The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 228 - Lawrence Mooney & Fiona O'Loughlin

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Plane Cartwheels, Geraldton and Religion.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by us wanting your money in exchange for looking at us in real life. Now. Oh, right. I thought that was the start of a sentence, not the beginning, middle and end of a sentence. Yeah, that was a direct request. So you're flowery and I'm direct. Okay, so coming up soon, March the 1st in Brisbane at the Sit Down Comedy Club. We have a live Brisbane Little Dum Dum Club happening as part of the Brisbane Comedy Festival. Lots of good names in town for that weekend.

If you look at the guide, it's going to be heaps of fun. Three in the afternoon, littledumdumclub.com. Then, Carl, two weeks after that. Straight to Adelaide, March 15. We are doing another live podcast. We're just over there for the podcast. So, hey, look, Brisbane are kicking your ass at the moment in terms of sales, Adelaide, so get on to it.

Pull your finger out of your bakery-sized ass. Yeah, not to make too big a point of it, but if you're listening and you're in Adelaide, you know what I want you to do? I want you to remove your finger from your little butt. I want you to take a big swig of that filthy tap water you have there. Sit down at your computer. Put some mushy peas on the end of your finger. Stick it up your arsehole.

Put those dirty fingers on your keyboard, type in littledumbdumbclub.com and buy a goddamn ticket for this show that is costing us good money to come over and do. Is that fair? Yeah, that's more than fair. Is that too much of a soft sell? Look, you're playing good cop.

I was going to play bad cop and say you have to buy five tickets each, every single person. But, yeah, look, let's go with your one. Yeah, okay. And then after that is Melbourne for the Comedy Festival every Sunday. You guys know the drill by now. Plus the now infamous drunk cast on the final night of the festival. That's April 19 at 10.30 p.m.?

Yes, yes. Leading up to that every Sunday for four weeks. You know the deal. Like Melbourne Comedy Festival, we've got everyone in town. So, you know, the guests are awesome. Every single one of the four live podcasts in Melbourne are going to be great. So get on. Plenty of you have bought tickets already.

So just the rest of you get on board now before we sell out. If you're new to the show, you can go back and listen to our ones from Melbourne last year to get a bit of a taste of what you're in store for. Also, we've got our solo shows both on sale now at comedyfestival.com.au 7pm, me and Cutie Pie and 9.45 Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian. And back in Adelaide,

when you're in Adelaide after you watch the podcast, I am doing a trial show. My first, the debut of that show is at 8.30 in the same venue that night. If you want to hang around Adelaide. And also, going back even further, what a weird way we've done this. I'm in Brisbane starting on March the 3rd

till the 8th at the Brisbane Comedy Festival debuting, or not debuting, doing my show Cutie Pie. That's at 7pm at the Brisbane Powerhouse. Finally, one last thing to plug that is not live show related. I have made a comedy pilot for a web series with Tom Ballard

with some money from SBS that we got last year. That is up right now. It's just gone up at sbs.com.au slash comedy and at the SBS On Demand app. Ronnie Chang is in it. We worked really hard on it. It's like seven minutes long. It's really funny.

And if a lot of people watch it, we'll get to make more. So please jump on that. Give it a look. Buy a goddamn ticket if you're in Adelaide. And let's do this from a couple of episodes ago when Ronnie Chang was on the Bill Burr episode when we were asking for requests. We wanted him to do his website,

all of his favourite places in Melbourne. Yep. And for people that aren't online, he's actually made it. It's imokaywithanything.com. For people that aren't online, here's a website that you are unable to look at. Some people aren't on Facebook, some people aren't on Twitter, all that stuff. And just one more thing I wanted to tell you

Tommy before we go. Yes? Oh look, I'll tell you next time. Redacted. Alright, we'll see you out there guys. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week Thank you very much for joining us My name is Tommy Dasolo Sitting next to me, the other half of the program Carl Chandler

G'day Dickhead Very exciting today Oh wow, it's the third of the trilogy Much requested The Godfather Part 3 of podcasts. Well, let's not say that. Let's say the Leonard Part 6 of podcasts. Sweet reference there.

I don't know what that is. Oh, it's a Bill Cosby movie. Oh, is it really? Oh, well, yeah, much better than the one I said. Thanks for improving it. Joining us again today, you know them from their previous appearances on this show as well as many other things, our most popular guest combos of all time.

First of all, Fiona O'Loughlin. Hello fellas, how are you? Back recording In Your House. This is like the first time we've ever done this a second time in someone else's house. This is like the unofficial second time of Little Dumbbell Club. And there's no pressure because it's a trilogy and trilogies are always shit. Yeah. Maybe this will be like the Toy Story 3 podcast where it just ends with all of us slowly descending into a pit of fire.

I cried during that. Yeah, same. Hopefully it's a Police Academy 3 where there's another five to go after this. Wow. That's what people want. And we just replace all of us with other people. Steve Guttenberg's still got a holiday house to buy. That is the voice of Dirty Laundry Live's

Lawrence Mooney. It's nice to be in Fiona's house for the third one because this is the most time you've lived anywhere, isn't it? Well, no. I lived in

Hustle Springs for 27 years. I'm just kind of like Adding to the itinerant myth That it's Fiona O'Loughlin Oh okay Right Because you kind of You lived in the back of a van for a while

I did Did you really? No With five children Yeah those few years that your family was in the circus I could be living in a van by the end of the day. I've got a... Yeah, I'm expecting some money at four o'clock.

If it doesn't go through, if comedy's a game of poker, I'm out. You're never out. You're trying to get out, but they suck you back in. This is a rental property and you are smoking inside, so imagine if the landlord comes a-knocking, you could be out on the street Aren't you allowed to smoke inside if you're paying rent? I don't know that that's specifically how it goes

I don't know that that's a They threaten you with fines at hotels But that's just bullshit You open the window or Anyway, we need to get on with the podcast Because I've got to take one of the kids to the doctor for asthma A bit later on You would smoke in hotel rooms, Fiona

I don't For fear? I'm just too scared Asthma. A bit later on. You would smoke in hotel rooms, Fiona. I don't. For fear? I'm just too scared. Do you know the best way around it? Have a cigarette, put the fan on in the bathroom. I've heard this. And then, you know, just before you go to bed, call reception and just go, I'm furious there's someone smoking on this floor.

I don't know whether it's in the air conditioning, but it seems to be coming into my bedroom. Night, sucker. I flew back from Perth the other day, and every single second on a plane it's like, do not smoke, you're not allowed to smoke when you go into the bathroom. It's all over it. When's it going to be a given?

There's adult people now who, you know, it's in their lifetime you've not been allowed to smoke on planes. Do you know what that says to me? What? Because for such a long time you haven't been able to smoke on any form of public transport, let alone planes, that people still smoke on planes. But that's it.

People go into the dunny and keep flushing it to suck the smoke down that horror it. People go into the dunny and keep flushing it to suck the smoke down that horror tube. Yeah. Because they have an ashtray in there. Yeah. Is it really? Yeah. Well, it's not enough money.

Because it's like there's like a billion signs and then there's the ashtray, which to me is just like them just giving it. It's just conceding defeat. It's like, look, you're probably still going to do it anyway. What would happen? What actually happens well i guess there is a smoke alarm or maybe that's just not even connected but if you throw a live dart into a tub of methane under pressure just imagine if that thing went up. The septic tank just blew out on a plane. This is the thing with planes. My dad told me about it.

I saw that happening. And then you sheepishly just walking out of the toilet like, sorry, everyone. And there's just a news report that Wangaratta was just covered in a shower of human feces. Flying over a bushfire. And weirdly, the flames were extinguished by the 747 Dunny explosion. Everyone who took a shit on that toilet gets awarded a hero's medal

for their services to putting out the bushfire. I remember being on a plane that was having difficulties and I was sitting next to this guy and they said, we're going to have to circle and dump fuel and then attempt to reland, right? And my sister-in-law and mother-in-law, who I never knew, were killed in a plane accident. So I thought, I've always felt as safe as houses on a plane.

So I just thought, what are the chances that my husband's going to lose his mother, sister and wife. So I shared this little anecdote with the guy next to me. That would make him feel calmer because he was freaking out and he started crying. I've kind of bought into a bit more of the physics of planes landing now and it's freaked me out.

Like I heard someone talk about a plane going into land and going in too hard and then kind of hitting the runway and like kind of cartwheeling down the runway. And then I was on a plane the other day that was landing and I kind of realised, yeah, it's coming in at this insane speed and then just touching down on the nose. Like I'd never factored in before. Oh, it's not touching down on the nose.

The rear wheels touch first. Right. You've got your hands wrong. So before. Touching down on the nose. The rear wheels touch first. Right. But I do. Your hand's wrong. So your hand like this, not a nose dive. But that's what I mean. Like, the angle is so slight that you go, every plane theoretically should just fucking go.

Like, I realise how easy it is for that to happen. Every plane. There should be more cartwheels. Every plane should crash. If it crashed once or twice, there wouldn't be every plane. Yeah, that's true. They wouldn't keep doing it. Did you watch Flight?

Pardon? Did you watch Flight? Yes. Yeah, I loved that movie. That's terrifying. See, this is what my dad said. Is that Denzel Washington? Yeah, awesome.

What a Washington fan. You know, I saw him be a real cunt while he was being interviewed and I went off him a bit. Right. No, but I like him. So when I took my mum and dad to Thailand... And people will be thinking, oh, not a big Denzel Washington fan, Moody, you're racist.

Well, no, that's not true. I just don't dig his acting. Name one African-American actor that you do like. Sidney Poitier. Oh, yeah, I'm a big fan. To serve with love. To serve with love. To serve with love.

With Lulu. Guess who's coming to dinner? Oh, awesome film. Wasn't that great? Yeah. So mum and dad went to Thailand with me. Dad was a bit nervous about going right, flying there. And he's like, oh, I'm just a bit worried about, like,

what are the planes like over there, you know. And I'm like, because he'd never been in a plane. Well, Dad, the physics of it is, when we get in this plane, it'll be the plane over there. Yeah. We don't change into a shit plane mid-flight to land in Thailand.

This plane will be the one over there. To country people. To be fair, we were going back in time. So, yeah, that did actually happen. So, your dad's on the plane. He's chewing on his little bit of straw. He's got his overalls on. Carrying his lucky chicken.

Sam's got scones And jam for all the passengers With gingham lids Oh you know too much My dad didn't check in Folks are dumb where I come from Hey everyone Where are the Chandlers?

Yeah Grandpappy Emerson Girls and the boys and the family No one is around Carl's in the aisle of the plane Just nude under a sprinkler Just running around. Do-si-do.

That's our youngest, Carl. He ain't so sharp. It didn't help that my dad didn't check in his bindle on the way in either. I've just been doing some freshen. We had a full moon. So he got told He was talking to these people

That had been to Koh Samui as well But they'd been in the 60s or 70s And they told him That they flew to Bangkok And then caught another flight from Bangkok to Koh Samui And they got on the plane And there were no seats on the plane People were bringing their own seats onto the plane

I wish that was still a rule same but you had to bring your own kind of like deck chair it's like the moonlight cinema it's another thing on jetstar.com it's like seats or no seats i wish i actually wish that was a standing area up the back 50 bucks of not having a seat i would definitely do it you would stand on a plane for a whole flight i'd sit cross-legged on the floor. Yeah. The beauty now of people travelling so much is that you never, ever have to endure people's travel nights, you know, where you go to their house for dinner and hear all about their trip to fucking Europe.

Because that was such a big thing. And the photos. And they'd pass you the photo one at a time. Because I hate travelling. Because that happens on the go with Facebook now. Do you know what I mean? They're doing that live as they're on the trip. Yeah.

So there's no catch up when they get back as well. Same as school reunions. And everyone's been on a plane, you know. But back in my day, like, we knew people who, like, mum and dad went overseas for the first time when I was about 30. So it was a big deal. Yeah. And then, yeah.

But, yeah, looking, listening to fucking anecdotes. I can't get excited about friends going overseas I just can't I can't even fake it Like friends of mine I've got a couple of friends who are moving to London in the middle of the year And they're trying to be like Oh, it's so exciting

I'm like, yeah, I don't really give a fuck Let's talk about anything else I hate travel I've just been overseas so many times I can't stand it when friends go I prefer to listen to interstate stories I'm going listen to interstate stories. I'm going up to the border.

I'm going to the river. Oh, it's life. I'm going to Rich River. I've got a girlfriend who's so, well, outrageously. You haven't got any friends. I have, but actually she's dumped me. She dumped me. Really? Yeah, she's one of my best friends and I was her bridesmaid.

But she's Adelaide, you know, Adelaide sensibilities and she's a bit of a socialite. And the minute I went public with my alcoholism, dumped. Oh, wow. But anyway, she… You went public with your what? I didn't hear about this. But she actually about this.

She actually said this. For the last 13 years. She goes on a holiday every year with a rich husband. But she actually said, Jamie and I, oh, I just said his name. Now she's going to know why. Jamie and I are so over third world countries. Because third world countries Are theme parks Well Third World country

Or the developing world People go there because they know they can come home They go for a look around And go oh the poverty is terrible It's like yeah You kind of went to have a look at the poverty Didn't you Princess Diana used to take her boys to poor places

so that they knew how privileged they were. I don't know how that teaches you anything. How do they get to the poor place on their own private jet? Yeah, someone I know literally just did that and I was like, how was the trip? And they're like, man, so great. You come back and it's like your air conditioning feels a little bit colder and your flat screen TV looks a little bit brighter.

It just really makes you appreciate. It's like, is that kind of... That's not right. It's just to go and gawp at the fucking... Ooh, look at this. I like coming back to Australia because it's like Legoland. You know, everything is clean and your money's got colour and... So what you guys want to do,

because we sort of had themes, eventual themes to the last episodes inadvertently exactly so the blue death sex and flying this time no we've gotten darker somehow aircraft routine hey what's up with the black box in fact the black box is now bright orange So they can find it So it's the orange box We need to stop talking planes because I'm glazing badly

What you guys actually put in your request was Religion So you want to talk We're both raised Catholic This is great because you know what I've got absolutely no religion In any part of my upbringing My mum and and dad never inflicted any of that on me i think i went to the church the first time for a wedding when i was about 17 so i've got so little information

about religion that i'm actually interested as to how it works with you guys can we also maybe this is ties in but before we started the podcast, Lawrence, you said that you had something to reveal to Fiona. You had a... Oh, yeah. Fiona said, where did you go? And I didn't tell you where I went. The night before last night, what's that called in words? Wednesday.

Wednesday. You know how sometimes you just go What is that? Is that got a word? Yes Yes tonight The night before last Right, the night before last The night before last

I was in Geraldton Oh, okay Doing a gig for the radio stations there And the guy was driving me from the airport And he said In a kind of a loaded way do you know fiona o'loughlin i said yeah fiona's one of my closest friends and he goes hi and i went he goes oh yeah we had fiona here. Oh, not Geraldton too. Geraldton.

Geraldton was where it all began. Oh, Jesus. Oh, that's in WA. In 2013, yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we had her up here. She was going to do a run of gigs for us. She was going to do Geraldton and Broom. Yeah, when we picked her up from the airport, she was pretty pissed.

I said, yeah, Fiona, shortish woman, funny. They knew who you were. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Oh, wow. They told me the whole.

By the time you got to Broome, you had a bottle of vodka in your handbag. You were ordering triple shots and asking people, don't you know who I am? I did not. I did not. Because I don't. Yeah, that was. So they'd flown in a replacement.

So that was. I was on tour with Brad Oaks and Brad says I'm still not ready to hear what I said to him. Oh. Really? Brad Oaks. And Brad says, I'm still not ready to hear what I said to him. I said to Brad, because I was worried about seeing him again after this, and he said, look, Fiona, I've seen it all. And I thought that was going to go to, I've seen it all, don't worry about it. He said, I've seen it all.

But? But I was completely, he said, under-equipped to deal with what was going on. Well, we've got him on the phone. Oxy, talk us through it, mate. Oh, God. Whoa. Whoa. Fucking Fiona.

Good bad oxy-versation. Anyway, that was the beginning Of your road to recovery At the end of last year you were 12 months sober So that was the big bottom out So I was just hungry For details About how seriously You had fucked it royally

I apologise on behalf of the comedy industry On behalf of the comedy industry, on behalf of the O'Loughlin family, and I apologise for myself. But, yeah, I... Jesus, is there some stuff you could tell me that you can't even tell on this podcast? Not really. I was just talking about how you were completely unintelligible

and people were laughing but other people were saying don't laugh, this isn't part of it. So you got the full reality tour of your turn of all the sides. You were taking some people with you. Some people thought this is good. This is like the bearded lady. Come and watch the pissed unit.

Try and talk. The night before that I'd done this gig for Julia Gillard, right? And it was for the Mick Young Foundation. And that is my last memory. Oh, really? Yeah. I wasn't drinking at that gig. And you woke up and there was a new prime minister after that as well.

I think, what did I do with that gig? I was really tidy. And I remember sitting, usually they, you know, those big corporates, it was at the Sofitel or something. Oh, yeah. Everybody's there. Yeah, I do spleen. No biggie.

Yeah, ALP royalty. Yeah, and I was sitting with Bob Hawke and Bart Cummins and they were absolutely plastered. And it was just hilarious like you know dead in the eye drunk you know Bob Hawks just like and then I turned around to make conversation with Bart and I said oh you went to

Sacred Heart which is the alumni of you know my husbands and kids and he just looked stunned and then he went yeah I did and like he'd forgotten where he went to school. He's old, though. Julia Gillard walks past and Bob Hawke pierces us.

He goes, hello, sweetheart. What's the case? Can I buy a crotch? Come over here. Sit on me knee. And it just sounded like, was that Oaksie again? I think it was. That was Oaksie impersonating Bob Hawke.

They could have been three people in the, you know, Warrooka front bar, you know, but they were. Was Gillard Prime Minister at that time? Yeah, she was the Prime Minister. Right, so Bob Hawke saying g'day, sweetheart, to the Prime Minister. Yeah, yeah. And then. That's how Prime Ministers speak to one another.

Malcolm Fraser to John Howard, g'day, sweetheart. G'day, sugar lumps. Pork eating to Tony Abbott, hey, sweetheart. And then I remember, oh, yeah, my grandmother died. And, you know, you use anything. Was she on the card that night? Bam. Comedy joke.

No, she didn't. I mean, she did die, but I think I'm mixing up my timelines totally. I don't know what led me to that relapse, right, but I have no recollection of leaving Sydney or doing a gig or going to Geraldton. And then somehow I ended up in... So you fly Sydney-Perth and then Perth-Geraldton on a smaller plane. Well, how the fuck work?

Who's letting me on planes? And they're not serving booze on the small plane. Who's letting me on planes? But apparently they'd said, no more drinks. And you'd go, yeah, no problem. And went to the bar staff and be like, come on, give us a drink. And they'd top it up with a drink. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I just wish there was some video. Oh, do you? I'm sorry. This is too painful. But I wish there was, because you could put that out. Comedians would buy it and just go, look at her. Because you would have been laughing at your own jokes

you would have been going oh Lachlan well they they found a safe house for me and it was a safe house oh really

so you could change your identity no it was I was going into the witness protection program which I gladly would have done. But I was staying at...

You changed your name. You already had June Northern. You'd have to have another one. So you're going Geraldton, Karratha, Broome, which is all out back Western Australia, remote. So you were too pissed for them. And they are pissed regional places. You have to be pissed to be out of character in those places. Well, Grant Wellington is

a friend of my brother's and so, you know, the whole family were involved and they were like, right, get her to Grant's at least. And I think he lives in Broome. That's where I was. Right. And he's the helicopter pilot up there. And anyway, he was taking no chances with me. Everywhere he went, I went. Right. And he had to go.

I was there for about two days and Wow. I remember standing for about two days and... Wow. I remember standing there in their house and the wife was watching television and Grant was busy on the computer and they'd hidden all the booths. I'm just like tiptoeing around.

I'll find it. And I found it. Yeah, they put everything in the shed anyway, so I got in the shed and bingo, there's the vodka. So I was... Pretty rookie hiding place, I would have thought. I think very rude to hide beverages from your guests. I reckon, you know, if you're going to hide booze from an alcoholic,

why don't you hide it where there's a whole lot of poisons and potential for mistaking a bottle of turpentine or caro for a bucket of paint. I think I would have drunk turpentine or caro. But anyway, he put me in the car. This is my favourite beer, the one that's got the little white dog on the front. Yum, yum, yum.

Dulux lager. Let's have some of that. I have no recollection of this at all, but he put me in the car. He had to go to the shop. All he had to do was get milk, right? And he's not leaving me alone. So he puts me in the car, and he's since told my shop, all he had to do was get milk, right, and he's not leaving me alone so he puts me in the car

and he's since told my brother this and I've heard about it, and he comes out of the shop, having bought his milk, and all he sees is me running, I'm running through the car back towards BWS and I was running back

When Fiona's running you know something's wrong. Something's either on fire or there's booze over there. Anyway, so Jason, who is the station manager of the radio stations in Geraldton, he's a jolly chap, very happy to have a laugh and a smile and obviously the incident had disturbed him. jolly chap, very happy to have a laugh and a smile, and obviously the incident had disturbed him. I was like, oh yeah,

she was in a pretty bad way. He's driving along in the station's four-wheel drive. And so we pull up at my hotel, and I wasn't going to let him off the hook for hating down on you. So we pull up and he goes, all right, well, I'll come and pick you up later on.

I said, Jason, just before I go, he goes, yeah, I go, did you interfere with Fiona when she was drunk? He goes, what? I said, I'm asking you straight, mate. Did you finger her? He goes, no, no. I said, I'm kidding. He goes, I didn't.

Nothing. I didn't. He was like a really sweet country guy. Just like, how could you ask that? Oh, my gosh. But I eyeballed him and just went, did you you ask that? Oh, my God. But I eyeballed him and just went, did you interfere with Irwin Fitzgerald? She's like, no. Interfere.

He's done nothing wrong, but thank you. Would you ever go back, Fiona? Would you ever, if they were like... Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah? I'd go back and do free shows. Yeah. Oh, don't go saying that.

You go back and do a make good, but you get the cash. Yeah, you don't want to go, oh, you poor old miners in WA, they're short of a bob. No, no, no. They can pay you. The way you... Oh, Geraldton, no, I haven't fucked up in Geraldton. Oh, damn, there's another one.

Hang on, you've got to update the map over there on your wall. Yeah, that's right. The make amends tour. Yeah. At the very least, you've got to update the map over there on your wall. Yeah, that's right. The Make Amends Tour. Yeah. At the very least, you want to go back. The way you were so quick to say, I'll go back and do a free gig, it's almost like you've been managed by the worst manager ever. Like a really shit manager that's got no idea about how to manage.

Or not just one, but maybe two. Hang on, hang on. The way you did that, it just gives me the feeling that you've never been managed by a man. A fun fantasy scenario that we've just concocted. Yeah, yeah, hang on. Tommy, this manager sounds familiar. But anyway.

This is a fantasy manager. Sounds like the sort of fantasy manager that you and I possibly could have been fantasy managed by at some point. That I was once fantasy manager by. Fantasy managing in the sense that we're talking about it hypothetically. But also fantasy managing kind of what this actual real person sort of tends to do with his real clients. Hypothetically managing like all those hypothetical jobs we got.

And the hypothetical phone calls. Yeah, yeah. And the hypothetical interactions we had with our management He confuses managing with answering the phone and chain smoking This person that doesn't exist This hypothetical manager It sounds like you have had Because you're so quick to say

I'll do a free gig Charlie Candler management Let's call it that He let Charlie Candler?, let's call it that. He let... Charlie Candler? Yeah. He let Wainhouse go and this is what I love about Chris Wainhouse. Hypothetically. He said, hypothetically.

We're involving a real person into this hypothetical now. Charlie Candler and Simon Buckle management. Someone who's like Chris, let's say Chris Wainhouse as a character. Sissy Cranehouse. Sissy Cranehouse as a character. Sissy Cranehouse. Yeah, Sissy Cranehouse. The dangerous female comedian from Queensland.

The dangerous eyes. What did you say? Nothing, Sissy. It's been to Wentworth Prison, but yeah. When he was let go by this fantasy manager, he said, oh, no hard feelings too. And just, you know, let's make sure we have lunch. And he set a date for lunch next time he was in Sydney. A date and a place.

And the fantasy manager went there and he didn't turn up, obviously. And then half an hour later, the fantasy manager rings Sissy Cranehouse and says, where are you? He goes, you're fucking dumber than I thought you were. Oh, my God. That's so mean. That's a funny story that you just made up. That's a great hypothetical imaginary story. But somewhere in me, and I can be as brutal as the next person,

somewhere in me setting a date for lunch and not turning up, that's really mean. You go, oh, I'm going to have lunch. It's going to be fun and all. I'm going to be on my own. Sissy Cranhouse gets a big kick out of that sort of stuff. It's a great thing to do. Yeah.

It's like that time I was having lunch with my cousin Eugene and… Well, the only thing with that prank is that I'm disappointed by it. Like, it's good that he rang him up because otherwise there's no gratification out of doing that prank because it's just vaguely in a couple of weeks someone may turn up to something that you've sorted. So it's perfectly worked out that he's actually rung it. Yeah. Yeah.

Because that was always my fantasy of booking a gig called The Worst Comedians in Melbourne and setting up, calling a gig and booking it in and putting it in the street press and then saying sign up on the night and then somehow trying to find out who turned up, like who's so desperate for a gig. Oh, my God. That they turn up for a gig even though it's called the shittest comedians in Melbourne sign up night. Yeah, they walk in and it's like come in here to sign up.

They walk into a room and there's just a video camera on a table. And meanwhile you're in a van watching the live feed going yeah! I like the idea of more that they've turned up to this gig and I haven't told the pub about it at all. So all these people are just streaming into a pub and going up to the bartender going so where's the shittest comedians

in Melbourne gig? That's here tonight because I'm here to perform on the shittest comedians in Melbourne gig. The raspberry room. What you've got to do is get a hotel room across from the venue and just fill it with a bunch of

really mean comedians and they have a party and then just watch with binoculars. Do a sniper scope. Yeah, he's like, we've got one, we've got one. Well, that was the other mean fantasy as well. We're in the book depository

across the street. That was the other mean fantasy as well. Finding, picking a bad comedian, someone that we, everyone here would recognise as a bad comedian.

Tommy Tassolo. Yeah. And then, Domi Tassolo. Domi Tassolo. Domi Tass. Domi Tassolo. D-Tass.

Booking someone and then having a party, like having 12 comedians, having 15 comedians and booking someone to say, oh, it's just for like a mechanics get together, just like a birthday party or whatever. Right, right, right. And then for them and then booking them and then having some poor open mic comedian that we don't like turn up and perform in front of 15 established comedians

going, come on, do us your tight team. Terrific bullying. I had a gorgeous plan that Carl just knocked on the head. I wanted to... I don't know if gorgeous is the right word, but... Let's hear it. Well, I Facebooked you about it and, no, you weren't at all interested. I just thought comedians could go on strike and still do our gig, but we're just not allowed to say anything funny.

Oh yeah, no, but your plan was, your plan was to book a whole line up at Spleen and then everyone be deliberately not funny to get more money, but it's like A, I run Spleen. And your idea, you're pitching it to me to wreck my gig.

Hey Carl, what about this for an idea? So that's a slightly different plan to the plan I put up. Can I just temper this by saying, to go saying, you know, the worst comedian, it's like, you know, in the great words of Ronnie Ching, you've got to start somewhere. And so everyone shit at some stage and, you know, hopefully you get a little bit better. But I don't think we should torture comedians that are bad.

No, my idea was having really good comedians. Can you imagine Bob Franklin just, he's not allowed to be funny? It would be hilarious because he wouldn't be able to help himself. It would be impossible for Bob not to be funny. Yeah, and use a good self. Yeah. Well, I think most comedians, first of all, there's that survival instinct where you just

go, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do that. Yes. And the winner at the end is whoever can be. That would actually be good to put that in the festival guide as a show. Comedians on stage trying not to be funny and just see who turns up. Just see what kind of punter goes, yeah, this sounds great. Well, it also leads up

to my other I've got a lot of fantasies about bad comedians and bad gigs but lastly that's my other fantasy of the gig

is because there's a gig in the comedy festival that you've done I think we've all done maybe called best comedians worst gigs

where you talk about you know really good comedians and talking about this one horrific gig that we had and whatever but my fantasy is to book a gig called good comedians and talking about this one horrific gig that we had and whatever. But my fantasy is to book a gig called Worst Comedians, Best Gig.

So you find all the worst comedians going around Melbourne and going, come on, tell us about that time that you actually did well at the Comic Slams on a Tuesday night. You fluked it. Remember that night? All the stars went together. And you see the tears while I was like, well, I'd never got laughs before

and I'd been doing it for about 18 months. And I'd actually thought I'd been going well until now and then all of a sudden I had this gig where people laughed and I went, oh, those last 18 months were terrible compared to this. That first laugh you get, it really frightens you. But as you said, Carl, there would be a lot of the bad comedians who doing that gig, that worst comedian's best gigs, that would actually then be their best gig.

They'd be in the middle of doing it. So it's like the snake eating itself. Halfway through the gig. Fuck, it's happening right now. Halfway through the gig. I hear you guys laughing. I'm fucking freaking out. Halfway through the gig, you start telling the audience

about the first minute of that gig. I've never seen anything like this. Okay, so are we doing religion or are we doing addiction? Because after you started talking to Fiona about that story, it made me think, well, maybe... Well, addiction and death kind of rode shotgun in that. It was also not just death, it was suicide, the first one. And then the second one was sex.

And I thought maybe religion for this one, because for me, to be asked whether you believe in God or not is not a simple yes or no question. It's like, I don't really believe in the personification of God as mainstream religion have painted him as... Old man with a big beard. Old man, big beard. In a robe. mainstream religion have painted him as... Old man with a big beard.

Old man, big beard. In a robe. On a cloud. But I kind of believe in the interconnectedness of all things and also a great deal that I don't know about and that is unexplained. It's like, oh, so you believe in intelligent design, do you? No. Or that, you know, some history book that is the Bible

that was written by mortals accounts for all that god is but i'm not willing to say there is nothing yeah and there this is all science which for me could be another word for god and it's just it all happened naturally like oh yeah five billion years ago the solar system and the sun and the planet started to form did, did they? Just five billion years ago. No worries. And you take that as a given because scientists said it's so. And we've got some science that can prove it. Okay, that's fine.

But I'm not willing to go the hardcore atheist. There's no God. All religion's bullshit. And I think that that deserves some kind of like split there. Okay, a lot of religion's bullshit and i think that that deserves some kind of like split there okay a lot of religion is bullshit but it provides you know solace for people and community and a belief system so let's split those two things religion and god and if you want to talk about you know the fastest growing religion in the world it's atheists they congregate together do they go door knocking? They electronically door knock.

Yeah, right. The likes of Gervais and every other fucking atheist that is lined up behind him, humorless dullards that think that atheism, yeah, it's so easy to prove there's no God. But they just shove it down your throat worse than the most full-on evangelical Christian. There's no way it's the Jehovah Witnesses. And it's not like religion. People don't go, I'm so clever, I figured this out. It's God.

But atheists go, I'm so clever, I figured it out. Get on board. Get rid of what you've got. But also it's a leap of faith too. If you wanted to believe in God, that's a leap of faith. But to believe there's no God is ironically an equal leap of faith. You have to actually believe. Yeah.

And I always find that that is quite amusing. So would you... You rail against faith with a deep faith. Yeah. Would you identify yourself as agnostic then? Is that what you would call yourself? Oh, agnostic I suppose is not sure or doubting the existence of God. No, I don't want to wear a label.

I just want to be a human being that's full of wonder at times and thinking, are we the only life in this huge universe? Yeah. Because outside our solar system, we're at the tail end of the Milky Way. And outside of our solar system… Are we? Are we? Are we? outside of our solar system are we are we are we is there a solar system and good one yeah you've got according to some scientists outside our solar system within this universe are millions of other solar systems and or millions of other universes

and within those millions of other uh solar systems and within those, millions of other solar systems, and within all those planets revolving around stars, like the potential for life, the potential for anything out there, a more powerful being is just infinite. So why shut yourself down to it? And being Catholic, I'm fucking ranting, but being Catholic, you're introduced to the idea of magical thinking. So you're introduced to the concept of God and heaven and hell and angels.

And I think it's quite expansive for a child's imagination. Oh, I think it's quite horrifying. Were you guys quite strict? Oh, absolutely burned in. Yeah, yeah, right. To the point that for me to get rid of my indoctrination, I would have to literally get decoded. Well, that's what I was thinking because I was thinking about that today, about having been brought up with none of that

and you guys obviously being pretty hardcore with that. It feels like those stories where you see the people coming out of the jungle and they've never seen a car before or whatever and all of a sudden they've got to learn a whole new world. In the news today, there was something about a family that hadn't been out of a sudden they've got to learn a whole new world or you know there was in the news today there was something about some you know family that hadn't been out of their apartment they'd just grown up the whole time in the apartment hadn't seen the outside world before and for you guys to step out of your faith or make a decision or something that must be a i don't know whether it's a scary or confusing sort of thing it is scary and i'm stepping out

of it because it's i've been afraid of hell my whole life. Right. And I'm sick of being scared of it. I like the idea of examining other religions and how they conceptualise all that stuff. And the best one I've found is Sikhs. Sikhism or Sikh as a religion. They believe that there's no afterlife. And I like the idea that... Oh, I love the idea of just sleep.

Yeah. And that's my... Do you? Love it. Because you know what? This is what I believe. I think the older I get, the more... I think maybe if you've got any form of ego,

let's see if you guys are the same as me, but you see... I see the world like, in a way, not consciously, but in a way I think, this is all sort of like the Truman Show. Everything's built around me. Like, when I'm gone, this can't go on, surely. Like, I'm the centre of this.

Like, I'm the fire here that's keeping everything going, surely. A good way of combating that is to read history. Because a lot of people in history think that. Well, is there? Or was that made up? You know? Well, a lot of people have actually written their stuff down and see themselves as the centre. Anyone can write something down, is there? Or was that made up? Well, a lot of people have actually written their stuff down and see themselves as the centre.

Anyone can write something down, you know. Yeah, and then put just somebody else's name on it. So nothing's real. You believe in the matrix. Yeah, a little bit. This is all just an illusion projected by yourself. I mean, yeah, you do have days where, like, when weird coincidences happen or a lot of bad things happen in a row

and you go, fucking come on. Like, this can't be random. This is like I'm the centre of the thing. No, everything's random. I know, but I'm saying it's hard to not think that way. There are coincidences and they call it, I'll think of the word in a moment or the phrase, when you, you know, think of someone and then you run into them.

when you think of someone and then you run into them. And if they call it something confirmation, the cynics would say, well, you think of a million thoughts in a week and they're not all realised and then all of a sudden you think of someone and run into them and think, yes, there is a connection. All things are interconnected. Yeah, when the iPod first came out, I remember reading an article

about putting it on shuffle and how people would go, how random is this really? I've got a million songs on here and then like two bands, like the same band will come up twice in a row. Like, is it really that random? No, it's proof that God exists. God's coming to you through the iPod just going, see?

How good are the stone roses? Just keep listening to it. I can't believe we... I'd love it if God just went, yeah, I am so into the stone roses. And I like ABBA too. Don't try and pigeonhole me. I'm God. We'll crack this nut. It's so...

Like people will say, say Oh I believe in fate You know I just want to kick them In the face Like there is No such thing as fate Because since we started This conversation

How many Babies in Africa Have died of hunger Well I think that is fate I think that's connected No that's We did that deliberately When we started this

God must have really Wanted me to live Because that kidney came Right at You know Yeah yeah What so he wanted the kid To die on the bike To give you the kidney So the whole He must have really wanted me to live because that kidney came right at, you know, late. Yeah, yeah. What, so he wanted the kid to die on the bike to give you the kidney?

So the whole it was meant to be thing. Yeah, no. Okay. Well, here's my very simple in my head summation of religion. This is how I figure in my head this is how it's sort of been created. Like I was thinking about, someone was talking about death the other day. Harley Green was talking about death on stage and all of a sudden

I don't know why I had this weak moment where I started going yeah death that's actually going to happen to me at some

stage that's amazing to conceptualise your own death is a very difficult thing to do yes you know it's

really good fun when you have kids when one of them just actually has a moment where they find out

that you died yeah but just to finish like I started going and you see it just dawn has a moment where they find out that you died. Yeah. But just to finish, like I started going... And you see it just dawn on them. Because most kids, it just naturally, you know,

it's like an osmosis, you know, of thought. But one of my kids, just it happened immediately. And I mean, it was kind of funny. I did that to my mum once.

He's having the time of his life. What? We die. Yeah. And you can't do anything about it. It's a tough one. There is no Father Christmas. It's like what happened to the side?

They died. But that thing that you're talking about, Carl, I reckon most people have some form of ego-based blockage of conceptualising their own death. Like I know I'm going to die and I know that my time's limited, but in my mind I think surely I'm going to be spared. Yeah. What if?

What a waste. This talent, this beauty, this immense contribution to society. What have you done? Not much. But if you cut me off now, I'll do nothing. Do you fantasise about your own funeral? Be honest. Yeah, I've done that a lot.

Every funeral I go to, I'm sitting there going, are we going to mind a bit? Do you know what I fantasise about? I'm the same. I fantasise about your funeral as well, Tommy. I reckon mine would be. Do you know what I fantasised about? I'm the same. I fantasised about your funeral as well, Tommy.

Oh, mate. I fantasised about my wife's eulogy at my funeral. Yes! And she's talking about what an amazing guy I am. And there's all these women there and she goes, look, I know that he's probably fucked a lot of you, but that didn't matter because we had a special bond. that he's probably fucked a lot of you,

but that didn't matter because we had a special bond. And so I've got her forgiving infidelities at my funeral. It's like, I'll be okay. What a way of justifying your behaviour. What kind of a man are you? Well, my daughter has already got a bit for my eulogy. She wants to do this at my funeral. She wants to go, some of you will be sitting here today and you'll see someone to your left or to your right or maybe a pew ahead or a pew behind

and be very confused because she hated you and she said everybody's to look around and wonder. Because I am a total, you know, bitch. Duplicitous, you know. And so it's kind of going to be a game. Like no one's going to know who they are. Everyone's going to turn around to all the people that ever managed you, except the current ones, and just go, what are you doing here?

But that's the thing at any funeral that you go to, it's like you know there's some people there that it's like, you know what, secretly this person fucking hated you. You know what I mean? They thought you were a fucking... At one of my aunt's funerals. Not so secretly. But you go to some weddings and you think, what are you doing here?

You hate the person that's getting married. Yeah. And you said yes to this invitation. I hate weddings. I can't stand going to them. They're like pantomimes. Yeah. I loved my own wedding.

It was awesome. Yeah, everyone loves their own wedding and their own video of their own wedding. We didn't video it. Just had a cool paparazzi just shooting away. So I think, getting back to the God thing, I think we're like cavemen even talking about it at this stage. I think the planet is going to go for a very, very long time and there's going to be so much more discovered.

Yeah, and I kind of agree with the science to an extent that we've probably got thousands of years, tens of thousands of years, tens of thousands of years, hundreds of thousands as a species, and then eventually the species will probably die out and something else will take over. Really? When you haven't mowed the lawn for a while,

and it's like, yeah, that'll just consume the house. I've got a fair belief I reckon we've got about 40 or 50 years. Yeah. Really? Yeah. So I could see the end. Yeah. You probably will. So when the acid rain is falling down and some foreign force is kicking in your front door,

screaming instructions at you, well maybe you want to know what they're saying. So do a second language. They just believe the same? Surely this is the end? You know, every generation thinks it's the end. I was in the Hi-Fi Bar once at the end of the festival and I thought this is the end.

I was tripping pretty heavily and there was tree ferns growing out of the roof of that upstairs bar. This is the end. This is the end for you. They've come to get us. So you're saying there's no climate change, we're just all tripping maybe. Oh, there's climate change.

Indeed is climate change, but I don't necessarily see that as the end. As a member of the Liberal Party, indeed there's climate change, but I don't think it's a reason to stop industry going full steam ahead. Come on. And population explosion.

That could work out to be the dumbest thing we've ever, you know, we might go. Panicked about? Yeah, panicked about. The more people there are, the more brains there are to work things out. You know, you could stand the whole of the world, every person, if everyone stood right next to each other, they'd all fit on Kangaroo Island. Six billion people on Kangaroo Island? Yeah.

You just have to... Who said this? Who figured this one out? It's on my... God. God spoke to Fiona. At God. That was about four years ago.

Hang on. Did you figure this out when you were in WA? Did you do this bit on stage in Geraldton? How often do you dream about death? Do you dream about death? Yeah. I dream about my own death, I reckon, about once a month at least. I dream about it a lot.

I have probably some form of sleep apnea where I have dreams where I'm choking. There's something in my throat like a pen lid or a bone or a paper clip or something. And so I can't breathe in because if I breathe in it'll go further down. And so it's like I'm trying to do these really

and I'm choking and then I sit bolt upright in bed and just like and my wife goes, what's wrong? And I tell her. Spit the pen out. Spit a penny out. But I have in the middle of the night just hocked something up

and spat at the wall. And then she's gone, go back to sleep and then in the morning it's like, that was from last night. Oh, my God. That was something horrific. That's some dream effluvia. I have, my recurring dream is finally articulating to my family that there is honour in what I do for a living, right, and I get it all out.

Oh, really? Yeah. But my throat closes over and the words can't come out. Oh, no. Wow. Closed throat's a thing. Closed throat. And you've got, you finally know exactly,

when I say my family, I mean my siblings and my parents, you know. And I can't. As opposed to your comedy family. So that's why, and I also have fantasies about you giving my eulogy because I've asked for that specifically. And then he will finally tell them what's what. Let's get some drafts going. If you can ever get that pen lid out of his throat, maybe.

Give us a bit of a preview. Yeah, open my eulogy. Oh, I'm in heaven. I'm not here to beatify Fiona because she was no angel. beatify Fiona because she was no angel. And a question from the pews. Did you interfere with her? He's tearing up.

Have you interfered with the course? I'm trying to tear up. She was... I'm going to try not to, you know, lose it here because if I do... She was someone very special to me. me no I make it all about me I met her after my 1998 comedy festival show I've just been nominated for my second Barry I've just been nominated for my second Barry and I was lounging downstairs in the hi-fi bar

surrounded by beautiful women and um smoking a rather large joint. I'd just come out of the toilets after doing some A-grade coke. I'd just finished my first stint on commercial television. You may remember the Denise show. And then you play some clips from the Denise show on the screen. Let's remember those special times. I'd still want all the trimmings. Like, getting back to Catholicism, would you have a Requiem Mass?

Oh, no. State funeral? I would do a state funeral. I would do maybe a funeral in a Catholic church, but the priest would probably be someone that was known to me. And God's just knocking on the door right now. Just imagine if it was the Grim Reaper. Fiona, it's time to go.

How are you? Nice to be here. Very well. Is this the same people that gave you the information about all the people on Kangaroo Island? Did you get door-knocked this information? Where's Fiona gone on Kangaroo Island. Did you get door-knocked this information? Where's Fiona gone? Kangaroo Island.

Should we just roll from there? Just power on. Power on. Okay, cool. So, well, here's the thing. See, there was heaps of laughs in death and sex, but there's not so much when you come to God, is there? Because it's something that people wonder about.

Even the most hardcore Richard Dawkins, the high priest of not agnostics, atheists, would probably wonder. This is how I see the whole selling of religion in my head. When I had

that moment of, Harley Briggs was doing a bit about death and saying to his child what heaven is, is where you go when you die and it's this great place moment of harley breen was doing a bit about death and saying to his child you know this is what heaven is is where you go when you die and it's this great place and it's amazing and everything all your friends are there and all your pets are there and everything's great it's this perfect place and then his kid goes great why don't we just go there now it's like of course that's did harley's voice yeah yeah yeah so that And that is a very logical thing to say. Exactly.

If it's so awesome, why don't we end this charade? This hell on earth now. Let's get out of this shithole. And this is from Harley's show, Murder, Suicide, Packed With My Son. How much fun would it be, though, when you're in heaven, say, and you're recalling what it was to be in a human body, and you're like, oh, God, wasn't that helpful? It's like looking back on when you went to school.

It's one of the great joys. If I had a choice of 100 things in heaven and they said corporeal form or just floating spirit, I'd say corporeal form. I want to be able to have a wank and have some sex as well on the same day. That's just not possible. I want to also take a dump in the heaven toilet. Imagine that. You don't have a body.

It's dead in the corporeal. Imagine. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't you impose your heaven rules on my heaven rules. What if that's heaven, you get there and you're allowed to pick five things that you did. It's great how you're just saying it like it's fact. I know. You did five things on earth, you get to do them in heaven. You get to pick five other things that you did. That's great how you're just saying it like it's fact. I know. You did five things on earth,

you get to do them in heaven. You get to pick five other things that you did when you were alive. Imagine the toilets in heaven. Yeah. How good would they be? Taking a dump would be one of mine. I'd pick that. I wouldn't want that to go away. I would definitely say drinking. You'd be back on the booze in heaven. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah, of course. Because no hangovers. You get blind. Yeah, happy days.

And then you just wake up and it's like, whoa, I'm going to do this for eternity. Which is like... Here's perfect heaven for me. You can wake up and then you can go back to sleep if you want. But then hell is the same thing, but there's a beer wine spirit on the horizon and you're running to it, but it never gets any closer.

When I heard about hell, when I heard about hell, it was in a religion class at a Catholic school, right? And I was asking the nun um i said sister is purgatory like a big long waiting room because that's what i used to think it was and you just wait until you get called you know magazines are all out of date no dear and i love the way the deer was in there the whole way no dear no dear uh purgatory is the same state as hell but you won't be there forever and i state as hell, but you won't be there forever.

And I'm like, do you know you won't be there forever? And she said, possibly. And I said, oh, because I was asking in heaven, what can you have in heaven? Can you have all the lollies you want? Can you have a bike? And she said, but you won't want any of that. All you want is to be with God. And I'm like, well, that sounds pretty boring, you know, hanging out with

Dave Callan in a white... Don't just think... Welcome to heaven for you, girl. Do you want to dance? I only said that because Dave's playing God in a creation series that we're working on.

Anyway, but when I asked her, what is hell? Alright, mate, we've all got stuff going on. Anyway, but when I asked her what is hell? Alright, mate, we've all got stuff going on. I said, is hell like burning flames? And she said, no, worse than burning flames, dear. I said, well, what's worse than burning flames? And she said, hell is

like a baby screaming for the mother it can never have. Oh. That's childish. Do you know what hell is to me? Tortologies like burning flames. That's fucking hell. The misuse of the English language. That's hell in my ears.

So that's literally hell for you is you're sitting there for eternity looking at those flames and someone next to you repeatedly just saying, oh, look at the burning flames. Look at the burning flames. Are those flames burning or not? Yeah, that's hell to me. Idiots. Just surrounded by fucking idiots.

Yeah, hell is just you walking around. Mediocre people that all they've done is leave school, just get a shitty job, get married, they walk their dog in the park, reminisce about being at high school and they do nothing. Hell is just you're at the Boxing Day sales. They haven't embraced their limitations. There's no wonderful mess about them.

They're just boring. Hell is you walking around the Boxing Day sales at Chadston for eternity. Oh. No, hell is just sitting in traffic on a steaming hot day going to a shopping centre. Why am I doing this? I mean, you can easily be flipped, tipped into melancholia, can't you? I actually embrace being melancholy at times without being depressive.

Sometimes I'm depressed but I haven't got a depressive illness and I go, well, yeah, I'm meant to feel down and so I will feel down and listen to music that compliments that and think shitty thoughts and have a revenge fantasy and then, you know, bounce back out of it. Can I say my one? We used to have to... We had to go to chapel every week at high school,

Friday afternoon before lunch, and I used to get blood noses quite a lot. Like, I had to get... I forget what it is, like where they sear up. Quarterised. Quarterised, yeah. But before I did, the last thing that happened before i had that done the thing the tipping point was we were in chapel i was sitting up the front left so the furthest in that you could possibly be and my nose just starts gushing blood in the middle of us like singing a hymn it's a sign just blood pissing everywhere. And so I have to kind of push my way out of the

pew and then run down the aisle just leaving a trail of my own blood behind me and the reverend's just there going, fucking hell, keep an eye on this kid. It's very Catholic, all the blood. Yeah, it was very... But that's... While you're talking about purgatory and hell...

I want them wiped out of my consciousness. The Sikh that I was talking to said that there's no afterlife in the Sikh religion. And they don't even refer to it as a religion, really. So that's what I believe. I believe that there's lights out, boom, you're gone, your consciousness is over. Right. If there's some kind of transcendent spirit, then it's not a conscious thing. And so they believe that heaven, purgatory or their form of limbo and hell are all here on earth. Yeah.

And that if you project good things and nice things, then you enjoy a heavenly state. On earth? On earth. Yeah, right. And if you get involved in bad things and do bad things, then you are actually in hell yourself. Okay. Criminals being in a hell state. And I thought that is the soundest religious teaching that I've heard.

Yeah. Because rather than go for an eternal reward, which is like, well, it's a bit long in the coming. And also it doesn't make sense because you're only after a prize. Yeah, but if you want to live here and your reward is actually how it exists in you. In fact, he said heaven, hell and that other state of limbo is within you and it's what you project onto the world. All right, I'm going to sign up for that one.

Well, I thought I'm going to sign up for that. I want to become a Sikh. But the moment I put the turban on, everyone just goes, oh, well, hold on. What's Moony up to? Is this some bullshit comedy festival idea? It's offensive. It's like, no, I'm a Sikh now.

I've got the beard. I've got the turban. It's like, no, you haven't. Take it off, mate, because it's not cool. No, I'm a Sikh. I want to be a Sikh. But that's, see, that whole idea about the afterlife, that's how I see religion.

That's how I see people signing up for religion because when I heard Harley do that sort of, tell that story, and I just had this couple of minutes of like very quiet terror where you realise that life isn't infinite and at some stage it ends and then there's nothing then there's just it's just blackout there's lights out there's nothing and then if someone walks in at that point in everyone's life and goes no you know what if you sign up to this you get to go upstairs and it's all great and instead of you being scared going oh that's it i'm dead and it's all over and then someone promised you no there's more if you sign

here you go fucking all right. I'll sign up the whole family then. Great. Well, my dreams where I die, like it's always like I'm on a plane or it's like I've literally had dreams where it's the end of the earth. Like I walk outside and it's like the ground splits open and people are being swallowed up. And I have dreams where I'm, like say I'm on a plane

and the plane is going down and it's about to hit the ground. In the dream I freak out but then I have that moment right before where I go, this is it. I find out. I solve the great mystery of what happens. I'm about to know and I become very calm because there's something I go, this is pretty cool. I'm going to work it all out.

And then boom and then I wake up like, oh. But that moment of feeling like I'm about to solve the greatest puzzle of mankind. Let me expand on that. It's an amazing feeling. That amazing feeling that you're having in a dream. And then you wake up and you've had a wet dream. Wow.

You dream in which you die and then you wake up and you've come to the bed. You've come. Oh, fuck. You've totally blown on your leg. Oh, fuck. And then you're just lying there going Jesus Christ I've got a lot of stuff to deal with there's a lot going on up here

you get rid of your red tube bookmark and start looking up different stuff you don't bookmark red tube do you surely you clear history just in case you do die and your mum comes around and has a look at your computer. Sorry, you were going to expand? Yeah, well, after that completely euphoric state and revelation, what happens to Tommy Dassolo?

You get out of bed, what happens first thing in the morning? Do you go and get cereal or go to the toilet? Do you shower before you have breakfast? Do you sit there and you filth and just eat your Fruit Loops? What happens, Tom? What, my actual morning? Okay. It's toilet, then it's cereal and coffee, then it's a shower.

Right. Written on a list on your fridge. That's a to-do list, Tommy. Cross our toilet. It's tattooed on my chest like memento. I know. If he does all those things in the right order, toilet, coffee and cereal, shower,

he gets a gold star from his mum. So what's your cereal, Tommy? At the moment it's Nutri-Grain. Nutri-Grain. Wow, it's too much sugar, man. What's this leading to? What it's leading to is the complete futility and absurdity of life, how he goes through these processes,

trying to find some joy and some revelation. And ultimately it's quite finite, what we're doing. So, you know, you've got to love every moment of it, even if it's something as mundane as eating breakfast or having a cigarette or going for a wee. You've got to think, this is not going to be forever. Yeah. Well, I don't know.

And someday soon this is going to be in my pants because I'll be incapable of looking after myself. What I'm saying is I've got Alzheimer's. I don't think I've told this on the show, but one of the last times I was in Sydney it was I was coming back from dinner and drinks with a friend. I was getting a cab. I'd had quite a big weekend, so I was in Sydney, I was coming back from dinner and drinks with a friend. I was getting a cab. I'd had quite a big weekend, so I was a little fragile.

I'm in this cab and I'm talking to the driver and he's sort of asking me what I do and I tell him and he's like, just out of nowhere, he goes, so have you worked out the meaning of life yet? And I go, no, I have not. And he goes, well, would you like to hear it? And I go, sure. An exclusive for Dumb Dumb Club. not and he goes well do you want to would you like to hear it and i go sure yeah hang on an exclusive

for dum dum club and he so he goes he just got i can't remember all of it but he just goes he goes on he gets three words in boring i'm on twitter going yeah whatever would you like to know the meaning of life you could have been sitting with an oracle it's a classic vim vendors setup that's so boring. Who's the most famous person you've had in your cat? Has a girl ever said I've got no money

but how about a root? And where are you from? Now that is the meaning of life. I just need a bit of an accent. Where are you from, mate? What time did you start, buddy? Yeah, I've just seen your ID up there.

Khalil Gibran. Yeah, yeah. Who the fuck's that? Where are you from, Balmain? No, no, no. Where are you really from, mate? Where? Where you from? Bell mate Nah nah nah Where you really from mate? Where you really from?

It says roomie Is that a first name Or a second name? It's like Do you want to listen Young one to the meaning of life? I can't remember it all But it's some bullshit

Anyway What the fuck Anyway Pooh Ring Sting That's a funny name He starts going You know basically The whole world is a stage and the sun is there.

No, the world is like a workspace, a workbench. The sun is up there to illuminate our work so that we can all see what we're doing and then the sun goes down and that's the night, that's our playtime and the stars are there to kind of light up the world like a stage so that we can all see. And, you know, there's sickness in the world to remind us of the value of health and there's poverty to remind us of the value of wealth.

And, you know, if you can live your life with good character and, you know, be an upstanding person and try and do what you think is the version of the right thing, then that's really all that matters. And basically goes on like this for the whole 10-minute drive. And I'm quite fragile mentally. This is very close. It's not the meaning of life. It's just some idea of what you reckon the world is.

And this was quite close to my breakup. So I'm in a very fragile emotional state. And it really got to me. We pull up and he goes, how does all that sound? I go, man, that's really rubbed off on me like that's there's a lot of stuff in that and i thought i'm going to be thinking about that for you know for a long time like thank you and he goes so you like that did you i'm like yeah and he goes you know where that's from the quran oh and then reaches into his side pocket and pulls out some literature and goes to give it to me. And I'm like, oh, nah.

There's a lot of people get into the Quran, their girlfriends dump them and they go, why not? Sounds good to me. I reckon you're probably, after an emotional breakup, you need some sacred text to have a look at and think, well, people have gone through this stuff for time immemorial. Why not, you know, get into it? You know, if someone hands a copy of the Koran,

they're not trying to radicalise you, mate, and get you overseas to fucking get you into ISIS. Just have a little read of the Koran and settle down, buddy. What a great, like, me and my girlfriend split up and then, like, literally a month later she sees me in an ISIS video. I think he's probably coping pretty well. She sees me beheading a journalist on the TV. But then you see her later on.

You come back and you're like, oh, no, that wasn't all for you. That was just unrelated. I was always thinking about that. No, I didn't even care. I don't miss you at all. Finally free to do what I really want. Mr. Barack Obama, my name is Tommy Dutton. You will bathe in the blood of the Western infidel.

Why is Tommy speaking like that? I say to you, my girlfriend who broke up with me, I will teach you lessons. Why is Tommy doing a really bad ISIS terrorist impersonation? You drop bombs on innocent women and children. You will wake up with your throat cut.

I like that it's a message that's going out simultaneously to Barack Obama and my ex-girlfriend. The dropping bombs on innocent children. I don't remember her doing that. She's part of the whole infidel structure of Western society.

When you put out the video on Twitter, you just at both of them. Barack Obama and your ex-girlfriend. My sister Emily has like E-lane episodes, I call them. She is a little slut. She got in a taxi the other day and the taxi driver picked her up from her place

And he goes I'm sorry I'm doing an Indian accent Not because I'm racist Because he was Indian Okay Well we're all going to make sure We'll be the judges of that thing You do a proper Indian accent

And not a racist Indian accent What city? What city? Melbourne No what city in India? It's from Melbourne Right I wasn't city in India? He's from Melbourne. Right. I wasn't there.

This is how Emily's told me the story. Anyway, here he goes. Strap in, folks. She gets in the taxi. Welcome to Dumb Dumb Club, Mahatma Coat. Here we go. Try to go and put on a little bit of pancake or something for you. He said to her,

do you mind if I ask you how much rent do you pay? And she told him how much rent he paid. And he said, oh, that is a lot of rent you're paying. Do you mind if I add that up? And he had on his computer screen, he's added up what she's spending in rent a year. And he said, and do you live alone? And she said, yeah, I do,

but my boyfriend's just around the corner. Would you mind if I ask how much rent your boyfriend pays? So he's added that up. And he said, I think what you must do is you really need to move in with your boyfriend. Like, he needs to move in with you or say if you move in with him, and then he adds that up and how much she'll save a year. And she's just, like, kind of going along with it. And then she said, yeah, but the thing is I can't move in with my boyfriend

because my parents are, you know, ageing and they're Catholic and it would really break their hearts because it goes against their religion. Oh, Jesus Christ. And the Indian taxi driver goes, oh, you must tell your mother. It is a modern world now and this does not make sense financially. It is very difficult for people to live, you know, separately. It's not wired for that. Are you sure this guy was Indian or was it Ronnie Chang?

So fucking stupid. Just move in with him. And Emily's then like, she's playing along, right, with this guy. And she said, well, I've got my mum's phone number here. Would you better ring her and just tell her everything that you've said? And then he's the one that acts like the whole thing's weird. I can't do that. I've never met your mother.

I'm a complete stranger to you. Yes, correct. You're a complete stranger asking very intimate questions. And now you want to back away from the fucking Buick, pal? Ring my mum, India boy, and fucking tell her the equations. He'd gone to the trouble of adding it all up. India boy may have come off a little racist. But...

I was a Shiite Muslim or dressed as one for an afternoon. Is a Shiite Muslim a really bad Muslim? It's a very… You were groaning before it even came out. You went, oh, dad. Is that us done for this week? Have we solved it all? Let me ask you this

If you don't subscribe to a religion or anything like that What's your belief system that you have in place? Like when, you know, if the chips are down Or you're feeling a bit whatever Like what's the thing that you subscribe to in your head That, you know, that helps guide you? Probably my mantra that I use a lot is Be kind, be gentle.

And I can feel myself hardening in this world because it's like, I've got somewhere to go, everyone's in my way, you become very self-absorbed and so you can be shitty to service staff or somebody at an airline or a taxi driver or whatever because you're rushing around. But I just remind myself I just want to, I don't want to harden, I just want to be a soft person. So I just go be kind, be gentle.

And I think when the chips are down, that serves you. That's good. Fiona? Yeah, when shit happens, it's just your turn. That's a lyric. That's good. When shit happens, it's just your turn. I don't remember what song it's from, but I liked it.

Yeah, it's just your turn. I think it was Jive it's just your turn. And I say to the kids. I think it was Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers. I say to the kids, life is just a series of good days and bad days. You know, the thing with becoming undoctrinated and saying goodbye to the idea of heaven and hell, the hard thing there and the guilt trip that the church had over mothers was if you don't take your children with you, like if you don't indoctrinate them.

So I am playing a bit of a – I'm rolling the dice because if the church is right, like all that stuff's right, which is highly improbable, then I've – The church isn't right. Yeah, right. So I'm not going to be responsible for five kids burning in hell. I reckon whenever I say I'm Catholic, people always go, oh, you know, Catholic guilt. I reckon the guilt is much more loaded onto the women.

You're responsible for male sexuality. You're responsible for children. You're responsible for all the ills of the world. It's an incredibly slanted, sexist indoctrination. Yeah, so it's a control thing. Yeah, so I reckon women have a lot more guilt put on them by the Catholic Church than men do. It's a patriarchal structure.

Like most religions, yeah. Yeah, in fact, the pedophiles within the Catholic Church can attest to that because they're getting away scot-free. But there's stuff that goes in our heads. Lawrence, I'll just get started. I'm sure you'll be able to join straight in. Okay, on any hymn, let's go to... Firmly I believe and truly...

Oh, you don't know it. I know the Mass. Right. Once again, he took the cup. Again, he gave you thanks and praise, gave the cup to his disciples and said, take this all of you and drink from it. This is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all men so that sins may be forgiven.

Do this in memory of me. All right, Carl, let's do a me do one. I was working in the lab late one night That's great That's great Monster match Do you know my parents Still like they're Bullocks like nothing's going to kill them

They still pull four o'clockers And they've got a big drinking priest, a Polish priest. Anyway, you know when you wake up the next day and think, oh, that could have been left unsaid, you know. Yeah. Oh, no, every human who's drunk too much, this priest, he throws these amazing dinner parties.

He's a really good cook. And it was about three o'clock in the morning and he was pouring shots of vodka. And my dad's 84, right? And he's pouring my 84-year-old dad a shot of vodka. And dad said, oh, no, thanks, father. I don't like the taste of vodka. And father goes, vodka is not for the taste. I told you he's Polish, yeah?

The accent would have explained that anyway. Is that why you're doing an Indian accent? You're going into a little bit of India there. Vodka is not for the taste. I was wondering why he's pouring shots of vodka in the cab. It is for the after, right? And then a few shots later that he's helped himself to, and they've had wine and beer and it's 3.30 in the morning by now.

It's the end of the night. The priest goes, is there a God? Probably not. Probably not. Well, that's a much better Russian accent. A Polish accent. Russian accent, yeah. I remember once on the Denise show.

Speaking of God There was a There was a French Teacher from the What's the drama school In Paris Oh the miming one I don't know whether it's clowning or miming I was going to say the Henri Leconte school

But that's tennis I know the one you told me I can't remember what it's clowning or miming. I was going to say the Henri Leconte school, but that's tennis. I know the one you told me. I can't remember what it's called, though. Yeah, anyway, so she gives him these questions from the actor's studio show on Arena. You know, what's your favourite smell? What's, you know, blah, blah, blah. And the final one is, what would you say if you met God face to face?

And this guy was a Frenchman and he clearly had a bit of a long lunch. It was the afternoon. We're pre-recording the show for the following morning. He goes, what would I say to God if I met him face to face? And Denise goes, yes, what would you say to God if you met him? And he goes, I would say, God, you bastard. Fuck you, bastard. Fuck you, bastard God.

Fuck you. She goes, bastard. Fuck you, bastard God. Fuck you. She goes, okay. Well, thank you very much. I think we'll cut that out of the show. We'll cut that out. Denise wasn't live. No, it's like, you know, most people go, wow, you exist, or thank you, whatever.

He goes, I would say, fuck you, bastard. Just roasting him. Chandler, what's your mantra? What do you subscribe to? I really don't think about much. I thought that was going to be the answer. Yeah, yeah. No, there's no belief system with me.

It's just… Really? Someone who believes in… Just get your parents on a plane and go to Thailand. Yeah. I mean, anyone who believes in some kind of... Curly's the youngest one. He got me into a rub and toe.

I got myself a happy ending. Well, they went from rural Australia to Midwestern America very quickly. We've really globetrotted this episode. But what shits me is that the older, you know, the old folks, they think everything's going to hell in a handbasket because no one's going to maths anymore. You know, like I've got five kids now, like all pretty stable and happy and no one was fingered by their grandfather.

Like there's no, you know, hellish nuns. No one's been scared the fuck out of. So stick it up your ass. Things are getting better. I don't feel the need to send any of my children to get a religious education. I can introduce concepts of... I want to scare the shit out of them.

I can do it myself. I don't want to interfere with my kids I don't need some priest to do it I completely eschew religion You can learn about that stuff at home I'll teach you everything I learned at school Alright everyone in the showers. Okay, gang, hit the showers. All right, guys, well, I think that is just about all the time we have

on the Little Dumb Dumb Club for this week. If anyone's curious, my personal mantra is always go bareback. Lawrence Mooney, the owner of Lachlan. Thank you very much for joining us. What have you got coming up? You've got comedy festivals coming up, obviously.

Lawrence Mooney, you've got a new show. I'm going to Adelaide Fringe Festival to do Surely Not from February the 17th and then the Melbourne International Comedy Festival

from March 27th, I think it is. And then I might be at a venue near you. Yes, but heaps of people are not only in Melbourne but coming down from interstate to the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

So, of course, add these two excellent comedians. Lots of messages so far from people saying that they are like to us on the Facebook page and Twitter saying they've booked tickets to friends of the show. And, you know, we should say this. If you enjoy, you know, if you found out about someone from this show or you've liked their work on the show, do, you know, let them know. Tweet them and stuff.

It does help us, you know, convince people to come back and do the live shows or whatever if, you know, if they know they get love from the listeners. I don't need to be convinced. I love you guys. See you, dickheads. M-A-M-A. Northern Comedy Festival. M-A.

M-A-M-A, yes. Mama. My name is Mama. Thank you for spelling it out. The Mama Festival. At La Mama. Why don't you just say, you know, you've been Carl Chandler for a long time. Why don't you take a more famous name so people come and see you?

Lady Mama. Carl Seinfeld. Carl Chandler is Carl Cosby. Carl Cosby. Fiona Rivers. Yeah. Why not? So, Fiona, you're in a big venue.

You're in, where are you? The Arts Centre. Are you doing the Fairfax? Yeah. Right. And your show name is? It's The One Where She Leaves Her Husband and Moves to Melbourne. And that's literally what it's called.

Yeah. Fiona O'Loughlin, The One Where She Leaves Her Husband and Moves to Melbourne. Friends reference. I love it. Yes, it's a friends reference. So good. But I ended up talking about, I'm talking a lot about what,

I used to gloss, you know, people say, what's it like living in Alice Springs? And I had stock standard answers and I never really talked about it. But I'm actually talking a lot about racism in my new show. Now that you're not going back there,

you should do that Indian taxi driver. You know, I did Australian Story, and the producer said, you know, she's spoken to a few different comics, some of whom didn't make it into Australian Story. And you're talking about the episode where Fiona was the subject of it? Yes. And my Australian Story is years down the track.

We've already been hit up for that. Amazing movie career. But, you know some people were of the opinion that you'd blown a lot of opportunities and it was kind of over for you well I think that's incredibly short sighted

because I think that you are just beginning oh thanks a lot and I think this show's gonna be a fucking ripper oh cheers thank you very much I get a vibe I love it

stay off the piss stay off the piss stay off the piss stay off the piss. Stay off the piss. Stay off the piss. Stay off the piss. Speaking of, guys, come to the drunk cast on the last night of the comedy festival. You guys are well and truly invited, obviously. We had the last night.

Lawrence Meade's never made an appearance to the drunk cast, so you're well and truly invited. The drunk cast. Yeah. Unrecorded episode of this. Yep. About 10pm, is it? 10, 10.30pm. Awesome.

Last night of the comedy festival. We all get lit. Not on record. So we just. Unrecorded. We fucking go. Oh, so it's live. Yeah. Awesome. We all get lit. Not on record. Unrecorded. We fucking go. So it's live. It's live but yeah. Unrecorded.

Someone can bootleg that shit though. Well we've done two of them already and they haven't been bootlegged. Can you make people hand their phones in?

We should. We should like when you go to a preview screening of a big film and they make you cloak your phones. We should fucking do that. That would be great

if we had someone enacting that. Oh I love it. That's a great idea but of course for people at home we've got shows on and if you come to

a little Donovan Club live podcast during the comedy festival you get free entry to that drunk cast what are the names of your shows for the comedy festival

Tommy D'Angelo Cutie Pie Cutie Pie and Carl Cosby the Carl Cosby show no Carl Chandler the world's greatest and best comedian.

That's the name of it. That's awesome. So writing that at the moment, no pressure. And we're doing Melbourne, so we're doing March 27th through to April 19th. I sent Carl what I thought was maybe a Carl joke. Have you ever tried doing that and just got the abuse back? What was it? Like, oh, I reckon this is probably a Carl joke. Have you ever tried doing that and just got the abuse back? What was it? What was it?

Like, oh, I reckon this is probably a Carl joke. I said, oh, they don't make things like they used to. Robotics has certainly taken care of that. I was like, fuck off. All the people out there that have Carl's phone number, get to it. No. Send him jokes. Send him Carl jokes. The response is great.

No. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Send him jokes The response is great No Alright, Fiona and Lawrence Once again, thank you once again for your honesty And that is it for us So now that we've done We've done death, religion And what was the other one? Death, religion And sex So the fourth one is Death, religion, and sex.

So the fourth one is going to be taxes. Come back for that one. Yeah, great. All right. Thanks very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.