The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 225 - Nazeem Hussain & Dilruk Jayasinha

Episode Date: January 27, 2015

Tommy's Address, Dil's Diet and #RIPKarlChandler. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, we are about to head around the country and do all sorts of live shows for you. What have we got, Carl? First of all, Brisbane, March 1st. We've got the live podcast up there and then you've got... I've got my solo show, Cutie Pie, that is happening at the Brisbane Powerhouse from March 3 until 9. Tickets for my show are at TommyDassolo.com. Tickets for the podcast at LittleDumbDumbClub.com. And then... Adelaide, March 15. Yeah, we do the live podcast there plus straight after that,

that's in the afternoon. At night I do the first ever performance of Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian at about 8.30 at night. I do my first ever performance of eating at all of the bakeries in one night and dying in a gutter. Is that your first or? I've never done them all. Oh, right.

I've done multiple in one night but I've never gone to all of them. All right, let's do that. So finally do it. And then we come back to Melbourne and we've got every Sunday night of the Comedy Festival live Little Dum Dum Club podcasts, culminating in the final night drunk cast, the now infamous unrecorded drunk cast that you can only get into with a ticket to one of the other podcasts,

plus our solo shows all through the festival. I'm at 7pm at the Imperial doing my show Cutie Pie. I'm at 9.45 with my show, Carl Chandler, World's Greatest and Best Comedian. And all this stuff, you can find tickets and the links for at littledumbdumbclub.com. It's such a fun time of the year to meet you guys and

see the people who listen to the show. And yeah, if you want to give back for all this free content, all of your nice little free funny hour that you get every week, that's your way of giving back. And like Tommy said, we'd love to see you down there. Yeah. All right.

We'll see you there, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We had a little milk bar stop before the show today, didn't we?

Yeah, it was the best. And got a little ice cream. Yeah, yeah. What did you have? We're all treated up. We're all treated up. Yeah. Hey, speaking of treats, actually.

Yes. We. This podcast. Yes. Congratulations, everyone. You've got diabetes. Hey, so. You know, we've got the donate button now, right, on the show? It's on our website in case – it's nice if people come up to festival season,

if they pay us back for all the hours of entertainment that they've had for free off us, they come along and they come to the show and that's much appreciated. If you're out in a remote area or we don't do a live show near you or whatever, people have got the donate button. We've got a listener that has done this this week. Now, what we've got is a listener from the UK, one of our listeners from the UK, at Bruiser on Twitter.

He sent us gift vouchers just for us to do whatever we want. It's like little gifts. Yeah, we were talking, was this a little while ago where he had Qantas points? Yeah. And you can get gift vouchers with that. So we've got gift's like little gifts. Yeah, we were talking, was this a little while ago where he had Qantas points? Yeah. That he could get and you can get gift vouchers with that. Yeah. So we've got gift vouchers this week. We've got like JB gift voucher.

JB Hi-Fi. JB Hi-Fi. How much have we got at JB Hi-Fi? $25. $25. What are we getting at, what are we splitting at JB Hi-Fi for $25? A few singles. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah. A few VHS head cleaners maybe? Yeah. We should buy a movie and we watch it together and we talk about it on the podcast, Carl. Oh, yuck. And then kill ourselves. Cool.

But there's – yeah, we also got like – he also gave us gift vouchers for like other shops and stuff. I think we got three gift vouchers. So like this is – I think I've brought this up on the show before. Like I've seen this on the internet before where porn stars will just put out a – Oh, yeah, their Amazon wish list. Their Amazon wish list. Yeah, yeah.

So that's what we should do. We've got these gift vouchers now. Let's put out an Amazon wish list for listeners just to send us – Like a proper career? Who the fuck are you? Stop talking. A better guest? Can we put that on a wish list?

That's a good idea Yeah mate We should just We should just try it And see if people do it Let's get a wish list going Okay What's number one on your wish list?

Well let's go easy Let's go The best mousse you can find That's an easy one for me But then That's got to turn up in the post Or you want someone to deliver it to your house That's their problem Not mine I know But then that's got to turn up in the post or you want someone to deliver it to your house.

That's their problem, not mine. I know they've got a lot of stuff on Amazon. I don't think they've gotten into frozen desserts yet. Well, let's not limit it to Amazon. Okay. Yeah. Because, you know, at a live show, and this is something that happened at one of the Melbourne shows, a girl came up that sort of didn't, nearly didn't even introduce herself, just came up and went, here's some moose.

And then just walked away like some ghost. Yeah. up and went here's some moose and then just walked away like some ghost yeah and it was this bucket of moose and I was like that's pretty funny visual just this huge bucket

like not a little container a bucket of moose and then I went home and this is like a minute before the gig starts I was just after the gig oh I was just after the gig so you've been sitting on the moose

during the gig so so then I open apart from it being a funny visual I open the moose it's the funny visual, I open the moose. It's the best moose I've ever had. Right. So I want, whoever you are out there, mystery moose woman,

please get me more of that because that was amazing. Give me more of that. Yeah. You didn't bother to look at the label to find out where you can get this or you just. I just forgot. You've just given up. I just entered a world where I thought this is going to happen every week.

Every time you step into the street, someone's just there with a Choccy Moose for you. That's it. All right, we'll get it going. Let's do it this week. We'll put it up and people can bring their stuff to the festival show. This is going to change our whole life. Number one on your list, rent, maybe? Yeah, at the moment, that'd be good.

Today on the show, two returning guests. First of all, you know him from Stand Up at Bella Union. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dilruk Jai Singer. Hello. Hello, Dumb Dumb listeners. What if you were going to make an Amazon wish list, what would be on it? What would be number one on it? Carbs. Abs. Yeah, that'll do. Abs.

Can I just quickly say at the top, this has been on my mind for a while. I listen to the episodes after it's recorded and stuff and I always come off as being… That's the only option that you have. Well done for using time properly. Well, listen, Beckett, I always sound so… Fuck you, Stephen Hawking. This guy's gone to one-way street for him.

I always sound so angry and aggressive and I always swear a lot and I think that's what YouTube bring out in me. So I'm going to try my best to be the nice, sweet guy that I actually am. Nah, fuck you. See? Also joining us from Triple J and Legally Brown, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club Nazeem Hussain. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with your address and Google Maps?

You've probably talked about it before. I know. No, we haven't really talked about it. I have a... So we're recording at your house at the moment. Recording at my house and this is a thing... You live at Rowe Street. Don't read out the name.

I have lots of houses on this street. I thought about that. Rowe. R-O-W-E. Don't get out the... Did you guys go to Rowe Street? Fitzroy in Victoria, right? Honestly, what are the chances?

They've got like one in a hundred? There's another street in this suburb that has a very similar name and if you put my street into Google Maps, Google Maps goes... It's between 40 and 60. Yeah. No, stop giving out...

Stop this. I'm joking, I'm joking. You guys have the option of editing so if you keep it in, you actually kind of want people to find you. But this, God, it's hard to edit out something when it's right at the start. We introduce you and then you just say nothing and then suddenly we're on another topic.

Let's watermark this throughout the entire episode so you can't cut it out. Anyway, so I put in Roe, R-O-W-E. Stop saying the name of it. It took me to freaking Rose. Even though you warned me in the text, I might accidentally take you to Rose, took me to Rose.

Nazeem, this is why Ezio is after you all the time. You keep like... I give him my coordinates all the time. So I went to this freaking stupid place and there's a... I hate your area. I hate hipsters, but honestly, everyone hates hipsters.

But I went there and there was this trendy cafe, sat there for a bit and I thought I'd have a coffee before I come into your non-house. In Rose Street. In Rose Street. It was actually Rose.

Yeah. And between 40 and 60. Oh, God. This conversation happened to be the next table. I'm not making this up. There was a table of four people, and there were two guys with beards and two cool, trendy chicks. One of them was a little bit goth.

And one guy says to this couple, to the other couple, and he goes, so how do you guys know each other? The guy leans over to the girl and they start making out for about five seconds and then he gets back and he goes, yeah, we do know each other. We didn't actually answer the question. They just made out. What the hell kind of neighbourhood do you live in? I didn't know. You don't actually live in that neighbourhood.

Yeah, so that's when you're at the wrong – man, I should move into that street. I didn't know Nazeem was sitting behind me. Yeah, so that's where you – That's where I went. That's when you were at the wrong – man, I should move into that street. How do you know Nazeem was sitting behind me? Yeah, imagine. Imagine a deal making out with someone. Just like morning coffee, beard on goth. Beard on goth? Beard on goth, yeah. How do you guys know each other?

They just make out. Yeah, we do know each other pretty well. Yeah. Didn't answer the question. Yeah, that's a bad other pretty well. Yeah. Didn't answer the question. Yeah, that's a bad answer to the right question, let alone the wrong question. Yeah. Yeah, what is the right question that warrants that making out?

How well do you guys know each other? Yeah. Pretty well. Do you guys make out? Yeah. Can I watch? Yeah. I need to come.

What can you do for me where does Tommy Dassolo live they start making out you're like this gives us no information stop stop it man you know

the last episode you were on we talked about Dass I let my phone number out on the internet. I'm constantly getting phone numbers. You just reminded the listeners that if you listen to earlier podcasts, you'll get Carl Chandler's phone number. Yeah.

Yeah. And my number is 1-800-ROSE-STREET between 40 and 60. Oh, God. There you go, Tommy. I mean, the stakes are higher for me now with the address being out. I mean, it's one thing having your number and you deal with that annoyance. I'm now dealing with people come and knock on my window. See you, man.

Hey, dumb cunt. No, no, people don't do that because people just block their number for me and then ring me and then I get a blocked number. Who's ringing me with a blocked number apart from – they block the number then ring me and just I go, hello, Carl speaking and they just go, oh, well, I guess it is his number and hang's ringing me with a blocked number apart from they block the number then ring me and just I go hello Carl speaking and they just go oh well I guess it is

his number and hang up again. I thought it was too good to be true but no it really is him. Or what I like is they have the blocked

number and then they like muffle their voice and go oh hello is this Carl speaking and it's like oh no the blocked number was enough like I wasn't

going to trace you. You don't need to block your voice or anything. Yeah, but see, that's what I'm going to be dealing with now, but on my bloody front porch, just someone in a balaclava blocking their face. Is this Tommy's house? Is this really Tommy's house? I'm like, nah. Okay, good one, mate.

And then I close the door. Yeah, the equivalent of what happens in a car is someone knocking at the door, you opening, and then they just run away. Maybe talk into that mic just a little bit more if you could. Yeah, that'd be good. Hello. Yeah. One, two, 40 to 60, roaster.

Yep. No. So actually, speaking of that, so I still get, you know, phone calls. I still get text messages. Is it generally or from? Yeah, from people I know, but also from. Phones still not disconnected. Yes, correct.

I just want to bring that up because I thought that's an interesting take. I did... I was getting signed up for things a while back and I don't like to encourage that and I don't want to... Right. I thought you were getting signed up for like gigs and stuff. I know. Are you ready?

All this stuff going on. You get signed up for stuff, guys. Yeah, yeah. I've got a lot of bragging on this episode but yeah so I was getting I don't like to bring up when I get really stitched up

because I feel that encourages other people to do that to me but I did get a good one the other day which was I got a text from that says

your claim reference number S14DAT 208844 is being decided we will contact you soon very foolish giving out the full reference number on the podcast. I don't care.

You can submit further information at workcoverqueensland.com.au So someone's put in for me to get money from WorkCover in Brisbane. That's like someone getting a gift voucher. Yeah, yeah. Yes. I'm sort of like, that's really annoying. Hang on, I can only win from this.

Unless someone's made a claim against you and you're their fake employer. Oh. Someone busted a funny bone listening to the podcast. They can't come into work. My sister is a work cover lawyer if you need help. Oh, really? She does this thing called no win, no fee. Oh, yeah.

So you're a family of lawyers. Where does she live? What's her address? I'm a comedian. It's 1 to 100 City. It does say your claim. So it feels like this is my claim. Right, right.

You have lived in that flat, that comedy flat in Brisbane. So did anything bad happen there, Carl? Did anything untoward that you felt like needed to be complained? Well, not two years ago. That's a long claim. What if this ends up being a thing where you do get the money and you're like, great, and then work cover find out that it's a scam? Suddenly you're on a current affair.

They're handing you in the street. You're like, no, it was a prank that happened on my podcast, which just sounds like the most made-up excuse of all time. No, but it's that thing where you're at this level in comedy and someone goes, oh, what if you end up on a current affair? You go, awesome. Festival show. Is it close to festival time?

Between January and April? Star Channel's got talent. Star Channel in a Current Affair. Do not bring this podcast into disrepute. Yeah. Because it's Tommy's reputation as well. My reputation, my address. Yeah.

It's all great stuff. And I've sent him while he's staying at 40 to 60. That just makes it sound like I've got like a giant house. Like the address is literally 40 through 60. Yeah, you live in Meyer. Yeah. So we're in the – you're not drinking. You're on a diet at the moment, Dilraba.

Yeah, in a way. Yes, I am. What, – you're not drinking. You're on a diet at the moment, Dilraba. Yeah, in a way. Yes, I am. What, when you're asleep? Well, no, I've got my birthday coming up and I'm drinking from tomorrow onwards. When's your birthday? On Friday. But it's Tuesday now. So Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday I'll be drinking.

What's the date of your birthday? So you drink before in the lead up to – Yeah. Not afterwards. One day afterwards I'll just sort of have a karaoke. If you drink every day, then yes, you drink on the lead up to your birthday and after your birthday. No, but I've been trying to cut back as much as possible.

We hung out on Thursday night, last Thursday, while you were singing karaoke and I stayed sober. Can I ask, how is this not drinking? You've basically had like two days off. No, no. Okay, yeah. So I took a couple of weeks off and now I'm going to drink for my birthday and then I'm going to take some more time off again.

How long do you take off? Maybe until Comedy Fest, I think. Just sort of to try and, I don't know, my liver's breaking. You're saying this with a very serious face. Do you have like an actual drinking problem? I would say if I was a bit older people would say i have a drinking problem but because i'm 30 they're like oh he's yeah he's 30 he doesn't have any wife and kids it's a bit of fun yeah because you just got you you spent uh the christmas break over back home

yeah in sri lanka you've talked on this on the show before about it just sounds like you get off the planet it's just a non-stop booze session with your family. It essentially is. And like, well, this time as well, Dad decided to embrace the culture and my dad had like set up these really expensive bottles of scotch near my bedside table with like three glasses. Great parenting. So great. On your bedside table? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's like sort of where we hang out and drink. By your bed. In Dil's bed. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hang on, you and your dad get in your bed and drink. Hang on, you and your dad get in your bed and drink. Where everybody knows your name.

Under the covers. No pants on. I think I had a wet dream. No, I just spilt I had a wet dream. No, I just spilt the scotch, son. Oh, my God. No, but it's Dad's bedroom. And that's where the cricket, the big screen TV for the cricket is.

So we're just sitting. Literally, I get into a sarong and we put the cricket on and I just drink the whole time. So you and your dad are in these kind of well to westerners it would look like a couple of skirts in bed drinking alcohol from the TV. And my brother don't forget him. Sorry. No offence.

Well see my mum No no she's Muslim So she doesn't She doesn't drink at all Right She's away from that Haram She films it

But like If your mum's not getting involved In this situation That's a good ad For being Muslim Like it sounds like A very Common sense religion

To me This is what Islam needs These days Some good PR Exactly right Exactly right. And just on that, while we're talking about the religion of truth. But you know, it's interesting because mum still prays. So when I'm in Sri Lanka, I stay in the room that mum keeps all her stuff in.

And she still prays five times a day and all that. And so she wakes up for like, I think it's Sahar. Is that the first one? She prays that her son won't die at the age of 31 because of how much he's drinking. But yeah, she comes in to grab her prayer mat and stuff and it's always in the morning I'm just arguing with her because she doesn't understand what a hangover is.

So she's trying to speak to God and I'm like, he'll be fine. She's like, roll over so I can speak to dad. He'll be fine. Don't worry about it. She's like, roll over so I can speak to Dad. People want to know why ISIS are upset with the West. Did you guys get some early copies of Little House on the Prairie and decide to live your whole life like that? Just all your family are in the same bed from now on?

You know there's a show called Little Mosque on the Prairie as well? No, no, no. Is that a real thing? Yeah, it was a Canadian Muslim. Really? Little Mosque on the Prairie. On the Prairie? Sounds like a barrel of laughs.

It's a barrel of hello laughs. More like hello to me. He's done it. Someone must have done that. Someone must have run a gig called Halol Surely to God Halol Yeah So you're just drinking every

Yeah pretty much I was there for 18 days And I was I didn't drink for one On the plane And 16 of those days I was really drunk. And one morning I woke up, I spewed so hard that I actually burst a blood vessel in my eye.

So that question about you being an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah. I said, oh, he's just a bit of a larrikin at the age of 30. He drinks so much his eye explodes. You were literally blind drunk. Nah, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. His eyeball blew up.

It's just something to talk about at parties. It's not a problem if Dad's lying next to you at the time. With the burst of your drum. Oh, man. Sometimes you like it. It's good fun but some people like it. It's good fun. Yeah. It sounds like Vegas.

It sounds like the hangover. Yeah. Literally, yeah. So you're now sort of on a diet of sorts. You're not drinking. You're trying to cut down on what? Week one, I lost three and a half kilos. I think that's a good start.

Three and a half, yeah. Yeah, because what I've been doing is I've been – do you know that 5-2 diet that Xavier and Ben Lomas and all the other fat comedians are on at one point? Oh, it sounds like one of those celebrity diets. Go on, yes. Big boom for Xavier being lumped in the same category as Ben Lomas in the weight loss stakes. Jesus Christ.

But it's like, yeah, where you basically two days of the week you eat less than 600 calories and the other five days you eat normally. But for me, normally isn't good anyway. So on those days of, on the days I'm allowed to eat normally, I kind of eat like lentils and veggies and stuff. And I've been,

yeah, I've been going like cardio every day and stuff. So it's going on. What's cardio? 30 minutes on a cross trainer. I just thought I'll start slow. How often? Every day. Wow. So, except for today, I haven been going like cardio every day and stuff. So it's going on. What's cardio? What are you doing cardio? 30 minutes on a cross trainer. I just thought I'll start slow. How often? Every day. Wow. So except for today, I haven't done it.

So what do you have on your days off? On my days? Oh, wait, hang on. So off that diet. Now, sorry, I should have got to this. So normally the five days off, you eat whatever, like a normal human being. But because I binge eat, I thought on those days, I will do this other diet called the slow carb diet,

which is where you fill up on lentils, veggies and chicken and stuff, healthy stuff. But as part of that diet, you get one day off a week to eat whatever the fuck you want. How many rules and how many diets are involved here? Two diets and it's fine. But either way, I caught up with Tommy on Saturday on my day off for a burger, right? I was like, yeah, cool. I'm going to have a burger today.

It's my Saturday. And we meet up and what did you get? You got? I got a burger and a macaroni and cheese croquette. Right. Eyes bigger than my stomach. Finished the burger and went, no way I'm eating this croquette. And I said to you, do you want this or some of it?

And you were like, oh, I can't even really finish the burger. You were like three. And you were only three quarters of the way through. And I've seen you put away a some of it. And you were like, oh, I can't even really finish the burger. You were like three. And you were only three quarters of the way through. And I've seen you put away a lot of food. And I was going, what the fuck's wrong with Dilly? He can't even finish one hamburger. And then you tell me that today was your cheat day. And you go, since we got off the phone, I went to KFC.

I got Wicked Wings and popcorn chicken. Then I started walking up the hill to here and I got a thick shake on the way here. So that's what I've done since I got off the phone with you. And I go, that phone call was half an hour ago. That's your cheat day. That's like, cheats are a pretty soft word for that. It's like Tiger Woods cheat day. I like having an all extra family that I'm having in another state.

But you told me about then this is at like midday. Oh, yeah. And you just kept going. Yeah, so I went to the public bar gig afterwards and I had a crab burger and then I met up with my friend Seren and we went and got some biryani. So hang on, you didn't have enough room for your croquette, but then by the time you got to the next pub. We had a late night biryani.

That was not late night, that was 6pm. And then I went to the I was at the comedy club that night so then they gave me cake. Classic. Unless I have cake. You don't even specify, it's like

I just want 17,000 calories wherever I go. Head down to the comedy club and see Dill Rock Jasing is supported by Sarah Lee. The cake sits on stage for half an hour and then Dill comes out and eats it as the headline performance. I'm like a prop comic. It's not as much headline as dessert. And then on the way home I got some noodles Oh my god

It was a good day See going back to Hey do enough kilos It's working Whatever that Whatever the diet is doing Imagine if you didn't eat it like Like an art case

Yeah Well it's supposed to be scientifically That the idea is that With any diet If you keep it going Don't bring science into what you just said I'll hear this You're about to say So the reason you start What my understanding is The reason. Don't bring science into what you just said. I hear this. You're about to say.

So the reason you start, what my understanding is, the reason you start losing weight at first when you diet is that the body is not used to you getting less food and it starts like overworking and burning the fat that's stored. Whereas if it starts realizing, oh, this is now a normal pattern, it stops working as hard. So when you spike it once a week, it keeps working hard to try and burn. What a load of shit.

What happens if you spike it like five times a week keeps working hard to try and burn. What a load of shit. What happens if you spike it like five times a week? What happens if I? What happens if you keep spiking it? Yeah, then you'll become like this. You'll look like the guy next to you on the couch. This is like a buffet. You'll look like the guy next to you that's turning that couch into a seesaw at the moment how does that work

a seesaw goes up and down oh yeah yeah a broken seesaw speaking of which this is I feel like this is some sort of

like ploy right like you have the only two Sri Lankan comedians in the house yeah this is just so next week

we get taken down this is our Australia Day special if we don't make it out of this house The legacy's gone This is just so that next week We can be really racist on the show And then point to this episode

And go nah we love him So are our best mates Or whoever those blokes are So are our best mates Or Waleed Ali I mean we had him on the show Twice last week Doubled up on the show twice last week.

We doubled up on the guest. So that's been happening repeatedly to you in the last couple of months. There was a photo of... Matt Okine and Alex Dyson from Triple J were photographed at some event and Rolling Stones put that photo up on their website and captured it, Triple J's Nazeem Hussain and Alex Dyson. Yeah, great. And it was no irony. And in the Age Green Guide when Waleed got announced as the new host of the project.

And then it said Nazeem Hussain. No, they had a photo of me. No, photo of you. Photo of me. So Waleed Ali to host the project. It's been happening since. People call me Akmal. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, this actually, even after that thing in the Age got printed, I had people at the ABC come and talk to me about how they're sad that I'm leaving the ABC. Oh, no, in real life. But not only that, they then start talking about my articles that I've written in The Age and Sydney Morning Herald. And because they're speaking about it so passionately and they're clearly well-meaning, I can't correct them.

So I literally just say things like, oh, yes, sometimes you've got to write from the heart, you know. well-meaning like i can't correct them so i literally just say things like oh yes sometimes you gotta write from the heart you know i don't want to shout it for them like they're really even the guy that made the mistake in the age he called me up and he felt really bad he was like you know i can't believe i did this look eddie murphy i just want to say i'm really sorry that i disrespected you in the paper oh fuck i've done it again but he said i've literally quoted you talking about this exact thing in other articles. It'd be funny if you went into the accounts department in there

and just see if you can make it actually work to your advantage. Hello, I'm Waleed. I've changed my bank account details, so if you can just amend everything now to come into this account, just walk into Channel 10 and try it. Waleed reckons that he's not going to take leave anymore and lose out on cash. He's going to just let me take...

Right. Just sort of job share. And then, you know, I'll give him a cut and he just never takes a day off. Well, to me it seems like a thing that, like coming up to Comedy Festival, sometimes you employ publicists and then they send you like cutouts of all the publicity they got you.

Someone's going to claim this for you. Someone's going to go, I got you in the age and I got you on here this is yeah my publicist is gonna start getting lazy yeah yeah man i can't wait to get start getting mistaken for someone right now i get mistaken for a couch uh the mom in the clumps the lead actress From Precious Hey Neil Kolhatkar

This guy Similar hairstyle Oh is it? Yeah You know that guy? Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Okay

Well getting back to the diet See cause I've I've done a thing at New Year Where I've gone Right Oh yeah yeah I'm gonna get things sorted So I haven't

Eaten any bread I'm such a massive bread fan So I could eat Like a white life of bread Just cut down the middle Put a slab of butter in there I could sit there and eat it In one sitting

Yeah I love it so much Fuck it and then eat it Yeah Yeah yeah yeah This is not gross Oh I know It's bread I love it so much

So from New Year's on I went right I'm not going to eat bread I'm just going to No end date in sight But I'm just going to try Not to eat all that bread I'm not going to eat bread. I'm just going to – no end date in sight, but I'm just going to try not to eat all that bread. I'm not going to have any bread in my diet. So I've been trying.

We're up to like – we're nearly four weeks, nearly exactly four weeks in. So that's no burgers as well? Exactly, and everything that involves burgers, pizza, stuff like that. So it means I haven't been to McDonald's for four weeks. It's the longest we've been apart. Oh, really? Do they send you like a message going, hey, we haven't had fun yet?

Well, literally, I walked past it the other night and there's like a deal in the window that says like, now Big Mac comes with free fries and drink. I'm like, man, they're doing it hard. Is your name Carl? Free McDonald's as much as you want. I've nearly broken McDonald's. How often did you used to go to McDonald's?

I would say like in a week. I would say roughly, there's no exaggeration saying between five and six times a week. Wow. It's always the same thing, isn't it? What is it? What's your meal? Double cheeseburger meal. That is bad.

Yeah. But no, I've gone four weeks without it now. Does it affect like your brain As well as The rest of your body I don't think so How happy are you Because I have to say We went out for lunch

Just before this And I got a burger Yeah And the look on your face When you saw my burger And realised I was Going to enjoy that And that you couldn't

Have that Yeah I don't think I've seen You look more miserable But you know Like just the pang Of like longing It was just a little bit

Because I'm getting used to it Yeah I am getting used to it. Yeah. I am getting used to it. You can get the like the burger without the bread, you know. Yeah. But see, you know, we went out. I hate that this is becoming a Macazad. Yeah.

You haven't listened to this podcast before, have you? They have a lot of great products in there that you can have. The chips are fantastic. The McFlurry is an absolute delight. The clown is hilarious. The clown is hilarious. So we went to lunch one day to have pizza. There was a bunch of us having pizza and I was like, oh, I'll have the – I'm like, what am I going to do?

They're all eating pizza and it's like one of those pubs that have those cheap pizzas so there's nothing else to eat except for the pizzas. I'm like, all right, I'll have – oh, there's a gluten-free pizza like can i someone's like yeah you can eat that because it's like taking all the bread out of it all right okay all right well i'll have gluten-free and just they just gave me like a it was like a a drink coaster yeah and and because it's gluten-free they'd taken the cheese there was no cheese involved so it was literally like this drink coaster with a bit of prosciutto just sitting on top of it. And as it gets wheeled out, everyone else in the group just starts laughing at me.

But that's my lunch. I don't know if I laughed. Like just watching you pick the ingredients off, I was like, it was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. But then even the chef. It just made me miserable. Even the chef like came out to have a bit of a look. Like as it got delivered to me and people are laughing

and I'm just looking at it going, what? And the chef's like, I wonder if he's actually Going to eat it Well this is why You need a cheat day So that psychologically You can keep battling Through the other six days

No but I I'm not battling I'm actually doing okay No look at you You're a mess No no no No I'm doing alright See because I've joined the gym

I'm doing this I've lost like I've never lost three kilos When you look yourself In the mirror Yeah better What parts of your body are you not happy with? Face.

I've lost three kilos of my face. The part of you is the face and the hair at the moment. Oh, that's good. What's wrong with my feet? No, the rest of you. Your feet would be in the top five. Yeah, all right, nice. No, no, just a little bit of a spring clean.

You can take a few kilos. I'm not trying to lose 10 kilos or whatever it is. This facial hair thing that you're doing as well. Facial hair? Yeah, it's looking good. Yeah, I'm scrubbing right up really well. Because that's intentional stubble because you've got the line gone. I just cleaned it a little bit today.

Yeah, you're right. Nothing's giving a great review of Carl. Tommy's feeling really left out. Give us something about Tommy, come on. Nazeemem what's your favourite thing about Carl he's wearing a nice sweater so I joined up

the gym right so I'm seriously into the gym I'm going to the gym like nearly every day like every second day oh it shows yeah oh thanks man

Nazeem's having a good old gander at the chair man what is this podcast what do you guys hop into bed together and have a drink for fuck's sake?

You know what it is? I just look really good because you sit next to that. For the record, he pointed at me. Even that didn't come across. So I've joined the gym and so I'm going to leave today and I start going like a couple of weeks ago and I'm like, you know, it's a new thing. I don't know how the equipment works It's that embarrassing thing where

If anything needs to be adjusted If you're watching me at a gym And anything needs to be adjusted I'm knocking on a piece of equipment It doesn't magically fix itself And so I walk away and go on the treadmill Because I don't know how to fix anything So I'm sitting there

And because it's close to New Year You get all this influx of idiots like me that are real part-timers going, yeah, I'm going to get fit. It must be the sweetest time of the year for gyms, just looking at them, doing all the sign-ups going, look at all these people who are never coming back after Jan. Three weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they'd have a betting pool. Do they really? They would. Oh, they would, right. I thought that was like you were going to say that was like a thing that you'd found out. Yeah, no. So but what I saw was all these pensioners were signing up.

And so when I first went in there, there's all these 60, 65, 70-year-old dudes coming in. So your classmates? Yeah. Got him. Got him. A fucking B.O.T. Hashtag wrecked.

Dilrock is on the scoreboard. It's 18 to 1. 19 to 1 now. So they're all coming in right. But none of these old dudes have got gym uniform. Everyone else is coming in their Nikes and stuff. These guys are literally coming in like they're straight from the 1940s. They've got the brown cardigan on, the brown slacks and boat shoes,

and suspenders. Great. And they're working out in that stuff, like in Depression-era clothing. And I'm watching it just going, this is, like, one of them had a hat on, like a proper fucking Indiana Jones hat on. Is it a village gym or, like, is it public? Yeah. Where's a public? Yeah. Where's the gym?

In Hawthorne. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say like Sovereign Hill. Is it like a themed gym? No, no. You're the fuckhead for going in there in your Adidas. That's a fair distance from here at 40 to 60 Rose Street. Yeah.

Well, I don't live here. Nazeem, this might surprise you, but Carl and I don't live in this house together. No, I'm just trying to replug. Yeah, I like it. I do appreciate it. I'll get on the board as well. Yeah, so anyway, they start doing this. And I'm just like laughing at the gym going, look at these people.

And then one of them's on the one I was going to use. And then I realized, like I start using their equipment. I realized I'm doing the same weights as them. As these 70-year-old dudes that are dressed like this. I'm like, oh, you're not as funny, more a little bit sad on my part, you know, because they're not even raising sweats. Muscles used to be a lot stronger than they are now. Yeah.

Don't build them as good as they used to. Can we talk about this? Did you see that there was a BuzzFeed article, I think, about Australia's real top 100, and it was a list of 100. Yeah, yeah. You're looking at number 86. That's right. Of what? article I think about Australia's real top 100 and it was a list of 100 Yeah yeah You're looking at number 86 Of what? The hottest 100 men Oh really? But they haven't seen my teeth

I've got messed up teeth And they also think it's Waleed Check out his skinny ankles, these are the skinniest Oh shit I've always had the skinny It must be a Shuanja thing I reckon mine, oh this this is great for visual. Yeah, now mine's skinny.

I remember it beat me by a few. Yeah, I was going to ask. I beat Waleed. You beat Waleed. But Matt Okine smashed all, like in terms of brownie. Comics, yeah. You smashed Ballad. I think Ballad was the first comic.

But it was basically one woman that put this list together. It's not like anyone voted I saw this this morning and I was like oh this will be interesting

so what what do you find what's come about since that nothing do you call up armor and

go what the fuck man yeah well I sent me armor and our manager we have a thread on whatsapp and then she

was like 86 and 81 I'm furious how dare they put you up so late in the thing is you serious We have a thread on WhatsApp. And then she was like, 86 and 81, I'm furious. How dare they put you up so late in the thing. I'm like, well, a big time. Are you serious? No, she was being funny. Oh, dang.

That'd be good if you had your management. We should make our own one. Off your dum-dum listeners. Yeah. The top 100. The top 100 what, dum-dums? Guests. Male.

We'll make it male because the women have had it good for too long. What about even a top 10? Hi, I'm Daryl Jasinger. And when you do a podcast, you like to stay between 40 and 60 Road Street in North Victoria. What about this? So we talked about on the show. Just quickly, I love the idea that now, like, next week,

I just walk out into my street and there's just, like, six people in Dum Dum Club t-shirts just kind of, like, walking up and down, like, trying to work out which one it could be. Dum Dum reality tour. Yeah, it's just a bus. Dills driving the bus. And it's just because there's roundabouts at either end of my street and it's literally just doing a loop trying to work out

which one it could be. There's a milk bar just down the road from here. How often do you go there? I go to the milk bar every maybe three or four days. If you hang around that milk bar, you will bump into Tommy Daslo. You will see me, yeah. Just around the corner from Road Street. Go get a job at the milk bar and you'll definitely serve me at some point.

That would totally be worth it. We're talking a couple of weeks here or a week here, I'm not sure, about how you've got a Wikipedia page. Yes. Tommy Dasolo. Yep. I don't have one. Mm-hmm.

So I'm still a bit cheesed off. Surely your listeners could have made one for you by now. Well, I mean, I don't know who's done Tommy's one, but I'm looking at Tommy's and going. Tommy's looking very nervous. Tommy's, Tommy, I think you've had some input in that Wikipedia page. I actually haven't at all. Because I was talking about this in the context of when I was on Triple J

with you over the summer, Nazeem, because there's a lot of made-up bullshit on there. And so people heard me on your show who didn't know me and then Googled me. And it was like, in 2012, he was arrested for making a racist tirade against a French man on a bus. People were texting in going, what the hell? Why have you got a criminal on your show?

It was crazy. And I actually freaked out because I read that and checked your page before letting you know that someone had texted that in. Yeah, you did and you were like, hey, is this true? So you didn't want to tell me about your past? Just when we've got Arctic monkeys playing over the speakers. Hey, is this awkward if I ask? Did you really racially abuse someone on a tram?

But, yeah, so we talked about it and now – and I foolishly for things like that made a request that people kind of lay off the wise ass around my page. Yeah, because people listen to you. Yeah. We'll do exactly what you say and not the opposite. Well, so during the week I remembered that and went, oh, I should go and have a look at his page. And so I looked at it and it looked all reasonably clean.

It looked all reasonably factual. And then at the end it said, oh, yeah, he does the little dum-dum podcast by himself now after his partner, Carl Chandler, sadly passed away. Oh, my God. So I went, what? Oh, my God. And the sadly part is the biggest lie of the day. So I copy and pasted that and put it on Twitter and Facebook and went,

hey, guys, one, Dasso's got his own Wikipedia page and I don't. What the fuck? What's going on? And two, what the fuck was going on? Apparently I'm dead. So I put that up and then people went fucking berserk. Like this is the thing that we've talked about. Like if we put up a really good episode, say this episode we think is really funny

and it really is so far. It's okay. It's all right. It is pretty funny. So we put that out and, you know, you'd be lucky to get, you know, a few comments and people go, oh, we loved the episode and yeah, keep going guys and whatever. I put that up.

You're doing a good job. Keep going. Keep going, guys. Keep trying. And so I put that up and people lost their mind and started just like the hashtag RIP Carl Chandler. So then the whole night became all these tributes in inverted comments. Yeah.

It was fantastic. For me. It was awesome. So I just collected them all. I tried to do like an edit of like, you know, a bunch of the best ones. So we'll just skip through some of them. So, you know, you've got your clear easy ones at the top of the show. You've got your, you know, know CMA RIP Kyle Chandler

how come hashtag goodbye dickhead isn't trending in the mix there I did notice there were a couple of people that you know saw that going on

and did genuinely think like oh fuck and I love that I love that there was only two people so if you do die now you know

there's only like two out of a hundred who give a shit but even they won't mourn you now because they're once bitten, twice shy. The boy who cried dead. But I like, there were some people messaging me going, oh, are you okay? It's like, if I was dead, I'm probably not going to reply to that message.

Joan Rivers' Twitter account is active. Her daughter's using it. And I just got a tweet from her saying, here's my lawsuit that I'm currently filing. This is in the car on the way here. And yeah, it's basically, Melissa kind of, in the next tweet, she said that a tweet from her saying, here's my lawsuit that I'm currently filing. This is in the car on the way here. And yeah, it's basically Melissa kind of in the next tweet she said that it was from her. That's pretty weird. I thought she tweeted at you. She's like, this is the lawsuit I'm filing against you.

So, at Carl Chandler is dead. How do you get that? Very good. Pie shops around the country honour Carl Chandler's memory by turning off their pie ovens tomorrow. Yep. What do Carl Chandler and Vincent Van Gogh

have in common? Both are more popular in death than alive. I favourited that one. That was a good one.

That's a good one. Yeah, the good one's at its hornzo. Whoever that is. Sam. Hornzo.

Hornzo. And he's gone again. Out of respect, all audience members will observe 60 minutes of silence during Carl Chandler's festival shows this year. But I like this reality where you're dead, but you're still doing your festival show. Just your corpse is propped up on stage for an hour.

Weekend at Bernie's. And people are silent. Like no one's going, why have we paid money to sit here and watch a corpse And it's like It's like respectful Oh he's dead up there we better not say anything Instead of heckling

Oh you fucking dead idiot Tell us a joke Yeah You maggot infested shithead Someone Someone needs to inform Terry Pedestrian that Carl Chandler has in fact stopped. It's hard to believe that trying to outdo his last performance and chug two jugs of water on stage has resulted in this.

It was a great collection of all the running jokes of Dumb Dumb. Everyone kind of brought their own flavour. Ted McCarthy says, Logie's to open with a ten-minute video honouring Casey's TV career, nine minutes longer than his actual career. Me thinks R.I.P. Carl Chandler is just an elaborate hoax of getting out of proposing to his girlfriend.

Great. That's a great one. That's a deep cut. At John Hoffner, I quite like this. R.I.P. Carl Chandler, ditto. RIP Carl Chandler Dedo Sometimes the simplest is the best

And he's gone again on the same hashtag He is survived by several thousand audience members he has called cunts I like the repeat offenders in this that have seen their moment and they're just overwhelmed by the magnitude of stuff they have to work with. It's a beautiful little writing task.

You know what? I want someone to say I'm dead just so that I can get some love from my supporters. Right. R.I.P. Nazeem. Well, they'll just put up a post of Wally Dally. We can do it on this podcast. We can kill you off at the end of the episode

and get people to flood the tributes in. People love this as a topic. I wouldn't mind seeing what happens to me. Seeing as that'll probably happen in the next couple of years. What would you guys post? Probably everything put together.

Gone too soon. Oh, the buffet at your wake will be incredible. Gone about the right size at the right time. Died on a cheat day. Died on a cheat day. That's my autobiography. Died on a cheat day died on a cheat day that's my autobiography died on a cheat day

no but that's not no that's died when he accidentally swallowed choked on his dad in bed oh no he died doing all he loved

what happened we were having fun save it for twitter save it for when he dies in six months save it for six months time alright at WL

Boston's gone with g'day Nigel no life yeah that's good I like that we've got the hashtags someone start up the hashtag I'll ride

to Maribor with you. Oh, yeah, if you did die, would we have to go to fucking Maryborough for the funeral? No, does anyone over there like you still? Hang on, hang on. Does anyone over here like you? We're just over here at number 40 to 60 rows.

Yeah, let's have the funeral at my house. That's great. I'd like for my ashes to be spread on Bill's tongue. I want my ashes to be spread inside your stomach so I can be the person that kills you off. Okay, this. Could you, if you really love someone, mix their ashes

with tattoo ink and then have them tattoo yourself with their name on their face. Wouldn't that, yeah, but what if that infects you

and you die because of the ashes of that person? It's like Romeo and Juliet. Then when you get buried, Bogan, Romeo and Juliet, yeah.

Well, then you burn your ashes and then you tattoo both of you onto somebody else this sounds more like a virus than a yeah this is the

kill off humanity with love this is an outbreak this is an alternative plot for Resident Evil this is at at

syme underscore FR it had a nice graphic with the McDonald's flags across the country being flown at half

mass for Carl Chandler. Yeah. Actually had them at half-mast, which was great. A little bit of a negative. Did he Photoshop the McDonald's flag or have McDonald's flags ever actually flown at half-mast? Well, I couldn't figure that out. Who would they fly their flag half-mast for?

Like the Hamburglar died? I don't know. A valued customer. Well, yeah, that's it. Yeah, well, if they're going to do it for anyone, it's going to be great. If Ronald McDonald died or... The Hamburglar got shot by the cops.

He was unarmed. He had a hood on. He was wearing a hood. The Hamburglar gets the chair, finally. The Hamburglar gets the chair. That's a sad day. Imagine the smell. It'll smell nice.

Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you what. I think he's been on the Green Mile for a while. No one's seen him on TV for a long time. Bit of a negative tribute. They're doing like a serial podcast version for the hamburger. We'll see. Incorrectly convicted. That's a great idea.

They got these great mascots. They're not doing anything with them. You used to see the big murals of McDonaldland. They don't even do that anymore. Yeah. I remember it was like a deliberate ploy because it was like, oh, it's seen as a kid's restaurant and it's not really that. We want everyone to eat this.

So they just sort of phase those things out. Yeah, but if kids go there, then adults are obviously going to accompany them. Oh, we need kids. I see what you're saying. Well, who was that someone was saying once that, you know how they have like the McCafe in McDonald's? They reckon it makes no money. It's not worth, it loses money, the McCafe.

But as soon as like a mum brings in their kids, the kids will have to go and get nuggets and chips. As soon as you pour a thing of Coke, which costs negative three cents and sells for two bucks, you've made your profit already. I love that. Carl Chandler, shrewd businessman. Buy this stuff for negative three cents and then I sell it for two bucks.

The wholesalers are not making a great deal out of this. At Leon McSH says, sadly, on the positive side of all this, at least this means no more Rad Dad. Disappointing? Fuck you, Leon. At least this means no more Rad Dad. Disappointing. Fuck you, Leon. At Sal Irons, all of his tributes

are the way Carl Chandler has lived. 95% insults. What else? Oh yeah, I like this. At Daslo, apologies if this question comes too soon.

Any chance you'll be doing a solo podcast? Very good. And then someone hitting up Nando's. The legend of fast food comedy deserves an honorary VIP black card. At Nando's Oz, give something back. I just like the Nando's guys getting all these tweets going, can you give this dead guy a free pass to Nando's?

Yeah, being thrown into the middle of something that they have no context for and being like, yeah, someone's job is to look at that and go, what the fuck's this? And seriously, checking that hashtag, it went on for hundreds and hundreds of tweets. Yeah. R.O.P. Carl Chandler. So they must have looked at that and gone,

well, this is sort of something. Maybe we're going to turn up in the papers going, fast food giant defied dead dude. Maybe it is good that this dead guy ate our food, I guess. Let's name a store after him. Let's build a statue of him in one of our shops. RIP Carl Chandler. All dumb dumb listeners to yell at Carl's hearse as it drives along

Riversdale Road in tribute. At Ross Ross Webber said, At least now Carl will be Playing a room fitting of his fan base Meaning a coffin Yeah Yeah that's good You know what This kind of gives you a hint of your funeral

Yeah I'm starting to see it It's like A bunch of rowdy dickheads Just yelling at the Yes Yeah yeah yeah People just going

Can we do a speech Can I do a speech as well Yeah glad he's gone the dickhead Peace Can I Assuming we'll be friends till I die Can we do a speech Can I do a speech as well Yeah glad he's gone The dickhead Peace Can I Assuming we'll be friends Until I die Can you do a roast

At my funeral Can you guys do a roast At my funeral I reckon that'd be great I legitimately I was saying this to someone The other day Yeah yeah

For the audience I believe A roast I believe that's Called a cremation Not a roast But yeah I thought you meant Like to roast you As in like make fun of you Yeah yeah yeah Oh I thought you meant A roast, I believe that's called a cremation. Not a roast, but yeah. I thought you meant like to roast you as in like make fun of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought you meant then I wasn't sure if you meant. You thought I meant to cook me and like feed me out to the people. Yeah, I was like just room to eat at the funeral. I legitimately want us. You can only eat me on a cheat day. That's how much fat content there is. I was saying that to someone the other day.

I legitimately want that to happen at my, I just want it to be raw. I just want people to fucking go me hard and no crying. I just want it to be raw. I want people to go me hard. I want my dad in bed next to me at my funeral. Yeah, open casket. Open casket snuggled up next to daddy. Pour the bottles of scotch on the curb as a tribute to me.

Pouring out one for homies and daddy. You won't be able to make fun of you when you're dead. Yeah. Oh, man, I reckon it'd be – like, honestly, if I die within the next couple of years or whatever, fucking please do it. I reckon it'd be great. I went to – a friend of mine in high school,

his dad passed away when we were in year 12, very suddenly, very unexpectedly and we went along to the funeral and thinking, man, this is going to be so heavy. This dude was like not that old and just kind of randomly died in his sleep and my mate was like just about to finish school and it's like, oh, man, this is so full on. And the funeral was fucking hilarious.

Like his mates just got up and like did that, just roasted him. Like got up and went, geez, he was a bit of a bloody tight ass, wasn't he? And everyone was like, yeah. Just went in and just told all these embarrassing stories about him and it was like – it was great. Like it was – you can be – of course you can be sad. You can be sad on your own time but like get up and tell some funny stories and tribute them.

Oh, yeah, and play an extract of my chat from adelaide would you have hired like a comedian like if you weren't a comedian would you hire a comedian to come and just mc the thing or make oh well i'm dead so i'm not having any say in the matter maybe there's a circuit you know how you have like the corporate circuit and you have like yeah yeah i reckon honestly we should put it out there like I'm available I'm available for that sort of thing are you guys yeah sure

let's make a pact let's make a pact right now if I die before you I'm saying this on the record I want you to MC my funeral done okay cool

I'm available though anyway that's cool if you know anyone that's about to die or has just recently died and you want some entertainment we will come and make dead jokes about them.

Just tell us a few details about their lives. Well, yeah, look. What do you mean? We just all agree that this is a great thing to do. I assume that the people that are roasting know who the person is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. I've done a gig at someone's wedding and this is like my...

Same thing pretty much. I didn't know this person. Death of their life. Social life. This is why my Same thing pretty much. I didn't know this person. Death of their life. Social life. This is why you haven't got him. But I went up and before I went up

I said actually I was emceeing and then they said actually this next segment we're going to go through some photos. Do you mind pretending like you know both of us

and make jokes about us when you look at the photos because if there's a back story to each of these. So you know you can do that with weddings. You can do that with funerals.

So what did you do? Were you just going, oh, here he is, old mate Wobbsy over here? Fuck, that would be so good. Like at some funerals when they have the sort of the slideshow and the really like sentimental music and you're just there going, nice hat, cunt. Yeah. Yeah.

Wish he had died before he wore that jacket. What, he died of third degree burns? I'm fucking getting him up here. He's burning harder than he's about to burn inside that stupid crematorium. Looks like he was in fashion hell before he went to actual hell. But it should be part of a package. Like if you go to a funeral home and we'll make a glossy like A4 brochure thing, pitch it to them and say we're happy to make whatever jokes.

I think at the very least it should be us four. Whoever dies first is like, right, bang. We're the three roastmasters. Right, great. Yeah, and this podcast plays as the rest of us are carrying the coffin out of the – and so we just walk really slowly and this whole hour gets played in the chapel. Imagine that we made this pack, but then imagine one of us killed the other person. Invite them all.

Oh, so here's the convict, the culprit of the murder. Have you guys got wills or anything? No. I've been told by many people that you're supposed to have a will. We don't have assets to pass down. What about you? So you've got one? No, I don't.

But if you were to write a will, you can write whatever the hell you want in there. You can even put that sort of shit in there. Yeah. In fact, you should write your will and put that down. Nazeem is saying he's going to emcee my funeral for $5,000. Mate, have $20,000 if you want. I give a fuck. I'm not footing the bill.

From the Dassler Foundation. A name that doesn't exist. You're going to rock up to the Dassler Foundation and you're like, you owe us I believe. He left us a bill for you. You go to the Dassler Foundation and get the Spanish hand package, thanks. Yeah. At Ren underscore one, it's a sad, sad day for the pun industry.

Gone too soon, Carl Chandler. Now, look, I don't want to, you know, publicise it. Pun industry? Yeah, people... Is there even a pun... There's no pun industry. Yeah, yeah, they have a trade union as well. Except they're called a trade punion.

Not only that, but I don't do puns. I just want to officially say once again on the public record, I don't do any puns. I mean, if this was real that you had passed on and that person had done that in tribute, they'd be up for a haunting from Ghost Chandler. Yes. If that's your tribute, that's pretty much the only way to ensue

that you're getting hassled by Carl from beyond the afterlife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm a ghost still in this world. I haven't passed on because I'm still stuck here to finish one job to make sure everyone knows I don't do puns. Write the perfect pun, yeah. No! At Ross Webb says...

Have I asked this from you already? Were your parents killed by a pun or something? At Ross Ross Webb says, Carl Chandler's got talent for lying still for a really long time in a box in the ground. Good. Very good. Would you like to be cremated or buried or both, like half-half?

Is that an option? Yeah, you you just cut half your body we'll burn that is it a real option on his face or mix it with the tattoo ink you can probably do whatever you like and then bury the other i feel like that's a big job like that's you're paying double for something who gives a shit you're not the one doing it that's what foundation's paying for yeah they're bankrolling this i want to be cremated i really do i'd rather be like I've heard about

People seeing scratch marks Of like At the back of coffin Like the lid of coffins Like some people Who thought they were dead But they got buried alive And I'm scared about

Whatever way It probably is bullshit But I just heard the story As a child And ever since then I'm like Nah I'm going to be cremated How do they see those scratch marks?

So they were moving coffins And then the coffin fell and then they saw scratch marks it's all probably urban myth it's a long way to tell a scary story

yeah it's an urban myth but ever since I heard that I'm like nah I'd rather be woken up by being burnt alive than realise

that I'm in a confined space what would you rather give us a call Carl leaves behind a loving wife. Oh. Finding it hard to accept that unlike all the rest of us,

Carl no longer has stuff going on. Yeah. Did every possible available joke get made? It sort of seems like there wasn't any, there was no territory left. I was definitely racking my brain and I only finally came up with that Sunshine Johnson is going to change the name to Sunset Johnson. Yep, yep. Just for 25 hours.

So now when you actually die, you've got nothing. People are going to, it's already been done. Well, hopefully when I actually die, they'll be a bit sadder than what they were the other night on Twitter. I think those are all heartfelt. Well, there was a few because there's a lot of people That were just going brutal And then there was some people

That were like Oh you know A little bit Like even this one Raise your cup of moose And toast the passing Of the world's funniest And best comedian

Kyle Chandler See that's like a genuine No no They're quoting the name Of my festival show For this year But still It's not insulting

That's not insulting And I actually You probably need to clarify Well you are clarifying my spirit but did you actually i'm clarifying that i'm not dead guys i gave you a heartfelt one i said i'm raising my barocca saying see you mate yes yes with a heavy heart as i said you weren't there to riff on heavy heart uh guys i just got news that the west gate has been renamed the cal chandler bridge in honor. That's pretty sweet.

That wouldn't happen, though, by the way. You shouldn't do this. This is not how you do comedy. You don't discredit every joke that everyone makes. No, you shouldn't get your hopes up. That shit's never going to happen. Even if, like, I don't know, Bob Hawke died, they're not going to rename the bridge that he drove on one surprise.

What if he drove himself off it and that's how he died? Like the Harold Holt. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That would be the exact reason not to name it after him because it would just encourage other people to do that. Yeah. I want to be cool like Bob Hawke. The old daredevil.

I really hope Bob Hawke doesn't die after this podcast. Well, maybe we can do it. Maybe we can ask to do the role of Stan. That would be the cool power I have. Yeah. And then we got onto this angle. I'll never forget the time he won Best Moose at the Meriborra Fate in 1974. So proud.

Can't believe Kyle passed and he was only three years off his 60th birthday. He was a man, a good man, a man who wanted to share his little puns and tales from the good folk from Meribah, R.O.P., 1945 to 2015. And then R.O.P., Carl Chandler, 1916 to 2015. So close to the century, your contribution to pun-based comedy will never be forgotten. Now that's my favourite because that's going you on two angles that you don't like.

Excellent. Yeah, R.O.P., Carl Chandler, 1951 to 2015. Thai tourism industry will mourn his passing. And then Will, because Will Anderson listens to the show and he got very well involved in it. He said, I assume the funeral's in Thailand, right? Hashtag one last trip. That's a great film, by the way.

Like me, Dill and Nazeem taking your coffin over there. Getting massages once a day. Yeah, getting my ashes and getting Thai girls in the pub to blow them out of their vaginas. Inside ping pong balls.. Inside ping pong balls. Inside the ping pong balls. The ultimate 21-gun salute. 21-gun salute.

Was it blowing it out to sea? Popping a beer or something? Yeah, yeah, out to sea. Yeah, that's good. White lady boy funerals? I think Billy's about to die. Oh. Hope.

Sad Carl wasn't killed in an avalanche So he could wedge in one last mention of going to school with them That's very good work Was that the highest favoured one I think? I don't know Yeah I think so It went pretty crazy I would have had a bit more respect If he just said sad he didn't die in an avalanche

And just left it at that Like no Like not even a joke in there Just now making requests for how you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this. This is all still Will. On the upside, I sense an opening for Dilruch J.

Yeah, I was a big fan of that. Tell me what you reckon. The only thing was about that was I was like, in no way would Dilruch ever sense an opening if you ever listen to the episode of him in Adelaide. There's no way you're going near an opening. No, this is a me not getting laid joke. That's a scene in One Last Trip where, you know,

you bring a girl back to the hostel that we're in. Chandler's corpse is there and it's like if that girl thought she was scared of bunk beds, wait until she gets in and sees an open coffin. And then at the end of the night, you're just sitting there with your head in your hands going, I'm sorry, it seems like the only thing in here stiff is that guy. Wait, wait, was that a pun? Oh, now he did.

Oh, he did now. He did now, baby. That Oh, he's dead now. He's dead now, baby. See, that's the end of the film. You make that pun and then my ghost comes in and goes, I can finally leave this mortal coil and I float up into space. You float up into space with a couple of bags of dodgy DVDs that you've bought. Oh, God. Oh, man, I can't wait for summer 2016 when this thing comes out.

One last trip. Have we got any more? If you're listening, Hollywood, we're ready. Oh, man. And then Will said, I hope Carl is buried with his phone and strangers can text him in the afterlife. Which, as all this was happening, all the tributes were coming through on Twitter, I was actually getting heaps of text messages still from all that stuff.

So your Wikipedia page has changed back? No, Tommy's. Oh, it's mine. Yeah, it just says on my Wikipedia page that someone else is dead. That seems like a weird thing that you never see on a Wikipedia page. So here's some of the text messages I was getting. Enjoy being dead, dickhead. That's so sweet.

It's wishing you well. Enjoy being dead. Yeah. I missed your death today. I'm really sorry. I hope it was fun. One guy saying, I'm not sorry that you're dead. Oh, yeah.

What is that about? See you, mate. Have a good long sleep. Tommy, what was Harley Breen's one? Something like, just woke up to the news that Carl Chandler had died. Didn't think I could give any less of a shit. Which section of your Wikipedia page was this written in? I think it's down at the bottom maybe.

No, it's been changed back. My passing is no longer on there. Oh, okay. You're like Jesus. Three days later you're back up. I don't know. I wonder how that actually works. Like if someone's taken notice of the ROP hashtag

and then gone to his page and changed it, like found out that it's not real. Because I literally thought this is going to go, this is going to actually be trending because it was that many tweets. Like, you know, technically it should have been trending. Was it? No. I don't think so.

Even in death. Still irrelevant. Because I think that the trending thing on Twitter, I don't think it's actually numbers. It's just someone deciding what's going trending. Oh, really? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Really? Because I've seen a trending article before and then looked on it and there's like three on there. I'm like, wow, someone's just choosing that. That's weird. But so, yeah, so there's a few positive ones. There was your one deal which you said, with a heavy heart I'll raise my weird. But so, yeah, so there's a few positive ones. There was your one, Dil, which you said,

with a heavy heart, I raise my brocker and say, see you, mate. So sad that he's not here to riff on heavy heart. Grat, oh, hat. Great, now I'm going to cry every time I see Nando's. Someone, and this sounded real at Strawnside, heading to Mirabarra on a train will sound a 21-toot salute at the main level crossing for RIP Carl Chandler.

And James Graff, he was okay. level crossing for RIP Carl Chandler. And James Graff, he was okay. Hashtag RIP Carl Chandler. Close it out with the best one. But then there was people that were getting angry and going like, people going, oh, I checked. Oh, you got me really upset and I had to check. And this one, dude, not funny. I was panicking, checking all the news sites.

And I reply, news sites? I can't even get a page on Wikipedia. It's not like I'm going to check the news sites. Yeah. And then he goes, I was actually worried there. I was worried you can't take my podcast away. Oh, I guess your health's good as well. Just listen to the old episodes.

Just do that. And this other woman Big shout out to At infinity times me Whoever that is Here we go Who's gone How stupid

This is all over Twitter Your family and loved ones Could be reading this I don't know you Your family I just end with I don't know you She doesn't follow me

Doesn't follow Dumb Dumb Has just seen it somewhere And gone Here's my opinion I don't know you She doesn't follow me Doesn't follow Dum Dum Has just seen it somewhere And gone Here's my opinion I don't know what's going on The guy is faking his own death As well as retweeting And commenting

Yeah Yeah Some people have I mean I know it sounds stupid Saying this But some people are really Sensitive about death Like

I guess for us Not so much about death No like I guess we got so used to like Like talking shit with each other and even like today we were talking about what we're going to do at our funeral. Some people just can't deal with that that idea of potentially dying

that even seeing someone else joke about their own death is like fuck you for having a sense of humour. And it's the only inevitability that we have so it's like why not joke about it it is definitely going to happen. I think one of the most important things is that while you're living you should tell people that you love them Yeah, it's like why not joke about it? It is definitely going to happen. I think one of the most important things is that while you're living, you should tell people that you love them. Yeah, it's a very sweet message.

Yeah. I love you, Nazeem. So, guys, do you have something to say to me? Shut up, cunt. I heard what I wanted to hear there. Thank you. Well, guys, that is just about all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club

this week, Nazeem. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, yeah. I want to do one more. One more. Look at it. Yeah, yeah, look at the amount of attention

he wants on himself. Other people have written this episode. I just want to make sure we... Oh, man, our shoulders are getting heavy carrying that coffin out of this chapel.

We've got to sit and listen to this whole thing. So someone... We've got all these fake accounts inspired by all the crap we've done on this podcast so someone immediately

started a ghost Chandler account and put this isn't the first time I've died haven't any of you seen my Australia's Got Talent audition

and then I changed on Facebook I changed my profile to like Casper the ghost Casper the friendly ghost and someone replied that's not quite right you know Casper's

the friendly ghost I did say you and I have been going back and forth over Facebook chat a couple times Casper the Friendly Ghost, and someone replied, that's not quite right. You know Casper's the Friendly Ghost? I did say you and I have been going back and forth over Facebook chat a couple of times since you, and it's very nice talking to you and having a little picture of Casper come up. Yeah. It sort of helps to sort of null the abuse that's coming through on the message a little bit. It's weird to see Casper saying,

how are you going, you fat shit or something? Oh, Casper. Okay, I was much nicer when I was alive. Well, guys, that is about all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week. Nazeem and Dil, thank you very much for joining us. Oh, thank you. Nazeem, you've got shows all over the country on sale at the moment. Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and maybe Perth.

Maybe Perth. Play your cards right, Perth. You might get Nazeem. Play your cards right, Nazeem, and Per and maybe Perth. Maybe Perth. Play your cards right, Perth. You might get Nazeem. Play your cards right, Nazeem, and Perth might get Perth. Where can people find all that info? My Facebook page. No website? Nazeem from saying.com.au.

I think it is. I'm not sure if it's working yet. You know what? No one remembers that you – just put it in Google. Just put Nazeem in Google. Facebook. I saw you trial a bunch of the material the other night and it's looking very good.

Very funny stuff. You tried your stuff as well. It's looking very funny too. Not so good. Circle jerk is this. I'll tell you off air. Yeah, it's a long story. Dilruk, you've got...

I'm on Twitter at Dilruk J and Facebook.com slash Dilruk J Comedian. I have my second ever solo show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival called Immigrateful. Basically doing Nazeem's show. You're not an immigrant. You were born here, weren't you? I was born here.

Yeah, yeah. What time are you on? At 7 o'clock? 7.30. Cool, I'm at 7. So they've really put all... And my mutual friend, Soren J, mine is on at 7 as well. So all the Sri Lankan comics are on at 7

yeah pick one pick one guys you gotta pick one let's have the same poster with different start times just confuse the shit they'll all end up

at Wally Daly's show anyway and plus you know Wally's on at 6.30 till 7.30 on the project so yeah something about that time

yeah please come and check that out it's I'm in a big yeah 22 shows which I've never done as many as before. So please come and say g'day. Cool. We have got Adelaide and Brisbane on sale right now, doing live podcasts over in both those places,

which are going to be heaps of fun. March 1 in Brisbane and March 15 in Adelaide. Yep, as well as all the Melbourne shows, four of them plus the drunk cast. You can get season tickets for them. That's at our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. And as we always say, you know,

if you enjoy listening to the podcast for free, hey, if you're in Melbourne, if you're in Brisbane, if you're in... Oh, click that freaking donate button. Yeah. Just click it.

Hit that shit, son. Right now. Fam. But if you're in those cities, you know, do your bit by just coming to see the show because we'd rather have like sold out shows than, you know,

just donated money for no reason. We'd rather come, you know, you come and enjoy the show. Or just do both. Yeah, or do both. Just write out your will. Write out your will now.

Leave it all to us. And then neck yourself. That reminds me, actually, I will be at Adelaide as well that same weekend. So if you have any friends who are single that you want to bring to the live podcast like Bart did, please. Dill will be around at our live podcast at Adelaide, so please. When? In Adelaide? 15th March. Don't take my poon away

from me. Oh, baby. I'm also... Guys, please come along and have a chance of being called Dills Poon. You should get a T-shirt made so that people can have a night of days to wear. I am Dills Poon. I am in...

Dills Poon Army. Dills Poon Army. Yes. Oh, my God. I'm in Perth from February 3 till 9 at the Fringe World doing my show Cutie Pie. Come down and check that out. And then Brisbane, March the 3rd till the 7th. All those tickets and stuff are at TommyDanceLaw.com

and also Melbourne Comedy Festival is on sale now. Your show will be on sale soon. Yeah, my show, Carl Town, the world's greatest and best comedian, is on sale for Melbourne, and I'm doing a one-off show in Adelaide after the podcast on March 15. And my show, maybe we should give a tiny bit of sizzle to our show. We haven't really talked about our show. My show last year was a narrative.

It was all about me going on that TV show on the talent show. This year, it's all jokes, and it's me getting stuck into the crowd. So if you like me being an absolute fuckhead on this thing, you're going to get that. Stuck in like what, sexually? Like you trying to have sex with everyone in the crowd? Sure, whatever goes. It's at 9.45.

There we go. That's the love hour. Cool. It's going to be good. Yeah. Well, that's it for this week. Thank you very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.

R.I.P.