The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 202 - Nazeem Hussain & Greg Larsen

Episode Date: August 20, 2014

Sawdust, Moving Out Of House and Nazrail.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, thank you very much for joining us and sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Hang on, have you turned that on? Is it all turned on? Yes. Is this recording this week? Yes.

Is this recording this week? This is recording this week. Are you sure this is recording? I'm 8% certain. Okay. Alright then. Yep. G'day dickhead. Yeah. The reason I picked the number 8 for the percentage there is because that's the number of minutes

that we missed out at the start of last week's episode. Little Easter egg in there. Yeah, that could happen to anyone when your sole job is to hit record. You really had me going at the start there. I was like, when you were pointing at the machinery, I'm like, you don't know how any of this works.

How do you think it's not working? Do you know why I had you going? Because of the power of my acting. That's really good stuff. Yeah, it's renowned. Give me that pie, kid. The classics. Hey, so I ran your Five Burrows gig last night

Thank you While you were away at Dirty Laundry Thank you Which I've done a few times now And you've talked about this on a couple of occasions But it's kind of a, you know, so you're taking people's money at the door And it's a bit of a fascinating insight into Yeah, dealing with the public

Dealing with the public, yeah You know, shop work You get a lot of different sorts of attitudes from people, don't you? Yeah, it's, I had a couple of people come in and ask me this question and it's something that I've kind of decided to sort of wean myself off. The thing of asking people where the toilet is. Do you know what I mean? Like when I'm in a cafe, I've weaned myself off ever asking where the toilet is

because the answer is always the same. It's always just down the back yeah do you know what i mean and a lot of people that that was the first thing they asked when they got in yeah and it's like how many places could it be yeah but this one woman asked in the strangest way i've ever heard she's come up the stairs pointed at her groin and said where do i put this well i take it back not the strangest way I've ever heard. A close second though. She's come in and I've taken her money and

then she's gone... For the toilet? Toilet money? Yeah, I'm running a side business in your gig. She's just gone, can I go toilet? Go, sure. It's just around there. I'm guessing that's what this is really about.

You want to know where it is. Yeah, I just found that very bizarre. Can I go toilet? I've never had a Neanderthal man come to the comedy gig before. Yeah, well, it was, yeah, it felt like a weird, like I'm in control now and, yeah, like a real child. Speaking of real children, today on the program we've got two special guests, one of whom is a returning guest.

You know him from Dirty Laundry Live and from Fancy Boy. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Greg Larson. Hey, guys. Thanks for having me. Hello, hello. When was the last time you went toilet? Last time I went toilet? Oh, mate, it's been a week.

Oh, really? Oh, I'm having a rough trot that's actually did i think you know this because we did splendor in the grass together a few weeks ago and you know so you're camping for four days you're using portaloos and all that stuff one of the comedians who we won't name did i say this on the show when we were talking about it he was so alarmed about having to use portaloos for the four days that he dosed himself up on Nurofen Plus to back himself up so that he wouldn't have to use the toilets for the four days. Can you tell me who this was afterwards? Yeah, maybe I can say it on air.

I don't think he'd care. Just say it. Daniel Towns. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So codeine apparently really backs you up and yeah.

Yeah. Because did he do that before he got there? Because the toilet situation was actually pretty good. It wasn't that bad. We had our own toilets. It was fine. And they smelled like cinnamon. Yep.

There was that one day when there was a, like they were filled up and there was some kind of accident. Some kind of accident. Well, there was, I went in there one day and, and there was a workman in there and I said, oh, mate, can I just get into the toilet? And he goes, mate, I don't think you want to. And then I sort of looked in and went, no, you're right.

I'm just going to walk out. And then I had a real, like, just looking at it made my day much worse. Yeah. But what happens at the end when that four days of coding or whatever it is wears off? Like, what happens at the end? Well, a of coding or whatever it is wears off? Like what happens at the end? Well, a couple of people did message Townes over Facebook to say, how's your day been?

And he said, oh, yeah, pretty interesting. So, yeah, I guess it's like, I don't know, it's like anything. If anything's backed up and it's just you release the plug, then it's just mayhem, I guess. Wow. Yeah. Anyway. Another sweet segue into our next guest.

For the first time on the show, you know him from Legally Brown. Please welcome him to Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nazeem Hussain. Yeah. How's it going? Good, man. If you can just get a little bit hotter on that mic, that'd be excellent. This time we're getting one from radio. It's like, no no we'll just put

a microphone in zone 3 this is a really expensive microphone isn't it yeah I went to Falls Festival a couple of years back probably the same one as you yeah

we were on different legs and I was in one of the toilets where you need you need the sand paper what is it the sand paper

in a toilet in a toilet where you need sand paper it's really rough out there. Was it just you had a really bad gig and they're like, this is what you have to wipe your ass with for the rest of the festival. And you're not getting paid. And also I need to re-varnish my ass after this,

so I'll just get rid of the first coat. You guys don't shine your ass off. No, but there was a bucket of sawdust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so you have your bucket after you finish. And there's a guy next to me who asked if he could have some sawdust because he'd run out in his bucket. So that's the equivalent of sharing toilet paper under the cubicle.

When you said bucket of sawdust, because I've never heard of this before, I've filled in the dots now. Yeah. But my first reaction was that you just hold like a clump of sawdust in your hand and kind of try it. You just mould it on.

Just plug it up and go, alright, don't have to worry about that. That's olden days codeine. Nature's codeine. Or even before that was just branches. This happened a couple of times at Splendour and you might have seen this at Falls Nazeem when you have the sort of the backstage toilets

because they're still just portaloos. They are nicer than the rest of the ones, but they're still, you know, they're susceptible to breakages and stuff. And, you know, like someone will go in there and discover that the toilet is broken and there's a right mess in there and then they come out

and someone's waiting in line to use it and you know you have to do that cover of like because otherwise if you say nothing the person's just going to think that they saw you come out so they're going to think so just the desperation of watching people come out and go oh it's broken there's stuff in there.

It wasn't me. Definitely wasn't me. You were in there for 20 minutes, mate. Yeah, yeah. No, I just did a really long number one. I bought me own sawdust. I had nothing to do with it, I promise. So Nazeem, it's lovely to have you in here for the first ever time.

You were trying to, you were lobbying pretty hard to get us to do this at your house. Yep. And I was kind of wondering why that was and then I discovered this because you've just moved out of home. You will be the second guest I have in my house. Ah, really? Yeah, but you decided to decline so here we are. It's all for grabs.

Yeah. So this is you moving in a house for the first ever time. Yeah, at age 29. So I thought I'd start young. Wow. Yeah, at age 29. So I thought I'd start young. Wow. Yeah, so I... Does that mean you go through exactly what happened to some of us when we moved? I moved our house at 17.

So is that just still a delayed thing? I moved out of house at 17. Did you move out of school at 12? That's how you say it, isn't it? I moved out of house. That's how people say it. I moved out of school at 12? That's how you say it, isn't it? I moved out of house. That's how people say it. I moved out of home.

I moved out of house. Oh, yeah, you're right. I moved out of house. I got over the TV show House. I was a big fan at 17. I just kind of got over it. Yeah, I got over grammar at age... Yeah, but 17, so, you know...

Well, having the conversation, you mean. No, having that thing where you're going out and sort of making really poor choices with dietary habits and, you know, learning a lot of stuff. Has that just been delayed until age 29? It's been Nando's every day. Yeah, great.

Two nights ago, I made a vegetable curry with rice that I had left over from the takeaway shop. And my friend came over and I was like, bro, let's eat. And I finished in like three minutes. And before he came, he was like, man, I'm starving. And he got through about a third of the plate. And I was like, don't you want to eat the rest?

And he goes, oh, no, I'm pretty full actually. And I don't know what was wrong. It clearly just didn't taste like anything that you want to eat. But you're getting Nando, so that's good. and I clearly just didn't taste like anything that you want to eat. But you're getting Nando's, so that's good. Like I remember at age 17, I moved out of house. Nando's is what you – you can only afford that when you're in your 20s. Yeah, exactly.

I wasn't going – Rich man's fast food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, exactly. I'm on TV, bitches. The SBS money. At 17, I was at TAFE in Ballarat, and I was getting home brand all the way. Home brand Nando's.

Home brand Portuguese chicken. Yeah, the little chicken, instead of being red, he's like black and gold. Instead of the choice of mild or hot, it's either shit or bitch shitter. So I'm figuring out how to cook stuff. I'm going back.

I'm sharing with five or six other people in this weird complex and we're all bringing food back and trying to figure out how to cook stuff. I remember having some horrible meals

where I'm just assuming this is how to cook things. I was pouring like gallons of cooking oil into this fry pan and then trying to make scrambled eggs and going, just eating it and going, I don and then trying to make scrambled eggs. What?

Just eating it and going, oh, I don't know why people like scrambled eggs. Why is my chest hurting? Oh, I just had some, and just all fish fingers and all stuff like that. Oh, good. You don't have to worry about that. That's good.

I've just got Nando's across the road and I know how to make kind of vegetable curry. Make a phone call? Make a phone call. To get something delivered? I was saying to my girlfriend recently, like going, I don't get it. Like when I lived in a share house before I met you, I drank all the time and like didn't exercise.

And I felt like I was in better shape than I am now. Like I don't drink as much and I exercise a lot. And she goes, yeah, but that's because like when I met you, you living in a share house, you were having just soup for like every dinner. Like you were eating nothing and now you eat properly because you're an adult. I was like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I remember vividly the first meal I ate when I moved out of home. Out of what?

Out of home. Out of house. Out of house. All right, now I get it. When I moved out house. I went to shop. And I went to shop and I bought... I need out house. I went to shop. And I went to shop and I bought... I need to toilet.

Oh, was that your mum that came in last night? It must have been. That was me. Oh, okay. Mr Doubtfire. Mystery shopper. Yeah, I bought my first meal, my first dinner, I just bought one of those big rolls of cookie dough.

And I was like, sick, this is going to be my dinner. That was your first meal? That was my first dinner. That is incredible. And I remember sitting there. Hang on, did you move out of house at three? I said I was eating just raw cookie dough. And then I went, you know what?

I can't just do this. Like I've got to mix it up. So I got some of the cookie dough and cooked I went you know what, I can't just do this I've got to mix it up. So I got some of the cookie dough and cooked it to make biscuits. Because you're an adult. And so I had cookies and raw cookie dough and then I went, oh fuck I'm going to change the game. That's like having a meal of chicken and eggs. Yeah.

It's more like having a meal of chicken and then another kind of chicken. What I did and this is the best thing I've ever done in my life I got like I got

two baked cookies that I made out of the cookie dough and then I put raw cookie dough in the middle and I ate it it was so good

it changed my world it was amazing have you ever done it since no I understand that you've just moved out of the house

and so you just like you know you can do whatever the hell you like. You were not normally allowed to have cookie dough at home. No, no. If I said, Mum, can I have cookie dough for dinner, she would have gone, no, you can't have cookie dough for dinner.

Yeah, you've got to rebel the first night you're out. Yeah, exactly. I stayed up till like 11.30. Oh, wow. First night. Yeah, Mum. Mum! So how is Mum taking the moving out of house?

Well, when I decided to move out of house, she was in Sri Lanka actually. And so then when she came back, I thought I'd tell her in the car on the way back from the airport. Because she's going to notice. She's going to notice. And also I'd done a bit of press for Legally Brown and I was unpacking an Ikea box at the time

and the journal was like, what are you doing? I'm just unpacking. Don't write that. I've just moved out of the house. My mum doesn't know. That was like the first paragraph of the article on like Perth Times. So I was like, shit, my mum doesn't know how to use the internet. But she doesn't, thank God.

I haven't taught her. But then so she's on the way back from the airport. I couldn't actually tell. I couldn't say I've moved out of home or out of house as she probably would have. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for using the Queen's English. So I just said, I said, oh, yeah, I'm staying in a place now. That was how it was.

She's like, what, you're staying in a place? I said, yeah, I'm staying in a place. I'm going to rehab. So she kind of didn't really understand what I said when I broke it to her. I had to sort of rephrase it that night. Has she worked it out yet? Yeah, she's worked it out. Okay, good.

See, I'm fascinated to her. I had to sort of rephrase it that night. Has she worked it out yet? Yeah, she's worked it out. Okay, good. See, I'm fascinated by this. I'm fascinated by that you can have a show on TV for a whole season and be living with your mum and dad. That rocks my world. My bedroom has been right next to my mum and dad's bedroom for my whole life. Like it's just literally in the next, the wall separates me. So she's uniquely protective. This is amazing.

She rang me last night and she said, come home. I said, I am home. And she said, I'm in my house. And she said, but someone could attack you. Well, someone could attack me from there. She goes, no, but you're living with us. I said, oh, so a murderer. She goes, a murderer could attack you.

And I said, well, so a murderer's going to come to our house and see that you're there and go oh no you better back off you better stay with us two old frail people for protection Mr and Mrs Hussain are going to

stab me back so anyway so she's starting to understand the false logic because that's sort of a cultural thing isn't it like the you move out when you're married

and if you get married at 40 you move out at 40 no yeah I mean that is a cultural thing you know I moved out at 17 I remember moving back but that's like a white thing isn't it like you get kicked out of home as soon as possible oh no that was a country country town thing just kidding all the listeners out there yeah we're all out on the streets mate yeah like parents don't love

their kids right in white culture i left because i was being brutally bashed every day. And then Dad was even worse. Tell us about how you were homeschooled, Carl. No, but I moved out at 17 and then I moved back at like 19 or something, thinking, oh, yeah, like just for a little bit, thinking, oh, they'll love this. I remember like two or three days in, my dad going, why don't you fucking move back to Ballarat? It's love. Yeah.

What age did you move out, Greg? I moved out when I was 18 or 19. I can't remember exactly how old I was. Now, did you move out because you grew up in Brisbane, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Did you move out into a house in Brisbane? Yeah, because I grew up in a little town sort of west. No, not a little town at all.

It's a city west of Brisbane called Ipswich. Oh, that's not Brisbane. That's where Pauline Hanson's from, right? It's like Brisbane and Ipswich don't. Your mate. That's where Pauline Hanson's from, correct? Sorry? Pauline Hanson is from.

Pauline Hanson's kids went to my school. No joke. And they had to leave because they were getting death threats. So I don't know where they went. From who? From, I don't know, just people in the world. Pauline Hanson. Pauline Hanson's kids.

If you can't take it out on her, kick her kids. I'd kick the shit out of those kids. Oh, man. Say hello to your mum for me. Ipswich, how far away is that from Brisbane? Literally, Brisbane and Ipswich, how far away is that from Brisbane? Like, literally, like, Brisbane and Ipswich don't even, like, you wouldn't, you're not, you never leave. Like, they both touch.

They're both, Brisbane and Ipswich, like, you'd just be driving along and then suddenly, oh, I'm in Ipswich now. Oh, okay. Like, the cities are, like, the city's borders touch. Right. That kind of thing. What a bizarre way of describing the geography of Queensland. The borders touch.

The borders actually touch. They touch. No, but it's like if you leave. It's like you're describing a sex act and then they just kind of touch right at the border. And it's just, oh. I know you live there, but I don't even think anything of that you said was true. It just doesn't sound real. Hey, baby, want to come back to mine and do the Ipswich touch?

That's so funny. Something happened to your face when you said that. So? So, yeah, I moved out when I was like – because I wanted to be like right in Brisbane, you know, like right in the city. I moved into West End in this shitty little sort of – it used to be – it actually – the house I lived in used to be a halfway house, like a place where

junkies and homeless people and stuff could come and stay and no joke, on the third night I was there, it was like two in the morning and I was playing Mario Kart and I heard like this bashing on my back door and I just went, um, hello? And then this guy

going, let me fucking in, mate. And I said, oh, no, I'm probably not going to let you in. It's Luigi. Stop jumping on my muscle. But this guy, and he just kept going, like, you're lucky. I don't have a back door I can lock, mate. And he kept bashing on the door. And he just wouldn't stop.

And then I heard him, like, trying to get into my housemate's car. And I didn't know what to do. Like I was scared. I'd just moved out of home and I just dialed triple O. And I dialed like O-O and then just went, can I call triple O for this? Like, yeah, all right. And I did it. My Mario Kart's being interrupted. You should have said, Nazeem's mum's in here. And so you didn't call them? You're sitting as him, his mum's in here. Piss off. And so you didn't call them?

No, I did. I called the police and said, there's a guy, you know, trying to get in. And they went, oh, yeah? There's a guy bashing on my back door. Oh, this isn't a sex line. Is he your friend? He's trying to touch my border. Where are you calling from?

Brisbane. It sort of touches Ipswich. Is this... And are you... Because you were telling me about this the other night. Are you still a goth at this point in your life? Oh, I was goth. Oh, man. I was wearing makeup goth.

Like, I was wearing makeup. You were a goth playing Mario Kart. I was a goth playing Mario Kart. You're calling the gobs because someone's knocking on your door. And almost certainly eating spam or cookie dough. Who does a goth who does a young goth pick when they're

playing Mario Kart? I'm trying to think. Bowser for sure. Bowser's the most goth. I never went the heavy characters. I'm pretty sure I was always Mario. Is there a black character? the most goth. I never went with the heavy characters. I'm pretty sure I was always Mario. Like classic Mario. Is there a black character? I don't think there's anyone black.

Can you goth up Mario? Yeah. I wish you could, mate. I wish you bloody could. It's way too colourful for goths to play Mario Kart, actually. Yeah, but it's a fun game. Exactly. Again, goths shouldn't be playing it.

That's the problem I always had when I was a goth. I was way too happy as a goth. Trying to reinvigorate the movement. Yeah. I was just always making jokes and shit and everyone was like, oh, shut up, man. Shut up, man. I'm trying to think about the darkness.

Let's go down to Flinders Street Station and sit at the front. Why don't we go to Luna Park? Sit at the front of Luna Park. Because you were telling me you were a full-time goth and then you kind of gradually transitioned out of. Yeah, I remember when I was full-time goth, I didn't understand that people like thought I was lame, if that makes sense. Like I just saw Marilyn Manson and went, oh, this is cool, people like this. And I thought no one's going to think I'm not cool if I.

And so I remember going to a friend's birthday party when I was like 17. And I'm talking like full... Like I was wearing like black jeans with holes in them and stockings underneath and stockings on my arms. I had black lipstick on. My face was white, like black eyeshadow. I had like seven belts like all around

and I had like spikes on my wrist and a collar. And I was wearing a collar. All right, mate, we've all got stuff going on. And I rocked up to my friend's house for his birthday party that I thought was just going to be like a house party and it was just a family dinner kind of situation. There's just a goth at the table. Pass the potatoes, thank you.

You're sitting there going, pass the cookie dough. What? What? Yeah. That sounds like, that outfit sounds like, Nazeem, it's like what your mum is scared that you're going to turn into now that you live out of home. If I ever hung out with you, she would probably shoot you.

Yeah. And then shoot me. Next time you go home to visit her, just rock up wearing seven belts. G'day, Mum. No, no, no. have him around at your house. This is what I'm talking about, Miss Ed. Don't worry, I'll get him. What in my mum's mind, like, the idea of a bad influence

is someone that looks or sounds just like a guy dressed as a goth or like a 1980s guy from, you know, Beat It and Michael Jackson. It's sort of like ripped jeans, you know, kind of like rat tail cigarette. That's the idea of a bad influence. So if you ever look like that, don't ever hang around me. You might get a bullet through your head. So let me bring this up, Nazeem.

So we first met several years ago now. You and I were actoring together on a little program that lasted for one season on the ABC called Sleuth 101, which has come up many times on this program because it featured some spectacular Dutch accent work from one Mr T Dasolo. I actually thought you were pretty good.

Thank you. Yeah, I thought you were really – because I couldn't act – I can't act. I mean, I've never formally learnt how to act, but you were really comfortable. Hello, SBS commissioning editor. Pull the plug mate. But you know like you actually

looked more relaxed. Well it was a, we've talked about it a few times but it was a stitch up of a thing where they get on to you and they go hey can you do a Dutch accent because there's a well paying role in this thing for you if you can. And of course when you, you know any for you if you can and of course when you

you know any any point you're at in comedy of course you're going to go yes i'll have some money to be on the tv please exactly and then the night before i'm before we're meant to start doing it i'm sitting there thinking gosh maybe you should youtube some dutch people and try and learn the accent but um the one thing that sticks out in my head about you this is i think the first day i properly met you was uh we did a script read through right before we started filming we just went into the office and we just you know read through to kind of get the beats of the script and stuff and uh you're you were going through you you were doing your lines and then we got to the end and you you you sort of said to the director like hey look not to just to bring this

up the name of this character – I can't remember what your character's name was, but you've gone – the name that you've given the character, a guy of this background just wouldn't have that name. It's just not a thing that would happen. And they go, oh, okay, well, yeah, we'll change it. So then we get to the first day of filming and we get the new script and the character's name has literally just been changed to Nazeem.

Oh, that's right. You're like, well. Oh, wow. I know a brown guy. The only brown guy I know. That's right. Larry David style. Just playing.

I think this character would be paid a lot more as well. There must have had a name like Eddie Murphy or like Mfufu or some black name. It was pretty out there. I remember it was a Central African. It was something like that. And I was like or some like black it was it was it was pretty out there it was like it was a central african it was something like that and i was like oh man this is cringe but there's another conversation i don't know if you remember this around that same table uh and it was weird because like i played that you know just in an australian accent but i remember they before they were like oh yeah we really like it if you could, you know, do it in a, I was like, oh, what? And they go, you know, really own the character. Based on the voice you're doing.

Basically, just give us a bit of it. And I was like, oh, bloody hell. So I remember that same meeting, I was like, oh, yeah, I'd prefer it if it was just like if it was an Australian-born kind of Sri Lankan or Indian, you know, I think that would probably suit. And they're like, oh, really? I mean, it'sankan or Indian you know I think that would probably suit and they're like oh really I mean it's really funny

the way you do that it's really really funny there's that awkward bloody pressure especially when there are other people around the table that stood out for me and you're pretty early on

in your career as well so you don't want to act up and yeah I thought I'd do a show called Legally Brown years later when I purely do accents well that's good

I don't yeah so yeah there was a lot of there was a lot of accent stress going on in the cast. Oh, there was a lot of accents. I just remember that awkward conversation. Why didn't they just cast better? People actually spoke like that. People actually spoke like that.

But they couldn't directly ask, can you do a funny accent? They just said, do the thing. Just own it. You know how your parents might speak? I like this accent that you're doing for the people making the show. It's a joint production with the BBC apparently. Constipated English people from the 30s. We were looking down on the head of an elephant that they'd shot

and killed on safari. Very intimidating to presence to be in. That's why my character name wasn't Nazeem. What was yours? Tommy. Torben. Torben. Torben, I think, yeah. It's always very intimidating to a presence to be in. That's why my character name wasn't Nazeet. What was yours? Tommy. Torben. Torben. Torben, I think, yeah. That's right. I just love the idea that maybe there's someone listening to this show who lives in Australia who's

a Dutch actor and just every time this gets brought up, just being ropeable going. Why do I keep listening to this podcast? Yeah, and I should mention, I think last time this came up on the show, I talked about it. How did it come up, by the way? Just because I was a bit shit on it.

Right, right, right. And so it's fun to- You weren't shit, though. Honestly, you weren't shit. Well, this is the thing. I was saying that the whole episode is on YouTube, which it used to be, and I went looking for it after the last time we spoke. It's been taken down.

It's gone. It's lost to the ages. I never saw it. Yeah. I've never got to see it. I've never, and I've never – you know what? I don't have copies of anything that I've done. Okay.

Do you know anything about this show? It's basically like a crime show. So someone gets killed and then you have to guess who. It was like a Cluedo like show. Cluedo with ethnic stereotypes. Yeah, exactly. So we would act out – so you do a pre-filmed Thing of like A whole set up

And someone dying And then there'd be A live in studio bit Where a guest detective Would come in And they'd watch The bits that you'd filmed And then they'd interview

You all in character Live in front of the audience And they'd have to And so you have A lot of pressure You'd have to walk in And say Hey

Where's the murderer That's the murderer? That's the character on Mario Kart that you play, by the way. Yeah. I understand. It was a lot of pressure because you know that you've got like a mystery that – and the writers would tell you this is the person in the cast who did it. Yeah. But then you're doing this improvised interview and so you've got bits and pieces of information

but you're not – like I think I – I remember I did something where I just made something up. Claire Hooper was the guest detective. That's right. I made something up and she went with it and was fixating on it and thought that that was – and it was kind of ruining the show because she's going, no, but he said this and it's 20 minutes on and the director had to come out and go, look, ignore that.

He just went off script. I don't know what the fuck that was meant to be. The donut doesn't mean anything, okay? Stop thinking about the donut. But he kept talking about the donut. That must be a clue. And I'm in the green room going, oh no, I'm never going to work with him again. I shouldn't film those sketches so

close to lunch. Old Torben's done it again. Nah, it was good fun. I've got a little bit of news. Look, we're going to have to say Speaking of TV, Carl Yes You were on TV last night

I was How was that? It was okay Dirty laundry live Yeah, it was live Live comedy Yeah, live comedy It's a bit of a

Here's the great thing about our listeners And what our listeners sort of do with information like that So I put the word out on Facebook and Twitter and whatever That I was going to be on live TV and whatever. Hey, you know, follow it along and follow it on Twitter if you want to and whatever. So what they did was I checked after the show. What they'd been doing was the people with my phone number

had just been trying to ring me during the show. I did. I watched it live and I wondered why I could hear it over the whole broadcast. And they have your phone number how? You're right to express surprise at that. Why would they have my phone number? Oh, Tommy Dastley gave it to me.

Do you want it now? You gave Carl's number. I can just read it to you now if you want. Don't read it again. I would love it. Make people at least work for it. I feel like it's time for an update. No, it's never stopped.

It was two years ago. It's never stopped. It was two years ago. It was so long ago now. It was ages ago. You just gave his number out. Who are these freaks that are sitting there with this two-year-old number going, oh, I'm going to call him again. For context, he printed up posters that had my number on them and put them up in the city.

And so I got a few texts and I didn't know who it was. He got like two texts from it and then his revenge is for a million people to hit me up. And it's, hey, that's the nature of pranks. You play a prank. The response is one upping. Maybe in this case it's about ten upping. It's a pretty big leap from what you did to what I did. It's like seven upping, you know, that series that went on for 50 years.

You could seven up Tommy by giving away his address. Oh, no, that's bad. It is bad, just like giving away your number. I'm fine if you do that. I'm just landing the seat. I'm fine if you do that as long as your mum can come and live with you. You're going to have to date her at least for a few months. Okay.

So what I wanted to say was I got an email and look, we're going to have to say I guess at some stage officially that we're not doing that Bucks gig obviously that we've been talking about because it's this weekend. Yeah. I think it's tonight. Oh, is it? It's tomorrow. Yeah.

Yeah, right. So we just didn't do anything about that. Yeah. So that's not happening. So don't turn up to that unless you're the Buck. But hey, let's put this out there. If you're having a Bucks in Melbourne, if someone is, we'll do it. Let's take that under advisement.

Is it going to be strippers and stuff? It was going to be us doing a live podcast at this guy who listens to the shows Bucks do. That would have been awesome. Yeah, we would have been murdered. I did comedy once at a bucks party and it was probably one of the worst things I ever did.

I was doing comedy and while I was doing and it was just in some guy's backyard for a start so I was just standing there on the grass under the hill's hoist. It was, it was under the hill's hoist. And while I'm sort of doing my comedy no, it wasn't, I don't know if you know

the comedian, of course you do. Shane Hunter. He's very... For the listeners, he's very, very political. And he was doing this Bucks party. And he's up there talking about central banking and economics. And while he's talking about how central banking is ruining the economy, the Buck is getting served a shot out of a woman's tit.

And he just kind of trails off and walks away. How do you compete? He comes back with a beer and goes, yeah, I guess I'm done. And he was specifically requested for the bucks party and it was a bucks party full of miners and stuff. Oh, wow. And he dragged you into it? Yeah, he just said, oh, do you want to do it?

Do you want to open for it? Great gig. In the backyard. Yeah. Did you hang around afterwards or did you do a... I hung around and just sort of sculled about four beers because I just wanted to get something out of it. Are you still gothing at this stage?

No, I got some money. Sorry? Are you still goth at this stage? No, this was like this year. Oh, really? No, not this year, last year, but it was while I was here in Melbourne. This is in Melbourne. Why don't you get back into being a goth now?

Because there's no goth comedians, are there? And you'd be the oldest goth, right? Like at what age do people stop being goth? That's the thing about being a goth. When you're like 19 and you're a goth, people are like, he's working it out. When you're 30 and being a goth, you're just like, look at this fucking old.

Or you could go straight into like a leadership position, right? Sorry? Like you could go straight into like leadership. Oh, yeah. Like amongst, because when I was a young goth. You could be King Goth. You could be King Goth. I could be.

Because when I was a young goth, all the older goths, like the 30, there were 40-year-old goths. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. And they were like, everyone would look at them and go, oh, yeah, that's Nazrail or whatever the fuck their name is. Hey, that's almost my name. That's a sick name.

I saw that character on Sleuth when I was there. Nazrail. No, that's when you open up your own – you start your own public transport network. Nazrail. Nazrail. Don't tell your mum. Okay, now I'm just imagining you as a goth running a public transport network

and your face is on the side wearing black lipstick. That's ideal because they're already sitting at the front of the street station so you can just herd them on. Or if I invaded Israel, I'd call it Nazrael. Oh, yeah. You've got a lot of career paths here. Not that I've ever thought of doing that. It's good to know you've got options if that third season doesn't happen.

Well, I'll just invade Israel by myself. Time for me to really kick on with my passion project. One for them, one for me. Yeah, so, well, yeah, the 40-year-old gods yeah i would be the king goth so there is like a there's sort of a chain of command that you can yeah there's definitely hierarchy like chimps is it acceptable to to now laugh at goths like can i laugh at god so is that because it's an actual thing isn't it like with beliefs and god no not really like i mean like it's just so really. Like, I mean, like it's just a fashion thing. It's just a fashion thing.

That's all it is, really. It's just a fashion thing. Oh, really? I don't know why I've given them such great respect. I've met goths who are Satanists. I've met goths who are like, just don't care about religion. I've met goths who play as Princess Peach on Mario Kart. Exactly. Exactly. Like, there's no goth philosophy. It's just, apart from just

being dark and reading poetry. I wonder if we have any goth listeners. Shoot us a line if you're no goth philosophy. It's just apart from just being dark and reading poetry. I wonder if we have any goth listeners. Yeah, yeah. Shoot us a line if you're a goth listener. Is there any goths around anymore? Goths aren't really that big anymore. Like because sort of emos became a thing and they were kind of like punk goths and then like. What is the new subculture now?

What's the. Who hangs out at Flinders now? Yeah. Yeah. Let's go down there. Let's do the second half of this podcast down at Flinders Street Station. Just go up to people and go, what are you? I think that was like I remember that being a source of great frustration

when emo came along for got. It was pretty – because there's a big – there's kind of a distinction between the two and it's like gots would get called emos and emos would get called gots and they both kind of hated it. That would be the most depressing punch on of all time. Hey, you won the fight. Why are you so sad? So, yeah, his email.

I got an email. I got an email this week. Apropos of, you know, that Bucks night request, I got another request. And this request was I'll read the email Hi Carl I'd like to know if you're available to perform at private functions And more particularly

Whether you're available to perform at a wedding On December 6, 2014 I've seen you perform a couple of times Most recently with my fiancé When we saw you at Yaya's last month. Yes. We were two of 12 or so people there that night and had fun despite you not making it through that second jug of water.

So just to give it a bit of context, a few weeks ago we talked about this in the show. There was no one in this crowd. For some reason I decided to drink an entire jug of warm water on stage in lieu of actual entertainment. And then walked off stage and vomited

violently. So this is, you know what, you do your best. You do your best. You try and workshop some great jokes and you get up and then. Prop comedy. You do a gig in front of 12 people where you drink a jug of water and that's how I'm getting new gigs.

And also, what does that say about me that I was on that bill and I did my best. I just kind of stuck to my gear and, you know, did my jokes as good as I could. And then they go, nah, let's get the guy who constantly said, yeah, who said, why the fuck are you all here? This is fucked. Let's get D-Grey Jackass over here.

Drink some water. People are going to be yelling that out to you. Where's your jug? It's me making the toast for the new couple. More toast. So anyway, we're planning a wedding for the 6th of December in Queenscliff and we've been brainstorming some entertainment ideas. That's perfect.

Book him. Lock it in. I've never seen a comedian perform at a wedding. I'm tipping you still won't have if I come along. Carl, you should do it. When they say we've been brainstorming some entertainment options, I'd love to see the mind map of what other options they've got. What else are they thinking?

That weren't as good as this I saw a bloke on Smith Street playing with a Yo-Ho Diablo the other day He's trying to get his contact details, see if he's into it I performed at a wedding a few years ago in Sydney My friend hooked me up with his gig And at the time, maybe five years ago It was the best paying gig I've ever done So I thought I'll perform at the wedding

And I got there and the groom comes up to me and said, look, do you mind going through this slideshow of photos and pretend that you've been friends with us for a while and just make jokes about the photos? I swear to God. So I was going through the photos and it was really sad. Like they clearly didn't have many friends there in Sydney. Oh, no.

And I was their funny friend and I went through the photos. I remember when John or whatever his name was Is that what you said? Or whoever this guy is That was a bit of a giveaway It's referring to

everyone as old mate Yeah Nazeem or whatever his name is Just everyone's got the same name as you But it was it was very sad

That's pretty brutal. Like, if you were in that position, Chandler, it would have just turned, like, it would have just turned into a roast where you just go, oh, here he is, old fatso here. Here he is, dumbass. Before he lost all that weight.

Oh, no, he's still fat. So, have they put any sweet dosh on the table? What kind of buns are we looking at for this? How much? Yeah, I've got to report. They do ask me at the end how much or whatever. Look, it's just that

we think... Let's work it out. Yeah. What do you reckon? If you're doing the jug of water thing, that's an extra 500 bucks. Plus weddings are always

you take what you would normally think you would get for that then triple it and say that's the wedding fee. Wedding fee. Like wedding fee, you can charge triple

what you normally charge Really? Okay. I'm going to write this down. Yeah. How do you know? Because I've talked to people that have,

like I had a friend who, a cousin who was married and they went to get a limousine and they said, how much is this limousine going to be? And they said, what is it for?

And they just said, tell us how much it'll be. They said, you've got to tell us what it's for. And then they said it was for a wedding and they're like, yeah, here's the cost. $15,000. And then when they purposely r'll be. They said, you've got to tell us what it's for. And then they'd set us for a wedding and they're like,

yeah, here's the cost. $15,000. And then when they purposely rung up again and said, hey, we want a limousine just for a party. Year 12 graduation. And it was three times less. Wow. There you go. That's sick.

Well, they made a big mistake. They should have said to you, just come around and hang out at our house and drink some water. We'll all be in suits and someone will be in a big white dress. We'll take for no reason. We've got a massive tap. Come over. Our surname is marriage.

It's a white-themed party we're having. Can one of your conditions be a plus one for your little podcasting mate? Do you really want to come to a wedding? Hang on. I figured it halfway through that question. Yes, you do want to come and see me try and do comedy at a wedding. Yes, absolutely. And you also, I feel like it's your

duty to get really, really drunk and try and make a speech yourself. Oh, yeah. Like the comedian's plus one is going to get up and make a speech. No, I do a speech about Carl after his speech. And it starts with, this fucking can.

after his speech. Oh, yeah. And it starts with, this fucking can. Oh, man. I think you would have a much better gig than me. Do you reckon you'll do it? I don't know.

I get really scared of stuff like that. Like, I'll go back and talk to him. I'll figure it out. It's almost like a corporate. No one's there to see the comedy. No. And you're interrupting an event. If you rock up at a wedding and then someone

comes out and goes anyway I'm just here to do 10 minutes of comedy you're like what why

I do think it's very strange that people want I get it when it's like a mate goes hey you do stand up MC

can you MC my wedding we would love that I get that but just a random comic who has no relationship to you

it does happen though because I have heard comics talk about, you know, oh, I did a wedding gig and they're always a bit weird. I'm like, of course they're weird. Why does this exist? Yeah. Why do you need that at all? I would be happy to do it for like a mate's wedding

where it was other mates at the wedding and you can do stuff about people you've known for nearly your whole life. I'm waiting to see when my friends start getting married if anyone will ask me to do that at their wedding or not. How much professional faith people are prepared to put in me... ...who've known me for a long time. Yeah. I mean I emceed my friend Pete Sharkey's wedding in Perth... ...and I think I introduced four people and got two of their names wrong.

Yes. So for...I don't know how I'm going to go to a comedy gig. Do you have marriage material? No. That's the thing. I think, you know, any gigs like that, you need to probably tailor it to that. You would have to. Yeah, I can't just walk out and go, what's up with balloons and ladders?

And they're like, yeah. So the great thing about weddings is that you have to use a lot of balloons and ladders. Yeah. Yeah. Sweet segue. That's funny because all my jokes go for about 8 seconds I'm just doing these weird segues That go for 30 seconds

Before each 8 second joke To be fair someone who was at Pete Sharkey's wedding Told me that when they were getting photos taken At the edge of like a pier or something And everyone sort of Gathered around watching them and you yell out Don't jump Sharkey So not only have you got names You're heckling the photos And everyone sort of gathered around watching them and you yell out, don't jump, Sharky.

So not only have you got names, you're heckling the photos. That didn't turn up in the photos, so that's okay. What if it somehow had just a little speech bubble poking through the bottom corner of the photo? He's somehow broken through. Funny photos. Well, I want to know, yeah, I'd love to see you, I would love to see you do this. Look, I've just got the email, so I'll go back.

I'll start the negotiations and we'll see. Is it a listener? I don't think it is. There was no mention made of a listener. It was just a pure water drinking fan from stand-up. Right, right. That is, we cannot stress enough how bad that gig was. Not your gig, just the gig itself for everyone.

But it does say, I've seen you perform a couple of times. Oh, okay. So there was a gig, just the gig itself for everyone. But it does say I've seen you perform a couple of times. Oh, okay. So there was a gig where he said he'd tell jokes. And that fell behind the water drinking one.

That was worse than the water drinking one. They just probably wanted to see that you could handle any situation. This person's been following you. Yeah, yeah, right. Just making sure you're legit.

You're the real deal. Yeah. So now I'm prepared if mid-gig one of the guests comes up and goes, come on, we need to start doing some sculling. Yeah. It's like, oh, no, they can see I'm prepared for that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What if you get there and you find out that the guy getting married

is like the son of the CEO of Mount Evian or something like that? Yeah. It's out of waterfalls. Yeah. It's in a pool. Excellent. I was going to say quickly, Nazeem, with you moving into your new house. Moving out.

Moving out of house. Out of house. Into house. Into new house. When I was doing my research on you today, on your Wikipedia page, I find it's odd because you've got quite a big Wikipedia page. You've got a lot of groups. I didn't make any of that up.

Sorry, I didn't write that myself. Someone else did. I had way too much info on there. In fact, it says I'm one year younger than I actually am. Oh, sweet. I don't know how to change any of it. Is that your mum? Like, is your mum writing it?

Yeah, it does start with Nazeem saying, he's a good boy. He's a good boy. He's single. But he needs to come home. He lives at home with his mummy. He's welcome back any time. Yeah, he was born on this day and he died really soon probably. There was no protection.

Soon after he moved out of house. So with you moving into a new abode, what you need to do is you need to find out how to change your Wikipedia page. I have no idea. This is the weird thing. I genuinely want to know. Out of all those details that you've got in your page, and you've got heaps of credits

and everything, it very weirdly, I think, ends with just saying, Nazeem Hussain lives in Burwood. Oh, does it? It does genuinely say that. Does it say with my mum? No. Okay. Well, I'm okay say that. Does it say with my mum? No. Okay, well, I'm okay with that.

So long as it doesn't say Nazeem lives in the bedroom next to his mum's room and has done so since he was born. And if just the exact address was on there? I want to delete everything on my Wikipedia page and just say Nazeem Hussain has moved out of house. Look at you, I want to delete my Wikipedia page. We don't even bloody have one yet. Someone added my name onto my hometown, Mirabar,

and said a comedian, Carl Chandler, came from there, and they deleted it going, that's not a real person. Okay, I don't think it's that difficult to get one because. No, it is. It is. Every now and then I'll look, and every now and then someone will have put one up for me. Really? And then I'll check like a week later and it's been taken down.

This has happened like four times now. I can't stick. What have you got to do to get traction on Wikipedia? It might be Carl taking it down in revenge

for the bloody phone thing. Oh yeah, I put his number out, he takes my Wikipedia down. Is there someone on Wikipedia that's actually going through pages

and going, is this person really? Evidently there are, yeah. There's a lot, yeah. Because I tried to say that I, like a page about myself, that I was the strongest man in the world.

It wasn't even a page about myself. I put on my birthday, you know, this day in history, I just put, Greg Larson, the strongest man in the world is born. And it was deleted within minutes. But I did manage to have one up on the page. I like the idea of the editors going through that and going, is this the strongest man in the world? How did they then verify that?

Yeah, they just went, nah, it's wrong. He's not the strongest man. They must know who the strongest man in the world is. But then I put on the page about sunglasses, I just put, where it just had the description of sunglasses, just at the end I just put, sunglasses were invented by Greg Larson. And that stayed up for two months.

Wow. Two months. You could have gotten work out of that. Sunglasses were invented by Greg Larson And that stayed up for two months Wow Two months You could have gotten work out of that Yeah You could be getting some sweet Oatly cash out of that right now See this just I just

The more I hear these things The more frustrated I get That someone looked at that And didn't bother to verify it And went That checks out But someone said Tommy Dasolo is a comedian

Oh no No he's not Someone put Gary Chook as an Australian comedian and that stayed up longer than Carl Chandler. Wow. Wow.

It's so depressing. Yeah, well, going back very quickly to that phone number thing, I realised that, well, this is funny, when we did our 200th episode the other day,

we had a couple of tributes from... Callers? No, no, not from callers, but from friends of the show, people who have been on before that were

away from whatever Will Anderson did one and he was contacting me on the day going oh yeah look how do I

get this video to you and then he texts it to me and sends me a message going oh I just realised I didn't have your

phone number but then I went that's right it's on a podcast so I just got it off that so how did he find the podcast

he just googled Carl Chan the phone number podcast probably that's crazy I'm going to do that tonight no don't do that I'm going to off that. So how did he find the podcast? He just Googled Carl Chan on the phone and have a podcast. Probably. That's crazy. I'm going to do that tonight. No, don't do that.

I'm going to do that as soon as this is over. You've got his number though. Like why do you need to do that? He's sitting right here. I want to post that podcast up on Facebook, Twitter just to reignite the movement.

How far would this have to go for you to change your number? I know. That's the end. That's when I'll know I've won. You've made it. Yeah, that's it. That's when you'll give out your address.

Yeah. That's the thing I really thought at the start. Nah, this will last a week. But what's the worst thing that's happened because people have been waking you up? Yeah. Oh, look, I actually don't want to talk about it that much because I feel like if I give the best... A lot of the best stuff people have done with my phone number I don't mention

because it just will give people inspiration so what like signing you up to yes erectile dysfunction yes okay

what other things putting your house for sale did I talk about this I'm actually someone that has that a few times I reckon if you listen you should advertise something

and put it you know like advertise for a computer like a brand new Mac for $50 because I'm moving and he'll get like 100 calls. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. Because then people are calling up going, oh, really? Here's a challenge. Use my number for good. Surprise me with good stuff. I want to get a phone call where it's like, oh, this is Baskin Robbins.

Yeah, here's your free 50 litres of ice cream that it's ready to pick up. Oh, for good. I want one of them. Carl Chandler has offered his house for, you know, Yeah, here's your free 50 litres of ice cream that it's ready to pick up. Oh, for good. Carl Chandler has offered his house for people who need a place to stay and someone can put that up online. That's good. People are calling you up because they want to stay with you. Put Chandler's house up on Airbnb.

Because that's you doing something good. That's forcing you to do something good. You don't do enough good, Carl. Where are we going to find room for someone to stay in this? I don't know. That's your part of the bargain. You've got to work that shit out. Yeah, it'll be a good little project for you.

Build a little annex above your bed that a guest can sleep in. What number podcast was that? I can't remember. I don't know. I can't remember. It was a long time ago. No, you know what? I don't want to make – people now, if they want it,

they should have to work for it. If you're a new listener and you want it, go back and do your homework. Go listen to 600 hours of content. It's like the podcast version of National Treasure. You've got to go and you've got to find the hidden code in there. Where's Chando's number? Do you have an index for the podcast? What?

I don't know. Do you have something? Do you know we're not talking into a book at the moment? I thought this was being transcribed. Yeah, the bibliography that we put out after each podcast. There's a stenographer over in the kitchen there. Fair enough. I want to talk about this.

So a couple of friends of mine were telling me this the other day and it really rocked my world. So I've been out of high school for about ten years now. It was my ten-year high school reunion a couple of months ago. Not that I went. What did you say? Nothing. You said only 10.

No, I was kidding. You didn't go to your reunion? No. When was it? It was like a couple of months ago and I forgot. Which school? You forgot? I forgot.

Well, see, I got invited to the one for the school that I was only at for two years and I didn't know heaps of people there. And the one I would have wanted to go to because I didn't graduate from that school, I didn't get invited. Oh. Does that make sense? Yep. Then you went to a graduating school.

What? Then you went to a school and you graduated from school. Yeah, but I was only there for a little bit. I didn't really know anyone. So you did graduate. I did graduate. Yeah, I finished school. I just want to go into this.

He just glossed over that little detail. I'm the dad of house. So anyway, a couple of friends of mine were at the footy a couple weeks ago and one of them just randomly gets this message on Facebook from a guy who we went to high school with who they haven't seen in ten years and he goes, hey, boys, I'm just at the men's gallery and I know that that's around the corner from where you live. Do you want to come down and catch up?

And they go, cool, let's go see this guy. His last name's Drake. They go, yeah, let's go catch up with Drake. So they leave the footy. They go to the men's gallery and they can't find him and they're messaging him going, hey, man, where are you? We're in the men's gallery. Where are you?

And he never wrote back, Never showed up and they haven't heard from him since. That was a prank. Isn't this the most bizarre thing you've ever heard? That's a sweet new advertising thing from the men's gallery. Yeah. Maybe he's doing promo work for it. That's a new campaign.

That's guerrilla marketing. Can I just ask, what is the men's gallery? It's a strip club. Oh, okay. Your girlfriend's not listening. You just go there and there are just portraits of women. What is boobs? I just love it though.

They were going, yeah, how weird is that of him to do? I'm like, why did you leave the footy to go and meet up with a guy that you haven't seen in 10 years and you weren't even that good friends with him at school? What if they did see him after all? It was like, oh, I haven't seen you for ages. Come and catch up with me at the men's gallery. They get there and they're like, where's the guy? And it's like,

the guy's gone through a sex trip. He's one of the strippers. He's been dancing to you. That's how he's announced it. Before he tells his parents, he's getting in touch with everyone from the class of 04 individually to get them down to his new work. Having them in private. Haven't we all changed since high school, guys? Just sitting there having a drink.

But, I mean, they could have just, like, either way, it could have just been like, oh, yeah, let's just go to this strip club, though, because, like, they could have got a message and said, hi, I'm a man, I'm at a strip club, you should also be at this strip club. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. I'll give it a crack.

It's like, oh, hi, it's Craig, come down to the strip club, let's catch up. Who's Craig? But at the end... Let's just try and remember. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go just in case. At the end of the message, did it say, send 159 to opt out?

Oh, he always does that at the end. I've did it say send 159 to opt out? Oh, he always does that at the end. I've got to hit this guy up because he was a good friend of mine at school, the guy who stood them up and just go, man, what was your angle here? And then the next day they were like, man, we were there and we were messaging you and you didn't. What happened? And he still has just not responded. He just drifted off the face of the earth.

I love it. See, there's another way of using my number for positive ways. Invite me to a strip club. Oh, you're going to get a lot of requests now. You're going to get porno sent to your number. Does Crazy Horse listen to this podcast? Has anyone been sending you, do you get sent pornographic images at all?

Yes. What, from friends? No, people that have his number. There's a few weird people that send really weird things to me. Send a lot of dick pics, please. No, don't. Actually, have you got any close-up photos of a butthole? No.

That would be great. People should use you as their alibi and say, Carl, if anyone asks, I'm with you and if they get arrested

or charged the next day, you'll be brought into court. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. You'll be a witness in court. Commit a crime and then say that you were with Carl all night. Yeah, and say,

I text Carl Chandler, look, here's a text. You will be a witness. I want to get back to the bit where I said, use my number for positive. That's positive. You're helping him

stay out of jail. I'm helping murderers. Yeah, when we're saying commit a crime, I want to be really to the bit where I said use my number for positive. That's positive. You're helping him stay out of jail. I'm helping murderers. Yeah, when we're saying committed crime, I want to be really clear. A serious crime. Commit a serious crime. Let's rule out anything. I think it should be shoplifting, theft, burglary. I want to hear how a jaywalking alibi, shoplifting alibi is going to go.

I was with Carl when he said I was jaywalking. I couldn't have been jaywalking alibi, shoplifting alibi is going to go? I was with Carl when he said I was jaywalking. I couldn't have been jaywalking, sir. I was moving house with Carl. I was with a podcaster. Well, a lot of homework for you there, guys, if you're listening at home. I really look forward to throwing my phone away. You'll have let them win then. What if this inspired you to become Amish

You just lost the plot And got rid of all technology Because you've just had enough The wedding requests The dick pics I'm getting the home phone Put back on again Throwing away

Don't man It's not worth it Do not Don't Well guys I think that brings us To the end of the Little Dum Dum Club

For another week Greg Larson Nazeem Hussain Thanks thanks so much for joining us. No worries. Greg, you've got some Fancy Boy shows coming up in Sydney. Yes, in Sydney on September 10, 11, 12, 13. A lot of comedians make a joke like, oh, I need the money. I actually really need the money.

I really need the money. Buy tickets. And it's almost like a split show with Aunty Donna. They're doing a show, we're doing a show. And if you buy tickets to both of them, you can get them for $30 total. And I have seen both of those shows. And that is, if you're in Sydney, and this isn't me, I'm not just blowing smoke here.

That is the best $30 you'll ever see. Because Fancy Boy is a super fun show. I saw Aunty Donna's show before they went to Edinburgh and it was so funny. So you'll have a great time. But yeah, Fancy Boy is genuinely, how many times I saw Aunty Donna's show before they went to Edinburgh and it was so funny. So you'll have a great time. Yeah, it'll be cool. Fancy Boy is genuinely, how many times have I seen it in Comedy Festival? Eight times?

Yeah, something like that. Something ridiculous. Something ridiculous. And what about your Melbourne Fringe as well? Oh, Melbourne Fringe as well. Yeah, after that. The Melbourne Fringe is like, I think the 17th we start

and we're doing like- 17th of? Of September. Yep. And we're doing shows like, I can't remember the exact dates because we just do all like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then the next week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

We've got Melbourne Fringe. Melbourne Fringe, Fancy Boy Variety Show, and Sydney Fringe, Fancy Boy Variety Show. Awesome. Nazeem Hussain, Legally Brown. Legally Brown, Monday 9.30 on SBS1 and apparently repeated last night, very late at night, on SBS1 or 2.

So what time? Good plug for something that happened in the past. Someone please Google and let me know. Yeah, Thursdays. It gets repeated Thursdays. I'm not sure if it was SBS1 or 2 last year. It was repeated on SBS2 on Sunday night, but I'm not sure. Don't leave it till then. Just give it a Monday night. Well, Monday night.

I think it's better if you watch the Monday night one because that's when the ratings came in. Yeah, support good comedy and sketch comedy and stuff being on the air. It all benefits us all. Thank you very much. For that stuff

to get good ratings. I would also like to plug, I'm doing a one-off return of my show Pipsqueak, which is at Five Morrows on August the 27th. There's two shows at six and eight.

It's free because I'm filming it and just email me at tommydassolo.com and let me know. What are you going to do with it once you've filmed it? I'm going to put it in a rocket and blast it out into space so that the aliens can learn about the funny side of human cancer. That's the best possible answer.

Finally, we're getting one over on the aliens. After them probing us so many years, we're going to do the equivalent back to them. Also, my Melbourne Fringe Festival show is on sale. It's a live-action sequel to Con Air. It's set on a boat and it's called Con Air 2 Convoyage. It's a little funny play that I'm writing. And look, I want to say, I know...

You're a theatre wank now. Yeah, talking about a piece of play that I'm writing. And look, I want to say, I know... You're a theatre wank now. Yeah, talking about a piece of comedy that I'm writing when the one example that listeners have of that is Rad Dad on this show. And my conclusion of the door story, I do want to stress that it will be... Actual work is going into this, so it will be a lot better than that.

So, support it. So, Con Air 2, it's on at the Melbourne Fringe. It starts the 17th of September. Melbournefringe.com.au For tickets And my show Melbourne Fringe Rad Dad the Musical No that's not happening

That's not happening Great idea though But send Carl a text And request Rad Dad the Musical Send him some lyrics Send him some song ideas Send me some money And the ode to Hot Tuna

That'd be really good Guys Thanks heaps for listening And we'll see you next time See ya mates