The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 221 - Danny McGinlay & Karl Woodberry

Episode Date: December 28, 2014

Bigger M, Scraps and Discount Vouchers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. Hey, so it's New Year's Eve right now. Is it? If you're listening to this as it's out. Yes. How else would people be listening to this?

Yeah, as it's just come out Yeah, it's New Year's Eve It's New Year's Eve What are you doing right now? I'm Ten, nine, eight Hang on, get closer so you're the closest person I can kiss Under the New Year's Eve mistletoe

I'm, well I'm here at the biggest party in town I mean I'm just right in front of this luxurious fruit bowl Just going to go party with this No, that's actually what? Two little bits of nectarine and a half a tennis ball or something. Oh, well, now you've given away who one of the guests is. And also it's clearly Christmas Day because that's Christmas dinner, not New Year's Eve party.

First of all, joining us from his very own house, always exciting when we get to welcome someone into their own abode. You know him from the Wisdom Laughter podcast. It's Carl Woodbury. From his very own house. Always exciting when we get to welcome someone into their own abode. You know him from the Wisdom Laughter podcast. It's Carl Woodbury. It's a Christmas miracle. Yeah, now you get an opportunity to explain yourself with that goddamn fruit bowl. What's going on there?

Yeah, it's actually... Now that you don't drink or do drugs, are you a vegetarian as well? Yeah. Oh, right. Vegetarian or vegan? Vegetarian. Okay. Do you even celebrate Christmas anymore as well

or is that another fun thing that you just want to strike off the calendar? Yeah, no, that's another thing I want to strike off the calendar. I do nothing now. I just look at my two bits of fruit in the bowl. Or do you call it a fucking nectarine and a half a tennis ball? Yeah. Yeah, good one. I had a sad realisation in my house.

Sorry, squash ball. Sorry. I had a sad realisation in my house the other day every now and then. I'll be in the supermarket getting stuff to make dinner. I go, you know what? I should get some fruit. I'll get some fruit and try and be healthy, have some fruit in the house. It'll inspire me to eat it.

And then by the time I get around to going, I'm going to have a banana, I go and I go, oh, well, that's rotten now. And I never end up eating the fruit that I buy. It's just a sad cycle. The ratio to carrots eaten to bought would be one to five, I reckon. Yeah? Just continually. That's my daily thing.

Get up, chuck a carrot out of the crisper into the bin and then have a muffin. That's how you know the day's truly started. Some people have their morning coffee. You just like to hear the sound. And there's a good thud that you get with a carrot. No, not a thud. It's just a bounce because it's all bendy, that carrot. It's turned rubber.

Yeah, exactly. Well, speaking of bendy carrots You know our next guest From The Circle It's a palmer pie Oh that's a shame No he's got a DVD out right now Danny McGinley The Complete First Season

Please welcome back Into the Little Dumb Dumb Club Danny McGinley That is a shame When you go You may know him from, and then you visibly see an ellipsis. Oh, boy, I should have done a shred of research here. It would have been good.

It's just good when we're in the person's house and it's easy for me and I go, oh, where am I? Oh, I'm in their house. That's an easy one. You may know him from here. But no, we briefly mentioned this at the end of your last appearance that it was about to come out. Since then it has come out.

It has. Your first ever live stand-up DVD. Yes. Danny McGinley, the complete first season. Oh, thank you, Carl. Recorded live at the Butterfly Club in Melbourne. Correct. And features as a special feature a director's commentary

featuring me and you and Carl Chandler, Nick Cody and Harley Breen. You didn't want to do an indulgent kind of talking about the craft so you got us in to roast you. I think you did want to do that but then we turned it into something quite different. So a few listeners out there have listened to it already. Yeah, a few. When I sell it on my website, danmiganday.com.

My website. I respect your commitment to Borat references. Yes, please. It's really getting to the stage of purely fucking irritating, which means retro cool is right around the corner. Exactly, yes. We're seconds away. Are you stealing the reference from another podcast?

Yeah, that's exactly it. Stealing from Comedy Bang Bang, which I frown heavily upon. Oh, okay. I'm sorry, boss of everything. Thank you. Finally, my correct title has been brought into the podcast. Yeah, that's exactly it. Silly from Comedy Bang Bang, which I frown heavily upon. Oh, okay. I'm sorry, boss of everything. Thank you. Finally, my correct title has been brought into the podcast. Didn't you nearly win a competition with that guy? Yeah.

Earwolf? Oh, yeah. The Earwolf Challenge. Yeah, we did. And he gifted it to us. It was our second prize. Yeah. Wasn't he gracious enough to come on your podcast in America a couple of times?

He was. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not blaming him. I'm blaming Daslo for it. You've misjudged where I've aimed that missile. I just thought you hated Sacha Baron Cohen. So, your DVD. I've sold probably over 100 units of the DVD so far.

When you say over 100, 101. No, no, he means 85. Over 100 grams worth of DVDs. And I always just send an email saying, hey, I've sent it. By the way, Crap Market Research, how did you hear about it? And I think 98% have gone, dumb, dumb, I want to hear them call you a cunt. Oh, yes. We don't do that enough on this show.

You cunt. So, yeah, thanks to all the dumb, dumb folk who's done it. And Nick Cody's famously ripped off my idea. Yeah, we're the comedy bang, bang to Nick Cody's DVD. Yeah, he ripped off your idea of all of us calling you a cunt. Yeah, because if you have listened to McGinley's and you haven't heard Cody's yet, it is the sequel in a lot of ways because we go on Cody's and we just continue giving you shit. That's true. It sequel In a lot of ways Because we just We go on Cody's

And we just continue Giving you shit Like It's not a roast of Cody At all It's just a continuing Roast of you We don't usually do ads

This high up in the show But definitely If you're a fan of this show And you've listened to this show Heaps Please go And not only support Guests that have been on the podcast

Like Danny and Cody But I reckon Their commentary On those DVDs Are better than any episode We've ever done on here To be quite honest It's only more R rated Right on the podcast like Danny and Cody, but I reckon their commentary on those DVDs are better than any episode we've ever done on here, to be quite honest. It's probably more R-rated. Right, right.

On here, you guys at least try to keep some sort of narrative with anecdotes and Donalds and everything. I've been told. Yeah. But, yeah, just there it was straight at, look, Daniel Sage, what a fuckhead. Well, you, I mean, in Cody's one, here's some sweet sizzle for the listeners. You drop the N-bomb at one point. Oh, hey, no. It's on stage. What a fuckhead. Well, you, I mean, in Cody's one, here's some sweet sizzle for the listeners.

You drop the N-bomb at one point. Oh, hey, no. It's in context. It's contextual racism. By the way, dannymcginlay.com for all your hate mail. Slash hatred. Yeah, dannyatferguson.missouri. .missouri, that's a long, that's not even abbreviated.

Yeah, there's no.com at the end of that. It's just.missouri. Some black people com At the end of that It's just a dot Missouri Some black people stole it Yeah Oh my god He's at it again One of the great features Of Danny's DVD

Is it doesn't try And keep the black man Down at any point Oh my god How is our Rodney King live going Oh man Rodney King and Rodney Root

Are doing a tour together Oh that's a good character Rodney King Root Rodney Root King and Rodney Root are doing a tour together. No, that's a good character, Rodney King Root. King Rodney Root. Yeah, okay. The great man. Good workshop, guys. We're here.

We're actually recording this before Christmas. So we're here in the Woodbury household. There's a flush little Christmas tree there with a lot of parcels wrapped up. And something that I, you know, it's much more than I expected of the Woodbury household, to be honest. I just thought there'd be like a burning tyre in here. You know how long it took me to get that burning tyre out before you guys came? Oh, we can still smell it from here.

And a few empty Big M cartons sitting around it. Yeah, because I don't drink anymore, so I just smash massive Big M's now. You were about to say beer bottles, weren't you? I wasn't. Oh, shit, he doesn't drink. No, I wasn't. Oh, okay. Big M's is sadder than a beer bottle anyway.

Summer Big M's. Like multiple empty Big M cartons. Have you guys seen that Big M currently is doing a Pepsi challenge? You can get chocolate bigger and chocolate classic. I did see that. What is that all about? I have no idea. No, I think what it is is they've changed the formula Bigger and Chocolate Classic. I did see that. What is that all about? I have no idea. They've not...

No, I think what it is is they've changed the formula and that classic thing of people going, we hate that thing and then they've sort of changed it back. I think that's all it is, isn't it? Well, I bought the Bigger, not just... I just thought it was like, you know, Bigger was their new catchphrase or whatever. I had a taste.

It tasted exactly the same. Sweet catchphrase. Bigger. Bigger M. With Bigger M With bigger M That's why we hired you Ricky I do like that bigger M If they had called it bigger M

They haven't called it that have they? It says big No it's bigger chocolate on there Oh they're idiots Bigger M is better Because there's two sizes There's your little square carton And then there's your big rectangle carton

Why aren't they called big M and bigger M? Yeah that's perfect I get put off drinking big M and I hope someone out there, I hope someone in Milk Central can answer this question. By the way, this is very Victorian. In Queensland you've got your classic. In New South Wales I think it's Breaker. In every state there is milk.

Yeah, this is flavoured milk. If you've got a cow and you've seen liquid seep out of it That's what we're talking about I mean that's the one thing that unites us all across this great southern land of ours Isn't it? That we all have milk Yeah So I got told a long time ago And it's really put me off drinking Big M

That they put the worst grade milk into Big M Oh really? Really? Yeah and it's like the milk they sweep off the factory floor The lips and arseholes of milk Yes Oh, really? Really? Yeah. And it's like the milk they sweep off the factory floor. The lips and arseholes of milk. Yes. Yes.

That's why they can't call it milk. It's just big mmm. Yeah. Not legally required. Really? Exactly. Like that thing like KFC where they would say, oh, they can't legally call it because it's not actually chicken. Yeah, yeah.

You need to take three letters off that name or you can get sued. You need to take off the ilk. If you add enough sugar, anything tastes good. Yeah. This bull semen that we're all enjoying. Yes. I heard the same thing about the Maxi Bon. Bull S.

I did an episode of my little food show with Will Anderson and he was in a Maxi Bon ad earlier in his career. Yeah. And he was telling me at no point in the ad was he allowed to say it's an ice cream because it's still like you can't say that because it's technically – it's like not a – They it's still like you can't say that because it's technically – They should have probably said you can't say that because it's not in the script.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I often find when I'm acting in a commercial they say, by the way, you really can't drop the N-bomb as much as I can. Someone should have said that a week ago when you did a director's commentary. DVD commentary. Yeah, I love Big N. It's the best. Thank you

I What I don't get Let's say this is Your theory holds true Chandler Yeah And by the way If you can't tell already We're doing two of these episodes

In one day Which is why we're so desperate To spend so long Talking about milk I still can't pick the difference Between any other episode But let's say I've still got a point ready

On Big M So don't Let's say your theory holds true and it's a New Coke situation. Why are you fucking with chocolate? Why are you changing? Like what is there to do with the flavouring of chocolate at this point? I mean you'd have to be some kind of mad,

especially seeing what happened with New Coke. Why is anyone, I mean. Yeah, I agree. I don't, well, I think all it is is they're making it more chocolatey, isn't it? Yeah, that's how you do it. Because classic chocolate in Queensland is definitely a richer chocolate than your Big M down here in Victoria. I feel like Big M as a company,

all it needs to be now is a plant that just puts out the product. There's no need for them to be in there rethinking the brand, coming up with new ideas. You make flavoured milk and nothing's going to change about that and people don't want anything different. But they have the rotating flavour, Tommy. They've got your chocolate, iced coffee, strawberry, banana. That's your four stalwarts and there's always a fifth player.

What's your favourite alternative? Of the players? Of the bench warmers. Yeah, of the ones who are coming in, the rotators. Definitely mocha was my favourite. Oh, mocha. Where they combine. Because my two favourites are iced coffee and chocolate. It's often hard for me to decide.

Bang. That's pretty good. But egg flip. I love an egg flip. This is the point I've been sitting on. I fucking love an egg flip. I know, but egg flip has been the rotating flavour for over a year now, Big M. Nah, good, because it wasn't in there.

It wasn't in there for like years and years and years before that. It had like seven years on the bench. And look, I think this is a very worthy thing of trying to explain here. Egg flip flavour. I've never had an egg flip and an egg flip to anyone outside of Victoria would sound – so is there egg in the milk? Even to people in Victoria it sounds bad. By the way, if you're tweeting in the hashtag, it's Q&A.

Here's the best way – It's a post-World War II drink That they used to Like my mum used to make it for us And it's like milk, sugar, egg It's like eggnog I couldn't tell I describe it to people as being like a mix between vanilla and caramel

I reckon that's the best way to describe the flavour of it It doesn't taste like egg It doesn't taste like egg at all Here's the thing I'm fascinated with the flavour of milk is that I would say the majority of sales happen, right, or this is what I've been led to believe, the majority of sales happen to like tradies who go to lunch break, go to morning tea break, whatever it is, and sit down after doing hard work and then go, I would mind some chucky milky now.

It's a strange one, isn't it? And you see those like new brands of iced coffee and stuff that come out where they try and make it like all kind of like this isn't the kind of coffee that your girlfriend gets from your favourite cafe. This is a man's one. Yeah. In a big bottle shaped like a stubby. And cold so you don't burn your tongue.

That's why Big M are trying to do all this new marketing because they're getting squashed by these – I did some laboring work and everyone smashes the – Ice break. Ice break, the double espresso dares and that sort of thing. It's like, yeah, it's like 11 coffees up your ass, mate. You fucking love it. It comes with a little funnel so that you can put it up your ass. You know what?

I take back what I said about Big M being cool. That one's better. Big N-ma. So, yeah, anyway. You had something on Big M. No, it was the egg flip ranch. Oh, okay. But in the past, there's been Choc Berry,

which was tasted like cherry ripe. Honeycomb? Yeah, they did do Honeycomb. I like Honeycomb. They did Vanilla, which was pretty good. The weirdest one ever, and you should talk to, I wish Carl Woodbury was Dave O'Neill here because he was quite passionate about this.

Choc Pine. It's like they didn't have the guts to release pineapple flavoured so they just threw in chocolate and it was just wrong. Dave has a whole chapter in his first book about this. Literally a whole chapter of his book is about Choc Pine. Is this unfit for life? Yeah. Yeah, great book.

You can buy it out of Dave's the boot of Dave's car literally can I saw it in a bookshop once for $5 I was like do you want to join me to buy some of these for you he's like yes I buy them for more than that from the

publisher so yeah one of my one of my very early gigs I was on with him and I was like oh I really like he just was like I think he bought it up he's like yeah I got a copy of my book in the car if you want it. I was like, yeah, that'd be great.

I went and got it and he signed it for me. Yeah. That's a Rolf Harris classic. Circle of life, eh? Big M's. Yeah. Blue Heaven. When's Blue Heaven making a comeback?

You don't see that listed anymore. What flavour was Blue Heaven? It was just sort of like blue. It was a vanilla-y but with a bit of something else in there. It's like the blue Powerade. You know, what the hell are you doing? It's like blue squirty milkshake stuff, you know? Oh, don't close it up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a bowl of fruit. Why don't you put the squirty bit in there? But you're right, though. When you drink a Blue Heaven, it's one of those weird things where it's like, oh, yeah, this tastes like the colour blue. No, it doesn't. It does.

It does. It's a taste of sugar. I know, but it's like in my head I go, this is what this colour should taste like. It's like rainbow paddle pop. I mean, that's just vanilla or caramel, depending on which conspiracy theorist you talk to. You can't taste all the different purples and pinks and stuff in there.

Oh, God, your kid's strapping for a bad life. He's Ukrainian. Really, turnip has too much flavour. The pickled mackerel he's going to get instead of an ice cream is going to be the best. Only at Christmas. It's your Christmas mackerel.

So this is your first Christmas with child. Yes. Does that add an extra element to the family proceedings? No, because he's eight months old. He doesn't know what the hell's going on. So is he getting anything? Yeah, heaps from everyone else, but not from us.

We're not going to bother because he doesn't know. And really it does sort of put a – like New Year's Eve, do you guys know what I'm doing? I'm probably going to bed early because he's going to wake up at six like he does every morning. Oh, being a dad's hard, guys. Really, it's the first time ever all through December I've been just going, oh, New Year's.

Oh, yeah, New Year's. Well, that just reminded me of – this feels weird telling it without him here but a friend of ours, Luke Heggy, comedian from Sydney, was telling us during the comedy festival that he – so he's come down from Sydney to Melbourne for the Melbourne Comedy Festival the last couple of years and one of his kids

their birthday is during the comedy festival and we were like oh that must be really hard what do you do and he said well

she's young enough that we just have her birthday before I come down here and tell her that that's her birthday and we can probably get away with that for like another couple of years

before she'll start to work out and go, wait a minute. Wait a minute, my birthday's in December 25. 25. Every three years. Yeah, it's one of those really rare leap Christmases. Leap birthdays. Why not just keep that going? Like just alter the birth certificate.

Like she's never going to know Yeah I am Here's a thing Here's a thing I want to put out to the panel Excellent Yeah This would be What's our second favourite flavour of chocolate

So This is something I'd like to hear from the panel This would be If I said this on a I'd love to say this on an FM radio station and get callers in to see what would you do

in this situation or is there any takers we'll be the callers yeah yeah okay so this could be like those things when you know

the show's struggling and they have to call up have you ever had that I've had friends who've worked on radio shows where they've had to call up and go look man we've put a topic out

and like on Fox oh that happens all the time no one is biting on this. Can you pretend to be some guy from the suburbs just saying that you hate Christmas or whatever? Yeah. I think I've done that before. That happens.

Truckloads. Yeah, you've got your standard callers. I was a jock for three years. And also when you've got a crap prize that no one's ringing up for. I just ring my mates and say, mate, can you pretend to be excited about Nickelback tickets? I don't have to go. No, no, no, no, no.

Just like, oh, sweet. Yeah. Yeah, great. Yeah. Alright, so give us the sign in. Well, here's, I guess here's a question to start off. Have you, and this is a legitimate question, this is not looking down on anyone or insinuating anything, but You looked at me, but good. That dance from last week is bad. But,

has anyone here ever been to a they would have called it a house of ill repute? A brothel. Is that the most politically correct term you can have for it? I think you can just call it a brothel.

Cat house if you want to go depression era. What did you say call it before? A house of ill repute. Have you ever heard that phrase? I reckon that's worse than brothel. But I like the sound of it. Well as long as you enjoy the sound of it. What did you say, call it before? House of ill repute. Have you ever heard that phrase? I reckon that's worse than brothel. That's way worse. Probably. But I like the sound of it. Well, as long as you enjoy the sound of it, nothing's offensive if you personally enjoy the sound of it. As long as I say it with a smile on my face, that's fine.

That became a new law. You can say anything you want, you just have to have a smile on your door. Happy racist rules coming to affect again, guys. Finally, we championed it for a long time. A little wink and a smile with that one. I think the blokes down at the footy club used to call it the crackers. The crackers? The crackers was their term.

I've never heard that. So did we get a yes from anyone? Yeah, I've been to one. Been actively involved in... The story is it was literally almost... Last week. Actually, very close to 10 years ago to the day. Oh, my God. Take a present. It's another Christmas ago. Last week. Actually very close to ten years ago to the day. Oh, my God.

Take a present. Ten-year anniversary. It's another Christmas miracle. Thank you. Oh, no, 11 years. Sorry. Anyway. What are you meant to get for the 11th anniversary?

This is cum. Cum. Yeah, paper bronze gold cum. Why is it in a Ziploc bag? There's a big leap from bronze to cum. And in your hundreds do you get cum from the Queen? Exactly. I was working at Video Easy on St George's Road, North Fitzroy.

We know where this is ending up, in a brothel. And we had our Christmas party just across the road at the Parkview Hotel back when it was good. Let's not get political on the podcast. We're about to do our live show there next week, Danny. Thanks a lot. And it got to the end of the night and me and the other manager, I was night manager and the day manager and the new kid

were all that were left. And then we just started ultimately bullying him, going, hey, mate, you got a girlfriend? You got anything? And he, because he was drunk, he let slip that he was a virgin. And so the other guy just went, right, we're going, brother, right now. Right, we're going to stick a copy of Spy Kids 2 up his ass. And we drunk drove

to to a brothel went inside and and the other guy we walk in the other guy goes

he seemed to know exactly where to go and what to do he goes right give us the oldest chick you've got and then he

and we he paid and then he made me pay the other half and we bought this guy's lost lost his virginity for him. And this is when you were, was Video Easy still open or did you just all take off out of the shop or?

Because you could have done that this week. Like, no one would have walked in. The owner of those stores has long gone bankrupt. Yeah, yeah. Just because of that night. To bring out one of our favourite obscure references, if you'd worked at Video Busters on Smith Street... Oh, you did work there.

..you probably just would have had a, you know, just a sex worker in the corner next to all the knick-knacks anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could have cooled his dick on a gelati afterwards. I got sacked from there. From Video Busters? From Video Busters Smith Street. Well, you weren't hawking the African knacks.

We were stealing the magic eye puzzles. When I was there, it was actually all videos, literally videos, VHS and stuff, DVD. Before they saw the light. Oh, man. I was starting to bring in yo-yos to sell. No, once they finally busted all those videos. You actually recently, Carl,

you wore the Video Busters shirt that I bought you once as a gift from in there. Yeah, I think that's gone now. Oh, what? I had to clean out some stage and I couldn't justify my Video Busters T-shirt. Oh, no, you should have given it back to me. Oh, sorry. Royalty at the Pink Palace.

I have never been to a brothel, but I have smoked crack with a prostitute. Hey, sex worker, please. We will get in trouble. We will get in trouble. The oldest profession followed by the newest profession. What? Smoking crack is the oldest profession? Hey, remember a minute ago when we were listening

to McGinley's boring-ass story? All of a sudden we've got a crack-smoking story. All right. So it was, I don't know if I haven't told it on this podcast but I did it on mine about when I haven't told it on this podcast, but I did it on mine about when I was the mascot for an AFL Queensland team, just for their grand final. And the night before.

I can't wait to see how you join the dots between that end bit and that start bit. Quickly, I worked for a sporting company and like they all played for an AFL Queensland team. And I said, hey, you guys. You can just say Brisbane Lions. There's only two Queensland AFL teams and only one's ever made a grand final. No, no, no, no, because it's like their VFL or whatever. Oh, State League.

Yeah, State League. And I said, if you guys make it to the grand final. Southport Sharks. The Northern Zillmere Eagles. Oh, the NZE. Classic them. Yep, yep, they're good. And so a bunch of the people that I worked for played for that team.

I said, if you guys make it to the grand final, it's been a dream of mine to be a mascot. How old were you? 23. Oh, boy. It's been a dream of yours. Was it actually a dream of yours? Yeah, for sure.

Absolutely. And I was like, fuck, how good would that be? Do you mean a mascot, a guy in the suit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, okay. Not just the little kid running out through the banner holding hands with the captain. Is that what you thought I was talking about?

So much better. Boys, just to give us a bit of inspiration for the game tonight, there's a 23-year-old man out there who's off his head on crack and he wants us to win this game. Who actually believes he is a shark. Don't call me. And so they made it to the grand final. I was like, yes.

They're like, well, we don't really have a budget to hire you the costume, so you're going to have to get it yourself. I'm like, no problem. Are you the prostitute in this story? Sex worker. Sex worker, come on. That behaviour also preparing you for a career in comedy.

Yes, exactly. You need to come and do this job for us. You've got to pay to get yourself there. Yeah, yep. And it just so happened that it coincided with the night of this, my friends were having a heavy metal. So hang on, so to be the mascot, they don't even own their own mascot suit. No.

You have to hire it. Their mascot suit is in the, they're just leaving it up to you to make your own mascot uniform? Yeah, yeah. They don't even want anything to do with it really. I'm just like, I'm pushing the fact. Oh, so they didn't have a mascot at all? No, no. So you just could rock up as an octopus and went, I'm your new mascot. And they go, all right, as long as we don't have to pay for it, yes. It was an eagle because the team was the eagles. Oh, so they didn't have a mascot at all? No. So you just could rock up as an octopus and went, I'm your new mascot, and they'd go, all right,

as long as we don't have to pay for it, yes. It was an eagle because the team was the eagles. It wasn't the Zillmere octopuses. Hey, the team name now is the Cal Woodbury Casual Clothes. That's it. Go KWCCs. I'm wearing an Airwalk shirt. I love the cashies. Go theWCC. I'm wearing an Airwalk shirt. I love the cashies.

Go the cashies. And so, yeah, it happened to coincide with the night of this massive heavy metal gig that my friends were putting on called The Bloodbath, right? And this band from Melbourne called Bloodduster. Have you heard of them? I have. Yeah, Bloodduster. Yeah, Bloodduster.

They were playing right. And he had family up there and one of his brothers was this fucking strung out crackhead and shit. And it just so happened that it ended up being me and him driving around the suburbs smoking crack and he goes, oh, I've got to pick up my girlfriend. And we went past, fuck, I forget what it was called. Blue something was the name of the brothel. Blue Heaven Milkshake, yes.

Yeah, that's the flavour. Just a taste of sugar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweet pussy sugar. Oh, my God. Wow. They do taste like blue, depressed. Yeah.

And Beyond Blue Heaven. Oh, yes. Yes. Finally, we've got a sponsor for the show. Oh, great. Neck yourself deliciously. Change the flavour of necking yourself. Yeah.

Bigger neck yourself. It doesn't really taste like necking yourself if you ask me. And if you or anyone you know is suffering, you try this delicious new milk. His head's blue. There you go. That's something. And so I'm just there. We're smoking crack. We're driving around. His head's blue There you go That's something And And

And so I'm just there We're smoking crack We're driving around He's just some fucking wipeout dude I'm just you know Not like me Who was like

A quality citizen Yeah buying your own mascot uniform Yeah At 23 yeah And he goes Picks her up And I'm sitting in the back And she's in the front

And they start having a full on argument Mid crack pipe Like Fucking you shouldn't be fucking doing this shit anyway. And she's like, fuck you, cut it, you don't have a job. And I'm just in the back, this smoking cracker. You guys are fucked. Are you still in your uniform?

No, this is the night before. Oh, right. And so it happens and it gets to like 6.37 in the morning and I had to be there at nine. So I have zero sleep, cracked out, drunk, put my fucking uniform on, get to the supporters' place, like catch a cab to where the supporters are and their bus is going down there like, yeah, supporters. You caught a cab dressed as an eagle.

Yeah. Well done. And I named myself Scraps the Eagle. Scraps? Yeah. That's the worst name for an eagle I've ever heard. And they gave me an old jersey and I printed my own number on the back and the name.

It was a dream car. Okay. And I get there, right? And just to give this complete context, this is the best moment of your life at this point. Oh, yeah. This is something you've wanted for ages. I'm living the dream, right, at that exact point.

And I get out of the cab and I'm like, I feel shit. It's fine, though, because it's going to be like, I'm in a fucking, this is pretty good, right? The full head, everything. And I'm out and I get there and there's all about 35 guys, right? And I get out and I'm like, woo, Scrapsy Eagle. They have been told zero is a mascot coming. About a cunt who knows zero about AFL.

They've given me nothing. They're just like, oh, you. And one of the guys who knew me from work is like, oh, sick. I'm like, yeah, you're pretty good, isn't it? I just went and sat on a crate by myself for a while. No one's paying attention to me. We get in the supporters bus and we drive down to Gold Coast. It was that from Brisbane to the Gold Coast.

We're playing the Gold Coast team. So an hour. So an hour drive down there. It's starting to warm to me a tiny bit and I'm like. How can you not like someone called Scraps? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. The lovable crackhead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at his eagle eyes. I've never seen an eagle, let alone an eagle that's asking me for five bucks every couple of minutes. Look at him trying to peck out the eyes of another bird. It's adorable. Look at him actually trying, thinking he can fly. Fuck. And I get in there and we're on the supporters hill And I guess it's like

Oh Now I'm the mascot At this thing Yeah And people are like Do a backflip cunt I'm like Zero backflip game

So that wasn't gonna happen Little kids keep coming up Going Ducky Ducky Ducky I'm an eagle They're like

Ducky Get away from the ducky honey Yeah And Scraps the duck Does sound better Yeah What a fucking idiot what a poor choice that guy would have made so anyway i've gone up to like so the they're mixed the the supporters from both teams are mixed up on the

the grassy knoll you know where you can watch the footy from and so i've gone up to kind of taunt the other team i thought that's kind of funny they do that in the nba don't they like you know they're like fuck you to the other team i went up to like of taunt the other team. I thought that's kind of funny. They do that in the NBA, don't they? Like, you know, fuck you to the other team. I went up to like a bunch of these fucking Gold Coast Bogans. Like, go, go, go, go, go. Like, yeah, this is pretty good, eh, guys? I wish people could see the hip thrusting that you're doing at the moment. You leapt out of your seat to do that.

That was great. I'm painting the picture, Tommy. Yeah, no, I'm enjoying it. And they've probably rightfully so gotten pissed off. I'm like, fuck you, cunt. And I've gone to walk away. Like, yeah, that was pretty good. And the guys on my team have definitely warmed up to me now going, yeah,

scraps. I'm like, this is sick. And one of the people from the Gold Coast team has picked up a full can of beer and piffed it, hit me in the back of the neck, dropped me to the ground. And I've just gone, oh, fuck. I'm on the ground and I turn around and like, even though they hated me, they're still like,

you don't fuck with our mascot. So it's like half blue starts up between these two teams. I'm over in the corner just like, oh, what's going on here? And one of the guys. Scraps has literally caused a scrap. And so one of the supporters from our team has tried to return fire and he's gone to piff a beer like pretty far away and it's just so happened that a girl from their supporting team stood up two metres away and copped a full can of beer

at two metres point blank in the side of their head and this big brawl started up. Like three guys got kicked out and the cops came and everything and I'm standing there in the corner just like, oh, man. Scraps you done it wrong. And, yeah, big time. And one of the guys who organized the supporters just did this look over to me and just shook his head like this was all my fault.

And the team, I thought, you know what? The only way this is going to be good is if the team wins. If the team wins, it's going to be fine. In the last like 45 seconds. I reckon it's still going to be pretty bad if you lose. But, you know, it's going to be like, oh, let's forget about our fucking pending court cases because of this dumb cunt. Yeah, this was the original script of the Mighty Ducks 3.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The flying D for dumb cunt. The C word has been said so many times in this story. Has it really? Yeah, it's been said about seven times by now. I talk bad. It's good. He's telling a story from a football game in Queensland, so I think we should allow this.

Yeah, I've edited this down for you guys, right? I'm giving this episode to my dad for Christmas. That's why I'm particularly into it. Another Christmas miracle. And the team loses. Our team loses in the last minute by a goal. They just lose and it's so devoid. And so I'm sitting, we get back to their team house back in Brisbane.

It's like 10.30 at night or whatever on a Sunday. You're obviously a big footy fan. This has been your dream because you just called it the team house. Yeah. You mean you didn't do any mascotting at intermission? Yeah. I told them all to go to the lobby. I don't think it worked out.

They had a good first quarter Or entree Yeah yeah yeah Wait for the mains guys And we get there And they're all having their dinner Their solemn dinner And because no one had told them That I was coming

I didn't get Any like lasagna Or whatever Or steak Or whatever they were getting Right So someone rustled up A bag of cheesels for me

Right And it's fucking dead quiet In this place Everyone's just bummed out eating it. And all you can hear is this fucking eagle just... On a fucking... On a cheezel. I had no money left.

So I went to the train station to try and catch a train back to my house. Still dressed as an eagle? Still dressed as an eagle. I got the head off at this point. And there's no connecting train because it was late on a Sunday in fucking Queensland in the 2000s. And so I had to walk two and a half, three Ks from like the intersection train back to my house. And it's just so weird that at the, like right near my house

where the corner of the streets meet, you know, two sidewalks meet and there's like a little dip up that you can sort of get up. There's just a fucking rocking chair there for no reason. It was like blurry. I'd been up for a day and a half. I smell like piss. There's fucking like bourbon stains on me. You've run out of cheesels.

Yeah, I've run out of cheesels and meth. Worsely. Feeling so shit And I just sat down on that fucking chair And just bawled my eyes out On a rocking chair Rocking back and forth Trying to gain momentum to fly away

So to answer your question, no I haven't been to a prostitute Hey, sex worker Sex worker Weather and traffic next Have you ever smoked meth dressed as a hawk Give us a call Well done everyone We just did a whole story

Where he was on drugs Dressed as an eagle No one did a Ben Cousins reference Well done Yeah Well done I wasn't going to do that He's a hero of mine

Shame on you for having Considered that as an option He's a sporting hero to many You guys said commercial radio So I just got my brain back into it. Sure. So now we've all gone around and we've given our... Well, I was pretty much just going to tell the same story.

That happened to me on the weekend, so you sort of stole my thunder. You know, you smoking crack with the prostitute, sex worker, really was a very... That was a red herring within that story. That was like chapter five in a 600-page book. The worst choose-your-own-adventure ever. That's like saying, hey, has anyone ever won a card game? Yes, here's the film Titanic. Yeah.

Well, that's the only thing I can think of. Have you seen that Hobbit? It's about that guy that leaves his house. Yeah. I love that. Dude, where's my car? Yeah. Well, that's the only thing I can think of. Have you seen that Hobbit? It's about that guy that leaves his house. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Dude, where's my car? Yeah.

So what have we got? What's this all been about? My question is, well, so this is what's happened. I've got a friend, and this friend listens to the show, so I'll be very keen to hear his feedback on this. But, you know, you've got friends that are frugal. Let's be nice about things. Scrooge.

It's around Christmas time. Oh, look, let's not go that hard. Frugal, very keen on keeping an eye on their dolls. Oh, that pill has kicked in because you are dancing up a storm over there. You've got a friend who's a real tight ass. Tight ass friend. Look, that's your story. I'm telling the story of a frugal friend.

So he told me a story a couple of weeks ago where it wasn't a story he just said look i went to a a brothel and it's a well-known brothel in melbourne and i've always heard this story and i don't know whether this is a true thing or not that i've heard this from a few people that yeah yeah no it's cool you can go to a brothel but you don't have to do anything you can just hang out yeah you can go there and hang out and pay a certain amount of money and you can hang out in the lobby and they just feed you drinks the whole time for that amount of money. You can just play pool.

People that are not working at that point will just be playing pool with you. You can just hang out and have a beer. It's like being a time zone. Yeah, exactly. All the machines are on free play. Yeah, it's Dreamworld. Just different sort of dreams. Yeah, shattered Dreamworld.

With Dreamworld. With Dreamworld. Because the working girls are subcontractors, so they come in and they'll... Subbies. You pay an entry fee and rent for the room. Right. And then they...

Okay, so have you heard that before, that that's just a place you can hang out, you can treat it like a pub, you can... Well, when me and the other video shop guy went in, we sent the young fella off with the older lady. And then we sat in the lobby. And all the girls approached us and tried to get us. And you're drunk enough and you're going,

no, no, no. And again, this only happened last week. So he tells the story. So he went there. He had a friend that really wanted to go to visit his establishment. So he went there and used the full facilities, let's say. My friend, so apparently the way he tells the story, he had to pay entry to go in there.

He had to pay like $75, $80, $90, whatever it was. Entry. Yeah, entry for the whole place. Now, this is the story I'm being told. Okay. That's why I'm bringing this up for you, for the people that are about to ring in and light up the switchboard. Scraps the eagle over there.

Yeah. So he's in there. He's drinking. He's telling me he decided he didn't want to use the full facilities. His friend's in there. So his friend uses those facilities for half an hour. Come on.

Half an hour. Oh, boy. What are we, on ABC3? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sound like this is like Ally McBeal or something. This episode of the Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by the Waltons. Yeah, you know that episode of the Waltons where they got laid and paid for it.

Yeah, with Jim Bob. Yeah, yeah. So... I don't know that. Yeah. Weird for McGinley to make a reference to something that... That old? Have we given you shit about that before?

So, his friend comes back and having, you know, reminded that they've had to pay money to even enter the establishment at all is that always so you have to pay to go in and then if you do

something with a girl you have to pay for that as well I think you negotiate that with them or something right yeah

well this is see this is a story being told and I'm thinking okay so he's choosing not to do it even though he's paid he may have paid

X amount to just be on the ground floor and you have to pay X to go up there or that's the whole package i don't know yeah so his friend comes back and goes right we're all finished now and then my friend goes all right so um i've paid my my 80 bucks whatever it is uh 90 bucks um look i you know i've been here for an hour or two or whatever i don't reckon i've probably got my money's worth Look, can I get my money back?

Can I get some of my money? And they're like, oh, I don't think that's how it works And he goes, no, no, no I'm going to be quite firm with this I've only been here for X amount of time Can I get a receipt? Can I get some form of a voucher? Can I get some form of this on credit? Can I get some form of this on? Store credit.

Yeah, store credit. Exactly. Yeah, store credit. In case he's ever on a date and go, hang on, I've got that voucher for... Yeah, store credit. So then... Scoop on.

Yeah. Lay by. Yeah. Lay by. Because if I don't get this, you are getting a terrible TripAdvisor review. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So they eventually eventually it must have gone on it if i know my friend i think i do it must have gone for a little while until they go man we are not going to get away with this he's not going to leave until we bow to his demands so then they they offer him like and go oh look we'll give you um look here's here's 40 he's He's a $40 store credit. There you go. And he's gone, okay, great.

I'm satisfied with that. I've got $40 of store credit here at a brothel. And then he's telling me this story and I'm thinking, what are you going to get for $40? Your mum 40 times. Yeah. Wrecked. So he's telling me this story and I'm thinking,

why are you telling me this story out loud? This is a story someone else tells about you like I am now. You don't tell someone on purpose this story. So we're getting to the end of the story. I'm going, where's this going to go? So he goes, right. So anyway, so I've got this voucher for $40. Look, you or anyone you know, if you want to put the word around,

willing to sell it for $20. So I'm saying I'm making that offer to any of you guys here or to the listeners at home. There's an excellent deal going on. Only $20 for $40 worth of. Well, we're recording this on Christmas Eve. Eve, I know for a fact you haven't gotten your girlfriend a gift yet. What's wrong with you?

Yeah. Go in on that. Oh, my God. Yeah. But what I'm led to believe from this story is that $40, so that's just half an entrance fee. Yeah. That's only getting you in the front door.

This goes back to my original question. That $80 that you pay to get in, is there so there's no sexual action included in that. You're just paying to be in the building. We didn't pay $80 to get in. Is it the same place? I've not. Which place is it?

No, it wouldn't be. You've turned up in your Video Easy uniform, so they've presumably rolled out the red carpet. You're holding a cardboard cutout of the Matrix. What about me buddies? For a couple of free overnights. They're buddies. out the red carpet. You're holding a cardboard cut out of the Matrix. What about me buddies? For a couple of free overnights. They're buddies. Seven weeklies for $7. Yeah, that's it. It's also an offer they have.

Technically doesn't make sense. Let's explore the logic of that. Yeah. You have sex for a week seven times and it costs you $7. Seven weeklies. That's where the lady with Parkinson's gives you a wristie. Jesus. What was that reference no one knew about? Say that again.

Yeah, when was that on the Waltons? Is that an episode of MASH I never saw? Your child is going to grow up and listen to this one day. Yeah, that's true. That's all right. Cool. I'll tell him these stories. Yeah, so guys.

So is he prepared if a listener wants it, if a listener wants officially a half price? No, not a half price. Well, yeah. If you want $40 worth of brothel for only $20. Yeah. The offer's on the table. Hit us up.

Yeah. Wow, now that, I mean, I reckon there'll be a listener that wants it. And if they want it, do they have to give us, they have to give us some kind of report back. I can guarantee you there'll be podcast listeners that definitely want that. They're right now going, hey, I've got to be made on the phone.

How dare you? How dare you? The condition is so if you buy this, we need to hear a full report when you're done and also you have to be playing this podcast while you're in the room in the brothel, mid-coitus listening to this. I don't think you have to do that. I get a 50% say in this and I say yes, you do. So that is – so I'm telling you a story.

That's one of the tightest stories I've ever heard. Because the other thing is, is like – Tight brothel. Come on. Come on. Because the other thing is, like, surely he could just get the full 40 bucks for it. Like someone out there is just going to surely he could just get the full $40 for it. Like, someone out there is just going to – like, he doesn't have to slash 50% off the price.

Like, someone will just buy it. Yeah, yeah. And I just love the idea of doing all that work to then only make $20. Like, that's the hardest work you've got to make $20. Yeah. So, was he telling you this as, like, a bit of a funny thing? No. He's just going –

This is a business opportunity. I'm taking this into the dragon's den and we're going to see what – And did he tell you that because he thought you would be – was he offering it to you? Did he think you'd take it up? I think it was officially an offer to anyone I knew. Right. Which is you guys.

You guys are people I know. I thought this was an appropriate forum. I'm thinking about it. Yeah. Well, you're a single knew. Right. Which is you guys. You guys are people I know. I thought this was an appropriate forum. I'm thinking about it. Yeah. Well, you're a single man. Yes. Yeah, you're a single guy here. Yeah.

I heard your episode with Lawrence and Fiona, Lawrence Mooney, Fiona O'Loughlin, talking about it and you were hassling Tommy into, you know. I don't think I was hassling. I was just bringing up the concept. Yeah. I've often said openly to my wife. It's very cute that you think that's not hassling, but anyway.

You've been very wordy with this whole story, haven't you? I've always been tempted to go to one. I would like to go to one before I die. The problem is I'm married now. Married dudes never go there too, so that's now. No, but I want to enjoy it. A beeper goes off when you're married and you're actually not around. A metal detector, the ring on your finger.

Yeah, that's good. But professional sex, they might have mad skills that us muggles don't know about. This is a point that I wanted to bring up. The worlds of Harry Potter and sex together at last. Wingardium Leviosa got a boner. Three people got that and they're laughing. I reckon two.

They're not in this room. So this is what I actually want to bring up when we were talking about this topic a couple of weeks ago on that Lawrence and Fiona episode is I think I would have never in the past have gone to a brothel because I think when you've got money involved

there's even more pressure. There's enough pressure during sex as is without bringing money into it. Not for you to perform, for the other person. For the professional. No, I don't believe that. I think you want to get your money's worth. Yeah, for sure.

But why do you feel... It's not like if you go to McDonald's and you buy a cheeseburger, you're not going, fuck, I'd better eat the fuck out of this cheeseburger. I'd better do a good job of eating this, otherwise the chef's going to look at me and I'll be embarrassed. What, you don't think that?

Are you saying that you would be worried about coming too quick or not being able to get like a boner at all? Something like that. Either or. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something in that general world. That's really the only two options. Oh, yeah.

Look, I've heard of both those concepts. Neither of them have happened to me. But, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Getting your money's worth, wasting your money, embarrassing yourself in front of someone who's seen it all and is a professional at what they do,

and you're coming in like a bush league going, I don't know how my dick works. That would be the fear that you go in and they're trying to put you at ease and going, hey, don't stress, don't stress. I've seen it all. Seriously, I've been doing this a while. There's nothing that surprised me at this point. And then you do it and she's like, whoa, I stand corrected.

Wow, that's going on the blog for sure. I don't think I've ever said this to someone that's paid me, but loser. I've just remembered I've been in two brothels. I've been in another one. Oh, here we go. I was on tour. When you were working at Blockbuster, yes.

He worked at Eagle Boy's Pizza. Scrapsy Eagle Boy. Yeah, for him. For Woodbury. Eagle Boy rocking chair pizza. Yeah. Weirdly, no one ever ate a pizza at that one. Meth makes you not eat.

I'm glad I didn't get that. When I was on tour in Kalgoorlie, we were doing two shows. So we had the day in between to see the sights of Kalgoorlie. You go see the super pit and then we said you go do a brothel tour. And we thought it was going to be one of the old brothels and we were going to walk through and go, oh, it's a shame the way they used to treat. But no, it's a working proper thing and you just go and you do a tour.

And I'm on tour with Danny Boy, the Scottish comedian. And the lady who did the tour was this little German. She wouldn't have looked out of place in Schindler's List. She was like, I can't, we are looking in this room now. I can't, come on. And a few people have spotted Danny Boy. And they've said to her towards the end, they've gone by the way There's a celebrity

Oh so he was a name by then Yeah yeah yeah He was on his big national tour And then at the end she goes Oh and they understand we have a famous comedian And Danny Boy's just pointed me And gone there he is And she's gone

Well you must sign the celebrity wall Oh And I saw my signatures on the celebrity wall Who else was on the celebrity wall? I, great. So my signature's on the celebrity wall. Who else was on the celebrity wall? I'm glad you asked. Jules Lund was on there. Who's that? Who supported him on his tour?

Coxie. No, no, Coxie was also on the celebrity wall. Doug Hawkins and Jeff Fenwick were all there. Warren Kappen 19 times. He was working at the mines. This is what we need. Any listeners in Kalgoorlie or around Kalgoorlie, pop into the brothel and get a photo of the Danny McGinley.

But part of the tour was there was a couple of... Do you reckon it lasts on the wall for more than a minute? I just Wikipedia'd him immediately and went, oh, this picture is not besmirching a fine brothel. Besmirching. Oh, okay. I thought that was a premature speculation. I'd say that, yeah.

I was only on there for a minute and I had to do it again. No, no, it wasn't. We had a $40 voucher. No, no, no. You've heard the words I've chosen on this podcast. I'm being very nice today. But part of the tour was you got to ask, there were two working girls and you got to ask them questions about.

Right. And no one else did on the tour. So I was the weirdo guy. I'd be there all day. And so I asked what's the weirdest thing you've had to do? Any questions? Can I fuck you right now please? Yeah. Is this normal? No more questions. That concludes the question and answer

section. And she said the weirdest thing was there were two separate guys who had balloon fetishes where she chucked a balloon in between the genitals and they fuck away. And one guy gets off on it popping on his cock and the other guy got off on it not popping,

which just shows... Wow, imagine those two blokes meeting down the pub. The yarns they would share. That is your classic yin and yang. Yeah. The odd freaks. Oh, wow. Yeah, bloody Melisandre Chong. The odd freaks. Oh, wow.

That's good. That's the sort of thing that I am always fascinated with. Like, how do you find out that you've got that fetish? How do you find out that you've got the balloon? Because that's the thing. Any one of us in this room could have something like that buried within us. Yes. And we still don't know because we just haven't come on a balloon. Yeah.

So do yourself a favour. Just whatever inanimate objects are around you, dear listeners, just rub them against your bits. You'll never know the real you unless you rub everything in your house on yourself. Let's do that in Woodbury's place before we leave here. Whether we get turned on by – I'm thinking that fruit is going to fire me right up. There's one each in Woodbury's place before we leave here and we know whether we get turned on by I'm thinking that fruit is going to

fire me right up later on. There's one each so we can both try it. You have the nectarine. Don't be one

I have the little one. You have the squash ball I'll have the nectarine. Are you the popper Carl?

Let's just do it with all the presents under the tree. Well guys I think that does bring us to the end of the little

dum-dum club for another week. Carl Woodbury Danny McKinlay thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Danny McGinley, of course, the complete first season DVD available now from DannyMcGinley.com. Correct. Get on that. And it's probably too early to plug the festivals. No, no, we've been doing it. Adelaide Fringe, Danny McGinley Learns Ukrainian, Comedy Festival. I'm at the Comics Lounge. And, oh, waiting to hear back about the Sydney Comedy Festival and Perth International Comedy Festival

although it seems close to Christmas maybe not doing them Danny McGinley you looked at your watch just then as if like oh they said

they'd let me know by 8.30pm on Christmas Eve and especially when they're giving me my radio TV watch that they promised to give all the details

to Carl Woodbury the Wisdom Laughter podcast that people can find yeah iTunes Wisdom Laughter the podcast on Facebook it is also Wisdom Laughter podcast that people can find. Yeah, iTunes, Wisdom Laughter, the podcast. On Facebook, it is also Wisdom Laughter, the podcast. At Wise Laughter on Twitter.

And my show at the Comedy Festival, Melbourne Comedy Festival next year, is called John Cougar Mellencamp. It's all about me quitting drugs and alcohol and becoming a new age fuckhead. And that's at Red Violin. Just go to my Facebook page Carl Woodbury fan page or something like that

can I say this I would guarantee you'll get more tickets sold if you call it New Age Fuckhead yeah I would yeah

anyway that's too late let's not worry about that we of course we have the season passes and tickets for the live podcast on sale now

through our website littledumbdumbclub.com for the live podcast on sale now through our website littledumbdumbclub.com for the Melbourne Comedy Festival also Adelaide and maybe Brisbane by this point but that's coming up that'll definitely be on sale soon

I've got tickets for my show Cutie Pie on sale for Brisbane Perth and Melbourne which you can find at TommyDassolo.com How good's the

skip 15 seconds button on the finish it up My tickets probably won't be on sale How good's the skip 15 seconds button on the finish? Shut up. All right. My tickets probably won't be on sale, but, you know, it's definitely worth trying. I'm doing a show.

I'm just doing Melbourne, and it is called Carl Chandler, World's Greatest and Best Comedian. So I don't think I've set myself too high a target there. Should have called it New Age Wanker. Should have started writing it by now. Untrue, true. Oh, this is probably a little too late to plug this, but if you are at any of the Falls Festivals or Southbound Festival in Perth,

I will be there, so maybe I'll see you there. Is that it? That's it? That's it. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. Happy New Year's. Happy New Year's. Happy New Year's. See you, mate.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. See you, mate. See you, 2014. Fuck that eagle.