The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 229 - Lawrence Leung & Greg Larsen

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

Bootleg Movies, Nude Archibald & Thomas Alsop. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Brisbane, congratulations. This is the last time that you have to be annoyed by us because our live Little Dumb Dumb Club is happening this Sunday, March the 1st. Where's it going down, Carl? It's at the Brisbane Sit Down Comedy Club. I forgot where it was. That'll be good.

Sort that out by the day if you know properly where it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you do your solo show all week in Brisbane? Yes, March 3rd till 8th at the Brisbane Powerhouse. Tickets and info for all that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. Then we are on to Adelaide, March 15th. Get your shit together, Sunday, March 15th. We're on the last day of the Adelaide Fringe Festival,

so we're going to have a big old time. We're bringing over Dilrach Jaya Singer, so that's going to be fun. Plus we've got some big, big, big name special guests dropping in. That's going to be awesome. And then straight after that, I think at 8.30, I'm going to do my first performance of Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian. Yep.

And then for all of Melbourne, all of the Comedy Festival, you guys know the deal by now. Every Sunday afternoon, the drunk cast on Sunday the 19th that you can only get into if you have a ticket for one of the other shows. Go to the website, littledumbdomclub.com. Tickets are only $20 if you come and see the live show the other shows. Go to the website, littledumbdomclub.com. Tickets are only $20 if you come and see the live show. Definitely worth seeing at least one because you get that free ticket after that to go to the drunk car.

So definitely come, say hi, have a great time. It's going to be fun. Live shows are so good. And then come and say hi afterwards if you want to do that because we're always cool and keen to do that. And also our gigs all month, Tommy Daslow Cutie Pie 7pm at the Imperial followed by Carl Chandler World's Greatest and Best Comedian at 9.45 at the

Victoria Hotel. Yeah. Finally very quickly thanks to everyone who's watched me and Tom Ballard's pilot Fully Furnished. If you haven't checked that out yet sbs.com.au slash comedies where you can find that. Ronnie Chang is in it. It's a lot of fun. Thanks to the person who said surprising that you had the money in the budget

to get a prosthetic gut put on. All right. And finally, Carl, I've got something that I need to tell you. Okay. What's happening? Oh, the plug's gone a bit long. I'll tell you in Brisbane. Oh, okay.

Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, the movie Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, I'll take questions on this. Yes, so you're in it.

Yes. What was your experience like? Really horny. Austin Powers 4, Fifty Shades of Grey. If anything, it played down my real life. So it's out. The movie's out. I don't know if you've seen.

People have a bit of criticism about it, that it sort of isn't an honest portrayal of those kinds of relationships, that it's kind of not accurate. It kind of just basically is domestic abuse. There's like all sorts of things of – anyway, whatever. So there's been a big thing of – like I know some people who want to see it out of curiosity but are very opposed to the idea of giving money to it. So a friend of mine watched a copy of it the other day, a downloaded copy, like a filmed in the cinema version of it. That's quite funny because it's sort of like filming a porno in the cinema,

like among people that are… This is it. This is it. So she said she's getting halfway through and she's like, well, you know, the quality is pretty shitty but, you know, I'm getting the gist of it. I'm sort of getting what I wanted out of this. Yep.

And then, you know, half an hour in or whatever, she hears a bit of belt unbuckling behind the camera. Isn't that wild? Behind the – what? Do you think the cameraman was – That's what she's led me to believe. No way. She's led me to believe.

That is unprofessional. I love the idea of someone going in. This is his job. His job is he sells this footage on to bootleggers. He makes a killing off the black market. He's in some Bangkok cinema. He's in the Bangkok hoits. In one of those bean bags, in one of those gross max screens they have.

Yeah, in the Moonlight Cinema in Ho Chi Minh. He's there and he's just like, okay, this is good, this is just another day at the office, just bootlegging this film, gonna make some good money off this. And then he's like, halfway through and he's like, it's actually making me pretty horny. I know I've got a job to do here, but surely no one's gonna... And it's

doubly arousing because he's watching that on screen and also going, I'm getting paid for this. I just, because when she texted me that, I was like, keep me updated because I wanted to know if he's, does he just completely give up the act and by the end he's like, oh, I'm loving this. But yeah, man, I'm fascinated by that. That is incredible.

Wow, guys, if there's anyone out there that does bootleg movies for a living and has masturbated whilst doing it. Phone in. Phone in. I think we've guessed your secret sound already. Today on the show, two returning guests. First of all, you know him from Fancy Boy and from Dirty Laundry Live. It's Greg Larson.

Hey, guys. Hey, thanks for having me. I have done that in a movie, so yeah, good. Have you, what, you've bootlegged one or you've? Bootlegged and jerked off in a movie. At the same time or independent, two separate days? Oh, like both at the same time, several times. It was like, you know that Ninja Turtles Secret of the Ooze?

Yeah. Was that the ooze? Yeah. That was the secret of the ooze? Yeah. Was that the ooze? That was the secret of the ooze. Also joining us, maybe one of the biggest gaps in returning guests in the

program's history. I think we scared him off last time. Very long time coming. He's from the new show Maximum Choppage, which starts is on now. Tuesdays on the ABC. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dumumb Club Lawrence Long. Hello, dickheads. I've masturbated in a cinema too

to the Lego movies. I love Lego. Yeah, just really into the nostalgia. Just taking the nostalgia card a little bit too far. See, that's the thing. That's good. That's funny when you say that.

When Greg said that, I'm like, okay, so did that happen or not? I honestly don't know. Because I reckon you've got worse stories than that, than masturbating in a movie and bootlegging at the same time. Yeah, that may be true, but I never have masturbated in it. I've heard someone masturbate in a movie.

I was in a movie that someone masturbated in. See, I just don't get it. Like, why do you need To do that in the movies There's the internet Yeah Exactly I guess it's the thrill Of like maybe being caught

It would be That would be it It would be the thrill Of possibly getting caught And like just the smell Of popcorn maybe I don't know Well I think I've told this

On the show before But a friend of mine Had sex in a cinema once And he was telling me about it And he's like Man it was It was great It was like She kind of just like I I was like, how did you do it?

And she's like, she kind of sat on my lap and then, you know, so I could – So it was an opening night of like Jurassic Park. It was like – It's the premiere. Yeah. And so I'm like, oh, so what movie was it? And he goes, Capote.

Oh. The Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Truman Capote. Wow. And so because she's on his lap, he's just looking past, just getting a bit of Philip Seymour Hoffman in his view. Just a bit of fat, white, pasty man. As he's doing that. With a really horrible voice.

That's pretty weird. You've got to pick your movie at the very least. You can't just assume because you're in the cinema that it's on. You know what I mean? Maybe that's sort of a bit of a badge of honour for his partner because it's like, look, I'm still hard despite the fact I'm watching this. That's very true. If anything's going to put me off, it's that guy.

I once went on a date to like that movie Beneath Hill 60. What's that movie? It's like an Australian movie about the Anzacs. Right. And you went on a date there. Yeah, and it started getting pretty – there was a point where I was like, oh, look, full respect to the Anzacs, we'd better stop.

We'd better just watch the movie. Or at least be silent for a minute as you're doing it. What about you? So, Lawrence, you've had a number of shows on the TV and, you know, like I've had – I'm sure people have had this happen. You're hanging out with someone that you're interested in. You've got the TV on. You start hooking up with someone. You have a bit you're interested in. You've got the TV on. You know, you start hooking up with someone.

You know, you have a bit of a make-out with someone while the TV's on. You kind of have a bit of weird stuff going on in the background. I don't know. Is this a common thing? You've been hooking up with someone and then you sort of – Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you hear like a weird – like you hear a talking dog on the TV and you kind of both laugh and you're like, oh, this is weird.

We should – let's turn this off. You ever had any stories like that come back to you? Choose your own adventure style? I kind of don't want to lose the narrative, and by narrative I mean the TV show, not what's happening at the time. But I do sort of get distracted by TV a lot, especially if it's during sex or music. If the radio is on, I start to either think in terms of the lyrics of the song

or I want to turn it off because it's ruining the rhythm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when it changes mid. Like say you're watching something that's sort of like white noise and all of a sudden you've got bananas and pyjamas coming on. You're like, oh, this shouldn't be happening. It's a little bit wrong.

I think like people who get intimate with music on, the thing that stresses me out about that is like you know how long a song is. Do you know what I mean? So then you've got an exact time frame of how long you lasted. You know what I mean? It's like you're going to start and end in the one song. Yeah. You know that that's like three minutes.

Right. Yeah. You can get lost in it otherwise and delude yourself and go I reckon that was probably about 15, 20. Yeah. Or if you want to prolong the you know orgasm you have to have like dubstep because you've got to wait for the drop. Yeah. Or if you want to prolong the orgasm, you have to have dubstep because you've got to wait for the drop. Yeah. I was like, oh, I thought we went the whole length of Bohemian Rhapsody.

No, no, that was hey-ya. That was like two and a half minutes. Doing it to Bohemian Rhapsody, that would be a rollercoaster. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot going on. There's a bit of Mamma Mia in there, which is, I don't know if that's good or bad. A bit of headbanging. Yeah, yeah's a lot going on. There's a bit of Mamma Mia in there, which is, I don't know if that's good or bad. A bit of headbanging. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I was going to ask, what my question specifically was to you, having had a number of shows on the TV now, have you ever had anyone get in contact with any stories like that about having a bit of Lawrence Lung on in the background? Oh, yeah, I've had, yeah, there are people who do send crazy emails. Oh, awesome. And they often have like AOL.com or Hotmail.com on it. I was just wondering if you just say Yahoo.com

because I'm still clinging onto that desperately. Me too. Yeah, yeah. You and I are the only people on Yahoo. That's right. Yes. But I think it's maybe they make up like a fake email just to send it out to you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, but it's a, you know, they, I once had someone write to me saying, oh, I'd love to paint an Archibald of you, like painting. And I was like, oh, who is this? And then I checked their website and it was a lot of like nudes, specifically Asian nudes. So I was like, oh, I don't know if you want to paint the Archibald

or you just want me to turn up, have a bit of a gaze. Yeah. And was the person, was the artist Asian as well? Or they just clearly had a bit of a thing? I think they had a thing. They had a bit of a gaze. Yeah. And was the person, was the artist Asian as well? Or they just clearly had a bit of a thing? I think they had a thing. They had a bit of a yellow fever. Who knows? Maybe they could have won the Archibald.

That would be great if an Asian nude won the Archibald. Are there nudes in the Archibald? I don't think it matters. This is showing the lack of culture in this podcast. No, no, no. It's a huge art prize and we've just got no idea. I go nearly every year. Do you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went for about ten years in a row. No, no, no. It's a huge art prize and we've just got no idea. I go nearly every year. Do you really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went for about ten years in a row. Nearly every year. Tell us about the years you haven't been and why you didn't go. The last two years because I forgot when they were up. Big fan. Yeah, but no, I went for about ten years in a row. I really got into it.

Okay. Because it's like, it's almost, I find it funny. It's the most surprising thing you've ever said on this podcast, by the way. No, no, because I'm a, no, because I went to art school. I'm a graphic designer by trade, so I'm into that sort of thing. I'm way more cultured than you with your fucking Ren and Stimpy T-shirt on at the moment. I don't want the listeners knowing what I wear. It's a very arty Ren and Stimpy T-shirt.

Yeah, I'll give you that. Are there any nudes in the Archibald? Yeah, I believe it's... I don't think there's a rule where it's like, right, most famous people in Australia, portraits, but keep your gear on, fellas. Like I think it's just a whatever. Yeah.

Like – There should just be two categories though. There should be like – there should be the Archibald clothed and then the Archibald nude. And there's a winner for both of them. And it's sort of like going into like the back of a shop. It's like Big Brother up late. Yeah. Yeah, but Archibald nude. And there's a winner for both of them. And it's sort of like going into the back of a shop. It's like Big Brother up late, but Archibald's up late. But you're in the National Gallery and there's just this kind of black curtain separating the nude room that you have to go into.

Yeah, like a Dodge Oil video shop. It's like downstairs with a black curtain over it. You have to be 18 to see these portraits. Neon lighting so you can't find your veins. Behind the dumpsters. And like I've told it to all the peeps, just tissues sort of squirreled away in the corner. Like Lawrence's leap there, it's like you're seeing nudes

and suddenly you're like, geez, some heroin would really make these nudes kick off. Can I ask, like, you know how you see nudes, statues, photographs, whatever? You never see ones where the guy has a boner. Yeah, because that's a rule. That's like in movies. There's an actual rule where the penis has to be a certain degree.

Like if it's a certain degree up, then it's not allowed to be in. Yeah, someone has to get the protractor out on set. Yeah, someone has to dig up old Pythagoras and figure out. 40 old Pythagoras. Get him to apply his theory of boners to it. No, but that's the thing. A flaccid penis is allowed to be on screen, but a semi-erect, I believe, isn't.

There's a legitimate legal angle. But you're talking about on screen. What about on canvas and on bronze? Oh, yeah. Greg, someone comes to you and they say, watched all the Fancy Boy stuff online, seen all your live shows, big fan. Dirty laundry, addicted to it. Had sex.

Had sex to all your segments. I can imagine someone having a hate wank during my segment. Someone comes to you and goes, huge fan. I want to pay you the ultimate compliment. I want to do a nude portrait and a nude statue. Of me. Of you. Are you into it? And they say it's going to be

the first ever erect statue to be commissioned by the City of Melbourne. It's going to be in Bourke Street Mall. They're opening a new gallery of their favourite ABC2 personalities. All nude. You're number one.

Mooney's nude picture that used to be in the museum. That's in there. Yeah, yeah. Well, if I did it, I'd want to go whole hog. I want to really change the game. There's two things that we've not seen in bronze statues up to this point. One is a boner and the other is just a butthole. So just fully just like pulling just a butthole. So just

fully just like, you know, pulling apart the butthole, the boner, everything and then just that in the Bourke Street Mall. Like it would be awful. The Bourke Street Mall? I'd move to another country. And it gets put up the exact same

day that the Myer Christmas window is open. Yeah, yeah. Can I just ask though? That's the My Christmas window is open. Yeah, yeah. Can I just ask, though? That's the David Jones window this year, the ABC2 nude gallery. And it's like, you know, it's all those little animatronic things, like Greg's boner is on a little crane and it goes up and down. Yeah, yeah, it's down and when it goes up, the curtain goes down. And then it goes back up again when it goes flaccid.

Sorry, you had a question? Well, no, this is actually, this is, I don't know where I'm going. Well, here's a quick theory for this. How's, I think this would be a great prank or whatever it is. You do that. You have your, you know, the same sort of request that they did to you, Lawrence. Like they go, right, I'm doing this big collection of celebrities and whatever. They've got to be nude.

So everyone sort of eventually goes, yeah, it's for the Archibald, whatever. They bring them all out and they halve the size of everyone's penis. Because then everyone just goes, no, but it's not really like that. It's like, well, show us then. Well, I'm not going to do that. Okay, well, what are you going to do? It's the perfect plan. It's like pin the tail on the donkey.

So you go in and all the men's portraits are all just like Ken dolls. Yeah. But then when you go in, you get like a stack of dicks. And you have to walk around the gallery and kind of pin on who you think actually belongs to who. Wow. And you get a grade at the end for how right you are. This sort of thing would have made me not Mr Archibalds for the last two years.

We've had so many ideas. We should open like a theme park that's just all of our dumb ideas that we've had on this show. Like what you've just described is basically a hen's party. That's exactly what a hen's party is. But see, with the Archibalds, because we probably haven't fully explained, the Archibald Prize for anyone that doesn't know is like the top rated portrait competition in Australia

and it's usually celebrities. I think it's generally really only well-known people that's painted. I'm pretty sure it is. It's people that are known in some capacity. Yeah, it just has to be Australians in it. Yeah, and it's almost a little bit like Wikipedia where at the moment, like, you know, at the moment we talked about a couple of weeks, someone made a page for me but at the moment we talked about a couple of weeks, someone made a page for me, but at the moment there's just a lot

of people putting question marks all over my page going, should this guy really have a Wikipedia page? Citation needed that this guy has done anything, please. So it's a little bit like that. I think you need citations to sort of get in there. But, see, there's the main prize, which is awarded by judges for the best portrait. And, you know, it's that classic art thing where you don't know what people are judging on or whatever because there's literally

these portraits that are like a foot tall and then there's portraits that are as big as that wall over there like they're just you don't know how they're judging whatever but then there's a secondary prize which i enjoy the most called the packers prize which is given to the favorite painting by the people who are lugging the pictures in and out of fucking wooden boxes. So it's the tiniest, lightest painting. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Not the huge ones.

It's just like, have we seen them this year? No, no, no. Just put them on the scales. Yeah, that's the lightest one. We like that one. Lawrence, I just noticed you've got a Star Wars-y sort of T-shirt on. Yeah. And that reminds me, because I read a while back,

the fact was you were written, because you're obviously a Star Wars fan. Now, how did this happen? You were written into the universe of Star Wars, like the comic book? Yeah, comic book. A good friend of mine, Tom Taylor, he's a comic book writer, you know Tom. He wrote the Star Wars Invasion official Lucasfilm comic books. And when I heard he was doing this, I kind of like begged him, please, I'm a massive fan of Star Wars,

please put me in the Star Wars universe. You know, make a derivative of my name. Like just make me some like shitty backwater swamp planet or something. Switch the letters around like a Facebook name. Lawrence Lung. Yeah, and then he did something better. He made me a Jedi Knight. Lawrence Lung. Yeah. And then he did something better. He made me a Jedi Knight called La Liang.

And I thought, oh, this is awesome. And I read the comic book. That's your self-esteem. You're like, just make me like some swamp creature. Some dirty alien sex worker. Yeah. Or is it the other way around where you, yeah, yeah. Is it even worse where you sort of go, oh, yeah,

he's just used my name in a Star Wars universe. They've generally got fucked names. That's weird that he doesn't have to change my name, you know? Yeah, I've got a weird surname anyway. So it's La Liang and I read the comic book and I'm like this weird alien ugly thing that is a Jedi knight and then he gets slain by this Sith Lord called Zah Lok and then a few months later I'm at this New Year's Eve party and Tom's there and then this other guy comes up to me

and he goes, are you La Leon? And I look at him and I go, Zah Locke? It's one of his other mates. He's the dude that kills me in the comic. Oh, wow. Yeah. I like that maybe that's the way it's gone the whole way through Star Wars.

Like George Lucas just grew up with a guy called Billy Skywalker and went, no, I'll look after you. I'll whack you in here. Does it hurt a little bit knowing that you're non-canonical? Does that hurt? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it does hurt now.

Does all that not happen now, now that they're bringing in the episodes? They said, you know, J.J. Abrams was like, all right, we're kind of rewriting the universe a bit. What happens after, you know, the last Star Wars movie. So a lot of the books that have been going around for, all right, we're kind of rewriting the universe a bit. What happens after the last Star Wars movie? So a lot of the books that have been going around for 20 years or more, they just dropped it. Because the books used to be canon and now they've gone, nah. It didn't even happen in the books.

Sorry, guys. A lot of geeks cried that day. That's pretty cool though. What would you – because there's a comic book out at the moment that a number of people have alerted me to and I've been meaning to go buy a copy and read it out. There's a comic book out called Thomas Alsop which is my real name.

My birth name. Explain why you changed your name to Tommy Daslow again. There's no good reason. I just did it for shits and gigs before my first ever stand-up gig. Gee, that was worth getting me to do. I just thought we haven't brought it up for about three episodes so I thought we should bring it up It's my full actual name

As it's printed on my driver's licence There's a comic book with that title And it's spelled Because there's other people that have also But I never see Apart from the ones that are related to me With the same spelling Same spelling everything

So yeah, I can't believe it's taken me That's a big indictment on me That it's been out there for like six months And it's taken me this long To get off my arse and go to the comic book shop. Have you got it now? No, I haven't got it yet. If that comic becomes huge and famous, are you going to change your name?

Change back. Yeah, change back. Try and cash in. Well, this is what I'm going to do. You know what? I'll do this in between this episode and the next. I'm going to go into the shop, get – because they must be up to like issue five or six by now. I'm going to get all of them.

I'm going to whack them down on the counter. They're going to go, you know, whatever. What would that be like? Twenty something, twenty bucks or something? Yep. I'm just going to whip out the old driver's licence, hand it in and go, what do you say I get these on the house?

I'm going to try, I'm going to see if I can get at the very least a discount for having the exact same name as the comic book. Hmm. I wonder how that'll work because if I was because i'm not saying it'll definitely work i'm saying it's worth a try if i was the guy i would say absolutely not well i'm i'm kind of friends with a guy in a comic okay well this is a different relationship he's probably just gonna give it to me anyway yeah you can go in there and go here's five spider-mans can i have them for free because we're mates?

You can do that with anything. The challenge would be how many comic books can you go to including online overseas with a photo of your license and go, how about it? Yeah. That's a good challenge. That's a good challenge. So you should be finding out if these guys have got super fans yet. If this comic book's got dedicated big...

Try and find out if someone's got a Thomas Alsop tattoo yet. Yeah, that's good, actually. We got to... I mean, we should try and get... Like, I don't know what the story of the comic book is. I'm going to get it and read it and find out. So this is shit.

It's to them that we can get you and I inserted into it. Yes, yes. Podcast inserted into Thomas Alsop. There you go. Yeah. Because this is the thing at the moment. Like, you've got a proper Wikipedia page. Mine's on the verge of being taken down for some reason.

I don't know why you're more credible personality than me. But that's what's happening. Now you've got a comic book. There's no Carl Chandler comic book. Yeah. There needs to be, I need to. Good. No.

Well, if I can get into a Star Wars comic, surely you can get into Thomas. Thomas Olson. Now that's good. Yeah. So you need to meet the guy that writes Thomas Alsop Such a big fan Such a big fan of old Alsop You go in and get your free Spider-Man comic down the road

And I'll get into your book What about you Greg? If you could be inserted as a character Into a piece of existing Have you met any other Greg Larsons? I've never met a Greg Larson, no I've googled Greg Larsons and there's a motivational speaker and that's about it.

Oh, wow, that's great. Yeah. Because this is the stupid thing I did. I befriended on Facebook every Carl Chandler I could find, just thinking that's a funny idea. But what literally happens now is say I'll have a big night, I'll wake up and read Carl Chandler saying, oh, yeah, fuck everyone.

I'm like, oh, what did I do? And it's like, oh, no, it's one of the other 17 Carl Chandler saying oh yeah, fuck everyone. I'm like, oh what did I do? And it's like, oh no. It's one of the other 17 Carl Chandlers. It's good to know that all the other ones are as angry as you. They're just going, fuck everyone. At like four in the afternoon, their time. Why aren't I in Thomas Allsop, the comic book?

But yeah, what would you get put into if you could be written into? If I could be written into anything, I mean, well... Surely it's got to be a Gary Larson cartoon. Well, a Gary Larson cartoon would be the best, actually. That would be really good. Like, Lord of the Rings is my favourite thing ever, but I feel like I wouldn't want to get written into it

because I wouldn't want to ruin it, you know? Don't meet your heroes, yeah. So, like, if you end up as a character in it and then you're on a forum and die-hard fans like yourself hate your character, that would break your heart a little bit. It would. It would be like because that's why the Hobbit movies were so shit

was because they just went, oh, let's just add in all this extra stuff. Now Tolkien knew what he was doing. Just leave him alone. So not Lord of the Rings. Okay. All right. Which is not an answer. Just keep telling us things you don't want and we'll get to doing. Just leave him alone. So not Lord of the Rings. Okay. All right. Which is not an answer. Let's go.

Just keep telling us things you don't want and we'll get to you. Sex and the city. Well, you said people would not be fans of you. You don't want to ruin it. You don't want the fans writing in saying they hate you. So you've just finished. You've been on TV sort of for the first time with Dirty Laundry Live. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep, yep. No, no, yeah. Yep, yep. No, no, no. Where's this going? And most commonly referred to as the piss break in a show with no ads. Who's referring to it in that way? Lawrence Mooney. That was more. I got more than a few tweets saying, oh, Greg Larson's on, time to take a piss.

Well, that's all I was going to ask because, you know, it is that brutal thing of as soon as you pop your head out and, you know, someone can see you on the internet, it's like, you know, let's say me and Desi, we're in the podcast world, so it's sort of, you know, you only find us if you're searching for us in a way. No one's sort of casually finding us like that. Whereas, you know, if you turn up on Dirty Laundry Live every week, someone's going to go, no, no, I don't want this, or yes, I do, whatever.

So we don't get that sort of feedback as much. So did you get – is that the sort of thing that you got? Did you get negative? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was almost exclusively negative. But that's the thing is I'm used to that, like, you know, I'm just used to getting shit on this phone. But even just making videos on YouTube, like because we would make,

like the podcast is the podcast. Like this podcast is always going to be this podcast. Podcasts are hard to find and they're an investment. Yeah, exactly. In time. Exactly, right. No one's sitting through an hour and then going, fuck that. That's a real

long piss break i had a big night last night go to the doctor after that jesus but it's not like you're going like oh this podcast is just going to be tommy dj like it's not you're not doing it should be yeah actually that'd be really good um like, because when we were making videos online, like I remember like with Skills in Time and like Henry got a bit of, you know, like this J-Dos video got really popular and all that kind of stuff. And then so people started going to the channel and suddenly we had heaps of subscribers

and people we didn't know who they were. But then anything that wasn't that thing that they came to it for, they just hated it. Like just sight unseen. They're like, fuck off. Who's this fat cunt? Where's J-Doc? It was just brutal constantly.

One guy, and I made a video on one guy threatening to kick my teeth in. Because in the video, my character was going like, oh, Slipknot suck. And he's like, Slipknot are the best, man. If I ever fucking see you around, I'll kick your teeth in. Yeah, whatever. Well, with Dirty Laundry Live, me and Tommy have both been on.

I was on last year as a guest, and it's that thing where you pop your head up and see what the general population think of you and whatever. So I did it, and I was almost a little bit disappointed there wasn't enough new people that were saying yes or no or whatever. There was a good handful. There was a handful of people saying, oh, yeah, that was good. And I remember this one woman just kept going me and going, you're a disgrace to have been on there.

And I was like, go fuck yourself. And then she's like, you weren't at the same caliber as the rest of the comedians. You're obviously not as good as them. You're not going to have as successful a career as them. So, you know, you should probably have another job. And I'm like, yeah, that's all valid that's all fairly on point i just want to sort of thumbs up yeah i just sort of want to go no fuck you and it's like no you've you've actually said all things that are probably correct but then that's

the worst kind of like insult or heckle or feedback the one that's like really deep that cuts into your own neuroses about yourself and your life choices where you go, yeah, I know. Like when someone just says the things to you that you say to yourself at 2 a.m. when you're curled up in bed. That's the most cutting one. I feel like because at the start of that episode, so I'm on and it just happened two days before Robin Williams had passed away. And I sort of felt like I said to Mooney, Lawrence Mooney, I said to him, look, I don't have anything about Rob Williams. I never watched his shows. I never watched his movies.

I wasn't a fan or anything. Like, whatever. I just don't have much. Just in case you're thinking about throwing me a bone, I just don't have anything on it. Just in case on this comedy show you're thinking about talking about suicide, this is my position. Yeah, well, I'm, like, scared.

It's like, okay, this is my first Proper show I've been on Like you want to get off To a good start You know this is just Going to bog you down But anyway Sorry Big insult to Studio 10

But anyway Hi Ida If you're listening So So I get on there And immediately they go Oh so anyway Robin Williams

Carl You're a comedian You would have loved him Wouldn't you And I was just like Not prepared for it Because I'd already said Don't go to me You know They go, oh, so anyway, Robin Williams. Carl, you're a comedian. You would have loved him, wouldn't you? And I was just like not prepared for it because I'd already said, don't go to me. I don't have anything to talk about.

So he cut to me and he's like, what do you reckon? And I was like, oh, I wasn't a big fan. And it's like, oh, what are you saying? Like you're kicking a dead person. How dare you? Exactly. And I don't have this on tape. I don't know if this is anywhere on the internet. But literally this is what I said and I didn't mean to say it.

But this is literally – and I felt like I was on the podcast or something. I'm just being a dickhead in front of people. Getting roasted in front of the whole squad. Yes. I've said to him, he goes, what do you think? And he goes – and I said, it's not like I'm glad he's dead. And then like did a tiny little pause like as if people were going to find that funny. And no one found that funny. And then quickly I just had to pause, like as if people were going to find that funny. And no one found that funny.

And then quickly I just had to go, so what else are words? Oh, yeah, no, people liked him. And you've set yourself up like big rookie mistake where you've said, it's not like I'm glad he's dead. So someone can just cut off the start of that sentence and have Carl Taylor. I'm glad he's dead. Yes. Yeah, I think that was the promo on ABC too, wasn't it?

That's the new station identity. But then it's that horrible thing where you're on this live TV show and then for the next five minutes it's like, just try and say something else to make sure that wasn't your one highlight. Just keep yourself in the game because I'm sitting there going, this is the worst. The first thing I've said is going to get me booted off TV. Someone's going to come out during the piss break over here

and just kick me out of the seat. Maybe that's why the seats have rollers on them so they can just literally just... The thing about the hate though, I've talked to a few people that have gotten hate on Twitter that have actually dealt with it really badly and got

really upset about it. You've got to remember that these people are... Who are they like yeah this this one person that said that i was a piss break like oh greg sucks this is the worst fucking thing fuck greg get him off the show then i looked at all her other tweets and all her other tweets from the show were just like repeating mooney's joke and then going lol so what i've done like who cares Yeah, a fan of Mooney. What's the problem there?

Well, no. Anyone that likes Lawrence Mooney is an asshole, you say. No, that's actually, oh, man. That's not what I'm saying. No, I'm saying like people. I'm not glad he's dead, bro. Yeah, it's not that bad. When you see a YouTube video and then there's a joke in it

and then someone just says the joke, it's like, yeah, we just watched the video. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we just watched the video. What are you contributing to the world? Why don't you just... Yeah, good on you. So I did the Falls Festival and Southbound gigs over the New Year and at the Southbound one, which is in Perth, after the gig, you know those gigs

you're next to the main stage and there's a lot of noise bleed and you can do well but it's very it's way different to the goalposts of any normal gig. You know, you can't well but it's very it's it's way different to the goal posts of any normal gig you know you can't really hear yourself you just go out you do the best job you can some people sit and listen and you go great and then that night it was about midnight i was i'd been drinking during the day i was at red rooster getting something to eat there's like a red rooster van in the festival and some guy comes up while i'm eating my burger and goes man you're

a bloody comedian that was on earlier, weren't you? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's interrupted a group of people telling me that they thought I was good. Right. So he sidles in and goes, yeah, mate, tell you what, bloody, I wouldn't quit my day job if I was you because bloody hell, that was fucking no good. I mean, good on you for getting up and having a crack, but fuck, man,

that was shit house. And I just go, yeah, well, guess what? I got paid to come here and do that and you paid money to sit there and watch it. So sucked in. Like just that thing where you go, who's won here? Like I got won here. How did he leave that conversation? He just kind of – and he kind of walked off like, no, mate, you know, no reason to get offended.

I'm just saying. I'm just trying to give you some honest feedback. Yeah. And I'm like, you know what? Say what you want. But don't interrupt me when I'm eating Red Rooster. So just wait. Just sit and watch me.

Wait until you've seen the last remnants of the bird go down the gob. Yeah. And then, I mean, don't hide. He's got plenty more to criticize than your comedy performance. Why didn't you concentrate on that? Yeah, exactly. I was nude with my tiny little dick hanging out. Have a go at that.

So now that we've fully covered how many how many assholes are out there watching tv shows and performances and being so negative about it lawrence you've got a new show coming up so that's something to look forward to i'm waiting for the twitter on that it's funny because on the internet people either love something and they'll tell you or they really hate something there's no one in between just going oh yeah, yeah, I give that three and a half stars. Like where's the middle? Like most people in the world. And you're more likely to say something negative than –

even if you love something, you're more likely to say the negative than I love something. Yeah, that's true. I mean if you're just from a writing standpoint, if you're writing something, you can be way more creative in the negative. There's way more fun language you can use to shit on something yeah then there is to just yeah you see it all the time like on yelp or urban spoon or whatever if people reviewing restaurants like it turns into a sport like going through every bit

of yeah yeah it was is way more fun than just going oh this was delicious i read this awesome thing where this um this was this black writer in US, I think she was a poll or something, and on Martin Luther King Day, this young troll was just doing the foulest racist things towards her, a lot of KKK remarks and jokes and things like that, and she'd respond really positively just saying, oh, I see where you're coming from, but this is a really important day, and then he'd just go at it, and then eventually he cracked and just apologised because she was like, oh, how old are you? And he goes, I'm 14. And then eventually he cracked and just apologised because she was like, she was like going, oh, how old are you?

And he goes, I'm 14. And it's like, well. And then eventually he was like, oh, you sound like a really good person. I'm really sorry. And all of a sudden the troll was just like trembling and she eventually just wrote back, you can DM me if you want, if you need someone to talk to. That's great.

I love hearing those things. Jesus. That's some Jesus shit right there. Yeah. She did some Jedi stuff in those Twitters. Well, you would have That's what you should have done Greg Hey mate if you ever

Need a piss break You know I've got a Perfectly functional toilet Come round to my house Doesn't have to be Thursday nights At 8pm I actually did respond to someone Just saying

Like Sorry my name is spelled E-N not O-N Like Greg Larson Not Greg Larson And he just wrote back Oh sorry Greg Larson, and he just wrote back, oh, sorry, Greg Larson is shit.

Well, now you can properly use that as a quote for your poster without it making you look silly. No, you should put both. Greg Larson is shit. Greg Larson is shit. Oh, that's so good. So, Lawrence, I reckon you probably have pretty universally good reviews for your shows and stuff like that. Like, everyone loved Choose Your Own Adventure and stuff like that.

I wouldn't have said you had too much bad press. I think it's probably because I hang shit on myself a lot. I don't put myself out there as, like, the king of something. And also my characters in the show, how I represent myself, is kind of like who I am, which is very sort of understated and a little bit kind of, of like self-deprecating. So if you think you can like hang shit on me, I've probably already thought that, like you said,

at 2am in the morning while you're eating KFC in your jocks. I've done that, you know, I've been there. But with, you know, like the new show, like it's interesting to see how it's going to be, people are going to react to it because it's a little bit different for television. It's like a kung fu comedy show. We don't make action comedy shows in Australia very much other than maybe Danger 5 at the

moment. Right. It's so good. It's such a bonkers show. So I think people are going to really love it and there'll be people out there who go, I don't really get this. But that's cool because it's not for you. But wasn't this one isn't, so it's Maximum Choppage on the ABC.

This isn't based on, because I initially coming into it, I thought it was based on one of your festival shows, but that's not right, is it? No, no. All my other TV shows are plagiarised from my festival shows. Yeah, yeah, right. This one was based, there's this guy called Timothy Lyon. He's like a martial artist and filmmaker in Cabramatta and he made all these really cool short films

and then he went to the TV world and said, who wants to make a martial arts comedy series? We don't do this in Australia. And yeah, I got together with him and the production company and basically made it from scratch. You know, we use the title Maximum Shoppage. We love what that evokes, which is action and what the hell does that mean? Yeah.

Because the show is a bit of a, what the fuck? You know, it's crazy. It's bonkers. It's set in this like heightened Jackie Chan type universe. And you know, it's kind of like the castle but with martial arts. Finally. At last. On Australian TV.

They are two great quotes. Greg Larson is shit and the castle with martial arts. It's like Thomas Alsop meets Monkey Magic. Yeah, exactly. So we got together a small team of writers. There's myself, Josh from Appleston and Duncan Sarkis

who used to write for Flight of the Conchords. Oh, yeah, cool, wow. Because we said, you know, we want it to be kind of like, you know, Flight of the Conchords is kind of this heightened world where there's all these breakout music sequences but let's have some cool action sequences and make a really nutty show. And, yeah, so that's on our airwaves now on ABC2 at Tuesdays.

And it's like everything else you've done is sort of you've written it, but so this is the first thing you've done where sort of it's not all you writing it. So this is like Woody Allen when he was in scenes from a mall with Bette Midler. Yeah. Sweet reference. Exactly. Exactly like that. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's kind of cool being part of the writer's room because you can kind of like, okay, so what do we want this show to be? We're starting with a blank slate. Yeah. Let's just make it like really weird and nutty and just like you know just kind of it we what we love we just threw it up on the on the on the whiteboard and then someone else had to shoot it unfortunately i had to also be in it uh because the whole idea as a writer is that you know you raise the stakes you put some jeopardy for the character and then when i'm performing as this character, Simon, in the show, I'm like, fuck this writer, putting me in jeopardy.

I have to learn all these martial arts and I'm getting punched in the face in every scene. So you had to learn all the martial arts? Yeah, I had to learn some, but not as much as some of the other characters because my character's a bit of a coward. So he can't actually fight, although everyone thinks that he's this massive warrior. He's just faking it.

Do you have a stuntman? I do have a stuntman when I get thrown through like a plate glass window. Oh, wow. But most of the time it's like I get a punch to the face or kicked in the face by a flying kick or something. You are covered in bruises right now. Yes, I know. He is bandaged up.

And I've become pretty much a black belt at getting hits to the face and making it look convincing and then just falling down to the ground, which I don't think Is a skill I could take To King Street And just go Can you just narrowly Miss my face With your coward punch

Yeah yeah But that's awesome Because like You know I've started Going to the gym This year properly And it's It's almost like

Having a personal trainer Because you go to the gym By yourself And you go Oh this is 15 minutes I don't know about this I might go home But if you've got to

Do it for a film Like that's the best Personal training Because you're getting paid to do it and someone's making sure like it has to be on screen it has to be good like so you you were actually not bad at karate or i will no i was terrible at karate because my character is terrible so they basically said to the all the other actors who can who have to fight it's like right we're training you for months leading up to this and for me it's like okay we're just going to train you how to get punched in the face oh so you can't you don't actually you didn't gain any skills from it uh as you can tell from my physique

but no you didn't have to no i didn't have to it's really awesome oh wow that i'm not disappointed like that would be that would be cool if you if you got to do that job and then you came out of it with that oh well you should have just written in like he does heaps of wakeboarding so that you get to just like have heaps of wakeboarding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he picks up a lot, has sex scenes and jumps out of planes. BBC has to hire you sex workers every night for six months. Yeah, Rose Byrne is in there.

She gets cast in it. Tax payers forking over for a bit of nookie for Laurence Long. Rose Byrne gets inseminated. There's actual penetration in the show. Well, just on that thing you were saying about writing things for yourself and then having to do it, if I may sneak in a plug for – I made a little web pilot for SBS that's up now. Oh, it's awesome.

I saw it the other day. Yeah. It's all fully furnished. It's on sbs.com.au slash comedy. Some people have watched it so far and been very nice, which is cool. So I wrote that with Tom Ballard and I wrote a scene in there where my character was going to appear naked because I just went, well, I don't care about doing that.

I'm fine to be nude on camera. This will be funny, my fat little body naked. That's a funny visual. So I write it and then we got the funding and then we had to refine the script and we thought about the characters a bit more and it sort of ended up becoming when we defined the characters it was like, you know what, this kind of isn't something that my character would do, this is sort of something

more that Ballard's character would do so then we kind of rewrote it and then he had to do it and so we turn up and it's that same thing where you put it on the piece of paper and you go, yeah, this will be fun and then four months down the line, you know, Tom's there in the nude having to have a little dick sock attached to his junk

and just looking at me going, thanks a lot for this. I'm going, hey, in my defence, I was happy to do it, I wanted to do it and now I've stitched you up and you have to be nude on camera. It's more your character. Now go for it. It's more your character to get attacked by these wild dogs. This is your character to quit breakfast radio to be nude in a web pilot. Greg, I need to bring something up with you that has happened

since the last time that you were on the show. Now, I found out... I like the hesitation. So much hesitation here means... I'm a little bit nervous. I think I've told you about this, Carl, I don the hesitation. So much hesitation here means... I'm a little bit nervous. I think I've told you about this, Carl. I don't know. But last time you were on the show, I found out afterwards that you went home

and you told your girlfriend, who's a friend of all of us, that you had done the podcast. And she said to you, oh, what was Tommy like? Was he just going crazy? Was he just like being real mental? And you go, what was Tommy like? Was he just, you know, was he just going crazy? Was he just like being real mental? And you go, what? No. Why?

And then she reminded you that when you guys had first started dating, which was like, I don't know, six months, eight months previous at that point. Yep, yep. She had said, you'd been having a conversation about guys acting differently when girls are around. Yeah, that's right. And she had said to you, is there anyone that you know, any guys that you know that are really different when girls are around. Yeah, that's right. She said to you, is there anyone that you know, any guys that you know that are really different when girls are around?

And you'd said, you know who the worst is, is Dasolo. He's just fucking mental when girls are around. He's running around, he's getting his dick out. Junkyard dog. He's calling himself Tommy Olsop. He's just crazy. Popping up in comic books. And you've set that up.

Writing nude scenes for other blokes. Putting dicks on the Archibald winners. And then you've just forgotten to tell her that that was just something that you were saying as a joke. Yeah. So every time she's seen me for the next six months, she's had that idea of me in her head. Yeah.

And what's – because I was brutal in my description because I literally thought of – like, because she asked me, do you know any guys that are like this? And I was trying to think of the guy who's just, like, a nice guy. And your name popped up. So compliments to you, mate. So, but I've just said, nah, Tommy, he's full on. Like, he will get his, he just, I don't even understand

why he keeps getting his dick out It's not even like a funny Clever thing he just like as soon as There's just guys like come on guys dicks out And he starts waving it around he once like stood up On a table and pissed in a jug I was just saying All this brutal stuff and I was

Like this was not going to be a prank that I Maintained for any period of time I was literally going to wait because I did this all the time. Like I was just going to wait until she goes, really? And then I go, nah. Like I was going to explain it five minutes after I'd said it. Yeah. But somehow we got sidetracked.

I think I got a phone call at some point. Hey, we want you to be on Dirty Laundry Live. And I just forgot to reveal the truth and I'd forgotten that I'd even mentioned it I completely forgot that I had said this as a joke and it was yeah it was six months later

and it was actually I can't remember what the context was but you made it I think you were around and you made a fucked joke or something you said something a bit off colour that was quite funny but a bit lewd or something. Don't know about that but anyway.

It's more of a Thomas Allsop sort of thing. But Alison said something like, I think I'm starting to see the real Tommy. And I just said, what are you talking about? And she was like, you know what you were telling me? I couldn't remember. Oh, man. So then when I found that out, I'm just flashing back to every time I've seen her over the last six months and knowing.

Because the other thing is. She's keeping a safe distance. The other thing is I've known her for like ten years. She'd known you at that point for like a month. And so I think that you, like clearly she just already had that want to believe that in her head. Like it was so easy to get her over one. And can we say

can we say that you Tommy have, you went steady, you went out with Greg's current girlfriend at one point. Yeah, alright, thanks for bringing that up. Yeah, cool. I find that very interesting that you two have shared a girlfriend at one point. Yeah, cool. I find that very interesting that you two have shared a girlfriend at one point. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Yeah, she didn't know the real Tommy, but Greg does. Yeah, yeah. She was going out with you and being intimate with you, yet somehow you showed your real self to Greg. Like, what have you been doing with Greg? I'm just trying to think if maybe when we did go out, did I ever piss in a jug when I was around her?

And so that's just like a dormant memory that's in her head. You know, nine years later, Greg brings it up and she's like, yeah. Was that on your second date? Because on your first date you took her to the movies, you wanked with the video camera. Look, I'm a little bit busy. I've got work tonight. But, hey, do you want to come see what I do for a while?

It's actually... That's reminded me of something that... I've done a similar thing to a friend of mine when I was... When me and my mates had just finished high school, first year out of high school, you first get into sort of going out to bars and stuff. It's like, oh, how cool is this? We can just be out all night. Like, this is great great and there was this group of us and our friend pete who i've mentioned a number of times on the show and who does listen and who i'm actually

not sure if he's cool me talking about him on the show but anyway uh he would always you know the night would sort of just be getting going like it'd be like 11 p.m 12 p.m and we'd be going yeah this is it you know we're out how good's drinking and then he would just sort of be on his phone he'd be like oh yeah dad's nearby dad's gonna come and give me a lift home like every time we went out he would just kind of bail pretty early on i don't know why his dad was always out just driving around like travis bickle or whatever cleaning up the streets yeah night, you know, this went on for like months. And one night we go, you know what?

Let's... Sick of him always bailing out. You know, it's really like we get all revved up and then he's, you know, it's fun to be around. He just bails just with no notice. Let's teach him a lesson. So we concocted this lie that we had... And this is, you know, we're all kind of like trying to meet girls

and being very unsuccessful at it. So we concocted this lie that we'd gone down to the SB and we'd met a group of backpacker girls and we'd gone back to like where they were staying and we'd all hooked up with, you know, one of them and then we added in this thing that there was a girl in the, there was like one girl left

over who like, you know, and he had a lot of very specific interests at the time and so we just made up this thing that like she had told us she was into all the exact same things as him and then we're all back hooking up with all the other girls. How old were you, 17? We were like 18.

18. So what was it? She's really into aqua and tamagotchis. I don't want to reveal what his specific interests were. But anyway, so we just had this this in the story there was this girl just there going gee whiz it's you know all the girls have met one of you guys and this is perfect and i wish there was a guy here for me and we're going yeah you know our friend pete you would have loved him it's a shame that you know it's a shame that he left early because you guys would

have really hit it off and so we tell him this and he's like fuck i can't believe i missed out i'm never leaving early again and he got you know really you know really cut up about it like six years later like years and years down the line he's like oh like that night that you guys you know you guys met all those girls and we're like what he goes yeah remember that when you you i left and you went to the sb and you all picked up and we're like that was made up that was obviously made up and he goes so what you're saying that there wasn't just this one girl left over in the group who was into this it's like you're 25 now that was his lost love he's been pining for for seven years.

Oh, man, I felt bad because he made it seem like he had literally just been awake every night just thinking about the one that got away. So, yeah, I mean, I relate, man, and look, I forgive you. Even though you haven't apologised in any way. No, I don't think I have apologised. It was the best unintentional prank I ever did. The prank that you forget that you did.

It's like office space. You set that up but you forget to deprogram her so she's just walking around in the world with that lodged in her head. So good. Any unintentional pranks in your life? You used to write pranks for a living. I used to write pranks for the first two seasons of The Chaser's War and everything.

Yeah. But a prank I do to a comedian friend of ours, who I won't name, and he'll probably know now that I'm revealing it, is that I started signing up him to all these mailing lists. Wherever I was, like, say, you know, in town, I'd be, like, just signing up to, like, shitty shops. And then I'd be, like, travelling overseas. Like, oh, okay, this will be interesting. So I'd be, like, walk into, like, a German sex shop and just sign him up to that.

If I'm in New York, it's like, oh, the world's biggest hot dog, I'll sign him up to this. So he's getting, like, spam. What sort of updates are you getting from the world's biggest hot dog, by the way? I will never know, but he'll be getting... He'll be getting all these emails from the most random places. Actually, by the way. I will never know, but he'll be getting all these emails from the most random places.

Actually, if he knows where I've been, he'll probably now know who's been doing this. I feel like that could be me, because it feels like I'm on a lot of mailing lists for never been anywhere near. It's not you, Tommy. Okay, cool. I want to know who it is now.

It is that thing where initially I used to get annoyed by all those mailing lists, but as soon as you take a flight with anyone, they put you on those mailing lists. So you get, you know, if you've taken a flight with anyone, you get an email from an airline every day, yeah? You get multiple. But I kind of enjoy it. Really? Yeah, it's just that little momentary.

I get an email from an airline and just go, oh, yeah, the idea of going overseas. Oh, that's nice. And then that's it. And I just get that. I get that every day and go, oh, that's a nice little feeling at 3.30. You're the perfect customer. Yeah. Really.

Sign me up. If you see something good, as long as it's a positive sensory experience, like the hot dog, like I like hot dogs, sign me up next time. If it's something nice, if you go past a cookie shop in Amsterdam, sign me up. That's probably a bad example, actually. I shouldn't be on that mailing list for legal reasons, but yeah. Well, you've been put on mailing lists with your phone number being out there for people watching the show, so how do you feel about that?

Because you've complained about that, but you're fine with getting emails from sponsors. But the people that are putting me on those mailing lists are deliberately finding the worst things. It's all the erectile dysfunction. The amount of erectile dysfunction companies that have rung me up and texted me. I wonder if there's a mailing list for erectile dysfunction.

Like, surely you go in, you get the problem taken care of, and then that's it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You get updates about the field of erectile dysfunction. Well, here's the other interesting thing, I think, with that stuff. Like, if it's a prank, like, here's the other interesting thing, I think, with that stuff. Like, if it's a prank, like, there's a point for a prank.

Like, people have got my details and they've gone, right, we'll stitch up Chandler and this will be good. Erectile dysfunction, he'll get that call and go, oh, no, my dick works fine. No, this is not right. That works. Comedy-wise, that works. That was the worst acting I've ever seen you do, which says to me that your dick doesn't work.

I'm acting as me, so whatever I do, that's right. So, Greg, tell your girlfriend that Carl has erectile problems and see if we can get her to believe that for eight months. Yeah, well, you've already... Oh, she won't listen to the podcast. I will. So,

I understand that, right? If you're going to sign me up For a rectal dysfunction Or whatever I understand that comedy wise But the ones I get Where it's like Someone rings me up And goes

Right We've got a Rodeo for you to test drive And it's like How did you pick that Out of the world Like how did you pick How did you go

I'll fix him up I'll sign him up To test drive a new car Like a four wheel drive car Like There's a lot of things You could get me for. That's like I could answer that and go,

oh, I wouldn't mind a free drive of a brand new Rodeo. Nice one, whoever that is. So you're complaining. So what you're saying is you want people to put your number onto more fucked up things. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But I'm just remarking going, well, the, no, no, no, no. But I'm just remarking going, well, the imagination of some people,

I just think they're there. I appreciate that you're not trying hard enough. Maybe that's the lesson here. Keep it at that level. Keep it at that level, guys. I would say try harder, guys. Greg, before we get out of here, we should talk about this. You were at the start of the show telling us

that you are about to make a pilot for Fancy Boy. Yep. But then after that you told us that you ate fish and chips and spewed the other night, which sort of sounds like a more interesting story if we're being honest. Oh, well, because the pilot's like it's a pretty important, like it's a big deal for me. Yeah, but the fish and chips, like the… Yeah, no, the fish and chips were… Are the two linked in any way?

Tommy knows his audience. He's a pilot about eating fish and chips. Can I get on that email list? See, I've been going for, like, I've been exercising lately, thank you, and I... We all noticed. Like, I have actually lost a little bit of weight. But I've been walking, where I walk,

I walk past a fish and chip shop every day, every single day, which is really hard. And then finally I said to Alison, hey, let's not cook any food tonight. Let's get this fish and chips. I'm really keen on this fish and chips. Had like 83% on Urban Spoon. And I just, and then I just, like, I want to say.

I find it weird that anyone's looking up fish and chips on Urban Spoon. Yeah. It's just a bunch of seagulls writing, these fish and chips are awesome. See, I never would, but Alison, she didn't really want fish and chips. I'm like, no, it's just, oh, look it up. We'll see. And it's 83% that's real good. And we get down there and, like, I want to go on record and publicly say

I am never having fish and chips again. Name the store. Fish and chips. Name the store. Name the store. It was... Oh, I literally... I would...

I absolutely would name it. It's just fish and chips. It's on Moreland Road. I don't know what it's called. It's the shittest thing. Put them in the pile. I'd like to reiterate again. Fuck the veggie bar.

They served me a pizza with glass in it and were very unapologetic about it. With glass inside it? Yeah, there was shards of glass. Wait, did you just say they were very apologetic about it? No, no, they were not. Oh, okay, yeah.

I've said this on the show before but I don't care. They need to, people need to hear this. Well, here's the thing. A couple of weeks ago, Ronnie Chang, we had his list of,

he's now got his website online, all of his best picks for Melbourne called I'm OK With Anything. You go there and it's all Ronnie Chang's best picks for restaurants. Let's start up our own one, Shitholes of Melbourne. Yeah. Yeah, let's name and shit. Like, I want to name Hot Pizza House in Brunswick West.

They're the worst pizza ever. I want to name... I can't believe you went in there with a name like Hot Pizza House. Yeah, Hot Pizza House. It sounds like a sex dungeon. Hot Pizza House. No, it sounds like a That sounds like a sex dungeon. Hot Pizza House. No, it sounds like a pizza joint run by a three-year-old. Hot Pizza House.

Hot Pizza Safety House. That's where you go if you're being chased by someone. Hot Pizza House sucks. The IGA in Brunswick West sucks. Anne Ferguson House, she's a comedian in Brisbane. She sucks. Wow, that escalated. I thought you were going to say Anne Frank. She sucks. I thought you were going to say Anne Frank.

She sucks. I thought you were going to say books boring. So much more interesting than the pilot story. Oh, yeah. So you're at Fish and Chips on Moreland Road. Yeah, and this is what I want to say. Like, honestly, I've never, like, I trick myself. I love fish, but I've tricked myself every time i've eaten fish and

chips into thinking that this is going to be a good idea i've never in my life eaten fish and chips and not gone i regret this more than kfc more than any other place just fish and chips in general i ate these fish and chips and then i was like you know what and this was this was australia day as well this was uh the day of our country and i I said, mate, this... Australia where fish were invented. This classic Aussie meal is coming back up. I'm sorry to the Anzacs. And then I spewed big time.

And I haven't spewed in maybe six years. But what's more Aussie than that? Yeah. I wasn't even drunk or anything. I was just watching The Sopranos again. What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Your Australia Day marathon.

So are you at home by this point? Yeah, we picked up the fish and chips, went home. It's not that far from my house. We walked home, sat there, ate it. And I just sat there just going, nah, no way. And I ate all Alison's fish as well because she didn't like it. So that probably didn't help. Starting to get to the root of the problem

and there's the seafood stick and the prawn just one prawn the seafood stick how do they get away with having something so ambiguously named

on a menu who's ordering it I'm ordering it see I don't mind the seafood stick because of like to me it's like yep cool

seafood stick it's just like this weird thing's like, yep, cool, seafood stick. It's just like this weird thing. Who cares? But calamari. That's how I choose my food as well, by the way. Who cares? The protein chunk looks good. It's on a stick.

But this place, and this is another reason to hate this place, Moorland Road, look it up. I don't know what it's called. Find us the address and we'll put it out on the Facebook. Yeah, I'll find the address. The calamari is not even calamari it's the same stuff as seafood sticks but in a ring that's real dodgy that's real dodgy get him out is there anything uh lawrence that you want to put on our shit list yeah what's the worst place you've been to in melbourne oh god uh there was a you know i do like my dumplings and there are a lot of dumpling

places and i can't remember where it is now but I remember just coming home feeling so rank. It wasn't like prawn dumplings. It was like salmonella dumplings. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bad experience. Someone put an article up. There was like a broadsheet or one of those review websites

that had gone to and investigated the like the most allegedly unclean restaurants in melbourne yeah and it was like all places that i regularly frequent like and it was just someone eating it all of them over one day and then seeing how rank they felt at the end and they felt pretty rank it's like maybe that's because you've gone to like eight dumpling places in the row yeah but yeah it was all and it was all places that I had no idea. Like places that I love and that I recommend to people. And it's like, yeah, anyway, I'm sure, of course, we all remember in 2006, this place got shut down for having rats in the kitchen.

Like, no, I never knew that. Yeah. Well, you do have a very tough immune system now. Yeah. So is it Mall and Road Fish and Chips? I'm looking it up. Mall and Road Fish and Chips, M&M Fish and Chips, or Margarita's Fish and Chip Shop?

M&M's Margarita's don't sound familiar. Mall and Road, does it say what the, like? Urban Spoon, Mall and Road's got 81%. M&M's got 80%. I think I reviewed it. I actually think I reviewed it. Mall and Road Fish and Chips? Yeah.

No, I'm sure I reviewed it. I definitely reviewed it. Look them all up and read out the cost of a seafood stick at each one that'll remind me but i'm worried that my review is gonna sound really daddish like i wasn't trying to be funny in my review i was generally trying to worry about that imagine my surprise when i walked to your establishment what's your what's your tag i oh i don't know it could have just been like under g Greg or something. Hang on.

There's a lot of diner from Melbourne. Yeah. Just scroll down until it gets to January. Or is that 2014? 2014 already. Yeah, go up. It would have been like the most recent review or the second most recent. Are you Kat Gray?

Kat Gray. I don't think you're here. No, that might not be it then. That's not it. How do you spell Lree? I don't think you're here. I don't think you're here. No, that might not be it then. That's not it. How do you spell Larson? M&M Fish and Chips. Oh, you know what? This might be it.

Stay away. My girlfriend and I are local to this place. Is this it? Oh, wait. Hang on. Is this it? It might be. Hang on.

We called them up to order two grilled flakes and some chips. Whoever answers the phone needs to speak up. I can never understand them. You're not that guy. No, no. Did he call up? That is the most... I would never order flake.

That is the most subtle racism of all time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't even understand. To speak up because I can't understand them. Not saying it's erasing. It's just that they don't know the volume to speak at. This must be you because the tag is destructo underscore 11. That's you.

That's classic you. That's not me. I'm sure that's the one. If my reviews aren't up there, I don't know what's going on, but yeah. I mean, I left a bad review of Edgy Bar and they took it down off urban spoon oh really yeah which is like people need to know that there's there can be glass in their pizzas i don't know you could take it down it could be it could be a defamation thing maybe because like saying something because my one i said i got sick my one i said i actually threw up from this food so maybe they were like look you can't make claims like unsubstantiated

claims of sickness or sure getting glass or whatever. Well, mine was the same thing. I mentioned that my relationship ended not long after that and I kind of blamed it on the pizza. However, if you reviewed the glass positively, they would have kept it up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, guys, I think that does bring us to the end of the Little Dumum club For this week I want to say this Very very quickly We're talking about food And being sick and whatever I mentioned the show

A couple of weeks ago I have not been eating bread Since the start of the year So I'm still going strong So that's two months now I haven't been eating bread Meaning no pizza No hamburgers

More importantly Yeah I think I'm going to Tough it out I'm going to do this I haven't had a McDonald's burger Since December I think I'm going to Have my first one I'm going to do this. I haven't had a McDonald's burger since December. I think I'm going to have my first one.

I'm just going to aim for the live podcast in Melbourne when they come up in a month's time. You know what you should do? I'm going to aim for the sort of reaction you had after not having fish and chips for weeks. But you should get presented like a plate. I've always wanted to eat burgers when you're seeing like cartoons and there's like a pyramid of cheeseburgers.

Yeah, yeah. You should get that. Oh, dude. Oh, that'd be the best. You have to have the Urban Spoon website open ready to review it. Yeah. Can you Urban Spoon McDonald's? Sure you can.

It's a restaurant, isn't it? Yeah, I mean different locations must have different ratings. Can you really? I'm going to give them a good review. I think they're doing Orion. They need a leg up, don't they? The ones that you've been to that you like. I'm totally doing that because I have my favourite McDonald's.

Which one is it? My favourite is, ironically, you know when Xavier did like a takeoff of us weeks and weeks ago on Xavier's Corner, he went, I really love the McDonald's on the corner of Elizabeth and Burke and it's like yeah that is my favourite one that's actually my favourite one

Elizabeth and Burke it's nearly on the corner of there yeah I know the one it's on the hill like on the way up to Five Burrows yeah on the way

to Hardware Lane where Five Burrows used to be yeah it's a good McDonald's that's the best one it's a solid McDonald's yeah it is a good one I like the one here near me

the one that's in that weird old bank with a plate with a kindergarten next to. It is a good one. I like the one here near me, the one that's in that weird old bank with a plate with a kindergarten next to it. Is it walking distance? Yeah. Did I not know about this? I used to live just around the corner. And I could have been going to McDonald's, a walking distance McDonald's.

Yeah. Shit. What have you been doing with Urban Spoon? There's a McDonald's that's walking distance from anywhere you are, you fucking idiot. I don't know. Not, no, no, no,

where am I? It's a tram, well, it depends. Like, I eat a lot of McDonald's. I can't walk very far. Unless you live in a McDonald's,

that's no good. All right, what about this? You, at the Melbourne Live podcast, you eat the amount of weight that you've lost from eating

McDonald's, you have to eat that amount of weight that you've lost from eating McDonald's. You have to eat that amount of McDonald's. No, no, no. No. Let's not set anything to... It was like 15 kilos of McDonald's. 15 kilos of McDonald's. Put it back on.

I'm looking up the reviews of McDonald's on Urban Spoon. They're not going well, apparently. They're all like one star and two stars. It's because people are idiots. People are fuckheads. Everyone's like, oh, I hate the taste of McDonald's. No, you don't. You're lying.

You liar. You liar. It's sugar, salt and fat. It tastes great. Yeah. Like, you can be angry at McDonald's for a bunch of reasons, but taste is not one of them. Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Urban Spoon McDonald's CBD gets one star. Burke Street, my favourite, the one very close to my heart, two and a half stars. 46%. Well, looks like you're about to bump up to 50, McDonald's. What if you read the reviews and it's like, yeah, the food and stuff's good, but there's this fucking weird 40-year-old looking guy. Shut up. Leeching the free.

I'm not 40. Just abusing people when they walk in. Not only am I not 40, I'm not 40 just abusing people when they walk in not only give it five but I'm giving it two not only am I not 40 I'm not 40 year old looking alright

that's fair so I just bumped up McDonald's from 46 to 48 so there you go all your listeners should get behind this and support McDonald's get it up to 90

let's get it to 90 let's get McDonald's to be the highest rated Urban spoon Ever In the history of urban spoon Yeah Don't vote for Limo

In the Logies Get onto Urban Spoon And put your votes in McDonald's Are you nominated For the Logies this year Lawrence In your offspring

No you don't know I don't know I don't think I saw you Because I went on To vote today I actually voted In the Logies For the first time ever

So I was trying to vote For everyone I knew But I don't think I saw you I was voted in the Logies for the first time ever. So I was trying to vote for everyone I knew, but I don't think I saw you. I was a very minor character on that show. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. All right, guys, that is just about all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week.

Greg and Lawrence, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks. I feel like having markers now. Yeah. You feel like me every day. We can do plugs for things coming up, or we can just do, let's do a plug for something we have coming up,

and also a plug for a restaurant for no one to go to. So Maximum Choppage has just started last night. It'll be, the first episode will be on iview right now. Yep. And then Tuesdays. Tuesday night's ABC2 at 9pm. Awesome. Oh, it's ABC2, so you get to be in the same gallery as Greg.

Yep. And with the archibalds with my things hanging out. Who's the piss break in your show? Probably the bit that goes previously on. Ooh, piss break right at the start. Right at the start, wow. That's logical, actually. That's adventurous. And comedy festival's coming up. You've got live show.

Yep, live show, Melbourne Comedy Festival called The Escapist at Trades Hall. Great. And that's like, same dates as everyone else has got during the Comedy Festival, which is like March 26th to April 19th. Comedyfestival.com.au, all that stuff is on sale now. Yep, and be careful eating dumplings out there in the CBD. Yes, somewhere. Just to narrow it down.

Oh, I don't know. Because you're the nicest one out of all of us here. I like that you've just gone dumplings in general, so you don't want to tie it down to a certain venue. But they should really speak up. So Greg, you're doing a solo show at the Comedy Festival. Yeah, my first ever solo show is going to be this year. It's called Experience the Difference.

It's going to be in the Gin Palace Melbourne Comedy Festival. And you're in Brisbane as well? Doing it in Brisbane as well, yeah. Doing it for a week in Brisbane the 3rd to the 8th of March. And you're doing Fancy Boy, which I, look, it was very convenient. It was straight after my show last year, but I think I watched it 18 times or something ridiculous like that.

So I can recommend that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a pretty good show. We're doing the Fancy Boy show at the Vic Hotel, Melbourne. It's just Friday, Saturday nights, 11pm. And actually, the tickets are already selling pretty well. I saw you test a bunch of new stuff for it last night and very funny. Yeah, cool.

And I have an idea for something that I want to do in it. Yeah, you told me your idea. Which is horrendous. Which is showing your true self to his girlfriend. Guys, our Brisbane Live podcast is this Sunday. This is our last plug for Brisbane. This is it. March the 1st at the Sit Down Comedy Club, 3pm.

A lot of tickets sold so far, but still a bit of room, so get on that. Brisbane, we love you. You're selling very well, so please tip that over the edge. Let's get a nice full house. Yeah, and then I'm also in Brisbane from the 3rd till the 8th of March doing my new show, Cutie Pie, at the Brisbane Powerhouse. And look, guys, there's a lot of transparency here. I've seen the numbers for how the podcast is selling.

I've also seen the numbers for how my solo show is selling. And some of you think you can get away from having Daslo in your city for a week, coming to the podcast, the thing that you like, and not seeing me do my solo show. Well, let me also tell you this. I've got names and I've got email addresses for both of those events and I'm going to

be cross-referencing them. Anyone who thinks that they're getting away without buying a ticket to the solo show is getting a sternly worded email. So, yeah, get on that. TommyDassolo.com for my show. Adelaide, March the 15th. Speaking of people not buying tickets. Oh, speaking of stern words,

Adelaide. We're starting to see speaking of stern words, Adelaide. We're starting to see why people avoid you, Adelaide. Get on to it. We had such a fun time last year when we came, but you're letting yourself down a little bit. And let's say this, the line-up is looking top-notch. Yeah. We're in Adelaide at a time where there's a lot of great names there.

It's going to be heaps of fun, so don't fuck it up, Adelaide. And then Melbourne. And then I'm doing my solo show straight after that yes 8.30 that night how's that selling

yeah look sold out when we talked about bad numbers for the Adelaide podcast we didn't get to bad bad numbers okay and then Melbourne

every Sunday during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival still a very limited number of season passes available. The drunk cast on the final night, both of our solo shows. And Melbourne's selling great, so please just keep coming along and pack it out. It's going to be, you know what it's like in Melbourne.

We've got access to all the great people of Melbourne Comedy Festival, so keep coming along. And then our solo shows, so Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian, every night at the Comedy Festival. And me, Cutie Pie, 7pm at the Imperial. All that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.