The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 203 - Dilruk Jayasinha & Ben Lomas

Episode Date: August 27, 2014

Four Scents, Cheese Bookmarks and B-B-B-Bounce.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Hey, dickhead. Here we are with, let's call this episode 201.5. Oh yeah, that's not bad. Is that what this is? You know like with the Jackass movies, how they'll bring out some little extra stunts and call it Jackass 2.5. Oh, yeah. That's not bad. Is that what this is? Yeah. You know, like with the Jackass movies, how they'll bring out some little extra stunts

and call it Jackass 2.5? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sort of what this is. We call it The Little Dumb Dumb Club and A Little Lady. Ooh. Okay. But who's The Little Lady? I don't know.

I'm just thinking of sequels. I'm just thinking of sequels to bad things. Yeah, as a sequel, is this going to be better or worse than the original? Oh, this is going to be good. Episode 201 of the podcast we did recently, live in Adelaide. Yeah. Blockbuster hit. Broke records.

Not really. But people really liked it. Yeah, I feel like this is a sequel to a movie that no one really wanted. Yeah. Yeah, this would be like if they did like George of the Jungle 2. Yeah, yeah. Or something like that. Yeah, and it's like, oh, is that a sequel?

Oh, okay. It was the first one that good, was it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, you've worked it out by now, but joining us back on the show, we are pretty much exactly a week from when we did the live episode in Adelaide.

A lot has happened since then, so we sort of decided we should get these guys back to sort of chew over some things that were left kind of unfinished, some loose threads from the podcast. So welcome back Ben Lomas and Dilraba J Singer. Is it almost

exactly to the time? Didn't we record at 10 o'clock in... Oh, we did. I think it was 1 o'clock by the time we got on stage. This is the news Steve Dickens. I'll just do my hour show an hour and a half later. So the genesis of this was we, yeah, like we said, we then

talked about this on the show. We were going to go and we were going to kick on at one of the bakeries afterwards, which we did. Let's have a flashback to what happened when we last met. We, on the podcast, we talked about that Bart Freebaum was there at the Adelaide podcast, along with you two fellas. And just before the gig here, we were talking, Ben Lomas said at the start of the day,

my one aim for the whole trip to Adelaide is to get Dilrock laid. Yep, that was. He definitely said that. No, I think my exact words was, look, we're here, all three of us here in a relationship The thing was that I said I would help you And my main aim for this whole time Was to get you laid

One condition right at the end I'd cut your lunch Yeah yeah yeah But you were like It was much sweeter than that You actually like had your arm around me Going we're going to get you laid buddy You were like actually

I think he found it more funny than actually helpful for you. No, no, no. It was somewhere between teenage movie sex romp and Make-A-Wish Foundation. It had a very... There was a weird cross vibe going on. Yeah, it's like, take that, bad kid. They're doing a possible on my campaign of getting laid now.

Yeah, it was good. I still remember when we first got to Adelaide. The first thing we did was we snuck into the girls' change rooms and we had a look at them in the showers. Drilled a hole through the shower wall. Just a sex fest. So that progressed into, I think we brought that up again just before we did the podcast and Bart Freeburn was in earshot

and he immediately went, oh, is that all you need to do? Let's just scroll through my phone for 0.5 of a second. Yeah, I've got someone for you. Amazing. He did. It was like some kind of Terminator-esque execution where he just scrolled through. I felt like for a second he was the CEO of Tinder.

No, it was like a pitch meeting before Tinder's got up. It's like, imagine a world where it's this easy. But was Tinder. It was just, you go up to him. What do you got? Oh, this, this, this. Wait, what was that last one? That one. I'll go ask her.

I'll show her a photo of you and see if she's keen. None of us felt like we believed in it because it was so quick. Like that's how ridiculously everything fell into place. Well, he said it because he's – sorry. Within ten minutes. We were eating burgers and then he started looking. We finished burgers. By the time we walked out, he's like, yeah, she's coming to me.

It's a done deal. And no, no, no. Like I got a text from her within like maybe 20 minutes after that. This was like – Well, because so basically Bart's had this friend who was in town and he sent her a photo of you and said what do you reckon? And it was a photo of you

you had a cheeseburger in your hand you were sweating and she's gone sounds great. It seems like some sort of scam though like I've got... Come on! Yeah Bart's got your credit card details now. Some sort of scam though? Come on! Bart's got your credit card details now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was that quick. All of a sudden you get a text and go, I'm fine to meet you if you can just forward me $200 to Western Union. It was all fun and games. I'm like, oh, cool. We'll catch up after the podcast. And then before the podcast kicks off,

Carl and I are at the bar getting some jugs and she shows up. I'm like, oh, hey. It's a great moment where we're getting some beers at the bar and then just me and you in the bar and then one other girl comes up to me and goes, hi, and then turns around to you and goes, hi. And we both go, well, we know what this is. And can we, I don't know if we should say this, but before when we were walking to the venue, Bart goes to Dil, oh, look, this is her.

And you guys are standing there and you're like, oh, Dil, yeah. And then after a minute, Bart goes, no, I'm just kidding. That's not really her. Who was that? Just another one of his Tinder minions. Who is he saving her for? His mum. And then I go to the boys, I'm like,

surely we're not bringing this up now, are we? Because, you know, she's here. And then I'm like, hang on, have you scripted anything in Rad Dad for it? And you've gone, yes. Now I have to say too, I did not know that she was there for the show. I didn't know that she'd actually turned up. Yeah, I made the mistake of mentioning it while the recording. I probably should have just left it.

No, because I was standing in front of you and I saw her and I just said, I cannot turn around and talk to her because if I do, I will lose my shit and I won't be able to say anything on stage. I was just concentrating on you two. Guys, we've glossed over maybe the most important piece of information. Did she pay for a ticket? She fucking better have.

If you are listening right now. If we're 50 bucks out of pocket pocket I'm going to be fucking ropeable Go and at least buy a bloody t-shirt will you That was what was horrendous for me Because when I was on stage I can see her And it's been brought up And her hands are well and truly in her face.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was amazing. As soon as we started bringing it up, she just ducked and just started shaking her head. If you listen to the podcast, you can see, like, the definite moment where I start losing it. You can, like, I'm doing all right.

We're talking about spreadsheets and haircuts and all that. Oh, it's all funny games. And then this gets brought up. And I just start changing my way. I start calling you guys cunts. Yeah. It's just like completely losing track of what I'm meant to be doing. Isn't there one where you're talking about spreadsheets

and then we sort of start mentioning it. You're like, Ben, you're a fat bastard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like three moments where that happens with zero context. There's so many times I'm like, anyway, let's talk about Ben being fat. That was the other thing that worried me when I listened back. I'm like, I sound horrible.

I hope people realise that me and Ben were actually mates. They were just like mucking around. Sorry, mate, not anymore. There was just so much hate in some of the things we were saying. I have to say, I didn't notice her in the audience. I can't remember whether you saw this or not, Carl, because I did tell you about it. There was a girl in the front row with, I presume, you know,

boyfriend or whatever. I presume he was a listener and she was definitely not a listener. And it was getting late, fair enough, but she looked like she was having one of the worst times ever. Just not – and every – like a big thing would happen where everyone's laughing at it. Like when, you know, the wrong picture came up on the screen and I thought, well, this is not, you don't have to know the podcast.

This is just a funny thing that's happened. And she was just looking at us stone-faced. It was killing me. What have you got to do to break through? But it's one of those things where you know you do a gig and you always focus on the one person that's not laughing. Exactly, yeah. And I may have not made...

I got a bit nervous about it as well. And so for some apparent reason throughout the podcast I thought it would be a good idea to occasionally look at her and wink at her. Just to let her know everything's going okay. Oh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense now. She's scared for her life. When this is over, that disgusting fat fuck is going to eat me.

I'm already not finding it funny. Now I'm frightened. What a sweet combo. That's like in Jurassic Park when they're in the car and there's just a glass of water on the dash that starts shaking. That's what that wink is for her. You mean like Jurassic Park? Yeah.

Okay. I got the reference. He said that at the top. You idiot. I didn't hear that. You said before the show you never listen to a podcast you're on. That's live as well. What is happening?

So we do the gig. You have What you said afterwards Was one of the worst experiences Of your whole life What happens is As soon as we finish the podcast You disappear

Immediately Straight away And also very quickly For the listeners If for whatever reason You haven't listened to episode 201 If it's not blindingly apparent by now You should probably turn this one off

And go listen to that first It's probably the only one That's got a connection to it If anyone hasn not blindingly apparent by now, you should probably turn this one off and go listen to that first. It's probably the only one that's got a connection to it. If anyone hasn't worked that out by now, maybe it'll start to make sense. To be fair, Kyle did a haul previously on McLeod's Daughters at the top where he gave the rundown of what was happening. Just to one listener out there who after the show

was nice enough to come up and buy a poster and he said to me, he's like, you know, he got everyone to sign the poster. And he was like, where's Dil? And I was like, oh, he had to shoot off. And he's like, oh, why? Has he got an early flight in the morning? I was like, he's trying to get laid.

Were you not listening to the last 20 minutes of that? Did you just low mass this gig? But to be fair to him, like no one would have expected anything to come out of it because here's the thing, I don't mind embarrassing myself. That's kind of part of what I do in stand-up anyway. You don't have a lot of choice, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've signed up to this thing.

You live in that body. Yeah. You make those choices when you have your third dinner. Are you choking on your third dinner there? We did get Hungry Jacks on the way here, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. We totally did.

But, yeah, I was just feeling so uncomfortable for her and I guess I'm being a hypocrite now by talking about her again. But I just felt... Well, as long as people have it paid to get this, it's a different thing. No, but she doesn't... Like, she was in the crowd, do you know what I mean? Like, she's right there. This is not kind of...

And she's taken a punt. Like, she's gone, OK, you know, Dill... Bart's a good friend of mine. Dill must be a lovely guy. I'm going to go there. I'm going to meet him and he's going to sit there and, you know, have to watch. We're going to see what he does for a living.

I like to think that she's got the picture of you and gone, oh, you know, not exactly my type, but, you know, I'll do him a favour. Oh, and I'll rock up. Oh, and on top of that, I'm getting shit poured on me from the guy. I didn't pour any shit on her. It was you guys. Because you hadn't even met her.

You'd met her. We met at the, like, just a bit earlier before that. But just, it's so funny that she has turned up. Like, when you step back from the whole thing, imagine going on a date, on a first date, you turn up, and the person you're going on a date with has four people next to your first date just going, oh, I think you're going to root here. It was this point in the podcast where Tommy goes, yeah,

we've got to wrap this up because you've got to go home and get your fuck on. I'm pretty drunk by that stage in my defense. We're all like that. I think it's your only live episode that just ends with, yeah, that'll do. Because by then it was just, there was no... And that was said by the girl on the front row. There's shades of...

I'm sorry if I've said this on the show before, but I can't remember if I have, that a friend of mine knows a girl who went on a date with a guy and they're at a bar that has an open mic comedy night on and she didn't know he did stand-up. And in the middle of the date he goes, I'm just going to hop up there and do a gig.

And she's like, oh, yeah, good one. And then all of a sudden he's there doing stand-up and he's shit house. And she's like, oh, yeah, I've got to go all of a sudden. I've got to go watch a podcast with this guy I'm interested in. How did he sell that afterwards though? Did he go, oh, I know, they didn't get any laughs, they're doing this anti-comedy.

Yeah, I don't know. Because I'm doing this anti-sex thing. So I get off stage just defeated almost. Just going, this is not how I plan things to work out. So talk us through So you get off stage So I get off stage Just defeated Almost You know Just going This is not how I plan

Things to work out And meanwhile Bart's run off That's right Bart's first to go off stage Then I'm just like Standing For whatever reason

Ben is still drunk Standing on stage Even though The mic's not even in his hand I've got a stomach muscle by then And Bart comes up to me And goes Hey

It's actually still on. She's still keen. I'm like, are you serious? After all that... Well, he is the CEO of Tinder. Yeah, exactly. He's obviously done some fantastic groundwork. He goes... He pulled rank. Yeah. I don't even

get that. Did you listen to what? A Jurassic Park reference. He says, yeah, but just go get out now. Go for a drink now before, you know, the punters are flooding in and all that. Just get out. And that's exactly what we did.

I just called her and she's like, yeah, let's just go for a drink. You guys were like the Beatles, just running out. Yeah, John and Yoko. You were John and Yoko, what was she? No, this is not what I signed up for. We go for a drink and it's actually like really awesome. Like it turns out we get like really good sense of humour. Where are you drinking by the way?

Just in the bar at the venue? No, we left the bar. We left the bar. And did you just start talking about it straight away? Like how did you address it? Oh, yeah. Did you go, oh, what the fuck was that? Like did you apologise for that?

Or did you say, I wrote all of that? That wasn't me. That was another. I'm doing anti-comedy. I was like, yeah, I'm just playing a character. A character who's shit

at getting girls. That's just part of my shtick. Yeah. I'm actually white. Yeah, my real name is Jason. Anyway, no, no,

so I did apologize and she goes, no, no, that's fine. She could not believe, the one thing she was like, I can't believe how mean you guys are to each other. I was like, no, no, so I did apologise and she goes, no, no, that's fine. She could not believe, the one thing she was like, I can't believe how mean you guys are to each other. I was like, no, no, that shows how close we are. Like the mere fact that we brought it up.

That's a thing that everyone says, like, no, I only give you shit because I'm mates with you. But to explain that to anyone outside a certain circle, it sounds like madness. She just thought, yeah, it was incredible that, you know, this was happening. Anyway, we have a drink or two and we make out, which is really cool. How did you get that?

I've never heard that sentence said by Elmer Fudd. How did you get that? No, sorry, Porky Pig. I got it wrong. How do you get that, folks? We've all got stuff going on. What's up, dickhead? Are there any more? There's tons. Did you make the first move?

Like did you Who made the first move here? I don't remember It kind of melds in a bit Like into the night We were getting pretty drunk I think I think so Yeah yeah yeah

You made the first move With all that sweet Podcasting foreplay That you were doing Yeah yeah yeah Using chapter 27 Of the game Get on a podcast

With five other people And insult the girl in the crowd and watch her melt in your fingers. That's when you see the game in bookshops now and it's got now some extra added chapters in the back. That have just been shoved in by Dil. Written on cheese. I guess. Jeez.

He's so fat that he's using food as stationary. It doesn't even make sense. He's not even eating it anymore. He's using it for other things. I can't find a pen on this big chunk of chisel, dude No, I was just like

like I guess if it was the game, that's like a terrible type of negging That's like taking negging to the extreme level Yeah, yeah What's a neg? It's one of those Have you never heard of that out of the game? No, no

Negging, like negative You give a compliment It's like you treat them mean, keep them keen Yeah, yeah, yeah I once saw a friend of the show Who I won't name I once saw a friend of the show who I won't name, I once saw him in a bar with a bunch of people, you know, a bunch of mates like this

and there was a waitress or something and he kept nagging her, kept going, oh, how old are you? Like 43, 44? And she was like, I'm 22. Whoa, you have not aged well. I'm like, what are you wearing? And she was like, you know, really upset

but like strangely drawn, but like nearly in tears. And then he goes, anyway, I've got to go home now and just left. And it's like, that's not negging. That's just making someone cry going home. No, that's negging, but it's just doing that chapter and not doing the bit afterwards where you flip it and you draw them in. Yeah, he only read half of the game.

Yeah. The friend of the show, Sean McAuliffe. You know, when he left the Wagers, he went back and he opened up the game again, got out to where the bookmark was and then read that next chapter and went, oh, fuck! No, no, no. He never found out where that was because he ate the bookmark. Yeah.

Maybe you might get to the punchline quick if you stop giggling before you say it. No, the reason... She's not making out. Oh, yeah. It's hot and heavy and you're touching her boob and everything. Stop it. By the way, a listener of the show tweeted us saying that they drove past you in the street making out with a lady. Yeah.

Which is pretty awesome. That's not a bad tweet. Also shows how small Adelaide is. Oh, that must be that guy from out of town. He doesn't look like he'd be able to pick up on a Tuesday night if he wasn't the podcast guy. Yeah, he's kissing Lucy. How's her town name?

Everyone knows each other's name. The one girl in Adelaide. Scarlett Johansson, yes. No, the reason I brought it up is because as soon as it happened to them, she's like, oh, you know, let's go. And I'm like, oh, do you want to go back to the accommodation we're staying at, which is the hostel? The hotel, the hostel, the accommodation.

Oh, I forgot. And before we went, like at one point I went to the toilet and there was these machines which have various cigarettes and stuff, but there's also a condom machine. And I bought one of the condoms, which is still in the same jacket that I was wearing that night and I thought I'd bring it here as a prop. It's called...

Hang on. Spoiler alert. You've still got the condom. You've still got the wrapper on? It's still in the original shrink wrap. Have you put that back in and shrink wrapped it? What's going on? Still got the condom. Still got the wrapper on. Still in the original shrink wrap. Hang on, have you put that back in and shrink wrapped it? What's going on?

Oh, my God. Ben is loving this so much. No. That baby is sealed up tighter than a JB Hi-Fi Blu-ray. I'll tell you that. That is some crisp shrink wrapping on that one. The best I could do it was what? Scented with strawberries and bananas. Four delicious scents all in one.

Strawberry, banana, vanilla and sweet. But is that the selling point? Is that like, see, I don't understand. Is that the selling point? Like, by the time you're going in the bathroom, you don't give a fuck what it is. You're not going through there going, four different flavours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, yeah, this is going to smell good on my dick. Oh, that's good because I smell down there. Oh, that'll be good. Just grab that as an isolation. I think you want to look at a map of a person again because the nose is in a different location. I don't know if that works.

No, it's a thing called blowjobs. Oh, right. Yeah, cool. Oh, right. None of us know what it is Nah Carl was just doing the game on us all Pretending to not know what blowjobs are Are you negging Ben?

Do you want to sleep with Ben? No so then we made And as soon as we stand up to go Outside the pub I see you four boys walking No no no You don't see Tommy You see Oh really

Yeah Oh This is where Because I Because before we start We were heading to the bakery Afterwards And so

I walk into the pub And as soon as I walk in the pub You walk into the pub To go to the bathroom Yeah yeah Well this is what pissed me off So I'm seeing you guys

And I'm like Oh cool They're walking They haven't seen us Ben sees us And you I just Because I just seeing you guys And I'm like Oh cool They're walking They haven't seen us Ben sees us And you I just I just

Because I just ignore you Because I was like The last thing I want to do Is come in And then she'll see me And want to fuck me And I was like Didn't want that to happen

No but why would you come in Because this is where I'm going to start again He didn't We didn't know You were in that club Are you serious This is the first time I thought you walked in to be a dick.

No. Right. I'm out the back of the producer's bar. If he was trying to be a dick, he'd be wrapped in spearmint, banana, vanilla and strawberry right now. While this is happening, I'm out the back of the producer's bar smoking crack like I do after every successful podcast just to be a little runny why I'm not in the story.

Okay, that makes more sense. I thought you saw us and were just to be able me and Ben and a couple of others

walked past this extra pub on the way just to go to the bakery and then he needed to go to the toilet

so he raced into the pub the crown and anchor for Adelaide listeners what a plug for the crown and anchor hey if you've just left a podcast

and you're on the way to the bakery and nature calls and you want to have some sex later on, you know where you pop in, the old cranker. Four pints and four-cented condoms. So I get paranoid. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm annoyed with Ben now because he's walking.

I'm like, what are you trying to do? It's going to mess it up. I'm annoyed with him because he's walking. No, no, no. The final straw. He's in the toilet having a piss, showing off.

Still works. Check it out, ladies. This is the only thing because you had to go to the toilet so I walked in and I hear you go, I have to go to the bathroom

so I was like, I'm not going to turn around. I'll just meet Dil in the bathroom. As soon as I walk in, the first thing I do... Did you hear me say that? I don't think I did. No, I heard you say that when I walked past because then I was just like, yeah the bathroom as soon as I walk in the first thing did you hear me say that because I don't think I did

no I heard you say that when I walked past because then I was just like yeah so as soon as I walked in I pulled out my phone and then hit record and put it over my shoulder what

just so when so Dil's reaction because I just wanted to film Dil's reaction just coming in and just going what the fuck are you doing here

and then he weren't coming so I was like oh what the fuck so maybe so now there's a video of you just standing in a toilet for 30 seconds yeah fuck are you doing here? And then he weren't coming. So I was like, oh, what the fuck? So now there's a video of you just standing in a toilet for 30 seconds. Just a film of a urinal door just going, any minute now. Imagine if someone else walked in.

Oh no, sorry, mate. I was waiting for someone else. But we then jumped. Oh, that's okay then. You were trying to film another person in the toilets. Dad, what are you doing in Adelaide? We run on a cab, grab a cab immediately and then just hop in the cab and leave. And this is when I found out that. I didn't know any of that thing that happened in the pub.

So I'm standing outside the pub waiting for Ben. Then I see a cab pull over and I go, is that Dylan in that cab? And then it takes off and I go, well, there's only one way to find out. Run after the taxi. This is what I don't understand. What were you hoping if you caught up?

So you never caught up to us in the end? No, he's not faster than a car. As we understand. But he was at the lights at one point. Yeah, yeah. So that's why I said he didn't catch up to it. He's the Terminator. Is that the guy from the podcast?

But that's the thing, what would you have done if you caught... He really is like the Beatles. Like, you've got your film crew, Ben, chasing you around through the dunny. You've got someone running after the cab that you're in. It's actually like the start of the movie A Hard Day's Night. People are just coming from everywhere. Except it's a hard deal's dick. So this is what happens.

I'm now so paranoid about you guys that this is now going to get stuck. You check the boot for Daslo. Tommy's driving the cab. Pulls off a mask. G'day, mate. And then meanwhile, I then send text to each of the boys going,

we're going to the hostel. Keep Lomas away from Ed as much as you can. Because I'm thinking now you're there to stuff things up. But then I also thought I won't be a dick because I'm also friends. So I sent Ben a text which reads, going to the hostel, please, please keep away, wink.

You didn't even finish wingman. Oh, wink. I thought you said wink. Please keep away, wink, which would make me go, please keep away or... Or do we need a third wheel here? To be fair, I've got four scented condoms you can use. The double please.

You can have a threesome and still have one spare cent. Yeah, what if you was surprised and go, what's the porno podcast? But the reason the wing, it stops there is because that was about the third text or fourth text and she's going, what are you texting? And I'm going, nothing. And I just sent it.

So I couldn't get to say man because she caught me texting, right? Anyway, we get to the hostel and you got to wing and then she looked her anyway to send reaction you go that'll do that yeah that pit or it's a knee reaction that didn't really work Because there's no jerking Yeah Anyway Yeah, yeah, yeah Anyway, we go This is now where the story Sort of has its, you know Sad ending

Where we get to the hostel And you know Things are going We'll be the judge Of whether it's sad or not By the way So you get there So you go past reception

And they just look at you And go Fucking hello player Yeah Well, no The night guy didn't care less Okay So you get there. So you go past reception and they just look at you and go, fucking hello, player. Yeah. Well, no, the night guy didn't care less. Okay. You hit the elevator and you walk into the room. What happens?

She goes, oh. Meanwhile, we've been making out the entire way there. So I'm like, this is happening. This is incredible. Just quickly, you said before that you said to her, you called it the accommodation. Have you come clean before you've rocked up out the front that it's actually a hostel? No, I think I did.

I wouldn't have said, yeah. Yeah, okay. The hostel. But you didn't walk in and go, I own this. I am, I didn't explain my last name. My full name is Doolrog YHA. I have residences all over the world. I'm like the Paris Hilton of Sri Lanka.

I can't get a road for that. I have to go to your podcast to pick up. That actually hurts. That actually hurts. Oh, that actually hurts. That actually hurts. I'm the YHA dynasty. Anyway, we walk into the room.

So I'm like so happy that I can't believe this is actually happening. We've gotten to the room and then she goes, oh, you have bunk beds. Right, because Ben and I were in the bunks and there was also a double bed, oh, you have bunk beds. Right, because Ben and I were in the bunks and there was also a double bed which is what Carl was in and I went,

no, no, no, I'm in the double bed, it's fine. Which I assumed in that moment you would understand. Yeah, sure. You totally understand.

Anyway, and we, you know. You say to Chandler nothing happened and Chandler's in bed and goes, is that four cents I can smell?

I'm going, that's one, that's two. Banana, strawberry, chocolate, mint. You've been rooting in my bed, haven't you? Jackpot, that's a giant stick of dick. It's like the worst Goldilocks. Someone's been rooting in my bed Because this That scent is too hot That scent is too cold

Those last two scents are just right Oh man Oh god So So we're fooling around in your bed. Yes. Did you put on Carl's clothes while you were doing that? You think any of them would fit?

Okay. Just very quickly, a couple of mates of mine on schoolies, my mate picked up this girl and went and was doing stuff with her in our other mate's bedroom. And when my mate got in there, all his clothes were on the floor and he freaked out because he just presumed my mate had put on his clothes. Like, you fucked her in my clothes, didn't you? And he's like, no, I didn't.

He goes, you did, I know you did. The clothes were on the floor and we're all going, why would he do, why would anyone want to do that? It's like, I fucking know he did. And to this day he's like, no, he did. He pretended to be me and had sex with her. That's the idea of him just pulling out the passport as well. Oh, baby, tell me your date of birth again.

Hang on, let me just check. Actually, putting ink all over his fingers and just fingerprinting her body. Actually, Tommy drove over here and I was in Tommy's house and we were leaving. Tommy goes to his girlfriend, oh, okay, bye. And he says the name because he doesn't want to. He's like, I'm not going to say the cute name. I'm like, nah, do it.

Tommy goes. I go, okay, bye, deal. Imagine if you busted, if you found out a mate of yours With their partner Their pet name For each other was your name Just some kind of sick tribute Oh no what if you had a con

Okay Bye Tommy I'm like Liberace And then Dil notices that her face Is starting to look like mine Because I'm getting a surgery And as you leave You face is starting to look like mine because I'm getting this surgery. And as you leave, you notice her start to pull out the podcasting equipment. Other girl comes around and looks like me.

That's Diane. Anyway, so we're pulling her out and then she goes, I feel really uncomfortable With the bunk beds Because Were you naked at this point No Let's not do that

No no But how heated No That's fine But she She was topless Okay So you weren't

You're willing to give that up No I was assuming We're not putting this in That's why I said it No no no I said it because I assume. Let me fully describe her boobs to you, but I will not

tell you whether I took my scarf off. I really hope her boobs aren't in witness protection system. We need to find a safe house for this girl's boobs. Okay, okay. Well, let's not go into that. I am not going to say anything She had great nips No okay

So you're fooling around And she noticed Oh good No she just goes She's too uncomfortable With the bunk beds being there And she said Hang on Hang on Hang on, so...

Hang on. Hang on, hang on. So you're in the double bed. Yeah. And she says I'm too uncomfortable with the bunk beds looking at me. Essentially. And I swear I said, do you want me to put a sheet on top of it? What's that going to do?

It's just going to look like Those bugs have died and they've come back Or just a giant ghost just watching No, don't put a sheet over it because there's one thing worse than a bug It's a ghost bug Those bugs have got unfinished business on earth. I'm surprised. Imagine having to call up the front desk and go,

just need some more linen. What's the largest sheet you've got available? Just bring up a couple of them and they're probably like I'm sorry CEO Jai Singha we'll get something up straight away

I have no idea how desperate I was at that point I was willing to do anything you're desperate enough to have sex with a girl

who's scared of pugs she had legitimate reasons to be Sex with a girl who's scared of pugs. Oh, holy shit. She had legitimate reasons to be. What's the opposite of my strange addiction? My strange allergy? My strange fears. My strange phobia. Bunk beds.

Bunk beds. So she does have a legitimate bunk bed. No, no, no. It wasn't. So when she goes past Captain Snooze, she just freaks out. Okay, so she sees the bunks, feels uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because she goes, this feels like school camp and I'm scared that any moment your mates are going to jump in.

A legitimate fear. That's completely legitimate. One of your mates was waiting in the toilet with a video camera. And another mate ran after your cat. So totally fair enough. And completely fair enough. And so I said, can I buy a hotel room? Like I was willing to like just go, let's just buy a hotel room now.

And she goes, no, no, it's all right. Because you buy hotels your own way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could have been caught, you know, with YHA being seen in the opposition. I was willing to risk it all. You know, the scandal. The Adelaide tabloids could have taken a picture of you doing that.

But you wouldn't have even needed to go to another... Surely they would have a shit room in that hostel that's just a single... It's a really nice hostel. It was really nice. It was just a feeling that there was going to be other people here at some point. And other people had access to a key to get in. Yes. So completely uncomfortable. And is that had access to a key to get in. Yes. So completely uncomfortable.

And is that when you almost fuck up and go, nah, don't worry about it. I've texted my mates and told them I'm about to fuck you, so they're not going to come round. Imagine that. Imagine that. That would have been, that's desperation. That's the end of this, if this is an episode of Freaks and Geeks.

That's how that scenario ends. Because there was no discussion about coming back and interrupting you look at that shit eating green i did mention it i was like we go to the bakery get a pie and walk in while eating a pie so even after you got my text wing it Really? Even after that? It was at the same time. I was like... So we say, okay, well, you know, the moment's all finished. Let's, you know, forget it. Now, I thought now you guys, the four of you guys will be at the bakery. I texted you going, literally 20 minutes after the text of saying, don't come to the hostel, you get a text going, where are you guys now?

We were like, I literally, I think I said, did Dil ejaculate as soon as he walked into the elevator? It's like The Shining, just the elevator doors open and there's this wide wave just flying through. It's so clear, my dad owns the place. Very good Very good Mr. Jive Singer Yes Or Carl and Tommy Just as the twins holding hands

Come play with us, Dil Or working no sex Makes Dil a dull boy Excuse me He is no sex to do a dull boy yeah excuse me here's no sex we go to the we go to the bakery

and now I'm just assuming the four of you are going to be there we go to the bakery and the four of you are there but it's also like half the listeners were there. Are we skipping a vital piece of the story?

No, we're coming. I know where this is. We're coming. But you're right. A good big chunk of the listeners did come with us. And I think we've said this before. It was awesome. Big shout out to people who came down and followed us out.

It was very nice to meet a whole lot of you. Not so nice for her and me. Because we just thought, oh, it's just you four boys at a bakery. But you come in and all the listeners have heard everything that's gone down that night. Making it even more like school camp in that thing where you have the disco on the last night and someone would slip away and then that thing of walking into a room and everyone just being like,

whey! Disco on camp? Well, you know, camps that we went to. He went to a private school. Oh, so,ey. Disco on camp? Well, you know, camps that were not school camp. He went to a private school. Oh, so, yeah. Disco in the city. Yeah, my parents pay a little bit more so that I can get a fucking disco. Did you say a fucking disco or a fucking disco?

A fuck and a disco. I wish my parents had money. Yeah, like a week ago. We cut to the bakery and it's pretty awkward but she was like, that's how cool she was. She was actually really fun

and she laughed it all off and we chatted a bit about it and he was like, oh, I knew it would be fun. Anyway, so... Because you were in shock when you walked in and saw us

but then everyone else. Yeah, I did not expect that. It's stupid of me. I should have realised that there was going to be other people there but anyway. Then we sort of, you know, end things there.

And it turns out, actually this part I don't know whether I should say. You can choose to leave it or leave it not. But we decide to catch up back in Melbourne because she actually lives in Melbourne. And so we meet up on Saturday. And then I come back. Meanwhile, you guys do another podcast at 1 o'clock in the morning. Yep. That's right.

Sorry. So, meanwhile, we finish up at the bakery. We go home. Tommy goes to his place where he's staying. And the three of us, Carl, me and Ben, go back to the hostel. The soiled unit. The soiled unit. Not really.

Who wish it was? Just two bunk beds. Fuck it. And when we walk in, before we go to bed, I tell Ben, I was like... No, no, no. As we walk in, you said, oh, by the way... Yeah, because our listeners would already know I have an issue with borrowing stuff from people and not paying them back.

True, yeah. Yeah, that's why I have an Excel spreadsheet. We walk in to find the mattress of things thrown around the room. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Because she's gone, oh, I feel sorry for nothing happening. Yeah, yeah. I'll make it look like we rooted on every square inch of the hotel room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is how cool she was. She was really fun. And she's just like, it looks so stupid because it's just like the mattress has been just tipped over, which would be like, you just, I don't know. Everything's been knocked over or touched except the bunk. But, sir, that bunk hasn't lived here for nigh on 20 years now. On this very night, 10 years ago, a young Sri Lankan just like yourself got into

a fight with a bunk and brutally stabbed it to death. After that night, I was ready to stab all bunks. I couldn't believe the stumble. Now you've got the bunk phobia. I hate bunks now. But yeah, so the room's a mess. You find it hard to maintain an erection

whilst you can get a bunk from now on. We find it hard to maintain an erection while sleeping in a bunk from now on. But then we go, so he wants to go to bed, and I say to Ben, oh, by the way, just to let you know that I just said, by the way, we had two of your baroccas. That's all I said. You said, okay, we shared a barocca together. No, no, I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. You guys somehow interpreted it as like... Okay, so you had a barocca each. We had a barocca. Well, she had half. Just in case it was a bad batch. And then... But you said it.

Just in case it was a bad batch. And then, but you said it. Because you're on your way to the most sedate rave of all time. The double Connell's bakery that deserves half a Barocca. But you said it. I just said it like, it was like, hey, nothing. But the two of you just started teeing off on me. Because from your perspective, you guys have seen, like, you've invited a girl back to your place.

And then you've gone, oh, let's get things. What do you want, champagne? No, what? Oh, let's pop up a barocca. Are you in the mood? That should be the sound effect. Did you get a bit of... Or did you get a bit of...

I just love it. Because you wouldn't have had it in classes. You would have had it in those tea mugs. Because that was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there you are sitting on bed together in tea mugs with Baraka. Like she could have gone home and gone and her friends have said, oh, you look a bit different.

What happened? You didn't get... Someone didn't give you a date rape, did they? No, actually the absolute opposite. I am feeling so refreshed. Did you have sex? No, Barocca. I just wanted to give her back her BB bounce after.

No, no, you made her bail. Robbie gives you back your BB. I didn't give the Barocca the star. I didn't open with the Barocca. When we were leaving, I said, hey, let's... I didn't open with the Barocca. The way Ben leaving, I said, hey, let's... I didn't open with the Barocca. The way Ben made it seemed like, hey, pop some champagne instead of a champagne. That was your immediate go-to.

If we're not going to have sex, we may as well just have a Barocca. I was trying to salvage the situation. I thought maybe the Barocca might take away the fear of the B-B-Bunker. Yeah, so instead of getting her out, bunker. So instead of getting her out, she has to drink this fizzy barocca while staring at the thing she's scared of. So then, because I wasn't here for any of this, I'm staying at a different place. And then the way I get told it is you, Ben, just go for a walk

for an hour. Well, this is the thing. I've been on this diet, right? and so I've just been eating fresh food. No, and I had that Nutella-infused donut there and I just got these sugar rushes. Like I couldn't – like I was actually shaking at one point. You had more energy than a girl who didn't have sex with Dilrock. Bang.

Were you like her? Did you have half the donut? No, of course you had the whole donut. No, no, no. No, I went for a walk. Past her place. Fucked me. No, I went for a walk.

I just like... No, you went to her place, saw her sleeping on a bunk and then went, yeah, I don't think the bunk was the actual problem. That was just her looking around the room looking for an excuse to not fuck Dil. No, I was dressed as a giant barocca. I'm scared of the sink over there. There's no sink.

Oh, the bunk. Okay. Yeah, no, I couldn't sleep so I just had to walk up to Sugar. This is after an episode where I've spent an hour calling you a disgusting fat fuck. I just was like, nah. And so I walked and walked, walked around with my headphones on, looking like someone who's about to mug someone. Well, because that was the thing we were saying the next day.

Imagine if you had gone missing or whatever, us having to go to the cops the next day and them go, so tell us every single thing that happened in your night. Oh, well, yeah, there was this podcast and there was a barocca and we're at the bakery and there was nearly... You know that triple zero call that you got in the middle of the night about the bunk bed? Thank you.

I can't get anything in. So did Neil Craig. Oh, God. Brutal. Jesus Christ. So, yeah, so I went for the walk. I came back to probably the loudest noise I've ever heard. I got... Oh, the girl kid.

No, no. No, Dil has sleep apnea, has a snoring problem. Which I warned you about, though. Oh, great. That doesn't help me when I'm trying to fucking go to sleep. I slept a total of about an hour and by the end it was just, you've got

a problem. The thing is, which is kind of fair enough, but it was so annoying is that every time you got annoyed with me, you'd wake me up too. Which meant that we're both awake. I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, wake up. You didn't have sex. And then go back to sleep.

No, no, no. You were normal to make jokes. No, I was. You were hating me. I was hanging. This is weird because I didn't hear anything about this the next day. No, but the thing about it was it was that point where I was so tired and I was hating you all so much.

But there were points where I was actually genuinely concerned for your health because you'd be snoring going and then it would just stop you would actually stop breathing

you're concerned for his health you could rule out gonorrhea and a bad smelling cock as my scent you're pretty sure

he wasn't going to have a hangover the next morning. The rocker held there. But yeah, but then you just stop breathing. You actually physically stop breathing. There was a couple of moments I was like, was he going to die? And I was like,

I'll get some sleep. What a terrible night to die. Not only the night where I didn't have sex because of a bunk bed but also in that same bunk that's what i would have said i would have died he died the way he died doing what he wanted not having sex with a girl who's scared of bunk and then you said the next like eternity just going around the hostel with the bunk beds like ghosts going just scaring other couples with bunk beds. Oh, man.

How long have we gone for? Do we have time for? Only five minutes. So, yeah, we've got a little longer to kill. All right. So, I'll try this story. Should we? Because we...

So, we got back and you had organised a date with the girl. Yeah, this is what I was unsure whether it might be. So, this is what we want. We want the follow-up. Yeah, so this is something that we haven't heard about. So, this is on the Tuesday night. You've organised a follow-up date with this girl on the Saturday night. Yeah.

You have kept it well away from any sort of bed stacked on top of another bed, I assume. Yeah, away from all bed stores. I didn't even think of that. But no, we don't have it. We'd had a futon, though. I should have put the futon on. No, she's scared of futons. Yeah, and this is, well, then I sort of texted her on Saturday.

Oh, in between it was her birthday, so I texted her, and she's like, you know, thanks and stuff. Did you get her a present? Not having sex with you was the best present I could have gotten. Just a big barocca. A Red Bull. Send her a Red Bull. A Just a big barocca. A Red Bull. Send her a Red Bull. A cake.

A barocca cake. Yeah, yeah. The candles make a sizzling noise. And then you jump out of it nude. Yeah, there you go. No, and, you know, this is what I wasn't sure whether I wanted to talk about because I texted her on the Saturday and then she just replied saying, hey, look, I'm not sure if I want to, you know,

because I kind of just offer back whatever her personal issues, she said, but I had a lot of fun in Adelaide and let's just leave it there. So the call is out there, ladies and gentlemen. If you know a nice girl. Yep. If you have any sort of feelings for Dilraba, it can be cured with Baraka.

Prevention really is better than cure. Yeah. Must love bunks. But here's what my friend who was at the podcast that night reminded me of a story that I was like, oh, that would have been a good story to tell on the podcast. And now that we've brought this back, I thought maybe I'll try telling you guys here.

This is a story about me and my mate and a bunch of us. We went to Adelaide back in 2009 to watch the Hawks play because we're a big Hawks fan. And they were playing against Adelaide. Just a trip away for the boys to get drunk. And on the Saturday night, we go to a bar. And for whatever reason, I think I can't remember why I said, look, I'm not in the mood to chase girls tonight because I think we tried really hard on Friday and I was just exhausted desperately trying.

Running around the betting store. What did you say? You're exhausted? If I'm just trying to chase girls. You know what you needed. Come on. This was years ago. He hadn't learned yet.

Yeah, he hadn't learned. You're a nightclub. You need to get Like you B-b-b-boner Was I ever so young I hadn't read the game yet To know what to do With Barocca

But Longstreet showed me And said Man we're just hanging out At this bar And two girls approach us And I'm like

I'm not gonna bother trying I'm like gonna be Playing Mr. Cool tonight Which is something I never do Because I'm always Super desperate'm not going to bother trying. I'm going to be playing Mr. Cool tonight, which is something I never do because I'm always super desperate. But I thought for once I'll play Mr. Cool. And this girl, one of them is really into my mate, Elle, and the other girl was this Cuban girl.

I'm looking a little sick here. Was this Cuban girl. And she was like, you know, thick on the accent. And she was talking to me. She's like, oh, my English is not so good, blah, blah, blah. And fast forward two hours later, we've been drinking and dancing with these girls. We get in a cab with these girls, and we're going back to their place. And on the way there, one of them goes, so what are you guys in town for?

I'm like, oh, we're here to see the footy. And the Cuban girl goes, oh, no. I say, she's like, do you guys follow footy? She's like, yeah, yeah, we love Port Adelaide. And I'm like, oh, it's Stewie Jew, who we love. He was from Port Adelaide. And this Cuban girl with the thick accent all night suddenly goes, oh, mate, I fucking love Stewie Jew.

So it turns out she's been putting the accent on for like two hours. So I start freaking the fuck out because I'm like, oh, this is some kind of setup. Like it was just way too easy. The whole night I've been, you know, not even trying and this is just coming so easy. You didn't even have to go on a podcast to get her interested in you. It's too easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't make sense. This doesn't add up. And now we're getting the cab rides like 40 bucks. So I'm like, oh, they're going to steward us for a cab. Like, we're going to get there. They're going to go, no, no, you guys need to go home. And so I actually pay the cabbie 10 bucks extra to say,

hey, can you just hang around here for the next five minutes? And can you go faster because Chandler is gaining on us. No, you haven't met at this point. You're like, it's a weird man behind us. Or you just stop jogging and get to the cab and go, I don't know why I followed this cab. It must have been that drink Jill gave me at the start of the night. I've got all this energy.

I've nearly caught this fat dude with the donut. So we get out of the cab. I paid the cab driver $10. I said, please, please, just hang around here for the next five minutes. I'm not sure what's happening here. It feels a bit sus. Because I'm like, we're in the middle of Norway in some city we're not sure in. And we go in,

my mate Al goes straight away into the one girl's bedroom. And now the Cuban girl takes me to her bedroom. Cuban slash. Cuban slash. But to be fair, we go in. Did she really look Cuban? Yeah, so she. So blonde hair

basically. Classic Cuban. There's a massive... This is where it gets really weird. There's a massive Cuban flag in the room. Turns out her parents are from Cuba or whatever

and she's like, you know, has an affinity to it. But there's also all this tiger memorabilia, like everything. The bedsheets are tiger, skin colour,

and there's like... Just like the animal tiger, not a team or anything. No, no, no, not the Richmond tiger. Sorry, the actual animal tiger and like figurines of tigers and stuff. And a wall of like her with different dudes. I'm not making any of this up. There's a wall with her and a bunch of like different guys, maybe like say eight different guys, just her and just like selfies.

And I go, what's that about? She goes, oh, no, they're just a bunch of my, you know, old boyfriends or whatever that I just like keeping, you know, them close to my heart still. That one in particular, like he and I should be together, but he doesn't know that yet. And I've gone, hell, we got to get out of here. I'm like, I can't.

This is getting too completely bad. He doesn't know that yet. No, he doesn't know. He's with the other girl now. But I'm freaking out going, this is so strange. This is like Hershey saying, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Saying that, oh, yeah, we're meant to be together for the rest of our life.

But he doesn't know that yet. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Oh, right. That kind of stalkerish stuff. Were the newspaper clippings cut out? No, but I was looking for stuff like that. I'm like, this is weird. This is not like...

I have low self-esteem at the best of times. This is really weird. One, she invited me back to her house. Then all the other stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then this is where it shows you how fucking idiot my brain is and my dick is because then she gets naked and jumps into bed. And I've gone, oh, why not?

Because I'm like, well, I'm here already. I might as well go. So all night I've been playing Mr. Cool, right? Just complete composure. But as soon as I get to the bed, I think that nervous energy of holding all that in must have taken over. And I'm not making any of this up

I jumped into bed And her bed snaps in half And this naked girl You didn't need to say any of the nervous energy You could have just said You jumped on a bed and it broke I get the story But then her legs are like over her head

because she's now gone wedged in the middle. Like the bed collapses from my weight. Like a fold-out bed kind of reassembling itself. But it's not a fold-out bed. It's just that the plank's in the middle. She drops. I've somehow managed. So she's stuck?

She's stuck in there. I've somehow managed not to fall in with her. And I know this sounds fake. I know considering what we discussed on the podcast in Adelaide, I know this sounds fake. I know, considering what we discussed on the podcast in Adelaide, I know this sounds bullshit, but honestly, her exact words were at that point, while she's dangling with her legs up in the air, she goes,

you broke my bed, you fat fuck. That's beautiful. Oh, wow. And now is there a selfie of you on the wall? Yeah. I don't know, but it's just like, what is with me in beds? It's like, what's the buzz, man? So has this now led to you having a phobia where you now can't fuck a tiger?

No, it's all the photos. It's like all these guys and then her next to a broken bed. So then what? You just left awkwardly? No, we actually made the bed and we fooled around. It was good. It was a fab...

I didn't die in the end. It was all fine. You still fooled around with her after she's called you a fat fuck? You're there. You're there. I can't agree. I can't You can at least

Off you an aspirin Or something Like a Barocca No we We got like an Alan Key out We were fixing the bed Oh god I can't get my mate Al out

He's obviously Having He's having sex With that other girl So it'd be rude of me To go hey let's get out of here On an untainted bed Like a loser.

Well guys I think that's just about all the time we've got for the little dum-dum club this week. Dilraba Jay Singer, Ben Lomas thank you very much for joining us. Thank you for having us I guess. We need to plug Barocca the YHA hostel in Adelaide.

The Crown and Anchor. Six dollar pints. Lots of condoms. The YHA hostel in Adelaide. The Crown and Anchor. The Crown and Anchor. If you need to take a piss, go do that. Six dollar pints. Lots of condoms. Can we have a reality tour of the time where Dil didn't have sex in Adelaide? Yeah, maybe. Instead of going back to the bakery next time we do a live show, we go back to that exact room.

Yeah. We do the podcast in that room. Of what? Like a ghost tour. Yeah, a ghost tour. This is the ghost of the sex in that room. Like a ghost tour. Yeah, a ghost tour. This is the ghost of the sex that never happened. Everyone will set up the chairs. We'll do it from the bunk bed and everyone sits there and drinks a maraca.

I love it. I love it. Have we got anything else to plug? I'm doing my show at the Melbourne Fringe Festival, Con Air 2, Con Voyage. That's on sale now at melbournefringe.com.au. I always run Thursday nights if you're in Melbourne or if you're visiting always have visitors

from interstate and stuff I run Five Burrows Comedy on Thursday night in Hardware Lane look it up online yep and keep getting on iTunes and stuff leave us reviews

it's been a little while since we've pushed that but yeah do that sort of stuff it really helps give us an email I forgot to mention I wanted to mention

we're in Adelaide I'll be in Adelaide in November so hopefully any of those listeners who are there in Adelaide I'll be in Adelaide in November so hopefully any of those listeners who are there well I'm sure you'll be back on the show

if you don't have sex between now and then do you know the dates exactly but he's not having sex August 1 through 2019 what a great mate no no

wait wait but when you do have sex we'll get the guys back together we'll talk about it 19. What a great mate. No, no. But when you do have sex, we'll get the guys back together and we'll talk about it. Because comics always talk about the stuff they did when they were younger that they regret now. I now already know that I regret this. It doesn't have to wait for 20 year careers. No, tomorrow I'm going to be like, I can't believe that's out in the public domain but no Adelaide's November 2nd to the 9th

and adelaidecomedy.com.au I think is the website where you can see I think it's just.com .com? November 2nd to the 9th oh well we're in Perth on November 2nd as well

oh yeah live show I'm in Perth 23rd, 24th, 25th of October great we'll all be not having sex interstate sounds awesome

well guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you not having sex interstate. Sounds awesome. Well guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next. Broccoli.