The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 255 - Dave Anthony & Gareth Reynolds

Episode Date: August 26, 2015

Steam Pranks, Uber Ice Cream and Looking Left and Right. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, we've got a special announcement for the start of this week's episode. We've gotten some new t-shirts made that say, I am aware of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yes, that's right. You demanded it and here they are. And to celebrate, we're having a big live show in Melbourne, Saturday, September the 5th at the European Beer Cafe at 4pm. If you come down and buy a ticket to that,

you're going to see us do all our usual dickheadery and you're going to get first dibs on these sweet new t-shirts. And then after that, we'll look into posting them off to people in other states. But for now, littledumbdumbclub.com to get yourself a ticket for Saturday, September the 5th in Melbourne. It's going to be heaps of fun with special guests, us doing a live podcast. Also Adelaide and Perth. We are in Perth, October the 18th, and in Adelaide, November the 17th, doing our big live shows, live podcasts, live stand-up,

bringing guests over with us. It's going to be heaps of fun. So get down and check out those things. Also, very quickly, if you're in Melbourne, I am starting a new regular comedy gig Tuesday nights at the Catfish in Fitzroy. Give us a like on Facebook and Twitter. We're at Catfish Comedy. We launch on September the 1st with headliner Tommy Little.

So jump onto those things, littledumdumclub.comcom and we'll see you out there. See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And today, very special episode, joined by two of our bestest overseas buddies. Is that fair? Yeah.

Who's better? Who's better buddies to us than these two? From overseas? Yeah. Don't do this. Don't do this right away. We're struggling. I mean, now you're going to figure out who you like more than us?

No, no, no. Right away? Who likes us more? I'm trying to do the right away. We're struggling. Now you're going to figure out who you like more than us? No, no, no. Who likes us more? I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm going, I'm going to fuck a million names in my head. I'm worried you're going to fire a name off.

No, no, no. I'm holding you all back. If this is part of the illusion, I'm in. Yeah, exactly. I could name you 10 right now, but I'm choosing to go, no, no, no, you guys are better.

Okay, I'll take it. Well, you know them from the dollop. It's Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. What's up, girl? Hi, Dave. Do. It's Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. Hey. What's up, girl?

Hi, Dave. Do you guys know each other? Yeah, no, we've met, but Dave just gave me a weird nod. We're in a very slick apartment that you guys have rented for the week. You're here doing live dollop shows and stand-up shows and stuff. This is a very New York-y sort of apartment. It is. Yeah, that's what's great about it.

It's super New York-y. Yeah, we're in it next door. I thought it was like in a normal hotel where normal people go, but it looks like a shithole-y. I thought it was in a normal hotel where normal people go, but it looks like a shithole from downstairs. It's part of the great thing. People don't know. And there's a shitload of windows.

It's great. Masturbating in here is really hot. It's a thrill. It heightens the whole thing. Just trying to time it before the horse and carriage comes past in there because they're up high enough that they'll get a good look in. That's what I'm after. Or just me coming out of the bedroom and being like, oh, there you are.

The windows were all steamed up and Gareth wrote Dave Anthony likes penises. Oh, really? Which is really great. Could you read it from the inside or from the outside? Inside, but it just means the next time the windows steam up, that's going to be there. That's really what it was for, was the next guest.

Do you ever do that? Do you ever write in a hotel mirror? I always write weird shit. When I fog up, like steam up a hotel mirror, I always write something weird like nice pubes. Really? Yeah. No, but you're actually making me, I should start doing that more.

It's great. Little pranks that you leave even a hotel room where the maid isn't going to find it. Yeah. So something that's... Well, and I had it done to me. That's where. Little pranks that you leave even a hotel room where the maid isn't going to find it. Yeah. So something that's... Well, and I had it done to me. That's where it started. I didn't come up with it,

but there was a time when I was in a hotel and I don't remember what was written, but like, you look good naked or something. And then, of course, I took it a way creepier route. Yeah. But the seed was from someone else. Me and my friend used to go to this same pub, but we'd rarely be there at the same time.

And we used to... There was like a little crack in one of the bricks in the wall where we had a bit of paper where we would leave notes to each other were you uh were you a spy was this a yeah i don't know why we just thought it was the yeah what were the notes it was just like hey man what's up it's just like it's just like text messages fire to texting yeah yeah but over But this is like six years ago. We had phones, so we talked regularly. I was like, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm going down to that pub. Oh, yeah? Make sure you check out the wall. And then you look at the wall. Bought a new pair of shoes today. Bet they look good, buddy. What kind are they? Slip it back in.

I like it's not even writing on a wall so other people can see it. It's like, no, this is too private. Bought some new shoes. Imagine that. That's your secret code with your friend is you're literally scribbling on the wall of the pub. It's like fun from the 1600s what you guys were doing. Yeah, it's one step above like a tin can on a bit of string. Above's a strong word.

It's a strong word, right? Cans are fun. So guys, you're in here. You're in an Airbnb that you're renting. What the listeners really want to know is what are you paying to be in here? What's it costing? Good question, Tommy.

Dave? Is this all in the touring budget? Have you got the spreadsheet? Is there any way to get the spreadsheet? Do you want me to look it up? What kind of review are you leaving this guy? It's probably not that much. Going to leave him a good review.

Actually, Dave said... He owns the place downstairs. He's awesome. He started listening to the podcast. Oh,'s awesome. He started listening to the podcast. Oh, the shop? He started listening to the podcast. Oh, there you go. Oh, really?

Yeah. Is that how you get so many listeners? Yeah, we just rent out a place. It's mainly through Airbnbs. Honestly, even in LA, we'll stay mostly in Airbnbs. You can kind of drop the podcast casually, then someone feels guilted into it. Let's boost our numbers in regional areas. Let's go bed and breakfast.

Yes. Great. I love it. Let's do a tour there. Do just a live podcast. It's just us in the dining room of the bed and breakfast in regional areas. Let's go bed and breakfast. Yes, great. I love it. Do just a live podcast. It's just us in the dining room of the bread and breakfast in the morning. Let's get some more listeners in Gippsland. Let's talk about the apartment more and you can get the guy who owns this joint to put a link to this episode of the podcast on the listing of his Airbnb page.

I mean, this is getting great. I think he's going to really love this information we're going to drop on him. Put a link to this episode on a piece of paper and stick it in the wall. Put it on CD and just leave it in the DVD player for the next person who comes. That's how it's done. Check the DVD player. Do a transcript on the window. Oh, that's good.

Did you guys get a chance to see our giant iron door contraption? Yeah, I like that. That will seal you in, I guess, in case there's an apocalypse? This whole place is a panic room. Yeah, but the windows are a real red flag in the panic room situation. Yeah, that's a problem. It's going to end real bad. You're like, they can't come in through the door.

Fuck! 900 windows! Dave Anthony loves penis. Get him! How in-depth do you guys go with your Airbnb reviews? You know, they give you like a whole,

they give you like a 2,000 word limit. How much do you need to say? Oh, do you do it? I just say it's a nice, yeah, I always do. If it's a nice place, yeah, I do it.

Because I think people, you want people to reward the guy who's got a nice place. I do the TripAdvisor karma. I feel like I need to go and review everyone. Really?

I feel like TripAdvisor is just fucking bullshit. You guys debate reviews. Because everywhere you go if you travel around there's guys like, hey man, can you give us a good review on TripAdvisor? They're asking people. They'll give you like, hey, if you give us a good review on TripAdvisor, we'll

give you a free dinner. They do shit like that. I had an Uber driver lock the door and lock me in and wouldn't let me out until I'd given him a five star. Until he witnessed me give him a five star on my phone. Because they live and die by that rating. Rating is so

fucking important. If someone gives them a one star, they're real fucked. If they dip below an average, they have to go and do training and stuff. It's like a hostage situation at this point when you're in the Uber. If you're just trying to have a casual conversation,

he's like, I like whatever music you like. You're like, what? No. I've never done Uber. I still haven't done Uber. What? Yeah.

What are you doing? Do you... You take a horse to the pub and then put a note behind a brick for someone to come in? Yes. And I'm going to kill myself now. Segway guy? What? Segway man? Segway, yeah, yeah, yeah. All in. Yes. Segways? I'm going to kill myself now. Segway guy?

What? Segway man? Segway, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the bad things. That's what I do. I'm an idiot. This is classic Carl taking his time to come around. I reckon start of January 2017, you're going to get your first Uber.

That's my prediction. It'll take you that long to get around to it. I'm keen to do it. I'm fine with doing it. It's not anal. It's just... Keen to do it. I mean, you do sound like an 80-year-old. Yeah, yeah. It's not anal. You do sound like

an 80 year old. And then I haven't done it yet. It's not fucking skydiving. I know. My bucket list? I'd love to take an Uber. Imagine. Imagine me.

His first Uber, he's going to have nowhere to go. He's just going to call one and get in and go, let's go for a ride. Let's see what your service is all about. They also rate you, which is, you could, you know, yeah, the Uber driver rates you, too. So you can always find out what your rating is. What do they do? How do they rate you? I mean, you, like, you know, if you're a fucking dick.

I think, honestly, like, when people are shit-faced, like, they can kind of flag people like that. Or if you try and, like, if you take a, you know, if you've got a beer in and you're, like, you know, drinking midway through. Yeah, or you're, like, punching him in the head while he's driving, being like, give me all that change there. Or you bring a sheep. Yeah, or you bring a sheep.

Oh, yeah, you can't do a runner from an Uber, then, I guess. Can you? No, you can't. No, you can't. But what I like to do, I still just jump out and pretend that I am just to feel a bit naughty. I'm not actually committing any crime. It's just like a little role play that I do for myself.

You're like, I actually live up here on the right and then you just roll out of it. He's like, what? No, I have your stuff. You're like, sucker! Later, punk! You just hide in a liquor store for like 10 minutes. Oh, man, this sounds exciting.

Yeah, you should do it. You should get onto it. I'm pretty excited for you having never tried Uber. How is 2013? It's good. Wow, that's a whole two years ago. Brutal. I did see, because I had a promotion here not very long ago,

like two weeks ago, where they gave out, like it was this weird promotion. They gave out ice cream and there was something else. Yeah did see, because I had a promotion here not very long ago, like two weeks ago, where they gave out, like it was this weird promotion. They gave out ice cream and there was something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got hats. Yeah, yeah. There was a thing where they gave out hats and ice cream and stuff like that.

So people, I was working in an office with a girl. Your guy's Uber is ridiculous. Wait, that was Uber? Yeah. Uber had a day, like a promo day, where they were like, hit us up, book an Uber, and we'll deliver ice cream to you. But, so that was the sales pitch, right? So then I'm working in an office, and this girl saw it and went, oh my god, I'm doing that.

So she hit up this Uber, and then they turned up, and the guy goes, okay, so how many tubs did you want of ice cream? Tubs? Yeah, how many tubs of ice cream? And she's like, oh, I didn't know you got an option. And he's like, what, eight? Is eight enough? What? Very high number for tubs.

He started on eight. This is business negotiating. He's high balled. You can negotiate 15 probably pretty easily. I'm going to need at least 17. Eight? No way. He goes, eight.

Starts with eight. What do you need, like casually? Eight? Eight tubs of ice cream? And she goes, um, um, and like low balls him and just goes, what about three? Oh. Three? Fuck.

Huge drop. Man, that's a drop in the ocean. Bang. Three. There you go. I don't give a shit. I give you everything you want. Yeah.

So then she gets three tubs and then realizes and he goes, okay, cool. And then just charges her for the tubs of ice cream. What the fuck is going on? Wait, what? Yeah. And then she pays 20 bucks a tub of ice cream. What? 20 bucks a tub?

And she's down 60 bucks. He was asking her to pay 160 bucks off the bat. I thought it was an ice cream giveaway. No. Because it was not promoted properly. The balloons are free. She just got six tubs of ice cream at 20 bucks a pop, came back in with three tubs of the same flavored ice cream.

She didn't even get a mix. No, she didn't even get a mix. Wow. I just came in and went, who wants any of my ice cream? I mean, Uber, that was a scam, right? Yeah, Uber was like, we're going to make some ice cream money. Yeah.

Uber's not being good to the past. Uber's been bought out by Mr. Whippy at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've already eaten into the taxi driver's money. Now they're getting into Baskin and Robin. Yeah, leave them alone, goddammit. They're like, we have nine flavors now. Sorry, we lost a bunch back there.

Uber sold them all to people who didn't know they wanted ice cream. And then it's in the backseat of a car, so it's all melted. Yeah, because what time is this? Like three in the afternoon or something? What if you had to go to the fucking airport? You're like, six? Alright, six, fine. Just please hurry. I'm in a rush. But also, it also turns

Uber drivers into fucking ice cream vans. Right. But they're also getting a cut. So, of course, they're going to be like, eight? You want eight? Yeah. That'll be $160.

But how dodgy is that to go to know that you're charging someone for ice cream and then open with, what do you want, eight? It's unbelievable. Super dodgy. It's unbelievable. You want $160 worth of ice cream? I cannot believe that Uber drivers don't have integrity. Yeah, I know. It's real naivety on her part to see that promotion go around and go,

well, this will be free. I mean, nothing in this life is free. You know what I mean? You've got to have some common sense. Did they start delivering food here? Is that why? Because in L.A., they deliver food now. Oh, I don't think that.

You can have Uber go pick up a meal for you they deliver food now. Oh, I don't think... You can have Uber go pick up a meal for you. Oh, right. No, I haven't. I mean, I'm sure maybe you can in special notes. Remember the guy? I was going to get in a cab here yesterday. I see a cab and I run over to him. He goes, where are you going? I go down to Errol Street. He goes, ah, and he points at

a lunch and he goes, I'm delivering that up the street. I was like, what? In a normal taxi. Yeah, a normal taxi. Why did he let you in when he's in the middle of that run already? He just hoped that you were going to coincidentally be... I think he was hoping that I'd be going in the same way. Yeah, right. Trying to turn a bit of...

Double your... You go in the same way as his bolognese? You want to split a cab with a penne? What kind of rating are you giving your bolognese on an Uber? I'm fascinated. The tub thing is what? That's, to me, it's not the money.

It's the fact that it's coming in tub form. I saw that advertised on the day. I'm like, geez, an ice cream would be nice, but you think you're just getting a paddle pop. You're getting it in the least practical way to consume it. It's almost like they've just found a dumpster full of ice cream and were like, fuck. You know, why don't we just tell people we'll give it to them?

Because the idea of this promotion is it's meant to be this light-hearted, hey, Uber, we just come around and look at everyone's having an ice cream. It's not meant to be this practical long-term situation where you're stocking yourself up with ice cream for the next six months. And then it's put this girl in the situation of coming into an office with three tubs of ice cream at 12 o'clock and gone, who wants ice cream for lunch?

Hey everyone, I'm crazy. Worst period ever, guys. Because they were doing cat Uber for a bit. Cat Uber? It was like one day where it was like you could book an Uber and a guy would just turn up with a cat and you could just kind of pet it and then they would leave. You want to pet a cat?

You want to have any cats? You want to pet 30? All right, cool, pet 30 cats. 30 bucks a cat, 30 bucks a pet. You want a tub of cats? You want a big tub of cat petting? So you get cats, ice cream, and so next one is Sex and the City DVDs?

Yeah, yeah. You are targeting, that's a female demo that Uber are asking. Uber husband's going to be starting soon. Yeah, what are the blokes getting something out of this equation? When's an Uber with a crusty demon on the backseat coming in? Where's an Uber with $2 peeps? A blow Uber. That would be great.

So the Uber pulls up at the front of your house and it's all curtained off, and then two bucks comes front of your house and it's all curtained off. Yeah. And then two bucks comes out of your account and the curtains just part. She's just on the back seat having a great old time. Do you know, there are things called $2 peep shows here. You would understand what that is. Oh, sure. Dave and I hit a lot of peep shows in America and here.

We know peep shows. Mainly peep shows. Oh, mainly peep shows. Is that your preferred form of pornography? Yeah, that's where I feel the most connected to the girl. Is that your preferred form of pornography? That's where I feel the most connected to the girl. It's my preferred form of sex. Oh, really? Just when you know you're giving

them way less than a tub of ice cream. Yeah. But you can't put ice cream in the machine. I tried. I tried. It does not work. The peeps have been getting a lot of traction on the podcast lately, mainly because when we were doing our live episodes, we were opposite one on Elizabeth Street at the Joint, where you did the doll.

Oh, yeah. There's one there. Are they popular here? I've never been to one. Let's get that out. You never went in curiosity-wise? Because I went into one. I have not ever been to one either.

I've seen girls before, and I've seen $2 before. I don't need to. Have you seen $2 leaving you before? You really got to see the quality of lady that's in a peep place. Do I got to? It's really something you have to witness once in your life. Well, I'll tell this. So I went after we did the 250th live episode.

The official after party of the little dum-dum club. I went and it was a group of us of comics that had been there, included in which was Demi Lardner. Do you guys know Demi? Young, Australian comedian. Very little girl that looks like a boy. Yes. Oh, I think I do, yeah.

She got the logo of this podcast tattooed on her leg as part of our 250th show. Okay. Really? So we all go in. There's a big group of us. We go in, and the guy running the joint, he goes nuts as we walk in. He goes, get out. This is an adult establishment. Get out. And we go, he goes nuts as we walk in. He goes, get out. This is an adult establishment.

Get out. And we go, no, no, we're adults. And so he goes, right, get your IDs out. And so we all get them out. He looks at Demi's ID first and goes, oh, okay, sure. And then we all go to hand over our IDs. And he goes, no, no, no, don't worry about it. So in his mind, when he saw this group of us walk in,

he thought we were a group of old men just taking this young little boy into the peeps at like 11 p.m. on a Saturday night. Like that was the reality that he thought he was living in. Have you never done that? No. What, been taken in? It's the best way to get free ice cream there. Take a young boy in.

What, have I never taken a child into a peeps? Yeah, I mean, it's just like a rite of passage. You know, you hit a certain age, five, you go to a peep show. Yeah, well, Dave ran a Make-A-Wish for a while. That was mainly that. It was actually I'll Make You a Wish. It was a step down. If you're working in a peep show now,

in the day where webcams are are the biggest fucking thing in the world, you are so low rent. Yeah, but you can always break through that glass and have at it. How much are you making? Like a monster. Can't do that with a webcam. Just me going into the peep show with a sledgehammer. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna

free her! Come on, honey! Come with me if you want to live! You've got not even a sledgehammer, you've just got like a full, like a very high tech glass cutting device like they'd use in a spy movie. It's like a laser. You're in like a cat burglar outfit. And then the suction cup, and you're just pulling off a perfect

circle. And you're like, that circle's not big enough for her to get out of. Fuck. Here, hand me some of your stuff, and then I'll go get a bigger circle cut. Oh, wait, you don't have any stuff. You've got no clothes. Oh, right. Okay. Hand me the money.

Is it like the opposite of a concert now where people hate being filmed, but they're just like, fucking bring it on. You know, film me. Get me some exposure. Please. I need a break. All right, so I was living in San Francisco, film but they're just like fucking bring it on you know film me get me some exposure please anything i need a break all right so i was living in san francisco and uh and we when we were starting out as comedians uh there's a famous club that's where um oh fuck now i can't remember his name but the famous whole community lenny bruce where lenny bruce used to perform and got arrested a lot

and so someone started an open mic there and but it was now in just the shitty part of town. And there was across the street a peep show. And so a bunch of comedians, we go over there. And it's like a circle one. So they're dancing in the middle. And then there's a bunch of windows around them. Oh, yeah. That's what this one on Elizabeth Street is.

That's what I imagine. Yeah. And the thing goes up. First of all, it smells like gentlemen have been doing stuff in there and no one's been cleaning it for a while. What a lovely turn of phrase. Gentlemen have been doing stuff. What do you mean?

Throwing the ball around? Yeah, tossing the ball around. Sweaty guy stuff? Yeah, yeah, guy stuff. Painting a fence. Yeah, guy time. I love it if my mom had walked in at age 15. Smells like gentlemen have been doing stuff in here.

Well, thank you, mum. Gentlemen have. Gentlemen have been doing it in their gym socks, mother. My little gentleman's discovering himself. Are you putting on that top hat again? Yes, mother. Is that a monocle I can hear? I hear the clicking of saucers

and glasses. So, the window goes up, and there's two... The curtain thing goes up. No, it's like a... The window goes up. No, it's not a curtain thing. It's like a... I don't know. It's like a panel. But it's still a window divides you.

Right. So a panel goes up and goes... Right. It's like a black panel, and it goes up, and now there's a window. And I'm looking, and I can see my friends, and I'm just kind of... Hot. It's good to catch up. And so we're kind of making each other laugh.

And then one of the girls is... She's not in that good of the girls is she's not in that good of shape and she's dancing and she turns around and she's got this gigantic zit on her ass. Wow, am I glad

to hear the word zit. Like enormous. Wow, I'm loving this story. I'm about to become a bit of a gentleman if you know what I mean. Magnified gentleman here. Sounds like you want

to pop your own zit. So I start laughing and then I can't. Compassionate. And then I can't stop laughing and I'm just fucking losing it. I've completely, you know those things

you've just completely lost your fucking mind. Yeah. And I just can't stop laughing and they stop dancing. Because you're laughing too much. And they're like, we are not going to keep dancing

unless he goes. And this other guy's like, come on, buddy. Get the fuck out of here. And I'm just laughing. And then when he goes down, I put more money in. Comes back up, and I just keep fucking laughing. Stop putting money in. And they're just standing there staring at me.

And then a guy comes over. Come on, buddy. You got to go. Come on. No laughing, man. Get out of here, pal. If you want to laugh, you go somewhere else. I made the peep show girls go on strike. Yeah, no sick, man. Get out of here, pal. If you want to laugh, you go somewhere else.

I made the peep show girls go on strike. Yeah, no sick shit. Stop laughing. Hey, man, you're grossing the girls out with all your laughing. Now take your dick out and stroke it like a man. Yeah, well, because to be fair, that is exactly the same as if you were doing a stand-up gig and people just started whipping their dicks out and going for it. It's the wrong response. Totally.

It's the exact same thing. If there's ever a time to not have glass between you and her, it. It's the wrong response. It's the exact same thing. If there's ever a time to not have glass between you and her, it's then, because you could easily just take care of the kid. You know,

pop that shit real quick. Yeah. Oh, I could have lanced it. I could have taken care of that bad boy. Yeah. You want me to get in there, honey? Come a little closer.

I'm going to repeat a story here, but Josh Earl, when he was on the podcast during the comedy festival and we were talking about the $2 peeps, he has a mate who swears that one when he was on the podcast during the Comedy Festival and we were talking about the $2 peeps, he has a mate who swears that one time he was at the peeps and he put the money in and the curtain went up

and the woman was just there eating a bucket of KFC. Oh, my God. Now, that's... So, Dil would have been like, yeah, baby. My girl. Dil Rook-Jai Singer would have been like, man, is that... Oh, okay, I'm going to get into stripping. How much for chicken

how much for some of the chicken then next time Dil goes down he's just putting in money and hoping there's gonna be chicken he would have been the first man kicked out of a strip club

for coming too hard it's a matter of time though as a society until we are going places to just look at buckets of chicken get the girl out of there

let me just look at that food oh god damn it look at that chicken holy fuck there's a pimple on that wing of chicken. Get the girl out of there. Let me just look at that food. Oh, goddammit. Look at that chicken. Holy fuck. There's a pimple on that wing. I'm into it, though. I don't have so much stripper experience, but you told a story recently

about going to a massage. This is the thing that blows me away. You went to a massage. You got a massage in the middle of the city, in Bourke Street, the main street of Melbourne. Handytown? Handytown. Yeah, well...

Two dollar dick waves? Rub out? Well, this is the thing. I thought in the main street of Melbourne it would be all legitimate. You got a massage. You were offered to become a gentleman at the end of it. To gentleman. Would you like a top hat? I went... To gentleman. Yeah. I went along...

Would you like a top hat? I went along with Dilruk. The place was his suggestion. Right. Now, he swears that he didn't know that this was a place that did that. Just his suggestion, though. Yeah. I have to believe him.

Yeah. I'm forced to believe him. So, yeah. But he would be honest. I mean, that dude doesn't lie really right? He's got no reputation to sort of besmirch So I go in

and I go into the room with the massage and it was like there's a steam room in there as well That's great There's a sign on the door of the sauna thing that says do not come in here If you have high blood pressure Which I do

Okay But then I go Well I take stuff for it So technically Yeah you don't It's not high now You're Iron Man I guess I'm fine

You're Iron Man You got that heart But how exciting Is your massage gonna be That you can't fucking Have high blood pressure No no This is just for the sauna

It's just for the steam room Massages aren't supposed to be Exciting They're supposed to be relaxing Yeah That's what I'm saying Like why do for the steam room. Massagers aren't supposed to be exciting. They're supposed to be relaxing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, if you have high blood pressure, that's supposed to help you anyway. Yeah, no, but this sign was just on the door of the steam room, right? Because it's like, because it's pretty, I mean, the sauna is a pretty fucked thing, realistically.

Yeah. So then I'm going in and I'm trying to relax and just enjoy the steam, but I'm going, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to die in here. Like, I'm going to have a stroke in this sauna. So that already, I'm just, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to die in here. Like I'm going to have a stroke in this sauna. So that already I'm just, I'm more tense than when I went in. Like I go into the sauna for like five minutes and then I go, I've got to get out of here. This is just, this is just not worth it. So I go, then I go into the room where you get the massage

and I've just got a towel around me and I walk in and she goes, so yep, anyway, take it off. Take it all off. And I'm like, like, all of it? Like, be, like, completely. Did she at least give you $2 first? You should have told her you had high blood pressure. I can't handle getting nude. It stresses me out.

And I'm like, oh, really? And she goes, what, are you shy? I'm like. Oh, wow, you're getting taunted. I'm like, no, I'm not shy. So then I'm just. Start masturbating. Fuck it. I'm doing your job, I'm not shy. So then I'm just... Start masturbating. Fuck it.

I'm doing your job for you right now. Are you shy? Who's shy? So now I'm just nude in front of this person. And then I lie down on the bench thing and face down. Amazing already, by the way. Just having her make you get nude. Yeah.

I got to say, just standing around nude in front of another person, it felt fucking good. In front of a stranger, I think I've unlocked something. This is the beginning of his nude. It's a matter of time until he's running a peep show. He's got a nude resort down on the beach.

This bit is going to be played in court at some stage. That way, if something happens to you by accident, you're like, oh, that felt good. I better not entertain that.

Yeah, all right, well, I tried heroin, time to forget about it. Your next women's show is going to be you full frontal,

just you naked the whole time. Oh, man. Talking about how great it is. Fuck, for an hour.

To the three people in the audience. For an hour, I just talk about how great it is. No, and that is definitely when you have the peep show glass, when he's doing that show.

Yeah. Want to hear more? Put more money in. My parents have always been very supportive and come to every show I've done. I think that's the year they'll drop off. They're not coming to watch my nude show. At least dad.

At least bring your 60-year-old friends and stuff along. All right, so you're naked. I'm naked. I'm face down. I'm getting the massage, and then I start to notice that the hands are sort of going. Yep, towards your asshole. They're going pretty far down. Trying to get right in that asshole.

Sort of skirting along the inner thigh work. Are you on face or back? I'm face down. Okay. Oh, yeah, see the asshole. Face down, ass up. Wait a minute. She's getting at the asshole.

There's a lot of inner thigh work going on. It sounds like, Dave, it sounds like you've had some of this action. It sounds like you just want it. I want him. It's not a choose your own adventure. Isn't this D&D? This isn't D&D? So I start, you know, I'm being touched in a very sensitive area.

And so my thought process then is, because I know that at a certain point I'm going to be probably turned around. I'm like, don't get a wreck during the massage. But that's the thing. That's how it works. I know. But that's when it clicks. And I go.

Yeah, she's trying to make you hard. Oh, no. This is preamble. Oh, really? This is preamble to the main event. Oh, yeah. Because if she gets you hard, then you want to get jerked off. I think it's a. That's why you start on the back. Oh, really? This is preamble to the main event, right? Oh, yeah, because if she gets you hard, then you want to get jerked off. Like, I think it's a... That's why you start on the back.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. So then I've got my head in the... Wait, hold on. Can I ask you a question? Is she attractive at all? Yeah. Okay. Sure. I love all women, Dave. So she's not attractive. How close

is Dilrock to you at the moment? Oh, he's in a different room. Oh, he's massaging me. No, he's in a different room. He's just right at the head of the table looking at Tommy in the eyes going, it's going to be okay. We're going to get chicken after this. I already had chicken.

Okay, so are you getting... By the way, can I tell a very, very quick Dilruch story? A story within a story? Yeah, a story within a story. I just want to tell... Actually, you know what? I'll say it for the next time he's on. Whatever. Anyway. Wow. I was just... He went to the Harlem... Now you're getting... Now Dick's hard for no reason.

Yeah. Now I'm massaging the inner thigh. You don't have to tell. Whatever you want to tell. No, he went to the Harlem Globetrotters with my friend Sam and Sam said he was just way too... Yeah, but this is it. Dill was way too into it where it was like someone's spinning a ball on his finger and then another guy's bringing a ladder out and Sam's like,

oh, check out, this guy's going to bring out the ladder and Dill goes, don't spoil it! I got money on this thing! I put a lot of money on the generals. Senators, whatever. So, yeah, so there's a bit of money on the generals. Senators and everything. So, yeah, so there's a bit of inner firework. I'm like, oh, fuck. And then, so I've got my head in the little hole thing

on the thing, and she just... Wait, is this still at the Harlem Globetrotters? I'm erect at the Globetrotters. I'm spinning a basketball on my cock. Just going... Oh, my God. Don't spoil it! There's got to be a tech foul my cock. Just going... Oh my god. Don't spoil it! There's got to be a tech foul in somewhere.

Oh yeah, that's not... There's nothing in the rule book that says that a man can't spin a ball in his cock. That's travelling in some form. So I then... She appears near my head and just goes and I look up and she's just

standing there and she goes you want and she does the what we all know is the do you want to get jerked off hand? the classic jerk off hand movement every single civilization understands that and so I go oh no I'm right thanks and she goes

really? she's shocked yeah and I go yeah She's shocked. Yeah. And I go, yeah, it is a pretty, I guess it is a pretty weird thing to turn down. And so then she just goes back to work. And then two things are happening in my head mentally where I'm now going, well, how good is this massage actually going to be? Yeah.

If the whole thing was just a front. Right. Yeah, sure. Of course. You know what I mean? She's not paying attention to the spine. if the whole thing was just a front to jerk me off. Of course. You know what I mean? No one passes Masuska with flying colors and goes, finally, I can jerk off old businessmen in the city like I've always wanted.

But that's the thing. In Thailand, I always get massages in Thailand. How would you know? Here we go. Oh, my God. I know, I know. Yeah, but those massages are crazy. No, but there's two different styles

because I've been there plenty of times. I like the one where you get bent into a pretzel. Yeah, yeah. I like those massages are crazy. No, but there's two different styles because I've been there plenty of times. I like the one where you get bent into a pretzel. Yeah, yeah. I like hard massages, right? You mean massages where you're hard. No, where she's hard. Right, okay. Which happens a lot in Thailand.

So, no, there's the proper ones, but then there's the ones where you go past and they're going, massage? It's like, you've got high heels on. That's not a massage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a miniskirt and high heels on. That's not a proper massage. Oh, I don't know. I think you're judging people. She might be walking on your

back in those heels. You never know. There's a massage place down the street from me that has a sign up front that says $25. And I'm like, there's no way. That's just a fuck parlor. It may as well say 50 cents a jerk. Honestly.

The other thing that's going through my head is I felt like the intensity and the aggression of the massage kind of went up after I turned down the hand job. You turned down... Insulted. I assume it's like 100 bucks or something, right? Some crazy amount, right? To get a hand job?

Yeah, I think it was like 50 or whatever. Yeah, you took money out of her. Now she's like, well, now I it's like 50 or whatever yeah you took money out of her now she's like well now i'm like yeah i know literally took money out of her hand i know so then so then i'm like negotiating money as your dick is hard no because i just said no i don't think okay yeah great negotiating tactic the power of no she should have done it Uber ice cream style. So how many handjobs do you want? Eight? I'll just give you eight handjobs now. All right. Do you want some ice cream?

How many tubs of handjobs do you want? If I could have done it and the money just comes straight out of my Uber account, I would have gone for it for sure. Yeah. That was the main thing. I was like, I've got to go get my wallet. You can charge it through Uber if you want. Yeah.

You should have said, just tickle my balls. Okay. Should I? Because in a massage parlor, you've got that thing where it's like Thai massage, head, shoulders, back, feet, and they've got different prices. Is there a price list for that? Oh, yeah. For tickling balls versus jerking off? Oh, sure, yeah.

I reckon once you're in that ballpark, I think it's just all... The ballpark? Yeah. All right, we get it. They're as big as a park. We get it. We get it. You're very sick.

You've got some horrible disease. We get it. I one time, when a phone of mine, like when I had a nice flip phone a few years ago, before I moved to the iPhone eventually, I had this flip phone that wouldn't charge. And so I was like, shit. And it was my favorite kind of flip phone. And I was like, shit, I'm not going to be able to get my contacts because if you can't charge it, then I'll just lose them. So I was almost on like a ticking clock that day with the phone.

So I called my buddy, or I probably emailed him. And I was like, you know, I need to find a new, you know, this phone. It was a Katana. It was very big at the time. Clay. You guys can tell I'm name dropping here. That's a brand that I don't think ever made it out of the United States. I don't know why.

They wouldn't charge. I'm pretty sure it's the name of a sword. No, no, I would talk on a sword. It sounds like a phone that you bought Aldi. Katana. Oh, Aldi. Now I know sounds like a phone that you buy at Aldi. Katana. Oh, Aldi. Now I know what that is. Yep.

Anyways. Aldi? Aldi's like cheap supermarket. Yes. Where they just have knockoffs. What do you have? You know, you must have an equivalent in America of the cheap supermarket. Oh, yeah. There's like food for less.

The best one is Dollar Tree. Dollar Tree. Dollar Tree is like the place where you're like, do you have orange juice? And they're like, well well we have orange flavored juice and you're like sorry and the difference is very noticeable bootleg cereals where it's like not quite toucan Sam on the front of their

fruity loopies it's Ricky the Parrot I don't know where they get all this stuff from but then at the checkout they'll just have an electric guitar and an amp for sale just insane, just insane impulse purchases. Want to start a rock group?

Seriously. Lawnmower. 50 bucks. Seriously. It's the same as a massage. You get your fruit loops and then hand job. Jerk off. So, I, my friend finds this place in Reseda in California,

which is a real shady area, and I call the dude, and I'm like, can I come get a phone? And he's like, yeah, what time would you like to come by? And I'm like, well, I have a show. So he's Chinese. He's Chinese. He's Asian, obviously.

He's an Asian man. And he's like, what time do you want to come by? And I'm like, now he's getting weirder. Now he's eventually going to be Borat if I do it a third time. Oh, I watched Borat the other day. Holds up. I just want to say that. Oh, that's good.

Holds up. So I'm like, how about like nine? Because I'm like, I have a show. I'm like, I could get there by nine, which I thought was like a reach. And he was like, yeah, nine. And he was like, it's nice. He's like, it's very nice. You can't get my wife.

The boy is taken. So I'm like, okay, great. So I go there. Cinque. So I go there, and I can't, it's like in a weird parking lot area where there's a lot of blacked out windows, and the number, it's like a lot of empty offices,

and I'm like, as I get there, as I get there, I, like, the the actual address the door's blacked out so i like knock on that door there's nothing and then i like look next door and i can see that there's light coming out of one of the this sounds like every single armenian storefront so i open the door and there's two people him and a woman behind him both at desks like they're almost like detectives and the new director of the new soul movie yeah I just wanted a katana hello what's this room so they're both smoking and I walk in and I go I'm there right at nine and I go hey I called about

getting that phone and he goes you're late and I was like no you said nine I was like it's literally nine and he goes

you want blowjob I was like what I'm like what's going on and he goes do you want blowjob and I was like

from you I was like I mean I was shocked and he's like we have whorehouse upstairs. Oh, my God. Seriously? I mean, the Katana is local.

He was actually, I think he was Russian. Yeah, I guess that's what it was. But I was like, no, just the phone. And then he gets up, and then he's like taking me into the back where he's like showing me the phone stuff. And he's like, and I realized real quick that he's hammered, that he's just shit-faced. Well, you can.

That's the thing about running a business like that. It's a 24-hour party. I like that the blowjob's on the table, but he's still taking time to show you all the phones. Not only that, I'm like, where the fuck am I? And he's pushing me on this belt clip. He's like, you'll get free belt clip for the flip phone. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, I just want to get the fuck

out of here. And I go, no, I don't really need it. Like, I won't use it. He goes, it's free. And I'm like, I really, I don't need it. I don't see myself using it. He's like, look at it, free belt clip. I was like, give me the fucking belt clip. I'll take the fucking belt clip. You like dick suck also? Yeah, he's like, also, now

you get the dick suck with your belt clip. It's free. Belt clip come with dick suck. Dick suck 100. And as I'm leaving, he's like, if you want blowjob, he's very easy. I was like, no, buddy, thanks so much. It was great to meet you. She put finger in your ass. And then he mailed me.

I got the phone, and then he mailed me a phone two weeks later. Why did he have your address? Holy shit. Who gives that guy their address? It's very true. Would you like a blowjob? Now, look, before this goes any further, you should know that I can be found at... Nah, I'm a little worried about you.

Here's where I live. I don't want the blowjob today, but if you could email me one. Could you come and kill me in my home? That would work. Come with blowjob, yeah. Come with blowjob. Come with blowjob. Well, the last bit of this massage scenario

was the massage ends with a face massage. So that's the last bit that she does. I enjoy a face massage. Not when you've just found out the information that she's touching dicks all day.

I don't want those hands on my face. All right, that's fair. Oh my God. That's fair. What's on my face. All right, that's fair. Oh, my God. That's fair. What's your contention? Because I know it's great, but... I love a face massage,

but no, you're right. I didn't think about the fact that... Do you love if a thousand dicks massages your face? Because that's what her hand is at this point. I think a lady that knows how to massage a dick can also probably massage your face.

She's just like rubbing your face up and down really fast. Like, when you finish! Finish! She's touching your face and you're just like rubbing your face up and down really fast. When you finish, finish. She's touching your face and you're all some smell and you're like, dill. No, well, this is the thing.

So I've turned it down and I feel like in my head mentally at this point, I'm just in like the sitcom where it's like on one side of the screen, you just see me in agony over my decision

to not get the handjob and be like, oh, this is really awkward now. And then just I was like convinced. I'm like, meanwhile, in the second panel on the screen, you've just got Dill just absolutely having the time of his life. I was like, in my head, I'm like, Dill is definitely getting this done. There's no way he's not getting it done.

Well, so then we leave and we walk out together. And so I'm just like, well, when are we going to talk about this? I'm like, so, yeah, that was good. That how's your massage he was like yeah that was great it was that's just what i needed you know i was really tight and i really got you know it was really good massage and she really worked on my back which i really needed i'm like yeah yeah i had that that all that stuff happened too and yeah what else what else did you think of he's like yeah just really good around the neck and all my neck feels so loose now. And yeah,

she offered to jack me off, but I just thought, nah, not today. For me, this was like the biggest thing in my head. Like, cause I've,

you know, that's like the, the cliche of the massage, but I've never, I've never had it offered before. I was like, I haven't either, but I got a nice place.

Imagine, imagine getting knocked back by Dil. Yeah. Yeah. Excuse me? You're saying no? Yeah. Does no mean something different in Sri Lanka?

But what I later found out, and I was talking to someone about this who's had a lot of massages and has partaken of the handjob, but doesn't always. He informed me, and this is naive of me to not have known this, but the towel at the start where she insisted on me getting nude in front of her, that's a test. That's like the first hurdle to go over. And so he said now when he gets asked, he's like,

if he doesn't want one, he just goes, no, no, no, I'll just keep it on if it's all the same. And so they know like, oh, okay. But the fact that I just immediately went, yeah, I'm not sure at all. I didn't know that that's your bag. Yeah. It turns out it is. That's something that you are into. Which is, I guess,

getting nude in front of a stranger. Yeah, that's all I needed. Yeah. Okay, so we really haven't gotten to the real question. Did you get hard? I had the... No, not quite. I had the... No, not quite. I had a semi. I had a half mongrel. That's another sign.

Because I was just... What did you call it? A half what? Mongrel. Okay. What? It's how we talk here, mate. I'm loving it.

Love it or leave it. I'm just learning your customs. Very far from the me. Mongrel? Mongrel, yeah. Mongrel. Half mongrel. Does a mongrel have another, is it a name of something else

or is it just something that was made up? That's a dog. You know that's a dog, yeah? We did not know that that was a dog. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, that makes it make more sense. Yeah, I had half a dog coming out of my jeans. Sorry, I don't know if that clears it up for me.

I'll be clear, we didn't invent this. I saw a sexy lady and now I up for me. I'll be clear. We didn't invent this. I saw a sexy lady and now I have half of a dog in my pants. Yeah. Not a full dog, obviously. Right. But half of one. And you guys are standing by that.

A mongrel is like a dirty little gross. Yeah. Easy, Tommy. Yeah. That's a term specifically for. Tommy just took his pants off. Yeah. Term specifically for Tommy's penis, not any other penis. Yeah.

Dirty little mangy little dog. Well, see, I... That's a bad Tommy. I've been to Thailand many times now, right? And so I always get massages when I'm there. And so I always go past the ones in high heels, the ones in mini skirts and think, I wonder if they could actually do a proper massage. No.

I wonder if they could actually... No. But you I wonder if they could actually. But you know, I'm never going to find that out because if you go in there, it's going to be on. Yeah, they're just fucking you. Yeah, they just want to do that and I don't want that to happen. No, but a Thai massage is the best kind of massage. As a friend, next time you go there, I think you test one of them out. Really? Yeah. I think you go in there, find

a real... And that's advice that's come from a friend as he pointed out. The goddamn heart. Get in there and ask for the works. Yeah, and tell your girlfriend, I'm just investigating. I'm like Columbo right now. Yeah. I'm going to go in here and figure out what's going on. Just one more thing.

Can you fuck me again? Yeah. Can you fuck me? I had a friend. He was a comedian. We went on a tour together. And it was like a three-month tour. It was this crazy college thing.

And he goes, like a month. And he goes, I got to tell you, before I came here, I was like, I wanted to get a massage. And so I went down to this place and I got a massage. And all of a sudden, she got me hard. And then she just said, do you want? And I was like, yeah, okay. And then she just mounted me. And she fucked want? And I was like, yeah, okay. And then she just mounted me. And she fucked me.

And I was like, what? And he's like, yeah, she fucked me. And I was like, well, how was that? He was like, oh, it was wonderful. Well, a woman fucked me. And I was like, sounds slightly rapey. In that kind of establishment, I would be like, slightly rapey and like not like okay in that kind of establishment

I would be like now I have all the things. I would not be able to smoke weed until a doctor was like you don't have AIDS. Otherwise anytime I took like a puff I'd be like shit I just remembered I got AIDS. Shit.

So you're not concerned with AIDS until you're smoking marijuana is that what you're saying no but it'll heighten your concern like

there's there have been times there have been times in my life like every time I've gone through like so is Magic Johnson

fine until he gets stoned and then he goes oh fuck shit fuck I gotta tell you every time I smoked weed I would be

I was very aware of the fact of whether or not I had AIDS I don't think I'd smoke weed anymore that was all that came up mentally for me no but it would be, I was very aware of the fact of whether or not I had AIDS. I don't think I'd smoke weed anymore. That was all that came up mentally for me. No, but it would be like, after I would go through a breakup with a girl

that I liked or I felt bad about the breakup, I wouldn't be able to really smoke weed for a couple months, honestly. Because it would just, my head would just start, you know, but I smoked a bunch of weed today. I'm in a healthy place. He did. We're all proud of him. The main reason I didn't do it was because I sort of thought,

just knowing my luck, I'm very pessimistic about things like that, where I sort of thought, I bet I'll do it and I'm in the middle of it and the fucking cops raid this joint or something. You know what I mean? And then I'm in some newspaper article. Yeah. And then you've got to try to recreate that for the rest of your life because that's awesome.

Yeah, they're like, wow, that felt great. And they put a handcuff on your dick and it's like it's awkward for everyone. And then you can't be in a relationship seriously again. You're like, well, I mean, you want to, okay, so you like this scenario where we're kind of cooking a dinner and we fuck in the kitchen. I need a strong raid. I need like nine cops.

I need you to stick a baton up my ass while we're doing it. I mean, it's such another level from auto-erotic asphyxiation. Needing cops to kick in the door. So what I do is I'll start jerking off and I'll get going for a little while and then I'll call the police and I'll say, hey, there's a hostage situation. And then I'll wait until they off and I'll get going for a little while and then I'll call the police and I'll say, hey, there's a hostage situation. And then I'll wait

until they come and kick in the door and then, if I time it right. Slow down, slow down. Take a breather. Take a breather. Take a breather.

Take a breather. Hold on. The cops come in and see this hostage situation and it's you holding your dick. You're like, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Stand outside the door a little bit longer. Twist the knob. No, no, not that one. Do the door one. Both, actually. Twist both. Stand like an eagle.

So this is a massage I once had in Thailand, right? This is a massage I had. So I go every day. If I'm in Thailand, I go every single day. It's a thing. I get up, I go for a run, I get in the pool, I have a massage every day. How much is a massage in Thailand? It's about... It's roughly $8. Jesus Christ. I get them twice a day. How much is a massage in Thailand? It's about, it's roughly $8.

Jesus Christ. I get them twice a day. Yeah, yeah. That's why I go. I go, it would be stupid not to get a massage every day. So it's $8. So I go. But are you still enjoying it towards the end of this trip?

Yes. Like how? Oh my God. A Thai massage? I get them every fucking day. Yeah, exactly. I have thought about getting them two, three times a day, definitely. Right, okay.

But I'll go, and depending where I go, if I find somewhere really good, I'll stick to that. But if not, I'm just shopping. Shopping around the island. Sure. No brand loyalty for Cal Channel. No, exactly. He's a free agent.

Tell me, baby. Tell me. He's up for grabs. It's the same thing I do with brothels in Thailand. Dave, we're recording this. Oh. Wait, we're recording this? Yeah. Wait, we're recording this? Yeah.

I thought we were just talking to microphones having a conversation. No, no, no. It's good to catch up. It's the whole thing. So I go into this place. It looks fine, whatever. It's on the main strip.

I'm thinking, well, this is reputable. If it's in the back streets. But this is like in the Burke Street. If I'd have known about what's happening in Burke Street, Melbourne, I would have thought differently about this. Yeah, exactly. I've always liked the Bourke Street boys better. Yeah.

That was painful, huh? Need a massage after that read. Yeah. My shoulders are tight having heard that. So, I don't think they've got it. I don't think they've got it at all. I didn't get it at all either.

He said you go in the back streets and then he said I prefer the Burke street boys Burke streets back I'll stop Tommy just goes I've got a cramp I've got a cramp and a stitch I'm going to be honest right now I still don't get it

I envy you in many ways. I do too and I said it. All right. So I go into this place and I just go, right, we'll go in there. This guy, you know, there's always spookers on the street. This guy goes, hey, you want a massage? I'm like, yeah, sure. I go in and then I gather, oh, this guy is going to take me all the way.

This guy is going to be the guy that massages me. And this is not bad. This is whatever. No, it's okay. But I've had dozens of massages. I'm just saying I've never had one from a guy. So this guy's taking me upstairs. I'm thinking.

I haven't either. Yeah. I have. It's never happened. So I'm thinking. I asked for it. Anyway, keep going. We'll get into me in a minute.

Well, that's legitimate because as I'm going up Because I'm thinking As I'm going up I'm going This is different I'm just getting the sensation This is going to be a different thing And then I'm starting to think You know what I like a really hard massage Yeah

So this could be a good thing This guy's going to be stronger He's going to really beat the shit out of me This is going to be a good thing So I go up there And I'm sitting there I'm lying there And he's doing his thing

He's massaging me I'm like this is okay This is fine This is normal Then I do the bit where You know I'm on my back I'm lying there, and he's doing his thing. He's massaging me. I'm like, this is okay. This is fine. This is normal. Then I do the bit where I'm on my back, and then he flips me around. I'm sitting on my bum. He's sitting behind me. Sorry, this is a thing that happens in massages?

Yeah, yeah. In a Thai massage? Okay. I've never done the ghost thing. You haven't had that where they sit you down and they... Well, what I'm picturing is like me and him are in a bobsled together. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what it's like. Okay. So, no. Never had that where they sit you down and they... Well, what I'm picturing is like me and him are in a bobsled together.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what it's like. Okay, so no. Never had that. I've never had that either. It sounds weird. Oh, no. That happens the majority of the time.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's the classic Thai massage. Very cool. Yeah, classic. Classic Thai. So that would be a deal. That would probably change it for... That would probably go mostly girls

on the Thai massages. I'd be with you. Yeah, right. All right, so you've got this guy. So I've got this guy. Putting his dick in you. We're halfway through. We're halfway through. You can feel the heat of his, I'd be with you. Okay. All right. So you've got this guy. So I've got this guy. Putting his dick in you. We're halfway through. We're halfway through.

You can feel the heat of his balls against your back. He's hot. You're hot. It's just like one of you needs to make the move. All of a sudden

he turns on music. I'm not getting my 200 baht back. Sure, let's go with it. He pulls out his top hat and puts it on your head. That'll teach me for going into a massage parlor

called Netflix and chill massage. Are you a gentleman? So. Not you. You. and puts it on your head. That'll teach me for going into a massage parlor called Netflix and Chill Massage. Are you a gentleman? So, not you. You. So, he's flipping around. He's behind me.

He's massaging. And then this weird thing happens. He's just having you every which way at the moment. I love it. I'm putty in his hands. So, he does this thing where he's being quite intense and then it eases right off there's a handbrake pulled on and all of a sudden like he's behind me so i can't see what's happening and he's he's got his hands in my hair and he's sort of you know going it's like he's

conditioning me or something like yeah i don't know how much this is doing for me and then he slows right down right and it goes into slow motion And we're half an hour in, so I'm not super paying attention, but I'm thinking, you're not doing anything anymore. You're sort of running your fingers through my hair. This is a date. Are you sure he wasn't looking for bugs? Was he eating anything that he found? Was he a chimp?

So he's sort of just scratching me a little bit. Scratching you now? And then he goes, are you still in the weird position? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, fuck, my hands are so tired. You do me. You do me? But he is.

He's slowing right down. But because I'm in this time space weird thing where I'm sort of relaxed, he's already done half an hour on me. I'm going, okay because I'm in this time space weird thing where I'm sort of relaxed, he's already done half an hour on me, I'm going, okay, I'm pretty chilled out. But then I'm starting to go, no, you literally haven't moved for a minute now. I might just go back to my place tonight. I've got work in the morning. I have to get up early.

I've got a big day. It's not you. So two minutes goes by. In retrospect, I'm thinking that's a good two minutes That's a good 120 seconds where you haven't done anything And then all of a sudden he would go He would then just scratch me He'd just go

Are you sure this wasn't a monkey? Did he just like leave the room and put just like Some weird robot It's one of those ducks Yeah exactly This is the new Alright I'm going to put a little bit of water on your head. Don't move.

This is the new... What's it? Alan Turing? Turing? The new Turing test of like, can you tell that this is a robot giving you a massage? And if you can't, it passes the sentience test. Oh, right. So then, at some stage, he goes like this.

Like, I'm starting to go, hang on. But there's that awkward moment where you say, are you, what's happening? Like it's hard to sort of go, what are you doing? Hey, guy, what's up back there? Yeah. Want to talk about it? Yeah. So every 30 seconds or so it's like he'll go, okay,

and he'll scratch me again. He'll just go. And he did this thing where he put his finger down my face and then pressed into my eyeball on one side of it and then just continued down my face. It was like, you're going to talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like I was in Marathon Man or something,

some sort of torture thing where he's – but then it goes like – I love it when they start improvising. Yeah, that's fun. He's pushing on your teeth. He totally space jumped all over me. So he's doing that, and then there's this long pause where he literally can't get away with this anymore, where there's nothing happened for three to four minutes,

where I'm just sitting in his arms for three to four minutes. Sorry, this was at a restaurant, right? Oh, wait. Wait, you know what? You know what? I forgot to tell this bit. I completely forgot to tell this bit. When I was on my back,

he was doing the bit where he's massaging me and getting close to the, you know, he's getting inner thighs or whatever. Yeah. And then just jumped into just grabbing me on the cock. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah. You left out that he grabbed your dick?

I forgot about that bit. He really buried the lead on this one. Who forgets that? We're talking page six. Who fucking forgets that? Oh, by the way, he grabbed my cock and balls. And it came to you in a bowl. There was a chance.

It was a 90% chance we were going to walk out of here at the end of this podcast without getting that detail. Yeah, yeah. I was leading. I was leading with how weird is this? He's scratching my hair. It's taken you eight minutes

and all you've done is tell us that he touched your hair. So he was full on grabbing me on the cock. Yeah, who cares? Get back to the

bit where he's sitting there doing nothing. Anyway, but he was totally fixing my dandruff and that was awesome. Your pubed dandruff.

Okay, so at one point he grabbed your dick and balls. Yeah, yeah. For how long? Did he massage you? He was totally fixing my dandruff, and that was awesome. Your pube dandruff. Okay, so at one point he grabbed your dick and balls. Yeah, yeah. He was for how long? And massaged you. Did he massage you? He was massaging your balls? By the way, you don't have to keep acting it out.

Yeah, no, we get it. Carl, don't stop. Carl, every time he says it, he's grabbing his dick and balls. He's actually, yeah, he's got his whole hands on his balls. What he just did now inferred that there was actual ball massage. Now I'm doing it, and there was. He massaged your balls. He was actual ball massage. Now I'm doing it. And there was. He massaged your balls.

He was doing the thing where it was... Stop it. Don't stop. I'm loving it. It was feeling like he thought it was the most natural thing in the world where I'm going, okay, well, maybe everyone else before this has fucked up. But that's how all molestations feel. Yes. They make you...

Yes. Yeah, but then I was thinking, okay... So that's just grabbing a handful. That's not sex. So he's not trying to jack you. No, but he was grabbing his balls and squeezing and going. He's rubbing his balls and his penis. Yeah, he was squeezing them and he's looking at Carl and going,

your fault. Yeah, yeah. Your fault. But then he would go across to your thighs and he's just doing a general movement and going across everything. The only way this is okay is if he has one of those little weird horns that he presses when he doesn't. An air horn?

That's great. I love that. It's like a massage from Harpo. Yeah, totally. You remember that Marx Brothers one, right? Yeah, the Marx Brothers go to PP Island. Yeah, sure. Okay, so he's rubbing your penis and balls with his hand.

And I'm thinking, at some stage I'm going, okay, this is weird. How long did it go on for? How many days? It's minutes and minutes. It's not like a temporary thing. He keeps going back to it. And it gets to a stage where I have to be okay with it. And I start to go, you know what?

Okay, this is now a thing that he's doing on purpose. It's already happened. Yeah, yeah. And I'm thinking, okay, you know what? I'm not getting that much out of it, but if you're getting something out of it, I'm going to let it go. If your hand feels looser? That's the most generous molestation victim that there is.

Is this man now living in Australia with you and your girlfriend? No. So he's done all of that, and then, yeah, but I've let all that go, but when he stopped scratching my head properly, I'm going, this is getting weird. Now it's wrong. Here's the problem. Hold on, sir.

I'm not getting my money's worth. You're not working properly. I'm a little freaked out right now. I was fine with the ball grabbing. Now you're playing ghost and scratching my head. Excuse me, sir. Instead of this break, could you rub my balls a little more? Yeah, exactly. What are your hands

doing now? Nothing. Put your thumb up my ass or something. You are on the clock, my friend. Let me suck your pinky. Anything. I'm paying up to $7 an hour here. When he massages your balls, is he behind you? No, that was... This is a different phase. Yes, this is when I was flat on my back.

Did he smell your balls? No. Did was... This is a different phase. Yes, this is when I was flat on my back. Did he smell your balls? No. Did he smell his hand after the massage? Unless he smelled it from where he was. But you sit back and do a pencil drawing of your balls, like in Titanic. Was that a scene in Titanic? Yeah. It's in the deleted scenes where she does him. Right, right. I knew something went

down, but I didn't know that was happening. Well, it was the ship, really. Yeah. So, it gets to a stage where he stops. He stops scratching my head. Everything stops. No contact at all. It's three to four minutes in. Still sitting, spooning you like that. Yeah, still spooning me.

And I look to the side. I look to the other side. Nothing's happening. All clear. Yeah. Very thorough. Someone is sitting. There's someone actually sitting

because I start to think he hasn't done anything. Maybe this is a part of the massage because I start to think he hasn't done anything maybe this is a part of the massage where you start to just massage within yourself you just reflect on the massage wow he's really got you

in a weird head space he's so in your head yeah I've been meditating a lot that's a big part of all that it all comes from inside it's all you he massages your balls

and then your brain's rewired yeah and then I start massaging my soul somehow yeah but then I look next to him the balls of your soul. Yeah.

He just feels tears running down his back. So I look next to me, and I've started getting a massage at roughly the same time that this other guy is having a massage. So I look next to me, and the other guy, he's having a great old time. He's getting slapped in the back and massaging. He's going, oh my god, this is so good. I'm like, I'm getting nothing over here. This guy did my

hair and rubbed my balls. And then he looks over and that guy's just licking your neck. So, I go, okay, I've got to figure out what's going on. I've got to get to the bottom of this. I mean, I've looked left, I've looked right. What more research can I do?

Exactly This is what I do So nothing's happening The guy stops moaning next to me And I listen And the guy behind me just stops heavy breathing Oh my god Yeah, really like in and out

Really heavy breathing Oh my god And I'm thinking this is either really bad And so I go Or what? Or yeah, now there's nothing else. Or I might have to look left and right again.

But what I do is go, okay, so I've looked left and right so I look up, but really casually. It's the only direction left. He's got to look down still. No, I know what's down. I know what to look what's down because I know that's been irreparably damaged already.

He's got fingerprints all over it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I very casually, like it's the most natural thing in the world, like I'm just sort of going, what else is happening? What's the weather like? And so I sort of really creep up. And I look up and the guy has fallen asleep.

Yes. What? He's fallen asleep during my massage. No. Yes. That's how good you are. You, my friend, have got the most boring fucking shoulders I've ever seen. No.

I've got the most boring dick he's ever seen. My dick sent him to sleep. Don't you get tired after you cum? Yeah. Typical man. What did you do? I. Typical man. What did you do? I just looked up and went, oh, is this for real? And I looked at him and I just sat there and went, well, do I want, if I wake him up, maybe

he just grabs my dick again. Let him sleep. Yeah, just let him sleep this one off or something. But then the person that's getting the massage next to him, the masseuse next door just goes, I just, I look up and I see him go,

I see her go, hey, hey. And he goes, oh. Oh my God. And just goes back into the hair.

And does it again and then sort of goes, slows right down again. He's a heroin addict. And just drops off again. He's a heroin addict. Oh, he's a heroin addict. I'm surprised that to. He's a heroin addict. He's a heroin addict. I'm surprised that to save the reputation of this place,

she didn't come in and go a bit weekend at Bernie's and just kind of grab his hands in her hands and just make it seem like he's giving you the massage. Yeah. So that you're none the wiser. Yeah. But I'm sitting there going, look, this is great. This is a fucking super weird thing that's happening.

But what do I do? Like you don't, I don't get up and walk out of a massage and go, hey, the dick was good, but this sleeping on the job is, I know it's human. There's a line here, sir. There's professionalism. So I just, he then right at the end,

like he gets a proper big nudge right at the end and as the person next door to me is getting the end of the massage. So he wakes up and just does that classic Thai massage thing that you always get where you know it's the end of the massage because they just slap you on the back for like 20 seconds. And that does nothing to you but tell you that you're about to get kicked out of the massage parlor. So he just wakes up and goes, like, out of a dream and just goes, thank you.

And I'm like, oh. Yeah, he was on heroin. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, yeah. Sounds like he was nodding off. I mean, shit. Without a doubt. After a nudge?

Or he was really, really, really tired. And then he goes back to sleep again. That's a pretty big giveaway. But then he goes downstairs and he's, like, fully awake. And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, man, I'm going to expose the massage industry here. I'm going to go straight to the front desk and go, this guy grabbed me

on the cock and more importantly, he fell asleep. This is horrible. Oh yeah, his name's Sleepy. You want sneezy? Bashful? You should get dark. A massage from Bashful would be a fucking nightmare. I don't know. I don't know. What about one from Grumpy? A massage from Bashful would be a fucking nightmare.

I don't know. I don't know. What about one from Grumpy? Oh, shit. Grumpy's going to work the stress out. Grumpy's going to fucking go you. That's what you want. So I go down and I'm thinking I'm full on going to complain about this,

but he shadows me down and doesn't let me out of his sight. I'm at the desk paying and he's just hovering around me. I'm like, okay, that was... Making sure you don't bring up TripAdvisor on that old phone. Yeah, get out Uber Massage and give him a low rating. You want some ice cream? You've got special tired time massage. So I just pay the money and walk out and go. And he just stands there again.

He walks out, follows me out there and starts flooring people as he'd flied me. And I'm like, man, I'm really going to do nothing about this. I'm just going to let him sleep this off.

You definitely did the right thing there. Really? Yeah. I wouldn't get involved. It's $7. Yeah, exactly.

But that's what I thought. I thought, I'm going to come to more harm. You did the wrong thing a number of times before that. But at the end, the right thing. Yeah,

there's a lot of wrong that you did. I let a lot of times before that. But at the end, the right thing. Yeah, there's a lot of wrong that you did. I let a lot of bad things happen. Yeah. I just was blown away that he... I just felt really bad in that moment where I thought, I've already let all this stuff happen. He's touched me on the dick. It's like my dick gave him an STD and it was narcolepsy.

No, no, he gave you an STD for sure. How many people has your dick put to sleep, though? See, this is nice. I'm finding this really nice because we disagree about a lot of things on this podcast. This is the first thing we've ever really had in common when we've both gone to get massages and it's ended up being way more stressful

than we were when we went in. You just walked next door right after that to get a massage. Fucking stressed out. I just had a junkie rub my balls. Yeah, because that's bad because then you walk in like I got one the next day and I'm sort of a little bit second-guessing myself and thinking, do I have to request for the person not to fall asleep or touch my dick? No, I don't think.

I think that's usually unspoken. Yeah, that's a given. Do you want any music on? Can we put Metallica on like really loud? Like really, really loud. Actually, you just listen to it on earbuds. I want you to listen to Metallica. Can we walk around while you massage me?

Just find one next to a construction site. Talk the whole time so I know you're here. Well, guys, that is all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week. Gareth and Dave, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. You still have, oh, most of your shows are sold out. When's this going up? This will go up Wednesday morning, so you're in Adelaide.

Adelaide, we just added a little sneaky stand-up show. It's going to be me and Gareth and Justin Hamilton. It'll be 10.30 at the Rhino Room. Yep. And we've also added a stand-up show in Perth on Friday night at 10

that'll be at the Civic Hotel cool I'm sure both those gigs you can show up and get tickets to the door but you can also find them on our Facebook page any of the dollop shows got tickets or they all sold out I think Adelaide might have some but that would be it

cool also yeah people just listening if they want to check out the dollop if they're not familiar I think Adelaide might have some, but that would be it. I'll allow it. Cool. Also, yeah, people just listening, if they want to check out the dollop, if they're not familiar, just the dollop on iTunes. We have got our live shows in Adelaide and Perth, October the 17th, no, October the 18th in Perth, November the 17th in Adelaide. We're also working on a Sydney and Melbourne, I think we're going to do September the 5th. Let's call it now.

Melbourne, we're doing a very quick, not much chance to get tickets, but do it quickly. It's in Melbourne. Go to our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. We're doing a surprise show because we've got new t-shirts to sell. First people to come in get the t-shirts because we haven't ordered that many of them. And the t-shirts say, I'm aware of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Exactly. Very cool.

What everyone wants to say. So check that out. All the information I'm aware of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Exactly. Very cool. What everyone wants to say. Yep. So check that out. All the information is at our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.