The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 224 - Claire Hooper & Justin Hamilton

Episode Date: January 20, 2015

Racist Tirades, Bags of Cans and Spanish Hams.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, this is your weekly reminder that we have got live shows coming up all across the country for you. March the 1st, we're in Brisbane doing a live little dum-dum club with guests from the Brisbane Comedy Festival. March 15th, we're in Adelaide doing a live dum-dum club with guests from the Adelaide Fringe Festival. March 29th till April 19th, we've got shows every Sunday night of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival with huge special guests, including the third annual drunk cast on the final night of the festival. You can get single tickets for those or you can get a season pass for cheaper, which gets you into all of those shows. Tickets for those are at littledumbdumbclub.com right now. Also, I am doing my brand-new solo show, Cutie Pie, in Perth from February 3 to 9,

in Brisbane from March 3 to 8, and in Melbourne at the Comedy Festival from March 26 until April 19. Tickets for that and more details are at TommyDassolo.com. So buy a ticket, come on out and say g'day, and we'll see you out there. Bye, mates. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. Hey, so over the summer, we should mention this, we were both on Triple J Breakfast with Nazeem a couple of times without each other, splitting the group up. Now, we, in the past, we've encouraged people to vandalise Wikipedia in the name of both of us. I now have a Wikipedia page that is 90% incorrect. How come I don't have one? Yeah, I don't know. Well, get on it, guys, listening. But anyway, so, you know, there's all this made-up stuff about me on there, which is fine and I find funny because who's ever going to go looking? Like what, comedian? Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, no wonder you don't have a Wikipedia page or shit like that. No, that's the best. So I was in there and, you know, it's kind of, it's a different thing for us. Anytime we do something on radio where people are hearing us who, you know, the podcast is like people who know you already or whatever. So you kind of get put in front of people in a way where clearly hearing me for the first time, looking me up on Wikipedia and going, did this guy really get arrested for racially vilifying a French man on a bus one time?

Which is on there. Yeah, right. There's a thing on there that I earned the nickname Mr. Shit for a profanity-laden tirade at the 2010 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. So I guess this is my plea to kind of back off. Hang on. Did you earn that or was that a review? Well, I earned that review.

So, yeah, now, like, you know, people who've never heard of me before are just going, who is this horrible man on this government-funded radio station? So I guess this is a plea to just kind of back off on the wise-assing. And here's my plea. Amp it up. Amp it up, guys. Get stuck into it and make me a page. Jeez.

How come I'm not being offended at the moment? The only true thing on my Wikipedia page literally is the sentence, he had cancer. That's it. Everything else is made up. That was probably just a lucky guess. That's probably just another insult. He sounds like cancer.

Well, today on the show, two great returning guests. First of all, from the Can You Take This Photo Please podcast, it's Justin Hamilton. Just happy to be somewhere. Yeah. Anything on your Wikipedia that you would like taken off? Ah, I actually haven't looked in ages, actually. You know, the first time I ever found out that I had a Wikipedia page was

about six or seven years ago. Someone said, oh, you've got a Wikipedia page. Early on. And, you know, back in the heyday of MySpace. And I had a look and it was really nice. So whoever put it up, it was some really great stuff. And then about three days later, hanging out with a good friend of mine, they mentioned Wikipedia. I said, oh, I've got a page. They said, oh, let's go and have a look at it when you get home. And when we got home, someone had just fucking laid some truth bombs and had devastated me, just had these massive cracks.

Oh, really? Yeah, and you know when you're not expecting it, like you'd already seen it, it's like, oh, this is good, and then it was that thing of, oh, that's right, you don't look up your name on the internet. Don't look up your name on the internet. Because that's actually kind of a better way of getting at someone than a bad review or a blog post.

Vandalise their Wikipedia page with your negative opinion of them because they are going to go looking for it and they will definitely find it. But I would have been fine if the first time I'd read it, it said something negative but they had suckered me in with something that was really nice and then it was like, boom, three quick punches to the guts. Let's introduce our second guest. Guys returning.

Let me introduce someone first. Go on. Here's your big chance. Awesome. You want that Wikipedia page? Go out there and earn it. Okay. All right.

I want the king. All right. I fucked it already. I fucked it already. Welcome back to the show. Claire Hooper. Yay. That's it.

Wikipedia announcer and introducer of acts. But I wanted very quickly, what were the truth bombs that they... What was it? They carpet bombed you with. Yeah, it was... You know what? It felt like someone who definitely really had it out for me. It was...

Like it felt like someone that knew you? Like it was a personal thing or it was just thing? I reckon it was someone in the industry. Personal life owes me 50 bucks. No, I'm not fleety. No, it was something along the lines of it was still all nice and then there was this bit that said compared to his peers,

he's really underachieved. He hasn't been anywhere near as good as the rest of the people he works with and he gets a lot of charity work from the bigger names. Something along those lines. That's industry. That's industry, without a doubt. And it was one of those things that as I...

What's the source on that one that they had to put in? Fuck, that was just brutal, wasn't it? Was it taken from the age? As I said, if I'd read that first up, I would have gone, well, isn't that typical of the internet? But because it had just been really nice before and it was with my friend Neria, we'd just been to the movies, we'd come home, she says, oh, let's have a look at it.

And you go, oh, check this out. And then you're kind of both reading it together, like someone there kind of makes it even more real kind of thing. Yeah, that's savage. It was just like, oh, this is brutal. All right, what noise did you make? Can you do your noise? Oh, you know what?

I reckon there was no noise. You know, it was just... You just sucked all the noise out of the room. It was literally this. That's all I did. It was about a half a degree turn to the left and staring just a little bit over my computer. That's our right, by the way, for everyone at home.

Yeah, yeah. And that was it. That's all that happened. And then Neri was like, oh, oh, oh. And then we didn't know what to do. So then you go to bed. Like you've gone to the cinema and you've come home and seen that just before you go to bed. Just before you close your eyes and have nothing but you and your thoughts.

Yeah. The best time of day. Yeah. I'm just going to have a sleep and dream about someone who thinks I'm a cocksnapper. Just talking quickly about Fleety, I think... Oh, yeah. Well, there was a mention there. That'd be good. You know how they have that big electronic

thing for America's national debt and it just constantly changes? That'd be good if it was Greg Fleet's debt. It was just constantly ticking over. The Fleety index. Yeah, yeah. It's a permanent fixture in the hi-fi bar during the comedy festival. It just hangs over the bar and it's just, we get to go in every year and see

where it's up to. Oh, Fleety's had a good year. He's actually been doing alright. What if we start doing the Good Friday appeal but for Fleety? There's nothing good about that. Now, what about you, Claire? Have you ever found something just on the internet by accident? Oh man, I don't look myself up. Not at all.

But did you ever do it once? Oh, I think, look, I think my experience on MySpace, because you already mentioned it back in the day, was enough. You know, like you'd get things like, and I reckon your Wikipedia page hurt you because it wasn't out and out. It wasn't like, this guy's a fucking asshole. It was like, just not that good. Like that's what hurts.

Yeah, yeah. It's not passionate enough. Like, that's what hurts. Yeah, yeah. It's not passionate enough. Yeah, it's the dispassionate, mediocre comments. They really hurt you. So, you know, the big stuff on MySpace, like, why do you even bother writing? Oh, hey, Claire, my dad doesn't like you, but I think you're all right. You're like, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. And it was just that experience early on in my life. It made me go, I'm just, I'm off the internet. That classic thing where it's just like, just saying. I'm just saying it. Like, it's true. It's just early on in my life. I'm off the internet. That classic thing where it's just like, just saying. I'm just saying it. It's true. It's just a fact from my life.

Hey, I'm not having a crack. Yeah, yeah. I had someone at a gig. I had those Crown gigs and there was someone who worked there who was talking about a comedian who was a friend of mine. Just quickly, we should say you were running gigs at Crown Casino in Melbourne, not you were doing gigs for the Crown. I just realised anyone who doesn't know makes it sound like you've been flown out

to perform for the Royal Family. Oh, yeah, but that was another story. So we'll get to that another time. And it was for Prince Andrew as well, which has been in the papers lately, so we should really get to that story. I look much different in those photos too, don't I? That's when I had long blonde hair. Good times.

And you were 15. Yeah, and I was hot. But this person who worked at Crown said to me, oh, yeah, you know who I hate is such and such. And I said, oh, yeah, that's a really good friend of mine. And they said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think they're not funny. And I said, yeah, yeah, they're a really good friend of mine. They said, yeah, I'm just telling you that I don't find them funny.

And I said, I'm just telling you that they're a really fucking good friend of mine and just could not understand that it's not cool. Like, it's not cool. You don't go up to someone and say, oh, yeah, is that your baby? Yeah. I reckon it looks like it's got Down syndrome. Like, you don't say that. You said that to me.

Wow. I was trying to get a ride. Just trying to break their eyes. That's the great thing when you get into comedy and people start sort of saying to you, oh, so you know such and such, such and such. Yeah, yeah. Can you tell them that they're not funny for me?

Can you tell them that they're no good? Yeah. Well, I used to. Yeah, yeah. I reckon it's more when you're first starting out and you're starting to know some people and then over time you lose those friends. Yeah.

Well, just such a weird request. Can you tell them for me that they're not funny? It's like, would you say that to them if they were here now? Oh, God, no. I just need a middleman and you're going to be it. And what do you get out of that? Me coming back and going, hey, so I saw QZ at a gig and I told him that you don't think he's funny

and he was very angry at me. He asked me why I'd brought it up and then it's really awkward and I don't think I'm ever going to salvage my relationship with him. And then your friend's just like, great, thanks so much, man. That's exactly how I wanted that to go. This is, oh, thanks, man. I really owe you one. I'm glad you did that for me. I've got a few more names if you see anyone next week.

Here's the list. Give me your gig diary. Who are you gigging with? Who's coming up? But hey, it's just after New Year's. Is there New Year's resolutions that you guys do? Oh, yeah. I always don't make them. I always don't make New Year's resolutions.

And then about a week later a few things occur to me and I kind of decide to keep that little list ticking over in my head. So I guess I do. I'm a week later guy too. Never on the day. Well, it's not the right time. You're not in the right frame of mind. No.

You're usually in a good mood. So no time to look at your foibles and think, oh, what do I need to fix? On the 31st, you're too busy stockpiling booze to strong-arm at the stroke of midnight. Who's got time to think of their resolutions? Right. Right.

I wasn't doing that. I was in Bali with Gatesy. Here's a little story for you that you'll appreciate. At Limo's wedding that we talked about last week. Limo's wedding. What if all we do on this podcast from now on is talk about Limo's wedding every week? Just memories of Limo. You know what the best thing is? I reckon Limo will be

into that. We booked his wife for next week so I reckon it'll come up. I reckon it will too. On the 30th we were all hanging around having a drink and Mick Malloy walked up to us and he was really sensible about this. He came up to about half a dozen of us and said, boys, I've heard that the place that we're going for tomorrow night is going to be a terrorist attack.

Now, I don't want to alarm you, but what should we do? Like, tell six of us. That's a really good idea. So then we tell six. So then there was this really full-on conversation of like, well, if we don't go, the terrorists. Oh, man, the poor business owner. Just like piling booze into the fridges going,

I hear it's going to be a big night. Yeah, right. We're selling these beers for 30 cents already. It's not like we're making a big profit. Now we can't even get rid of them. Poor, poor business owner. $300,000 in their currency. But, you know, it was this thing.

So then we're having these really full-on conversations of, well, if we don't go, the terrorists have won. But if we do go, maybe the terrorists win. And do I really want to try and catch Gatesy's leg as it flies past me? And, you know, it was a really maybe, it's Mick. How does Mick know?

So was he completely serious? Yes. Right, that was what I was going to ask. Because the way you were telling that and just the fact that Mick's involved made me think this is a sick joke. Mick's in Bali. He's been drinking for six days. Does he know what he's saying anymore? Well, it's also like Malloy is connected, isn't he?

So he could be pulling, like he goes to Bali all the time. With the Indonesian mafia. Yeah. Well, how else is someone going to party in Bali? That's what I'm saying. The terrorists, before they do anything, they're letting Eddie Maguire know because Mick's pretty tight with him. He knows how he got the insights good.

And Eddie knows that Mick is the one that makes him popular so he can't have him explode. So anyway, so then we all started, you know, everyone, some people are overreacting, some people are trying to be cool about it, some people want to be calm. I was trying to work out where I could stand and if it went down I could be the first to do material about it.

So then it got to the night and so Limo had one of the groomsmen in his wedding, has someone who is relatively high up in a position of power. I don't want to talk about it because that will get me blown up. So he found out, no, everything's going to be fine,

but then do you believe that? So it was Gatesy. And if only there was another venue in Bali that you could come to. Right. But they'd booked, but Limo and Kel had booked this place that had food. So it wasn't just like a thing on the side of the beach. No, no, no, no, no, no. He had like,

he'd booked for 50 people, you know, go down, eat, drink, hang out, etc. It's the cancellation policy if you've booked a venue and you find out that it will definitely be the subject of a terrorist attack. Are you getting at least half the money? Yeah, do you get your bond back if it blows up? Is that on you?

Remember, we're in Bali, so you will get 15 bucks back. So you will be fine. So anyway, so Gatesy and I and a couple of others, we were like discussing it. Do we go? Do we not go? We had to be there at 8.30.

We got to 8.30 and then it's like, oh, well, we'll just head down. So we wandered down. Like we really took our time as well. And by the time we got there, it was about 10. And when we arrived, Limo and all them were saying, oh, we're leaving. And it's like, why? Have you heard more about the terrorist attack and it was like nah it was full of arsehole Aussies

and bintang singlets coming out going fucking Hugh Z-Mate Limo that cunt that married Limo and where was the alert on that one that's what we needed the alert for. That should be the Bali airport

though to be fair should be the super bogan though, to be fair. Right. Wow. It should be the Super Bogan alert. What we're finding out is, like, ISIS have got the wrong angle entirely, throwing bombs into them because they should just throw drunk Aussies in bintang singlets into public places.

It does more psychological damage. No, what we learned from that is they... That is a way to keep people indoors. What we learned from that, they should have bombed that place. Right. Yep. That would have been a happy learned from that, they should have bombed that place. Right. Yeah. That would have been a happy ending. Mate, they would have been national heroes.

But the... So we got there, we only lasted about two minutes and then we walked all the way back from where we came. Ended up at a friend's hotel and Gatesy and I hadn't eaten so they were up in the posh part of the hotel in their big, massive room with a big, massive balcony. And Gatesy and I, as we were walking through the hotel, there was a party on and there was a buffet. So Gatesy and I picked up a plate and we picked up a whole lot of buffet

and we went all the way up and we had heaps of snacks. We ate really well, actually. You ripped them off. You saved yourself a sweet 15 cents if you didn't pay for the buffet. It was awesome. So that's how it pay for the buffet. It was awesome. So that's how it worked out for us. That's awesome. My New Year's Eve was I was in Tasmania at the Falls Festival at Marion Bay

and we had done a gig and they're very generous with the rider that you get backstage and I was staying there overnight for New Year's Eve and the other two comedians, Daniel Towns and Ursula Carlson, they left straight after the gig and the people running the backstage were like, hey, you can have all this Ryder. You do what you want with it. What was the Ryder? The Ryder was like tons of beers, some Captain Morgans and Coke,

just cans of different beers. Because what you want to do is when you drink scotch, you want to be still pumped up with sugar. Yeah, absolutely. There were about 20 cans of that. Yeah, the last thing you need to do is pass out and you can just keep fucking drinking, mate. But they all leave and so I'm allowed to do what I want with this rider

but you've got to, you know, someone else has to take over the dressing room in half an hour so you do what you want with it but you can't keep it here. And I'm like, oh, have you got like a, I don't have a bag on me, have you got a bag or something that I can, because I'm thinking, this is great, I'm not going to have to buy a drink all night, like this is so much booze. So they then come out and they bring me a clear plastic garbage bag

that I load literally about 20 cans into and then I just kind of sling it over my shoulder and go, alright guys, well thanks for the gig and have a happy New Year's Eve. And then I just trot it off by myself. So instead of having one of those sacks with the dollar sign on it, you need the four X's on it yeah and i'm just walking and so people you

know i'm walking through the campsite to get to the stage and punters are seeing me like some kind of gero santa claus because i look because when you buy drinks at those things at the bars they open them for you so it's impossible if you're a punter to stockpile them yeah so they think some people thought i was some kind of like actual like salesman traveling salesman yeah awesome how much for a can i'm like nah these are kind of got to last me all night and so yeah by the end it was just me with this gradually and drinking them because it was really heavy so drinking them really quick just to just to take the strain off my arms some some people would have thought you were an alcoholic Santa, and people from Adelaide would have thought,

he is going to get so much at recycling. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it was fun in spite of, I realised as the words were coming out of my mouth, it sounds like the most bleak experience that anyone's ever had. But no, that was me just trapped in the wilderness. Yeah, festive time of year, got a bag of cans on your back and you just tell everyone they can't have any. Yeah, yeah.

This bag of cans is all for, it's very heavy and I don't want to carry it anymore but you're not getting any. But I like those people coming up wanting some. It's like when people come up to you on the street and go, oh, can I have two bucks? And you pat your pockets and go, sorry, mate, I got nothing. It's like, can I have a drink? Oh, mate, I wish I could.

I wish I had one. I'm looking as well. I'm looking as well. I'm looking. Cutting down my transparent plastic bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like when Fleety walks up to me and I'm wearing a gold suit and he says, do you have any money? I go, nah, I haven't been paid for a gig in ages.

That's like when I walk around with a suit of heroin and Fleety comes up to me and asks, oh, no, all right. We're not on board for that one? All right, good. Yeah, no pashes on New Year's Eve for this guy, surprisingly enough. Hey, can I have one of your cans? Fuck no. Hey, it's midnight.

Do you want to maybe kiss? No. Yeah, fair enough. That's quite good, though, because that's quite a good currency to be dealing with, though, I would imagine, at falls. That's nine bucks a can. I could have come out of there with some serious extra scratch on my back. That could have been like a status symbol for you.

Like, you're walking around with all those cans in a bag unopened like you said but you know you should have been strutting around yeah you should well at one point i went i was went from the campsite back into the main festival bit and you're not allowed to take drinks in from the campsite because you're not allowed to bring your own so i turn up with this sack and the and i just and i'm not even thinking i'm just going to walk through and the security guard at the gate just sees the bag and he's like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

we're going to need to have a chat about this and I'm like, oh, it's from the writer and my excuse was just so convoluted and long that I think his brain just melted He just wanted you to keep walking and stop talking Yeah, he was like, this is too much But you know, you could have set yourself up in like a corner of the stage

and then you could have had like a minion who comes up and a dude goes up to your minion, oh mate, I just want two cans, you stay here, we don't want you making eye contact with Dazzalo, he runs back, you know it's just like the Y, it's got a little burner. A little mini Prohibition era. I think I learned a silly how many

cans I had, it was maybe 12. Don't ruin the story, don't ruin the story with your facts. I wasn't going back to my tent and swimming around in cans, Scrooge McDuck style. No, I was going, I thought you were going the full Scarface thing, you know, with a face full of fucking Coke. Literally, Coca-Cola. I thought you were going Breaking Bad and you've got your minion

back in your tent making UDL mixture. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. This is 94% UDL. What about you? And we've made it blue. Yeah, well, that's what it was before. Vodka and boysenberry.

What is wrong with you? What did you end up doing, Claire? Well, I was in Perth, so it gave me an advantage when I wanted to stay up to midnight, Melbourne time. So I got to stay up till 9pm and go to bed, feeling victorious. My mother and father and I did cryptic crosswords and had cups of tea. Right. I have a baby now and it made it really difficult.

All right, we're starting a new story now. Oh, man, it was, it's just really difficult with a baby. So I sort of had leaned on my mum. I lean on them a lot for, you know, like for looking after the baby so I can get things done. Wait, but they live in Perth. So I was in Perth. When you want to get chores done here, you just put the baby on a plane.

Yeah, that's right. No, I mean I was there for two and a half weeks and just the whole time leaning up to New Year's, I sort of knew about some things happening and I was feeling it out. Like I wonder if I could get away with just going, oh, I'm just going to go out for a few hours and leave the baby with them and then it just didn't feel right. And to be honest, there was just this mum had pulled out the cryptic crossword

and I was starting to learn how to do them. And I was like, this will do. This will do this year. She gave me pyjamas for Christmas. They were on at like 4pm every day. They were just really comfortable pyjamas. So I would have had to go change. And I got to kind of live vicariously through my...

Were any of you at my house on New Year's Eve? That's what I was about to say because there was a party here. We're in your house now, by the way. I'm leaning up against Dan Moore's expensive leather jacket that he still hasn't picked up because he left it here. He also lost some sunglasses. He didn't lose anything as valuable as my husband. He lost a $400 bottle of wine and here's the deal, right?

Did he really lose it or did he lose it into his guts? No, so he... this is our only when when i was working in radio in sydney it was our it was his one investment was this you know this uh vintage crook it's about 700 retail now like it's a 96 whatever i know nothing about it but it's his special it's his one precious possession and you know in his life and he has a baby. What's the baby worth now? I have no idea about retail value but I guess it's all about finding a buyer. As soon as you drive it off the lot, it goes down.

Doesn't it? Yeah, it loses value and so does a whole lot else. This baby only had one previous owner, a little old lady who just took it to church. So yeah, anyway, he woke up in the morning. Well, no, he didn't. Whatever. I don't know what happened. I don't know how he arrived at the morning but in the morning he was a little bit dusty and he looked in the fridge for it and it wasn't there.

And I think, you know, he just did that thing where your brain explodes and he couldn't see it anywhere and he called me in a bit of a fluster and I was like, all right, babes. Does the baby have it? Babes, you're all right. You'll be all right. We'll get you another one. It's all right. Nobody would have done it deliberately.

Maybe you want to send a text out letting people know that if they drank it, they should just know that it's like a really special one. Yes. Like know that when they have a liquid laugh today, that vomit is going to be really expensive. I don't know. 20 bucks a chunk. Is there a way you can phrase a text to say, don't feel bad, it's done, but you may as well know you just had a great time.

Just any time something goes missing from someone's house party and they have to send that thing out going, look, you know, if you took it by accident or if you know, it's like a brutal thing to have to do. Well, he wasn't up to the text so I wrote it for him and he sent it on and then he found it. Where was it? In the fridge. Right. How big is your fridge?

He's not that big. He was just very shabby and jumping to conclusions. Then he sent a very polite, hey, guys, I found it. Is it a white wine? It's a sparkling. Oh, right. You know, like if you work in wine, which he does, you're very snobby about stuff like Marlon Chandon

and all the like traditional highly advertised ones. And then there's the ones that you know are good. So Krug is like just a, it's just about as good as champagne gets. Right. I've been to Krug. You can't trust him. You're better off just keeping your drinks in a transparent plastic bag, slung over your shoulder all night, and then they don't go missing.

40 or 50 beers, like, I don't want any facts. This is how hobos started, just everyone going, it's better off in the sack, over your shoulder, just everything. Why would you have a house that's going to go missing? Next time I go to the force, I'm going to take a hanky and a little stick and keep my rider in hand. Your bindle. Your bindle.

My little bindle. So that's the second best story about your fridge that I've ever heard. Now, I've never heard this story from you. Is this the Spanish ham? Yes. The Spanish ham. I'll tell you back the story that I heard that I love. All right.

So it's a story about someone someone that maybe used to be in comedy that was house sitting for you and the way i heard it was uh you're about to come back and the message went out to you saying hey everything's fine everything's good um everything's ready for you to come back and i've bought some spanish ham and left in the fridge for you and you've gone okay great and then you're nearly home and the message goes out saying um oh right so I've just left the house, everything's spick and span, left some Spanish ham in the fridge for you. Then you get home, there's a note on the table saying, here's the spare key, all good, Spanish

ham in the fridge. You open the fridge, no Spanish ham. Right. All right. Well, what you need to know is I don't even eat ham because I'm a bit of a friend of the pigs. But the bit of the story is, you know, we're on the drive. Yeah.

On the drive home. I mean, the important bit is that I read the text and I'd say, I turn to Wado and I go, oh, she's left some Spanish ham in the fridge. Right. Giving him about a half an hour of just delicious anticipation because, you know, Wado and he's just, he enjoys anticipation. So he was just, oh, my God. Long drive, looking forward to carving it up when you get home.

He will give me a call when I'm not at home, when I'm travelling. He will give me a call to tell me the ingredients of the sandwich he just ate. He's really into sandwiches. So that was just. What a home-a-lot, right? I mean, he stopped talking after I said that for the rest of the way home. And I know what he was thinking about, Spanish hams in the fridge. We got home and we opened the fridge.

And he's looking around and there is no Spanish ham in the fridge. I go home and we open the fridge and he's looking around and there is no Spanish ham in the fridge. I don't know what happened to it. I don't feel that it was a practical joke. I think maybe you should get him to have another look because he could not find the wine before. There might be a Spanish ham in your fridge. That's what I was about to say with this new evidence that we have.

Did it fortify into wine? It's a sparkling ham. Was it white or red ham imagine if you literally did look in and we found it and it was like still there and still good to go and above all what is Spanish ham I've never heard of Spanish ham we never found out

but the great thing is that Geraldine Hickey and Alison Bice house sat my house over a year afterwards, like years later, and obviously remembered the story because when we came home there was a note on the door that said, there's Spanish ham in the fridge. And then when we got to the fridge there's a note that says, there's no Spanish ham in the fridge.

And what's great is we have both notes stuck to the fridge but then we opened and they'd actually bought a cheap, shitty whole leg of ham and they'd put a little Dora the Explorer hat on it. Oh, awesome. That's pretty good. Don't you love like there's a point where you're thinking, you know what, maybe I'll make it as a comedian and I'll be real respected in the industry and I'll make some really good friends and maybe there'll be a legend about me

and the Spanish ham legend. The Spanish ham. Look, that person doesn't work in comedy anymore, but I still think they have some respect, they have some kudos in circles. Sure. Oh, yeah. All right? Yeah.

They have my respect for birthing that story. Oh, my God, the poor Wade. You know what I... You can see his disappointment in his shoulders when something's gone wrong in his life. Did he bring you again, even though you were in the same room together afterwards? Claire, where's the Spanish ham?

I just feel like there's been all the jokes about the Spanish ham and many people have told the story. It just doesn't seem right to me. You know what, next time I come around here, I'm bringing you an actual Spanish ham. Not a joke Spanish ham. I'm going to bring you an actual Spanish ham. I also never want to be in a situation

if I find out why there was no Spanish ham. I want this to be like JFK. I don't want to know who was on the grassy knoll. I don't want to know why the Spanish ham wasn't in there. I never want to hear the fact of it. I don't want to hear that it was some elaborate prank. I don't want to hear it was a metaphor that got out of control. I don't want to find out that it was in the back.

I just want the idea of that story to continue to grow. Because you imagine how good this story is going to be in ten years' time. Oh, man. When I first heard it. It would be the whole pig. I've got a pig in the freezer. When I first heard that story, I tried to get Spanish ham going as like a slang term. So sort of like just for anything that's non-existent.

So essentially an Indian giving like a promise that never materialises. Or to be like, mate, how's the sex life at the moment? Mate, it's a Spanish ham. Hey, mate, can I buy a can of booze off you down at Falls Festival? Sorry, mate, I'm all Spanish hammed out. It's all bloody Spanish hams in here, mate. I did not realise that that was a... I didn't realise that you'd been privy to that story. Didn't realise it had spread so far.

Yeah, and now it's going out to a lot of podcast listeners who are about to get hashtag Spanish ham going. Hashtag sparkling ham. Spanish ham. That's a great one from the vaults of you and me long before doing the podcast where I've always thought, I wonder if we could ever bring that up on the show. Hopefully someday that'll get to go out to the public.

Turns out dreams come true. Hey, we didn't find out what you did for New Year's. Oh, yeah. It'll be bleak. No, no. I went to the movies? Oh, yeah. It'll be bleak. No, no. I went to the movies, which I never do, because I don't really do New Year's Eve. I don't really into it, whatever.

And I went to the movies and went, oh, this is cool. This is the right idea. Like I'm just going to go and – Talk us through the clientele at the cinemas on New Year's Eve. Well, that's exactly it. I go in, I go, oh, I figured this out. Go to the movies. Just 50 people who look exactly like you.

No, just 60-year-olds. So I'm in there going, this is good, and then I look around and go, oh, I'm thinking the same as them. I'm not too far away from these guys. I did a cryptic crossword. Yeah, yeah. Just all grey hair at the cinema. Do you know what?

I don't mind seeing movies with a predominantly over 60s audience, right? And I bet you're saying 60 and you probably, because you forget how, I mean, 60 is only 18 years older than Hammo here. You know, like 60 is not that old anymore. She pointed at him too. She pointed at me. That's what I appreciated. Just in case I'd forgotten who I am because I'm so old.

He's great to see a movie with. He's great and he'd probably still be great in 18 years. I will be. Nailed it. When it's a mostly old audience, do you find this, Hammo, when you go into, because you see a lot of movies and you would see preview movies in with a, sometimes it would be pitched at an older audience.

Here's what happens. They like to do a little bit of commentary. You know, like young people know, just shut up, it'll all come clear soon. But older people are a little bit like,. You know, like young people know, just shut up, it'll all come clear soon. But older people are a little bit like, oh, we haven't seen him before. Yes. No, you don't have to say that out loud. No, we're all thinking that because the movie just started.

Yeah. My favourite, I've heard this many times, oh, from before. That's a classic. One of my favourites was seeing Pulp Fiction When it first came out I saw it at the cinema and loved it And went and saw it a second time And when it gets to the point where

Bruce Willis comes face to face with John Travolta That all takes place And then it goes to the rest of the story with Jules And the woman behind me went But he's dead And had just missed that the whole movie was not linear in any way and just kept saying, didn't he get shot? And whoever was with him, with her, just had turned off and had just, you know, was focusing on the film

and she just kept asking, but he got killed. He got killed and she just could not understand i did great i watched stargate in the cinemas and i sat behind this guy who did he was like arnieing it or sylvester stallone in it the whole time like he just come up with a catchphrase for everything that happened oh no that's adding value yeah and he'd be he would be almost turning to me and saying it like you're sitting in front of me but then he he actually did do it at the very end when everything, something was blowing up, something was about to be blown up or someone was blowing something up,

and he literally did the old dusting of the hands, turned around to me as he walked out and went, time to shut up shop. Right. No. Yeah. No. It feels like it was a C-list 80s Australian action hero

Yeah, yeah, right That's what happened at the end of Razorback or something Let's try and combine two of these threads Anyone who's listening, let's get some kind of weird flash mob thing going Next time you're in the cinema watching an action movie And there's a moment like that where you can whip this out Give it a bit of, now that is a Spanish hand Yeah, yeah, yeah

If people could get that going at the cinemas Yeah, I saw The Expendables with Tom Gleeson Oh, I thought that had Sylvester Stallone in it Yes, yeah, yeah. It would be great if people could get that going at the cinemas. Yeah. I saw The Expendables with Tom Gleeson and... Oh, I thought that had Sylvester Stallone in it. Yes, yes. Boy, they're really expanding the cast for that fourth one. I saw the original. The Sylvester Stallone one was a remake. The original, very ginger.

Anyway, and we were sitting in the cinema and we were, you know, it's loud and there's explosions and i don't normally talk in movies but that's one of those movies that you're just turning like oh yeah he's too old to do that oh this is shit ass blah blah and then there was there was one moment where it was quiet in the movie and at that moment we realized everyone in the cinema was talking so everyone had been talking all the way through the film and it wasn't until that silent moment everyone's looking around going, hey! Went back to their conversations.

I'll just follow up on something from a couple of weeks ago and also talking before about the Falls Festival. Now I mentioned my parents came along to the Lawn Falls Festival with me to watch me do my gig. That's right, I was 28 and I took my parents along to a music festival like a real cool guy. How many beers did they have in their sacks?

They had a couple actually. It was good though. It was actually... Who was the highlight for them? Me. Oh, right, they didn't watch any of the bands? No, they didn't. Well, I'll get to that.

So they were... Simply read on the bill or...? They were... Because, you know, it's that thing where... Actually, sorry to interrupt. What's their taste in music? None. They have, between them they own one CD, The Best of Abba.

Are you serious? That's it? Yeah. Right. So your taste in music is rebellion to have taste in music. Exactly. I've talked about this on stage where, you know, a lot of friends my age, they hear, you know,

like the Beatles and stuff. Yeah. Their dad would have that on. I never lot of friends my age, they hear The Beatles and stuff. Their dad would have that on. I never had that growing up. What did you have? Just ABBA on repeat. Right. Really? Best of ABBA on repeat all the time. And that's why you're a dancer queen. It's one of your names not

Tiami. So yeah, they... But I did this thing for Christmas I got them a couple of CDs Because I thought, you know what, I'll just try and Try and make their You know, try and broaden their life Never works

Forcing hobbies on your parents or forcing New interests on them, I've bought so many things For my mum and dad that they've just gone Nah, thanks, but no I've tried that with my mum and then she has honestly said to me, I don't know, your taste in music's too soft because she likes Pearl Jam, Nine Inch Nails, the Deftones. She took you to see Kiss when you were a kid, didn't she?

Eight years old. That was my first concert. She took me to see Kiss and she thought they were a bit poppy. So I tried this Neil Finn album. Oh, fucking too soft i can grow some balls like she went and saw nine inch nails and queens of the stone age last year and halfway through queens of the stone age just went this is too soft and left love nine nine inch nails thought queens of the stone age were too soft wow yeah right yeah right so uh so yes i don't try to give her music

either i bought them a few c CDs and then Dad was like, yeah, we listened the other day to a couple of them and we liked them. I'm like, oh, which ones? Like, I don't know. Like, what did they sound like? He's like, no. And he went, take a chance on me. Anyway, you're still listening to ABBA.

Yeah, that's in the par. That was one of the new ones, wasn't it? No, but Wade and I have really similar taste in music. Like, as in I acknowledge it. But if he goes, hey, you should listen to this album, it's really good, I'm like, fuck off. You know, like as in I acknowledge it, but if he goes, hey, you should listen to this album, it's really good, I'm like, fuck off. You know, like I won't. And then I will deliberately.

You can't even find the wine. I'll deliberately not listen to it for a year. It drives him mental. Like the new Kanye, he's like, it's really good. And I'm like, well, because you've told me to listen to it, I'm not going to. I don't say that out loud. I say it in my head because you've told me to listen to it.

I'm not going to listen to it. I'm very contrary, I'm sure. People really are with music, don't you reckon? But then do you do – so then you do eventually listen to it after a while. Oh, yeah, and I'll be like – Do you then do that thing where you go to him and you're like, you should check out the new Kanye. No, no, no.

I did do it the other day. I mean, like, I did the other day. I went, oh, man, that new Kanye is great. And he will just go – like, for ages I had a really small desk in my office, like tiny. It could barely fit a laptop on it. And he'd be like, you just need to get a bigger desk. And I'm like, no, I don't. No, I don't.

Not for ages. And then finally I got a big desk and I'm like, man, it is good to have a big desk. For ages. He was like, you would love Roy Boss tea. You should drink Roy Boss tea. And I'm like, it's disgusting. I went two years I held out on that.

And then I finally started drinking it like nonstop going, I love Roy Boss. And he's like, no. Like this is, we have a great marriage. My favourite marriage is the ones that are just like a long game of cat and mouse. That's what I enjoy. That's great. But, yeah, he does that with, and I really think, I mean,

that's coming from really similar musical tastes and I refuse to. I can't imagine being your parents going, Tommy, the entire time you've known us, we haven't give a fuck about music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't talk either. And now you want us to give a fuck? Well, they've learnt English off ABBA. Yeah.

It's very Swedish. That's how Benny would say it. Like, how insulting must that be? Like, what about thinking about something we might like based on your entire experience of us as people that are close to you. I know, but otherwise it was just going to be like socks and soap and I thought, you know what, at the very least, maybe it doesn't work, but at least I'm trying something a little bit different.

Is that what you think of them? You're like, well, if I'm going to give you socks or soap or something I know you won't like, that's all. It wasn't that I knew they wouldn't. It was like I didn't just get stuff that I really like. I went and I spent some time and I thought this is nice stuff that I think they'll enjoy. They spend a lot of time pottering around the house.

They can just put this on. I got them the National. I got them Boy and Bear, you know, kind of nice. My mum would fucking smash you. She would punch you into tomorrow. So soft. That is, yeah. Yeah, they want to listen to you into tomorrow. Oh, so soft. That is, yeah. Yeah, they want to listen to Boy and Bear.

You want those albums. No, I don't want Boy and Bear at all. Really? No. No. It seems like a move. It does stink of Dassolo. Yeah.

It does seem like a move, though. To be honest, out of all the people at this table, you'd be the most likely to listen to Boy and Bear. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'm not going to debate that. Yeah, but'd be the most likely to listen to Boy and Bear. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'm not going to debate that. Yeah, but, you know, giving your mum and dad Boy and Bear is like, you know, they want that as much as they want their local barista to come in and sing them a song that they've written.

You know what I mean? They don't want that in their house. I was at my mate's house once when I was a kid. I was at my mate's house for I think Christmas morning. I think we went out drinking and then on Christmas morning we woke up. Was that point clear? Did you get what I was saying kid. I was at my mate's house for, I think Christmas morning, I think we went out drinking and then on Christmas morning we woke up. Was that point clear? Did you get what I was saying?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'd like you to rip into me for a few more minutes if you possibly could. No, I'm just saying, listen to what they, I mean, you know what I know about your parents so far? I know they like to potter around the house. Yes. Buy your mum some really nice gardening gloves.

Yeah. Or some pottering shoes. Or some pot. Really far that shit up. All right, next to your Spanish hand. How about that? That'll do. That's pot. Really far that shit up. Next year, Spanish hand. How about that? That'll do. That's better. It's easier to shop for as well. We've got heaps of it right here.

I was going to say, that was like, I think I was at my friend's house on Christmas morning. I woke up and he immediately gave his mum her present and it was very clearly a soccer ball and they just took off the wrapping and she went, what am I going to do with a soccer ball? And he went, I've got

an idea. Let's go, Carl. And we went out and played soccer. So that's, you know. Did she enjoy that? Did she enjoy that? Yeah. Well, it didn't matter. It was gone. Like, I don't think so. But what I'm saying is, it's like, that seemed like a move that Dastlo did. Buying music CDs for your mum and dad and then go, oh, you didn't

want that? Oh, I guess I can find use for it. What about your parents? What music taste do they have? Zero. Oh, zero? So none when you were growing up as well? No, zero. Yeah.

No, they never played anything. Yeah, right. I had to go and I had to save up and get like a tape player, like a record and tape player sort of thing. Right. I reckon it would make it way better. No, as in like how wonderful to discover music when your parents haven't already.

Well, my dad would be. You wouldn't be so out of your like normal life. My dad would be quite competitive. Even though he wasn't into it at all, into music and wouldn't play music deliberately. Like I'd put something on. Sometimes you'd trip and fall over and music would come on though. Yeah, I'd put something on and then he'd go on and I'd go, oh, this is great.

And he'd go, not as good as the Beatles. And it's like, that was the argument every time. And you're like, you don't listen to the Beatles. Yeah, yeah. But he's like, oh, you know, I listened to it when I was a kid though. So this isn't as good as the Beatles. It's like, you can't just take the Beatles side over everything and you're not even particularly that into the Beatles.

It's not a fucking Music Olympics we're competing in. And I'm 15. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Hey, guess what? You don't have to compete with your 15-year-old son over musical taste. It's going to be all right.

That's funny. Just quickly going back to Christmas Eve, this just reminded me of something. I know someone who has, this is a while ago, picked up on Christmas Eve, went out drinking on Christmas Eve. And went home. Went home. With them.

With them. The guy, she thinks, pissed the bed. But then just had to get up in the morning and go like, oh, fuck, I've got lunch to go to. And then left. Merry Christmas. And then I saw this person later that day and they were like going, I mean, maybe.

Merry. They could have just sweat heaps. Maybe that's why the bed was wet. It's like. Merry Pissmas. Right. But first of all, that's picking up on Christmas Eve. That's a pretty... That's impressive. Pretty wild. I like how you're calling that wild.

Yeah. Let's get back to the piss part. There's a wilder part of that story you've overlooked. The piss is wild on whatever day of the year it happens on, so that's kind of a given. I don't know. Christmas Eve is never a night where I think... Waking up in someone else's house on Christmas morning, that's... Yeah, exactly. Being hungover, having to put your clothes on, go see mum and dad.

And people usually get up early on Christmas. So obviously this person left alone. It wasn't one of those scenarios where they've gone to the house and, hey, here's my mum, here's my dad. Sorry we didn't have time to get you a present because you only just turned up last night to fuck our daughter. She's living at the parents' house. Oh, she is? No.

What? Working up in someone else's parents' house. No. Oh. And then like. What, a train? That's a train spotting one. Right there, isn't it?

Right? He's gone to get up and then her younger sister thought it was Santa, like putting stuff under the tree. And it's like, oh, what's in the stocking? I'm sorry, that's a used condom. If you could put that down. Yeah. That's a present for later. Yeah, Clive, I just got you something that I want to use myself.

Yeah. I, many, many years ago, about eight years ago, when I was a younger fella and I picked up a girl once. 26 years into you're 60. It was awesome. And always good to remember in the back of your head how close you are to 60. Anyway, I...

Let's start on the website. Days until Hammo's 60 and days until Nick Cody's birthday. Whoopers clock, they call it. How long you are until 60. At the Hi-Fi Club, it's the fleety Dow index and how many days until I turn 60. I... An amount of Spanish ham ham that's just constantly painted zero. And there's a beautiful moment where all three of them sync up

and show the same number. And everyone waits for it. There it is. It's gone. It's like the Hadron Collider. Then it's like bang. The end. Then comedy ends forever.

I had a one-night stand with a lady. Clay. Yep, don't want to brag, once. And anyway, she had gone and then the next morning I've woken up and I've looked at the bed and I actually thought, oh, my God, like she shit herself. Like she shit herself in my bed, right? And so I did what any normal person would do when they're panicking like that. I called Adam Richard and Adam's like squealing on the phone like oh my god oh

my god are you serious i'm like yeah i just don't know what to do like i'd like and he's like oh what does it look like i said it looks like shit and he's like oh he said wait a minute go and smell it i said i am not fucking smelling it he said smell it i'm not smelling it so trust me you should smell it so i bent down said, what does it smell like? And I went, smells like coconut. He said, it's fake tan, you fuckhead. And it was fake tan all through my beard. Oh, I've never been more rapt.

But that moment, that moment of pre-sniff and post-sniff, there was just that amount of panic followed by the, like, what is going on with this coconut lover? Or she'd just been drinking Malibu all night. Right. Amount of panic followed by the most, like, what is going on with this coconut lover? Or she'd just been drinking Malibu all night. Right. And the joke was on me. Because you rolled around in it after that. Yeah, yeah.

Ended up with, I wondered why my calf muscles were so tanned. I once, again, in my younger days, when I was only 20 years to go until I was 60 as well. You're 40. You just admitted it. Are you 40? No, I'm not. You're not.

You're the same age as me, aren't you? I'm not. How old are you? Isn't he 37? 38. Are you 38? Oh, that's not that far. I thought you were younger than that.

I forgot. I'm 38. I forgot. Oh, yeah, right. I was like, he's the same age as me, 37. I've had a baby. I don't know what's going on. As I prefer to know it, 22 years to go.

Yeah. Yeah, 22 years to go. Yeah, that's good. I wouldn't have picked that. 22 left. Oh, good, thank you. Yes, 22, yeah. Until we all kill ourselves at age 60.

That's what we're saying, isn't it? No, no, we all kill ourselves when you're 60. Oh, okay, right, right. Oh, that's worked out well for Hammo. A few more years than I expected. Yeah, you did. Yeah, it worked out great. All right, I'll set up a Facebook invite for the Westgate right now. Yeah, well, for Hammo. A few more years than I expected. Yeah, you do. Great. All right. I'll set up a Facebook invite for the Westgate right now.

Yeah, thank you. I went and did gigs for a gig for 14 to 17-year-old scouts at the start of the year and it was a cracking gig. What? Cracking scouts from 14 to 17 years old? Well, about 350 boys and girls who were at the gig and they were hilarious. Like they were really into it.

I turned down about 50 minutes and then afterwards I was talking to about eight or nine kids who were about 16 and we were talking. They said, how long have you been in comedy? I said, about just over 20 years. And they were like, oh my God, how old are you? And I said, I'm 42. And the kids all looked at each other and looked at me and went, oh man, you are in good shape.

And I thought if someone had told me at the start of the year hanging out with some 16 year old boys would be great for my self-esteem, I would have said, I don't want to host the collectors. But usually it's the other way. It could have been a worse story if it was the other way around. Usually the story the other way around is someone comes into the Scouts and goes, you boys look good for your age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the perfect storm story.

Sorry, I interrupted. No, I was going to say it was on the back of those stories that you were pulling out. Yeah, a while back when I was a single man, I once went home with a girl and, oh, okay, Claire's walking out. No, no, just checking on the baby. I'm loving the story, but I'm just really, I'm mystified. My baby should have woken up about ten minutes ago and I don't know why she hasn't.

Look, I'm sure your baby Azari is fine. Just relax. He made a joke about my baby dying. My baby's just bored to shit by this podcast. She'll be snoozing a long time. She really, yeah, she's sleeping longer than usual and well done, boys.

Something soothing about these horses. You know what she did? She woke up, she heard the Spanish ham story and went, oh, for fuck's sake, again. Rolled over. Wait, what's the baby's name? Penelope? I think if you were going to say Spanish ham, I'd go, there is no baby, is there?

It's in the fridge. Too many callbacks. It's like a Christopher Nolan film. If you ever do a no-show for a gig, it should be, oh, Justin Spanish Hamilton. He's done it again. Pick a gig and I won't turn up to it, but don't make it one of yours. But we'll make sure that you're going to be there so you can do it.

Yeah, great. I'll do the comedy clock. I'm more than happy not to turn up for that one. Truth bomb. Yeah, her name's Penelope, but Adam Richard calls her Fat Tony. That one stuck. I called her Fat Tony. What the fuck?

I called her Fat Tony for a few weeks and that's what Adam's. You can't call your baby Fat Tony. That one stuck. I called her Fat Tony. What the fuck? I called her Fat Tony for a few weeks and that's what Adam's... Can I call your baby Fat Tony? Oh, but she was pretty... Is that a confirmation? She was pretty chunky. Right. And she also put a couple of wax on some other babies as well, right? Well, she had this real like, you know, like you'd sit her up

but she was still a baby so she sort of slumped forward with her hands on her thighs, her big fat hands on her big fat thighs, with a really grumpy look on her face. She was really fat, Tony. She's like... She's a fruit-er as well, isn't she? I'm not too, yeah. Sorry.

I want to hear... I'm sorry. I want to hear Carl's nailing it story. Speaking of babies in the process of making... No. Carl got a reward. Commander of the Segway. So I went home with this girl once and I woke up in the morning

and it was that sort of thing where it's like, you know, she was pretty, obviously pretty happy with her catch. So she was going, yeah, what do you want to do now? And whatever. I'm like, oh, not much. I sort of want to go home. Then she, all of a sudden she goes, oh, anyway, they're coming around soon.

I'm like, what do you mean? Oh, did I say before? Like I've invited my friends around so you can meet them and everything. I'm like, I just met this girl the night before. I'd woken up first thing that morning. She'd gone, oh, you can meet the friends. Anyway, so she's got her best friends around the house in the lounge room going and she'd come in to the bedroom and I'm just pretending I'm like really hungover,

really sick and she's going, you can come out and meet'm just pretending I'm like really hung over, really sick. And she's going, you can come out and meet him. And I'm like, oh, I reckon I'm too sick. I reckon I'm just going to stay here. And I'm thinking, I'm just going to ride this out. I'm just going to stay. I'm going to try and sleep and pretend I'm really sick. I don't want to come out and meet these people.

I barely remember this girl's name that I was with. And so anyway, she's going in and out of the kitchen and whatever and coming back in and going, anyway, they're really excited to meet you if you want to come out and meet them. And I'm like, yeah, look, I'm just really sick. I just don't think I can face them. Anyway, all of a sudden my phone starts ringing. I start getting texts from the guy and the girl in the lounge room, her friends. This girl's given my number to them and they're ringing me going.

Like she's on a podcast or something. They're ringing going, are you going to be okay? Come out. Come out and meet us. And I'm like, oh, no, I think I'm going to spew. No, I'm no good. Anyway, they stayed around the whole time. Like it was just this weird stakeout game of chicken thing.

It was dark the next night before I gave up and went. It was dark. It was like 7 o'clock at night. So you were in bed for like a full day? Yes. Wow. Yes. It was 7 o'clock. Did you get a bit hungry in your tum- full day? Yes. Wow. Yes. It was seven o'clock.

Did you get a bit hungry in your tum-tum? I don't know. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go out there. He's sick, remember? Yeah, yeah, exactly. In the park. And he was the guy that pissed the bed.

That is. So it was seven o'clock and then I go, they're not going to get me out of this. I'll just piss the bed. And they'll be so repulsed that they won't want to meet me. And then I get to roll around in my piss the rest of the day. So anyway. How much fake tan did you have on?

Then Carl appears in the lounge room doorway with a giant wet patch on the front of his dags. So it's seven o'clock. All right, I'm out now. I lose the game. I go out and eventually have to see them. But it's seven o'clock and so I'm just like, oh, anyway, I've got to. And they're like, oh, well, that was good to meet you. Ha, ha, ha.

You've been sick a long time. And I'm like, yep, okay. What now? And then I just walked home. I was just like, all right, well, I've got to go now and just spent all day trying to hide out from these people. That's so weird. And did you ever see that girl again?

I did a few times. So he went back. No. Without the friends. Without the friends. I'm deep in this thing now as well. Like I don't want to do the wrong thing by Gary and Sally over there, if that's their name.

I remember just walking down the street in darkness going, what have I been doing for 24 hours? This is insane. Oh, my God. But didn't you just, when you were younger, didn't you do those weird things when you... Yeah. Sorry, just the end of the story.

When you got yourself in a mess, you would just do the weirdest things to avoid social awkwardness. those weird things when you... Yeah. But this is... Sorry, just the end of the story. When you've gotten yourself in a mess... Yeah. You would just do the weirdest things to avoid social awkwardness. Like I remember not weeing for fully, I reckon nearly 24 hours for that same reason. I was just like, I don't want to ask these... I don't know who these people are. I don't want to ask them where the toilet is. I'm just going to...

And I didn't sleep all night. Like I sat... I spent the whole night sitting up so that I didn't wean myself. Great story. But it always ends up being like you then tell someone, you tell a friend as soon as you're out of it and they go, why didn't you just do that? And you're like, oh, yeah.

Well, this is me. So I'd gone to this girl's house like, you know, two in the morning, whatever it was the night before. So I didn't know where I was. Oh, yeah. So then I just get out and go, anyway, I've got to go, guys, and just start walking. And I'm walking in the dark as well.

So at 7 o'clock it's dark. I'm walking down the street going I don't know where I am because it wasn't like a main street so I couldn't and this is before the iPhone or anything like that. So I'm walking in the darkness and I remember ringing my friend and just going I feel like I'm in your neighbourhood sort of like within a couple of suburbs

and just looking at landmarks and going where do you reckon I am? I've just seen a statue of Prince Philip or something. Where do you reckon I am? I'm on a street and there's houses and trees. Big trees. How crazy was it though before you had GPS on your phone when you could get lost?

Like the world was a mystery. Especially when you go overseas and it was an adventure. Yeah, it was so good. I still don't get the data when I go overseas because I like, I actually enjoy the activity of trying to find my way to places. You do your planning in the hotel room. You do your planning in the hotel. You work out where you've got to go and you stick to it. Yeah, I actually enjoy the activity of trying to find my way to places. You do your planning in the hotel room. You do your planning in the hotel. You work out where you've got to go and you stick to it.

Yeah. I love it. Can I ask you a question? Can I go and get Fat Tony? Yeah, yeah, sure. Can I ask you this first? Yeah, go on. So this is what I've been wondering for the last week, last couple of days.

So you gave me a text the other day and you're saying, hey, because I run a couple of gigs, you know, as I've mentioned on the show before, Ball and Hotel, comedy on Thursdays and comedy explained on Mondays. Sold out last night. Yes. I was going to come down and then, long story. Yeah. I heard it was great.

Yeah. So I got a text from you during the week saying, hey, I'm ready to sort of try out some new material if you've got any spots or whatever. I did not write that. Oh, I think you did. No, I just read, I think I said, ready for some 2015 gigs now. That's all.

I kept it really short. That's right. But you also sent a picture of yourself looking very happy along with the message. And then I wrote, new phone, who is this? And then you said, it's Claire Hooper and sent your details. And I was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't write, it's Claire Hooper. I went into my And I was like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't write it's Claire Hooper. I went into my phone. I got my own contact and I shared my contact with you. Okay, all right. What I was trying to bring up now is I couldn't figure out whether you're in on the joke or not. And I was like... Yeah, I was.

Are you in on the joke? Because you realise you've sent me a picture of your face. I don't need your number to know who you are. Yeah, I know. It was great. Your joke was awesome. And then I'm like... I met my mum and dad and Wade's in the pool

and I'm like, all right, okay, he's done a good one there. What do I come back with? And I just shared you my contact. Yeah, you did me because I was sitting there thinking, oh, this is going to be a more... And then there was a long delay and I was like, sweet, I've left him unable to reply. And then you, yeah, it was a good exchange.

I did not realise you didn't know I was in on the joke. I couldn't figure it out. Oh, there's nothing better than an exchange getting derailed. Like someone will go, you dickhead and you go, oh, you fuck with it and they go, oh, were you okay? Yeah. I reckon this is going to become a more frequent occurrence on this podcast as you get closer to 60. Just you

saying to guests, I didn't understand your text message. Yeah, but it was a sweet text. It was like, I'm just going to ask Carl for some gigs. How shall I do it? Send a close-up picture of my own face and write, ready for some gigs. I thought that was a great way to ask. That's great.

And, you know, and then... Please, everyone that has my phone number out there, of which there are a million, please send a picture of your face. Make sure it's just a picture of your face. And then I think I also also wrote got that shot in one take it was a very bad photo but i didn't have much storage left on my phone i was like i'm not gonna waste it taking a whole lot of reverse selfies i'm just gonna send the first one what we're talking about what we're talking about uh uh my phone number being out there can i just

now i very very rarely do you want to know i want. But I want you to know... You know, Wade's... We were at a wedding. We were at Xavier Michaelides' wedding. Justin Hamilton just took a picture of Claire. That's why she had to... He didn't. What he did was he took a close-up of his own eye while pretending to take...

I'm sending it to Carl now. I'm sending it to Carl now. No, it was Xavier Michaelides' wedding and a friend asked him to take a photo of the three of them and Wade gave the phone back and they'd just left the room and he'd taken 20 at least photos of himself in reverse. A great move.

But not even took a photo of them. Like none. Just took a whole lot of photos of himself. A very fun thing to do, especially to strangers when you're like at a music festival or whatever, people are like, can you take this photo? You just like flick the camera around onto the front one and you just get just with a fixie yourself before you give it back.

That would be a sweet gig if you're a wedding photographer and you just turn up and just do that the whole day. What you need to know is Wade was having a lie down on the bed in the sleep when I took the selfie of my own face and I very nearly framed it so that there was just a bit of him chest out, right? You should have. No, I should have, but then I had it

and I really was going to, but then I just thought it might really confuse the message. Ready for some gigs? You know what I mean? Like to have a nude man lying in the background. You confused him enough

just as it was. Just with a bit of rapport. But what I'm promising you now, Carl, is I'll make sure I send you a photo of Wade sleeping sometime with no message attached. Hang on, I'm promising you now, Carl, is I'll make sure I send you a photo of Wade sleeping sometime with no message attached. Hang on, I'm just getting a text message from... From Justin...

From some open mic and wanting some gigs, just... I think he sounds pretty promising. I hear he's 18 years of being 60. All right, I'll book you in for your 60th birthday gig. Oh, that would be awesome. So, look, someone has been messaging me, a listener to the show called Sam Watt. It's his actual 18th birthday today.

So I said I would give him a shout out. Today when we're doing this or today when the episode goes up? Today when we're doing this. Okay. So it's close enough. Happy birthday for Friday, Sam. Yes. So he's turning 18 or he's 18 and it's his 19th?

He's turning 18. He's turning 18.'s his 19th? He's turning 18. He's turning 18. Turning 18. Well played. I hope you've worked out who you're going to vote for, who you're going to drink and, you know. He said he's been listening since he was 15 and he said to suck up and get on the show.

We have had such a bearing on his formative years. Oh, that poor kid. We feel sorry for you. We're going to get a trust fund. We're going to help you through this. How long until he grows out of us is what I want to know. Well, he says, you know, this would be good to get a shout-out on the podcast. It's still a better make-a-wish than Dassolo.

Birth shout-out on a podcast still beats shit 90s laptop. Yeah, well, he's definitely a proper fan. Yeah. And also I felt this put me over the edge today. He sent me a message saying, look, I lost my L's. I have no identification for my first legal weekend. Now I'm sitting at a Vic Rhodes hungover as fuck with my mother eating a McChamp burger.

Oh, good on you, Sammy. Good on you, Sammy. That sounds like the natural progression from teenage years to adulthood. I'm going to go get a baby for you, Sam. Yeah, all right. I'll tell this. It's sort of a bit of a Spanish ham of a present Not really much of one

You just reminded me of your story About going home with that girl I've heard a very very similar story About a guy Who was He was out and he was drunk And he was pretending to be A German backpacker

Just putting on an accent He's Ausser, like just putting on an accent. He's not. He's Aussie, right? Right. He's putting on an accent to try and impress this girl. Goes home with her. Same thing. She's got a family barbecue happening the next day.

She thinks he's German. So he then has to go and converse sober with strangers in this German accent. So he had to. It was like this impro game that just went horribly awry. So consider yourself lucky that you weren't in that position but it wasn't some kind of lie that you had to make. I've got a guy that I...

He should have stayed in bed. Yeah. I've got a guy that I know that used to do this. He was from Maribor and he would come down to Melbourne for the weekend and he would stay in backpackers in hostels and pretend to be foreign so that, you know, he could meet girls and whatever and he would pretend to be German and come down and put on this German accent to meet girls and whatever. And he'd pretend to be German and come down and put on this German accent

to meet girls and whatever, which was insane. But on top of that, he wasn't even Australian. Like he was already from the Philippines already. Oh, right. From the Philippines. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, you don't need, why are you changing countries? You've already got one hook.

Like, what are you doing? But, you know, those German Filipino men, they are fucking out of the – anyway. You know – Did you just say that because you realised you'd sworn in front of a baby? Yes, it was actually. We now have a baby. We've got a baby in the room. This is not your first baby on the podcast and I'm sorry to bring another baby.

Fat Tony. I hope we're not turning people off, you younger demo. But can I also say that bringing her out of the bedroom as she heard your voices, it was very interesting because she has heard the podcast a lot but she's never seen your faces. So she's got to see what the boys look like. She looks revolted. She's heard enough.

She looks a bit confused. That's why Penelope uses that donate button on the website. She's been listening for a while now. How long until she kicks in some... Hey, we've got to make a living penny as well. All right. Get on it. I have to say that what I was going to say about that guy coming down

and pretending to be German, aren't you rolling the dice pretending to be German at a backpacker's? Yeah, yeah. Like isn't that the best chance to get caught out with something like that? Yeah, yeah. And if you stay in a backpacker and you're Australian, you're the foreign entity there. You know, like everyone else is German and Dutch and whatever.

Like you're the novelty, surely. Sorry, I may have missed it, but have we marvelled at the fact that he picked German as the sexy accent? Right. Yeah, yeah. That's bizarre as well. Like don't the Germans get told to make their dishwashing roster? Like they're not the ones that get a sweet booty, are they?

When you hear the language of love, you don't often think of the oink sounds. But then again, I don't really know what the Filipino accent does for sexiness either. I'm not really sure. It doesn't have its own cliche. No, it doesn't have an attached cliche.

You'd think it would be better than German, wouldn't it? Don't get me wrong. My sister-in-law is German, she's an awesome girl, it's a great accent but it's just… If you're going to go one, surely you go French. It's not the one where you… But it's like one of those things… You go French, you go Spanish, you go Irish.

Or if you don't have an accent, you go Spanish ham. I'd go Japanese just to really mix it up. I'd go Inuit. He's a Filipino dude with a German accent. So to me that's like that thing where if you meet a guy that has lived in Japan his whole life, but originally he's from Australia and all of a sudden you've got that look, that Australian look and then the Japanese voice.

The two just clash. The two look very confusing. I don't know if it's a thing that helps you to pick up. It's just confusing. You just look at it and hear it and go, what's going on? What's happening? This has been dubbed very badly. Can I just say this very quickly?

I did a gig, I did a trial show a couple of weeks ago with Nazeem Hussein, who I mentioned before. He did a bit where he was trying to do a Brazilian accent and he couldn't work out how to do it. And he asked of the audience, what's the Brazilian accent? As if that's a question that can just be easily answered in six seconds by someone in the crowd. I thought that was a great bit of crowd work that I really enjoyed.

Hey, before we wrap this up, let me just... Did he get a good... Does he have a good... Like, what's a good Brazilian accent? Isn't there some sort of joke about, you know, whatever it is, it's not said through whiskers or something, you know? Like, oh, all right. Nothing. Nothing.

Okay. I did what he talked over, but also I couldn't quite get it out. It's something about not talking through whiskers, you know, like whatever it is, you know. Whatever it is, it's clean shaven, something like that. Yeah. All right. I get it, yeah.

Sorry, Penny. You know what? While you were trying to work out what was going on then Penny was looking up at you with these eyes that were saying, you can get there mummy Also, I just thought about how much of a good man Nazeem is and how his religion probably wouldn't encourage

him to make shaved veg jokes so he's really What religion does encourage you to say those jokes? Oh, well, whatever they have in Brazil, I suppose. We got there. Let me just go very back quickly to mum and dad at full.

So they watched my kids and then I just kind of spent the day walking around with them and, you know, I think parents in general, you don't quite know what you're going to get out of them on a day-to-day basis. I think that becomes truer as they get older. I thought they might be great or Dad's leg might be playing up and it might be a disaster.

It turned out to be they were just happy to just walk around and see because that sort of thing didn't exist when they were, you know. Oh, man. When you've been to every other type of zoo. Yeah. Yeah. Like as people that are not of that music festival world, clearly they were not like Woodstock kids if they don't own CDs.

That would have been fascinating. What's wrong with that boy's eyes? What is that girl wearing? Why does she smell of that? Why aren't they playing Ebba songs? So I took them down to there's like a little arts village at that thing where they have like kind of tiny little stages with just kind of – so we walk in there and we're just looking around.

There's lots of little just knick-knacks and stuff to look at, which they were enjoying a lot. And then an acrobatic troupe kind of started up on the stage in the arts village, which, you know, I was like, this is cool. We'll stand here and watch this and people doing backflips and stuff. This will be cool. You're talking about your parents like they're your toddlers. Yeah, kind of are. That should entertain them for a while.

Well, I go and play the pokies, yeah. So they enjoyed that and then it started to rain a little bit. How did you know they enjoyed it? Did they clap their hands and smile? Yes, they did. Yeah. And then it started raining and the acrobat thing finished

and a guy comes out on stage and goes, hey, guys, thanks for sticking around and watching that. You know, if you want to get out of the rain, in this tent over here in like two minutes, we've actually got a drag show starting, if anyone wants to come and watch that. Dad way too quickly goes, yeah, let's go and do that. So I go, all right.

So I go and sit in this tiny tent with them. It was this act that's like a kind of a hair metal backing band and then this dude comes out dressed as a mermaid. Like he's got the full, like he can't walk, he has to like hop out. He's gone the full mermaid. He's gone the full mermaid. Yeah. And he's like.

The full mermaid is really only half mermaid anyway. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I've seen them go the half mermaid and that's my goal. Full mermaid is a fish but he's sitting there and he's it was very weird

because that's the moment when it's such a small, it's a tent like the size of this room and there's just kids looking at me going what is that guy doing here with two old people why is this happening? They're trying to work out where the show is is it the mermaid or is it the guy with his parents? I'm getting tense because I'm going something's going to happen here.

Dad's going to get pulled up on stage and he's going to get a lap dance from the mermaid. Yeah, again. I would like to see that happen. And it was like that thing of watching a sex scene on a film with your parents where you're way more tense about it than they are. Yeah. Like it starts up and the guy's just going, he's, you know,

making jokes about how he got his dick sucked by a piranha and stuff like that. And I'm just, I just pull the rip cord. That comes out and I go, nah, sorry, let's go, hey, let's go do something else. And mum and dad are both like, aw, like they really wanted to stay and watch it. Hey, that's some fucking classic dick piranha sucking material.

I want to hear that joke. So anyway, in answer to what their favourite band was, it probably would have been that. Instead of the National and Boy and Bear, she'd just gotten them tickets to the Greyhound on a Sunday or something. Probably would have been more up their alley. I once ended up watching porn with my mother and father-in-law. It was very awkward.

Full-on porn? Yeah. It was just, you know, Tosh.0. You know the way Tosh.0, that Foxtel show, just plays clips of stuff and then he makes jokes off the back of it. It was like an outtake from some homemade porn. I've never seen that played on Tosh.0. You know, usually it's much more moderate, kid-friendly stuff.

Yeah, it was just the opening bit was the opening bit of the show. And it went on for ages. That's a bold opener. He only plays short clips at least. So we'll just stay quiet and this will be over soon. And it just went on for ages. You know, when I was about 23, which was 37 years of 60, I went back home to my mum's place to have dinner.

And she said, hey, I've got a video. Do you want to watch it? And I went, oh, yeah, sure, okay. So I'm eating and she puts on this video and when she presses play she gets the giggles and runs off and I'm like, where the fuck is she going? And then on the TV screen, three naked men, there's two on their hands and knees next to a spa, a guy in the spa with hoses and he sticks

the hoses up the guy's bum, turns on the water, pulls the hoses out and then they shoot water out of their arses for about three to four feet. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And it turned out that my mum had a gay hairdresser, which I've never heard of before, who was going overseas and he didn't want his family to find his gay porn. So he said to my mum, can you look after it? And she said, no worries. And then she thought, well, how bad can it be?

And she turned it on and went, that is full on, I'm going to fuck up my son. I thought you were going to say your mum was like, oh, that's too soft again. That's too soft. Jesus Christ. Yeah, get a bit hard, boys. So anyway, so I go home.

This is the boy and bear of gay porn. Right. Right. Literally. Works very well. So I go home and I used to live with a share a place with a basketball called Brett Wheeler. He's about six foot ten. Lovely guy. I come

home and he's like, hey, how's it going? Yeah, pretty good. He said, what have you been doing tonight? And I said, oh God, I just went over to mum's house and before I could say anything more he said, if you're going to talk about that gay porn, I don't want to fucking talk about it. Because he used to train around the corner from my mum's place and he had a break and he thought

I might go and see Justin's mum. He's gone over, mum said, do you want to watch a video? Done exactly the same thing to him. He's gone back to training and he's really shaken by it and while they're kind of taping their ankles and getting ready, one of the basketballers is saying to his mate, I've heard that surfers sometimes are out in the water for so long

they get water up them and then they can shoot it out their arses and they're all going, oh, that can't happen, and Wheeler's going to go, ah, and then stopped himself because it's like, how do you explain? I was over at my flatmate's house, mum's house, watching some gay porn and I know that's a fact. Hang on, I'm just getting a text from your mum with a picture of her asking me for gigs.

Well, that's her opener. Claire, I'm going to say to you what I said to you a couple of weeks ago. Please play this podcast at Penelope's 18th. You bet. Oh, no, she loves it. It's clearly kept her sleeping so I'm going to play it to put her to sleep every night. Well, guys, that is it. It's clearly kept her sleeping, so I'm going to play it to put her to sleep. Well, guys, that is just about all the time we have for this week

on The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Justin Hamilton, thank you very much for joining us. Claire Hooper, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks for having me. Penelope Hooper, thank you very much for joining us. Oh, she's PJ Duffin, actually. She's a Duffin. Oh, PJ Duffin.

Oh, I let him have something. And you guys have both got shows in the comedy festivals coming up? Yes, the 20th and 21st of Feb, I'm in Perth. It looks like those two shows are going to sell out. We'll hopefully have a third one on sale soon. The Adelaide Fringe, beginning of March for two weeks and then the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I'm doing the beginning of March for two weeks.

That's awesome. Oh, in Adelaide? Yes. Oh, great. That's good. Oh, good times. And your shows are called? It's called Snacks.

Snacks! And it even comes with its own song. Snacks! I'll eat every one of comes with its own song. Snacks! I'll eat every one of them. Nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Which, coincidentally, you were singing at midnight on New Year's.

For the last five years. And Claire? Yeah, I've got a show. It's called School Camp. It's really good. I saw it during the Melbourne Fringe. One long story with a couple of tangents and probably the best show I've seen you do.

Oh, aren't you lovely? No, I actually, that's a fact. That's not me just being nice. I thought it was a cracking show. Oh, thanks. I have also done some bad ones. So it's, you know, whatever. But, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.

Your mum can't take a compliment, Penny. No, but, you know, like I've never been ready this far ahead either. To have done it in Fringe and now all I've got is like, you know, months and months of tinkering with it. That's pretty exciting. You feel really ready to get started on the festivals. So come and see it. Come and see it because I've got a baby.

I have to do it at 9.30 at night and my manager's like, you won't sell tickets at 9.30 at night. So if you could come and see my show, that would be really nice. Just to prove the manager wrong. Just to prove the manager wrong. We've got our shows on sale for Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne, the season passes and all that stuff at littledumbdumbclub.com. I've got my show on sale for Perth and Brisbane,

Cutie Pie, as well as Melbourne, and very quickly. Surely, surely my tickets will be on sale at some stage for Melbourne. Are you having that with Melbourne as well? Some stage before April, you'd hope. Yeah, or after, whatever. Very quickly, I'd like to plug for people that are in that region because I know there are at least two who've tweeted me before. I'm doing the very first night of my brand-new show, Cutie Pie, this Friday night, the 23rd, I believe,

at the Waratah Surf Lifesaving Club. Yep. So, yeah, if you're in the region, come down. So you are going to do it? I'm going to come down as well. Oh, unreal. And Hamilton's going to do snacks as well. He's going to do snacks at the Waratah Surf Lifesaving Club.

So we'll do Cutie Pie and snacks back to back, and then we might do a third bracket where we just rag on arseholes. That'll be a special little bracket right there. Yeah, cool. Great. Thanks very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.