The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 258 - Live! Lawrence Mooney, Fiona O'Loughlin, Harley Breen, Dilruk Jayasinha & The Bogan Baby.

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

ODD Update, Blaming The Heater and The Bogan Baby. Recorded LIVE at the European Bier Cafe on September 5, 2015.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey ladies! Karl Chandler! G'day dickheads. Yeah. Can we get his mic to be on? Can we get Chandler's mic on? Can we turn my mic on, Numo? We've been here for two hours, but can we turn my mic on? Good. It's all pretty textbook so far, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

And people aren't laughing, so yeah, very textbook. It's great. Thanks, guys. Welcome down. Fuck, this is exciting. Who's got a t-shirt? Who bought a t-shirt? I'm aware of the little dum-dum guys. Welcome down. Fuck, this is exciting. Who's got a T-shirt? Who bought a T-shirt? I'm aware of the little dum-dum clubs.

Fuck that. So we hyped this. We hyped this. Fuck, is my mic on or not? Is it on? Oh, fuck. By you answering, I suppose that means you can hear me. So yes, okay.

Not good when you can hear the sound of the soda jet over the fucking gig. Over the lack of audience laughter. But humor me. Turn the fucking mic on, humor. That'd be awesome. So, yeah, it is a bit of a t-shirt launch as well as the live gig, and we got a bit excited. You know, we made a limited edition t-shirt.

We could only get 50 done. I said there was a lot of excitement when we put it out there on Facebook and Twitter, so I said to Daz, like, man, I think we'd better double the run. And he's like, nah. And so I went, you know what, I'm a pretty good judge. I didn't tell you. Oh, you did it anyway. think we better double the run. And he's like, nah. And so I went, you know what? I'm a pretty good judge. I didn't tell you. Oh, you did it anyway. I went and doubled the order.

Fuck. Got 100 printed, but it's paid off. 16 sold at the moment. So I'll look forward to putting those 84 T-shirts back in my bag and going back to fucking Hawthorne after this. Well, I get what you're trying to say, so apology accepted, you fucking dumb cunt. I got spat on on the way to the gig. That was cool.

Did that happen to anyone else? Some hoodlum spat on me from the top of a car park. And yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's like a brutal, like I thought it was bird shit at first. And I was like, oh no, it's human spit. Is that worse?

I don't know. But it felt worse. How do you know when you said you thought it was bird shit to start with but then you figured out it was human spit? How do you know? I tasted it. Did you actually look up and see the people? No, I mean, you can tell, like, something comes at you from the sky.

How can you tell? Do you go... Human spit, yeah, that's it. Just human spit, just the way it looked. It looked like spit. You know, shit is, like, kind of dense and white. This was, like, that foamy... human spit yeah that's it just human spit just the way it looked it looked like spit you know shit is like kind of dense and white this was like that foamy who fuck he's i'm answering a question i'm on trial here i'm defending myself but it was obviously some kids fucking around on

the you know the um the car park that's opposite above billboards like on russell street right it was obviously from there and i was like it just made me so angry that I wanted to go up and like fucking have a word to them. But I was like, that's going to be me doing the gig with a black eye and a broken arm. Like these kids are going to kick the shit out of me if I go up and I go, hey, fucking respect your elders. I'm going to get owned.

They'll go, you're younger than us. Fuck off. There was a, I probably said this on the show before, but like when i started talking about all the people in meriborough that had different nicknames like the hundreds of people with stupid nicknames one of them was have i told this the guy there was a guy with the nickname i should have spat on you and he was nicknamed up because the only time we ever heard him speak was he pulled up in a car came up to one of us and went i should have spat on you

and then got in his car and drove off. Well, maybe that was him finally coming good on his promise after all these years. Yeah, yeah. Getting rid of all these regrets. I thought we could very quickly do a bit of mailbag. I had a bit of correspondence overnight from a listener of the show that I think was quite nice. This came in from someone called Mo.

Hey, mates. I'm super pissed and we are at Hungry Jack's slash Burger King here in Germany. So, thought to drop you guys a line. Love the podcast. Make more fun of New Zealand please. Love Mo. Like, more fun. Are we known for that? Is that what our podcast is? Have we made any fun of New Zealand? I think the

only time we did it was when a New Zealander shit in Oliver Clark's pants, but that's the extent of it. Like, that's justified. Yeah, New Zealand really wasn't the focus of that ire, was it? Yeah, no, not really. The anus was more the focus of that ire. Yeah, they're more known for coming over, stealing people's jobs

than shitting in our pants, so... Who's here who's never heard the show before? Have we got any people who've been dragged along very sheepishly? Well, this is another piece of correspondence that we got that I thought I'd read out because it's quite nice and it also doubles. So just for the new people here we do get a lot of emails. It's just public, it's on our website, anyone can find it

so people just email us all the time. It's fucking great. Come up and talk to us after the show. We're used to it. So this is something that came through a couple of weeks ago and it's a nice email and the reason I'm reading it out is because I think it gives a good, it's like a good backstory to the podcast for anyone who doesn't know what the fuck this shit is.

You're going to catch them up. Here we go. Hey Tommy slash Carl, you guys seem to have been getting progressively more and more upset about the insulting messages you've been receiving from fans. It seems like a call for help. So here are a few words of thanks and appreciation. Thank you so much for your time and effort in creating the podcast.

It is by far the most shambolic podcast of them all, and its apparent lack of slickness, even some five years on, is what brings out the greatest charm in its two hosts, both of whom are brilliant, the lesbian one who makes sure the conversation moves on, and the old one who, in the absence of children and indeed a wife regales us of his time in some far-flung magical town.

The episode you guys did without a guest holds up just as well and how you bring out the best in all your guests brackets even Paul Foote is a testament to how fantastically funny the both of you are. It is still unbelievable the level of incompetence shown in this show.

Carl's inability to change his phone number after so long now or hold down a website makes it comical. The frustrations he has with the audio people at the live shows. Which reminds me, can you fucking turn this on? Again, these little failures of attention to detail is what makes the whole thing so endearing. I wouldn't be surprised if it were all by design. After all, it's not the Dum Dum Club without a complete technical fuck-up.

These subsequent details of failures lead to, let's face it, audio comedy gold. It's had its moments of profundity too. The dialogues of suicide between Fiona O'Loughlin and Lawrence Mooney is simultaneously revealing and beautiful. To have highlighted death... Who gives a fuck? As is Rad Dad. Pretending we don't know who the guests are,

even though it's in the episode title, Carl's references from fuck knows where. The bullying of The Dilrook. The T is capitalised, which is great. The adoration of fast food, and at every live podcast, calling the audience a bunch of cunts for not going to see your individual stand up.

The Dundum Club is certainly one of the funniest podcasts and has become for me a weekly reliable source of joy and more importantly a place for friendship, even in times when friends aren't nearby. You two idiots have become a staple of my diet and like a double cheeseburger with a side of mousse are ever so enjoyable. But unlike McDonald's, you two

don't impart that Westgate feeling after consumption. Just a belly full of happiness. Thanks a lot, you cunts. AJ. That's very good. Well, speaking of getting correspondence, I've just got one right now. Yeah. It's from, obviously, because my phone number's out there, I get a lot of text messages from listeners.

So here's one right now. Dear Tommy and Carl, fuck off you fucksticks. From Lawrence Mooney. I wonder who's going to be on the show today. What do you reckon, should we get our first guest out here? Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, our first guest today, a good friend of ours. Those of you who were at our 250th episode would have seen him sporting his trademark sombrero.

He's left it at home for this afternoon's proceedings. We figured with the guests, let's get the biggest ones on first. You know him from Operation Dumb Cunt Drop. Please welcome Dilruk Jai Singer. Hello, hello. How is the diet going? Great. So good.

This is cheat day, so I can do whatever the fuck I want today. You know, by the way, cheat day doesn't mean you're cheating physics. Every day is cheat day for you because you're cheating death just by having woken up to consume another meal. This is also how well the T-shirt is going. We just had to give one away. Yeah. I feel like I'm a sandwich board for the T-shirt. No, you feel like a sandwich is what you mean to say.

It's also a good model because it's like, hey, they can literally fit anyone. Yeah, Hamish and Andy are on the big banners when you go to the airport. You guys have me wearing it. Yeah, we hired out the Goodyear blimp. Wow, that's a Goodyear? Fucking hell. How is the diet going, though?

Really good, yeah. So for people who aren't familiar, Dil is trying to lose, what is it, 11 kilos in 11 weeks? 11 kilos in 11 weeks. So you're what, you're four weeks in now uh five weeks five weeks and well today was the biggest one i've lost eight kilos apparently today today thank you awesome stuff i genuinely didn't believe it either like i was going nah that's fuck that's wrong because last night i had 17 vodkas and i was like this is fuck but no apparently i must be like because this is the first week I actually went to the gym. The first four weeks, all I did was just change my diet up a bit.

And this, why are you looking at me like that? You're looking at me like that. See, I was proved right. Like when we started and you said you're going to lose 11 kilos in 11 weeks, I was like, that's too easy. Right. We need to reboot this challenge. Oh, no. No, yes.

If you're having 17 vodkas and then having two pints on stage and you're still losing weight, it needs to be tougher. Fuck, check out Michelle Westgate Bridges over here. Fuck it out. And comedy! Coincidentally, I'm also going commander. So... Coincidentally, I'm also going commander. Is that what you call your Venus commander, Steve?

Yes, because it's lost a lot of weight. You can see all his veins. Let's talk about Carl's dick more. That's what the crowd Seems to want Yeah no But I was Yeah I was I was completely But this is my thing

I know I can understand Why you'd want to maybe Who the fuck is that What's going on Is there a punch up Happening in the stairwell Is there a fight Over who gets to

Buy the most t-shirts Or This is like the Fucking Boxing Day Sales out there People Cunts just getting trampled Notice I started to say People and I corrected myself to say cunts.

Because I know what you savages want. But what I said to you today on Facebook, Carla, you're like, well, we should have done a bigger, longer, harder challenge. But what? Sorry, just after all the Carl's cock talk, the words bigger, longer and harder just got me a little bit revved up. It's like a Daft Punk song. Yeah.

Bigger, longer, harder. Carl's cock. He also wears a helmet, so... And French. That's one of the better electronic dance music and dick jokes you'll hear tonight. Yeah. What I said to you, though, was that I've done this in the past. I've gone on a health kick, quote-unquote, and got somewhere really good and then fucked it all up.

But because of Perth, because I have this end game at the Perth live show, I know I won't. I'll stay on track. But I still think 11 is going to be hard. I know we have technically only three more to go. Yeah, in what? In about five or six weeks? In six weeks. Man, no wonder you've got two pints.

Yeah, I'm celebrating. This is my what I call cheat day, which these guys hate. They think it's a ridiculous idea. Well, okay. The idea of a cheat day is that you're meant to just, when you have your meals, just relax. Have that hamburger that you want for lunch. Just take the foot off the pedal a bit.

The six days you do it properly and then the seventh day you... Yeah, you just relax a bit. You, in your cheat day, you eat everything that has caught your eye in the previous week. I think I saw you last Saturday on your last cheat day. You had nine meals in one fucking day. Well, between one o'clock this afternoon and two o'clock, I had... Oh, God. Fuck.

I had three KFC wings, a Hawaiian pizza slice, a fried dim sum... You're sweating just naming these. I'm getting aroused. Talking doesn't count as exercise, Dill, alright? What was it? So wings, slice of pizza, dim sum, noodles from Noodle Kingdom, and three scoops of ice cream and cornflakes. What? Just because...

Is that because it's cheat day you thought you'd chuck a few cornflakes in as well? Just be naughty. Yeah, just live on the edge a bit. But yeah, and it's working. Look, eight kilos in five weeks. It's obviously working. Think how much you could have lost if you hadn't had the most disgusting cheat days of all time.

Yeah, but that's the thing. If you've lost that much weight whilst eating stuff like that, what were you fucking eating before? So when I said between one to two, that was 12 o'clock in the morning until one at night. Did you used to just have your own private room in a hospital with gravy on a drip? I'd laugh more, but you've used that reference before. Oh, really? Can't believe I'm a...

You've finally gone full circle. I'm a Dilly's fat hack joke. That's it. The well is officially dry. You've used up all of them. But no, I think it should stay at 11, surely. That's not... Look, I don't know.

No, no, no, I'm calling it. It's got to be 15 now. Fuck, no. That's fair, yeah? Oh, fuck you! I don't want to be on a bicycle during a fucking live show. You're cruising. I don't want to be a bicycle period.

You're cruising, you're doing it too easy. If you've eaten all that today, if you've brought up two ponds now. No, no, no, but he's going to lose it quickly, and then he's got five weeks where he's going to get cocky. This is what I'm worried about. He's going to blow out at the end. Yeah. No.

Don't try and make it easy for him. We want him on a fucking exercise bike. He's my friend, Carl. Hey. Something we've all forgotten. At the end of the day, we're mates. Just remember the saying, podcast before bros. You're right.

Content before bros. You're right. Dil dying on stage at one of our live gigs in Perth would be great fucking content. Yes. Yeah. Should we bring out our next guest? Yes, please. Yeah, all right.

Dilruk Jai Singer, everyone. Should we bring out our next guest? Yes, please. Yeah, all right. Dilbrook Jai Singer, everyone. Our next guest today, making a return to the podcast, you know him, from Dirty Laundry Live. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club,

Lawrence Mooney. Very rude text message, Lawrence. It's really nice. Yeah, I know. I was just dying to get up here. It's my megalomaniacal self just bubbling over. Quote of the day so far, he's my friend, Carl. Sometimes it's like trying to explain things to an alien. You know what I mean?

He's my friend. But, yeah, that's the thing. With so much support from the comedy community new quote of the day we've had so uh how many kilos four five eight eight yeah as k Kate McLean, a friend of the show I put it on Facebook, she just commented going so is that good? Adam Richard tweeted and went

remember in Perth you have to put both legs on the scale Well we were doing a gig together the other night and you were hosting Dil and it had been pretty hard and the first six minutes had been pretty tough, you were feeling the audience out and then you said so I'm on a health kick at the moment and the room lit up The gig had been pretty hard. Yep. And the first six minutes had been, you know, pretty tough. You were feeling the audience out. And then you said, so I'm on a health kick at the moment.

And the room lit up. It was the first genuine laugh of the night. Okay, so can I speak seriously to you for a moment? Sure. What happens to all your fat gear once you trim off and you become all Will Anderson and all skinny mini and all that shit. I started to sweat a lot more because this keeps me awake at night because I've got nothing else in terms of material.

And also what happens to your whole jolly, avuncular personality that everyone likes. I don't know what avuncular means, but I like it. If you're skinny, then you're just a Sri Lankan and that's not fucking interesting. You're just another Sri Lankan. What if it's like... And Naseem's got it covered already.

This is your point of difference, buddy. All right, make it four beers then. Let's have a cheat month. Hey, Lawrence, come on, stop it. He's my friend. He's my friend, Carl. He's my friend, Lawrence. The only one you have.

I'm more of a work colleague. This podcast is a great man once said, Tommy and Carl, two guys who started at the bottom and liked it. And you've got a following, which is nice. Good on us. But one of you thinks they're here to see me and the other one thinks they're here to see me and the other one thinks they're here to see me and you both begrudgingly have to split the money

with the other fuckwit. We should say there's a tweet that came in during the week that I liked a lot that I think sums the show up very well. You know, so the big news this week, Ronnie Chang, new correspondent on The Daily Show. Ronnie Chang, you never on The Daily Show. Ronnie Chang, you never heard of him? Yeah.

He's like a skinny dill rook. Yeah. So, so does that mean that, That's a fucking compliment. Another, does that mean that Ronnie's not coming home?

No, I don't think he's coming home. Yeah, he's done forever. No, I think he's done with us. Yeah. He's, he's moving to New York. That's it. Yeah, he's done forever. He's not coming home. No. I think he's done with us. Yeah. He's moving to New York.

That's it. Yeah, that's it. He's based in New York. So he's based in New York. You know, that's great for Ronnie. Yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about that?

Awesome. Because I want more people to be successful overseas because I can't go anywhere. I've got two wives and two children. You Mormon. And a flag in Korea. So the more people that are not pulling down ticket sales at the MICF 2016, fucking good luck to you, Ronnie, and enjoy New York.

Lawrence Mooney is a sensitive fuck. Yeah. Well, we put that out there and it's like, you know, the next in a long list of people who, you know, we've had on this show from when they were sort of starting out and have ascended beyond the Dum Dum Club. And someone put out the tweet, the Dum Dum Club is like the Pixies, influential but unsuccessful.

Which is a great way of summing it up. How is the show that I worked on with you? Even though you don't, you commonly don't remember that I was on it. But anyway. Because whenever I see Carl, I tell him anecdotes about Dirty Laundry Live and he goes, yeah, I was one of your writers. I remember you. He just explained the final episode to me just before I went, I'm aware.

I was there. Okay, I've got a short term memory thing. I wonder why. What was your question? My question was, has it been... Seriously. No, his question was, has it been... Seriously. I am full tilt. I will be in assisted living this time next year.

I have burned a serious part of my brain out, probably at your fucking drunk cast. And I can't remember much now. Yeah. Have we spoken about Dilruch already? I don't even know how that is. I don't think it's ever come up, actually. Let's not.

It's sort of not the sort of thing we'd like to talk about on this show. We don't like pulling people's friends. So far, my memory of the material has gone fucking pretty well. Next year's show, Lawrence Mooney, Alzheimer. Alzheimer. Alzheimer. Is it coming back? Dirty Laundry? Is it coming back?

I think it's coming back. I think what I have to do is not fuck up between now and the announcement that it's coming back. Oh, really? Well, watch this. You told me before you've been back doing some of your classic work on Twitter, which could jeopardise the show. My wife said, come on, we've been down this road before. My wife said what?

Red wine and valiant. I just said, my wife. My wife, she said to me, Mr Barack Obama you'll wake up with blood on your hands no she doesn't she doesn't sure

she does a pretty intense radicalised Muslim impersonation but you'll listen to me Mr Barack Obama hang on you're dropping I'm just checking Twitter dirty laundry is not coming back.

Not coming back. Weird. Was that Mark Scott or? Yes. Let's say it is. Okay. Yep. Anyway, my wife said, listen, we've been down this road before, you and a bit pissed on Twitter.

And you're not meant to be drinking. You've been telling everyone you're not drinking. You know the old Fiona O'Loughlin trick. Go on Australian Story. Declare that you're not meant to be drinking you've been telling everyone you're not drinking you know the old Fiona O'Loughlin trick go on Australian Story declare that you're fucking sober then almost fucking top yourself

hey everyone's not laughing because she's at the back of the room but is she by herself someone keep an eye on her yeah

give her a bourbon settle her nerves fuck keep her away from that vacuum cleaner. Oh, no. Then the Electrolux salesman comes around and is like, hello, would you come on in?

How long's the cord? So, I think I might have upset our friend Steel Saunders because he was retweeting his podcast last week and my response to it was, yuck, what a bunch of wankers. No interest in that shit. Zero retweets, zero likes. You know when you've really struck a nerve with social media,

when they back away from you and just go, that's too cruel. I've been listening to the back catalogue of Dumb Dumb Club, some of the early episodes, and your first one, you talked about how you wish you had more followers. You had 900 followers at the time, and you wanted more. Now look at you.

Oh, look at me, 20 grand. I know. And now people, what you say on Twitter actually matters. Not really. No, it doesn't. It doesn't matter at all. Well, I might say something which I think is incisive and probably socially relevant.

Nothing. I call Tony Abbott a cunt. Fucking through the roof. Does that matter? I mean, doesn't everyone think that? So maybe you're just reiterating what people are already thinking. I think Abbott's cool. Which is the name of my

next year's festival show. Oh, great. That would be great. That's what your angle can be when you lose all the weight. I'm a Sri Lankan pro-Abbott comedian. Don't go too pro-Abbott. If he had been in eight years ago, you wouldn't be here. The thing

is, you are here. So let's pull up the ladder and not let any more in. To be fair. That's what I mean, yeah. And all humans are like that. It's like, that's the way it is. We're fucking here. Fuck off, mate.

We're fucking full. At our base animal instinct, and this is where the liberals live, at our base animal instinct, we probably agree with some of the horrible shit that he says but our higher selves can't let us yeah articulate that or agree with it you know we're all about making it for ourselves so what do you what do you agree with with with tony over what what what's an example of something you would agree with finally okay let's let's put the cards on the table iron my clothes um is that is that a policy you said a policy that's his opinion of australian women the australian women whilst they're ironing will think about how repealing the carbon tax impacts on the household

budget so he knows you pretty well because that's my experience of Australian women. Yeah, I see what he's getting at there. Humanity is about... Or humans as animals are interested in protecting themselves and their families. And so that's what politics is, to spread the wealth, to spread the even, to make it more even. So essentially when he comes down with a draconian idea

like stop the fucking boats, there might be an instinct that says to us, yeah, stop evil coming here or keep us safe or just let's freeze it because it's great. But then your intellectual self should kick in and go, no, that's not the way it works. We expand the population, things become better, there's more pluralism, there's more diversity, blah, blah, blah.

Do you think the poof should get married? Do you think the poof should get married? I think the poof should be made to get married. Just to know what it's fucking like. Oh, God. I feel like this turned into an episode of Q&A, but the tweets scrolling along the screen will be, fucking neck yourself, Cary.

That's our bizarro version of Q&A. But I really do agree with... And we've got our own terrorist over here who instead of blowing things up, he's just blown himself up. Like a suicide bomber. And just imploding on the inside. Suicide bomber. Yeah, okay.

What are they going to talk about when you're just sitting here ripped with a six pack? Stop it. And you're all fucking Peter Andre with your linen shirt blowing open. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I feel like the first time. Mysterious pie.

And they're like, oh, KFC. Oh, no. Oh, bean sprouts. Why don't you have some alfalfa, you fucking tree lankan. I'll be the new rep for Subway because I heard Jared's a bit busy these days. What the fuck is going on with Jared, okay? You're a big Subway fan, so you're tarred by fucking association, pity fiddler.

He looks a bit like a Subway fan, if you know what I mean. Enjoy your footlong. Oh, yeah. What's your favourite filling? I like a schnitzel. I like a schnitty. Yeah, and an eight-year-old's fingers. In your a-hole.

Bang, you're going down. Are we cutting that out? Do I get cookies with that or not? But you get free refills. Yeah, I like a schnitty. When you put on, I like a schnitty on the dark web, what comes up? Hey, I'm not a pedophile, I'm a child sex artist, okay? Yeah.

Anyway, what are the first time listeners getting out of this so far? So, as a result, is Subway, is that going the way of Video Easy now? Is it dying? Are people refusing to go in there because they go, I don't want to eat pedophile food? Is anyone walking in there opening up a meatball six-incher and finding a child's penis? It's not actually...

I don't think so. Well, Dill, you'd better be careful. You know, Jared lost all that weight and the next thing you know... Boom! It could become you, buddy. It reveals your real self. Finally, I'm fit enough to try and pick up kids. Come back here. Come back here.

They used to be repulsed by me and now... I couldn't chase them before now. Alright, now we've kicked this bitch into fifth gear. I always brought the candy along to tempt them but I ended up eating it. Just waiting outside the school. Is it your cheat... I can't believe people are clapping for Petal.

This is Dilrub. It's cheat day. I can fuck all the eight-year-olds I want. So... Hey, he's my friend, Carl. If you're my mate, Dilrub. It's cheat day. I can fuck all the eight-year-olds I want. So... Hey, he's my friend, Carl. If you're all I need, Dilrub, just use their podcast to trial material. Remember that.

That's good. That candy joke's a good one. All right, should we get another guest on? Let's get another guest on. Guys... We've run out. This guy, one of the biggest fans of the show we have, never misses an episode.

Please welcome into the Little Dunlop Club, Harley Brain! Yay! My phone, my phone. Oh, thank you, thank you. Don't. The last time Harley was on the show... No, you go there. I'm getting the microphone.

No, you can't take that. Jesus Christ, what are you talking about? The easiest bit of the show is this your first gig the last time I was on with

you was the drunk cast that's right you busted your shoulder and we had a great conversation in that drunk

cast where you talked and I sat there going yeah I don't think you said a word on stage and Mooney

punched all of us in the face at some stage I think and then I broke my own arm. I pretended to hump Rhys Nicholson very close to broken glass. Well, I humped him pretty hard,

but our clothes were on. The tally of assault that I have is Mooney slapped me, head-butted Bart Freeban and bit Danny McGinley. Comedy. Why don't you actually headbutted Bart Freeban and bit Danny McGinley. Comedy. Why don't you actually attack some good comics? It's just my way of telling them, get out of the industry.

Move to New York. Just standover tactics. Great. How's the shoulder going? Are you all good now? It's fucked. Yeah. It's 15 weeks on, I think, from that moment. Worth it, though. Worth it. all good now? It's fucked. It's 15 weeks on I think from that moment.

Worth it though. Worth it, totally worth it. It was great. What a wonderful moment that was that no one's going to ever remember. It wasn't recorded. It took me eight weeks to find out it was broken. Hello. I'm a dad. Why can't I pick up me child? why can't I pick up me child

why can't I pick up me child oh because me wife took it you're going to have to leave Centrelink oh no

it's good to have mates yeah it's real good to have mates that's great anyway so I finally you're like a current affair dad

just a really dodgy human which is has a lot more sting in it coming from a man like you So I finally got to... You're like a current affair, Dad. Just a really dodgy human. Which has a lot more sting in it coming from a man like you. To be told you're shit at life by Lawrence Boone, you should probably just go to the Westgate. You've got to fucking do some climbing now at the Westgate, don't you? You've got to be able to support your own body weight invert. As soon as they put that up, I, like any other Aussie male, looked at that and went, don't you? You've got to be able to support your own body weight invert.

As soon as they put that up, I, like any other Aussie male, looked at that and went, I could get a kid over that. Challenge accepted. I want to throw a... I like how you brought down all Australian males with you. I want to throw a child over it.

Every bloke looks at that and goes, I could definitely fucking hurl something over that. And what's more... It's like a competition. Every Aussie dad

when game one comes Two day old baby boom easy. 20 minutes into Westgate and chill he gives you this look. Turn it into a tunnel. Is this our pitch?

Turn it into a tunnel. Is this our pitch to get the Olympics back to Melbourne? Hurling kids off the Westgate. I babysat for Harley

a month ago. What a great time to bring that up. Harley's talking. off the west go I babysat for Holly what an awesome geek these two guys on the the same bill. Please tell me they weren't charging for that. It was donation at the end. No one stuck around. We had to pay the audience at the end. Anyway, I couldn't find a carer, so Dil looked after my child and now I'm... Do it for yourself. Sure, both. Yeah, carer

is a different thing. Carer is wiping an adult's ass and bath them and you know strap them to the bed a kid is like a babysitter you can't say carer

I want a carer yeah I'll need one shortly you know I'm a trained carer I'll tell you what Hung Lee you're right on there

what a sweet reference because at least 80% of this audience knows exactly who Hung Lee is. You're all very current. Anyway, I've been a carer. You could have at least said I'm a dog. You're a trained carer. I am a carer.

Adam Vincent. Yes. The wonderful Adam Vincent. He's an actual nurse. More clanging. He's an actual nurse, but he spent most of his nursing career. If we could all talk at the same time, that'd be cool. People at home love it when everyone's just shouting over each other.

Well, we're very excited about wiping each other's arses. Adam Vincent told me that he spent most of his career showering old people, and he said that he took a great deal of pride in it, because he said it's a very difficult thing for somebody else to be showered by another human. I've always found it very easy. Same. Just soap it up. Don't worry about the feet. Let it happen. Don't worry about the feet.

Or the face. If he's getting rough, just go with it. And he said that he did it with a great deal of pride and dignity because he liked showering old people. Because he needed to justify the fact that he had to be a nurse to fund his comedy career. Yeah, and had a terrific boner for most of his nursing career. Do you have to clean...

Harley... That was the line! Everyone saw their grandma and just went, no. Do you get in there, Harley? Do you clean anus and everything? The hand signal you had was very North South. If they're not circumcised, do you pull anus and everything? The hand signal you had was very north, Sarah. If they're not circumcised, do you pull back the foreskin? This is a podcast, not your personal sex line, you fucking freak.

If he wants to ask the question, I cared for a man named Shane who was 46 years old with cerebral palsy and he was classed as non-verbal podriplegic. Lawrence Mooney is now pointing to Carl Chandler. It's very accurate. Although Shane looked like he had more emotion in him than Carl Chandler. And I bet Shane was happy to propose to his girlfriend.

Shut up! Fatty. I've burnt him out. Well said, Shane. I hardly stop it. Carl's my friend. Anyway, I would do everything for Shane, including rolling his foreskin back

and making sure the end of his knob was clean. Yes, I did. Good on you, man. Thank you. Knob brothers. Can I just quickly get this one out of the way? So while you were on stage

I was taking care of your son I didn't clean Shane's cock on stage it was a private thing at his house that's a moose head show

2016 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Harley Brain in Shane and he's just standing in a shower

there's no Shane in Shane he's just standing in a shower recess at the back of the stage. He's not standing. He's fucked, mate. He's in a wheelchair all the time. He can't stand. He's completely spastic. He's fucked, mate.

Do they teach you that language at nursing school? He's fucked, mate. Actually, something that happens with cerebral palsy is something called involuntary muscle movement. Like an erection. Erections and all that sort of stuff happen. is something called involuntary muscle movement, right? And so one of my jobs was to put his... And erections and all that sort of stuff happened. And I was putting on his pants, his underpants at one point after a shower and...

Fuck, I love comedy podcasts. It's great. And he was quite fat, right? Because the guy never goes for a run. And I said... Shut up! I said to him, fuck, mate, you could do with a bit of exercise. You put it on a bit of a paunch there.

And then his foot went up and kicked me in the head. Which had happened plenty of times because of involuntary muscle movement. And I looked at him in the eyes and just went, involuntary muscle movement, my ass you spastic. And then he held his hand up in this shriveled way going back off the really delicious thing about this is that harley thinks he's safe saying all that shit because there's stairs and no wheelchair access here but my but my friend shelly who's in a chair is actually here and uh can you tell harley why why you're in a wheelchair, Shell? That's great, guys. No, that was really wonderful.

No, because I just like... I have just decided to retire from comedy. See ya! See ya, everyone! Harley, can you throw me over the West Gate? Should we make our final guess for today? What a great time to bring out somebody suicidal. Oh, God, can you throw me off the Westgate? Here's a suicidal.

Should we do it? What do you reckon? If you're bringing her on, can you ask her? Shane's actually standing. It's a miracle. Can you ask Fiona to bring me a beer? You know what? Actually, you know what?

In reference to AJ, that email I read out before, I resent the fact that he called this shambolic. Go fuck yourself, mate. Guys, please welcome, you know her as the first lady of Australian comedy, please welcome into the Oh dear Look at you You look fucking amazing Really Yeah You look good

Have you been Have you been to The Dilruk gym No Of self hatred And I don't know You do look really good

You look great What sort of What are you doing? How am I going to get up there? You can't get up there. Jesus Christ, you've had five kids and you can't figure out how to get on the stool. I'm feeling torn because it's the Dum Dum Club

and I always tell Dum Dum Club everything. What's news? What's been happening, Fiona? Has anything been happening? Yeah, I went into organ failure and was in a coma for a month. Clay. Oh, mate, we've all got stuff going on. It was a virus.

Are you still blaming the heater or have you come to own your drug and alcohol addiction? No, it was not drugs and it was not alcohol. I was... You are such a mess in coma. It was not drugs, it was not alcohol. I was... You are such a mess in Canada. It was not drugs. It was not alcohol. It wasn't. It was peyote then.

No. You're not still blaming the fucking heater. I am blaming the damn heater. Bullshit. Let's make it clear. So Fiona, what you just said

is you were in a coma for a month. Yes. So that's an actual thing. We've all been for a heater. Okay, well, because Fiona was in a coma for a month. Yes. So that's an actual thing. And we've all been for a heater. Okay, well, because Fiona was in a coma, maybe I can give a little bit of a backstory about the coma. Yeah, okay.

Okay, so I get a call from your daughter, Tess, who says, I think mum's going to die. So I go to the hospital that night. This is real. This is real. This is June 26th. I like to keep with the June. The June

thing was not lost on me either. On brand. But this is no light-hearted panic of a worried daughter. Your whole family is there. Your parents come from interstate. Your brothers and sisters are coming from every corner of the country. And in a bedside vigil hoping you don't die but

I was but expecting you to die and so we're talking to you you are you are in an induced coma you're on a respirator. You've got a liver function machine attached to you. You're on dialysis. You've got tubes everywhere. I grabbed one of your boobs. When I had a chance. I bet I can still get an erect nipple out of this baby.

Anyway, so... She wasn't in that much of a coma. What did I look like? You were yellow You're yellow You're What? Did she look like a sandwich? She was the colour of french fries

Did I look like a kitchener bun? Yeah You were yellow and you looked deathly and it was pretty awful. Yeah, I had the last rind. So I've had that sacrament, yeah. So your liver failed and then you were... And it was a heater. It was carbon monoxide poisoning, by the way.

And then a tooth extraction. And I thought I had early Alzheimer's and I couldn't remember anything. And then I had this tooth extraction. Anyway, Panadol 4, didn't know what, didn't know I'd taken it, took it more and more, anyway. And so Panadol... Off I went to God. Panadol and Panadol...

I didn't see God. ...are more dangerous for your liver than most things because people can, you know, they die over a period of days. Anyway, what happened was you were in ICU for a couple of days there and then they move you to a liver organ, liver special... Yeah, the Austin. ..plant unit at the Austin and you're in a coma for two weeks, which is dangerous for the brain.

Have we got fear in the back? Heard it here first, guys. Here's the test. Comas are dangerous. Don't do them. And, you know, we're all... So here you are. You're alive and I'm glad you are.

Thank you! It is... Guys, it's not... Obviously we're going to make light of it because this is who we are. We're a bunch of fucking idiots. Yeah, you stupid bitch. Got her!

But this is a real thing that were like we were all obviously very very extremely concerned and this was a thing where we all talked and you gave me the phone call and was like this is it and i was so grateful for the comedy community knowing about it and it never went anywhere and i only trust oh i told the Herald Sun they just wouldn't run it. I decided I would only ever talk about it on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yes. That's an exclusive. I went in to see you and I was like, I went to visit you when you were out of the coma and I was like, worried. I'm like, I wonder what she's going to be like.

And I talked to Carl who'd already been in. He's like, oh, no, she's pretty good. She's on the ball, whatever. And I walk in and I walk into the room. I'm like, oh, Fiona,'s going to be like. And I talked to Carl who'd already been in. He's like, oh, no, she's pretty good. She's on the ball, whatever. And I walk in and I walk into the room. I'm like, oh, Fiona, so good to see you. And you go, oh, Tommy Little, great to see you. I mean, I could see how you'd get us confused. You think that's better.

When I went to visit her, she goes, oh, so good to see you. Look what I have. And she pulls out a calling board and goes, you're a friend? It looks so good to see you. Look what I have. And she pulls out a golly walker. Your friend. Which is a very good sign. And, of course, I was worried that brain function may not return, which clearly it has. But you were in the Austin and it was, you know,

a period after you'd just come out of the coma. And so I went into the room and you were like, oh, fuck. I said, can I open a blind? Because you're light sensitive. And you went, nah, I'm going to open a blind. And I opened the blind,

and you were more yellow than you were before and quite bloated. I said to Fleety, you look like a yellow volleyball, which you don't now. And as a sign... Here's the story that I heard. This is the way I heard it.

You were coming out of consciousness and you came to visit and the first thing you did was run into the room and go, where's the fucking money? Where's the money? I said, don't trust anyone else, Fiona. Just trust me. Where have you hidden the money?

And she goes... Where is it? Where is it, Fiona? Don't trust your children, they all want it, give it to me. He did that to me and I didn't know what was happening. I was just like, I think I was in a coma and I think Lawrence Mooney is saying where's the money? And you were going, there is none. I said, don't bullshit me Fiona. My sisters played a joke on me, because I didn't know how long I'd been in a coma. I didn't even know I'd been in a coma. And my sisters came.

Everyone was taking a vigil in intensive care, and they were talking into their wrists, and they told me it was 2020. to you. And the whole world was microchipped. Tell them how you got them back. Oh, then I got them back. Because I worried if I had brain damage. And Dad was sitting with me and he was beautiful and I was chatting to Dad. And then he left the room and I said to my sisters, I've got no idea who that man is. The sign that you were back for me was I opened the blind and you said, see that fucking building down there?

I said, yeah, yeah. And Fiona goes, you know where that fucking building is? That's the Olivia Newton-John fucking wellness centre. And I went, I think she's back. Well, apparently your liver, your liver has, every organ is related to an emotion, and liver is anger, and I was an angry bitch, you know. And this nurse came in to take my blood and I didn't look well and I'm 52 and I maybe looked 82 and she said what did you used to do used to do and I said I used to suck cocks down by the wharf

during them during the during the war you you dumb bitch. And there's this physiotherapist came in one day and goes, so Fiona, have we been up walking today? And Fiona goes, oh, leave me alone. And she goes, can I have a look at your pedometer? Where's your pedometer? Because she's meant to strap this thing to her to count the fucking steps. And Fiona reaches under her pillow and goes there it is how are you still with us

it's a bloody miracle I've been asking that question for at least a decade it's you and Fleety you're going to outlive us all yeah they're Australia's William S Burroughs

you guys are going to go on tour as the cockroaches of comedy we will never die cut our heads off we and still be doing gigs. I honestly didn't go and visit her because I'm like, fuck it, as if she's going to die. This is going to kill her. Fleeting and I is going to be a race to the finish. Yeah.

Anyway. The slowest, most fucking pathetic race you've ever seen in your life. Just two yellow people dragging themselves across a line. When I was in the car, things happened. Like Malcolm Fraser died. I didn't know that. And the block is disrespecting June Northern. Oh, yeah.

What have they done? What's the update? When June Northern tried to top herself, that's the new block. Yeah, yeah. They bought that building. I think we'd actually spoken about that on a previous Dumb Dumb. Yeah, but we didn't know it was the block. Carl wouldn't know.

He doesn't listen to this podcast. No, we'll need his help. But did we talk about this? We got hit up. No, I listened to every episode and I didn't know it was the block. Carl wouldn't know, he doesn't listen to this podcast. But did we talk about this? We got hit up by a guy who works on the block in editing and he was going

to try and insert some references in, some Jude Northern references in. Yeah, but literally the

block did buy that building and that's what the last series of the block was, was knocking down that hotel.

Well, not knocking it down but just taking the inside out and just you know making it into the block but that's where the vampire

gigolo also bit a lady's tongue out yes can I just that's where I've done some of my finest work too but to be fair to be fair

you can't save all the buildings where Fiona Lachlan nearly died. Shut your mouth. You'd have to fucking... Well, this is about to be out of the podcast. I mean, you can't heritage list a two-man tent in Alice Springs. No, that was Azaria, not Fiona Lachlan.

Oh, sorry. Even Carl's upset by that line. I'm kind of upset by that one. Carl Azaria is my friend, sorry. Even Carl's upset by that line. I'm kind of upset by that one. Carl Azaria is my friend, Carl. Yet another timely reference from me. To represent your foreign listeners, who's Azaria? I'll tell you what, it's not a name that really caught on in Australia, is it? No.

Azaria. It's one of those ones that got blackballed after Adolf and all those sort of things. Have you met my children, Adolf and Azaria? Who is Azaria? They're very similar people, Adolf and Azaria. No, but they're just names that no one will go near. They both had similar moustaches. Do you really not know? It's the dingo ate my baby thing.

Oh, that one, yeah, yeah. Oh, that one. I only know it because of Seinfeld. They had a reference to it. It's a her, not a you. And Dilruch thought when he heard that news, if it's good enough for a dingo, it's good enough for me. Yeah, you fat fuck. I had to get one in sooner or later.

Do you though? Speaking of babies, should we do this? But just very quickly to wrap this whole story up, you've been out the joint for like what? The joint? Like a week or something? I'm still in the joint. No, but like the the you got out of hospital no no she's still she's still an inmate really i just she's still an inmate in a mental institution i really wanted to get it off my don't go near her i wanted to talk about it but as i said i'm only telling the little dumb dumb

well you fucking you you is this legal here and there's a room full of people here to fucking love you so round of applause for Fiona thank you thank you thank you you're fucking amazing you're seriously amazing anyway now that you're finished with comedy

what's your career what are you gonna do what are you gonna do well should we go to this should we should we do this should we do this stupid thing

that we've lined up if you have listened to our show before we talked a while ago a couple of weeks ago how I better go get ready you should go Should we do this stupid thing that we've lined up? If you have listened to our show before, we talked a while ago, a couple of weeks ago, how... I'd better go, get ready. You should go while I tell this story. Quick edit. A show something like Australia's Got Talent,

let's say it's not that, but let's say a show very similar to that. Are you under a confidentiality agreement? Well, I don't understand law at all, so I'm just going to talk really weirdly about it. So, a reality talent show hit me up, the same reality talent show that I tended to eat a dick on about 18 months ago,

and they changed production companies, and they said to me, would you coordinate the comedy section of this TV show? And I'm like, absolutely yes. Because if there's one person that all the comedians are going to believe, it's a guy that wrote a whole show about how shit their show is. So what's going to happen now is, so we talked about on the show a couple of weeks ago that I wanted Tommy Dasolo to be on Australia's Got Talent to be part of the audition process. And we came up with a little

character, a little mini character called Baby Bogan. Bogan Baby. Bogan, no, Bogan Baby? No, Baby Bogan. Bogan Baby. Well, let's really figure this out. Sorry, mate, I listen to this show. Oh, yeah.

I am aware of the Dum Dum Club. Where's your shit? You know what? I know what's going on here. I listen to it very regularly. I don't reckon you even know the two hosts. I've got no idea who you are. That's Karl Hofter.

Oh, fuck, I love Karl Hofter. I did a gig with him in Ballarat. So, what we're going to do now, we're going to transform... Can you say Saul one more time, please? Now. What we're going to do now is we're going to reboot the show. We're going to turn it into Australia's Got Talent, for lack of a better title. We're going to recreate the sort of setting of this, that show here,

so Tommy can get used to it. And we're going to have our judges on stage. So, Bogan baby's going to come out here, do his set, that he's planning on doing for Australia's Got Talent. Yes. Hopefully it gets more of a reaction than one person saying ha,

but. Well, it'll get further than you got with that. Wait, Carl never did Australia's Got Talent. Charlie Campbell hypothetically did it, but yeah. So what we're going to do now, we're going to make some space for this next act and we're going to start the show again.

So maybe if you guys want to come over this side, give him a bit of room. Yep, yep. And then you get to have your, like I said, we're going to completely the show again. So maybe if you guys want to come over this side, give him a bit of room. Yep, yep. And then you get to have your, like I said, we're going to completely recreate Australia's Got Talent. So you guys are the judges. You get to have your say afterwards. Give him, you know, get him used to the process.

I'm going to be the host. Great. I know this is Australia's Got Talent and not Idol, but can I assume I'm Marsha Hines? This is actually going to happen right now. So, guys, should we play? We're going to reboot. We're going to play the theme song.

I'm going to be the host. I'm going to introduce him. Are you ready for that? Yes. All right. So, guys, let him do his act, and then you've got your right of reply afterwards. So, here we go. All right.

This is going to be good. Have we got the pneumo? Can we get one thing right? Let's get it. Just like, hey, hey. I'm so excited. This is being played off a fucking tape recorder, apparently. This is just like the real show.

Keep into the dum-dum level of quality. What are we doing? Australia's Got Talent or X Factor? Australia's Got Talent. That was the theme song. The show that you were employed on? You could clearly hear that, couldn't you? They can hear it.

We can't. Yeah, right. Guys, hey. We've got our next act. He's an up-and-coming act. He's a very young comedian. So please give him all your love. So guys, please put your hands together and welcome to the stage,

Baby Bogan! Yeah! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh! Oh, fuck! Fucking wah. Oh my God. I need to go back to the hospital.

I reckon me mum was a junkie when she had me, because as soon as she gave birth to me, she asked me for 20 bucks. Normally when a baby's born, its bum gets a smack. They didn't do that with me. The doctor figured I had enough smack in me already. They knew I was a baby bogan because of my first words. Mum tried to breastfeed me when I'd already had enough and I said fuck off I'm full mum and dad have been trying to teach me me ABCs I reckon it's a waste of time

I'm too busy with these VBCs Victoria Bitter cunts Fuck yeah! Can I go first? So I've been drinking these, I've been drinking these, I'm on the VBs. I quit breastfeeding when I found out mum's tits are only 4% alcohol. You know, I cop a lot of shit for being the baby of some bogans because my parents are only 15 years old. And for that reason, I can't imagine how much shit my kids must cop. I'm fucking three. You're very hairy, Fitz-Reed.

You have the most fucked up body I've ever seen. Don't heckle him. To be fair, that does look like a baby's penis, so that's fine. This is art, cunt. I'm thinking of moving to a third world country like Ethiopia just so I can get adopted by Angelina Jolie because I want to suck on those titties. I go to kinder with a lot of kids with weird names

like Paris, Rome, London because they were named after where they were conceived which is why my real name is Was Aiming for Up the Bum But Missed. Hack. which is why my real name is Was Aiming for Up the Bum But Missed. Being a bogan baby I think it's pretty obvious what my favourite movie is, The Finding Nemo Porno. At the moment I'm really trying to make the most of masturbating because right now is one of the few times in life

that you're allowed to touch the dick of a three-year-old. Mum took me to see Dora the Explorer at Westfield last week. Needless to say, I was the one doing the exploring of Dora's mouth, pussy and arsehole. I'm the Bogan baby. Oh, Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan, everyone. Anyway, see you, cunts. I'm off to go get jerked off

at the back of a Wiggles concert by a fucking Wiggle. Okay, give it up for Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan. Hang on, hang on, hang on. So Baby Bogan, that was great. Baby Bogan, was that Guys Baby Bogan Hang on hang on So Baby Bogan

That was great Baby Bogan Was that your first time on stage? That was my first ever time on stage Yeah That was That's That's actually working isn't it?

You've got to pass Like a dummy thing On the top of a VB And you can actually drink through it Yeah Okay can I Can I go first? Baby Bogan

Judge Lawrence Mooney Please let me know What you think about Baby Bogan. Well, I thought it's a bold choice and I liked you. I thought you were great. I counted the jokes. There's about 12 jokes. And I think you're above 50-50 on the hit or miss rate, okay? When you say your mum's boobs were like only 4% alcohol,

what percentage fat are your titties? They're about 100 at this point, yes. And also I just want to add, congratulations for sucking in for most of the act. Because you've really let it go now. I think something I've learnt from watching that act is you can've really let it go now. I think something I've learnt from watching that act is you can't suck your back fat in.

And sitting behind you, I've got to say, your mullet's migrating down to your ass crack. Wow, cop and fat jokes when Dilruch's on the panel. Fucking brutal. down to your ass crack. Wow, cop and fat jokes when Dilruch's on the panel. Fucking brutal. The physical repulsion isn't part of it. So for me, you're going to Sydney.

It's a yes. Baby Bogan, congratulations. I feel a little disturbed. Just your physical self seems to be a bit there, a bit there, a bit there. This is the most action Fiona's had in a month. You actually have no arse to speak of. The flattest arse.

He's pushed it all into that sweet baby dick. If this keeps going, Fiona's going to ride you like a borrowed horse. She's been in fucking Changi for three weeks. Guys, I'd like it if you'd focus on the art and stop objectifying me for my body, thanks. I'm a serious performer. Look, Baby Bogan works very hard on these jokes. If you can concentrate on them, then I will. Baby Bogan, it is a no from me, but if you come back in, say, 18 years, maybe.

I'm just looking at the audience. They're astounded. They're shocked. They're like, why is this happening? Why is the ritual humiliation of baby Bogans still going? Guys, wrap it up so I can put some fucking pants on, please. No, no, no. For God's sakes. I just want to ask, the first time listeners, by the way,

he gets naked every week. It's usually an audio podcast but it doesn't matter. Over the years, I think there's been a lot of confusion about your gender, baby Bogan.

And I think now that we've seen you with basically nothing on and you seem to be covered in a lot of hair, there's still a lot of confusion about your gender. So I'm saying

you're coming to Sydney because I want to find out. So it rests on Marsha. Two out of three. Am I going through to the next round? Yeah, I'm in. So we've got a no, two yeses. Just when I didn't think your career could be in more of a toilet. Look at you on stage in an adult diaper.

You are fucking going to Sydney, my friend. Of course you are. You know what? Isn't that good news that you get to do this again? For a long time, I've been thinking about doing the crossover, just quitting performing to just manage, and I want to take baby bogan and Gary Chook on the road yes I'm gonna find it I'm gonna produce it this is my roll of

the dice they've basically got the same writer so that'll be fine it's a it's a it's the same material just shared between two characters to be fair so I am being absolutely sincere when I say this but I reckon that's a fucking winner like I seriously think... If you cleaned it up, obviously you'd take away the crass gags. Man, that is fucking funny. Oh, wow. Well, if Dilruch thinks it's good, it must be, hey?

Because I never laugh at anything. Because you're an expert in comedy. I couldn't... Have a look at your own fucking career, mate. Maybe, but... Guys, I'm going to go and get dressed. Fat jokes are fine. Jokes about inadequacies. Why? Every time I... You to go and get dressed. Fat jokes are fine. Jokes about inadequacies.

You are dressed enough. You sit your pretty ass down. You are plenty dressed. I hated it. By the way, Tommy's parents really are here, aren't they? No, they were. They walked out. No, no.

They really walked out. They were here. Tommy's mum has gone into a coma voluntarily. I think if Tommy's going to be down to his jocks, it's only fair that we are all down to our jocks. Fiona. Oh, shut up. That's out of character for you to use that line.

Fiona, strip off. No. Get down to your underpants. All right, do it. Tommy's mum and dad will be in the audience. Oh, no, no, no. Who wants to crowd surf the bug and baby out of here? No, she's vulnerable. Oh, no. But if you boys are going to kid off, I'd like to go out in the audience went oh no no no who wants to crowd surf the bug and baby out of here no she's vulnerable

oh no but if you boys are going to kid off I'd like to go out in the audience and watch that'd be fun they watch him in his finger herself to be honest with you

my body is not too dissimilar to Tommy's it's a fucking disaster mine's just a bigger non-depressive version of you like maybe we should have a wet t-shirt

man city competition I've got good boobs. Seriously, I've got great boobs. Let's get them out. You've got boobs? No, you're quite flat chested. Oh, they're quite nice, aren't they? Look at those.

What the fuck is this? What's going on? This is a good angle. How is anyone not looking at this? Remember the days when Baby Borgen was the weirdest thing that happened? I'm more than willing Wow, that's a firm See, I don't reckon you guys have got boobs at all

Close to mine You're a fat fuck That's a tit That's a fucking good boob Harley, I know you refer I don't reckon... Come on, shut up. You grab mine, I'll get yours.

Harley. Harley, I know you reference... She's gone into a coma again. She's gone into a coma. Where's the fucking money? Where's the money? Harley, I know you reference this in your stand-up. Someone turn money? Harley, I know you referenced this in your stand-up. Someone turn the heater down.

I know you do this in your stand-up, but for those people who haven't seen it, can you please tell them the story about you? Everybody here has seen everything I've ever done. I'm very famous. No, just, but for the people listening, people who haven't listened, please tell the story about your man tits

when you were a kid. All right. When I was a child, I was 13 years of age, and there was not great access to porn in my Methodist family upbringing. So I poked the shot of my tits into the mirror and kept my head out of it and fucking tried to get one away. What? What?

I told you it was worth it. What a fucking loser. Wait, I love that Carl... Says the man in the tenor lady pad. No, seriously, though. I love that Carl keeps going, what, what? And he books you all the time. I've never seen that.

And you've never seen that bit. I've never seen that bit. Seriously, who hasn't been in the change rooms at Meyer where they've got that beautiful three-way mirror thing happening and you think, I'm going to bat off in here. Fucking A. Yeah, and you can cut yourself out and you go, oh, there's a guy wanking over there. He's got a beautiful cock.

I've genuinely done that. And then you give the number back to the girl and just go, no thanks, none of that fits. And there's just a pile of clothes and your own jeers in the corner. Have you got a Maya one card? Oh, yeah. It's not scanning properly. There seems to be something covering the barcode. I might go.

I might go. I think I should go. We've all... I think I should put a shirt on at the very least. Don't you go anywhere, princess. You just sit here. People don't want this. They want it.

Look how happy they are. Who wants me to put a shirt on at the very least. Princess, you just sit here. People don't want this. They want it. Look how happy they are. Who wants me to put a shirt on? Put your hands up. People don't want this. All right, well, fair enough. You fucking shut up. She's wearing one of the dum-dum shirts.

The only audience member that's wearing a dum-dum shirt wants you to put your fucking shirt on. Do you know what? These people are here because they love your show and they love your comedy, but perversely, it's like The Biggest Loser. They're happy they're not you. And so this just exacerbates their joy that you're here like this.

I like how this is the point in the show where we've all put ten foot between each other. I only did it because I'm erect. Well, it turned into a gay orgy and Fiona fucked off. Or she's sitting next to you, you dumb cunt. Or she's just in another coma because she needs attention. Fuck, how do we bail out of this one? What, are you going to blame your kidney failure on the kettle?

Fuck it up. I've got coronary heart disease. I'm fucking sick of that mix, master. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think that brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Give it up, Fiona O'Loughlin, Lawrence Mooney, Jill Rookjai Singer, Harley Breen. Thank you. Fuck, it's about to get brutal.

Oh, it's about to get brutal. Who wants to crowd surf the Bogan baby out of here? Oh, yeah, do it. Oh, no, no one wants to touch that. Fair enough. Yeah, hey, thanks so much, guys, for coming on. Give it up for all of our guests. Give it up for Dilraba Jaya Singer.

Let's keep chatting up here. Lawrence Mooney. Harley Breen. Fiona Lachlan. Thanks, everyone, for coming. See you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.

Yeah. See you, mates! See you, mates!