The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 223 - Wil Anderson & Lehmo

Episode Date: January 13, 2015

Karl's Friend, Ollies Trolleys and Lehmo's Wedding. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, we've got a bunch of live shows coming up around the country, so we thought we'd drop in at the start of the episode and let you know what we've got. Carl, open your little diary up and tell us where we are first. Hello Brisbane, we're coming to you on March 1st, so that's going to be awesome. We were nice and full last year, so if we could do that again, that would be awesome. And then we go straight off to Adelaide on March 15th. I don't know if that's straight off, two weeks later, but yeah. That's how I work. We're going by boat.

I'm going to drink for two weeks until it happens. Okay, cool. Pass out at the airport and then get onto a flight on the 14th. That is at the Producers Bar where we did the Dumb Dumber Palooza for people who came to that. It would be awesome to pack that out again. And then in Melbourne, we've got four shows on sale for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. You can buy a season pass where you get all four shows for a little cheaper or you can get the individual tickets. If you buy either of them, it gets you into the now infamous

third annual drunk cast on the last night of the comedy festival. A huge roster of guests just letting fly. And it's like the last show of the festival. So it's a nice little party. We're not recording it. We never record it. So if you miss this, you never find out all the very libelous stuff that we say. Let's just say very quickly, people in other states where we're doing shows have said,

can we do a drunk cast there? And the answer is kind of no, because the vibe of the drunk cast in the comedy festival, it's a very special kind of feeling. It's the last show that anyone does in the comedy festival. It's after everyone's last night. So, you know, just a bit of an FAQ. And also we can't be bothered. Yeah, we can't be bothered getting very drunk after a gig. We can't be bothered not recording what we say when we're drunk.

So, yeah, plenty of things for you to come check out. Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne, all of those tickets are on sale, littledumbdumbclub.com I've also got my new show Cutie Pie which is in Perth and then Brisbane and then Melbourne that's on sale at tommydassolo.com and also if this is your first time checking out the show if you head over to littledumbdumbclub.com

we have 200 plus episodes of this kind of bullshit with all sorts of great guests so if you like what you're about to hear, yep. Yeah, lots of, like including today's episode, we've got lots of episodes where Will Anderson has come on. We've got Sean McAuliffe, Tony Martin, heaps of big names. So see his show, check out some old episodes, and we'll see you soon.

See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, I was at your little comedy skit room last night that you run,

Five Burrows. Oh, no, it's not Five Burrows. Portland Comedy, Portland Hotel. It's actually known as my riddle house. Oh, the riddle house. Carl Chandler's riddle house at the Portland Hotel. Names are almost not long enough if you ask me. I was sitting there and a dude came over in the break and he kind of was looking at me and I was like, oh, hey, man.

And he said to me, I said, hey Tommy and he said oh Carl's friend now my question to you is was there a friend of yours there and that's how he was introducing himself to me oh or was that just how he knows me do you know what I mean was that just him going yeah you're Carl's friend yeah that's how you'll build on all my posters from now on people's tv shows then yours has just told me that's like Carl's friend. Yeah, that's how you'll build on all my posters from now on. Yeah. People's TV shows and then yours has just told me to ask, like, Carl's friend. Yeah. Because I just assumed, oh, yeah, he's just saying he's a friend of yours. And then he walked off and everyone else with us went, man, that's brutal.

That's the only way he can associate you with anything. Yeah, you need to get more credits. So did you – was there a – I did have friends there last night. Okay. Yeah. So I'm just going to say I don't even need to ask you what he looked like. I'm just going to say –

If I was you, I wouldn't double check. I'd just assume it just for your own sake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There were lots of friends of yours there last night. Yeah. Okay. Today on the show, two big guests we're very excited about. First of all, from Gold FM, Bridge and Limo,

please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Limo. Yeah, thank you guys. It's a pleasure to be here. It's my first podcast as a married man, so that excites me. Yeah. Is it all going to be different now? Everything's changing.

No more trying to pick up on the podcast anyway. Says who? Wait, is this podcast your honeymoon? We are in a hotel room. Look, you guys ask me first, okay? I said, babe, I don't want to let him down. Also joining us, you know him from Tofop, from Willosophy, from Gruen, currently reclining on the bed in his hotel room,

it's Will Anderson. Yeah. I would like to be referred to as Mr. Lehman's friend. Actually, when I was at high school, I have a story about this. I had this teacher called Wally Vermaelen. He was Canadian and he was a year 11 chemistry teacher. And I sat next to a guy who is now a quite well-known Channel 10 sports commentator called Mark Howard. He's calling the BBL and he's a footy commentator.

And we were great mates from high school and so I sat next to Howie for every class in year 11 chemistry and Wally Vermaelen did not know my name for an entire year of chemistry and whenever he needed me to pay attention he would go you, you, you, Mr. Howard's

friend. I still think he probably sees me on Gruen and goes, oh, that show that Mr. Howard is from. I used to, when I was doing Before the Game, we would go out after Before the Game and we would walk into a pub

and I would, if I would walk in first, I would sometimes see people in the pub go, oh, it's that guy from Before the Game. And then right behind me would be Mick Malloy and Hughsey and they'd go, oh, Mick Malloy and Hughsey. And the guy from before the game. The guy from before the game, yeah.

I like with yours, Will, like, you know, all your festival shows and stuff like that, you've got the pun of, you know, your name Will in the title. But for him, he's just like going, oh, I wonder what Mr. Howard's friend-osophy, you know, is that going to be the name of this? I mean, to the title. But for him, he's just like going, oh, I wonder what Mr Howard's friend-osophy, you know, is that going to be the name of this? I mean, to be honest, it's a whole new career. I could start again, you know, in anything.

Because it's like friend is actually quite good for topics. It could be, you know, Mr Howard's friend of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think there's a lot in it. One of the most brutal ones of them I've ever witnessed was I used to run a comedy gig with a friend of mine a few years ago now. And it was after the gig one night. And we're all sitting around in a big circle, about ten of us, people, you know, all comics people who'd been on.

And Lawrence Mooney was there. And he did, for whatever reason, in this little game he was playing, it was like a thing where, you know, you're going around the table. And he was doing an act out or something that involved him, you know, going around one by one and know everyone around the table and he goes around and he gets to gets to me he goes on tommy dasalo is doing this and then he gets to my friend who's sitting next to me who i ran the gig with and he goes and of course over here we've got tommy dasalo's little mate from sydney and everyone just goes fuck you forgot his name and it was oh was like, it's funny to look back on now, but at the time it was like skin crawling. It was so bad.

I realised the other day I'm the ultimate cliche because the project office is the one that kills me because I've been in town doing the project this weekend. Because you see those people and they're all so lovely, but there's like 500 people who work there. And so you go in, you're busy all day, you meet the same 500 people each time. So by the time you get back there a few times, you really feel like you should know who everyone is

but you don't really know who anyone is and you like them. You know even what they do but you're not really sure, you know, which one's Chris and which one's Craig and which one's like. They all have similar names. Some of them even look kind of the same. I know. They do the same job. It's like they were like, oh, we need a guy to produce the show

who's like about this high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's hard. I would hate to work at the Channel 7 or Channel 9 newsroom where every female newsreader is five foot nine with a blonde bob cut. Right. They're all just cut out of the same good cut. Hate's a pretty strong word.

Right. Given what you've just said. I'd be fine with that, yeah. But Channel 9 is like newsreaders of the corn. Like those kids grew up and they started reading news. Yeah. There's some big Matrix style plant where they're just like farming them. But I do think that's so weird.

Like, you know, in the old days you'd have, you know, meteorologists doing the weather that knew what the weather meant and now it's like you just have models now. Or, no, sorry, you have wives of football players. Right, we were former model wives of football players. Yeah, sorry, yeah. They're double threats, mate. Yeah.

They are both models. They're triple threats. They are models, they are wives of footballers and they can point at a blue screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tick, tick, tick, my friend. Yeah, they know numbers. Triple trouble. They know numbers. Triple trouble.

They know numbers between 15 and 35. So here's the thing I would say is this week I've had a new plan because I've decided this week I wanted to learn some people's names, right? So they don't give you a pass anymore. In the old days at Channel 10, poor old Channel 10, it's getting less and less. In the old days, if you were there for a week, they'd give you your own pass so you could go up to make-up

and stuff like that. No pass anymore. Oh, boy. Now what they do is they just say, when you're turning the handle, hold the door up and push it back really hard. We got rid of passes. There's nothing worth stealing.

Please bring something in. If you have an old iPhone, we need to film something on Studio 10. And bring some TVs in and switch it to 10 as well. I have passes from shows that I worked on like five years ago that I never returned. I wonder if I'm going to get a call going, hey, look, we kind of didn't need them before, but we really need them back now. Yeah, look, mate, we have to pay some creditors. Gina Reinhardt's going to settle for eight old passes.

They're going to break our thumbs. They're going to take all the modern family tapes away and then we'll have nothing. So this is why I've had to borrow various pieces. So on the first day, I had to borrow someone's pass just to flick the elevator to go up, right? Whose pass are you trying to get in with? No, well, this is my point is that now,

I mean people who work there in the building. So if you're in the office and you have to get in with? No. Well, this is my point is that now, I mean, people who work there in the building. So if you're in the office and you have to go up to make up, you can say to someone, hey, can I borrow your pass for a minute to get up there? And I realised the first time I did that, that their pass has both their name and their photo on it. So now every day when I need to go somewhere,

I borrow a different person's pass. And I'm putting it together like a game of guess who. So like for the whole time on the way to make up, I can be like, okay, that's Brad. That's Brad. I know who Brad is now. I've got that one in my head. Different pass.

I need to go somewhere. Yeah, that's genius. That's great. So if you go into the talent office, it's like the wall on Law and Order. Yeah. With pictures of where they sit. Yeah, the first thing I do is go to the photocopier. That's awesome. Yeah, it is hard I do is go to the photocopier. That's awesome.

Yeah, it is hard to learn all those names. I've been working there for years and I really am hopeless. Yeah, yeah. Peter Hellier, is it? Okay, cool. Nice to meet you. It's Hellier, right? It's Hellier.

Yeah, okay. I want to bring up this because the last time that, Will, you were on the show, I brought something up that we've been talking about quite a bit afterwards on Facebook and Twitter and stuff like that. When I work at the ABC, talking about working at TV stations, there's a bakery around the corner called Frank's Bakery. It's a place that I always go to when I work at the ABC, not because of the food itself, but because I'm fascinated with how they don't have any pies.

I go in there. It's a huge bakery. They sell very, very, very little bread. They've got this huge pie oven. And I go in there on purpose at 12 o'clock and go, hey, can I get a pie? And they say nine times out of ten, no, we don't have any pies. And yet they're still in business and Pie Face are fucked. That's the secret.

That's what Pie Face should be doing is stop selling pies. Stop selling pies. Yeah, and you won't be going into liquidation. Do they not have pies because they've sold out or do they not have pies because they don't make them? This is the secret. That's what Pie Face should be doing, just stop selling pies. Stop selling pies. Yeah, and you won't be going into liquidation. Do they not have pies because they've sold out? Or do they not have pies because they don't make them? This is the mystery. No, they make pies, right? Yeah, they make pies at some stage.

At some stage during the day. They make one or two. But not around lunchtime. But they never have them at midday. No, no, no. Not at lunchtime. Who'd want a pie in the middle of the day? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What sort of an idiot? Yeah. It's like the golden ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It's sort of like, oh, you've got to go in a hundred times to get a sniff of even one. Is there a chance that it is like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the pie is hidden inside something else? Yeah, yeah. You just have to buy enough Pavlovas or something.

It's not hidden inside the shop, that's for sure. So I went in yesterday and so every time I go, every time I work at the ABC, every time I go in there, like I'll be walking with i'll i'll have ordered a pizza down the road or i'll get some other sort of sandwich or something but we walk past and i'll go in and they'll go why you've already got your lunch i'm like oh it's this thing where i sort of in my brain i have to go in and ask for a pie and look don't worry there won't be any so i'll just go in ask for a pie that'll tick me tickle me a little bit and then i'll walk back out again so anyway i haven't worked the abc for a little bit The other day

I went I was driving past And I went You know what I have to stop It's my Frank's Bakery OCD And I have to stop

So it's 9.30 in the morning And I go in and say Look I know it's pretty early But Can I Can I have a pie Have you got a pie

And they go Oh As if we're going to have a pie. And I'm like, oh, it's too early. He's like, no, I'm going on holidays in a week. So I didn't bother ordering in any pies for all this week. Fair enough. As if.

Yeah, as if. The word's as if. You don't know I'm going on holidays this week? Yeah. You need to relax for the week before you go on that holiday. What's he going to leave a cupboard full of stock there while he's on holidays? But even to just get ready and a week early to be selling no pies.

He's warming up to not sell any pies by not selling any pies a week before he goes on holiday. But it sounds like he was well and truly preparing to not sell pies right across the year. Yeah, yeah. That's his specialty. I've really got to have a break from this not selling pies to not sell some pies.

What does he do on his holidays? Just sells pies. He actually sells pies. Goes to Bali, gets a heap of cheap pies, and just walks along the beach selling pies. That's how he relaxes. And then he goes to Adelaide and he gets a job in one of the 24-hour bakeries so he can just be selling them around the car.

Matt just fucking loves putting peas on top of stuff. I'm not selling a pie here where no one's putting peas on top of it. That'd be amazing because we should

start talking about that now but you've just come back from Bali from your wedding but when you go to those places and there's people that sell food along the

beach, that's what should happen in Australia. Pies on the beach. Pies on the beach. Remember when we used to have, I mean certainly we had it in South Australia,

you would get pies at the footy, the bloke with the pie thing around his neck. Hot pies. Walking around, the hot pies. Hot pies. Hot pies. Which was fucking great. And there should be more of that.

I did not want a hot pie. From our impressions, the Adelaide guy seemed a bit more flamboyant than the Victorian guy. Let's put on a pie show everyone I would not want a hot pie on the beach That's not something I would ever want In the hot sun A pie

No Yeah I think a pie is something I always say yes to Like a sausage Well we haven't told this on the show yet I've mentioned it on stage But you and me when we were in Pie Face a couple weeks ago And we had a great dealing with the guy behind the counter.

We were there at like midnight. This could be the guy that shut down Pie Face, to be fair, what he said. We were there at like midnight and we've ordered a couple of pies. Which Pie Face? The one on the corner of Bourke Street and Exhibition Street. Oh, yeah. Okay. Got it.

Got it. Don't know why that was. No, I'd like to know because I've got a Pie Face story as well. So I just wanted to see if it was the same Pie Face. The same guy, yeah. It's one of the few that's still going. So I don't know whether they're – are there rogue Pie Faces going? Because, you know, I thought they were done.

I thought they were finished. But that one's still going. As someone who, you know, formerly worked as an accountant in insolvency, what would have happened is that the company would have gone – No, no, I think I know better. I'll take this one. The company would have gone into liquidation and they would have

sold off some franchises still so whoever wants to still operate a franchise will be able to so Frank's a massive chance of buying one

maybe he's broke but still trading I hope it gets to that point where there's just that one lone survivor like the one guy

who still has the Pete's heart you know the one guy who still has his own private Ollie's Trollies. Yes! That's a reference for you, Carl. Thank you.

Thank you. And that one guy who still flies an Ansett plane. I remember the sad day when I found out, a sad day in my childhood where I got a hint that Ollie's Trollies was going to be no more when I was eating in Ollie's Trolley's and I got all my food in a KFC bucket. What's going on here? And they're like, okay, I'll sit down. I've got some bad news for you. Well, they know you by name.

I was the only guy that went there. But that idea, there's something quite beautiful about a franchise, you know, shutting down to the point where there's just one of them left because that's how they all start. You know what I mean? It's like you taste the dream and then you come back down and you're just back in your original store again. Well, it's like when you go to Seattle, you know,

they have the original Starbucks. Yeah. And it's really weird to go into what was – oh, yeah, right. This was just a coffee shop. Yeah. Like there was a coffee shop at some stage that got really successful and then they franchised it into what we consider to be Starbucks that we see all around the world.

But at some stage, they just opened a coffee shop. It wasn't like – and so I do find that quite interesting. And I love the holdout. I just like the idea that there is someone like, you know, the Japanese soldier in the war that hasn't realised the war's over. Like didn't get the fax from Ollie's Trolley's headquarters and has just kept going. Like it is out there somewhere.

Yeah, but at some stage truck the trucks have stopped delivering and they've just gone all right well i'll take it from here i guess and just start walking around the neighborhood looking for chicken oh yeah i like to think it's out in the bush like it's like it's a bit off like yeah and so they only get like you know letters in every occasion and it's like it's probably on the drive from it's in the middle of the desert if you're driving to perth across the desert right and he's just running he's all his trolleys out there and it's all just roadkill and kangaroo, but he's still keeping it going. Well, I mean, I know I've said this on the show a little while back,

but that was that little thing where I was fascinated for a while. In Maribor, there was a big rumour there was a Domino's pizza there for about three weeks and then it closed. And the rumour that it closed was because it wasn't a licensed Domino's and someone found out about it. They just started up a Domino's shop and then people were going. Hang on, is this meant to have an E in the end? I didn't say you smell Domino's.

That's not the right amount of dots on it either. Double M. You know the story of, you know, Burger King Is Burger King all around the world Except it's Hungry Jack Well now it's both In some There's a Anyway but let's go on

Yeah yeah Well there was There was some for a while And then the guy sued And got a heap of money Anyway what happened Is Burger King came in And there was one guy

In Melbourne Had a Burger King store And they said Well buy the name off you And he asked for Fucking heaps of money And they said Negotiated for a while

And then they said Ah fuck you We'll call it Hungry Jack's. Yeah. So, which is why it's Hungry Jack's here in Australia and it's Burger King

everywhere else in the world but this guy could have sold it for a lot of money. Yeah. That's the guy I'd love to find and see how his Burger King store's doing.

Yeah, great. In fact, if anyone knows the original Burger King store here in Melbourne, where it is, that would be great to know. I mean, I'd like to know about that whole

burger royal family. But yeah, yeah. That's a great... I mean, I'd like to know about that whole burger royal family. But yeah, some rogue Burger Kings opened up and then the Hungry Jacks... Like two blocks away from each other,

I remember. Yeah, they sued and they actually got a lot of money for it. Oh, is that right? Because I know in the old days the only time you could get

that it wasn't Hungry Jacks was at the International Airport. Exactly, yeah. International Waters. It used to be. Yes. Yeah the International Airport? Exactly, yeah. It used to be. Yeah. I remember, yeah.

We don't want to freak out the tourists. The rule of law no longer applies. I remember going on a burger crawl between the two, between Burger King and Hungry Jack's, because I was like, I just want to see if there's a difference or not. There wasn't a difference, but I did get different references. Thank God we finally got an opportunity to talk about fast food on this podcast., I just want to see if there's a difference or not. There wasn't a difference, but I did get different Thank God we finally got an opportunity to talk about fast food

on this podcast. Can I just very belatedly bring this up on behalf of myself and anyone else listening who's my age. What is Ollie's Trollies? I would say as a South Australian, I'm going to ask that question as well. It was a Shirley Strawn fronted He was the face of Ollie.

He was the lead singer of Skyhooks. What's Shirley Strawn? You'll have to explain all of this. And by the lead singer of Skyhooks. Okay, right. That's a fairly strong one. Yeah, sure. You'll have to explain all of this. Yeah. And by the way, when we're on a roll, he wants to know who Leonard Copeland and Andrew Gayson are. Because you seem to talk about them a lot.

Carl, citation needed, Chandler. Right. And Ellie Oop goes like this. Oh, he's acting it out. That's cool. Ollie's Trolley's was, it was like, there was McDonald's, KFC, and then I think Ollie's Trolley's was below that. Right.

It was a- Chicken store. Yeah, it was a chicken store. In like a tram. Yeah, yeah, in a tram. That was the trolley. Yeah. How did this go out of business?

This sounds incredible. Yeah, well, it was my favourite fast food store in Bendigo. So Shirley Strawn was the face on the ads and he was the lead singer of Skyhooks. Skyhooks. Yes, and Shirl's Neighbourhood, a great childhood show of mine with Claude Ducroix. You probably know that reference.

Yeah, that's the one reference I do know for some weird reason. I used to have a great beach towel because he used to be very negative. Claude Ducroix was very negative about everything and I had a beach towel that said, with Claude Ducroix negative about everything and I had a beach towel that said Claude the Crow with him. This explains a lot. This is like

when Batman gets attacked by the bats in Batman Begins and you're like oh that's why he became who he is. Yeah I thought it was more like

the bit in Now that this crow shit is coming up this fucking foul mouth negative crow that Carl idolised as a child.

I thought it was more like the bit in The Dark Knight where the Joker goes I used to have a great beach town. The beach town was called The Crow and him saying I hate the beach. Classic Chandler. And you're taking it down there and you line it out on the sand and going

cop this. Cop this nature. Me and Claude have got a message for you. You're right. That crow as we're piecing together the character of Carl Chandler and the other one that I think has kind of set you on the path to being who you are today. The story where, what was it, you saw Rolf Harris. I think if you listen to every episode of Dumb Dumb there's

about 17 origin stories for Carl Chandler by the way. No, the big one for me is you met Rolf Harris. I think if you listen to every episode of Dumb Dumb, there's about 17 origin stories for Carl Chandler, by the way. No, the big one for me is you met Rolf Harris at a train station and you asked him for an autograph and he told you to go fuck yourself. To me, that's the one that set you apart. Look, to be honest, if you've met Rolf Harris and he's told you to go fuck yourself, you've dodged a bullet. Yeah, definitely. Well, I would replace bullet with another word, but anyway.

That's the nicest thing Rolf Harris can say to you because the other option ends up in court later on. Oh, God bless you, but anyway. That's the nicest thing Rob Harris can say to you because the other option ends up in court later on. Oh, God bless you, Mr Harris. Thank you. So did he actually use the words go fuck yourself? No, no, no. There's a bit of creative license there. He said, I was like five or six years old

and I drew something and I wanted him to sign it and he went, no, mate, I've got a sore arm. And that was it. He came to Maribor. He was at the Maribor train station. He came all the way to Maribor. Yeah. Maribor.

Maribor. Yeah, Maribor. You've got it. You've got it. The more people I talk to. I've been to the Domino's there. Yeah. The more people I talk to, I like it because a lot of people that don't know Maribor will

say, oh, Maryborough. But the more people that talk to me go, oh, you have to pronounce it like a fuck, like fucked, like that. Maribor. Maribor. Maribor. Maribor. Maribor. So many syllables. You know, I grew up near, I'm like a fuck, like that. Muba. Muba. There's so many syllables.

You know, I grew up near, I'm from a town called Pibinga, and right nearby is another equally small town called Meribah. Oh, really? Meribah. Meribah. Spelled M-E-R-I-B-A-H. Yeah, that's how we spell it. Meribah.

Welcome to a podcast about places that sound almost the same. Well, while we're on the topic then, so I grew up in Pbinga. Surrounding towns include Peruna, Pinaroo and Perilla. Oh. In the same area. In the same, oh, within like 40 kilometres. Right. Of the country, yeah.

This would be handy if people look at stuff alphabetically. Yeah. There's a lot of family reunions that have gone haywire because people have gone to the wrong town. No, South Australia is actually constructed alphabetically. We're in the P section. That's an easy road trip, though. We're going through C at the moment.

It starts numerically as well. It's a really great area to live because it's near the queues and it's actually not that many. What was the drawing that you'd done? Do you remember? Was it you naked? No. It wasn't me naked.

No, no. It was Cal masturbating over a wobble board. I couldn't believe it. At age five. He would have been alive at that, like his fingers on top of a British paint can. Yeah, yes. And why was his arm sore?

That's the other question. Well, yeah, right. Very good question. You could have cracked that case open 30 years earlier Yeah when I was five I could have sleuthed that right open So yeah Ollie's Trollies

We've gotten to the bottom of that That was a chicken shop Chicken shop Yep Okay So back to Pie Face Back to Pie Face Oh yeah

So something happened at the Pie Face Yeah So we were in there at like midnight And we had gotten these two pies And the guy serving us You know it's just like What pies? they're all really small. What pies were they?

Were they full-size pies? They were full-size pies, yeah. Sauce? I actually didn't get one. You got one. No sauce? I just got a water. And what sort of pie? I usually go the beef curry. Oh, I like a beef curry. That's a controversial late-night snack, though. Beef curry?

I've got a dog's gut, so I can eat anything. That's, yeah. But you know the, I mean... beef curry. That's a controversial late night snack though, beef curry. I've got a dog's gut so I can eat anything. But you know the – Part crow, part dog. All attitude. Great beach towel. The curry's a very popular late night dish in the UK. Yes. Indian curry late at night.

That's like our kebab. It's standard procedure. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Exactly. So late night. So we've got quite an interesting character that works at Pie Face. Yeah, and because Pie Faces are all very small,

they're all kind of pretty narrow shop fronts. And so the guy just sort of gets talking to us and he goes, tell you what, guys, some pretty wild stuff happens in this shop at night. And we're like, oh, yeah, like what, you sell some pies? And he goes, man, girls come in, they get a pie, and they just want to go fuck out the back of the shop. I'm telling you, it just happens all the time. And we're like, okay.

Are they getting the special Cosby pie? What exactly are you injecting in that pie? Yeah. And this is like the first thing he's saying to us. He's like, check out the back. And you're looking at the back and there's just like two tables with garbage all over it. You're going, what's tempting about this? And he's like – check out the back. And you're looking at the back and there's just like two tables with garbage all over it. You're going, what's tempting about this?

And he's like – How does it happen? Do they just put the hard word on him or does he – did he explain what like the process was? I think he was saying like – Well, I go – I think I said to him at some stage, what? Oh, you just chuck in a sausage roll and you can take your pick of any of the women in Melbourne. He's like, it's a bit like that. Then he's like, no, I don't do it though. I don't have sex with any of them because like Melbourne? He's like, it's a bit like that. Then he's like, no, I don't do it though.

I don't have sex with any of them. Because like what if it's like a scam and I'm out the back having sex with them and then like their mate comes and like robs the register? That's exactly what it would be. That's why. Because no one's like, oh, I'm in pie face and I've got the words pie and face in my head so I want to put my pie on his face. It does not happen, Tiger.

But it's sort of like you go, look, there's a lot of reasons to not just fuck customers that come into your shop. That's probably pretty low down on the list, but at least you're heating it and not doing it. But he was like saying, oh, I haven't fucked any of them, but oh, yeah, I'm made out with a bunch of them. Yeah, that's it. He's telling us he just makes out with them out of the front of the shop.

They can't steal the register if I've only got my tongue down their throat. If my pants are off they're a chance of scamming the whole place. And we're losing it because this is like and he's being so kind of just

How old is this dude? Just approximately. I think he told us actually. Like 20s, early 30s. Oh okay. And is he good looking, Kat? He had a bit of charisma. He had us.

Yeah. Like we were I did want to YouTube fuck him out the back. Yeah and Carl took money out of the register. That's how we bought all this equipment. Is it in exchange when he's pashing on or whatever?

Is it in exchange for free pie? Free pie. Maybe that's why they're going out of business. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, this is it. So then we kind of didn't talk to him for like five minutes. We finished eating and then as we're leaving we're like, anyway, see you, mate.

Thanks for the chat. Good luck with everything. And he just kind of wistfully looking off into the distance he goes man the shit some girls will do for a free pie well there's the name of his festival show all right yeah you know have you ever been in a cab where a cab driver has made similar claims yes i constantly i ask – I ask. Yeah, they're the three questions. They're the three questions. What's the longest fare you've ever had? Have a good night.

Oh, what time do you finish? What time do you finish and have you ever had sex in a cab? Right. So I don't normally ask that question but often cab drivers will offer it up. Offer the information anyway. I'd love to know how true that is. Yeah. Of people exchanging, you know, favours for fares.

Maybe that's why that show Taxi Cab Confessions didn't last that long because they thought – Because people kept sucking off Charlie. Oh, no, that was the other one. That was Cash Cab. Hang on, that was the other show where people sucked off Charlie? You only got the title wrong. But do you reckon that was based on like, you know,

a producer having a cab driver friend and being like, yeah, wild stuff happens in these cabs. We've got to film it. And then they've lasted one season and it's like, this was all made up. Nothing's happening in these cabs. Yeah, this is the letters to Penthouse. Yeah.

I guess they've got to, they have to agree to let it be shown. So if they start rooting the cab driver, they're going to say, and he goes, oh, by the way, it's being filmed. Signing a release form is a bit of foreplay. They're probably not going to approve that. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that would be amazing if they did. It would be. Which, by the way, on the border security TV show, surely those people have to approve. Yeah. Why the fuck do they approve them being caught with live lizards

and drugs and shit in their bags? Why do they agree to that? I don't understand that. Let me walk you through this, Anthony. Why do you think they would agree to it? Well, I think a part of them wants to be famous, but they're being caught. And also, let me walk you through it further.

Why else do you think that they would agree to it? Look, I'm assuming they're getting paid. They're getting paid and they get their legal fees and stuff sorted. Oh, okay. So they get assistance with processing the problems that they have. I thought for a second you were going to say, the police go, we'll whack six months off your sentence if we can use this on Channel 7.

Yeah, you get the old, look, our prisons are full, but our television audiences are not. Right. We've got to have something after the tennis, so if you can help out. If you're a confused old Chinese lady who doesn't understand that you can't bring your traditional medicines into our country, then have we got a deal for you. That's my favourite.

It's just like when they find someone, and it's no drugs, but there's just like something weird. There's just like bags and bags of feathers, and it's like this isn't technically wrong but why? What's this for? I was staying at the W Hotel in New York and I was talking to like one of the, I guess like a bellhopper, the porter, the guy who brings your bag, you know, up to the room, right?

And we were just having a general chit-chat like your taxi cab sort of thing. So you sucked him off in the lift? Yes. I said, him off in the lift? Yes. I said, how much is the tip? You tell me. It's in your mouth. About an inch and a half. So I – no, this is what had happened.

He'd had to go And get something Out of my room I checked out And I'd left something In my room So we were talking About things That got left in rooms

And I said What was the strangest thing That got left in the room That's why it came up And he said This guy The weirdest thing They ever found was

An entire suitcase Like a normal sized suitcase But the only thing That was in it Was pornography So there was like DVDs and magazines And whatever But it didn't look like It was for sale It was all like DVDs and magazines and whatever. But it didn't

look like it was for sale. It was all like opened and like whatever. And they just could not fucking work out why some dude was travelling with a suitcase. That was the one from Pulp Fiction. There was just lots of golden showers in there.

It all makes sense now. Chugs, chugs, chugs. No wonder Marcellus Wallace was so keen to get it back. Jesus. How long ago was that story? Well, this is the thing. The guy said to me, he goes, we've got internet. Yeah, right.

So it wasn't like, you know, pre-internet. I don't know if – so I had a couple of theories, which was like the first one was that maybe it was all his pornography from his house and he had someone like his mum or whatever staying at his house and he didn't want to have to like hide it. Like maybe there was nowhere to hide it. So he's just like, fuck, you know what? It's just easier. Didn't want to do a traditional style, hide it up the bush.

So he just took it with him. Yeah, yeah. Because some fucking teenagers might go and find it. Yes, exactly. And then they, yeah, it's their greatest day ever, man, because they found a suitcase full of pornography. But for him, you know. But the other one was like, I was like, well, maybe like he just like,

these are his like favourite, like, you know, it's like he's taking his girlfriends on a holiday. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Maybe he's like, girls, you've been so good to me this year. I'll go, let's go on a trip. You know what? It's been nice to masturbate to you in Cleveland.

But how about we do it and we can also see Times Square? Yeah, yeah. Let's get room service and do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but here's my big question because there's a lot of preparation in that in putting it in the suitcase and bringing it along. And that's, you know, those theories all make sense. Except.

But then leaving it behind. Why would you leave it? How can you be that lax at the end of that to leave it behind? I absolutely agree with you with that. I was like, that seemed to be the bit. I was like, well, surely if you loved it that much. Yeah. Maybe he was trying to get rid of it.

So maybe that's part of it. Maybe he was trying to get rid of it because it might look weird chucking it in a bin or something. You can just leave it in a fucking hotel and let them deal with it. It's that problem. But they know it was you. They have your details. They have your name. I know, but they're probably – if they ring you, you can just say, oh, I don't want it.

Imagine the hotel, the guy at the hotel whose job it is to call up. And you're just sitting there. I'm throwing it away for someone. Oh, yeah, right, mate. Or just like they ring you up. Okay, let's role play this. I'm going to be from the hotel. You're the guy.

I'm the guy with the porn. Okay. I'll play the porno. All right. So, hello, Mr. Leh hotel. Okay. You're the guy. I'm the guy with the porn. Okay. I'll play the porno. All right. So, hello, Mr. Lehman. Hello. Yeah, it's Will here from the W Hotel in New York City. G'day, mate.

Thanks so much for staying with us. We hope you had a really pleasant stay. No, it was great. Love the W. You seem to have left something in your hotel room. Ooh. What's the... It's a suitcase.

Oh. Did you's a suitcase. Oh. Did you leave a suitcase? Would you need us to forward the suitcase to you? Look, it rings a bell. Nah. Are you sure? It's a giant suitcase. It seems to be very heavy.

Would you like us to check inside and see... No. It's mostly... No, no. I'll finish with most of that stuff. Feel free. Give it to the Salvos. All right, well, we hope to see you again soon.

Give it to the Salvos. Is that going to be like a food van on a Monday night? We'll crack open the porno van on a Tuesday night for the homeless. We've run out of soup, but here we go, fellas. Quick thing, if I was the manager, if I was doing your role just then, before I got into any suitcase gear, I would have asked the question, just before we go any further, am I on speakerphone at the moment? Because you might want to switch this over to the handset.

Are you at work? Are you on hands-free? And now, and Tommy, for your sake, because you probably got confused. Yes, what is porno? You probably got confused. You probably got confused when I said to Will how long ago this was and you probably thought to yourself, well, I don't understand why that's relevant.

There was a time before the internet when, and Will can probably remember this and I can definitely remember this, if you wanted porn, what you had to do was put on a fucking trench coat and a hat and sunglasses. And climb on someone else's shoulders. And pull the collars up. And you had to wait across the road from a shop that sold porn until no one was in the fucking street

and then you'd sprint through the front door, grab the first thing you could, paper it, leave your change and just run the fuck out of there and get home and hope that what you got was okay. That's interesting that you say that because I actually, by coincidence, I didn't know any of that, but I do put a trench coat and a hat on before I sit down at my computer and load up porno.

That's just how I like to watch it. You've got a trench coat and a hat on before I sit down at my computer and load up porno. That's just how I like to watch it. You've got a thing about being Inspector Gadget before you can whack off. Inspector Gadget before you're Inspector Gadget. Podcasting is fun. Alright guys, save her the project. I used to have a great beach towel. I'm lying down on my bed.

So no, under 15s, this is why it's important. It was an under 15s footy trip. There's a thing they do called School Boys Football and it's a statewide competition. They have a big tournament up in Melbourne. Teal Cup? Was it Teal Cup? Teal Cup's the under 17s. But it's the exact same thing.

That's what it is. We had a guy actually playing in our team who was playing not only in the under-15s team, but in the Teal Cup team. He was considered to be the greatest junior footballer that ever played the game. He was a number one draft choice, and he played about 50 games. His name was Anthony Bannock. Oh, yes. Number one pick.

He was the number one pick in the first national draft, wasn't he? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, absolutely. So he was the captain of our team. And Maka, who looked like a – the reason he was so good as a junior and the reason he played pretty well at the start of his AFL career but couldn't go on was he was one of those guys who was a man when he was 15. And then, unfortunately, everybody else catches up.

But he used to monster kids in this thing. But it also helped that he could get us into – so we're on this footy trip in Melbourne. So we all go to whatever that urban camp are you on urban camp is that what it's called they'll put up like uh like i remember we would go uh from primary school and get put up in a certain camp that was out near the zoo oh it was set up for like uh school kids and stuff like that you know what maybe? Maybe we worked somewhere near there. It was certainly that area of town anyway. But we went to, we all went as a team to,

and it's still there. I don't know what the name of it is, like Crazy Horse or Club X or whatever. It's the one down by the street station down where the McDonald's and stuff all is down there. But all of us, like 20 of us went to this adult cinema together, right? But we were all wearing our under-15 schoolboys.

It's fair to say the standards of check-in back then weren't like... Well, I got billeted out in Adelaide. So I got picked in the Riverland under-15 football team and we went down to Adelaide and West Adelaide was our SNFL side. So we got billeted out to families whose sons were playing for the West Adelaide under-15 team. And I'm 14. I get this guy.

I go back to his house and we walk in. How are you going? I meet his parents and everything and he had another brother there. Anyway, we have dinner and then we sit down after dinner and they put on a fucking porno. Like full porn. Hang on. With the dad. I'm not shitting you. With the dad and the guy who was the same age as me and the other brother.

Right. And we all sit down and watch a fucking porno. How many people are in the room? There's the dad, the two brothers and me. Right? Now, I recently spoke to someone about this. And they reckon that's a grooming fucking method. Wow.

Yeah. But anyway, which I'd never – You know what? That sounds like that. Yeah. I don't know what else it is. I can't think of any good explanation for that. We all sat there and watched the first night.

We were watching full fucking porn. And I remember being uncomfortable but also being quite interested. Being very comfortable. All right. But it was fucking strange. That's the interesting thing about how fucked up. I mean, I don't know if you saw that story this week about the Tinder trap. You know, those guys online who've been – basically they noticed on Tinder

these Melbourne sort of young kind of almost vigilantes, but I don't think they wanted to be vigilantes, but they got themselves in a bit of trouble almost. But basically they noticed on Tinder that, you know know there was a lot of underage people on there and that older people could actually match with them because you can sit your anyway there was something so they did this experiment where they set up this thing that said it was 18 but underneath it said facebook says my thing's 18 but i'm really 15 and like all these men who would still match with her and like flirt with her and then they filmed these guys coming over and like the thing that i mean all of it's creepy it's all fucking creepy like i how many responses they got

and men who like when she said i'm 15 were like just fine with it yeah like straight away like lots not just like you know the small percentage we'd all hope it would be like because i think we'd all think okay there's going to be some fucking perverts but there was like lots yeah some of the ones that they filmed like the the weirdest thing of all is these dudes literally barely even wait after they get in the door you know they sit on the couch straight into it yeah and they're just straight into it and i'm like oh and the girls in the thing would also make a point of fessing up of saying i'm actually 15 just just so you know yeah so they're all so they know they're right across the person's actual age by the way and by the way, each of them does.

If you ever want a sign of like – because I've said this before. A, that, you know, we should be able to check people who look like pedophiles to see if they're pedophiles. Because if you look like a pedophile and dress like a pedophile, like we should – because every pedophile ends up being someone who looks like a pedophile and dresses like a pedophile. Right. We should be able to go up to people who look like pedophiles.

I know this is profiling, but I'm not for racial profiling, but I'm for pedophile profiling. Will, I fit both those descriptions. I'm not happy about this. I would be locked up within a day of this coming into effect. You would be, but you'd learn a lesson, which is stop looking like a pedophile. 80% of that is genetic. I can't do anything about it

yeah okay because well if that was a rule in what year would Jimmy Savile have been well we would have

stopped a lot of pain that's what I'm saying we could have got Savile in we could have got Rolf Harris in I'm going to say we might have even fingered the fucking dad

from 7th Heaven I mean not we wouldn't have actually fingered it. Well, maybe we would have. Who knows what happens in prison to pedophiles? But Jimmy Savile's the biggest. I look at Jimmy Savile and I think, come on. Come on? Really? How the fuck is that a surprise to anyone?

Look at the guy. If you were playing scattergories and someone said the word was pedophile and I had to draw it, even if you'd never seen a picture of Jimmy Savile, if you'd just now come out of the jungle and as part of your rehabilitation process they're teaching you Scattergreece and they say pedophile, you would draw an exact drawing of Jimmy Savile. Which is a sweet chapter one in your rehab coming out of the jungle.

Let's draw a pedophile. Well, they're teaching you about the dangers of the world. You haven't had to deal with pedophiles. You've mastered gorillas, but now we'll get onto this. You might be able to fight off a bear. What percentage of people listening do you think when we were describing a chicken shop in Bendigo were going, I reckon they'll be

talking about pedophilia within 20 minutes of this let's get off it quickly so back into we were talking about like finding pornography the best combo of finding pornography

and something else I ever heard of was my friends when they first moved to Melbourne they moved into Carlton they moved into Pigden Street Carlton

oh my god I used to live in Pigden Street Carlton oh no this could get dangerous. Well, let's wait to see what – yeah. Let's find out what the number was. So they found – they went out the back and they found a dumped big garbage bag full of pornography in a laneway and free tickets to Hey Hey It's Saturday.

Fuck, that could have been my stuff. Wow. That sounds like Russell Gilbert's to me. Or Ozzy. Hey, Mr. Sammers. Oh, now that is a sweet combo. Oh, my God. And then they went,

I think I may have told this story on the show before, but they then decided to use both things they found. They grabbed all the porn and they used the tickets to Hey! at Saturday and went along to Hey! at Saturday, but then got ripped off their guts. I have told that story. No, tell it again. That's good.

They got ripped off their guts, then went along to Hey! at Saturday and then sat in the audience and just happened to be seated right in the, what do you call it? You're on camera. You're in the audience and just happened to be seated right in the, like the, what do you call it? Like you're on camera, you're in the galley. The audience. So they're in the front row or they're in the? No, and you know where they split it in half? Sort of what do you call that bit?

The aisle? The aisle, yeah, on the side of the aisle. Fucking hell. Yeah, I don't know. I thought it was some technical TV. No, no. Keep working hard, Mel. You'll get there.

They didn't have aisles in the jungle. So they sat right on the aisle where Russell Gilbert was and where the camera was going to be on the whole time. And so Russell was just like, he's going, ah, he's in the breaks going, hey, boys, where are you guys from? And they're like, Maribor. He's like, oh, I've been to Maribor. Yeah, that was all right.

That's an all right place. I'll talk to you boys all the time. So every time they cut to Russell, he'd be next to my friends who are off their guts. And so they're just looking like the biggest freaks of all time. And my friend, one of my good friends, was so out of his mind that he didn't understand that he was on TV. So he was looking up at the TV monitors and seeing himself and looking at the monitors. And you can watch him back on the tape. He's looking at the monitors and you can watch him back on the tape.

He's looking at the monitors and not understanding whether that's him or not. So he tried to prove it to himself that that was him. And so he started tapping himself on the shoulders going, ooh, ooh. So whenever from now on, 20 years later, we still, we went to his wedding and we took photos tapping ourselves on the shoulders. I've also got to be honest with you, like as someone who did Hey Hey Saturday a couple of times,

that still would have put them a fair way in front of most of the audience who watched. They still would have been the Rhodes Scholars. The dream of the cross. Yeah, then with a big sack of porn next to them, next to Russell Gilbert. Oh, they bought their own prizes. So, hey, Limo, so you just got married.

Yes. I did. Got married in Bali. Yes. And Will was there, so you had a... I was there. Will was there. I was the first person in history to take gastro to Bali.

Oh, awesome. Yeah, I got... Kel and I got gastro here and flew to Bali with gastro. Yeah. Typical bloody Aussies don't even like the Balinese gastro now. We're packing our own. Levi's up at the airport

with a boogie board bag full of diarrhea. So we're loading up on gastro stop at the airport here to fly out. Yeah, so we went there and the wedding, it was great. We had, instead of traditional speeches, we had open mic. Right. Which was funny because Adam Rosenbach was MC, so he did some stuff.

Hammo was a groomsman, so he said a few things. And then a whole bunch of family members. Was there any politics about who was going to be MC? Because with so many comics there, was anyone thinking they should have been asked or wanting to do it? Well, this was the politics with MC. I asked Rosie about two weeks before the wedding. We were down at the pub and I said,

oh, mate, do you want to MC? Kellan, I would love you to MC the wedding. And he went, ah. mate, do you want to MC? Kellan, I would love you to MC the wedding. And he went, ah, really? What time are the full melodies going to finish? I want to get really pissed. I said, mate, you can get blind. It doesn't matter. Because MC really is, it's kind of a pain in the ass.

It's a thankless job. But he was great. So then a whole bunch of family and friends. And then it was more into the open mic section. So Will gets up. Will goes, well, I'll speak. So Will gets up. And it was funny, before that, Husey had gone, no, I'm not getting up.

I'm not getting up. I don't want to say anything. Anyway, Will gets up, makes a lovely speech. It's really funny. And then Husey. I mean, I did open by saying, look, I normally headline. But in the unpaid spots, I'm happy to. Will is in the area.

He's just popped in tonight. Look, I'm happy to do it, Limo, but you can't mention me on the post. Guys, Limo's wedding, we generally get pretty big drop-ins this time of year, and tonight is not a good time. Come back next week for Limo's next wedding. Who knows who's going to turn up? So Will speaks. He says some really lovely things, really funny.

So then Hughsey goes, ah! So then Hughsey gets up because he just can't miss a moment, right? So he begrudgingly says some nice things. Whenever Hughsey says something nice, watch it. It's almost through gritted teeth. It's really, it makes him, it hurts him to have to say nice, watch it. It's almost through gritted teeth. It's always... It makes him... It hurts him to have to say nice things about anyone.

I bet he had a beach towel that said, fuck you, beach. Fuck you, beach, with your sand being so close to the water. One day I'm going to own you. All of you. I'm going to own you. All of you. I'm Sandy. So he got up. Then he finished and then Mick Molloy, who wasn't going to get up, goes, no, I have to.

So Molloy gets up. My favourite thing about Molloy, though, because Molloy clearly had not thought it through at all. So Molloy has mistaken the wedding for a fucking Bucks night Because he's just obviously gone I've got to go to my go-to funny stories about Limo But then I just think he just didn't realise That you know what

Some of those stories probably weren't appropriate for a wedding I feel like Malloy would mistake Tuesday for a Bucks night Although ironically the only guy who didn't make it to your Bucks night was Mick Boyce. Exactly. But at the end, a story that like Limo's told many times before, but it was the story about when we went to Falls Festival and like Limo had to go on stage in a comedy when the audience

for the next act were already there. Yep. And so, like, it was a – and so – but it finishes with, like, quite a – like, you know, it's – because Lemo had decided – if I can tell your story for you, but, like, because I was side stage watching all this happen. I was there when it happened. And it was clear what had happened because these people had been so rude

and they'd been throwing things and whatever. So, clearly, Lemo had just gone, I'm going to finish on the most offensive thing that I can possibly say, which I think is great. You know what? Fuck you all. Seize the power. You're going to hate me. Do it.

But it's not a joke that you tell at your wedding. Definitely not a joke you tell at your wedding. Malloy has told the whole story and then tried to hand the microphone off to Limo to tell the joke. Great. It was like the biggest hospital handball of all fucking time. This could be the shortest wedding of all time. And I have said, I'm not telling that joke at my wedding.

Which is even worse because everyone's sort of like, we know it's bad but we want to know the end of the story. We really want to know it now. It's okay. I went and told everyone the joke. So that was Malloy's speech and then Gatesy got up from tripod. Yeah. Did a song in an hour. Got some topics.

Back in an hour. Back in an hour, guys. And Gatesy led the room in a sing-along of Cheap Tricks, If You Want My Love, You Got It, which was fucking great. It was actually really cool. And that was pretty much it. And then I did a little speech at the end. So actually I headlined, as I should, I suppose, my fucking wedding.

Well, you booked it. I did book it. So I'm going to book myself. So that was that but the real headline act came much later in the night when I

the kind of after party was winding up and I said you know what it's my wedding night I'm going to go to bed and so I said my farewells I go up to the

hotel room I walk in Kel is in bed already asleep here we go chuck out those pornos we've got a real story on our hands now. Luckily, I got him a present that was suitcase-shaped.

Tell the full story and then we'll leave this recording in a suitcase in this hotel room. And just leave it up the bush. So Kel's in bed asleep. So I'm kind of getting ready for bed and then the phone rings in the hotel room phone not my mobile hotel room phone

never good news when the hotel room at 1.30 in the morning not at that time of the night which I think is weird right yeah so I answer it

congratulations guys yeah just on behalf of the hotel is it too late to get on at the open mic or it's Hughesy no I really wanted

to headline I really want to go on after you. Yeah, excuse me. Do you want to do any other weddings? Can we do this again tomorrow? Because it's a bit I forgot. So I answer the phone and it's Steph who is the girlfriend of Rosie, the MC.

Adam Rosenbach. And I say, G'day, Steph. What's going on? And she goes, Oh, I'm at the hospital. Adam's had an anaphylactic attack. He's eaten some nuts and it's really serious. He's really sick and I'm freaking out and I don't know what to do. And in my head

I'm thinking, 75 people at the wedding, you call the fucking brood. Surely I should be midway through some nuts being eaten. Surely Kel should be having a bit of an anaphylactic attack right at the moment. Anaphylactic, prophylactic attack, more like it. Yeah.

If there's anything I want to be concentrating on being swollen, it's not Rosie's hair, mate. No, congratulations, mate. She looked beautiful. She looked beautiful in all the photos. She's a lovely lady. That's okay, mate. She looked beautiful. She looked beautiful in all the photos. She's a lovely lady. So I say... That's okay, mate.

They're married. You're meant to do that shit. Don't use the romance of you fucking married. So I say, all right, so she's freaking out because they've taken her aside. So not in front of Rosie. They've taken her aside and said, look, he's having so many issues breathing, we might have to cut a little, do an incision in his throat and put in a... Tracheotomy.

A tracheotomy so he can breathe. Yeah. So she's freaking out. That's what you always want to hear on your holidays after a massive fucking night drinking at a wedding. Oh, by the way, we're in a third world country and we're thinking about doing surgery on his throat. On his throat.

And she says, and they need approval or whatever, and I'm thinking, you've rung the guy with no medical qualifications or experience who's been drinking for 12 hours. Sure. I'll come down and make the decision for you. You worked on a TV show that he wrote on, so you get the power of

state. Let's think through the wedding party. Is there anyone that she would have been better qualified to call? Because I mean, Malloy is worse. Easy to be like, why is Rosie getting all the attention? I've got a

sore throat too. What about Justin Hamilton, the host of Can You Put This Tracheotomy In Please? There were actually two doctors at the wedding. One a psychiatrist, so he could have administered some antipsychotics. Rosie got really angry about it later on. That would have been handy post-holing the neck. And the other one a gynecologist.

So flip him upside down and do the same trick. There we go. Look, the bad news is you've got a hole in your throat. The good news is I can turn it into a delightful vagina. If you want to have a baby through it, I'm your man. And if you could go back up to Limo's suite, it is his wedding night. And anyway, check out Adam Rosenbach's 2015 festival show, Pussy Neck.

Pussy Neck. Deep throat. I stand by that. So, I ring, she says, can you tell Collegia as well?

So, I ring Paul Collegia. You need someone to write some jokes on. Did you get Collegia involved to just punch up five minutes on you? So I go downstairs at the hotel. And there's always sort of slight language barriers when you're overseas. And I say to a cab driver.

Especially when you can't talk because your throat's swollen up. Well, I say to a cab driver, I need to go to the hospital. And he says, what's wrong with you? And I said, there's nothing wrong with me. He said, why do you need to go to the hospital. And he says, what's wrong with you? And I said, there's nothing wrong with me. He said, why do you need to go to the hospital? I said, no, no, my friend. My friend. And he goes, well, where's your friend?

I said, he's in the hospital. Just fucking take me to the hospital. Do you realise you're not driving an ambulance? If a sick person needs to go to the hospital, we put them in an ambulance. What's wrong with you? Big old blue balls at this point, mate. So you get in the cab. If you could rub one out on the way.

I'd really appreciate it. Yeah. You get in the cab. Take me to the hospital. Have you ever had sex in here? What's your longest fare? What time do you knock off the night? Do you mind if I masturbate between here and Northborough?

So we get to the hospital. What's the surcharge when you're jerking in a cab? I wonder, you know. How many bar that you agree before you drink? Because I'm turning the meter off. You're going to haggle it into the fair. I'll pay that price, but I'm masturbating. For a final laugh. Can we haggle it into the fair. I'll pay that price, but I'm masturbating. Can we haggle?

You can do whatever you want in the back of the cab, sir. Those Westerners with their slang. So I get to the hospital and I go in and there's Steph and she's freaking out. And Rosie's kind of, his condition has settled a bit, you know. So we walk in and he's kind of laying sideways on the hospital bed with his sort of… Hang on. So it's just you, isn't it?

Have you woken Kel to tell her what's going on? I never got this part of the story. Oh, yeah. Kel knows I've gone to the hospital. Okay. Because I was going to say that's a weird fucking… Like if she just wakes up to a note. What I would have loved, yeah, is if she was asleep and I got back later.

And she's like, where have you been on our wedding night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, yeah, no if she was asleep and I got back later. And she's like, where have you been? On our wedding night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, yeah, no, she hears you come in. She hears the phone ring. You say nothing and then you just leave again. Fuck this. So, Colleen and I walk in and there's Rosie kind of on his side and his condition's settled a bit but he's still, you know,

got his puffy little dysmorphic head and his swollen throat and he's kind of still trying to breathe a bit. And we, it probably took three or four minutes for us to stop laughing. And we just said, we're just taking the piss out of him. Like, you know, ordering satay sticks. I was joking about putting our nuts in his mouth.

Laughter is the best medicine. It's the only medicine that you guys are qualified to administer. You're dressed up like Mr. Peanut. It was like Clown Doctors. You were your version of Clown Doctors. I'm pretty sure the Clown Doctors Patch Adams or whatever his name is, didn't come in and roast the

kids that were sick. I want to be the Don Rickles clown. Ah, so a little Asian kid, right? All right, Q Balls or your cancer victims or whatever you are. All right, Mr Sheen, Dr Sheen, whatever your name is. I like this guy roasting him and he doesn't even have his references down. Burning him with stuff that he's not even sure of. Oh, my God.

Who does? Oh, stop kidding. Who's that guy, that bald guy? Prime Minister, bald guy, John Howard. Yeah, you fucking John Howard looking idiot. Got him. So we're ripping the piss out of him. We're just kind of hanging out.

And he seems, he's kind of giggling through his. Or gurgling. Gurgling. Gurgling, giggling. Same, same. So we figure he's alright. You're getting something out of him. And we're taking photos. We're Instagramming photos of him in the hospital bed. By the way, I don't know if you guys know this, but there is two delightful towns in South Australia right next

to each other gurgling and giggling. Down in the G District. Yeah, about halfway across the state. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Just before state. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just before H. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Between Hay and Hayfield.

Hey, so how's – In the Gippsland? Oh, yeah. How's Steph, his girlfriend, at this point? When we're there, she's okay. Yeah. She's fine. She's kind of –

She's having a laugh. Because he's kind of through it now, you know what I mean? So she's okay. So we hang around until she's sort of happy and we leave. Two things that kind of stand out to me about this whole thing. One is that Johnny Taranto, who's another guy who was at the wedding, was walking into the after party and Rosie was walking out after he'd eaten the thing with nuts on it,

which is basically a corn chip that looks plain on one side, but if you turn it over, it literally, literally has peanuts fucking glued to it. Glued to it. About six per corn chip. You saw them, didn't you, Will, at the thing, right? So he knew immediately. So he ate it and went, oh, fuck. He ate it.

He grabbed it the wrong way up. It was like a trick for anaphylactics. It was like they're trying to fucking suck you. Yeah. It was like an anaphylactic ninja stuff. Yeah, yeah. Because one side looked really innocent, but if you just like, oh. It was like the crying game of snacks.

Oh, what a twist. Wile E. Coyote was trying to get in. It's both ways you end up with anyway. So he's eaten it. He's known straight away. He's walking out. He bumps into Johnny Taranto. And Johnny says, oh, what are you doing?

And Rosie says, I've just eaten some nuts. I'm having an anaphylactic attack. I'm going to go back to my villa. And Johnny Taranto says, oh, no worries. I'll just head into the after party. Walked in. Just walked in. Left him.

Wow. Oh, great. On his own. Great. Now, people listening might be wondering about EpiPens. He hit himself twice and the EpiPen didn't do anything. Wow. Which is why he rushed to the hospital.

The second thing I want to point out is that I went to, at 1.30 in the morning over the Christmas New Year's break, busiest time of the year in Bali, I went to the emergency ward of a hospital in Kuta and there was no one there. Now, I would have thought that place would be chock full of fucking Aussies from motorbike accidents or fights or drug overdoses, fireworks in the head. Nothing. One man

who ate a half of a chip. That's it. Run off our feet tonight. So, good job Aussies in Bali. So, you took over like, what, 40, 50, 60? We had 75. So, that is not only what, 40, 50, 60 people? We had 75. So that is not only, that's like, to me,

that's a really nice thing about you that so many people were willing to fly overseas to your wedding. But also, were you partly sort of part of the reason why people hate Bali? Because there was just so many Aussies there because of you? Yeah, look, there are a lot of Aussies in Bali. No, you know what I think it was is like, you actually, we didn, there are a lot of Aussies in Bali. You know what I think it was? We didn't really see a lot of

the rest of Bali because when there's that many people the really nice thing about it was because everyone kind of was staying vaguely in the same area but we weren't necessarily all at the same hotel or whatever. So it was kind of like you and all your mates were on some weird progressive party. Yeah, yeah.

Because I said if I told you my story of Rosie from Bali, here's what I saw. I saw Rosie nailing it as the MC. Yeah. We had a few drinks together and had a great time. I went home. And then I saw Rosie the next night by my pool hanging out all night drinking beers because he was better by then.

Right. Like I hadn't seen any of this stuff the night before. And he was like on fire and it's just me and Chainbow and Colleague and Gatesy and Justin and him just round the pool

having shit and then the next day he got barley belly and I didn't see him but I saw him at his best like he was 100% rosy

you were a lucky charm for him if he just stuck with me everything would have been fine I like that idea that all those people

so you guys are just hanging out it's just Limotown it's just a district of Bali now. It's called Limotown. It's just you guys. It was pretty cool. So every day there was some sort of party going on, which was good.

And cricket was on as well. We'd spend a day at some bar, local bar. We went to a local bar and just watched cricket with all the boys one day, which was great. But I'll tell you what, in that heat, you know just that thing, like I went to pay for our drink. We'd just been sitting there for like a session of the cricket really and you go to pay for your drinks and you're like,

did I just have 12 beers? And you're like, because you can because you just, it's so hot. Yeah, exactly. And you don't go to the toilet. You just fucking sweat it out. I find in that weather, I'll go to the toilet like, I drank for nearly 12 hours that day and went to the toilet once. I forgot about that. Yeah, you just don't go yeah just fucking

sweat it out which means you must smell good no wonder she was pretending to be a slut she actually fed Rosie the nuts well I'll put you talking about the Falls Festival before. Let me quickly follow up on something I mentioned last week. I just did those gigs again. Oh, how was Falls? It was actually good. Yeah, they were good this year because, yeah, I was there as well.

Yeah, you were there, I remember, yes. Before your gig. And you actually put it beautifully, Will, after the gig where you, you know, as we said, you were, as the gig went more and more haywire, you were just doing kind of street jokes and whatever. Yeah, yeah. And, Will, you said something to the effect of, like, beautiful technique of, like, don't send your own children in to die.

Right. Just send someone else's kids onto the front lines to get slaughtered. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about that. Fucking you guys run up the front. My kids are up the back. You don't really think they let Prince Harry fly you guys run up the front. My kids are up the back. You don't really think they let Prince Harry fly the planes right up the front. The lady flies the fucking planes, but they send out some people who aren't in the royal family fucking first.

That was one of the first times I'd met you, and that was like one of the best bits of advice you could have got. I got always heard, oh, Will's really great. He'll always give advice to young comedians. I was like, I've just kind of gotten this by osmosis but yeah that is good that is a good thing to keep in my head

Will gives good advice the first thing he says is steal jokes do someone else's gear but only for terrible gigs yeah looking at you when you have a shit gig

which will happen or maybe maybe it was more advice of Tommy that's like don't use your own jokes get a writer is what I'm saying the fucking crow comes out at times I hate the beach but uh it was the gigs were all very fun uh shout out to

a couple of the dum-dum listeners that I met around the place at the different uh sites uh in particular there was a girl at the lawn gig who was sitting right up the front wearing one of our t-shirts which uh was very cool and very nice uh except for at the end the gig went really well i got to the end of the gig and i said thanks for having me guys you know have a safe news and whatever and then i pointed at the girl and i just felt like i should give her some kind of shout out and i said oh and thanks for wearing that and then i walk off and i realize no one else can see this girl so it just looks like it would have sounded as if, you know, there's just some busty girl up the front like,

thanks for wearing that up the front, sweetheart. You've made it a nice New Year's. I'm not sure that it would have sounded like that. I feel like that's more like you projected that onto that. Oh, absolutely. There's nothing about having watched you do stand-up comedy for the last whatever 20 minutes it would have been, right? Yeah.

That, like, you know, that would have made me think, he'll finish by going, and look at your tits. I'm Daslo and I'm out of here. Well, you haven't seen me do stand-up in a little while. Look at those. Oh, they're not little dum-dums. Hey, mates, indeed. Yeah, I'm back to my suitcase of pornography.

If the trolleys are rocking. Let's call it all back. I bet you've got a few pies under that shirt, Frank. I'm a pedophile. Any anaphylactics out there who want a face full of nuts, I'm your man. What do you call a guy who's fucking an underage pie? Piedophile. Hashtag piedophile.

Hashtag pie-tophile. Hashtag pie-face. Well, guys, that is all the time we have on The Little Dumb Dumb Club for this week. Liam O'Neill, thank you so much

for joining us. Hey, thanks. A pleasure. Can I plug something? Is that alright? Yeah. January 19, Sydney Opera House.

It's the final night of the Wiluminati tour and we're doing two shows that night. The first time I've ever played the concert hall at the Sydney Opera House.

Justin's doing support for the shows. The 7 o'clock show is sold first time I've ever played the concert hall at the Sydney Opera House Justin's doing support for the shows the 7 o'clock show is sold out the 9.30 show has tickets available now obviously trying to sell out

two concert halls on a Monday night look you know as it's challenges we wanted to do two shows for the DVD so we've still got it's about half full

the second one at this stage and like if people would like to come it'll be a really great night and it's the last time I'm ever doing this show so it'll be a cool night so I'll be a really great night and it's the last time I'm ever doing this show so it'll be a cool night

so I'd just like to get in and it's cool to be in the room for a DVD recording as well yeah buy the DVD oh I was there when it happened and interesting as well

Will the last time I was in that very venue was with you watching Jerry Lewis oh at the concert hall well I hope it'll be better

and less racist than that oh wow that would be awesome yeah look you know it's great I can say I've seen Jerry Lewis

and one of those moments where we were both because we got to meet him afterwards and we were both so excited before the show that we were going to

meet Jerry Lewis and then after we'd watched the show we were both so nervous about how we wouldn't read it on our faces that it was terrible. Did he go badly?

Was it a bad? No, the crowd loved him. Oh, yeah. Standing ovation when he walked out and they still like so much affection for what he's done.

Yeah. But it was and look, some of it was actually really great still and he showed old clips and talked about them and that but there was some

Motherfuckers 80. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you've got to give him a little bit And look, some of it was actually really great still. And he showed old clips and talked about them and that. But there was some... Motherfucker's 80. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you've got to give him a little bit. But he was still charging 60 bucks a ticket at the concert. Or more. I think it was like 100 or something.

But the crowd were into it. Yeah. Great. Anyway, take that, Jerry Lewis. Yeah. Does he listen? Yeah. Does he listen?

He turns off at the plug, so it's fine. Yeah, he turns off at the plug, so it's fine. He turns off at the plug. Well, I think you can get tickets for my comedy festival show now. Yeah. Limo, get amongst it. So last year it was... Full run? No, I'm just doing Mondays.

Mondays? Just Mondays again, which works for me. So only four chances to go and see Limo's new show in Melbourne? Or three chances? Three. Three Mondays. Yep. Of the comedy festival.

So, yeah, get along at the Town Hall Cloak Room, 7pm, Monday nights. Awesome. And we've got our shows are on sale now. Hopefully both of our shows are on sale now for the comedy festival. The podcast every Sunday during the Melbourne Comedy Festival, as well as season passes, as well as a live one in Brisbane and a live one in Adelaide all that stuff is at littledumbdumbclub.com

that's it if you're in Melbourne I've already been hit up by a heap of people that a lot of great podcasts and comedy fans that are going to come down for a weekend or a week to Melbourne to come and see all their favourite friends of the show and all that sort of stuff so yeah if you can

if you super want to see one of the best shows that we do in the festival, it's the last night of the show and all that sort of stuff. So, yeah, if you super want to see one of the best shows that we do in the festival, it's the last night of the festival. So it's April 19. We do the Drunk Cast. Oh, yeah. Which is absolutely not recorded because it's a little bit Jerry Lewis. You guys should come down if you're free, actually. It's an open invitation to anyone who's around.

Yes. So, anyway, it's... What? It's un open invitation to anyone who's around. Yes. So, anyway, it's... What? It's unrecorded. So, guys, if you want to pick a weekend to come down, that would be a good night to hang around in Melbourne for. Cool. Yeah, do it.

All right, guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.