The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 233 - Tony Martin & Bob Franklin

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

Faulty Towers, Brisbane Uber Drivers & Karl's DVDs.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne, this is it. This is one of your last warnings before our big month of live shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Strap in from March 26 onwards to April 19. We are doing four live podcasts every Sunday at 3 o'clock. And then on the very last night of the festival, on April 9th, we're doing the Drunk Cast, which you are eligible to get into only if you buy a ticket to one of the four podcasts that we're going to have with massive international and national and all your favourite guests. Yeah, it's going to be a great month. We've also got our solo shows every night of the festival, 7pm for me, Cutie Pie at the Imperial Hotel.

9.45pm for Carl Chandler, world's greatest and best comedian, 9.45pm at the Victoria Hotel. Tickets and information for all that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. We can't wait to see you there, guys. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thanks very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. You've done yourself a little bit of radio already this morning, haven't you? I know. I'm all tuned up for talking. Broadcasting. For broadcasting. That's the word.

Yeah. I did an interview. I did Clang with Launceston Radio this morning already. Do you remember the name of the station? No. Coast FM, I'm guessing. Yeah. Something like that.

Apple Point One FM. I don't know. So wait. Apple is like a sign on the frequency down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got fruit along the dial down in Tasmania. That's how it works. Yeah, I couldn't get a gig on Peach FM, obviously. So, yeah, no, I did an interview where they go,

this is an interesting angle. I don't know whether we should take this angle with the guests maybe coming up, but I was talking about a gig I'm going to come down and do at Fresh in Launceston in a couple of weeks' time, and their angle was right. They said, oh, you're doing gigs at the moment? I said, yes. I said, I did a gig last night.

I'm trying out jokes at the moment. You know, it's really hit and miss. And they go, oh, great, okay. Tell us a joke that didn't go any good at all. I'm like, okay. I'm like, are you sure? Because that's an angle where I'm making the show sound really bad. If I do a joke that didn't work, they're like, okay. I'm like, are you sure? Because that's an angle where I'm telling, I'm making the show sound really bad. If I do a joke that didn't work, they're like, no, no, it'll be great.

You're making the show coming up sound bad and you're making their show bad by giving them your worst content. Bad content all the way. Excellent. Not only that, but yeah, if they come and see me, they're expecting that joke that didn't work that they'd already heard before. Like that's double the bad. So they go, no, it'll be great.

It'll be great. Okay. So then I did the joke and then they don't laugh and go yeah that's no good i'm like all right well we've all lost here so i i yeah i i don't know if that's how they do it on all the fruit-based radio shows down there to hear what that's done to sales for yeah yeah exactly on through the roof exactly people demanding refunds yes yes uh joining us on show today, two big guests who we're very excited about. First of all, you know him from The Late Show, from Get This, from the upcoming Border Protection Squad.

Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Tony Martin. Thank you. Good to be here. Tommy, can I ask, have you heard anything about the impending release of Border Protection? You know what? Stupidly, we had Ed on the show last week. Ed Caval show last week.

Ed Cavalier's show. Ed Cavalier's movie that he's into. Is this its fourth year of post-production at this point? He's trying to break the record Greg Fleet set with Die on Your Feet between filming and broadcast. That was four years. I think we're coming up to four years. I think it's 2012 it was filmed, according to IMDb. I think we did it actually in 2011.

Flea was on heroin. What's holding Ed back? He's on Triple M. That's much, much worse. Also joining us today from the librarians, from Please Like Me, please welcome into Little Dunham Club for the first time, Bob Franklin. Yes. A much requested guest

Oh hello You got any thoughts on Triple M you'd like to share with us? I have a history don't I with Triple M That's right We did 163 podcasts with Get This And if you look at I think they're on iTunes somewhere Maybe they've been taken down

But the one Bob was on Was the only one that came with an R rating. Ah. Warning. Because he did refer to the management in unflattering terms. Well, I remember we have tried to get you on the podcast before a couple of years ago where we were recording from within that building. And you said, I will have absolutely nothing to do with that suburb even, I think.

Well, the thing is, I don't know if your listeners would know where Triple M used to be in St Kilda, but they've now moved to Clarendon Street. Yes, Port Melbourne. That building where Triple M was in St Kilda has remained empty. Oh. For, I think, close to six years now. No one will lease it.

It's like the building is cursed. That's prime real estate as well. Probably Bob Franklin. I think since Bob Franklin appeared on Get First. Oh, I thought you meant Bob Franklin lives there now. That would be interesting. I thought you meant Bob Franklin's the real estate agent showing people around the building.

Some bad juju in here. I'd like to see Triple M go and record in Beechworth Asylum. Now, Tony, we often... We have, for whatever reason, a history of having you on here generally around this time of year in the lead-up to the Comedy Festival. I don't know if you've had the chance to peruse the guide this year, but I thought you'd be interested to know that the Fawlty Towers Dining Experience is returning in 2015.

This has got to be the year for the Barry. Surely this is the year they get the Barry. Maybe this year they'll finally get the entree right and the judges will be finally won over. Because as we pointed out, every time they have improved on the original Fawlty Towers by spelling the word faulty correctly.

Maybe the judges have just been put off by the fact that Manuel keeps dropping stuff without realising that's part of the joke. The service in here is terrible. Two stars. My dad says every year that he's going to go. I send him, I'm like, hey, the guide's out. Here are some people that I think that you might like that are really

good and I'll send him a list and he'll go, what about that Fawlty Towers dining experience? Have you heard anything about that? And I go, since, well, as I've been telling you, since literally 2007 now, I do not know a single person that's ever been to it. Why don't they bring out the rest of the 70s sitcoms, theatre shows? Why isn't there a Robin's Nest musical that's out for the comedy vessel?

I think we had this exact same conversation last time. I love that you've mentioned Robin's Nest because one of the greatest impressions that I have ever seen was Bob Franklin in his own comedy festival show about three years ago did, not from Robin's Nest, Larry the Lodger. Larry the Lodger. From Man About the House, which was the, of course, Robin's Nest, the spin-off. Spin-off, yeah.

What was the reason for that, Bob? Here we go. I love, not just do it, just what were you thinking when you were trying to do it? What point were you thinking when you decided to do it? What point do you get into a writing meeting where you go, you know what this needs? Larry the lodger. Considering how popular the show turned out to be,

it is mystifying as to why I did it. Well, it was a great show. It was. I'd like to see the restaurant tram be taken over with an on the buses theme. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. On the buses on a tram. The name sells itself.

Now, that is a dining experience. A couple of dishy clippies on board. A couple of Swedish au pairs. Have you guys ever been on the restaurant tram? It seems like one of those things where, as my dad would be wont to say when I go overseas, he's like, why are you going over to some other country where you haven't even seen Ayers Rock yet? So I feel like, why am I going anywhere if I haven't been on the restaurant tram in Melbourne?

Why have I been to Macca's when I haven't been to the restaurant tram? Yeah, yeah. I see it all the time. I've never done it. I have been on it. Oh. Yeah. Scoop.

Yeah, it's fine. I'll take back that scoop. Sorry to be crude about this, but is there a toilet on the restaurant? How does that work? On the restaurant, Trev? Yeah. Just out the window? Yeah, there was.

It was definitely a toilet, yeah. Is it just because everything's… I made a note at the time. Because it's so compact, every inch has got to be allocated for something. Is it just sort of you empty all the pots and pans and then you sort of have to go to the toilet in the pots and pans? No, not as crude as that. I'll take that back.

I wonder if they're able to put a toilet on the restaurant tram. Why can't we have a toilet on every tram? You know what I mean? Yeah. Actually, that should be a thing. And why can't we have food on every tram? Okay, why isn't every tram just a restaurant tram? Yeah, exactly.

Are there inspectors on the restaurant tram? See, that's what I... Is he having to get Mikey as well or is that built into the cost of your meal? Yeah. Yeah. No, you get a diner's club card. That's how you do that.

We should do it. We should go before the festival. I don't think we should at all. Why? I think in my head it would cost $100 for a meal. It would cost something extremely exorbitant for something that they're reheating a steak on there. Surely they're microwaving a steak or something. They're not cooking things properly, are they?

It's going to be like airplane food quality. Yeah, exactly. If you just derailed the buffet car of a train, could you sell the idea similarly? Is there still buffet carts on trains? Especially V-line trains, there used to, you know, especially V-Line trains, there used to be dessert carts or whatever. I don't know if they do that anymore. There's a definite, like there is a food bit, there's a food carriage.

Have I ever told you about, I was on a V-Line once because I used to live in central Victoria and I'd come back and forth and whatever, but there was this very excited couple on the train one time and they were really excited and we were sort of keen to know what they were on about and they're like oh this is going to be so good you are going to be so sorry mate you they kept saying that i'm like okay all right and then we get to where was it beaufort or something like that some kreswick maybe kreswick we stop in kreswick and we as we're coming in we notice there's someone from pinkies pizzas

standing on the platform with like half a dozen pizzas and these guys are just going yes it's coming true so they phoned in ahead yeah oh that's awesome and there's this bewildered delivery man with six pizzas and then he just you know the doors open or whatever and he goes is did someone order a pizza on this train and they're like yeah and so they grab it and pay for it really quickly and then just bring it back and then just go in your face Simon and eat six pizzas. That's great. That's like, I think

I told this a little while ago, I went to a concert and when the concert finishes at the Forum in Melbourne, big crowd of people rushing out with just a Domino's pizza delivery guy standing in the doorway with a couple of large pizzas. So someone's gotten to the encore and gone, you know what, this has been a fantastic gig large pizzas. So someone's gotten to the encore and gone, you know what, this has been a fantastic gig,

but you know what's really going to cut this off? Not having to wait even one minute for a pizza after I've stepped out the door. Yeah, great. Real good. Well, I think we've got off the subject, which is why was Larry the lodger in your comedy festival? Why was he? Why was he? Why was he?

The author doesn't know. Well, I mean, the idea of the show was that the writers were trying to write a show. One of the writers was trying to write a show, and the other, his flatmate, would continually come in with his own ideas. And having Larry the Lodger as a character in the show was one of his ideas. I'm sure you need no more reason than that. Did you have to clear that?

I thought the writers was a great, I mean there's two of them so far, isn't there? You did one with Gatesy. Yes, yes. Who was in the other one? One was with Gatesy and Ros Hammond and one was with Steve Curry and Stephen Stagg. Great.

Great shows. I saw it with the... What did I see? It wasn't the writers. It was the one before the writers. It was Sue Robert. Stubborn Monkey Disorder was before that. That was the one with Gacy.

Okay, yes. I saw that one. Yes. Was there a year... I might not remember this correctly. Maybe a few years ago now you did the Comedy Festival and your marketing thing was you printed up just literally five posters that were all a different image and had them just around various venues and which if i remember rightly none of the posters contained any

no so the the sir robert the uh sir robert posters had uh they they did have the name of the room. Right. It was sort of secret. Not dates or times. No, nothing like that. Nothing to overload people. But to the general public, that is such a weird thing to put on it anyway because, you know, in comedy you know the names of all the rooms in the town hall and whatever. But then you're just saying the toilet room to people.

And they go, what's that? Why are we going to the town hall? Not to a toilet or whatever. but they've all got these bizarre... I do remember when you saw like a wall of posters and that one was there I did go to that one. It was, but I don't know whether that translated into bums on seats.

No, it didn't. Are you doing a show this year, Bob? Actually, the one with the poster for Stubborn Monkey Disorder had even less. That literally just had the festival logo on. It didn't even say the name of the room. It just said a room. You had the logo on it. You've sold out.

What was your blurb? The picture was out of focus as well. And what did the blurb in the program say? I remember. Something about hard seats or something. You seem to have such a hard time recalling work that you've done not even that long ago. You were able to remember that there was a toilet on the restaurant tram

but not details of something that you wrote. I can't remember where I parked. That's right. All it said in the comedy festival program was, there are no easy answers, only hard seats. That's all it said. So you treat them mean, keep them keen. Is that working out?

No, no, it's not. They didn't turn out to be keen at all. What are you doing this year? What's this year's one? Nothing. Nothing? Nothing. Well, I was going to do one with Gatesy and Lawrence Mooney and Flea.

Oh, yes. And it was all designed to be in the Melbourne Council Chambers. Yeah. designed to be in the Melbourne Council Chambers. Yeah. And I think for the first time in 17 years, the council withdrew the room. Really?

Yeah. Oh. Because that is a strange room. Have you ever seen a show in that room? I have seen a show in there, yeah. Sitting in a parliament. Yeah. St Gates had come up with this idea that it was specifically designed for that room.

And when that fell over, it wasn't really... Now, who ruined it? Because I remember the last person I saw in there was Greg Fleet. I feel like you're leading the witness. I feel like you know the answers to all of these questions you're asking, Tony. Yeah, Fleetie.

Yeah, I think Fleetie shot himself in the foot in advance because he didn't want to be doing two shows, so he loused it up for Gatesy. Greg Fleet not reliable. We heard it here first. Toilets on the restaurant frame. Don't trust Fleety.

He deliberately sabotaged the room last year. I think I remember you got the Moosehead Award. It was a grant that you got. So did that just go straight to Fleety and that's why you don't have it anymore? I think it gets carried over.

Right. Okay. I haven't heard the last word on that, but I think we're looking at this as a postponement. Oh, right.

Okay. You can just pop out the voucher next year. Right. So you've just got to keep... Yeah, I couldn't say that for sure. So you've got to keep abreast now of the kind of political comings and goings and make sure that council don't need to be sitting in those chambers

for the month of March next year. I've got to be in on every board meeting for now. Can you rewrite it for the carpet room in... What's it called? This is getting very inside baseball, but yeah, there's a... There's a room called the carpet room, which is slightly bigger than our bodies combined here at the moment. And is there any carpet gear you can wedge into your show that you can...

Oh, I'm sure there is. I mean, we had nothing to start with, so... What about a show like in the Melbourne Aquarium, you know, where people are standing there watching you swim around in the tank? That could be cool. That would be the worst idea of all time. Watching the aquarium would be so much more interesting than –

I remember someone did do a corporate gig not long ago and they told me instead of, you know, the traditional brick wall behind you because there's nothing interesting to look at, they're standing in front of whales and fish and rainbow trouts or something and it's like, why am I listening to your Yoda accent? Why am I not just watching fish? Why not just sell tickets to the aquarium? Here's my new gig.

It's in front of a giant TV that plays the complete series of The Simpsons. Yes. Yeah, that's just a backdrop. Well, I remember Anthony Morgan one year did his show at the Planetarium. That was a pretty good venue. I had terrible – I was up near Pluto with these terrible seats. But that was a good idea. That's you've time-marked that story of how long ago that was.

Hey, well, I want to ask you guys this thing. This is something that I'm doing later today. You guys have got much experience with creating TV shows and movies. I'm always at an absolute loss of what to do in auditions. I've got an audition later on today. But as Tommy and I often talk about on the show, like Tommy had an audition a little while back where he got the sheet that said,

okay, this is who you're auditioning for. Oh, a real idiot. Oh, yeah, no. So it was, hey, here's the part we want you to audition for. I go, great, I'm being asked to do this. This is, you know, cool. And the role was, highlighted for me was we zoom in on an unattractive man. If attractiveness can be measured on a scale of 1 to 10,

then this guy is definitely a 1. Like, just went on for seconds. I get it. Yeah, I know I get it. Well, I've got one today that is, and I don't get auditions. You know, I've made it very clear in today that is and I don't get auditions you know I've made it very clear in my auditions

that I shouldn't get auditions and I think the word's gone around yeah so I've I've auditioning today just out of the blue this is not a cattle call

I've got this specific person hit me up that I've never heard of gone we really really want you in I've tried to put them off I cancelled it three times they've still come back to me so I finally read the

blurb thing. It's socially challenged person, weird middle-aged mummy's boy. And it sounds like they can't imagine anyone else doing the role except for the Chan man. No, you're the guy. And are we allowed to ask

what it is? No, I don't know what it is. You can't hold diapers. Oh, is it that weird thing where it's like a... It's an ad. No, no, I believe it's a... From what I read, and I really did skim it, I just took out those terrible bits. From what I believe, it's a TV show that might get up.

Right. So it doesn't sound like a very attractive prospect to me to come along and make pretend for no good reason. Is the show called Socially Challenged Mummy's Boy? Because in that case... Oh, if it's the lead. If I've got the lead, yeah, yeah. Maybe it's a play on a restaurant tram.

I don't know. Well, I was with you the other day when I got an email from a casting agent that was on audition for an ad and it was filming like I had to film myself and send it in and it was filming two days from when they sent it to me and the ad was they were filming you skydiving and they were like you may have to do it a maximum of six times. You might have to jump out of a plane six times in a day.

In a row? In a row, yeah, in the one day. So really? Yeah. Not green screen? Yeah, yeah, actually jump out of a plane and then be – and so you've got a camera guy there presumably or someone with a GoPro or however. Or is it the tandem?

Because if you ever skydive – I've never done it before. The first time you do it, don't you have to sort of be in a tandem? Strap on the back of a guy. Like a child. Yeah. I mean, if it was tandem, you'd be strapped to someone. Yeah.

If it was solo, I mean, you'd have to do a whole course. I didn't do it. I didn't send the thing in because I just felt like I've never done it. I kind of would like to do it. But I feel like if you jump out of a plane six times in one day, you want to be dead. Yeah. You definitely of would like to do it. But I feel like if you jump out of a plane six times in one day, you want to be dead. Yeah. You definitely don't want to be alive anymore.

That's like buying six tickets in the lottery. You know, you're trying. I have wanted to do skydiving since I was a kid. And I love the idea of it. But it's the landing. I just know I would land with one leg on either side of like a corrugated iron fence. It would be some Benny Hill landing. Skewered on like a corrugated iron fence. It would be some Benny Hill landing skewered on like a church. In Hawthorne there's that church with the really pointy –

I just know I would be skewered like a – If you do it, you win Australia's funniest time video's grand final for sure. But that's the thing. You know when someone – when there's been an accident and people go off and go, oh, there's been this absolute terrible accident with skydiving. I'm always like, do you call that an accident? Like a guy jumped out of a plane and he didn't end up well is that technically an accident the thing that was meant to happen happened like yeah everything's pointing towards that happening i'd be so i'd be shitting myself before at each time

and i just imagine going like racing through the air for the first time and having to do dialogue and then going yeah yeah like being so shit first time and having to do dialogue and then going – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like being so shit scared and then getting to the ground and going – Holding the product up. Yeah, yeah. Like getting to the bottom and then being like, thank God that's over and then the director going,

yeah, can you just do it a little bit more like this? And then they're gassing the plane up again and just going, oh, man. Yeah, you get halfway down and you drop your can of Fanta. Well, see, this is what I mean. That can of Fanta gains momentum and, like, actually kills someone when it hits the earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you guys have casted for things before, though?

I've only ever done one audition because it's a nightmare, an audition. Right. And you just can't, you know, I just am terrible in auditions. Yeah. And the only one I ever did was for MDA, you know that show? Oh, yeah, yeah. Lawyers and doctors. I always thought it should have been called Diagnosis Guilty.

I thought you were going to say MDMA, like you were literally advertising ecstasy on the air. No, I've gone for MDA and I didn't know what it was. And I get there and the woman goes, okay, now you're playing a pedophile. And I've gone, right, should I do... And then your brain's going, what is pedophile acting? Should I... And she's going, no, just do it

as yourself. And then it just turns... Because it's a nice young man who no one would suspect and it was a disaster. And then I watched the episode. You know who got it? Alan Bro. Oh, wow. So they obviously had an idea of what And it was a disaster. And then I watched the episode. You know who got it? Alan Brough. Oh, wow. So they obviously had an idea of what a pedophile was.

It was a thin, nerdish New Zealander with glasses on. That's specifically the New Zealand bit of that is. Yeah. Yeah, that's the full-on bit. That's the only – and then that audition was – It's like Lord of the Rings and pedophilia. That's what they think of New Zealand. Together at last. But it was so bad because it was for the ABC drama

department, my audition was so bad that I've never got another audition at the ABC for anything. Oh, wow. It was like the smell just ten years later. Oh, no. Remember? We talked about that the other week when Xavier Michaelides pitched a sketch

for a sketch show and it was so bad that they hung on to it to show to potential sketch writers, don't do this. Of what not to do. Yeah. But, Bob, you get lots of proper acting. That's because, Bob, I know there was a phase there where you were drug dealer on Stingers.

Yeah. Dodgy bar owner on Rush. I quit doing auditions about three or four years ago. But surely by now people know what they're getting. Yeah. Well, bar owner on Rush. I quit doing auditions, though, about three or four years ago. But surely by now people know what they're getting. Yeah. Well, hiring Bob Franklin. Yeah, it's a whole process. I mean, it's like they go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable

in those things. Yeah. I just say, I'm not fucking doing this anymore. It's just absurd. Yeah. Casting agents have the least kind of social, like all of that politeness and stuff. It's just absurd. Yeah. Casting agents have the least kind of social, like all of that politeness and stuff.

They're the, you know, profession that has the least of that. Like, you know, like with the unattractive thing. Yeah. Like imagine anyone else in any field like sending that to someone or saying that to someone. Like they just, they don't care. They're just like, all right, let's get the fat guys in here now. Yeah. Now let's see the ugly women.

Yeah, yeah. Just let it all go. Yeah, yeah. Like it must be, I's get the fat guys in here now. Now let's see the ugly women. Like they just let it all go. Like it must be – I think you'd enjoy being cast in the game. I'm sort of going, what kind of mind? And then I'm sitting directly opposite the kind of mind that would love that. Yeah, exactly. There's a little bit of me that did enjoy getting that sent to me because I just thought, yeah, you got me.

Well done. Well played. But there was – years ago, The Stingers, what I mentioned, that was a show where every comedian in Melbourne was, you know. Peter Phelps was the lead? Peter Phelps was the lead. But there was just like one week it would be Matt Quartermain would be a dodgy drug dealer.

Then, you know, Dave O'Neill was like a crime boss. And I met. Fleety was shooting shooting up he wasn't in it but i remember years later i worked with uh librarians in fact andy uh who was producer on third series of librarians he was casting for stingers i mean what was with the comedians and he said we had been through Showcast twice. Like literally every actor in Melbourne had been on Showcast twice. And they went, we just can't have Steve Bastoni yet again. So they got the comedy festival program. And apparently they would go, right, we've got dodgy drug dealer. Tim Harris, he'd be good.

And then well type. Oh, here we go. Dodgy Spanish waiter. Tim Harris he'd be good and then well type oh here we go I used to watch Blue Heelers growing up and even at a young age I remember being aware that they were going through like actors were getting a second shot

and it's like who is this mysterious guy it's like that's the drug dealer from like a month ago just like you know surely you remember him

you know the day that I was on Stingers, they decided for some bizarre reason that they wouldn't use false money anymore. Oh, right. What I used to do when there was a deal going down was they'd have one real note on top of the wedge and one underneath, and the rest would be just paper. And bizarrely, they decided, no, we're not doing that anymore.

We're going to be totally authentic. So they had a wedge of $50 notes and it's just gone missing. And I was the main suspect. Who looks dodgy around here? Drug dealer over there. The guy that we cast as the dodgy guy,? Drug dealer over there.

The guy that we cast as the dodgy guy, yeah. Oh, wow. And it didn't turn up? No, it turns out that Phelps, he put it on a board because it was being filmed in your desolate warehouse somewhere. And the board had done some sort of Scooby-Doo type thing where it had gone down and come back up minus the money and they found it upstairs in this little cavity in the wall

where felps you put it down on this this seesaw type board wow i don't know what felps he was just you know putting it somewhere coming back for it later but it all got a bit hot for him the thing where there's like a crime on the set of a cop show and then the actors' instincts are kind of kicking in and they're like, no, no, we can solve this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what we've been preparing, pretending for this whole time. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.

But you've cast stuff before, Tony. Bob, you would have been the same. But the idea of making people audition is just so, I feel so sick doing that. If I'm writing something, I try and, because it helps when you're writing something to imagine, like if you're writing it with Bob Franklin in mind, you're immediately going, well, Bob wouldn't say that word.

Yeah. But Larry the Lodger. Larry the Lodger might come out with that. But with, I just worked on Upper Middle Bogan and that was. I wish I'd played the character in Bad Eggs as Larry the Lger might come out with that But with I just worked on Upper Middle Bogan I wish I'd played the character in Bad Eggs As Larry the lodger Hey you've got to be coming up to Some kind of anniversary of it

Do a George Lucas and recut it Digitally reinsert Bob Brooklyn Doing his bit as Larry the lodger But no but on Upper Middle Bogan You get tapes of people And you're just going That person might have had a bad day. They don't.

You've got to act in the audition with just someone who's reading really blandly off a script. It's like the audition itself is the worst possible circumstance in which to see an actor. And I always remember reading the best book about directing ever is Elia Kazan's books that he did. And he never auditioned anyone. He would meet an actor and go for a walk with them.

Oh, yeah. Just go for a walk and talk to them, ask them about their family, ask them about what they think. And he said by the end of a half-hour walk, he knew exactly what he could get out of that person. Well, that skydiving thing, they wanted me to film myself on my phone and send it in, but I had to do it as if I was skydiving.

So I would have had to do the lines, like film me into my phone going, gee, if only there was a way I could deposit some money into your account, but I'm in the middle of something right now. Did they want me to get a hairdryer and be simulating the wind rushing past my face? Of course, the ad would have been a lot funnier hadn't it?

Yeah green screened really badly I'm obviously just standing up and they've like tilted the image. Yeah yeah yeah Everyone I know who's ever been in an ad says that you do the scene and the director gives you something and then you always see there's this row of seats and they're the

client, the people from the agency, and they always come over and say something in the director's ear and then the director comes over and goes, could you do one a bit bigger? And it's like they're spending so much money on this 30 seconds that really if we can get the acting really big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So ads tend to have this kind of way bit too big kind of acting. I remember years ago Wayne Hope did some ads for some kind of soup

and they were really funny. And I remember saying to him, how did it end up funny? And he said, they just let me do what I want, improvise it, and they didn't change it very much. Wow. The soup industry, very laid back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do what you want, guys. This product's selling itself. We barely even need ads. Yeah, that's right. Who's watching TV going, yeah yeah soup would be good tonight yeah soup's like a soup's like a last resort i reckon yeah lucky i put money into my account after i watched that skydiving ad now i can go and buy some soup um hey talking about the comedy festival um i i what i always hear about you bob i've never spoken to you about this, is early on –

Great way to start a question. Bob just tensed up immediately. Early on. I do sell a lot of drugs during the festival, yes. Where did that money go? No. I used to hear all those stories about you guys, like you and Jamal starting out like in Melbourne.

I think you'd started out previously in the UK, but like they're being really rough gigs. I used to hear lots of stories. And when I met you and even when I met Jamal, I was always a bit like, oh, geez, these guys are tough guys. It sounds like the image that got into my head is that every time you went to do a gig, you'd do some jokes and you'd punch some people. They were all very violent gigs.

Is that just being conjured up the very first gig that i got paid for was in the in greenwich in london and it was um a place called the tunnel club and it was emceed by a guy called malcolm hardy oh yeah yeah probably no malcolm he was a he was a very um famous figure he um unfortunately died. He was living on a houseboat and he died. He was also famous for having the largest testicles in England. Yes. That's true. Yes, he had that all sewn up, that corner of the market.

But Malcolm would often... This club was a cavernous club and it was often full of Millwall supporters. And Malcolm would often bring people on by having the whole audience chanting, fuck off. Right. And then he'd bring you on.

Right. And, yeah, I mean, there'd be all sorts of people. There'd be chairs thrown at acts, and this was my first ever paid gig. And I did about seven minutes to complete silence. And came off. They just threw the chairs silently. Yeah, in slow motion.

I came off the mat and said, died of death. Never mind. What are you drinking? That was my introduction to comedy in London. Yeah, right. But in Melbourne, you were, I always associate you with the Star and Garda. Yes. There in South Melbourne, you and Jermone and Glenn Robbins,

Marty Sheargold. Yeah, the Star and Garda wasn't a rough game. That wasn't a cheer-throwing country, was it? No, no, that was a lovely little room. But I suppose there was a few places. I got told that you got severely beaten up after your first gig. No, that was prior to one of my first open spots in London again. A mate of mine had been giving some lip to this bunch of guys

called the Southgate Posse. I think you know where this is going. And they followed us on the bus, and when we got off, there was about 18 of them and uh they piled into my mate and i jumped in to help him out and just got the shit kicked out of me and i had my it was actually i think it was my third open mic spot the very next night uh and i thought well i can't go on and talk about the fact that i I mean, I had two, like, you know, panda-like black eyes. So I just wore all the stuff that I'd worn on the night,

which was covered in blood, and I've still got the scar on the nose there, and that was all scabbed up at the time, and the eyes were black and purple and yellow, and so I just went on and the first five minutes I did was just about the incident the night before and

as is the way with people I mean they started laughing before I said anything it was a sad indictment of human race really just enjoyed the misery. And that was it. It went very well as a result.

So did you have to keep blacking up the... I did actually do for a while. You look at the comedy festival guy, where's the really beaten up dude? Yeah, for a while there, I did, once it had faded away,

I did get some make-up and black up the eyes a bit. It's like that sad thing where, you know, when people still do jokes about Bill Clinton, they can't get rid of that topical stuff from 20 years ago. You're still relating to, you know, these black eyes that you don't have anymore. Who would you rather spend time with, the Southside Posse or the management of Triple M?

But we did do the Port Melbourne Festival very early on and there was a big fight after that. They were just like young kids, but of course you forget that kids now when they're 12 or 14, they're hulking brutes Yeah And You know you're trying to

You know you're trying to reason with them Because it's It's a festival And you know you're trying to keep it light And It's like come on boys It's just a laugh And then

It's all exploding The police have come And That was Was that 1990? Comedy's so boring now No one gets into any punch-ups post-gig Yeah, I haven't heard of anyone fighting anyone the whole time I've been in comedy

Bloody social media, mate Yeah, I blame Twitter Well, it was a very young industry back then The whole concept was fairly new And people, they hadn't worked out that you're not allowed to punch people yet is that what you're saying well I mean you know

if you're doing like an open air gig in Port Melbourne and you know just pointing you know

if people are saying things and you're having a go at them up on stage there wasn't that knowledge of that right that it's all fun and games that's part of the game

it was yeah we're going to get this guy afterwards. Yeah, yeah. I didn't like what he said about Yoda up there. And I read this about you recently, because I've played indoor soccer with you, speaking of violence,

but you, because you're very handy and you play every week i'm not sure if you play multiple times a week but you you still play at least once a week this might be the first engagement i've ever had with you bob where you haven't turned up with a bag full of your soccer kit straight from a game right yes well i would um i mean i certainly turned down a lot of gigs on the basis of having to play. Yeah. And, you know, would come back, get like half past four in the morning flights back from Port Macquarie or whatever when I was on the Festival Roadshow to play on the Sunday. Oh, right, yeah.

Awesome. But I didn't know this. Are you teaching at the Archie Thompson School of Soccer? Well, I'm one of the assistant coaches, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Is that an ongoing thing? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Because I'm, you know, like I said, I've played with you before and I've always been absolutely fanatical with soccer all my life. So I'm like, I didn't know you'd taken a pro. Oh, it's, you know, they bung you a few bucks for it but it's it's not uh you know it's not like a not like a big thing i mean it only happens that you know they'll have like a day here and then a three-day camp there and you know it could be a lot of time in between them do you have they're trying to build it up and so i suppose

it could it could grow. Do you have that thing, because you're playing social soccer and because you're in that sort of environment, like Dave Thornton, friend of the show, does a lot of playing recreational basketball, playing Wednesday nights and whatever, and he starts getting hecklers or whatever on the court when they're talking trash. It's like, yeah, you and Fifi Box, go fuck yourselves.

What's the secret sound? It's me punching you in the face, you fuckhead. Yeah, it's a bit of that goes on. Oh, right, so you get recognised and you're... Yeah, I mean, if I'm stepping up to take a penalty, I'll get a bit of, he won't score, he's a comedian. Yeah, yeah, right. Jamal would have slotted that, not you, though.

I think you probably give a bit of coaching to a young Cal Chandler because you play in an indoor soccer league that's a team made up of local Melbourne comedians. Yes. I asked Bob just the other day. He actually plays on the day that we play already. So we have a local team of all comedians that we put together

about a year, maybe a year and a half ago and our name is Greg Larson's Rat World. Greg Larson's a local comedian, he's been on the show, friend of the show, and the idea was... And he doesn't play in the team. He doesn't play in the team. The vague idea would be, the funny comical idea of it would be that Greg was going to

turn up in a bad polyester suit every week with a clipboard and yell out comical things to us and it'd all be a bit of fun, and that was the actual idea until we started playing and everyone realised that I'm an actual nutcase and I'm doing all the screaming, which would be embarrassing to have Greg on the side of the field because he would be half of what I do. Like, he's sort of going, oh, come on, chaps. I'm literally on the field going, you fucking idiots. And that's just to my teammates.

And your numbers have dwindled because you have a lot of people who've played in your team once and once only. Yeah. They've seen the real you. Yeah. This was meant to be fun on a Sunday afternoon. i never want to have anything to do with this again ronnie chang lasted one game uh who's good who's actually can play um i can play right out of all the people i know that uh it's remarkable you know what that would be great if you were that violent on the field but you were shit like you yourself are no good and you're just like real aggressive i i don't know if you agree with this bob but it tends to be nearly if you were that violent on the field but you were shit. Like you yourself are no good and you're just like real aggressive.

I don't know if you agree with this, Bob, but it tends to be nearly, if you're sort of good at comedy, you're sort of good at soccer, like the people that are playing. I can't think of any two extremes like that someone's really good at one and not that good at the other. Well, it can be quite surprising looking at people in the comedy world. There's people who you wouldn't necessarily pick as being football players. But Danny Kitson is a very good player.

I heard this. I heard he's very competitive as well. David O'Doherty, very, very competitive. Yeah, David's competitive. But Danny's got a very nice touch on the ball. He's very skillful got a very nice touch on the ball he's very skillful Phil Kay I don't think Phil

do you know Phil? yeah Phil was T Martin how's he go? well I because I'm terrible at most sports but when I was a kid

I was actually really good at and this never fails to get a laugh it's a true fact badminton oh yeah badminton and you know what badminton is it's basically tennis for people with weak girls wrists it's very light the shuttle cock so i was

really quite good at badminton but it was just so tediously boring that i stopped doing it and then i got obsessed with prank calling the badman center because there was a woman who was who who there was obviously something they told them to do whenever she answered the phone. She'd go, bad men, admin. Wow. No, it was just constantly. My friend at high school was a captain of lawn bowls at his school and he would, like, tell that to girls at parties to impress them

and we'd go, man, don't bring that out. And he's like, what, you're the captain of a sport. That's a bragging right. It's like, not if it's lawn bowls. I think lawn bowls is the one thing that's immune to that it's good that you brought up the prank calls like because you know reading your books that you've put out and you see a sense of that the old school make your own fun entertainment whatever like i we used to have this thing of uh we figured out how to record prank calls at one stage when i was probably about 16 or 17 and what we turned into a thing of going, you know, you'd make the prank calls,

very funny, whatever. Let's make a game of it though. So our game would be say it would be your turn to make the prank phone call. We'd be sitting here. We'd go through the phone book and find the most ridiculous business or name and then not tell you it, just go 9868-6898. And then you'd ring up and have to find out and it'd be a game of you ringing up going, hello, yeah, I've

just got to check what the name of this who have I called again? I can't remember. Have I got the right number? Who do you think you've called? Oh, no, you tell me. Okay. Bumhole plumbing? And then you just hear six people, six guys go, ah, yes! Yes!

We had, we were very lucky. My school in New Zealand, Thames, New Zealand, we had identical twins, the Whitworth twins. Right. And they would do – they had some very low-level pranking. They would just more just fuck with people in shops. Like one of them would go in and say, can I try these trousers on and go into the thing?

And then the other one would come in and they would go, didn't he already go in there? But we would spin out and say, can I try these trousers on and go into the thing? And then the other one would come in and they would go, didn't he already go in there? But we would spin out and they hated doing this, but we would go, hang on, here's one, the Ferris wheel at the show. So I remember we did one thing where we got one of them to go on the Ferris wheel and then the other one to have all these clothes torn. And so while it was going around, he went up to the guy and claimed that he'd fallen off and the guy had seen him go on. So you guys are writing for these twins.

We were writing for them. They're unwilling participants in this. Yeah, that's great. They didn't like it doing it themselves, but we were just endlessly coming up with prank material for identical twins. That's great. You were living like a page in Wizard and Chips. I love Wizard and Chips. Bob love Whizzer and Chips.

Bob would have got Whizzer and Chips when you were a kid, surely. Yes, for sure. Those old school, so people that don't know at home, it was sort of like a culture. It was a comic within, it was two comics in one. But they used to be, it was IPC printing, I think. Yeah, Fleetway. Fleetway, right.

Fleetway Comics. In England, so they made all these, not your flashy comic books like now. They were like on butcher's paper. No glossy cover. It was Wizard and Chips. There was Buster. There was Whoopi.

Well, there was – Bob probably would know the – there was another company that did Bino. Bino. Yeah. And Dandy. Dandy. That was like the Marvel. Yeah. And then the DC was Fleetway that did Wizard and Chips.

Core. Yeah. Whoopee. And then Action comic. Action, which were the serious. I had the first edition. Because the great thing about these comics is the first three issues always came with an amazing free gift.

Yes. Like I think Crazy with a K. First issue came with a squirt ring. Yeah. So, I think, Crazy with a K. First issue came with a squirt ring. Yeah. So it's a ring. Second issue, plate wobbler. It was like a bulb you put under the tablecloth and then you had another bulb.

So someone put their plate of soup on top of it. It's gone everywhere. Cop that. But you would remember these, Bob. Oh, it doesn't get any crazier than that crazy with a cat you have a whole chapter in your book Tony where you talk

about Whizzer and Chips yeah well I was obsessed with Whizzer and Chips because what it was was there was Whizzer and then Chips was inside Whizzer

so it was two comics in one but in order to separate them you'd have to undo the staples but then whoever had Chips

now had unstapled pages. And because I had a part-time job in the office at the school, I had access to the giant stapler which could staple a comic. So like I was the guy, like people would call me, I've got chips and I've got two copies of Shake that are from the inside of Shiver and Shake. Can you do them by lunchtime? So at lunchtime I would staple, I would repair people's comics.

So Shiver and Shake looked at the Wizard and Chips and looked at that model and went, yeah, this is the future. But then what would happen with these comics is once they got unpopular, they would be, the phrase was, incorporated into another comic. So Shiver and Shake was incorporated into Whoopee. I thought you were going to say Shiver and Shake was inside chips, which is inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a turducken of comics. I used to hate when I was growing up and there'd be comics or like activity books or whatever where they'd have a page where you had to cut stuff out. Like those little paper dolls that you could make. But then on the other side of the page, it's just the first page of a comic book. Well, that's when you buy two copies.

That's when you buy two copies. But that's like Mad Magazine for me. Everyone's always like, oh, what was the folding this month? I'm like, I'm not folding it. I'm collecting Mad Magazine. Yeah, like that would actually be rare. It'd be rare to find copies of Mad Magazine now. Like they encourage people to defile your copy of Mad Magazine.

You can't get a pristine copy of any Mad Magazine, can you? I would have that when I was a kid. That's where Carl starts shouting and swearing again. I would always find that when I'd go to a garage sale and he'd find a stack of Mads and they'd all be, none of them would have the folding done. Oh, no. And I would do it instantly and just go,

I feel really this kid or whoever kept it in pristine condition just for me to come along one day and go, yeah, just immediately. Yeah. Well, my stepdad was such a big fan of Neil Diamond's Hot August Night album that he had two copies. Great folding on that cover, yeah. He could do it. Two-minute just hot night.

But if you've got the gatefold But he had the copy for playing And then the copy that just was on the shelf That no one was allowed to touch Oh, nice And I found that quite inspiring Yeah That you would be such a fan of an album

That you would have two copies Yeah, because And then the idea that You're saving it for on-sell value Yes One day So it has to at least double for you to get your investment back of getting you one that you're playing as well.

But in those days, we mentioned Gatefold. Remember, an album would come out and they would have a Gatefold cover, but then you buy it a couple of years later, they've got rid of the Gatefold. And frankly, the cardboard's thinner and not as good. This is like the olden days. Well, another thing that you mention in your book, I can't remember which, I think it might be Nest of Occasionals, that I tweeted you about after I read it because it's something

that I'd forgotten about that I just couldn't believe anyone else remembered. You talk about your local video store having spaces in the car park. Oh, yeah, Video Easy. Yeah, where they had actors' names written on the car park. That's right. Video Easy would be Bruce Willis On the car space Or Demi Moore And they were all mid-90s

So like, by the mid-naughties You're going, surely there needs to be a board meeting At Video Easy I think we can lose Steven Seagal now We need to bring Ashton Kutcher in Just in case Jean-Claude Van Damme Wanted to sneak down for a weekly copy of Batteries I think we can lose Steven Seagal now. We need to bring Ashton Kutcher in. Just in case Jean-Claude Van Damme wanted to sneak down for a weekly copy of Batteries Not Included. I always remember the funniest thing I saw was I was standing in the car park

and a car came in and parked in Nicole Kidman. And then from inside the car I heard a whole lot of kids going, yeah, yeah, yeah, screaming. And then they went out and reparked in Arnold Schwarzenegger. I had a pathetic joke that no one ever laughed at, which was I would park right down the back. I'd park down the very bottom of the car park and then I'd run to the front door and pass people coming out and go,

sorry, I'm down in Emilio Estevez. No one ever laughed. See, that's a charm that's gone out the window with the demise of video stores. You know, I want to log into my iTunes account every now and then. There's just some random actor's name. It's like, good morning, Seth Rogen. And I go, hey, here I am. I'm pretending that I'm in for this little session.

Well, Ed Cavill, who I work with, he worked at a video shop for seven years. And he'll constantly remind you of things you've forgotten from the video shop like the boat, what is it, the boat safety video that was free? Remember how there were certain videos? I remember first aid videos and stuff that were free. Or the head cleaning tape. You could rent the head cleaning tape.

Oh, we need to rent a tape because it was, for anyone too young to remember this, they're VHS tapes. If you got're VHS tapes. If you got a VHS tape that had some dust on it, you'd put it in your machine and it would fuck your machine. So then any other video that you put in, you'd just have this cloud on the screen.

So then you'd have to get this tape that you poured this liquid into. You had to chuck that in there for a few minutes just to clean out your system. So it was like an STD of the video world. You'd get a dodgy VHS from the yeah some some other just incompetent or irresponsible person is allowed to just just get dusted up to the shit or your machines ruined and people wouldn't rewind the tapes and it was always too fun to see where it was so you know basic instinct would always be on that scene is that a true thing because people always talk about that scene. Is that a true thing? Because people always talk about that scene in Basic Instinct. How the tracking was all wonky because people had played it.

Yeah, yeah. Is that a true thing? Yes. I've rented plenty of movies that happened. Yeah, for sure. Like you hire out Hard Times at Ridgemont High. You never got to see Phoebe. Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Fast Times. Hard Times was another film. Hard Times at Shea Chandler watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Fast Times. Hard Times was another film. Hard Times at Shea Chandler watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Yeah, well, you couldn't see Phoebe Cates very well by the end of that movie. She came into that pool and was just a blur. Yeah. Well, speaking of books, Bob, because you've just brought out a book. And it's great.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Moving Tigers, I think it's called. Moving Tigers, yeah. I think I also have forgotten. You left it in the car. Moving Tigers, yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Moving Tigers, I think it's called. Moving Tigers, yeah. Something else I've forgotten. You left it in the car. Moving Tigers, yes. Yes.

And it's a collection of horror short stories? No, it's a full story. Yeah, this is a novel with a bonus short story. I've never seen this before in a book where it's like there's a bonus track. Yeah, yeah, right. At the end of the book there's a whole extra story. Or it's like a reverse Pixar where they have a little short at the start of the movie to kick things off.

If it was really like a bonus track, it would be like a record where you've got 140 pages of novels and then 20 pages of blank pages and then another five pages. That's what we had to do to make it look like it was a good value buy. You could do that in the comedy festival. Instead of a support act, you've got a cool down act. So you do like your 45 minutes and then someone

kind of comes out after you to just kind of help the audience transition back into real life. Someone a bit worse than you. No, but it's like when you go to a big show, like a concert and you see your favourite band and it's like bang, bang, bang and then they deliberately put the worst music they can think of on straight afterwards because it's like, well, this will fucking get them out.

You've just seen Metallica. You're not going to put up with indecent obsession for more than ten minutes. Like in Country Towns how they started playing classic music at the train stations to clear away the thugs. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Didn't work in Clockwork Orange. Exactly. Didn't work in Clockwork Orange.

Now, what I enjoy, having not read it yet, it's just come out, but with Moving Tigers, I'm enjoying that it's come out through, I should give them their dues, a firm press, and it costs retail $19.99. So can we expect to go in the bookshops and find the copper coins coming out and getting a little bit of change? Or how does that work these days? Give it five weeks and it'll be in the bargain. Ten bucks. Do you get kept abreast of sales and all that sort of stuff?

Do the good people at Affirm keep you up to date with how it's charting and everything? No, I've literally not heard a word about it since we launched it back in early Feb. Oh, God. You have to go in there and do a bunch of signings for the readings signed by the author copy that they have out there? No, we launched it with a little comedy night just to do something different, really. But I have done those things. For the previous book that I put out, there was a signing outside Dimmock's in Southland,

which was a very sad affair. I've seen some sad affairs out in those suburban places as well. Some big names, and you're out at Chadston, it's like no one's out here to get a vandalised book, really. Well, someone told me that, here's a tip for budding authors, Bryce Courtney, what he used to do was he would sign every single copy in the shop because once they're signed they can't send them back. Oh, yes.

To get a refund. So then when my book Lolly Scramble came out... And Bryce Gordy was struggling at the time. So it's a nice little... Every little bit helped. But I remember going to Readings in Malvern and they said, oh, your book's here.

Can you sign something? They brought over five and I signed them and then I noticed they had about 20 more and I said, oh, I can do those as well. And they've gone, no, no, this will be fine.

Yeah, right. The Bryce rule. They'd be sending those ones back. The Bryce rule. I've got to be honest, I don't get it. I don't get people wanting a book that they've bought signed by the person without, because to me the thrill of getting something signed

is having met the person and having the story. Tony, you came on Studio A when we worked on that and we had a sketch where Nick Cody was in blackface where all of the context was lost and we're all freaking out going, we're all so excited to have Tony Martin on the show and this is like the first thing of our work that he's seen. This is appalling. I love going on Studio A.

What I remember about going on that show was that someone didn't turn up, the mayor of Melbourne. Oh, yeah. Am I right? That's right, Robert Doyle. And I had to do, like you guys were panicking because he hadn't turn up, the mayor of Melbourne. Oh, yeah. Am I right? That's right, Robert Doyle. And I had to do, like you guys were panicking because he hadn't shown up and they said, can you do his bits? Oh, yes.

We had some sketch that was relying on all parking rules in inner city Melbourne or something. There was a sketch that was only funny if it was the mayor. Yeah. But I've got my book, my copy of Lolly Scramble signed by you that night and so I was rereading it again recently and it's like that's a nice thing that, you know, I remember that now. It's just having, just buying a book already with the person's name

is like a weird thing to want. It is bizarre. Yeah, I don't write that at all. Yeah, it's very strange. Anyway. For listeners, you had a look on your face like there was another thought coming and then I didn't realise there's no other thought. Yeah, no, there was and then I rated it and it came in about as four,

so I thought, no, I'll just withdraw that thought. Well, we should mention the plot of Bob's book because I read it and it's clear that whoever wrote this book clearly did what happens in this book. Do you want to explain that, Bob? Yeah. I mean, I used as the blueprint one of these volunteer placements that I did with my partner, Ros Hammond. And Ros organised this back in 2009 where we went over to Nepal

to teach English in this remote little village. And how does that work? Is that like the ads that you see, you know, go to Japan and teach people English? Is it the same sort of thing? Well, there's a number of companies that employ people and send them wherever there's a need for people. And it's not necessarily teaching.

There's things like going over and keeping a record of animals in the Amazon and that kind of thing. But we did this one which was teaching English for a couple of weeks in Nepal and it was, I mean it was, we found out later that a particular one that we were doing was notorious for people just not finishing it. It was, we were the only people who, me and Ros I think were the only people who actually did the full two weeks. What was wrong with the course? Why wouldn't they finish the course?

You're too busy sliding soccer lessons in there. I did take a soccer ball and it was one of the only things that you could actually do was play sport with them and get them to draw things and stuff because i mean we had a week of of learning basic nepali we had lessons as part of the cultural orientation week beforehand um but i mean you'd start off we were we were teaching a bunch of probably about 40 Muslim refugees ranging from sort of four to 14, 15, who were being housed mostly at the local mosque.

And we were supposed to be teaching them English. By using the Herald Sun. We were supposed to be teaching them English. By using the Herald Sun. What is the Nepali for fuck off we're for? Sorry. Well, I mean, they wouldn't have known what we were saying anyway. They hadn't been taught English yet.

No. They didn't speak English. Obviously, we didn't speak Arabic. And neither of us, neither party spoke Nepali. So there was absolutely no way to communicate. Yeah. And they had nothing to write anything down with. They just, like, we'd do the lessons, there was a blackboard cemented into a wall,

and they would just sit cross-legged on this porch area, and they had no pens or pencils or anything. Things that should have been worked out before you got over there. Well, yeah, I mean, there was a lot of us questioning what the fuck use is any of these. And then you do two lessons in the government school, which was, they were slightly more advanced with knowing a bit of English,

but it was basically, you were just constantly fighting in the sense that the whole thing was completely futile and then they had this thing, this after school thing for the elite of the area for extra schooling and

they just had a couple of old PCs where they just didn't work right from the get, the mouse was broken and you couldn't do anything with them. Just one copy of Where in the World Has Come and Sandy A. Go on, that's it. Well, that would have been something.

At what point do you go, eh, it could be a good creepy book in this? Well, I'd already started thinking about doing a creepy book in this well i i'd already started thinking about about doing a creepy book based on the um on something that happened earlier where one of the um uh one of the guys selling flutes over there was continually running up to us and trying to get trying to get us to buy a flute. And so I formed this story idea based on that that then just started taking in other elements the longer it went on and eventually turned into Moving Tigers.

The whole book, it feels like you didn't even need to... I was enjoying it before it even got disturbing. I'm going wow this is like you know someone's really done their homework here. Well I did try to keep it I mean it is a horror story but I try to keep the tones darkly humorous. It's very gradual.

It goes bizarre gradually. Yeah and I tried I wanted to make it humorous I wanted to make the narrator's voice as humorous as possible. You need to go back over there and finish off those English lessons so that those kids can read that book based on going over there the first time. Now the stakes are a lot higher. I mean, some sweet coin in the Affirm Press bank account.

Or at least they can – when they do learn English, they can write down their lessons on the back of your book at least. They'll have something to write on. Well, yeah, I mean, you do wonder what's become of all of them. So what happened in the end? Did you get a sort of conclusion out of like how that company had worked? Did you finish the whole class and then you just took off after two weeks? Well, the way it works is you have a week of cultural orientation

where you're taking around all the sites of cultural significance and you stay with families while you're doing it and they look after you while you're there and you stay a couple of nights in a farmhouse in the Kathmandu Valley. And it's all incredibly basic. I think it's the second poorest country in the world. So it's all a real eye-opener. And after you've done that, you do a bit of whitewater rafting and then it finishes

with a little four-day trek so they obviously they're trying to combine the the work side of it with with some leisure act it's good they leave that as the last thing to do so at least when you come home you're like oh we went what water rafting it was pretty good And you sort of forget the bit that you got royally Screwed in the first bit Trip to Sizzler that was fun It was never my intention

To sort of bad mouth The companies that do it Just that in I mean for the purposes of the story It was necessary that the Woman who's narrating the story has a bad time so you know I don't I certainly don't want to say that these organizations aren't doing something worthwhile and I'm sure the kids would have got something out of it just just by the fact that you're

there and they're absorbing something yeah well you know the fact that you're there and they're absorbing something. Yeah. Or, you know, at the very least you're taking them out and playing football with them. Yeah, they got the guy from the Archie Thompson Soccer School. I reckon they've all probably written books about their experience too. So, you know, they all got a book deal. Well, they had no pencils.

We're nearly out of time, but I do want to tell this very quickly before we head off. I was in Brisbane last week and I spent a lot of time there getting Ubers around. So it kind of sounds very similar to your experience in Nepal, basically. Do either of you use Uber at all, Tony or Bob? I know, but I've never had occasion to use.

What are we missing out on? I really like it because it's very easy. It's just an app and you just, you know, driver comes to you. It's like a taxi but a lot easier to book. But the thing I noticed about it in Brisbane is because it's a very new industry the drivers are all

very chatty because they're still very excited about being Uber drivers. They haven't had their spirits crushed like a lot of taxi drivers have. They're all still genuinely interested. So I got in and I would get one to the venue every day to do my show and every day you're getting a – it's the new getting a haircut. You're getting a lot of, oh, much on today and what do you do?

What do you do for a job? Oh, you're going out of the powerhouse. What's on down there? And so we've discussed this with getting haircuts. I haven't, you know, thought up a fake job that means that I don't have to say comedy because then you're just in. You're just in for a million follow-up questions. So my driver on the last day I was there, he goes, oh, you know, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I do stand-up comedy.

He goes, oh, yeah, yeah. You know, I myself, I was a mobile DJ in New Zealand for 26 years. So, yeah, I know all about that. I'm like, I don't think you know all about it. There's probably a couple of bits of overlap. 26 years, though. 26 years in New Zealand.

And also, why are you saying, why does anyone say they're a mobile DJ? Like, why don't you say you're a DJ? You know what I mean? DJ sounds kind of cool. Mobile DJ just sounds sad. That's a big leap to be stuck in mobile DJing for 26 years and then jump over to Uber though. It's like my dad getting into Uber.

That's weird. Yeah, he was an older man. So yeah, anyway, then his immediate follow-up question was asking me exactly how much money I earn every night from doing comedy, which is some kind of mumbling my way through a vague answer, and then he cuts me off to go, hey, whatever happened to Kevin Bloody Wilson? Because I'll tell you what,

I haven't heard hide nor hair of him in years now. That's a direct quote, by the way. Very eloquent manner of asking about the whereabouts of Kevin Bloody Wilson. He's a direct quote, by the way. Very eloquent. Very eloquent manner of asking about the whereabouts of Kevin bloody Wilson. He's a mobile DJ in New Zealand. So then I'm just, again, muddling my way through an answer like, I think he was

touring recently, like trying to pretend like I'm up to date on the whereabouts of... You saw him down at the meeting? Yeah. I think he's on Twitter. Is he? Old KBW. KBW. I assume there'd be someone in his camp running a Twitter.

His daughter certainly is. Isn't his daughter? Jenny Talia. Jenny Talia. Jenny Bloody Talia. That's unpleasant. We didn't need that in there. I chopped that bit out.

That was bad enough. We're keeping that that in there. I chopped that bit out. It was bad enough. That's good stuff. When I moved to Australia in the mid about 85. Gave up on your mobile DJing career. I gave that away and moved to Brisbane and I remember the number one album I think it was of the year. I think it was like Thriller by Michael

Jackson was number two and number one was Kev's Back by Kevin Bloody Wilson. And I'd never heard of Kevin Bloody Wilson. I thought, oh, I just want to see the album. The album, I don't know if you remember it, it's just him taking a piss on a wall. That was the number one album of the year. Take note as wall fans, you're about to cop it on this release.

So then anyway, so I'm trying to just again say I don't know, whatever I know about Kevin Bloody Wilson and then we're driving down the street, we drive past a kind of a larger woman pushing a pram. Again, he cuts me off to go, Jesus Christ, would you look at

the arse on that? And this is on Sunday and I go, oh anyway, yeah good. Happy International Women's Day. And he doesn't get I go, oh, anyway, yeah, good. Happy International Women's Day, by the way. And he doesn't get the joke. He's like, yeah, it's good that there's, you know, they're not all like that. And I'm like, all right. You know when someone's like saying awful things but like in a really,

they're still a really like nice person, like very energetic and very well-meaning. So it's kind of hard to be too like. And you're one-on-one. You're in a moving vehicle that's piloted by them. Exactly, yeah. Did you say piloted? Yeah.

Okay. So then he puts the landing gear in and we get to the destination and I get out and I'm like, hey, thanks very much, man. Lovely to meet you. Have a nice night. And he goes, oh, mate, tell you what, 7pm, I'm knocking off. I'm going home, getting a whole roast chicken and throwing it straight on the Weber barbecue.

So bloody bliss for me from here on out. And I just went, I'll never be that happy. My life, my criteria for a good night will never be that self-contained. Yeah, so anyway, good plug there for the Uber company. If you can get this. Yeah, sure. Mark was his name. If you see him pop up on your radar, definitely go for a ride

because you'll get some good yarns out of him. That's right. Maybe if you do see him, chuck him a copy of Born Again Pest Tank, my favourite from the Kevin Bloody Wilson oeuvre. He's back. Before we go, a big thanks to Tony Martin for not commenting on the podcast at my woeful collection of DVDs. As you walked in, I realised

the folly of leaving my predominantly romantic comedy DVDs. Carl, you've got Bride Wars. Technically, I haven't bought any of those. From here, I can see Friends with Benefits. Just a bunch of things that you would have gone above

It would be above the magnificent Ambersons in your view, I would have thought What I love above, like in your girlfriend's collection there You've got Bride Wars, you know, we've got Kardashians, Pretty Woman And then The Untouchables is just snuck in there A French film Not The Untouchables, The Invitables. Yeah, The Untouchables, which I don't know if anyone's seen it, but that's a big – that sticks out like a sore thumb.

Tell you what, here's an exercise. Bob's sitting nearest to the DVDs. Without looking, Bob, just reach in and pull one out at random. Let's see what we get. And then we're going to put it on and do a live commentary on the podcast. Oh, oh. Tower Heist. One of the great comedies of the...

That's unfortunate, isn't it? It wasn't really typical at all. I'll go for another one. Take two. I went to one of the premier screenings of Tower Heist and it was like maybe 30% full. They'd given out a lot of freebies and no one had gone. This is more like it.

Notting Hill. Yeah. And it's signed to Carl. By Kevin, bloody? Oh, wow. Yeah, now that is more indicative of the entire content of that whole cabinet. It's just all – my girlfriend's the sort of person that buys her DVDs at Coles. So that's what you're going to get.

She's the one. She's the one. She's the one buying DVDs from Coles. I've never gotten that. I've never understood it. It's not for you. It's for my girlfriend. Well, I mean, there's a lot of kids' movies

so you think that's a kid pestering their parent to buy them space chimps or whatever. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, when you see like Desperado there, you're like, who's the person who's... Yeah. No, no, my girlfriend can't go down and buy two litres worth of milk without popping in and getting bloody...

There's something about Mary. Well, guys, that is just about all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week. Tony Martin, Bob Franklin, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. So, Bob Franklin, people should keep a lookout for your show in the Council Chambers 2016 at the Comedy Festival.

Yeah, I'll be well home by then. Moving Tigers. 1999. Yeah. I'll just hold off and get it for $10. 1899. Tony, have you got things you would like to... I have an e-book, which is almost a book,

and that's at tonymartinthings.com. Six bucks. Scarcely relevant. Yes, scarcely relevant. That's what it's called. It's been out for so long, I forgot what it was called. It sounded like it was him accusing you of the plug for being on brand enough. No, we don't need to hear about your e-book on this. We've got our live shows

at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival coming up every Sunday. Live podcasts followed by the drunk cast on the final night of the festival at 10pm. And, of course, you can see myself and Tommy in Border Protection Squad sometime in the next decade. What's going to happen first? Being played in the council chambers.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe we have a screening after the... We'll sign a copy for you. That could be like your short story at the end of your book. You can be the short story at the end of Bob's show. My hope is that by the time it comes out, I'm unrecognisable in it. I've gone fully bald by the time the film comes out.

I had my hair really long at the time, I remember. And it's just, yeah. I mean, it was the 60s. That was the fashion at the time, I remember. And it's just, yeah. I mean, it was the 60s. That was the fashion at the time. Some kind of Benjamin Button-like experiment. We've also got our solo shows, 7pm for me, Cutie Pie, and 9.45 for you. For Carl Chandler World's greatest and best comedian, if you're in Melbourne. Great.

It's cool. All that stuff and more, all on our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Bye.