The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 215 - Chris Wainhouse & Bart Freebairn

Episode Date: November 20, 2014

Urbanspoon Reviews, Wrong Rooms and Expert Trolling.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sydney and Melbourne, we've got live shows coming up for you and Carl, we're bloody pumped, aren't we? Yeah, we've got Sydney on, what is it, the 30th? Yep, November the 30th, Sunday, November the 30th. Yep, 7.30 at the Cafe Lounge. Yep, what better way to kick off a weekend than sit around with your old mates and some of their friends, make them laugh. Is that kicking off a weekend or is that the very last thing? Oh, capping off, capping off. Oh, right, okay.

But maybe you work hospitality and maybe Sunday night is your, yeah, got it. Whatever it is, come along. It's going to be heaps of fun. And then the week after that in Melbourne, the 7th of December at Five Burrows. Yep. Doing one of our big live shows there. 4pm in the afternoon, a bit earlier. But again, you know, all of our Five Burrows, all those Melbourne shows are always insane and great fun.

We have heaps of our mates and guests and stuff like that. It's always a big packed room, so it'll be super fun. Yeah, we had a great time at the Perth and Adelaide shows recently. And yeah, we'd love to see you all down there. Tickets on sale now, littledumbdumbclub.com. And we'll see you there, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, now, I would like your permission to momentarily use this podcast for evil, if that's okay. Is that okay with you? Momentarily. Just momentarily. I've been using it for 215 episodes or Is that okay with you? Momentarily? Just momentarily.

I've been using it for 215 episodes or so. Yeah, but I try and use it for good. So I'm just switching my own personal preference. Go for it. Now, I had a dodgy experience at a restaurant recently, which is quite rare for me. I've got a very high tolerance for being treated like shit as a consumer. But this pushed me over to the edge.

Now, I'll pull you up there. I reckon every time I've ever been to a restaurant with you, no matter what restaurant it is, you walk out and go, oh, well, I have to spend three years on the toilet now. Yeah, sure. Okay, pretty weird that that's out there now but that's more to do with my own body than it is. That's nothing to do with the – and also we eat together a lot before gigs

which is like then I kind of get nervous and it's like I'll have a curry with you 15 minutes before a gig, which is not ideal. Okay, sure. So I went on to Urban Spoon for the first ever time and left a scathing review of this place, like really went to town on them and tried to make it quite funny. And then I just went back this morning to see. I was like, oh, I reckon wouldn't it be great if like they've responded? Because you know how like business owners now do that. Like they'll take on your points and whatever. Yeah, I put reviews on TripAdvisor and they'll respond.

Yeah, yeah. Or maybe I've gotten some upvotes on there or whatever. Yep. And so I went on and they've deleted my review of Urban Spoon. I don't know if it's Urban Spoon or whether the restaurant because it was – I was being pretty jokey in it. So maybe they thought the whole thing was a con. But so Urban Spoon won't let me have my say,

so I just want to put it out there. I feel like maybe it's just better for me to publicly shame this place on the podcast. Okay, good. The veggie bar on Brunswick Street in Fitzroy in Melbourne. Not enough meat? Served me a pizza that had shards of glass in it and then were kind of pricks, like implying that.

But no bones. No, I mean that no bones but no i mean that's the thing that's fine that's the thing they probably would have been more apologetic if there had have been meat in there you know what i mean the glass animal maybe it wasn't but his response was oh that's really weird because we've got a really strict no glass policy in the kitchen oh really i used to have the same thing about my tum tum but here we are so yeah anyway fuck the veggie bar um if you if you're in melbourne and you're in that's quite a popular place if you're in the jim rose circus and you're one of those glass eaters head on down to the veggie bar like your number one destination

in melbourne yeah just bring the old uh just bring like a little glass barbie like a little crack pipe down and then just leave that in your pad tie and go fucking look what i found in here this is ridiculous it's like a crouton. Yeah. But he said to me, he's like, I'm going to go out into the kitchen and get to the bottom of this. It's like, how are you getting to the bottom of it? Who put glass in the salad?

Oh, yeah, that was me. Is there a problem? Has there been bad feedback? A man made entirely out of glass. And he's like, mate, you know you're not allowed in the kitchen. You're not allowed to clip your nails in the salad. Today on the show, very exciting. First of all, returning guest, you know him as King Finty Wizard.

You know him as the host of Something for the Drive Home. It's Bart Freeband. Yeah. Now you've worked in food service quite extensively. Yeah, I was head gravy master of the Food International Circus. So one of the things about Urban Spoon that I think maybe they took it off because you had, did you have any swear words in the review? No, no. No dodgy words? I did, because it was one of the last meals that I had out with my girlfriend before we

split up. So I did insinuate that they may have been the cause of my relationship Eddie. Did you cry in the review? Basically, yeah. You cried and masturbated in the review so they took that one down. You can't have any jizz in an urban smoker review. It'll get taken out. It's actually worse than glass.

But mine was like eloquent. It was like a little short story and other people get on there and just go, I went here and it was bad and it's like 60 people found this helpful. Yeah. Have you still got a copy of it? I do, yeah. I saved it. Oh, great.

I think you should just keep putting it up on Urban Spoon. Yeah, I should do that. Just become the bane of Veggie Bar's existence. It would be funny if you saw that on my page of Veggie Bar and you're like, oh, man, he really got a bum deal at this restaurant. And then you go onto my page and you look at all of my reviews and it's just I accuse every restaurant in Melbourne of having glass in their food. And then at the end it's like, oh sorry guys, I forgot I had glass in my mouth when I walked

in. I'm just going to take all this food off to South Australia and cash it in for a sweet 10 cents. Also joining us on the show, first time on the show, one of our favourite comedians from Sydney. Please welcome into the little dum-d Dum Club, Chris Wainhouse. Yes. I'm here.

Excellent. I've arrived. I've arrived. Very exciting. You're in Melbourne. We've been able to get you on. Yep. I'm excited to be here.

I don't know too much about glassy foods. Oh. Well, you are from Sydney. Yes. Well, we're from Sydney. I'm from Sydney. We didn't even have food in New Zealand. I didn't even realise we had food until I got to Australia.

Yeah, it's a big new thing. It's all tinfoil in the food over there, isn't it? We were shoving it up our arse. We didn't know what to do. We were like, what is this? In New Zealand, you just stare at rocks to get full. Pretty much. Are you a complainer?

Will you say something back? I have been known to complain, yes. Because I would say that you would be, you would have been a very angry young man, I reckon. I reckon you've mellowed a bit. I have mellowed quite a lot. I think I was a very, as a child, I was a very happy child. And then as a teenager, I went a bit off the rails.

Right. And I was a model. That's a hard job. It is, huh? It is very hard. I was a bikini model. Yes. I was used hard job. It is. I was a bikini model. I was used and abused and spat out. New Zealand's finest bikini

model. The finest, yes. You and Rachel Hunter, that was it. Yeah, I was a plus size. Terry Richardson came over to New Zealand and he stole your innocence and then it's all been down to his innocence. Who was that? Who did? He's a photographer. That's the dude, isn't it? He's a bloody pedo photographer

who's taken advantage of young sluts. That's him. That's the official line. Nothing makes a joke better than having to explain it. I would know him anywhere. That's him, yes. So here we are in Melbourne. That's kind of nice, isn't it? Yeah.

So in terms of you being an angry young man, I remember hearing... I don't know about this, but I sound being an angry young man, I remember hearing, I remember you telling me. I don't know about this, I've always thought I'm quite placid. No, no, no. No, I loved it. I think someone told me one night, or maybe it was even you, one night was telling me how one day, what, someone pulled in front of you to park.

You had a park and then someone pulled right in front of you and you went, hey, man, what the fuck's going on? And they're like, what are you going to do about it? And then you got out of your car and sat next to his wheels and went, yeah, that's fine, mate. You go in the shop and you enjoy your little park there and I'll just sit here next to your car. And he went, oh, yeah, I might get another park in another suburb.

No, well, I know that story. I know the thing. He didn't actually go there, though. Like, he had parked in front of me and I had my niece with me. And I was like, dude, because I was indicating. And he was like, oh, well, I'm fucking here now. What are you going to do? And I was like, oh, okay. Okay, well, in you like, oh, well, I'm fucking here now. What are you going to do? And I was like, oh, okay.

Okay, well, in you go. You're a braver man than I am. Off you go. Off you go. And he went off into the shops and I just let all his tyres down and put a note on his window saying that I'd accidentally bumped a cigarette lighter up his exhaust pipe. It's probably sitting right above the fuel tank.

Don't let it get too hot or boom. That is you. You're a regular. Of course I didn't do that. If ISIS had started a few years earlier, you might be over there. Yes, I would be fighting for ISIS. How old's your niece at this point?

She was 13. She was in the car like I was. Just watching, creating some real repressed memories. Yeah, she's like, Uncle Chris, I think we should be going. Yeah, just instilling in her a deep distrust for family members. It's all going to come boiling out in about seven years' time. She should have been like, Uncle Chris, can we stay here until the car blows up? Yeah, yeah.

She just knows how to get it done in parking spaces now. I don't even know if that would work, but it would scare me. That's what I thought. Oh, that would scare me. Yeah. When I say you were an angry young man and that didn't even – you had to remember that story. Like if I'd have done that story,

that's the only memory I would ever have of my life. All right. That is a – For you to have forgotten that story makes me think there's a lot more in there that we could be finding. Yes. That's the tip of the iceberg really, isn't it? Yes.

Well, you got sort of a weird view of my suburb. When we turned up out the front, we saw a bit of road rage out the front of my house. We did. We saw a cyclist get cut off by a car and then give chase. Just screaming out, stop. Literally saying, come back here to a car. Come back here, you stupid

bitch, I think is what he was saying. Still, she didn't. I don't know if she was the stupid one, if a guy in a 10-speed's racing after a Land Rover. You're on a bike. But it was this weird thing where we saw it out the front of my house and we went, we've got to see how this pans out. So we all ran around the corner and were greeted by seven women,

all with prams, just on a big... All with prams, a gang. Strange little snap. I mean, that's kind of what this area is. Big, hip mothers groups and cyclists just getting the shits. Angry cyclists. Psychopaths. Yeah.

Cyclist paths. Oh, I see. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at those things. I've had a similar experience the last couple of weeks. I went down – I was down the beach and I drove back to Melbourne one day and I was coming along like a highway, coming back to Melbourne, and I was in a five-lane highway,

and as want people do when they're in long stretches of traffic or maybe at traffic lights, I started to pick my nose a little bit. I picked. Just a little bit? Just a little bit. You fucking dog. Yeah, sorry.

Are you kidding? Put this on Urban Spoon. I'm never going to Carl Chandler restaurant again. I'm never getting Carl Chandler's restaurant car ever again. Anyway, that's the end of the story. Just bragging. Yeah, yeah. How did you get that?

Well, no one can see you in a car because, oh, apart from the windows on the end. Oh, yeah, apart from that. Your windows are super tinted, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, they're reversed though, so I can't see out. Everyone can see in. It's like you're in a little mirror room. There's just big garbage bags on the inside of the windows.

You interrogate yourself in the car. It's mirrors, so even you see you picking your nose and still don't stop. So this is what happens. So I'm driving the long ride and, you know, you're driving at like 100K. And so I'm not sort of figuring. The speed limit's 60, but yeah. Yeah, I'm driving along.

And I'm doing that. And all of a sudden I get that, you know, that sort of slight feeling you're being watched. So even though I'm going at top speed and I look over and there's this car full of teenage girls deliberately, deliberately sitting right next to me, watching me do it and then just screaming laughing and pointing at me and going, yeah, yeah. And so I speed up and they speed up with me just to keep eye contact.

And you're like, yeah. So no matter what I do, I start to be stalked by these teenage girls. Did you not think that instead of speeding up, you should just stop picking your nose? Was that an option? Yeah. It's like, no, they won't won't go my nostrils connected to the accelerator so i was doing both of the same like what a sad life these young girls are leading they're down at the beach and they see an old man picking his nose they're like let's chase him forget forget cruises in a park let's follow this old man but it was totally diary best day ever i think maybe we can go watch

him do a shit later on if we're lucky. When you're a young girl, any kind of penetration is exciting. When you're an old man at Carl's age too. He's so used to it. He's like, what? This is no big deal. They're like, you are actually putting something into your body. Shush, guys.

I want to hear what happens. Yeah, but it was like completely round the other way. I want to hear what happens. So, yeah, but it was like completely around the other way. Like these young girls are like the stalkers instead of me being the stalker. So I like slowed down. They just kept with me as long as I could. I changed lanes. And what are you doing? Are you giving him a show?

Are you just getting right up there? No, no, no. By then I'm sort of just giving him a wave going, yeah, we get it. You got me. You're just like smacking your finger around the rim, just teasing it a bit. The thing that we're not saying here is that Carl's actually picking his nose with his giant veiny cock. Yeah.

I'm trying to flush it out. Yeah. I mean, we haven't done this for a while and I hate doing it too much, but that is something that if Fosdyke had the time, an illustration of a big dick just going into the nose. now that's a t-shirt

I think we can find some internet videos and we can just photoshop Carl's eyes look I can just pose for another one if we want if we just get back out

on the ring road and bring your webcam and we'll get it live up on the internet so how did this end it just went on for like five minutes

and it was that bit where it's like you've been chased you've been harassed how do you feel being a victim of street harassment how do you feel now the shoes on the other foot i don't know if the shoe was ever on the you fucking dog yeah you should have done a bit you know that woman who filmed herself walking down the street in new york city and like all the catcalls and stuff and then people started doing kind of like parody versions you should

have done that this is me just hanging out on the ring road the abuse that I suffer. Just picking my nose. Minding my own business. Picking my own nose. Hot chicks a cat calling me all day. This is what we have to put up. As a 38 year old man with his hand up his nose, this is what I have to put up with.

Oh yeah, it was just a little pick before, wasn't it? Now it's a hand. Now you're fisting your face To the base Well, I can one up that A friend of mine, now I don't know I had never heard of this before But a friend of mine was saying to me

Hey, you know when you're at the beach or whatever You've been somewhere a couple of hours out of town And you're driving home by yourself It's a long trip, long lonely trip on the highway. You ever, you know, you ever jacket? Yeah. I was like, no. Ever what?

Ever jerk off. Have a wank while driving? That's a great way to have an accident, isn't it? One of the best ways. And I was like, absolutely not. My friend was like, that's weird. I've done it. Like he did that on a And I know you're like

You're on a highway And you're alone in the car But again it's like Imagine those girls Anytime you're pulling up Near a car Imagine those girls Watching me pick my nose

And then seeing the next car Oh we've been wasting our time It's very dangerous Because the jizz is very slippery You can't turn properly Until over the steering wheel Oh yeah Especially if it goes out the window

and goes a little bit ahead of you. Yeah. Then it's like a, you know. It's like a Wally Coyote cartoon right there. It's like ten times slipperier than a banana peel. Yeah. Look at you mad shooters. Yeah.

Mine wouldn't get near the steering wheel. More of a drizzler. Yours kind of just seeps out the end there. Yours is like a wacky race mule, the one that's left for the people behind. The oil slick. Yeah. But that's like the timing involved in that because let's say, you know,

you do this like in the middle of a long drive and then you finish and you're just sitting there with that in the car for like an hour. I don't know about it. Unless you time it like tantric style until the moment that you get home. Now, that'd be kind of cool. I don't know about a sitting down wank. I'm not sure about that. Especially with the

steering wheels in the way. Yeah, exactly. The friend who I mentioned in the story, he does listen to this show, so I'm sure he's enjoying just sitting at the computer right now going, you fucking arsehole. Well, if he's sitting at the computer, he's probably doing the same thing.

He's probably got one of those... He won't be listening to the show. That's for sure. He's got one of those racing steering wheels in front of him just to keep it real. Yeah, he just gets like one of those driving test simulators that you have to go on when you get your P's. Yeah. And he's just like jerking it in there. A wanking simulator.

He has never won a race on Gran Turismo. Yeah. Whenever he gets in a car, he gets the horn. He's like, this is foolish. I do the same thing, but just when I'm at the arcade playing Turismo. Yeah. Whenever he gets in a car he gets the horn. He's like this is foolish. I do the same thing but just when I'm at the

arcade playing Daytona. Yeah. Just doing it there. Yeah. That's like a special mode that

you can unlock in it where if you're doing that you instantly win. In those car games do they still have those things now in arcade games where

it's sort of rigged where if you're playing another player. Oh you link up? Yeah when you link up but if you get it ahead it always makes sure that the Oh, you link up? Yeah, when you link up. But if you get it ahead, it always makes sure that the guy

behind you catches up. So you could just never have this clean win. You can never lap them. No. Can you? Yeah. No. If you just go as hard as you can, you're always at about the same level. So anyone can overtake anyone. It's just like a weird thing to keep people... That was Daytona, wasn't it? Yes. That would never let you lap someone, no matter how

good you were. Yeah, because they want you to keep putting money in. So it's like if you play once and you go, oh, I'm completely shit-ass at this. I'll never play this again. It's probably just for your mate's reason. Like if you get lapped, what else have you got to do but jack it? That's when you turn around, go the wrong way and try and head on them, isn't it? Yeah. That's what you end up doing.

They brought the beta version out in the arcades in Japan and the arcades were just covered in cum within an hour. So they were like, we've got to make this a bit more interesting because people are just clocking off here. Yeah. All of the cum ducts are jammed. We need to rinse those out. The cum duct.

The cum duct. They're all built into Daytona machines. Yeah. The repairmen get the call, the cum ducts. Oh, is this the Daytona guy? Yeah, they keep getting jammed up Too much cum So, speaking of

I've just come back from This will be a big surprise for people that listen to this show I've just come back from Thailand I've just been to the land of Thai Four times in 15 months When nobody's afraid to pick their nose Or blame it on the dog Or anything like that four times in 15 months. When nobody's afraid to pick their nose. Yeah, that's the least. Or blame it on the dog or anything like that.

That's where you go as a, not a sex tourist, as a nose tourist. You just go there and just pick your nose. As a grot tourist. Pick your nose with impunity. Yeah, exactly. As long as you take your shoes off, you're fine to do that. You're fine, yeah. You said the fourth time. No, it's the fifth time in two and a half years.

Oh, yeah, okay, yep. You're making me sound like a in two and a half years. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yep. You're making me sound like a freak. I think I've said this the last couple of times you've gone, but every time you go, it's an increasing – you get a holiday and I get an increasing workload of fielding questions from people who know both of us about whether I think this is you in full-blown midlife crisis mode. More and more volume this time.

Just constantly. In what way? Why would it beown midlife crisis mode. More and more volume this time. Just constantly. In what way? Why would it be a midlife crisis? I don't know why I need to explain to you why it would be a midlife crisis. Carl, think about it like this. Thai, Thailand, who business people wear ties when they're in the middle of their line. Oh, okay. You go to Thailand to find the right Thai to connect with your spirit.

Yes. That's what you're doing. Sorry, I should have thought of that. What do you do in Thailand? Just hang out. Just do nothing. And it's also, it's gotten, each time you've gone has gotten slightly more depressing. You went with your girlfriend.

Then you just went with comedy peers. Then you went with your parents. Then this last time you've just gone by yourself. Yes. Where do you go from here? What's the next – you go over there and you kill yourself, I reckon. I think he goes without his skin. Yeah.

No, I just went because I just got a very, very cheap deal. So I went there off the back of when we went to Perth. Yep. It was very, very cheap, very quick flight out there. So I enjoyed it. I went to PP Island. I went to Krabi. I had a thing where, very cheap, very quick flight out there. So I enjoyed it. I went to Phi Phi Island. I went to Krabi. I had a thing where, you know, there's always a lot of people yelling at you

because they want you to buy stuff or whatever it is. So I walked around. I bought like a cheap Barrickford Liverpool in the Premier League. So I bought this cheap top. And it's that thing where it's just a hook. It's just an angle for people to grab onto. So I just, again, I was getting harassed in Thailand. It was just people yelling at me all day, Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool.

And I'm like, okay, well, I won't wear this again. That doesn't matter. They remembered that. They remembered the whole trip. So I walked down the street every day. People were just yelling at me. I wasn't even wearing it anymore. Liverpool, Liverpool.

So I copped out the whole trip, except for one guy who, when he saw me every day, for no reason, would yell at me, Pepsi man. Pepsi man. I never drank a Pepsi. That's great. I was just known as Pepsi man in the one village. I had a similar story when I accidentally wore a blue T-shirt to an apple shop and people were just hassling me.

Because you're a genius. I'm a genius. I'm one of the geniuses. And you want a drink. Yes. Do you think maybe this I'm a genius I'm one of the geniuses And you want a drink Yes Do you think maybe this is like a Homer Simpson Mr Sparkle thing Where there's a guy on a Pepsi ad in Thailand who looks just like you That would be fantastic if we found that out

I would love that I would absolutely love if there was any reason I love it that there was no reason But I would also love it if there was a reason But I In my last night there Just easy to please So easy to please so easy to please

I wish I could be like that I wish I could be more like you one thing or the opposite whatever that's fine I'll take whatever's happening and I will love it just happy to be in Thailand

so on my last night in Thailand I went to quite a nice hotel I got to like three in the morning and I got woken up because you know the thing where the walls are a bit too thin or you're a bit closer.

You can sort of hear everyone. You can hear maybe someone having sex next door. You can hear someone getting in late. That sort of noise was starting to happen. I'm thinking, oh, geez, those walls are a bit thin. People next door to you can hear this squelching sound. They think, oh, he's jerking it in there and then cut to you and it's just you having a good old pick.

Just driving around in my hotel room. So I hear some of that sort of commotion happening. I'm like, oh, man, those walls are so thin. And I hear it and it's like, oh, jeez, they're so thin. You'd almost think it was like this room that it was happening. The door's shaking around. All of a sudden my door opens. Oh.

The lights flash on. People walk into my hotel room. This is one of those doors where it's like an interconnected room? Or this is the door from the hallway? This is an invasion, isn't it? Yes. This is a hotel invasion.

You haven't been treated right. Are you being harassed? Yes. And he still loves everything. Yeah, I'm not a rap. Bloody little battler, isn't he? People walk into my hotel room. A group of people walk into my hotel room. A group? Yeah, there's three.

Do you not lock doors in hotel rooms? Yes. Yes. Oh, okay. They had a key. Is that what's happening? Yeah, all this jiggling around has been the key. It's like, oh, this is hard to open.

Oh, it's because it's not your hotel room. But anyway, they open it up. They walk into my room. My room's completely illuminated. I wake up at 3 a.m. and go, what's because it's not your hotel room. But anyway, they open it up. They walk into my room. My room's completely illuminated. I wake up at 3 a.m. and go, what's going on? And they go, oh, sorry. And like sit there for like a second or two and then walk out. And I'm just there going, is this a dream?

What's happening? You're just like in a bed like covered with tissues around you. What is going on So that But that's like Spent tissues So they weren't just Checking in

They've They're They're coming home From a Yeah they're coming home From something or whatever And they've just walked Into my room

So I just go Oh That's insane So the next day I think well What's going to happen I walk into reception And I say look

I'm checking out Just so you know Last night 3 a.m people just walked into my room walked into my hotel room and just walked in and they go and then you know of course they're not speaking super super english and they're going oh okay you brought people home well no no no no i didn't bring anyone home i was in bed just before i check out i'd like you to know that um i got a route last night no, no, no, no. I didn't bring anyone home. I was in bed. They're high-fiving you. Oh, well done. Just before I check out, I'd like you to know that I got a root last night in the room.

Three roots? I got three roots. I will be back. I don't know if you've heard through the hotel chain, but I have friends. Getting on TripAdvisor, oh, man, I fucked so many chicks in this hotel. It was sick.

Three roots last night, best hotel. Chewed on some glass, five stars. But I said, look, I brought people and they go, you brought people home? I went, no, no, no, I didn't bring people home. People just walked into my room. People walked into my hotel room and they're like going, you had people in there?

I'm like, no, no, I didn't have them. Look, I woke up in the middle of the night, the door, I don't know who they were, they walked in and I'm just like sort of, I'm like pan them. Look, I woke up in the middle of the night. The door, I don't know who they were. They walked in and I'm just like sort of I'm like panicking and going, what are you doing? And they go, oh, you didn't know the people. And I'm like, yes, I didn't know the people. And they go, oh, you didn't let them in.

I'm like, no, I didn't let them in. And they go, oh, oh, oh, it was probably just some other people then. And I'm like, yeah, I know it was other people. We've cracked it. We've cracked the case. You and those guys should start the best detective agency ever. I can't believe how quickly that was solved. I'm thinking they will never solve that.

And when you hear it, it's like, of course. We don't need the yellow tape over the hotel room or anything. Let's get to Egypt and figure out what happened with these pyramids. Straight away. Turns out they were built by people? By people. What? Maybe the same people. So I go, it's probably just other people. I go, yeah,

I didn't know the people. And they go... I like that that's, yeah, they're other people, like that was your query. Like, those people, were they related to me? Were they you? Were they me? Were those three people you? No. Or other people? It's getting very philosophical very quickly.

It could have been me. Aren't we all just one people? Yeah. Was this a meditation retreat that you were at? Because it sounds like you're getting some pretty spiritual guidance. It was a pretty deep argument I had when I was trying to get a refund. Are we trying to – is that what was that? No, no.

I was just seeing what would happen. Why were you mentioning it you Mentioning it Well because Strangers walked Into my room I thought it was Worth bringing up Look it is worth

Bringing it up But wouldn't you Have stopped bringing it up When you realised They weren't getting it No but I Look I like the fact

That you just kept going Yeah yeah No no no I did want to see What would happen Like I wanted to Bring it up and think I wanted to see

If this was a regular thing. I wanted to see what they would say. Right. At the very least, the key situation in this hotel needs a serious re-evaluation. That's what you're pushing for. Or I could, look, I could plug the hotel on the podcast so if you know, you know, if you go there,

if you grab hold of one, it's like a buffet of hotel rooms over there. Oh, yeah. It's all you can eat. You get one key, you can go into any room apparently. So what's it called? The Skeleton Key Hotel? Yeah, yeah, that's it. No, it's, so I go into any room apparently So what's it called The skeleton key hotel Yeah yeah that's it No it's

So I said that They go Oh it's probably someone else I go yeah I know I know the concept And they go okay And they could see I was still upset

She goes So are you staying here tonight And I said no And they go Oh no problem then Like that's solved Yeah we don't need to We don't need to do anything

About this because you're leaving Yeah it won't happen again For you Yeah So don't need to do anything about this Because you're leaving It won't happen again for you So don't worry about it But it's like you're not checked in there that night But you don't have a key Which doesn't seem to be an issue to get a room anyway So you could stay there that night

Yeah But that's really interesting Because I You know what That's actually been a bit of a suspicion of mine When I've been in hotels I don't know what's made me think this But like come on

Are there really 300 different keys? Like what if you just gave this a mine when I've been in hotels. I don't know what's made me think this but like come on, are there really 300 different keys? Like what if you just gave this a crack in? I've always thought, imagine if there was a hotel where it's just one key for everything. They're not computer keys, they're not cards. They were cards. It was a card I'd never seen before. It was a card that was like a Swiss cheese card that had a few different holes in it.

Oh, okay. There's only so many holes you can poke in a card. Yeah. There's not an infinite amount of holes, is there? So they're going to have to double up. They're not fingerprints. I'm a bit disappointed that I think you followed this up in the wrong area. Like you're going and asking the reception what's going on. They have no idea where the questions that I want answered are from the people who've come in.

Right. Where was their actual room? You know what I mean? Like because the odds of, I mean. Did you hear them go next door or anything like that? No. No? It was just, it was it?

Yeah, that was it. You were going, was that a dream? Yeah, yeah. Was that just a wonderful, wonderful dream? Yeah, it must have been a dream. Nothing that good's ever happened to me in my life. I've never had three people in my room before. Three friends.

This is like one of those random opportunities where these guys could have become, you know, your best friends. Yeah. At the very least, you should have slipped them a flyer for the podcast on the way out. Like, we'll be talking about this next week. That would have been a more unsettling experience for them if I'd have just gone, this is fine. Come in. What do you want?

Have a drink. Or you hear the shuffling and you just get yourself ready. You're just prepped on the bed being like, come on, guys. I'm ready. You just prepped on the bed being like, come on, guys. I'm ready. You put on the ball gag. Because it's warm and I sleep naked, so I'm literally on my bed naked and these people are walking in and I'm like, oh, this is – You're sleeping on all fours, bent over, anus facing the doorway,

just trying to have a bit of sleep. Cheeks parted because that stops my sleep apnea. Glistening with Lou. Funnel inserted and ready to go. So I was feeling quite vulnerable. So what really what you said, when they broke in, you were like, what are you doing here? What are you going to do to me?

Get out. This is my room. When I left the door wide open with an arrow pointed at my anus. Did they actually, maybe you're not telling me wrong, maybe these three people actually walked out of your anus. All that jiggling around, that wasn't the key in the lock. The rustling was them getting out of it. I do like that, the lazy man's approach to an orgy,

just lying in a room naked and hoping that strangers just somehow come in. And my complaint in the morning, what's the problem? There was only three. The ratio of guys to girls was just way off. It's no good. You just change your room from 103 to 108. You've got to cover that up there and you just lie down there and just wait for hoping someone is in 108.

And a huge mistletoe over the door as well. Yeah, Roadrunner style, free sex in here. That Acme sex kit needs work. Yeah. That is daunting. I don't like the idea of someone bursting into your hotel room. The shit I get up to in my hotel room when I'm by myself. Yeah.

You know what? I've actually thought that many times I've been in a hotel room and I've heard, you know, you can hear someone in the room next to you. And if it's close enough, it sounds like it's your door. I've had that fear many, many times where I've been able to hear someone jiggling in the room next door and I've gone, oh, fuck, that's someone coming in here. That's like reception or whatever or. But it's that thing, you know, like even when you're at home and you hear a noise and you go oh you get to a stage where you've got to

convince yourself like that's not in the house yeah not someone walking through your house that's next door that's a branch rustling against the house and that's that was me that was me in full mode going that's someone else and then three people walk into my room i've had it happen where i've thought it was something else and i've caught someone like in the process of invading oh really yeah i was staying with a when I'm in Adelaide I stay with a friend in Prospect and I'm just hanging out with when the doorbell rings or the phone rings in a house that you're staying at I generally don't answer it yeah yeah I just leave it I'm like that's their thing if they're not home then I don't need to tell the

person that they're not home I can't give them any answers I don't know where the person is yeah I just hang out I'm just at the at the desk just getting ready for the gig that night. So the doorbell rings three times. I just ignore it. And then I hear this clattering and banging in the front main bedroom. I'm in my underwear. I just walk in and there's this guy like halfway in through the window. Oh, my God.

Wow. Trying to get in the house. And I was just like, what the fuck are you doing, cunt? And he's so shocked He's like Oh fuck He's kind of a weird Like old Like drunk guy

He's just a crime of opportunity And he's like Oh I'm making a mistake And I'm like Yeah you're making a fucking mistake Get the fuck out Or I'll beat the shit out of you Which I would never do to an old man

And he's like This is fine in Thailand Why is it a problem here Yeah Why is it a problem He's like I've got the key You're in your jocks But you're also visibly fully erect as well.

Yeah, when I say jocks, there's a cutout. Yeah, exactly. I like to have the undie on but I like to have full cutouts of my bones. He wears O-fronts. One more step and there's going to be another forced entry. I want to feel the sway, my bonus sway. So you've got to feel the sway. So is this just a thing where you think it was like he'd cased out the joint

and just thinks there's an old guy there who lives by himself and he's left and gone? Yeah, and he's just not – he's going, oh, no one's home, I'm going to go in and grab a laptop. And the front window, the window's open and he's just climbing in. I've just caught him as he's climbing in. And it's me just going, oh shit, this is really happening. And then he's gone, just like that.

So I called the guy I'm staying with and he's got bars on the windows. Because I always get freaked out about the complacency of the other side of that, of like hearing a noise and thinking, nah, it's just a cat in the front yard or something. And then getting into my room and going, oh no, all my stuff is gone. That was a person. You know, I always

check. I always double check That sort of stuff Have you been burgled before? I think I hear something No never Right Me either And I feel like

It's like a thing that Is going to happen Like Well if I hear something I've Because I've got two daughters too So if I hear a noise at the house I've got like

Oh what the fuck is going on here You know So yeah anything If I'm by myself I just run up And have a look around you can I'm sure those guys

if someone intruded with your daughters I'm sure they'd be fine oh that's right there's that time someone tried to take your park and you threatened to blow up their car

yeah oh yeah I'll be flicking up a lighter up their exhaust pipe hey yo I had I've been burgled a couple times

and I've had insurance once And not insurance You have insurance Your stuff gets given back to you Just the idea you get kind of invaded Yeah Which sucks But you get used to it

If you hear yourself getting burgled You could just yell out like Make sure you get my old camera Don't need it anymore Oh the Picasso's missing All the new iPhones out in a week. Take the old one so I get an upgrade. All my vintage things I can't replace for a lot of money.

No. I can't believe my house, the Louvre, has been ransacked again. Now, Wayne House, we should get in because you've got some, you know, we've been talking about you in your younger days. Oh, yeah. I hope you don't mind talking about this, but I believe, and I could be wrong, are you the only guest that we've had on the show that's been to prison?

That's been to the big house? I would have to have a look at your guest list before I answer that. Charles Manson has been on. Ronnie Beers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then no, no, I haven't. No, I haven't. No, I haven't. Yes, I suppose.

Well, I have been to prison. You suppose. Is this a thing that may or may not have happened? Well, no, no, no. I've definitely been to prison. I don't know about your other guests. That's where I'm not sure. Guys, I've been to Supermax Ultra Prison.

I just broke out for this podcast. Did anyone break in when you were living there? Did you ever have any problems? No, no one broke into there. We had our own little cells, which was quite nice. What is the setup? The setup is daunting, I guess, if I could put it into one word. It's a tiny little room.

You've got a television, a toilet and a shower and a single bed. And so you can watch TV from on the toilet? Well, no. No, I guess you could. Oh, what a hellhole. Yeah. Oh, it was horrible. It was horrible.

I'll never go back. And when I was complaining when I was leaving and I was going, I don't know, I could not see the television. These wardens just kind of. You didn't have a television? No, I had a television, but I couldn't see the television. Trip advisor will be hearing about this. These wardens just came into my room at 3 a.m.

You should get that checked out. Do you know who they were? Yeah. So do you have your own cell then? Yeah, you have your own cell. First of all, you're in this big area where you've got like 20 cells on the top level and 20 cells on the bottom level and you'll come out of your cell and you've got a little outdoor area and these little tables bolted to the floor

where you eat your dinner. And then you go to – I went to a place called Residential, which is like there's apartment blocks. And so you'd go into your apartment. There'd be three cells and you'd come in and out whenever you wanted to, but you couldn't get out of there. So you had a living room and a kitchen, and the next unit would have another six prisoners and so on and so on.

And in the daytime, you would just go out and there'd be 1,500 of you. Oh, wow. Just running around, 1,500 horrible, tattooed-necked, scary motherfuckers. And you with no tattoos. You've told us before the. And you with no tattoos. You've told us before the show you've got no tattoos. I have no tattoos, no. You'd be a pin-up. You'd be the pin-up boy.

I would be. I was quite the price. Prettiest girl on the lot. Yes. Yes, I still write letters to them all. You would have been number one at the prison prom. Were you the homecoming queen? No, I wasn't.

Have they all got Wayne House calendars up? Yeah You bending over a Chevy Pretty much Pretty much Just different positions They put me into

I didn't get to see them See the calendars You didn't You don't have any tattoos But people have tattoos of you Tattoos of me Wayne House How long were you in there for?

Only three months Right Only three months. Right, okay. Only three months. It was just 90 days. Right. Just visiting. Yeah. Just visiting.

Yeah. I heard a great story about you in there where it was something like you get in there and someone wanted your smokes. Please take over the story if you know the story. No, look, I'd rather not go too far into it. Yeah, yeah, totally. Oh, this isn't a story that was bad about you, though. This is just a... Oh right No look I'd rather not Go too far Yeah yeah Totally Oh this isn't a story

That was bad about you though This is just a Oh I don't Well tell me the story We can edit this out If you don't like it Okay yeah yeah Tell me the story

The story was Someone came up And wanted your This huge guy Came up and wanted your smokes And you're telling this To Greg Fleet I think And you said

They wanted your smokes And you're like This is it. You know, you've got to stand up to him day one. Otherwise, he'll walk all over you. So you go, no. And you clocked him, even though he's heaps bigger than you. And then he went right and tore you apart and went bang.

And then it's like, well, at least you've got respect. He kicked the absolute shit out of you. But you've got his respect. So he wouldn't come back and do anything. And then Fleet, he said, well, you could have just given up the smokes. No, what happened was I do know the story. Oh, you do know what happened. I know exactly what happened on this one.

This is a great podcast. Carl tells stories about Wayne House's life back to Wayne House. Yeah, yeah. And I go, oh, it reminds me of – and then I tell the same story. That reminds me of the time I – yeah, no, what happened is he came and asked me for a cigarette and I was like, yeah, yeah, fuck, go for it, you know, because I was quite new. This is my first week.

And then he would just come back and then he would just take them, take them, and then just as we were going back, he just picked up my whole pouch of tobacco and just took it with him. Right. And so I was left there just took it with him. Right. And so I was left there looking like a fucking idiot. Yeah. And the dude I was talking to just walked away at that stage too. And then I went back and we had a lockdown for about six hours or so.

And I had another packet of tobacco up there. So we came – next time we came back out into the yard i took my tobacco and he came over and grabbed it and that's when i just punched him and got my as hard as i could to like just one big fuck him and then tucked up into the biggest baby ball you've ever seen and i was just fending off punches and i kept my smokes and i never took him again and that was that's it worked yeah yeah that's but i knew then i was going going, I've bitched up already. Just by saying, can I have a cigarette? Yeah, fuck, go for it.

Yeah. Right, right, right. I quite like that it's like most people would do that thing of like having to prove themselves or whatever if they're in there for like, you know, 10 years. And it's like, I've got to set myself up now for the long haul but you're just in there for three months. I'm in there for three months.

But it could be a horrible fucking three months. That's true, yeah. It would be a horrible... How old were you? Oh, I was quite old. I was like 28 or 30 maybe, 32. Is that old for prison? I don't even fucking know.

I don't know any ages. I know all my stories. Like growing up, I could tell you a story. I could have been five. I could have been 15. You probably went five in this one. I was five in this one. I was five.

It was Juvie. It was Juvie and then he took my cigarettes. Baby Juvie. You were in Adult Supermax at five. I was in Adult Supermax. Yeah. So – Well, actually, I'm just realising I know all these Winehouse stories

and now I want to get the real versions of them. Yeah. I believe – because it's a similar one to this again. The one – and you may have even told me this one, about you doing a gig on stage maybe in Brisbane and then someone being a real arsehole right in the front row and then you saying, I'll do a magic trick. Oh, yes, the magic trick. Oh, you tell the story then.

Good. Oh, you can tell the story if you want to tell the story. No, I reckon again you'd probably be better if it comes from you. I know the facts. It was at Dockside. Good gig, Good comedy. This guy has been an absolute dick and he was having a Bucks night. And I'd first done this trick at Crazy's Comedy Restaurant

because they underpaid me. So anyway. Hang on, wait. There was a gig called Crazy's Comedy Restaurant. Oh, my God. Well, do you need to give them a bad review on Yelp or whatever if there's a food place called Craziest? I don't think it's open now.

I think it's gone decades ago. So this guy was being a dick and I said, look, I'm going to finish with a magic show, a magic trick. Do you like magic tricks? And he was like, yeah, yeah, I like magic. And I go, well, how about you? You've been wanting to be a part of the show all fucking night. Give me a note.

Give me some type of note. And he's like, what size? I go, well, the bigger, the funnier. So he gives me this $50 note. And I'm like, oh, OK. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put it in my magic wallet. OK, don't get ahead of me. Give it seven shakes, back pocket, eight taps,

and nine tenths of the law now says it's mine. Thank you very much. My name's Chris Wainhouse. So I fuck off right says it's mine. Thank you very much. My name's Chris Wainhouse. So I fuck off right with his money. And big bow and everyone's losing their shit because this guy's just got fucked over. And he's with the Bucks party and he comes over after and he goes, that was really funny.

Give us my money back. And I go, it was a funny joke. And I go, you know it was a joke though, right? And I go, yeah. So I can't step on my own punchlines. Like, so i'm keeping the cash otherwise it's not a joke um and i think it's a great joke and uh but i'll tell you what i'll do is i'll buy you and this guy here a drink with the 50 dollars but you gotta tell me in the

next 30 seconds all the deals off the table. So they walk away. They walk away and they're getting really pissed off. There's about four or five of them. And I was pretty loose back in these days. So they come over and they're spewing. So I get them kicked out. I get the security guy, can you get these? Which is pretty impressive because this gig's in prison.

Got them kicked out. Got them kicked out. Yeah, you've got paroled. You four gentlemen are tarnishing the good name of Crazy's Comedy Restaurant. Get out. The next step, obviously, was that Wayne House was going to leave a note on their car. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So anyway.

Just a note on their head. I'm going to flick a cigarette lighter up your arsehole. Right up. And so I'm walking out. It's pretty late. I'm pretty tanked by the stage. Driving home. Oh, sorry. And so I'm walking out. It's pretty late. I'm pretty tanked by the stage. Driving home. Oh, sorry.

And I realise. And you picked a prison. They're probably going to be out there. They're going to probably be out there. So I get all my credit cards and I shove them in my shoes and I just do all this sort of stuff because I'm not giving this kind of money ever. I've already made my decision. So I get out there and there they are, right?

We're just walking out and I'm walking over to the car park and they come out following me. So I get out there and there they are, right? We're just walking out and I'm walking over to the car park and they come out following me. So I see them following me. So I go up to this nice car, really nice car. So they think it's my car. And if they're going to kick it in, they're going to kick in this nice car. Right?

And again, I will stand by and look like I don't give a fuck. Right? So that's my plan. So I'm walking over there and they go, man, give us the fucking money back. And it's in my wallet, right? Everything that's mine is out. And I'm going, mate, it's not going to happen.

If you don't give us the money back, we're going to kick shit out of you. And I said, well, bring it on, bitches, because I've got to get home. So these two dudes come running at me. And I'm just standing there. I'm thinking, this is going to be an awesome story. Right? And he punches me with one of the most light, like right on the side here, but it was right on the cheek area.

But it was the lightest, you know, half-assed punch. Yeah. It was light. So I got a couple of little punches. And I'm sort of starting to tuck up. I'm thinking, here it comes. And then they're all just walking away. You're a fucking-assed punch? Yeah. So I got a couple of little punches and I'm sort of starting to tuck up and thinking here it comes and then they're all just walking away. You're a fucking arsehole. And they're just walking away.

So I go over to my shitbox car and go, meep, meep. Drive off and get the money. That is bizarre to kind of cross the threshold of physical violence and then just stop at like two little punches. Well, that's right. Once you've gone there, it's like – I think they realised what was happening because, I mean, there's security cameras and that everywhere.

Like if they'd really given me a dusting – And at the end of the day, it's 50 bucks. It's 50 bucks. You've worked pretty hard for it. And they were a dick. Yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah.

They should have got their money's worth out of you. Yeah. That's probably they got like $14 worth of punches. Yeah, I know. It was pretty crazy. And you didn't end up getting them the beers, did you?

I didn't get them beers, no, because I told them I had to figure it out in like 30 seconds. Biggest question, what did you do with the 50? Oh, I think I would have paid it on some bills or...

Oh. Yeah. I would have gone out for it. Bought ecstasy. Yeah, now, am I talking now? You're a fucking legend, man.

We love you. I put it into my superannuation. I put it towards my kid's college fund. Yes. I spent it on lighters to fuck more people up. That's how I build my future, $50 at a time. I bought a magic book. You should have framed it.

That would have been good. Yeah, I should have framed it. I could still frame it. Just frame it. I could just frame it. Just frame it. I could just frame any old $50. Who knows? It could be the one. It could have come back to you in the world by this time, yeah.

You should just do that at every gig from now on. I mean, think how much more income you'd be making if you're pulling an extra $50. That's instead of merch. Instead of being some kid at the back selling albums and T-shirts, just get punches at the back of the car park. Yes, sell punches. Punches for $5.

It's just my head in a hole. Kisses or punching, what do you want to do? That would actually be great. Yeah, if you went on and your act was like you're just like worse than like a Don Rickles. Like you're just super, super abusive to everyone. And then you're in the car park and like, you know, when they train attack dogs and people are just like in the full padded suits,

you're just there. Like everyone that you've wronged during the gig can come and have a crack and they just kick the shit out of you for ten bucks. And you're completely protected. Yeah. Yes. Okay. There's a friendly twist to this where the money you get from that

you actually give to World Vision and then you send them the pictures of the children they're sponsoring. Oh yeah. And then they're so conflicted they're like he's the best worst man ever. Did we punch Bob Gildoff? Was that what happened?

Oh man. But then I would sponsor a child only for a couple of months which would be crueler to the child. Which is why I don't sponsor children. Cut it off, yeah. I can't keep it going. Yeah. And recently you've been, not in the news, but in the Twitter sphere,

you've been taking on just an absolute legend of comedy. Everyone in comedy has been watching this absolutely delighted. In that horrible, perverse way where no one says anything, but they just watch you throw shit at someone on the internet. I'm a troll. Yeah. I'm a nasty, nasty troll. High-level troll.

I'm a high-level troll who trolls other trolls, I think, is what I do. Right, right. Troll hunter. I'm a troll hunter. Yeah, you're the Robin Hood of trolls. I'm the Robin Hood of trolls. You're very noble about it. Yeah. Troll hunter. I'm a troll hunter. Yeah, you're the Robin Hood of trolls. I'm the Robin Hood of trolls. You're very noble about it. Yeah.

You give shit to the rich and the poor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Dexter. You're only taking out people who've got it coming. I kind of like that, yeah. I think I may have crossed the line with Ostentatious, but he is a dick, right? He is just a dick.

Where have you crossed the line, though? Where did you think it was too far? When I realised he wasn't even competing, I guess. When I realised I was just all over it. So let's go back and let's set the scene of how this all started. So ostentatious for people who don't know. And there'll be a lot of them. Yeah.

I was going to say for our international listeners, but also for our national listeners. For people under the age of 40. He's been around for, what, 30 years or something? He had a hit? He had a hit comedy song? Yes. It wasn't a song.

It was a poem, if anything. And it was Australian. You're not even going to give him that. I'm not even giving him that. I'm not even giving it. It was his, right? He got a role in a short movie about a poem. That's pretty much what I'll give him.

And that was in like what? 83. 83. Australiana. Australiana. Look it up. Well, probably don't. But yeah.

The other day my mate Boomer called. Yeah. It's a bit funnier. It does. Yeah, yeah. Said he's having a bar. I said, is William going? It's a lot funnier.

Boy. Yeah. And yeah, I'll having a barbie. I said, is William going? It's a lot funnier. Boy. Yeah. And, yeah, I'll go if Ding does. Yeah. But, yeah, so he calls me out of the – he tweets me out of the blue and just goes, where are you? Still doing nothing? Going nowhere?

And I'm like, oh, click, click. If I can clear my diary, who have we got here, you know? Now, apparently what's happened is he wanted to play at the Playhouse in Newcastle And they said Wayne House was on there That date He'd given them a date

And that was enough To put a pickle up his ass And so he fucking Went me Oh so because he couldn't Get a gig there Because you were already on Yeah

And then he decided To go you before that So he went me on Twitter And I went back Through his feed And I saw him go And Rove And I saw him go

And Dave Hughes And That's what he does He goes everybody He goes Adam Hills And I was back through his feed and I saw him go on Rove and I saw him go on Dave Hughes. That's what he does. He goes everybody. He goes Adam Hills. And I was just like, oh, okay. So I see what I'm dealing with. And I thought this is going to be exciting because he's notorious for, like I've never seen him work,

but his reputation of what he does to people on stage, he just crucifies them. He'll crucify people on stage. He just crucifies them. He'll crucify people on stage. I'm thinking, well, this is what better way to practice doing that than from the master himself, right? So I fire off a couple of warning shots off the top of it and start bracing. I start quite slow and then he's just like…

You tuck your credit cards into your shoes. I tuck my credit cards into my shoes. Stand next to a nice car. Stand next to a nice Twitter account. You're tweeting at ostentatious and then at nice car in the same tweet. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Hashtag not my face. And he came back with nothing.

He came back with, you're a fat and ugly. Yeah. I'm like, oh. Because you were doing some Incredible work at one point Where you were making memes of him I have fake accounts of him I have ostentatious too

You went full ASIO on him I did with the tools I had at my fingers I would recommend people Get on your Twitter page if they're not already and go back through your photos and find the memes that you made of him because they're great. There's a lot of just finding pictures of him on stage and the text is like, who keeps shouting out, heard it.

Yeah, great ostentation quotes. Yeah, I had themes. Great ostentation quotes. Green ticket B57. You've won a meat tray. I remember way back into the MySpace days when you were trolling and rolling. I was ranked. That's when Rank Fantomous first made his.

Oh, yes. That was your earliest Rank Fantomous. I had a thing to review comics and it were, it was ruthless, right? Like it was just, but hilariously ruthless. So I would basically roast them in a review and just everyone was up for grabs. Like just everyone. I did myself. Didn't mean like, so to throw the.

I remember, you remember Punksie? Yes. So she was a lady in the Brisbane comedy scene and she just sort of opened Micah but had a big online, well and big, like a decent sized online, you know, like footprint. Yeah. Footprint is a great word. Online footprint.

And she was pretty crazy, like pretty intense and she would just go onto people's pages and just spew bile onto their pages. And I remember, Chris, you were kind of battling with her, this back and forth. And I remember what happened is I, at one point, messaged you on Facebook just going, oh, this punksy chick's pretty intense.

What's going on there? And you actually forwarded that message to her as a joke. So I started getting these intense... And that's why you went to prison. Yeah. I started getting these intense messages with her just going, you piece of shit scum. And I just...

I loved it. I was just like, oh! It was so exciting, wasn't it? It was great. Wow! Because it was like a tiger had been unleashed on my page, like just this unreasonable amount of bile and hatred. Yeah.

It's easy to pull a tiger's tail. So ostentatious is now he's claiming that he's stepped it up and he's getting the law involved. Oh, really? Yeah, he's going to sue me. For what reason? For defamation. So he's going to have to go to court and prove he's not a cunt for one,

which would be hilarious, right? Like, after he tries that, I will just stand up and go, I rest my case. I think we all soar. You need to be wearing one of those wigs. You should be wearing one of those wigs You should be wearing one of those wigs Yeah, so Which is great because I'm edging him on

I'm calling him You're calling him? I call him, I have his number I set my thing to private I called him once coming back from a gig This is after the suing thing I was a bit drunk So I call him up

And he's in I don't know where he is He goes, so I call him up and he's in, I don't know where he is. He goes, hello. I went, Austin? It's Chris. And he goes, who? Like in a girl's voice. And I go, is Austin there, please? Oh, who is this? Right?

And then I'm going, it's Chris. Can I speak to Austin? And I go, look, just fucking put Austin on. Right? And then he's like, no. And I go, look, just fucking put Austin on. Right? And then he's like, no. I go, oh, okay. If you think this is funny, then chances this is Austin. Right?

Like, oh, yeah, you think this is funny. Austin, I need to talk to you. He hangs up. I call him back twice more. He just doesn't answer the phone. Then the next day, he rings up and says that I've been ringing up and hanging up like a coward. He rang me and hung up like a coward and I've been hassling his people.

I mean, that is technically true. Every phone call that's technically true of, you rang and then you hung up. It's not a lie. Yeah, we're not still on the phone. It's not an endless Skype call. I'm not made of money. That's a massive STD bill. Yeah, we're not still on the phone. It's not an endless Skype call. I'm not made of money. That's a massive STD bill. Yeah, absolutely.

So has there been any, because you and I have talked about this the last couple of times I've been to Sydney. You were saying you were a little bit fearful that he's going to have you killed somehow. Well, yeah, he's that kind of psycho. Because you know what, in the end, how much can a koala bear? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Well, it's just good that now we a koala bear? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, it's just good that now we're on the record as trashing him as well. So now at least we're going down with you. On the record, I'd like to say that he's my favourite comedian and he is an inspiration to me and all of us. And without him, Australia would not even have electricity. Yeah. I'd like to say that he's my dad and I love him very dearly. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to stick with it. He's a cunt. That's okay. I'm going to stick with that. He's the only one that keeps glass out of the pizzas at Veggie Bar. Yeah. If it weren't for him, it would be glass.

Glass out of the pizza. That is interesting though, isn't it? How would that happen? That's very dangerous. Just to get back to it. Oh, man. Like, it was insane. The level of just – you'd think that would happen and they would be like,

oh, my God, I'm so – Are you okay? Do you think you've ingested any? Yeah. Literally the first words out of his mouth were, oh, that's weird. And here's the thing, I'd eaten half of it. And he goes, well, that's going to be on the house. That glass is free.

But he goes, are you just right to finish, just like plough on? Well, that's going to be on the house. That glass is free. But he goes, are you just right to finish, just like plough on? And I thought I was but it's pretty hard to crack on once you know there has been glass. But you don't know there's not more glass in there. That's exactly it. Yeah, that's exactly it. That's the great food reviewer question. How do you know if you've eaten all the glass yet? Yeah.

You don't know. Yeah, exactly. It should be, sorry, here's another pizza. It's for free. There's a wristie around the corner. The waitress of your – waiter or waitress of your choice. Yeah, I would have been going, get me another – get me what I ordered. I didn't order one with fucking glass in it for one.

Well, but then when the waitress came to clear the plates, I thought she might have known what the situation was. And so she comes to take mine and it's like half left minus one slice with just this glob that I'd spat out once I realised it had glass in it. And so she goes, oh, everything okay? And I go, oh, yeah, you know. And she's like, oh, what? And I went, oh, I don't want to go into it with her. I'm like, no, no, it was, go, oh, yeah, you know. And she's like, oh, what? And I went, oh, I don't want to go into it with her.

I'm like, no, no, it was fine. It was good. But just as she's carrying away a half-eaten pizza, half of which is spat up on the side of the plate. It'd be funny if she's picking up all the empties and she picks up an actual glass and goes, that's weird that that's not in the pizza. And then just like smashes it into the pizza.

Or you just get a glass of water and in the bottom of your glass there's like a little bit of pizza crust just floating around in there. It goes both ways. What flavour was the pizza if this was a vegetarian place? Well, this is the thing. It was like a pizza with like a lot of rocket on it on the top. So I think the glass may have gotten in like in the batch of rocket. It was hiding within the ground.

That bums me out, having rocket on a pizza. I'm like just fucking put pizza on there. Oh, hello. Oh, here we go. Jesus Christ. Hello, Mr. Tatius. I'm so sorry. That's my alarm.

Well, guys, I think that just brings us just about to the end of the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Chris Wainhouse, Bart Freebin, thanks very much for joining us. Yeah, buddies. Can I do a plug? Yes. Okay. Gig tonight? It won't go out tonight, right? It's going up straight after this. for joining us. Yeah, buddies. Can I do a plug? Yes. Okay. Gig tonight.

It won't go out tonight, right? It's going up straight after this. Oh, okay. Okay, great. If you're hot off the presses, Five Burrows Comedy tonight. Yes. Hosting. That'll be good.

It's probably too late for most of you. It's the 20th of November. Yep. But if you're quick off the draw, leave your $50 notes at home because Wayne House is coming for them. It's a great room and Wayne House is a great comedian. Yes. It's a spectacular line-up tonight.

The club in the next two nights? Yep, the comedy club. And do you have Sydney fans? Do you have Sydney people listening? Oh, okay. Well, the Antichrist at the Comedy Store on the 12th of December. Great. My solo show.

Good little Christmas present. Good Christmas present. 12th of November and Wayne House is awesome. So please Sydney. And a lot of Sydney fans come and see everyone that comes on the show. So go and see Chris.

Yeah, absolutely. You'll be pleasantly impressed to the maximum. I'm going to put that in my bio. Pleasantly impressed to the maximum. Pleasantly impressed to the maximum. Quote from Bill and Ted and Bart. Finty Bart you got stuff

coming up Bart yeah I've got a lot of secret gigs I can't tell anyone about okay good place to talk about yeah just ASIO balls deep in ASIO

getting all their secrets all their jizz yeah just stealing it they're busting into my room are the secrets within the jizz there's a lot of

information in jizz that's how they encode it isn't Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles too secret of the jizz secret of the jizz? There's a lot of information in jizz. That's how they encode it. Isn't Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 Secret of the Jizz? Secret of the Jizz, yeah. And that's where the shredder's involved because he gets rid of the information after you've read it.

That's really lacking from the Ninja Turtles, isn't it? They're teenagers. They don't do enough jerking off. They probably take them way too long. They're turtles. Yeah. They jerk off once every 12 years.

That's a whole movie It's just an hour And a half session Of them all It's like that movie What's the name of the movie That just came out Oh my god

The one that was Just real time Like nearly real time Their whole life Oh Boyhood Boyhood It's like Boyhood It's like that

Yeah Turtle Hood They're trying to jack it off For 40 years It's a 40 year movie No just go to my website Bartlul.com And Something for the Drive Home

Check out the podcast Cool Oh yeah Check out Something for the Drive Home. Check out the podcast. Cool. Oh, yeah. Check out Something for the Drive Home, Bart and Nick Cody's podcast. We're in Sydney next Sunday, the 30th of November. Tickets are selling pretty quickly. Jump on them. It's going to be awesome.

It's only a small venue, so get in quick before it sells out or before you get a really crummy seat because it's not too big, the venue. But it's going to be awesome. We've got special guests too big, the venue. But it's going to be awesome. We've got special guests, special Sydney guests. Yeah, it's going to be heaps of fun. And then the week after that, Sunday, December the 7th, in Melbourne doing a big end-of-year show at Five Burrows. Our fourth birthday show.

Our fourth birthday show. Anyone who's been before, you'll know they're heaps of fun. So jump on it. Yeah, particularly the celebration ones there always seems to be something stupid happens so get in get in again

it'll sell out so get in quick yeah guys thanks heaps for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates