The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 204 - Lawrence Mooney & Fiona O'Loughlin

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

Vacuum Chords, Australian Story and "Lehmo!"  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, couple of plugs up the top of the episode for you. First of all, if you are in Perth, we are coming over there Sunday, November the 2nd at Rosie O'Grady's. We are doing a live Little Dum Dum Club recording as well as both of our solo shows from this year's festivals. We're bringing a couple of guests with us and it is going to be heaps of fun. So you can get tickets for that at littledumdumclub.com. We've never been to Perth before to do the show, and we're very, very excited about it. Also, if you're in Melbourne, I have a new show that I've been putting together for the Melbourne Fringe Festival.

It's called Con Air 2, Con Voyage, and it is a live sequel to Con Air. I would love to see as many of you guys there as possible. It's going to be a lot of fun. Tickets for that are on sale now, melbournefringe.com.au, and it starts on September 17. And also in contrast to both of those things, we do need to issue a little bit of a disclaimer for this episode. As you may have been able to guess from looking at who is on it this week, things get a little bit dark. We do talk at length about some pretty dark stuff, namely suicide and alcoholism. And so if those things are any kind of trigger for

you, then maybe sit this one out or at the very least proceed with caution. I think it would be a little bit irresponsible to not put that up the top. And also given that, I believe we do have some kind of responsibility to let you know that if you are in need of support at any time, you can call Lifeline 13 11 14 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So not a disclaimer that we thought we'd ever have to put up the top of the show, but proceed with caution and hopefully if you do go on, you enjoy this episode. Thanks, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. Sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

Now, what's this wrap-up you got for us? Apropos of something we talked about before we started this. No, people heard that. Yeah, okay, fair enough. Apropos. I went to Thailand, as I've talked about on the podcast, I just had a few little grabs that I hadn't got around to, a few little very quick snippets.

Tourism or sex tourism? Is that my inner conscience asking me that? No, that's me. My voice finally dropped. Oh, right. And now it's back. Yeah. It's been a rollercoaster for your puberty, hasn't it?

Yeah, just momentary, but I enjoyed it a great deal. You're about five years off. That's dodgy, going to Thailand. Oh, yeah. And now you're back to normal, that voice again, Tommy. I've gone higher. They haven't introduced us, so we're not going to talk. Oh, yeah, and now you're back to normal, that voice again, Tommy. I've gone higher. They haven't introduced us, so we're not going to talk. Let's do the introduction.

Yeah, okay. Well, joining us, first of all, you know him as the host of Dirty Laundry Live. It's Lawrence Mooney. Yes. And also the first lady of Australian comedy, upcoming on Australian Story. Can we say that? Yeah, yeah.

It's Fiona O'Loughlin. Hello, boys. If you're the first lady, does that mean you're married to the President of Comedy? Who's the President? And who is the President? Who's the King? No, the President.

Oh, the President. The King is Graham Kennedy. Lauren, you're going to embarrass yourself because I truly, in my heart of hearts, believe it's you. Boo. I would have said Hilsey, but anyway. Maybe Fleety. Yeah.

Fleety. Fleety. Somebody whose sobriquet ends with an E. I would have said you. You two were the... I was thinking about that on the way here. I would have thought you two were the Enfant Terrible of Australian comedy. Enfant Terrible.

What's that mean? The terrible infants. The naughty children. The naughty children. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of Australian comedy. Ifant terrible. What's that mean? The terrible infants. The naughty children. The naughty children. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess we are. I'm edgy, though. You're... You're a hack.

Anyway, you're on. No, I was thinking about that the other day, about what is it... Like, I physically have to stay alive. Like, I have to not... You were just thinking that the other day. No, it's not.

Wow. That's a real get out of bed thought, isn't it? I have to physically stay alive. No, it's not. Actually, I'm free to die because I've got life insurance, right? So I'm free to die. How would you top yourself? No, I would never top myself.

Really? Never. Because of Catholicism or because of your ego? No, because I've got no reason to top myself. I've tried it. I've done it three times. All right, guys, let's save the plugs for the end of the episode. Yeah, let's save the plugs.

Spoiler alert. That's bullshit. I've got no reason to top myself because I've tried three times. How did you get that? When you have a dead set go at suicide. Have a real crack. Have a real crack. It's like, and when it doesn't work, it's like you've played that card.

It's a piss week. Oh, so you're bulletproof now. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I've played the card. I can't play that card again. I tried to kill myself once. Did you? Yeah.

Really? I was over a girl and it was like a tantrum kind of a thing. Oh, yeah. And I don't know whether it was a serious attempt because I put a belt around... Her neck. Around her neck and killed her. That's not suicide, that's murder.

Sorry, I get all confused. What's that? That's not suicide, that's murder Sorry I get all confused Yeah, sorry Totally confused No, I was at a country hotel I got really pissed Yeah Which is a bad

And you were a comedian at the time? What's that? No, not a comedian I was a customs officer at the time So I had a reason to be depressed And put a belt around a shower rail in the bathroom and jumped off it and the shower rail just ripped straight off the wall. And so I'm on the floor of the bathroom with a shower rail belted to my neck

and just pissing myself laughing. And went home with this kind of big, looked like a massive hickey, but like a big purple line across my neck. And people were like, what the fuck did you do? I was like, ah. I forgot to say to myself this morning, I have to stay alive today. I reckon that must happen pretty frequently in country motels. I reckon they'd be going through shower rods pretty frequently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a big box of them ready to go. Well, I said to the guy behind the counter, I said, sorry, mate, but the shower rail's fallen off the wall. And he's looking at my neck, he went, no worries. No worries. Is it the new thing with hotels? You screw them in really lightly because it's like...

It's like you can't get the windows open over a certain floor. The rails are always, like like not bolted in properly. Well, if I had jumped out of the window of this hotel, being a flag in in country Victoria, I would have got grazed. I don't think that could kill you. You could have got carpet burn on your knees. I remember...

You just jumped out the window. This guy really wants to go. I had a cracker hanging the same day as I tried the other thing. But it was so funny because it was... Like, I could hear my family in the next room. Like, Mum had flown over and I'd fallen off the wagon again. Like, basically, I think some suicides are just... Like, I know mine was attempted suicide,

was basically you cannot face the mess you've made. It's like, you're just going to check out. Like, it's too hard. You've made so much mess. You don't know how to fix it. So how about we just... So they were all busy talking. I knew I had to...

They were talking about rehab and blah, blah, blah, whisper, whisper, whisper. Meanwhile, I'm in the bedroom and I've got this really bullshit vacuum cleaner that I bought. It's just this tiny little weak thing. I'm trying to guess where this goes.

I've got a clue. You didn't say string yourself up. Mrs O'Loughlin in the pantry with the vacuum cleaner. No, I'm in my bedroom with the vacuum cleaner. I wrap the cord around it. No way. The cord? Yeah, the cord in the back.

And then you hit the retract. It just dragged you off the the cord in the back. And then you hit the retract. Yes. It just dragged you off the bed and across the floor. And so someone walks in and finds you hanging and goes, housekeeping. It's in my house. So I hooked it up to the door knob and I was just like, oh, fuck. This isn't going to work.

It was just ridiculous. The cord was wrapped around my legs and I just couldn't. It was just not working. But it is a perfect set up for autoeroticism. Did you rub one out while you were there? I just don't have that. It was set to suck. Oh, shit.

That would have looked like I was some kind of deviant. No, it would have looked like you were a cool rock star. No. With a vacuum cleaner. I don't know. That wouldn't have looked cool. Fiona, can you remember the brand of vacuum cleaner, just in case they're listening and Mark gets a sponsorship dollar off him? Yeah, it's definitely a Hoover.

Oh, great. Hoover, if you're out there, if you're listening. Well done. You saved a great comedian's life. So then I thought just with your shoddy product. When was the last time you masturbated? And I would say probably 1995. How much would it surprise you if I said never?

It wouldn't at all. Yeah. Because I know you're incredibly prudish. No, it's like when you… What if I said to you that both of your attempts were successful and we're here in the afterlife? Oh, awesome. That is the ideal afterlife.

If the afterlife is the Imperial Hotel and I've got a pint. Doing a podcast. Just a podcast that goes for eternity. With you three. That's fine. So you bought that pint and that actually has to last you for eternity

and you've drunk it a bit quickly. You're three quarters through. Well, actually, I finished it before and it just filled up a bit quickly. You're three quarters through. Well, actually, I finished it before and it just filled up on its own. It really is heaven. Because God's here

but he's an urn. So we've started on a pretty light note. Yeah, pretty light note. Topping yourself. Yeah, boy, I'm glad we did suicide instead of hearing

about your little holiday stories in a tropical paradise. Jeez. Everything is going to seem pretty trivial from now on, isn't it? So... But I love the way comics react to stuff like that because after the vacuum cleaner cord didn't work,

I went and booked into... I snuck out the back door and left them talking about me going to rehab and went to... You bring up Hoover, start complaining. Start complaining. Your product is shit. So you were hell-bent on killing yourself this day. So I went to a chemist, got Googled what I needed to...

Do you have to get Googled from a chemist? No, no. You know fuck all about the internet. Googled how much I needed of the drug that I was going to go out with. Booked into this crappy hotel that I have to look at every day and I actually laugh in its face. It doesn't make me go. I know the hotel and some sinister shit has happened in that hotel.

I booked in under two. What is the site, neckyourself.com? No, no, it's just. It's just how many tranquilizers you need to make sure the lights go out and you don't end up retarded. Unfortunately. Boo. But I booked myself into this hotel as June Northern for some reason. You need to know.

I'm June Northern. What's June Northern? Because you don't want the paparazzi to come in and find you. No, I just wanted it to take longer for my family to find me. So, yeah, fair enough. So I've booked in under June Northern. So you're a bit deco when they finally find you. I have no...

It's a sweet parting gift. Yeah. Jamie and Callum... June Northern is such a shit pen name. June Northern is never going to win any literary prizes. Well, see, that's why we love... This is booked by June Northern. It's like when any literary prizes. Well, see, that's why I love it. This book by June Northern is appalling. It's like when you check in, they're like, name June Northern,

and they're like, oh, well, obviously you're here to kill yourself because what kind of a life you must have with that name. That's like the Alan Smithy when you make a bad movie. I'm going to go June Northern myself. Oh, God. So funny. Oh, God. So funny. That is great. And now I'm just going to jump straight to...

Hi, I'm June Northern. Make it quick, lady. Do it in the shower so your bodily fluids just... I hereby rename the Westgate Bridge to June Northern Bridge. The June Northern Bridge. Well, when Damien Callanhan came to visit me in rehab, right, the first thing he said, and this is why. The first thing he said was,

can I write a Comedy Festival show about this? The first thing he said. The first thing he said was June. He said. June. Smarten up. Fiona, I really want to know. I'm really interested in June's backstory.

Oh, really? And so we are just, and we were roaring laughing coming up with June's backstory. You should do June as a character. June, she's not very exciting. She's not very good at June. Not very good at her job. Jesus Christ. You should do June as a character.

No, no, she shouldn't. Do you know what happened to June? Not very good at it. Jesus Christ. You should do June as a character. No. No, she shouldn't. You've seen through me. Yeah, yeah. What if every night of the comedy festival you try and kill yourself? Just take a bottle of scotch, a bottle of pills, and do the June Northern Comedy Hour. Hang on.

Wait to see if Moosehead will pay for the pills and the noose. June Northern one night only. It'd just be great you're on a bed just June Northern. Hang on. Geoff Kennett from Beyond Blue

is bashing down the door trying to tell us to stop this podcast. Geoff Kenn, Jeff Kennett from Beyond Blue is bashing down the door trying to tell us to stop this podcast. Jeff Kennett being the patron of Beyond Blue, that's funny. The man that caused more depression in this city in five years than anyone in history. And has a head like a horse. Yeah.

And he's just a depressing malevolent presence, like a black hole that sucks the fucking life out of you. Hi, Jeff. I don't know enough about Jeff Kennett to get in on. He's an awful, awful man. Right. Okay. So are we going to hear these Thailand stories or what?

Oh, man. I don't know. They're so trite in comparison to the heaviness we've been talking about. Well, people actually, you know, go on suicide tourism too.

I said before, sex tourism, they just go, do you know what? I don't want my family to have to deal with this. Yeah, right.

I'm going to a resort. I'm going to live it up. I'm going to do Mai Tais and then I'm going to pill out at a fucking moon festival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they do. Mai Tais And then I'm going to Pill out At a fucking Moon

Festival Yeah yeah yeah And They do Suicide tourism And that's exactly what I did And here's the story No

No Nothing like that at all Suicide tourism Doesn't include Being fucked to death By a lady boy. That was one little thing of what I was going to say. There was actually lady boys over there that were wearing guest T-shirts.

Right. Like it sounds like, you know, like guest a brand. It sounds like a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were legitimately unironically wearing guest T-shirts as a ladyboy. Ah. Which I thought was probably not as funny as the suicide stuff we were talking about. I love transgender. I am fascinated by it.

I'd love to have sex with a ladyboy. Yeah. Yeah, totally. And people go, man, it's just a dude with boobs. It's like, no, you don't understand the complexities of my sexuality. So explain them. Well. The complexities.

It's like there's a, it's just a kind of so different, so unique. And the whole feminine thing and then there's the cock. It's like, it's amazing. I like, because I'm... And hey to my wife. And also, my mother-in-law also listens to every podcast I'm on. She seriously does. She goes, oh, I listen to that, the Dumb Dumb Club

and, you know, Green Guide Letters. Yes, they're very interesting. So, hi, Chris, if you're listening. She's a very broad-minded woman. I've had to, like, completely metamorphose my... Not overhaul my... Your vocabulary, by the sound of it. My indoctrination.

Like, one of my kids was going out with a guy, right, and I've gone, well, why don't you just have sex with someone else? Just to see. Oh, really? Yeah, and she goes, what? Are you telling me to cheat? And I'm like, well, A, we're not in an episode of Bold and the Beautiful.

Cheat, that's an American word. I have a real issue with the word cheat. It's just pathetic. It suggests that a whole lot of rules have been made. Unless you've had that conversation. Shirley MacLaine said, she was asked once, what was it?

The most overrated sin. And she said definitely infidelity. She said definitely infidelity. I'm not prepared to finish a long relationship and I'm not prepared to finish a long relationship, and I'm not using this as a justification because I'm an infidel, but I'm not prepared to end a long relationship purely on the basis

of someone fucking somebody else. No. That's just not on. There's so much crueler things that can be done to a person. And if my wife had sex with somebody else, I'd go, well, all right, where are we? Rather than, that's it, I'm packing up me bag and I'm going. Yeah, yeah. I'm putting me bomber scarf and me books,

I'm putting me bomber scarf and me loony books in a bag and I'm fucking off. As humans, we've chosen that card to be the, you know, the trump card. It's weird when you go for a massage, you know, would you like an all-over body massage? Yeah. So why aren't you touching my balls and my cock?

I want them massaged too. And that's actually where I hold a lot of my stress. So... Your balls and your cock. I've just seen into some sort of dystopian future where Lawrence Mooney has risen to power and just the way society works now. I like the idea.

That's where you've got your stress. You're taking Panadols and that going, oh, my balls are feeling a bit worried. That's why I'm taking a few pills. Well, my dystopian future, well, it's not a dystopian future. My utopia is people don't have to declare their sexuality. And I understand why gay men need to say I'm homosexual and lesbian women need to because they are discriminated against.

But really, sexuality is a shifting sand. To pigeonhole yourself at 12 or 13 and go, I'm a heterosexual, that's it for me. Yeah. This is all I do. You know, sometimes I want to bang a house plant. I'm looking forward to seeing all this out of context tomorrow on tvtonight.com.au.

Yeah, well, the conundrum is, though, when you're an indoctrinated Catholic and you've had all this mess in your head and then you finally – I mean, I'm the slowest learner. Thank God I got to 51 and I've worked this out. I'm just like, oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. There is no God that goes – that builds people with these sexual organs that just want to get together but the rules are you're only allowed to pick one.

Yeah. Like, blah, bullshit. Like, crazy. And I lived under that rain. Yeah Like Bullshit Like Crazy And I lived under that rain It's too late for me But I can save my children We enter relationships And it's like

I will get whores out of them I take whores regularly I take them I can't wait to be Live to be 80 90 something And tell my great-grandchildren. Have you ever posed this question to yourself?

What? How many sex worker years have I got left in me? Because I was quite a good-looking young man. I could have made a lot of cash. I was slim. I was attractive. I could have actually gone. I could have done some transvestism.

But my sex worker years, I think they're over. No, I think you've gotten a boost where if you quit comedy, you'd get a bit of an initial kind of burst out of the thrill of, you know, and then once that wore off, you'd go straight But who are my clients? Am I attracting an older man or a younger woman or some animal? They talk in Hollywood, they say there's A-list actors or actresses that escort just for the thrill of it. They don't need the money, but they will be prostitutes just for the thrill of it.

So there is a mark. Yeah, I've heard. Who says this and who about? Google at the chemist. The best kind of Google. That's where, I mean, there's a lot of Google online, but if you want your really good Google... Pharmaceutical Google.

Yeah. When you get there and they're like, oh, it's just the name... Is the name brand Google or do you just want the generic stuff? You need a prescription for this, Google. Yeah. This is the heavy stuff.

I went to a chemist recently to get some codrel and was told to get original or classic codrel and I had to have photo ID. Yes, that's new. Because of the pseudo-ephedrine. Oh, right. You have to have photo ID and there's a data bank for who's buying codrel. Yeah, they're doing it with codeine as well. Yeah, so hold on.

So everyone's a fucking suspect. Yeah, so hold on. So everyone's a fucking suspect. Yeah, right. You know, I'm a well-to-do chap at my pharmacy in the high street. Potential prostitute. Potential sex worker with a bend for transgender, tight lady boys. I'm clearly congested. With what?

Who knows? I've got a guitar on my chest. I want some cod rules. I'm clearly congested. With what? Who knows? I've got a guitar on my chest. I want some cod rolls. I'm on ABC too. And she goes, have you got photo ID? And I didn't. And I just arced up. I went, oh, fucking great.

Oh, did you? And she just turned away and just started phoning someone. That's all you said was just the words fucking great. Because I knew what the story was. I was talking to everyone in earshot. So I went outside. My wife was with the dog and child and I said, we need photo ID so you've got to go in and buy them.

And so she had the photo ID, paid for the Codrell set and are you buying them for him? It's like, oh, well, it's none of your business. I want me cod rules. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I've got a meth lab in the backyard and I'm cooking up some sweet eyes. Breaking Mooney. I used to know a guy and and you guys both know him,

but we won't name who it is. Greg Fleet. Oh, yeah. God got me. He would make me... Chris Bennett. Please. He would make me go around to chemists and buy...

I'm naming all the people I know who have smoked eyes. What, mate? You go to all the chemists and get him? It's going to be so much work for me later on when I have to edit this. Get him what? We would be hanging out and he would get me to go around to all the local chemists and buy him codeine because he was bad. Yeah, you know who it is.

But I was like 19 at the time and didn't quite get it. He was just like, hey, I want it and I can't get it. You just go get it for me. And I'd go, okay. And I'd go in and they'd go, and he would like coach me about what to say. And I'd go, oh yeah. So did you know what it was for? I may not know who that is, but is the person that you're talking about, not that I want to find out who the person is, was he using it just as codeine for himself or was he going

home and making it into something else? He was just using it for the codeine. Right. Yeah. He was addicted to the codeine in it. Well, downside there, very constipated young man. Oh, really? That's what I've since found out, yeah. Oh, codeine bones you up like there's no tomorrow.

Do you know what I found really bones you up too? Green shakes. I've been doing like these. Seriously, I would have thought the opposite. I would have thought. What's in a green shake? Like codeine? Celery, loads of codeine,

a lot of cod rule. Apple, celery, spinach, ginger, like, you know, a lot of green

and all of a sudden I need a lot of water to push that through. Anyway, sorry, I cut you off. This just made me think of this. I've been seeing a lot of stuff recently on, like, you know,

the current affairs shows where they're obsessed with the supermarkets ripping us off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got about four of them a week. It's so boring. They are. But in the ads, when they do the actual story, the reporter's always standing in the middle of the supermarket,

throwing it to camera. How are they getting through the front door? Yeah, yeah. Like, what's the con to get in there? Because you'd have to get permission to film it. So you'd have to be like, sorry, we're just doing a story about how shit you guys are. Is that cool? I only just realised that the other day.

It's like, do the supermarkets, maybe they just think, well, it's still the company on the telly and a lot of people probably don't care anyway. Yeah, yeah. It's still some sort of ad. Is there a psychology to it or? Stand in front of the grapefruits and they're not selling. They're probably just lying to the supermarket just going. Yeah, they're saying

how great you guys are. But you're just going to do a story on shoplifters and people trying to ruin your business. I know what they'd say. They'd find one product in that store that's cheaper than Woolworths and say yeah, we're just comparing. Oh, we're just comparing. Oh, we're doing a story about how your competitors are sharing.

I love how the stamp comes down on those stories. Oh, the best. Oh, yeah, yeah. Important. Talking about stories, let's get into a touch upon you are the subject, Fiona, of Australian Story coming up, the grand tribute of Australia to be on ABC1 Australian Story, it's going to be your life

story. Monday night has just always been Australian Story night for me Really, do you watch it? I've watched it a lot and I've got some favourites and I mean they and I've been interviewed for your Australian Story, if you didn't know when I buried you

I said this she is a fucking piece of work she's a real cow she's had a two foot fat she should be on sunrise she's a cash cow and I said to the producer

I love the formula. And people in TV, when they hear, oh, you think there's a formula, her eyes rolled back in hatred. And I said, because it's a good person. There's a good person who's done great things, then a terrible thing happens to them, and then they recover, and they do good things, and I'm not worthy, and it's beautiful. And it's always pretty amazing.

But I use it as a way to weep on a Monday night. Really? I know that it's just going to bring on tears because, like, you've had a serious pill on Saturday night. Oh, yeah. Your serotonin's just gone and you need to purge. You're at the footy. You've taken maybe one and a half pills.

Do you reckon that's why they've put it on Monday night? Thinking about the Saturday night pill head mark? So you can just weep. When you get your little thing with your little pills of ecstasy in it, there's a little flyer in there for Australian Story on Monday night. Can you get one of those? Can you get an Oz story pill these days? Can you get a...

Do you know what we will be able to... Just quickly, just an aside, but we will actually be able to tell our grandchildren, Lawrence, that, God, you should have been around when Ekis were good. Is this what you say on Australian stories? Is this part of it? It's an Australian story about ecstasy and you're just a talking head on it.

Yeah, it's just me and my... I was... Obviously they wanted to do the, you know, the booze. I said to them, look, I will happily talk about alcoholism so long as it's a B story and the incongruity of, you know, stand-up, this woman wishing... All I want to do is headline in a Melbourne comedy club. That's as far as I thought comedy went.

And, yeah, kind of achieving that from Alice Springs. From Alice Springs. The kind of thing that strikes me is why? Why did you want to do that? Because I was stuck. Bored out of your fucking mind. I was, but I feel bad about that by saying, you know, Alice Springs certainly isn't, there must be very,

very funny people in Alice Springs, but I didn't have access to very many funny people. Well, you were busy with five children for a start. Yeah, but I was a very social person. Right. And I have, since I was born, just wanted to know where the funny is and listen to the funny. And there was fucking no funny. Right.

And then I remember saying like... Yeah, you are a ready laugher. You want to laugh. Yeah. And I was like a bitter old Virginia Woolarf once after a dinner party and Chris had asked me why I'd, you know, got so drunk and I said, well maybe if someone else is prepared to say

something funny for a change I wouldn't have to drink a whole bottle of fucking vodka. You know, like, but I, it was kind of like I was always... Too little, too late, you annoying fuck. When you drink, do you turn into Cruella de Vil, by the way? Only with my husband I did in the end, yeah.

And really bad stuff. And because comedians, he used to say to me... When I was talking about you on Australian Story, and maybe this is a reflection on my own drinking, but I said I can't really remember Fiona drinking. I know she drinks vodka and I know that we've been drunk together, but I can't picture her with a glass in her hand constantly somewhere. So I reckon that a lot of your drinking was private.

Yeah. Who I feel sorry for out of all this is Greg Fleet. He must be looking at this going, what am I going to do? Where's my Australian story? What am I going to do? is Greg Fleet. He must be looking at this going,

where's my Australian story? What am I going to do? Greg's not the only comedian in this country that thinks they should have an Australian story about them. Well, I also realised, though, that there was something under my nose the whole time, is that, and I was very intolerant to alcoholics. I had an alcoholic uncle uncle and it was like... Who hasn't.

Yeah, who hasn't. But he used to go from family to family in, like, and he turned up at my place in Elm Springs once and Chris didn't know that, he didn't know it. There's so many uncles. He didn't know about this uncle. And he thought he was normal, right? And I was out doing a show and Chris was sick

and this alcoholic uncle goes, oh mate, like Chris really had gastro he said, oh mate, you put yourself to bed I'll look after the kids Chris put himself to bed thinking that this guy's while he drank

everything in the house, like everything he could find. From the sherry to the, you know, cooking sherry to the everything. And I get home about 10 o'clock. There's three kids out on the front porch. It's the middle of winter. Why are they out on the front porch?

Did he try to drink them? He locked them out of the house. Right. So he could get on with his drinking and he was passed out on the flat like all fours just passed out in the living room and poor old Chris is just like I had

no idea. And it's like no that's how. The proper alcoholics though when you, because I went to I went to group for a while because I was concerned about my drinking and you know you get up and you tell your story I went to group for a while because I was concerned about my drinking. And, you know, you get up and you tell your story, your drinking story. And you go, I did this and that.

And everyone goes, oh, yeah, thanks for sharing. And then you sit down. And then somebody stands up and tells a real drinking story and shames your drinking into insignificance. This woman who did the train spotting, I went and bought, you know, four weeks of groceries. I'm going to lock myself away in my own house and just go cold turkey. She got all the booze out of the house and she said a few days in, I just started drinking.

My husband had left and I started drinking his aftershave. I drank all the aftershave. I drank all the aftershave. I drank all my perfume and I drank anything else that had vague alcohol in it. And I woke up on the floor. This is such a great ad for Old Spice with an Old Spice bottle in my hand that I just fucking necked and passed out. It's like Old Spice. The taste of freedom. There's places, Alkyskodu, that are beyond, like this uncle

of mine, he'd just moved from house to house and I remember he went to cousins in Perth and he stayed as long as he could. But then unfortunately he did a shit in their wardrobe and he had to be moved on. It always ends up with them doing a shit, not in a toilet.

My housemate is quite a big drinker. I wouldn't say alcoholic, but he drinks, I reckon, every night of the week. He gets pretty shit-faced. He's like 36. He started, he kept losing his house key and having to climb in the window. So what he did was he made a necklace that just had his key on it. So he'd just wear his house key around like a necklace

so he'd stop losing it. The other night I'm sitting up... Like a dog. Yeah, like a dog. So I'm sitting up the other night doing some work. Was that all he wore? Yeah, nude apart from a little key chain necklace. And half an erection.

Nude with his key and then you start drinking and go out and go drunk shopping and wake up with different clothes on. Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, this is him. So he, the other night, I was sitting up late doing some work, that one in the morning, and I heard him kind of moving down the side of the house. So what kind of work were you doing? Oh, I was just writing.

Just writing some jokes. Just drafting like a plan for a house. Set up, Skaggs. Just planning some tweets. Doing some work. So batting off to porno. Batting off to your housemate wearing nothing but a cape. Just up doing a bit of work at 1.30.

Shut up. What a weird life me and my housemate lead all of a sudden. What a strange duo we are. So I hear him sort of come down the side of the house and he then appears. And I sort of, I presume it's him, but it takes him five minutes. I can hear him moving through the bushes to get all the way down the side of the house and then, you know, leading into our backyard.

And I'm just going, I kind of almost hope this isn't him. Because if this isn't him, this is the most spectacularly bungled break-in of all time. So he appears in the backyard. I let him in and he's just off his head. And he goes, I lost my key slash necklace. I'm like, oh, yeah, what have you been doing? He goes, I was over on the south side. I was at a concert. And I go, oh yeah, what have you been doing? He goes, I was over on the south side. I was at a concert.

I go, what was the band? He goes, I can't remember. I go, hang on a minute. Weren't you seeing Bob Dylan tonight? He goes, I was with Bob Dylan. How do you get that pissed that you've forgotten that you saw Bob Dylan?

That blew me away. There's levels of it and that's – he's getting very close to – what is it? Alcoholism. No, no. Blackout. Yeah, there's one before Blackout and it's – I can't remember. Is that the level of alcoholism, like the bigger, the more famous musicians that you forget that's how drunk you are? Yeah, exactly.

Like when you're starting off, you're forgetting E17. The members of Jet, Jet, and then gradually you're forgetting Bob Dylan. Yeah, he's damaging his cerebellum. Yeah, and I had to for a while go in and like be a retard and put blocks together and they were monitoring how much damage I'd done to my frontal lobe. Oh, really? Yeah, because with that many...

I'm so glad you finished that sentence. You went, how much damage I'd done to my... What is it when you damage? What is it you damage with drink? Frontal lobe. So, how much damage? Well, I had a mild brain injury. You've got an acquired brain injury.

I've got an acquired brain injury. But it's a year, over a year now, since like total sobriety over a year, right, even though I've been saying I was sober for five years. But I was secretly drinking every now and then, going on a bender and blacking out. Anyway, so I do have some damage, but there is... Fortunately, I got knocked out on a tram a couple of weeks ago and I got a CAT scan.

That is fortunate. Well, it's great to get a CAT scan of your brain. And I said to the doctor, I said, can you see any um and she said look I know your history because she's been my doctor all day and she'd read my notes and um she said I know your history this has come back normal from the lab but if you are to look a bit closer yes there is some shadowing a little bit of Like the brain shrinking Recession Recession

Tiny tiny bit But she says nothing to worry about You should have got a photo So you're still right to be a comedian Yeah As you've got to really injure it quite badly Before you can't get on stage I got knocked out on a tram the other day

And swear into a microphone And I was going to make a joke there And just tell the whole story again. You see, the joke there would have been that I was pretending that I see. It would have been quite fun. But there's lots of other things we can talk about. But the other thing, no, getting back to the same story. You were knocked out on a tram, though.

You slid along the tram. Like a bullet. Right. Boom. Right. That was fun. I would have liked it if you'd taken a photo of your brain scan and put it up on Facebook in the same way that people put their ultrasounds

when they're having a bit. Exciting news, guys. Yeah. I'm expecting to not know any of your names. Look at him kicking around in there. Yeah, very luckily it won't worsen. Providing I don't drink. You stay off public transport.

Drink three bottles of vodka a day. How many bottles of vodka were you up to? I reckon, oh, I don't know, between two and three. But this is only in a bender. Burton at his peak peak was I was drinking three bottles of vodka a day And of course Does he talk freely about it? Well he's dead now But yeah

Oh Richard Burton I thought you were talking about Moonface Oh Bert No no Richard Bert Newton That nickname for him that no one has Burton No I was never functioning on that

No no But Richard Burton was up to three bottles of vodka a day and he woke up one day and he was very, very ill and he said I feel terrible. It must be the cigarettes.

I'm going to give up smoking. That'll be better. Well, how did this go? I'm fascinated by the idea of if you had an Australian story, what sort of, what direction, what would people say about you or what would, what could they draw out of the shadows that you wouldn't talk about anyway? Seriously, I have nothing to offer in terms of the scope of how Australian story works

where somebody is a remarkable human being and often something terrible happens to them and then they have this redemption and then go on. Or an accident. They're high achievers. Like what about that gorgeous woman? They have a remarkable story. She lost both her arms in a farming accident.

Do you remember that one? No. They were newlywed. She's the most beautiful girl and they live out in the middle of nowhere and both her arms got ripped off by a harrow or a… Oh. You could do that because you could go all through your career, then it hits the white room, so then it's down, and then you come back.

You're like doing your laundry life. I bounce back. Yeah. He was Denise Drysdale's sidekick. He was the star of Mick's sidekick. He was the star of Mix 1 at 1.1, Loz, Michelle and Des. And then the White Room wiped him out. Get the current affairs stamp on wipe out. Imported.

Would still be better promo than the White Room got back in the day when it was actually on. And then I bounced back with a show on ABC2. Mum's reaction to you yesterday. Your mum really likes to make a fuss of me. All of a sudden. Come here Lawrence, give me

a big hug. Meanwhile when I I've asked her to do, you know, will you be on Australian, well they don't think they're coming here. And what's the story about? Like, just – and it's really embarrassing to make you answer that question. Like, Mum, you know what Australian story is.

You know, don't pretend. And she's just very difficult about it. And then she sees – she's difficult about my whole career, really. Right. Well, it's a classic mother daughter scenario I carry on with a lot of nonsense but your mum's

probably you know a little bit self obsessed and she's a little bit megalomaniacal and so she's jealous of the fact that you're getting a lot of exposure you know that mother daughter thing it's difficult to write I think she's probably very jealous of the fact that you're getting a lot of exposure. You know, that mother-daughter thing, it's a difficult terrain.

What's Alice's? I think she's probably very jealous of the fact that you're quite successful. What did your mother do for her career? She was really, really bright, Mum, but she decided to go nursing instead. She could have become a scientist or a mathematician. Really? Yeah, and it's really weird because we're all arty, the seven of us. Or not the seven.

But also kind of like, you know, you replicated her life. She was remote. She was a farmer's wife, raised six children. Seven, yeah. Seven. Well, six and a half. Emily's a bit clunky. We're not sure about Em.

Yeah. You know, that clunky one at the end. Yeah. Not fully retard, but no one's going to marry them. No one's going to marry them. No one's going to marry them. Fire stokers, we call them. She does drag her left foot a bit. Friend of the show, Emily Tahini, for people listening.

Ronnie Chang's girlfriend on It's A Date. Oh, yeah. Fire stoker. What does fire stoker mean? We used to have all these cousins. Oh, Jesus. Fire stokers were the clunky ones at the end. Why are they stoking fires?

Because they had the wherewithal to put the kettle on and stoke the fire. And that's it. And that's what Irish families used to call their clunky younger. They used to get a job in the post office. The youngest of about 14. Right. You know, you've thrown the dice so many fucking times. Oh, yeah, right.

And then. Yeah, the double helix can't hold up forever. What about this? Interesting. Yeah, the double helix can't hold up forever. What about this interesting, I think it's interesting, that the lengths Catholics will go to? In my era, like my mother's era,

they all had what's called the Catholic hysterectomy. So it's against the church, because before that, in the 60s and 50s... No contraception. No contraception. So you're seeing families of 12 and 14, you know, that kind of family. And then in the 70s and the 80s, we were seeing just fives, sixes and sevens. So my mum had a hysterectomy at 37. Everybody had a hysterectomy at 37. So what they did was they were seeing Catholic doctors who,

so you can't say put on a sheath, as my grandmother used to call it. You can't roll a sheath on. Or have your tubes. That's all against the church. But what isn't against the church is a Catholic doctor saying, oh, that uterus is looking very tired. We'll cut. So you can cut an organ out.

Isn't that insane? You can gut a woman, but you can't give her the pill. Jesus Christ. My girlfriend babysits for a family near us, like a two-year-old and a three-year-old, and that's kind of, for the man who's maybe a bit nervous about

potentially having kids in the future and you know doesn't know if that's going to be an issue in his relationship I'd recommend getting your girlfriend to do babysitting because it's great for that kind of thing like my girlfriend will just come home and go not yet fuck ever having them like the other day I met up with her

she was with them in a cafe and she goes can you just go in and get the food so I can just stay here with them and I go sure and she goes they just, can you just go in and get the food so I can just stay here with them? And I go, sure. And she goes, they just want these mini cupcakes. There's a chocolate one and a strawberry one. Just get them, you know, one of those each. And I go, great.

I go, I order it. The cupcakes come out and I've ordered the wrong cupcakes. I've ordered the small ones, but there's smaller ones than them. And the kids are cracking the shits because the cupcakes aren't small enough. And you're just sitting there going, I can't, like, fuck this, fuck ever doing this. But then it's that thing where I hang out with her and the kids that she babysits and I realise it's that thing where people look at the four of us and go, oh, look at this happy family, which then it was me at a cafe and I just went and the kids are going fucking

ape shit and I was only there for five minutes because I was going off to do something in the city and so then I just go, oh well I gotta go, see ya. And just knowing all the people at the cafe, just watching that going, how's this fucking champion? The stakes get high and he just bails. He fucked the cupcakes and then he's off. Yeah

I just look like a guy who's gone, oh well you deal with my mess love, see ya. I can't even get cupcakes right, there's no use me being here. Yeah, but I just that being your whole life, I just look like a guy who's going, ah, well, you deal with my mess, love. See ya. Yeah, I can't even get cupcakes right. There's no use me being here. Yeah, but I just... I'll tell you what. That being your whole life, I just... When you say, fuck this shit,

it's a little bit more high stakes when you're with your own family and you look at your wife and you just go, fuck this shit, what have we done? And we're not just going to have one, are we? We're going to have another one. This is how you know young people. You know it's over, right,

when the physicality of your partner makes you sick. You're done. Jesus. You can't come back from that. Yeah. You know when you hated someone at school or something and everything about them, you know, that's when – The first time I abandoned, though, I didn't hate my partner's physicality.

It was just like, I'm out. I'm fucking – and, you know, I've started again. I've gone back to the well. I'm married and I've got another child. And it's like the trouble is you can't abandon a second time because it reflects badly on you. Yeah, it's like – So I you can't abandon a second time because it reflects badly on you. Yeah, it's like... So I'm stuck now.

This is it. It's going to turn up on your IMDB. You just can't run out now. No, I can't go now. We used to have this self-protecting mechanism in Alice Springs. We were called the Witches of Eastside, right? There was about seven of us and we didn't know each other that well but everyone was asked to bring a friend and it was always at my place called the Witches of Eastside, right? And there was about seven of us. And we didn't know each other that well,

but everyone was asked to bring a friend. And it was always at my place. And we'd just get out the champagne. And it started out, oh, women just getting together and chatting, right? And the kids throw KFC at the kids. But something really weird happened and it got deeper and darker and all of a sudden we're finding out things about each other that is And women tell deep dark shit Oh my god it was like truth serum

Howard and all the husbands hated it and one husband was a lawyer and he was an Irish guy and he said all this talking that goes on and it's dangerous It's dangerous Sounds very 18th century, doesn't it?

Ah, the talking, the witches. Yeah. One of them stole my erection. I can't get hard anymore. Burn her. Burn her. Hang her up with a vacuum cleaner. Retract the cord.

Like, our differences, like, some of us were millionaires, some of us, you know, were really struggling. It was just a very eclectic mix of women. And then one day, one of my friends walks out of the shops, which is the end of my street, and one of the witches of Eastside, right? And she just started chatting this woman who seemed a bit lost and normal. And anyway, she's got her backstory. And her backstory was her husband's an English anthropologist

and he's always out bush studying Aboriginal people and culture and she's at home with two little kids. So my friend says, oh, you've got to come over to my friend Fiona's and we get all of this off our chest, as we do on Friday nights. We bag out the men, we, you know, we get down to business. And so she brought her along and we're all doing it under the guise, I mean, sometimes we'd cry, but much more laughing than crying. Anyway, she joins in, and we've really kind of showed off to her a bit that night too. You know, what dickheads the men are, blah, blah, blah.

Look how much we slag our husbands off. Aren't we cool? Yeah, aren't we cool? Next morning, my friend that brought her with her the night before, she comes over to my place and she goes, have you heard about Susan? Oh, my God. She went home from drinks and she hung herself.

Whoa! Whoa! What? Too much talk. There's evil there. What? I think it goes without saying that we won't be being joined by June Northern next week. She went on the June Northern experience.

My God. No, she didn't do it that night. That's right. The next morning, her husband was in town. He got up, took the kids to the police. For the love of God. She got a chair, a piece of rope and I'm going to stop. And I think probably at the end of this podcast,

you're probably going to have to say something like, if you are thinking about harming yourself, call Lifeline. I think probably at the start we might put a little bit in before it begins. Maybe just a little bit of trigger. A bit of a trigger warning. Maybe just watermark the phone number over the whole podcast every five seconds. Just have it playing at an extra high frequency in the background. Oh, wow.

There was something in me that kind of was like, that's so Elaine. You know, like, in a sitcom that's funny. In real life that's – but I laughed as soon as Maureen told me. You laughed then. I fucking lost my mind laughing. It's just so ridiculous and bleak. Well, there was this story – And I didn't kill her.

There was this story on Four Corners last night about this neurosurgeon and he was out of control, addicted to cocaine, and me and my wife Lou were watching it and he was spending thousands of dollars on cocaine and he'd invite young... And cutting into people's brains. And cutting into people's brains and spines. Jesus. Anyway, he was inviting young girls around and he had money just all over the...

And he'd go, grab a hundred bucks, take some cocaine, keep the 100 bucks. All they wanted to do was have sex, take cocaine. Sadly, two women died of cocaine toxicity. Both were escorts. And this cop goes, yeah, both of them. That could have been me. I would have happily gone that way. And still will. and still will.

And still will. Did you hear that? Both of the girls had cocaine toxicity and swabs revealed that they had cocaine around their anuses. And it's like so he's saying, you know, shove it up your ass, take it up in your nose, whatever. So they're cutting between this story of a man completely out of control and the victims. And I was waiting for a long time for my spine fusion

and then Dr Raj operated on me and I've been in severe pain ever since and Lou and I were like wow his life's amazing and then this woman they have some like a cutaway of her she can't walk up the stairs she has to crawl up the stairs stop crying Lawrence

we both started laughing at this poor woman's horrible predicament and looked at each other and said, we're bad people. And it's like, yeah, we are. But we're kind of on his side, aren't we? We like his lifestyle and we're not feeling the appropriate amount of compassion for this poor woman. Ah, that is – but that's the joy of you and Lou.

She gets it. Yeah, she does get it. And it's like, yeah, we want to have cocaine rubbed around our anuses at a party. Can we just get back to the anus and the cocaine? So you can get as big a high sticking it up your ass as you... You can get as big a high with any drug by inserting it up your ass because right there is a whole... It'd cut down on a lot of sneezing. Yeah, it would.

For the listeners too, Lawrence currently has his pants down and he's demonstrating. I'm showing, Fiona. So, Fiona, you see the anus. Yes. Have a good close look. Inside, there's very thin membrane and it's quite blood engorged and so it's like the membrane of your nose.

Right. And so it actually accepts any substance more quickly into the system there. So you're actually digesting right up until the point you shit. Right. Wow. So people, I'm going to put it out there, people do try this at home. Just have a go.

Well, you know, for example, if you poured alcohol into your anus, you would be in big trouble very quickly. Really? Why? Because it would be absorbed so quickly into your bloodstream. For you, in order to do that, to get it to, you'd need some sort of,

you'd need to do a handstand. You'd be upside down. You'd be upside down. Like a vodka enema. Yeah. But the thing is, it would be so quickly absorbed into your bloodstream, you'd be blind. But you know the thing I'm thinking that I've gone straight to is,

fuck, that would have been handy because all the time. It's not really a drink either, is it? Yeah. I didn't have a drink. I had an arse vodka. And I am high ass. I've had so much vodka, but I'm still thirsty? How is that possible?

When I used to just feel that I needed to have those two little tiny vodkas before I went on, and I could have just stuck them up my arse. Obviously, not in the bottle. Not even a handstand, just a bit of downward dog. You've got the stage manager just to stick it in your arsehole and empty it. You have to play the stage manager a lot more. That's not covered under the... Stage managers love that.

Yeah, because the problem always was that I was worried about vodka breath. Right, where you don't get it with... Well, actually, you would still have... Not much if it was only two. No, but you would still have... If you poured vodka up your arsehole, you would still have alcohol on your breath. Oh, really?

Absolutely. Because what is measured when you do a breathalyser is the... It's a weight thing. Oh, it's your blood thing blood yeah it weighs the alcohol in your breath and so your blood flows around your body and so when you inhale oxygen the the oxygen molecules hold alcohol and they breathe out so if you put alcohol up your ass you'd still have alcohol on your breath. You sound like a really fucked up Dr Karl.

Yeah, Jeremy from Albury, there's the answer to your question. If I pour alcohol up my arse, can I still blow over 0.05? But I'm just thinking of the possible Jeffreys that are out there with alcoholic or suicidal thoughts. We could have not done much good. There will definitely be a warning at the front of this episode, I dare say. But that is funny. I still think the girl hanging herself is funny.

Still after all these years. I don't think it's funny that she's dead, but I think there is an element of that that's funny. And that's the thing that, it's so bleak. With stand-up and writing comedy and even writing books, there's stuff that is too funny to go in. When you say there might be a Geoffrey out there thinking about harming himself with substances

or taking his own life, I don't think an open and frank discussion about suicide is going to change that situation. It may precipitate it in some way but it's not going to necessarily make him do it or not make him do it. It's like still there's that

determination in his head one way or another and because I work at the ABC I'm subject to editorial policy and one of the big editorial policies when it comes to talk about suicide is don't talk about the mechanics of how someone killed themselves. For example, Robin Williams put his belt inside his cupboard door, shut the cupboard door, and then hung himself that way. He's going out live on the ABC, so please.

This is going out live on the ABC, so please. So they talk about don't talk about the mechanics because people will then replicate it. I think that in a way you've got to talk about the mechanics. You've got to be frank about the whole thing. Yeah. Because when I heard about how Robin Williams had done that, I thought, fuck, that's final. That's your final act.

And it's a sobering thought rather than anything else. And I think if someone's potentially suicidal to say this, if you do it, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. That's your final act. I guess the more you talk about something, the more people understand it and, you know, potentially can find an answer, I guess. I guess that's sort of, if you don't talk about something, the more people understand it and potentially

can find an answer, I guess. If you don't talk about something, then people can't work it out for themselves. You de-mystify it. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yuck. Yuck, I've got to talk to girls. Yeah, I reckon...

I've never spoken to one. Not that I'm that interested in helping people. You know, I reckon... I've never spoken to one. Not that I'm that interested in helping people. You know, I think having been as close, knocked on the door as, you know, having been that close... Well, it wasn't you. It was June Northern. June Northern.

Yeah, bitch. There's got to be something... She'd be doing an Australian story about her. June Northern was a woman that nobody knew. I remember, you know who I had to be the first time I went to rehab because it was in Adelaide and they were trying to protect me from the media, right? And I've woken up and everyone's calling me Marjorie.

I was Marjorie Tethers. and everyone's calling me Marjorie, I was Marjorie Tethers. Reached the end of her tether. Yeah, exactly. Marjorie Tethers. And I kept saying, I'm not Marjorie Tethers, I'm Fiona Lachlan. My sister was going, shut up, you are Marjorie Tethers. What if they were like, this is an opportunity for a joke and you wake up and they're like, how are you, Nellie?

What? You know, I'm just reading your chart here, Nellie Necker self. No, that's not my name. Well, do you know what they have in hospitals? They literally have, it's like names for cyclones. You know, they've got the next one ready. They have aliases ready to go. And I just happen to be…

For famous people? Yeah, for famous people. They're already there. Oh, wow. It came up on a computer. That's how I got my name. Oh, really? There's a famous person?

Yeah. Rehab name generator? Yeah. Oh, man. So someone doesn't think, oh, you know, it's just you press a button. You can't be trusted making up a stupid name yourself. So I was Marjorie Tethers. But I came up with June Northern myself because she sounded like a bleak woman.

All right, can we... June Northern was a woman I knew well. We'll break off from that for a second. A humping gait. Before we run out of time for the whole episode. Okay. I want to say Lawrence Mooney, a very generous man, has had me on Dirty Laundry Live on his TV show

very recently Tommy was on it last season so very nice of you to have both the little dum-dum club on the TV show in the last two seasons

it's my pleasure O'Loughlin nah June Northern maybe if only she was still around is yours one of those things where you if you ask

you definitely can't be on it oh I don't do that. No. So what I was going to say was we went – Sexual favours. We went to the football together, Lawrence, and I went to the football together a couple of times the last couple of weeks.

Last week we went and it was great. And what I found great, a great case study was we were watching Essendon and the Western Bull – no, Essendon and – who was it now? I can't remember. West Coast. West Coast. Essendon and the Western Bull no Essendon and who was it now I can't remember West Coast West Coast Essendon West Coast

so it meant the two West games Western Bulldogs and West Coast Eagles yes we watched West Coast Eagles and there was quite a lot of people coming up

and recognising you which I thought was very cool a lot of people coming up going oh Lawrence Mooney I love the show and whatever which I thought was great

because three weeks before when we went to see the Western Bulldogs there was a lot of people coming up to you going L Limo, here he is. Oh, really? But remember after that West Coast Eagles game, we were just standing there and most of the crowd had left and then this man and wife come up with their kids and she goes,

oh, I'm really embarrassed to ask this, but can we get a photo with you? And I said, yeah, no problem. Happy to. And she goes, oh, we love your show. You're great. And we got someone to take the photo, Carl, myself, the husband, wife, and the two kids. And she goes, thanks, Limo.

Oh, no. So you got a heap of that from the Western Bulldogs, but then West Coast Eagles. Thanks, Limo. I was like, okay, I reckon I'm the winner out of that comparison. Paul Limo's like, okay, I reckon I'm the winner out of that comparison. Paul Lemo's like, really? Gee, he looks a lot fatter when he's not on the telly. Let me back up.

You're in the photo as well? Oh, I think so maybe. I don't know. I think they thought I was Carrie Bickmore. Well, what's that? That's Bourke Street there? That's Bourke Street, yeah. So it was just that corner there.

A taxi dropped me off and he goes, he'd said, I've watched you, you make a lot of people laugh, blah, blah, blah. Nice taxi driver. And as he dropped me off, he said, have a good one, ding dong. Have a good one, ding dong. That's great. Dingers. So that was three weeks before and then now the last match,

three weeks later, your PR people have done a marvellous job. People are actually recognising you as Lawrence Mooney and people coming up quite frequently. Well, a lot's changed in three weeks, hasn't it? A lot can change in three weeks. The landscape has really shifted. Yeah, so people are coming up. And there was a great moment where we had been

Drinking reasonably heavily For the match And we went up close after a great Last minute sort of victory For Essendon We were at the fence, we were soaking it up And there was no one left in the ground And we're still there going yeah team one

And then this guy comes up To Lawrence and goes Oh Lawrencerence mooney oh i love your show i watch it every week this was weird i love your show oh it's so great and and i'm sitting there and i sort of think oh because i've just been on it and then lawrence thinks the same thing and goes oh well did you watch this week this thursday he goes yeah and he goes and so lawrence goes well you'd know this bloke and And I go, yeah, you'd know me. And he turns around and looks at me and goes, yeah, I do know you. I used to live with you.

Yeah. What? And I went, what? And he goes, yeah, we shared a house together and then your penny dropped. And I just go, what? And I'm looking at this guy in the face and go, this was the first guy I ever lived with moving out of house and lived with this guy in the face and go, this was the first guy I ever lived with moving out of house and lived with this guy when I moved to Ballarat

and started going to Ballarat TAFE. I moved in with a couple of guys and this was a guy that I lived with and he's just looking at me. And then while I'm being shocked, he turns to Lawrence and goes, what's his name? And you're like, Carl Chandler. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Carl Chandler. Yeah. Anyway, what else has happened to Lawrence? Yeah, and I'm still going, fucking what? He's like, just for a second, going, oh, there's a bloke I used to live with 20 years ago. So when you were at TAFE, were you doing like honours or a postgraduate degree? I was doing, what do you do at TAFE? I don't even remember.

Certificate one or something, isn't it? Certificate. Yeah. A certificate. So do you just sit there with all the other criminals and just buy your time? I was doing graphic design. I wasn't just learning how to break into cars. You are quite good with your graphics.

Thank you. He's very good. Oh, thank you. So, yeah, he was just like, oh. You're good with your graphics. I was just, do you do that? Is it all on computers these days? Is it all on the?

When you do graphics for comedians, do you do Contra deals? Let's not get into that. A mate of mine has got a good Contra deal for you. Someone did. Someone, we won't, well, no, we can tell that just without using the name, but a comedian did ring me up and ask me to do a poster for him once. In return? In return.

In return, you can come to one of my workshops that I'm. No way. Yeah, so I like your graphic design skills, but obviously your comedian skills are a little. Oh, my God. Shithouse. Oh, you know, I can't. So.

Anyway, I didn't quite find time to do that poster. What about you use your vast array of skills to design... That I spent years at Ballarat TAFE learning. Your vast array of skills to design something for me that is clearly worth a fair amount of money and I'll let you watch me take a shit. Yeah. In your... On a paella. I remember whoever this person was, they were very specific about how to be a paella. Planet Earth has no cunt like the cunt that takes, you know, comedy workshop.

Is there anyone good that ever does a comedy workshop no or there's anyone that's not either washed up or desperate or just broken

it's or it's worse than that it's not skilled it's stealing money from so

anyway quick plug Wednesday night down at the Elephant Wheelbarrow I'm doing my comedy workshop. If anyone wants to come and learn, stand up. Come down and do our podcast workshop.

Actually, I'm opening a comedy school, Fiona, called Mooney's Chuckle Shack. Come down and learn how to be a comedian because it's a skill that can be taught. This guy that was talking to me at the football so he was as soon as he talked to me i'm still in i'm sort of stunned by the fact i'm facing this guy i haven't seen for 20 years and instead of him being stunned like he's just seen me on on dirty laundry live and then seen me for a second oh yeah and then gone straight back to

mooney and gone anyway lawrence how do you be so funny how do you write all your jokes i'm still sitting there going what the fuck happened? Hey. Hey, hey, hey. I used to live with you, weren't you? Isn't he? He used to lie to me for the phone bill. And I'm like saying to him, so what are you doing now?

And he goes, oh, just, you know, because I thought, oh, he used to go to Horsham. I remember he came from Horsham because I thought, I fucking hate Horsham now because everyone I met, everyone I've ever met in my life from Horsham has been an absolute fucking idiot. So I'm going to put it out there. If anyone listens to this from Horsham, you can stop listening. We don't need you. Fuck you.

Wow. Wow. So I said to him, what have you been doing to yourself? I retract that, everyone. I'm going to edit that out. What about everyone in Horsham? Hang yourself. Isn't it the gateway to the Wimmera?

It is. Wimmera must be much shop if that's the gateway. They've had a hard time, Horsham, because they had drought, then they had flood, then they had the moths. Then they had this bloke. We went to Horsham. Remember, we went to Horsham to do some mental health gigs. Yeah, we did.

With a crazy baker. Crazy baker. Watch the news. Go crazy. Stop watching the news. He was a – this guy who's a baker, he had some success. He started the Beechworth Bakery. Really?

And the Beechworth Bakery is now a very successful franchise right across the country, Victoria. So he does motivational speech. He does motivational speech, but he speaks 100 miles an hour and tells these stories, amazing stories. You don't watch the news. Worst thing you can do, watch the news. I haven't watched the news for 10 years.

Put the news on again. Same bloody news. So Lawrence and I had... Don't judge the kids. Love them. Don't judge them. Yeah, love them. Don't judge them.

Yeah. Every hardship's an opportunity. My wife left me. Anyway. It was actually quite fascinating to listen to. But we went to Horsham to do gigs. So, fuck you, Chandler, and your hate on Horsham. Yeah, I love Horsham.

No, I don't like it at all. Some of the best people I've ever met have come from Horsham. See what I'm doing there? Just trying to battle. Sorry that it's nothing compared to the bustling metropolis that is Marybath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty rich coming from me, I guess. But this guy was like, oh, yeah.

I said, what have you been up to? He's like, oh, I'm living in Horsham. I'm like, so that's what happened? You just went straight back to Horsham? What the fuck's happening over here? Oh, no. Fiona's opening a window of our second story building. Can I?

Yeah. It's not ours. Hang on. Can you what? You haven't Oh a cigarette Oh that's fine I thought you were going to

Completely northern yourself Oh you were going to June northern You thought I was going to Do a June northern jump Yeah Nah I've had enough

That'd be great if you could The microphone lead Was long enough And you'd jump down And you were cracking jokes To the end Yeah And then the taxi drives passing on, ding dong!

Ding dong! Hit the tarmac! Anyway, I've leapt out the window. I'm falling now. It's going to be over. Boosh! Ding dong! I'll ring Ernie Sigley.

He'll come and help. I hit the recall button on this mixing desk and he comes straight back up. That'd be good. What do you mean? I'll call Ernie Sigley. I was her sidekick for two years. Oh, sorry.

Fucking hell. This is just unbelievable. Should we wrap it up? I think we should. I don't think we can go any further down. Guys, that's it for the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Oh, sorry. I feel like I wrecked the party.

Thank you very much for joining us. I love your podcast. Yeah. Well, we're just about to start doing it. Have you ever listened to it? Yeah. Oh, we're just about to start doing it, so... Have you ever listened to it? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Who have you listened to?

I've listened to me. I love your podcast. I like the one with me in it. Lawrence Mooney, you are about to head out on tour, is that correct? That's right. I am touring around Australia October and November. Get the dates on Ticketek or go to Lawrence Mooney on Facebook and all the dates are there.

But October, November. Everywhere? All cities? All around. We saw posters in Adelaide. You're going all the capital cities? Adelaide, Perth, Sydney, Brisbane, Hobart, Melbourne and regional as well. Awesome.

Oh, yeah, you're doing Melbourne. You're doing the other side. This is the first time I've done a tour that hasn't been, you know, like a festival or a road show. Which one is it? Which show is it? It's Stupid Liar. So this year's comedy festival show.

Oh, I love that show. Yes. Yeah, a lot of regional listeners of the podcast. So, yeah, jump on that. Yeah. Are you taking a support act? Oh, really? I'm going to do a support act in –

I'm going to have one from the state that I'm in so I don't have to travel with one person the whole way. You could have said I'm going to have one from the state that I'm in so I don't have to travel with one person the whole way. You could have said I'm going to have the state, one from the state that I'm in because I really think it's important to give young upcoming clients that. No, I don't want to travel with the same person the whole way. Yeah, you've got to pick your people. You've got to pick your support very carefully.

Fiona, you're doing the Melbourne Fringe Festival. Yeah. What's your show? It's got the same title as the Melbourne show, My Brilliant Career, but only because I couldn't be bothered changing the poster. I've written next year's show, so I'm going to try and sneak it in there.

And how does Miles Franklin feel about you ripping off her title from a famous ball? I don't know. Is she dead? Yeah, she's dead. Thank you. Hung herself probably.

They all do, don't they? They all do in the end. Who was it that put the stones in her pockets and walked in? That was Virginia Woolf. That was Virginia Woolf, yeah. All right. Guys, we've got our Perth gig on sale Sunday November 2

what are you doing live from Perth yeah podcast awesome when they travel they stay in a backpackers

and they take whores it's going pretty well yeah awesome should be more of it I've also got my Melbourne Fringe show Con Air 2

Con Voyage on sale now melbournefringe.com.au if you want to come see that if you're in Melbourne. Guys, that is it for this week. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. Thank you. See you, mates.