The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 197 - Dave Thornton & Asher Treleaven

Episode Date: July 16, 2014

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Hey mates, we've got a bunch of live shows coming up that we would love you to come and see. Carl, what's happening first? Hey, we've got our 200th episode live at Five Burrows Comedy in the City of Hardware Lane on what, August the 2nd on Saturday night. Yes, that's in Melbourne of course. Yes. Saturday, August 2nd, 7.30pm. Some big guests locked in.

It is going to be a real hoot. And on Saturday night means we're going to kick on afterwards and have a very fun time. Yes, and it's selling really quickly, so you'd better jump on it if you haven't got your tickets already because it's probably going to be sold out before it happens, I would say. So only a little bit left until that. Also, not long after that, Adelaide, Tuesday, August the 12th, we're coming over for a big three-hour block,

both of our solo shows and then a live podcast with some friends of the show from Melbourne that we're flying over. That's it. Three people you know very well from past episodes and three of our favourites. Yeah. So tickets for both of those things are at littledumbdumbclub.com. Come down, say hi, and we'll see you there. See you, mates.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, I got bullied on the way to your house just walking down the street. Did you?

Yeah. Fuckhead. Oh, it's happening again. And in the house as well. So you live opposite a school, which we've talked about on the show many times, and I believe it's lunchtime out there at the moment. Yeah. And so I was walking past and some young girls were kind of standing at the fence

and they were waving at me. Oh, sorry. Are you doing the impression of their voice now? Yes. Yeah, I'm deep in character. Oh, right, right, right. You've been preparing for this a long time. These little girls are talking in the third person yeah so they wave at me and i kind of you know wave back and then one of them there's three of them one of

them says something to the other two soft enough that i can't hear it right and then they all start pointing and laughing at me but this happened so i'm walking past this happened like you know at the start of me walking past so I just had this really long walk because they could see me like going into your house and just being laughed at by a group of young children. Oh, you didn't ask why? Why would I ask why? Excuse me, young girls, why are you laughing at me?

Well, I'd like to know. I mean, I would like to know but I'd like to think that you'd like to know. We can go in there now and you can pretend to be my dad. Why were you laughing at my son? He's got this weird ageing disease and now he's got girls laughing at him as well. What if I... It's like to find out,

I go in sort of like never been kissed style and pretend to be a young schoolgirl. You go in 21 Jump Street style to uncover the case of your bullying. Yeah, and then I blow their brains out. Yeah. So, yeah, those young schoolgirls, if you're listening. We've got to wrap this up before school finishes because if they're out there again, I'm going to be torn apart.

Yeah, I'm going to have to drive you home myself. Please, I'd love that. Today on the show, two guests, one of whom is joining us for the very first time He is a Barry Award nominated comedian Please welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club, Asher Trelevan I saw that school as well What's your usual response if you get bullied by kids?

You say that as if you presume it happens a lot, which it surprisingly doesn't But do you worry that it happens to the best of us? I think you reach an age where you're just flat out, anyone who's younger than you, you just get – like if I'm on a train and some school kids get on, my instant thought is, oh, no. Do you get a bit nervous? Yeah, I get way nervous.

I don't know what I think is going to happen, but you just cross a point in your life where you go – because those first couple of years out of school, you're like – you still think of – you're at uni and you feel cool because you're like just out of school. But then, yeah, you cross a point where you know that kids are looking at you going, I could take him. But I think, I've got a little bit of that thing where I see kids of a certain age, maybe

16, 17, and they look a bit hoodlum-ish. Yeah. And I'll walk past them and I think to myself, you know what? There was a stage where I would be scared of you, but I'm not. I'm doing pretty good. Yeah. But don't you just think at a certain age that everyone at that age looks like a hoodlum? Yeah.

Like even kids that you knew at school you would have thought you were a nerd. Just because they have a phone, you're like, oh, no. Yeah. They could take me. Yeah. Even girls, to be honest. Even the girls. Well, the girls took you down with that one.

But maybe they were giggling about how cute you were with your little hat. That's what I like to believe, yeah. Anyway, someone who's... You've got boots. You've got a wee pair of boots. You know boots go a long way with the ladies. That could be it, yeah. Was it a primary school or like a high school?

That's a primary school. I cannot stress enough how young they were. They were maybe nine tops. That's disturbing. Maybe that was just... Maybe they weren't last. Maybe that was just the gurgles of them going through puberty as they looked

at you. The gurgles of them going through puberty. Well, someone who's probably had his fair share of harassment by pubescent girls is our second guest on the show. You know him from Fifi and Dave on Fox FM. Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dave Thornton. Smooth segue on my part.

Yeah, it was very good. Well done. And, Daz, you have to appreciate at least my theatre experience where I didn't enter this conversation. I was sitting there with blue balls going, oh, I could just sling shit right now. And I sat off to the wings going, no, wait for my cue. I've got 15 minutes on eight-year-old girls.

Come on, let me in. Let me in the game, coach. Hot tip, not wise to refer to your own balls when we have been talking about young girls, but anyway. Well, that's up for the course to decide. But it's interesting you said that because I probably only a few months ago, I did one of those talks where you go to a school and they go, you need to do what you want to do.

I know. It was so annoying because I actually had a Paralympian next to me and this one guy who had just worked. He's now worked overseas dedicating his whole professional life to non-for-profit organisations. What was his thing? Like no leg or like an arm one? He was...

An arm one. Sorry. An arm one. Arm one. We glazed over kids and you were fine. We got to amputees? That's when it really floated your boat, Asher. What a great...

Imagine him being introduced and our next guest is a man who his number of arms is one. Please welcome... But we had that whole situation and, yeah, you're trying weirdly enough as a comedian to try and tell jokes but all these kids are kind of like mouths agape, kind of thinking. They're not sure what they're in for, they're not sure what they're getting thrown at you.

So it's a little bit weird and out of your comfort zone. But there were a group of girls where I noticed they were laughing, just giggling at me. Yeah. And like the same thing where they're just giggling at you and you're so at sea and all your natural instincts from like a gig kicks in where they're just like, and Dave, what do you think?

I'm like, well, you know, it all just depends. I suppose you all want confidence in yourself. I'm like those three chicks there, they're just insecure. They seem to be giggling at something. I'm like, there's just silence. I was like, have you smashed those 15-year-old girls there? Yeah, right, sweetheart. I remember my first beer as well.

Yeah. Yeah, girls, I remember my first period. What else you got? I don't come to your school and kick the cocks out. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. So it was really weird because I just was – and then the natural instinct to be like your MC thing,

like, okay, I'm done here. I'll just hand it back to your speaker. You've been a great crowd. I just want to get the fuck out of the auditorium. That's weird. When do people become a comedy audience? Because there is that thing where people at high school are sort of like, oh, they don't really know how to react.

It must be just like a – is that part of the HSC exam these days to how to become a comedy audience? How to have a modicum of respect. Yeah. Because we've been talking about this a bit because I've been asked to go back and do a gig at my school, which is I think in a couple of weeks. And I'm terrified because I just remember – and everyone has this no matter how cool you are or uncool you are.

Everyone at school has the same instinct. Anyone from outside who comes in, any grown person, you just think, what a fucking loser. Absolutely. Look at this idiot, an adult coming back into a school like he knows anything about the world. That's just a projection of their own idea of themselves because they know they're horrible people with nothing to give.

Yeah. So you're just standing there looking at them just going, I'm just here to shit on you, basically. This is what winning looks like. You guys, what do you do? Oh, little mama needs a little, you need a little nappy for your lips. You just go in and just like rule, just destroy the front row for an hour. Mic on the ground.

I'm out. Suck my bowl. That's a low time. Maybe I could become like the Don Rickles of school performing where I'm just going everyone in the ground. I'm out. Suck my ball. Dassolo time. Maybe I could become like the Don Rickles of school performing where I'm just going everyone in the crowd. There must be a school entertainer like that. If you did that and just roasted the teachers for half an hour, you would be the king of the school.

Like when you go into a cricket club and you find who's the dickhead, who's the opposing team. Wobbsy bummed his sister. All right, here we go. I've got ten minutes on Wobbsy. Well, that's Principal Wobbsy. If his sister Alright here we go I've got 10 minutes on Wobbsy Well that's principal Wobbsy If you could just have some respect But no you're exactly right I've done a gig at my old high school

And that's exactly what I did Roach the teachers And they're like Ah ha ha ha You're saying what we're all thinking Like it was really easy I need to do that I need to find out who I know that's still there

I actually want to be asked by my high school Because you'd like to think that Meriborough High doesn't have that many alumni that are worth talking to, but they still don't think I'm worth coming back and going, this is how you do it, boys. Why isn't there a bust of Chandler in the assembly hall? Something to do with the fact that every school I've ever been to has been knocked down, maybe.

Oh, okay. Knocked down? Yeah. All of my schools got knocked down in Meriborough High. And knocked down? Yeah. All of my schools got knocked down in my right hand. And knocked down with a wrecking ball that's got your face painted on it, at least? Mate, this is some Don Draper shit right here. We don't know who Chandler really is.

I know you went to war. Yeah, yeah. Your major was called Carl Chandler. He got shot. You took his dog tag. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I don't have a passport. I don't have any actual ID or anything.

I just was conjured by a wizard one day. Mary Borough. I've never heard of it. Have you guys heard of it? In Mary Borough, they've knocked down all the schools and they've built one multi-purpose school at the tip. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, at the tip. Cutting out the middle man. At the garbage tip. Guys, dream and dream big. Look At the tip. Cutting out the middle man. At the garbage tip. Guys, dream and dream big. Look across the road. That's great. How long has it been there for? A couple of years.

I think it was like five years or something like that. It's crazy because they've built it at the tip. So they've built it in like a part of Meribah where not that many people were going. So there's like this one tiny little road going to this school that has 5,000 people at it. So it's done absolutely. It's like, I know it's hard to get to, but it does stink like 100 years of garbage. So there's that going on. Guys, yeah, it's only up from here.

We need to find it. In Geelong, because they've got landfill down at like, there's Barrabool Road, it goes down a hill. And it is just where a tip used to be. And so it's landfill you know you can't build on it for years and years to make sure it's all fine but of course

in Geelong being as PC as it is that's where they built the special needs school like they were just like legitimately it was landfill and they were like ah

who's gonna know and their nose is disabled? I hope so there's a block of apartments kind of near me that's abandoned because the story I heard was they were building them and they'd like, you know,

pre-sold all the, you know, all these apartments and, you know, people had bought off plan and they were like, they're pretty much finished and then there's a park next to it where they did some testing in the ground and there was like all this radiation, like there was like some old waste or something like under the park or whatever.

And so all the people who bought the apartments were like, nah, no thanks. And so it's just this building that's just – this block of flats that's just completely abandoned. Oh, wow. Yeah. Because the playground has that like – you know that on the ground when they had that kind of like plastic-y

sort of stuff, that squishy? They put that over because it was like seeping up through the tan bark or whatever. They could literally turn that into like Dr Xavier's Academy. Yeah. For gifted – you just move in and get a new talent because you're radioactive. Yeah. No, the reality would be Dr Xavier's apartment of people who all have cancer. Dr Xavier's school of people with breathing difficulties.

Hey, Hugh Jackman attached though, so that sounds good to me. You might have an adamantium skeleton, but I can only run about 150 metres before I crap out. Adamantium skeleton, iron lung, what is the difference? I have this talent, I have this massive lawsuit

pending. They're always being sent out to fight crimes and they're like, why us? It hurts to walk up the stairs. Can't the cops do this? I need to steal things. All my nails have fallen out. If you take a bullet... I mean, you still own the inevitable anyway.

Yeah. The big semen. There you go. Oh, Jesus. Semen. Oh, that wasn't even the worst bit of that. Oh, we're back. Yeah. Gazinga. Oh, should have used even the worst bit of that. Oh, we're back. Yeah, gazinga.

Oh, should I use that on the radio? We made that a classier joke with a spoof reference. Actually, you grew up in a... I'd forgotten about it. If this is a radio show, can Dasolo be the stint? I always like the guy that gets the noun rather than an actual name. No, no. Margot Beverly in The Stint.

The Stint. What were we going to be? Someone suggested a radio name for us and it was like, wasn't it Grumpy in the Lezo? Oh, yeah. No, Lezo in the Grump. Yeah, Lezo in the Grump. So, yeah, so it's you go, it's like Xavier's impersonation of us

where you say, that's another spoof reference, and I go, oh, Grump. Yeah. So it's you go, it's like Xavier's impersonation of us. Yes. Where you say, that's another spoof reference. And I go, oh, grump. No, I think Xavier's was, someone spoofed in me Big Mac. And you go, oh, grumpy. Asher, you grew up in a remote part of the world. Is that fair? Not super remote, but you're from a small town.

Yeah, I started going to therapy recently and one of the first questions my therapist... We've all got stuff going on. My therapist asked me was like, okay, so how many places did you live in? How many times have you changed a dress? And I went, 17. Wow. So I changed schools about six times in primary school and then four times in year seven. And then by the time I got to Mullumbimby High School, I was like, this is near one of the worst schools

that I've ever been to. But I'm not moving. I'm not going anywhere. So Mullumbimby was where I did my schooling, which is well known for pot. And that is it. That is all that school has going on. And Iggy Azalea went there for a while.

Oh, right. But they are still standing, those schools. It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be worse. Yeah, they haven't abolished all trace of your childhood from there. So that's something. How are you going walking around saying to people,

speaking from the most experience that anyone here has, this is the worst school in the country? It is the worst. Like I went to school in Humpty Doo, which is like a weird, like just imagine a suburb that is just Bessabricks, raw dirt and meat ants. That is just the entire suburb. My only memories from that place are finding a horse in our house

one night coming home. A horse? A horse after my parents having a borderline domestic, coming home to find a horse just walking through the lounge room which kind of looked back at us and left without any kind of prompting. They're polite, the horses in Humpty Dee.

Yeah, yeah. My mum having a car accident and having to retrieve... I'm glad the horse came first, by the way. Yeah, well, that really sticks with you when you're a kid. You tend to block out serious trauma. I freaked out when a bird got that really sticks with you when you're a kid. You tend to block out serious trauma. Oh, man, I freaked out when a bird got in our house one time when I was a kid. A fucking horse would have blown my head

apart. But a bird? Just a horse hitting the window. Oh, he needs to get out. He's trying to get out. Or just trying to touch the light like some kind of enormous moth. Yeah, Mullum was bad. We came in at that unfortunate period for people from the old... Look, I was born in 79, which is the cusp of acceptable beatings.

So we came in at the time in school when we were like the first raver skater kids. In a school that was only like rural bogans who wore rollers and were into listening to death metal all the fucking time and hippies named Petulia Mango and so forth with the ponytails and so forth. So we were like the eight kids doing that in Mullum, which was made for a really happy high school experience. But I like that.

You find your own people and whatever. Growing up in Maryborough, you got to that age of grunge was coming in and stuff like that. So then all of a sudden you find something to get into together against all the... Old man Chandler's going on about grunge again. Here we go.

God, I was into hardcore techno as a kid. I was into hardcore techno and Primus. That's early days too. Yeah, that was the first days of happy hardcore techno. A few gatecrasher CDs maybe? Yeah. Yeah, that was the first days of happy hardcore techno. A few gatecrasher CDs maybe? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Lots of very, you know, the kind of dancing that you can't keep up for any age over 19. You just could not dance. I had a friend who was like super into like hardcore trance music when we were in like maybe year nine. And I remember we went on a holiday once and this friend came with us and he had this CD that he made us listen to in the car. So it's me, him and my mum with him just going,

listen to how good this is and mum just hating it so much going, can we please put on gold or something and him going, nah, this is so, like just taking control of the CD player in our car with this intense rave music. This is also, I put the talc down, you'll dance. But how are you into that when you're like 13? Like, you know, if you go into clubs and whatever, you're like, I can't wait to hear this on the dance floor.

It's like, what are you getting out of it at 13? Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's nothing really in it. Yeah. You guys have both come back from the Americas in the last couple of weeks. Where did you go? I was in LA

in San Francisco, Vegas, New York. Work? Ironically that is the exact reverse of my trip. Like I did your trip but the other side over. So we're the same but opposite like Ken and Ryan. I know, just crossing paths.

Except you've got a beautiful Ryu head of hair and I'm the balding Oh, so we're the same but opposite, like Ken and Ryan are street fighters. I know, I know, just crossing paths. This is crazy. Except you've got a beautiful Ryu head of hair and I'm the balding Ken with that weird, like, blonde, like, long at the back but nothing holding it up at the top. I've always thought you were more Dhalsim than Ken. Oh, yeah, I would totally get into a bit of Dhalsim. The yoga flame dude. I'm a jerk flame.

You're like a tiny Zangief. Thank you. Yeah, that's right. What do you reckon? I'm like the guy that didn't bother to learn The fucking names of video game characters No he's the Brazilian electric Blanker Yeah you'd be a great blanker E-Honda

With shades of blanker Japanese quick hands Oh classic Grumpy The Lezo's got him again Japanese quick hands. Oh, classic grumpy. The lezzo's got him again. So you just purely went on holidays with a friend of the show, Tommy Little? Yes, that's true. That's exactly right.

Arch nemesis is on the FM dial, but best buddies in the Americas. Is that it? In your contract, are you only allowed to be friends in the Americas. Is that it? Is that, in your contract, are you only allowed to be friends in the Northern Hemisphere? Is that why you had to go over there? Yeah, well, for more references and cartoon references, like She-Ra and Opposite World, like I get in there and everything's flipped around. Oh, right.

And we, mate, yeah, that's exactly right. We did, we holidayed. It was, didn't go to one stand-up gig, which is kind of somewhat refreshing. Excellent. Yeah, somewhat refreshing. We actually had a really weird story in Vegas, but I guess that already gives it context, doesn't it?

Yeah. We were out there one night and people were like, oh, you should go to this nightclub. And there's nothing else to really do in Vegas anyway. You're like, oh, maybe we could just hang out in a bar. No, you gamble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. What was the nightclub?

I think it was Chandelier was its name. Oh, yeah. Sounds top notch. Yeah. Are you only allowed to go to nightclubs that are named after songs that they're playing a lot on the radio station that you work at? Yeah, that's it. Chandelier.

Can you say auto-tune? And it's that very American thing where they're just like, man, you've got to have more girls than guys. You've got to make sure you get in there and do all this. And I was like, oh, right. I didn't really want to get in there, but we're in line. You dressed Little Up in a blonde wig, Bugs Bunny style, so you got in.

Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, he was a cheek. I wasn't. Got your iPod out, started playing episodes of this podcast with Dasslo's voice. It sounded like. Oh, yeah, you've got a little robot girl with you, yes? In you come. Yeah, go for it.

And we were there and then I was dancing like just, I was just acting the goat basically and then the bouncers just saw me. He's like, right, who are you with? I'm like, oh, this group. No, you're not getting in those shoes. You're not getting in, you haven't got a collar on. I'm like, well, no one around here's got a collar. He's like, no, it's just not happening. And I was pissed and I just lost it. I was like, right, fuck not getting you haven't got a collar on i'm like well no one or any he's got a collar he's like no it's just not happening and i was pissed and i just lost it

i was like why the fuck i don't give a i don't give a fuck i'm like just like stormed out i'm like get me out of the line i don't even want to go and he goes like you want to go on the best nightclub in vegas and i'm like no i fucking don't and like 10 meters away like what are we gonna do now guys and we all looked at each other and we were there with a friend of ours kush it was tommy kush himself we looked at each other all right let's with a friend of ours, Kush. It was Tommy Kush himself and we looked at each other and said, oh, let's just go to the strippers.

We're in Vegas. Yeah. Sapphire Room or to Rhino? Well, this is Crazy Horse is the case may be. Oh,

crazy. Yeah, all right. So we get there and we walk in. They're big, aren't they? They're enormous

they're the strip clubs. Huge, huge strip clubs. Great attitude though. Hard workers. Quick hands. Very fast. You're noticing all the wrong things about a strip club in my opinion. huge strip clubs great attitude though hard workers quick hands very fast you're noticing all the

wrong things about a strip club in my opinion yeah their hands the ethics of them all fast hands oh sorry why is the artful dodger at the strip joint

this guy's quick well there are they've got the biggest strip clubs in the world in Vegas they're enormous so the girls have to work super super hard mate they were on to us and we were doing that real thing like you know when you've got a bar strip clubs in the world in Vegas. They're enormous. So the girls have to work super, super hard.

Mate, they were on to us and we were doing that real thing. Like, you know when you've got a bar to like in Bali and it's like Australians don't know how to do it? You know, we just go, oh, I suppose here's 200 bucks. Like, we just don't know. And they were like that. These girls were like, oh, what are you three doing? Oh, okay, we'll give you a private dance to do this.

And we're like, oh, I suppose. Like, we didn't, we'd just gotten in and they dragged us off. But the one the one who's dancing in front of me just goes oh oh god

I gotta go to the bathroom and I'm like okay alright come with me I'm like what are you doing we get to the bathroom she literally goes

in the bathroom and I just stood out the front like a naughty school boy she did her business comes back and goes right where were we I'm like this is

this is the grossest. Did you have to pay her more for that? I'm like, is this on the clock? What is this about? The worst thing is you allowed yourself to be treated that way. It's so weird when you're in that situation and a girl, you get this like alpha female. When you're in that situation, you are all beta males.

They're these enormous... Look, skinny Aussie man. You know what? I'm going to take a piss. You're going to listen to it and you're going to pay for it. Absolutely. Pissing USA. USA.

I'm so sorry. Man, you're exactly right. They come down, these alpha, like these fucking alien monsters, just these enormous superpower women who just destroy. You know, that's all the girls listen to the podcast. Oh, no, I'm very well acquainted with the stripper world and I've got lots of friends who work in Vegas. And it's a bizarre thing.

In America, the strip licenses are all just totally different. The kind of things that are permitted there are... I was meant to go there with a friend of mine to one of the clubs, but we never made it because we ended up going to some weird Cirque du Soleil party that dragged on way, way too long. These boring people with their clothes on. I know. I know.

But I really wanted to go to the downtown club. None of them did a piece. Boring. Did you go downtown when you were there or did you stay uptown? In Vegas. Do you mean downtown, the old strip? Downtown is the dirty old strip. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, that was great.

The dirty old strip was fantastic. Yeah, have you guys been? No, we didn't go downtown. We stayed uptown. I think I've been there three or four times. Really? Yeah. Oh, mate.

I don't really know why. Because it's just that thing of like I've just done the same as you, you know, LA, New York, Vegas, and you're like, oh, okay, is that what you do? Okay, I'm going there. Yeah. I was there auditioning for a show and meeting a production company. In Vegas? Yeah, that were running a couple of shows.

One that has just closed, that was running at a loss of like $1.6 million a month, like just the most astonishing levels of loss. What was the show? It was a show called Vegas Nocturnes in the cosmopolitan um that a whole bunch of my friends were in but i was there chatting and meeting with some people from a production company that run a lot of things there and so i went to see this show and had a look at the role that i might fulfill when the lead is out and the jokes were just like hey so you got that big black guy dick sitting next to your gay friend with your chingy chong chinese fucker do your nails vietnamese look at these republicans

here yeah you faggot democrat i was just there going this is just i just don't have the relic i'm australian but i don't have the racism to power this vehicle it was just like a barrage and the americans were loving it. Those things of being employed by a Vegas show fascinates me, where you do it for years and you just live in Vegas. You just live in the hotel that you're doing the show in every night. It's the only place in the world where the audience comes to you. You don't need to tour your show.

There is a turnover of people there that is just astronomical. And if you hit out with a show i went and saw cirque de soleil's oh at the bellagio and it was one of the most astonishing things i've ever seen in my life like it was just phenomenal to watch and there's it's just the weirdest weirdest place and the population is mainly showbiz people yeah yeah i mean when we were there there was a story of that, of like, you know, Britney's now in Vegas doing her thing. Oh, yeah.

She's done. And she just drives back to LA every night. She just doesn't, like, they just take her back. Oh, really? Yeah. And supposedly she does just get to that final night, goes, ah, and then just rips off the wig, walks off stage. Wow.

Gets in the car, home, gas on. Because, yeah, I love that like if you lived in LA like for stand-up you know stand-ups commute and we'll go and do a weekend of gigs in Vegas and that seems crazy to me to be able to just pop in and do a weekend of gigs there seems like yeah obviously from being over the other side of the world but yeah yeah it's a weird joint there's a weird place someone told me like this one I stopped like a do you in las vegas and so there's more hotel rooms there than in all of europe wow really right i'll believe it i usually when i'm dressed in my suit and so i was out

dressed in my suit i've never been asked where the bathroom is more in my life i got to the point where people started approaching me and i was like, I don't know where the bathroom is. I don't know. That's great. Six times. Six times I got asked where the bathroom is over a couple of nights. Yeah, I'll tell you where the bathroom is. Money makes America work. The service there is so, like when I was in New York,

the service in New York, I felt like people were in love with me. I started coming on to every waitress that asked me, you know, anything about what I wanted to eat because everyone is just so – I was like, are we in love? Do you love me? Because I feel like you love me because you're being – you're nicer to me than my mum.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're exactly right. Way nice. But then there's the other end of the scale Where you know When you turn up to somewhere To get a coffee

And there's someone Who just doesn't give a fuck Yeah Like it's It's so diametrically opposed To someone that's just like Oh please kill me Like

They're just like a caged hen Oh I did that Because I just came back from Thailand And then Like had this You know Every meal was just an absolute delight And everyone you dealt with

Was the nicest people of all time and you tip everyone, you're giving people tips going, ah, probably just paid for a family, you know, afford to eat for the next week, haven't I? Because I just tipped you two bucks, I'm a great guy, you know, I'm making a difference in you. And then you get to the airport of KL and had one meal and it almost felt like it wrecked my entire holiday.

The meal was so bad we sat there and and the worst customer service of all time we got these horrible meals that my mum and dad's meal was inedible i ordered a baguette or something they literally brought me out two pieces of toast with chicken loaf oh great the safeway deli put in there yeah that was it and i said no tomato they put extra tomato in I think they just took that as a dare and put extra tomato in. No, it's come through and the chef's like, who doesn't like tomato? This is a con.

That was a sarcastic one. That was a sarcastic one. No means yes. No means yes. Come on. So the wife just walks past and I open up the sandwich and go, hey, and point at the tomato. And she goes, huh, and walks away.

Yeah, yeah. And then I go back. I have to take back my mum and dad's order. It's stone cold. It's horrific. And I take it back. And she just goes, oh, God. And I'm like, don't, oh, God, me.

This is all your fault. And so she goes up and you just see her actually throw it in the microwave. And I go, we're not having it i'm not eating it i have to say though if i worked in an airport restaurant i think my attitude would be exactly the same yeah just be like fuck you you're here you've got no other options just eat your tomato toast and shut up yeah yeah it's such a shame you just to come from that place of that to that place of we don't give a fuck yeah where else you're gonna eat you're in

the airport yeah all airports are like that though just you're just gonna cop it because you've got no other option mate what are you gonna do about it i'm sitting there going i'm gonna write such a savage email to this cafe i'm gonna get on'm going to get on Yelp and I am going to ruin your business! World Trip Advisor. I'm going to give photographic evidence of why this is the worst restaurant that you may or may not eat in in Kuala Lumpur Airport. The opposite

of that is going... I did that. I looked at the restaurant and went, I'm going to take a picture and I looked at it and went, this looks like the shittest restaurant of all time. No one's going to see my review and go, oh, maybe we won't go in there. No one's going in there anyway. You're the only people in the restaurant anyway. Yeah. You've been the old guy in the mud hut who's sitting here getting up on paper plates.

Oh, yeah, okay. I'll give it a wide berth. Yeah, you go outside and it's like, of course, there's a reason why there's 40 people lining up for Burger King. Yeah. It's like, of course, there's a reason why there's 40 people lining up for Burger King. Yeah. And then you know it's bad because you can see the pilots going to get the fuel for the airplane from the kitchen of this restaurant. That doesn't seem right.

Malaysian airline pilots ate here. Oh, right. Do you remember the time we were at Sydney Airport together and we just, I'd never seen this before, when they said, we're about to shut down this Hungry Jacks and do it up. You guys can have the entire contents of the deep fry. What? It was like the last flight out of Sydney. What was it for?

I can't remember what that was for, but yeah, they were closing and going, we're not opening for a month. You can have the last everything that's here in a Burger King for a month. If we were at school and you told that story, you would be the last everything that's here in a Burger King for a month. If we were at school and you told that story, you would be the subject of a lot of speculation about, oh, that Chandler kid, he tells lies.

He reckons he went into the Hungry Jacks and they just gave him everything in the deep fryer. I heard he reached in with his hands into the hot deep fryer and started just flicking nuggets into his open mouth. Yeah, and there's one called the Chandler Burger there now because I ate so many of them. I ate 20 burgers and it's called Hungry Carl's now. If you go to Sydney, if you go to Sydney, it's called Hungry Carl's.

And in America, it's King Carl. Where is it? Oh, you wouldn't find it. Have I told those stories? I'm sure I probably have told those stories. You know, because everyone would have that kid that you grew up with. The liar. Those crazy liars.

The obvious liar and then the potential liar where you were never quite sure and then you found out down the road that it was all true. Yeah, I never had the actual all true one. Oh, really? Okay. Have I ever told those stories? I don't know. There's a guy in our school that uh would just do that that desperate lie just to be friends with

people and uh he would bring stolen goods to school as well like really obviously stolen but do you want a bike because i just found this 10 speed bike at the front of my house like really because i'm six and i believe that because you know whatever i watch cartoons that might have happened and and you want to believe that yeah you're Whatever I watch cartoons That might have happened And you want to believe that Yeah You know you're six You're like I do want a food bike

But then you bring it back To your mum and dad And they're like That's a hot bike And an adult sized bike That you can't fit on You're that kid Like with your balls

On the crossbar Just like stretching To reach the pedals Just going I'm the king of the castle I'm a big boy And years later Years later

I found this kid's dad In one of Chopper's books. I'm like, all right, all those things check out now. That makes a lot of sense. I had a 16-year-old kid steal my car from Brunswick in the midst of a stealing rampage. They stole 21 cars and got chased by the cops. So you're in the top 21 cars. That's pretty sweet.

Absolutely. Oh, well, for those listening out there, the Apollo 93 or Camry 92, the most stolen car in Australia, can be stolen with the end of a spoon. And so literally and actually true. Is that on the ads? Yeah, the police call me and they say...

That's very convenient for junkies when you think about it. If you shoot up and steal a car, you just need the one utensil. You've just got to have... The problem is you need strong and steady hands and that can be hard after a really hot shot. You just get the shakes. How to turn a spoon into a Swiss army knife.

Absolutely. So two junkies is going... But the police call me and they say, we've caught the kid, we've found your car. Do you want to come and have a... We're having an intervention with the kid and all of the victims of his robbery so we can sit in a round circle with the kid and his dad and lay into the 16-year-old kid

about stealing cars and doing ice. They did all this ice in the car. Can we get a book for that? Can we go along? Mate, that's my help. Yeah, 21 people. That's better than most festival shows. I was going to say, yeah.

Guys, I've got judges in tonight, so if we can make sure the kid cries, that'd be really good for me. No, actual judges, like my court cases next week. The cops have to be there, though. They can put a dampener on things. And some priests and some other weird people and a lawyer. And the dad, which is like,

I didn't raise my kid to do this kind of stuff, you know. Like, I raised him as a girl. Like, I had a lot of trouble with the law when I was growing up. I still have a fair bit of trouble with the law at the moment. He sort of painted this picture like, I'm an ideal dad. Okay. The kid, piece of shit. Okay.

He's a rotten piece of shit. This guy, I'm amazing. I mean, I used to have, I'm still in a lot of trouble. Basically, our family's always been in trouble with the law. And this kid's just carrying on the torch. I should be praising the kid. He's doing a great job. I'm proud of him. he's in the orange jumpsuit and his ankles are chained up absolutely okay i got into some trouble when i was younger oh man well this kid i don't know

if i've talked about this i'll do it very quickly just in case people have heard this but he had some awesome stories and it was um he had he had one of the stories was he walked out the bush he said oh on the weekend i walked out the bush and I went in this cave and the wall turned around and I walked through the cave and there was a ghost town. I found a ghost town and I was walking around the ghost town and it was like all this cowboy stuff going on. Classic ghost town.

I was like, awesome, can we go there? He's like, oh, I can't remember which cave it was. I'm like, that's a genuine shame because that sounds amazing. You guys aren't cool enough. You'll embarrass me in front of my ghost friends, my cowboy ghost friends. You'll embarrass me in front of Wyatt Earp, so I can't bring you there.

That actually sounds a bit like, I know this is almost like a hackneyed comedian thing, but that sounds like, Jesus, yeah, I wish I could tell you where I died in the rock. You wouldn't find it. You wouldn't find it, guys. He also, the other one was he had a motorbike at his house and his grandma came.

His dad had a motorbike and he bought a new Harley and his grandma came along and went, can I have a go? And my dad said, no. And she goes, too bad, I'm going to do it anyway and just revved the rev thing and then it took off. It took off with her attached. So there's a grandma vertically flying behind the motorbike, and it was like driving down.

She's giving the finger to the dad. Tell me what I can do. I made you, dickhead. So it was driving through Maribor with just this 80-year-old woman flapping along in the breeze, and then it collected another grandpa dude. So there's two people hanging off the back of this Harley motorbike just aimlessly driving around Maribor.

Just at the end of a cul-de-sac doing 90 miles an hour round and round. And what was your response to that? Oh, I wish I'd seen that. Yeah, what age are you? Are you immediately doubting it or is there a degree of belief? Are you young enough to buy into it a little bit? Yeah, I think there's a little bit. I think there was a bit of, oh, this is bullshit but hang on, what if it's true?

Yeah, that age where you don't know and you want to believe that stuff like that can happen in the world. Yeah, what if I better stick with this guy in case, you know, an elephant comes along and he starts riding it or, you know, whatever. Yeah, because you go, how sad if I go through all this shit with school that I don't enjoy and then I get to the end and I've graduated into a world

where stuff like that doesn't happen. How dull is that? You know what else? You know what was the absolute worst thing? Out of all these exaggerated stories, which included his dad going fishing and throwing dynamite into the lake and blowing up all the fish and them all landing in his boat, which happened.

Yeah. You have told this on the show, but a long, long time ago. That granny thing sounds familiar, but keep going. It's fine. But the worst thing was, the worst thing out of all those lies was, he once told me, because you know that great thing of you go up the bush and there's like pornos and comics and whatever. You know, that's, you know.

Oh, a bit of bush porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great to find. People hide pornos up the bush. No, no, no. I know exactly what you're talking about. It just dawned on me that is a bygone era. Yeah, not anymore. I found exactly what you're talking about. It just dawned on me that is a bygone era. Not anymore.

I found porn buried behind my house once, but it was unfortunately near a nest of very dangerous looking spiders. So it was double exciting. Is your wanking that close to spiders? I have a deep fear of spiders and a really intense obsession with pornography. So the two were just trying to dig this out of the clay.

So you've got a daddy long legs and next to that you've got a mummy long boobs. Yeah. Bang! I've clocked it, everyone. That does sound like Dr Xavier's School for the Talented. Like, which will they take, the poor little spiders? Let's see if he passes.

Can I get past my deep fear of arachnids to get to this sweet pornography, which is useless to me because I'm six years old. Yeah, you're on a new hidden camera show, spiders or porn. The ultimate test. Whether I get bit by the spiders or I reach the porn, something's swelling up. So this is what he did The worst thing about all that

We're not done How dare you It's Grumpy And his brand new show Something's swelling up It's our version Of the secret sound People call in

And we play them a noise What is this That's swelling up What part of Grumpy's body Is swelling up right now Is that a cyst? Sorry, Gavin from Greensboro, we're going to have to move on. I'll give you a hint.

I haven't had a lot of seafood in a while. Oh, it's definitely goiter. He's got an iodine deficiency. Come on. So he, the betrayal, the thing that I actually fell for, he was like, come up the bush. I've got this hidden little cub uh cubby hut right full of full of mad magazines and i'm like obsessed with mad magazines i'm like i want to believe that

great so i go up there cracked magazines oh not even mad magazine that's brutal yeah yeah deception runs so deep yeah we had a kid i wouldn't have been disappointed with the ghost town because you go it's always part of me inside knew that wasn't going to happen. But to get me up the bush for crack magazine. It's always the kids who look really damaged but tell you that nothing's going on who always have the most insane stories that you never fucking hear. My best kid story, I mean, the horse in the house was one. That was a great – we flooded that house as well with the lawnmower.

Oh, so it was a seahorse. We used to have a... You both had a go at one? Yeah. My dad got paid with sheep once for a taxi fare. And so he brings home... He brings home this ram in the boot of the car, this Merino ram.

It's like, you know, this teenage ram that's had its balls cut, but it's still pretty angry. And he thinks, this is great. We'll take the ram. We'll put it on 15 metres of chain. We'll attach that chain to a star picket. It's going to do the lawn. Don't have to do the lawn.

Now, the ram becomes more and more hateful. Inspired by the work of Fred Flintstone. Yo, mate, this is how Conan the Barbarian started. It became so hateful. It would get tied up and you'd have to go out and try and get it from, you know, like obviously being attached to 14 metres of chain and stuck in the ground would make any animal unhappy. And so you would have to stay out.

It was a circle of hate. It was basically this 14-metre circle of hate that you'd have to stay out of because if it hit you, it'd knock you about four metres. It'd fuck you up. Anyway, we wake up one morning at 4am to the sound of just, it sounded like someone firing a cannon Into the house The sheep has gotten loose

And is charging The front door Which is wedged shut on this weird house We lived in in the middle of a sugar cane plantation In the middle of northern New South Wales It smashes the front door Of the house in And proceeds to run through the

house. What's so good about your house that animals are just busting it? I don't know. This was, the horse was just ambling through. It was just curious George in horse form. This was a frenzied Merino ram. Dad, what have I told you about that honeypot? Why do we have to have this sugar cube centerpiece all the time on our davies?

Stop leaving delicious feed bundles in between the walls. What did you do, just ride the horse to safety? No, we had to beat the sheep with pieces of 4B2 on the head until it calmed down. Slash died? No, you could really go to town I'm giving away too much Anyway, we got the sheep out of the house After it had basically destroyed most of our fucking house

In this hate-filled rampage And that would have made a great story But I was far too embarrassed and terrified to tell the kids at school That a sheep had destroyed our house We should take a quick break now to do an ad for our newest sponsor. The RSPCA do remarkable work with animals of all shapes and sizes and colours. Yeah, that's really full on. It wasn't me, it was my parents.

Just let me say that. It was my dad. He thought it was a good idea to tether that sheep on 14 metres of chain for seven years. You're covering yourself in case you... Seven years, okay. You're covering yourself in case you... Seven years, okay. You're covering yourself in case you get sued by that sheep. I was only nine years old.

I had no idea. I just did what I was told. I love it because it's not even a story that slowly escalates. It literally begins with a sheep having its balls cut off and then stuffed in the boot of a taxi. No, but then also... Even just that, if that was the story... But who travels with an animal in the boot?

Mate, let's go before that where it's like, do you take plastic? No. Yeah. I've got a ram. I've got a neutered ram, if you want that. Do we have to go home to get it? No, it's in the boot. Yeah, that is.

What? So I've got to pay for that E-tag, do I? Oh, fuck. I've got a ram. I was going to give you a sheep. Here's another lamb. There's nothing more disappointing. I'll tip for our live shows coming up.

If you can't afford a ticket, bring us a ram and we'll let you in free. Bring us wild life. Just bring us wild stock. Anything. You know, Nick Cody takes a budgie or two. He loves a cheeky budgie. A handful of parrots will work for him. Excellent.

Dasolo likes. What are those type of, they're called a cerillo or something like that. Those armoured anteaters that go on two legs. Oh, yeah. Yep. I'll have one of them. If you've got one of them lying around. Yeah, I'll have to look up the monetary value of it, but sure.

Happy to accept that. Going back to Thailand very quickly. My parents have just been in Thailand and I picked them up from the airport. And where did they go in Thailand? Did you find out? They did tell me, but I can't. It was somewhere that I had never heard of. I can't remember the name.

They were in Phuket for a little bit and then they went to like a more remote Koh Tat. Koh Tat, yeah. Sounds real. Little island. And so dad comes back and he goes, oh, we got you some presents. And he goes, oh, and I've got you something bloody hilarious for the podcast. Oh, I've got you this special thing that is going to be so funny for the podcast. Right.

Copy Fast and the Furious 6? Yes. So he tells me that he was looking in a shop and he found a pair of Calvin Klein underpants and he's looking at the label. And on the label it says, For Care, but For Care is just one word. So he's looking at it and he goes,

For Care, one word. What's that? It's like foreplay or something, isn't it? So then he goes underneath and he goes and i'm looking at the the care instructions for them and the cleaning instructions and all that and and where they're putting uh you know wash in cold water under that they've put fumble dry can you imagine that fumble dry so then we get to the house and he's given me this pair of calvin klein underpants he goes there you go. So you can talk about them

on the podcast. And here they are. Here's the tag. And see, look at that right there. Fumble dry. So that was Dad's big contribution to the podcast. A round of applause for Dad. That was great stuff. And you haven't even brought them in. No. Are you wearing them? Maybe that's why the story didn't go better.

I've got them on. Because that is, of all the misspellings and stuff in Thailand, that's one of the more tame ones. That's one of the less interesting ones. And also the idea that the joke's ruined without me having a pair of these underpants. And also, yeah, English is their second language, Dad. Oh, you know what? They don't even use English characters.

Give them a break, Dad. Just back off, okay? All right? You got those pants for cheap. They are cheaper. Who cares if they say fumble drag? Yeah. Give them a break.

Because obviously I love going there. I've been there four times now. I genuinely watch. What do you love the most about going there? I don't know. The airport food. I don't know. I think it's just a holiday. you can't do anything else but holiday.

Because, you know, if you go to, I've been to like America four times and it's like there's always stuff to see and whatever. But there it's like there's nothing to do. So you just have to do nothing. So I watch, because I love it so much, I genuinely watch the show on ABC2 now, Lady Boys, just for the scenery. Oh, yeah. So there's all the Lady Boy stuff going on.

I'm like, just move out of the way if I can just see around where you scenery. Oh, yeah. So there's all the ladyboy stuff going on. Just move out of the way if I can just see around where you sit. Oh, yeah, I think I went to that restaurant once. So it's – all right, this story hasn't made me sound like the person I wanted to sound like. I can't believe you thought you were going to get away with this. I'm a Rainbow Nation dude. It's very cultural. I like going to ladyboy bars.

You have to be very confident. My only advice to any gentleman looking to have sex with people over there is just Adam's apples and feet. You really need to watch. No, just to be sure that you're having sex with the gender that you thought you're having sex with. Adam's apples and feet because some of the work is sensational. She's got a really big one.

She's stacked. It's great. Yeah, it's hard to trim the Adam's apple and it's very hard to smallen the feet. If it's a stripper, when they take a piss in the middle of the strip show, you just watch what bathroom they go into. Exactly.

No, no, you listen to the stream intensity because you know a guy can't piss with the stream intensity that a woman can. Wait a minute, sweetheart. More than three shakes, you're a wanker. Wait a minute. More than three shakes, you're a bloke oh yeah i'm three shakes of your penis and you're a bloke i remember being there and it was like uh yeah went down to phuket of course i go let's go down with like the bars where the lady boys are

and you had a look and mate that i was touring with his was a good looking rooster who still is and then he uh was sitting there lady boy sat next to him hello and he's like no i got a girlfriend puts a hand on the thigh no no no puts a hand on his shoulder no thank you and then she just goes crack it was like a kidney punch just like a quick kidney punch and he just went like after he knocked her back the third time and it was like it was just funny watching Lady Lady smack boy and you're like the whole quota was there next to you he's like

Lady Boy's gone Lady Lady and then gone that masculine thing of I got knocked back you fucking arsehole bang that's exactly

and look he's there kind of going you know as every dude does like I can't hit her yeah

can I yeah and he was just bewildered I would like to. Yahoo answers. Can I punch a lady boy? Is that PC?

Fuck the one. He's terrible. This is taking forever. My advice on hitting anyone in Thailand would be a solid no. I have seen Thai people turn so rapidly into the most ferocious. Remember, they love a little bit of Muay Thai. And by that I mean they love a lot of Muay Thai all of the fucking time. So even the smallest, most wiry, miniature tuk-tuk driver

who you may accidentally tell to fuck off because a few people have asked you for a tuk-tuk, I'll boo-hoo, I'm a frang with heaps of money. You just be nice and polite. Because that kidney punch, that's just the tip of the iceberg. The ass-kicking fucking mayhem that those ladyboys would unleash on you if you stood up and went, you fucking boofed up. You'd just be surrounded by suddenly just...

What about a merino that's broken into your bungalow? How would you advise taking care of that? You need to get yourself a piece of 4x2. Quick smart. Don't go in with a fist. That's a nightmare. You can work the flank on a sheep for up to 25 minutes and they'll feel absolutely nothing, just nibbling away at grass.

So I went over there with my parents a couple of weeks ago, came back and it's that funny thing I found of my dad being sort of petrified of it the whole time, my mum being very relaxed about it, my dad going, everything we ever did was like, oh, what's this going to be? And, you know, as soon as we get into taxi, he'd be like, we're going to our death now, this gonna be so every day it'd just be me laughing and sort of going just relax like you know yesterday that was the best day of your life

today it's happening again here it is you're in the pool you're on the beach you're eating beautiful food you're drinking beers for a dollar look at this awesome and so the whole time was like we get back off the plane we finish the trip and go, you happy now, Dad? Is that all right? Anyway, he went home, got dengue fever. No shit. When did he go home? Oh, my God. I've heard it mentioned. You don't know what it is.

I was responsible for that. I'm the good son. I've got him critically ill. So this guy, hey, don't say little Carl doesn't do anything for you, Dad. What is dengue fever? It sounds like something

you get in the ball war. Yeah. What is it? He's just sounds like something you get in the ball war. Yeah. It's, it's, well, what it is, he's just got a rash all over his body. He's got,

he's hot and cold. He's just going through a big fever. He's nauseous all the time without vomiting or anything like that. But see, that's how I feel

hanging out with you. So is that not just a result of the holiday? It could have just gone to one of your comedy shows. Yeah. I feel like I'm reading one of those Mad magazines up the back of the bush now.

I second you on Thailand. I love Thailand. My favourite thing to do is just to get out, eat street food. Just know that you are going to be shitting liquid a lot. Just own it. You're going to be... It liquid a lot. Just own it. You're going to be – it's a lot of chilly pain.

Just get in the zone. Just get on board and get into it. Yeah, you plan your trip. I mean, me and my girlfriend last year got food poisoning the day before we were getting a boat over to an island. So we had a whole day in bed. We were fucked. And then the next day, still a bit shaky, but the next day was the boat trip and we were going,

if the boat had been yesterday, we just wouldn't have been able to go or it would have been the worst day of our whole life. Do you know what I mean? So you go adventurous when you know you've got those couple of days. Yeah, yeah. And then when we were on the island, we were a lot more tame and then at the end you just go, ah, well, fuck it.

But lucky dipping it is my favourite thing. Go to a restaurant, you just point at a thing, I'll have that. I'll have that thing. And I've had some weird things. This is a bit from a show but I – Sir, that's a doorstop. Fuck off. Fuck off, mate.

I remember getting like a bowl of what I thought were calamari rings which I ate about half of the bowl of them. They were like fried and then I noticed one had bristles around the inside and I'm pretty sure that I'd been eating like pig anuses or something. Like snap fried anuses. Yeah, those places where you go where they're just carving up every single bit of the body and you go, there's no need for this. Well, here's the thing.

So on the way back, what happened was I got the dream on the way back on the plane. I got the dream. We get on the plane at midnight. The whole plane's full. My mum and dad get sat on an aisle, a two-seater, and I get sat opposite them in the middle aisle. And you've got the whole bit to yourself? I got the entire row to myself.

In a full plane, I got the entire row to myself. And I was looking around going, is this going to happen? I make sure I'm one of the last people on the plane. So I walk in. There's no one coming in. I've got this row to myself, and I'm watching everyone else on the plane look at my row going, how's this going to work? How quickly can we jump into that thing?

So before anything happens, I just go, fuck, what am I going to do? All right. And I just take the seatbelt off and I lie across the row. Yeah. Right at the same time that another guy whips in and tries to do the same thing. Oh, really? Yeah. So then there's five seats.

So I whip up the seats of three of them and he whips up the seat of the other one and it's like okay so i've got three and you've got two oh so it's an aisle no one wins though it's five right yeah so no so he's really sort of a bit squished up i'm a i'm a little bit squished up and what happens is i lie down and i put my feet against the uh the the barrier between the two of us and so does he and he puts his feet under it and so I'm lying there and he's got his toes on my toes and I've taken

my shoes off and so has he so we're both pretending we're not doing this footsie thing and the whole time he's got my toes and I'll like vaguely sort of give a bit of a kick as if I'm asleep just sort of waking up going and then he'll do the same thing to me so the whole time I'm just got my toes in this stranger's toes going, oh, now I can't get to sleep.

I've just wrecked the whole. Oh, I love it. A couple of just. And your eyes are just this wide. The moment those toes touch you, they're just going, you know, the simple thing would just be to, as an adult, say, can you take your feet off my feet and put them on the other side? But I'm just going to sit here and just hope by looking at you like this that this

is going to work out my way. Two passive-aggressive children just up against an equal opposing force. Yes. Oh, it's perfect. The worst thing I saw on my flight back from Perth the other night And I couldn't get to sleep for hours. Couldn't get to sleep for hours. Bulkhead exit row. I had a sleeping pill

and I couldn't get to sleep. An elderly woman about 55, 60 with her feet up against the wall. Get that bulkhead exit row. I had a sleeping pill and I couldn't get to sleep. An elderly woman about 55, 60 with her feet up against the wall yet that bulkhead exit row is a little bit of space. There's nowhere for people to walk through the crew galley to go to the toilet

so they have to kind of walk through our extra foot space. She refuses to take her feet down. So she puts her feet up and she's almost uncomfortable doing it

because she's got such stumpy little shithead legs. She's got her shitty little weird goat hooves pressed up. There's kids coming through and she's just looking at them and not moving her feet and they're stepping over them. And this is, for them, this is age. This is a woman in her 60s who won't put her feet down for two seconds so people can walk past.

Plain rules, different rules. Yeah, I've got to say, I'm looking forward to hitting that age and just going, fuck everyone. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I just want what I want to be perfect all the time. Yeah, but that just quickly dovetails into you being that person on the Central Coast train yelling about gooks and racist fucking outrage. That very quickly just goes to that.

If that's the cost of comfort, then I'll wear it. Fine. I don't mind. You've got to make sacrifices. You've got to make YouTube. So you're just going to get those things. Before we wrap up very quickly, I should follow up on something that's come through this week. Now, you guys might not be familiar with this, but a couple of weeks ago, we were hit up

by a guy who wanted us to go and perform at his brother's upcoming Bucks party. And so we were debating... Nothing better than a night on the town with some strippers and some podcasters. So we were debating whether or not we should do this and we sort of said, well, this has come through

the best man, so the groom's brother. And we sort of went, well, we want to hear from the groom. Does he even really want this? Do his friends want this? If he makes contact and he hits us up and, you know, it sounds like a thing that everyone at the thing will be into, then we'll think about it.

So an email has come through this week from the groom, Robert Bolton, subject bucks. Hi, Tommy. I only just listened to the podcast on the way to work from the groom, Robert Bolton. Subject, Bucks. Hi, Tommy. I only just listened to the podcast on the way to work and heard that Wall had contacted you in regards to possibly bringing the podcast to my Bucks party. Wally. I'm not sure.

It's going well already. It's a nice tone of this email. I'm not sure how much detail he gave you, but the Bucks party will be held in Toowoomba, Queensland. Pack the car, kids. We're going to the Woomba. That's where my ex-girlfriend lives. Yeah, cool. It's a double win.

I agree with Carl's and your doubts in regard to how it might work performing a podcast at a private party in front of a group of people who've never heard the podcast. However, it may be viable to run the show at a local pub where other listeners from Toowoomba and Brisbane might want to turn up. If you are still possibly interested in the gig, let me know and we can look into it further.

Sincerely, Robert Bolton. P.S. As I'm sure you're aware, as are all other comedians, that Toowoomba's Carnival of Flowers will be running that weekend. Thrilling stuff. Oh, my God. Well, I think he's made a decision for you. So Robbie Bolton, so now

the question is are there any of our listeners near Toowoomba or who could get to Toowoomba that if we do a live Bucks Party podcast there, would people come? And maybe this is a thing where we need to, I mean we're not we're not paying

out of our own pockets to do this so i don't know how we i don't know how we handle the finances of this maybe we i don't know what are you guys doing just jumping in the dum-dum mobile and up north what uh is the dum-dum mobile a smart car with one of your faces on each side of the doors and i mean how are you going to shift all this kit? I mean, we're in the studio here and there is a lot of tech gear. There's the engineers over there as well. How are you doing, Alan? Don't tell me you're comedians with your names on the side of a car. That'd be weird.

Yeah, like the real cool successful ones. So let's put the call out. If you're in Toowoomba or you're near Toowoomba and you'd come to us doing a thing. If there's the demand, I think we should do it. Doesn't Luke McGregor's brother live there? Maybe, yeah. I think so because that's... That's a long boat of drool.

That is a long boat of drool. Also, there's one guest. Yeah, that's great. We haven't got Luke McGregor but we've got his brother. Doesn't Brendan Byrne's vet's friend live nearby there? I feel like, too, this is one of those weird, you know, like when the Harlem Globetrotters went to Gilligan's Island. It's like the dum-dums go to Toowoomba.

Acts of life down under. It's happy day. There's probably some championship flower grower or something that's going to be in town for the flower show that we can have on as a guest. Bart Freeband's from there originally, so he might have family. Don Burke might be there. Yeah, Bart might have family that we can stay with. Literally, this is a thing that I've talked about on the show before,

but the ex-girlfriend I had that broke my heart, she lives in Toowoomba and I've never spoken to her or seen her since. Can I just say that this is… What if she's the bride? What if she's getting married to this dude? Oh, my God. Robbie, send us your fiancé's name, and if it's Chandler's ex, then we'll definitely come.

And if she's a hottie, we'll put her next to a spider den. What's swollen? All right, so, yeah. Mate, this is honestly, this is like a very weird kind of Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson movie. Like you're just travelling there Oh my god, it's the girl that broke my heart. What are your thoughts?

Because this is making me think it's more worth doing. If we could cover it, if we could cover the finances of it. What's the population of Toowoomba? I mean, what are the chances that she's a peripheral friend and she might be at the ceremony? She? What's the population of Toowoomba? I mean, what are the chances that she's a peripheral friend and she might be at the ceremony? She might be at the Bucks party. And, you know, if there's a podcast in town,

what else is better to do in Toowoomba than go to that? Yeah. How far out of Brisbane is Toowoomba? The flower show. I think it's an hour. Oh, yeah. So, you know, we had enough people turn up to the Brisbane podcast. People could road trip out to Toowoomba.

Yeah. But how good... Yes, we fly into Brisbane enough people turn up to the Brisbane podcast. People could road trip out to Toowoomba. Yeah. But how good... Yes, we fly into Brisbane and then a listener of the show drives us up to Toowoomba. We stay with Luke McGregor's brother. It's all falling into place. We get some food stamps. We get people to donate canned food to the show.

Oh, Bart Freebarn's family will just hand over lizard skin rainbow soup. They'll feed you And if you're into You know The encouragement To come to the live show is Because you can't hear boobs On the podcast Yes

If you're not into that thing You can stay at home He hasn't told us We still don't have Any kind of date For this thing I don't think Did we talk in the last

Was there any kind of No there was no date Let me just google The Toowoomba flower show Oh yeah Because that's on at the same time I don't think. Did we talk in the last? No, there was no date. Let me just Google the Toowoomba Flower Show. Oh, yeah. Because that's on at the same time. I don't. But how good are you guys at doing a podcast and just dealing with this in the background?

Yeah! Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! Because that is going to be the entirety of your show. You talking, pontuated by yes, and guys grabbing the mic and telling you what a great car but what I love what I love

about his suggestion is that it then turns into half bucks night and then we're just opening it to the public so it's half punters and then half bucks party which I

think will you know hopefully sort of you know maybe you guys will become the Louis Theroux's of bucks parties just dismantling the mystical world of men getting hammered

and going to German Steinbar restaurants. Maybe we do two shows. We do like a three o'clock. Yes. And then we see what happens by the ten o'clock show. Yeah, there you go. So Robbie and his mates that want to come can come to the normal one. Right.

And then we'll just get pissed at them. We'll just hang out at the Bucks. And then you've got to do a morning after. You have to do a morning after. Yeah, he can just pay us. We'll just be at the Bucks. We'll just hang out at the Bucs. And then you've got to do a morning after. You have to do a morning after. Yeah, he can just pay us. We'll just be at the Bucs. We'll just hang out there. Yeah.

So we do the podcast in the afternoon so the Bucs guests don't have to go to that if they don't want to. So essentially you're going to be commentators at a Bucs party. That's what you'll be. We'll be the Roy and HG. You will be. Except instead of the Winter Olympics, it's girls with no clothes on. Yeah. And just jam the blind out of his brain going, where is he?

Yeah. Where is he? Is she in that cake? She better be in that cake. And then I meet her and she looks exactly like me and I'm like, oh, here we go. The Toowoomba Carnival of Flowers, Friday the 19th until Sunday the 28th of September.

So, yeah. Hopefully it's that. I can't do it if it's that first couple of nights, but if it's past the 21st, I can do it. And if we get enough interest from, if there's enough, if you build it, if you take your top off, they will come.

You know, guys, I remember when you guys started this podcast, you thought, where's it going to lead? And then finally getting a half an invite from a Bucks party in Toowoomba. A fairly dismissive email using the word viable and the fact that there'll be a flower show which could totally steal your thunder. I mean, really, you've punched through the glass ceiling

in a monumental way. There's the Emerald City in it, guys. Us coming back and it's just been the worst idea. We shouldn't have gone up against that fucking flower show. Either way, when you think about it, maybe we shouldn't have gone to Toowoomba at a Bucks night and tried to do a podcast. But hey, in a way, aren't we all the flower show?

Guys, I think that is it for the Little Dumb Dumb Club for this week. Dave Thornton, Asher Treleaven, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks, guys.

Asher, do you have things coming up that you would like to plug? Yeah, I'm filming a show at the Quarterly Retort on the 26th of July. Cool. In Melbourne?

Yeah, down at Revolt in Kingston. So it's only... Kensington, I think you mean. Kensington. Kingston. So I want it to be properly fitting for a comedian of my stature. So there'll only be about 50 seats available for the DVD.

Perfect. Rather than pretending that I'm hitting out and performing in enormous venues. Yeah. So come and enjoy the tragedy. It's not like you're playing Toowoomba, mate. No. I've been to Toowoomba. Nailed that city to the cross.

Dave Thornton? I'm hoping after this to hit up Chandler for a spotted spleen on Monday. So hopefully. So there's that. Bring five friends. Sure.

Yeah. Obviously, FIFA in day, but probably, yeah. In the mornings, Fox FM. Yeah, sure. That's true.

And then I'm doing Just for Laughs Festival in Sydney. Oh, yeah. Just got announced in October. So if anyone's here. Yeah, with Jim Gaffigan. Yeah.

Awesome. Yeah. One of my favourites of all time. Yeah, Trevor Noah will be there. Oh, well. Willie. Willie been there. He didn't turn up to our podcast last year.

That's why I respect him more. Maybe we can book him for, is it the same time as Toowoomba? September? When's Just for Laughs? No same time as Toowoomba? September? When's Just for Life? Nah it's like October isn't it? October, October But maybe he won't go then after all Guys I'd like to wedge in a quick plug to this

I'm filming my show Pipsqueak on August the 27th In Melbourne at Five Burrows Two shows at 6 and 8pm Tickets are free Just email me at tommydassolo.com And let me know what time and how many And yeah I'd love to see some friends of the show at that. We've got our 200th live episode spectacular happening Saturday the 2nd of August,

7.30pm at Five Burrows, and also our Adelaide show. Tickets available on the website. Yes. And also our Adelaide Dumb Dumber Palooza, us both doing our solo shows and a live podcast with friends of the show coming over to Adelaide for it Tuesday

August the 12th once again tickets for both of those available littledumbdumbclub.com come out and see it's going to be great we have booked in

flights to Adelaide at 7 in the morning yes so we'll be revved up and ready to go just a whole day to walk around Adelaide just observing things

boy I hope there's a flower show on that we can rip into is there any Bucks nights day to walk around Adelaide just observing things. Boy, I hope there's a flower show on that we can rip into. Is there any Bucks nights on a Tuesday in Adelaide? Yeah, maybe. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Oh, they all did it.

Yep.