The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 238 - Alex Edelman & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: April 22, 2015

Seinfeld in his 20's, Chandler At Work & Ronny's Lunches Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, next week I'm up in Sydney doing my show Cutie Pie at the Factory Theatre, May 6th, the 8th and 10th. It would be awesome to see all the friends of the show out there. I'm going to have the t-shirts with me for one, Carl. I've got to get them off you. We've got brand new t-shirts, white and black. You've got your choice. We're still at your choice of a lot of sizes, so get in now while you can. If you're a disgusting fat fuck, you're shit out of luck. Sorry, guys. But you know what?

Good motivation. Get on the treadmill. Get yourself down a couple shirt sizes. Yeah, yeah. That should be your main motivation. Lose weight so you can wear one of our stupid-ass t-shirts. Imagine someone who's been fat their whole life, and then they finally lose weight so that they can get a little

dum-dum club t-shirt. Yeah, but also if they're listening to our podcast and we talk about hamburgers and shit everywhere, it's just they're going, yeah, yeah, we're going to stop doing that. Irony. Yeah, so they're also, if you're not in a place where you can get it from us, they are now. There's a link on our website, littledumdumclub.com.

You can get them through Estoy Merchandise. They'll ship them out to you. And, yeah, they're selling pretty quick, so if you want one, jump on it. Exactly. And they actually look really good. Yeah, they're great. I've been feeling like a bit of a dickhead wearing one around, but that's how good they are.

Yeah, they're great. I'm happy to look like a dickhead. Yeah. Also, did you want to plug anything else? And if you're in Melbourne or if you're in a state, you know, coming in to visit, I always run my Thursday night room, which is Portland Hotel Comedy these days in Russell Street. So we've always got the absolute best friends of the show

popping in down there. And, you know, even people are too big to even come on this little podcast. Yeah. So, yeah, me and Sydney next week, TommyDassolo.com for ticket details. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the t-shirts. Hey, hit the donate button on there if you're feeling generous. And hey, if you like this episode, always helps

us when people share it around, retweet it uh leave us an itunes review do all that stuff and even you know the people that haven't liked us or whatever on facebook or or you know followed us on twitter it's that thing where we always put extra content during the week all the visual sort of stuff heaps of pictures from the drunk cast things like that so it's yeah it's worth following us on the social medias we're on instagram now as well yeah and i've got one final thing that i need to tell you carl tommy is that is that the battery light oh no actually because i've got something to tell you oh no it's definitely the battery light hey mates welcome once again into the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. The passion's all gone. Shall we give a bit of context for when we're doing this? Sure, we're doing this directly before the last... If you've heard the last couple of episodes, or the last episode, the last live one of Melbourne,

we are trying to squeeze one in just before that. So we're sitting here. What a flattering way. This is the what the fuck version. Stay squeezed over there. So it's the last day of the comedy festival. We're about to do one of our live episodes, then our own shows, two in your case, and

then the drunk cast. So we've got four hours of entertainment coming up. So this is, you know, if I don't talk that much, I'm just saving myself, all right? So I'm really hoping the guests bring it. We're bereft of both energy and content, but we really wanted to get these two guys on the show. So we thought, hey, you know what? Let's squeeze it in.

Yeah, let's do this and not prepare for the other shows and make them worse we are sitting in a pub in which none of the lights are on on a sunday morning uh first of all i just say kfc if that helps what i just say kfc okay we'll get to this if that helps let's bring the guests in so we can all really yeah i want to play with this party. Come on. Bring me in, coach. First of all, from Triple J and Reality Check, it's Tom Beller. Hello, everyone. Hello, everyone.

I'm looking at a sign that says popcorn. One for $3, two for $5. Drink specials with an apostrophe before the S. Yeah, that's just the podcast special. Oh, boy. Chandler, is your mic on or not? Now it is. Yeah, okay.

How long has that been on for? I don't know. I could hear you before. Okay. This is good. All right. Also, it's hard to feel like it's a special edition of the Dumb Dumb Club or that you really wanted to get these guys on the podcast.

I feel like this is a special edition. We're usually worse than this. I feel the most special. This is a special needs edition. What if you just talk and we never properly introduce you? That's a real possibility. We're never going to introduce Yuzi over here. That would be weird, wouldn't it?

He's just made his debut at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Winner of the Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Please welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club, Alex Edelman. Yay! Thank you so much for having me in Little Dumb Dumb Club. I feel really... I feel really special. I was hoping the creaking of that door

would be picked up by a microphone. I hope it is. I feel like it really drives home the atmosphere right now. It's cool to stop the podcast every time someone walks into a toilet. That's fine. Yeah, it's cool.

Just a bunch of creaking sound effects. We're about to start solving some mysteries after this. All kidding aside, I'm actually pretty psyched to be on the podcast because I listened to some when after this. All kidding aside, I'm actually pretty psyched to be on the podcast because I listened to some when I got here. Because actually, I think a good indication of a comedy scene is the podcast.

Not the most famous one, but the second most famous one. Is there one that's more famous than you guys or do you think you're it? No. Do you think you're it? Technically, Will Anderson. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, technically.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Technically in the same way. The biggest comedian in the country is technically bigger than us. Technically and figuratively and literally. Yeah, and metaphorically. I don't think Will would be upset if you said, well, that's not exactly the comedy scenes podcast.

That's Will Anderson parlaying his fame and popularity well into another medium. And also he spends so much time recording that in the States that it's like, is it really an Australian? Oh, are we booting him out? Are we booting him out? We're taking his place, all right. Always good to talk about Will on the show

when we know for a fact that he listens to me. Hey, Will, accept your fucking People's Choice Award, you cunt. Uh-oh. Whoa. Someone's getting a little bit sensitive about that. They should just give it out now by going. We'll give a bit of context. Whoever's sold the most tickets, except for Will Anderson.

Yeah, I mean, we'll probably talk about this. We'll talk about this last week, technically, on the recorded podcast. So he won the People's Choice Award last night for the fifth year in a row and was not there to claim it. By the way, I saw his show and it was fucking dynamite. So that's your choice as one of the people. You're the judge. And I bought a ticket too.

I bought a ticket. Wow, you are dumb. Really stupid. You know where you get in for free, don't you? I do. But I felt it was like an extra show and it was great. It was a really good. I didn't realize it was going to be as big as it was, honestly.

I was like, what room is it in? They're like, the theater. That's cool. That's cool though because you're the guy that goes into like this massive theater and goes, oh, this guy is huge. Whereas when I fly people at the front of my show and then they come in, they walk in and go, oh, there must be more to this room. This is...

Why is the waiting room bigger than your room? That would be great if every comedy show had a waiting room like a doctor's. Most shows do. All shows have the waiting room, but sometimes the waiting room is outside. Yeah, true. Yeah, there's a room to wait. Like, I think that would be cool if it wasn't, if they had the People's Choice Award

and then they just had the Person's Choice Award. So they just go through the phone book, they pick one person at random, and then they go, you can see whatever you like, and then they just pick their favourite show. And it would be Hugh Z or Will Anderson. Yeah, yeah. No, it's worked out well.

It's still a sample. You've reduced the sample size. But it would be hilarious if someone's like, I only know one comedian, and I think I went to uni with Nazeem Hussain. I think it's Nazeem Hussain. And then Nazeem's like, oh, thanks, Rachel. I think with the people's choice.

So it's like it ends up being whoever sold the most tickets. It should be once you win it, then you're ineligible next year. So then it just effectively becomes the second, you know, the highest ticket seller. So all the people that have won it are the chosen ones. Yeah. And they're ineligible. And it just gradually filters down until it's literally just like someone who sold 80 tickets winning it because they're the only one.

They should call it the piece of gold award. And they hand out a piece of gold and everyone bites it. And they're like, look, that's Will Anderson 10 times. One less tooth because of the last time he he bit it now it's ronnie chang it'll be ronnie chang next year although what if i think ronnie might have a good shot at unseating will at some point yeah yeah um i uh alex we met really early on in

the festival and i was intrigued by your poster because you've got like the standout quote out of everyone like you're always looking at people's quotes and your quote is the best quote which is uh what is it word for word it's no no it's so good i don't want to i don't want to mess it up because it's a sweet 40 carat quote someone's world's best and greatest comedian the best comedian in the world what sort of asshole would do that? The quote is, yeah, how are you talking to me? You're like, your quote is pretty laudatory. Yeah, but I'm saying yours is genuinely good.

Like, it actually attracted me to the both of them. Mine is. While you're looking it up, you know the quote. I don't. I finally imagine this is what it might have been like to watch Jerry Seinfeld in his early 20s. Yeah. Whoa. Quite a crush. Because. Quite a quash.

Because he does all his materials. What's the deal with using really impressive quotes? Yeah, people think that's just like, you know, metaphor or hyperbole or whatever you want to call it. And then they go see your show and you come out, you've got the sneakers on with a blazer. Midway through your show, someone slides through a door. Is anyone following this OJ thing?

What about when you go to Blockbuster and they say, have you rewound this tape? Who's got time to rewind tapes? This is really nice because right now what I'm seeing is three Australian comedians and what they think America is like 20 years ago. So if you think you're ill-informed now about what America is like 20 years

ago, actually it's pretty dead on. But yeah, no, no, that's very, it's a weird quote. It really is so weird.

I have, I have, there's a story behind that quote. Someone in Edinburgh, a New York comedian went to Edinburgh, saw it. And apparently it did get mentioned to Seinfeld and his crew of people. His crew of people?

Seinfeld posse. What, Kramer, Elaine? Did Elaine hear about it? No, like his opening acts and stuff. And like someone who's like a really good friend of his. And so I walk into the club, into one of the comedy clubs and someone. In New York. In New York.

Yeah. And this guy said, hey, Alex, I was in Edinburgh. And I went, oh, wow, cool. I missed you. I was like, I was only there a few days. But I saw that review in the mirror. And I was like, oh, yeah, that was a really nice review. So is this Jerry Seinfeld telling you this right now?

No, it's not Jerry Seinfeld. It's one of his opening acts. I'm sorry. And he goes, well, you know, I mentioned it. And I was like, okay. He's like, I mentioned it. And I was like, to who? He's like, to Jerry.

Jerry who? I was like, what? Because I's like, to Jerry. Jerry who? I was like, what? Because I forgot about that exact quote. And they're like, you know, the quote that says you were, like, watching Seville at this point. He's like, yeah, that's a really nice compliment. Because, like, I love Jerry Seinfeld. Like, who doesn't love Jerry Seinfeld if you're, like,

a New York Jewish comedian? Yeah. And then a few days later, another one of the opening acts, we're in the same club. I'm sitting at a table in the front. One of the other opening acts gets up from the table in the back and he winds his way through the room and he stops in front

of my table and he looks down at me and with like two other comedians, I'm like, hey, bud. And he goes, you're nothing like him. And then he walks away. It was the most, it was like it was really chilling and because he just said. It was the most, it was like, it was really chilling. And because he just said you're nothing like him, the other two comedians were just like, what the fuck just happened?

And I was like, I really can't explain it because it'll make everybody involved look terrible. Do you have history with that person? No, no, not even a little. Yes, in that I was just a kid to him. That's the thing. I started in New York and I was like 18. So I'm 26 now.

And so I've been pretty much moving around New York and doing shows in New York. But because the place you develop and the place where you're seen, sometimes they're two different places. Because you've developed by ingradiations. You started in a place, you were shitty, you got not shitty, then you got competent, then you got average, then you got above average, and now maybe you're good.

And so if you move through all those phases in one place, people can miss this subtle change. Some people who might not catch you. So they saw you be shitty, they're like, oh, that guy's shitty. That guy's shitty, or they go, that guy's okay, or that guy's part of the white noise of the comedy scene. And then you go somewhere else, and people are seeing you for the first time,

so they go like, oh, that guy's good, because you enter the scene as good or competent or above average. Yeah, I'm planning to move to Fiji and start a comedy scene there and fucking just dominate. You know what, man? Some people say that the best way to do it is to move to a smaller pond, be the best dude there, and then everyone's like, what's going on in fucking Chicago, Cleveland?

Yeah, and that's how Perth got started. Got him! But the most important thing is you are on Seinfeld's radar. That is awesome. I am not on Seinfeld's radar. I think he probably went, oh, yeah, and then very quickly forgot about it. I also think he would get

mentioned in comedy reviews a lot, to be fair. He's got a Google alert on his name. Also, it's probably a reviewer who, being very nice, just went, he's a New York comedian

that I thought was funny. Who's another New York comedian that I thought was funny? Well, Woody Allen touches kids. And I got that vibe from this guy

he's really yeah he's like I don't really know who he he's like Rodney Dangerfield has died Robert Klein

isn't really noticeable let's go with Jerry Seinfeld so that's what I I would like to see someone

come up that someone said he's it's like watching a young Rodney Dangerfield that would be a I would like to see someone come up that someone said he's it's like watching a young Rodney Dangerfield that would be a weird comedian

like a young guy that's 100% true yeah a guy defined by his oldness yeah yeah have you ever and his ex-wives and his kid's like

17 years old have you guys been compared to people because I've seen all three of you I know all three of you are exceptionally good but I only

oh wow a guy compared to Jerry Seinfeld thinks we're good. That is on my post next year. I like to think of myself as a young Carl Chandler. That isn't 40. Tom got a review in Brisbane once

where they used a photo of me in the middle of the review. Are you serious? Yeah, that's the closest I've ever come to being hate-crimed and also compared to another comedian. You're welcome. Here, I want to give some context-free readings from what Tom Ballard has sent me via text.

Oh, God. Here, they are context-free, so take them as you will. Now we finally get to know the real Tom Ballard. Behind the mic. Sent at 7.14 yesterday. So it's 300 for a bag? Context free, guys. You can be mad at anything.

7.14 p.m. yesterday. You got ballarded. Yes. Let's get that trending. And then at 3.48 p.m. on Saturday, April 4th, he sent me a picture of him with his face in an album cover at the Where is this, Tom? That's me winning an ARIA. That's you winning an ARIA.

So you're giving out your own Wikipedia to him just over text, just filtering it through. Why is it context free? It feels like context is very important to that conversation. And I just randomly send people, Hi, I'm Tom. What's your number so I can save you photos of me winning awards? And then context context three,

the Museum of Jewish Heritage, a living memorial of the Holocaust. Oh, wow. That's the only three texts you've got from Tom Bellard. The first was something with an anti-Semitic tinge that was vaguely threatening. And then after that was the text, you've been bellarded.

The context is that I questioned him. I questioned the veracity of one of his jokes. Don't say jokes like that. One of his jokes. Air quotes. I tell a story about being in New York and about how my parents I was making out with a girl

and I said, oh, she's not going to be back. And I was talking with my parents. I said, they won't be there tomorrow because they're going to the Holocaust Museum. And then Alex Ashford said, there is no Holocaust Museum in New York. And I was like, well, yeah, there is because they went to one and I sent him that screenshot and it linked to the thing.

Is he a Holocaust Museum denier? That's a better joke than three people can give credit for. That's very funny. And then I said it better. He just goes, that's not a good museum. I'm talking about quality. Good Holocaust museum.

If you've never been to Jerusalem or LA, then you're fucking full of shit. The joke isn't we said we're going to the best Holocaust museum. This one will really make you cry. Man. The other ones you're like, uh. So what have you been doing during your days here while you've been in Melbourne? During the day, I usually hang out with comics.

Yep. Which has been nice. Went to the zoo, yeah? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Did you go and see Australian animals and stuff? Yeah, Simmons took us to the zoo. It was dope.

Is this true? Have you been invited? We've heard word on the grapevine. Oh, yes. That Ronnie Chang, the friend of the show, Ronald Chang, the most sensitive of all comedians, has been running his own private international luncheons where only the international stars of the comedy festival are invited. And us plebs, us fucking morons from Melbourne, are banned.

Is that true? No, dude. No. That's not true. Yes. That's good. That's really good. Well, the accent is, I figured this out, it's 5% Malaysian, Is that true? No, dude. No. Yes. That's good. That's really good.

Well, the accent is, I figured this out, it's 5% Malaysian, 5% Australian, 90% intensity. Yeah. I'd whack in at least 10% Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude. No, no, no. Yeah, no, Ronnie is, that's not true, but I will say this. Ronnie is the best host comedian on the planet. So it absolutely is true.

You don't have to protect him here. This is a safe space. You've had your feed. I will tell you, Ronnie's done worse than that. Ronnie has made a guide of restaurants that he's made just for the international comedians. Oh, we're aware. Are you aware of I'mOkayWithAnything.com?

It was launched on this podcast. It's so good. It's so good. It's a lifesaver. By the way, he only made that because we bullied him into doing it on this show. Yes. Then all the listeners started harassing him. Then I read an interview with him where he said that he just made it for international

visitors of the festival. We're receiving no credit for this whatsoever. We did. There was one really fun day, but it was with too many Euro comedians. I don't get the name of it. I'm okay with anything, but then it says only go to these places. That's the opposite of I'm okay with anything. It should be I'm okay with this.

It's a really nice thing for you to nitpick, Carl. If I was going to take issue with something, this is the issue. Oh, you mean he made a list of recommendations? He named it wrong. Although I didn't know that he came up with it on this podcast. If you're in the scenario when you're with someone,

like everyone in the group says, I'm okay with anything. You know, whatever, I don't have a preference. I never eat with people. Not hard to understand at all. Barely worth explaining to him. The tagline is surrounded by idiots who can't decide what to eat. Oh, yeah. You've had beef with him about – because you went to somewhere.

Well, not the luncheon beef. You went to somewhere on the list. Oh, yeah. You then get sick. Yes. He then has a go at you because it was a noodle place and you get something that's not noodles. Yeah.

What was it? Where was it? Was it Noodle Kingdom? Please don't say it was Noodle Kingdom. It was Noodle Kingdom. It was Coconut House, I think. Okay, yeah. I see that on the list.

And so I went there and I got explosive diarrhea after it. And then I sent him... Maybe that's a Carl Chandler problem and not a running chain problem. You sensitive fuck. I'm not okay with that one thing. Yeah, so then I hit him up and he then swears at me and blames me for buying the wrong dish. This sensitive asshole has a sensitive asshole. Fuck you, dude.

Dude, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. My favourite Chegg moment of late was when I was in Brisbane and we were talking about... This is Ronnie Chang, who's another comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if they know us, they will know the guy who is selling 200 times the tickets.

The Howard Hughes of comedy. We were talking about Fanta and I just mentioned the fact that Fanta was sort of developed by the Nazis. What? Well, during the World War II. Really? They couldn't get the supplies. Just quickly, I love Chandler goes, Nazis? And Alex goes, Fanta? World War II. Really? They couldn't get the supplies into Mexico. Just quickly, I love Chandler goes, Nazis, and Alex goes, Fanta. Wow.

Hang on. This story has got 0% traction with the room. So the Fanta was invented by the Nazis. Is that what you're saying? What? Is that what you're saying? Yes. During World War II.

Is this mentioned in the Holocaust Museum? Is this mentioned in the Fanta Museum? Is there a Fanta Museum? That's why it's a shitty Holocaust museum. It's all about Fanta. They barely give a mention to it. It's Fanta based. Yeah, they were going under and Fanta bailed them out. It's all branded content everywhere

you go. Wow. As far as, we were in Australia and I ordered a Fanta and I said, you know, I mentioned this fact about how during World War II they couldn't get the ingredients in to make Coke so they had to sort of come up with a new soft drink and they came up with Fanta basically how during World War II they couldn't get the ingredients in to make Coke, so they had to come up with a new soft drink and they came up with Fanta, basically, during the World War II. And Ronnie's like, is that true? Is that true?

I said, yeah, yeah, it's a true fact. And then we go back and have the rest of the conversation, continue with our conversation, and then suddenly Ronnie just slams his phone down on the table. It's the Wikipedia article of Fanta. And he's going, you were exactly correct. Thanks, buddy. I fucking love Ronnie Chang, man.

That's what makes you such a great dinner date, Tom. You're consistently providing historical facts for every beverage that you consume. Tom, were you at the Ronnie Chang barbecue? Oh, fucking hell. No, I wasn't, Edwin. Thanks for bringing that up. Well, there were a lot of Australian comedians.

It was mostly Australians. There was another... There were other radio people there. So I just figured... But it was a set... He does open his home to comedians. Not all comedians. To some, yeah.

No, it was... He's not okay with everyone. Aaron was there when I was there Aaron, Luke McGregor Yeah cool And there were a fucking There were a bunch of A bunch of no name Aussies But besides that

Was there any Was there any podcasters That have really catapulted him Into the stratosphere And really pushed his career For the last three or four years People took him on When no one else really

Get before him I think Ronnie Chang Is fucking one of the funniest He couldn't even get booked On community radio But we saw something in him I like my shake I like my I like a smoothie else really get before I think Ronnie Chang is fucking one of the funniest he couldn't even get booked on community radio but we saw something in it I like my shake

I like a smoothie because I get all your nutrients in one cup all your nutrients in one cup were there representatives from Uniqlo there at

the barbecue oh you know it's so fun is he what he's trying to get sponsored by Uniqlo oh no no I thought for a second that he

had already been sponsored by Uniqlo and I was like this for a second that he had already been sponsored by Uniqlo and I was like this guy's a machine but like Ronnie is everyone drinking responsibly yeah always barbecuing responsibly

don't spill shit guys yeah he's a big he's a big clean guy always don't invite your friends to things that you do responsibly

you know he's trying to he's trying to introduce he's trying to introduce us to other Australian comedians. The ones he's knowing, yeah. Just the ones that are worth being introduced to. That's not true. I think a lot of people... Who was the worst Australian comedian you met there?

Has there ever been a more Carl Chandler question? In the history of mankind. There are only two. That's the guy I didn't get invited to. Who was the more Carl Chandler question in the history of mankind? There are only two. That thing I didn't get invited to. Who was the worst kind of guy? I just want to feel better. I feel left out. Probably Luke McGregor.

Oh, yeah, got him. By the way, I was talking to someone who's worked with you in offices, Carl, on TV writing jobs, and they said, yeah, Chandler comes in and productivity just kind of comes down because he's just constantly asking everyone in the room who they hate and when he tells us, like we would just

sit there and work and we chat. This is only in our podcast. Anytime Carl tells a story, he has to stand up and act everything out so just nothing's happening while he's still at that.

I'm real good in the office. I believe that. He's a funny dude but it's probably, you know what, you must be really funny in the office because some

because I'm I can also see you being a tremendous hindrance to progress yeah but you just want to you want to turn everyone into you

so you come in and you go to people who do you hate and people have never thought about that before who do you hate Carl who do you hate

come to the dark side together we will learn the galaxy I demand satisfaction who do you hate come on stop the dark side. Who do you hate? I demand satisfaction. Who do you hate? Come on, stop holding back. Who's a cunt? Just look at everyone who hasn't been on the podcast.

Oh, my God. You hate Seinfeld. I can't do this. I hate what you're going to become. Oh, man. No, I'm good in the office. I may do that. I'm very entertaining.

You definitely do that. I'm saying this is fact. But that's such a small portion of what I do. Okay? There's plenty of other stuff. Charity work. I think I ask more often,

what did you have for breakfast? What are we having for lunch? I think I ask that more often than that. Then comes that one. What's your least favourite thing to have for lunch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But for the record,

I think you guys have all been very hospitable. A lot of Australian cars. I just want to finish this and get on the record. I may drag other people's productivity down, but I write like a son of a bitch. So I look even better.

I get back to work and I write heaps and then everyone else has written nothing. And I win. I win writing. But I think what you do is your behavior just sort of leaves everyone so shell shocked that they're unable to notice the quality or quantity of the work. Who has said this? Name names. Who has given you the quote?

Free quote from this podcast. I win writing, I win TV. I love at the end of the day, the project, like you've just filtered into everyone else's writing. It was like, guys, all the jokes are just like, Tony Abbott's a cunt, Bill Shorten's a cunt, the Dalai Lama's a cunt. That's all we've got here.

The Dalai Lama is a cunt. Yeah, they come back and Wale is going, yeah, good one, Julia. You know what's hilarious? I used to do, this isn't gear, but I did used to do a long joke about this, which is that I went to see the Dalai Lama at Radio City Music Hall and it was half full

because they had done like an extra show. And he came out and there was part of him that clearly was like, fuck. That was clearly, I was like, oh, he's a comic. He's a comic. There's like a little bit of him, like the holiest man in the world who's like not worried about material things. Like, God, this is kind of a light room.

And he's thinking, I should have been at the front flooring for myself, doing two for ones. Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, get your llama on. You and I did the hip-hop karaoke night together. You were great at that. Thank you. But very quickly on that Dalai Lama thing, that's reminded me of,

I don't think I've ever mentioned this on the show, a couple of years ago I went and saw Kendrick Lamar when he came out here. Yeah, Kendrick. Yeah, and it was at the Palace, which is like not a huge venue, and it sold out like immediately. Is that St. Kilda?

No, that's the Palais. Okay. Really? I can't see how I'd make that mistake, but yeah. So the show was sold out and it was just people going crazy for him and he gets to the end of the gig and he goes, I'm going to bring my manager out here and he brings his manager

out and he goes, this motherfucker told me that not enough people in Australia would come to see me and it wasn't worth coming out here. So what do you all have to say to that? And everyone in the crowd goes, boo, fuck you, just screaming abuse at this guy who just has to stand on stage and cop it. And you realise that's been happening every night of the tour.

He's getting to 10.30 and going, all right, here's the bit where. Fuck, what if we had been doing that in previous comedy festivals when we would have brought our manager and go, he said no one was going to come to my show and he was fucking right. Why am I here? People are getting little trophies. Yeah, we love and agree with him. That's hilarious.

Both of us agree with your manager. You have to be side of stage. He's like, I have to get back to LA. I'm looking after Nate Dogg. He's like, no, no, no. Mark, Mark, Mark, listen. You said it wasn't worth coming out here. I sold a lot of tickets and they all need to know.

Yeah. And also it's like, hey, manager, suck shit. You just made a lot of money. Boo. Yeah. He's like, he doesn't care. He's like, think of the commission. Yeah.

Think of the commission. Think of my name in the papers. That's fucking awesome, by the way. Wait, you went to a Kendrick Lamar concert? Wait, you went to a Kendrick Lamar concert? Yeah. You went to a Kendrick Lamar concert? Yeah. You did a Weird Al Yankovic song at the Rap Battle.

Yeah, yeah. You Rap Battled a Weird Al Yankovic parody of Iggy Azalea. Yeah. You went to see Kendrick Lamar. By the way, when you did Weird Al Yankovic at a karaoke night, how did that go down? Well, very well, actually. Well, so well, actually.

So this is what I was going to say. You were genuinely great at it. I think everyone else was trying to do it with this kind of veneer of irony. I did catch him in an alleyway just rapping on all haunches. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? You did. I was like, I don't know if I know this song that well. And so what happened was I actually did, I rapped a song I know this song that well. And it was, so what happened was, I actually did,

I rapped a song called Handlebars by Flowbots. Let's hear some now. No. I could, no, no. But there's a trumpet solo. And I tweeted, hey, anyone know anyone who plays a trumpet? And this guy went, I play trumpet. And I went, okay, meet me after my show

behind the hairy little sister across from the hi-fi. Wait, by the way, very quickly, I like that you, with the number of Twitter followers you have, you don't tweet, does anyone who follows me play the trumpet? You still are just asking if anyone knows someone who plays the trumpet. Yeah, I was going to say, does anyone in Melbourne know anyone who plays the trumpet? Surely no trumpet players follow me,

but hey, maybe someone will have a good lead. I have five-something thousand followers, which is enough to maybe know someone who knows someone who plays the trumpet. You've probably blocked everyone that plays trumpet. Well, the deluge since I tweeted that has just been. But I asked this guy, this guy shows up, he's like, why do you need a trumpet player? He clearly thought I was going to murder him.

And I was like, ah, you know this song here. Yeah, because it's like 11 why do you need a trumpet player? Clearly he thought I was going to murder him. And I was like... It's like 11.30 in an alleyway. Do you know the song Candlebars by Flobots? He goes, no. Well, this is it on the phone. And he goes, okay. And I went, can you play the trumpet solo? And he goes, probably not. And I went, I'll give you 50 bucks.

And he's like, I'll do my best. And here's the trumpet you're playing and then you drop trowel. Is it going out live? I'll call back to something that we were talking about before the show. But yeah, he was, so he was like a, he was from memory like a tall skinny dude with like.

Tall skinny dude with stringy hair. Nice dude, like a ska kid and like. Wearing a Cat Empire t-shirt. Yes, he was. The least hip-hop thing that's ever happened. Which I was impressed by. But then I was on stage and I went, does anyone know how to play trombone?

I said, does anyone know Handlebars by Flobots? And this guy, very trepidatiously raised his hand because I was giving him a chance to bail. I said, do you want to bail? And someone was like, are you sure? And he's like, yeah. And so I brought him on stage. And here's the thing.

He actually did fucking awesome at the trumpet solo. And so I'm like, are you sure? And he's like, yeah. And so I brought him on stage and here's the thing. He actually did fucking awesome at the trumpet solo. And everyone was like... So what happened to the old trumpet guy? What? No, it was a plant. It was like a set up. It was a plant, but I said I'm going to give you an out. I was like, I'm going to give you an out. If you don't want to do it then Matt Okina will just like bullshit

through the trumpet solo and like I'll just rap the last verse. And you'd met Matt Okina at one of Ronnie bullshit through the trumpet solo. And like, I'll just wrap the last verse. And you, you'd met Matt O'Kine at one of Ronnie Chang's legendary show. Yeah. No, I met Matt O'Kine at the meet and greet that Ronnie Chang organizes for comedians at the airport when they land.

I met O'Kine and Husey and Hilsey and, uh, and Anderson E and whatever. But you know, that's the other thing. Uh, the real joy of coming to a new country that has a distinct comedy scene is and whatever. But you know, that's the other thing. The real joy of coming to a new country that has a distinct comedy scene

is that I don't know who Dave Hughes is and I don't know who Adam Hildes is. I've seen him in the UK on his last leg thing during the actual Special Olympics,

Paralympics, and it was fucking awesome. But like, I don't know, I didn't know Will Anderson's stuff. So the joy is like, I get here and some of your big comedians I don't know, I didn't know Will Anderson's stuff. So the joy is like, I get here and some of your big comedians I don't get, but then I get to watch like

Will Anderson and fucking and Adam Hills and I'm like, these guys are exceptionally good. Like I've never seen Will Anderson before. So for you guys, it may be like, oh, well I've seen his DVDs and like this is more Will Anderson. For me, it's Will Anderson for the

first time. So it's pretty great. I didn't see his show this year. What was his trumpet solo like? I don't know. He had this guy in the audience with a Cat Empire t-shirt. I love it if that guy got up there and just panicked and just started playing The Last Post or something. Just like that. And you don't know what that is, so you're just going,

get that shit off. What sort of fucking loser song is that? Is that... Don't tell me he did it. Is that what you taught him on your phone? When you land at the airport in Melbourne, is Ronnie Chang there just playing that as you walk through the arrival gate? That's called theme to lunch. Boy, you're really fixating on this lunch thing.

You get left out of something with someone that you think is a friend and, you know, I can't help but take it to heart. And we're hungry. If you were back in New York and the fucking naked cowboy had a big lunch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That reveals so much about how you feel about the naked cowboy.

That's the Ronnie Chang of New York. Do you know that the naked cowboy was murdered by Times Square Elmo? Oh, right. Really? No, he wasn't. Oh, damn. The naked cowboy is the guy who's sitting in Times Square with underwear and plays. Oh, fuck's sake.

Yeah, you know that city that you live in. How is he world famous? I panicked. I was trying to think of a New York comedian. This qualifies as world famous. Are you kidding me? Yeah. He was in an ad campaign. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Have you not heard that saying? If you can survive Times Square, you can survive fucking Cabell because it's unbelievably oppressive, Times Square. So where do you live in New York? I live in Manhattan, but I've been through Times Square maybe five times in my life. It's horrible. That's what I love. I love the idea that when you go into Times Square, you don't see anyone from New York. I live in Manhattan, but I try to, I've been through Times Square maybe five times in my life. It's horrible. That's what I love. I love the idea that like when you go into Times Square,

you don't see anyone from New York. It's just. No, I go around it. I go around Times Square. If I get up at the Times Square stop, I walk underground to the southernmost point of Times Square so when I get up, I don't have to actually look at Times Square. Yeah. It's like, it's too much. So where do you

get your M&M's if you're not going to the M&M's store every day that's another great joke that three people can't believe follow up question which of the

Sex and the City girls would you be there's a joke about that in my show oh really oh okay that's right yeah that's right

yeah yeah it's a joke dumb cunts always ask this question the joke is I take Facebook tests and the Facebook test is like

you know what I mean? What flavor of cupcake are you? What sex in the city character are you? How much existential loneliness do you feel? And I go chocolate, Miranda, a lot. But yeah, Miranda is who I'd be. According to Facebook. Who would you be? I used to think you're more of a Carrie.

Samantha. I think Tom is all of them. Thank you very much. I think they're all part of us in a way. Those four, they just represent what our soul makes up, I think. Those are the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Well, one of them is a horseman. It was sitting there. It was like a nugget sitting on the ground. Three people cannot possibly condemn that joke. But what do you, I mean, how do you feel about American comedians who come over? Because like what is, because I know Arch,

who's like one of my favorite comedians from when I was a kid, is quite big here. Quite big, as in sells out the biggest room we have. Yes. But that's the thing, when you go to America,

and I don't think you'd mind us saying that, especially since he doesn't know me. you go to America, and I don't think you'd mind us saying that, especially since he doesn't know me, you go to America and people go, is Archbarker really big over there? Because he tells us that. Every year it happens. It may have been, you the tweet, some American comic who was visiting here for the first time this year tweeted like a week into the festival,

dear every other comic in America, I'm in Australia at the moment and yes, I can report, the rumours are true. Arj is massive here. It wasn't me but I would love to have sent that tweet. It happens every year. I love the rumours are true. I don't trust the internet. I'm going to see this shit for myself. I don't think the internet does it justice.

I saw him on a televised version version of the great debate a few years ago and I was like god it looks like an arena yeah man I'm going to tell you what the first time he invited me to lunch I was blown away

but to be clear that's not a quality thing like Icebreaker is hilarious but it's like the amount of time you spend like America more than anywhere it's like

if you're not there for a week people forget you immediately you know you just travel down here and it's going well but some also if you're a comic, there are people that you fucking admire the hell out of when you start.

He did this joke that I don't know if he's ever done it here, but it was like, I remember watching his Comedy Central Presents in like the end of the 90s or maybe 2001, and like the joke was, there were two jokes. It was a massive callback. The first joke was about this bank called Wells Fargo. That's a big

bank in the U.S. And their logo is a covered wagon. And so Art was making fun of how folksy it is. It sounds like you give your... I'm removing all the jokes from it. But the premise was it sounds like you give your money to an old prospector named Whiskey Pete. And he hides it in an old boot and buries it in the forest. And then at the end of his special,

he's talking about how people leave long phone messages. And he goes, please call back after the beep, or please leave a message after the beep.

Also, here's a dramatic reading of The Brothers Karamazov by Tolstoy. And then like, he does like a minute and a half of that. What's your favorite

bit by Arnie? Hold on, wait. Let me finish this one sentence away. And then he goes, he's like, the brothers Karamazov are wandering through the forest.

And all of a sudden, a voice from the underbrush, hi, my name is Whiskey Pete. Have any of you guys seen, it was just the first callback that, because you couldn't do a callback really in a Comedy Central Presents because it was like half an hour.

And I remember just being like, he just did the joke from the first thing. He's a time traveler. How did that work? I liked on the gala when Husey City opened a packet of snakes alive and they're all dead. Just to explain. I'm making funny.

Just to explain why Arj is so massive here. He signs a contract with every girl he sleeps with that they have to come to his show. So that's why he has 80,000 people come. Wow. Don't we all know that? Wow. Over baguettes at lunch, he told me that fact.

Carl, get back to work. Stop telling us about how many girls. Hang on. Hang on. Let me act this out. Let me act this out. Clear the floor, everyone. That guy fucks a lot of women and makes a lot of money

and sells a lot of tickets. He must be a real piece of shit. No, well, that's a good thing. He can't come back to me and go, hey, I don real piece of shit. No, well, that's a good thing. He can't come back to me and go, hey, I don't sleep with, oh, no, actually, that's

pretty cool. Why would I argue with that? He's got a girlfriend. Has he? Probably. Has he?

I don't know him. I don't know the guy. All I've said is that a lot of people go to his show and he slept with a lot of

women. They're two positives. He's a very good comedian. Who do you hate, Carl, besides Orange Barger? I don't hate Orange Barger.

Well, that's too late because the title of this podcast is Carl Hates Orange Barger. It's not true. Who do you hate? What are the aspects of comedians that you hate? Who was the last person that really annoyed you? Me, about ten seconds ago. I tried to do a long Arch Barker joke. I told you.

I told you if I don't like someone, they're not on this show. No, I believe it. But like, here's the other thing. You're making fun of other, but you're fucking very hospitable. You don't have any comics. How many international comics are like, we got to do, you let comics do spleen. Yeah. Very nice.

Hey, I'm with you. I am a great guy. Perhaps the world's greatest and best guy. I feel like, yeah. I'm glad that you've put that out. Hey, you're the sweetest comedian of the year, for fuck's sake. Yeah, exactly, that I invented. I invented that award.

I'm very, I help out a lot of people. I just make sure there's a yang to that ying. I just. That's a good way to talk about it... And the ying and the yang is very out of balance on your drawing. It's like one sliver of white. It's like the moon when it's at a crescent. Hey, I do a lot of good.

I give a lot back. But I feel like, are you just doing good things to just write off the bad things that you do? Because I don't know if that's as valid. Yeah, it's like me running so I can eat a cheesecake later on. This guy who runs shows does graphic design for other people, writes for television and is

doing a solo show is like, that guy does fucking so much for people. A lot of you being in an orange jumpsuit on the side of a highway picking up rubbish just for the hell of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This makes up for when I killed a dude. Tom, how about you? How do you find international visitors?

And, like, I mean, what's your perspective on this international comedy festival? Well, you're... Because you no longer live in Melbourne, so, you know, you're sort of like a... You are a traveller now. You're the import. International.

I love it. Yeah, I mean, the chance to see comedians, to see international comedians. The fact, you know yeah I mean the chance to see comedians see international comedians the fact you know there's maybe some bitterness about the festival

bringing over international people and spending money on it but the fact is they wouldn't be able to come otherwise and the fact that we get to see these people do shows is pretty amazing that's what made me

fall in love with comedy coming to the festival and seeing people and the fact we get to hang out with David O'Doherty and stuff because he keeps coming out

it's pretty cool I will say that it's oh sorry I will say that it's really difficult for... I was wondering how I'd feel if comedians were brought to New York that way for a New York comedy festival. They are. But there's no way I'd be able to... First I thought, what a sweetheart deal. Someone's going to pay for me to go to Australia.

It is, though. Honestly, if you're, and some comics have had it, like poor Greg Berent got sick over here, and Hari Kondabalu got really sick over here, and, you know, Mark Watson got sick over here and had to go home. And, like, for some people, this is an amazing month, but other people, it is kind of, it kind of can be a place 24 hours away from your house where you can be while your life falls apart.

And so it's a really I feel like it's essential for the festival to help us out. But yeah, if I was a local comedian, I would be bullshitting constantly. I'd be really unhappy about all this stuff.

Can you not turn the music on, please? Can you not turn the music on, please? Okay. Sorry. I'm talking to the wrong person. Hey, just very quickly on the international thing, this has just reminded me, Michael Hing yesterday told me his favorite tweet

of the comedy festival, which was, you probably saw this, like a week into the comedy festival, that Reclaim Australia rally happened. That big racist people going, everyone who's not white, get the fuck out, basically. And the comedy festival, meanwhile,

they have this outdoor program where they have like... Oh, my God, did it. It's like in Federation Square where they have, you know... The big laugh out. People juggling and stuff like that. Yeah, on this big stage. I love how you're about to say and shit and then realise that you don't want to insult anyone who is there.

No, just like all this, yeah. That's a word that you can't say on that stage either because it's quite clearly family friendly. Yeah, it's big family, yeah. It's going to be outdoors. So it's meant to be happening on the big stage at Federation Square. Then that day, the Reclaim Australia rally descends upon Federation Square

and so the festival just send out a tweet going, yeah, the big laugh out's been moved for today. which i kind of would have had a lot of respect for them if they had just just gone up against the reclaim australia rally no i i would have loved to see like trigby wakenshaw or something like that just doing like his mime for the children just the ongles performing to a bunch of skinheads would have been that would have gotten the Barry. I mean, that would have been something to see. That would have been hilarious. Ladies and gentlemen, Nazeem Hussain.

We'll be headlining today's proceedings. Alright, well I think that brings us to the end of the podcast for another week. Guys, good of you to come in here and do a bit of sweet promo on the last day of the festival. Hey, it's all about Sizzling Up. Where can we see you in 2016?

Yeah, let's hype it up. Let's get the advanced hype going. Take a pun on what you think you're going to call your show next year. Oh, yeah, great. Tom Ballard's lunch party. Boy, Carl will not let this go. Lunch for everyone except Carl. Oh, well, I would like to plug my Sydney dates

please for any of our Sydney listeners and I would love you to come to see me at the Comedy Store on Thursday April 30th and Friday May 1st as part of the

Sydney Comedy Festival Taxis of Rainbows and Hatred and also Perth I'm doing Four Nights in Perth and I would love people to come to those shows too Nice and Sydney Comedy Store

officially the best venue to see comedy in, in the country. Really? Yeah, it's awesome. I'm there for the first time. I don't know if this will go out by then, but I'm there for the first time on the 23rd,

so I don't think this will go out. We'll plug it. Yeah, we'll plug it. That'd be nice. I don't know if anyone will buy tickets. I'm stepping in for a very sick Greg Berent, so I'm doing my... But the happy part of that is

I get to go to fucking Sydney and I've never been before. That's why... By the way, that's the reason American comedians say yes initially to Melbourne because they're like, oh yeah, we gotta go to Australia.

No one ever... Because it's not a chance to get often, but like, I can't wait to go to Sydney. I've never been. I hear they have this opera house that's fucking awesome. No, that's bullshit.

Have you played the opera house, Carl? I hear that they have comedy there. Have you seen my room in Melbourne? But no, I hear they have this opera house that's fucking awesome no no that's bullshit have you played the opera house Carl I hear that they have comedy there have you seen my room in Melbourne but no Carl's told shit about people in the

foyer of the opera house don't they have a bunch of don't they have a bunch of different rooms where like Eddie Yift played the opera house here

and I asked him about it and he's like yeah it's a smaller room but yeah sorry my name's Alex Edelman,

so my Twitter handle is Alex. Did we not bring that up earlier? Barely. It's Alex underscore Edelman on Twitter. I'm doing a show at the Comedy Store, the last international showing of my show ever, and it's called Millennial, and it's there on the 23rd of April

I would really like for you to tell friends and enemies yeah let's do it hopefully you'll be back next year and people can I had an amazing time

if they have me back next year I will be over the moon that is awesome yeah it's the coolest festival we'll put in a word thank you

I have my Sydney dates to plug May the 7th 9th and 11th. Fuck. At the Factory Theatre. Sounds convenient. Tickets through TommyDaslo.com. Are you doing the show that I saw at the Imperial?

Oh yeah, you saw the end of that show. Yeah, I'm doing that. And you'll have t-shirts. I'm not doing a show. I'm not doing a show up there, so you bring t-shirts up. Yeah. Cool. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.