The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 241 - Adam Richard & Karl Woodberry

Episode Date: May 19, 2015

Not Sitting On Couches, Guided Meditation and Dr Karl. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, thank you very much for joining us. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, it's Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. I always enjoy these ones when we're in your little home. It's a rare treat, but I enjoy checking up on you. I enjoy seeing how things are going in your life. Feels like this is the away match. Yeah. Yeah, we're in your little home. It's a rare treat, but I enjoy checking up on you. I enjoy seeing how things are going in your life. It feels like this is the away match.

Yeah. Yeah. We're playing away from home. Now, you've mentioned this the last few times I've been in here. You have two identical couches in this living room, one of which you claim has never been sat on by a human. Is this correct? I can see why you'd open the podcast with a great subject matter like this. Yes, I have a couch that no one sits on. Yeah. This is the new Fantastic Furniture podcast that I'm hosting.

I reckon you have the worst opening subjects of any podcast going. Oh, that's, well, you don't listen to enough podcasts. You don't listen to enough Australian podcasts. Uh-oh. I'm just fascinated by this because I want to know, why don't you just sell the couch?

Well, I can't be bothered. Like, what's going to sit there? Nothing. What if someone from the podcast wanted to buy the couch? This is I can't be bothered. Like, what's going to sit there? Nothing. What if someone from the podcast wanted to buy the couch? This is what I was getting to. Sure. Put an offer in. Yeah. Okay.

Guys, if you want a white couch that's never been sat on. It's a really nice couch. But you've also, you've just got it facing the other couch. So, what was your game plan here? People just sit and watch. Hey, if you've got any... I don't know, man. Anyway, what else is going on?

If you've got any better topics, I'd love to hear them. How was your day? What did you get up don't know, man. Anyway, what else is going on? I've got any better topics, I'd love to hear them. How was your day? What did you get up to? Oh, man. So, can I start editing this podcast myself? Do you reckon this is a thing? I'm more than happy for you to start doing that. All right, let's bring our guests in and see if they can save this.

I mean, I thought that was good banter, man, but whatever. Yeah, yeah. No, let's break it down. Hey, have you got a couch you don't sit on? How's that going? Oh yeah, no that stands up. We can jump off that. There's podcasts that would kill for content like that. It's what you do, put the ball

in the air and then you keep it moving. There are podcasts that would kill themselves after hearing it and this is one of them. Well, in spite of this, I remain positive that it's going to be a great show today. First of all, you know him from the Wisdom Laughter podcast. He's a very dear friend of ours.

We've got him in here. He's just about to move to the States, which I'm sure we'll talk about. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Carl Woodbury. What are the couches like in America? I can't wait to find out. See, it's good you got a good joke off the back of it. Yeah, man. I'll accept your apology.

I'm with you, Tommy. That's a really, really, really funny, funny, insightful thing you brought up there about that couch. Like you said, Carl, no one sits on it. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. No, I'm warming to it now. Can I get onto my balcony and throw myself off, do you think?

You'll just break both your legs and need that couch to lay up. We should record some of this podcast on the couch. That could be the end of it. We make our way from the sitting area over to the couch. Also joining us, you know him from Fox FM Breakfast, from Spicks and Specks, from the Shelf podcast.

Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club the fabulous Adam Richie. Thank you. Only one of those is still a going concern But thank you Oh Spix and Spex is back, great I got a job again Chandler can buy a new couch Even more unsat on furniture in this room

I love that it's an interior decorating podcast now Yeah It's my kind of thing Oh man It's good Woodbury, you're off to America, man. I am defecting to the USA.

Are you going to LA? Have they heard your podcast? America? Yeah. Yes, he's played at every national address. Is it on the Billboard Top 40? It is, yeah. Is it just playing in Times Square?

Yeah, it's on high rotation on K-Rock. That's Geelong, not America, by the way. The immigration and customs officials. Yeah, are you planning on sprucing up before you... Oh, yeah, I didn't really think about that. That's a good point. So what do you do? I do this great podcast, Occupation Podcaster. Oh, man.

I podcast about illegal drugs. That's the only thing I do. Haven podcast, Occupation Podcast. Oh, man. I podcast about illegal drugs. That's the only thing I do. Haven't you heard it? I did this one about a couch no one sat on once. Have I got a green card yet? And then they're like, oh, we've got so many couches in this office that we've never sat on. We are vibing on this podcast real hard.

Confiscated couches, is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got our snifferiscated couches, is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a sniffer dog for couches division. But so you've got like dual citizenship, right? I do. You're able to just...

Yeah, my mum's from the States so I can go over there, I can be there as long as I want. As long as you want. Until I'm a big star so probably a week, eh? Am I right, guys? Oh, you sound really good.

This will be like when Tony Pierron went. Yeah. Yeah, so you... I right, guys? You sound really good. This will be like when Tony Pierron went. I don't know who that is and that scares me. So you are joining the ranks of the potential. You've got to be on Home and Away first, dude. You can't just go to America by yourself. I've got to get a gig as a

river boy. Is that what's going to happen? Yeah, exactly. You look like you could have been on Home and Away. Yeah, that's true. Bobby's second ghost. That's the only thing I know about Home and Away. Bad dude who rolls in from Yabby Creek. Yeah, yeah. Drug dealer from Yabby Creek. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Creek Boys. They're not as good as the Riverboys. Creek Lads. Can you somehow get recording of yourself going into an audition and just claiming all these falsified Australian TV show credits? Yeah. If you can send us a bootleg of you sitting there and just listing. I was Bruno on All Together Now.

Chicky Babe, you might remember that. I've let my hair grow out slightly. I was Agent to the Stars, so I'll do well in this town. Show me the money. This will be the ultimate test of the tall poppy syndrome. Woodbury goes over, within one week he's got like Patton Oswalt on his podcast and we're like fucking Woodbury and his shit podcast. Never talked about a couch in his life.

White couch fever. That's going to be great. Man, that's, yeah, so you go over there. There's going to be a heap of Australians. There's going to be a good Australian network. You are going to live in LA? I'm going to go to LA. So I'm going to go to my. So I'm going to go to

my parents first in Vail in Colorado, which is that's like next to Aspen. My parents aren't rich like that, but I'm going to go there for a few months. They're at the bottom of the mountain. They are at the bottom of the mountain, yeah. They're the hillbillies of that area. The old base camp Woodbury's.

Yeah. Alright. So you're going to work there. The old base camp Woodbury's. Yeah, all right. So you're going to work there? You're going to work in Colorado? I'm going to work in Colorado. I think what I'm going to be doing is planting flowers for billionaires. Is Colorado one of those states where you can legally... Plant flowers for billionaires?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that code? Not in Texas. Yeah, plant flowers for billionaires. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that code? Not in Texas. Yeah, plant flowers for billionaires. Yeah, that's it. Some of those flowers happen to be opium. That's fine. Medicinal flowers.

So what they do is it's like a holiday place. You know what I mean? So they're only there. Billionaires go from the east coast to west coast. They fly in in their private jets a few times a year and one of the times is the 4th of July. Oh, it's too hot for snow then. Yeah, there is.

But it's like, you know, beautiful, cool mountain climate in summertime. And so they pay up to, you know, a million dollars some people to plant flowers. So when they walk in on the 4th of July weekend, they're literally blooming on the days. And they put in these expensive flowers that they bloom, like literally as they walk down there. Does Oprah go there?

Yes, she has a house there. Did you have some weird ESP for knowing that? Hang on, hang on. Check under your seat. Oprah who? It's always great when you make what you think is a good little comedy reference and then it just turns out to be fact.

It turns out to be real life. It kind of takes the sting out of it in a way, doesn't it? What did you say? Oprah's doing a set, did you say? What? No, Oprah's got a place there. Oh, got a place. I thought you said she's doing an open mic. You've got to take a break from comedy, man.

What are these gigs like? Can I get on? Oprah and Mike. Oprah runs a room. Who books that? Aspen Chuggle Hut. How did I get on? Oprah and Mike. Oprah runs a room. Who books that? Aspen Chuddle Hut. How did you get that? Stedman. Stedman

emcees every gig. Everyone's like, this is corrupt. This is bullshit. We all know why he's getting on. And Gail's there playing records besides. So you're going to be the guy planting the flowers so that they

bloom on time. I think so. And I did look up to see if there is... You think so. You're hoping you get that job. Wow. The flowers bloom and they've got a little Woodbury face because you've put your dick in the sea. Imagine how bad things must be for Woodbury that he's got to leave the country to get a job that good.

Yeah. That any Hispanic immigrant can get for like $3.50 an hour. A little thing called the Melbourne Flower and Garden Show, mate. We've got all that shit right here. With my Vale credentials. It's a bit late for all that, isn't it? Especially if they're bulbs. Don't they have to go in when it's freezing cold?

I don't know any of the logistics. My parents live there. They assured me that if I go wait on the corner at 7.30 every morning with all the other Hispanic men. And get on the truck. And get in the back of the truck. Me and Miguel in there swiping chimichanga recipes. Man, you are going to be cooking so much meth.

Are you getting to the States? Are your parents just catapulting you across the ocean? It doesn't sound like you've thought through this at all. I've got to ride the top of a train until I get to Sydney and then... Yeah, and then

you've got to get into a box and pretend to be a dog for like 14 hours. When there were some Romanian whores it's going to be great. Are you going to pretend

to be one of Johnny Depp's dogs and just try and get deported? They probably believe it too. Oh, those dogs. That was crazy.

I didn't properly... So he brought his dogs out here because he's, what, filming something here? Yeah, he's doing Pirates of the Caribbean on the Gold Coast. And they're like... That's a hazard to the environment. Yeah, it's a six-month minimum quarantine to bring a dog here. But so then how does the quarantine people not get in shit for this? Like how is he getting them here in the first place?

Oh, he would have got a private jet. Oh, okay. But this is my question. He would have had to declare it like when he was bringing the plane over. But when you've got a private jet, don't you still use the airport or can you just fucking land a private jet anywhere you want? You land it sometimes at a different airport or a different runway. But you go to like your own hangar or something, right?

Yeah, they have their own bit. So as long as you have a plane, you can do whatever you want. You know how in Sydney they have the, what do you call it, the curfew so you can't take off after 10 o'clock. Right. You can still land a private jet because they're not as loud. Oh, really? So apparently when Elton John was doing his concert in Melbourne,

he hates Melbourne. Elton hates Melbourne. Really? So he would like quickly leave the concert in a limo, then get on his jet and fly to Sydney. Oh, wow. So he could wake up with the Harbour Bridge. Really?

Well, I do not think I'll be going and seeing his car. Like tiny arsehole. I'm going to burn my copy of Candle in the Wind. The second one, the die one? The Diana one. Man, next time I see his wife, I'll be telling her what I think of her. Oh, Renata. Yeah, I don't think Tony asked if that was the right call, is it?

Yeah, he got married in Sydney. He did. Renata. That was one big coke binge. Just before when you said, so if you have a plane, you can do whatever you want, it just sounded like the wheels were turning in your head. Yeah. I was thinking, what have I been holding off buying a plane all these years?

That was a fucked little bubble that appeared above his head down my car field. I'm like, there's bad things in that bubble. It's the sky. It's not international waters. Just because you're flying somewhere doesn't mean you can just do heaps of... Why does water get all the fun?

Why are you allowed to be a pirate there? Why can't you be a pirate of the sky? I mean, that is a valid point. How come there's parts of the water that, like, surely there's just like a border that you cross over and you're just in some other country's territory. Yeah. But there's not.

Why isn't the sky like that? What if, like, what if it was just like a certain altitude where, like, on certain flights the captain was just like, tell you what, guys, there's a special treat. We're going to take this bad boy up a few extra feet and then we can get down with the real shit. Yeah, you're allowed to fuck a dog at this hour too. Open downstairs,

get him up here. Woodbury's trip suddenly becomes a lot more interesting. Oh no, this was a great plan and it's backfired. They think I'm the dog?

Yeah, because that was a bit earlier. It went couches, then it went you pretending to be a dog to fly over. So you can have a happy hour in the air. That went couches, then it went you pretending to be a dog to fly over. So you can have a happy hour in the air.

That would be good where there's absolutely no rules. Where it's just a mile high club all throughout the plane. You don't need to go in the toilets. You can just fuck wherever you want. Do you remember that film Red Eye? And it was like a horror movie and it's basically what if there was a killer? What if there's a killer on the plane? Which is like great horror movie concept Because where are you going to go?

And then I saw it To the toilet Lock yourself in the dunny The end But it's literally like But not with the killer I'm starting to follow this 20 minutes of it is set on the plane

And then the rest of it is just like In the airport and back at their house It's like this isn't This isn't utilising the concept to its full potential Because the director's gone I've run out of scary bits. Oh, it's really, they were filming on an actual flight. This is really expensive.

It's landed. Why did we get the Melbourne to Adelaide? This is a disaster. We're only allowed to have the camera on for 30 minutes of the flight. Someone blows their take a couple of times, we're off course by eight hours. I did filming on a tram and that's a true thing. None of us debated that.

No, we didn't. No, no, no. I mean it's a true thing. Filming on a tram. Like you fuck up your takes a few times and then we had to lose like whole scenes. The ticketing's were getting on. People did try to get on.

Because it just goes up and around in circles for like three or four hours. What were you filming? On my TV show. Oh, Outland. Oh, right. And you didn't at any point think, did it need, was it imperative that it took place on a tram? Yeah, it was funny.

We were going to get bashed up. We were all in drag on a tram and then these like teenage scary bogans with you know sleeveless shirts. Hang on, I'm trying to picture one. I'm looking at Woodbury. I'm a dead ship from Australia. Hi America. Points at someone to end his joke on a podcast.

I picked it up though. That's funny that you actually because am I right in thinking that in America everything that's filmed Every time someone's in a car Or any kind of mode of transport They're never actually in it It's always like a

They're getting towed by someone else aren't they Sometimes they are Like if you watch Modern Family The film stock or whatever they use Changes and they obviously switch to a smaller And it's like a dashboard mounted camera Oh yeah Not a GoPro but something, you know, small.

Because like it looked like it's obviously filmed in the car. Yeah. But then sometimes in movies where it's like you can sort of tell like it's green screen behind it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like – I know all our driving stuff was in actual cars but the cars were on a trailer being pulled around the streets. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

That would be so fun. That is fun. We did stunts. That was the best. Oh, man. I got to hang out the roof'd never even thought about that. We did stunts. That was the best. I got to hang out the roof of a car while it did a... You did your own stunts? Yeah. Oh, it's ABC too, of course you did.

It's not we got to, we had to. Hey, I want to thank you, Adam Richard. You came and did, you were one of the very few people that did two sessions of my festival show this year when I did my show. Oh, so much fun. I had guests in every night. Tommy Daslow was one of the others, but I only had, what, two or three people, I think,

that did it twice. Yeah, we should, the double club should go out for dinner. The double club? Yeah, yeah. This sounds like a really dirty thing. And what if you feel good about it? No, but it seems even dirty if you call it the double Chandler club. Old Chando's Double Club.

Chando two time. Yeah. And we sit and we watch videos of all the nights that we did. What a great evening. Yeah. Even I'm not that needy. Well, I did – see, I've been slowly getting through stories that have happened in the show because there were such stupid things

that happened every night. Oh, so much fun. I'm just trying to think of who was your assistant. Because you did one night just by yourself. It was great. You were in Hickey, wasn't it? Yeah, I did it in Hickey. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that was very fun. The one person who wasn't there is the one who was hanging out. Do you know my favourite thing? It was like the Saturday. Was it the last Saturday we did? Yeah, maybe. And then so Sunday was going to be the last show and every night at like clockwork there was, what was it,

like 9.45 or something, there was this, it sounded like a skip full of bottles just tipping in the back lane. Yeah. And I said, I was like, I went, oh, Fiona O'Loughlin's show has just gotten out. And Chanda's like, oh, damn, I wish I had that in the start of the run. I could have done that every night. And I did do it on the last night.

Well, I pointed that out to you on the first night because I did the first show and I heard it and I went, you know, you do enough festivals and you go, oh, yeah, this is a thing that's going to happen in this show every night of the run at the exact same point. But you know what was great about the whole run was that, you know, as the show picked up steam, I was getting really good numbers every night of the run at the exact same point. But you know what was great about the whole run was that as the show picked up steam, I was getting really good numbers every night. I was getting full

most nights. But the thing was, it turned into this thing that I'm very appreciative of, that people wanted to come back and see it twice because it was different every night because it was the base of my show. It was probably half an hour of stand-up and then half an hour of people screaming things at me. And so that's great that it was going to be that much different every night.

So people would come multiple times, but it turned into, by the end there was people that were coming six, seven times, and it was like genuinely full crowds, full of people that had already seen it. So you walk out going, everyone hates these jokes, everyone's heard them all, no one wants to hear these jokes. So on paper it looks like I'm doing really well and getting all these hundreds of people. Really only about 12 people saw my show.

They just saw it over and over and over again. But that's good. You created like a show that people wanted to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, as opposed to every other show I've done. Stuart Lee talks about when he was putting his career together and thinking that realistically you work out the amount of money that you need to make a yearly income

and then you just divide that by a ticketed amount and then you have your number of just audience that you need to be able to see you every year. And once you boil it down, that number isn't very big. It's even smaller when you then halve that and you just bank on those people wanting to see you twice. So it's genius. Well, there was this one bit in one of the last nights where, you know, anytime anyone talks in a show, it's just my excuse to go,

oh, great, I don't have to do my jokes anymore. Let's find out what's going on over here. I've seen you do that when people don't even, it's barely even talking. It's just like someone opens their mouth and their jaw kind of makes a sound and you go, fucking what? You should have come to my Sydney show where they forgot to, I don't know what they did, but they hadn't disconnected the hand dryers in the toilets and there were no doors on the toilets.

So someone's gone up and gone to the toilet at one point and then you hear, I was like, well, it's nice to see his hygiene. Why do you say they've forgotten to disconnect the hand dryers? I think the problem is they forgot to put a door on the fucking toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like a new thing now with toilets, where they don't have doors

because people don't like to touch the doors after they've washed their hands. And people like to shit in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the worst thing is like both of the girls' toilets and the boys' toilets are open onto the bar. So you stand at the bar and all you can smell are toilet lollies. You know what?

I went to my friend's wedding in England, like right at the very start of the podcast, like four years ago or whatever. Were we ever so young? You know what I went to I went to my friend's wedding In England Like right You know what Right at the very start Of the podcast Like four years ago Or whatever Were we ever so young

Hey This podcast That we started recording Tonight Yeah yeah yeah That wasn't It felt like that He was quiet

For a couple of minutes He was in England He took out John's plane When I heard that plane story I'm like I gotta get on So Chandler never stays In Melbourne overnight After we do this podcast.

Let's go straight back to his home in Saudi Arabia. He hates it. He's a tax haven for all his gigs he runs. Yeah, it's a podcast tax haven. Cal Chandler, carer of the Cayman Islands. I like this. He's slightly nervous about me saying that. He's like, shut the fuck up.

So I went to my friend's wedding and we got a hotel room very close to the wedding. It was out of London. It was in Luton. And someone else, you know that thing where you put your bookings in the hands of someone else. So they booked a hotel room for four people. And I'm like, oh, cool. We get a four bedroom or whatever. We rock up.

There's one room. It's just one room, four people. And so we're cool we get a four bedroom or whatever we rock up there's one room it's just like one room four people and so we're drunk we've finished the wedding and we're just trying we're strawn out across the room like lying on the floor and stuff like that it's a room smaller than this room

which is barely possible and then there's the toilet with no door on the toilet there's no door on the toilet at all and we were there was like three guys one girl so then i remember just waking up and no one could get to sleep everyone's really really drunk and one stage my friend goes to the toilet he's sitting on the toilet and then the girl gets up the girlfriend of another guy that was there gets up and goes and she's really drunk so she i'm just sitting through this conversation that's going, hurry up and finish on the fucking toilet.

I need to go. And he's going, just settle. There's no door on the toilet. I'm stressed enough as is. This is a horrible situation. And she goes, just fucking hurry up and snap it off. Jesus. Oh, my God.

Man. They stay together after that? No, they're not together anymore. So there's a couple in this situation. Yeah, and that's not the couple that are talking. No, I know. But, I mean, they're a couple. Why are they not?

That's why you're in a couple. So, you know, things like that. Why are they not biting the bullet and going, you know what? We'll get our own place. We'll get our own room. Oh, man. It was just horrific. It always inspires me.

Was this all of the avalanches? No. No. I know them. It's an avalanche of shit coming out of the radios by the sounds of it. Oh, man. How do you not put a door on a toilet? Unbelievable.

Like, I remember someone came in to, like, pick stuff up in the morning. And they're like, was everything all right? I'm like, there's no door on the toilet. And they're like, was everything all right? I'm like, there's no door on the toilet. And they're like, oh, yeah. Well, your mate who's booking it, how is that not? Surely that's mentioned in the online reviews on Expedia or whatever. Like everything else 10 out of 10. Was there a door on the toilet?

No. And you know what? Not to sound like a prude, but that's a pretty big deal for us. Was it, had Fleety stayed there? I know he's tried to hock a door before. I don't know if he was trying to snort the door or... The best part is that he tried to hock a door, which means that he wanted to actually go and get it back after 30 days.

He didn't just cash it in. He's like, no, I need me door back. I'll be back. He goes to get it back, but the door is locked. All me stuff's in there. Your stuff is that. There was nothing left in his house, so that's why he got rid of the door. That was a real thing.

He hocked everything in his house. Is this a true story you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying that Greg Fleet, comedian, sold the door off his own house. See, when you first brought that up, I wanted to ask, is that a serious story? And I was like, is it more dumb to assume that it's real or that it's not real?

I don't even know at this point. I heard it at a gig a million years ago, so it was a bit. Who buys a door? Doors Plus. Are they licensed second-hand dealers? Yeah, meet me out the back. Skip out the back, all right?

I don't know who buys a door. It probably was bullshit, the story. Who knows? Oh, no, I don't want it to be. You probably sold it to a mate. Well, you know what they say. You could sell it to the block now. Well, you know what they say. God closes a door and opens a vein.

Wow. That's insane. Wow. That is vulgar. I love it. So, back to my show. Right. So, one night

I had Towards the end of the run One night Going back to You know People chirping up In the crowd And stuff like that

I was talking to People in the crowd I said to someone You know Oh what have you What have you seen so far It's always a funny joke I'll generally run into

Someone that says Oh I saw Daslo before And I'll say Yeah but who's seen Anything good So it's always A nice little Look out for that one

in the future guys I wish you'd told that hotel story before the festival so when I heckled you I could have mid joke gone just snap it off

hey any podcast listeners for gigs in the future there you go so I was talking to this guy and I said oh what have you seen tonight

and he goes I haven't seen I haven't seen anything this is my first show I'm like oh it, what have you seen tonight? And he goes, I haven't seen anything. This is my first show. I'm like, oh, it's your first show for the night? And he goes, no, first show for the festival. And I was like, oh, that's sort of funny because there's a bit of pressure on me tonight because it was like nearly the end of the festival.

I'm like, you haven't seen anything else? He's like, no, no, no, first show for the festival. I'm like, okay, that's cool. That's, you know, all right, well, I'll try and put on a good one. This will be good. I go on, do another five minutes of mucking around, start doing jokes, whatever. I notice that that same guy is now talking to, like,

the girl that he's come with. And I'm like, hang on a minute, mate. Look, you haven't seen any show. You're five minutes into your first show of the whole festival. It's like the second, third, last night. What are you doing? You're talking to someone already. Why aren't you listening to the show?

It's your first show of the festival. What are you talking about and he goes just talking about whether i should get up and leave or not like hang on oh god now you're 10 minutes into the only show you've seen all festival and you're gonna walk out on it eight nine minutes in oh my god this is the worst thing ever and so all the crowd just going yay how shitty are you this is awesome this is hilarious and I'm like

oh man I start to have I change from being aggressive to like oh what the fuck have I done I've wrecked your festival I've wrecked my own I can change

yeah what can I do I'll call Tommy Little to get you some beers just anything please stay for the next 40 minutes yeah yeah exactly

so I was like oh having a meltdown. Just quickly, walking out of a festival show blows me away because you've paid the money, you've mentally given up that hour. What else are you doing? Not a lot of people paid the money. The people who walk out

generally have gotten a free ticket and they're cunts. Or a half-priced one at half-ticks or one of their mates has bought a ticket The people who walk out very rarely have paid for a ticket All the drunk people Like I like That'll happen a lot on a Saturday night

Like you're there for an hour show It's barely an hour You know a lot of times you go to a 50 minute show I can't sit still for an hour I've got to go to the toilet I've got to go to the bar I've got to Yeah like twice in an hour

There's no interval It's not Yeah yeah it's unbelievable. I would like to do a festival show with a toilet on stage and just dare people to use it. Just to see. Just come up and drop a bori. Come on.

And just do a sports bet thing of like how many times over the festival. How many times over the festival will this get used? I would love that. Someone sitting up there and then the whole audience is going, snap it off, snap it off. Hey, guys, and welcome back to Snap It Off. All right. Someone's sitting up there and then the whole audience is going, snap it off, snap it off, snap it off. Hey, guys, and welcome back to Snap It Off. All right. It's glass.

You can see it falling into the water. As the age reviewer walks out, you're like, oh, they did a much better shit last night. You should have been here last night. And while it's happening, you're doing really gentle, sensitive material like about your dad dying just as someone's on stage. Or just whimsical shit about toast. So did he stay?

So that's the thing. I'm planning with him to stay and I think I started doing some more. You begged him to stay. Yeah. He hadn't paid at all. Yeah. So I start talking about it the whole time and then I cut back to him about five minutes later and go, are you going to stay?

And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm just joking. I went, oh, okay, that's great. So is it really your first show for the festival? He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yours is the only show I see in the festival. I'm like, oh, for this whole festival? He goes, no, no, no, every festival. I go, what do you mean? He goes, I've seen your show the last five years.

I just come to see your show once a year, and that's all I do in the festival. Oh, wow. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It was really bizarre to go 360, or 180, I should say, from this, I'm pleading with this guy to not walk out. He was never going to walk out. Yeah, and then he's like, no, I only see you.

And he, like, I don't know, he was like a middle-aged guy he brought his daughter along and I'm like what yeah so this is fucking like this is like your real dad this is me because it just turned into me and him talking for a lot of the show where I was just like like once in front of all the other audience members going can you come to my show like I know I shouldn't be saying that in front of all the other audience members going, how come you come to my show? Like, what's... I know I shouldn't be saying that in front of everyone else. I should be like going, of course you fucking come to my show. But why me?

Why are you doing this? He's like, oh, I don't know. Fuck, it was very weird. So you've never found out how you came onto his radar in the first place? No. And I didn't get any impression like he listens to the podcast. But if you do, Masked Man, please... Hit us up.

Yeah, hit us up. Who was the comic that night? Oh, I don't... You know what? I think it was actually the night where Fiona O'Loughlin didn't turn up. Because there was a lot happening in that episode, in that show. That sounds like the biggest episode. Episode.

Your life really is a sitcom, especially in your own head. That festival show was. That was like a sitcom. It was. It was the night where Fiona didn't turn up because then Rhys Nicholson was in and Dilrock was in there drunk and then I was trying to convince the guy to adopt Dilrock in our new family.

He said no because I think something like he would eat us out of house and home I think I believe was the phrase. He said that or you said that I may have just thought it then you're trying to retroactively go back and insert improve the show from two months ago yeah and maybe the guy won't walk out yeah the night terrors won't be as bad

now I would like adopting Dill's one of those things where you go yeah he'd be fun to have around he'd be really funny he's so jolly he always puts a smile on your where you go, yeah, he'd be fun to have around. He'd be really funny. He's so jolly. He always puts a smile on your face whenever you see him versus he'd eat everything and go through all of the toilet paper. Yeah. He's definitely costing more than a dollar a day, that's for sure.

Look, this might be a good question to bring up with Carl Woodbury here. So I saw on Twitter maybe a couple of weeks ago, are you getting sponsored to do, are you meditating now? Is this a thing? Yeah, I actually had something to say about that. But yeah, I'm doing a, I've started meditating a little while ago, which me and Carl have talked about a little bit, because you're into it.

I am into it. Ever since I quit drinking, it's sort of something that I got into. Obviously, if you listen to Wisdom Laughter, the podcast, at Wise Laughter on Twitter, you'd know all about it. So essentially, yeah. But tell all the people that have got better shit to do with their life. What it is. You just did.

I meditate. Yeah. So that's what I did instead of drinking. And it's like an escape, you know what I mean? So it's essentially the theory is, you know, it's that the future and the past don't matter. It's the present. It's like mindfulness.

Yeah, it is mindfulness. That's what meditating is. It's mindfulness. And it's calming down everything. And you're doing your very best to focus on not nothing but your breath essentially is what the basic way to meditate is sit there, you get yourself in a state of relaxation with your eyes closed and then you focus only on your breath and your heartbeat

and you just think about that. That's the only thing you focus on and essentially you don't think about the past or the future and you have a sense of euphoria and then you come out of it with energy and a clear mind. Let's all do it now. Wouldn't that be fun? Oh my God.

I can do a guided meditation. Oprah does that on her podcast. Let's all do it now. Wouldn't that fuck you up? Oh my God. I can do a guided meditation. Oprah does that on her podcast. It's fucking annoying. Yeah, with Deepak Chopra. Oh yeah, and Eckhart Tolle. Oprah who? Callback, sweet callback, Chandler. Again, this is like Fleety's Door.

That's a real thing for all I know. Yeah. Fleety's Door. So now you're doing it. I started doing it near the end of the festival and I'm doing a thing at the moment that's called Mindful in May, which is like it's sort of like a fun run where you put up a page. Where you just get fatter.

Yeah. It's like people sponsor you to just sit still. Sit on your fatter, thinking about your own fatter. Yeah, so that means people are paying you to do nothing. No, no, people. Isn't it? Here we go. Why do you bring this up?

I wonder. Why do you bring this up? Look at the grin. What's it going to be? Here we go. Hang on, hang on. Everyone at once. Okay.

Pull your sleeves up, Chandler. Come on. Here we go. Drop into the half pipe, mate. Ready for a sweet ollie on the other end. Yeah. Yeah. So people are paying you to do nothing.

Isn't that what your parents do? Got him. Got him. Another one bites the dust. Got him. The money doesn't go to me, you fuckwit. It goes to my clean drinking water. I don't think your meditation's working very well.

You seem very angry with someone that's been mindful all my... You're like a Captain Planet villain. It was the uncluttering of my head that allowed me to come back with such precision. It's just like being on the dole. Pretty much, but no, I'm happy. I'm happy to be a monster, mate.

I am happy. I'm happy to be in there. You're a fucking monster, mate. No, I am interested. No, you're not. If people do want to, I'll put the link up on the Facebook because it is, you know, money goes to a really good thing. It's clean drinking water for the sustainable world. Yeah, so, but I have been doing it. I went along to a class recently. Oh, my God.

You went and sat with other people doing nothing? Yeah. Was it an AA meeting? Yeah. It was at Centrelink. I was there. That's how he knew that I do. Yeah, because you're in the now.

Because you're not getting any benefits in the past or future. You can only get them right now. That's right. As far as Centrelink knows, right now is all that matters. You should start that. You wait in lines for so long there. You know what I mean? You could go down there

and host a class. Trust me, you go there and any given Thursday there'll be someone yelling shit at you like that. Don't worry about it.

That will sound like a guided meditation. Choose to interpret it as such. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so yeah, I found this place near me like a meditation center and I thought, oh, you know, this would be cool. I'll go just try out this class once. If I like it as such. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so, yeah, I found this place, there's this place near me like a meditation centre

and I thought, oh, you know, this would be cool. I'll go just try out this class once. If I like it, cool. If not, because I'm trying to at the moment just like do just, you know, different things and whatever. Are you trying not to hate yourself? I'm trying not to hate myself. I'm coming out of a very bleak period.

And so I went to... That really, that makes me sad. Yeah. You brought this up, Carla. I want to help keep you in the bleak period. So I went to... That makes me sad. You brought this up, Carl. I want to help keep you in the bleak period. I'll cheer us all up. Oprah who? Come on, Dessa Lonely, let's get it on. If you want to help me out, I have a door you can buy

off me. And also a white couch from before. Am I right, guys? so i went to this center welcome to the trading post podcast i went to this uh center and i was like this will be really cool and i go in and there is a gigantic construction site next to the meditation center and they continue to persist in being open and having meditation classes, which seems like, I don't know, not to be too cynical, but a pretty flawed pursuit.

No, but that's one of the things with mindfulness is that you just accept what's happening. You just go, oh, yeah, there's a noise there. Be happy someone's getting a new house next door. But that's one of the whole things. It's like if you're turning up there and going, oh, this is going to be shit because there's construction next door, then you're not being mindful.

Like you're going, no, no, that's in the future where I'm going to be sitting there trying to relax and there's a goddamn bulldozer next door. That's not mindful at all. The bulldozer is bulldozing in the present. Like I'm not listening to a quiet construction site going, oh, that's going to be loud for someone else in the future. I'm going, this is happening

right now. But that's part of it. You're just going, oh yeah, there's a bulldozer. Is there an actual bit in the book of meditation about bulldozers? There is. Bulldozer, yeah, that's a whole chapter on bulldozers itself.

Jack Hammers. Jack Hammers is another good one. Yeah, that's a whole chapter on bulldozers itself. And there's jackhammers. Jackhammers is another good one. Oh, that's a separate chapter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, you think they'd squeeze that into two. You can actually convince yourself that all of those sounds are soothing. Like you can just go, yes, there's a bulldozer. I like the sound of bulldozers. I love construction.

There's someone who was poo-pooing it a minute ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I do. I do mind on it. I do all that shit. Like I haven't drunk for two years either. I mean, I get what you're saying. They go on about it like me, though, do you? Yeah pretty well-to-do. Oh, I do. I do mind all this. Under your Bodhi tree. I do all that shit. Like, I haven't drunk for two years either. I mean, I get what you're saying. They go on about it like me, though, do they?

Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not a cunt. What? That's not even in context. It's got nothing to do with it. What's going on here? Fucking. Like, I get what you're saying, but that's, I mean,

this is like a beginner's class. Yeah, you're learning. That's the thing. He's learning. He's learning to do that. So we do it, and it was, like, like it was fine and then we get to the end and there were only like three of us in the class because it's just you just turn up and then just chuck some money into the hat

when you leave. And the guy was like. Oh, my God. They're mindfulness buskers. It's meditation busking. So, yeah, at the end he was like, I was like, oh, thanks, man. That was great. And he's like, did you enjoy that?

Did you find that helpful? Could you connect with it? I'm like, yeah, yeah, I felt like I got a lot out of it and stuff and I'll probably come back and I'll, you know, I'm going to take that on board with the stuff I do at home. And he goes, and while you were meditating, like while you were under, could you notice the construction noise? I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, pretty severely actually. Like they're drilling your wall. Like they're literally drilling into the wall of his property. So he's got the opposite thing where it's like he's not saying, at no point during his guided bit did he say, I know you can hear all that, take it on and think of it as soothing. It was.

Oh, you know, he should do that was like hey I'm probably so good at this so you didn't even notice that there were no he should say that was he trying to big note himself because he was like yeah

because I didn't hear yeah that was it like I'm so good I didn't hear that I've had people do that before guided meditations where you go and it's like a bunch of people

meditating at the same time where people fall asleep and they go oh man I was so deep then I'm like fuck off cunt you're asleep alright I've seen the Z's coming out of your face motherfucker all right i snore that's your that's your um yeah yeah when i've been doing it at home i have that point so i've been doing it at home where i've where i've been like man meditation is great this feels

really really good and then i realize oh no this is the beginning stages of me falling asleep. That's why it feels so good. But that's the point. That's the whole point is to be able to be mindful. Is that the point? Yeah. Or it's to teeter on the edge of having no thoughts or just being. I just go to sleep.

I meditate for eight hours a day. What you're trying to do is be spontaneous and mindful about your thoughts. So it's like you can imagine your thoughts are like clouds in the sky and then you just you sort of sit back and you don't judge them you don't have any like preconceptions about construction is going to be a bad thing for you yeah sit there and you don't think you're not thinking about what gigs do i have to book what anything i have to do or shit i didn't do that properly or you know when this will happen you shut it all off and you just sit back like you're on a beach watching your thoughts go through your head

and you have no judgement of them. They're just spontaneous thoughts that go past that don't stick. And when you can get to that point, even if it's for 10 seconds, sometimes in a 45 minute meditation I'll get it for 10 seconds of a pure feeling of just like not thinking about anything. Yeah, nothing affects you.

I'd be more convinced if you didn't look like Silent J and Bob combined. Yeah, that's it. I'd be more convinced if you didn't look like Silent J and Bob combined. Yeah, that's it. And then I built a biodome and... This is the other thing, the guy because I had an app that I was using for a bit that this is really calming female voice. It's really nice. And then

this dude at the class that I went to he's like coughing every couple of seconds and he's clearing his throat. Oh, that's the worst Now just imagine your thoughts as a river And just It's just this punctuation of this And then he's got this music on

That's you know I don't want So there's so many noises going on Do you know what I mean? It's like trying to Well it's like I can see Because if you're trying to get to sleep...

...and if there's anything disruptive at all... ...you focus on that. Yeah. So that would be the same deal. Can you go, Carl? Can you go with Tommy next time? I'd be happy to go. You should try it.

I think it'd be interesting. It'd be interesting. I'm not poo-pooing. Carl, when they say meditation... ...it's different to masturbation. Oh. Yeah. But I... Can I still go and do that with Tommy?

Yeah. Just don't aim at it. That's another sound in the room. Because you know what? You know what really gets me off? Jackhammers. Bring your wet ones. Well, if this is one to sponsor you to jack it,

you can ask for a jackhammer. Fresh drinking cum for all the kids. Jeez. Drinking cum? all the kids. Jesus. Don't look at me like that. If you guys didn't say whatever you want, fuck you guys. They're going to love me in America. They can say whatever I want. I'm glad I'm so at peace at the moment or that would have really offended me.

Samsara sucks, guys. Can I share something with you? Because it's that interesting thing where it's like, just sit and focus on the breath and if thoughts about other things come into your head, don't stress it. Just let go of them. Just watch them disappear.

And frequently as I'm doing it, little Carl Chandler, his little head is just popping into my mind. And then I just picture you just popping into a puff of smoke like the great gazoo when he fucks off on Fred and Bunny. Oh, really? I've got to tell you, man, it feels great. I've got visions of you sitting in the meditation going, yep, I'm scented, I'm scented, I'm hungry.

No, I'm scented. No, no thoughts. Oh, Subway. Yeah. No, that's got to – how do you dismiss them? Literally, I did it right before dinner today. I had to just keep making myself stop thinking about dinner No, that's got to – how do you dismiss them? Literally, I did it right before dinner today. I had to just keep making myself stop thinking about dinner because I slow cooked a pork shoulder yesterday.

Oh, my God, you hipster. Man, that fucking blue pork is going to be so good. No, no, no, don't think about it. Don't think about it. It's like, yeah, but what else is there worth thinking about? Are you going to sit here and think about nothing or am I going to get excited about this great meal that I've got coming up? Yeah, it is difficult but it's good.

Yeah, you should definitely do it. Yeah, no, I'm keen. I'm keen to do it because this great meal that I've got coming up? Yeah, it is difficult, but it's good. Yeah, you should definitely do it. Yeah, no, I'm keen. I'm keen to do it because it's a thing I've never done. So I'm very open to new experiences. They actually allow you to bring someone else in for each one of the shows that you do. So you can meditate with... What? Shows?

For each one of the meditation classes you go to, you're allowed to bring in another person To take like most of the slack But you called it a show For like your comedy festival show Good, anyway You're saying he's going to get heckled while he does meditation No, what I was saying was that Let's deconstruct what happened here

You sound nervous about that It's fine, it's going to be pretty straightforward Your comedy festival show. Yes. You did. I remember. Every one of your shows you had a person that came and did the show with you. Yes.

And you riffed with them. Yep. The gag I was making there, guys, was that you could do that with the meditation. I'd go easy with the word gag. Again, look at him. He's on a higher plane. Sit very still, clear your mind and have a good think about

what you've just done. I feel if I worded that better, that could have been great. That would have been awesome. That little bit at the end there I think made that worth leaving. Which is a good thing for me in the edit suite later on. Not so much for me, but anyway. You'll be out of the country.

Do they even have the internet over there? Yeah, they don't. Yeah, the customs officers are going to be like, boy, we listened to that last dum-dum, we see why you leave it. We're going to take the word podcaster off your passport now. There's a plane behind you with pitchforks and... Yeah, fire sticks.

Can I talk about this? I had a great moment on Twitter yesterday. Now, do you guys all follow Dr. Carl, the scientist? Oh, no. Dr. Carl Crucial Nilsson. He never says his last name, does he? No. That's why I said it.

He's like Oprah. Oprah who? Yeah, that works, but mine doesn't. Fuck you. I smell a new T-shirt. Who's Oprah? You fucked it up. Oprah who?

It was a joke. Oh, sorry. I thought you were Woodbury. And so yesterday on Twitter, I thought it'd be funny to just ask Dr. Carl, can jet fuel melt steel beams? Which, for those people that don't know, that's like a 9-11 conspiracy thing that then became a meme.

There'll be a photo of someone in a nightclub looking distracted and the text is like, when you realise jet fuel can't melt steel beams. So I just put that out there thinking he won't respond. Five hours later, he replies. And he replies with absolute sincerity too. He wrote back and he said, absolute sincerity too he wrote back and he said can jet fuel

melt steel beams answer depends on air blast wood can melt steel beams with air blast which is like awesome

because he doesn't know it's a joke so he's responded in all seriousness which is like great so I then I start getting

texts from I didn't see it for a bit my friends who were like into memes like me start texting me going, this is a fucking great day for memes.

Dr Karl has answered your can jet fuel melt steel beams question, which then because of the way he. How does he answer that like sincerely? Like what does he think you're up to? If he doesn't know it's a 9-11 reference, what does he think you're using that, how you're applying that knowledge? But that's like him, so for people who don't know it's a 9-11 reference, what does he think you're using that... I'm just curious. ...how you're applying that knowledge? But that's like him.

So for people who don't know, maybe overseas listeners, he does a segment on Triple J once a week where from, I think, it's like 10am. He knows everything. Yeah, he knows everything and people call up and it's always like tradies and they've got these deep science questions. It's stoned people. Yeah, deep questions about the universe. It's like, what do you give a fuck? Stoned people who've written it down. It's like four people. Big questions about the universe and it's like, what do you give a fuck?

Stoned people who've written it down at four o'clock in the morning. There's a lot of tradies going, what flavour milk makes my farts smell better? If I have a strawberry Big M and a servo sausage roll,

will I explode? Well, I told you, Darren, you fucking wanker. I'm back. Someone at the end of their, someone had their question answered one time when I was listening and then they've then snuck in at the end of the call before they hung up

a little cheeky plug for their bricklaying business or whatever. And then they've cut him off and Dr Karl's gone, bricklaying business. Oh, yeah. And then they've cut him off and Dr. Carl's gone, oh, what a shame. Oh, Toby, what a shame that you've ruined it. It's like, well, he even knows about the ABC editorial guidelines. Is there anything that he's not impressed of? It's amazing. But so I've done this to Dr. Carl before where I just think it's funny

to ask him very dumb questions. Like one time I asked him, I said, at Dr. Carl, is The Blues Brothers a good movie one time I asked him, I said, at Dr. Carl is the blues brothers, a good movie. And I've talked about it on this podcast before. And so the way he'll respond is he does that thing on Twitter where he copies your original thing in and then he answers.

So people don't have to follow you to be able to see it. Just people who follow him. And if he answers one of your dumb questions on Twitter, boy, oh boy, do you get a lot of hate. From people who have submitted serious questions about the stars and not managed to get them answered. People crack it.

People get so angry. Like that Blues Brothers day, my feed just lit up with people going, well, you're going to answer this idiot's question about Blues Brothers, but you're not going to answer my question about confirmation bias. About 9-11. Oh, whoops. So yesterday I have that. Like I cop that. I cop that from people knowing that that's a meme thing and knowing that I'm kind of mucking around and annoyed that Dr Karl has bothered to engage me.

Then I start to get actual conspiracy theorists. Oh, the crazy jet fuel people. Like so my page was just a portal like a portal of just insanity

on Twitter. Then Junkie this like online magazine thing they take a screenshot of it and they put it up

on their page so then I'm getting this is the most this is like the best thing that's ever happened to my career and it's all happened to my career. And it's all thanks to 9-11.

That's what I want to say. Thank you, George W. Bush, for orchestrating the attack on the Twin Towers. Never forget Tommy's day on Twitter. Or Building 7. Talk about it. Building 7 who? Building 7 who? So, Carl, do you mind if we talk about this Woodbury very quickly?

You and I, one of the reasons you're going to the States, you've been through a break-up recently. Do you mind us saying that on the air? No, that's exactly what happened. Basically, Desolo wants to have someone sadder than him on the show. Not likely, champ, but anyway. He's way less sad because he's got dual citizenship so he can fuck off from the same country that she's in. You're still in the house.

Yeah, I'm still in the same house. Not with her, to be fair. I know, but you didn't go anywhere. You've still got a bit of a hair that you stroke every night. Gotta sleep, little baby. Sure you can ask me about it, Tommy. Sure you can ask me about my breakup. That's so fucked up of you to say because you split up a month ago

and you're still sleeping in the same bed together. You're doing that great, K-Pup. Yeah, it was an amicable breakup, you know. Of course, it's just that sort of thing, two-year mark, you're like, okay, is this going to work going forward? Blah, blah, it didn't really work out. It's fine. Sad in its own way. Of course, breakups are sad, but, you know. I knew a couple who did that who split up

amicably and they were still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed like seven months on. Purely because they were just both too fucking hopeless to do anything about it. Are you talking about my TV show when the old show was still being played on ABC2 every night of the week? Well, you are me. How did you do that?

Yeah. I can make anything about me. I'm sad. I'm rubbing Carl now. It's nice. It's nice. So we had dinner a couple of days after and there was a great, because you're vegan for the last few years

and we went out to a Vietnamese place. Do you think there was any link between the two? Between my girlfriend being a vegan? Yeah, she's vegan. So you were telling me about the breakup and everything. I thought you were going somewhere really wrong. Like if you're vegan, does that mean you can't eat around?

Geez. No, I could. Are you serious about this? Will we do that? Hey, if you're on the fence, if you're listening and you're on the fence about veganism, just so you now know for a fact, that is allowed. Go check the PETA website FAQs, like, I don't know.

Go check the PETA website FAQs. Like, I don't know. Can I still eat pussy? Yes. Gee, wow. What about cock? Yeah, all of it. I'm factory farming that shit every night. Oh, man.

Oh, wait. This is very quickly, before I get back to this, what I was going to say on the end of Dr. Carl. I think he, like, I wasn't going to... Oh, did you have a punchline for all those? Dr. Carl who? I think... There's too many Carls in this podcast already.

What? There's too many Carls in this podcast already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've brought in a third Carl. It's the worst. With a K. Let's get on to Apollo Creed, Carl Weathers. Carl Barron.

I think if people – I genuinely want to know if our listeners will be into this. I think we should try and get him on the show and we go back over every, like, fucked query that we've ever had over the course of this podcast and we put it to him. So, for example, from last week's episode, has the taste of semen changed and evolved over the last thousand years? Imagine just getting him in here and asking him every raw thing

that's ever come up on the podcast. I reckon that would be quite an event. That's great. Sure, man. Let's do it. Okay. I want to know if people would find that interesting. Hit us up.

That's why I brought it out. Anyway, back to you, Carl Woodbury. Yeah. We were having dinner. You had been telling me about your breakup. Yeah. And then our food came out. You had ordered a chicken pho.

Yeah. And I said, wait, aren't you vegan? And you just look at me and go, eh, not anymore. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, so having said that, though, I actually stopped being vegan maybe a couple months ago. I started eating meat or anything, so maybe that had something to do with it. Did that tip her off?

Could she smell it on your breath? Why does my vagina smell like meat? Not the meat, mate. Not the meat. You've been cheating on me with lamb. I saw you growling out that kebab. I caught you fucking Sam Kierkegaard the other day. Fuck. Yes. Sam Kierkegaard the other day. Fuck.

Yes. Sam Kierkegaard. That does confirm a long-term kind of thing. Because most times, any time I meet someone who's like a vegetarian or vegan, I'll say, so what led you to, you know, what was the choice in your life that you decided to do that? And it's 99% of the time it's, well, I was with this girl, or I was with this guy.'s like oh yeah say no more

it's like you don't need to keep talking all my junkie friends got there that way too how did you get into heroin oh there was this guy or sold a door didn't know what to do with the money but yeah so I kind of stopped a little bit before that but rendering

your anecdote useless. But anyway. What was your first bit of meat that you ate when you were back on the horse? It was actually... Literally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Went to Tesco. It was actually... I didn't really want to.

I was at that Greek restaurant on Johnson Street in Collingwood. It's like a popular one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hosting a trivia night or like a trivia afternoon for some fucking corporate trivia thing. They had their like, you know, they had, oh, we're in the Greek place. And the chef was talking to me. He's like, you want something to eat?

I'm like, no, I'm cool. And versus he came out and he's like, you have to eat this lamb kebab. You have to, or like the shish kebab thing. He's like, you must. It's like our favourite dish. It's like our favourite dish. It's like our famous dish here. I'm like, versus me explaining to this 66-year-old Greek man that I don't eat any of that stuff and why.

I'm a vegan. Because he would never have met someone like that because we would come into his restaurant. Exactly. It's like known for this fucking shish kebab thing and I'm there going, he's like, yeah, he can't speak broken English. Like, you must try it. I'm like, oh, yeah. yeah, he can't speak broken English. Like, you must try it. I'm like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's Borat's restaurant. Yeah, that's it. We've all been there. Yeah, yeah. Why is a Greek, a popular, I know the place you're talking about. That's full all the time. Why are they putting on a trivia night? Was it like a.

Was it Greek themed? No, it was. Every time someone gets a question right, you break a plate? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Racist? Yeah, that's right. Racist. The Delta Kappa questions. You'll love these.

Who invented anal? You guys. Oh, my God. Sorry, I didn't write any other questions, guys. Who's the winner after one? Is it because they'd heard that you'd put caffeine up your bum? They went, oh, he's mad for anal. He'll be good at these.

Yeah, definitely. Our spiritual brother. Yeah, and he's like, oh, you must do it. But the reason why there was a trivia there, I think it was like a corporate thing. So like an IT business had like hired out, you know, the back room or whatever. And they're like, oh, we want to have trivia at it too.

Just more questions. Why is an IT business getting you? I don't know. Not directly to my would do i host trivia on a monday night so it's through that company okay right it all makes sense yeah yeah every every question you have checks out so i'm such so good at reading out trivia questions i can answer one yeah so how what was the experience of that sweet sweet meat touching your lips for the first time in two years? Man, it was so fucking good. It was so good. I was just like, fuck off.

And then Grace, my ex-girlfriend, came to pick me up afterwards. As soon as I got in the car, she's like, did you eat meat? And I was like, no, what are you talking about? I just said there's just heaps of meat in the building. In and around the meat? It's like smoking ciggies or something. No, it's just around meat eaters and it got on me. And she's like, really?

I'm like, nah, I fucking ate meat. She's like, oh, what? Did she get, I want to know if she got that tone of voice that, you know, girlfriends get at Ikea on a Saturday morning. Yeah. Was it like, what are you doing? Are you eating meat? Yeah, yeah, it was like that.

And then I woke up and she like poured like a whole bucket of blood on me. It's pretty funny. She's like, yeah, it was like that. And then I woke up and she poured a whole bucket of blood on me. It's pretty funny. She's like, these are your sheets, bitch. I'm really excited for this feeling because, as I've been talking about on the podcast, I haven't been eating bread since the start of the year. So I, what is it now? It's halfway through May.

Yeah, you haven't had bread all year. And I'm starting to go, you know what? I think I've earned some bread. Yeah, you've got your bread quota up, right? Yeah, yeah. You don't want to break the work of the bread addiction? Just keep going? There's been no point.

Have you been craving the bread? I'm not craving it, but I'm also like there's no reason to not have it. Would you sell a door for bread? I'd sell a door for a carpet. If you meditate now, it's just going to be loaves of Wonder Wife. Constantly having to swat away mentally. Yeah, don't go to his meditation place. It's upstairs from Baker's Delight.

It's just like so exciting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baker's Delight. You call yourself. Jesus. There's no water in that well. It's still getting laughed at, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Stockholm Syndrome with that joke at this point i think we've got one more left i'm still writing help on the window yeah so i'm i'm actually really looking forward because no stage do i go i'm giving up bread forever i'm just going i'm going to see how long i initially it's like oh let's see if i can go without it for a week for two weeks. Now I just happen to have done it for like four and a half months or something like that. So there's no... It's not like I'm giving up

or I'm quitting or anything like that. So I feel like I want to break the drought. What will you break the drought with? I'm looking forward to that feeling. But this is what I've been saying to you for weeks now. You need to plan. You need to have a plan. You need to say like another whatever week.

Yeah. And you have a finish line and you get towards that. You know what happened on the weekend was now that, you know, we've got plenty of listeners and listeners of the show and I've talked about this enough. Now that people, when people see me, they're looking, they're spying on me.

And I went to bloody wherever it was, like a shopping town, Doncaster Shopping Centre. Shopping town? Shopping town. Well, that's what it used to be called. Yeah, I know it did, but now it's Westfield. Oh, sorry. You went down to Shoppo. Shoppo. I went down to Shoppo. Shopping town Shopping town That's what used to be cool Yeah I know it did But now it's Westfield Oh sorry You went down to Shoppo

Shoppo I went down to Shoppo Shoppie And I bought myself A muffin At Baker's Delight And I was like Half way through it

And I got a notification On Twitter Someone had seen me And gone You know muffins Are just basically Sweet bread Chandler Like

Man I don't need people Checking up on me And telling me What is bread And what isn't bread. Clearly you do. You're sneaking in muffins. Yeah, sneaking in muffins.

He has like seven muffins a day. It's not bread. It is bread. It's not bread. It's a muffin. It's called something different, which makes it something different. What was the name of the shop that you bought it from? What was it called? Muffin Break. Oh, I think you said Baker's Delight. Oh, yeah. No, it wasn't. It was Muffin Break.

Muffin Break. There you go. Your story checks out. Yeah, yeah. But it's weird, though, because you said that you weren't eating pizza dough and things like that either. Yeah, yeah. No pizzas, no burgers.

Okay. You're just going to find more loopholes now. You're just going to be like, no, it's damper. It's not bread. I made it myself. It doesn't count. It's got a can of beer in it. It's fine.

I'm going to miss Australia. It's't count. It's got a can of beer in it. It's fine. I'm going to miss Australia. It's not bread. It's toast. That's cute. It's hot bread. What are you going to have? What's your go-to? What's your go-to thing you're going to have?

You've got to plan a pretty spectacular dismount. You've got to go out in style. Well, I'm thinking... A sultana sandwich. That's what I had for lunch. How poor were you as a kid? Wow, you've got a weird definition of dismount. Jesus, that is the saddest.

Let me tell you about my sultana sandwich. That's not a dismount. That's chucking yourself off the Westgate. Let me tell you what I used to do when I was a kid because I love bread. I used to get like slices of white bread and rip the middle out of them, out of the crust and squeeze it up into a ball and then I would put the balls in a glass of Coke. Oh, snap.

All right, I'm off bread again. And that later became Coke Life. I think I've told this on the show before but when I was in prep, I have this weird memory of like the Simpsons had like just recently, it was like new on tv and they had this thing on wonder white where it was like they had Simpsons all over the oh yeah I remember competition and I really wanted to get a loaf of bread so I could enter the competition because I'd seen it advertised so my parents are like all right we'll go to the milk bar with you and get this loaf of bread and

I'm like so and I've like spent the weekend like kind of copying drawings of the Simpsons characters off a loaf of bread Then on Mondays In prep at school We had to like write About what we'd done On the weekend And so my whole page Thing was just like

My parents took me To the shops To get some bread Just a drawing of me Eating bread And I think the teachers Man I wish I could Write that story

I think my teachers Were like Fuck is this kid Being abused That's like That's like a big offence They let him have bread. That's like fan fiction for you now, isn't it?

Erotic fan fiction. Yeah. What did you do with the bread, Tommy? Right in your mouth? So what's it going to be? It's going to be Macca's. It's going to be take away. It's going to be Macca's.

I went to Macca's for the first time in a year yesterday. Yeah. And it was the most awful experience I've had in a really long time. Really? Why? I forgot how shit it was. Then I forgot why I stopped going. You get the fuck off this podcast. I don't need it anymore, but don't you disrespect

my lady. Alright. Did you see the other day how they relaunched the Hamburg luck? Oh no, disaster. I realised the other day, we were talking about that on this podcast, this very podcast on which we've been trying to get McDonald's sponsorship. With Dave Thornton. Like over a year ago, we had a joke about having like a stripper

in a Grimace costume. Oh, really? And then expanding it out into sexy McDonald's characters. And now it's happening. You know what that says to me? They're listening. Yeah. They're listening.

And tight ass, they can't afford any money for sponsorship. They're just taking our ideas for free. They're just taking our ideas because it's happening you know what that says to me they're listening yeah they're listening and tight ass they can't afford any money for sponsorship they're just taking our ideas they're just taking our ideas because it's a year on that sort of idea that would take a lot of time

to run up the flagpole yeah so guys ignore what this fucking idiot Adam Richard said listen to him he's eating Sultana sandwiches

yeah and just complaining about the quality of McDonald's get on to us and give us that sweet coin. I did not enjoy it. That's just my own personal opinion. I'm not saying that everyone should agree with me.

If you go to Big Mac... I won't. No, your story checks out. Good one. But no, you get three bits of bread. You've got the top, the middle bit of bread and then a bottom bit of bread. I mean, if you really want to throw a big fuck you to the last six pounds,

that'd be how you do it. Yeah, that's three in one. You can't beat that. At McDonald's, with the current menu, you cannot beat that. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but I don't need to. Like, it's not like I need to get as much bread as possible straight away. You need to eat the quota that you

need to catch up. I'll make you an Elvis sandwich. Oh, yes. That's a lot of bread What is it? Is that the banana and the peanut butter and shit? Yeah, it's like banana and peanut butter and it's fried Oh no I want to

See, this is why I've literally been thinking about this As you were coming here today I was thinking, you know what? Is this the day maybe I had a little fantasy like you have in your meditation of my head popping up I had a little fantasy of me and you going to McDonald's after this podcast. Oh, do you want to? Let's do it.

Maybe. Let's do it. And maybe build our own burger. Oh, I mean, I've had dinner, but I'll sit with you and watch that happen. Oh, no, well, you've got to, you know, it's like I can't go to a bar with you and you watch me drink. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be shit.

Yeah. That's not how it works. No, I want cheese. Are you? No. He'll have a McFlurry. That's not how it works. No, I want cheese. Are you? No. He'll have a McFlurry. And then possibly an ice cream. Just what Wimpy was saying before about...

McFlurry who? Fucking hell. All right, well, let's put a bit in this now. Okay, how about this? Before the next episode, timing permitting if we can, which we should be able to do, let's go, there's a Build Your Own Burger not that far from me. We'll go do it before we record the next episode.

Like right before we record the next episode. We'll get takeaway. We'll bring it and so I can eat it during the podcast. But you can build your own burger takeaway. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, the end. Not a minute too soon. To be continued.

To be continued who? I like that. A fresh take on an old classic. Carl Woodbury, we're going to miss you. Best of luck overseas. Can you just relay, you are responsible for perhaps one of my favourite quotes in comedy. It was about the night that you were running Five Burrows Comedy while Carl Chandler was out of town.

And you, I mean, look, you fucked it. You pulled the curtain off the rail at one point. Ripped the rail out of the wall, out of the plaster. Left the light on. A few other misdemeanours. A bunch of things went wrong. Carl Chandler

was, you know, this was before he's pract practiced mindfulness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he had all those bad bread toxins going. I could see his base chakra firing up, yeah. He was very angry at you. He wasn't too bad. You weren't too bad.

Disappointed. He was disappointed. And can you remember your quote from the next day when you were telling a group of this? I can't remember. I can't remember it. You said, Carl was so disappointed. And if you think angry Carl is disappointed and if you think angry Carl is disappointed, if you think angry Carl is bad,

wait until you see disappointed Carl. Jesus Christ, the Westgate wanted to throw itself off me. I mean, I think that's going to remain as one of my favourite quotes of Melbourne comedy. Fuck, man. I've let you down so many times in the past. I'm so fucking acute to it. Well, hopefully that was the last time I let you down, besides that joke times in the past. I'm so fucking acute to it. Well, hopefully that was the last time I let you

down, besides that joke before in the podcast. That's definitely one of the last times. A few days until you leave, there's still time. Yeah, I've got a gig for you to do. Jesus! No! Well, okay, let's plug that. Carl Woodbury's last gig in the country. Thursday night, this Thursday night, that's tomorrow

if you listen to this, the day it comes out. Portland Hotel Comedy. Yep, 8.30pm. Come say g'day and just, you know, see what he does, see how he fucks it. I won't fuck it. You won't fuck the gig. You'll be great at the gig, but, I mean, you'll trip over. Something will happen.

I want someone to just walk up to you afterwards and go, you should know me. Jim Owens on too and Tom Ballard should be a pretty sweet night and the Wisdom Laughter podcast people can find on iTunes and at Wise Laughter on Twitter

yeah at Wise Laughter on Twitter Wisdom Laughter the podcast on iTunes and Facebook and just for myself Carl Woodbury on Facebook and you're going to keep pumping them out

with LA dudes once you're over in the States I will it might be a little bit of a break Colorado dudes just the guys from the back of the truck

I'll go into the into Denver and all the fantastic comics It might be a little bit of a break. Colorado dudes. Just the guys from the back of the truck. I'll go into Denver and all the fantastic comics we know from there, of course. Awesome. Adam Richard, the Shelf podcast. Yeah, that's still going. Anything else you would like to plug? Yeah, but he lives in Sydney. Oh, sure.

Comedy's easy. The six minute mark it took you to get to that Yeah Totally That Sultana sandwich really fucked with you I really enjoyed that Sultana sandwich At Adam Richard

on Twitter adamrichard.com I'll mention things that I'm doing on there if people want to turn up We've got our t-shirts littledumbdumbclub.com

We are currently we're putting together more of our live stuff in other states so keep an eye out for that if you want to keep abreast of all that stuff

at dumbdumbclub on twitter and is it what's it littledumbdumbclub on facebook I believe yeah

we're on instagram as well now yep how long have you been doing this and you having to check with each other what the websites are

they've all got different we've never met we usually do this through the down the line. Different cities. And hey, little dumdumclub at gmail.com if you want to get in touch.

Hit us up. If you want to hear Dr. Carl and we'll try and make it happen. And also if you could help us out with unanswered science-based questions from previous episodes that you'd like to hear him dig into. If we can get enough of them,

we'll make it happen. Who is asking you science questions? Like just, anyway, let's ask this later. Guys, that's it for now. We'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.

Thanks for everything, guys. See you, mates who? I fucking hate you cunts.