The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 240 - Daniel Sloss & Dilruk Jayasinha

Episode Date: May 12, 2015

Booty Calls, Cheap Jordans and Getting Milan'd.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, thank you very much for joining us and sitting next to me on the floor, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead, vital information, thanks for bringing the visual into the podcast. Yeah, just so people know, I'm towering over you Like Lord Mark Sitting on my little throne And you're on the floor Like a bad little boy

Not metaphorically Just that's Actually what's happening So Yeah Yeah Good content We're on tour tonight

We're in We're doing a late night Late night podcast In a fancy hotel room The best The best location of all In the world Yeah The best place you can be in Yeah A hotel room. The best location of all in the world. The best place you can be in. A hotel room.

The Mantra Hotel room 1116. Come find us. Wait, you're only here tonight, right? We can put this out. Yeah, I'm all yet. Let's add this to the little Dumb Dumb Club reality tour. See if anyone else gets my booty calls now. Just some old businessman.

Let's introduce you. That voice belongs to Daniel Sloss. Yay. That would be cool now, people, if they just like really want to have sex in the same room that they know Daniel Sloss has had sex in. Yeah. The Mantra Hotel. Hang on, is Daniel Sloss going to have sex tonight?

Is that what we're saying? Oh, no, no, just the room he's been in. Oh, right. You know? But, hey, maybe you will. I mean, it's 11.30 at night. And I haven't checked Tinder. You haven't what? I haven't checked Tinder. Oh, right. You know? But hey, maybe you will. I mean, it's 11.30 at night. I haven't checked Tinder. You haven't what?

I haven't checked Tinder. Oh, you haven't checked Tinder. I thought you said I haven't checked in. As in you've just like broken into this room. This is all happening completely illegally.

Some people can pick logs. I can pick electric logs. Yeah, you just get your bank card and it turns out it opens the door. Yeah. It's really surprisingly easy. Also joining us on the show this evening,

you know him from pretty much just this show. It's crook what you've done there. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Dilruk Jai Singer, a very ill-sounding Dilruk Jai Singer. Very gluggy. As former guest Mike Goldstein said, you're a gluggy window loser. Oh, nice. So Daniel,

are you a regular visitor to Sydney? You do Sydney and Perth festivals a lot. This is actually your first ever time in Melbourne. First ever time in Melbourne. What an absolute waste of an evening to sit here and do a podcast in your hotel room. Yeah, you're talking about having body calls. Instead, you got three unknown comedians from Melbourne.

You got a potty call. I can't express how disappointed I was when my door received a knock and I opened to you three guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, okay. It did feel like that today. Like we put in a request on Twitter with you today. We went, oh, can you do a podcast?

You're like, yeah, yeah, sure. And then we never heard anything for six hours. It was like you were trying to find anything else to do for six hours. Just looking through like the set of my time. He's been like, it's fucking shattered. And that great thing you can do where you just bail out of a thing and you just blame the internet. You're like, sorry, man, I didn't check Twitter until a month later.

I don't have Australian Twitter. Yeah. I also did that thing where we walked through the corridor and then I knocked on the door and went, fuck, I should have double checked that number. So when you opened the door it was a very pleasant surprise because I thought, oh, I've done a bad thing here. You know what was unsettling is that we were able to get into the lift and get on the floor without anyone sort of swiping us in

or anything like that. That's rare in a nice hotel like this, isn't it? Usually you have to get, yeah. Well, yeah, I appreciate that because, uh, the amount of times I've had to go down to the lobby. Yeah. To like let a friend in. Yeah.

And I look like I've ordered a prostitute. Yeah. Like, I'm just like the sad fucking half. I'm like, I'm just gonna let, I'm just, I'm just lady who I'm gonna let in.

So anyone who's listening to this podcast, who's a friend of yours, who's come to visit you in a hotel, just know that Daniel thinks that you look like a prostitute. I mean, I'm paying them to be there and they're sucking my dick. But that's a sign of a developed country where they're going to give you the benefit of the doubt because in Thailand,

if you go to Thailand, not that, you know, I just happen to know this fact, but in Thailand... You've heard this second hand. No, I did go to Thailand with some friends a couple of years ago and they were outraged every night when a certain person would bring a girl back to his room he would get charged every night for that

you get charged to bring someone back to your room every night yeah you get charged extra it's like a corkage yes exactly corkage that's one of the because I've done the opposite that's why that's why I argue you charge them to come in and stay with me've done the opposite That's why I argue Well you pay You charge them

To come in and stay with me I'm the opposite of a prostitute I phone people and I'm like Do you want to fuck me? Forty dollars People you know Or are you just dialing random numbers? I'm just dialing random numbers

Just by the sound of the voice Do you want to fuck me? Are you bringing Tinder to the phone? I'm taking technology backwards What do you think of this voice? Swipe left? Swipe right? Are you bringing Tinder to the phone? I'm taking technology backwards. What do you think of this voice? Swipe left, swipe right? Because it is that thing in a hotel,

if you go and you meet a girl that night, you can always bring them back. I've had times when I've been in the UK and I've been staying at a hotel and I've got a friend that needs a place to crash. I'm like, I'll just stay at my hotel. And he's like, we'll have a crash. I was like, no, no, let's just pretend to be like a gay couple because like, I'll just pretend I'm gay. And I've picked you up on a night

out because if they say no, that's, that's front page news. Oh, what is fine? Like, oh, I can bring home a straight booty call, but I can't. So yeah, the amount of hotel lobbies I've walked through holding one of my friend's. Oh really? Oh, works a treat. Just dare them. What's the sex life? I mean, it's weird to go through with it. When there's absolutely no need, when no one's checking up. I'm a method actor.

If I'm going to have to walk awkwardly tomorrow through the lobby again. There it is. We're just waiting to see when we stepped over. I like that you're like, you're so, you get so cocky about that scheme working and then you're like, you know what? You're not generally allowed pets in the hotel. I'm going to try and bring this in.

You're just walking in and they're like, no, you're not allowed pets. I'll have you know, I'm going to fuck this dog in that room. How dare you? I've got half a mind to call the papers right now. Oh, so let me guess. Dogs aren't people to you, are they? No. Didn't know we weren't in one of these backwards countries.

Alright, Australia. See you 50 years ago. Come on, pause. Daniel Sloss, I'll ask you this because this is what's happened on the way to the podcast today. This is what gets brought up and this is something, this is content that these people didn't want on this podcast. But I'm sure that you're going to be of the similar mind of me.

We walk past a place. These two here, Dilrub and Tommy, say, oh, this is the place. That's a massage place that we went in together a week ago. Already interesting. All right? Already interesting. That's got your interest already. These two.

He just told us a story about Pretending to fuck his friends In order to get them to stay in a hotel for free Exactly Exactly That was a fairy tale story We're in the real world here Massage is a step down from that

Come on, let's not get the back word That's a made up story That was a funny made up story Truth is stranger than fiction Let's get to the truth word. Come on. That's a made-up story. That was a funny made-up story. Truth is stranger than fiction. Let's get to the truth. So we walk past a massage place. These two funny little fellows have decided,

have told me that they've gone in to add a massage together, which is already an interesting story. Yeah, it's already interesting. I just don't see why that's that weird. Like another friend of mine said that to me. I don't want to be relaxed around my friends. But we're not in the same fucking room. Like we're in different rooms. It wasn't a couple. Okay, we did go to a steam bath before that.

Yeah. But it's the fact that you made the decision together. Like if you bumped into each other, fine. But the fact is you were both together. What if you ever bumped into a man and go, hey, what are you doing now? You look stressed. I never go for massages. Oh, you don't? Oh man, you're missing out. What if you have a bum to do a med going, hey, what are you doing now? You look stressed. I never go for massages.

Oh, you don't? No. Oh, man, you're missing out. Oh, no, I know. Whenever I have them, I'm always like, I deserve more. But I'm also,

I'm so aware of my white privilege. I'm just like, I just can't do it. Unless it's like a six foot tall white guy doing it to me. I just, I'm like, this is awful.

This is the way. And that's not a relaxing massage. Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey. See how far left I lean? Look at me on my liberal high horse. Come on, white privilege. Yeah. Your liberal high horse that you snuck into this

hotel by pretending that you fuck it. Yeah. Got him. Her name is Shadowfax and we all know her. She's beautiful. So, these two shady characters have gone in and had a massage together. We were funny guys before

and now all of a sudden we're shady characters. Jesus Christ. I've downgraded you. So, well, maybe this is because of the next point that I'm going to bring up. So, these guys go in

for the massage together. They bring that up very, very casually. I've already gone bang and grabbed hold of that and gone, that's interesting enough to talk about. Then the last bit of the conversation is, oh, yeah, that's the place where we got offered masturbation at the end of our massage. It's not masturbation if someone else does it for you.

Yeah, offered masturbation. That's a wristy. Sorry, I didn't use the technical term. Of course it's masturbation if someone else does it for you. Do you masturbate someone else? Do you masturbate to someone else? Can you masturbate to someone else? Masturbation is self-simulation. Is it?

Yeah. No. I'm an expert at that. Trust me. If anyone has a PhD in masturbation. Only because no one else has ever touched you, so you don't know the word for it. No, Dill's the Oxford Dictionary and all the pages are stuck together.

It's the one that isn't stuck because we want to know how to do it. The Oxford Dictionary, yeah. So funnily enough, coincidentally enough, you also never found out the word for malnutrition as well. It would have been a good riff if you didn't fuck up the pronunciation. Okay, with the Ristys, the Pamela Henderson and her five sisters Oh great One more

Now this isn't me I've never had one of those And I will be honest about most things So this isn't me A genuine friend who I won't name Because people will know him Has had A big fan of the old wristie

At the end of a massage and raised the very interesting debate which I'm going to pose to you of his argument is that's not cheating oh he's only got a partner no no no he doesn't have a partner well then it's definitely not cheating

oh dear god I felt so guilty. Hey, if I put my dick in the sewer and I don't have a girlfriend, is that allowed? I mean in the fact that he's recently got into a relationship and I was like, oh, would you still? And he was like, yeah, of course I would because that's not cheating. There's nothing sexy about it. Yeah, I think you then get into that thing that some people have,

and couples do have, defined boundaries of it, of how emotional is it? Because there's no emotional connection in paying a stranger to... If my girlfriend were to blow a guy and guzzle his cum, I would be less upset about that than if they read a book together. Oh, right. Okay. Really? Yes, of course.

Because that's like... Because the book's your thing. That's how you get off. Look, if my girlfriend who doesn't exist goes out one night, gets drunk, fucking decides to blow a couple of guys, glazes herself like a donut, looks like a candle maker's desk, whatever. We get it. Like, it's sad.

I've got one. A painter's radio. A painter's radio, whatever. We get it. Like it's sad. I've got one. A painter's radio. Yeah. I'm so glad I finally had an excuse to say that on the podcast. Like fine. Not fine with it, but I'm definitely more upset if she watches two episodes of Game of Thrones with him that we've not watched together.

Yeah. Cause like sex is, but you can watch an episode of Game of Thrones with like... I mean like the emotional connection. If they were hugging... Not even hugging, but if they were just having a really deep, meaningful conversation. Really? I think it's sweet that you're so trusting with your

non-existent girlfriend. You guys are great together. But you know that she's more likely to do the Game of Thrones scenario than she is to do the guzzling heaps of cum. See, for me, I would have a problem with it for the specific use of the phrase guzzling. That's what would really bother me.

Guzzling. When I say guzzling, she's a classy lady obviously. Sipping. It's a fine glass. Pinky extended. Pinky up during the resting. Before she sucked the dick, like she's tried a bit of it. It's more of a winery tour

where she's trying a lot of them and then spitting them out afterwards. Yeah, yeah. And you get given a sample at the start and you just don't get all of it, just a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can still drive afterwards.

So she sees a real gentleman. She sees a real gentleman. She sees a real gentleman. He doffs his foreskin to her and she's like... I mean, the worst bit was much like the wine. The guy was six years old. That was the worst. You can taste the tannins. Yeah, 2009, that was a good year, to be fair.

Oh, Jesus. Okay, there's a question do you reckon here's science that'll never happen do you reckon it does the semen does have like the taste of semen has changed over the years oh yeah because there's there's definitely no universe university that's testing that yeah yeah yeah but that would be because the way diets change they always talk about how diets change over the year. We've gone from fucking berries to more carb-based things. Surely the taste of semen's changed. Because there's reports

that come out every single day. Like, I do some work at the... Coming out, pun intended. I work at the TV show where a lot of that sort of press release comes through. You're going through

the internet... Press release, pun intended. Mostly, but yeah. It's good, It's good. I press it down when I release it. You can name the show that you work on, The Cum News. The Cumment Affair. Here comes the news.

60 milliliters. That sounds like a lot. Hey, they've got a lot of program to fill. That's a three-day abstinent one. You know when you haven't whined for like four days and then you suddenly surprise yourself? Yeah. Man, I'll be so freaked out if I just find scales under your bed you've been weighing your cum but anyway what's like you weigh yourself before and after a wank

write it on the wall try and beat your own record yeah that would be awesome if i found scales that that you measure yourself on milliliters your whole body's milliliters. Oh, no. No, no. I do it in stone. That's how long... That's my next trick for my next Weight Watchers meeting. Yeah. But those sort of reports come out every day on the internet, but they're always those bizarre ones where it's like, people are getting stressed,

and we can show on these scientific surveys that people are more stressed than they were even 10 years ago and you're like what there'd be like 10 of those surveys a day but you never like you said you're never gonna find aap putting out a press release going you know what cum is tasting better than in the 90s it's only been tasting better and better they're gonna have to because there's people who like you would have seen plenty this where they're like a new study has found and it's just the most obtuse fact it's like who gives a shit why did anyone bother to study this it's always just like science recently said like who is science yeah yeah one guy yeah my point is they'll get through there'll be nothing else left to study and they'll just be a scientist in a lab somewhere going guys

the day has finally arrived we're gonna have to have to do the sperm thing. We knew this day would come. Everything's crossed off the whiteboard. Time to do the how's cum tasting over the ages thing. Then we're done. Then we can all go home. Then we can all retire from science forever. You can sample data from the 1920s. It's weird that you call your semen data.

Did I say data? Oh, data. Data. I'm downloading it right now. Yeah, well, if there's any truth to the idea that pineapple juice helps make it taste better, I don't know, I've never tested it, if anyone. Like how all three of us looked at sloths. You know what, let's look in the minibar.

If there's pineapple juice in there, let's just go for it right now. Let's do it now. Let me guzzle some pineapple juice. Let's find out if Toblerone makes your cum taste better. That'll be in the fridge. Let's find out if spending 80 bucks on a snack makes your cum taste better. Only if you're cumming on the Toblerone. Or it would be worse if you cum in pineapple juice and it makes the pineapple juice taste

better maybe it works both ways it's a sign of bad pineapple juice we'll see about that um so so you yep yep i want to honor we'll break this up a little bit uh i want to say this uh you've got your own you got your own website, TommyDastlow.com, yeah? Dilruk, have you Dilruk? Have you got yours? There's a domain named DilrukJ.com. Oh, really? That's all I have. You haven't gone with the full

No. Daniel just said off mic while pouring a glass of wine, oh, because someone else is going to steal it. Just for the people at home. Did you talk in the wine glass yeah um what did you go

priority you saw my priorities there completely fair enough yeah so you didn't go you can take a shit during this if you want just don't be trying

to yell out content while you're in there if you don't have a mic with you yeah don't waste that shit so let's get that shit

mic'd up so why haven't you gone with the full Dilruk Jaisingha? Because it's sort of my Twitter and Instagram is all Dilruk J. So I thought I'd keep it consistent. I reckon you shouldn't have even had the J. What is the full name? Jaisingha. Yeah, so no one's going to spell that, are they?

Yeah. Dilruk J. I've already given up by the time I've gone to the front. I'm like, ah. She came up when I walked through the door. That's one of the times I'm so thankful for the Google, did you mean? I'm like, I probably did. Yeah, yeah, ah. He came up when I walked through the door. That's one of the times I'm so thankful for the Google, did you mean? I'm like, I probably did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just throwing out Scrabble letters, and Google's like, Jason John Whitehead? Very funny Canadian comic. Yeah, yeah. Can I make a suggestion, Dilruk? How about you get- Dilruk.

Dilruk, sorry. Leave here. Found brand. Jump on whatever the thing where you buy a domain name is. Yeah, yeah. Can I make a suggestion, Dilruk? How about you get – Dilruk. Dilruk, sorry. Leave here. Found brand. Jump on whatever the thing where you buy a domain name is, disgustingfatfuck.com.au. No, that's just only dum-dum fans. Yeah, exactly. No, you know what?

Buy it so that if you type it in, it'll direct you to Dilruk. Yeah, yeah, because then no one needs to learn how to spell your last name. We just find – everyone knows how to spell disgustingfatfuck.com. Just so that Daniel knows what we're talking about It's just a running joke I think he looked at you I think he knows What you're talking about

Same thing happened With Adam You got erect When we said Toblerone Before I think he knows Yeah you started Tasting your own cum

When I said Toblerone So we figured it out What So Daniel Sloss You got danielsloss.com You started tasting your own cum when I said Toblerone, so we figured it out. What? So, Daniel Sloss, you got danielsloss.com, I'm assuming, .co.uk? Both, I think. Both?

Yeah, yeah, nice one. But you're big enough that you got web gremlins doing that stuff for you, don't you? You know what I mean? You're not logging into WordPress and doing your own. Do you know who's doing it? Who? My mother.

Oh, great. My mother oh my mother runs my Facebook and my internet are you serious yeah what do you mean when she runs

your Facebook does she say hey you can see Daniel here my son is gonna be no so she's pretending to be you

no she's like oh this Tinder daddy's so hot right now yeah yeah is she running your Tinder oh god I would

love to see I would love to see. I would love to. I thought that would be a good experiment to give my mum Tinder for just an hour and see what woman she set me up with. Yeah. God, I will do that with her. I'll do that with her. That would be actually awesome.

That's a great reality show idea. Yeah. That's a great dating show idea. Tinder mum. Tinder mum. Tinder mum. That's actually good. Yeah.

Swipe left if you think he's a good little boy. Well, it's like my little boy It's like my culture It's like an arranged marriage It's just an arranged fuck Arranged fuck That's gotta be the name of the show I thought Tinder mum was a good name Arranged fuck

Arranged root But then I've gotta give it to my mum The way the show is She's got to She's got to do the first opening lines. Like, so, yeah, I've got to see how bad my mum is at chatting at women. Yeah. Like, hello, I'm a lovely, charming young boy, and I like...

I'm like, oh, mum, no. No, and that's the challenge. Your mum gets an hour of chat, and then you have to come back and salvage it. And if you manage to pull the root off, if you manage to undo your mum's bad work, you get some kind of prize A charity gets money

I think the root is the prize I would just be Because so many times I wouldn't want my Very interesting What my mother thought my type was I think in your mother's head Anyone like what she thinks This is what I'll end up with

As opposed to what I go for She would be like I raised Satan but she may be like that thing you know when your mum buys you a present and she puts you clothes for Christmas and you go

you are so way off the female equivalent but would it not be way grosser if she nails it yeah yeah this girl turns up and you're like

oh Jesus you are you're exactly what Daniel used to wank over to when he was 14 like she's checked my browsing history and she's managed to get it spot on

your Christmas present analogy it's like what you're like there going mum for the last time I'm not gonna fuck a pair of socks or no no you're more like

don't buy me anything mum just give me a gift voucher my friends Tommy and Dill know a good massage place that you can get at I wasn't sure they should bring this up or not but because I listen to Tofob My friends Tommy and Dill know a good mess up place I wasn't sure they should bring this up or not Because I listen to Tofob And a really really funny

Will Anderson's podcast I think anyone who listens to this probably knows about Tofob To be honest Nobody's going to go that little other podcast We like to give the new guys a shout out The big cruise ship The way the little dinghy sort of floating alongside While we're at it

Barnacle I'd like to plug another tiny little show Called the Colbert Report Little known thing No one really knows it While I sit in your fridge Shout out to Coke as well Hey oxygen's great guys

Give it a crack But what happened was You and Will were talking about Stuff While I sit in your fridge, shout out to Coke as well. Hey, oxygen's great, guys. Give it a crack. But what happened was you and Will were talking about stuff and you got onto sex and you were talking about how you're about to admit something and you said, okay, I know my mum listens to this. So, mum, whatever you do, please skip the next two minutes. Oh, yeah, it was about eating pussy. Yeah, and he just goes, all right, mum, I hope you switch it off. I love eating pussy.

And that's how he started. You talked about that. And then, do you remember what happened afterwards? So he just goes on. So people hit him up on Twitter? She listened to the whole fucking podcast, obviously, because she's my mother and she's a bitch. Hey, wait, is she going to listen to this?

Oh, totally. Right on. G'day, Mrs. S. G'day, Mrs. S. Mrs. S, yeah. Yeah, she listened to it. People tweeted at her. I can't remember what she said, but I can guarantee it was embarrassing. Well. S, yeah. Yeah, she listened to it. People tweeted at her. And then I can't remember what she said,

but I can guarantee it was embarrassing. Well, right, okay. Because she said, I think people are asking her, did you listen to what Daniel had to say? And what he had said was, I love you, pussy. And she had replied and said, look, all I'll say is this, you're your father's son. Oh, yeah.

Wrecked. Wow. Oh, wow. Thatrecked. Oh, wow. That is excellent. Brutal. Just nuclear that entire conversation. There's no coming, there's nothing after that. That's what my mother thrives

on. I love, that's very funny. Brutal misuse of the phrase is all I'll say is this. It's like, that's not holding anything back. As if she's like phrase is all I'll say is this. It's like, that's not holding anything back. Like, that's, you know what I mean? As if she's like, okay, I'll go into further detail. But somehow she still remained classy because she, oh, she's, oh, yeah.

No, she's a very, yeah, sophisticated. She's a sophisticated bitch. She's always had counseling. This goes for my father as well. My father just isn't on Twitter. He's too busy eating puss that felt like a race to just which one of us is going to get it

he's on Twitter to be fair he should be buried no no no you mean gash tag can we put this podcast out in a plastic bag? Let's leave this podcast up the bush when we're done with it. When you're listening to this podcast,

listen to it wearing a full body condom. Both my parents are equally... Because their thing is, I say horrible things about them on stage They're like Dude we wiped your fucking ass Like I've seen your penis Like I barfed you That must be weird

It's like we made this And now he's up there Fucking ripping us in front of all these people Yeah no I've also My parents raised me My parents raised me in the perfect way of like, hey,

look, we'll be your friends until you're being a cunt. And that's the perfect way. Anytime you're being a cunt, I'll turn into mum and I'll fucking knock you around.

But until then, we're mates. When was the last time you pushed the boundary and you went into contentry? It should have been a while now. How old are you now?

It's been a while. I'm 24 now. Yeah, right. It's been a while. Once I got into stand-up and once we started like... Getting your life together. Yeah, once I got... No, no.

I mean, once I was... Once I stopped hiding shit from my parents, once I was more honest about fucking smoking weed and being a bit of a slut, they were sort of like, okay, as long as... Because I wasn't giving them the false illusion of this fucking kid. I wasn't like, okay, as long as, because I wasn't giving them the false illusion of this fucking kid. I wasn't like,

hey, mum and dad, I'm going to go to university and invent the moon or whatever fucking shit. I don't know where you go to university for. I've clearly never been.

Yeah, they kind of just were like, because they're both huge comedy fans as well, like huge comedy fans. And they were my age once. They're both like, yeah, fucking dude, we know. And the stakes are high now.

Like if you act up now and your mum's saying, I'll be your friend until I need to really mum you. Now that she's in control of your Facebook and your website, the stakes are pretty high. Like if you fuck up, she's got control of that account. Tonight Daniel's show is cancelled because he's grounded. All refunds can be made from this piggy bank. So we were...

Obviously something's happening with your website. Website, website. You said Dilrug J. You know what? Before that, I've got another segue I want to do. It's reminding me of something else. Dil, because you told me a story a couple of weeks ago that I was very that I'd be very happy to hear again now that Tommy hasn't heard,

which is we were... There must be a reason I only told you and not Tommy. Oh, there definitely is. We've just come from Comedy at Splane tonight, so it was born there. I really enjoyed your host tonight. We did a gig at Comedy at Explained a few months ago. I tried to elicit, hey, good job today, Dil.

No, fuck you. That's for off mic. We don't need you officially doing a good job. So at the end of Comedy Explained a few months ago, we met some comedy fans, some girls at the end of the gig. No, I can't read that. Yeah, of course we can. We can talk about anything when there's still a rook.

I know, so intrigued. Yes, exactly. I'm intrigued, but you know what? Now having had this done to me on this podcast a number of times, you think he's obviously fucking loved what's about to come. That's what I'm saying. That's what she said. No, no, it's a great story. Let's about to come. That's what I'm saying. That's what she said. No, no, no.

It's a great story. Let's tell the story. Is it as sexual? No, it's not as sexual. All it is is. It's not that sexual. Yeah. Now I'm even more intrigued.

Yeah, this is good. I'm no, just to clarify, I'm no lying on my belly. Yeah, yeah. On the bed like a girl. You're now hiding above. I've got my face down so none of us can see any form of erection. Oh, you'll see it when my ass suddenly goes up in the air. No, because parties involve listening to this.

Even better. Oh, you mean the pussy party? I think it's a bit rude Don't you think Carl Not at all You're just talking to me in confidence Come on Let's tell it and find out Fuck it's got to stay

I'll be the judge I'll be the moderator Okay and if it's a terrible story I can promise you one thing No no no It's a good story It just shouldn't be recorded Okay well

If it's at the stage Where you're uncomfortable telling it, I will also top it with any other story. Because I guarantee I'll have a worse one. No, no, it's not. I just feel bad for them. I'm fine with it. If it's someone who listens to the show, then hey, they've got to appreciate the need for good content.

Yeah, exactly. I just hope you know, from this perspective, there are people in cars or on buses on the way, who are being like, just tell the fucking story. And then people have like skipped forward like the little 15 second thing that you could do

on the podcast app and they've gone too far. It's a bit mean though. Okay, all right. It's not mean at all. But then again, also will this end up in a blog about bullying?

The internet can go two ways. It can either be two ways of fuck you for not doing it or you guys are bullies. Yeah, I think if we were going to get called out on that on this show, it would have happened a long time ago. I'll tell the story and you guys decide. I actually genuinely think it's not nice.

Okay, sure. It's not not nice at all. It's fuck you, Charlie. But also, you've got to stop saying it's not not nice because no one believes that you're an accurate barometer of that. All right, I'll say... Wouldn't this be great if I just... I think the preamble has been pretty good.

Like, I'll just leave the preamble in and cut the story out. If you're just like, okay, so I killed this girl. Her last words were, love the podcast. Oh, so you drugged her before she died. I love that if there's someone dead in this story and I'm going, no, but this is still good content. You've got to leave this in. They would appreciate good content.

What if I leave everything else and I just isolate the story, put the story on Bandcamp and charge 50 bucks for it? You might actually. Okay. How do you want to get into it? You start. Let's start. So we did a gig at Spleen. We were talking to some girls afterwards.

You're a single man. You were talking to a couple of girls. One of the girls was talking to me briefly. I left. I thought, you're a single man. You've got some girls to talk to here. Can I say, and I've noticed this in the past, the way you talk about single people is it's like

you're an alien. It's like you've been... Well, he's 40, so he can't remember what it's like to be single. The way you dance around, you're a single man. Just say he's single. So, Dil, you're single. So, you're happy. You get to make your own decisions.

You're free Yeah That was the initial meeting And then you said to me a little bit later Oh, so I A couple of months later Yeah There'd been a

Oh, Carl, this is horrible I'll decide whether they get into the podcast There were a couple more times we met up with these girls And, you know, I've been There was different bases or whatever but nothing ever finished you know and one night which is fine you're a single man and you you know you're hooking up with a lady that's a single lady and the two of you are being intimate you were meeting up at the discotheques you're like you're like when old people try to guess what game consoles are called.

Oh, so here you got one of those X-Stations 9000s with the old Call of Fables. Was that the one? The old Halo Modern Warfare. My nan once asked if I was going to go have a play of my Playboy. The ultimate. And I was. Yeah, yeah.

All right, so one of the final sort of dalliances. I don't know if that word is correct. You sound like him. I just said, look, we've been, you know, bouncing around this for a couple of weeks. I'm just putting it out there. I just want it. I just said, look, we've been, you know, bouncing around this for a couple of weeks. I'm just putting it out there. I just want to – I said I actually just want to have sex. I want to fuck.

Like why do we keep bullshitting this? My place is around the corner. Let's just go have sex. She goes, yeah, look, I've thought about it too. And I think I'll be into it. But there's someone else that I have a massive crush on and I'm sort of saving myself for, but there's someone else that I have a massive crush on, and I'm sort of saving myself for them.

Saving myself as in? Yeah, just in case that comes through. Oh, but not losing a virginity? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You, boy. No, no, that virginity is gone a long time ago. Yeah, so now the story gets horrible. And I was like, oh, really? Oh, I was like, well, I respect that.

I was like, hang on, so you've only been in town a little while. Is there anyone I know? She goes, yep. And I said, oh, well, tell me. She goes, I can't. Can't you know them? I was like, no, tell me. Who is it that you don't want to sleep with?

If it's me, this is the best story. And she goes, no, it's Carl Chandler. Oh, what a great story. I told you it was a good story. Tommy. We can't see. Can you see why he wanted it to come out so badly? Did you hear the story?

Tommy, did you hear the story? I could honestly, from a neutral perspective, I thought that story was going to be so horrible the way it was built up. I did realize it was just your way of being like, did anyone see this review of a show? I just stumbled across this review of a show. It's from the perspective of the person involved. They listen to the podcast.

They like him. And now he's gotten me to repeat the story. Are you a single man? No. But also, like, why do you want that to come out when it's a woman whose tastes are Dilruch and you? You're that. That's you.

No, no, I beat that. You're in that same. I beat that. That's you. No, no, I beat that. You're in that same. I beat that. But, yeah, good on you, mate. Fucking well done. Hey, was the end of the story Tommy Daslow? No. No, it wasn't.

I'm getting cock-blocked by Carl. Yeah, yeah. That's a good story. So right now, presumably, she's flicking the bin, listening to your voice. Yeah. Talk dirty to her for a little bit, Carl. Talk dirty for like just five, just give her some. bin listening to your voice. Yeah. Talk dirty to her for a little bit, Carl. Talk dirty for like just five.

Just give her some. She listens to our podcast. She's just sat through this humiliation for what felt like about four fucking hours. Come on, just give her a little bit to go on. All right, whack down the pantaloons. We can't keep this, man. Keep going, baby. What was the other story that you were actually going to get into

before you got sidetracked by this? About your website. About your own fucking ego, you cunt. It was just about this other time that he walked in the street and a girl looked at him. Yeah, it was the girl at reception on the way in. The website. So that's why I'm trying to go through.

You guys, your website's TommyDassler.com. Go and visit that. You've got all your gig. I've got my gig listings. I've got some drawings on there. I've got, yep. Well put together website. You've got plenty of content.

Fuck, what a run up. Yeah. So my point is your mum wants to root me. Don't make callbacks. Do you guys like dates and pictures? Welcome to TommyDazzolo.com. I sell calendars. It's both of your favourite things.

Dates and pictures. I've got all my gig dates and become a date yourself. So I got a website a couple of years ago. But that criminal thing is that I've learned over the years is that you've got to pay for people to do stuff. You can't get your mates to do stuff for you because I got my mate to make a website for me. It was fine.

He was web hosting it. It's like when you get someone to do something for free, they're not going to do it properly, are they? No. Like your guest on this podcast. That's why I'm just chipping in every couple of seconds. And I'm holding back the best three comebacks in my head. And I'm giving you the fourth version.

I'm like, that's funny, that's funny, that's funny. That's okay. They'll get that one. Totally fair enough. But no, I mean, you can get good stuff out of people for free, but you lose the right to, if it's not being done exactly how you want, if it's taking a little bit too long, you can't really crack the loop. You lose the right to complain.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So for the last couple of years, I've had my website up. I try and keep it extremely simple so that you're not, you know, badgering someone to make something, you know, spend time on something for nothing. So anyway, around the same time every year,

someone will email me and go, hey, went to your website. It's not up anymore. I'm like, oh, what's this mean? And I go there. It's been like a 12-month contract or whatever. My friend hasn't renewed it again. You can't complain too much because, you know, you should be paying for it yourself.

You should do it yourself. Yeah. So then you hit him up and go, oh, look, hey, mate, my website renewed it again. You can't complain too much because you should be paying for it yourself. You should do it yourself. So then you hit him up and go, oh, look, hey, mate, my website's down again. Can you fix that up? Oh, yeah, I'll get around to that. A couple of weeks later, it's still not up. Hey, can you do this? Oh, okay. So that's happened for two or three years.

I'm a bit busy at the moment. I'm sort of saving myself for hopefully Dilrok Jaising asked me to do his website. Good. Let's get as many callbacks as we can so that story stays in. Yes. So. Why am I doing this to myself? It's just going to be me editing it out.

No. No. Dilbrook story. That was great. Remember that? Dilbrook. Dilbrook. So, this happened again recently.

A couple of weeks ago, someone emails me, hey, I just went to your website to see if you were doing any dates in Sydney. Your website's down this story already sounds like a lie just another one

of those classic stories I just want to bring that up someone was looking for me in Sydney someone wanted to see me in Sydney what else has been going on guys feels real good man

so some guy was like You've only like Like pretty much You've only sold out Seven of the eight dates And I'm trying to get Tickets for the last one It's just

But he's got them now So what were we talking about guys? So I hit up my friend And go hey I've got this website I check out my website Myself

It's down There's nothing there Could you fix it up? Oh I'm going on holidays I've got a weekend off. I'm going away. Okay, cool. He comes back. Can you check that again? Oh, man, I'm going home tonight, you know.

So I go, oh, this. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. This guy uses any excuse. Yeah, so it's literally, but it's that thing where it's my mate. He's doing it for nothing. So the weeks go on and on and on. So I don't want to complain at him, but I will pass over a great sleeve bitch about and on and on. So I don't want to complain at them, but I will pass over a great sleeve picture by them on a podcast. Well, I feel like I've earned the right to because then this is what happens.

We should be asking to post the link to this podcast. It's like if this goes on any longer, I'm going to get a second email asking about gigs in Sydney. Yeah, yeah. Fingers crossed. So eventually three weeks go by Nothing's happened And I'm really trying

Not to be the passive aggressive Guy going Mate I really sort of Need that website Rio Tinto Are trying to get on You for corporates They can't find you

Exactly So finally I get Another message From another listener Or whoever it is saying Look Your websites

I just Tried to look up your websites Take an interesting turn. Oh, wow. Oh, here we go. So I get online. So someone has now bought my website. Someone has now bought my domain name.

KyleChandler.com. And this is what is on. KyleChandler.com right now. Cheap real Jordans. Cheap wholesale Jordans. The reason why Air Jordans, cheap wholesale Jordans. The reason why Air Jordans are so popular. Air Jordan sneakers are wildly popular and have been since the 1980s.

In the malls, on the streets and in school gyms, it seems like everyone is wearing Air Jordans. You've got a good voiceover for this ad, by the way. This website should hire you to do the voiceover for him. Here are some of the reasons why Air Jordans seem to be timeless. Air Jordan popularity reason one. Michael Jordan wore Air Jordans. But why is this under Carl Chandler?

Nike saw a gap in the market. They're trying to break into the Sydney market and they know there's a heap of people looking. Or maybe it's like a new brand of Nike boots called Carlsey Handlers. They need more podcast listeners wearing Jordans. The perfect shoe for when you're on a podcast and you want to dance around a story or dance around a little issue that you don't quite understand.

If your story needs a little bit more air. Air Jordan popularity reason number two, all the kids at school are wearing Air Jordans. All of them? All of them. Fuck. Who are we going to sell them to then? Not even all the cool kids, just all the kids.

So to describe it to the listeners, it's like the default kind of blog spot. Yeah, it's not a good website. It's like every bit of dialogue in there is written by someone who is unaware of the shift key on a Mac. Like there's no... English is not their first language, David.

Yeah, you know when someone's so stupid but they claim to have dyslexia, you're like, you just don't try. There's dyslexia, and I'm not saying there's no dyslexia but then there's also people who are just stupid. Oh, look, you know, this will still be up because I haven't chased this up. I haven't re-bought back the domain name.

So this is the thing that, well, I don't, so someone's squatting on it, you reckon? Yes. And so you've got to, now you've got to make them an offer. Yeah, well, this is the thing because I hit up my friend and I go, is this that horrible passive-aggressive thing where I hit him? He's like, hello, Michael Jordan speaking. And you know what?

From what I read on my website, he's quite a rich man. No, he's selling them too cheap. He's never going to make money that way. Well, that's how he makes money, you know. You don't lose money making money. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Sorry, D-Rock's ordering wine off Mike at the moment.

Off the touring comedian that was donating his time. Yeah, can I get some wine? Because it looks delicious. Yeah. So, and, you know, people can, we don't need to describe this because people can go to carlchandler.com right at the moment because I haven't bought the domain name back. So you can go and find out all about it if you've never heard of it.

But why would they? They're going to be hustling you. They're going to ask for big money. Well, this is what I did. Is this like whenever a new Twitter comes out, there's just all these fucking dweebs from all over the world who go on and they just buy, I'm buying Kanye West.

Kanye West, you've got to buy it off me, I'm buying Kanye West. You want it? You smoke a bunch. Kanye West, you've got to buy it off me, you fucking dweeb. Yeah. You get your own fucking life. I'm up for all entrepreneurs and I fucking respect anyone who does it.

But if you're one of these pricks on any of these news sites, I think, I'm going to take Beyonce's name and then Beyonce. I can't feel too cool. Like you're on a yacht and there's like a hot girl there

and she's like into it and she's like, so how did you make your first million? You're like, well, I bought at Tom Cruise on Twitter when it first started up and here I am. Like you can't feel cool about having done that. You know what I mean? Fuck Nike. Fuck Jordan for trying to get the heat off my good podcasting name.

Yeah. Buying Carl Chandler.com, squatting on that. I would love to see their sales like like see if it's like if it's actually

gone up like man like like the next show Carl does like there's no one in the audience

but in two months there's loads of people which is like they're just really comfortable it's like walking on a cloud yeah yeah yeah

it's like your catchphrase everyone starts waving their shoes at you. Yeah, so we cut to Nike HQ right now and they're having a board meeting. They're like, these sales of Jordans have gone through the fucking roof. No, no, cut to the meeting. It's like, how are we going to – Jordans have gone down over the years. We've got one idea.

Buy Chandler's website. Just do it. No, I like the idea that like – no, apparently it's because it showed up on a website that used to belong to this guy and then a photo of you comes up in the boardroom meeting and a bunch of women are like, I'm going to try it. I'm going to fuck that guy. Or that's what the catchphrase is.

Instead of Nike, just do it. Nike, oh, just do it. Just do it. It would be so great if Nike does change this look and say, get out, dickheads. No, just do it,'d be so great If Nike does Change this look And say Get out you dickhead No just do it You dickhead So I hit up my friend And he said

I said You know It's that passive aggressive Weird thing Where it's like Hey man You know how I've been hitting you up

For three weeks And nothing happened And now you're getting Into ultra passive aggression Because now it's actually Like he's fucked it Now it's done He's fucked it

So I sent a stupid email going, so if you want to look at my website at the moment, it's full of offers for fake Jordans, I presume. Hang on, hang on. You sent him an email. This is surely a phone call. No, he lives in another country.

You cheap fuck. Just your website's down. You've viped or Skyped or something. I've got to wait until I get this Jarpok this Wi-Fi so I can WhatsApp him. How much of a fucking priority is it? You're bitching about it, but you're now going to spend one international fucking phone call.

Why? Is the sales of the Jordan air shoes not going that well that you can't afford 50p a minute? Yes. No, he lives in England. He moved to England. Okay, right. Right, okay. Well, I'll go back

and I'll call him. Please. If you see him. Yeah. Take a Milo tin with you on a piece of string so Carl can listen into the call

when you make it. And like you're just unaware that Skype's a thing as well. Like you've just... This is the guy who's not single. But you'd rather do that.

Like you'd rather do it... You want to be passive aggressive on email rather than on Skype or on phone calls. It's good in that you can craft it exactly how you want it and you're not going to go in guns blazing and then sort of lose your nerve. Not that I think that's ever a risk with you anyway, but I'm talking about the rest of us actual humanoids. Me mortals.

Yeah. The fact that you called them humanoids. I mean, I am a human. I am one as well. Doesn't everyone else enjoy blowjobs? So now that you've got to wrestle it back from control of this e-pirate, what's the maximum that you would be prepared to pay for car challenges? You're doing all right at the moment.

You've got TV right and what. You've got to splash some of that money around. I know, but see, that's the thing I don't understand. Just to piss you off, I'm going to buy it. Oh, yes. Yes. Make an offer. Whatever it is, I'm going to outbid you.

Oh, man, for this being on the podcast. For that story selling Reebok shoes. Oh, yeah. You don't know our fans. Like, for me, I've now realised, now that I'm putting this out on the podcast, it'll be bought by someone tomorrow. Yeah. It'll be someone who's never come to a live show, never donated money, never bought one of the paid episodes,

but they'll drop big bunts on buying carlechandler.com. Yeah, because I've emailed my friend and gone, look, I don't know everything about the internet, but I'm pretty sure my website's gone now, isn't it? And he's like, yeah. So he's like, no, now you can just go and buy carlechandler.me. Like, I'm not doing that I'm not doing that at all

It's probably cheaper To legally change your name Yeah Or just It only costs In the UK It only costs 50 quid To change your name

Alright welcome Meet the new Cheap Ed Jordan That's me I don't know Maybe that one Carl Jai Singer Or maybe it's just

Cheap to just move to Japan And buy Carl Chandler Dot co dot JP You know Move countries Expand Yeah Put the brand out there Or maybe it's just as cheap to just move to Japan and buy carchandler.co.jp. You know, move countries. Expand. Put the brand out there. If it's cheaper than buying.com back,

then I'll look into it. Hang on, isn't it just as easy to get.com.au? Well, that's the new thing. Because I said, what are my options? And he said, you can... This guy's obviously will be up for haggling. He will sell you. You have to put in an offer now on.com.

Otherwise, you can go and buy.com.au or buy.me. And I said, absolutely, I'm not buying.me. And he said, why not? I said, because I'm not a fucking idiot. And then he went, be like that then. The end. Oh, so this is again in an email he said because I'm not a fucking idiot. Yes. Oh, finally. You showed your true colours. You like that then The end Oh so this is again In an email you said Because I'm not a fucking idiot Yes Oh finally

You showed your true colours Also Just so you know How the I'm going to give you A graph here Of how the interest Spikes in your email address

And I'm like Carl Chandler dot com Oh Dot au Oh I see Is that what's going to happen No I mean literally

That's how It's phonetically For that's how Disappointed people are Like dot com Alright so I've got to Get this back I've got to get dot com back Dot biz Is that what's going to happen? No, I mean, literally, it's phonetically for that's how disappointed people are. Like.com. All right, so I've got to get this back. I've got to get.com back.

.biz,.net,.org. .org? What is.org? Is that just a... It's all charities, yeah? I thought it was just charities. But I'm blown away by this is just a standard thing where I now have to send some pirate on the internet and just go, I wouldn't mind my name back. How much does my name cost? Like a pirate on the internet and just go, I wouldn't mind my name back. How much does my name cost?

Pirate on the internet. Back in the day, pirate used to be such a threatening thing of a man who's been at sea for years. But a pirate on the internet is just one guy who's had seven wanks in a day. With his cheat-eating hand.

Now it's a guy stealing the domain name off a guy who half runs a podcast in Australia. Instead of a power on his shoulder, it's just his mum nagging, when are you going to get a real job? Yeah, yeah. When are you going to scab the name off a proper podcaster?

We need to. I hear full fobs available. Why don't you buy Will Anderson dot me? Maybe that's what you should change your name to, Will Anderson. Dot me. Or two L's. Maybe that's how Will.i.am got started. You know what I mean?

Someone took Will.com and then he had, I'll just have Will.i.am. We need to get updates on this next week. You need to start Will die. We need to get updates on this next week. You need to start the bidding. You need to go in. Use that Carl Chandler

grunt that you're famous for and haggle this guy. I want to know, I want you to say what's the most you would pay? Quite honestly,

what's the most you would pay? Okay, look, I'll open up a dialogue with him tomorrow and I'll also ask him how many Jordans he

sold off my website if he's got the stats. Oh, right. I'd love to know if he sold sold off my website, if he's got the stats. Oh, right. I'd love to know if he sold anything off my website because I certainly didn't. Back in the old days when I owned carchandler.com. What were you selling?

There was literally just a link to my email. Yeah, it was a photo of you and an email address going, who wants a Chandler? The fans have got it. Yeah, a lot of people Annoyed that was Their homepage And now

Check the daily Before they go to Yahoo.com Let's check the Chandler news Oh yeah he's still Got carlchandler.com No carlchandler10

At yahoo.com Yeah that is That is my email address Yeah and that was Just listed there Publicly wasn't it There wasn't even a No me at carlchandler10 at yahoo.com. Yeah, that is your email address. That is my email address. Yeah. And that was just listed there publicly, wasn't it? Yeah. There wasn't even a no me at carlchandler. No.

No carl at carlchandler.com. Yes. No jordan at carlchandler.com. No me at carlchandler.com. Chandler.me. Yes. Jesus. Well, I cannot wait to hear how this all plays out.

We'll see what this guy's got to say tomorrow. I'll chase it up. We had a lot of threads. I felt like we'd have tied everything. I know. I'm just trying to do mental inventory. How do you feel about it, Daniel? Have we wrapped everything up?

We covered everything with your mum. That sounds like such an insult. We covered everything with your mama. I think we did. Do you have any other questions? The only thing we going to talk about Is that You've been in Sydney

We talked about last week You went on a little trip With your mum Yeah I did I actually By the way We are recording The day after Mother's Day

So this is quite a Oh no but Very importantly Your Mother's Day I fucking woke up This fucking morning And just My Twitter

My Facebook Was just mobbed Because in your time zone My Twitter's is filled with all my Aussie friends. And they're happy Mother's Day, happy Mother's Day. And I just had to text my mum this morning. I was like, is it Mother's Day in the UK? Because I could have sworn we had a couple of – it's March the 6th in the UK. So I was shitting my pants.

No, no, we did it then. I was just really, I smoke a lot of weed. I was like, did I buy your present or did I dream that? I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know Mother's Day was different depending on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As always, we invent something and then you guys fuck it up. Why is there a need for that?

To change the date? Probably clashes with the footy or something. No, it's the time difference. Oh, yeah. Daylight savings. Three months. Well, yeah, so I went to – yeah, so my mum, I talked about this a few episodes ago.

My mum decided that she would come to Sydney while I was there, which, you know, was fine. Weird but fine. Although it was so it coincided with a weekend in which Dilruk Jai Singer and Milan Krencevich of Punchline DVD slash alcoholism. Oh, you meant Milan. You're from Scotland and you've still heard about Milan. Oh, man, Milan.

I've not met a comedian who I've... Honestly, Milan is such a legend, and not in a good way. Whenever I say Milan's name, it's always just like, oh, my night's ruined. Because whenever I'm in Edinburgh, and I'm so happy to do it because I love him, I get on with him so well. But if I meet him any time after 6 p.m., I'm done.

That's my night over. The weirdest one for me was fucking last year. And let's be clear, you're done because he wants to have a great night and he wants you to have a great night. Yeah, no, Milan is the friendliest. In context, he's the promoter of the head honcho of Punchline DVD, a sponsor of this show. He pretty much created all the mayhem

at the drunk cast. Yeah, he was on the Adelaide drunk cast that we put up. All he wants to do is get you drunk. And the most, if you ever want to offend Milan, offer to buy him a drink. He is one of the most generous, most lovely, but he is responsible for all of the times

I've wanted to kill myself like that's on his every time I wake up in the morning and I want to put a knife through my fucking skull it's because I'm like

oh I met Milan I miss him and I love him whenever you want to kill yourself think punchline DVDs guys there's your slogan just to prove how far the legend of fucking Milan goes

like so many comics I mentioned it to you all over like in Edinburgh he's there I remember walking up into fucking Abattoir

which is one of the bars you can get in Edinburgh walking up and seeing Milan and he locked eyes with me and I went and my night's over it's done one of the guys

who this is going to sound like a humble brag but I'm sorry One of the guys who, this is going to sound like a humble brag, but I'm sorry, one of the guys who books Conan, I've done Conan, so he comes over to Edinburgh every year to scout people.

I remember bumping into him, and he was the one that booked me for Conan from our first ever spot there, and Milan walks in, and J.P. Buck, lovely as man, literally went, fuck, my night's over

and I was like you're from LA you're from LA and you're already aware of my yeah Milano just be there going get Conan over here

till that redhead comes to come out and do a shot with us man there are Eskimos that have 50 words for saying fuck it's Milan

our night's over there's just MMOs that have 50 words for saying, fuck, it's Milan, our life's over. There's just, the term is Milan. Like me and Kai Humphries, my flatmate, one of my best friends, it's just, one night you just wake up at Adelaide Fest for sometimes fucking Sydney and you just wake up the next morning and people go, what's wrong, yo? I got Milan. And everyone just goes, oh. You wake up at the Adelaide Festival,

you were at the Sydney Festival the night before. The Sydney Festival's after it, so you've gone back in time. It's been 11 months. It's been 11 months. Well, a couple of months ago was my 30th birthday and Milan was there and we started drinking at 4 p.m., and then we finally said, we're leaving, 12 o'clock. He goes, let's go to the strippers.

Yes. And we go to the strip club. And even the strippers were like, oh, no, it's Milan. We walk in. I was kidding. And there's a DJ. And he goes, oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Melanimal.

And all these, like, we got taken to the VIP area. And all these gorgeous, gorgeous dancers come, like, lining up. And they're like, oh, hey, Milan. And he goes, hey, girls, let's do some shots. Oh, man. You're not using stri. Oh, man. Oh, man. You're not using strippers properly, Milan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just need to give them cash. The day Milan dies. You don't need to get strippers drunk for them to take their clothes off Milan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's their job. The day Milan dies, love no no no his funeral is gonna be great you're like

no who's buying the drinks we'll all be at Milan's funeral being like I'm fucking buying it what you're

positive he didn't leave a rider yeah like open the coffin find his wallet come on no it's not disrespecting the

dead it's what he would have wanted I was saying to him on the weekend because we we hung up we flew together we flew back together and everything and um i was saying to him that you know how with sports stars uh when they erect statues it's like shane one balling a leg spinner or ron barassi king of the footy if they did one of milan it would be him withdrawing money for an atm that's what the statue would look like. I did a European tour last year. Me and Kai got to do a tour around Europe,

like Slovakia, Slovenia, Croatia, Sweden, Norway, Lithuania, Estonia. This really ridiculous tour and beautiful places and the games were astonishing. We got Milan two months before. I was like, oh, you're going to Slovenia. It was either Slovenia or Slovakia. But basically, when we were in Slovenia or Slovakia but basically when we were in Slovenia, Slovakia

and Belgrade we had a guy that Milan knew and he's like my friend's going to be taking you around he's doing the tour manager and we turn up

and this guy our driver is just this lovely man very broken English but really fucking happy and friendly so we're trying to talk to him he's like

oh you know it's City and pointing out stuff and we're sort of asking about the history and stuff and then just at one point, and this is a guy

rudimentary English between both of us trying to sort of communicate in any way and at one point we just go, you know Milan? And he went,

Milan. Like, it doesn't matter where you go. The second you say the name everyone just goes, oh, the worst hangover of my life.

Yeah. The worst I've ever been. Man this is how bad he is in Italy. They named a city after him. Can I tell you this quickly

this is something that happened in the comedy festival to me that you reminded me of Dilruch. There was a night during the Melbourne

Comedy Festival where a big group of us were all at the hi-fi bar which is like the after party each night and the hi-fi bar, which is like the after party each night. And the Hi-Fi Bar generally goes pretty late,

but for some reason they just closed really abruptly. Like it was three in the morning, but there was a lot of people there and they generally just sort of stay open until people have all left. So all of a sudden we're all kicked out. We're out on the street. This big, big group of us all sort of want to keep drinking. Like, oh, where can we go? So we think, oh, the Exford, which is like a pub in Melbourne

that's always open. We go there. Even the Exford's closed. We're like, fuck, this is grim. And then someone in our group goes, let's all go to the casino. And there's like 15 of us and we all just go, let's fucking go to the casino. So we get a maxi taxi.

We pile all of us in there. We get to the first set of lights and Ivan from Max and Ivan and someone he was with, they just pull the door open and they just run out of the maxi-taxi. They've realised the casino's a bad idea. Yeah, they do a runner on the group of us. This happens four more times. Literally every time we stop at traffic lights,

people just one by one in groups decide. Imagine the taxi driver, how he's feeling. Oh, so is this like, I can see you leave. Are you guys fucking me over in investments? Well, also, you know, there's a group of us and we're all watching our cut of the fare. It's kind of rising

every time these people bail out. So this just keeps happening. Suddenly there's just four of us left in the cab now and we're like, well, this is now weird to just be four people walking around the casino. Taxidermist has not learned how to lock the doors. He's just like, oh, all right. Yeah. So it's the saddest thing of all time.

We just end up going, just let us out here. So we get out and we're at the front of the men's gallery, which is a strip club in Melbourne. We go, oh, well, they'll have beers in here. Let's go in here. So we go in and we're at the strip club and, you know, I'm purely there on business. This is the most unconvincing story about going to a strip club I've ever heard.

I didn't want to. I was tricked. I thought it was a subway. People kept jumping out of the taxi. Who cares? It still took about an eighth of the time to get to it was you going, I have a website. Anyway, I'm in there and I've got a beer and this girl comes up and she's sort of, you know,

offering the stuff. What, lollies? Yeah, offering lollies. And I go, oh, no, no, no, no, thanks. And then I had a jumper on of a band that I like called Run the Jewels. It's got their logo on it and she goes, oh, Run The Jewels. I love Run The Jewels.

And then she's talking to me about like specific songs. You got on your knee and proposed. Yeah. And I'm into it and I'm like, oh, I saw them do this gig and she's like, oh, I love that song and did you see the thing they did with this? I'm like really connected with her and she's like, so do you want to lap dance?

I'm like, yeah. And you said no, I'm saving myself for Doolroom. And so I go Yeah I do I really do And so I walk over And I'm a bit drunk And I'm this I'm this kind of fuckhead

We're in my head I'm like I'm gonna make this strip Of my girlfriend We had a real connection I'm gonna take her away From all this So I'd never had

A lap dance before And then it's happening Really And it's yeah You're 28 Yeah I've never had one I got conned into one.

How's this story? What were you in a bus that kept people getting off? Well, I might as well get off here then. No, I was in the same taxi. You were the driver. You were one of the good ones. You were one of the ones that didn't do a runner. He got off earlier in a better strip club.

I just went for the run to my six-pack loop by the time I got there and I was trying to burn off the beer I drank. So you've never had a lap dance but you've been to a strip club? Yeah, I've been once.

And had you been to a strip club before this? I'd been, yeah, I'd been a couple times. Right. And Sloss, you've never... I was conned into going into a strip club.

How did you get conned? Oh, because I was out in Newcastle with fucking Kai and we were drunk and I was hammered and I don't like strip clubs, not for any fucking moral reasons, but my logic is I don't need to pay a woman

to not fuck me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I get that shit. I wouldn't go to the strip club in the same way that I wouldn't go to a restaurant, order a meal, and then let the bouncer smack the fork out of my hand every time I went for a drink.

They're just keeping you in your face they just let you like yeah it's not it's not if you want to fucking take your clothes off for money I'm fine but just to me there's nothing sexy about being cockteased there's nothing sexy I don't get it I like the restaurant idea where you moan about

the soup and you can't drink it I'm just yeah I just don't it's weird that you brought that back to food yeah it was weird you brought that up

as like you brought that up as like a simile for a strip club it's the same thing for Dillroth my brain fires the same synapses

with its tits and foot it's the same thing the only time I did I offended one of the strippers because I was I was so drunk and she was like

do you want a lap dance and I was like no and she kept sort of pushing for it and I was like I don't know and she was like you want a lap dance and i was like no and she kept sort of pushing for it and i was like i don't know and then she was like when i was like well because because i don't understand how this is better than porn because it's it's it's women doing dirtier stuff for none of the price and i'm allowed to masturbate like you don't have

that beaten in any way like i don't find what's sexy about you trying to give me erection while my friends are giving me the thumbs up. None of that appeals to me. I got a lap dance at a gig once. I was doing a Bucks night. And that was the last time I ever saw Reece Nicholson live.

I was doing a box night and it was at a baseball club and I'm in the umpire's room like working on my material and they're all drunk as fuck I'm going what am I going to do here and this absolutely stunningly beautiful girl

just walks in goes oh hey are you performing I'm like yeah I'm the comedian she goes oh I'm the dancer and then she just started disrobing in front of me and we're both chatting about work and about what kind of gear

we're going to do for this crowd. She got down to her underwear and said, I would show you my pussy, but I've got the thing for Carl Chandler. Good work, buddy. Keep it in there. Keep it in for faces. Let's watermark it all the way through, you sucker. Let's crop dust this podcast.

So I found that out. Oh, Dilrub just got it. Got it. It's like the situation just hit me at once. Oh, God. Getting a laptop must be expensive for you. I mean, how many dances does it take to cover your whole lap? You mean lap dance.

At least a laptop. Yeah, you said laptop. You fucked it You fucked it No wonder your fucking internet Your website shit You don't know the difference Between a laptop

And a lap dance Your joke was Laptops must cost you a lot Yeah Because how many dancers But just when he When he set that up When he said laptops must cost you a lot

I was like I was excited I was like How's he going to pull this around Yeah yeah And you were going on Yeah and as you didn't respond I'm excited. I was like, how's he going to pull this around? And you were going on. As you didn't respond, I'm like, have we hit the level of no more

fat jokes for Durham? This is heartbreaking. Much like the seizure that will eventually take his life. Now that is what I call assimilation. So anyway, I got this lap dance done and, yeah, it was a – yeah, I didn't enjoy it.

Well played to her, by the way. How good is that? Like she turned around essentially what was going to be a rejection. There was probably someone over my shoulder just holding up a big printout of the Wikipedia article of Run the Jewels and she's just like – she's just scanning that like,'re a hip hop group fronted by LP and Killer Mike. She's like mic'd up like those heist movies and

casino things where they go where they're like she's reading the cards. And the taxi driver out the front, he's on the wire. He was in on it all along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Google image the pit logo Run the Jewels. That was a sweet operation to make 50 bucks off a lap dance for you. How much did it cost you? 50 bucks. dance for you. How much did it cost you?

50 bucks. Yeah, right. How long did it go for? One song. Pardon? It's just like three minutes. What a waste of money. Well, this is the thing.

So it was a middle of a comedy festival and it was just, yeah, as soon as it started it was like, oh, I hate this. This is really bleak. This is like real awful. I didn't enjoy it. I then, like I said, I was quite drunk. Yeah, the first one's pretty bad but the seventh one. What?

Oh, right, right, yeah. I then, at the end of it, I make the lap dance much more bleak by firing her for my comedy festival show. I've got my bag there. I've whipped out a flyer at the end. What, and put it in her cleavage? Or what? You tried to pair with tickets.

If you mention the chord name Seriously I thought this would work I'm like just I'll tell the door people If you mention this lap dance You can get it for free And every night I would turn up to the venue And go maybe this is the night You know what crazy things have happened

Yeah yeah yeah Are you putting this out there for next year That you will get a discount if you Give Tommy Daslow a lap dance before the comedy festival, you can get a discount? Hey, I'm a big enough man to say it. I'm prepared to offer that. Yeah. One of the dancers, the one from the time I went out,

added me on Facebook and I looked and you go, you can try and see who the mutual friend was. One mutual friend, of course, Milan Trinca. He's already had it she's just hung over the next day like I never drank it again

for her getting Milan into something I'm so drunk last night I ended up friending Dilrub Jesus well guys I think that is just

about all the time we have for the little dum-dum club this week Dilrub Jai Singer Daniel Sloss thank you very much for joining us

Daniel you're about to go to Sydney? Doing Sitters. Are you all sold out? Have you got some tickets left? Tuesday, Wednesday some tickets left. I think Thursday, Friday, Saturday are sold out so we've added a show on Sunday. Excellent.

You've heard Daniel on the show before a couple of years ago, a live one from Sydney with Will Anderson and Tom Ballard. So go back and listen to that if you haven't already. But, yeah, hey, Sydney friends, go and see Daniel. Yeah, jump on it. Dilruk, anything that you'd like to plug? Just at Twitter, Dilruk J, and Instagram at Dilruk J,

and Facebook.com slash Dilruk J Comedian. Excellent. And if you can't follow him, just follow current. At Cal Chandler. CalChandler.com. Yeah, yeah. Mikey.com. Go and get some of my sweet kicks that I'm now selling.

I can't wait for next week when we can hear about the email exchange. I better get some free shoes out of this at the very least. At the very least, yeah. We got the new T-shirts moving pretty quick at the website, littledumbdumbclub.com. That's pretty much all we got to plug at the moment. Let's keep a handle on the website little dum-dum club.com that's pretty much all we got to plug let's keep a handle

on that website domain isn't yeah oh yeah we got it yeah we got to make sure we're on top of that I'm gonna buy you out of it and I'm gonna change it

to little bum bum club we don't need anyone offering cheap adidas yeezy boosts on the little dum-dum club.com guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next

time see you mates