The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 227 - Eddie Perfect & Anne Edmonds

Episode Date: February 11, 2015

Tommy's Hairdressing, Paying It Forward and Walking With Baz. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, we are getting closer to heading around the country to do live shows for you. Carl, where are we heading first? Hey, we're going to Brisbane on March the 1st. We're going to be at the Sit Down Comedy Club at 3 o'clock on the Sunday, March the 1st. So that's going to be awesome. Yep, just before the Comedy Festival starts. So lots of big name guests in town. If you look through the guide, you might be able to find who might be coming down.

Then a couple of weeks after that, we are in Adelaide, Sunday, March the 15th at the Producers Bar where we did our big show at the end of last year. And not to sound desperate, but get off your fannies, Adelaide, and buy some tickets. Adelaide, you are dropping the ball on this one. Brisbane are outselling you like four to one at the moment, so get on to it. And Adelaide, now that I've butted you up, I've got a solo show

at 8.30 that night. The first ever performance of Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian. Hey, listen up, Adelaide, now that I've butted you up, I've got a solo show at 8.30 that night. The first ever performance of Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian. Hey, listen up, Adelaide. Lift your fucking game or we're heading down to Rundle Mall and we're setting those precious steel balls on fire. We are going to scorch you on the way out. We're going to piss all over your midnight pies. Then we are in Melbourne for the whole Melbourne Comedy Festival, March the 29th, Sunday, March the 29th.

We start 3pm at our new venue for this year, The Joint on Elizabeth Street upstairs there. It's going to be heaps of fun. And then what is it, April 5? April 5, April 12, April 19. Followed by nothing at all. We go home and we kill ourselves. No, so that's 3 o'clock every Sunday of the Comedy Festival in Melbourne

and then we do it at 10.30 or 11 or whenever we can get around to it. We do the drunk cast on the final night. As soon as the kegs get delivered, we tap them, we pull out our red plastic cups and we get stuck in. As soon as we get our irresponsible liquor licence. So any ticket to one of the live shows in Melbourne gets you a ticket to the Drunk Cast. A couple of season passes left, but not that many at all if you want to come to all four of those shows. And you know what?

If we've said this before, I'm not sure. A heads up. The great thing about last year was a lot of people made a real day of it on that Sunday and went to the 3 o'clock podcast, then went to Tommy's show, then went to my show and then went to the drunk car so they saw like four hours of us going insane. And were pretty burnt out by the time they got home. Oh, man.

Probably some pretty weird dreams for people at the end of that day. It's a very big afternoon. We had like a... I think they had Stockholm Syndrome by the end. We were just... They were just our prisoners by the end. So, yeah, that's happening.

We've also got our solo shows on sale. I'm doing the Brisbane Comedy Festival March 3 until 8 at the Brisbane Powerhouse. Tickets on sale now, brisbanecomedyfestival.com or through my website, tommydassolo.com plus Melbourne International Comedy Festival. We're both doing the whole run. I am at 7pm at the Imperial with my show Cutie Pie.

And I'm at 9.45 most nights at the Victoria Hotel with Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian. So you can see me, then you can treat yourself to a luxurious hour and 45-minute dinner after that and then stumble in with a full belly and... And as much alcohol as you can take so then you can just inevitably start screaming at me and turn into another fucking insane circus trick.

Yeah, just drink. Just drink for the hour and 45 minutes in between our shows to get good and lubed up for Carl Chandler. Just so you can walk in going, I'll tell you what I really thought of Desolay's show. I'm all ears. You have done that to me before in your shows. So tickets for all that stuff and all that information

is at littledumbdumbclub.com. We can't wait to see you out there. See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

Hey, dickhead. What is going on? Hey, it's 2015. Yes. I've got my hair cut. Yeah. You notice that? Boy, we're reaching today, aren't we?

Hey, that's something that everyone can relate to. Yeah, sure. This is real FM breakfast stuff. So I went and got my hair cut and it's like classic, classic haircut behaviour where you go and I had my hair to a reasonable length. It was too long. Yeah, I was, yeah. If you'd come in today having not gotten it cut yet, I think I would have had to say something.

Yeah, right. Yeah, because I was looking at you the other day going, this is a fucking mess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's that thing, like, if you don't, I just have to not have it cut if I want any length on it. As soon as you go to a hairdresser and you go, can you just keep the length but just thin it out a little bit?

They go, sure, and then don't do that. And just shave your head with a number one razor. Yes. So that's what happened. I go in there and say, can you just keep the length? And they go, absolutely. And just started shearing it off in huge clumps. I'm like, all right, well, it's happening again.

This is just what happens. You go to a hairdresser. It's happening again. No, it's happening again. What if you did that in the barber's chair? You just start weeping. Not again. No, it's happening again. What if you did that in the barber's chair? You'd just start weeping. Not again. How does that happen?

How do you go to hairdresser school and they go, number one rule, do whatever the fuck you want. Like, don't listen to them is their number one rule. So I go in there. They cut it all off immediately. I'm like, okay, I'll just go with this. And then they start the hairdresser conversation, which is fine. But it's that fascinating.

Wait, so what time of day were you in there? You were midweek? 10am. So did you get a bit of day off today, mate? No, no, weekend. Ah, okay. Weekend, yeah, yeah. So I don't think I've had a weekend haircut before.

But so... Call in. So hairdresser goes, her first thing she leads with is, you'd be into motorsports, wouldn't you? You do look like you could. No, I don't. You do. You look like you should be.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. No, I don't. So I go, no. And she goes, right. Well, my nephew, he's right into it. So she's just got a preloaded anecdote that she just wants to. Sweet segue.

Are you into motorsports? No. Well, that leads me into my next statement here's some motorsports no it's happening again so she goes into all that stuff and i'm like okay and i'm literally tuning out and she starts and i'm starting to realize the limitations of her conversation like she's just mispronouncing every fourth word i reckon i'm like is this for real am i in some sort of sting and then she gets to a stage where she actually goes, oh, and then I was bloody down the beach and then bloody, you know,

all the, what do you call it was hanging around on the beach, all the bloody, what do they call it again? All the, oh, yeah, rubbish. Like who figures the word rubbish? Like I'm getting a haircut by someone that doesn't remember the word rubbish. I'm in big trouble. Wait, to be fair though, a couple of weeks ago on this podcast, listeners will remember you forgot the word aisle.

Yeah, right. So, you know. Well, you deal with rubbish a lot more than you deal with aisles, in my defence. Today on the show, two returning guests. First of all, you know her from Backseat Drivers on the ABC. It's Anne Edmonds. Yay! Hey, Ellie. When was the last haircut you got, Edo?

I get them all the time Oh, clang Doing well Yeah, because I'm a girl Like every two months I get a haircut Yeah, smashing it But I had a I had like an acupuncture naturopath once

So you can imagine Like that image that comes into your head of someone like that And then on about the fourth session she told me she was mad for motorsports. And it just didn't add up. Like it was just like

she was just going to watch she loved Honda. She's a big Honda fan. And then she's like telling me to be at peace with myself and like meditate

and put needles in me. Classic redhead. Honda! It was so weird. So there's something about it that she finds therapeutic. Like she's there with the engines revving and the smell of petrol fumes just going, oh, this is just, I'm at peace.

Yeah, yeah. It's instead of lighting like one of those Jostik things. Yeah. It's just burning rubber. Also joining us after a very long absence from the program, you know him from Offspring. Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Eddie Perfect. Yeah.

Hi. You made a hair appointment on the phone minutes before the show started. I tried. Yeah. I'm very disorganised. I don't like to plan ahead. I like to ring up on the day. Yeah. I want it today. What's that? Yeah, I want it today. I can't

think a couple of days ahead. But you seem like you're a guy that looks after his hair. You've got a great head of hair. Yeah, I want it today. I can't think a couple of days ahead. But you seem like you're a guy that looks after his hair. You've got like a great head of hair. Yeah, I used to have no affiliation with one hairdresser. I didn't like to have a relationship, a continuity of any sort. So normally if I was on tour, I'd just walk into a hairdresser and go, can I get my hair cut today? And it's like whatever.

But you have to decide by looking at the facade of the hairdresser whether it's the kind of place you want to go into. So if it's got one of those twirling barber signs at the front, not good. If it's got a big Brocky poster in the window, you'd probably go, yeah. You've got to be careful. Have they got modern photos up there or are they kind of like weird ones from the 90s with emo hair going, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's hard. You don't always get it right but, you know, I like to roll the dice. So you don't have any barber loyalty? I do now. I've got this guy around the corner from my house who cuts my hair. I need the guy. I don't have any loyalty. Every time is just rolling the dice.

Yeah. I need to figure out my man like you. Yeah. Well, when I was in there, we were talking and he said that he was cutting a woman's hair and she had a 10-year plan for her hair. And I was like, whoa. Great. I don't even have a 10-year life plan, but she knows where her hair is going in 10 years.

Isn't that amazing? That's a lot of, yeah, that's a lot of planning. I love it. That's like an interview question. Where do you see your hair in ten years? Yeah. Who knows the answer? But, you know, who knows what the hair do,

what the fashion's going to be in ten years' time. Yeah, how did she know? It's a big commitment, yeah. And what about greying? Like is that in the plan? It has to be. You're insane if that's not in the plan. Yeah.

Send me again! Did she give any if that's not in the plan Send me again Did she give any hints of what was in the plan? Just keep coming back, getting your hair cut I don't know whether it was like getting long, growing stuff out Yeah Like if you want to, I guess if you colour it and then that grows out Maybe that's part of your look of like having the roots come in So you sort of, you plan for that

I don't know But like in ten years, how much remnants are there going to be from stuff that you're doing to your hair now? You know what I mean? Nothing. Surely there's nothing left. Yeah. Depending on what you're doing.

But like my wife's hair is getting shorter and shorter. I think it's like, you know, she's in her mid-30s. We're both in our mid-30s. And as you get older, women's hair gets shorter. But there must be a point at which women get to like 40 and they're like, oh, I'm nearly bald and they have to go back the other way. I've been thinking about this recently and this is quite genuine. I think if I quit comedy and just went, I need to do something else,

I'm going to go study something else, I think I'd study to be a barber. I think I'd do it. What's this revelation? I don't know. I don't know what it is. I was just thinking like just genuinely committing to it in my head and just thinking it through. You really set the bar high for yourself. I'd enjoy it. I think I'd enjoy it. So just men's hair, not, so you'd just be a barber, like, because you know they're

not allowed to cut. Have you heard about Geraldine Hickey trying to get the, trying to get a haircut from the barber? Oh yeah, and they wouldn't do it? They won't cut women's hair. So you'd just be cutting men's hair. Or maybe I'd go full hairdresser. Yeah, right. No, no. But you're talking about a barber though, not a hairstylist. What? Yeah.

That's so sexist. Yeah, she can't. Yeah. But Hickey would be getting like a kind of a guy's style haircut. Yeah, yeah. She totally just wanted a trim and they were like, no, we don't do women here. Wow. Boom.

Well, at Dasol's, all welcome. Men, women, dogs, anyone. But so would you, if you were going to become a hair stylist or a hairdresser, would you keep the stage name? Because Tommy Dasolo is your stage name. Or do you need another hairdresser name? Yeah, I need a different stage name. Tommy Sassoon?

Yeah. So there's just different versions of me in all these different fields that I've tried and failed at. Yeah, yeah, right. I just – I love that. Yeah, I think it's quite social because you're sitting here chatting to people during the day a lot.

And realistically, as someone who is thinning on top a little bit, I think it would give me a lot of joy to be around other people's hair and be able to do stuff with other people's hair that I can't do it. I can't live out these fantasies myself. Other people, good haircuts. I don't trust a bald hairdresser. Yeah, well, that's it. That's it.

Why? But this is the thing. People always say that. Like, why? He's not cutting his own hair. Yeah, clearly. But no one is. But you know why?

Because, you know, a bald hairdresser dealing with you is like, you know, trusting, I don't know, you're going into a… Here we go. Yeah, I know. You'll find it. You'll find it. It's in there. You'll find it and it'll be no good. It's in there.

I don't sit on the scavenger hunt. It's like going to a dietician and it's still Ruck Jai Singer, you know what I mean? scavenger hunt it's like going to a dietician and it's and it's still rock jai singer you know i am i just have this image i don't know why this sprung to my mind but when you said that i just i just thought of you like cutting people's hair and then those shop closes and then you sticky tape it on your own head and then you and then you cry yeah that's that's probably what would be happening yeah yeah but i know but i yeah i and people always say that about the bald barber, but no, I think it's that thing where it's like you're living out the fantasy that you can't do – I think, you know, I think there'd be –

Yeah, maybe you'd love it more. Yeah. There's more love for them. And you remember having hair. You remember it. Yeah, sure. Would that be your opening line to your clients? I know it doesn't look like it, but I remember having hair.

I'm aware of this concept you have on your head. Let me tell you some stories about me with hair. Give us a bit of, if you're going to be a hairdresser, I think second is skill with the scissors. First is your conversation. How would you open it up? Eddie needs a haircut.

Eddie needs a haircut. Eddie needs a haircut. Yeah, okay. So I'm sitting down in the chair. I've got the apron on. Yeah. You've obviously got to say, so what are we doing? What are we doing today? But no, I mean, this is, what kind of reality are we in here?

Because you coming in, we're talking about me quitting comedy. I know you. So I'm just going to sit and chat to you. It's a stranger. It's a stranger. It's a stranger. So I go. No, it's Eddie and you haven't been in comedy. I know you, so I'm just going to sit and chat to you. It's a stranger. It's a stranger. So I go, um... No, it's Eddie, and you're...

You haven't been in comedy. You're just a normal hairdresser. Because if I transitioned now, I'd just bore people with comedians that I used to know when I did comedy. Here's the thing. You go in as a hairdresser, you're undercover because you don't want any other comedians to know that this is what you've sunk to, that you're a hairdresser now.

Hang on, let's... You've changed your name again. There probably are people who are hairdressers who listen. We're talking about it like it's the absolute worst profession that someone can end up in. No, but some people are embarrassed when they quit comedy that they've quit comedy. Yeah, sure. Okay. So Eddie's in the chair. You're going, all right, my name's Tommy Sassoon now.

I've got a fake beard on. I've got glasses on. I'm pretending I've never been on stage and you're talking to Eddie. Well, also, quickly, let's digress. Eddie, you're in a hairdresser. A man comes over wearing an obviously fake beard and

big Dame Edna style glasses. What's your first thought about this? And they're bald as well. What's your first thought about this person that's gutting you? Clearly someone else's hair on your face. You've swept up. I think panic would be, yeah, you'd really need to have a great opener to be able to set me at ease.

That reminds me of, like, I have a tattoo, right? I have a tattoo. Show us. I decided to have a tattoo. Show us your fucking tat, mate. Oh, number 10. I think I've seen that before Wasn't expecting that

So He's got his pants down Everyone It's on my Yeah I've got number 10 With my pants down Yeah so

We know what it refers to Guys don't we So I've got number 10 On my chest And when I got my My tattoo What's the 10

Is that number of years Until you're 50 Yes So That always works Throughout the passages of time Yeah It's always relevant When I got my tattoo... What's the 10? Is that number of years until you're 50? Yes. Oh, not him. That always works throughout the passages of time. That's always relevant. It's finally synced up this year.

No, I'm not 40, people. I feel like I need to say that every time that gets brought up. So I went to a tattooist because my friend... I just decided I was going to get a tattoo. I went to this tattooist that my friend recommended. He's the number one guy in the state. Come to this guy. He's so good. And he showed me his tattoo.

And it was this great, really great tattoo that he had of like a sailing ship. I'm like, okay, that guy can definitely deal with a number 10. I had a bit of a fear of someone getting a tattoo wrong. Because like I'm a graphic designer. Because, you know, you want everything to be perfect. Yeah. Apart from anyone would want everything to be perfect. But I've got a good eye for detail, that sort of thing.

So I go in, book in, the guy says, all right, show us what you want. I show him just this very plain number 10 and he goes, right, okay, and I've got to do that right. I might just get my assistant Wobbsy over here to take care of that one and then this guy rocks over that's like a work experience tattooist and he's like, oh, yeah, I'll take it from here. I'm like, oh, oh. And I'm like in a state of panic but like paralyzed

because you don't want to go like insult someone and go, you look like you're shit at your job. You look like a fucking idiot. So can you not do that? So I'm just going along with it going, oh, look, it's not that hard to do i'll just get that done and then he goes over photocopies what i've given him this is number 10 and then gets a pencil and freehand straight freehand traces it and then shows it to me but like does it completely wrong and like shows me this number 10 and he's like is that all right mate and i'm like it's absolutely not all right.

That is terrible and you're scaring me. And he's like, what's wrong with it? And I go, how can you fuck up a number 10 when you've traced it? It's not even like you've free-handed it. You've traced that off tracing paper and you've still got it wrong. And I love it because he's got the photocopy. Like why take the photocopy if you're then just going to do your own copy of it by hand? Well, what happens is he traces it and then he sort of sticks it on my chest

and then traces around that. Okay, right. But he's like got this symmetrical 10 and a symmetrical 1 and like got it wrong. Like how do you get a symmetrical 1 wrong? But anyway. And then he just sticks it on my chest and goes, oh, good. And I literally sit him down and go, mate, listen, I'm a graphic designer. I do not want something fucked up on my chest forever.

I'm watching you very fucking closely. This cannot happen. Like this is what you're doing then. Go back and start again, mate. This is not happening. And how's he taking the bits? He's like, he shits himself. He got really scared.

I went, oh, no. And I'm like, man, I feel like this is his first or second job ever. So he goes back to the photocopier again. And then, like, you can tell when he starts on my chest, he, like, takes extra care to do it. But he just goes over and over and, like, he's taking way too long to do it. And I'm like, is that a bad thing in tattooing?

If you're, like, taking two hours to do a tan and you're just pressing the needle in really hard and going over it a lot of times. I like how at the start of this story, the work experience guy comes out, you're too pressing the needle in really hard and going over it a lot of times. I like how at the start of this story the work experience guy comes out, you're too polite to say anything but then as soon as it starts immediately that goes out the window and you're just going, get it right, you fucking idiot. Where was this when he came out?

Like why didn't you just go no thank you before we begin? Like I said, a one and a zero, that must be, you know, you don't even need to be a tattooist to know how to draw a one and a two. Yeah, I could do that. Yeah, yeah. Get me a needle and some ink. Come over here and give it a go. Come on.

Clean this up, will you? That would be my nightmare because I'm always trapped in that kind of middle class world of politeness where, like, the stakes are so high. This is going to be on your body forever. Yeah. But I have to say some not very nice things to someone that might hurt their feelings.

That's the worst position for me. And also because you have to say something to clear it in their head, you better do a good job. And then you put the fear of God in them or made them a bit angry. And that's going to affect the tattoo. Yeah, yeah. Surely that's going to affect it. And I'm not, you know, I don't think, I think it could have been done better.

But that's the thing. I mean, you get tattoos, you know, obviously that's going to affect it. And I'm not, you know, I don't think, I think it could have been done better. But that's the thing. I mean, you get tattoos, you know, obviously it's permanent. And, you know, some people, it has real significance and meaning to them and it's something that they then carry around and it always reminds them of that. What better thing if you get a shitty tattoo and then you look at it and you go, this is just a reminder to just speak up if something doesn't feel right.

I've got a reminder to just let politeness go out the window. What about this that I did? If you see someone, it's like a fridge magnet. If you see something, say something. Don't count to ten, just speak up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I had a bad situation like that once where someone reminded me of it the other day.

I was at the trades hall like waiting to see a show and I was by myself and a woman came and sat next to me and I thought she was normal. We started talking about the shows we were seeing. And then I had a sandwich that I'd ordered. They brought it over and I started eating it. And this woman said to me, she was quite nice, and then she suddenly said, excuse me, would you like an extra slice of cheese for that sandwich? Right.

And I was like, and in my head I went, say no. But politeness just overtook and I was like, oh, that'd be lovely, right? How much cheese was in the sandwich to begin with? Just a couple of slices. She's just a woman. She's just a woman. So she got the cheese from her hand. Well, I spread my slices like that and she

went into her handbag and pulled out a loose, like a loose like not in a wrapper, just a slice of cheese. Not in a wrapper? Not in a plastic wrapper. Not a Kraft single just like we're talking a bigger. No, no, a Kraft single but not wrapped. Like it was obviously out of

a lunchbox or something. Oh my god. And then I just spread my, she put it in and I closed it and then I had to just eat it in front of her. It was the worst. Jesus Christ. It was really bad. And she just looked – she looked normal and I couldn't work out. So you needed what I had.

I needed to say, no, thank you. I'm fine for cheese. I want to know everything about this woman. I know. I just want to know no, thank you. I'm fine for cheese. I want to know everything about this woman. I just want to know her whole backstory. She looked about 50. She had those glasses on that trendy women that are divorced wear, you know? Yeah, I know the ones.

And like just a long flowing outfit. She might have been a bit of a hippie. Maybe she didn't want to waste food. I don't know. Did you get a look into the bag and see if there was any other loose items of food want to waste food. I don't know. Did you get a look into the bag and see if there was any other loose items of food hanging around in there? I don't know. I just saw it come out of the bag like that, shaking.

She would have been pumped too that night. She would have been like, I totally paid it forward today. Tick. Been carrying around that cheese slice for 20 years. She's got a cheeseless sandwich and then boom. She's a ghost and that was slice for 20 years. She's got a cheeseless sandwich and then boom. She's a ghost and that was her unfinished business in this life. Finally she can pass on to the next realm.

That's great if she paid it forward. If she hadn't done that to her five years ago, she's like, well, I can't let this teeth go unforwarded on. You know now what you've got to do? You've got to pay it forward. I've got to get a slice of cheese into someone's sandwich. That's the challenge. In between now and the next time you're on the show, you need to have a stranger accept a slice of cheese from you.

Spread their slices. I don't think it literally needs to be cheese, but it needs to be something on that level of cheese. I'm trying to think of what favour she was given by someone. You've got to find someone eating something and have something that could make it better. Like she got off a tram and someone said, oh, I think you dropped something and it was like a ticket stub that was useless but she picked it up

and she was like, but that's good. I didn't litter. I've got to find something low. Yeah. Really low. I've got some cheese. Loose cheese. That'll do, you know.

You don't want to go giving someone your liver or anything. So maybe you go past KFC, see someone coming out of there and you go, got a bit of avocado here. Did you want that? Avocado is expensive at those joints too. That's like two extra bucks if you want it in your burgers and stuff. I'll just start hanging out in public with loose food. Or just, you know, you can have some little sachets of sugar.

You know, you see someone drinking a coffee, you're like, a bit of sugar in that coffee? Yeah. That's too sensible though. I like the weirdness of the unexpected of extra cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need some sort of accompaniment. Did she really check out your sandwich to make sure it had no cheese? No, it had cheese. It was an extra slice of cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need some sort of accompaniment. Did she really check out your sandwich to make sure it had no cheese?

No, it had cheese. It was an extra slice of cheese. She obviously saw that I had cheese and was like, here's a cheese fan. Because if there's no cheese in it, if you wanted cheese in it, you'd have cheese in there. No, it was extra cheese. You really are polite.

If you don't have cheese, there's a big chance you don't like cheese. She's seen your cheese and gone, there's a fan of cheese. Yeah, she loves cheese. You really are polite. If you don't have cheese, there's a big chance you don't like cheese. She's seen your cheese and gone, there's a fan of cheese. Yeah, she loves cheese. What if you carry around a miniature grill and you just like see someone with a sandwich like, you want that toasted? Oh, that's good. Toasting it for them. That's pretty good.

Speaking of people, crazy people on the street, not that your cheese friend is crazy, but well, let's confirm she is. I'm a friend of the show, Guy Shields, that pops up on the show every now and then, who was like saying to me the other day, look, I don't want, this doesn't need to be on your show. And I'm like, I bet it won't be, but now it is. Because I love the crazy man on the street that comes up and offers you things and stuff like that.

He said he was at the train station and was just walking along and this guy comes up to him and goes, hi, who are you? And he's like, oh. Oh, God. He goes, oh, alright, my name's Guy, up to him and goes hi who are you he said he was he said he had a um a water bottle but it was like empty and he comes up and goes oh you've got a you got some water there you got a water bottle and he's like a little bit scared just going yeah nah, no, yeah, I've got a water bottle but I don't have any water. And he goes, oh, yeah, empty, empty bottle.

I could probably have that. I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, you could give that to me and then I could have it. And he goes, nah, I don't think I will. And he's like, all right, good to see you. And walked away. Wow. Just asked for his garbage.

So that's the reverse. He's like paying it backwards. Yeah. He's just trying to go, good to see you. And walked away. Wow. Ask for his garbage. So that's the reverse. He's like paying it backwards. He's just trying to go around and take stuff off people. Well, he's given cheese to someone else and thought, you know what? Someone owes me something out of this. It's time for the universe to come and knock on it. I don't like his style though, you know? I don't like his style at all because it's like it's a weird way in.

You go, hey. Who are you? I see you've got an empty water bottle there. I could really use that bottle. And you'd be like, sure, you can have it. But it's like, hey, you could give that to me. Yeah. Yeah, I could or I could not give that to you.

Yeah, the passive aggression of just I could have that is great. Yeah. Just putting all the possibilities out there. I could have it. I'm a little bit taken with his opener. Who are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just straight up to someone in the street.

What a big question. I'd probably have a breakdown. I don't know. Oh, God. Who is anyone? Maybe a comedian, maybe a hairdresser. I don't know anymore. Just going back to what my opener would be when I cut people's hair.

Right. Maybe I'd do that. Maybe I'd just go, who are you? Or do you want some cheese? Freak them out. I've just been thinking about this for the last ten minutes or so. Maybe my thing would be that the chat that you get from me is like super raw.

So someone comes in and they sit down and I'm like, so how old were you when you lost your virginity? Talk me through your first time. That's my hook. Or maybe you could go, like coming from comedy, you just use it as crowd work. Yeah, exactly. You come in and we get pretty deep. It's no surface Or maybe you could go like coming from comedy, you just use it as crowd work. Yeah, exactly. What do you do? You come in and we get pretty deep.

It's no surface bullshit about what you do for work or whether you've got a day off. I'm coming in. Parents alive or dead? What's your relationship like with them? Talk me through the divorce. That's your hairdresser name. Tommy's hypothetical. And when the chat gets too real for me I just bail out of the haircut I'm like they're like yeah and then uh I guess that's as far as I remember that's the first time

dad touched me I'm like okay well the haircut's all done and it's like one side shaved and the other's still fully grown as he's saying that you get out the number one clipper just quickly all right see you next time do you want to book in another appointment yeah you'd come to that wouldn't you you'd come to that it couldn't you? You'd come to that hairdresser? It couldn't be any worse than the ones I've been getting. All right, sure. Eddie, so this is the Australian version of Oscar season at the moment. This is Logie season.

You know what it is. You're up for a Logie. I'm not up for a Logie. Yes, you are. No, everyone's up for a Logie at this point, I think. Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. It's like a real scattergun approach. It's like you're on TV, we'll put you up there.

And then it's like I think that people can vote. Yes. And then if you get enough votes, then you're actually shortlisted. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, but you're on the website. I've got the website right in front of me. You are one of, admittedly... That's 13.2 million people that are on television.

I think you're next to Louis the Fly. Yeah, there's a lot of people. He's had a good year. He's due. He's going to get the Denzel for training day logie where it's like, this year wasn't his best work, but he should have gotten it years ago kind of thing.

It's hard time for flies. Louis doesn't even get in the house anymore if you notice that. He's always on the fucking patio just like going I want to go in there. He doesn't get over the threshold.

Well Louis should never get nominated. He should be on the in memorial every year because every year he gets killed or whatever. He should be that every year. I've got a real problem with insect repellent ads.

There's one for cockroaches where people are sitting at a table and they lift a bowl up and then cockroaches run and then they record people's reactions. It's supposed to be like a real reaction to cockroaches. And I don't mind cockroaches that much and I think they're freaking out a little bit too much but that's cool. And then the ad is like a real live cockroach and this spray and a person just sprays it and the thing dies and I find that confronting and violent.

Yeah. Because I don't kill insects. Like spiders, I pick them up, take them outside, bugs, I put them outside. I don't think there's any particular reason. I feel like sometimes you're at someone's house and you see – it's not your house and you see a bug and you like go to automatically just scoop it up and then they just stomp on it and I hate them. I feel less about them.

That ad is just – it's very violent to me. Really close, is it, in their little faces? It's just – Yeah, that's pretty horrible, yeah. It's just very violent to me. Really close, is it, in their little faces? It's just shh. Yeah. That's pretty horrible, yeah. And I don't think there's anything – and the tone of the ad is like, great, great, we killed it. Seven more teams, new slogan.

Great, great. Full stop. Great, great, we killed it. Dead. And I don't like that. I find that hard to deal with. Yeah. It is weird like kind of personifying the thing that you're trying to kill and making it a little cute character.

Yeah, like you wouldn't show – like, okay, if you had like a mouse plague in your house and you set traps that killed a mouse, I don't think anyone would want to see a mouse get killed in a trap. Yeah, because mousetraps are brutal. But we haven't quite extended our empathy to cockroaches yet. I wonder if the cockroaches watch it like as propaganda videos in their communities. Like, look what they're doing to us.

Yeah, it's the triumph of the world for cockroaches. It's like an ISIS videotape. Look what the infidel does. Sprays us like dogs But you are So you're up for it at the moment Anyone listening can vote on the The big list that's out there

On logies.com.au or whatever it is Yes It does kind of like take the shine off the logies a little bit When you look at it it's like this glitz and glamour And this big award show and stuff And then like you said when it's at this point where You're voting for people by cutting a coupon show and stuff. And then, like you said, when it's at this point where you're voting for people by cutting a coupon out of a magazine and posting that in,

you know? No, you don't have to do that. I voted the other day and you just… You can do it on the web but the fact that it's still just a magazine. I'm a romantic. I like to clip and send. You should. Who buys TV Week these days?

I don't know. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Dentists? Yeah You could have won a special prize if you had And hairdressers Yeah Tommy can get a free salon

Yeah Maybe that can be my thing My guarantee is that the magazines are all up to date Well there's that reputation of the hairdressers Where I used to hear this years ago Of people in the comedy festival and whatever You know everyone's always looking for an edge Of like how to get people to their show.

I remember people would go, you know what you do? You just go to hairdressers, give them all free tickets, and then they come to your show. And then they've got nothing else to talk about. They talk. For the next week, they just talk about your show. Tom Gleeson told me that many years ago. Oh, really?

He doesn't have any hair. Again, another person probably doesn't go to the hairdressers. Wow, he's really taking a hit for the team. What is he doing here? So yeah, so maybe you should incorporate it then. If you become a hairdresser while you're a comedian, then you can just be in there and go, you know who's show I saw the other night?

Mine. It's great. You should go along. Yeah, or I'm this great hairdresser. I'm open for like an hour at the end of the day. Then I get to the end of the haircut, the doors lock, and a big light comes on, and then I this great hairdresser. I'm open for like an hour at the end of the day. Then I get to the end of the haircut. The doors lock and a big light comes on and then I just do my show.

I just spin the chair around and I just do my show for you. And everyone's got the smock on still so they sort of can't get up or anything. Yeah. And every time you do a really great joke where you'd normally get a round of applause, they're just clapping their hands under the smock. Yeah, they're just muffling through the smock. It's just muffled applause. Yeah, that'll work.

Then you get the mirror and you show them the back of their heads and then they're away. Nice. I get the mirror, I show them the back of the jokes. I find that really awkward when they show you the back of your head because you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good, yeah, yeah. I mean, because there's no way that I'm going to go, oh, Jesus, that's… Bad around the back. Yeah.

What do you do? I find it exciting because you never see it. It's like this is this rare part of my – like I reckon how many haircuts do you get a year? Like maybe, you know, one every couple of months? Yeah, three months. I see the back of my head six times a year. It's exciting. I see it and I always think, oh, well, that'll be good for the people behind me on the tram to see.

Yeah. Like who sees the back of your head. It's good. You get to see how the other half live. Could I suggest for you that you take a photo of the back of your head and pop it on as your screensaver? On my phone? Yeah. That's not a bad idea.

You see always the back of your head. Yeah. That's actually a really good idea. I'm going to start doing that. I saw my arse in a hotel mirror. In a hairdresser? No, in a hotel mirror. Because you know sometimes you're in a hotel and they love a mirror.

There's nothing to make you feel bad about yourself. I don't want to see my full frontal nude body when I'm in the shower. Yeah. At all. And then I get out and this one just was positioned so there was a lot of mirrors and, you know, it was like the end of Enter the Dragon. I didn't really know where I was, which one was me. So it did that disassociative thing where I was like

whose ass is that? And it was not good seeing it was like, you know when you're on acid you shouldn't look in the mirror because you see yourself objectively like you're looking at a whole other person. I was looking at a whole other person's ass and I was like that's not a good ass. Well I've talked about this on the show a bit before. This is

happening more and more now the mirror right in front of the toilet what is going on what are we doing so when you sit down nothing else to do just looking straight on it yourself oh when you sit down I was going to say I've been in I had a friend

who had a house that had a mirror behind the toilet so as you're urinating standing standing up urinating, you're watching yourself do it. It's like you should never see that. That looks insane. I went to a bar once where the urinal was just an entire mirror. Right.

And so you're literally just pissing all over yourself. That's odd. Oh. Yeah. And you're looking sideways and seeing every angle of everyone. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. It's, yeah, too much. Yeah. Yeah. And you're looking sideways and seeing every angle of everyone. Yeah, kind of, yeah. It's, yeah, too much. Yeah.

Oh, jeez, the less you get of your own cock and balls, the better. But I love how you said, oh, whose arse is that? Like there might be another arse in the room. Well, that's what it felt like because it felt like I was in the corner. It felt like being in a change room. Yeah, it was not good. I was in Ikea on Saturday and I walked into like one of the little display, you know, like rooms that they have.

And I walked past a bit that I thought was a mirror but it wasn't. It was just like a doorway. Oh, right. And like as I stepped into it thinking that it was a mirror, a guy on the other side stepped in at the exact same time, which just kind of further solidified in my head that it was a mirror because I thought it was my reflection. And there was a couple of seconds of going and then he sort of turned around as I turned around.

And I was like, what's this T-shirt that I'm wearing and why am I? Oh, it's an old Indian man. That's not a mirror at all. But it was just bizarre because he stepped in at the exact same time and it was like bizarre that it took me that long to work out. That ain't me. But it was nice. In my downstairs bathroom when you're taking a piss, you look at –

I love religious kitsch and so I got this present from a guy who was the company manager of Shane Warland Musicals. He knew I liked religious kitsch and he got me this – it's kind of like holographic pictures. It's Jesus on the cross and it's just his head and it's ultra-photographic realism and he's got the crown of thorns and blood and he's got the shit beaten out of him. He looks fucked.

It's great. And depending on where you move your head, the eyes open and close. Oh, great. And there's a really great position if, you know, you're taking a pissing, you can get one eye open and one eye closed and he looks like he's on ecstasy. And I love it so much. And it sits in the toilet.

And my daughter always, five-year-old daughter, always uses the upstairs bathroom. I'm like, why are you doing that? She's, I'm terrified of Jesus. So we had to take Jesus out of the room. I traumatised her. It was like, she was like growing up in a Greek Orthodox house. I was traumatising her with religion.

But, you know, when you're a kid and, like, I would have that. There'd be pictures in the house where I wouldn't go in certain rooms because I'd be scared of the pictures. Like, I used to not go in my parents' bedroom as a child because there was a picture. It was this sort of older picture. I'd go past there and go, I'm not going in there. And mum would say, why?

And I'd say, she's looking at me. The picture's looking at me. And it was a picture of my mum. But she was – Wow. There's a lot going on. Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah, we haven't got time for that.

We've only got an hour. Now, if you were a hairdresser, you should open with that. Exactly. This is good stuff. This is good stuff for the haircut. I'm taking my time with this one. I'm feeling by the minute for this haircut. Oh, that's so good.

Let's look at some of the nominees or whatever you call them who are up against you in the process. You're up against Stefan Dennis. Who's that? Who's Stefan Dennis? Paul Robinson in Neighbours. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah. These are the people that you shouldn't vote for, that you should vote for Eddie instead of. Yeah, there's a lot of names. You're up against Alf, Ray Ma. Yeah, yeah, Ray Ma. Yeah, don't vote for him. John Waters, there's like old school names in Ma. Yeah, don't vote for him. John Waters?

There's like old school names in here. Is this the actor category? Yeah. Guy Pearce. You're up against, you're in the same category. Oh, really? What's he? Jack London?

Jack Irish. Jack Irish, yeah. Jack London. Jack London, yeah. He's making suits now. Something. Yeah. He wore a nice shirt one day.

Yeah. Well, some people would throw up. He's up against Luke McGregor who I voted for. Sorry. It's all right. I'll get another account. Oh, Luke McGregor. I know Luke McGregor.

Yeah. Yeah. I haven't voted but I'd vote for Luke McGregor as well. No. Let's vote for you. You're on the show. Let's vote for you. I'll be fine.

I'll be fine. It's weird how not particularly cool Logies are, isn't it? We're pretty mean. What's another? Australians just being mean to themselves about everything. Yeah. Happy Australia Day, everyone. You know, no one goes, oh, that actor is great.

They've won three Logie Awards. Like, you know, it's not going to be on a fan tale anytime soon, is it? Oh, it might be. But, yeah, I know you mean. It's not a measure. It doesn't seem to be like a measure. Especially when it might be. But, yeah, I know what you mean. It's not a measure. It doesn't seem to be like a measure. Especially when it frequently just goes to like someone who's been on a crappy soap opera for 20 years and it's like, hey, part of the furniture, you should get one of them now.

Yeah. And then there's also those weird, what are they called now? Actors or? Yeah, they've got a really bad name. Yeah, they used to be the old AFIs and it's the Actor Awards. Yeah, but they're the ones that are kind of given prestige, aren't they? And the Logies are a bit of a joke. Especially when the Logies don't do themselves any favours by it.

They always have like an American celebrity out who has no idea what's going on or who anyone is. And it's like it'll be someone from the Big Bang Theory just reading out Ray Ma's name. It's like he doesn't know. And then watching a montage of this guy saying Flaming Heck or whatever. And you just see the sitcom actor there going, where am I? What weird backwater have I been thrown out to? Why am I here?

For $2 million. Yeah, yeah. But still, I'm a little bit disappointed that you're nominated or whatever you call it, whether it's nominated or you're up for it. I would call that a long list. Right, right, right. You know. I'm long listed.

That's exciting a little bit. Like, Loki's is something that you grow up with. that's that's exciting a little bit like logies is something that you grow up with like isn't there a little bit of you that would go yes it's a it's an amazingly fun night to go to right is it yeah because you've been to um three i'm into three oh awesome and um it's fun because not in the way you'd expect because the ceremony is kind of goes for a long time and you're sort of trapped at the tables and getting into the logo is hideous because there's this media wall.

Like the media kind of wall you go along is like, it feels like a kilometre. And you sort of shuffle along and you're always between people that are actually interesting that people want to photograph and you just kind of don't know who wants to take a photo of you or not. And then you have to do interviews and it's a very strange,

self-conscious thing. And you get in there and you just drink a lot of alcohol. But the after party is great because all these kind of random people that you watch on television, there's no partners or friends allowed. Oh, right. It's completely just whoever's been invited to the Logies. And you only get invited if you're kind of with a TV show. So you get to kind of meet, you know, you hang out with Giggle and Hoot.

Yeah. You know, Dr. Chris. You know, you get to talk about your pets with Dr. Chris. I'm sure he loves that. Off duty at an after party, he's still getting pet questions. Hung out with Commando. All the guys from MasterChef are there. They're really cool.

And everyone's kind of relaxed because there's no normal people in there. You know what I mean? So, you know, okay, everyone's on TV. There's this weird thing with being on the telly. Is it people on telly just kind of talk to you like you're their friend because you're also on the telly. Yeah, yeah, great. Even though you never met.

And so it's really strange mostly but in that context you get to have, you know, there's Quartermain, there's Steve Quartermain. You know. Quartz. Quartermain. I don't know. So, you know, you just meet these really kind of interesting people. You don't have to worry about selfies or anything like that.

It's just like we're all on the same level here, guys. Yeah. We're all on the telly. It's all cool. So, yeah, it's kind of fun. It's kind of – So, the partners get to come to the ceremony and then they just get sent home. No, no.

One big party bus comes and picks up all of them. You can get a ticket for your partner to come to the party but not to the ceremony sort of thing. I think that's how it works. Ah, right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's how it works. But you wouldn't bother – would you bother putting a partner through it or would you be like, I'm just going off and doing something on my own? I brought Luce along too. We've always had a good time. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun.

Is it about like the brown low count in terms of boringness? I don't know. It's really, you know, you see the person hosting. It's such an awful job. Nobody listens to what they have to say. Yeah. Yeah. For four hours.

And you've got Popey doing the. Doing warm up. Doing warm up. And, you know, like it's just like watching. Even someone like Popey who like seems to be like run on a kind of a nuclear generator of unexhaustible goodwill and yeah and gags you see him get ground down during the night and everybody talks over everyone and it's just what's like i think that'd be like um because you're all in showbiz already it's like this

your powers don't work on me yeah you know i know what you're doing so i don't have to listen to the warm-up guy it's like when you when you're being heckled at a comedy gig by friends like if you're being heckled by randoms you can sort of go ah and shut them down and you know humiliate them and then they shut up and they go oh we're scared now but if if friends heckle you and then you shut them down they go no you we know who you are so go fuck yourself like we don't have to do that but why are they heckling you you're scared of a picture of your mum you fucking idiot yeah yeah yeah exactly so you've you're you've done you've contributed songs to uh strictly ballroom and you yeah yeah which is just opened in melbourne uh two weeks ago just over a week ago yeah right yeah so that's been good so i've been working with um i've been working with Baz Luhrmann.

I've been reading about this. What's he like? I've got lots of Baz stories. Oh, really? Yeah. I was fascinated by that because the thing that I was reading was like saying, you know, I'm like, oh, that's cool. You know, Eddie gets to work for him and write a song.

And then it clearly became evident that it wasn't as clear as that And you had a bit of back and forth Yeah, well, yeah The thing about Baz is I wasn't sure whether I would get along with Baz So I was like, this guy's, you know I only know about him through the press Lawrence Mooney interviewed him on the red carpet

For Dirty Laundry Life. I saw that. He seems insane. Yeah, that was a particularly insane. That was when Lawrence said to him, who is Baz Luhrmann? And he said, I don't know, I would say like a brand, you know.

And I was like, oh wow, I don't know. But it makes a lot more sense now, you know, having worked with him. And I thought, oh, how am I going to – so the first time I hung out with Baz, I got – So is Baz – can I ask, is Baz short for Barry or is it just a – where's Baz come from? Yeah, I think it's – yeah, I guess it's short for Barry.

He was in town auditioning for Strictly Ballroom and the producers at Global Creatures who were producing Strictly Ballroom rang me up and said, do you want to go for a walk with Baz? And I was like. That sounds like a code that the mob would use. Yeah. Where's Eddie gone? He went for a walk with Baz.

Ah, he's gone for a walk with Baz. He sleeps with the Lumens now. So I was like, yeah, I'll go for a walk with Baz. Ah, you've gone for a walk with Baz. He sleeps with the Lumens now. So I was like, yeah, I'll go for a walk with Baz. And then I get this email going, okay, so it's going to be like a little bit chilly and you might be walking along the river, so maybe think about bringing some warm clothes. I'm like, I know how to wear clothes in the world. I'll be all right. So I go and meet him

And we're Do you have to go through wardrobe To walk with Baz Luhrmann Yeah Do you need to get some Sequins on No but He kind of goes through wardrobe

Right In real life Like in It's amazing to watch right So I go to Go to the Opera Australia headquarters In South Bank

And Baz is wrapping up And he's getting You know Ready to go for a walk With me And he And he turns to waters in South Bank and Baz is wrapping up and he's getting, you know, ready to go for a walk with me and he turns to – he's got two assistants at the time, it was Paul and Angus, lovely guys, and he's like, Paul, Paulie, should I wear the full puffer jacket or just the sleeves and should I take the hat?

And so they had this conversation and went for, you know, a few minutes about what Baz should wear on this walk. I was like that's a bit weird. I mean the walk's the role of a lifetime. You've got to make sure you get it right. Yeah. And then we go for a walk and we just kind of walked really weird but back to his hotel I think he's staying in a hotel in the

city and sort of walked and talked and we talked to Baz strictly and he wanted me to write a song and it was really good because he's a super smart dude. He's really funny. He's really kind of one-on-one, really kind of down-to-earth, normal dude. And so, yeah, I said, yeah, I'll write a song. And so we started sort of working together, me writing stuff

and then going up and hanging out with him. But, you know, he does, he lives in this, his whole idea is that, you know, if life is a pyramid of, you know, of shit you've got to do and right down the bottom of the pyramid in the largest areas, things like, you know, paying bills, booking tickets, you know, putting the bins out, all that shit you have to do in your real life. Baz has kind of created this structure where he lives at the top of the pyramid, the tip of the iceberg, where all he does is creative stuff.

Eat ice cream. He's there in the meetings. He's talking about ideas, but he doesn't hold the keys. He doesn't hold the phone. He doesn't hold the wallet. He doesn't book the tickets. He doesn't drive the car. Yeah.

So it's this. That's my dream. Yeah. Totally seductive because you're looking at it and you're like, oh, imagine this. Living in the 3%. Yeah. Imagine someone had my keys. Yeah.

Having someone to book your flights for you, that's one thing. But like when you get to the point where you're not even, you never even touch your own phone. I mean that is just, it rings and someone just holds it up to your head. Yeah. That's joy. You've got someone to stare at your phone at parties for you it's amazing so like he doesn't keep the diary you know like they'll just be like

baz we need to we need to leave in five minutes and so he'll he'll go oh can i take 10 minutes here and can you you know and they'll sort out the next meeting to make sure they know they're going to be arriving late all that kind of stuff so it kind of the whole thing moves around i think paulie's job the assistant was the title literally his title was to move Baz through time and geography. Oh my God. Yeah. And that sounds weird, right? I didn't know about that until I read it in, there was an article about Baz in the New York Times and I read that. That's so good.

And so that's not like a secret or anything. That was in the paper. And I thought, that's a weird job. But you see it in action and that's exactly what they do. But I love those two parameters. Moving someone through time, that's easy. That's like anyone can – you just sort of sit there. It doesn't sell. Yeah, exactly. I just envisage Baz sitting down.

He's like, it's just like I need someone to move me through time and geography. And then someone just goes, get someone onto that. Yeah. And the downside is that you're never really alone. And he's always talking about the machine, you know, I've set up this machine, I'm part of the machine. And it has problems of its own. But, you know, we got together, we were talking about how fast time passes.

You know, and I was like, yeah, I feel like I'm always either putting the bins out or bringing them in. And I know that happens once a week but it happens so often. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, you don't. You've never touched a bin. I can't imagine Baz Luhrmann bought a bin in.

It feels like every day my slave is taking that bin out. He's like, hang on, let me talk to my geography man for a minute. What's a bin? It's funny the idea of Paulie, like before he got that job, just like I love the idea that you just see that in the classified, like wanted top secret client, needed assistant to move them

through time and geography, like yeah, this is the thing I've been looking for. It's extraordinary. I'm going to quit comedy. But then you think about all the work you can do when you've got that mechanism in your life. Absolutely. He operates on this crazy high level.

He lives his work and he just goes from meeting me. He does multiple things at once and he's frigging Baz Luhrmann. You can't help but go, dude, you've got to work. I mean, I don't know if it's my kind of ideal life because I like some of the – Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be able to – you know, I like to be able to – It's nice to have a bit of roughage. Well, to know what – you know, like I like to catch a tram and I like to, you know, I like to be able to... It's nice to have a bit of roughage. Well, to know what...

You know, like I like to catch a tram and I like to, you know, cook a meal. Well, that's the thing I sort of wondered. Like once you remove yourself from normal life, you no longer sort of relate to the normal person. But then again, I'm thinking of Baz Luhrmann's movies and going, yeah, you probably don't need to relate to anyone. Make a Moulin Rouge. Like there's no, you know, normal people in there. You don't really want to direct a Moulin Rouge. There's no normal people in there.

You don't really want to direct a $40 million movie and then be topping up your Mikey. Yeah. I would like to see his take on just modern life though. Yeah. Like just a straight up and down. I'd like to see him just do a really straight by the numbers rom-com and just to have a crack at how people in relationships

actually talk to each other in the real world. I think it would be fascinating. Make a 7-Up series of movies or remake Clerks or something like that. Oh, Baz Luhrmann remaking Clerks. Now that's something. But yeah, no matter how kind of big you are, there's always the next sort of thing. What is it?

Never ends. And it doesn't end, you know. And no matter who you are, how far up the food chain you are, there's always, you know, some other goal you want to reach, you know, especially if you're kind of ambitious and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. That's no good. Well, that's my goal.

That's just, yeah, the 3% life. Yeah. Get all the cream. Well, you know, I want to do a comedy show and have people turn up. That's sort of like where I'm at, you know. Just, yeah, the 3% life. Yeah. Get all the cream. Well, you know, I want to do a comedy show and have people turn up. That's sort of like where I'm at. Yeah, yeah. Or any show and just be able to sell tickets or to be able to play this size nice theatre or, you know, that kind of thing.

The other day when I was dragging my banjo to a trial show, it was like 40 degrees and I got on the chapel. Literally just dragging on the ground. And I looked in my bag, of course I didn't have my wallet. Dragging your bandrews through geography. Hey, time is well. Let's not undersell this. I just said, I just was like on the tram, I was just like,

I wish someone would help me. You said that? Yeah. Just like, I don't want to be bad, but just someone drop me at my trial show. I love I wish someone would help me because it's so open-ended. It's like that could be carrying the banjo. It could just be working out what the fuck I'm doing.

Well, no wonder you've got people coming up to you slices of cheese when you're sitting there. Help me. Yeah, you finally get help and it's like weird. What do you want? I wish someone would feed me. I wish someone would help my sandwich. You were saying to me something on the way here about being on a plane.

Yeah, I threw up on the plane on New Year's Day in front of my parents. Oh. On a flight to Launceston. Oh. Yeah, so I woke up really hungover because I'd been out the night First day in front of my parents on a flight to Launceston. So, yeah. So I woke up really hungover because I'd been out the night before with no regard for what I had to do the next day, which was get up at eight and catch a flight with my parents. It was at 4 a.m.

I was going, yeah! So I woke up and I decided in my mind the way I was going to fix it was to eat. Like I was just going to eat my way out of the hangover. So the first thing I ate was a large packet of salt and vinegar chips. Then I ate. That's a bad starting point. Real bad. I don't know what you're doing.

That's wrong. And then we caught a cab to the airport. Then I had a muffin and a hot tea. This is all backwards. This is all completely backwards. Then I got on the plane and they put the tray down and I ate all of it. Like the zucchini slice. This is annoying me.

The cheese on biscuits. This is really annoying. Another cup of tea. That's like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda going, oh, you've got it all wrong, grasshopper. Starting with the salt and vinegar chips. Oh, that was the worst start. That's just a great base for anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, so I was like, yeah, I've got this. And then on the descent, whoa. We went through a bit of turbulence and I just got, you know, when you get real hot and you're going to like a spew prickle. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. And I tried to like just meditate out of it and I was like,

no, it's coming up. So I went to look for bags and they don't have bags anymore. Yeah. Did you know that? I did. I was actually thinking that the other day. Well, we were already in lockdown, like seatbelts were on. How are people getting their photos developed these days?

So I had to like, my parents were like two seats behind me, I was surrounded by people and I put my head out and I made eye contact with the air hostess and I go, I need a bag! I need a spew bag! And she like had to get out of the seat, get the bag, shoot at me. You couldn't get out the Gesto magazine and fashion a bag out of a four-page article about Perth winery?

Because there is no international gesture for I'm about to spew, is there? No, I didn't spew. I just did a head job. Yeah, he really ended up giving someone a blowjob. This but the reverse. Like it's going out. It's not going in.

Yeah. And I filled two bags. So they did have the bags. They had the bags somewhere else. I don't know. On New Year's Day, I reckon they need to change their policy. They make you beg for them. Oh, New Year's Day.

New Year's Day. Yeah. And I filled. That's a great final day for spewing. Yeah. So they make you ask. I mean – That's a great final day for spewing. Yeah. I'd feel two bags. So they make you ask. I mean, that's bad.

If that's happening to you, you just want discreet right there. Yeah, because then everyone around me knows like I've got the bags and then they're all just like, here we go. And I'm just like – What kind of volume spewer are you? I was loud. And I also think I'm going to die every time I spew. You know?

You know that? Yeah. I'm going to die every time I spew. You know? You know that? Yeah. I'm going to choke and die. This is it. I'm going to die on the plane to Launceston. A good spew though. Very cathartic I think. As you grow up I think maybe you've still got the thing I had as a child.

When I was a child I was like I would do anything to not be vomiting right at the moment. You know when you stop and you think it's a false dawn and you go, that's it, thank God. Oh, no, it's going to happen again. I really just want to cry. Like I don't want to do this anymore. But now you sort of go, that's fine. I still hate it. What I like about it though is that you get a good cry in there as well

because generally if you go hard enough, you've got your tear ducts start going and so you come up and you're bawling a little bit and it's just like, ah, she's not coming back. Like it all just, everything comes out. Emotions are coming out as well. Oh, it feels so good. That was a real bad, but I, that was the thing. I feel like you've got a few spew bags around this house.

I was going to, I felt like I was going to spew the other day and I didn't. I was actually, that upset me. I was like, oh man, it's been ages. A good spew would have been good. Yeah, when you really think about it and you go like, I'm just going to open up. I'm not going to, because there's a little part of you when you spew would have been good. Yeah, when you really think about it and you go like, I'm just going to open up. Because there's a little part

of you when your spew sort of wants to hold onto stuff and you can get into that free where it's all open and just comes pouring out and you're like, yes. You're in a vacuum where nothing matters. It's like a good episode of Hoarders. Yeah. At the end you make them get rid of all the shit they've got hanging

around the house. But the worst bit was I'd done that and I was like, yes, it's over and I'm going to feel better and stuff. And Mum and Dad were just, like, horrified. But then I got – we then had to drive as a family from Launceston to Hobart. In my mind, you're still holding these two bags. Yeah. I did have to hold them to the end.

You've got them with you now, actually. Yeah. People should know. You've walked in with them saying, I just wish someone would help. Would you like an extra bit of spew? But I Two bags of second hand cheese It's like a really disgusting version of Mary had a little lamb

Two bags full But about 10k's down the road And I was with my whole family And I was in the middle I I just went, pull over! So I got to do it again. And I'm just like on the side of the road in front of my family, just this fuck-up of a child. And my little niece was going, what's wrong with her?

I hate spewing around other people. I'd be like one of those cats that goes off somewhere to die. Just go and find a spot. I hate spewing around other people. Oh, so bad. I'd be like one of those cats that goes off somewhere to die. Yeah. Just go and find a spot. Like I've gone, you know, if I've been in a house with other people and I really need to spew, I'll go out into the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Freezing cold, doesn't matter. I'll find a spot and spew because I don't want people hearing me spew.

Yeah. I'd happily spew and then die and no one finds me. Oh, choke on it. It's a dream, isn't it? It's a dream. Well, it? That's a dream. Well, Carl, didn't you see someone spewing? Because it's always fun. You saw someone pull over and spew, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that too. That's the best when that happens. Yeah, really. Just like a cartoon. That's my favourite thing when you just see something. What cartoon character do you know that pulls over and spews? It's drive it along.

Scooby Spew you know quick comedy quick comedy and become a hairdresser no I was driving down Punt Road and just saw someone you know that thing

where you're approaching someone pretty quickly and it just all happened perfectly where someone the driver's door just flew open someone just

put their head out of the car and started spewing violently onto Punt Road. So good. So I'm driving laughing down Punt Road. Onto a main busy road. The busiest road in Melbourne.

Yeah. Have I ever told this on the show? This is from ages and ages ago. A friend of mine, his car broke down on King's Way in the middle of the city, like in peak hour. So his car just conks out. Car's backed up behind him. He's put the hazards on.

He's like, oh, fuck. And some guy in the office building near where he'd stopped saw this, got very angered by it about how my friend had diverted all this traffic, pulls up his window, leans out and goes, sort your life out, you fucking idiot. Who was the guy? Wow idiot Where was the guy? Wow Where was the guy yelling from?

Just his office window Out of an office Out of a building Oh wow So he's looking out his window He's already pissed off It's Monday morning All the reports have stacked up

Or whatever He's looked out He's like Oh god what is this? What is this? So it's in no way affecting him No Not at all

Sort your life out Good advice for this particular friend What is this? What is this? So it's in no way affecting him. No, not at all. Just... Put your life out. Good advice for this particular friend. The thing worse than having a shitty office job where your view is king's way... Yeah. ...is that you actually look out and get personally angry about the traffic. That's grim. That's bleak.

And letting that affect you. Like, you know what I mean? Making the choice to let that into your life. Like, just let it go, man. Just focus on. But what if he took that on board? Like, that would be great if he then became some great figure, some amazing job and they had the interview.

Where did it all go right to you? Well, I got to this crossroads once. And that guy has no idea that he's done this, that he set him on that path. Yeah. Sort your life out. Sort your life out. It's like if anyone's life needs to be he's set him on that path. Yeah. Sort your life out. It's like if anyone's life needs to be sorted out, it's that guy.

But I like the idea that that guy that was yelling is actually a life coach. Like that's how he gets his shit done, just does it from his office. Oh, that's great. Sort your shit out, mate. Yeah, you just pick a bad street and you're just picking people off from the window. Yeah. So that's actually from the window. Yeah. So that's actually happening all day. Yeah.

But that's what you mean when people equate what happened to your car to your entire life. Yeah. Cars just break down. It's like, yeah, that doesn't, yeah, like, yeah, that's reflective of him not having his shit. Like, he did it on purpose in some way. Just drive down King's Way in a bomb of a car.

Maybe that was Baz Luhrmann yelling from the window, just go, sort your life out, mate. Get a car person. Get someone to sort out your fucking geography. Because apparently he's not moving through time or geography. He's stranded. But I think that there is a weird man thing that like if your car's working, you've changed the oil, you've got water in there,

you make sure you're fuelled up, you get your service. That's having your life together. And there's too much sometimes because there's that fucking ad that i get so angry about every time i see it oh not the cockroaches again no no it's the wind it's the windscreens o'brien ad where a guy gets a little chip in his windscreen he's like oh don't just let it go because it could turn to a crack and he's getting his little chip filled. I'm like, how fucking boring is your life? You have the time in your life to look at a tiny speck of chip and go, I'm going to get that filled with stuff in case. That is, I just think that's a sad, I find that so epically sad.

And that logic is just completely wasted. I mean, it's like, don't leave it a chip, it'll turn into a crack. It's like, yeah, I'll just fix it when it becomes a crack. That's my approach to everything. This little thing's bad. It's like, no, I'll just wait until that problem crack it's like yeah I'll just fix it when it becomes a crack that's my approach to everything this little thing's bad it's like nah just wait until that problem gets really bad

and then I'll fix it it's like when I can't see out of my windscreen and then I'll get a new windscreen yeah you know when it falls through

and scars me for life I'll look at it and I'll think about it and there'll be old men going probably listening to this going oh you know you could have prevented that

you know and I'm like well suck shit Your life sucks so badly We do have a lot of Old men listeners Of this show Men in their 60s

Love tuning in To the little dum-dum club But it is that thing Where you know Everyone is so busy in life Like I'll write a to-do list And there's 17 things on it

And the 17th thing Will be still quite important And the chip in the windscreen Yeah Won't even get on the list. It doesn't get on the list, does it? No. Yeah.

You must be – it's like someone that's waiting for – has got everything in their life down pat. Everything's happening and they're finished and they've got no hobbies and they've got no relationships and they have no children or interests that own a television and they're like, I guess it's time to fix that chip. Yeah, yeah. The chip still wouldn't even get on the top ten, I reckon, for that guy.

You sort of just have a wank on something first. There's always something to do. It's probably a metaphor for, like, repressed sexuality anyway. It's just like, you know, he's actually gay. He's like, seal that little thing up before he comes out. Yeah. We come a crack and then. Oh, you never know what'll happen.

Next thing you know, you're sucking a cock. Next thing you know, you're getting blown on punt road. Sort your life out. Discipline, son, discipline. That guy, that guy watching a guy Get a blowjob In the middle of the street Sort your life out mate Well guys

That is all the time We have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club This week Anne Edmonds Eddie Perfect Thank you so much For joining us

Thank you for having me Thanks for having me Do you get Eddo things to plug You've got your new show Yes In two weeks I'm in the Perth Fringe

Which I'm excited about What are your dates in Perth Oh Carl Don't ask me that. You know I can't ask questions like that. It could be the 16th until the 22nd in Perth. Of February? Of February, yep. That's on my website.

And then I'm in Brisbane like two weeks after that. Right. I just realised that we've got Eddie and Edo on the show. That's good. Edo. What's your show called? You Know What I'm Like. Yeah.

Good title. Yeah, thanks. And then you've got Melbourne. Melbourne, yeah, all the time. Yeah. The whole month. You're in Town Hall. Town Hall from the 27th of March until the 19th of April, I reckon.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you'll be, look, I don't want to go too far ahead, but I reckon you may make an appearance on the Drunk Cast, that you'd be a big chance. Oh, I love the Drunk Cast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the Drunk Cast?

We do an unrecorded one of these on the last night of the comedy festival where we get really lit. With an audience. We don't just sit around because that's just a conversation. Yeah, so it's like we do a live thing where we all go a little bit crazy. Not recorded, though, thank God. Unrecorded. It could end careers.

You're very invited to come along. Oh, that sounds like a heap of fun. It's really wrong. We do it like last night of the festival, right before the closing night party. So it's like the last thing that anyone does in the festival. Possibly their careers. It's the official show of the whole festival.

One time we just chanted Carl's back until he took his top off. Good ad for it. Come down, guys. We just wanted to see his back so bad. Tommy started talking about how I had this hairy back. I'm like, I'm pretty sure I don't have a hairy back. So I take my shirt off and I don't have a hairy back. And then everyone goes, Tommy, take your shirt off.

And he unveiled. Classic projection. Yeah. There was tribesmen coming out the back of Daslo's back. take your shirt off and he I've got a hairy back and he unveiled classic projection yeah some form there was tribesmen coming out the back of Daslo's back that had never seen

sunlight before but yeah Eddie have you got things coming up that you would like to plug no the Logies

Logies yeah go and vote I want people to go you know I love the idea that people are going to vote for their

friends of the podcast On the Logies Where it is Logies.com.au So you're up there Let's get you in the nominees Let's get you That'll be exciting

There's heaps of people Like Celia's on there Luke And Limo Limo's on the long list Yeah Limo's great But this is like

You know Offsprings You know Wrapped up It'd be nice to your last thing for that role you sail off with a logie. Yeah, probably last chance ever

to get a logie. This is it. Saw your life out. Saw your logies out. We've got our podcasts that are on sale for Brisbane, Adelaide

and Melbourne at littledumbladeclub.com We've got a couple of season passes left and all that stuff. Brisbane 1st of March Adelaide and Melbourne at littledumblubclub.com. We've got a couple of season passes left and all that stuff. Brisbane, 1st of March. Adelaide, 15th of March. And then Melbourne from the 29th of March onwards for four live shows and then the drunk cast on April 19th.

Look at you with your dates. You're good. You've sorted your life out. Tommy and I have our shows on sale. Hopefully mine's on sale hopefully mine's on sale by now which I'm sure it will be

Carl Chandler world's greatest and best comedian and Brisbane is in March Melbourne it's all at my website

tommydassler.com guys and I'm doing a one off in Adelaide when we go there on the 15th of April I think we're doing

our podcast in the afternoon and I'm going to do a one off Carl Chandler World's Greatest and Best Comedian at about 8.30 or something

in the same at the producer's bar. Yeah. I'm going to be out on the town trying to find a wife. Guys, that's all the time

we have this week. Sort your wife out. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Bye.