The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 261- Andy Lee & Peter Helliar

Episode Date: October 6, 2015

Thieving Fans, Lifts from Andy and Bogan Baby Feedback Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Mark Maron's marination tour that is happening all around the country very soon. Carl, what are the dates? Hey, yeah, Mark Maron from the WTF podcast is appearing in Sydney at the State Theatre on Thursday, October 15th. They're jetting down to where we are, Melbourne, on Friday, October 16th at the awesome Palais Theatre. And then the next night he's back up to Brisbane on Saturday, the 17th of October at the City Hall. All hotbeds of Dum Dum listeners. Yeah, you guys are podcast listeners. This guy is sort of your king, you know,

your little godly king of podcasting, Mark Maron. So go check him out. He's like a successful little Dum Dum club. Yeah, his stand-up is great at the moment, so go check that out. We are also, as you know if you listened last week, currently sponsored by Yalla Chocolate Mousse. lots of people have been sending us photos of themselves eating the mousse getting the mousse off their shelves in their supermarkets awesome there's been plenty of texts coming in to the dumb dumb hotline of which you all know the phone number of yeah uh

but yeah get on twitter get on facebook let us know uh if you're enjoying it uh get pictures of yourself with yellowllen Moose. It's awesome. Check the page because we've been trying to get as much of a list of where you can get it as possible. I'll tell you this, it's at my local Peter Monty's in North Fitzroy, so go check it out. It's in Hawthorne. Yeah, you can yell at me whilst eating moose fresh out of the supermarket there. Also, not much time left until our big live three-hour Dumb Dumber Palooza happening in Perth on October the 18th at the Velvet Lounge.

We've got us. What? Let's make that clear. So it's a three-hour show. That means you get an hour of stand-up from little Tommy Daslow. You get my last show from the festival that you heard plenty about where basically I do my stand-up. And then we have other comedians heckling me, running me into the ground. It's even more brutal than the podcast, to be honest.

Yes, yes. And then you've got the live Dum Dum episode there with our special guest, Tommy. Josh Earle, Xavier Michaelides, and the big weigh-in of Dilruk Jasinger. Exactly. Are we going to have him on the bike? Who knows? Someone will be on the bike. There'll be a bike there.

There'll be an exercise bike there. Please keep scratching your nose and just pointing the microphone away from your face when you do it. Okay. Am I doing it enough face when you do it. Okay. Am I doing it enough now? Yeah, it's fine. That's going to be huge. Also, November the 17th in Adelaide.

Barely worth mentioning Adelaide at this point, isn't it? I mean, we're sold out already, aren't we? An absolute waste of breath. Are we sold out yet? No, we're still selling like absolute shit. So, you know what? Maybe we do this. Maybe within – I know there's a lot of people thinking, ah, we're still selling like absolute shit. So you know what? Maybe we do this. Maybe within – I know there's a lot of people thinking,

ah, they'll get them the day before. What if in a week's time we just jack the price up by $20? You know what I mean? We make this like an unofficial kind of – this is a pre-release price. Yeah, yeah. We need to give people in Adelaide excuses not to come. Yeah, yeah. Good idea.

Tickets on the door are $150. So don't sleep on it, you idiots. You goddamn idiots. And then of course, Sydney, November the 22nd at the Roxbury Hotel, already selling very well. Selling like the opposite of Adelaide. In many ways, yeah. So guys, partake of

all those things. Come buy some tickets. Come say hi to us out there in the real world. Enjoy today's episode. Support our sponsors. Yep. And we'll see you out there. See you mates. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead.

I feel like up the start of the show is probably a good time to do a bit of feedback that we've gotten from listeners during the week. I'm sure it'll be all positive. It actually is. I know you've seen this one. I think this is the best piece of correspondence we've ever gotten. Right.

This is a tweet that came in during the week to AtDumbDumbClub from a guy called Dale Rogers. You fuckers are literally so funny I didn't even hear someone break into my house last night and steal my shit. You suck, you funny fucks. If that's the best piece of feedback we've had, that just shows the rotten usual feedback we get, that someone's had their house robbed and we think that's a good thing.

But I think the feedback here is like any common thieves that are listening, if you know someone who's into this program, just wait until Wednesday when an episode comes out. They'll be having such a good bloody laugh that you'll be able to just sneak in. Oh, that reminds me. I've sent out all those t-shirts on sale with my house address on the back. Oh, yeah? No, good idea.

Because you do listen to this show. You listen to your own work and you're just piercing yourself. Yeah, yeah. I'm a big fan of me. Well, today on the show, two very special guests that we're very excited about having in. First of all, you know him from the project and from It's A Date. Please welcome back into the little

Dumb Dumb Club, Peter Hellier. Thank you very much. Thank you. And I should apologise. I nominated the place where we are to meet to do the Dumb Dumb Club today. Hopefully that's not giving away any secrets or magic of the podcast. And then I was about half an hour late. So I

it was a power play because basically I passed about five or six billboards with our other guests on it and I thought, no, bugger this. I'm gonna I'm gonna do a little power play here. So I slowed up, pulled over, got some Maccas. It's good. It's very nice of you to

welcome us into the Scientology Centre today. So I really appreciate you putting in a word, getting us in here. It's funny because just before we started recording, we said, oh, well, you know, at least you guys are more professional than Dave O'Neill. It doesn't sound like it now. It sounds exactly like Dave O'Neill. I pulled over because I saw Dave on the side of the road as well, so I'm not sure what power play he was pulling.

Also joining us, you know him as one half of Hamish and Andy. Please welcome first time into the Dum Dum Club, Andy Lee. I imagine there's some hazing that happens first time in. Yeah, well, that was it. We get the second guest to not rock up for half an hour. Yeah, Carl, get the paddle out. Here we go. Yeah, you got stuck talking to us for an extra half an hour.

That's your initiation. That's fine. That was off the record stuff. Yeah. Hey, speaking of, my house got robbed. I just heard, yeah, about your listener over there, but my house got robbed during the Logies. So if you're ever going to know someone's not at home, yeah,

Hamish and I were at the Logies. Yeah, my house got completely cleaned out. Cat burglaries night of nights. Collingwood footballer this year, Jonathan Marsh, who played his first game And he's West Australian And his family

I think Robbed him Because they knew They were going over For the game So they're pretty They're crafty That's a very

English Premier League thing When they know That teams are going away Like overseas For a European Cup gig Or whatever They'll ransack the house But I mean

That's the good thing About me and Tommy We've never got anything to do. Stay home, protect your gear. Well, in my case, I have nothing of any value that's worth stealing. Oh, the perfect plan. A similar thing happened. This is back in the day for AFL fans out there.

At Carlton, there were two guys that came on board, I think probably mid-90s, called Carl Norman and Lawrence Angwin. Yes. The bad boys of AFL. The bad boys of AFL. Carl Norman's first game, his house got robbed by Lawrence Angwin. That's not a joke. That's true.

That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Carl only found out. I bumped into Carl at a wedding just recently. I was like, oh, my God, I think you're one of the bad boys of Carlton Football. And I got the found out I bumped into Carl at a wedding just recently I was like, oh my god, I think you're one of the bad boys of Carlton Football And I got the story out of him He's like, yeah, he only found out that his house got robbed by Lawrence When he went to try and find a car

And he was like, oh, there's a similar one And went out to this dealership And the girl's going, oh yeah, a Carlton Football player sold this to me And then got oh, yeah, a Carlton football player sold this to me. Oh. And then got identified, yeah. Wow. So Angwin's also signing autographs and probably wearing his Carlton jumper down at the dealership as well.

Man, what's he doing now? Carl Norman, he plays in the country leagues. Apparently he's still kicking a ton of gold. Oh, yeah, talent for many things it seems. Kleptomania is one of them. Yeah, Cleptomania is stealing, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, man, Jesus.

I like that the two bad boys of AFL and one of them just had to go that little bit further just to prove that he's the king bad boy. Was he stealing shit out of people's lockers as well? I mean, that was all. Here's another. I'm going to say allegedly for this one because apparently as well, Carl and Lawrence used to live together. Right. And the first year Carl thought something was a bit weird.

But on Carl's birthday, he got home and Lawrence got, oh, man, sorry. I opened all the mail. I just thought it was for me and I've opened the mail. Easy mistake to make. Generally, it doesn't have anyone's name on it. Oh, no, that's right. He's like, I'm really sorry. And here's my mail. And doesn't have Anyone's name on it Oh no That's right She's like I'm really sorry

Here's my mail And Carl's like No sweat No dramas A year later The mistake hasn't happened For an entire year 365 days

A year later Same day birthday Lauren's gone Mate I'm so sorry I've opened your mail Today And Carl's looked At the cards

And gone I do normally get 20 bucks from my grandma. 50 bucks from my mum and dad. Made a few calls and that's what he'd be up to. Allegedly. Allegedly. Wow, that's grim. Just sweating

on it 365 days to score 20 bucks. Is that why Carlton got done on the salary cap? Because that wasn't included in there? Oh wow. Because I once had a housemate, I'm not sure if I've told done on the salary cap? Because that wasn't included in there? Oh, wow. Because I once had a housemate. I'm not sure if I've told this on the show before.

When I used to live in Ballarat, Clang, I know we've all got stuff going on, but yes, I did live in central Victoria. I once had a housemate move out because we'd gotten mail. And it was very early back. Remember when like, they're not shopper dockers, but those voucher books would come out in the mail? Oh, yeah, yeah. So I think basically we got sent Ballarat's first voucher book.

All right. And my housemate was that dumb. He got that in the mail and went, this is worth like $8,000 in savings. Got it and went, no, nothing in the mail today, guys, and moved out the next day. Thought that was worth his while. Moved out and had like,

oh mate, I'm earning, you know, I'm saving 60 bucks on a spare tyre down the road. Straight down to KFC to get a dollar

off a zinger. Yeah, yeah. Got him. Got him a beauty. Then straight off to Mexico with his savings. I better flee the country.

Yeah, yeah. 25 bucks off a Contiki tour so I took off there. Well, speaking of that because we brought you up on the podcast or specifically I did Andy a couple of weeks that Because we brought you up On the podcast Or specifically I did Andy

A couple of weeks ago Because And you'll Hopefully you'll remember this But you I was walking down the street And you pulled over At the front of my house

A couple of weeks ago I didn't know it was your house But yeah I thought you were He thought you were on holidays And he was Staking it out But yeah

I did I saw you And I thought maybe you were waiting for a cab or the tram or something. Yeah, yeah. Probably the tram more likely. Probably the tram. And I pulled over to see whether you needed to live somewhere. I know, but that was a beautiful thing because,

as I've talked about on the show many times, that road, for whatever reason, I just get relentless abuse on Riversdale Road. So when you pulled over, I was like, I'm going to fucking cop it right now. Why? Why do you think you're getting abuse? I don't know. Is it a Channel 10 hat you're wearing at the moment? I am wearing a Channel 10 hat.

We get it, mate. Yeah, I get a lot of seven and nine people yelling at me. But yeah. No, for some reason, I don't know why I just get yelled at on that road. I just get so much abuse here that I hear you yell out and I'm like, and I see the car pull over and I'm like, well, to be fair, this is a better quality of person that's going to abuse me because this is quite a nice car at the moment.

And then you run down the window and I'm like. What, do they normally pull over to abuse you? No, no, no. To be honest, when you pulled over and went down the window, I go, well, this is not going to be good, but I've got nothing much to talk about on the podcast. So all right, let's cop it.

Let's see what happens. And then you're there and I'm like, oh, this is weird. Like this is how used to the bad behavior of our listeners is that I'm like, okay, I'll cop it, I'll cop it. And then you go, oh, hey, do you want to ride? I'm like, thrown. I'm like, oh, positivity. I did not expect this. Generosity. I am thrown. And I'm like, oh, I, do you want a ride? I'm like, thrown. I'm like, oh, positivity. I did not expect this.

Generosity. I am thrown. And I'm like, oh, I don't know what to say. Oh, and plus, you know, I've only met you maybe once or twice. I've met you once, yeah. Yeah, you're like, hey, Carl. I'm like, how the fuck does this guy know my name? What's going on?

And also for context, you were on your way to go and do the podcast that day. Yes. Like this happened on your way in. Yes. So Carl comes in just more flummoxed than I've ever seen anyone before, just bewildered at what was going on. Yeah. Probably shows how much spare time I have that I can pull over

for bare acquaintances. And off we go. Bendigo? Yeah, I can do it. One time I was driving along and I saw an American, US Open champion Sam Stoser on the side of the road. So the day wasn't as good for you when you saw me. Similarly, I saw her nervously and I was trying to hail cabs.

I thought, oh, gee, I'm not doing anything. I'll see if she wants a lift. And so I pulled over and I was like, oh, Sam, how are you going? And she goes, oh, Andy, how are you going? I said, do you want a lift somewhere? It looks like you. And she goes, yeah, I'm running so late for dinner. I was like, oh, Sam, how are you going? And she goes, oh, Andy, how are you going? I said, do you want to live somewhere? It looks like you – and she goes, yeah, I'm running so late for dinner. I was like, yeah, no problem. And she jumped in and I was driving and I was hoping –

she was at the tennis centre, so I was hoping somewhere like Richmond or something. And she's gone and it was about 6.15 and she's gone. I go, yeah, cool, whereabouts is the dinner? And she said, oh, Preston. and she's going, I go, yeah, cool, whereabouts is the dinner? And she said, oh, Preston. Now, turning left into Punt Road when you're going from the tennis centre,

it's just bumper to bumper traffic. And I hadn't really pre-planned an hour of small talk with her. So when I was asking her at about the 40-minute mark how she gets enough spit on her kickstand, I suppose at that point, I live in Richmond, so I've gone past my house. 40 minute mark how she gets enough spit on her kickstand. And I suppose at that point, I live in Richmond, so I've gone past my house. What street? Just for when the next

Logies comes. You cannot have predicted that she was going to Preston. I would have thought casino. Yes, exactly. Somewhere, that's where they all go. That's on her before she gets in to go, just so you know, I'm going, you know, I'm going to Preston. I'm going, just so you know. Well, exactly. Or I should have done

that cabbie thing where I wind down the window just five centimetres and go, where are you going, mate? Oh no, I've just knocked off. Sorry, mate. Sorry. It's change over time. So this seems like a pretty regular thing for you, just offering people lifts.

Hang on, did you invent Uber? Yeah. Is that what you're going to transition into once radio wraps up? Put a GoPro camera in your car. Exactly. No, I mean, they're probably the only two times I've done it. But, yeah, I suppose it does represent how little care I have or little to do after I've finished work.

Hamish and Andy's gap year, punt road. Yeah, yeah. Just you guys giving lifts up and back. I'd watch that. Well, this is actually – now, I don't think you will remember this. The first time I ever did meet you, Andy, was about seven, eight years ago. I did a comedy competition, as we've all done early on. Pete, did you do comedy competitions?

I did Raw. Is it Raw? Yeah, Raw comedy. And every year they kind of In the book they say They go through the people Who you know Like won Raw

Or done well in Raw And they mention me But I never made it through To the national finals I did it twice Did it the first year Missed out to Some really good comedians

Damien Callen And Adam Richard A couple of others And then the second year Not on the project though Not on the project Not okay And then the second year I Like A couple of others. Not on the project though. Not on the project. Not okay.

And then the second year, I just had a great gig and then I didn't make it through and I was a bit devastated. And then I was told later on that I wasn't considered raw enough anymore. I was like, what the fuck? Did you let me do it? And this might have been something that I said. I may not have been in the top whatever. You were medium rare. Yeah. But been something that was said. I may not have been in the top whatever. You're medium rare. But I was getting paid gigs.

I was doing the cheese shop at that time, which back then was a reasonable thing to be doing. So I kind of made sense of it a little bit. But I was always pissed off that I never played the town hall because when you're coming through, you see the town hall. You just want to do that big gig. And I've got the same stories. I could sit here. I'm sure we could turn these mics

off and have a bit of our conversation each as to who we were better than in each head, who the judges were and how they didn't know shit and all that sort of stuff. But it's funny how you hold on to that sort of stuff. Is it funny? I'm shaking in the fetal position now. But I just like that. They always say, oh, look, you know, it doesn't matter if you don't win

because you know what? Pete Hellyer or Rove or doesn't matter if you don't win Because you know what Pete Hellyer or Rove or Hughsey They never made it through You know And I always think That just sort of makes it sound Like you're running a bit of a shit gig Get some more judges guys

Hamish and my first ever radio demo For SynFM student Hamish Blake Oh right For SynFM The student youth network on RMITV. Year 12s get a slot.

Our first demo was rejected. We didn't get a slot on CineFM. Wow. I did community radio for Plenty Valley FM, okay? Clang. And I did like a course, which was kind of partly kind of government funded and it was through a radio station.

And I did a thing with a mate of mine, James Brasher, one of the funniest guys who's never been involved with comedy, I know. And we did a show called, I think it was called Friday Morning Magazine. All the shows, it was Monday Morning Magazine, Tuesday Morning Magazine, that's what the show was called. We did it Friday. And then we wanted to get, I think we wanted to do all five. I think they were putting it up there to do all five.

And I became program director. Okay. Program director. And I still missed out. I'm not – the only reason I became program – I forgot to go to the meeting. And so I gave it to my sister. Oh, wow. Awkward.

But anyway, Carl, you were saying – Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like community radio version of the Packers. Helios running the shop down there. No, so I did meet you very, very briefly at a comedy competition. It was out in Maribyrnong. Yes. They had a yearly competition.

They used to have one out there for a couple of years at the Anglis Tavern. Yes. Big comedy competition. So you'd go into a heat And then everyone got put into a final I don't know whether you ever did that No I either headlined or Yeah yeah

MC'd or something Yes So I went and did that one year And we got to the final And it was like Oh great Because when you start The comedy competitions are awesome

Because it's always like People bring their friends It's always a massive big vibe And huge whatever So it's great And there's prizes and whatever And they On this one they would have

A celebrity panel Yourself included There was a bunch Of other people From Channel 9 And Channel 7 The Herald Sun Sort of stuff like that

And he's also driving All the contestants out there Chauffeur slash judge So we go in there And it's a great gig It's like packed And you know It feels really cool

That you guys are there And there's a huge crowd And it's a really good gig I storm it Have have a great one. And the good thing is with those comedy competitions, usually it's sort of voted by the crowd. You never know what's going to happen. But because you've got the judges, it's like, oh, right,

these guys know what they're doing and whatever. So I have this great gig. Everyone else has okay gigs. I'm like, I'm leading this thing. I'm on the top of the leaderboard here. Then this guy that we've never, no one's ever heard of sort of walks in and all the comedians are like, we've never seen this guy before. I start doing the intel on him.

It's like, oh, it's some guy that just turned up at the cricket club a few weeks ago and he's from the West Indies and comes over and reckons he can tell a few jokes. So he gets up there and just like destroys with 11 jokes about how big his dick is because he's from the West Indies. And I'm like going, but this is fine. This is all good for the crowd. But, you know, we've got the judges.

So I think I'm, you know, I've got these well-honed, crafted jokes. So I think I'm sitting pretty here. So we get up there. I don't know about you guys, but I have no idea what's going to happen this time. Color me stumped. Anyway, I won. What else is going on?

Justice prevailed. I know. So then I get up there. It's like, here's a winner and runner-up. Runner-up Carl Chandler, winner Brian Lara or whoever this guy is. And I'm like, oh. Was it Brian Lara? Was it actually Brian Lara?

No, it wasn't Brian Lara. It was overall. It wasn't Brian Lara. But I'm like, oh, no. Okay. All right. So at least I got second prize. So they go, first prize for this guy, $3,000.

Awesome. Second prize. Get up here, Carl Chandler. No worries. Here's a sick pack of Red Bull. Oh, okay. That was a bit of a step off. Okay.

So not only can you not win, but you have to stay up all night, RPA, and think about why you didn't win. And they weren't even cold so that was the thing so I walk around and go okay well you know to be fair

he did get the most laughs alright but then you hang around all the rest of the night because it's still a night of comedy and then you

I eventually run into all the judges so I run into you and I met you and you're lovely and you go oh look mate you know bad luck on that

like I voted for you so what do you do it's a good tactic it's a good tactic I It's a good tactic. I said the same to the West Indian. I then proceeded to, I'm thinking, oh, great, Andy. Awesome. He voted for me.

I then proceeded to run into every other judge who'd go, bad luck, mate. I voted for you. By the end, I'm going, oh, I feel sorry for this West Indian. No one voted for him. Hang on. Hang on. He won it.

So I'm running into the like you know oh who's the guy oh Luke Darcy who's the yeah yeah he owned the angle owns the place

and he comes up and goes oh sorry mate I voted for you I'm like nah you didn't you're a huge footy player

you did vote for the guy with 11 jokes about how big his dick is I'm sorry but you did actually vote for that meanwhile he's like going Red Bull

gives you wings so you can fly off into another profession you fucking have. Well, I mean, I do, I did feel like,

Hamish and I felt like giant phonies when we go to stand-up gigs to judge comedy anyway in that situation because stand-ups are very different craft to what you guys do.

It's a very different craft to what we do. Hamish and I, particularly myself, we're not very good stand-ups. You guys started out doing some live stuff. We did. Yeah, we did.

And then Haim and I hate saying the same thing twice. Right. So we would try and write a whole new thing for the next show and the next show. Right, okay. Which you guys would know is suicide. It's fucking ludicrous. We are massive hacks, let's make that clear.

So we'd go out and just be fresh stuff and also when you're doing a double act, if you can call it that, there's times where you can sit down and if you put time into it, you can hone a great back and forth and I think you can get away with lesser form because you can bounce off each other.

But if you haven't put the time in, it turns into just, all right, you just do a bit and then I'll nod along and then I'll do a bit. And that particular night I think we performed or we did another one out in the Anglers and it was that we got out there, we hadn't really thought of anything. I'll just say a few jokes and you say a few jokes and we'll both just look at each other.

It was the worst thing. I think we probably stopped after that oh really yeah no because you actually did a fundraiser like one time because we used to do

the community TV show Studio A and we had a bunch of people come along and do fundraiser and you guys headlined one night and it was that thing where we were like

oh we didn't know they were a stand up so we go in there with our best five because there's 600 people there and we're like oh and you guys waltz out

and do an hour ten of just making stuff up and people are just climbing on the roof going, this is the best. And we're like, oh, how are we going to follow this? Why were they climbing on the roof? We released spiders.

Snakes. Sorry, five minutes of their routine was they set up a fire. Don't you do that when you're really enjoying something? Like, get the stepladder out. Rowan Atkinson's done it again. Sometimes halfway during sex, I just leave and jump on the roof. I'm like, where are you going?

Oh, this is so good. It's so good, sweetie. I'm on the roof. It's funny what you say about trying to do a brand new set every time you perform. I'm currently sitting around trying to work out, is there any way of me salvaging

my Tony Abbott gear that I've had for nearly two years now that's a genuine concern in my life at the moment like fuck I can't let it go it's all I've got

yeah there's a lot of you going now how do I start this remember Tony Abbott and we're back in and we're in

you guys remember how he was fucked right yeah he ate an onion for fuck's sake getting back to comedy competitions And we're back in And we're in You guys remember how he was fucked right? He ate an onion for fuck's sake Getting back to comedy competitions This seems like it's going to be the theme of at least the first half of the show When I was at Today FM with Judith Lucy We did a big Australian Idol Because that was the big show at the time

Called Comedy Idol See what we did And ran it at the comedy store And the prize was 50 grand. Oh, wow. Yeah. And so, you know, a lot of people came and ended up coming from not just Sydney but – Hang on.

Second prize slab of Red Bulls. Slab of Red Bulls. We got the ante. And it was interesting. Seinfeld flew out for this. It's a big prize. Louis C.K. won it. And so we had a panel Me and Jude were eyes on it

And then I guess And I robed it at once And you know And no doubt some others Who I'd forgotten But And It was interesting

Because it ran for about four weeks And And Matt O'Kine Got through to the final And he was like clearly One of the slickest there. But we gave it to this guy who was just like we thought was just the most interesting comic in the room.

Like as far as he was a bit of an idiot. He had a big dick. He had a big dick. He was Jamaica. Brian Lara was his name. No, he wasn't Brian. It was Richard Richardson. And we kind of thought he was a bit of an idiot savant.

He just had this really weird kind of take. Everyone else was a little bit similar, you know, as often we are when we're starting out. We're doing the classic stuff and topics. And he was just really interesting. So we gave him that, $50,000. He was quite a shy guy. And the prize. And such a and the and and we announced it and then the next morning we

announced it in the morning and i remember we're gonna have lunch with all the finalists that day um and i went back to my hotel hang on you have lunch with all of them after you've announced it yeah after afterwards yeah what a great vibe nobody turned up one guy did so the bill's on you yeah you fucking animal yeah everyone was really

good about it but I got a call from one of the guys high up at Osteria and it's the only time I think in my career

I've been screamed at because what they were kind of thinking is well we'll give it to somebody who can then become a bit of

a star of the station as well but that was never expressed to us it was just like we're doing this thing and me and you were really kind of

pure and honest about we're looking for a stand up comedian here we're looking for the guy who is the most interesting and the funniest

and all those things and so we gave it to that guy and he just tore shreds I think it's the only real yelling match I've been involved with. It was over the phone. But Matt O'Kine was one of those guys.

If they had said, okay, we want somebody who's also obviously funny but someone who can talk and become our sports reporter or become our guy in the field, then Matt would have probably been the guy. Who's the guy that won it? Is he still around? No idea. He took his $50,000 and he went to Mexico. Moved out of Chadwick's house.

And that's the one disappointing thing about it, to be honest. If he had gone on to become something or someone in the comedy industry and gave a bit back. You could ring that program director back up and say I told you so. I completely forget his name. I have no idea who he is. that program director back up and say I told you so. I completely forget his name. I don't know. Here he is. It just gave him

an unrealistic sense of what stand-up comedy would be like in the future to be honest. So he got the absolute best at 50 grand. That's crazy. Basso's never earned

that much in his career. Funny. Says the guy wearing the Channel 10 hat. Picking up free clothes wherever you can It wouldn't be the first time though Sharks Barrett was also in that as well Right

It's not the first time that the radio station's Accidentally given away money to the wrong person I've got to I love this story so much But remember when those cash machines became a fad Where you blow the money around You have to grab all you could. Yeah, totally.

There was the, for Today FM in Sydney, there was the Today FM Tornado. I think it's, were you on the station? The Today FM Tornado, it might have been, yeah, I think it was like 2004 or something. Anyway, the Today FM Tornado was driving around and it would stop and then people would get in the cash machine and the idea for these machines is the air's blowing so hard in your face

and you can't really see it and so people are trying to grab the money. She's in there for a time with this lady and the air just stopped and all these $100 notes are just slapped against the sides and stuck there.100 notes are just slapped against the sides

and stuck there. And she started just grabbing them and she had a good method and they were hoping to run this contest for weeks. Day two, shut it down. This lady made her way with thousands. Wow. And they had to pull the whole competition. Oh, wow.

Because any time you do a competition, there's really strict terms and conditions I think Akmal gave away on Nova In Sydney Gave away shit loads It might have been a million dollars Because he said He kind of joked

Whoever Ring up now And we'll give you a million dollars And like If you can answer this And somebody rang up and I answered it They fucking got to give him the million dollars Yeah

Like if you're someone who's like coming up with the secret sounds... ...like if you're making them and then it gets cracked within a day... ...are you getting in heaps of shit? Do you know what I mean? A stapler? What the fuck were you thinking? Well there was another competition in Perth. I can't remember whether it was radio or TV. But it was when you got a shovel, right,

and there were so many gold coins and you got to shovel your gold coins into a wheelbarrow and the amount of gold coins you shoveled into the wheelbarrow was what you were allowed to keep. I love those hugely visual tricks for radio as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the trick was that they'd give you – the shovel was essentially the kind of apparatus you'd use to get a pizza out of a pizza oven. It was so flat and impossible to hold any of these coins. The street team guy that's setting up this competition had forgotten the flat pan thing and just gone, oh, I'll go buy a shovel from

I'll go buy a shovel from Bunnings and has come back and this person's shuffling thousands of dollars in every time. But yeah, again, they had to give it away. I'd love them to bring that the cash tornado but do it with coins so people just get

like really badly injured, just like bruises all over their face to walk away with about 10 bucks all embedded in their head but it's like that i love how like you've got to humiliate yourself to get this stuff like your flat pan shovel and you're picking up coins and stuff it like reminds me of pretty humiliating well well it makes you look pretty stupid if you can't do it and all for coins and stuff. Like my mates used to get this homeless guy in Maribor to star jump for a free cigarette. It sounds about on the same level.

That might be what Austere pick up next. Well, Tommy Gleison told me and the D-Gen guys when they had their radio show on Triple M, they had this idea called the Golden Mile. And what they wanted to do was they'd worked out exactly how much money they would raise if people came down and donated, putting a coin alongside each other, a line of dollar coins that went for a mile. Amazing visual, you know, back to back to back dollar coins the whole way.

People just didn't really get into it, right? And they realised as well very quickly that back to back to back for a mile is going to take forever and that's a lot of coins. Yeah. And they had security the whole way. So then to make it appear all right, which they're probably paying, you know, 20 bucks an hour to guard around 30 coins. Anyway, they realised that they're not going to get anywhere near it

so they started spacing the coins out a metre apart, right, to try and at least reach the mile. So Tommy told me at one point the security guard literally guarding five bucks and it's spaced all the way down for the mile. But it comes back to these people that have these amazing ideas, like, yeah, that would look amazing If we get people to participate But you definitely need people to participate I love something when it's like not quite going right

And then the contingency plans start coming It's like at what point are you just going Just shut it down This isn't worth it Just admit that this has been a bust We're in the middle of one of those It happened last night on the radio Where we were like

Let's put on this hilarious horse race in the country And the idea we had was I'm sick sick of, you know, the Melbourne Cup just running with elite horses. You know, any horse can come. You know, it can be a Shetland, a donkey. Open my course racing. Exactly. But we'll get them to do a lap and see how fast they are and then do a staggered start.

So like the stall gift. Yeah. And two guys in a horse suit if you want and then – and we'll have them all run and they catch each other. And kind of like the Grand Prix where the, you know, the cars and then the race and then the V8 and then the Formula 1 car follows them. Yesterday on the show, this person's running up who knows horses more than we do and is just going, horses don't get along with each other.

Like that will freak them out entirely. They won't run. They'll probably trample on each other. They'll trample a crowd. Like the two guys in the suit are going to be fucked. They stand no chance. So we're like, oh, that's just one opinion. 13, 10, 60, call us.

Give us some positive news. Not a single person said it would work. But we have booked in the track We've booked in So this afternoon on the show I'm not sure when this goes up In six years time But we've overnight been going

Okay what do we do It's heaps more fun Diving into ideas and then trying to work them out later Yeah totally I'm sure you've heard of the celebrity sperm idea. Oh, yes. That was pitched to myself. Not my idea, no.

It was pitched to myself and Judith Lucy again back up at Today FM in Sydney. Do you know this one? Oh, I've heard. I reckon I can kind of work out bits of it just from the title. Judith spoke about it live in her show, her post-radio show, live show. So what it was, they decided we needed a bit of a noisemaker. Is that an industry term? That's an industry term, a noisemaker.

Shake things up a bit. And somebody, we were actually in the studio. It was after the post-show, some of our producers came in, and not the producers who necessarily look after day-to-day stuff, but more the program directors and stuff. Yep. And they had come up with an idea called Celebrity Sperm, which was, they said, okay, this is how it's going to work.

I remember Australian Idol was big at the time. He goes, so Guy Sebastian gives us some sperm. And we haven't worked out the mechanics or exactly how to do it, but a listener rings up and they basically can win Guy Sebastian's sperm, but they have to impregnate themselves with Guy Sebastian's sperm. I like the decade. Are you saying that somebody's going to have Guy Sebastian's child? Is that a radio contest?

I said, yeah, yeah, it's a noise maker. said yeah it's a noise maker remember it's a noise maker it certainly is I said you know Guy Sebastian's like he's religious or he's a normal person

he's a virgin at the time he was like he was a virgin yeah and they got they kind of created as if that was like

the one thing he doesn't have to be Guy Sebastian he can be like Shannon Noel when Shannon Noel's married what are you guys It's as if that was like the one thing holding – it doesn't have to be Guy Sebastian. It could be like Shannon Noel. Shannon Noel's married. What are you guys doing? Guy Sebastian becomes Virgin Mary because he's got a kid without having sex.

I love you, KB, at the start. I remember Australian Idol was big at the time. Like that makes it not weird. It was a different time, you know. We were all caught up in the mania. Everyone wanted Guy Sebastian's kid back then. They were genuinely shocked that we were like, we're not even considering it. We thought it was a joke.

We kind of thought, are there the mics on? Like, it occurred to me, we're in a studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there the mics? They're recording this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's going to be part, you know, they'll say, you can play this tomorrow.

But no, they weren't. I wish it had gone far enough to have the meeting where they pitched that to Guy and or Shannon. Just sit in a room and go, now, here's what we need you to do. Like, what's in it for them? Like, are they getting some big kickback or? Well, I mean, I suppose we'd pay Guy if I was there and I was the programmer.

I'd go, okay, we have to work out some money for Guy or Contra where we can... You will get unlimited ads for your upcoming tour. Angel's what brought us here to her. If you're not bringing out

a single at the time, we'll, if you've got a garage sale, we'll put an ad on for that. Today, FM own the kids so as soon as he's able not to get his license,

he's driving the Black Funders. Yeah, yeah. Then we work it up through the ranks. We get him doing some late night shifts. Then eventually he's doing breakfast. It was probably all because they were pissed off that they didn't get a new talent through your comedy competition. We'll make our own. You owe us.

What's crazy, Pete, is like if that was pitched to Kyle and Jack at the time, like that wouldn't have been the same filter. And I'm not having a go at Kyle and Jack Yo, but I'm just saying for their type of show, that was exactly the type of thing that they'll be up there. To be absolutely honest, it probably sums up the reason why Jude and myself didn't quite work with that station at that time. They really wanted us to do some pretty shocking stuff.

That was certainly the most shocking of it. And Kyle and Jack were just like, yep, we'll do it. Having said that, we are happy to give out our sperm on the show. I was just thinking that. I would absolutely do it. If Dilruk Jai Singer wants to send in a little cup, we can auction it off to a listener. None of yours guys swim fast enough to actually impregnate a woman.

That's the problem. Yeah, win-win. All right, good. Oh, man. Yeah, win-win. All right, good. Oh, man. Yeah, we should actually... Let's try and think up a... Let's get a noisemaker going. Yeah, I want to do a dumb competition.

We don't really have much funds to give away, but that's part of it. Yeah, we've got sperm. We've got... I had a penis operation. Oh, cool. And so I had to... I went so I had to I went and I've frozen my sperm

before the operation was this an austere stunt as well yeah we did we actually when I was with Mep actually

we had Mip Warhurst at Chaplain we did a thing where our newsreader Huey had a live vasectomy really

whilst he read read the news wow there's so much genital-based stuff going on on radio when people have kids in the car. You know what's funny about it? It barely – it didn't make any noise. It's like this poor guy, you know, we made –

do a vasectomy and he was a great guy. Did this double up as the secret sound? You've got to get the most out of it. So did you guys go into, was it across to a hospital or was it basically down in the studio? No, it was across to a hospital or some kind of clinic and he read the news and he read it. There's a little bit of...

What were the headlines that day? Do you remember? No, I don't actually. I should have got the weatherman to do it from the chopper. But no. Yeah, I think that's it. The point I was going to say is I had to give sperm and – Yes, that's what we're talking about.

What were we talking about? Andy's dick. They had to give sperm and – Yes, that's what I was talking about. I was like, what were you talking about? Andy's dick. And you can – they prefer you to go and do it in the sperm donation place, which is the worst place to wank. I'm not sure if you guys have gone there.

I'm going to give you a few options. McDonald's change room. The thing is, though, it's like you walk into a room, line of floor, there's no carpet or anything. It's wise decision to be on. Good. I thought about it. A pleather couch.

There was a TV with VHS tapes, right? So it was VHS tapes. And this is only, you know, what, eight years ago. This actually sounds like the room they put you up in if you go and do stand-up in Brisbane. A couple of dirty VHS tapes, a lot of wanking going on. But you walk into this room and all you're thinking is so many guys have sat on that couch. I've done it too and it's real weird. Did you have the thing so many guys have sat on that couch.

I've done it too and it's real weird. Did you have the thing so you turn the TV on? Because when I did it, it was a DVD. Right. And it just comes on at the point where the person before you has checked in. Yeah, exactly. You're finished. A lot of insight into a person that you're never going to meet.

Very weird. There's a lot of VHS fuzz over the better scenes. They've been watched so often. I was going to say, what if they just gave you basic instincts and you couldn't get off at all because that one scene, you couldn't watch. There's too much fuzz over it. They now allow you, if you live within a certain kilometre radius

of the donation, you can do it at home and bring it in. And they encourage you to… Bring your sperm to work day. They encourage you though to stick it under your armpit on your way in. Drive at the same time. Hang on, in a bottle? Stick it under your armpit in a bottle

and drive it in. And one of my friends was doing that and got pulled over by the police for a random breath test. And he was quite fidgety because you have to get it in a certain amount of time. It's just like speed. Yeah. And so the police officer said, excuse me, sir, just a random breath test.

He's like, yeah, if we can be quick, that would be great. He's like, why? Well, I've got my cum under my arm. Got the old wank pic going on in here. If we go below 50, this sperm is going to explode. I did a thing a few years ago. I had to have like a kidney test thing and they give you this huge bottle

that every time you take a piss, you have to piss into this one bottle. And then I had to take it into this clinic and my car was being serviced at the time. So I had to get the tram with this like giant three litre bottle. And the tram's like stopping really, just sloshing everywhere. You actually look like the most normal person on that tram, but still.

And then, yeah, I got a ticket inspector got on. He's like, what's that? I'm like, man, could we just please just get this over with? This is real bad. I once took a shit on the tram once. There's no medical reason. Just trying to fit bad. I once took a shit on the tram once. There's no medical reason. Just trying to fit in. I was bored and I just wanted

to liven things up a bit. Suck it under your armpit and went into the shit clinic. We're talking about all these product placement and competitions and stuff. We've recently, we've never really had sponsorship or anything like that before. To be honest, no one's ever, well to be honest,

no one's ever come to us and gone, we like the sound of all of your wank and shit to talk on your show. Yeah. That's a brand I want to be a line.

Yeah, yeah. I'm the president of UNICEF. If we could get a mention. No, there's not been none of that. So I've actually, I'm a little bit obsessed and by a little bit

I mean a lot bit obsessed with Chocolate Mousse. And this has come up repeatedly on the show. The dessert Chocolate Moose or the character from Top Secret? Oh, yes. No, not him. Not him. No, but I do remember him fondly.

Chocolate Moose, yes. And when he glugged kerosene in a scene. I remember that. Great movie, Top Secret. Yeah. Warner Brothers, if you can slip us $10. No, Chocolate Moose, the dessert, the popular dessert. Do you guys promote a film that was made 30 years ago? movie, Top Secret. Warner Brothers, if you can slip us ten bucks. No, Chocolate Mousse, the dessert, the popular dessert. Do you guys promote a film that was made 30 years ago?

It's a re-release, surely soon. Digitally enhanced. Balcombe, I can tour. So, Chocolate Mousse, I've mentioned that a lot on the show. I got frustrated. I thought, someone surely should be sponsoring us for all the shares we give Chocolate Moose in general.

So I hit up Yellow Moose Company. They agreed to sponsor us. I'll make this very clear. They didn't listen to the show first, which is why they are sponsoring us. A blessing in disguise. Exactly, which is why we do actually have the sponsorship. Oh, they are on board. They are on board.

Great. Well, congratulations. Officially, as of last episode. What's the name of the movie? Yellow Chocolate Moose. Yellow Desserts. But we should say,ially, as of last episode. What's the name of the... Yalla Chocolate Mousse. Yalla Desserts. But we should say, Yalla, and, you know, they're chipping in, so we should make it clear. They don't just make mousse.

Like, their mousse is fantastic, but they make dips. They make all sorts of stuff. I don't think they gave us enough money for us to mention that. We can talk about the dips later in the future. They may or may not make dips. Yeah, you can dip stuff in the chocolate mousse. I think that's as far as I can go fair enough

look I'll send this bit to the hummus division and see what we can get yeah exactly see if we can get a little bit of corn out of there so we have

as of last episode we did talk about that a lot and because you know it is integrated into the show because I actually

it's a genuine love of mine there's been a lot of feedback this week on social media on and of the greatest social media of all, my phone number is out there on the internet,

so people just text me to say, people are texting me mid-dessert going, yeah, good call, Chando. This is not bad. Getting a lot of picture text messages, a lot of selfies with moose involved, which has been appreciated. Great.

Literally at one in the morning when my girlfriend rolls over and goes, who's waking us up? It's a listener with a picture of a moose. Oh, yeah, I'll just go back to sleep that sounds normal it's a shame that

your phone doesn't have some kind of silent function that you could turn on well anyway so anyway there's a lot of action going on for yellow moose so

it's a very good decision for yellow I think I mean apart from that I've bought three tubs of it myself this week with all the mention I just keep going oh

yeah I should go and get some despite the fact that they've offered us free moose but it's like three suburbs away so I'm not going to drive I should go and get some. Despite the fact that they've offered us free moose but it's like three suburbs away so I'm not going to drive that.

So do guests get free moose to take home or anything like that? And a bataki ham or something? Yeah this is the new wide world of sports.

By the way that moose that's free moose that's three suburbs away I know someone who can give us a lift if you want.

Oh yes! Lovely. Road trip. So someone texted me last night. How come your phone number's on the out? Long story. Not that long. Tommy Daslow, early on when we didn't have as many.

Tommy put it on the internet. Well, we didn't have as many listeners back when, and I did this silly thing where I thought this would be a funny little, I thought this would be a noisemaker. I said, I just put a poster up in the city in Melbourne saying, hey, if you've got anything you think we should talk about on a podcast of ours, ring or text me, Tommy, and then put the phone number. And literally I put up six posters in the city and thought this would be funny,

didn't mention anything. We get to a recording of an episode. Obviously we don't have enough talk to talk about. I'm getting text through the week just saying beekeeping. I'm like, what? Just from random numbers. Obviously, we don't have enough talk to talk about. I'm getting texts during the week just saying beekeeping. I'm like, what? Just from random numbers. Yeah, yeah. So he gets about two or three texts, someone ringing up going,

oh, okay, yeah, maybe you could talk about this gig I'm putting on in Fitzroy or something. Oh, yeah, that's funny. He brings up on the show. I laugh and go, sorry, Tommy, I've stitched you up. He goes, you're the worst bloke ever. Hey, everyone, 0438, da-da-da-da. Tears your number. Tears my number out. We think this will be funny. I will get one or two texts. Hey, everyone. 0438. Says your number.

Says my number out. We think this will be funny. I will get one or two texts. Now, that was a noisemaker. Yes. It was a very big noisemaker. So I'm still getting the three years on, three and a half years on. I'm getting more than – we sort of thought, oh, this will last a week.

It's just got bigger and bigger. I just get relentless messages, phone numbers. Hamish did a similar thing to me where – so Hamish always used to joke about giving out my number on the radio show. And he goes, yes, Andy's number is 0402. And then I'd go, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And he'd given out the first five digits, right, in I think August 2008. In 2014, he went for the same joke but gave out the last.

Oh. The last digits, right? And we didn't think anything of it. He said, oh, Andy's number ends in. And then I got a text about three days later that said, I've worked it out. And I was like, what? And someone had remembered and gone back through all the podcasts five years prior

and got the front half and gone to the back half. And that's the sort of person you want with your phone number too. Oh, man. Yeah, so I got a text message last night. So there's a lot of people taking pictures of themselves with chocolate mousse, with the yellow mousse and themselves going shopping, chucking it in the basket, putting it in their trolley. The whole process.

Yeah, yeah. The whole how-to chocolate mousse. Yeah. So last night I get a picture of, you know, a supermarket shelf with the mousse up there and they just sent it to me like with no caption. And I look at it and go, oh, yeah, cool. They found mousse in there. Hang on.

That's my supermarket. And they've figured out where i live figured out my supermarket where i buy the moose and then gone and taken a picture of it there and i'm like that's actually the spookiest message i've ever got on text like this is where you shop for your moose i know i know deliberately gone out because you've said there's a lot of people that live around that area who yell at you and abuse you. Yes, exactly. So it could just be someone who lives there anyway. Could be Andy. Yeah, could be.

Just driving around, had some time to kill. Or at least drop them off. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so. The subject of endorsement and stuff and product placement is interesting with Andy, actually. Because I've got to say, when I was doing radio, they would come to us and say,

and I'm interested to see how you come up with I was doing radio they would come to us and say I'm interested to see how you come up with your stunts because they would come to us and say listen Cole's having some new such jobs coming out we need to do a promotional mechanic and we would be like oh

but we just want to tell jokes and oh we don't want to this is not why we do radio and I've got to say I think that part of the success of Hamish and Andy

is that they've actually gone no let's actually embrace this as a notion and actually make it part of the show success of Hamish and Andy is that they've actually gone, no, let's actually embrace this as a notion and actually make it part of the show and be enthusiastic about it.

Which also means you keep sponsors, but you've actually come up with these incredible things where, I mean, the gravy, the chip and all that stuff is probably a great example. So what is the process? That was a reverse sponsor. Right.

We started talking about that and we're like, and just it came up and then the client went out and went to Smiths and go, hey, they're talking about a lot. Can you give us some money? Now, Smiths were nice enough to go, yeah, okay. Smiths could have gone, bugger off. To make it clear for people who haven't heard about this is that you invented the gravy flavoured chip.

Yeah. And then Smiths actually turned it into a product off the back of you guys. And then there's a lot of what's funny about those situations is suddenly something that's really, and it was so much fun the whole time. It came up when I asked Haim, what do you think came first, light and tangy, the flavour or the name? Do you think the boffins are going light and tangy, go and create it? Or they're eating it and going, it's light but it's also tangy.

The same way they invented salt and vinegar. And someone rang in and said, yeah, we can create any flavour and that's how that kind of journey started. But, yeah, it's funny you say that Pete because... Just tiny ideas. Chocolate mousse, chips, Smiths if you're listening. We, I didn't like how other radio

shows sounded where they're going along at their normal pace and then suddenly... They give away free sperm. But suddenly there's a quiz thanks to Masua Sandals just and that's normally what was the situation and particularly kind of the shows just before you you guys i reckon like the ones like the tracy and matt's of the world those it was very obvious that okay here's our sponsor

bit and it would have been our show as well to be honest like because we occasionally ones where we got excited about but often it was like this is obviously the bit that we need to kind of yeah and it was i didn't like how those sounded so um we decided back in the day that let's they come to us with the client and then we'll spend a long fucking time working out something you're excited about now while that is annoying and we've got better at it because we now don't even do it on show days. If you've got a show day, you want to plan a show, you're going to be excited about that and you're like,

oh, this is, you know, Coles have come up. All right, let's find an old guy called Cole and... Write that down. Write that down. And heaps of guys called Cole and who's our best Cole of the Coles? And it was like, yeah, that's good enough. And then it comes back in a month's time and you're like, oh, fuck, we're doing the coals?

We're doing the Colin thing, which is really distressing. So we will sit down and try and find things that we are excited about for that client or that brand. And then over time, your head now goes, okay, I've got a great idea that could fit any brand or fit this around. I'll hold on to that. So when they come through, you're actually doing an idea that you really wanted to do.

So that's how we started doing it. And, yeah, look, I kind of agree with you that it's probably been an advantage for us because we keep the radio station very happy. Yeah. They obviously make

a lot of money but it also keeps our listeners happy and it keeps us very happy because we get to do stuff we want to do. So you've got these ideas in your pocket

so it's like, you know, you've now got an ad for shoe horns and it's like, great, let's go to Hawaii with shoe horns.

Okay, alright. But you can tell you guys are excited and invested in it and it's like great let's go to Hawaii with shoe horns okay alright but you can tell you guys are excited and invested in it and it's not just a segment it's not like

coming up we've got this thing about masseuse sandals it's like no this is a narrative that goes over an entire show or entire weeks

sometimes so that's really good so that's what we've got to do for Yella yeah yeah we've got it

we've got a first little grown up I reckon the first thing for my commercial got to do for Yella. Yeah, yeah, we've got it. We've got a first little grown-up sponsorship. I reckon, I mean, the first thing for my commercial radio brain comes with Yella is just those old westerns where, and particularly Back to Future 3, where he goes, you're Yella, as in you're a coward. Yeah, right. Coward moose.

Who can do the bravest thing with Yella? Yeah. Face jump with Yella. Yeah. Base jump with Yella. Exactly. While hitting it. There you go. Another great visual to do with the audio podcast. Swimming with sharks covered in Yella.

Don't see why not. Can't see any problems there. Should we talk about this a little bit? Because we've been talking about talent shows and competitions and stuff like that. Do we want to bring up this? Now this is a thing, I believe this is happening next week isn't it? Yes. Now we've come up with a thing on this show a few weeks ago

where this man over here, Carl Chandler, is helping to scout contestants for a TV show called Australia's Got Talent. Oh hey, is that the name? I didn't think we gave it up. Alright, sure. We did. Oh, okay. No, he's scouting contestants for a show called A Place Like Home.

A great game show. So Australia's got talent and what channel's that on? Channel 7. Is it not? Oh, he's wearing a Channel 10 hat. You have not learned a thing from Andy Lee today. Oh, let's base jump. So, no, full disclosure, they came to me and said,

you know a lot of comics in Melbourne. We've heard your name involved running comedy rooms and stuff like that. You'll know those sort of people. So I said, sure. Would you do it? Well, this is a good question. This is a very good question. This comes into a thing two years ago where the same sort of thing happened.

They got me to audition. I actually went there. It was possibly the most horrific moment of my life. Yeah, right. It was so bad that when they rang a couple of weeks ago and said – they left a message saying, hey, it's allegedly Australia's Got Talent. I went, I'm in trouble here. I'm in big trouble for something I may have said about them or done.

Oh, okay. Something you may have said about them on stage for 24 nights in a row at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival? Something to do with that. Allegedly I did a show called Carl Chandler's Got Talent. It may or may not have been about that. Who knows? Maybe I was just saying I've got talent.

Who knows? So I may have said a lot of bad things about the process of all that sort of stuff happening because I just had a wretched time. Having said that, long story short, I went on stage after midnight to a bunch of people, you know, a crowd that had been there for eight hours that had just seen someone pull firecrackers

out of their ass and then I come on and go, hey, what's up with curtains, everyone? Boo! And a West Indian guy got up before him. He's cracking 11 dick jokes can't believe Andy didn't let me through but anyway

so obviously there's different people in charge who did not know anything about any of that happening so then I am helping the show along

I'm picking a lot of people that would be appropriate for the show we've had the own idea on the show where we I said, look, I think Tommy should be part of it. I think Tommy should be part of it.

But then Dave O'Neill gave us the advice that years and years ago he went on Star Search or something like that, New Faces, an old school show where he was a character. He played a bogan. He went in there and talked about settling and stuff like that. Played himself? Yeah, yeah. Massive stretch.

So Dave McNeill, I believe he was. So we said, you know, Tommy needs something like that. I said maybe like a giant baby. Then we came up with a genius idea of combining the two for the sweetest of combos, Baby Bogan. And this is an attempt to sort of really go for the kind of stuff that they'll put through on that show. You know, like quick jokes, bit of a novelty angle, bit of a visual to it, bit of a character.

Yeah. So we've road tested this. Okay, good. We did a live show for this podcast, what was it, like a month ago now? Yeah. And the Bogan baby made his debut performance. We're still finding out whether he's called Bogan baby or baby Bogan. Yeah.

I think we both have different preferences for what rolls off the tongue a little better. We've just got whole different backstories of baby Bogan. Which was he first, a Bogan or a baby? So the version that I did at the gig was a little bit more blue than what I think Channel 7 will put through. Totally. Repeated use of the C-bomb. Okay. Lots of drug references.

And also you've said Channel 7 when it's actually on Channel 9, so that's probably not going to work. Butomb. Okay. Lots of drug references. And also, you've said Channel 7 when it's actually on Channel 9, so that's probably not going to work, but yeah. Okay, yeah. Again, just more of you giving away them.

I thought we were trying to be, anyway, whatever. I think it was given away when we said the name of their show, Tommy, to be fair. Yeah, fair enough.

I'm trying to find a photo for you guys of the baby Bogan doing his first live performance. Yep. So there he is. I've really committed.

Wow. Wow. Wow. To describe this for everyone, and they may have seen it, but yeah, it's a nappy. It's tight at the front. You've never managed a camel toe. Exactly.

In a nappy. That's impressive. A lot of hair for a baby. Yes. I thought... He's a well-fed baby as well. Yeah, red hair it seems. But yeah, and then there's a little bit of baby fat.

A fat baby's a healthy baby. Yeah, yeah, sure. Exactly, exactly. Wearing nothing but a nappy and a wig. Yeah, yeah. So that was an interesting day where before the gig, I then had the task of going into Big W and just buying some adult diapers for myself

which is not... Came at least 10 years earlier than you thought it would. 8 to 10. Just that thing of like standing in line and going I bet this is what I bump into someone I know. I just there... because I also bought... I had a tin of VB with a little bottle thing on

it. So I'm buying the adult diapers and the little bottle thing. I was wondering whether you put something else in there. Yeah. Because obviously you could have disguised it a lot more if you did a whole supermarket shop. Yeah. The same way as like when you were kind of 16, 17

and you went to buy condoms for the first time. You'd never just buy just condoms. Oh, absolutely. You had to add a lot of other things. No, you'd buy adult nappies as well. I mean, thank Christ for self-serve checkout is all I'll say. Oh, yes. Oh, absolutely. You have to add a lot of other things. No, you buy adult nappies as well. I mean, thank Christ for self-serve checkout is all I'll say. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

Kids have it too easy. Well, that's what I was thinking the other day with regards to – Oh, you kids. You got it easy. Back when I was a kid, I was getting price checked every time I bought a condom. But I was thinking that about condoms the other day when I was going through the self-serve checkout. I was like, this is such a better

scenario for kids or for any for young adults like it was so nerve-wracking for some reason to go up with condoms

and now that you can just go through undetected shoplifting buy hundreds of them thousands of them I was there with the kind of because it's a big

it's a big box like it's you have to buy them in like packs of 10. So they're like a big – so I've got them sort of under my – I'm trying to conceal them, waiting in line for the self-serve checkout. And a bunch of them were broken and this woman comes over and goes, oh, if it's quicker, do you want to just go over here to an actual purse? I'm like, nah, I like waiting. I'll just stand here.

That's fine. I'm fine with that. So, yeah. But now I've still got them. Yeah, that's the thing. You've still got like a whole packet of adult diapers. Yeah, just in my room. Just sitting in my bedroom.

Yeah, which is good for your little Tinder dates to come over and check. There's always a little bit of shuffling. The funny thing is when we were on our way to do the gig, you were shopping for these items and i was driving in with my girlfriend on the way to the gig and you were texting me sort of asking for advice and stuff like that and you texted me a picture of the wig that you were going to buy yeah just a picture of the wig and you said uh what do you think is this good and you know i'm driving so my girlfriend actually checks the text and sees that and goes and literally says to me,

wow, like I know Tommy's balding but I reckon he could do better than that. It's a massive red mullet wig. And also like no one will suspect a thing if I just all of a sudden have like shoulder-length hair. Nah, I've gotten away with this one. So, yeah, we're a week because it's in like a week, isn't it, that I'm doing this audition for the head honchos of Australia's Got Talent? Yeah, look, I think we've got a week to salvage that.

I don't know. Just lose a few C-bombs, you know? I don't think we've got any jokes without the C-bombs, to be fair. Yeah, there's a lot of references to breastfeeding that are done in a very blue way. I think they were our cleanest jokes, to be fair. What are we going to do? I don't know.

I think we've got a lot of work to make this in any way salvageable for the general public. What do you guys think? Any advice? My friend at high school, and I know this is left field thinking, but could suck fart. He could suck in farts. From somebody's arse or just his own? No, his own.

Yeah, okay. A siphon of farts. I think that was the movie. The human centipede. Was that a movie on in the sperm clinic? No, no. He can, yeah, just by using his colon diaphragm, he could suck in air and then expel farts.

Expel it back. Yeah. Right. I feel that could salvage your whole routine. If he could, you know, obviously he could, you know, a 48-hour tutorial, if you can get that going, a farting baby. Sure. Yeah.

Okay. That sits with the character. Yeah. Obviously you've got to learn a whole new skill. Yeah. There's a lot of anal dexterity that I've got to learn how to put into practice. If you could learn to shit your pants on stage. So if an odour emits from your nappy and makes its way

across Danny Minogue or James Blunt or whoever, I mean, that's money in the bank. Yeah, okay. Okay, these are all good. And again, perfect for television. Perfect for television. Perfect for television. I like how we've gone, look, the material and the jokes

that we had are a little blue. Guys, any advice on how to clean them up? And you've just immediately gone, just fart and shit yourself. Write your own fucking material, Dazzler. But to be fair, they are both cleaner than our ideas. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, to wrap this up maybe, we do have live shows coming up. So we've got that coming up in a week. We do have live shows that we've talked about coming up. We're coming to Perth, Melbourne. No, we've got that coming up in a week. We do have live shows that we've talked about coming up. We're coming to Perth, Melbourne. No, we're not doing Melbourne for a little while. We're doing Perth, Adelaide and Sydney.

So what are the dates on those? Adelaide. No, Perth is October the 18th. So we're not very long to go before we go there. Adelaide, November the 17th. And we've talked a lot about Adelaide because every other city is selling really well except for Adelaide. We did talk a lot about how people aren't buying tickets in Adelaide. We may have made a lot of personal insults towards Adelaide that we may or may not have meant last week.

But it has paid off. We talked about it for half an hour last week. And Tommy, we did make some sales this week in Adelaide. Yeah, we've sold two tickets. Oh, it's worked. Money in the bank. There you go. So the farewell tour of Adelaide.

Never again. Never again will the little dum-dum Club be bothering to go to Adelaide. And Sydney, of course, on November the 22nd. Guys, that's about all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week. Peter Hellyer, Andy Lee, thank you so much for joining us. Pleasure, guys. Thanks, guys. Peter Hellyer can be seen on the project four nights a week. Four nights a week.

So I'm doing a one-off, one-hour show at the Comedy Store in December. It's the only one-hour show I'm doing this year. Heaps of listeners in Sydney, so get along to that. Get along to that. And also, if you're in Melbourne, I've organised a benefit for anaphylaxis on Wednesday, November the 18th at the Athenaeum. And the bill is myself, Dave Hughes,

Joel Creasy, Nazeem Hussain, Cillia Paquola, Dave Thornton, Arj Barker, Anne Edmonds, Adam Rosenbarks. I think that's almost everyone. Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan.

We'll see. I want to see Baby Bogan on audition tape. But yes, maybe follow me on social media at PJHellier on Twitter for details. Yeah, great. Andy? Don't worry about me. Okay.

He's doing all right. Andy's doing all right. Cheers. Well, guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.