The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 222 - Yumi Stynes & Celia Pacquola

Episode Date: January 6, 2015

Smuggled KFC, Face Flaps and Old Man Sam.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, it is fast approaching Comedy Festival season in Australia and we have got shows all over the country. Carl, are you excited about packing your little suitcase and heading out on the road? I've already got my trunks in a suitcase. Oh, your little swimming trunks? Yeah. Go for a little dip? Yeah, I'm going to swim on stage. Okay, cool. So first of all, we've got Brisbane on March the 1st.

We're going back there for the Brisbane Comedy Festival. Yeah, now we're doing a live podcast from there on, what is it, March? First. First. First of March. That's the first live podcast for the season we'll be doing. Better start to the great month of March than to come and watch your little mates do a live podcast in a venue that we haven't locked in yet, but will probably be a fire trap if

last year's show is anything to go on. Yeah, Expo 88's just finished, so people of Brisbane, come and see our live podcast. Yeah, so they're officially on sale for the first time. They're on sale now on our website. So, you know, we had a smaller venue last year. We'll probably have the same. So get your tickets quick to make sure you get in there. Yep, look at the guide of the Brisbane Comedy Festival

if you want to sneaky peek at who may or may not be appearing. After that, we are going to the Adelaide Fringe Festival, our first time ever doing a live podcast at the Fringe Festival at the Producers Bar. Hey, hey, Tommy, I'll hold you up there. We're not actually part of the Adelaide Fringe Festival, just in case any admin are listening.

What could they possibly do to us? I'd like to find out how they would come after us. Would they make us be part of the Fringe Festival somehow? I'd like to see them try. Instead of someone us. Would they make us be part of the Fringe Festival somehow? I'd like to see them try. Instead of someone trying to kick us out of something, they force us into something? That's like a Scientology thing where they come and convince us

to hand over a $400 registration fee. Yeah, we do some sort of weird IQ test where we fail it and have to be part of the festival because we're idiots. Yeah, only a true idiot would do gigs at a festival. So Sunday, March the 15th, it's the last day of the Adelaide Fringe at the Producers Bar where we did our Adelaide show recently. That's it. Which was so much fun.

So it'd be cool to see all you guys there again. And there'll be lots of people in town for the Fringe Festival, so some great guests, meaning we won't have to bring over dumb idiots from Melbourne like we did last time. Although, spoiler alert, dumb idiot number one, Dilraba Jai Singer, is in town, I noticed on the day. So there will be a massive chance of us trying to make him

have sexual intercourse on the show that night, I would imagine. That's my plan anyway. Knowing that Dil listens to this makes this that much sweeter. We've also got our shows on sale for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival We have Season Passes Which gets you into four live podcasts every Sunday of the Comedy Festival Plus the live drunk cast on the final night There's only a couple of them left

So snap them up quickly And also the individual shows are on sale And if you buy a ticket to just one of them You do get into the drunk cast on the final night That's it Mathematically I don't know How that's going to work out But yeah Definitely

Definitely come down to them They're always Super super fun Yeah four of our Genuine highlights From 2014 Were all the live shows Plus the drunk cast

To be honest The drunk cast is Something else So that's on Sunday afternoons When nothing much else Is on I think Nothing at all They clear the slate

Of the festival Just for us My own show Cutie Pie is on sale now for the Perth Fringe, the Brisbane Comedy Festival and the Melbourne Comedy Festival on my website, TommyDassolo.com and hey, if you're listening to this and you feel like a bit of a pang of jealousy that you

can't come and support the show in a live capacity in any way, we've just recently put up a donate button on our website. If you do feel like kicking in a little something something to help keep this machine of fuckheadery powering throughout the year, then, yeah, that would be cool. I mean, yeah, for those of you that can come to the shows and do that, that's really cool.

But if you can't, swing us, you know, a couple of bucks. Until we pull our fingers out of our asses and get a new T-shirt to buy, you can do it that way. Oh, that's coming soon. I think the T-shirt might be an illustration of a finger coming out of an ass. That would really sum up the show since that's the first time we've ever mentioned that sort of imagery. A passing reference in a plug at the start of the show. Not even the actual podcast.

Yeah. And my show is not on sale yet. I'm only doing Melbourne. But I might do a few one-offs in Adelaide and Brisbane when we go there, to be honest. My show is called Carl Chandler, World's Greatest and Best Comedian. So that's nearly on sale in Melbourne. The hesitation in your voice every time you say the title is what I enjoy most about it. No, because I'm just literally trying to remember it because that was a very vague idea I had

where the first thing I came up with was that title and went, oh, that'll do as a holding title. And then I never thought of another title. I can't wait to see what the content of this show is going to be like, given that you're having trouble remembering even the name of it. But that's what I'm concentrating on, Tommy, just the content. Classic men can't multitask. All right, guys. Well, hopefully we'll see you.

Oh, one more. Let me do one more. One more. One more tiny thing. Hey, I've made passing reference on the show many times of my Thursday night room. If you live in Melbourne or we get a lot of visitors to Melbourne that want to come and check out the comedy rooms while they're in town and see all their favourite friends of the show. So Five Bars Comedy has been my room on a Thursday night. I've recently moved that to the Portland Hotel in Russell Street in Melbourne.

So guys, if you can, if you're around Melbourne, you want to come and see the best night of comedy in Melbourne. That's on Thursdays if you're from out of town. Plan your whole trip around Thursday night and come in and you might see absolutely anyone you may have seen on the show before. Lots of listeners have come through and checked it out when they've been in town and been delighted by the value and the friends of the show that they get to see at the gig. That's it, yeah. That's a true thing. And they get to get change from me on the till, you know.

Oh, and final plug, I'm looking for a clothes dryer. So if you live in the Fitzroy area of Melbourne and you have one for sale, hit us up. I don't want to spend too much, but yeah. Buy tickets to Tommy's clothes dryer. Alright, thanks guys and we'll see you soon. See you, mates. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Happy 2015 to all of our listeners. Yes. Someone's crying in the background of the episode.

Great start. Not a fan. It's one of the guests as well. That's a bad start. Yeah. Oh no, this is a podcast. Oh, that's what it's called. Oh God. This is a weird thing for us. This is

an on the road edition, I guess you could say. Yeah. This is like the furthest we've ever travelled to do an episode that's not a live one. Well, it's a summer holiday edition because we're down the beach. We've driven through the rain to get down the beach. Yeah, we stopped off at Oporto. Yeah, so it's going to plan. It's like any other week really. We've had fast food rain to get down the beach. Yeah. We stopped off at Oporto. Yeah. So it's kind of... It's going to plan. It's like any other week, really. We've had fast food on the way here. Yeah. There's a lot to discuss about the fast food that we

had. But first of all, let's bring our guests in. Two people we're very excited to have on the show who we haven't had for a while. First of all, you know her from Utopia and Laid. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Celia Paquola. Yeah. Hello. You got shaker fries at Oporto. That was great. I had no idea that they'd actually come back. But Oporto never had them, the shaker fries. Yeah.

Yeah. They're trying to creep into McDonald's market. I mean, it's more exercise than I like with my fast food. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You mean I've got to raise my arm up and down. I do enough exercise just putting food into my mouth. Yeah, exactly, because they're double bagging it.

They give you a bag of fries and then they go, here's the other bag that you're supposed to put the shake or fry into and then you put it in another bag and do the work. It's bad for the environment as well. Yeah. It's horrible. I'm definitely getting some on the way back. Because we did.

We had that great thing where you drive through a server or whatever on the side of the freeway and you've got the exact opposite or the exact same thing on the other side of the street. Yes. And you just know you can come back and get the exact same thing. Should I just introduce myself? Yes. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club the CEO of Opordo.

You know her from The Circle. We're currently in her holiday house. It's Yumi Stines. Yay! Sorry, don't you do that in radio where you just ignore the guest for five minutes and talk about chicken nuggets? For 15 minutes and then eventually the professional one goes, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you,

a media professional, Yumi Steins. Here I am. Thanks for coming to my mum's holiday house. This is great. This is really, really nice. This is your mum's holiday house? Yeah, it took some thinking about it. Is it appropriate to let Little nice. This is your mum's holiday house. Yeah, it took some thinking about it. Is it appropriate to let Little Dum Dum Club into my mum's holiday house?

Because nobody else has ever seen this house, let alone visited it. Is this like a folklore legend, this house? No one's ever seen this house before. Well, if the zombie apocalypse were to happen, this is probably where I'd bunker down. Or if I were being hounded by the media and I needed to go somewhere where they didn't know I was, this is where I'd come.

And the only people who'd know where to find me are you guys. Who are nearly media. If that ever does happen to you. I got a job with Today Tonight. And your dodgy plumbing is going to get battered on this show. You're rather zombie publicists, then we're kind of on higher ground, sort of on stilts or whatever you'd call it. We've got caches of food buried under the house

and there's an electrified fence as well. Yeah. Awesome. I don't know if electricity works against zombies. Electrified fence will probably help, yeah. There is one way to find out. Let's kill Dazzler. Okay, sure.

I can be like the little girl in Jurassic Park. I'm climbing up over the fence and then you turn it on and I get electrocuted. Cool reference. Everyone's on board with that. I like it. It's just like you called yourself a little girl. Yeah, I'm just doing the heavy lifting for everyone else.

It's like you're half right. I do like that we're here. We're in this massive house, which is awesome. It's just nice to be in a house. It's just nice to be in a house. Yeah, my house is like, the whole house is like this lounge room. It's smaller massive house, which is awesome. It's just nice to be in a house. Like my house. It's just nice to be in a house. Yeah, my house is like, the whole house is like this lounge room. It's smaller than this. So to me it feels like the big difference between talking to someone from radio

and talking to someone from a podcast. Yeah. Just being in a proper house with proper rooms. And air, yeah. I used to feel like that. And not only that, like we just found out before, your dog here, Nuggie, your dog has had a nose job. Now that is the sort of money that goes on in radio.

Your dog's having a nose job. If I broke my leg, I probably wouldn't go to the doctors. Okay. Do you want to hear Nuggy? She's snoring right now. Yeah, let's try and get her on. No, that's not coming through. That's her breathing.

A lot of that going on at home as well at the moment. But that's post-nose job. Yeah, yeah. It was way more drastic before that. Because my pugs, I mean, as much as I love them, sort of weirdly designed. Yeah. They were meant to look like dragons to have the smushed in faces, big in China.

There's some sort of racist joke you could make about it, I'm sure. Probably won't. If that's all right with everyone. Do I have to? You are from current affair. This is the thing I'm obsessed with with pugs is that they're very prone to their eyeballs popping out and stuff like that. They get like lots of weird illnesses.

Yeah, yeah. Mostly she hasn't been sick. She's very healthy. But the one thing that happened to her was she got a yeast infection in her face flaps. So see how she's got – she's kind of got rolls and folds. There was something growing like a Petri dish in her face. We had to get our finger in there and kind of work it.

Merry Christmas. Had to get your finger right in the face flaps? I'm going to need a minute to myself after that, guys, if everyone can just leave for a minute. Yeah, this is the best episode of Bondi Vet yet. Back to nuggies. Yes. You've got an obsession with nuggy.

I love chicken nuggets and a while ago I took to referring to them as nuggies, which sounds like it's a slur of some kind. As you say it, it sounds a bit weird. Does it? Kind of. That's our dog's name. Now you're slurring our dog. No, your dog is a walking slur.

You were telling us just before when we got here that you went to The Hobbit the other day and you snuck KFC into the cinema. Yeah. What? How can you? Surely the smell is a giveaway. Well, I have a really big handbag, so I just shoved it in there with some stuff on top and then kept my armpit sort of tucked closed tight.

But the last time I took my kids to KFC, we tried to sneak it into the movies and there's an old man at the door. I thought you were going to say last time you went to KFC, you tried to sneak Lord of the movies. And there's an old man at the... I thought you were going to say last time you went to KFC, you tried to sneak Lord of the Rings into it. Just set up an iPad at your table and go, yeah, this is naughty. Just keep bringing me fries for nine hours, guys. Coincidentally, anyone listening in Sydney

who goes to the George Street Cinema, there's a man who checks tickets. He's been there forever, who looks like Colonel Sanders. He smelt the chips. Oh! And he busted us and said we had to go and eat it in the lobby standing up. It was miserable. Like an animal. Some poor person was allergic to strong something something odours in the cinema

and had literally just nearly expired and was sitting prone in the lobby of the cinema waiting for an ambulance to come and rescue her. Oh, what? Yeah, so they were particularly funny about stinky things. What smells send you to an ambulance? Yeah. I mean, I can just think of the peanut thing. Some people are so allergic to peanuts that if there's peanut air.

Really? I didn't know that was a thing. That's why some schools are like, you can't even send peanuts. Why do we even have peanuts anymore? If you can die from peanut air, there's still just a few people going, oh, no, I don't mind cashews though. Oh, it's worth it. If we got rid of peanuts just flat out, would anyone be that worked up over it?

No. I mean, I like peanut butter, but I wouldn't mind it not being in my life. I'd miss satay sauce a lot. But not as much as you'd miss Robert who died, who walked past the satay. Yeah, friend of the podcast, Robert, who sadly perished a couple of months ago. You know when we're living in a time in the world

where it is reasonable to have conversations about what could potentially wipe us out as a species? Do you know what I mean? Like whether it's the environment or it's a comet or it's a war or whatever. But I think it'll be peanuts. Right. I think that'll be the environment or it's a comet or it's a war or whatever. But I think it'll be peanuts. Right. I think that'll be the thing that eventually does a thing.

You think we'll get bread to a point where everyone is allergic to them? Yeah, but definitely allergic. We can't even touch them. And more and more things turn into peanuts. So we just can't get away from them. That's right. I just want to see how they'd manifest peanut air too. They just spray it around.

Yes. That could be like mace. If you could get that peanut air into a can, that would be some sweet mace action. Oh, the peanut. I feel like taking a real risk with a protective device, like spraying peanut air just hoping that they're allergic to it.

One out of ten dudes wouldn't attack you but the rest of them are like, it smells nicer now. Yeah, yeah. I could go a curry. Yeah, yeah. Well, I talked about this a while ago on the show, but I was in the cinema a little while ago and someone bought out a curry. Someone bought out a butter chicken or something and that is – In the cinema?

Yeah. And it just filled the whole cinema. The whole cinema smelled like – now that's wild. I mean, I'm up for sneaking food in, but you've got to have a degree of – Yeah, and that's eating it in the dark as well. Like that's going to go everywhere. Yeah, that's – anything that you're eating with a knife and fork, like I don't know. What about pizza?

Would you do pizza? That's pretty smelly. Yeah, pizza though at least you can use your hand. I guess it depends what kind of pizza it is. But also like I would also think why would you want to be doing that, sitting there with a hot greasy box on your lap while you're trying to enjoy a movie? No, pizza, I think pizza's a good thing. You just had a look of anyone else going to,

no one else want to take this? He was like, I've bred this out of myself by doing radio. I'm not allowed to respond to that question. I knew what I was doing when I said it. Here's a nice easy one I'll throw up into the air, see who wants to spike it back over the net. There's way too many ladies on this podcast this week. Normally if I had other dickheads here, I would go near it, but not this week.

But I love that you've been sprung eating KFC. Because you should already feel fairly ashamed just eating it without anyone noticing, let alone someone pointing you out and going, you're off the TV and you've broken our KFC rules. And you're feeding it to your children. Stand in the corner and eat it, which we did near the rubbish bins. It was just full of shame. Yeah, and not only that, but you've named your dog

after one of the things you're eating as well. How long do you reckon it is until a fast food joint just goes in on a co-op with a cinema? That can't be far off. Enough people want to do it, there's the demand there for like a Macca's cinema. Yeah, that's – oh, yeah, like a concept cinema. Yeah.

That's it because then you breed out the whole idea of the $9 ice creams or whatever you're eating, whatever you're buying in there because you get the 30 cents off serve. Have you ever been to those ones with the huge beanbags? They're called the Wave or the Curve, those cinemas. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they've got beanbags the size of a small igloo and you sort of perch upon them.

Apparently they never clean under. And one time they finally lifted them up and they found a person, a dead person under. No way. Come on. No way. Were they filled with baby spiders? Yeah, exactly.

Did the beanbag have dreadlocks? And then an alligator came out of the sewers and ate it. Wow. I was in the cinemas once and a rat ran past my feet and then at the end I was like, hey, can I maybe get a refund? Because there was a rat in the cinema and they're like, no. It's not that big of a deal. Did the rat sit on your eyes so you couldn't see the food?

The rat whispered the end of the movie to me. The African spoiler rat, you know. The trick to getting a refund is you don't ask for one. Yeah. You say, I demand a refund. Oh, okay. Give me a refund. And then there's no question.

They're like, okay, we've got to give this person a refund. If you say, can I have a refund? They're like, man, let's try out no. Yeah, no is an option. I'm just not wired that way. I go in head full of sand. I'm like, can I get this? And they go, no.

And then I go, fair enough. Like I have no follow-up. Although last night I was on the tram and some inspectors got on and I got fined because I touched on earlier and I thought I was covered but I wasn't. And so they're taking down my details. My friend was with me. He had to get – he got a fine as well.

He had to get off and an inspector got off with him and then they're taking down my details. I give them my ID. They go to give me my ID back and then the guy's looking for my my key and he goes, oh, my colleague got off the tram with your my key. So I don't have it. And I'm a little bit drunk in this story. And he goes, oh, my colleague got off the tram with your Mikey. Oh. So I don't have it. And I'm a little bit drunk in this story.

So I go on a tram. You know when like someone gets a fine, it becomes like the theatre. Everyone else on the tram is just sitting there with their popcorn or KFC going, here we fucking go, just listening in. And so I go quite loudly. I go, you're shitting me. And he, trying to be all official, he goes, no, sir, I'm not shitting you. And then he goes, this is like 6pm, he goes, oh, it's okay, we'll put it in the mail and

I'll write you a travel permit for the rest of today. And I go, what do I need a permit for the rest of today for? Like, what about tomorrow and the next day? And he goes, oh, I'll write you one for tomorrow as well and then it'll turn up in the mail. And I'm going – Over Christmas, yeah. Yeah, exactly. What mail is coming in the day before New Year's Eve?

None. Man. So anyway, he still went through the formality of writing out the fine and, you know, they read you the Miranda rights where they go, you don't have to say anything but anything you say can be – Seriously? Yeah, they go – and I'm going – That's the worst NCIS ever.

Yeah. And I'm going, you're seriously going to keep this going when you've fucked this up this badly? Yeah. Like how about we just. So, Tommy, is this a gag? Is there a gag at the end or is this just a winch? This is just a winch, yeah.

Like most things that I say on this podcast, I get going and then I go there's no end to this. So you didn't get out of the fine at all? Well, I'm going to contest it and go, hey, this is what happened. Like you took my ticket. Like, you know. Yeah, that's pretty amazing that they read you your rights whereas you could then go straight back at them.

Like surely that – like in any other form of business, you would then go, hey, you fucked this. What am I getting free here? Yeah, but it comes down to that thing. Like I said, like I had a bit of a full head of steam and I realised I could have probably gone crazy and just walked away from it but then I sort of went, oh, if I put it

in writing in a week's time I'm more likely to get results But you should be able to, you should be like saying hey, you blew this, how about you give me two hours travel in the seabed tomorrow, you know, let's do a bit of bartering here. I'll tell you what I'm having for dinner tomorrow night.

A bit of a meal on the restaurant tram. Yeah, exactly. Fair to see of you guys. Exactly. Put me in on that. Keep the Mikey for all I care. Yeah, yeah. Just make that your Donner's Club card now.

Yeah. What would you do in that situation, Yumi? Well, I have heard that if they're pretty sure you're insane, they'll let you off the fine. Oh, really? So you just have to poo your pants. You save $120. What's the fine worth these days?

Oh, man, a fine is like if you pay it on the spot at $75 but you can't contest it. Yeah. But if you get it in the mail, it's like $200 and something. That's terrible. Yeah, yeah. I remember I used to be dodgy with trams because I was really poor as a student so I was always trying to work the angles.

And the times you get busted you're like dude of all the people to bust I'm not doing this because I'm being stingy I'm doing this because I'm broke you know it was like please don't give me a fuck and there were always those guys that wore the big blue um gabardine overcoats you know and they had this ridiculous authority and you just wanted to kill them oh yeah the guy last night the the kind of scum that decides to do that for a job. So it was me and two friends. He's gone through us one by one and we're all fucked. And so the joy on his face, he's called over to his mates

and he's literally gone, I've got three live ones over here, boys. And then they come and flank us and I was like, you've got to be kidding me. Did he say live ones? He did, yeah, he did. No way. He did. And the gesture you're missing, it's the Keanu Reeves

and the Matrix that come in. Because they're on the other side of the tram. They're checking other people's tickets. It's like forget – we've hit the mother load over here. We've got a group that's 100% in the wrong. So what's your excuse then? I mean, you're not so poor that I was back when I was a student. Oh, I don't know about that.

Just to reiterate, you are on a podcast at the moment. Can I sleep here for the next couple of months? Yumi, we were talking before. I didn't know you grew up in Swan Hill because I'm a country boy. Where from? From Maribor. Oh, yeah. You know of Maribor? Yeah, of course. Oh, of course. Of course, grew up in Swan Hill. Because I'm a country boy originally. Where from? From Maribor. Oh, yeah. You know of Maribor?

Yeah, of course. Oh, of course. Of course, I'm from Swan Hill. I know that whole region. Local rivals. Yeah, yeah. In no way. The local shithole, you know.

You remember. That place that you used to drive down and throw rocks through people's windows. Those swamp people that lived down the street from you. I used to drive you through and go, be grateful you don't live here, kids. people that live down the street from you. It's a place where your parents used to drive you through and go, be grateful you don't live here, kids. What's the opposite of that competition they used to have, Victoria's Tidiest Town?

We used to win that one. You know, it's funny about the world's shittiest town because I once got on the front page of something like the Courier Mail or something for calling North Queensland town a shithole on Channel V when I was back on Channel V. And the thing is I'd said, look, I'm not – this whole voiceover script which I scripted myself, I'm not afraid to call a shithole a shithole. But of all the towns that I've visited so far on this trip through Queensland, this is the one I'd least like to set fire to.

I was trying to pay this town a compliment. But all they got was the shithole bit. And then they put a front page picture of me from the Aries when I'd worn a kimono. So I looked super duper Asian. And they were like, how dare this Asian bitch call our town a shithole. I just like the editor, like the person with the photos running in and going, this photo, like, nah, more Asian.

What else do you got? No, I like that they've seen that one and gone, look, guys, we can't Photoshop it to make her look that Asian. No, no, that's real. Oh, my God. We've hit the mother load. All right, everyone, to the pub. We're having beers.

We're done for the day. Yeah, yeah. That's outrageous. Did you have to make an apology to the town? I don't remember apologising. I was just kind of going, hang on, but I said your town is really, like, the least shithole. Are you the number one biggest troublemaker in Australian media?

I hope not, Carl. It's draining. Now that Dan Illick's moving to America, you could be Australia's number one rabble rouser. What's Dan Illick going to do in America? He's working at some, I don't know that this has to be on the podcast, but he's got a job at some company in San Francisco. Cool. Rousing rabble over in America. So are you happy to accept the crown? I don't know that this has to be on the podcast, but he's got a job at some company in San Francisco. Cool.

Rousing rabble over in America. Yeah. So are you happy to accept the crown of rabble raising? No, not at all. You've seen my baby. Yes. Two other daughters who aren't here at the moment. Yes.

I'm just a, you know, mellow person with a family to look after. Your daughter, Nuggie. Yes. I would like to have a dog. I'm going to call them Rabble. Just when you say that, I'm like, Rabble's a great name. That's great. Rabble.

Rabble, Rabble. It sounds like the Gobbledock, but yes, I said that reference. Gobbledock, another good name for a pet. Oh, yeah. We have met your famous baby. Are we allowed to talk about this? You've been in the news lately? Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, because recently your baby has been, your baby is now officially much more famous than me or Tommy. All through the paper, all through Mamma Mia and stuff because of an incident. I feel like I shouldn't even say incident. The incident is the reaction to it. But you brought your baby to a red carpet. And in classic, if I was going to draw a baby in a cartoon, it would look exactly like your baby because it just had a nappy on. And some weirdo on, I don't know what website, but like major news outlet...

...has gone, oh my god, I can't believe your baby's wearing a nappy. And that was a story. That was a story. I know. It's so depressing. Because there were all these cameras at the red carpet to see Nicole Kidman... ...because she was there graciously attending to draw publicity to this film. You know, she doesn't have to do that if she doesn't want to. And what was the film again? Paddington.

That's right. It's a kid's movie. So I took my two big daughters who wanted to see the film, my hubby and the baby. Yeah. And as if anyone's going to pay any attention to me, I am so not very important. Right. Well, when you've got the actual stars of the show, you should be in the background. Yeah, yeah.

So I just turned up wearing what I thought was appropriate with my kids who were dressed in what I thought was appropriate and it turned into a big hoo-ha. I think so you've got these people in the media who've turned up to get a shot of Nicole Kidman and it's a nice sort of positive page three of the paper's story. Here's Nicole Kidman. She's obviously in Sydney to see her family,

many of whom still live in Sydney, and she's turned up to the red carpet. So that could paper's story. Here's Nicole Kidman. She's obviously in Sydney to see her family, many of whom still live in Sydney, and she's turned up to the red carpet. So that could be the story. It's a bit happy-happy. Yeah. So what's the spin we could put on it? How can we turn this into something controversial? If we can make it aggro enough, maybe it'll be multiple days' worth of story.

For sure. We can spin it out into a controversy. And I think someone just saw a photo of me and my kid and just went, bam, we've got you. Yeah, yeah. What I liked was I read the article and the article is so – the initial article at the very least, the first one I read about it, and it's such a bad way of setting it up because I've just copied and pasted,

I'll read it now. And when – Yeah, let's relive this bad thing that happened to you a couple of weeks ago. I'm just trying to play out how badly the argument went. Because there's a guy that was writing it as well, which all of a sudden he's got halfway through the article and gone, oh, I better make myself look good here. And the quote is, and before everyone starts decrying the despicable male

who knows nothing of being a parent, I offer my credentials as a father of a four-year-old daughter, currently fully clothed to the best of my knowledge, a one-year-old son and one more on the way. It's like, is that a credential that you don't have a kid? Like, that kid doesn't exist. So you shouldn't mention the third kid. It doesn't exist. That is your argument that he's mentioning his unborn child?

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's crazy to be saying, oh, well, you know, I know about this because I one day will do it. No. Well, no. So if he did or if he actually had that child, you'd go, well, valid point, sir.

I agree with everything you said. It would be a valid point. The thing that got me about that paragraph was who is fully clothed to the best of my knowledge. So she's not actually around him where he can cast his eye on the child and make sure she is fully clothed because somebody else is taking care of that kid. Ah, yes. Namely the wife. I'd better cover my ass here.

If I put this article out and say it's fully clothed and someone gets a snap of it not fully clothed, I'm going to hear about it in the press tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like being not fully clothed, I'm going to hear about it in the press tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like being not fully clothed is a bad thing. Like, you know, the scoop comes out that someone's got a naked baby at home. What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, it did end up as, you know, there was a lot of coverage of this thing. So what I was going to ask you was in the lead up to the Comedy Festival, I could use a bit more promo. Next film premiere you go to, you just bring me along in my jocks. Oh, no. No. You're doing it.

Nappy. Okay. Great. All right. Don't mess about. All right. Yeah. And also, like, I sort of think, you know,

if Lady Gaga had to turn up dressed the same as your kid, it would have been a positive news story. It was just one of those really humid Sydney days, you know. It was hot. And I was just doing, you know, I love that baby. I'm going to dress her how she should be dressed for the weather. She's so cute, by the way. She's heaven.

So I just feel sorry for really anyone who got involved in that story. It was so stupid. But it's also, I can sort of see, there's so much awful stuff happening in the world, like ISIS beheading people, journalists being locked up for telling the truth, that if you can just make a little controversy that's right in our backyard and it's very easy to pick a side,

then we can all understand the news, just that little bit of news. It's not really much more where you go, but what's the backstory? But why is Israel and Palestine? What's going on with Palestine? It's all just very simple for mum and dad and pop in the suburbs to get their heads around. I feel most sorry for the publicity team of the Paddington movie. Can't help

but feel like that really detracted from any buzz from the movie that they were hoping to get. Hey, and that bear's not wearing any pants at all. Yes! Yes! He's a flasher. He's nude wearing a coat. If you'd just put some little red gumboots on your baby, then it would have been on brand and they would have been fine with it.

Trench coat. I saw it in the paper and they had two pictures side by side. So it was you with your baby and then they're going, oh, check this out. And next to it, like it was the most common thing in the world, was a picture of Nicole Kidman full on getting on with Paddington Bear. I'm like, that's the weird picture. That's the weird one.

Like kissing it? Yes. What? Yeah, it was super weird. Did he have his hat on? Yes. Yeah. Well, how would you know it was?

Was this an adult site? What are you looking at? No, this was wherever this was. Sydney. Oh, I don't know. Don't point at me. I'm not having anything to do with this. I was pointing at Sydney.

That's Sydney that way. Over there. Oh, yeah. There's a big sign outside that says Sydney that way. Yeah, point at me. I'm not having anything to do with this. I was pointing at Sydney. That's Sydney that way. Over there. Oh yeah, there's a big sign outside that says Sydney that way. Yeah, exactly. I think my husband's about to change my baby's shitty nappy right now. Uh-oh. The infamous nappy. Get your

opinion pieces ready. Do you want a live commentary of this? Should we? I think that article from the Sydney paper is inside your kid' nappy at the moment. We can see it. Your partner has deliberately come out of the bedroom to change your baby right in front of us. That's the changing station. Just the station.

Ah, okay. Maybe we shouldn't be podcasting next to the changing station, yeah. Well, she only poos about 17 times a day, so the odds of it happening right now, no. Nah, good on us. It's good to see that we've inspired that to happen. Tough crowd, guys. This is a tough crowd.

She's heard the quality of what you and me do on this thing, Carl, and she's going, well, this spot I've got brewing up will fit right in. Celia, I'm noticing, won't look. I'm not going to look. Is it weirder to not look or look? I will say I've got the worst seat in the house because it's not an option for me to not look. Celia, you've got a good angle.

If it was me, I wouldn't want people to look. She's a baby. She doesn't know what's going on. I just, if it was me I wouldn't want people to look. She's a baby. She doesn't know what's going on. I know, but Yumi, promise me you'll play this podcast at her 18th birthday. Well, I've got my laptop in front of me. I'm currently writing an article for Mamma Mia.

So, can't believe Yumi has forced me to look at her baby while it's getting changed. In the privacy of my own podcast. That baby really does not want to be changed. Should we wait? No, it's fine.

No, this is good. It's some of the best content we've had for a few months. Wow. We took her to the beach yesterday and, you know, a baby swim without swimmers. She was just wearing a rashie and no bottom and she did a huge poo on Martin's arm. Oh.

Yeah. What a prankster. I don't know how to. Honey, stop doing that. Hey. Celia's holding the baby now. We officially have a baby on this podcast. We have a baby on.

The baby's touching the mic the baby yeah don't do that sweetness hello this happened before the baby really wanted the microphone oh yeah you're cute and there goes the other ovary thanks guys so back to swan hill so so you were you're when did you move out of swan hill And there goes the other ovary. Thanks, guys. So back to Swan Hill. So when did you move out of Swan Hill? I went to boarding school.

Not in Swan Hill? No, in Melbourne. Oh, okay. When I was about 14 or 15 or something, yeah. So did you work as a kid? Did you have a job in Swan Hill? Did you have a part-time job? Well, I worked in my parents' business like all good migrant kids do.

Yes, great. Your parents had a business. So did mine. Mine. I was a shop kid. Were you a shop kid growing up there? Yeah, I worked in my parents' business like all good migrant kids do. Yes. Great. Your parents had a business. So did mine. Mine. I was a shop kid. Were you a shop kid growing up? Yeah, I was totally a shop kid. Awesome. Yeah.

So my dad was a pharmacist. Right. And my mum kind of managed the shop that was, you know, part of the pharmacy. Yeah. And it also backed onto a cafe. So we worked in all of it. Oh, okay. Well, that's good because I was about to say that like my parents had like cafes and milk

bars and stuff like that. So I'd be at the back eating lollies. But if your mum and dad was a pharmacist, you're just out the back with sleeping pills and no dose. Just going, freebies, guys. Kids, come around. No, do you know, back then I remember the cafe that was part of the pharmacy. So the idea was that my dad had was you take your prescription and while you're waiting

for it to get filled, you go and get a cup of coffee. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I don't think I've ever heard of that before though. No one ever did it. They just stand there and loiter in the pharmacy like normal people do. Drug seekers. No, not really. But separate people would go to the cafe, but you could buy cigarettes

in the cafe. Oh, wow. Way back in the 80s. It's a full service. Cigarettes and then you go in there for cough medicine. Why ever leave? That's just creating more business though, to be fair. Totally. For your pharmacy. Yeah, yeah.

Stein's the chemist, it was called. Oh, yeah, yeah. Story checks out. That's your name. Hang on. No, that's all right. Yep, yep. Fact check.

Yeah, yeah. So did you work, what, on the counter? Yep. I worked in the counter. I worked in the restaurant and I worked behind the dispensary sometimes too, helping fill out prescriptions. Yeah, right. Like age 13, age 12.

Yep. Wow. I think I started working from about age six, you know. I was a full little Asian kid. You know when you see Asian kids and you're like, oh, buddy. No, I've never seen one before. And they're working, Tommy. Yep.

Actually, the Greek kids used to as well. I used to see the Greek kids sweeping the floor of the bakery and the fruit shop and stuff. But that's the thing. Like in Swan Hill, I would have thought Greeks and Asian wouldn't have been that commonplace. No, not really. We were the only Asian family for a while.

There was a family that ran the Chinese restaurant who were Chinese, but we never saw them around and it was us. Did you go over to their house and be like, Oi, we've already got one. Oi, Ching. Yeah. We've got one Asian family in town. Get out.

Get out, Ching Chong. You never saw them. So you just never ran into them? No, I never ran into them. I didn't know. It was like they lived in the Chinese restaurant. And also that means that you never went to the Chinese restaurant. No, we did go there.

Oh, it means they never had headaches or any kind of ailments. I reckon you were the same people. You never saw each other. This is some sort of fight club situation happening. We were very visible being the only Asians. It was sort of like – because I have two sisters and a brother and it didn't sort of matter if you didn't know which one we were. We were the Asian kids, you know.

So if one of us was doing something naughty, it'd be so easy to peg it on us yeah shame it was a shocker shocking way to grow up so all you want to do is be invisible yeah yeah yeah sure like what yeah because i i think you know i was from maribor which is 8 000 people how many swan hill like 16 000 16 oh here double double the maribor um hang on that checks out yeah yeah good so only one asian family in maribor there was there was oh really when i grew up oh that's what i could remember like uh there was there was only a couple of kids at school and there they were the kids from the peach village the one chinese that was the one place to go out in maribor the one restaurant you could go out um when you're a bit of a grown-up, you get to go to your awakening party,

whatever it is you're passing into teenagehood. Awakening is probably a bad word. Awakening party? You're an awakening party. When I flowered. You are a million years old. You're an awakening party. So you're bar mitzvah or something?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, we got circumcised in the Chinese restaurant. She's Galamari. You know, when you're stepping out with your sweetheart. What did you call going out with people when you were a teenager? Going out. Did you? Yes.

I think we called it Going with Are you going with him Yeah You're going with him Do you know I'm going to ask you Another thing about the country

Did you do debutante balls Yes Yeah that was a big thing In Swan Hill as well Was if you were asked But I'm wrecked You didn't get asked

To your debutante But that's fine I didn't want to Is it Doesn't sound fine Doesn't sound like something that someone at that age would be fine with at all. Oh man, I was totally

fine with it. It was months of dance lessons. Why would I want to do that? And it was not the same time as soccer and so I had teammates that couldn't play soccer anymore because they had to train for a dead ball. So I was totally fine with it. I couldn't see. Is that a tearful? Don't you find that? No, you were younger then. You've grown out of that mentality. She's lit it out, mate. I can see. Is that a tearful? You're fine, mate.

No, you were younger then. You've grown out of that mentality. Oh no, your girlfriend's been waiting eight years for you to propose. Have you still not proposed? That's amazing. Was it a few years ago? The last time you were on the podcast? Yeah. Eight years. I'm waiting for her

to ask me to the dead ball. So, fair's fair. Do you just hate suits and dancing? Is this the problem? I just want to play soccer. All right? That's a Saturday. I could be playing soccer instead of going to a church.

I think that's fair. Soccer wedding, maybe? Oh, a soccer-themed wedding. Oh, yeah. We've got the chemist's cafe. Now we've got a soccer wedding. We're turning up all sorts of combos on this show. The McDonald's cinema.

Instead of a ring, you smash her in the face got a soccer wedding we're truing up all sorts of combos on this show the McDonald's cinema instead of a ring you smash her in the face with a soccer ball instead of a ring there's a penalty shootout so yeah so yes so

Swan Hill yeah awesome so we've got more in common than I thought I thought we already had so much but now we've got even more so yeah you lived there

until what you were in high school and then get shipped out to boarding school oh man so boarding school in melbourne and then you just hung around in melbourne from then on yeah man so boarding school i did you guys ever go did you have boarding school there was a boarding school at my high school but i didn't go a boarding school at your high school yeah yeah yeah what does that mean people could board school yeah that's where the boarding house was. Oh, right.

So you were a local but other people got shipped in. Yes. Yeah, people did that at my school. One of my best mates in high school, when we were in year nine, his parents decided that they just wanted to go to Europe for six months. So they just stuck him in the boarding house. And he's like – Oh, in your home?

Yeah, yeah. And he's like – his house was like, you know, 20 minutes from the school. And he was like, can't I just live in the house? And they're like, yeah. His house was like 20 minutes from the school. He was like, can't I just live in the house? They're like, nah, we'd rather spend more money to put you in this shitty place where you have to sign out when you go to get a Coke from the shop. Yeah, you know the thing where all your life you've not wanted to go to school, now you live there. He was so dark.

Did you hate it? Because that was the thing at the end of the day. I couldn't imagine not being able to go home. You finish school, it's like, well, I'll stay at school yeah yeah and stuff detention is now my life yeah yeah do you know what it's sort of not as bad as it sounds if you if you're the sort of person who can thrive at school camp and not miss your family too much it's it's pretty cool plus i really love being out of the country i love i love cities I've always wanted to be in the city. And then I wasn't that keen on my mum and dad.

So it was like win, win, win. You know, it was a bit of a hotbed of lesbianism. Oh. Not really. Sorry, Kat. Well, that's all the time we've got for this week. We'll make up the rest on the way home. I think we've got enough samples from you that we can stitch some stories together using some little vocal loops and whatnot.

So what's like living in Melbourne, like not knowing anyone to go there to start with? And were you with your brother as well? No, no, no. So it was an all-girls school, but my two older sisters went to the same school. Oh, okay. And they had finished by the time I started because they're a fair bit older than me. So they would take me out on weekends. Oh, so they were living in finished by the time I started because they were a fair bit older than me. So they would take me out on weekends and they'd, you know. Oh, so they were living in Melbourne.

Yeah, they were living in Melbourne. They gave me cigarettes. They taught me how to drink beer. Right. It was great. How did that lesson go? It was great. And, you know, they took me to rock festivals and to see my first bands and stuff.

And I was 14. Because all Asian people look the same, my sister gave me her ID so I could get in anywhere I wanted with her legit driver's licence and it's just opened up this whole world for me. So you were just driving around Melbourne? Age 13, awesome. Yeah, but it was so great. So people talk about this institutionalisation. It was really – it was very freeing for me,

especially when you kind of do come from a country town where everyone's white, everyone's very prescribed, everyone votes Liberal National. Yep. And you can see, you can crack it open and go, well, the world is much, much bigger. And a lot of the borders came from the country, but they also lived in places like Oman or Paris or Indo

and they were all very interesting people as well. Yeah, yeah, sure. What was the first band you ever saw? The Huxton Creepers. Oh. And then I also saw a band called the Melody Lords who did 70s covers and they did, All right, all right, I got my eyes on you.

And I thought, oh, my God, they wrote that song? It was a cover band but I used to go to a pub called the Great Britain which is still around in Richmond. Still there? Yeah. But it was really punk back then and you used to see a band for four bucks or something Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and that was, you know, my whole sort of year 11 and 12 I was there every weekend.

Oh, was the boarding school close to Richmond? No. Well, by then I'd moved out and I'd moved in with my sister. Oh. Yeah. In year 11? Yeah. Oh yeah oh so cool that yeah that is the cool kid that's awesome so yeah she's having parties and you're just the the year 11 person coming to school on the monday going yeah hanging out with these bands on the weekend so you're that you're that kid smashing beers yeah oh awesome yeah it was pretty good it was pretty good i mean i sort of wish that I'd had a bit more help with study. But then when I think about it, you know, I became a music journo.

So all that, that was kind of like my study. Well, I was just thinking you were able to like drink in year 11 with your sister and whatever in Melbourne. I'm thinking, oh, that's cool. No, it's not. You come from a country town. You could have been drinking at age 10. Yeah, why did it take you so long?

Yeah, exactly. You were prude until then. So what was the first band you ever saw? Oh, let's not. Okay. You're all going to be embarrassed. I don't think I've ever seen an actual band. No, no, no.

That's just really embarrassing. I was very – I went to a school in – see, I was from not that country town but two hours on the bus. So I didn't fit in with them being quite fancy. It was a private girls' grammar school. What was it called? Tin Turn. Oh, yeah, fancy. quite fancy. It was a private girls' grammar school. What was it called? Tintern. Oh, yeah, fancy, very fancy.

And I was from the country. What country town are you from? Well, it's not that country I get shit for. It's Yarra Valley. So it was still two hours on the bus. It was not country enough to be a boarding school, but it's country enough to be an outsider at Tintern. Yeah, yeah, sure.

And, like, once we drove through my town on the way to ski camp or something and I was like, oh, there's my house up there and I got a bit of, do you have electricity? And I was like, yeah. Do you have like a thatched roof and stuff? Do the cows live in the house with you? Yeah, yeah.

Is your dad the Garth and McCain's dad? We had chickens and that kind of stuff. It was a weird kind of – oh, I hated school. Those people are for real though, aren't they? Because that sounds like a joke when you get asked those questions but I'll get asked those questions as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember this girl saying to me once, she was like,

oh my God, don't you hate it when your cleaner's cleaning your house and you don't want to talk to her so you have to go up the other end of the house until she's finished doing that end of the house and then you have to sort of swap in the middle and then go up the other end of the house so you don't have to talk to her. And I'd be like, yeah, I like throwing rotten eggs down the hill. Sometimes we have too many eggs because we've got so many chickens and we can't eat them all, so they go off.

And if they're off, mum goes, do you want this ice cream bucket full of eggs to throw them against a tree or whatever you want to do with them? So that was kind of the divide. But it was very music. I never knew. It was flipped in between soup, extreme pop or like really lame grunge. It was five. It was five. It was five.

Yeah. It was five. Yes. It was five. If you're getting down. What was that? And I saw five. And was it the greatest night of your life up until that point?

I wanted to be one of the dancers really badly. Yeah. I remember that going, how much fun do you get to hang out with five? It's funny how quickly the conversation went from rotten eggs to five. Yeah. Not funny at all. No, pretty seamless. But yeah. Which is the conversation went from rotten eggs to five. Yeah. Not funny at all. No, pretty seamless.

Which is the sexy one from five? I can't even remember now. Abs. There was one who did a baseball bat mime, which was always really cool. Who did it? He did a baseball bat mime. Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth. And that was at the Great Britain as well?

No. In the downstairs bit. I can imagine. Tonight we've got the five of. When the Stones have come to town, they've done an intimate gig In the downstairs bit. I can imagine. Tonight we've got It's like, you know, when the Stones have come to town they've done like

an intimate gig at the Corner Hotel there. I think it was at Rod Laver or something like that. It was something mental. When I wasn't doing Rock of Stedford's I was going to watch Five.

Oh, yes. So pretty much the same as you, Yumi. Probably we would have hung out. I was on the bus. But yeah So music

I never really saw much Many bands and that kind of stuff But that was the first one What about you Chandler? First band? Oh gee I don't know I'm not sure

Because you know I didn't move to Melbourne until The Big Bopper Yeah You're old Yeah I don't know I went to see Battle of the Bands stuff in Meribah and Clunes

and stuff like that, so it doesn't really count. It counts. It's a bit. It's so – well, you know, I've mentioned this on the podcast before. I grew up with some of the guys in the Avalanches, so I went and saw them do Battle of the Bands stuff when they first started in Clunes. I went and saw them.

They did a Battle of the Bands when – I think their name back then was Roger, Roger, I have no fingers. So I'm not sure what prompted the change. But they played a Battle of the Bands that was four bands in Clunes on some form of a hay shed or something like that. Or maybe this is wrong, but it feels like it was either of a hay shed or something like that. Or, oh, maybe this is wrong, but it feels like it was either in a hay shed or the back of a ute or something.

And there was four bands and they all played the same song. What? Yes. That was the battle. No, they didn't. No, they accidentally did it. Oh, you're kidding. Yeah.

You're allowed to play two songs, I think. And they all accidentally played the same song. Do you remember what song it was? Yes, because I heard it four times. It was Old Man Sam by Spider-Bait. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah.

And what? That would have been pretty recent at the time, right? Spider-Bait were massive in Mirror. That had just come out. In that scene at that time, everyone was discovering the snare drum and absolutely loving it. So they all played that song. Except there was four bands.

So these guys, there was two other bands. I'm not sure where they were from. There was definitely this sort of glammy sort of Guns N' Roses sort of band from Ballarat. They thought they were so big from Ballarat. They thought they were so good. They got Cryo Castle. They got bloody all that stuff. They think they were so big from Ballarat. They thought they were so good. They got Cryo Castle. They got bloody all that stuff.

They think they're so good. Check out these pricks from that slightly bigger shithole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got Sovereign Hill. They got an old-timey place. So they were the fourth band on. So everyone accidentally played Old Man Sam. It's so great.

It's really great. It got to the fourth band and it was them. It was the Big Timers from Ballarat and they go, oh, guess we have to play the song now. And then they just strummed the guitar once and went, old man Sam fucking sucks and then walked off stage. That's rock. So that pretty punk rock, you probably saw them at the Great Britain.

Yeah, I reckon I might have. You know, I also remember seeing The Angels was one of the first bands I ever saw. And that was right when Am I Ever Going to See Your Face Again was a big song. And I must have been like 13, I reckon, standing in this crowd. It was a day festival. It was like in a car park, people everywhere.

And just hearing a song that you knew from the radio but being performed live by the writers of the song, like it was fucking electrifying. You know when you sort of feel pops of ecstasy in your heart? It's like fireworks of happiness. I felt that way when Five were playing If You're Going Down. I was like this is – I felt that way when I took ecstasy at Meredith a few weeks ago.

I'm so sorry to interrupt. That was a beautiful – it made me feel really sad. Anyone who's not been into music, like that's – you describe it like that. It's like it just sounds like a wonderful experience. It's so great. And I think once you sort of have that feeling, you start chasing it and you want to see the dance and you want to hear those songs that you love. Did you really take ecstasy at Meredith?

No. No. No, you did, didn't you? I think you did. No. We can see the physical actions of Tommy here, but he's officially saying no on the podcast, but we can see his head moving up and down.

As I put a pill into my mouth. As you take off your happy pants and twirl them above your head. I'm shaking my head back and forth to get the pill to go down quicker, try and get it to sink into my bloodstream a little bit quicker. I remember seeing bands like that early on and just going in to see bands and thinking anything could happen. It was like a dangerous thing.

When you're that early on and you haven't seen that sort of thing before, anything could happen in this place. The guys in the band are in control. This whole place could go up in fire or something. You don't know what's going to happen. I actually quite love the idea of that if Battle of the Bands was actually set up like that. That's how they crown it.

Everyone just plays the same song. Yeah. And the song should be something like Rock Around the Clock and whoever makes it. Does it have to be Rock Around the Clock? And whoever makes it, if anyone can make it not shit, you win. It's Rock Around the Clock or Monster Mash. No.

I thought we were trying to get people to go. No, but that's the challenge. To update Monster Mash. I was at a wedding about this time last go. No, but that's the challenge. To update Monster Mash. I was at a wedding about this time last year and the DJ played Rock Around the Clock. Does that song ever need to be played anywhere ever again? Sometimes there's a bunch of people with a clock and they don't know what to do with it. Even the limpest, most fucking boring. Even in a documentary about Bill Haley, I think that should be left out.

What a limp song. Just, oh, my God. Well, what else is he supposed to do around the clock? Anything else. Just play any other song. Block around the clock. You're the one who brought up rock around the stupid clock. I'm going to bring out at Channel 9's going to do a show,

The Block Around the Clock. Oh, there we go. That's where you have to read about houses around Big Ben. But I love that you have to hang out with Scott Camp for days on end. It's a Scottish version? Jock Around the Clock? I don't know. I'm out.

I don't know what that is. That's why they call it Scottish Bill. Anyway, tell me very quickly, what was your first band? It was a double bill. Aqua? It was Groove Armada opening up for Jamiroquai. At the Sydney My Music Bowl. In the battle of who could suck more.

Jamiroquai sucks more. Then Groove Armada. Tommy's a massive Jamiroquai. Oh, sorry. Old school Jamiroquai fan. Oh, no. He came and played at my work and I think he's – you know when you meet some people and you go –

you look at them and you kind of scan the thing behind the eyes? JK is his name and I remember scanning the thing behind his eyes and going, oh, it's all the ecstasy you took at Meredith, isn't it? He just looked like there wasn't much going on, you know. It was like a big empty echoing chamber. Oh, and now Deslo's crying. All right, that's both of us now. No, I'm loving this.

This is great. He brought his own security, which he was very big then. And the security was standing, you know, at the base of the stage. He had the speaker stacks sort of right in front of him but down low. And I think it was Andrew G then, Osher, would ask him a question and the security, standing there with his arms folded, would go, funny answer. And he'd pipe up an answer which JK would just parrot out.

Oh, great. Oh, what? Yes. Totally. That is bizarre. It was so bizarre. I mean, not like hundreds of times, but just a couple of funny one-liners that JK couldn't muster on his own

and his security guard did it for him. The security guard's writing for JK? Yeah, on the fly. Oh, wow. I'd love to see that interview, like how you get your balances. Like, if you're licensed, can you punch dudes in the head? Yeah. Are you funny?

Yes. All right. I'm going to send off a resume, try and get your license, can you punch dudes in the head? Yeah. Are you funny? Yes. All right. I'm going to send off a resume, try and get a job writing for JK. We need someone with a very, very specific set of skills. Punchlines and punches. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, that should be my number one question.

When you're working with V, who's the biggest freak that you met? Oh, the biggest freak? Who's the best and the worst people you met? Well, the worst people, without a doubt, hands down, are new Australian bands. Oh, brand new Australian bands. Yeah, anyone who's sort of fairly… Roger, Roger, I have no fingers. They sound funny because you can talk about their name for at least 10 years.

But a newly minted Australian band. I think Australians, maybe this has changed, but they don't like to do sw do swagger you know maybe in the hip-hop scene that's changed a bit but the the aussie rock bands they just want to play hot music and score chicks and sink piss and they don't want to have to get up there and do the showmanship whereas you interview an american band and they'll be like oh yeah let me tell you about the time we supported blah blah they can they can rack on to her. They can regard. They can anecdote. Whereas an Australian band is just like, oh, you know,

we came out of the country and, you know, we don't think we're anything special. We just played Old Man Sam at this battle of the bands last week. People seem to really like it. Yeah, and they don't – no one wants to be the spokesperson. They haven't done any media training. They'll just talk down into their laps and it's shit. So that's why if you get like a Phil Jamison, you know,

someone who can be funny, it's really – it's a bloody blessing. But the freaks I've interviewed I think would probably be Slipknot. Do you remember them? Yeah. They're coming out again, aren't they coming out? Yeah. They're still around. Yeah.

Yeah. They were such a good band. I mean, I love that double kick pedal metal stuff that's kind of quite accessible, quite pop. But they kind of, they were almost like they'd set themselves up for this terrible life where they were from Iowa, which is a shithole. Yeah. The Maribor of metal.

And they kind of formulated this thing. You can imagine these really ugly, really dorky, misfit guys in someone's basement drinking beer and coming up with this fantasy of what they would do with their band. And it was almost like a religion where they had to, they were quite dogmatic about what they could do. And the big part was the masks. They couldn't come off ever because the whole thing about rock and roll

is it's about ego and flamboyance and showmanship and they're trying to off ever because the whole thing about rock and roll is it's about ego and flamboyance and showmanship and they're trying to make it about the music and also about connecting with all the other misfits all around the world which is what they did beautifully because misfits could could fucking smell it you know that these guys were legit yeah and i remember them saying they were on tour with the big day out and they were like And everyone would get along on The Big Day Out They'd all hang out They'd all get drunk together They'd go to after parties

They'd go play cricket or bowling or whatever And these guys would not And they were like Oh no, we're going to stay in Brisbane Not the Gold Coast Because basically we're like The turds in the punch bowl So they even sort of had this

Sort of, you know This self-loathing But I think they got to a point where the music was fucking great and people loved them and they found the masks so oppressive to play in like hot days, Gold Coast, big day. Can you imagine? It's so hot and sweaty. It's a thing that you come up with when you don't ever imagine yourself

being bought out for the summer festival circuit. Sort of thing where, you know, like four years ago you come up with a name like the Little Dum Dum Club and don't know you're going to be describing it to people for the next four years. And those masks used to fill with sweat and they'd have to have special ventilation put into them and they would get really funky in transit and have these rants and smell in them. Anyway, the whole thing was I think they were incredibly tormented.

So that was beautiful to interview, you know, these guys. I didn't know they were the real deal to be honest. I thought they were just dudes that went, oh, this will be a hook. This is good. But that's cool if it was actually the real deal, if they were as fucked up as they looked. I think underneath the mask there were like heaps ugly. They never got mistaken for rock stars, you know,

at the airport or whatever. Yeah, yeah, right. Oh, cool. So it was just like the IT club that just got cool, just whacked masks on and that was it. Yeah. I'm one of them. Sorry.

One of them is me. Oh, one of them is me. Are you in Slipknot? Yeah, yeah. Are you one of the people in Slipknot? Yeah, yeah, I've had a mask on. Wow. I would never have guessed that.

Which one are you? Which mask do you wear? The one in the mask. The girly one. The girly one. The pink one with the bow in its hair. The Hello Kitty. The one with lipstick on the mask. Slipnet.

The all-female Slipknot. The one with the pink spikes coming out of his face. Well, talking of music festivals and stuff, I should say this quickly. So we're recording this the day before New Year's Eve. No, two days before New Year's Eve. I'm heading off tomorrow to do some gigs at the Falls Festivals, which will be a lot of fun. And here's a strange thing that's happening for some reason.

So I'm doing Southbound in Perth, Byron Bay, Marion Bay, and Tomorrow in Lawn, which my parents are coming to. So I get guest tickets and I can give them to whomever I want. To Lawn? Just to the Lawn one? Just to the Lawn one, yeah. They're coming down. They're going to hang out with me at a music festival.

Right. Sorry. So you've given them free tickets. I thought you meant they were going to be there anyway. Oh, no. And they actually didn't want you to come because you're going to crap their style. Like, ugh. They were coming to see Muse anyway. Oh, no. And they actually didn't want you to come because you're going to crap their style. Like, ugh. They were coming to see Muse and then you just.

Yeah. So I know I gave you a lot of shit for going to Thailand with your parents, but who's the loser now, hey? So, yeah, I mean, when I told mum I was doing it and she was like, oh, you're going to Lawn? Yeah. Oh, maybe we'll come. And I'm like, oh, okay.

Sure. I could, that could happen. Do they know the gig's not at the Cumberland? Like, do they think it's some five-star resort? I tried to talk mum through it all and she said, yeah, no, that could happen. Do they know the gig's not at the Cumberland? Like do they think it's some five-star resort? I tried to talk mum through it all and she said, yeah, no, that sounds great, we'd love to come. Can you get me some ecstasy? A couple of months later I was like,

mentioned something about there being music there and mum goes, oh, is there music there? I'm like, oh, boy, I don't think you quite know. But I just kind of left it alone thinking they'll forget or they'll lose interest or whatever. And then about a week and a half ago they were like, You quite know. But I just kind of left it alone thinking they'll forget or they'll lose interest or whatever. And then about a week and a half ago they were like, yeah, so what are we doing?

Are we coming? And I was like, I guess you are now. So I had to email the festival and go, is it cool if I have two tickets for my mum and dad? Are they going to camp? Are they bringing two cans? No, they're not camping. They're just going to come in for the day. For the day, okay.

I kind of wish it kind of would be – now that it's happening, I kind of – I think it would be better if it just did go the whole hog and I did like camp there with them for four days. Yeah. Oh, my God. Did you see there was a weather alert saying there's gale force winds, storms expected, and they're actually telling people to dismantle the tents because they'll get blown away.

Oh, God. And to sit in their cars. Wow. Well, it was almost looking like it was going to be too easy to be down there with my parents, so that's good that there'll be something to spice it up. I had one of the worst gigs I've ever had. I did that gig. Oh, yeah?

I did that gig at Lawn Falls when I was like a year, like five, six years ago. And Tommy's parents came up to watch you? They did. And I was like, you guys are pinging off your heads, all right? Go sort yourselves out, straighten up and then come back because I cannot understand a word you are saying. Stay away from Stein's Pharmacy. No, and I'm sure they've changed the design now,

but it was when the comedy tent was at the top of a hill and the main stage was down the thing. Oh, no, that's still the case. Right. Well, it was 40 degrees. It was in the daytime. The only reason there were people in this tent is because there was shade, so they didn't want to be watching comedy anyway still the case right they couldn't

hear the comedians because the main stage was so loud so they couldn't hear us at all and i had a terrible gear i just ate it because i wanted it was awful and then i start i was this way we're doing stand-up or you were with slipnet at this point this is this is the same day i made the transition that's the day. That's why people book you. I walked off stage and went, I need to make some changes. Yeah. And I've got a pocket full of pink spikes.

What am I going to do? And I already feel like sticking them in my face. I'm with Mrs. Pac-Man. I'm slipping up. No, I cried. I've never cried directly. Audiences not seen me cry on stage, but I cried between turning away from the mic and off stage.

So by the time I got off stage, I was crying. And I walked off stage and just bumped directly into Adam Hills who went, hello, I'm Adam. And I went, this isn't how I wanted to meet you. Anyway, but I had a terrible time because that was when I had a particular boyfriend and we drove there and camped and he lost my car key in the field. So I couldn't get changed and we had to leave my car there.

We couldn't find the key. We had to abandon it, drive back to Melbourne. Then a few days later someone would have found the key and got it. But it was an absolute disaster. That sounds like the worst thing that that boyfriend could have ever done to you. That is terrible. It's not the worst thing. At least for me if that happens, if I have a terrible gig and I start crying,

at least my mummy and daddy will be there to take care of me. Do you think they'll want to hang out? Will they hang out with you while they're there? Yeah. What else are they going to do? Hang out with each other and see music. Oh, I'd love that to be the case. Well, there's a couple of bands on After Me that seem like the sort of thing

that they'd enjoy, so I think I'll just hang there me that seem like the sort of thing that they'd enjoy. So I think I'll just hang there with them for like an hour. What do your parents enjoy? Rack. No, there's like a couple of, like a guy called Askia, this Swedish dude, and a guy called George Ezra who are just sort of soul-y sort of slow kind of stuff. Cafe music. cafe music.

Cafe music. There you go. I think you should pack a bottle of red for them just in case they sort of need that. Oh, that would be good. I get done smuggling booze into the festival and I'm like, oh, no, no, this is for my parents who are coming with me. I'm 28.

Maybe you should get your mum some thrush shorts. Oh, yes. Thrush shorts. You know how all the girls wear thrush shorts? I've never heard them be called. But you know exactly what I'm talking about, though. The tiny, teeny little denim shorts that cut you right up the minky. Yeah, they go straight in your face.

Shut up. Or the pug. You know what I mean. Foose flips. Foose flips. I've never heard them called that before and I hope I never do again. Yeah, so I'm sure, look, I'm sure there'll be something to report back on once I get back because this is the other thing.

It's like I've tried to do everything I can to say it's really, like the last time I went there was maybe three or four years ago, so I would have been 24, 25, and even then I thought, oh, I'm too old to be here. Like it's a very, it's like a lot of people straight out of high school. It's like their first New Year's Eve out of high school. So, and like dad's got sciatica and he can't walk properly and it's like, it's a big site. Like there's a, there's a lot of ground to cover.

So look, I want it to be, I want it to be a nice event for them. If only, if only you would do a gig in Melbourne sometime, they could come and, I could come and see that. That's the other thing is them also watching me do comedy in the worst possible conditions for comedy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like that thing in comedy where you only invite people along

to something where you know you're going to smash it. Like you're not going to invite people along if there's no roof on the place where you're going to eat it big time. Well, my plan is if I get my mum and dad to watch from side of stage where the sound won't be very good, so at least then I can say to them, nah, out there it was killing. It's just from back here the acoustics are really bad

and you can't hear properly. So that's good for them to come all the way out and then not hear the gig properly. Yeah, sure. But yeah, that's my New Year's Eve. So yeah, could be good, could be a disaster. My band played Falls Festival one year. Yeah, yeah, that's my New Year's Eve. So, yeah, could be good, could be a disaster. My band played Falls Festival. Yeah.

One New Year, yeah, yeah. We played the New Year's Countdown actually on that small stage. Yeah. While Wolf Mother played the big stage to about five people we played. Like seriously that few? Well… Because they would have been Wolf Mother when they were at the peak of their powers. I think they were probably eight of our friends and ten people who were lost.

This says Wolf Mother are really different. They sound more original than I remember. And the eight of your friends, not to be rude, but I'm sure there's a big percentage of them that are like, fuck, it'd be great to be able to see Wolf Mother. No, they weren't. They were bang up for a bit of the punishers. And we had – we decorated the stage with I think 260 inflatable

Hello Kitty dolls. Yeah, great. So we're throwing them out to all eight. I've already got seven of these. Please don't throw me. Thanks. The only thing is I often go over that New Year's Eve in my head because we were a shitty band and we didn't have many songs.

So we actually ran short. We only played, instead of playing an hour-long set. How many times did you play Old Man Sam? We played for 45 minutes and then we stopped and then Wolf Mother stopped as well and all their crowd started to assemble in front of our stage. I really think we should have just played our set all over again. Wouldn't that have been great?

Bit of Spider Bay. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys. I think that is just about all the time we have for the Little Dum Dum Club this week. Celia Pakola, Yumi Steins, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. Celia, you're going to be…, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. Celia, you're going to be...

I'm back in Melbourne for a while. You're back in Melbourne. You've got gigs around the place. I'm doing this year's show. So has this come out in 2015?

So last year's show. Let me know how it all works out at Adelaide and Brisbane and maybe a couple of Melbourne dates. No new show for me this year. But yeah, I'll be around.

Twitter's probably the best place to find me. Cool. Awesome. At Celia Pakola. Or at at five concerts if I've come back in the front row is that your Twitter handle at five concerts

at five concerts yeah Yumi your holiday house the address for which is top secret I'm going to have to kill you now

anything that you anything that you would like to play no but I have you know what for ages I haven't had to tell anyone this, so I'd just like to tell everyone to go eat a bag of dicks. Yay!

All right. That's a great sign-off. That's just to everyone? Yeah, go eat a bag of dicks. All right. Well, enjoy that bag of dicks is one of the first things that you do in 2015. And thanks very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.