The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 266 - Michael Hing & Becky Lucas

Episode Date: November 9, 2015

Elevening, Becky's Spew and Hing's Glasses.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Adelaide, six days until the big live podcast happening in your city on Tuesday, November 17. Carl, what can people expect? Well, this is your last chance to ever get to see our beautiful faces live in the flesh. So suck it up, Adelaide. Come along and check it out before we give you the royal bird and fuck off out of Adelaide Street.

The royal bird? What's the royal bird involved? I'm going to put a little crown on my finger and stick it up a bit. I like it a lot. Seriously though, next Tuesday huge bumper line-up. Nick Cody, Xavier Makalidis, Demi Lardner all making the trip over with us.

Big live podcast. Both of us doing our hour stand-up shows. And if you heard last week's episode with Ronnie Chang you'll know that you got a chance to get some of Ronnie Chang's used underwear. Why are we mentioning this? We actually want to Chang's used underwear. Why are we mentioning this? We actually want to sell tickets. Sorry.

Why are we mentioning this? You don't have to take it. Oh, God. I feel like we should get all of the guests to contribute some underwear to the bank. Let's get some Zave underwear. Let's get some Cody underwear. Look, I don't know if everyone has the same. I feel like it's a crime if we get some Demi underwear.

Oh, yeah. Also coming up, we've got Sydney, November 22nd. We've got 7pm is sold out, 5pm is still on sale, and then a stand-up show at 8.15 on November 22nd. Correct. It's going to be a massive party, so awesome. Come along. Sydney sales have been awesome already, so just keep that going.

Big hometown show for the Christmas season, December 6th, at the European Beer Cafe. All our regular mates. I mean, Melbourne's easy. You guys get it. You know what you're doing. It's going to be so much fun. It's going to be a big party. We're going to stick around for a drink afterwards. But, you know, our live shows, I'm going to say, our live shows are the best

in the podcast business out of everyone in the world. Carl, after six years, I'm going to say this. We're starting to get pretty okay at what we do. Six years? It's not six years. It's got me up on six years. Is it? Nearly, I think so. No, after six years, I'm going to say this. We're starting to get pretty okay at what we do. Is it six years? It's not six years. It's got me up on six years. Is it? Nearly, I think so.

No, it's five years. Who gives a fuck? All right. Bye-bye. Okay, tickets and actual information of how long we've been doing this are available right now, littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll see you out there, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Coming to you live from one of our favourite locations to podcast, a sweet hotel room. Yes, we are in a hotel room and I was just thinking then, we should advertise this hotel because it's the great Dum Dum Club experience. If you want to come to Melbourne, if you came to Melbourne, you want to do the reality tour of a little Dum Dum Club, you could come to, we both run a comedy room each.

You're on a Tuesday, I'm on a Thursday. People will come and see that, see some of the friends of the show on there. And then you could stay here with a beautiful view right out the window of the lovely Westgate Bridge. Oh, yes! I'm sitting on the opposite side of the room, so I've had to yeah, oh man, that is so good.

Well, you know what? If people want to stay, we're at the Parkview Hotel. This will be going out after our guest has vacated the premises. Parkview Hotel, room 609. Wow. Tell you what, get that zero out of the middle. Parkview Hotel, room 609. Wow. Tell you what, get that zero out of the middle. Then we're cooking with gasoline, if you know what I mean. You and your lovely partner stay up in here ordering dinner for two

and just re-drink yourselves. Fuck, this is a good podcast. So good. I love to podcast. All right, let's get into it. We've got two guests today. First of all, making her debut on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a glittering star on the stand-up comedy scene.

On the stand-up comedy scene of Sydney. Yeah. Until now, I didn't know there was one, but yeah, she's great. You might have seen her on Twitter where she puts up some stuff that is just so random. Fuck you. Please welcome to the Little Dumb Numb Club, Becky Lucas. Hello. I'd just like to say first and foremost, I have never listened to this podcast.

Right. You know what? That's good of you to say that on the air because a lot of people, you know, that's the case with most of our guests. No one admits it on the air. Do you know what I mean? It's good for the listeners to know. I'm just very honest.

There's going to be a lot of stuff you won't understand because there's a lot of backstory to this podcast. I can imagine the Westgate Bridge is a suicide reference. I can put it together, I'm very clever. Popular suicide destination in Melbourne that we think is very funny. So it comes up nearly every episode. 69ing gets a bit of a run on here as well.

That's mostly my doing. What was the sex number before 69? 11. Just people being very still. On top of each other. But like in the 1800s or whatever, that would have been raunchy as like, hey, I'm hoping the missus lets me do a bit of the old 11. Yeah, like you're in class, you're in

grade four or something and the teacher goes, the answer is 11. Yeah, standing up, doing it. Standing up Also joining us, you know him from Triple J and from Good Game Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Michael Hing Yes, hello Someone that's listened to the podcast, respect, thank you very much

You can fucking quiz me, I've listened to, I reckon there's been 264 episodes I reckon I've listened to 250 of them I'll now name the ones I did not listen to because I reckon there's been 264 episodes. I reckon I've listened to 250 of them. I'll now name the ones I did not listen to because I hate the guests. Please. The last time you were on the show, all you did was listen to it. Yeah. Because it was with Paul Foote. Can we get some knee pads for Michael Hing?

To be fair, if people have not listened to like an episode or two, it's generally the one that you were on with Paul Foote. Basically, yeah. People have boycotted that. Obviously, because I was shit on that. have not listened to like an episode or two it's generally the one that you were on with poor foot basically yeah people have boycotted that obviously because I was shit on that that's obviously my fault and I apologise

and if you want to hate me on Twitter at Hingers I think it was your ethnicity actually that was a very good episode actually so no we are in your

hotel room which is awesome I love I love hotels so much Hing and I have shared a hotel room before. Oh, really? Oh, we did in Melbourne that time.

That was brutal. Becky brings it up and goes, here's a fun memory that we'll both remember. Ping had no recollection of it. Well, no, because what happened was Becky was homeless and I had a hotel room and I was like, you can sleep over there if you want. And that was all it was.

When you said over there, what were you pointing at? A bed. Your dick. Oh my god. Imagine if that came out today. That we'd had sex. That would never come out. No, we haven't. You're both on a bed at the moment.

Do you want to watch us fuck? Is that what this is called? Finally. It'd be a waste for the podcast. Should we do 11 or 16 of us? And just as you're doing it, just constantly both going, this is a good visual thing for the listeners. This will come up well on the podcast. But I'm actually coming. Great.

How long were you homeless for? It wasn't homeless. I just didn't want to stay at a certain person's house. Name and shame. Because I was almost very nearly homeless this week. Really? I was house hunting. I'd given notice at my old place.

I'd just got a new house in the nick of time and I've moved in. This is news for the podcast. I have a house. Congratulations. That's cool. Hing was one of the first people to stay in there. Michael Hing stayed the night the other night. I flew in and then we tried to pump up

an air mattress and then neither of us could work out how to use the cigarette lighter in your car. So then I slept on your lounge that was like comfortable but very small. So my neck's been fucked for like two days now. Thank you. Well, you're very welcome for the hospitality. Anytime you're in town. Yeah, so I've moved

house and I've got, like, the real estate agent that we deal with for my place is a little weird. Like, I like her, but she's a little bit of a strange person. First of all, when I was going back and forth with her last week about the place, she writes, like, she types her emails out like she's a

15-year-old. Like, she keeps putting you, you know, just this letter you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is like a real estate agent in what is essentially a business email. Yeah. That's a little bit weird. I think when people use language like that, it's almost like a power play. You know, like the higher the ranking, like a boss will send you something

that just goes thanks and there's like a space and a full stop. It's almost like I'm too busy to even care about you to me it's a power play and also it's like you're not you can't call me out on this like you can't make fun of me for having bad yeah whereas someone who's like trying to impress you spends fucking an hour like composing the email and making it look good yeah do you know i mean yeah yeah sure so i think she's power playing you okay well then what about this so then the next thing well i'm already like this this is kind of a weird thing then the next thing is i go in and i get the keys i i sign the lease and do all that this happens on like a friday afternoon we're standing out the front of the real estate office and i go yeah i'm just glad this came through and

now it's like you know i can spend the weekend moving and then it'll all be done and she goes yeah and you've got this great house now and And then she yells, we're on the street. She goes, hell fucking yeah. And I'm like, we're in the street. Like the door to the office is open and like all her co-workers are just all in there. I can see them all going. Is she just swearing at a client? Is that what you call this relationship now?

Very bizarre. Are you hiring your house at Gary Glen Ross? Everyone getting chicken dinners after this? Yeah, it's weird. I also think it's weird that this thing where you go to inspections and the real estate agent's there wearing a suit. It gives a shit. What's this insistence?

You're showing off just this dilapidated five-bedroom shithole in Coburg. You don't need to be wearing a suit out the front when you're letting in a bunch of bohemian dipshits for the inspection You know what I mean? Was this what you were telling me? Or is this someone else that's moving house recently? Where is this a real estate trick where the real estate people rock up to the rental house And then they see like you guys come along dressed like shit

And then they go, yeah, I think I left the keys back in the office I think I forgot the keys They just the office I think I I think I forgot the keys And then just run off And then just went home Really I don't even bother showing them the inside They just go Because whoever

It must not have been you Whoever told me this story said It happened three times Wow So it's like You should wear a suit Take a hint Yeah do something

I didn't have that happen We did have it happen a couple times Where we turned up to an inspection and there was us and, like, a few other people waiting and the agent just never showed up. And, like, we'd call the office and go, what's going on and just get no response. So it could have been that.

The agent could have, like, done a blocky, just kind of gone past the front and gone, nah, fuck this, and just left. It's like a Tinder date. Yeah. But also we went up to all these inspections that were, like, on at three in the afternoon when normal successful people are at work. Yeah. But also we went up to all these inspections that were like on at three in the afternoon when normal successful people are at work. Yeah. So what do you expect? Of course you're getting a bunch of

fire twirlers and people with dreadlocks turning up. I just moved house before I came to Melbourne like the day before and I did a bit in a new show about how my gay housemates having crazy loud sex and it's like driving me mental

and then I turned up to a house inspection and the real estate agent said, I saw your show. So it's so weird because she saw the joke or whatever but then she's now followed me into my real life where I'm like, yeah, I need a solution. And like she's there helping me. It was, you know, like she saw the reality of the bit. Like often that doesn't happen.

Well, when we got off at the place, the real estate agent goes, okay, so yeah, if you want it, you've got it. And I see on your applications here that two of you in the house are comedians. And I'm like. What are you doing putting that on your application? Write down podcaster. Yeah.

Huh? Yeah, that's way more impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slightly. Yeah Yeah Oh that's way more impressive Yeah Slightly

I bet you I bet you Filled it out as like Tommy comedy Or something Oh yeah At Tommy comedy Yeah

I put some YouTube links in there But then I'm like Yeah your reference is Tommy Daslow Actual comedian On Facebook Yeah I go yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah We did Two of us do comedy And she goes Oh well I'll be wanting a few free tickets to the comedy festival then, won't I? It's like, yeah, no worries.

How about we get a free house? Like that's not how anything works. How about you knock a couple of hundred bucks off the weekly rent? Or just buy her tickets to the worst shows. Like get her tickets, you know. Oh, man, but that's very brave of you to put comedian. I know. I do everything I can to not put that sort of stuff out there

Sure, but I have You could say writer, you could say anything Yeah, but I have no other revenue stream to put on there So I had to be like Oh yeah, I get money from cash in hand gigs and stuff You have no revenue stream Yes, exactly It's the only way to justify what's going on with my account

Yeah, I'm in the arts Oh okay, oh right So actually that is a good excuse If you put comedian on there Then they understand When your rent is like Every single week Yeah exactly

That's it A bit of leeway there Start the ball down You know start the Start the bar low Yeah start the bar low I've got heaps of money How much is in your bank account right now?

How much you got on you? In cash Four grand You got four grand That's good How much you got on you right now? How much money you got on you right now? Ten bucks Ten bucks Nice How do you walk around much you got on you right now? How much money you got on you right now? Ten bucks

Ten bucks Nice How do you walk around with ten bucks on you? I Because I've lost I lost my wallet And I had to Cancel my cards

And so now every time I need money I have to go to the branch Right So I will be needing to go to the branch later on Oh like you've got to go in there with your ID Yeah Oh what a How many times have you had to do that so far?

Three times Is it like embarrassing? Because every time you go in You're're like, yeah, I fucked up. I lost my... Yeah, yeah. And then the funny thing is I found my wallet the other day. My friend did that once. He cut up his card to stop himself from spending too much.

Yeah. I think this is also the same friend who, when he got a credit card years ago, I can't remember what, I think it might have been through Virgin, and they had this thing where you could get a card in like one of ten different colours. It was like pick what colour card you want. And he got a pink one because he thought this will stop me spending

excessively because I'll be too embarrassed to get a pink credit card. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, yeah, right, right, right. So you'll be too embarrassed in front of a waiter to pull out. That's a girl's card. Like that's what he thought it was gonna be i had no idea yeah and it didn't stop he he became comfortable with that very

quickly right just yeah just yeah surprise surprise didn't work yeah but a friend did the same thing cut up his card uh to to stop himself from overspending because he's like well i'm just gonna go in and get it that'll you know that'll mean i exercise a bit of discretion and he just didn't he'd just go in there and just get yeah well i better go in and get a grand That'll, you know, that'll mean I exercise a bit of discretion. And he just didn't. He'd just go in there and just get, oh, well, I'd better go in and get a grand. And it's just all gone. Yeah, like real money feels so. It's gone quickly.

Yeah, it's like when you go to a new country and you get their currency and it's like it's not real. Yeah, and you're spending. I always get fooled on the last day. It's like, oh, well, I got all this currency left over. I better just like spend it willy nilly. It's like, no, no, that still exists back home you can get that transferred over this isn't monopoly man you're not running around like a yeah hey um just on real estate agents i've been trying to

work out this bit right about how much i know no no this is this is welcome to dumb dumb open mic you came on one of my other podcasts a video games podcast that i do the other day and you did this exact same thing you just came on this is my other podcasts, a video games podcast that I do the other day, and you did this exact same thing. You just came on and started trying out stand-up material. And it was great. It was great. As long as you got something good out of it. So like, the whole bit is just

about how fucked real estate agents are, right? But to get into it, you kind of... Sweet, topical, edgy, I like it all. Nailing it, right? And to start it up, you just do a bit of chat, you know, asking the audience who was like the what is the worst occupation right yep and in a kind of a show i was doing for fringe i was like oh what is the worst occupation and then someone was like oh dentists and i was like oh why dentists because i meant who are the worst people if you could judge them by their job but

this person was like oh um being a dentist would be terrible they've got a really high rate of suicide i was like oh fuck no you misunderstood the question right because i explained i was like no no i mean like if you could judge a group of people based on like the job they do what would be the worst group of people and then another woman put her hand i was like um rapists i was like, oh, this is fun. I've never done crowd work again. They do have a bad rap.

It's great that you've said job. Yeah, exactly. Like, who's hiring these people? Yeah. I blame the upper management.

They shouldn't be putting on so many people. You know what? This has been a hobby for too long. It's time to go pro. Start earning some income out of this.

Just quickly speaking of weird gigs, I,, last night I did a gig and I got what I would consider to be my first ever conventional heckle in the way that people who don't do comedy have this view of heckling being this really perfect thing where there's a perfect gap in you speaking on stage and then someone in the crowd yells out, you're not funny and the whole crowd hears it and it's very eloquent and perfect. It basically never happens like that.

It's always just heckling is essentially someone really drunk just yelling noise and you can't properly hear it. And so last night I was doing this gig about 35 minutes out of Melbourne, Notting Hill, suburb of Melbourne. gig about 35 minutes out of Melbourne, Notting Hill, suburb of Melbourne. And this guy, it was going, it was a big work group and I was chatting to them and when I was talking about them, they were loving it. And then as soon as I started doing gear, they were just like, well, this isn't about us, fuck this.

Classic. Anyway, there's a pause at one point and the guy who I think was probably the boss of the work group up the back, he goes, have you ever been a sailor? And I go, okay, let's see what's going to happen here. No, I've never been a sailor. And he goes, because you remind me of semen. Good stuff.

Really fantastic stuff. That's funny. How'd that go? I then go, funny story, I actually once upon a time I used to be semen and that semen got shot into something that reminds me a lot of you. Oh. Oh, man. So now we know why this story's been brought up on the podcast. I know.

I was like, ah. I thought I had a good zinger. I was very proud of myself. It was good. I reckon that's what you wished you'd said on the car ride home. Yeah, I drive and I'm going, man, I wish I'd talked about my mum's box on stage. That would have been so much better. Yeah, I'm going to impress my podcast friends tomorrow, I'm going, man, I wish I'd talked about my mum's box on stage. That would have been so much better.

Yeah, I'm going to impress my podcast friends tomorrow, though. Oh, man. I love any story that involves a phrase, and then I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was one of those things where, like, as I was saying it, I was like, oh, I can't believe I'm capable of this kind of, like, I surprised myself. I can't believe I'm saying this man reminds me of my mother's vagina. Did you go into a trance

at around 9pm last night and just sort of have this out-of-body experience and take me over, Carl? Because I think that that's what it was. You were just like, oh, my little buddy's in trouble.

I'd better astral project and go help him. What if that was a superpower that you had? I'm going to use the power of astral projecting to call someone a cunt. In front of 19 other people.

I think I'm using the universe properly. That would be great. That's your X-Men power. All you can do is just possess people, but only when they need to put someone down. That's a great idea for a show. Well, that was the message that we got from... We talked to Ronnie Chang on the podcast

last week, and then we actually recorded that yesterday, and then he did that gig he was talking about in Canberra last night and he messaged through to say that, I don't know why he set himself up like this, but he on stage last night in Canberra said, anyone got any questions about The Daily Show? And someone goes, yeah. What is it?

Great. That is a great heckle I have a bit of follow up from that That's my favourite If you haven't noticed on Facebook This is my favourite thing on Facebook to do as a heckle As a sort of putting someone down Which is if ever anyone draws a picture of someone

And it'll be like They'll draw a picture of Brad Pitt or whatever And my comment is always Oh great picture Who is it? draw a picture of Brad Pitt or whatever, and my comment is always, oh, great picture. Who is it? That's such a specific zinger for artists. If you've got any artist friends on Facebook.

Who are drawing portraits of Brad Pitt? Your artwork is unspecific. Or just even worse, you try and translate it into stand-up and it just doesn't work, so you're heckling going, what was that joke about? Good one. Who's the target? What are you describing? I've got a bit of a follow-up on last week's episode

with Daily Show correspondent slash autism case study Ronnie Chang. So we recorded it at his house and for those people, for you guys who haven't heard it, the episode ended with him giving me a pair of his pants that he now doesn't fit into because he's lost weight. He's a fat man pants because I was there in a pair of jeans with a big rip in the crotch, which annoyed him very greatly, even though he made the decision to sit on the ground right at crotch level and just kept staring, like deliberately kept staring into it.

What I like is that he was talking about he used to be fat. Anyway, you can have my pants now. Totally fair. Totally fair. Totally accurate. You're sitting there with a plate of pastries in front of you. Dig in, baby. Dig in. I refuse to enter this room until they were placed down in front of me.

Yeah, grow into those pants. Get those pastries in you. Well, so we then get to the end and it's like, okay, funny thing. Yeah, these pants. He then insists that I put them on. Like he makes me go and put them on. This sounds like a real creepy audition. He's like, okay, funny thing, yeah, these pants. He then, he insists that I put them on. Like, he makes me go and put them on. This sounds like a real, like, creepy audition. Yeah.

Like, put the pants on. It's like, as far as I can remember. This sounds like the anti-rapist. Put my pants on. Did you fuck celebrity Ronnie Chang? I was saying this to you on the way out, Carl. As far as I can remember, it's the first time I've ever been around to a friend's house and left wearing a pair of their pants.

Yeah. But, gee. Walk of shame after a podcast. I'm in bad shape at the moment, but those pants. So I had to then run from the podcast to go and do, like finish moving out of my old house and give the keys in. So I'm then just walking around in these pants that are way too big for me and they're falling down, like my ass is just continually hanging out.

So you're saying that the biggest Ronnie Chang ever was was bigger than you currently are now? Yeah. Really? When was Ronnie Chang a big guy? I just don't know where it was all going because, like I said, I'm in pretty bad shape at the moment but that was still very baggy on me. And I know he got pretty big but he wasn't, like, obese.

He was just, like, chubby. Yeah, he hides it well. I don't get how those pants. I never noticed that. I've never thought of him as a fat guy. Not saying that you are. Well, no. I mean, it's also about, like, the fact that Ronnie doesn't always talk

about shoveling burgers into his mouth. So I think maybe it's just a branding issue. Yeah, you talk like a fat guy. Yeah, well, he talks about the desserts that he eats. So he talks about putting octopus glitterers into his mouth. So you're saying you're in bad shape at the moment? Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

So what are you saying? How many kilos over are you at the moment? I've never weighed myself. I don't have the scales. It's just how it feels. I've got to, yeah, as of this week. Because also, like, we don't have a fridge at this new place yet and I've weigh myself. I don't have the scales. Okay. It's just how it feels. I've got a – yeah, as of this week. Because also, like, we don't have a fridge at this new place yet and I've been moving.

I've just, like, I eat – Well, surely that would be good. I eat badly at a base level, but I've just been eating worse because there's nowhere to store. So I haven't been prepared. I've just been eating – like, I eat garbage a lot anyway. Like, instead of putting the KFC in the fridge to have tomorrow, you just eat it all at once.

Finish the bucket now. Absolutely. Finish the bucket. Fresh KFC every day. But yeah, like now that I'm, yeah, anyway, I've just, the last couple of days I've just been feeling like absolute shit and going, yeah, something's got to change here. Otherwise I'm perishing soon. We're getting those bloody pastries, mate.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, hey, Michael Hing. Yeah. I already knew this, but I remarked upon it yesterday. I walked past my local news agents And they had

You know What do they call those things Where you have the banners At the front The magazine covers The newspaper covers At the front In the little cages

In the little wires In the cages Yeah yeah yeah Had one of them The latest issue of Cleo And you're on the You're on the cover there Along with others

As nominees of Cleo Bachelor of the Year I thought you meant just Hing solo on the cover there along with others as nominees of Clio Bachelor of the Year. I thought you meant just hing solo on the cover. No. It's spectacular. Finally it's happened. I've been recognised for my beauty in the modelling industry. Clio Man of the Year.

Fuck. Yeah. No, it was awesome. I actually remarked upon it. I crouched down, took a picture of it. A friend of mine is on the cover of Clio. I was very proud. What are people thinking when they see, they walk past a news

agent and they see some hillbilly squatting on the ground, taking a photo of a magazine cover. What was better than the day before I was running down the street trying to take a picture of the guy that was wearing our t-shirt. Running down the opposite side of the street and then pausing

going, that's not a good enough angle. I've got to sprint harder again. I just sprinted three times down the street to take a picture of a shirt that I sent out in the mail seven days before. Why are you having to run to keep up with it? Is he running away from you? Are you in a hot pursuit?

No, I was trying to get a good angle so you could actually see what was written on his shirt because otherwise it was just a man's profile that was wearing a black shirt. Carl Chandler, dumb cunt paparazzi. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, man. So Clio Bachelor of the Year, it hasn't been announced yet.

You're still officially a nominee? Yeah, I'm in the round. I don't think I'm going to win. I think, well, I mean. I'm very modest of you. No. Well, I know because the whole thing's been. I like how you've just kept so still down to earth

throughout this whole process. Fuck off. This might be one of the top 15 men in this country that every woman wants to fuck. I'm just looking in the drawer next to Hing's bed. Here's an acceptance speech that he's typed out. Just says 9-11 was an inside job. That's all it says.

All right, there's another vote for you coming from me. Oh, man. So the nomination process is a fucking scam. The whole thing's a fucking scam. What? Sorry, a sham, I should say, not a scam. A sham. You nominate yourself.

Yeah, you nominate yourself. Oh, do you? No, no, no. I think you do. I think you nominate yourself-ing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, if there's one thing Michael Hing cares about, it's an earnest ranking of single men in Australia.

Good, okay. I'm not even single. I have a girlfriend. We've been dating for like two years. How does that work? Yeah, I know. It's a fucking, well, like, for example. Hang on, did your girlfriend nominate you as a bit of a hint?

No, it's not. When he says how does that work, he doesn't mean you having a girlfriend and being in The Bachelor. He just means you having a girlfriend first off. How does that work? What's it like? It actually kind of has worked out. I don't know how deep you want to go on this,

but it actually has worked out quite well for her because my girlfriend's parents, and she is from Bangladesh, and they're quite conservative Muslims, and so her parents don't approve of our relationship at all. They're just like, no dice. Her mum once described me as, quote, not brown enough. And the dad said, not funny.

He's like, who the fuck's this guy? He's been just commenting on YouTube. I don't like his video games. What a fucking idiot. Cleo, open mic. Thanks, Mr Marble. I love it. That was really good Just to reiterate

This is a great podcast And so My girlfriend When the magazine came out She like Because her parents Were always giving a shit About me

And like You shouldn't be seeing him And blah blah blah We don't approve And she showed them The magazine And was like See

We're not dating He's a bachelor, this is a magazine for bachelors. And her dad was just like, this magazine is sinful and was like, I don't want it in the house and stuff. It was like full on. So how did that work out well for you? What I meant was

Isn't that how you started that story? What I meant was, this is throwing them off the scent. Unless they listen to Dum Dum, in which case, fuck, are you guys big in Bangladesh? I don't know. I think we might be. If they think Cleo's sinful, no, this would be their bad.

Oh, yeah, the Westgate's very funny, yes. That was actually her dad that he was trying to take a picture of. So you're in the midst of, how does it work? Is there a voting process? There's a voting process online. And I heard that – I don't want to mention any names because this story hasn't been verified. But someone who was in a previous round has been accused –

well, the people who organized it told me that they – this person organized like bots on the internet to vote for them. And like – so they were telling me that – so this is what I was told by the people who run it. They were like, just in case, we've had some people before who think it's a real funny idea to do that, but we have ways of checking to see if you're cheating. I'm like, I don't give a shit.

This is a weird thing. And they're like, so usually it's decided by I don't know, let's say like 20,000 votes or something. That's how many total votes there are. This person hired bots on the internet to vote for them and they got two and a half million votes. Like they've just overshot the runway.

I love it. By a fair amount. I like your terminology. He hired bots. Well, I don't know how you do it. Do you buy bots? That's a process. Yeah, I don't know.

You buy bots. Or isn't there just forums you can post on where you go, I'll pay you. Like you can get someone else to do it where you just say, I'll give you $10 for every, you know every whatever, 10,000 votes or whatever it is. Why wouldn't you do that? Why don't you want to be Cleo Bachelor of the Year? Get on to it.

You know what? Let's get the listeners to chip in. Let's get you 4 million bots. Let's wipe the floor with this idiot. Because I don't know. We have a lot of bots that listen. You're big in robot. I don't know.

Big in robot land. Improv. I'm as crystal clear as they were. Suicidal dentists. So like fucking because they saw me do a thing they saw me do this TED talky thing which is like a comedy TED talk thing.

So not a real one. Like a comedy one. You like a comedy TED talk thing. So not a real one, like a comedy one. You reviewing the movie TED. Yeah. And urging for a second one. Oh, you got that up, hey? Yeah, if you could tell. Yeah, him and his bots said they'd all go watch it.

If you had 12 minutes to tell everyone in the world one thing, what would it be? There needs to be a sequel. And so they saw me do that and they were like, oh, we need to get him for this thing, right? And so they sent me an email being like, do you want to be part of this? And I was like, this is very, very funny. You know, because it's like I know what I am.

Like I'm not part of this. You know what I mean? Like everyone else in there are like these big buff dudes and like AFL players and, you know. Now let me step in. It is a funny idea to think that you could possibly be the Bachelor of the Year where your own girlfriend is trying to convince her parents that you're not going out. That's not a catch.

What have you got, Becky? I was just going to say this is what I don't like about this story. You are, and I loathe to say it, but a good-looking person. Yes! Do you know what I mean? One vote. That's a vote officially. Thank you.

Yeah, I'll log on. So I feel like when you're telling this, you're like, I'm just the underdog. But it's like, no, you're a good-looking, you deserve to be there. So you should be judged with them as, you know, you shouldn't get special points. I'm not trying to get special points.

I'm saying, though, that, though that when you look at everyone else in the thing they're all like hunks they're like surfer dudes but take your shirt off right now sure some peen what have you got that would be good if it came out that's how the bachelor of the year is actually judged

just on who's got the most beautiful dick show me dat peen they get a special guest judge in every year. She just sits in a room. They all walk in one by one. They whip it out and then she's like, yep, this is the winner. But at first they go, hey, how would you change the world? And you have to answer that.

Yeah. Show me dat peen. Oh, yeah, it should be Miss Universe style. Yeah, yeah, I reckon. Talent round. There should be questions. Bikini round. Okay, the final question.

If 9-11 wasn't committed by Osama Bin Laden, as is the popular theory, how do you think it happened? This is a genuine question. So what, is it called DNA? Is DNA the gay magazine? Yeah, I think, yeah. They are missing a trick if they do not have a competition called

Confirmed Bachelor of the Year. Surely. That's a genuine idea. You should ask old mate Joel Creasy, who's been, I think, on the cover of DNA magazine, like solo photo shoot in one of his buffer moments. Yeah, you should ask the only gay person that you know. My dad.

No, sorry, Joel. But like Bachelor of the Year, I reckon it should be like the opposite. It shouldn't be like the buffest, most good-looking person. They should actually find the ugliest person they can find because they are the true Bachelor of the Year because they had confirmed that they are getting no one. Like a couch potato kind of like just fucked guy. Yeah, the most fucked guy.

With one of those hats with beers on the side. Yeah, because that guarantees they will not have a girlfriend for the entire year. Forever. Anyone with a full hairline, immediately disqualified. Anyone under the weight of about what, 90 kilos, they're disqualified. Are you campaigning for yourself? Yes, I am.

Sorry, I need to spew up. Is this legit? This isn't a bit. No, okay, Becky's just gone to have a spew. She actually is spewing. Oh, wow. Was it all that chat about that pain?

Maybe. This is the first time we've ever had a guest vomit on the show. We're going to get the gain up on that mic, see if we can pick any of it up. I don't think she brought the mic into the bathroom. No, that's why I'm having to get the gain. Wow, okay. Well, we can talk I'm having to get the gang to sit. Wow, okay. Well, we can talk less about Michael King if you like, Becky. No, yeah, I love that Becky was like, no, you're a good-looking guy,

and then 30 seconds later has run into the bathroom to vomit. I personally, every time I've felt violently ill and been vomiting, I've always just wished there'd be three guys just sitting outside the door of the bathroom continuing to do a podcast. Yeah, well, all right. Fuck. Are you all right, Becky? No, yeah, I just had too much to drink.

So this was a hangover spew, not a... I'm not pregnant. Do you want some gum? Yeah, sure. There you go. Have we turned this off? No. No.

Oh, fuck. I mean, that's great content. Why would we turn it off? Yeah. Oh, I had I mean, that's great content. Why would you turn it off? Yeah. Oh, I had too many beers last night. What happened? I had too many beers last night. Well, I saw you on Wednesday night and you had too many,

I think you had too many beers that night as well. Yeah, I've had a lot of drinks. I've been drinking a lot in Melbourne. You get down in Melbourne to do a week of gigs. It feels like you're treating it like a bit of a booze cruise at the moment. This is an O-week, you realise. We're going to be friends

forever. No, I don't know. I've just been drinking a lot. I should probably... The drink. It's nipping at my heels. Keep chewing gum right onto the mic. Get nice and nice and salivary. Actually worse than you spewing into the mic.

I hate when you hear someone sucking on a lozenge. But they insist on continuing to talk. Why are you listening to people suck on lozenges? You know when people suck on, it's like when people in movies eat. Every time they talk, every time they talk, they just take a bite.

And I said to him, I'm not doing it. And they've still got food in their mouth. It's like no one does that. People swallow and then they talk. Yeah, when it's like a whole scene takes place over lunch. You have lunch with a friend, there's a couple minutes there where you're just both eating. Yeah, no one's like, leave him.

Like still chewing. I like this movie that you're in. It sounds good. I like the dialogue. What about you? Are you one of those people that, I'll have this sometimes, where you're eating something that's like, or drinking something and you go, oh, well, I have to sit down. We can't walk from here to there whilst I'm eating or drinking.

Some people don't like to eat and drink on the run. Like while they're walking? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like it. Oh, really? No. Why would you? You can take it home or you can sit down.

But if you're in a rush, you do it, right? You just commit and go. Oh, yeah, sure. I like it all. It's a sweet combination of being nourished and getting from A to B. I would drink a drink. Together at last. Yes. But if you have a burger and you're walking along, that's B. I would drink a drink. Together at last. Yes. But if you have a burger and you're walking along, that's horrible.

No, that's perfect. It depends on the food, right? Like burger is I think fine or wrap is fine sandwich. Like spaghetti or whatever is fine. Buff I eat harder. Like if I'm in a rush, like if I've really, you know, time's blown out, then I'll do it if I have to. But I don't like it.

In my head I'm like I've fucked this to. But I don't like it. In my head I'm like, I've fucked this up. Like I can't even eat dinner properly. Like I'm having to eat this burger on the walk to the gig. I will do that with McDonald's. You do it by choice. Burger, fries and drink all like huddled together in my arm. Like a baby. That is a nightmare.

That is a nightmare to me. I should get a pram for it. You drive a bit, right, Das? Yeah. So what percentage of your – I wouldn't say I drive a bit. I mean, I have a licence and I own a car and I can drive. Okay. So what percentage of your meals do you eat in the car?

Oh, I never eat in the car. Oh, really? No, I hate it. I reckon I eat maybe two thirds of my meals in my car. Yeah, I imagine your car would smell like chips. Yeah. Honestly, like... It still does even though there's never been any in it. That's just from the oil you're sweating out there. That's just from the oil you're sweating out there. That's just from his little pine tree deodorizer.

Which you can buy at TommyDuslow.com. Yes, that's a great merch idea. We should. A big chip. Hot chip scent. Scratch and sniff is just my little head. Then just oil starts secreting out of my clothes. Why is that more disgusting than the sound of a woman vomiting a minute ago?

At the risk of Becky being sick again, if we can creep back towards Michael Higley and Cleo Batchelor. Here's a thing that I think is kind of funny. I got excited because you know how as a comedian you're always trying to... You nominated yourself. You're in there now. Obviously nominated myself. But then you're always looking for approval from your parents.

And it's so hard to be like, oh, mum, I did this cool gig or whatever because I'm like, oh, mum, I was on Dum Dum Club. They don't know what that fucking thing is, right? And so it's hard to like – They don't know what that fucking thing is. They don't know what that piece of shit fucking content is. But like so the things that I think are cool aren't necessarily the cool things that they were, right?

So I thought maybe this is a thing that I think is kind of funny that my parents will be like, at least they recognize what it is. And I'll be like, oh, you're doing all right. You're a news agent. Exactly. That's something. So I printed out the email. I came home and was talking to mom and dad.

And they had a friend over, some friend of theirs, some guy, some middle-aged guy. and they had a friend over, like some, I don't know, some friend of theirs, some guy, some middle-aged guy. And I don't know if my mum said this to, like, make him laugh or if it was, like, legit just her reaction. But I was like, oh, this thing. I got nominated for Cleo of the Bachelor of the Year. It's pretty dumb, but I don't know. Fuck.

And then mum, in front of my dad and her friend, said, yeah, but they have to get, you know, an Asian in there to prove they're not racist. Fuck off, mum. I want your mum on this podcast. My mum is brutal. That's awesome. Yeah, so anyway, then I had to go do, I don't know.

I thought this would be like a funny, ironic thing, you know, but I don't know. I had to go do a photo shoot for it. Because this is traditionally, I would have said this is traditionally the role. There's always like a comedian or two, but usually one comedian. So the shoots that I've seen have always been like lifesavers and whoever it is, movie stars, TV people,

and they've all got the shirts off and then you're the guy by the side of the pool with the shirt on. Yeah, basically. With the board shorts. In a really nice expensive polo shirt, but it's still on. Or in a floaty, like an inflatable thing that covers the tongue. Doing something wacky and crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I was like. You're the guy in school that when you went to swimming lessons, I'd like to keep my shirt on if that's cool. I'm wearing two rash shirts. Last one in has body issues. Fuck, man. Yeah, so they wanted me to do a photo shoot for it, which is part of the issues. Fuck, man. Yeah, so they wanted me to do a photo shoot for it, which is part of the deal. And I thought

I was like, oh, well, I can do something funny and like, I don't know, just trying to be funny. So I emailed the lady back and I was like, I have some ideas on how I want this to go. And I said to her, I'm in a Dungeons and Dragons podcast and I'd like to get dressed up. Sorry, the line's breaking up. We're going to have to...

And I was like I'd like to dress up as a warlock would you like me to bring my own cape you are the most clueless person I've ever met

I was like because I thought it'd be fucking I don't know man I was like I'm struggling I feel awkward about this whole

fucking thing but I was like is this whole thing an insurance job are you trying to actually get kicked off yeah yeah yeah it's the equivalent

of burning down your own business yeah get the arson money. Hello, Zoo Weekly. I've got this great webcomic about Super Mario. Wondering if there's any room in there to get it in? And so she just emails me back, like completely, and it's that email where she's deleted all of the previous emails

in the chain, and it just says, can you please bring some jeans and a white T-shirt? I'm like, oh, right, like just completely ignoring. Right, right, right. Well, no, the worst one on that, have you ever had this, the email chain thing where you've emailed a person, they've then forwarded it on to other people and had a bit of a discussion about you.

Yeah. And then come back to you. Oh, man, they reply. Not realising that the whole chain is in there. Yeah, it's brutal. So you get, hey, yeah, that sounds great. We can do that. And then you just scroll down a bit.

It's like, this fucking idiot must be out of his mind. He thinks we're going to do that. He's plus 44 fuckwit skills. Dungeons and dunk hunts. She probably has a spam filter that just filters out nerds. Yeah, they're just trying to figure out a way of flushing your head down the dunny on the internet. Just out trying to bully me in the photo.

That would be great for the photo shoot. Like the Bondi vet or whoever else is in it. With your head in the dunny. Yeah, that's great. So then it's like the next page is... No, the photo shoot should be some actor flushing your head down the toilet, but then the Bondi lifesaver is like saving you from the toilet.

Resuscitating you. I'm just a prop. I'm just a prop. Yeah, you're the prop in every other photo. So it's like someone saving a damsel in distress from a burning building and it's just you in drag being carried out in the arms of some ripped young dude. Oh, man. And then the lifeguard is saving you from drowning

because you're Asian. What is that? Is that a joke? That is actually a thing, you know. So is that an Asian people can't swim joke or is that a boat people joke? I don't know which. It's an Asian people can't swim.

It's not that Asian people can't swim. It's just that Australia has the highest amount. Like we have, because it's so close to Asia, we have so many people who come to Australian beaches. And it's tourists. Stealing our beaches, taking our women. No, it's tourists that just don't know how to swim. Oh. They just don't.

Really? We have, like, the craziest rips in the world. Like, the beach is so strong. And so a lot of Asian tourists come. Get caught in the. Get caught. But we just have a high. Come out here.

That's fine. You don't have to learn the language, but learn the fucking doggy tale. That's all I ask. I mean, Jesus Christ. It's just, yeah, it's not racist. It's just a numbers game. It's not racist if it's true. Calm down.

What did you say? I've never heard the phrase killer rips before. No, it was crazy rips. Crazy rips. Like a... It's just Becky Lukens. I like the idea of it, just you see, you're on a beach, you see a young Asian man getting caught in a...

just getting swept away into the... Crazy rips. Into the abyss. You come past on a surfboard like, whoa, that's another crazy rip. And I help him because I'm not racist. I wouldn't let a man drown. I don't care what... So, yeah, the next thing thing I had to go to a photo shoot for it

And I turn up In your white t-shirt In your sensible slacks And they Fuck man this is just real sad But no one else is there It's just like me and all the magazine staff But all the magazine staff but all

the other contestants or whatever aren't there yet and again like i'm thinking this is like some funny this is gonna be a funny ironic joke i'll be able to like make hilarious quips about it i don't know i'll maybe get a story out of it or some shit yeah i did and um i walk in the first thing they told me to do is like take off they're like oh can you take off your shoes i'm like oh what why and they're like oh we won't be shooting your feet just take off your shoes? I'm like, oh, why? And they're like, oh, we won't be shooting your feet. Just take off your shoes and get rid of your socks as well. I'm like, okay. And then they go, oh, can you stand in that kiddie pool?

And I was like, oh, why am I standing in a kiddie pool? And then the director's like, oh, you didn't. It's a wet T-shirt. It's a wet T-shirt shoot. Oh, wow. And I was like, oh, is it? I didn't know. And so now I'm standing in this kiddie pool

and there's like a 19-year-old girl there with like a bucket full of water. And then the director comes up to me again. She's like, oh, look, just try not to react to the water. And I'm like, excuse me? She's like, because we're going to throw the water on you and then we're going to take photos and just try to like not react.

Just very quickly, this is how Dilawawook Joe Singer bathes in the morning. So I'm standing there in this kiddie pool and there's a 19-year-old girl. I don't know how she looks. It's something like kind of 19, 20-year-old girl just like throwing a bucket of water at me. Great. And I'm just getting splashed in the face. I didn't know there was male wet t-shirt competition. So what's the point of that?

Well, if you're a muscly guy, it probably shows up your muscles. Okay, sure. I'm forgetting people have muscles. It's been so long since I've seen any in my direct field of view. So I'm getting literally bucketed in the face. In the face, she's missed the point of the wet t-shirt competition. She hated you. Immediately. She's trying She hated you. Immediately.

She's trying to drown you. Fuck off. And I'm like trying to wipe it out of my eyes and they're like taking all these photos and I'm like just getting water in the face and then the director keeps coming up to me. She's like holding my head under in the bucket. She didn't know what she was doing.

And the director keeps coming over to me and she's like, hey, can you just like really try not to react to the water? Like you are throwing a bucket of water at my face. That's not something that's easy to not react to. No, I'm reacting to the bucket, not the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we do three or four of those and they go, oh, can you put on some rap music?

So they say, can you put on some music to relax it? And they put on some loud rap music. I thought you said they were saying that to you. Can you get off your fucking ass and go turn the stereo on don't get the stereo wet though yeah so this goes on for like 15 minutes it's just like

throwing a bucket of water and I'm like I can't I'm just getting hit in the face with water I'm like it's getting behind my glasses getting caught in my eyes

it's like cold as well it's not like warm water my glasses yeah exactly do you know what I mean this is like I'm so fucking out of place here I'm like it's so demeaning.

Like, can you imagine, like, you think to yourself, oh, this thing will be, like, good for my career maybe. I don't know. And then you turn up and they're just, like, throwing water at you. Yeah, yeah. My calculator. Exactly.

My pocket protector. My asthma meds. Mum, mum, come help me. Oh, wait, mum's throwing water at my face as well now. Mum's got the hose. She's just hosing me down. You're squealing. And then they go, all right, well, that was what the white T-shirt was for.

And they go, oh, well, you need to do a couple of other things. There's like a couple of different stations you've got to go to. And they're like, you should change your clothes now. So now I've got to like, and there's no changing area. So there's like a room full of like 25 magazine staff and they're all like fashion magazine people. So they're all like sort of beautiful, you know, glamorous people. And I've got to like get out of like these wet jeans and T-shirt

in front of them. Just like. Really? Just like stripping down to my fucking jocks. And then they gave me like a towel and like a shirt to put on. And I'm like, you know, again, like I feel weird because I'm a skinny, gross dude and these women are all staring at me just like nodding,

like shaking their heads. Well, that's what you signed up for when you nominated yourself. Exactly. Really, I brought this up on myself by actively campaigning for this nomination. You're getting changed in front of all your millions of bots that you've bought. And then you've got to go do the interview bit. Can I just say, just very quickly,

to give another point of view to this story. So you're complaining non-stop about this photo shoot. You're kicking up a big stink about it. Think about these people that have had to spend a whole day. They're all going, fuck, I wish we could just get a photo of him with his shirt off you know what I mean? Like this is a pain in the ass for them too. Like the fact that

you're not in shape so they can just go get the shirt off, get the photo of the abs great. They're going, oh fuck these ones are always the worst do something else he's complaining like yeah this is a pain in the ass for us. Yeah, the hems were through in five minutes ago.

That was awesome. It took three seconds. This guy's like, I'm cold. There's water in my eyes behind my glasses. He's just telling us all about his mum issues when no one asked him. Christ. So then in the interview, they sit down, they film it, and they're asking all these questions like

but I think the questions are like really geared to like me because they're like. What's wrong with you? Can you put your shirt back on? Yeah. They're like, man, why are you, why did you take your pants off? The first thing they asked me was like, what's it like to be stuck in the friend zone? Oh, nice.

Not, not have you ever been. Yeah. It was like it like tell us what it's like is this because you tried to fuck the photographer during the session basically i was like you think i'm single i'll prove it to you let's go right now um one of the questions was do you like dungeons or dragons or dumb cunts what is your favorite one like so there's just brutal question after brutal question Like, you know Do you feel a bit out of place? I'm like, yes, of course I feel out of place here

They were polite But patronising, I guess, is the best way to explain it How did you answer the friendzone question? Because I imagine you have some feminist persuasions It's like, the friendzone doesn't exist So you answered it like that I put my finger up like you did I was like, oh, my finger's fine But actually the friendzone is a political thing It doesn't exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, I answered it like that. Yeah, yeah. I put my finger up like you did. I was like, oh, I think you'll find that actually the friend zone

is a political thing and doesn't really exist. Yeah, I was pretty insufferable about it. I mean, insufferable slash earnest. That's hard to believe. Guys, actually, I've got some earnest political opinions. Shut up. No, that's cool. Yeah, and so then.

Did you have to be, like, it was all one-on-one photo shoots or were you part of a big, like, you know, that vanity fair sort of big spread where you're all in one picture? This is the thing, right? They got me to get there at like 8 o'clock in the morning, right? And I was like, that's really early. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, we just need to, right? And I didn't realize this, but they booked all the other guys

for like everyone else is in a separate shoot. So there's just one for me because I'm a fucking weirdo gross nerd I just don't believe it everyone else is in a separate chute so like I'll explain it later but basically like there are

when I came back okay I'll get to that but like I come out of that and then they go alright next thing the whole thing is sponsored by the movie Magic Mike XXL. Oh, wow. And so this next bit is like a stripping bit. Oh. And so I didn't have it.

My shirt, my T-shirt that I brought was wet. So they gave me like a button-up shirt. They were like, leave it open though. And then there's like fans blowing and they wanted me to like dance and do stripping moves. It's a nightmare. Yeah, right? And I'm not a dancer.

Like I don't know how to dance. And again, I'm thinking to myself, I'll be really funny. This will be really funny. This will be a great joke. But it is a hard thing because when you go, I didn't sign up for Clio Bachelor of the Year to act. Oh no, that's exactly what happens. I'm thinking to myself, I'll be able to like make some funny asides

or something. I don't know. I don't know what I was fucking thinking. But you just always... I don't know if you've ever done... Kyle, I don't know if you've ever done anything, an audition you've regretted or something. Go on.

So you're there thinking that this is going to be... You're going to be able to make something positive out of this. Just take the opportunity, right? Yes. Because it's a fucking struggle and you just need to take what you can get. Yes. But once you're there

and I'm trying to make all these funny comments, like none of them, none of the funny things I'm saying are coming up in like the... No one's writing them down. Yeah, yeah. And they're not coming up in like the high contrast black and white photos

that they're going to put on the internet, right? Yeah, weirdly your jokes aren't turning up inside a photograph. Yeah, in that way it's the opposite of a podcast. I've been in that position a little bit too where you go in and you go, well, this is funny to me. I'm just going to muck around and make jokes about the situation and it's the opposite of a podcast. I've been in that position a little bit too where you go in and you go, well, this is funny to me. I'm just going to muck around and make jokes about the situation.

And it's not flying because everyone there is going, this is our fucking job. Yeah, exactly right. This is our passion. This is what we want to do. Sorry this is a fun little excursion. Sorry this isn't as good as an unpaid five at Sploom. Yeah, well, you talk about your cock a bit on stage,

you get a couple of laughs, you fucking idiot. So, oh, man. So then I'm stripping while they're, like, blowing the fan at me and stuff and just there's a room full of just very disappointed people, like, not enjoying it at all. And then there's a second questionnaire where they're like, you need to tell the camera, like, why people should vote for you. And so I was like, okay, at least this,

I'm going to have a chance to say something weird. So they're like're like uh just i say to the camera i'm like all right um hi uh my name is michael uh i'm a comedian and you should vote for me because i desperately need this like i i need this right and i was like that'll be like a fun no and then the director comes over to me and she's like, hey, can we do another one of those that's a little bit less needy? I'm like, no, we got it. So that's the clip they've put up with me. I'm kind of happy about that because at least it's weird and creepy, right?

It'll be funny. I don't know. Fuck, man. I'm just grasping at straws. I'm like, anything, anything. Yes, I'm just thinking the Cleo readership. Do they do irony? I don't know. I mean, I'm in too deep, anything. Yes, I'm just thinking the Cleo readership, do they do irony? I don't know.

I mean, I'm in too deep. I can't tell. So then when I come out again, it's now like nine o'clock. This whole thing's taken an hour. And I realised that they got me to come in an hour early before they started the actual one. How is the story about this taken longer than the actual event? So then it's called Walkers.

And then there's like 25 other guys who are lined up and they're all like buff and they're all like doing push-ups to make themselves look bigger and shit. Oh, nice.

And they're all lining up at the kiddie pool. Do push-ups work that quickly? I think, they do. Yeah, I think if you do a bit of exercise you look toned.

Yeah, you look a bit buff. Weird that Tommy Dass was asking about do push-ups work? I've read about them. When they bucket, when they throw buckets of shit at Tommy, it's just chicken. Isn't it?

Just raw chicken? Yeah, yeah. And the blood is just dripping down. Oh, God. Fuck. Salmonella. Fuck. Tommy's going for take five bachelor of the year.

The prize is $25 And so there's like these massive buff hunk dudes lined up And the same girl who was bucketing me before with water She's now got like a big tub of like Crisco oil or some shit And she's like rubbing down their arms and shit to make them look all shiny I didn't get that. Yeah, you just look slippery. Why did I get that?

I just look sweaty. Yeah. And then they're one by one like standing in the kiddie pool and getting like bucketed. And they're doing it perfectly. They're all like staring off in the middle distance and it's hitting them and it's just rolling down their wet like T-shirt chest and it's just, you know, they look amazing.

And I just realized that like this isn't a fun like there's no way anyone's gonna find this funny at all like it's gonna be in the magazine they're gonna look like hunk hunk hunk they're gonna look at me and they're like what the fuck is this guy doing here yeah and i'm not even gonna get like the points for being like a funny joke comedian in there because they're gonna it's gonna look like i'm earnestly wanting to be a part of this thing you know and i was like i've lost it all i've lost everything like these are all issues that you should have thought of when you nominated yourself.

Yeah, I shouldn't have. Did you have to create a username and password to make an account to nominate yourself? Yeah, I had to do it two million times because of the bots. Who are you up against? Is there any notable names? Larry Emder's son. Oh, really?

I don't know what his name is, but he's Larry Emder's son. It would be so much cooler if it was just Larry Emder. Yeah, it'd really? I don't know what his name is, but he's Larry Emder's son. It would be so much cooler if it was just Larry Emder. Yeah. It would be great. I hope you win. There's no chance. Really? And there's a bunch of AFL players and personal trainers

and a bunch of tradies and stuff who have good bodies. Love a tradie. Yeah. Who's the closest to you? Is there anyone that's in any form close to your body shape? I think it's me and then a bunch of... I mean, I haven't looked at all the photos? I think it's like me and then a bunch of – I mean, I haven't looked at all the photos, but I think it's me and then a bunch of us.

Yes, you have. How many guys? 25? 25 or 30, something like that. Yeah, yeah. But, okay. Sorry, I'll wrap this up. Sorry, I'm just taking so long.

But I'm just there staring at these people and thinking, this is fucked. And I, under my breath, just go, oh, fuck. And then the director, like like came over to me while they're either way shooting other people and she goes oh michael don't look at the other bachelors that won't make you feel good at all she gets it yeah so uh that was the uh it's like your mom in disguise you shouldn't have dropped out of uni So that was the... Is that your mum in disguise? Yeah, she's like, I was with you all along, you shithead.

You shouldn't have dropped out of uni. Oh, wow. Yeah, so that was a brutal, brutal day at the photo shoot. So how long away do we find out whether your bots have worked or not? I think it's in November, I think, it closes. So we've got a couple of weeks now, I think. Bizarrely enough, that was all very similar to my experience at the photo shoot for the Better Homes and Gardens Bachelor of the Year.

It's pushing a wheelbarrow around. You're in Clio Magazine. I've been the subject of quite a few letters to Dolly Doctor, so we've got that in common. This old man fucked me without a condom. Am I pregnant? Fuck. Fuck. This old man fucked me without a condom and I'm pregnant now. Fuck.

Fuck. Oh, man. Well, guys, I think that's just about all the time we have for the Little Dum Dum Club for this week. Becky, Lucas, Michael, Hing, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Thanks for keeping the rest of your breakfast down, Becky. Sorry about the spew.

How'd you find it? First time on the Dum Dum Club. How'd you find it? Would you come back? Yeah, I'd love to come back. Excellent. We'll have you back for sure. Oh, Becky. Sorry about the spew. How'd you find it? First time on the Dumb Dumb Club. How'd you find it? Would you come back? Yeah, I'd love to come back. Excellent. I'll be back for sure. Oh, cool.

Apparently it's a great weight loss technique for you. I'll eat all my chocolate cake before. What have you got coming up? Anything coming up that you'd like to plug? Not really. I have a newsletter that I do weekly that if anyone wants to go. Just go to my Twitter if you like me, I guess. At BeckyLucas89.

Yeah, it is. For Becky and all the festivals and stuff next year. Yeah, very great stand-up comedian, Becky Lucas. Thanks very much. Thanks for having me. Michael Hing, what have you got? If you're interested in voting, no, don't. Yeah, do it.

No, do it. Vote for Michael. Let's get you up there. Let's get you to win. No, if you want to listen to my Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Give the bots a day off. Yeah. Put a proper vote in.

The Dungeons & Dragons podcast is called Dragon Friends. We're doing live shows in Sydney and Melbourne. I can't imagine there's any podcast listeners that are into Dungeons & Dragons. Yeah, I cannot imagine. There's no crossover at all. So get along for that. Oh, and watch Good Game, I guess, if you want. Oh, whatever.

Oh, you're on ABC's Good Game? Yes, on the online site. Video game. Now, this intrigues me. I know we're getting to the end of this thing, but it does intrigue me. What you said last night is, at the moment, you're in Melbourne. You're being put up in a hotel for Good Game.

You're doing live shows somewhere. Yeah, at the convention. You're doing stand-up about video games. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be real specific. Yeah. And it's going to go hard and deep. It's going to be real specific. Yeah. And it's going to go hard and deep. I'm going to basically talk about StarCraft,

the video game StarCraft, for about six minutes and we'll see how specific I can go before I lose the crowd. Wow, I'm intrigued by this. That's cool. I don't know how that would go. King got me a media podcast for our video games... Media podcast. Media pass for our video games podcast that we do.

We're actually going down together after this and I've got to say, going to a video games expo, I we're actually going down together after this and I gotta say going to a video games expo I'm looking forward to being in a room where I'm one of the most in shape guys

in the old self esteem can you imagine if you get there and it's not like it's just bachelor all over the like all over again and you're just like

wait we're all these buff dudes all these people playing Mario Kart with buckets of water being poured over we've got our live shows on sale Sydney Adelaide Melbourne People playing Mario Kart with buckets of water being poured over them. We've got our live shows on sale.

Sydney, Adelaide, Melbourne, littledumbdumbclub.com. We've got the t-shirts up there. Yeah, leave us a review. iTunes, do all that stuff. We're on Facebook and Twitter. Get onto that. Yeah. Thanks very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. I didn't know to do that do a spew