

And you saw someone Loved Howzo's And you liked the look of him How quickly would you drop it Would you come in straight away And go So you like Howzo's No I'd I'd kill myself That's the third reference the look of him? How quickly would you drop it? Would you come in straight away and go, so you like house, is that?

No, I'd kill myself. That's the third reference. It's depressing. It seems like you're constantly on the verge of suicide. I'm not comfortable with us being this high up in your apartment building right now, Rhys. We are pretty high, aren't we? How steady do you reckon those windows are? We are in your apartment, right?

You've got a hotel room in Melbourne. You're in the middle of the... I'm here filming How's Those Two. Reloaded. Electric boogaloo. You are in the middle of the leg of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival road show. Road show, yeah. I believe that's what it's called.

I'm not completely au fait with the concept. Or as most people in the smaller towns have said, oh, so this is the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yeah. Yes, we're doing it here in Upway. We're against doing it in Melbourne this year. Upway, you're going to Upway? Upway, which even someone in Colette the other night went,

oh, Upway, well, good luck. I found out the other day that, because I don't really know what our rival Mirabar, my hometown of Mirabar, would be. Oh, we drove through there by the way Oh did you? Yeah I tried to take a picture and send it to you And then I got bored

It just I just stopped Yeah yeah sure It's My mum said to me the other day And I'd never known this And I don't know whether it's a real thing or not But she said

Oh yeah you know what Maribor's nickname is outside of Maribor don't you? I went no She said People call it Scaryborough Oh Not even Oh they bloody got you there didn't they

Blasphemy They showed you Shelbyville Scaryborough Oh smellborn That sounds like just what Mary They changed the welcome to Maryborough sign They just changed it to that on October 31st, like the Simpsons. The special Halloween episode of Maryborough.

To be completely fair, it sounds like my mum made that up. That's an insult for my mum. Because how does your mum know that? She's, for whatever reason, she's at a supermarket the next town over and then she just overhears someone going, oh, had to drive through Scaryborough the other day. She's like, that's what they call us here? I'm glad I'm buying Yoplait here rather than in Scaryborough.

Or all the Yoplait haunted. Well, speaking of Marybeth, your hometown, Rhys, you did a gig as part of this roadshow in your hometown the other day. Newcastle. Spewcastle, that's what they call it. Oh, yes. That's really what they call it. Scarycastle.

Scarycastle. That works. That kind of works. Ooh, Scarycastle. Yes, that works. That kind of works. Ooh, scary castle. Yes, I did it there in the theatre. The girl in the front row that I saw who was the only girl I ever fingered. So that was weird. Oh, wow.

And she knows you're on the bill. She's turned up and she's gone. Yeah, I think she came back for another round. Give her a chance for one more. It feels like I imagine what being fingered by you would be like. It was pretty violent and you just want it to stop. Was it like in TV where someone gets amnesia from being hit on the head and they need to be hit on the head again to get rid of the amnesia?

To get on the bed. So she came back to get fingered by you again to go back to normal. It's like finding the other half of a golden amulet or something. Yes. Like a finishing prophecy. So what was it like to go back and... Because I've never done that. I've always been too scared or too smart to go back and play a hometown gig.

Thank you. That was a rollercoaster of a sentence. No, but Newcastle's like a proper place. Scary boroughs. Proper's pretty strong. Right. The main street Hunter Hunter Street

Is mostly boarded up Oh is it And they've got Three wedding shops Four sex shops So they're connected For some reason Right

I have been to Newcastle once And I did think This is This is a pretty weird town Yeah Yeah yeah What possible cause Could you have had to go to Newcastle

We were having an affair I I I don't mean to Dob you in But I was Fixing the girl On the front row

I was Fixing Like the way That you fix a dog Won't be having Any more of these Troubles love You just roam around

Finding people Who've been fingered once And have the amnesia Yeah And you administer I don't even know I just go up to girls And go hey Should I fing you What why The amnesia. Yeah. And you administer a bit of... No, I don't even know. I just go up to girls and go,

hey, should I finger you? What? Why? The amnesia? Well, okay then. You're like a touch by an angel angel. I say the amnesia. She goes, what are you talking about?

I'm like, my point exactly. Exactly. You want to finger people that have been once fingered by a gay man because the bar has been set so low that you know that you can definitely be better. Yeah, fingering is also a pretty strong word. I'm more just kind of cupped and rubbed. Oh, yeah, okay. All right, hey, progress, we've got a picture of this guy.

Oh, here we go. We've got a picture of this guy. Speaking of cupping and rubbing. So there's the guy. We don't know his face yet. I mean, we don't know his name yet. Yeah, I'm going to like, that's not his face. Oh, okay.

He's all right. Yeah, yeah. He looks really angry. He looks so, is that his default face? Is he in a bathroom as well? I like him. He might be a drummer in Queens of the Stone Age. Yeah.

Do we have a name? No. All right. We need your name. What's your name, cunt? So, Emily, update. I imagine her listening to this just on the edge of her seat. There's not a new Poofcast this week, so she's listening to the Dum Dum Club.

David Bowie hasn't released anything this week. He's good, Emily. It's looking good. Yeah, Emily, 22. You could do worse, that's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

That's good. So, yeah, your hometown. Yeah. I'm just patter between getting this guy. Yes. Thank God you've wised up. Yeah. Res getting this guy. Yes. Thank God you've wised up. Yes. Reseguison.

Yes. Scary Nicholson. No, because I think Mirabarra is full of people that I don't know anymore. Everyone I knew has moved out. So I really put off going to do a gig there. But do you still have people that you know apart from old Front Row Fanny? Let's just play that clip again and again at the funeral. Front Row?

She sounds like a character out of Folk with the Far Away Tree. Sounds very Enid Blyton about her. Swampin' Man and Front Row Fanny. Front Row Fanny and Dame watched a lot. Front Row Fanny's sitting there sipping her sarsaparilla and having a slap-up lunch of sandwiches and biscuits. Front Row Fanny and the amnesia finger. My favourite book.

So was there a bit of a homecoming? Because this is the first time you... Not with her, no. The first way to go home, to go home and perform with the Melbourne Chronicles. Yeah, in a nice theatre as well. In a nice proper night. Yeah, it's a nice theatre as well.

Have you been back much to do gigs? Because there are gigs down there from time to time. A couple. Yeah, a little bit. Time to time. The first time... The last time I went back before this time, a guy drove past and yelled at faggot at me from a car

and it was like, oh, I'm home. Oh, I felt good. To be fair, you could go to Maribor and get the same thing. So it's not real. I could go to Newtown and get the same thing. I'm pretty gay, you guys. No, it was good though.

It was. Nothing like, it was just kind of, they were just kind of good gigs. Just really nice. Other than, yeah, front row Fanny. She's engaged, so congratulations. Could have ended up in a different way. We could have been a really sad touring.

In my mind, we just would have ended up as like a touring theatre group where I make all the costumes and direct and she just puts up the lights. Cup her once a week. And I just give her a wiggly cup. We never look each other in the eye. I've noticed they've never looked each other. Have you noticed Fanny and Rhys have never looked each other in the eye?

And everyone's always saying to her, you know about Rhys, don't you? What, that he's a great costume designer? Yes, I certainly do. I like that now you're referring to her as Fanny as well when you know her real name. Yeah, I know her real name and that is why I'm saying Fanny.

I used to do a bit about it as well, like a really graphic and would say her name on stage. So there was like a point where I made eye contact with her and I was like, oh, it's good I didn't decide to do this in the set tonight. That is a strange decision for her to make, I would think. I don't know if she knew I was on the bill. Really?

Because it's like a 1,500 seat theatre. I think she was just going – like people in Newcastle love Roadshot. Okay. It's a thing that, you've done Newcastle a few times. Yeah, it's an amazing theatre. Yeah. I did like three nights there. Who have you fingered in Newcastle?

Fiona O'Loughlin. I've hooked up with someone when I was in Newcastle. Really? One night, yeah. I thought we did that in confidence. No, I was just there gigging. Nice. I had a bit of free time. What was his name? I probably know him. I can't remember his name. Oh No, I was just there gigging. Nice. I had a free time.

What was his name? I probably know him. I can't remember his name. Oh, boy. He's a wild guy. How many fingers did he have? Two. Wow.

He was disabled. I didn't say how many fingers could he take. Two on one hand and then none on the other or like one on each? Yeah. I can't remember. I was pretty drunk. You got to have one hand for nubbin'. It happened backstage. Oh. Yeah. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Yeah, I can't remember. I was pretty drunk. You've got to have one hand for nubbin'. It happened backstage.

Oh. Yeah, I don't know why I'm telling you this. Yeah. Man, he's bad at his job. If he's only got two fingers left backstage, he's been in some backstage accidents. Oh, we've got a text back from this guy. My name is Josh.

You guys aren't planning on stealing my identity, are you? Yes. He's going to hear all this and go, I wish they'd stolen my identity. Yeah. Well, this is just the first step in my homemade Tinder account for Dum Dum. So I've got one person. I've got one person.

I've got Josh. I've got a picture of him. I've got that other girl, Emily, and a picture of her. Yeah. Is Emily from Melbourne? I don't know. Do we have enough time to go and kidnap her, bring her back to this room, get him over here and force them to be friends?

Well, look, to be honest, they were going back and forth. On this screenshot, it says that she's 124 kilometres away anyway. So there wasn't a great chance of them. And how many times have they been swiping a lot to just extend that amount of space? Because I think it must every time you swipe.

Maybe it's because it opens that wide. You can set it, can't you? You can set how close you want people to be. See, this is the thing. I've been in a relationship. He's looking for a country gal. What? He's looking for a country gal.

Yeah. He's just heading to the most rural area he can. They're easily tricked out there. Yeah. Josh is just wanting to do heinous things To people And then going Well we better not Have anyone too close Yeah are we gonna like

Is he gonna end up On the news or something After someone finds A lamp made out of A girl's skin in his house And we're gonna be We're gonna be involved in that Yeah

Yeah we're gonna do A live podcast From the magistrate's court Yeah You'll be dead Can we time this to happen Just before next comedy festival Because we've all got

Tickets to sell Yeah If we can get a festival Man courtroom, that'd be great. Council chambers in the town. I'm going to put that down as one of my, on my wish list. I want to be drawn by a court artist. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I want. Do you like, as part of a court case case or you mean you just like, you know, ambush him as he's coming out of the court? I think do a crime just to get the nice portrait. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd have to be in a bad position. I'd have to have done something or saw something or had something done to me to really get the official court arrest. I could in about an hour get you to do all of those things. I've been saying this for a little bit but, you know, the last time we got photos done for this podcast was a little while ago. So we're probably due an upgrade. We should just go to like a bad sketch artist.

Go to one of the street sketch. Yeah, we should just do that. That should be our new publicity shot, just a bad drawing of us. Yeah, yeah. You've got one that you got done with a friend of ours one night after Comedy Festival that is fucking sensational. It's so good. But it took like 45 minutes and it was

done at 3 a.m like in about five degrees on swanson street we're just sitting here going it's that horrible thing where you go this will be funny let's go get a picture of us and then you sit down in like five minutes later they've done the ear one of us yeah and then there was and then there was a whole bunch it was the the final night party of the Comedy Festival, so there's a whole lot of comics around you chewing their faces off, just cheering on this drawing. It was something to see. It makes us both look like children of the corn. Yeah, it's so good.

Yeah, it looks ridiculous. It's so good. Joel, when we had you on last time, you were, I believe, just about to go off. I was like the day of. Yeah, you were about to leave and you were doing support for Joan Rivers. to get a plane and fiona o'loughlin was like three hours late yeah yeah podcast yeah that's right it was a great day yeah classic mom yeah i know you've lost your glasses but some of us have a plane um yeah when i was yeah i was in america i'm about i'm literally

going back in two three weeks so oh great. I want to come here before I go. We're like your departure lane. We're your travel agent. Oh, yeah. Thank you. It's good to be here. And are you doing similar stuff again?

Are you going over with Joan Rivers and stuff? Yeah, we're doing some Joan Rivers gigs again. I'm there for like three months. So it makes it sound like you're doing impersonations of Joan Rivers. You're just doing some Joan Rivers gigs. I'm a professional Joan Rivers impersonator. Yeah.

And yeah, yeah, I'm going, I'm'm like i'm doing like a bit of a it's i'm calling my international attack yeah i'm going to like quite a few countries so yeah yeah i'm starting in malaysia as i was telling you before where people were just recently um jailed for being gay so that's a nice way to start i can't talk about being gay on stage that's gonna be exciting and you'll be able to visit my corpse Obviously I will of course I'm actually flying Malaysian Airlines there too So yeah So hopefully they sticky tape the plane back together Do you think they'll look as hard for it?

The shrine that they've erected to you Because you've travelled there so many times in the last year You've been so good for the local economy I'll scatter your ashes if you like Oh yes Please I'll snort them I'm fine with all of that like. I'll snort them.

I'm fine with all of that. I mean, I've given the sign off for what Tommy's going to do in his career. I'm going to be farewell by you and snorted by you and that's it. No, Rhys, if I may, you can snort half of the ashes. I think if, what was his name, Josh and Emily do get together, your ashes should be thrown on them like confetti when they leave the church Used as lube the first time they've sex Oh god There's one thing that makes a newlywed

Dick hard That's the scattered remains of a dead dude It's sort of like In the Simpsons when you see Homer's sperm Is like him with little heads It's like you, your ashes like going into someone And there's a little you in there, a little atom of Chandler going, oh, what have we here?

And it's never like, I don't think it's all ashes. Like there's like teeth in there. And they're going to have to like spit in it or something to make it. How's this getting worse? How are we not at the bottom of this yet? Scrape in the bottom of the barrel. So then you're going to do – so you're doing support with Joan again? I'm doing support with Joan again.

That's super cool. Yeah, that's really exciting. I'm doubling up at the same time, so I'm doing that, but I'm also doing my current solo show in New York at the same time. Oh, cool. Awesome. Awesome. So where do you stay?

You're just going all around, staying in New York for a fair while? I'm doing Montreal first and then going down to – and then I'm in New York for like three weeks. And then my boyfriend lives in LA, so I'm staying there with him. Oh, really? Is he an LA local? He is an LA local, yeah. Is it Glenn Danzig?

Are you going out with Danzig? It's Glenn Danzig. Ted Danson. Oh, right. I was just trying to – because when you were talking about The Simpsons before, I've like seen one episode of The Simpsons. Isn't that terrible? Oh, my God.

I'm glad you're leaving the country. But I still laugh along with the jokes. And I was like, okay, I can't laugh along with another joke. I've like seen one episode of The Simpsons. Isn't that terrible? Oh, my God. I'm glad you're leaving the country. But I still laugh along with the jokes and I was like, okay, I can't laugh along with another joke. I've got no idea what it is. Dude, that must be pretty hard to live as the age that you are in this society and not have seen any Simpsons. Oh, I've seen a couple of episodes. I've never seen an episode of Seinfeld.

Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Yeah, but I have seen a lot of Glees. So, damn, that was the best I could do. Steel Saunders just rolled in his grave. He's dead too, by the way. I expect. I don't know.

We're recording this live from the end of the world. No, he lives in LA, but he's actually from the south. Oh, hello. How did you meet him? I met him at Mardi Gras. Really? So gay, yeah. Wow, you are a cartoon.

I am a parody of myself at this point. Is he a float? Is he made out of paper mache? Is he a giant Spider-Man? He's dating Carl Sandelands. Do you actually think they have a giant Spider-Man at Mardi Gras? No, a float. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, yeah, okay. But I do Do you actually think they have a giant Spider-Man at Mardi Gras? No, float. Oh, right, okay.

The Macy's. Yeah, yeah, okay. But I do like the idea of there being a gay Spider-Man at Mardi Gras. Well, yeah, it's just shooting. Anyway. Webs. Well, I, with you supporting Joan Rivers, I haven't talked about this on the show yet,

but last month I did support here for Bob Saget. Okay. Which I haven't talked about on the podcast. Yeah, I know who that is. Oh, yeah. So I'm pretty cool, yeah? I'm about on the podcast. I know who that is. I'm pretty cool, yeah. I'm part of the club. He knows the Olsen twins.

I love them. His mates. It was a lot of fun. I did support for him in Melbourne and in Perth for one night. And it was a good time. I should point out that we did try to get him on. Like a few people when I tweeted that I was doing it were like, oh, get him on the podcast. I think people thought that we either didn't think of that

or that we dropped the ball. We did try and it just couldn't happen time-wise. Yeah, we didn't. But we're here, so that's good. Yeah. We've got Rhys and Joel, two of Australia's premier homosexual comedians. We're so good at doing all that Joan Rivers stuff. I'll be an up-weight tomorrow night if anyone.

We didn't think of asking Bob Saker to go on the podcast. That's why we've only had Harley Breen on like seven times. Yeah. We just didn't think about it. But I have a thing where the first night I met him,

I was very... Because I'm like... I just... When I'm around people like that, my whole thing is just like, just don't say anything fucked. Just don't embarrass yourself. Don't step in it.

Don't say the wrong thing. Why not spread that to the rest of your life yeah i know i know but that's it because it's so much in the rest of my life just when in those moments i go oh i get super tense but then he's like the nicest like easygoing like really funny guy like really generous guy like you know had a lot of fun with him in melbourne and then so perth i kind of I let my guard down a bit and I kind of we all do in Perth yeah I let my guard down perhaps a little bit too much can I say this in your least favorite city in Australia Perth yeah put that out there how fucking dare you what's wrong with Perth I just don't like it there why I just don't like it what that is

Perth's beautiful I'm allowed to not like a city I just don't know not Perth yeah I don't know why don't you like it I'm boyfriend I have a shark eat you next time you're there. I have a shark. You're going to put in a few calls back home. I'll text one. Yeah. I just have, I just, it's the city where I know the least people. So, you know, when I go there, I'm always sort of like. But isn't that better for you?

Yeah. It's a fresh start. Well, why don't you know anyone when you walk in going I hate Perth Yeah I just don't I will say the gigs there Are all fun It's just during the day The days just kind of kill me a little bit

Everything's expensive I don't really have people to hang out with during the day So I just kind of walk around seeing people younger than me With more money than me Which to be fair happens in Melbourne as well But what happened with Bob in Perth? to walk around seeing people younger than me with more money than me. A lot of bogus. Which, to be fair, happens in Melbourne as well. But, yeah. But what happened with Bob in Perth?

So we were chatting in Perth and he, on the flight over there, he'd been sitting next to a judge who was telling him that. Judy? A Barry judge? Why would I say a judge? If it was a Barry judge, that seems so unfair that you'd see the next one on the fly. Yeah, that seems unfair. So I was telling him about – no, so he was telling me he's a nurse's judge and she had been flown from Melbourne to Perth for this case that she was doing

and she was telling me – She's a good judge. Why don't she get a per diem? I don't know the I don't know the correct term For being a judge In a thing Judging

Being a I think just being a judge Just being a judge Just judging it up Judging it up Judgerooing So she So yeah

She was telling him It was this like Pretty big And she probably Shouldn't have even told him This much Because you're not meant To say anything about it

But it was A pretty big sexual abuse case. Right. So we're sitting around after the gig. It's me, Bob, the tour manager, and then a couple of the tour manager's friends because he grew up in Perth. So there's like maybe six of us there and he's telling us this. And so we're trying to work out, oh, high profile sexual abuse case in Perth.

Like what could that be? And then I was going, you know, there's actually been a fair bit of that in the news here recently. Like a lot of sexual abuse cases. I mean, obviously wrong. And then also, you know, this guy. A lot of people have been touching sharks inappropriately over here. In the mouth. And I'm trying to explain to him the story of, because it was Robert Kelly from Hey Dad

had just been sentenced. And I'm trying to explain. Also, this thing just happened. This guy who was in this TV show and he – and then I realised, I just go, you know who he is? He's you. Like, to sag it. And the tour manager and everyone else just goes,

what the fuck have you just said? And the tour manager's like, you can't fucking say that to him. And I'm like, I'm just trying to work out the best way to describe who this guy is in our country. And Bob goes, Bob, like everyone's looking at me like, you are a little fuckhead who has just said the worst thing to this like celebrity. And Bob's like, no, no, no, I know completely,

I know all about that. Like I know all about what that is because his book is called, his tour and the book that he was here promoting as well is called Dirty Daddy. And so just before, Robert Kelly got taken, just before he got bought out, so the publicists and stuff have said to him and all the interviewers, they're like, yeah, let's play down the old TV dad gone bad.

Let's not focus on that angle. But, yeah, it was this really weird moment where I thought, oh, I've gotten too comfortable with this guy. Like talking about a guy who's been sentenced for touching kids and pointing at someone's face and going, that's you. I did have an awkward moment with Joan Rivers. I wasn't as bad as that. And also before I met her, one of her managers said to me,

yeah, you're really famous in Australia, aren't you? And I was like, yep. And I'm huge. Well, if you have to ask that question, I obviously am. And when I was in America, I just started telling people when I was drunk, I was Bindi Irwin and it worked. And anyway, I was talking to Joan Rivers backstage and I actually now do tell this on stage and we're talking about musicals because she's a big musical theatre fan I actually, I now do tell this on stage, but, and we're talking,

we're talking about like musicals because she's a big musical theatre fan and surprise, I am too. And she goes, how many musicals have you seen so far? And I said, oh, I've seen like five. I've been here for one day. And she goes, what have you seen? And I said, and I was like, oh, that's when I remember. Oh, she's a big musical theatre fan.

This is where I'll impress her. And I said, oh, well, I saw Chicago last night, Joan, and I love Chicago, but I thought the lead, her name was Suzanne Gray or something like that, I said I thought she was totally shit. And then Joan goes, oh, that's my best friend. I was like, oh, of all the people to choose. And then my way out of that was I then sang the opening song

of Chicago at her face. I just sang all of all that jazz with the choreography at Joan Rivers' face. And that's like a seven-minute song. Yeah. And then she's sort of clocking in the eyes and then walking on the stage and it's a very weird moment. But it's worked because she's gotten you back onto it.

I've clearly stayed in her mind. Yeah, stayed in her mind. Let me ask you this. What if they made a Simpsons musical and to get it you had to have seen episodes of The Simpsons? I would watch it. I would do anything for a gig. Don't get me wrong.

I would watch The Simpsons. I have watched, okay, I reckon I've watched I would watch The Simpsons. I have watched, okay, I reckon I've watched ten episodes of The Simpsons in my entire life. This keeps doubling. Very slowly upgrading from one to two to ten. Are you watching them whilst you're talking to us? He's got Google Glasses on him. I'm on Spark Notes reading up on The Simpsons. That's actually funny because me and Joel are facing the TV.

Carl, you're in front of it. If you turned around and there actually was The Simpsons on that TV, that would be... Just in fast forward. I haven't seen a teleprompter. I came with all my material today written.

Cool. Well, I think we should probably start wrapping it up just about there. Do we have... Do we have... Well, I guess we've only really got time

for you guys to give your personal tributes to my life. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What do we all want to say about Carl Chandler? That hasn't already been said. I hope the plane crashes

and that I would like to put forward myself in consideration to be the replacement. Well I've been forbidden from continuing this going but listeners look out next week for a podcast starting up called The Little Fun Fun Club.

The Little Fun Fun Club. I imagine if you die, you're going to come back and haunt people. Oh, yeah. It's like half bad, but it's Carl the cunty ghost. Yeah. Is there any comedians you're going to haunt? Oh, there would be. Yeah.

Melbourne Comedy. I'm going to be busy. Yeah, I know. I was pushing you for names there Melbourne comedy will go to the absolute shit because suddenly every gig there will be lights falling down people's dacks just being dropped in the middle of the show

sometimes if you're quiet you can still hear the ghost of Carl complaining about people going overtime instead of it going woo it'll be aboo there are some gigs I don't think

you'd fuck up much more than they are at the moment it's going to be hard to tell you can maybe go and fix them yeah a good haunting

it probably there's a bunch of gigs going around where people will be turning up to see a ghost going Jesus Christ we just doubled

our attendance Rhys Nichols and Joel Creasy thank you so much for joining us today you're very welcome Rhys you are going to be in Edinburgh thank you so much for joining us today. You're very welcome. Rhys, you are going to be in Edinburgh for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I'll be there for the whole time.

We have a couple of listeners over there. Oh, great. Good. That will double my attendance. That's good for Edinburgh. Yeah. Any ghosts listening, go and haunt Rhys' show. There's probably a few hanging around that castle.

I'm fully going to put up the details of who's Josh. Josh that just... I was going to say racist. Don't do that. Don't do that. Josh that just messaged me. I'm going to start up a dating singles update on our Facebook page and Twitter and stuff like that. We'll work something out.

We want to get in touch with, who was it? Linda? No, not Linda. Emily. Emily, 22. One of them's a knife name and one of them's Linda. And one of them's a receptionist. Yeah, Linda.

You know what? Linda. That's the only way you can say that. Oh, Linda. Here's a very quick story at the end of this and at the end of my life. It's the last thing you're ever going to tell. The last story I'm ever going to tell about something that happened to me a long time ago, which is the very first girl that I hissed,

I was really... You hissed? Did you say hissed? The very first girl that I kissed, I was drunk and the pick up line I used to kiss this girl was I just went up to her and started calling her Linda and I didn't know who she was, but I just

called her Linda and then she kissed me and I calling her Linda. And I didn't know who she was, but I just called her Linda. And then she kissed me. And I was like, wow, I've got to use that again. I was just going up to someone going, hey, Linda. Linda. Maybe Linda's a trigger word for her. I think you might have kissed that one with some sort of mental impairment. Oh, well, that would have made two of us.

Hey, I just had a thought. Maybe we could even cut Tinder out out of it any people who are listening who are single send us your details yeah and we'll start it going the singles the singles department

of the little dum dum club at the end of every show if this is the start of the dismantling of the little dum dum podcast and you just become a full fledged dating website

yeah we want to monetise this thing the one condition look we'll do it for free like other dating sites charge you money to sign up and stuff

we'll do it for free on the condition that if you get together, you have to send us a video of you fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The process is free until you get success, and every route is a dollar to us. Joel Creasy, you are going to be, we have a few listeners in New York, so go. Oh, well, then please come along.

Yeah, go check out Joel. If you like Joan Ribbeth, I'm sure she'll need the help. He's doing your solo show as well. I'm doing my solo show. Go check that out. Is she going to support you for that? Yes. That's a really fun idea. That's great. Send us your single stuff.

We've also got the Admi on Wii U. The little Dumb Dumb Club Mario Kart Grand Prix is going to be happening. Not long after you get back. The end of June? Let's say the end of June. Yeah, sure, sure. It'll be easy to lock in a date once you're back.

Is it at the wake? Yeah, yeah. I'm playing the new Ghostinho character. Ghostinho. Ghostinho. With your singles, will you take any single what do you mean like will you take

are you going to take ugly people or just sure anyone really okay man yeah

we run a podcast what do you think who do you think are listening to us we've got no beautiful people listening to us this is an episode of Models Inc

the little dum dum club mate I hope you guys get a reality show now like one of those A&E reality shows we're just running like, Hi, I'm Carl and we run the Dumb Dumb Celebrity Matchmaking Club.

We run Dumb Duh. Dumb Duh. Dumb Duh. Dumb Duh. Because every time it... D-U-M-D-R. Dumb Duh. Because when they arrive at your door, you go,

Dumb Duh. A lot of things happening. Well, guys, that's all the time we have for today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates!