The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 236 - Live! Dave Anthony, Celia Pacquola, Nazeem Hussain, Dilruk Jayasinha & Gareth Reynolds

Episode Date: April 15, 2015

Mr. and Mrs. Alsop, Code Brown and Rad Dad Visits Sri Lanka.Recorded LIVE at The Joint in Melbourne on April 12, 2015.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Punchline DVD. Punchline have been kind enough to support the show, so why not show them how much you care by heading over to punchline.com.au and buying yourself one of their DVDs. They've got stand-up, they've got sketch, they've got TV series, and they've got a bunch of releases from heaps of people that you know from this show. So head on over to punchline.com.au if you're thinking about checking out some comedy DVDs. And also, in terms of live comedy, you have only a few days left to rip into the Comedy Festival and see as much as you possibly can. We've both got our solo shows, Tommy Dasolo, Cutie Pie,

7pm at the Imperial Hotel, and Carl Chandler, World's Greatest and Best Comedian comedian, 9.45 at the Victoria Hotel. Our final live podcast for this comedy festival is this Sunday, April 19th at 3pm at The Joint, followed by The Drunk Cast at about 10.30ish. You will need a ticket from one of our other shows to get in. And, yeah, not much more to say. Can't wait to see you out there this weekend if we haven't seen you already and enjoy the episode.

See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club, live from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Standing next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler! G'day, dickheads! Yeah! Are you motherfuckers ready to sit and watch a podcast?

Are you ready to get something that you'll get for free on Wednesday but pay for it right now? Yeah! Man, there's too many lights on you guys. I can fucking see you. Yeah. What a beautiful audience. Sorry, there was a slight delay by a listener over there that decided to shout us beers and then said, sorry, I'm not coming to your solo show, but I guess I spend too much money on beer.

Shout out to whoever left their fucking used soft serve container on the stage for us to trip over that was good was that you that was me I did buy McFlurry on the way here that's why I'm following it up with a beer this is the thing about you you're off bread but you're having ice cream at 3 in the afternoon it does doesn't balance out but everyone's gonna be, oh, but you're eating healthy. I'm not fucking eating healthy. I'm just not eating bread. How hard is it to fucking get through your head?

It is, yeah. It is funny because there was a photo of us in KFC the other day and it was like, uh-oh, it looks like Chandler's back on the bread. It's like, no, even more depressing. He's in KFC not having a burger. Just having nuggets and wings at four in the morning. Yeah, it's people going, oh, I thought you said you're off your bread. I'm like, I'm eating chips.

I'd love to see what you regard as toast. Shout out to the venue that we're in, the joint. The escalator is still broken and this afternoon they added the extra kind of element of danger in there by mopping the floors

at about 2.30 this afternoon. So I came sprinting up the stairs and nearly went fucking A over T and broke my neck before the gig. So that was good.

And also we've been in trouble for putting extra chairs up here. Sorry for the three punters that are downstairs that we took the chairs away from. But there's 160 people up here drinking beer, you fucking idiots. If people can't sit down while they play Buck Hunter, we'll go bankrupt in here. People downstairs with backpacks, they don't deserve chairs.

I got an Uber here and I was talking to the Uber driver about doing the comedy festival and stuff and he goes, so how long do you do your show for? I'm like, oh, it's like an hour over about a month, so like, you know, three and a half weeks. And he goes, so what kind of capacity crowd are you playing? Like, what kind of crowd are you

paying? What, like 2,000, 3,000 a night? And you're like, no, slightly smaller than this car. Yeah. You're uber comedy. Yeah. Yeah, molecules. Yeah, that's the 3,000.

But isn't that insane that, like, you think that I would be doing 3,000 people a night for a month and you could not have heard of me? You know what I mean? And I'm getting an Uber to a gig. I don't know. It seems weird. Well, we've got your mum and dad have come along tonight. Yeah.

That's good. Your mum and dad. And it'll be pretty easy to pick because they're the only ones that look. Hands up if you think you're sitting next to my mum and dad. Everyone looked at them. They know who it is. That's the only people in this whole venue that look like they've ever had a job. looked at them they know who it is. That's the only people in this whole venue that look like they've ever had a job.

Mum, can I borrow 50 bucks at the end of this by the way before I forget to ask afterwards? I wish that was a joke. So we talked last week quite a bit about, if people heard last week's episode, were they here or heard about... Who's here that has never heard this podcast before? Why? Why are you here? Why are you actually here? Because you were what, sorry? You were told to. Good fucking reason. How are you finding it so far? Not bad. I will wear you down, don't you worry about that.

That knot is going to be coming off the start of that sentence pretty soon. So we talked last week about this man's show, Carl Chandler Presents the Ringling Brothers Circus. Which, finally, because I talked about how fucked the show is, finally some of you people went, oh, we better go then. If it's that fucked, if he's getting his ass handed to him every week, I wouldn't mind seeing a piece of that. Well, so we talked about it a lot last week.

It's like a lot of people yelling out in the show and it's become this kind of freak show where people just heckle the amazing dumb cunt or whatever his advertisers have him. The amazing bearded dumb cunt, but without the beard. So I go and so we both have our shows on Sunday nights after this gig so we do that the show here we talk about that a lot I then go and start my show and I come out at the start and there's a man up the back as I walk out just going and I'm like yeah okay and then I just

start talking just mid-sentence is this your uber driver trying to turn into a 4,000 seater? His show got rated 4.9 stars. So he's just like in the middle of sentences just yelling out, Go Tommy! And then like at the end of a bit he'd go, just for no reason, just go, You're a hero mate! And so

yeah, what? There's a bit in my show where I save a baby from a burning building. But so to start with I'm like, okay well There's a bit in my show where I save a baby from a burning building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so, to start with, I'm like, okay, well, this is a guy who was at the dum-dum thing and he's sitting there hearing about you having that in your show and he's thinking, his little mate's had it too good. I'm going to make this a, you know, I'm going to bring this into the other half of the show. That's what I fear.

I fear people going to my show just think, this is how comedy works from now on. People just rock up to see Hughsey and go, hey, you can't. Yeah, so I'm... Sorry he said that, Mum. So... I'm sorry for when I said it before. Sorry, Mrs A. So I'm...

You know, so that's happening at the start of the show and I'm sort of engaging with him because I think, OK, well, this is a guy from the show, this is quite good-natured. It very quickly becomes apparent, this is not a guy from the show. This is just some drunk, fat idiot. So he... He... Hey, he has not a guy from the show. This is just some drunk, fat idiot. So he

very quickly... He has a name. Dilrub. That new guy is loving that reference. Drunk on chicken nuggets. What is the alcohol ratings on a chicken strip? So he Anyway, so he very quickly gets

Bored of what's, once I realise this I stop Kind of, you know, baiting him He then gets bored, he walks out about 20 minutes in And then later on I found out from the Front of house people, as he'd walked out He was going like this, he goes Yeah, some bits of it were pretty funny, but for the most part It's just some kid talking about

A movie from 15 years ago. I mean, who gives a fuck? And then tried to get a refund and the venue wouldn't give it to him. So dinner that night was on him. Very good. Wow, that's a... Do you think that's an unfair rating of your show? What, a little kid complaining about a movie from...

No, it's totally accurate. Hey, it's not for everyone, but, you know, it is what it is. Anyway, 7pm tonight, the Imperial Hotel. Tickets still available. I've only sold 2,557. A few hundred more in and we might sell out. I might get that red sticker. Yeah.

Well, because of all that last week, when I talked about Tommy Little shouting the entire venue, the fourth-best in C either that I've got. Oh, is that guy inspired by last week's episode of shouting the whole venue? He shouted the whole podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He shouted the whole stage.

So Tommy Little shouted the whole audience. Then the next night, Dave Thornton shouted a bunch of beers. And then on this Friday night, I had Tom Gleeson come in. And I don't know if he even knew about the stories or whatever but like 10 minutes in he just got bored and went right who wants beers and then just everyone went alright and so he was like yep yep yep

right I'm going to get them goes and gets them disrupts the show fucks me right up then comes back in they get dealt out for 5 minutes I'm like great awesome and then 5 minutes later he goes right I'm done my beer who wants. And then five minutes later he goes, right, I'm done with my beer. Who wants shots? Goes and gets shots and so half my show is just the delivery

of liquid. By the way, you talked last week about how it took Tommy Little ages to get those beers. I don't know if anyone has been in the bar at the Victoria Hotel, but when you watch them pour a beer, the tap has the pressure of like a shower in a shitty motel, and there's only ever one person on the bar. I think he should be

commended for how quickly he got 40 beers. He should have been coming back in at midnight with them. Like, fucking hell. So that happened. So they all got beers, they all got shots, and then the next day, so words just getting around Melbourne comedy, the old fucking Chandler booze bus show. And wait, there's

like festival pass holders, right, who are in there for free. There are people getting in there for free and then getting free drinks as well. So they're coming out on top. They're making a profit out of the game. Yeah, there is a line going into my show from people with no money.

I'm surprised you haven't been again. So the next day, I go down to Town Hall and I literally, the first step I take on Town Hall, a guy who I don't know whether he's here tonight or not, comes straight up to me and goes, who's your guest on tonight's show? And before I answer he goes, and whoever it is, is he buying beers? So that's the word getting around about my show. It's like, it's fully licensed. Who gives a fuck what else happens? So, yeah, tonight.

And how's the written material going in the gig? It's... Let's just say the show is well lubricated. It's going okay. I'm getting numbers in. Okay, cool. Should we get a guest up here? Do we...

Is he here? Our first guest that we were going to get on? Or should we talk about who we were going to have on and why they... Yes, let's do a quick thing of that first. First of all, we're going to bring up... Our first guest was going to be Dil Rook, Jaya Singer. But he's got a very important open mic gig to play to three people somewhere that he's prioritised because he's a fucking moron.

So he's coming later once he shakes the hat around at the end of the gig. So that'll be good. Dil, are you here? Fuck. Yeah, no, we've said something funny and we can't hear you, so no. Anyway, let's get a proper guest on. Okay, everyone, please...

I hope this person knows who they're going to be the first on. Guys, you know her from Utopia. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Celia Pacquiao. Celia! Cool, alright, thanks for coming See you later Wow, we really did talk too long These guys were fucking relieved it wasn't just us anymore Can I just say

It's really nice that Tommy asked me to come down this afternoon It's really great to be here But I have to go now and do my job I'm not talking about I'm doing a show at half past four In an hour And I have a minute, so you've got to take off. I'm not talking about I'm doing a show at half past four in an hour and I have a minute, so shoot. Yeah.

Well, use it wisely. What would you like to say? Come on, yes, Anne. What was it like? How do you feel with that sweet intro of we couldn't get Dilruch, so we got you? Fair enough. To be honest, it's probably for the best.

I've been so boring. I have been the most boring I've ever been in an entire festival. It's like almost the end. Genuinely, the most exciting thing that I've done this entire festival was at the shelf on Monday night, I stuck an Easter egg in my belly button. Like, it was wrapped. I'm not a fucking animal, okay?

When you said I stuck an Easter egg in my... I stuck an Easter egg. I was like, wow, this story's going to get pretty... Do you think it was going to be butthole? Yeah, I did. Your mother's in the audience, Tommy. Huh? Your mother's in the audience, Tommy.

Is that what you want to do? I know, and so are all these. What time of Easter's was it like at the Elstom house? I mean, it would be difficult to find there, I understand. That's a good... Where's the Easter bunny? Now, Jesus died for your skins. Now shove this chocolate up your arsehole.

Oh, because they look like rabbit poo. Oh, my God, that's where it's from. Yeah. Okay, it all makes sense now. We're talking about sticking... Obviously, none of you are religious because... We're talking about sticking chocolate up arseholes. I think Dill's ears are burning on the other side of town.

He's going to be over here like the roadrunner. Do you want to know? Can I just say something quickly? Absolutely not. This is revolting. Did you know the whole like the idea of a okay, of a what's the best word for this?

Turd? No, I don't think that is the best word for it to be honest. Let's take a poll. Let's go through all the terms. No, no, no. A turd in a swimming pool, I thought was an urban legend. No, it happens. What do turd in a swimming pool I thought was an urban legend. No. It happens.

What do you think? No one's ever... I thought it had never happened. I thought it was a joke. I thought it was always a polywaffle. I thought it was always a joke. And it's not. It's called a code brown and some pools had a special net for it. I know.

Happy Easter. A special shit net. A special shit net, yeah. It's like drag net, but I'm so old. And so how was this confirmed for you? Also, can you just relax and sit down for five minutes? Oh! Hey, Tom Gleeson paid a lot of money for that beer, all right?

Sorry, sorry. Oh, no, now that great rad dad script is waterlogged. Now we have an excuse finally. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, the beer's turning. Hell of a joke. Shit. How long actually do you have?

What's the countdown? How long do you have? Five minutes, seven minutes. Fuck, really? Whenever you have to go, you just pull the ripcord and you can get out of here. An invitation that I bet every guest wishes they had. I'm hoping, is Dil not here yet? Oh, he hasn't laughed yet.

Okay. But I'd prefer, hopefully he doesn't know I'd have to go. I want him to get here, and then when he says something, I'm going to act really offended and storm out. Great, great. Okay. So hopefully he'll get here within the next whatever minute. Can you just get Dilrock to do your solo show tonight?

That'd be so funny. Let me know how it all turns out with you at the buffet, Dilrock. For the new listeners, he's very fat. This guy, I can't wait to see this guy's face when he finally sees this guy we've been talking about for 20 minutes now. He couldn't look. He's here. What? Oh, he's here.

Okay, good. So, wait, he heard that whole whole setup of nothing? Wait no nothing? What? He's just arrived. Oh right. Hey we can't see you just confirm can you laugh for us? Alright well ladies and gentlemen speaking of the Code Brown! Code Brown! Code Brown! Hello. Hello everyone, Carl, Tom, Celia, you're a massive cunt. Fuck off. Oh, I like this.

See, I don't... Fawkes here. Fawks here. Forks there. I missed it. Gilruth Johnson. Yeah! Forks there, Gilruth. Hang on. I have won the festival. Gilruth Johnson.

He drives his legs everywhere. Gilruth. Oh, wow. Thank you. What was his name? Pedestrian. Harry Pedestrian. That's awesome.

For the love of God, turn it off, Neil. Comedy's all about timing, wow. Thank you. What was his name? Pedestrian. Harry Pedestrian. That's awesome. For the love of God, turn it off. Comedy's all about timing, Newman. Well done. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I called you a cunt to try and offend you so you can leave. I know, but I didn't know because you always call me a cunt when you say that. It's true. Look at Dilrock.

He's really worked up a sweat stepping up that one step. Fuck you. Fucking hell. I had to run. What's happened? I had to run from Burke Street over here Burke and Russell on the expert you had to what I do right now what did you really do oh yeah did you say I caught caught the tram you got Tommy's uber

cyberbullying in real life yeah yeah's happened? Yeah, it's called bullying. Yeah, yeah, bullying. Get rid of the cyber. Oh, bullying. Yeah. No, you know what we call it now? Great content. Thanks for coming, guys. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

New t-shirts are available. Can I say, it's been interesting. Like, you know, to be honest here, it's been really nice. A lot of Dumb Dumb fans have been coming to the show, my solo show, and it's been awesome. It's really cool. But I always get tweets afterwards, and they're almost always in the theme of, when I saw Dilrub's show, not as fat as I thought he was going to be.

And then sometimes followed up with, but he's still a disgusting fat fuck. So thank you. Thank you, Dumb Dumb fans. It's been really nice to have you here. All right, well, just to balance it out, who's here who's seen Dil for the first time who thinks he's bigger than they thought he'd be?

Oh, fuck you, Tommy. Yeah, brutal. I'm sorry, I take that back. I'm not being involved in this. Are you okay with this? This has gotten a lot meaner since the last time I was here. I'm really needy, so I like any attention, even if it's negative.

Oh, okay. All right, you fat fuck. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, it's disgusting get on brand celia jesus all right all right all right in all seriousness you've been having a fantastic festival you've been selling out yeah most nights a lot of a lot of hate about the show uh you're having a good time how's it been because you got you weren't drinking for the first couple of weeks yeah i'm not trying to lead you anywhere with you yeah yeah no i i sort of thought i'll wait till the show is good and ready before i start drinking and so you're gonna start drinking what three years time or yeah good this is coming got

him yeah coming coming from the guy who was too lazy to write his own show so he gets his mates to come and fill in for him yeah copping flag from that carl chandler Why did you call your show Kyle Chandler Has He's friends with Some of the world's Greatest and best comedians That's what

The show should have been called I would have If I hadn't have booked you Alright Is that the limit That's it We like fat jokes But I made this mild

Comment about his talent No more Is that it Never attack someone's dreams That's what we want No I know what you mean. This is very full on to be in the middle of. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's really, I feel like an enabler.

It's all love. Was it the night that I saw you the first night you were drinking? We had margaritas. Yeah, I was sculling $20 drinks. Like a proper fucking piss head. It was great. I was out till 7 o'clock in the morning and then I'd been up from 9. Sorry, I had I was out till 7 o'clock in the morning.

And then I'd been up from 9. Sorry, I had to wake up at 9 o'clock again. Where did you end up at 7? Just at home with the pizza. So when we said margaritas, we were smashing $20. So when you told me the other day you took someone home, that wasn't an actual Hawaiian oh we're back you love me again good stick to the fat jokes

should we should we get another guest on quick guest on here guys very special guest a good friend of ours you know him from walking the room and the dollop please welcome back in the little demo club Dave Anthony Dave's not here I ate him Hi Hi, how are you? Good Thanks for getting here Hi. Hi, how are you?

Good. Thanks for getting here. It's exciting that you made it. The bloke who flew from the other side of the country to do this gig. The other side of the country? Was he in Perth? What? Was he in Perth, is it?

Other side of the country? Hi. Mr and Mrs Allsop, why didn't you teach this guy about the map Tommy's Paris yes what a cute little a large man. He ate a very cute laugh. It's coming out. I was hanging out with Dave yesterday for the first time. I said, oh, wait, we're doing the podcast tomorrow.

All you need to know, really, is that they tee off on me on being fat, not getting laid, and being shit at comedy. And then at one point, like 10 minutes later, he called me me unfunny cunt so actually no you said I said and you're an uncanny fun yeah I had a couple of beers and then I said to be fair uncanny suits as well as well it's given that I haven't had any kind of you know was Was that a male pizza you took home, was it? A meat lover That is one of the best fucking pizza jokes in the festival That's the worst image I've ever had in my I didn't realize you were racist

Super racist Did you not know that? Oh my God, my whole show is about how racist I am. It's hothead. Hothead cools down by wearing a white sheet on top. Yeah. Yeah. So when people leave Sri Lanka

and they get to another country, they just start eating or what happens it's not just us in this country other people can do these jokes as well I signed these stand up the other night. It was great. It was in front of four people and I was like, I'm just going to sit through this whole

goddamn thing. It was really tremendous. It was great. How was your shitty-ass gig you were doing instead of being here on time today?

It was awesome. Fuck you. Don't bag the gigs that I run. That's the cricket-based comedy show. It's a great show. I love a cricket-based

comedy show. I love any sports-based comedy show. It's a great show. I love a cricket-based comedy show. Yeah. I love any sports-based comedy show. Is it really? Does everyone do... You're doing material... You don't have to do material... No, let's not do this.

I don't want to bag the kids. No, no, do it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it twice. For regular listeners, this is the same gig that you were doing in Adelaide that meant that you were late to the Adelaide podcast. And just to confirm,

it's not like you're doing comedy. You're pretending to be an umpire. No, no, I'm being serious. what the Sri Lankan top and everything. Put that away. I'm going to give you incentives to come to the light show, not disincentives. We don't need you to knock out the first two rows, all right? I'm sorry, Celia. It's all showbiz.

I know. You look like you're doing it, but it just feels wrong. I don't like being involved in this anymore. I cry into pizzas at night, but, you know, it's still... I have fun while I'm here. He's selling out his show. This is making his career. Let him have this.

Okay. Really? Sorry. You seem genuinely traumatised by this. I mean, everything I've been taught seems wrong here This is like the anti-world We're not normal people

Well use it as a cataract experience Why don't we for a while just leave Dilwook alone and then talk a bit about how Tommy looks like he's wearing a baby's hat Yeah It is Hang on, hang on, hang. It is. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Look, it's naughty in big ears.

Do you guys have the cartoon Peanuts here? Yeah. Because you look like a Peanuts character. Which one? It looks like a red penis. No, he just looks like he should be in Peanuts. He really does. He's got that...

Good old Charlie Dumbcut. Yeah, what else? What else have you got? Come on. No, that's it. I've had Steve Zissou twice in the last two hours. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you still decided to wear it?

Yeah. Okay. Very self-conscious about my hair, mate. I'm going gonna go before this backfires and gets around to me good luck good luck at the cricket game thanks have a great rest of your show There goes the cheetah. You know what?

Are you still running? No. Because you're continuing to sweat like you're still running. You have stopped running, right? Yeah. This is the quickest a guest has got on board with the punching. We have broken some records here. Is it possible to turn your respiratory system off? Is there a way of doing that?

Why, am I breathing too heavy into the mic? It's like the eternal flame. You're like the eternal sweat. Yeah. You should just have you at a... Okay. All right. Hey, we did it.

We finally wore them out. No, no, no no I've got a few more in me um should we what we knew Celia was gonna have to leave at a certain point so we did we thought we should get someone who's able to sub in for her we thought you know who's someone who's you know very similar to Celia so it's not gonna be too much of a transition and we I think he's asked to be introduced as a secret guest to the stage like a special special guest. Oh, really? Oh, wait, wait. So we can reveal it through song, perhaps? Oh, yeah.

All right. Oh. Oh. I wonder who it is? Hey yo, what's up everyone, it's Ronnie Chang. Yo, what the fuck? Y'all don't know what you're talking about. Y'all don't know.

Yo, people are so stupid. Wow, Ronnie's got a big spitting problem. I feel like a sandwich. I feel like a sandwich. I feel like a sandwich. A sandwich. A sandwich. How are you feeling today, Ronnie?

Are you feeling a bit sensitive? Yeah, you sensitive fuck, bro. All right, we're just going to do this for the rest of the hour. I think I'm going to be Ronnie Chang for the rest of the... All of a sudden he got a really Chinese accent. I could be really racist but you don't even know who I am. He's got a really small penis and... I gotta say I'm uncomfortable by this. In fact I'd say me no reiki. I'm uncomfortable by this.

In fact, I'd say me no reiki. You guys are so racist in Australia. Hey, mate. Like it or leave it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, when I got here, there was a pro-racist rally

in the streets. Yeah, that's what we're all doing after this. That's what this is now. Welcome to Australia Australia you fuck oh wow you said before you shows full of racism and now you're complaining about us don't look at me whatever your animal oh that's felt good though.

That felt good. I'd walk around the city just doing that. Worth it for the idea that there's like one idiot in this crowd who's like, fuck, it was Nazeem. No way. Don't talk about your mum like that, bro. She's not an idiot, you know. Hey, seriously though, I'm kind of with Celia.

Like, you guys are making so much fun of Dil and all these fat jokes and stuff. And I thought, before I came here, I'm not going to make a single fat joke about Dil. But then I came here and it was hilarious, right? So, like, a couple of episodes ago, like, Tommy ate, like, ten cheeseburgers because a listener came and brought ten cheeseburgers because a listener came

and brought 10 cheeseburgers with him and I thought I can't do that. That's really mean getting a fat guy to eat food in front of a live audience. So I got like a pack of Snickers. But that's really mean so unless you want to do it but you know otherwise I think it's pretty mean.

I would have gone for it. I would have yes and your your offer but i did come off the back of eating three packets of magic noodles so i reckon so i thought that would have wasted your appetite wetted yeah this is dessert that's fine all right well we'll just hand it out to the audience i'll have one it was all fun and games until it started going away from me It was all fun and games until it started going away from me. By the way, Nazeem, not to tell you how to do the job, but for the love of God, can you please talk into the microphone? Okay, sorry about that.

We got so many complaints last time you were on that you were so soft. It's good to not talk into the... Podcast, it's fine. Well, Nazeem, you wouldn't know any better. You only do radio for a fucking living. You're gonna have to work hard to get all those people in the town hall to hear you at your big show if you're not talking into the microphone. We've booked the town hall but that doesn't mean people are necessarily gonna come. Yeah, we're feeling for you since you've sold out every other fucking show. It's a five seater venue. It's about the same size as Tommy's.

Yeah. Oh, okay. That's just a fact at this stage. No longer funny. Hey, I'm their best friend, okay? I had a great conversation on the street on my third night here. I saw Tommy, and he's like, how's it going?

I go, I don't know. I didn't have a great night. And he goes, what? I go, there just weren't that many people there. And he goes, how many?? I go, I don't know. I didn't have a great night. And he goes, what? I go, there just weren't that many people there. And he goes, how many? I go, there were like 50. And he's like, fuck you, I had six. Off he goes.

And I was like, oh, I feel much better. I had a really good show tonight. Just go talk to Tommy. Yeah, it's all about perspective. I can help you out with anything in your life, guys. The feel-good story of the festival I um should I tell this story like my um festival story from I don't think I've ever told this on the podcast the one of it from three or four years ago where uh my first night of the festival

uh go for it the yeah oh I'm in I'm intrigued are you looking for permission to tell the story? Or help? I was looking just for an affirmative for Tommy to go, that is a great story, tell everyone, they are going to love it. But he just looked at me and went, oh, no. Yes, please, Carl, please tell the story. What a surprise. Carl Chandler looking to his mates to try and lift his comedy game again. Got him.

Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him. Got him. You guys, no. No. Now you have butter on your hands. We are very close to the front row. Okay, when you bent over

to give people high fives, everybody got a good view. You were bending over in front of people as you were high-fiving and your pants your pants were hanging down and this young woman looked like she was going to chuck the one ring into the no no no she's in love hey it actually made dave a bit homesick it looked like the grand canyon but i would i would just say that grand is the right word. Not the right word. Definitely not grand. Cabernet, that still fits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say upsetting. My ass only had six people in it the other night. What? I don't know. What happened? What? Explain that again.

No, no. Did you just accidentally come out? Yeah. Edit point. You don't want to give it away at the ending of your festival show. But yeah. I mean, that was a tremendous coming out, because you said that six guys fucked you. Yeah.

I mean, you came galloping out. Yeah. Take that talk, class. I think you came flooding out. And your parents are here? Is this how you want to tell your mum and dad? Yeah Yeah it was a callback gone wrong everyone

What was it a callback to? The six The credits To him having sex with six men Oh my god The six people in the audience Apparently he let them all fuck him Yeah

That's his one minute show So there you go, guys. You can make the choice. Go to me or his show. Free beer at mine or a free fuck at his. Wait, when I do your show, I'm not buying beer. That was just the one guy who did it. We're not all buying beer.

There are three now. Fuck me. Jesus Christ. And Ronnie Chang tried to buy everyone beers. And he went out and went, I'm going to go and do it. And he went out back and came back and went, this is a heritage listed building. I can't buy anyone beers. I'm very sorry, everyone.

Hey, we can all do it. Let's all have a go at that. Hi, my name is Ronnie Chang. Hello, my name is Ronnie Chang. Man, do you want to set it up better? You're starting by talking into the mic okay you go all gonna repeat after me you're real trendsetter aren't you mate

no it's gonna be good no no it's been going it's one two three my name is Ronnie Chang I put six of them on my ass Tommy puts anything in sixes up his ass I'm'm really trying to see Mr... He's terrible with beer. Give us a thumbs up, Mr and Mrs A. How's it going so far? Don't... They'll hate this. No, your dad gave it a thumbs up.

Your mum didn't. She just disowned you. Your mum is feeling a shame that she's never felt before. It's a deep, deep shame. It's known as a Tommy shame. It's pronounced mum here, you fucking seppo. I'm not going to... I'm not gonna get you Oh your beers

Oh these are all for you He needs four more Tommy needs six beers to put somewhere I'll take one Thank you, who's buying these beers? Some guy out there but he didn't want to bring them up He gave me five beers and I knew that Nazeem doesn't drink I'll have an orange juice thanks, I still like to have fluids in my body.

Another time that Tommy likes to have. Does someone in the crowd want one of these beers? Are your parents coming to my podcast? Are you guys coming to the dollop? Thanks, Josh. Who's coming to the dollop? You know who's in back right now? Gary.

What's happening? Gary just got off the plane. Huh? What? What is happening? Gary just got off the plane. Huh? What? Gary just got off the plane. Oh, do we want Gary to be on here? Look what happened.

Yeah. I'm doing this, sure. Just let him share a mic. Let's get rid of Dil. Just get... No. No. No, I love you, Dave.

Dil's leaving. Oh! No! No, I love you Dave. Oh. Dill's leaving. Oh, look at him go. Let's, uh... We're gonna fit a... Ventriloquist actor game. Yeah, talk... You're worse than fucking Azeem talking to the mic. Gary.

Oh, this act used to go well before there were six people in my hand. What? Oh, are you pretending to... Dad, please don't eat me, Mr. Jai Singer. Gary! Gary! Oh, fuck! Gary! Gary! Sure, you bring him up.

Get up! Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Dreadholtz! It's Gary! He said, I love you, I'm sorry. Oh, you've already got one. I've got one. I'll have another one, though.

Oh, it's a pure blonde. That's all I drink. That's a lot of pre-impression. This is Gary. Hi. All right, so first question, who are you? Hi. Guy from back.

Should I go? So you just got off a plane and you got here today? Yeah, about three hours ago. So I don't feel like I'm on acid or anything. Straight into the grog. Good move. Yeah, right here, right to the joint. Dill. What racist accents do you have to contribute?

I was just going to go with fat stuff. I'm sorry. Do your fat accent. Cake! That's a good, that's a good fax-cent. The good thing is you don't need to be good at accents. Fat's in every language, especially American. Except Ethiopian. I know know too soon right too soon

I'm sorry I feel partly responsible for amplifying that everyone I'll take some of the blame for that I guess this is no longer

the Live Aid podcast apparently that's such a crazy fucked up thing for a fat guy to say but also in Ethiopia what's even more

fucked up is the hungrier you get you get fat they get distended tummies. By the way, shout out to Pure Blonde, the official drink of the Little Dum Dum Club. Let's blame this on them. Once I start drinking, I can't stop, so my show tonight is going to be a nightmare. I was going to ask Nazeem. Now, you're not a drinker because of your religious beliefs.

Does being on the podcast with other drinkers, is that not haram? No, it just makes you feel like I'm at Cronulla, like in 2006. It's really great. I'm loving this. What was the word you just said? Like a what? Cronulla, there's a race riot where Muslims beat up Australians. You wouldn't know anything like that. You're from L.A.

Nothing bad like that ever happens there. Everybody loves each other in Los Angeles. We all bleed red. The police, black people. Yeah, we don't have any race issues in America. We never have. Not a one. No, it's a great place. Everyone loves each other. Yep, as long as you're white

Exactly I am talking about white people Yeah yeah There's no racism If you're white There's no white on white violence Absolutely not No

It's just the others We gotta deal with They're unbelievable They really are They're just That's why this podcast Is sponsored by Pure Blanc I would hope

It would be sponsored By Pure White, because that's the only beer I'll really drink. What are we going to do in the drunk cast next week? What's left? Another shout out to our new listeners tonight. Hey, should we go into...

Oh, you want to tell my story? Oh, okay, yeah, tell your story. I think people go into my story um daddy oh these hip cats might dig your story Dave get the bongos out let's go I don't know what's happening who just came up here For the listeners, this angel's got an ashes. That's a bottle of whiskey. There's vodka in there.

You're off the wagon. What is the wagon? Oh, no, guys, I've got a gig later tonight. No, I've got too much vitamin C in this. There he goes. All right, so here's my story. Oh, the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really can't wait for this. All right, right this story i feel like i'm in my solo show again already i'm trying to get out content and you idiots are just waiting for you to start the story yes um... Yeah, so it was like four years ago or something. Someone, uh... Cast your minds back four years ago. Wow, four years. The year was 2011. I love help.

So... So someone hit me up... The movie that I starred in. Wait. If you put on... Oh, the help. I like it. If you put on Tommy's hat, you'd have a where's Waldo look oh wow

but if I take off Tommy's hat a lot of people are gonna be blinded with the light reflecting off got him shout out to the two people responsible for these Oh, so that was my story. Really good. It's a really good story. I've been saving that one up for a while. So, no, no, no. What is it? Four years ago, someone hit me up.

Someone that used to hang around and watch comedy in the scene hit me up like six months out and was like, hey, when you do you solo show can I have a free ticket on the opening night I was like oh I guess so okay and then like four and a half five months to go hit me up again when can I get a free ticket on your opening night I was like yeah yeah you can still have that four months to go I get that suspense guys my point being she hit me up every three to four weeks saying, am I still good for that ticket?

And at one stage I went, I'm not fucking answering anymore. I've said three times, you can have that ticket. I'm not going to answer. So she kept hitting me up. No answer. So I guess the opening night, I walk out. There she is in the front row. And I'm like, oh, I forgot about that fucking ticket.

So then I do the show watching you the whole time going ah fuck now you got your chair you do feel validated you shit you literally interrupted Carl's story of the decade so in that it's taken a decade to tell I couldn't hear that but Luke you literally interrupted Carl's story of the decade so In that it's taken a decade to tell I just wanted to see

if you wanted to have sex with my girl but I'll let you go Alright see you guys later bye Alright That was the girl who went to see Alright, see you guys later, bye! Alright. That was the girl who went to see my show. So then what happened? You came off stage. So I was doing the gig.

She was in the front row. She was watching me the whole time. The whole time I'm trying to do my show, I'm going, ah, fuck, I fucked this. I fucked this up. So then... Sorry, Mum, by the way. Yeah, sorry. So you fucked the show up?

Oh, no, I fucked up the transaction. I feel bad. She's sitting there clearly having bought her ticket. After she's asked for that free ticket, I've said yes three or four times. So we do the show, whatever. Then I go... Because it's a small room.

I go out the front and I... I just love what a weird world you live in. Someone's paid money for a ticket and you're like, boy, I fucked this up. I'm doing my life all wrong. How much were tickets? I don't know 20 bucks

Something like that Poor girl So I finish the show And I go Because it's a small room I go out the front And I go to sort of Shake everyone's hand

As they come out And she bolts To be the first person out And blocks Bottlenecks the whole room She's in front of everyone Everyone's trying to get out And she stands there

And goes Where's my money I know I can get out until I literally get out the wallet I'm sorry here you go I give the first person like 20 bucks to get out and it looks like I'm just giving out refunds for the whole crowd. So then I go off and I go drinking with you, I think, and at some stage we get to like some point in the night where we go, and you're loving the story, going, oh, you fucking idiot.

And so then we find... I think I asked you for 20 bucks as well. Yeah, yeah. This is the thing we can do. I think we're drunk in KFC and we're going through her Twitter account and she's like logged into every location she's been in for the day. Yeah, back when people used to use Foursquare.

Remember that thing where you'd like check in at places? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it went. It went literally. 5pm, checked into Collingwood Centrelink. 7pm, checked into the Forum Theatre. 8pm, checked into Nando's. She took my 20 bucks and went and got herself some...

And for interstate listeners, Nando's literally next door to the Forum. So she's gone straight in there, gotten herself a bit of peri-peri on the old chair, man. Yeah, yeah. Festivals are fun. I can't believe that awesome sign fell down. Yeah. You guys put so much work in it, putting it up. Who was the contractor?

I'll put it up. It actually is as a picture in front of the Westgate. So it's pretty clear that it's sort of trying to jump off itself. Oh, Gareth, have you seen the Westgate yet? No. Oh, man. I just got here today. You probably drove over the Westgate Bridge.

Oh, yeah, I saw it. It's amazing. What an amazing structure. What I like most is that this poster is advertising this gig in here yeah yeah well if anyone in back didn't notice yeah did you guys really did no one actually think oh I'll tape it to the metal part I don't know how you do things in fucking America We make the black people do it I love you Carl Hey we'll have it ready for the drunk cast

Alright hey should we Is it time That laugh is unreal Holy shit Is that laugh what attracted you guys to Australia? Yeah I just in the middle of the night I was like what the fuck is that?

Is that a bird? Gareth came here by submarine And that was the sonar they were using Yeah You have a way better submarine sound. Hey, sonar's usually only used by whales, isn't it? And submarines. Sandwiches.

That was good. Hey, okay, is it time to go into a bit of Australia's... Well, let's end the show on a low. Favourite, longest running and most consistent radio serial, Rat Dad. Oh. Are there things I should be getting? We're all standing up.

It's Rat Dad here and I'm here to say... Music. ...ratting around in the Rat Dad way. That one's got my name on it. Got a white kid, a cat and a dog. Now, he'll be right in your catalog. Yeah. Word to your mother.

Cause I'm Rad Dad. It's the raddest dad in town. Rad Dad. Is that who my character is? Is that what I'm supposed to... Is that what that means? What? You've read a script before, haven't you? Yeah, but am I that guy? Is that my I'm supposed to... Is that what that means? What? You've read a script before, haven't you?

Yeah, but am I that guy? Is that my guy? No. When you did The Office, is this how they ran it? They just give you a script pulled out from under your seat? There's a... Go through the pages. You're like down in another couple of pages, all right?

Really? Because I'm on a... I mean, I'm on a TV... I mean, I'm on a... I'm like the'm on a TV... I mean, I'm on a... I'm like the only guy who's actually on a TV show. Yeah. Again, this is all actually in the script, guys. Oh, look, there I am. I got one...

Hey, hey, hey. One step on it. All right. Okay. Wow, glad we stopped having all that fun so we could do this. Talk about a sizzle for hothead. I didn't know this was going to be insulting. stopped having all that fun so we could do this another person. In my religion it's... Talking to the fucking mic. Is it against your religion to talk to the mic?

Is my character a pedophile because... No! Jesus! Hey, come on. Spoilers, come on. Jesus Christ. Just read your fucking lines. Alright, here we go.

Okay, scene. Everyone... To be fair, Nazeem does have a career to work. My first line i just want to play punishment as punishment for this you know what you're copying marcus play the theme song again actually no don't do that there's a rad dad then just let's all read our lines in the correct order that they're printed on the pages. This is like Christmas nativity all over again. It's the parents going,

do your lines, kids. Okay, right. Fuck, this is going to be so worth it. You know what I mean when I say my first line? No! You talk about this after. Jesus Christ. I want to play the pedophile.

Fuck. You're not playing a pedophile. I just want to point out, if I was in this, you would get none of this attitude. I would be professional, I'd say my one line, whatever you needed. Do you want to play the role of Nazeem? No.

I'll play the pedophile. I want to watch the implosion of Nazeem. How a poster just west-gated itself. I know what that is It's a bridge I'm glad we've got one professional on here I mean I would describe my line as barely a line Oh my god okay

Alright everyone Stop having fun Look how many lines Tommy has It doesn't even make sense Where made your character I know it's his show but you know there's an order Stop having fun. Look how many lines Tommy has. It doesn't even make sense. Yeah. We're major characters. I know it's his show, but, you know, there's an order that... It's how we treat Americans. Look, we'll cast you both as pedophiles in the drunk cast.

If that makes you happy. Okay. All right. I've got a big surprise for you, Rad Dad. You probably think I forgot to buy you a present two weeks ago when it was your 40th birthday. I'm not fucking 40. I'm 39. Dude.

Whatever you say, Frederick 40. Anyway, I've slowly been saving up money for a big surprise present for you. How did you do that? You don't even get any pocket money. Well, I've been making money by slowly selling off your CD collection. So after selling off all of your Aqua, Gwen Stefani, and Scandal Us albums, I've made myself a sweet six dollars. So then I made a few thousand dollars by selling your sperm.

Which coincidentally I found in your Aqua, Gwen Stefani, and Scandal Us CDs. Wow, a sperm bank paid that much? Well it was actually a Kickstarter account by Concerned Citizens that just want to really And Scandal Us CDs. Wow, a sperm bank paid that much? Well, it was actually a Kickstarter account by concerned citizens that just want to really make sure that you don't breed again. Slightly hurtful to me, but I guess I have to put society's well-being first. Anyway, what I did with all that money is I bought us two Contiki trips to Sri Lanka. Oh, get fucked.

Wow, Sri Lanka, I'm sure we'll handle this with our trademark sensitivity How are we going to do this episode without getting complaints? Don't think about it Rad Dad, let's just do it Well, here we are in Sri Lanka Hey, hey, who called me? Who called me? Sorry, improv, improv, improv Wow, what a improv, improv. Wow, what a flight, boat trip, whatever we had just then.

And after all of that, I am famished. But the big question is, how are we going to find somewhere to eat in Sri Lanka? Hello, guys. The end. Do we really need to go any further? Hello, old man., hello little girl I'm an official Sri Lankan promotional officer here to guide you through the culinary delights of our country First of all, to make sure you are proper tourists I'm spending my energies in the correct way, I'll need to see your passports

Here you go And your wallet Here you go Now I just have to get on my bike and go verify this information to make sure you guys qualify. Stay right here, I'll be right back. Probably. Bye!

So just to clarify, we now don't have any ID or any money. Would that be right, Rad Dad? Yeah, I guess, but hey, it could be worse. We could be that guy's bike. There it is Psst psst hey there little girl A very different read than what we intended but Whoa who are you? Don't be alarmed A very different read than what we intended, but...

Whoa, who are you? Don't be alarmed. I'm actually an undercover police officer trying to bust open the sex tourist trade. Tell me honestly, is this your 40-year-old pimp? How dare you? I am not 40! I'm 30 fucking nine, and also, where's that culinary expert?

I'm getting hungry. Look, maybe you are in the sex trade. Maybe you aren't. But I'm still going to have to bring you in because of Sri Lanka's recently introduced laws banning peroxide hair, black goatees and shark tooth necklaces. Book him, detective asshole. What an interpretation. My pen and pie voice. Wait, everyone, bit of shush, bit of shush. Hi.

Hi. My name is Detective Asshole. I flew over from another country to do this, everyone. Dave Anthony, ladies and gentlemen. Like Alec Baldwin in Glen Gary Gendos. Just fucking nailed it. One line. Cunts.

Your son is a cunt. Your mom is nodding in agreement. Mate, don't you know? I actually wrote that line, so... Hey, stop having fun this is red that channel pedophile and now here we are at the police station obviously now mr. rad dad get in that cell Wow here's the culinary expert from before finally you'll be able to give me that advice okay here's my culinary advice Turn around and pull your pants down and

you'll get a hot dog. Awesome! What a country! Everything's so different. The climate, the language and the impossibly small size of the hot dogs. Oh Rad Dad! Rad Dad! Rad Dad is filming a part of Live Studio Williams. Now, did you really want to be a bigger part of that story?

Making and writing scripts. I do choose my parts a little more carefully, so, in retrospect, no, I'm good. Can someone get into IMDB and update my IMDB with pedophile rat that was your word a pedophile you're a police officer it's kept sounding like you were gonna break into a bit of a heehee at the end of it there nothing in that script that said you're a pedophile

and you kept going, I'm a pedophile, everyone. How else do you interpret... Psst, hey there, little girl. The guy made a strong choice. Strong acting choice. It's almost like you're accusing us of Rad Dad not being any good. No, never, never. The fuck?

Hey, we wrote that at least 45 minutes ago. And this show's been going for an hour. All right, guys. Well, I think that brings us to the end of the little dum-dum club for another week. No, we've run over time. We have to get out of here. It's like ten past four. We have to go to Celia's show.

Guys, we get a big round of applause for Dilwook Jaisingha, Naseem Hussain, Gareth Reynolds, Dave Anthony, Sheila Pacola, Joshua for bringing beers up onto the stage. Give it up for Tommy and Carl. David and Jane Allsop,

Marcus Newman on the ones and twos. That new guy who hates us now. I'm just going to be handing out flyers on the way out, but only take one if you want it. Shut up, this is all the shit out. I thought that was going to be good content. That was terrible. Thank you everyone. I'll catch y'all later. I'll catch y'all later too.

Give it up for Roddy Chang. Nazeem Hussain, go check him out next Saturday at the Melbourne Town Hall. Thanks very much for listening guys and we'll see you next time.