The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 262 - Nazeem Hussain & David Quirk

Episode Date: October 14, 2015

Dave's Garage, Unused Artwork and Tommy's Hands.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Mark Maron's Marination Tour, which starts this very weekend. Carl, where can people catch Maron? I literally just got the joke, marination. I get it now. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

That's very good. If the title's that good, imagine what the actual gig is going to be like. So, guys, if you're listening to these episodes straight away in the year of our Lord, 2015, if you're living in Sydney, you can go and see him on Thursdayursday night thursday october the 15th at the state theater in sydney the next night if you're in our little hometown the hometown of little dum-dum club uh melbourne melbourne australia he did all that hype and then it sounded like you forgot what the name of the town actually was it's not really my hometown like he's not playing mirabar oh true wait isn't he no he's not you sure you have confirmation of that uh i think tickets were slow, so they cancelled it.

Right, okay. Melbourne, Palais Theatre, Friday, October 16th. And then the next night he's jetting off to sunny Brisbane on Saturday the 17th of October at the City Hall. And you know what they say, Tommy? You can't beat City Hall. Do they say that? Yeah.

Who said that? Someone said it in a movie. Okay. And also great support acts that have been announced. All friends of the show, Michael Hing, Anne Edmonds and Mel Buttle, all from different states. So worth going, you know, go see some friends of the show. And Mark Maron as well.

It's going to be awesome. This is your last chance. Hop on it right now. Tickets through Miss Belt Youth, Ticketmaster and all that stuff. Google Mark Maron marination tour. Yeah. We've also got our own live shows coming up. We've got Perth this very Sunday, October the 18th,

at the Velvet Lounge with Josh Earle, Xavier Michaelides, Dilruk Jaisingha. The Big Wayne is happening. Last year at Perth we had such a great time. If you've held out, this is your last. You've got to jump on it. You've got to jump on these things, man. And you know what?

You're not going to be alone. It's not like you're in Adelaide. Like, there's a good crowd coming to Perth. Yeah, it's going to be so much fun. It's an early afternoon gig and Adelaide. There's a good crowd coming. It's going to be so much fun. It's an early afternoon gig and then we're just going to hang out afterwards. Then, coming up after that, November the 17th, you've

got what is basically going to be it's sort of going to be the gold class cinema of live podcasting. It's going to be a nice little bit of alone time. It's going to be very roomy. Bring an Ottoman from home or a poof, if that's what you call it, if you're of a different generation. Put your feet up.

You know, just spread yourself out. Spread out. Bring an easel. Maybe we'll do a live drawing class. There'll be room for everyone in the audience to have their own easel and, you know, paintbrushes and stuff. Yep, yep. Stretch.

Maybe do a bit of yoga. Do a bit of Pilates in there. Bring a mat in. Bring some equipment. It's going to be great. And we've got a special guest there. Who have we got? We've got Nick Cody.

Cody's out and about jet setting, so it's a rare appearance that we can actually nab him. So Adelaide, rare time to see our little mate, Nick Cody, who's blowing up all around the world. And then we've got... Xavier Michaelides. Yes. Returning.

Yeah. And then we have after that Sydney on November the 22nd at the Roxbury Hotel. That's selling very, very well. Yes. So jump on that. And then we've just announced this this week, Melbourne, big end of year live show, December the 5th at the European Beer Cafe. Christ, that's going to be fun.

Yeah. Our big end of year shows are always super fun. There's already been suggestions that we should get Dilruk Jaisingha to dress up as Sri Lanka claws, which I quite like a lot. Quick shout out to, again, another great sponsor of ours, Yellow Mousse, Yellow Chocolate Mousse. So get stuck into that. Heaps of people have been sending us pictures of them enjoying the finest confectionery in the land. Available from finer retailers everywhere, including Peter Monty's in North Fitzroy,

my local supermarket. Oh. And? And whatever the one is that's up the road from me in Riversdale Road. The Renaissance or something. Renaissance Supermarket, the corner of Riversdale and Glenferry Road, Hawthorne.

Yep. So go check it out. And hey, maybe you'll see us poking around the aisles. Yeah, wow. Star spotting. Yeah. And then, you know, we've got T-shirts for sale as well, of course.

Yeah, the I'm Aware t-shirts Very popular with people so far Racing off the shelves We'll have them at the live shows If you're coming to a live show Maybe send us a message Over Facebook or email Let us know what size

You'd like us to bring All of the tickets And all that other stuff Can be found at our website LittleDumbDumbClub.com Enjoy today's episode With David Quirk And Nazeem Hussain

And we'll see you out there See you in like A couple seconds with David Quirk and Nazeem Hussain, and we'll see you out there. See you in like a couple of seconds. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. What have we got for today, Carl? What's going on in life? Good luck. Good luck today. Happy podcasting today, Tommy. I hope you have a really good episode. Yeah, me too.

Me too. Good luck to you. All the best. What have you got? What's been going on in your life? You went out for a nice dinner last night. I saw some photos of that on Facebook. Yeah, yeah.

I went out for a nice little intimate dinner with a friend of the show, Dil Rook Jaisingh, a friend of the show, Milan from Punchline. And we should say one week until the big weigh-in. Well, not even a week. A few scant days until the big weigh-in in turn. One episode, if you're listening at home. One episode until you get to hear us put a man on a scale. Well, yeah.

So are you going out for a steak dinner with him last night? Is this just you trying to, you know, build the – No, it was actually his shout, so I wasn't trying to mess anything up. Oh. Yeah, he paid for my dinner last night. Do you reckon he's going to blow it out? Because we should say he's gone over his original target weight. Like he's busted it open. At the moment, so what we did –

But he's gotten cocky. Eleven weeks ago, if you're a first-time listener, Dilrub Jaisingh has – you know, he's morbidly obese. That's the problem. He's going to die unless he changes his ways. So he decided to use you guys, the listeners, to make sure that he loses weight by putting his, you know, he's taking a picture of his scales every week by setting himself the challenge of, you know, next week, in 11 weeks' time, being under a certain weight, or we put him on a

treadmill, we put him on an exercise bike, there is some form of punishment in Perth at our live show. Yes. So, he's one week out. He has already made his target goal, but the challenge is still on, obviously, because last night we were eating. Yes. Last night.

He's gone cocky. We went for a steak dinner, and then he bought a big entree and then the rest of us went, we don't want any of that entree. So he ate two meals. Two big steak meals by himself. Oh, I can't wait to see what pans out on this weigh-in day. Yeah. It's going to be good.

It's good because, like you said, he's already got to the weight that he should be. But now who knows? Who knows? If he's going to carry on like that. Yeah. We need got to the weight that he should be. But now who knows? Who knows? If he's going to carry on like that. Yeah. We need to just sneak fat into all his meals. I don't think we have to sneak anything.

Hiding in plain sight. Today on the show, two guests. First of all, just returning from a bit of an overseas jaunt. You know him from ABC's Problems. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, David Quirk. Yes. It's been a long time. It has been a while.

Welcome home. Thanks, Carl and Tommy. Tome, good to see you. Yeah, it's been a long time. It has been a while. Welcome home. Thanks, Carl and Tommy. Tome, good to see you. Yeah, it's good to see you, man. Genuinely good to see you. I haven't seen you in the flesh until right now. Exactly. And I was just saying how much I love the Melbourne weather.

It's good to be back. I just was away for three months. I can't remember what happened. God, I've missed this. So I wanted to... What do you mean you love Melbourne weather? Because it's nice outside. But you've been in LA where it's no trust me it's something crisp and good about this yeah it was too hot in la okay and i've come back i want to be nice this is apparently

those sort of problems you know i was almost late getting here because since being back i um moved i didn't plan what i was doing when i came back three months i don't know if you've ever done that not planned what you're doing and so i I moved into, I rented my room out. There's a girl living in there, a girl I barely know. And I was like, I'm not going to kick her out. And here's where it gets sad. My garage has carpet in it. And so that is how I've justified putting my bed in there.

And I'm living in the garage. Yeah, I like it. It looks like a movie set. One half, like where the roller door is at the end is just stuff. The other end,

if you turn around, looks like a movie set because it's just there's a bed and a set of drawers and a lamp. Wow. Three nights in a row

I've had the best sleeps. True story. But here's the funny thing. Yeah, that's because those fucking petrol fumes are just knocking you out. There's no car in there. I might go and see

your next comedy Festival show. David Quirk pretending I'm a car. Why carpet matters. No, but here's what's weird. Can we just introduce our other guest? Because I want to hear

his hot take on this. I want to hear, I think he's got some opinions brewing up. You know I'm from Legally Brown on SBS. Please welcome back into the little

Dumb Dumb Club, Nazeem Hussain. Hey, Nazeem. I don't live in the garage. You don't? I've got no perspective on this. Why did you bring me in? Yeah, and worse.

We don't either, but let's stack on. Let's pile on. Let's stack. Okay, go for it. I have to say, I'm sorry I just launched into a goddamn story. Normally I hardly talk on these things. I'm sorry. Of course.

No, no, go for it. I'll leave. So how do you get in and out of your bedroom? What's your setup? Does the garage door open? No, it's nice. It's actually exactly like for it. I'll leave. No. So how do you get in and out of your bedroom? What's your setup? Does the garage door open? No, it's nice. It's actually... Is it exactly like the opening credits of The Simpsons? It's...

I don't come in that way. No, no. Is there a couch? No couch. So there's no car in the garage. You're just... That's just your little cubby house. As a matter of fact, the guy I lived with once said, before I moved in, he had to, for

various reasons, put the car in there. And I'm telling you, it's carpet, so it seems really strange to drive a car on. Even he said it's like, it feels so wrong. No, that's so that if the car is leaking oil,

it soaks it up into the carpet. Yeah, that's weird. That doesn't make any sense. That's like a carpeted toilet, you know, when you go in the carpet. Yeah, it's like, ugh. Even though it's nice, it's like, ugh. Yeah, that's weird. That doesn't make any sense. That's like a carpeted toilet. You know when you go in the carpet? Yeah, it's like, ugh. Even though it's nice, it's like, ugh. Yeah, my parents, the house they're in now, up until about a month ago had a carpeted toilet.

They've finally gotten rid of it. Maybe that can be the new room for Quirk. Go and sleep in the toilet. So that's Quirk's thing. If you put carpet in a room, I'll move there. As long as it's carpet. So you could be homeless. As long as you've got a bit of carpet in your swag,

you just whack it on the ground at night, I'm home. This is technically a bedroom. Imagine if that's how my brain actually works. Well, I don't think it's that far off. Yeah, it sounds like it actually is. I'm doing well. I brought my roll of carpet with me. What's the ventilation system in this garage?

Have you got a window? Not bad. Yeah, there's another. Look, I'm sorry I brought it up. What I wanted to tell you is where it gets even slightly stranger is. Oh, yeah, let's make this story strange from now on. Well, I'll tell you what I thought I was. Have you brought girls back to your garage?

Oh, good question. Oh, yes. Grease and lightning. No, I have not. I have not. I've not. Come back to my garage. My garage or yours. It does cross your mind.

Want to come back to my garage and see my stains? It does. Want me to come back and I'll plug your exhaust pipe? It has, because I'm telling you, one half of it looks like a normal bedroom. So it is interesting the thought of trying to bring someone back there and then just go, don't look that way, and just sort of face them towards, what's back there? Nothing.

There's just a heap of bikes and cupboards. Yeah, there's bikes in there. Cupboards. It's a garage. Right. Sorry. It's a garage. Was I not clear?

I'm not trying to joke. It's a garage. You're patronising face right now. It's a garage, Carl. There's a lot of old... It's a garage, Carl. There's a lot of old unused artwork that the guy's made. Unused artwork? Doesn't get looked at a lot. No one's using the artwork

at the moment. It's unhung. What did you call artwork that's sitting on the ground? It's lying dormant. A bed for David Quirk? Yeah, yeah. Unless the art was made out of carpet. It's a really shit artwork. Anyway, so this... Please, tell us where this story gets slightly strange.

Well, this morning, just this morning, and one of the reasons why I thought I was going to be quite late is because I... You woke up on the wrong side of the carpet. I woke up above it. Any day... I woke up and there was a jeep on my ribcage. You guys are too funny.

I thought this guy leaves the house at 8.30 every day. He fires his car up, which is just outside the garage door. Of course it's outside the garage. Yeah, yeah. Where else would you put your car? I like that everyone can see this in their minds. Like, yep, car's parked out the front of the garage. The garage door's closed.

Quirk is sleeping inside. Inside the garage, car's parked out in front of the garage, the garage door's closed, Quirk is sleeping inside. Inside the garage, just a metre away on the carpet. Yeah, yeah, basically. And so honestly, for two days in a row,

I've heard him like, fire, and I was like, this is sweet, I'm going to wake up at 8.30 every day. So I thought, just like the last two days,

I'll wake up at 8.30 and I woke up at 9.40 today for a 10am, we're supposed to be at 10am, and I woke up at 9.40 today for a 10 a.m. We're supposed to be here at 10 a.m. And I slept through my new alarm, which is a guy starting his car. Probably because the fumes are leaking into your bedroom. Yeah, once again. Seems like nearly –

I'm getting the best sleeps, I swear to God. Crazy dreams. There's a tunnel and there's light at the end. I'm getting the big sleep. We're not even doing a podcast right now. This is just a weird... This is heaven? Dum Dum Club in heaven.

So how long is this going to go on for, this garage situation? I don't know. It's actually fine. I shouldn't have made it public. It sounds pretty sweet. It sounds like you don't even need your old room back. I kind of don't, in all honesty. I quite like it.

If you go away, are you going to Airbnb your carpeted garage? No. I reckon you could... No, because there's nothing to celebrate. There's no posters on the wall. There's a lot of... Yeah. No, but that's very inner city, you know?

Exposed brick walls, carpeted garage. That's a very... Yeah, yeah. I could... Go for it. Get a good $20, $30 a week out of that. I could Airbnb. So do you think you're going to stay there for how long?

Is there an actual plan to get a grown-up bed like normal people? I suspect at this point I'll see out the summer here, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's a – I don't know how hot it's going to be. I think it'll bake. I reckon you're going to bake alive in there.

Yeah. I'll wait till – After the Dilruch wait thing, we you get a bake alive in there? Yeah. I'll wait till... After the Dillarook wait thing, we should have like an alive check on this guy. Week to week, we check in, is Carl dead yet? You could do one live from like my bedside, basically,

as I'm dying of heat. Well, we wouldn't want to intrude and come into your, you know... It's fine, man. Well, the other girl, I haven't told you, her fridge is in there, so I've had to give her permission to just come and use the fridge whenever she wants. Oh, really? Hang on, so this girl that lives in your

house now has to go out to the garage if she wants a Fanta. Who's the bigger loser, really? Why isn't there a kitchen? There is, but there's a pre-existing fridge. So she moved in. It's a mess. It's a goddamn mess. So she's not allowed

to use the communal fridge in the house. She is, but she doesn't. She must have made some mistakes with the communal fridge. Yeah, is that just, isn't that like... Three strikes. Having a fridge in the garage, that's your dad's beer fridge. Exactly, yeah. It should be, shouldn't it? Or the girl's fridge. But it's not, is it? Everything about this house just sounds like a

fucking mess. What's going on? Where's the toilet? Is it in the lounge? You have to shit directly into the TV. Is that what's happening? It's a weird system, isn't it? You've got the garden in the kitchen. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing. Well, a lot of things have happened since you've been in LA. What's happened? Well, this is how we all live now. This is the future. It actually isn't weird. Shit in the TV. Roller doors to keep it private.

It's sad. Today I just thought, yeah, if it does get hot, I'll just roll the roller door up like half a foot. What's going on there? Crack a roller door open. Yeah. The last time I came on here,

I talked about the length of that pool. Clearly I don't know what I'm doing in life, do I? No. Speaking of length, Tommy Little and I caught up the other day and we were talking about the length of that pool. Clearly I don't know what I'm doing in life, do I? No. Speaking of length, Tommy Little and I caught up the other day and we were talking about the size or the length of your hands and we had a longish conversation.

Of Tommy Daslow's hands. He has a theory that you are packing it. He's obsessed with this. Because your hands and also the lack of hair, that signifies... Why has lack of hair got anything to do with it? You know if you have testosterone or steroids or whatever, or if you have naturally more testosterone, you lose hair.

Yeah, but the amount of testosterone you're producing has nothing to do with the size of your dick. Prove it, mate. Can I say this? One time Tommy was on this show, Tommy Little was on this show, and we did talk a lot about this subject. About Tommy's dick. Yes, and it was very, very funny.

And then I spoke to a listener the next week and went, what a hilarious episode. And she goes, oh, it was okay. And I'm like, what are you talking about? All that talk about Tommy's penis was so funny. And she goes, there was nothing of that in there. No. And I went, what? Dasolo.

It was all taken out. No, I get that in. I reckon that stayed in. There was some dicey stuff around that that I had to chop out, I think. But I reckon it stayed in. It was some dicey stuff around that that I had to chop out, I think. But I reckon it stayed in. It was a bit close to home. Wow, we are desperate for content. We're just talking about stuff that's been edited out of previous episodes.

Oh, no, that's fine. We talked about Quirk living in the garage. Do you have big hands though? Do I have big hands? I don't think I have necessarily big hands. Are they big hands? Well, I'm taller than you and you've got long old fingers. You've got big feet. You've got big feet.

I've got big feet. I'm a size 12. You are. Same size as me. Yeah, I'm the same size as Quiggan. You're like a head taller than me. I don't have a – it doesn't matter. Why are we talking about this?

Let's all get them out, guys. Here's my hand. Great visual content. Yeah, let's all get out our hands. Yeah, little – you know what? I hear this a lot from people that they – That they think you have a big dick. What gets told to me is that it seems...

This is just based on what comes back to me. All that Little talks about with other people is the size of my penis. That's literally the only conversation he ever seems to have with people. Well, a guy with the surname Little obviously has a complex. Yeah, maybe that's it.

Maybe that's it. Tommy Little's doing some great PR for you. Yeah, he's doing a great job. The mics were almost on. He almost said it on air.'s doing some great PR for you. Yeah. He's doing a great job. Yeah. The mics were almost on. He almost set it on air. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Put it out there. On Nova. He was going to talk about it on Nova. Yeah, which is why I was doing a song break. Ring in if you've ever seen Tommy Dad Slash P. Do you think he has a... And we thought we were hard up for content. I am single at the moment, yeah.

Oh, you're single. Well, why would you edit this bit out? I'm not going to edit it out. I'll leave it in. Leave it in. I'll leave it in. I have a huge dick, everyone would you edit this bit out? I'm not going to edit it out I'll leave it in I'll leave it in I have a huge dick everyone Who wants to come round? But first let's assume people are interested in that kind of thing

What big dicks? I think people are interested in your personality I've got a lot of evidence to the contrary But anyway Tommy Dasso is very single And he has To my knowledge You don't have to say very single

Okay He's partially single What's very single? Reasonably single As in, to my knowledge. You don't have to say very single. Okay, he's partially single. He's reasonably single. As in, single-ish. It's a single, right? Single, okay. Tommy Daslow is single

and he, you know, he has had some romantic interludes with people that listen to this show already. So, guys, let us know.

Go and take Tommy Daslow for a test spin and report back, you know, at Dumb Dumb Club on Twitter. Take me for a test spin. report back at Dumb Dumb Club on Twitter. Take me for a test spin.

Yeah, any sex moves you've been thinking of trying out, I'm happy to be your punching bag. Just practice on the old Das. Just lie me down, flip me over, do what you want. Use Daslow as your open mic room of sex. Just try out a few things. If you're too nervous to ask him directly, specifically over Twitter, just hashtag him with the hashtag hands or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. Just to be – Yeah, yeah. No, report back. Go and take him for a ride and then come back. And I run the Twitter account. You know, you can hit me up. Just send Carl a DM.

Yeah, exactly. Hey, I'm interested in test driving. After you give Dassaw a DM, send me a DM. Ew. Ew. Man, we already – our live show in Perth last year was one of the weirdest experiences of my whole life.

I can't wait to see what it's like now that we've put out this fucking prostituting me out on the podcast. The next live thing, just yell out, show us your hands, Tommy. We got offered Dexys non-stop at the live show last year. Now I'm going to be offered a Dexys and a courtesy finger in the same sentence. It's going to be a full-on evening. Yeah, that's going to be a full-on evening. Yeah. Yeah, that's going to be good.

Some Perth loving. That's fine. We're there for, what, three nights? Three nights, yeah. So, you know, I'm getting that red-eye back on Sunday after the show, so you're going to have to be pretty quick. You're probably going to have to go down in the airport dunnies. Oh.

Yeah. You drive me to the airport. I'll pay for the short-term parking. We go into the toilets and then... That's very modest suggesting short-term. I'm sure. We all know, Tommy. Yeah.

I go all night long. All right. What else is going on? Quirk looks disgusted by this. No, I'm just... I came back from America for this. Yeah. Did you really?

Just for this? Look at how you're sitting now. He's all, like, uncomfortable. Surely this is the sort of thing that goes down in LA. You've been in La La Land. You've been to Hollywood. You think I'd have some stories,

don't you? I'll tell you, in all honesty, the only thing that I can recall in three months that sort of how I was affected by time in the US,

right, is I made a strong decision to, I always wear white socks apart from today I'm wearing black, right? Undermining the theory. This is true. This is true. I always wear white socks, apart from today I'm wearing black, right? Undermining the theory.

This is true. This is true. I can't wait to get to LA. Stuff like this happens. This is how lame I am. I always wear white socks and I just thought, no, it's time to start wearing patterned socks.

And so I bought a lot of patterned socks while I was there. And apart from today, the new quirk is he's wearing patterned socks. Okay, that's true. Is that why you had to come back? You ran out of money because you're just buying patterned socks willy-nilly?

I've got a big dick. Anyway, check it out. I was in Portland, Oregon, and I thought, well, I've got to pack my bag. So I've got double as many socks now. I may as well go and get rid of these white socks. And there's a lot of homeless people in. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

He handed out socks to homeless people. Well... I don't have change, but he's... No, he put coins into the socks and beat the shit out of them. No, he gave him... Take my socks! No, he gave him socks.

He said, put them down your pants or you'll look like Tommy Dessler. You know, Tommy Dessler. Little dum-dum club. They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I can't tell you how – I literally, in a bag,

I had five pairs of very clean, used socks. And I just thought, I've got 20 minutes. I'm just going to walk the streets. And the first I looked at a guy, he had a beard and he's pushing a trolley. I was like, excuse me, man. And he was just like, get out of here. Get your socks off. And I was like, shit, this is harder than I thought.

It's really embarrassing. I've got to say, if you're giving people clothes, socks is like the lowest form of clothes. That's what I thought. But one guy... Underpants works. There was a guy... Really? Of course. Underwear. I don't think you can bring that to a charity store. Especially Tommy's, they'll be all stretched and stuff.

Yeah, exactly. But it'll rub off on you and you'll gain my powers. That's how I got mine. I bought a well-endowed homeless man's underpants. Is your penis an STD? Did you catch it off something? Sure. Yeah, right.

Yes, and. So did you get rid of them? Yeah, there was like a couple with a kid and they were really nice and young. And he's like, I need socks. But before that, I just asked one guy who was in a wheelchair and then I looked and he had no legs. Oh, no. There's a guy that doesn't need socks.

No, it's a true story. Unless he wants to do puppeting and stuff like that. Did you? I didn't ask the guy. I just saw him. I was like, there's a guy that doesn't need socks. Oh, right, right. Okay.

So you didn't hold him out and then go, oh, actually. No. You're fine. Kidding. But he might need a good dick warmer. Yeah, right, right. Okay, so you didn't hold him out and then go, oh, actually? No. You're fine. Kidding. But he might need a good dick warmer. Yeah, yeah. Suck on there. Did you hold it out and say, maybe this is a bit of inspiration?

You know? I guess what I'm... You've got to visualise your dreams. They'll grow back. That's fucked. But I guess I'm saying, is it right or wrong to... To offer a homeless man with no legs? No, no, no.

Let's cut that off now it's wrong yes next question no is it is it an act of what's the question charity or is it just a pathetic thing that a first world person

would do to give away clean socks to the homeless that's a good thing because it seems it seems kind of wrong doesn't it

it's not a bad thing but I'm telling you this guy was very happy the one guy that was receptive on the spectrum of good it's on the spectrum yeah what I'm telling you, this guy was very happy. The one guy that was receptive. On the spectrum of good, it's on the spectrum. Yeah. What I'm doing.

It's barely made me do it. Yeah. Like, I think the homeless guy probably... I gave the guy what cash I had in my pocket, by the way. The guy... Well, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The homeless guy probably thought it was an act of charity

to just talk to you because you're offering socks to people on the street. Do you think the homeless guy was like, man, that guy is crazy. The homeless guy was going, I think I've done the right thing. I've humoured this weirdo for a while. Oh, sure, yeah.

I'll take your socks. He's probably sure I'll freely accept. But you know what? You're probably the only comic in the world that's ever done that. Just gone around and decided to hand out white socks to homeless people. And white socks as well. I'd say that would stretch further than comic. I reckon just people in general wouldn't have done that.

So did you give all your socks to the one guy? I gave, it was like five pairs I gave to one guy yeah do you like that white socks white socks they're probably not white by now

yeah when you're living on the streets it's an odd choice what were you trying to say to them if I could take it back I would if I could take

the colour back I wonder what he's doing now you'll just dirty these you should have asked to keep in contact with him in some way yeah

let him crash at your garage when he comes over I can the homeless I can relate to them you know yeah you're not that far away Let him crash at your garage when he comes over here. The homeless are more like, I can relate to them. Yeah, you're not that far away. That's what I said to him. I said, actually, you know, mate, I've got it just as bad as you.

I'm moving into a garage. That's why I don't need socks. I'm walking around on carpet in my garage. That's like socks that are already nailed to the floor. You know? Yeah, yeah. Hey, speaking of, we were talking about those unused artworks before. I want to bring this up.

I've just recently discovered a dumpling restaurant near my house that I've become quite fond of. Just a small little operation. We've given away your street before, haven't we? Yeah, we don't need to do that again. Wait a minute. You've lived here for years. How have you only just recently discovered it?

Also, could we just pause this? Okay, also, quick pause. Why is there a police sign out the front and you already live here? Gee, I wonder why. Oh, you're leaving? Yes. I thought they were

just kicking you out and they're just like... No, I'm moving house. Oh, okay. That makes sense. There we go. Simple question, simple answer.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you. We talked about it on the last week or the week before. Tommy's moving in with Tommy Ballard, friend of the show. Oh, there you go.

It's exciting. That's exciting stuff. That's awesome. Yeah, it's going to be good. I don't know why it's exciting. We should have a live podcast at this house to send it off. I'm going to have a garage sale at the front of here. And sell David Quirk.

Sell David Quirk. What are you doing live? I won't fetch much, but I'll go quickly, I reckon. Hey, could I sell some stuff with you? Let me very quickly say this. I'm going to... Because there's a bunch of stuff that I can't be fucked taking with me. So I was like, oh, I'll just have a sale at the front of the house.

And I'm going to do it. I'm going to plug the address. I'll say the address on the podcast. I'll put it out there. Because it'll be like the day before I move. So what do I care? Is it one of those demolition parties where we just trash the place? There's a police sign at the front.

We trash the place. But also there's a bond. You can smash all we want. How much is a bond? The bond? How much is the bond here? One month's worth? Yeah, three grand or something.

If everybody chips in for the bond, we can smash the shit out of this place. Sure. Great fundraising campaign. They can only keep the bond. I was just joking, but that's a fine idea. We've veered wildly from giving out socks to the homeless. Chip in and we'll wreck someone's house. Is it a good act?

Let's trash a place. I was going to put this podcast as a reference on all my future rental applications, but I don't think I will be now. Actually, your response is very responsible. You're like, no, guys, I will not participate in that. The high and mighty, the great client. Get Dassler in your house. He won't even wreck the whole place. And he not participate in that. Yeah. So let's do it. The high and mighty, the great client. Get Dassler in your house. He won't even wreck the whole place.

And he has a big dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, come down. We should podcast this garage sale that I'm going to have. Anyway, so it's taken me a while to discover this place. It's reasonably new, Quirk, in answer to your question. It's a relatively new dumpling house that's opened up.

Right. Just the one guy in there. He's very friendly. It's a very, very cheap place. He has a deal going that he that's opened up. Just the one guy in there. He's very friendly. It's a very, very cheap place. He has a deal going that he's got a little sign on the counter. Cash only? Is this cash only? No, they take card.

So it's not run by an Asian person? It's run by an Asian person. Okay, cool. Those two mutually exclusive. I just thought like most like... What are you trying to say? South Asian, we avoid tax too. Oh, okay.

We just take cash. I like that when I see a shop that says cash only. You know they're paying 10% of the tax that's due. Wouldn't you think that would be the first places that they'd go and check out, just anywhere that says cash only? That's the first place the ATO would hit up. Is that honestly why almost any place you see?

Slash, when you use an FPOS card, like an ATM card, whatever, the machine charges the business like 2% or something. Yeah, yeah. Well, because for me, I thought if I run a business, and there's a lot of reasons why I don't, okay? But this is the big one. And what I'm about to say is certainly included in why I will never run a business of any kind. But if I run a business,

I thought, oh, they're a bit like me in that they can't be fucked making the phone call but you have to hook up the F-Post sort of stuff. And the same way if I move into a house, I've heard of people setting up Wi-Fi. I've heard of people setting up Wi-Fi. I've never experienced it firsthand, but I've heard tell of it.

I saw it in a movie. You just know that the code exists and you just ask for it. I read about it in a picture book once. Anyway, my point is, so you're saying it's actually, people are very crafty. They're crafty. Perhaps I'm generalising a whole one billion people. But anyway, he's got a deal going where he's got a little sign

on the front counter, this dumpling guy, where if you, in this dumpling restaurant, if you spend $300 in one calendar month, he'll let you keep any one of the artworks off the wall. He'll let you take a painting home with him. No, one of the used paintings or unused paintings? These are actually used. Are they good paintings? They're on the wall cut.

They're being used. They're not paying $300 for an unused artwork. Do they look used? Do they look like a lot of people have seen them? Unused is more valuable than used. It's like an unused pair of socks is worth more than a used pair of socks. Oh, that's true. It's like, I don't want this one.

It's had people bloody... This Mona Lisa is thrashed out. It's had people gawking on it for fucking centuries. It's got eyeball prints all over it. Only four people have seen this one. I didn't know we were going to get so much mileage out of that ridiculous saying. It does call into question when an artwork is being used on it, doesn't it? Yes, yes.

But I'm so keen to do this. So 300 bucks in one month. So a serve of, I think it's like 10 for 10 bucks roughly. Oh my God. But they sort of vary depending on what sort of filling you get. It would be a cool way to, if you do do it, to furnish, you know, or to put some used artwork on your walls. But what I want to do is...

At the new house. 10 for 10 bucks, that's 300 dumplings you need to buy. Exactly. It's the garage sale of restaurants. Yeah. You're just picking up any old crap that's sitting around there. But here's what I'm thinking of doing. I'm thinking it's obviously it's going to be…

A dum-dum club party? Kind of. It's going to be easier if you do it with someone. Yeah. So each time you go in… 300 dumplings. Half of Dilruch's Wayne. Half the amount of dumplings that you're going to have to eat.

I just want to do a thing where I put it out and I just go, here's the dates every day of the month. If you want to come have dumplings with me, you just sign up. Say my name. Anyone comes in. And people are coming in to help you get a free painting. Okay. What are the terms and conditions? It's on me.

I'm paying. But does it need to be you buying it? Yeah, I'm paying. So they need to have your face attached to the purchase. So it's on me. I'm paying. No, but does it need to be you buying it? Yeah, I'm paying. So they need to have your face attached to the purchase. So they come with me. I'm paying. We just sit and chat and we have dumplings. And then you have to fuck me afterwards.

You get a big dick out of it. So this is like a blind date with Tommy Dashlow. Pretty much, yeah. So you have to buy how many dumplings? So it ends up being around the 300 month. $10 for 10 dumplings or $300. It's $10 for $10. It's $300 in one month.

So you've got to be spending $10 a day. $10 a day. $10 a day. But I figure if you go with people. Could you eat 10 a day? If you go with a couple of people and you get a big group and you get a big bunch, you only have to do it every three or four days. You could eat five dumplings a day with, you know, right?

But is that a person? Because say, for instance, if you buy me and you dumplings, will he say, oh, no, no, but you only ate five of them. I'd work it out with him and I'd go, this is what I'm doing. You're getting your 300 bucks. I'm coming in here. I'm coming with other people. The money's all coming from me.

You know what? I would like that though if he's a real stickler about it. You know what? He really doesn't want to give up that artwork. I'm going to go and buy you a painting. Let's just do that. That's what I thought. Just hand over to him.

What is this painting of anyway? That's the great thing. They're all shit. They're all really bad. He's just like dumplings. Yeah, he's just gotten them. I just wanted, again, I dropped out of uni. I've never really seen anything through to completion.

I just want to set myself a task and get through to the end. Like, you know, 300 bucks over a month, that's still less than a university degree would cost you in school fees and stuff. I think you have to do it, Tommy. I really want to do it. I think this is going to catch on. You're going to go into Starbucks

and get your little card stamped and at the end you get a lamp. Yeah. No, I want to see this happen. I want to see this happen. I just think every business should have that where it's like you spend a certain amount in a month and you just get to keep something. Keep some of the furniture.

Yeah. Furniture. Pick a bit. Free furniture with every food purchase. With every 300 food purchases. It's crazy. What a weird thing that he's offered though. Don't you think it's strange?

Well, it's got us. Rather than just have a price. Such a strange offer. After 300 dollars. You know when you go into a cafe and they often do have artwork being used at the time. It's on the wall. And it'll have the artist perhaps and the price. And I was like, I've looked at it a million times going, as if anyone is buying that stuff.

But this is weirdly the way to make people do it. Yeah, absolutely. But that's a challenge. I'm going to give him a shout out. Howhan Dumpling House, Queen's Parade in Clifton. Go check him out. But the average person wouldn't be able to accomplish that. That's 10 a day, every day, weekends included.

Let's do it. Let's start. Let's go there after this. But 10 a day. Are they vegetarian ones? 10 a day. Yes, good question. 10 a day isn't insane.

That's just like one meal of dumplings. It's still a lot. You can't take a day. You can't go away for the day. Yeah. You've got an appointment every day. You've got to to cut, like you've got an appointment every day. You've got to schedule it. Have you ever had an appointment every day?

You've got to work if you want this shit painting. And you know, it's that thing where you know when you commit to something every day and you miss one day and then maybe you miss two days and you go, oh now I've got to go and eat 30 dumplings. Have you ever done everything every day? When I could, when I could, I reckon I'd be, I'd be going in with like, I'd be going, doing a big, like weekends. You'll have to.

If you had a house of you, you'd get a big, you'd have some people around and you'd go, I'm going to go in and I'm going to spend like 80 bucks in one night just to cover myself for the week. Could you really live with yourself if you've got that painting on your wall afterwards and you know you haven't eaten all the dumplings? Don't you think you should earn it yourself? Shouldn't you eat all the dumplings? You know what?

I think that's a cop out. Maybe like once a week you get a dumpling date. Once a week you get a cheat day where you don't eat the dumplings. You just chuck them out the window. If you go out of town or something. I've got some noodles tonight. You'll have to Airbnb your dumplings or something. I don't feel like it's much of a challenge.

You can just have four dumpling dates and it's done. But for me, the excitement is that you do it every day. For me, part of the appeal was putting this thing up of going, it's easier if I do it with someone. So putting a thing up, just having a website where it's like, just anyone can sign up. Oh, you're going to have a website now. And I'm getting more people.

I'm getting to meet strangers. Oh, if it's different people. Because I thought if you take the same person, I reckon halfway through it's going to be like that thing where someone carries someone else's baby, where halfway through they go, oh, I sort of like this baby now. And that other person will go, no, I like the look of that painting.

I've eaten half the dumplings. Maybe I should be sharing this painting. This does tie in with the original thing about hooking up with Tommy. So maybe if you want to hook up with Tommy. I just want to meet strangers. And if you want to have some dumplings. I'm interested in the world around me. So if you're interested, if you're interested in a dumpling date with me,

get on with it. Speaking of food, this is a new idea. So if you've been listening the last couple of weeks, we are now officially at the moment. I'm not sure when this is ending or if it's just going to go on forever. We'll have to talk to the people at Yellow Food. But we are sponsored by Yellow Chocolate Mousse because of my slight obsession. And they make the best.

They make the best mousse. And I don't think we've ever had this much feedback from anyone but since we've been sponsored since we've talked about how good

yellow moose is everyone is hitting us up on Facebook Twitter I'm getting a lot of phone calls and text messages just people

brutally going where the fuck is this moose I live in Goondi I've gone into the supermarket and there's no moosey. Where is it?

In true, it's very fitting for a podcast to get sponsored by a product that's actually hard to find and that you have to work really hard to get. Like podcasting itself. It's not in your face. Where is it available, Kyle? Well, it's in a lot of stores. So if you go to yella.com.au, you'll find it. Y-E-L-L-A, Yella. Y-E-L-L-A, Yella.

Y-A-L-L-A. Yella. Like MC Yella. Yeah, like that thing that doesn't exist. Is it a yellow mousse? No, no, it's chocolate mousse. It's not yellow. It's Yella.

Oh, Yella. Yeah, Yella. Y-A-L-L-A. Don't get angry. Why? You're mocking our sponsor. It's Yella. I was not mocking it.

I just said MC Yellow from a bloody what? NWA. Just a little cool reference I thought.

But it's lost on these notes. I didn't know. Thank you. Straight out of Compton.

Sorry. Thank you. If you're listening and you got that then I love you. Sorry.

So anyway. It was no disrespect to the fine people at Yellow Moose. So the moose is marching off the shelves all around Australia, apparently. Like we're getting so much response and people, like I said, people texting me, people even

buying moose out of my hometown. What's your hometown? No, well, not my hometown, my closest supermarket to my house, sending me pictures and whatever. So I'm getting a lot of text messages, a lot of whatever. Here's the thing. We've been told by Yellow Moose that we can go to the distributor in Melbourne and then just go and get as much moose as we want for ourselves, for unused moose, for our personal use.

We're basically sick kids at this point. That's amazing. That's kind of moose. Can I go in and say, I'm Carl Chandler? Yeah. No, you could pass for me easily. Can anyone do this if they just say that they're you guys

no no no one can do this apart from us we've got to hook it up sure they're going to let us go to the distributor but now you've given it away are they going to let us

keep a painting off the wall that's what I want to know so and I was thinking oh this will be exciting except it's just the distributor so we can go out and we can

you know get some free moves that's great but we're going to Sydney you know we've got these. That's great. But we're going to Sydney. We've got these live shows coming up, Tommy. So we're going to Sydney. That's where I believe...

We can go to the Harbour Bridge instead. Is that where the distributor is? No, I believe that's where they make it in Sydney. That's their hometown. We should do a live podcast there. I think we should go for a tour of Yalla. I think we should go in there. I think it's going to be...

I thought you were going to say you can get some some moose and bring it to the live show. I think you should bring some to the live show. Everyone has some. Yeah, yeah, totally. But

we should definitely yeah, okay. That'd be a nice thing to do. You should offer it to all your guests. Yeah. So we should go I think to Yella.

Maybe there's a deal where we can pick up free moose and bring a bit into the live show but we should go and see it made and stuff because they've got pictures on their website and it's like oh, this is the shit. Oh, this is how up free moose and bring a bit into the live show. But we should go and see it made and stuff. Because they've got pictures on their website and it's like, oh, this is the shit. This is how you make moose.

It looks like Willy Wonka style. Yes. We can lick the wallpaper and taste of moose. Yes, exactly. Right. Exactly. You and I can sneak off from the tour group and go into the top secret area where we taste all the mooses that we're not meant to taste yet.

Oompa loompa doompity dumcum. Very good. Yes. Very good. Yes. Very clever. I write for TV. So I think I'm going to hit up the good people at

Yella and so maybe we can go in and report from there. Yeah, great. I love it. Let me bring this up. Now you gentlemen,

Nazeem and Dave, Dave you've done a couple of adverts in your time. You've been some advertising. No. Yes you have Dave you've done a couple of adverts in your time you've been weirdly not no well I've done yes you have

I've done one but and I'm happy to talk about that but I have auditioned for a billion yeah what was the advert you did oh

I'm not that happy to talk about it I realise what are you doing what are you googling no no I'm just getting something ready to show you

yeah so you're the paranoia that kicked in on me so why is everybody's phone to show you. I'm bloody pure. She had a paranoia that kicked in on me. Why is everybody's phone? The ad you did. I, years ago, was paid $500 to advertise, $500, it still hurts, a Nissan Navara ad. Oh, they've got no money.

No, no, they're hard up. It was just an online thing. What was it? You could have got a free painting for less than that. I know. I know. Yeah, you would have got a free painting for free. You're so right.

And it was really hard because I saw other... $500 for a car ad. They pay you cash? It was a little... No, it was... It was a travel... It was so bad. And I said yes. $500?

Do you know why I said yes to it? What? It's very good. I missed that. It was. Do you know why I said yes to it? What? It's very good. I missed that. It was pretty good. Listen to the podcast. www.littledumbdumbclub.com I'll listen 42 minutes in.

Tommy said something funny. Don't forget. At me, about me. No, I saw other actors, like other comics. I'd be out at gigs and I would do a, I was trying to do a bit on stage where I'd show this terrible ad. On an iPad mini? On an iPad.

Not a mini, mate. I might live in a garage, but I've got a full-size iPad. A used iPad. Anyway. A used iPad that fell off the back of the truck that you did the ad for. Yeah. I know you have to keep talking at this

podcast and all podcasts but the fact when you do you're going to say something that will just be constantly reiterated. What was the ad for

again? The Holden fuckwit. Yeah, yeah. You didn't even have to talk that time. I just cooked That was good,

yeah, yeah. Thanks, man. Oh, what a feeling being a dumb cunt. No, I'm glad it came up. I'm glad this got brought up. Quirk looks at his bank balance bugger.

I have no idea what the hell I was trying to say. Anyway, I didn't bring that. Nazeem, you done? You would have additions. You're never going to finish your story. I don't want to. It's nothing to say. I just want to say that it doesn't matter why I was paid $500,

but if you think about it, and I'll defy either of you three morons to – Hey, Nazeem's our guest. Please. Sorry. Sorry, Nazeem. You're complicit. Thank you. It seems I guessed, please. Sorry. Sorry, Nizan. You're complicit. No, but $500, if someone said, here's $50,000 for this commercial, you go, as much as I hate it, of course I'll do it.

If someone said, here's $50, you'd be like, screw you. But $500. $500 is that kind of amount where you go, I could kind of use $500 right now. There's literally no numbers in between those two, so yeah. Hey, I just gave all the numbers. I gave the numbers. Do you reckon the fee was actually five grand but word went around that you sleep on carpet in your garage and they went, I reckon we can get in for less.

But then they probably heard that I was giving away socks, so I'm doing quite well. No, I totally agree. It's all well and good to get up on your high horse and go no that's not enough but if you if you get presented with something and you have no other money then sure you people would do oh i certainly did and it's one of the darkest things i've done one of the darkest days it was you know what they do you know what the catering was that day was like i think they gave me a can of soft drink. What? Yeah, yeah. It was.

And something like a lamington or a muffin. I've got tons of this cold next to my bed, mate. It was really, really sad. Yeah. That's, yeah. I remember it was. A can of soft drink as your catering. Yeah, it was.

Here's your can, as requested, as we promised in the contract. I think every other actor said no to it. And now here's your 498 bucks. We took the money out of your pay. That's your drink and your meal. You drink the soft drink, then you eat the can. That's lunch. Get back to work. Billy Goat. I haven't done...

I have auditioned for a car ride, actually. I was like, I don't know if I'm going to do it. And my manager said, well, just audition. See, if you get it, then you can make the audition. But I almost did... Do you guys know Uniqlo? Yeah. Yeah.

They had a thing when they were launching in Australia where they had like a whole bunch of people. This is Ronnie Chang's dream. He wanted to be sponsored by Uniqlo. I heard about this. It was Ronnie Chang's dream. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got a bigger dream.

He's doing all right now. But they had a thing when they were launching Uniqlo and they wanted a whole bunch of faces to be the faces of Uniqlo. And they were going to fly into Japan, do a fashion shoot, and they were going to pay a chunk of money, right? But I don't know. And I needed the money. And by chunk, you mean 500?

No, it was actually good money, right? It was more money than I've... Like 600. It was at least 600. Yeah, yeah. I did a bit of Googling. And you said no to it. That is bedroom money.

It's bedroom. Man, that could have gotten me out of the garage. But it turns out they're a bit sweatshoddy. Sweatshoppy. Oh, that was it. I had to say no. Look, I'm happy to wear it. Not that I'm happy, but I'm comfortable wearing stuff, right?

We've got someone who works in a sweatshop at the moment, I think. Exactly. He's a $500 car. I didn't want to feed your working. The socks I gave away were probably made in a sweatshop, so you can't win them all. But the thing is, I'm happy to wear it, but I didn't want to be the face or be the guy

selling a dodgy product. This is commercial. I don't know. It's commercial, but it's also like, it's ethical, but it's also, yeah, here you are talking about blah, blah. Yeah, yeah. And you're a known guy that it's going to blow back on you and people are going to get your Twitter and be like, how dare you?

How dare you? I mean, it's true. So I was just like, man, it was easy. How much money? It was about $20,000. Oh, really? Yeah. You knocked back that.

Look, honestly, it wasn't easy. I thought if I knock it back straight away, then I've done it. If you think about it, then I think it's... I know you can't hear this at home, but both Quirk and Dazzle are crying at the moment. No, look, I was crying. Tears streaming down their faces. I was going, I wasn't,

you know, but this is before the big SBS dollars, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But, I had it all over again. But it's kind of like,

you know, I don't know, it's one of those things, you just, well, we all relate, we've all knocked back $20,000 ad campaigns. No, but you know what it is,

it could have been, no, it couldn't have been, I think it would have, maybe for 21, I would have been like, oh, 21.

All right, now we know your price. I could ask to be the face of Suzanne and I had to knock it back. I think maybe for 21 I would have been like oh alright now we know your price I could ask to be the face of Suzanne and I had to knock it back I think it's good keep that don't edit that out

why would you it's a very interesting story I feel awks I feel awks saying the money why it's fine I'd feel more awkward if you said yes to it

because then we know how much money you've got the thing is though I'm not I don't I think I understand why people say yes to things because then we know how much money you've got. The thing is though, I understand why people say yes to things because you need it

but it was just, you know. Yeah, you did your homework. Do you understand why I said yes to the $5,000? No, look, I auditioned for some Toyota thing

or something where it was, I can't remember what the fee was if I was going to get it. Did you get a Sprite out of it? They didn't give me shit. I didn't get anything.

I think it was a Lyft. A Lyft. Why do you ask? Good name drink for a car ride, to be honest. Lyft, if you're listening, I'll happily be sponsored. What would you like to be the face of,

ideally? What would you be the face of? Probably Dum Dum Club. Yeah? We can hook that up. I know a few people. No, I don't know. Nothing off the top of my head.

No? I would like, because I work in the skateboard. Because a few people. No, I don't know. Nothing off the top of my head. No? I would like, because I work in the skateboard. Because this is my dream to be sponsored by Moose. I actually hooked this up. A chocolate company. Is that what you would be? I could just, the slogan could be, I could just say, you are what you eat, guys. And I'd be just taking a bite out of something.

Out of what? Picnic? Anything. What's your bar? Cadbury. You go Cadbury. Lindt? Lindt. High end

I mean I don't know If they have a Muslim Yeah exactly I don't know if that's A sweet combo at the moment You know this is really Fucked up But I was

This is a really bad idea I just joked about it With my manager I was like hey How about for my poster shot I could be Now this is terrible No go

Out in front of the cafe Just holding my poster up Going Wow I got a text message After that happened Whilst it was happening From a comedian out in front of the cafe just holding my poster up going oh wow I got a text message after that happened whilst it was happening from a comedian

and she said can I have a soy latte please oh it's hilarious I think it's funny I mean but so I'd be happy to be

the face of Lint but I just think maybe a couple of years it's probably too soon at the moment yeah give it a couple of decades they gotta go on the front foot man

they gotta go on the front foot yeah until you make people forget. So cabri, go cabri, go 100 bars. Bounce back. Yeah, what about you, David? Yeah, you were saying skateboarding. I wear these pants a lot.

They're made by Wrangler. Those are nice and brown. If I find out there's nothing ethically unsandwiched, of course. Wrangler's pretty. Wrangler's pretty. They're made of polyester. Anyway, why am I telling you that? Wrangler would be kind of cool.

I wear their jackets. That'd be cool. Yeah, it would be kind of cool, right? So I've heard stories about comedians these fantasy sponsorships of people going up

to clothing companies going can you sponsor me for my comedy festival show and then they go okay and then they just wear a pair of jeans on stage to

12 people a night you're like wow that's amazing that's awesome and there's no signage there's no way of knowing what

what are you saying are you being serious it's good they got a free pair of jeans out of him you know what steal saunders shop I got a discounted T-shirt. Oh, wow.

Yeah, there you go, guys. That's not very impressive at all. That's not an ad or sponsorship or anything. It's just whoever worked there being a nice guy. But he got two comp tickets. That's just going on sale day. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

You gave him comp tickets. Comp tickets, which is probably worth more than... I got a discount on a pair of shoes and I didn't even have to give him comps. So how does that make you feel? Wow So I also stole a couple of items So I did I filmed an ad

Get to the point I filmed an ad last week right And the night before the ad They sent around a whole bunch of paperwork Relating to the ad You know the sort of stuff Where it's like a location sheet Where everything's happening

Contact list All that kind of stuff They also sent around a page On each of the people in the ad, the talent, with a little bit of information and some photos, some pictures. So this goes out to everyone who's working on the ad, all of whom are people I don't know except for the director

who's a mate who got me involved in it. So I open up the paperwork and I open up my sheet on the page. Now this was the photos that they'd selected of me to send around to all the crew working on the ad. All whom people I don't know. I'll show you Nazeem. Now if you can describe for me what's going on in these photos. This is what people saw.

This is what... This was a crew's worth of people's first impressions of me. Tommy D'Acelo in a blow-up pool. Me shirtless in an inflatable pool which was my comedy festival in a blow up pool little pink one me shirtless in an inflatable pool which was my comedy festival in a kiddie pool

which looks cute and ridiculous I don't know how to describe the other one and then the other one so the other one is a photo of me I'm in Lord of the Fries

at 3am I'm really drunk I remember looking at that photo thinking that's a good one I wasn't even sure if that was you I'm waiting

I'm behind other people and a friend Stuart Dolman has taken a photo of me. And he's done that thing where you do four quarters and you zoom in a little bit more each time. So by the end, and I look drunk. You look broken. I look like it's 3am. You look broken.

What was happening was the people in front of me were taking ages to order. They took 20 minutes to order. It's 3am. I'm out of my mind. I just want a burger. I'm going crazy. I think apparently when I got to the counter, Stu has relayed this to order. They took 20 minutes to order. It's 3am. I'm out of my mind. I just want a burger. I'm going crazy. I think apparently when I got to the counter, Stu has relayed this to me, I said something

along the lines of, this is how you fucking order a burger, fam, and just went crazy and just ordered all this stuff. So that has gone out to, that's just gone out to everyone who I don't know. So I'm like, oh, this is going to be great. So they're just looking at you, imagining you topless. The reason that's

on there is because the director of the ad is a mate of mine and I'm friends with him on Facebook. What kind of product are we talking? I don't think I'm allowed to say it. Kind of product? What? Yeah. You should put those photos up. Yeah, I'll put them up. You can say that on Mike. That's fine. It's good advice. I was just

trying to be sly. You're just trying to talk about the podcast. It's good to get good advice on Mike. For example, don't do an ad for $500. Everything we've talked about, you can learn from. But what's great about this, so that photo after that got taken, I found it very funny.

I put it on Facebook. I then just for shits and gigs, I put it as my photo on Tinder. I just thought this was funny. And I saw this mate of mine who's ended up directing the ad. I saw him the next day after I put it on Tinder. And he goes, man, someone showed me that you've got that on Tinder. What are you doing, man? That's people's first impression of you and you're putting that out there.

That's fucked, man. Cuts it two months later and he's just sending it around to a crew of people who I'm meeting for the first time the next day. Got you the gig? It got me the gig, sure. So I turn up the next day and everyone's like, ah, here he is. That's a profitable first impression. Yeah, everyone's going, I don't recognise you with your shirt on.

Like, yeah, yeah, it's good. The best caption for that was breaking tone. You do look like... I do. I've got a bit of the Walter White's going on. The Walter White thing going on, yeah. I saw that. The hairline and then I'm wearing like a, how would you describe it,

like a jacket. Like a puffer jacket. Very similar to what he's gone for. Ordering yourself a little Heisenberger. Yay! Very yummy.

So yeah, that was my, yeah, that's my experience. What was your, what was the, how much did you get paid? $501.

Oh, we have a new winner. That hurts. We have a top of the leaderboard. And a, and a Diet Coke? Diet Coke, yeah. What was the catering like? Catering was a top of the leaderboard. And a Diet Coke? Diet Coke, yeah.

What was the catering like? Catering was a bunch of sandwiches that they'd gotten from the market. Pretty standard but pretty good. Couldn't complain. Oh, you wouldn't say standard. Doesn't happen on all ads. No. Maybe one where it doesn't happen.

Yeah, right. As a matter of fact, the food that I ate that day, I had to walk in with the production assistant to the cafe and I was there. I think I bought my own food. Oh, that's great. I think I bought my own food. Oh, that's great. I goes, the muffin. Yeah, the muffin will do and all that can of drink. Thank you.

Just take it out of my fee. And this is a car company as well. It's really tricky. There's no money in cars. It took a bit of a dive. It was just an online thing where I talk about. There's no money in cars anymore. You never see one anymore.

No one buys them. They're all on the internet now. All driving happens on computers now. That's what happens. You don't need a fucking Hilux for the information superhighway. I will say I only got paid fractionally more than that, but it's for an institution that I know does not have much money. Sure, sure, sure.

You were the face of that car, right? Like, say, Nissan. No. Educational institution. Nissen. Well, guys, I think that might be just about all we have for today on the Little Dum Dum Club. Quirk's got to get back to his garage, work on that hot rod.

Sweep the carpet. Nisimu Say and David Quirk, thank you very much for joining us. Have you gentlemen got things coming up that you would care to plug? Yeah, the Melbourne Comedy Festival next year. Oh, get in early. Yeah. I'll take one of those. Pre-sales?

Pre-sales? Also, I'm doing Carl's room next. Oh, yeah, yeah. As a mine, right? Yeah, you're both on the same night. Yeah, yeah. So we've talked about that before. I have a room in Melbourne every Thursday night.

So it's on Facebook. It's on Twitter. I've changed the name on Twitter to Thursday underscore comedy so I still haven't got an official name How'd you come up

with that? Well I thought it's comedy and it's on a Thursday Yes That doesn't explain the underscore I've got a funny story

about that but I'll save it for next time I'm assuming you're also doing Margie Catfish Comedy if people miss you at European B

November the 10th I believe November the 10th excited about it David Quirk what have you got coming up that you care to play

well I'm doing that gig that'll be fun with you guys and I'm doing Catfish down the track so I'm looking

forward to both of that no I've just back in the country and I don't know you'll see me at a garage

you've recently gotten yourself a Twitter account haven't you? I have. Mr. Quirk, what is it? I'm not very active. I've got to just sell it.

What is it? Sell it. Mr. David Quirk. What's your price going to be, I wonder? Mr. David Quirk. I do Twitter for free. I don't think we've ever talked about this, but a couple of years ago you refused to get on Twitter, so I made up a David Quirk account and no one knew that it wasn't you. And so I got a lot of followers. The real David Quirk. Yeah made up a David Quirk account and no one knew that it wasn't you and so I got a lot of followers

the real David Quirk yeah the real David Quirk and then all I did because you have a lot of awkward pauses on stage all I did was like endless tweets

of yes and dot dot dot dot dot um dot dot dot dot very convincing yeah yeah

so people actually thought it was you and then I think your manager told you to tell me to put it down. I've blocked that out. Mentally, I've blocked that out. No, I don't know what's...

I mean, there's little TV things coming out. Oh, you're in Please Like Me, aren't you? Josh Thomas' show. I don't know how that's going to be. Oh, we should be talking. Why didn't we talk about that today? Massive. Because it's confronting. Oh, we should be talking. Why didn't we talk about that today? Massive. Because it's,

no, it's, because it's confronting. Because, spoiler alert, you're playing a lover of Josh Thomas, aren't you? I'm sure I'm allowed to say that.

Are you going to kiss him? Yeah. Have you kissed a guy before? Yeah. This has all happened. This is on tape.

This is all on camera. When do we get to see this? Please Like Me isn't live, Nazeem. You know that. There's a reality show. I think it's, it goes think it's meant to be October. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that.

Spoiler alert. No, it's fine. It's out there. I'm definitely in Please Like Me. Wait till Herald Sun Confidential finds out that David Quirk is going to be playing gay lover. The paps are going to be banging on that garage door. Did Josh decide that he wanted you to be his lover?

I had to audition for it actually. This is David Quirk literally coming out of the garage. Yes. Very funny. I think that also happens

every single morning when he wakes up. Unless the car doesn't start and I'll sleep right through. Alright guys, we've got our live show happening in Perth this Sunday. Unless the car doesn't start and I'll sleep right through. All right, guys. We've got our live show happening in Perth this Sunday. If you're hearing this immediately, if you're hearing this live. Yes, we've also got Adelaide, November the 17th.

We've also got Sydney, November the 22nd. And we've just announced Melbourne, December the 5th at the European Beer Cafe. Going to do a big end of year Christmas spectacular. So tickets to all of that are on our website. And something that we haven't really said on the podcast, I don't think, since we had that last live show, is the t-shirts. We've still got, we did a reorder. We sold out of all of our new t-shirts that are lovely black,

print, white letters on there that say, I'm aware of the little dum-dum club. And it's, man, we sold the most T-shirts of that one from all of our designs by far. So they're on our website as well. If you come to the live show, we're going to have some of them there. Were you throwing a free moose? Oh, no.

Well, we still haven't got any free moose just because they've offered us to go out to the distributor and get them. So in the meantime, I keep going, man, that'd be great to get some of that free moose. Oh, well, the supermarkets are block-wise, so I guess I'm just going to go and buy more. And the factory's pretty far out, isn't it? Like the petrol out there would cost more than just going and buying it. But having said that, we'll go out and get a bunch of it. But I reckon we've nearly paid back the money from the sponsorship just from me buying the moose in between.

Great. Awesome. So the t-shirts going. If you come into a live show, actually hit us up and tell us what size you want because, man, we're going to be lugging a million t-shirts around the country. So anyway. All that stuff is at littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. Thank you.

See you, mates.