The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 196 - Ben Lomas & Demi Lardner

Episode Date: July 8, 2014

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Hey mates, it's everyone's favourite part of the podcast, me plugging some live shows that we're doing. Yes, that's right, you may have noticed when you looked at this episode that we are coming up on 200 episodes of The Little Dumb Dumb Club and to celebrate we are having a live recording of our 200th episode at Five Burrows in Hardware Lane in the City on Saturday, August the 2nd at 7.30pm. It's going to be a big, fun night. If you've been to the live shows before, you know, or you've listened to them, you know to expect a big guest, a lot of fun, live rad dad. We're working on some other surprises.

It's going to be a real hoot. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be crazy. We had a third birthday show at the end of last year, and if you want to hear that, you can find a link to that on our Bandcamp site and listen to that. It's going to be so much fun. You can get tickets for that at littledumbdumbclub.com. Also, if you're in Adelaide, we're coming over for the first time, Tuesday, August the 12th at the Producers Bar. We are going to do, from 7pm, we're doing both of our solo stand-up

comedy shows from this year's festivals and then a live Little Dumb Dumb Club podcast. We're bringing some friends of the show over with us so you're going to get a lot of bang for your buck there. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be three hours of fun of us hanging out and then we'll go to a bakery

or something afterwards. And once again, tickets to that one, littledumbdumbclub.com So that's Saturday, August 2nd if you're in Melbourne bakery or something afterwards. And once again, tickets to that one, littledumbdumbclub.com. So that's Saturday, August the 2nd, if you're in Melbourne, and Tuesday, August the 12th, if you're in Adelaide. We would love to see you there. Support the podcast. Come out and say g'day. We love meeting you guys. We love doing the shows for you. And we'll see you there. Enjoy the episode, mates. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, now, I have a request to make for the good of the podcast. Now, people may or may not know this. You are in charge of our Twitter account. Yes. You hold the password. Yes.

You do it all. And we've also just announced some live shows in Melbourne and in Adelaide. I'm going to have to request that I take control of the Twitter account while we have things that we need to promote because – Have I done something wrong? Yes. You've gotten the date and the time and the place wrong. Every single time you

send out a tweet, there are at least two mistakes in it. And then, because people tag me in it like I'm the boss or something. I can somehow fix this mess that's sitting in front of me. I don't have a great eye for detail. Really? Yeah.

And what was your job before comedy? Yeah, yeah. And what do you still charge people to do? Yes. I what was your job before comedy? Yeah, yeah. And what do you still charge people to do? Yes. I don't think I've made a mistake with anyone's graphic design lately, so that's pretty good. Okay. Just ours.

Yeah, yeah. But that's fine. It's like, I think it's positive in a way. It's getting people to own the podcast themselves. They proofread everything for me. Hey, pay 50 bucks for this thing that you've had to put a good chunk of the work into. Yes. podcast themselves. Oh, yeah. They proofread everything for me. Hey, pay 50 bucks for this thing that you've had to put a good chunk of the work into. Yeah.

Sounds good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because just when, I mean, it's beyond a joke. People make fun of you. Normally- The sales, mate. The sales. The sales are off the chart, so I must be doing something right. Yeah, but you drew the chart, so the chart probably only goes up to four people.

A lot of people have been buying tickets for bands and stuff instead. I think I've linked it to Aha coming out to Australia. Yeah, the band The Dumb Dumb Girls, their sales on iTunes have skyrocketed thanks to you doing the plugs for us. Yes. Okay, cool.

Look, I'll give you one more chance before I'm going to declare mutiny. You really need to give me more than that. And officially, I've given you so many. Today on the show, we have someone joining us for the first time. You may have seen her on Stand Up at Bella Union. You may have seen her win Raw Comedy last year. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Demi Lardner.

Yay! Hello. People may also have seen you, a handful of people would have seen you in Sydney this year. You came up with us and you played a 17-year-old version of me in my comedy festival show. As I like to do in life also. Yes. We finally got someone on the show that looks more like a ventriloquist dummy than Daslo.

Also, as happens any time we have a female guest on the show, we're going to get a lot of complaints about people being unable to tell our voices apart. So I've gotten a little bit sick just for the occasion just to give a bit of a but yeah, like last week with Ann Edmonds, people again going, it sounds too similar. See, like now, are people just thinking this is someone? Because to me, you sound

different. Yeah, that's right, Demi. Oh no, that sounds the same. No, that just sounds the same in my head. It does actually, yeah. Oh well. Also. Oh, no. No, that just sounds the same in my head. It does, actually. Yeah. Oh, well. Also joining us, he is knocking on death's door. Can you make sure my dog doesn't eat that chocolate that you've just left lying next to your seat? No, it's choking on a cedar.

Oh, cedar, that's all right. He's dragged himself here. Is this guy always sick when he's on, he's about to go to hospital? What can I just introduce? Welcome, Ben Lover. Yay. The thing we were all too afraid to say. Guys, I just dropped dead. Yeah, last episode you were about to go and have an operation

and we had great fun speculating about the prospect of you dying. Yes, yes. I had a successful hernia operation. We've all got stuff going on. No, I smashed it. I did a tight 20 and saved that fucker up and I'm here today. And now you've got the flu. I've got the flu.

You almost couldn't do this and you've pulled through. Yeah, no, I've had the flu for the last 48 hours and then I got it in a small little country town called Poo Wong. I was doing a gig there. How do you know where you got the flu from? How do you know that? Well, I just feel like when you go to the country of Victoria, sometimes it's such a shithole that you just pick up diseases.

And when you drive through the town, it's Poo Wong, home of the flu. Try our vanilla slice and diseases. It's been horrible. Yeah, it's just the whole everything. Coughing, shitting. Oh, yeah, shitting as well. Oh, good. Yeah, like, I'm always, well, I always have that when I have the flu.

I always shit myself. But, yeah, anyway, so you won Raw. How are you going? Yay. How's the gig? How's the poo-on gig? It was good I got to do it with two friends of the show

Not usually footy club kind of comics Dilruk Jai My Singer Hang on Not Jai My Singer Yeah There's no my in there I added in there I added in there

Yeah sure Because I'm so sick of saying Whatever his real name You're making more work for yourself By adding more letters in there Yeah And Bart Freebiebiean Yes

Do us Do us now What are our names? Okay Tommy D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- What are our names? Okay. Tommy DeLasalo. And I can't talk. If mine could be not about winning Raw, that would be good. Okay. Debbie Raw Ladner.

Have another chocolate. You talking to the dog? No. And Carl Chandler. Sorry. That's not bad. That's a clever spin on mine. Yeah, so you did this footy club gig.

People who don't know, footy clubs can be a bit rough. You know, you sort of need to be... Yeah, they can be. And this is your classic. Like the town, like it was in the local town halls. It was just one street and one town hall. And the team, the Poo Wong Magpies, had won their first game in two years and before the gig had even started, they'd run out of alcohol.

Oh, good sign. I like how they've gone, the Poo Wong Magpies, like don't even bother having magpies, your name's Poo Wong. You're going to get a lot of shit about you. You may as well just be the Poo Wong turds and have like the emoticon, like the emoji, like the smiling shit on the back of your jersey. You're going to get a lot of shit about you. You may as well just be the Poo Wong turds and have like the emoticon, like the emoji, like the smiling shit on the back of your jersey. You're going to get in the paper. Like, it's going to be good.

Or instead, change the name of your town to Jas Magpies. That's better than Poo Wong. Well, that's the thing. And also, you can't really make fun of the name. Because you're there, yeah. No, no, no. But also, you know, like Poo Wong, it's a funny name. So surely as a comedian, they were expecting you

to have a dig at it. That's probably why they drank all the alcohol before the gig, like, oh, we are going to cop it tonight. Yeah, no, because I was thinking about walking out and just going, Poo Wong, where did you come up with that name? Was it an Asian guy on the way to Lee and Gathor and you needed to take a shit? Who's with me?

Oh, no. Now, I didn't do that. You shouldn't have even done it now. I can't believe you just stole the joke that Demi used to win Raw and sent it back to a podcast that she's on. Oh, that's so good. That was the best bit. It worked really well at the heat that you did in Poo Wong. Yeah.

Once you're at the state final in Melbourne and the national final didn't play as well nah they tried to tell me to turn down the Poo Wong and made my whole set about it go back

yeah fight the power yeah I will I'm the power but just over the country like with the country gig though you have to

come out swinging and I was like that thing with the town hall that only had been built in 1880 and it still looked

exactly the same inside since 1880 and it still looked exactly the same inside since 1880 yeah the whole town's there and so i was them saying you just have to come out and swing so you just do your stock standard boom boom boom and then you come out do a joke laugh at your own joke do another joke laugh at another one set up set up punch laugh some more um no but it was good like they were up for it are you trying to be are you like a ventriloquist trying to make it sound

like the audience is laughing by laughing so much at your own joke hang on so I got my hand up my own ass yeah that sounds like you

alright metaphorically at least at the moment, yeah. No, it was a good gig. I like to be for the show. You go, oh, I did this weird gig. I'll talk about it on the podcast. Okay, it was a good gig.

Oh, great content we got this week, guys. We'll run it out of breath. No, it was good. It was just also what was really interesting was there was a good gig. Great content we got this week, guys. We'll run it out of breath. No, it was good. It was just also what was really interesting was there was a band. I did this thing where, you know, like if you do a gig and there's a band playing at the end of the night, I thought it would be hilarious, right, to do really bad audience participation, right,

and at the end I would hit the cymbal with the drumstick and make that, you know, ba-dum-ching sound. But as soon as I hit the cymbal the first time... You're just hitting the cymbal, though. You're not making the noise. You're not doing the ba-dum. There's no ba-dum in there. It's just the ching.

Sounds like one of your racist jokes again. Which in a country town would probably go quite well. But anyway, so I do it right. But what I don't realise is, you know. Hang on, you do shing, yes. So I hit the cymbal. But it's that thing where you shouldn't touch other people's instruments. So I do it and I look across at the drummer

and he gives me this across the throat. You've pissed off the uncanny X-Men for the last time. And the cover band, the average age is about 65. And, yeah, I totally forgot. Don't touch another man's drum kit. It's like what I want. I think being a drummer in a band would be the worst for that. Like for any time your instrument's set up and ready to go,

Johnny Pup, because I've always wanted to learn the drums and I'm not bad for someone who's hasn't properly studied it or anything and I have that any time there's a drum

around me I go I just he'll be fine with it because I'm like sort of good so I'll be you know he'll be fine

with me just using his ear how hard can it be that's it because you don't pick up like a trombone or whatever and go oh I can figure this out quick but with a drum

you go yeah you just hit it anyone can do that and That's it. Because you don't pick up like a trombone or whatever and go, oh, I can figure this out quick. But with a drum you go, yeah, you just hit it. Anyone can do that. And you hit it really badly as well. Like, you know, I'm hitting the cymbal the wrong way. And like you just – you know you'll wreck it or you'll break a drumstick or something like that. And I apologise on stage. Like I was genuinely sorry and then it just wasn't good enough.

Did you apologise for the rest of the gig? Yeah, no, and then laughed a little bit. And we're out. We're out. But like, but it's like that when you do those gigs, they are, because they're all up for it. Because who else goes out to the country? I like the idea of you, with the way that you do comedy,

translating that into music and like being in a band and playing a solo on the guitar and then just going... After the end of every piece of music. Yeah, you've got to give the fans what they want. Demi, you'd have a couple of... You would have been conned into doing some pretty dodgy gigs in your time. You're from Adelaide. Yeah, you're from Adelaide.

And you're still kind of relatively new to the comedy game where I imagine you can't really turn down. You know, you do a lot of gigs where you go, oh, this sounds great because every gig's a gig and it's all stage time and then you turn up and you go, oh. There's newer comics around at the moment, I was saying just the other night, where, you know, like you say, you just hop up wherever you can, anything's good.

There's an open mic going on in Warrnambool. Oh, yeah. It's like three and a half hours drive from here. People from Melbourne are driving there to do five minutes. Wow. No. Yes. No, no.

Yes. No. Why would you drive four hours to do five minutes? So every hour you get a minute and ten seconds.

This is weird. But that is a good just illustration of how desperate open mic comedians are though. Like when you start you just want to do whatever you can. Yeah.

Have you been conned into any bad situations like that, Demi? Yeah, well, like, not having to drive four hours or anything, but when I was in Adelaide... Oh, there was that bad time where you had to do five minutes at the town hall. The Royal Comedy Grand Final. That was fucked. That was the worst. You only got to rub a chicken out of it.

Yeah. Oh, it was fucked. That was the worst. You only got to rub a chicken out of it. Yeah. Oh, it was bullshit. And then they made me bloody drive to Edinburgh as well. Didn't even chip in for petrol. You're mocking that attitude, but Josh Thomas had basically that complaint on the show about three weeks ago. That he had to go to Edinburgh. That he got to Edinburgh and they didn't set him up with anything.

They just sent him there and dropped him in the middle. They do a little bit. Oh, scoop. No, just because you don't get put into like the first round of it you do like this million dollar note you gave me is all dirty oh fuck um no i know you quite well, and I think that's something you would actually complain about. I'm very good at this.

Yeah, in Adelaide. Yeah, in Adelaide I did one where a friend was like, do you want to come do this charity thing? And it wasn't even really right at the start. I was just like, oh, yeah, if it's a charity thing, it would be nice. And we went there and I got to eat a bunch of weird little crackers. That was great. And it was like this thing where they did this speechy thing

about whatever organisation it was, like gorillas or something, and then the guy who was doing that just stood at the podium and the podium mic that was stuck to it was the only mic that we were allowed to use for the stand-up. Oh, like on a lectern. Yeah. Great. Yeah, on a lectern.

Perfect. School assembly style. Yeah, except the guy, for some reason, didn't leave the lectern. So, like, we had to just swivel the mic around and stand in front of it and, like, stand side-on to the audience. But I wasn't tall enough to reach the mic. Yeah, that was going to be my next question. So they brought their chair over.

And I stood on the chair and like leaned over and just kind of like in this weird right angle to do all the jokes. So wait, wait. Where's the lectern at this stage? Right. So there's a lectern. There's a guy standing behind it. He doesn't have to say anything more, but he's like, i'll just stay here like trevor marmalade yes right he

stayed there and i stood right in front of the podium and went like you can see what the problem is here i don't know whether i have to tell you that i this is impossible for me and they went all right do you want a chair and i was like oh i'd like a different microphone they were like well here's a chair and then i stood up on the chair and pretty much had my back to the pretty much had my back to the audience the whole time doing jokes great yeah i love it yeah that's like a twin peaks gig where it's just like a bizarre setup on stage yeah it's just like a bizarre set up on stage. Yeah. It's like Wilson from Home Improvement doing jokes. Yeah, that's great. Because when you start comedy, they tell you any opportunity

you get to just have you back to the audience. Just brush them off. Just make it look like you don't want them there. Really don't engage them. Don't look at anyone. It's chapter one in how to win friends and influence people. Yeah. I kind of just – I just kind of did, I was like, guys, this is weird.

So I just kind of did all the jokes to the guy behind the podium. And what was he like? Was he into it? He was like, you know when, like imagine that you were that guy. First of all, you're a fuckhead clearly for not just moving. But then like I was doing it to him and he was putting on that awkward face like, you know you're just talking to me. It's really weird for me to –

Like you're the dumb one. Like I'm the fucking head for it, yeah. Boy, this must be really bad for you, hey. Yeah, so he was just like, yeah, that was a good one. And it was just really weird. And he doesn't have the mic on him anymore. You've got the mic. So he can just say what he wants and no one can hear him.

Yeah. So he can just stand there and heckle you and no one can hear yeah apart from you just yeah you're fucked a couple times you're really little asshole a couple times he said to me like you can like he actually not okay just once he was in the middle he was like maybe you should turn around and i was like yeah maybe maybe i should good advice yeah but it's even harder when you do a gig and you can't move from the lake turn because when you do it from the leg turn, people expect you to tell a story and you've got a lot of one-liners. Yeah.

So it's even harder for them to break up the mould that you're doing stand-up. A leg turn's a speech. It's a serious presentation. Oh, with a bit of humour, mate. Yeah, yeah. We were talking about Ben's laugh at himself. Wow, didn't need a segue. Because we did a gig the other night where we were both on, Ben.

Yeah, killed it, whatever. We got to the end of the gig and walked downstairs. Killed yourself. And as the audience filed out, an audience member walked up to Ben and went, oh, that was so funny. Thanks for a great night. We laughed so much, even more than you. True story, true story.

And it was the timing of it because I'd been sitting with you guys. I went to the toilet and I walk out of the toilet and you guys are there going, oh, just looking like Jesus himself has come down and appeared in front of you. You couldn't have it in front of a better person. Oh, I was so excited. Smiling the rest of the night.

Well, we did it. Speaking of weird gigs, we did a weird gig the other night, Carl. Yes. We won't name it, but it's a good sign for the gig when the gig's meant to start at 8.30 and the guy running the gig turns up at 20 to 9. Brilliant. That's always, that's a first.

And also when we were waiting to go on, we looked over and went, should we get on ourselves? Oh, no, there's no microphone. And so we see, yeah, five minutes before the gig's meant to start, we see a mic stand come out and get set up and you assume, oh, the mic's in that. And then 10, 15 minutes later we look over, there's no mic. He's set the stand up but hasn't brought the mic in yet.

And more importantly, there hasn't been a microphone set up on the stage but what there has been put on stage is a table with a jug of water and a glass, which is one of my favourite things, just the idea of drinks on stage because it's like, you're doing five minutes. How thirsty are you getting 60 seconds in? Prepare yourself before you walk on stage. But the question was, how angry was the audience at the time?

Were they angry? Were they keen? Or was there an audience? The last bit was the interesting question that you asked there. Yes. We didn't know how to respond to when you were saying, what was the audience doing? Yeah, yeah.

We didn't know how to tackle that hypothetical question. you were saying what was the audience doing. Yeah, yeah. We didn't know how to tackle that hypothetical question. There was a couple of people there. There was a few people there. There wasn't too many. And it was like Sunday night.

It was later on a Sunday night, cold Sunday night. So everything's up against you. And I guess why Tommy brings this up is I did something a bit stupid um oh also bad place to bring this up but you still owe me 20 bucks from dinner i do too um i'll give you the 20 bucks right you did you so yeah you were on and you did something that uh i've never seen anyone do on stage and then immediately following that you did something that I've never seen anyone do offstage either. Yeah. I – yeah, look, here's the $20 spot. Oh, these two $10 notes are dirty.

So what I did was because there was many in the audience and we were sitting there sort of debating what we were going to do with the gig because it was that small. You don't feel like going out and just doing material maybe and treating it like a normal gig because there wasn't many people there and you're not going to go great or whatever so anyway in my head i thought i'll do something stupid and something different so what i did was i got on stage told like one joke then poured a full glass of water out of the jug then it was like lukewarm water then drank scald the the whole glass of water and then put it down without saying anything and sort of just went,

all right, here's the second joke, and told a second joke, and then immediately poured another full glass of warm water, then drank that, then told a third joke, then poured another glass of water. You're like a weird ventriloquist that forgot his dummy. Ventriloquism has come up a lot on this episode so far.

So anyway, I'm worried about that. He's like the little drinking duck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell a joke, sip the water. Tell a joke, sip the water. So anyway, I drank the entire jug of warm water. And it's that thing where you... Because it's been sitting under stage lights for close to half an hour.

Yes. And it wasn't cold to start with, you could tell. Yeah. And then I realised that it was like waterboarding myself. Like, it was torturing myself. And you can physically drown from drinking too much water. And that's what it was feeling like. A fact that you repeated on stage about six times.

It was like you'd read that in the car on the way there. Like, oh, my little fact for the day. No, see, you can drink that much water, you can drown. Yeah. Like a jug of, not a jug of water. Well, no. Maybe a swimming pool of water. Well, that's how don't know what the... Maybe a swimming pool of water. Yeah.

Well, that's how, you know, when you drown, that's what you're doing. Drinking too much water. That's what that is. I think drowning is breathing too much water, isn't it? Is it? Technically. Drinking. Can you really?

Well, it's all going in the same place, isn't it? In your lungs. In your, yeah, I guess. When you drink. You don't drink into your lungs. It's going in the same place isn't it In your lungs Yeah I guess You don't drink into your lungs It's going in your body Oh yeah In that way I went home and looked up what a jug

Because I didn't know what a jug was A jug was like 1.2 litres Something like that You went and looked up the measurement after this Yeah Wow What did you type in? A jug

How big's a jug of water? You probably should have gone home and Googled how to do comedy. Yeah, so I drank the entire jug and felt very ill. And then I got off stage and went, it's not that thing where it's immediately gone through your body and you just go, oh, I better go and do a wee. You haven't got time. That hasn't happened yet.

So I went to the toilet and immediately stuck my fingers down my throat and tried to vomit up as much water as I could. Cheers. Yeah. Wow. It was so bad. I felt so sick. And then I went home and I didn't even get that much of it up.

I tried really hard. And then I went home and I just sat up as much as I could through the night because I thought, if I go to bed, I'm going to piss the bed. But it was just one jug, though. Yeah. But haven't you drunk a jug of beer? Not in like five minutes. Yeah.

Okay. Because there was a point where audience members came in midway through your set and the door is kind of next to the stage. And they come in and they're waiting to pay. And then you go, hi, guys. I'm just drinking a whole jug of water up here on stage and they're like, okay and then the person at the door goes, yeah that's just ten bucks

each, thanks guys and they paid it like So it was a sweet cleanse anyway, like I at the very least I took pleasure in about three in the morning when I was still going to the toilet, it was the cleanest piss I've ever had What were you saying? I was still going to the toilet. It was the cleanest piss I've ever had.

That's good. What were you saying? I was just going to say I do that a lot by accident, just like forgetting that I'm about a foot tall and then like just having too much of anything and then just a lot of the time if I try to bend down, I'm like, oh, now I'm spewing. Yeah.

Really bad. What? That just happens to me sometimes. Like if I drink too much water and then I like go somewhere and bend over, I'm just like, and then. Yeah, you look, you're very. Just because I can't fit it in my body. When you bend over, it's just.

What do you mean when I. It's squeezing your stomach in half. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's what it feels like. I don't know whether that's technically what it is, but if I bend over and then I'm just like, well, now it's all out of me. You are very little.

It looks like you could fit, like if you had a whole 600 milliliter Coke to yourself, you'd be full. That would be it. Let's get a jug of water out and find out. All right. Find out how much you can drink. Okay. No, I have that.

Like my girlfriend's away for a couple of nights and I made a big risotto for dinner last night. Yeah, I'm doing all right. I can afford the fancy rice and when you can you know when you just make a big thing for yourself and like it's taken so long to cook you have one bowl and you go the amount of time i spent eating that doesn't feel right how long it took me to i'll have two bowls so at least i've gotten bang for my buck and then afterwards just thinking about visualizing the volume of what I just ate, like thinking about it when it was in the pot

and going, that's a lot of food, and going, that's all in me now. That's really bad. Yeah, I did this thing the other week where my housemate, Angus Hodge, lives with me, and I made a huge thing of pasta, which he hates because I eat pasta a lot. I don't know what that's about, but I had – It's called being poor. No, I mean – no, I don't know what that's about. It's called being poor. No, I mean,

I don't know why he hates it so much. He hates everything that I do. Couldn't see why you chose to live with him. Great housemate. So I made a big thing of pasta and I just really like to, if there's a thing there, I like to

eat all of it. So I ate all the pasta and i just really like to if there's a thing there i like to eat all of it so i ate all the pasta and this happens all the time and then i just got a stomach ache and i was just going oh no i feel really bad and then i just lied down on the floor and sort of groaned and then we had someone over and they were like hodge what's going on with demi and he just turned to them and went she needs to learn so he just allowed you to eat all the pasta to teach you a lesson. Yeah, but he does it every week. You know, you should have washed that down with. Big jag of water.

See, but it's interesting you guys say that because I am quite a large guy and so I can put away a lot. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Leave some space for people to argue with you. Oh no, no, no. No, no, go on, go on. Leave some space for people to argue with you. Oh, no. No, no. No, no. Go on.

Go on. You can fit Demi in, I reckon. No wonder he's going, oh, what, you only drank 1.2 litres? I opened my mouth in the rain on the way here and got twice that. No, but I can drink two litres of milk like that. Really? When are you doing that and why are you doing that? When I'm thirsty.

You drink just two litres of straight milk. Are you on heroin? Isn't that a thing? If I was on heroin, I wouldn't be this fat. Are you King Willy Weedy? So if you ever walked into a clinic, people would just look at the size of you and go, he's clean.

No, no, but you can just eat. Like there was a period in my life where I could go through a drive-thru Macca's and I could polish up 40 nuggets in like... Wow. What, in the drive-thru? As you're driving through, you could eat... You brought your own nuggets and drove through and ate them.

This is how that goes. There's 40 windows. You get one nugget at each window. When I was feeling really down, I would go through... I drive my car at 40 nuggets per hour. So when you're really down. So this isn't a celebration. This is a bad period.

This is where I was like, I'm just going to punish myself by just shoving as much, as many nuggets as I can. And the worst is I'd go through and go, can I have 40 nuggets please? And they'd be like, sorry? Because they can see in the camera that it's just you in the car. And I was like, yeah, 40 nuggets, thanks.

And then I'd drive through and I was like, can I get 10 packets of sweet and sour? And they're like, yep. And they're like, can I have a small cup? And they're like, what's for the small cup? I was like, do you want a drink? I was like, no, that's where I pour all the sweet and sour? And they're like, yep. And they're like, can I have a small cup? And they're like, what's for the small cup? And I was like, do you want a drink? I was like, no,

that's where I pour all the sweet and sour sauce in there and then dip it. And then I would eat it in the car park and I would eat all those nuggets

and then go, oh, that's right. This is where I realised I'm unhappy. So you say you would do all that stuff to punish yourself.

You would eat so much to punish yourself. I was just like, I'd want it. By the look of you, you've done a lot of bad things in your life. You're a naughty boy, Ben. There's nothing watching. Set up and here's my own punchline.

I thought you were going to say that you were getting the cup to spew in. Yeah. That's the thing. What's weirder to say to them? I wouldn't spew. I wouldn't spew. It's not often that I, even after a big night of drinking, I can pull, well, I used to be able to put away two kebabs

And probably a pizza Two what? Kebabs Kebabs? Kebabs That's odd Yeah Is that a

You're from Adelaide didn't you? Where they pronounce things different? What a What a wide way of pronouncing that Anyway bun go on. Bun, lemus, go for it. Kebab, kebab. That's not it.

That's the first time anyone's ever said that word. Kebab. Kebab. Kebab. Yeah, it's kebab. I think I could maybe do 40 nuggets. You think you could do 40 nuggets? You could not. No, you couldn maybe do 40 nuggets. You reckon you could do 40 nuggets? You could not.

No, you couldn't. 40 nuggets is bigger than you. Your head's the size of a nugget. Over what period of time though? I reckon if you gave... How long did you say that you had? I don't know. It depends how stoned I was at the time.

Okay. I think maybe... You can do like three a minute. I would do it out of how stoned I was at the time Okay I think maybe You can do like three I would do it out of willpower I think I reckon it's one of those things Where everyone likes to think they could do it I reckon the first 20 You'd knock off pretty easily

And then you'd feel fucked And you'd go Oh I've got to do that again And the last 10 in particular would be That jug of water looked pretty easy from off stage, and it was not easy at all. Oh, I don't know. I've done things like that before.

You know what I did once? I went to the pub with friends and ate this great roast beef meal at a pub watching the footy, and I went, that is so good. I could eat another one of those. And they went, you could not. I went, yes, I could, and I ordered another one. And then I ate it and went, that is so great. And then they go, but you couldn't eat another one. And then just went, that is so great and then they go, but you could need another one

and then just because I say that you're right. Oh, yeah. Three. So I did three roast beef meals once. Wow. But that's – Well, that's how I would get through it because I always do – like I always go through on like a dare

and I reckon I could do it just out of like the pride. Okay. Yeah. Okay, well. If I got some water for you now, can we see how much water you can drink during this podcast? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Can I pee first? Yeah. What? Can I pee first? No, you have to do it. What difference does that make? Yeah.

Because I just need to pee. Yeah. But where does it, clearly I don't know how the. The listeners right now are going, please don't make her drink water On the podcast That's going to be so boring

I can't think of anything worse What if I just skull it right at the end Okay We'll see how much water you can skull at the end I've got a Sort of big drinking bottle there That's not that big Let's get a bucket.

You got a bucket? Oh, yeah, I've got a bucket. Stick your head in the toilet and suck. All right. We just douse it with Gatorade like the end of a football match at the end of a podcast. Yeah, let's just all punch her in the head. Okay.

Hang on, can that escalate? Hey, can I start a new segment on the podcast? I want to start something called the Little Dumb Dumb Book Club, if I may. Very quickly. Oh, Jesus Christ. But it reminds me because everything that ever happens, everything particularly that you say never, ever gets concluded. So, Bucks Night.

We haven't done anything about the Bucks Night. Oh, yeah, Bucks Night. Okay. Well, we haven't heard from him yet. I haven't heard anything from him. We did have an email that someone Googled the name Walter Bolton and it was like some famous serial killer. But yeah, I haven't heard anything.

I'm still keen to do it. But we gave him the challenge. We said, get in touch with us. Yeah, but to be fair, he emailed us and then we didn't email back. So it's not like this mystery that, oh, he hasn't even got back in touch. No, no, we could have replied. No, but we were saying on the episode, we want to know that he's actually into it.

And we figured, we put the episode up, a week after it going up is enough time. If he's into it enough to want it at his bucks, he should be on every episode the day it comes out. If he really wants us to perform at his bucks night. But I'll email Walter, the serial killer, and say, we need more info about this buck. Oh, and the door story, a lot of requests coming in.

Just to sizzle it up, I've decided I'm going to save it for the 200th episode. Right. So get your tickets. Yep. And then I'll edit that bit out of the podcast when we put it up. That's the only way of finding out. And it's only, man, those tickets are selling very fast. We're half sold out already.

Oh, great. It's only been a couple of days. Cool. So, yeah. So, Little selling very fast. We're half sold out already. Oh, great. It's only been a couple of days. Cool. So, yeah. So, Little Dumb Dumb Book Club. Now, the reason I bring this up is because we've talked on this show, we were all just talking then about gigs that we've done and sort of the realities of doing comedy.

And we've talked very briefly before about kind of our fascinations about any time stand-up is represented in drama and in other forms of media and the kind of weird ways that stand-up is portrayed. I think our recent example was that time of our live show where a friend of the show told me, Little plays a stand-up on it and there's a scene where he's on stage and two of the main characters are having a conversation

about a foot from the stage at this volume and he doesn't call them cunts or anything. He just lets it go. And, you know, like weird little things like that. I always think it's interesting. There was also a great scene where they were putting up posters of Luke McGregor and then cut to them in the club and Luke McGregor saying, can I get on tonight? Your face is on the poster.

There's a big chance. Anyway, I do enjoy really reading how stand-up is represented in other forms. And my girlfriend has just been reading this book called Sushi for Beginners by Marion Keys. I don't know if you're familiar with her. That's a great book. Have you actually read it? Yeah. It's really bad.

He's into the literary arts or eating 40 nuggets and crying in a car park. Hey, hey. I based that on a novel. Anyway, so Meryn Key, she's kind of the queen of chick lit, I think you could say. She's popular in that genre. She's one of the chick lit.

Books for girls. Girls that can write good. Are they meant to do that? It's a rom-com in book form, but worse if you can imagine such a thing. Anyway, one of the characters in this book is a stand-up comedian. So my girlfriend has delighted in reading passages to me and going, ah, this is what you do. And it's so bad.

So I want to read from it because it's spectacular, this description of a comedy night. Anyone who has any idea about how comedy functions can just see that this is just a bizarre parallel universe. So it's a character called Ted. He's just starting out. Oh, as if that had ever worked. Is he from Europe?

He really wants to be a stand-up comedian. He wants a girlfriend and he's seen how all the other comedians just get girls in. Girls love him. They're always picking up chicks and he wants some of that. Especially me. Yep. Yeah, you're right into it. You're in this book, Demi.

You're a character in this book. Yeah, what's my name? One of the male ones. I would be. So first of all, the comedy club that they're at Is called The Funny Farm Which Yes Which I like a lot

And And also Every Every other comedian Apart from this Ted character Every comedian in this Who does stand up in this book Has a stage name

Every single one of them Which I think is quite great Is that unbelievable for you? That's a world that I'd like to live in Let me tell you that It's a world you're quickly making. Yeah, anyway, I'll read through a couple pages and feel free

to interject as you see fit. The comedy gig was in a packed, rowdy club. Ted wasn't on until the middle of the show, and though the proper comedians were clever and slick, Aisling couldn't let go and enjoy herself. Too worried about how Ted would go down. Like a lead balloon, if the performance of the other

first timer was anything to go by. He was an odd, hairy little boy Is this me? Is that my character? Whose act consisted almost entirely of doing Beavis and Butthead. One person

doing Beavis and Butthead? Yeah. An odd, hairy little boy. The audience were unforgiving. What Beavis and Butthead do is comment on heavy metal film clips, isn't it? Yeah, so maybe the subject is that MTV is on in the corner of the funny farm. It's weird that a comedy club doesn't have enough respect to turn the TV off while you're on stage.

For some reason, Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers is projected onto a screen and then one person is just going... See, I actually would enjoy watching that. I also... And is someone worried about how it's going to go down? Is that right? Yeah, based on... They're worried about how their friend is going to go down.

Based on Beavis and Butthead guy did not do well with the crowd. That didn't go well. Right, right, right. But I like... I just like the... Because this was written in 2000. So she's worried going, well, if that comedy genius didn't go down well,

what's my mate going to go like? Yeah, my mate reenacting Rocco's Modern Life is going to eat shit up there. But just the reference to Beavis and Butthead just reeks of an old person just plugging hip reference into Google and just putting in the first thing that's come up. Have we started Red Dead early this week? And also like whose act consisted almost entirely of doing Beavis and Butthead,

which is in quotation marks, as if like just that throwaway thing of, well, we can all imagine what that would be, can't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The audience were unforgiving as they booed and shouted, get off your crap. Aisling's heart twisted for Ted. Now, that's quite a nice level of eloquence there. Get off your crap.

Yeah, yeah, no one's saying that. Yeah, no one's saying that as a heckle. Then it was Ted's turn. Aisling and Joy clasped hands like proud but justifiably anxious parents. Within seconds, their hands were so slippery with sweat that they had to let go. Under the lone spotlight, Ted looked frail and vulnerable. Absently, he rubbed his stomach, lifting up his T-shirt, giving a brief glimpse of the waistband of his Calvins

and his narrow, dark-haired midriff. Sounds like a porno now. Yeah, because this main character's keen on this Ted guy. Aisling approved. That might get the girls interested. This owl walks into a bar, Ted started. The audience's upturned faces were lambent with expectation. Sorry, is Chandler writing for him?

Oh yeah, sorry, the name of this book is Funny Buggers. I like, an owl walked into a bar. The audience's faces lit up with expectation. I don't think anyone's expecting anything but for that to be shit. He orders a pint of milk, Benny, a packet of crisps and ten smokes and the barman turns to his friend and says, look at that, a talking owl. There were one or two nonplussed titters but otherwise an expectant silence reigned. They were still waiting for the punchline.

Anxiously, Ted started into a new gag. My owl has got no nose, he announced. More silence. Aisling had almost gouged stigmata into her palms with tension. My owl has got no nose, Ted repeated, laced with desperation. Then Aisling understood. How does he smell, she called, her voice quavering. Terrible.

The air was thick with perplexedness. People turned to their neighbours, their faces twisted into, what the fuck? And on Ted Laboured. I met a friend of mine and he said, who was that lady I saw you walking along Grafton Street with? And I said, that was no lady. That was my owl.

Oh, he's done it again. And suddenly they seemed to get it. The laughter started small but began to swell and burgeon until the audience were in paroxysms. This sounds like Tuesday night. In fairness, it was Saturday night and they were pissed. Behind her... Was there just one audience member and it was Lomas?

Behind her, Aisling heard people wheeze. Your man's hilarious. Off the wall completely. What's yellow and wise? Ted dazzled with a smile. The audience were in the palm of his hand. I've got no idea. Their breath held, waiting for the gag.

Ted smiled around the room. Owl- infested custard. The roof nearly lifted. And why didn't they win raw? What's grey and has a trunk? A giddy pause. An owl going on holidays. That's a grey owl, obviously.

They went to the... There went the rafters again. Obviously, there went the rafters again. You're recruiting for a job. Ted was on a roll and the audience were in floods of merriment. You interview three owls and ask each of them, what's the capital of Rome? The first one says she doesn't know.

The second one says it's Italy. And the third one says that Rome... Owl. The third one says, please, sir, get off your crap. And the third one says that Rome... Owl. The third one says, please sir, get off your crap. And the third one says that Rome is a capital. Which owl do you give the job to? The owl with the biggest tits someone yelled from the back and once again

laughter and applause rose and flapped like a flock of birds. What? Applause? Rose and flapped like a flock of birds. The more established comedians who'd only let Ted on as a favour to stop him from pestering them looked at each other anxiously. Get him off, Bicycle Billy muttered the little bollocks.

Get him off like a herd of dogs eating pal. So Bicycle Billy is a name of one of the established comedians in this universe. And he's saying, get off, this is crap. Gotta go, Ted ruefully told the audience as Mark Dignan made an urgent throat-cutting gesture. Aw. Everyone complained in bitter disappointment.

We've created a fucking monster, Billy Bicycle whispered to Archie Archer, brackets, real name Brian O'Toole. I've been Ted Mullins. Good info to know. Do we need to know that later on in the book? I don't know. I've been Ted Mullins, a comedian who tells a load of owl jokes,

or should I say owl jokes, Ted Twinkled. And you've been in... I don't know either. Because the audience got involved. So it's owl jokes. Is it? Who tells a load of owl O-U-L apostrophe.

What's that now? Owl. I don't know. Well he follows that up with, and you've been an owl audience amid hysterical cheers, whistles, foot stamping and thunderous applause. He took his leave. So when did he drink the jug of water?

So that's the first instalment of the little dum-dum book club. As my girlfriend tips me off to more hot stand-up sections that are in that. That's good. A lot of that does ring true. That's like most of my gigs every night. People going crazy for horrible jokes. Like, it kind of offends me. Like, creating this universe where you, like, because that's, you know, when new comics start and they just do jokes off the internet and you go, Well, actually, I don't ever... They get called on, it's like, you can't do that, you're not allowed to do that.

And then there's a book where it's like, a guy's just doing that. And I think he becomes famous as the book goes on. He becomes really, really popular for just doing owl puns. Give me a look at that book. Yeah. Is it a new book? No, it came out like 14 years ago. It came out in 2000.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah, well, back then owl jokes were hot. So that actually makes a lot of sense. The book's not about comedians, is it? What's it actually? It's just one of the characters. It's a young woman moves to Dublin to start up a magazine. And that guy's a guy that she's met, that she's interested in.

And he does stand up. Printed in the year 2000. Has this got fucking Y2K problems, this book? It's a big book as well. Yeah, and that's in the first 30 pages. That would not inspire me to read the rest of the 400 pages. I'm just waiting for Marion to bring off the spin-off book about Billy, Bicycle Billy.

I'm really excited to see. So my girlfriend's read that and now it's just like, you know, I'm going off to do a gig and she's like, good luck, Bicycle Billy. So that book has kind of ruined my life a little bit. Don't forget to tell jokes about those birds that don't sleep at night. Well, speaking of awesome,

excellent comedy, I think it's time to do another episode of Australia's Longest Running and up there with our joke and Bicycle Billy quality. Guest written by Marion Keyes this week. Oh man, I wish it had have been let's cut to that

here's a new episode of Rad Dad it's Rad Dad here and I'm here to say I'm just riding around in the Rad Dad way Gotta wipe your kid, your cat and your dog Now see me be rad in your catalogue Yeah

Word to your mother Cause I'm Rad Dad He's the raddest dad in town Rad Dad Hey Rad Dad, is it cool if I have a friend come over and play and then stay over tonight? Sure, Jenny. As long as they don't mind being kept up by a combination of Sum 41, blaring out of my Sony Discman after I fall asleep, plus the screams from my night terrors as I dream about losing my favourite rollerblades

and never finding someone that will love me again. Go for it. Okay, great. That's the door now. Oh, hi, Danny. Hi, Jenny. You sure your dad's cool with you having a boy over? What? I didn't know you were having a boy stay over. I mean, I'm cool. I mean, I'm a very progressive father. I'm down with that. I mean, nothing's going to happen, right? I mean, how old are you guys anyway? Danny, can you even get a boner yet?

Oh, rat dad. Well, I can't now that a crusty old man in a, can you even get a boner yet? Oh, rat dad! Well, I can't now that a crusty old man in a hot tuna singlet has said boner in front of me. I'll be surprised if I don't bash my genitals in with a hammer by the end of today. I'm not sure we've got a hammer. The only thing keeping me here is that beautiful siren song you call a voice, Jenny. Thank you, Danny. And I am also attracted to your voice, which is much, much, much more masculine than mine,

obviously, as I am a girl and you are a boy. Thank you. Even though I can't help but feel we're somehow both being insulted at the moment. Look, kids, even though I'm totally cool with you hanging around in your bedroom with the door closed, because I'm totally

open-minded and progressive and I wouldn't even know how to imagine two young teenagers trying to give each other gobbies. But how about we don't do that at all and we go to the zoo instead? Holy shit, Rad Dad, if you never say gobbies again, we'll go. Well, here we are at the zoo. What a set-up. Now, what should we look at first?

How about we go and see what's in this cage over here? What does this animal do? It's a hyena, kids. Have a listen. It almost sounds like it's laughing at itself. I bet this animal would be great in a comedy club. Yeah, I've got a feeling it'd be really annoying in a comedy club. Wait a minute.

I'm just looking at the sign here. It says here, this isn't a hyena at all. It's a leopard. So why is it laughing so much? Sorry, guys. But as soon as I saw a 42-year-old frosted lips, Oakley said, guys, I'll soon as I saw a 42-year-old, frosted lips, Oakley sunglasses... Oh, shit!

Old with frosty tips, Oakley sunglasses, a goatee, a Capitrac suit pants, a tongue piercing and a suit jacket over his Emma Vincents T-shirt, I developed the power to pierce myself. Well, we've all learned something today. Yeah, that Ben Lomas can't act. No, we haven't.

Everything that's happened today is bullshit. A leopard laughed at bad fashion and then talked? What the fuck is going on? Well, I guess we could say that I made a leopard change its spots. Okay, I'm back to not laughing again. Yeah, good one. Okay, kids, let's go home. We've seen a wild animal here today.

As long as you're not a wild animal in the bedroom when we get home, Danny, we better stop at Bunnings and get that hammer just in case. Rad Dad. Rad Dad is filming in front of a live studio audience. And we're back. Yay.

We all had fun during that. That was good. That was heaps of fun. Yeah. I love that. Yep. Especially that bit. Which bit?

I don't know. Oh, yeah. Demi, we're going to Adelaide in a couple of weeks. Yeah. Can I come? Maybe you can. Yes. Do you want to?

Yeah. Okay, there you go. You heard it here first. Yeah, cool. See you there. That might be an actual thing. We'll have to work that out. Talk to me. Talk to? Yeah. Okay, there you go. You heard it here first. Yeah, cool. See you there. That might be an actual thing. We'll have to work that out. Talk to me.

Talk to my agent. Demi Lovett, yeah, born and raised in Adelaide, correct? Yeah, I did that. Yeah. I'm from there. How'd you get that? Me mum and dad rooting. Mum and dad done it in South Australia.

Mum and dad went over to cash in some bottles and all of a sudden... Australia. My dad went over to cash in some bottles and all of a sudden... What a wimp! You can still do that there, can't you? Yeah, Dad wants me to... I keep forgetting when I came here that I kept keeping the bottles and stuff. And Dad wants me to bring all the ones that we've got over in a suitcase. Oh, it does not.

It does. Have you met my dad? No. He's fucked. You know that. How many bottles, how much money is that? Yeah.

Ten cents a bottle or a can? How many bottles can you fit in your suitcase? Well, if I crushed up like heaps of cans, I could get probably a couple hundred.

No, but it's done by weight though. Yeah. Yeah, but the cans, you can crush the cans. So the most you can probably get is 16 kilos. Okay. Because then you're going to have to pay 30 bucks to get another suitcase put on board the plane anyway.

No, you've got luggage. You can take a minimum of 16 kilos. What a great episode of border security this would be. Just catching a young girl with a suitcase full of crushed cans. No, it's for me, Dad, I promise. Yeah. What was the... I don't know what I'm answering now. Yeah. Adelaide. How many cans

are you bringing home? I'm not doing it. He asked me to. But have you been, so have your instinct, as like you get to Melbourne, you move to, because you've moved to Melbourne, what, you've lived here like, not that long now, nearly a year. So those instincts of you're living in Adelaide,

you're constantly saving bottles and cans. Yeah. I imagine it's very hard to shake. Yeah. So you still, when you moved here, you were just, you know, keeping them all under your bed. No, well, we've got a toilet that doesn't work downstairs, so pretty much the room is full of cans and bottles. The can room.

Yeah. Okay. In the can. So if we're going to Adelaide, we're going to do Stand Up and our podcast. If we do a lot of stuff about the can room, people will know what we're talking about. Yeah, definitely. There's a can room in every house in Adelaide. Yep, that's all you should talk about.

How many people there do that? Is that enough of a thing? How many people would you say are really into their trading their cans in? Everyone. Really? I believe that though because in Europe you pay even more money to get the money back on. So you pay that little bit extra for the product so you then recycle more.

I understand that. I had a party when I finished school. I had a year 12 party at my house because it was a 30-second walk from my school. So last year. Feels good to watch that happen to someone else. That's awesome. So you had a can party.

Yeah, right. Is that the right passage? You have your can party. It was two years ago. Last day of school, you have your can party. We had a can party. On your last day of school at Can You. Yeah.

Anyway, I had a party at my house and everyone brought drinks. Yes. It was a can party. What else are you going to bring? The oldest guy here. Please, guys, let her finish. Everyone brought drinks and stuff and then the next day, because the whole of year 12 had come to my house,

I made like 70 bucks for having a party. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Is that maybe a thing? Are there any tight asses doing a bit of, you know, like if you go to someone's house and you take a six pack and you don't quite drink at all and then, you know,

there's some shifty types who rock up the next day and go, can I get those two beers back out of your fridge, mate? Is there anyone coming around and going, I bought a 1.25 litre that's in your recycling. Can we maybe get that? We're doing these shows in Adelaide. Is there any way maybe instead, instead of charging money, we should be charging cans?

Oh, no. If people can come in and bring X amount of cans in. But then you're going to get a tonne of homeless people into the game. Yeah, great. Yeah, these homeless people are going through bin's going, got to get to that podcast later on. That was a weird thing

that like, because in Adelaide, like pretty, almost all the homeless people just have like a bag or a trolley that they just fill up with cans

so they can get money and stuff and it was weird when I came over here and the homeless people were just like, oh, just sit on the ground

instead. Yeah. Yeah. It does give the homeless something to do, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean, like, so if we, if Melbourne ever, you know, switches its game up and we, if Melbourne ever, you know, switches its game up and gets on board the whole, you know, trading in cans thing.

Yeah. You guys in your share house, you're going to be loving it. Yeah. You're ready. You're getting in on the ground floor. Well, I don't know because right now in the state of our houses, I think most of those cans are like, they're like the foundation for our house right now.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. They're load bearing cans. They're load bearing cans. Yeah. Sorry, I just had it on this one. In Holland, you get five euros back if you return a crate of beer

with all the empty bottles in it. So if you don't have all the empty bottles, they subtract it because each bottle is like 25 cents. So you put it on this conveyor belt and then it works it out and then you get this little docket and then you go to the cash register and you get your money back and I thought the genius I was

and I thought why don't I just grab a full crate of beer put it in the machine and then just get the ticket and then get free money and like I thought

I thought you know how would I know the difference it's just returning bottles of crate of beer just for how old are you

in this story it doesn't matter 27 if only you were like Kurt Cobain and died at that age It's just returning bottles of creative beer. How old are you in this story? It doesn't matter, 27. If only you were like Kurt Cobain and died at that age. Still here for the fans. So I put it in there and the docket comes out. I was like, how good is this?

And this guy comes out and goes, do you really think you're the first person to think of this? Do you really think that? I was like, fair enough. So how long did you live in Holland for? The first time a year and then the second time a year and a half. Why did you go back? Well, the second time I was- Deported for that canned caper.

Get out of here, Danny Ocean. You got deported, went straight to Adelaide for their big can parties. Catching on the cans. No, I was working in a nightclub in Amsterdam and the lifestyle got a bit too much. Oh, really? So I needed to head home. Did you go home for detox?

A little bit, yeah. There was a period where I hadn't seen sunlight for like two weeks. Demi, you're not old enough to get into nightclubs, so you can take this as a... It feels good to do it to someone else. Hang on, let's go through this Sushi for Beginners book. There might be a scene about a nightclub that could tell you what it's like. Oh, no, there's a page on there that Demi can colour in.

There's a cartoon of Billy Bicycle killing it on live at the Apollo. You're enjoying this way too much. Now you know what it's like to be me. I know. I'm getting a horrifying glimpse into the heart of darkness. So you really went too hard

working in nightclubs. What are Dutch nightclubs like in comparison to here? This one was like an old rockers club from the 70s they'd been around from the 70s and it was on the outskirts of the red light district

right and it was where it was a real weird mix of people who'd been going to the club since the 70s and tourists so it was just

a really weird mix and on Sundays the owners were a bit like they were a bit mad right and on Sundays I saw this weird sort of club that they –

it was called – I don't know. It was called Club Winston. But anyway, it was just this weird group of people. But people were allowed to pay in drugs. So people were allowed to go, I'll have three vodka red balls. And they were like, I've got a little bit of this dust and a pill. I was like, okay, that's about right. That seems like a pretty bad exchange rate.

Like, why don't you just – If you want to get fucked up, why aren't you just doing the dust and the pills? Yeah. It was such a weird night because sometimes it'd be like a song contest for transsexuals or transvestites. So are you being paid with this stuff as well? Are they putting some of the angel dust into your super?

No, but it was just... And then they'd highlight this juggler and then there'd be a guy doing blackjack. It was just... Hang on, hang on. This is more disturbing. There's jugglers in nightclubs over there? Yeah.

It was just... It was a really weird club. Hang on. At the start of this, we said, tell us about the nightclub you worked in in Amsterdam. Not the last time you ate cheese before you went to bed. And describe the dreams that you had cheese before you went to bed and describe the dreams that you had that night.

It just got better. No, the last time he ate cheese before bed and then sleepwalked into Ringling Circus. What are Dutch nuggets like? Delicious. You put them in a little bit of mayonnaise? That actually does sound like a drug, a Dutch nugget.

I thought it sounded more like a bad thing you do in your bed. Yeah, it sounds like a sex thing. Give her the old Dutch nugget. 40 of them. Even better with mayonnaise. Have you ever smoked a Dutch nugget? You are fucking disgusting. Have you ever taken a Dutch nugget through the drive-thru?

Have you ever eaten 20 Dutch nuggets? Hey guys, I find this offensive. This is my culture. Have you ever put all your sweet and sour sauce into a big Dutch cup? Yeah. Yeah, no, I had to leave. It was just like, you know, you partied a lot. But then you went back like a year later.

No, I go back once a year. I go back once a year. And then, you know, it's easy to go back and have fun for two weeks rather than go back and try and live there and once a year. And then, you know, it's easy to go back and have fun for two weeks rather than go back and try and live there and do that lifestyle. It's pretty messy. Sounds like a lot of fun.

It was a lot of fun. But I just missed home, you know. No. So how old were you? 27, you were saying? Yeah, 27, 28. Do you think you'll go through a big, big like full-on party phase, Demi? Do you reckon you'll ever just

rip in and just destroy your life? That's sort of what I'm doing now. Like I see your gigs and you've got a problem. If you're old enough to get served, you would have a problem. Yeah, right. I stopped drinking.

But that's probably a good thing. All right. Let's say it is. No, but if you go through, there's a lot of comics out there that have substance problems. No, but it is. Is there a lot? I reckon there is. Okay.

I reckon there's a lot of undiagnosed alcoholism going on in comedy. I stopped drinking, but I did mushrooms the other day, and all it did was I got trapped in the bath. I just couldn't figure did was I got trapped in the bath. I just couldn't figure out how to get out. And then Hodge came in and he was like, oh. He came in while you were in the bath? No, I wasn't.

I was just standing in the bath. So you guys were together. We all did. The whole house was doing mushrooms. We did it. I just, we were all in the bathroom at some point and I was like Hodge are we have we always been and he was like I don't know mate

and then and then I got I got in the bath and I was like I'm the wrong shape and then I I got trapped in there and I was like

Hodge I don't know what to do and he was like alright let me work on it and we stood in the bathroom talking for about 20 minutes and he was like I've got it and then he got in the bath

and then we were both trapped in there so and people listening at home And we stood in the bathroom talking for about 20 minutes. And he was like, I've got it. And then he got in the bath. And then we were both trapped in there. And people listening at home, we're recording this at your house from the bath. You're still in there. I can't work it out. You are pruned up. You are very wrinkly. It's weird.

You've got great personal hygiene. You're out of your mind. Yeah, yeah. You smell great. Yeah. But like, yeah, So that's all that. Yeah, I'm not drinking anymore, but that's okay. So you did mushrooms.

Went out of your mind, went, gee, I've got to stay off the grub. Yeah. That makes no sense. Because drinking just, I have never. It's because of the bath thing. She's scared of all liquids now. Oh, yeah. You've stopped drinking bath water. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. I've got to stop drinking moonshine. It's been four weeks, three days since I had my last cup of bath water I've only done mushrooms a couple of times But I really enjoyed it a lot That's a wise thing to say I think it's more in common with comics That they'll lay off the booze and start taking it to the hard drinks

We used to go to a friend's farm Where there was no one around The closest neighbour is down the you know, down the road. So we could just, there'd be like five of us and we'd, you know, do mushrooms and, you know, you just go crazy. And you feel very safe because you're just in your own little world. And me and some friends, you know, we had some people there who'd done them before and they were like,

don't, you know, everyone stick together. Don't go off, don't go wandering. So me and my two mates, immediately we go, let's go for a wander. So we just leave everyone else. Go straight to Demi's bar. Yeah, the real drugs hotspot of Melbourne. The red light district of Yellowdell. So we go for a walk down a road and we can see this greenhouse.

This big owl, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We go for a walk down a road and we can see this greenhouse. This big owl? Yeah. We see this big greenhouse and we just convince ourselves that it's some dodgy hydroponic drug operation going on and we're like, oh, they're growing weed. The neighbours are growing weed.

And then we hear the sound of a horse and we go, fuck, we're going to get trampled by a horse. And so we all freak out and we run back to the house and then the next day when we're leaving we're all you know sober now we're driving past the property that we'd walked past and it's obviously just a big greenhouse that's growing tomatoes there's obviously nothing bad going on and then we look in the paddock and we see the tiniest shetland pony I have ever seen. Just like trotting it like a My Little Pony that was the thing that we all thought was going to kill us.

Debbie, imagine something about three times as big as you. You understand now. So like a big stallion. Something I could ride around in a million. Yeah. You've never, have you ever done anything, Carl? No. Is this just a new conversation?

I'm going to edit everything out of the podcast before this. This is my opening question. Well, I have done a lot of water recently. H2O is my drug, man. You've never, Carl, so you've never ever dabbled into the wacky tobacco? Very, very rarely. Like only a very small amount. Like I went, I once when I was like a teenager,

I went like had a lot of it and just went really crazy and just went, I'm too scared of doing that again. And it was just, it was just too much. It wasn't like, it was just a thing where I was at a friend's house. You just had a lot of showers. That's when you know you're an adult, when you get on the drugs and you have showers instead of baths. Got stuck in a spa.

Stuck in a spa. Yeah, no, no. Just, yeah, nothing spectacular. Just went way too hard and went, oh, that's, I'm just out of my mind and just had this great idea. And I was out in the bush as well. Yeah. And I was really thinking, I'm going to,

someone had to stop me from walking to my mum and dad's house. No. Which is like how far away? Like ages away? 15 kilometres, maybe more. Right, great, great. And they're like, no, even, it was like, yeah, even if you do walk 15 kilometres in the middle

of the night, do you want your mum and dad talking to you at this stage or? I smoked a joint with someone after a gig in Adelaide maybe about a year ago and I had the first time I've ever freaked out doing anything like that. I had a full scale meltdown where I was this close to calling up the hospital because I was staying with family friends and they weren't there and I was just lying in the bed and going, I'm dying, I'm actually... And because I have high blood pressure as well,

I was like, oh, that's it. Well, my heart's just fucked. And then was like seriously thinking, you know, what if I like... I should just be safe and call the hospital but then you're also conscious enough to go, oh, no, but imagine waking up in hospital tomorrow morning. They've called my parents and I'm going, sorry, guys, I had half a joint and just had a bit

of a freak out. But quite often it happens. Well, like me, I was freaking out and just sitting there going, like, I remember just thinking, all right, I'll just beat this in my mind. I'll beat, and I was like, oh, that's. I did that. People just going, don't do that. Yeah, Demi, you're just like, just take the plug out of the bath.

Just pull the plug out. And then I can escape through the sewer system. That's how I get out of the bath. Like a little ninja turtle. Drink the bubble bath and just piss off. My old friend Mr. Matey here is going to help me. If that was me, literally, in my current form, I'd be in the bath trying to drink the contents of the bath so I can get out.

But when someone does it for the first time, they usually freak out and that's when you have that hospital run. And I had a friend who wanted to try it. They came to visit me at home and they said, but I don't want to smoke it. And I was like, okay, well, we can put it in tea. We can bake it into a nugget. We can spread it over 40 minutes for you.

But why do I have to still go through the drive-thru? Just do it. Just do it. It's all about the trip, man. She drank the tea, right? And then it was quite a lot of tea and she drank like all of it. And then like she just had the massive freak out. But I said, look look it's okay i'll

go i'm just gonna go to the supermarket and i'll come back and and we'll drink some juice and everything will be fine right and i come back and she's screaming and she's like it's like just watch out my dead grandparents are just right there and i'm like i'm like it's okay they're not here she's like they're there they're just leaving they just said goodbye to you and i'm like, it's okay, they're not here. She's like, they're there, they're just leaving, they just said goodbye to you. And I'm like, oh, okay, we're really struggling. And then, this is amazing, she just starts screaming at her hand, just screaming, going, oh, my God, my hand's dead. My hand's dead. Then she starts blowing into the middle finger

and trying to give her hand CPR. I love because she's blowing into the middle finger. That was a big elaborate set up to like, you know, when people trick you into giving you the finger. Yeah. God, yeah. Oh, he's come back to life. My hand's dead.

Oh, one of them's back. But then you realise that it's there and then it's their world. And so I'm like, you're losing. And she's like, you're not going to do anything to help me with my hand. And then I had no choice. I just rubbed my knuckles together and went, clear. You did not. You did not.

That's a joke. It's not a joke. It's not a joke at all, right? So then we did it. That didn't work, right? She was confused. That didn't work. So that didn't work

Slow down Doogie Howser What did you do? So then It was just this weird thing And I lived with Eight other people And I wasn't supposed to In this share house

I wasn't supposed to Have guests over So then It was just this weird thing Oh yeah Because that's the worst rule You've broken in this Yeah

You're especially not supposed To kill the guest's hands. So then I said, I will just soak it in the sink in warm water. And then she's there. Hang on, I feel thirsty, but anyway. And so one of the housemates walked past. And my friend's crying, like just crying. And I was like, just play it cool. And then the housemaster, yeah master yeah anyway i'll explain that but so he was like what's going on here and i was like it's okay she just

hurt her hand and my friend goes hurt my hand it's dead you know how you said like it's her world and stuff like we were all when uh we did this the other week the the mushrooms, we were all totally into everything that was happening to each other. But they told me afterwards, because right at the start, I was like, I think I'd better do a little bit less than you guys because I'm littler than you. Three foot tall.

Yeah, because I'm one. Because you're using both hands to pick up the mushrooms. Yeah. You're like Mario when he's little before you get there. So like I did less than that. Because you were living in the mushroom at the time. That's why you should do less. Keep going.

You're small. Tell us about you and Big Ears getting on the gear. You do look quite naughty at the moment. You've got your little hat on. Jesus. You've got your little hat on. To be in its defense you are wearing a little hat yes yeah sorry yeah you're in you're in each other's world yeah um uh right uh so i like right at the start it uh it was a lot quicker for me than everyone else and i just went like i was having the best time the whole time but they didn't know because all i was doing was this, like just like I couldn't stop moving and

it looked like I was really freaking out and after that they were all like, yeah, we were pretty worried that maybe you were going to die but we didn't want to make it any worse by telling you. Yeah, which is smart, which is smart. And they were all like, yeah. Because when you die, you don't want to hear about it. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to bang on about it.

You just want to die and that's it. I felt like I was someone's hand. Yeah, because you'd be banging on. But then they were just like, yeah, you're the most terrifying yardstick. Because we were like, is this going to happen to us? Oh, yeah. Imagine watching that going, oh, well, that's me in five minutes. Yeah, but it wasn't.

It's just me. But it's not telling. I had one friend who had never taken before, and there was five of us, and he came up to me halfway through the night and went, oh, yeah, and I was like, what's really going on? I am so terrified. He goes, I'm trying to cry, but I can't.

Well, that night... So is everyone in Holland like you? Just laughing at everything. Oh, yeah. Good one, girl. You know, there was that thing where people would start to do stuff like that, but then there'd be those horror stories where people would be like, oh, watch out because I know this guy.

And, like, once you left school, you know when you'd hear about people, when you left school, you'd hear about people that you used to go to school with? Yeah. There was a story about one of these crazy guys I went to school with where it was like, oh, did you hear about him? Did you hear about him? Well, what happened? Oh, he just did way too many tabs of acid.

And for weeks, he thought he was a bottle of orange juice that couldn't move. Because if he moved, the orange juice would spill out and he'd be dead. Wow, that's a very thin bottle that movement causes it to split open. It's a very filled up bottle. But then, it comes out and he can just take himself to South Australia and cash himself in for 10 cents. Yeah, once he's given up on himself, oh man,

I'm just going to Adelaide to cash myself in. Oh wow. Suicide metaphor. Well guys, that is just about all the time we have for the Little Dum Dum Club this week. Ben Lomas, Demi Lardner, thanks for joining us. Thank you. Hope both your mum and dads don't listen to this one, but anyway. Oh, yeah.

Demi, you're doing shows in the Edinburgh Fringe. Yeah. Which we have a handful of listeners over there. Oh, cool. Yeah, I'm doing the whole thing. It's at 10.30 in the Gilded Balloon in the Wee Room. Yeah. It's called Birds With Human Lips.

No explanation necessary. Ben, are you getting your calendar out to see what you've got to play? I'm also off to Edinburgh. I'm doing a show called Nuggets. I'm not at the gilded balloon. No, I'm not going to Edinburgh.

Alright. Did you have to look that up that you weren't going? I'm not at the Gilded Balloon. No, I'm not going to Edinburgh. Oh. Yeah. All right. Yeah, we're not all successful. Did you have to look that up that you weren't going? Yeah, no, still not successful. I can only assume when I open up August it's going to say Edinburgh in it, but let's just have it. It doesn't say anything. No, no, I've got nothing coming up except for your gig next week.

Oh, yeah? Five bars. I've got nothing coming up except for your gig next week. Oh, yeah? Five Barrows. Come down to Five Barrows Comedy every Thursday night in Hardware Lane in Melbourne. A lot of listeners come down. A lot of people coming from interstate pop in. So keep that up. That would be awesome. Yeah.

And, guys, we've got the 200th episode on sale. And that is also at Five Barrows? Yes. Saturday, August 2nd. Don't listen to what you read on Twitter. Saturday, August 2nd. Don't listen to what you read on Twitter. Saturday, August 2nd at 7.30. Tickets for that are on sale now. And then we're doing Adelaide.

We're doing... In Melbourne. It's a Saturday night. So we haven't done a Saturday night gig before. So 7.30 till 8.30. Then we'll see what happens. There's a chance it might be something else going on afterwards. Yeah, we'll see.

Yeah, we'll see. The night is young. And then Adelaide, Tuesday, August 12th. We're going to be over there. I'm sure you wouldn't say afterwards. It's just a going on afterwards. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah, we'll see. The night is young. And then Adelaide, Tuesday, August the 12th, we're going to be over there. I'm sure you wouldn't say afterwards, just a lot of drinking. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, maybe some other stuff. Maybe some mushrooms.

Mushrooms. Yeah. Chee-wee weights on the rooms. Let's just say. B.Y.O. Bathtub. Someone's dressing up in a big owl costume. Someone just bought himself a two-litre jug of water water So we'll see how crazy the night goes

Billy Bicycle's going to be off his fucking bicycle And then Tuesday, August 12th In Adelaide We're coming over We're doing a three hour extravaganza A live podcast with some friends of the show That are coming over with us And then we're both doing an hour of stand up

Both our solo shows From this year's festival So Carl Chandler's got talent And my show Dreamboat That's all on sale now We're both doing an hour of stand-up, both our solo shows from this year's festival, so Kyle Chandler's got talent. And my show, Dreamboat, that's all on sale now. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets. So we actually, and this is the most impressive thing I think we've ever done with the podcast. We're actually shipping guests over for this.

We're actually bringing people over, i.e. not trusting anyone in Adelaide to be a good guest. Yeah, so it's going to be fun. You're going to get plenty of bang for your buck. It's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, it's Tuesday night, whatever, a bit of a weird night. But yeah, come out and yeah, it'll be fun. It's going to be a big night and then we're staying over, I don't know where, and then we'll probably have a big night of it as well.

Yeah, there's already been a couple of people message about 24-Hour Bakeries, so maybe we do some kind of after-party thing there. But guys, get on that. So, yeah, Melbourne and Adelaide, both on sayourlittledumbdumbclub.com. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.