The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 270 - Live! Joel Creasey, Anne Edmonds, Dilruk Jayasinha, Demi Lardner, Josh Earl, Geraldine Hickey

Episode Date: December 8, 2015

Reverse Stories, Broken Scales and Cardboard Cutouts. Recorded LIVE at the European Bier Cafe on December 5, 2015.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mate! Welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club live Christmas spectacular. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us and standing next to me, the other half of the show, my best friend Carl Chandler. Merry Christmas, dickhead.

Very good content so far. Can we turn my mic on? Cool. Just a, you know, it's like Christmas. You know, it's an annual thing. Can someone fucking turn my mic on? Cool. Yeah. Oh, it's a Christmas expectation at this point of our show.

It's a Christmas miracle where we have tech that goes fucking right. So, yeah. Not a lot of laughs so far. You know what I think we should do? I think we should put these cunts on notice. All right. You are way behind what I was thinking. So...

Melbourne. Hey... Melbourne. Hey, Melbourne. We're back doing a show in Melbourne. We've been going interstate. They've been really good interstate. What are you cunts got? Someone on their phone already in the third row. Really good stuff.

Yeah. Someone's put a Minion toy on this seat over here. That's weird of us to concentrate on the negative like that, to block out the 180 other people and just look at the one person who's bored. Two empty seats in the front row, I'm going to kill myself. There actually is. Fuck.

Why isn't there someone? Why doesn't anyone want to sit in the front row? There's all these people at the bar. Why don't you guys move over? This guy's just here by himself. How do you think he's meant to feel? You've created a zone of two empty seats next to him. Telling him, not only do you not want to sit next to him, you really don't want to sit next to him. Two gaps.

Hey, let's, you know what? Boy germs ends here, all right? You know what I love, actually? We've sold heaps of tickets to this show. Thank you, everyone that's come. But what I actually really like is that 30 people have bought tickets and haven't turned up. That's fucking free money.

That's people that forgot that Stereo Sonic was on the same day. No, that's people that, to be fair, heard the last two podcasts when you said, oh, the show's on Sunday. It's a Saturday, you fuckhead. Yeah. Let's turn up here tomorrow and see who turns up. We'll be playing to 30 people. Yeah. Let's turn up here tomorrow and see who turns up. We'll be playing to 30 people. Yeah.

Let's just take them out for lunch or something. There'll be a lot more empty seats than fucking there. So last night I had a weird thing happen where you frequently are bumping into people in the street who see this show. Yes. Listen, who see this show. Fuck. Do I know what I'm doing up here?

Do I have any idea what this is? No, one of those two didn't turn up. Fuck. Do I know what I'm doing up here? Do I have any idea what this is? No, one of those two didn't turn up. Fuck. You are frequently bumping into people in the real world who listen to this show. Last night I had a record. I was out of the house, I went for dinner and then I went for a friend's birthday drinks.

I bumped into three separate people who listen to this show, just randomly people who approached me. What did they say? Well, I had... So I'll go in reverse order, right? So the last one that happened was... Please. No, because, like, the first one...

Why do we give a fuck what order they were at? Just make up whatever. I don't care. Having a real good time with my best friend. I hope so. No, yeah, keep going. so. Yeah, keep going. Yeah, no, keep going. What else have I done wrong?

Pardon me for being funny. Actually, that picture there where he was like that and I was drinking, that actually looked like a ventriloquist act. So if someone can take a picture of that. So this guy came up to me at the bar that I was at and he goes, I'm just at the bar and he just walks up and he goes, no Jennys. And I'm like, what? And he goes, you know, no Jennys.

And I'm like, man, I don't get what's going on. And he goes, you know, like Rad Dad. And like, I don't know, this maybe says something about the lack of faith that I have in people listening to this show, but I thought he meant genitals. Like, I don't know, this maybe says something about the lack of faith that I have in people listening to this show, but I thought he meant genitals. Like, I thought... Don't you try and show me your dick at this bar.

I've heard what you're like. And then he goes, oh, I really like the podcast. I'm like, cool, man. Oh, great. Are you going to come tomorrow? And he goes, no. Earlier in the night... Yeah, he's right there. There he is. Earlier in the night, I'm at a bar getting some food.

So actually, what does that actually mean, no Jennys? Like, you know, the character that I play in Rad Dad. Yeah, but why no Jennys? I think he was trying to be like, no Jennys allowed in this bar. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. Okay, all right. That you're not getting it should make me feel like less of a dumb cunt. But no.

Then earlier in the evening I was at a bar and this guy just next to me goes, are you Tommy Daslow from the Little Dumb Dumb Club? And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, I really love the podcast. And I go, oh, are you coming tomorrow? And he goes, what's tomorrow? So that was good. But the best part of the night was when I was on my way to the city.

Keep in mind, this is in reverse order. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So this is episode one. Jar Jar Binks is in this one, all right? It feels like we're in Pulp Fiction. It's all been played in different order, guys. So confusing.

Oh, no, I'm coughing it hello Tim not a creature was stirring not even a Tim it was a Tim before Christmas I was on the tram and I was just about the doors had just opened I was just about to get off

it was my stop I had my headphones in this guy taps me on the shoulder and he goes hey man I love the podcast, I wish I could give you some chocolate mousse, I can't, I'll give you this instead. He reaches into his bag, he had like a shoulder bag on, that was like, for whatever reason was just full of bottled water, like just hands me a bottle of water and goes, so have this instead. So already

there's a lot of questions, this guy's just traveling around, like he's on his way to, I don't know, audition to be an Uber driver or something, like there's, why of questions. This guy's just travelling around. Like, he's on his way to, I don't know, audition to be an Uber driver or something. Like, why else would you just have heaps of bottles of water on you? And it was like I was just getting off the tram, so I just took it and went, oh, thanks, man. And I'm walking down the street. I'm like, oh, that was nice to meet that guy.

And you know what? It's a hot afternoon. I am pretty parched. I'm going to treat myself to some water. So I open the lid. Water treat? Man, I fuck knows what you got for Christmas as a kid. Jesus.

Cancer. Anyway, I... I Ladies and gentlemen that was the comedy of Tommy Dasolo Firstly I would have re-gifted it Anyway I'm walking down the street with this sweet bottle of water and i go to i go to open the lid i hadn't like properly looked at the label as it turns out it was like sparkling water i thought it was just still and it had been previously what a twist like so i open it and he's i don't know what he's done to this bottle beforehand my guess is shook it up a fuckload because I open it and it just goes

like all over me. It explodes all over me, which I have to say, if you're listening, that guy and if you did that deliberately, that's fucking great. That is so good. Like if he's just like got it, he's seen me on the tram, he's like, I'm going to get this piece of shit.

Well, you know what? This is what actually happened. We get here a bit early. You know, we like to get here... You've got to agree, though. Pretty good choice to end with the first one, right? Yeah, oh yeah. You've structured that story very well. The Christopher Nolan of dumb cunts. So,

we got here early to set up, yeah? I forgot a lot of the stuff I should have brought here and we didn't have a lot of time. So I thought, you know what? I'm going to race back. It's going to take me half an hour on the tram to get home, half an hour to get back. Easy, I'll get back just in time. It took an hour to get home on the tram.

I was like, fuck. So I raced at the front of my house and then there's no trams. Someone's getting in a taxi. And I just yelled at the guy, mate, can I just get in your taxi as well? What? And then he goes, well, can I just get in your taxi as well? What? And then he goes, well, my mum's getting in.

And he's like, really old mum is crossing the road to get in. And I'm like, yeah, but I can fit. And then he's like, give me ten bucks. I'm like, where are you going? He's like, the city. And I'm like, I am too. He's like, give me $10. I'm like, where are you going? He's like, the city. And I'm like, I am too.

He's like, yeah, $10. I'm like, you have just turned this taxi into a fucking Uber. So, yeah, that's how I got in. So he wanted $10 on top of you splitting the fare with him? No, no, no. He just quoted me $10 to share the cab. That's a great fee. Not that great.

I got in here, it was like $15 to get here. He just got a free ride into the city. Wow, you are a real barnyard curiosity. You know that? Okay. So, let's do this. This tends to be what happens every week now. Somehow, my phone number got out.

And a lot of people messaged me. So, look, you know, a lot of... Is that someone going, aww? Fuck you. So, you know, I get a lot of message about the podcast, about, you know, people saying they liked it or they didn't like it or whatever it is. I don't know if I...

It somehow got turned into an information line. This is like... I just get messages just... Just Google it. But people aren't using Google anymore. They're just fucking texting the Chan man. You're the new Ask Jeeves. Yes! AskChando.com

So this is what I got today. And this person will be here. Hey, Casey, will the venue let me in with thongs today? Don't be fucking asking me that. I'm getting footwear fucking questions now on my phone. Don't use my phone for that. Hey, wait a minute. My phone is very clearly uh oh

oh the guy in the front is that you it wasn't you okay why not why didn't you fucking ask me how many people here are wearing thongs by the way you fuck

what do you think this is alright now I'm just constantly getting texts while I'm on stage there's three in the last minute right now but they're all cool one of them says sorry one of them says hey dumb cunt I'm just constantly getting texts while I'm on stage. There's three in the last minute right now. But they're all cool.

One of them says, sorry. One of them says, hey, dumb cunt. Thanks for coming, guys. One of them's a picture of us. Fuck, from really close in. Who did that? Shit. Fuck.

Let's try and match it up. All right, all right, all right. That's... Yeah, call it. Oh, yeah. That's try and match it up. All right, all right, all right. That's... Yeah, call it. Oh, yeah! That's a good suggestion. Fuck, come on. I actually can't get to the number because people keep texting me. You just look like this fucking idiot who doesn't know how to make calls on his phone.

Fuck, come on! Works! Oh, someone's looking at their phone. Fuck, come on! Work! Oh, someone's looking at their phone. I think I know who it is. Have you just turned your phone off? Say that again. Oh. You just hung up before you said get on with the show.

You hung up and then put the phone to your ear. Ha ha ha! up before you said get on with the show. You hung up and then put the phone to your ear. Alright, now I know I can save your number under the name doesn't know how to fucking use a phone. Get on with the show. Have you not listened before? This is the show. This is all we do now. It's just

a show where we just talk about how we're doing a show. Yeah, so let's go. Sorry. This should be a segment in the show as well. It's not like my mailbag. It's my phone bag. Carl's phone bag.

Yeah. Just people texting me and then I don't like it but then I somehow keep reading it out and encouraging more people to do it. All right, here we go. Here's this. Look, someone I went to high school with actually Facebooked me this week and said

a friend of mine is coming to your show and she lives in Witchyproof, which for people who don't know is even shitter than Maribor. Is it further away than Cheltenham? Because that's fucking ages away. We copped a lot of shit for that.

Yeah. I don't know about that. I don't know. That was a long drive. Danielle Grant. They're firing up again. Where's Danielle? Oh, we can see.

Danielle Grant, you're from Witchy Proof. Shitass. No, no, it's fine. No, I got a message from your friend and my friend, Christy Scullion. That's her maiden name. I don't... She's a bitch.

She's a bitch. Wow. Yeah, story checks out. That's the one I knew. But it was actually funny because she sent a message going, you know, my friend is coming to the show and she was really excited to know that I knew you and she was very excited last week telling me and then questioning how I knew about Little Dumb Dumb Club.

I'm like, oh, that's really funny. And then Christy said, oh, you're so famous. And I'm like, well, it's very, very minor fame. This is an interaction that should almost definitely be happening off stage. Like not part of the game. I know this is hard for you to understand but I put the punchlines at the end. I know

I don't put them in reverse order like you do. Cancer. Still got it. Oh yeah, that's always funny. No, I've still got cancer. I never got cured. Yeah, fair enough. So anyway, she goes, that's really cool that you're getting recognised,

you're sort of famous in a way. And then she said, because she obviously doesn't listen and doesn't sort of understand, she goes, who would have thought that years of giving people shit would turn into a career? You've actually fucking nailed it. That's what I do for a living at the moment. Yeah, it would have been great to know you

before there was a legitimate outlet for you being a cunt. When I was just doing an amateur. Yeah, when you were just doing graphic design and people are walking past your desk and you're like, fuck you. It would have been great to know you at that time people just kind of

put up with it now yeah just you know i was just i was just being a cunt part-time yeah yeah and people were always going you should go pro and i was like okay yeah okay you fuckhead yeah should we get our first guest up here what do you reckon uh sure yes what do you reckon should we do it yes should we get this dog and pony show on the road well i haven't got a text for like 30 Uh, sure. Yes. What do you reckon? Should we do it? Yes. Should we get this dog and pony show on the road? Well, I haven't got a text for like 30 seconds, so sure. Okay.

Okay. Sorry, dog and pony show is the wrong word, given our first guest, I mean, fat swine show. Hey, Demi Lardner, I would not take that. It's a bit rough. Okay, our first guest today, please... Hang on, hang on. I just got a text right then as you said that saying, can you tell Dilruk to move over?

We can't see the stage. Well, no time like the present. Get him in, ladies and gentlemen, Dilruk Jai Singha! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, Dilruch Jai Singha! Fuck you guys! That was great. I was standing back there with Demi Lovato going, is it me or you first? Who's going first? And then you go, fat swine. I'm like, alright, fine. And I just had this agreeable,

Merry Christmas, motherfuckers. Hi. And again, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just talked into my beer. You're Ray Badron. Jesus. Just before the show started, I was doing a bit of correspondence with a friend of the show, Ronald

Chang. Rotten Ronald Chang. And I sent him a picture of correspondence with a friend of the show, Ronald Chang. Rotten Ronald Chang. And I sent him a picture of the crowd and said, sorry, mate, bit busy, got to go to the show. And then his last message back to me was, tell Dil Japan is hunting whales again, so make sure he avoids the beach. Got him.

And New York got him. Very good. O New York got him. Very good. Overseas got him. The got him that never sleeps. Hey, Carl. That was fucking good. That was good. It's really good content. I have a question for you, Carl.

Have you had lunch? Yes. Yes or no? Seriously. Because the last couple of Melbourne live shows, what happens is Carl doesn't have lunch, shows up to the gig, starts drinking, and I can see by his face, you're fucking gone already.

And the best part is not only does he not listen back to the show, he just does not remember what he said on it. So I'm like, this is going to be fun. So you had lunch. I do ask Tommy a lot when we do live shows, is this a thing I can call back to or is this a dream I had? Because I've also never seen you broken

when Tommy dropped the canceller and you literally just sat there giggling for five minutes. That's what it takes to make Carl Chandler laugh. That's genuinely funny. Yeah, it was. That's what it takes to make Carl Chandler laugh. That's genuinely funny. Yeah, that was funny. It's like the Ventra Liquor Stack again. As soon as you sip.

So this has turned out to be the worst Christmas ever. This is great. Why? No, I'm being silly. I'm with my best friends in the whole wide Melbourne CBD area. In this building right now, on this stage. Which is basically you. So, oh, fuck you.

Hey. Hey, they're back on my side. Hey, this is my friend, Carl. Don't touch me. I don't want to get cancer. Well, I never knew cancer was an STD Do you celebrate Christmas still? Kind of I had a Buddhist dad and a Muslim mum

Who sent me to a Catholic school But it's true, it's very true These people are right, that is very funny It is kind of fucked. It kind of explains why I'm like this. No, it doesn't. Well, it does. McDonald's explains that.

No, we celebrate every religious holiday, which is always a feast. So, you know, like Ramadan, for example. Or like a day that ends in Y. That's all of them. By Y. That's all of them. By God, that's all of them. Fuck, he's done it. He's absolutely done it. We have done it again.

But like Ramadan for example, my brother and I were the only non-Muslims in this house of like 14 Muslims. We all grew up in the same house and they'd get up like before sun up at like 4am to have breakfast, they eat and then they don't eat till sundown. But my brother and I would get up eat anyway and then go to school, have

breakfast, lunch and then break fast with them and then have like a late night snack as well. So it's basically Islam made me fat. You heard it. You heard it here. They're already copping a lot of heat.

They don't need that tag. I'm saying it. Me and Bill Maher have been saying it for years. But no, we did... Look, we didn't celebrate, you know, Jesus and Christmas necessarily, but Mum would do, like, Santa. Like, she would always, you know, put a little Christmas present and stuff. One year she made me write to Santa because I wanted a

skateboard and they got one and it was too small for me no surprise in hindsight but yeah yeah we do we do like Santa Claus and stuff that's about really it we didn't really do much other Christmas stuff yeah right so you got you know you celebrated Santa Claus but but not we celebrated the fat man who brought me treats yeah it's just it's almost gotten too easy hasn't it it's like just feels lazy to even comment on it anymore it It. In the words of Dr. Carl, can you use another noun?

Yeah. So you've been on a lot of episodes lately where you had a big thing where you lost... How much weight did you lose? Was it 11, 12 or something? No, you should know. This is your thing. I've been drinking so much since I can't remember. Oh, right. So you lost what, 11 kilos in 11 weeks?

Where is this going, Carl? I'm so scared. It just feels like a classic Chandler set-up, and I'm just going to bite it. All right, Carl. No, no, no, I'm your friend. I just want to celebrate your victories, you know? Oh, really?

So let's just confirm what happened. I feel like the bit in the movie where it's like, this guy's walking down the street, and I know that Carl's on a rooftop with a fucking sniper rifle and I'm just watching the whole... A sniper rifle? A sniper rifle. You can pretty... Or sniping.

So to be honest, you can pretty much have a soundtrack behind everything I say is... It's definitely not... It's definitely not Pretty much everything Very good Sorry, hello, there's a call for you Just a moment Timothy, is it?

Will you make me the happiest Tim in the world? So, you lost 11 kilos in 11 weeks. 11.8. 11.8? At least 11.8. I think there's a little bit more extra, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, cool. And you've kept that up?

You've changed your life? Nah. I was on holiday at my brother's wedding, which I'm allowed to then, you know, celebrate. And then since then, I've been, you know, travelling interstate and stuff. Travelling? Travelling interstate. What were you to start with and what did you get to? allowed to then you know celebrate and then since then I've been you know traveling traveling traveling you to say what were you to start with and what did you get to more fuck man uh what is this 123.8 and I think I got to like 110 something like that okay you're sweating but it's hard to or not? What is this? No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no. For the home viewer, Mr. Carl has just presented a pair of scales. Carl? What? Fuck you. This is, you know how

your fans say, oh, fat shame, fat shame is bad, and I've always been like, no, no, they're good friends and it's all done in good fun, and they've always been supportive of me. This is not supportive. This is not... And you know what? You know why I'm not going to do it? It's on a carpet. You know my rules about wearing scales.

I'm off the hook. Hey, well, we've got two empty chairs on the lino that we can clear out. Yeah, exactly. Let's put them there. No, no, we're not doing this chairs on the lino that we can clear out. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, let's put them there. No, no, we're not doing this. What is this? This is bullshit.

Why not? Because I've been drinking and eating all day. This is like my... It's my cheat day. Correct, madam. Thank you very much. It is Saturday and... If this is his cheat day, I don't reckon Dill slept for about a week. It's cheat day, baby.

In the words of Ray Badren, Kyle Chandler is the biggest cunt ever. No, I'll pull you up there because I listened to it again and again. I jerked to it. The worst cunt ever. Which, by the way, Diane... Let's see who is the biggest cunt ever. I am not stepping on these scales.

No, this is not happening. We did the fat thing. We need new content. You know what? We did the fat thing. I think you're still doing it. Let's play it out. Maybe we should just tee off on your race for a bit.

That can become our new angle. Fuck, all right. Fuck it. I'm just... Because I'm a team player. Here we go. Because I All right. Fuck it. I'm just... Because I'm a team player. Here we go. Because I fucking... Shoes off.

Yeah, yeah. Hands off. Wow. Oh, now this is... Oh. Oh. Now this is bellissimo content. I'm going to get my tear out of the way.

People at home, this is what you're missing out on if you don't come to the live show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carpet loses 20 pounds. Whoa, go easy. He's actually fucking broken. What? It says that he's 60 kilos. 60 kilos.

What? Oh, wow. It's a Christmas miracle. That could not have backfired more. What? Congratulations, Durook. You've harped it.

That's actually unhealthy. I'm worried for you. I weighed myself on these same scales this morning. I was 83 kilos. Are you fan of this, Durook? I'm officially fan of the new. Go have a biscuit, you fat piece of shit. Someone's going to share a cab to the Westgate now. It's officially better than you. Go have a biscuit, you fat piece of shit.

Someone's going to share a cab to the Westgate now. Ten bucks to the Westgate. Fair enough. According to that, I'm 40 kilos. Fuck, you're right about the carpet, but you should have been embracing the carpet. I know, I didn't realise. The carpet is your friend. Don't get me wrong, I do normally embrace the carpet.

Hey, no wonder. I built a shrine to the carpet. Since you embraced the carpet, you lost 40 kilos. Well, I mean, now that you've come in at... There's less calories in it. Now that you've come in at 60, you can just, you know, really let yourself go and just enjoy yourself. Thanks, Tommy.

Just take the brakes off and start living a little. That could not have gone worse. I can't believe I got a taxi back home to get these scales. Hey, but only ten bucks, eh? Yeah.

Yeah. All right, should we get our second guest out here? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Anne Edmonds! Hey! Hey!

Hello. Yeah, over here. Sorry. Hi, everyone. How are you going? Merry Christmas. I turned my back on that. You didn't like it?

I didn't like it. Don't weigh, deal. But it had a happy ending. I'm with you on this, Anne. I was all funny games until the Wayne scale, surprise Wayne scale came out. You big bully. Hey, that was good for you.

It was a good outcome. Yeah, that's a fucking great result for you. Well done. It's good content. You are sweating heavily. Because the movement of taking my pants off means too much exercise for me. I'm out of breath trying to put my shoes back on.

I feel like you should have kept the pants off just between you and me. Me too. Yeah. I don't know why you go like, oh, I'm going to get a good result on the scales. I'll take my pants off before you take your shirt off. Like, I would have thought you want to keep your pants on. No, the pants are the heavier part. It's got all my cash in it. I'm fucking with you.

Sorry, you wouldn't understand, podcaster. Sorry, la-di-da guest on a podcast. The only reason you've got so much cash in your wallet is because dinner time is after this podcast. It's because I withdraw the money for cheat day. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Edo was introduced a while back. Hey, hi, hi, everyone. I'm here.

Happy to just sit here, do whatever. Just happy to be here, guys. Thanks. It's nice. It's a better... See, this is why you need to come to the live show. Fuck. You nearly kissed Tommy and Dil nearly lost some more weight.

Can we weigh my boner after that? Wow. 60. Ed, I reckon you're, you know, when we booked you and we thought, you know, we're doing a Christmas show, I don't know, out of all the guests I thought, you know what, you'll have the best stories about Christmas for some reason. I thought you'd have some weird family experiences or something.

I do have a weird family, but, well, the worst, I've had a... You grew up religious, didn't you? I grew up religious, yes. Catholic. Very Catholic, my family. Oh, wow. Shout out. Woo, God! Yes! That's the same she grilled out of my cheat bag. Praise the Lord. She just loves a good celebration.

She just loves to make noise. Yes, I grew up Catholic. And we still have every year we have a... that I participate... When the family gets together we put on a play. Like we put on a Christmas play. Really? Which I direct and I get all the kids in. Is this real?

Yeah, it's real. And I, like it's often a nativity scene but it's, like I've gotten a bit, in previous years I like tried to write it from the perspective of the donkey and I got all like involved in it. And then like it was too much for the kids and then like one of the kids just lost their mind and just started kicking the shit out of the donkey and I had to call it off.

Did you have a real donkey? No, it was a kid. It was another kid. And then another cousin just kicked the shit out of it. Did they confuse you with pin the tail on the donkey? That sort of thing? Like, kick the shit out of the donkey?

But then we have... And then we... Like, there's other performances as well. Namely me. Just a lot of songs from me. Just your family sits there going, fuck, how many years do we have to watch this for? You do.

You do. You do love a drunken single. Oh, I like a drunken single. Yeah. I just like to express myself in a range of formats. When did you start doing this? Like how many years have you been doing this for? Because we did, to be honest, we did like a comedy room in Melbourne,

Comedy Explained, which I co-curate. Yes. We do a Christmas show and we're like, oh, we'll do karaoke. Great, karaoke, awesome. This will be really fun at the end of the night. It's like 1am, awesome, let's do some sing-alongs. And then you're like singing Christmas carols at 1am? In a ball dress.

Wait, do you want to tell people what your plan is for this year? Oh. It's so good. It's complicated. Yeah. It's called The Horse, right? And it's based on the popular television. Is this like The Donkey?

Do people kick the shit out of someone? No, it's called The Horse and it's based on the popular television show The Voice, but it's The Horse. So what happens is... Stay with me. What happens is there's three judges and they're sitting back facing the other way, like they do on The Voice, and then people come out one by one and sing songs,

but you've got to guess if you're a judge whether they're in a horse costume or not. So you spin the chair around if you're a judge whether they're in a horse costume or not. So you spin the chair around if you think they're dressed as a horse? Yeah, you only spin around if you're dressed as a horse. And they go, this is the horse! But it's difficult. But you've got to like, you know, you sing as you would sing normally, but you happen to be dressed as a horse.

So I think it'd be very difficult to pick it. And I think the audience... Don't you reckon the audience's reaction? No, no, but they're in on it. They'd have to get involved and, like, when someone walks out as a horse or not a horse, they'd have to, like, trick the judge. Yeah. Or whatever it is.

It's going to be a hit, guys. They'd have to come out and go, Hey, Jude. No, to come out and go, hey, Jude. No, it's not a horse. You just said that. Yeah, so that's coming up, guys. Sing the Nay Nay Sherry song. See you there. The what?

Don't worry. Okay, shut up, Fatty. No, I'm just kidding. I want to see the horse get picked up by a network. Probably. Be on TV and then the judges are all like jockeys picked up by a network. Probably. Be on TV and then, like, the judges are all, like, jockeys and, like, you know, horse trainers.

Spring carnival. Yes. Like they're somehow going to have any insight into whether or not just a person is dressed as a horse. Picking up horse vibes. It's going to be great. It's going to be so good. Yeah. Trademark Anne Edmonds. Yeah, right. Exactly. Someone's going to be so good. Yeah. Trademark Anne Edmonds.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Someone's going to steal that idea for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we get another guest? Yeah, we should. Is he... Are they here?

Yeah. I think they are here. They are? They are. You don't know who I'm... I do. Danny. Danny.

Oh, right. It might not look like it, but we've got this under control, okay? You are the only person talking at this point. You love Cheat Days, God and Demi. And Demi God. Oh, nice one, Dil. Foreign? Foreign?

Hey, you said you wanted less fat shaming. This is what it is now, buddy. I don't know. Hey, you said you wanted less fat shaming. This is what it is now, buddy. You can't say it in the... I don't know. All right, Ann Edmonds, everyone. Give it up. Do I have to leave? No, just switch down one.

Oh, right. All right, please welcome our next guest, Joel Creasy! Yeah! There he is. Yay! Oh, Merry Christmas. I'm so glad you guys are still doing this.

We're not. Having a real job would be nice. It's fun. To be honest, you are yet another example of someone that we've had on the podcast and then we've just watched go... I think that's almost everyone at this point. Yes. Because, Joel, since the last time we had you on,

you've performed overseas. Yep. You're hosting I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here next year. I am, yes. You went to the Arias. You've done all this stuff. So I guess... I went to the Arias with Angela Bishop.

So it's me and Angela. Fantastic stuff. Do you know who that is? Yeah. I died. But yeah, you've just... You've... What?

Is it my... I'm really hung over. I just want to watch this for another hour. Whatever that was, was great. But you've been doing all this stuff, you've been travelling the world, doing all this amazing showbiz stuff. I guess the question I want to ask is,

where do you get your ideas from? I honestly thought the question was going to be, how did you get them? Whatever Josh Thomas isn't using, I... I'll try to just pick up on. When you hung over, what did you do last night? Oh, I had sex with a very attractive man this morning.

Guilty. I'm gay. Would you be a top or a bottom? Definitely bottom. Fuck, imagine that on top of something. He's a top, bottom and middle. You are a real all-rounder. If I woke up and you were on top of me, I'd go,

oh, fuck, something's gone seriously wrong. No, I went... Where did I go last night? Oh, I went to a bar, I think. And then I went to, like, another 18. And then I brought a guy home to mine, but my mum was staying in my spare room. So I was like, you've got to be quiet, but he's this dumb fuck but really hot American.

I know, slow down a second. Tommy's brain has exploded because you said spare room. Oh. Channel 10 money. Yeah. No, your mum's staying with you, not you living with your mum. That's the part that blew my mind. I think we had sex, but I was very drunk.

You and your mum. Yeah. She's definitely a top. Now, would Tim be a top or a bottom? What do you reckon? Ring, ring. Hello, Tim. You a top or a bottom? What do you reckon? Ring, ring. Hello, Tim. You don't know what that means, do you?

Is that an in-joke from this podcast? Don't worry about it, Paul. Yeah, it's... And who's Jenny? Did anyone hear that? These are all in-jokes of unsuccessful comedians. You don't need to concern yourself with it. Hey, I'm doing all right.

You actually are doing better than normal. Better than normal? Things are really happening. In jokes of what you want to do when you do the opposite of you, which is building your audience to make it bigger and bigger, in jokes of what you want to do, if you just want to really shrink it down and just make it more and more niche until it's just

four freaks going, say Tim again. Yes! This is the best! But they've all paid like a grand to be there, so it still ends up like pretty proper. If we could get the Sultan of Brunei into Go Tim, we're fucking set. I don't mind. Where are we, by the way? What do you mean?

This venue? Yeah. The European Beer Cafe. I was, I said, and before I was like, do you think they serve wine? Do they? You know what? To be honest, it is a little bit confusing. We've got sponsorship at the moment. We know if people are aware of Yellow Moose.

I don't know if we've mentioned that before. That is the first time anyone has cheered for Moose. But anyway, apart from me. What is it, Carl? It's a good question. What is Moose? I've got to deal with it. It's good chocolate Moose. You know what chocolate moose is.

Yeah. You've had chocolate moose before. You've experienced that. Do you mean dill? That's more like, to be fair, that's more like chocolate yeti. All right. I would have gone with chocolate yak But we are

You know what we're here We've got this fucking thing that we didn't plan on We should have a yellow moose banner But instead we've got a banner that says Cherry bomb www.actionsam.net So what I've gathered is Apparently Cherry Bomb is a cover band

That's playing later after us Oh I think I've seen them before Their is apparently Cherry Bomb is a cover band that's playing later afterwards. Oh, I think I've seen them before. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't believe they've got Cherry Bomb. Their name's Cherry Bomb, but then their website is actionsam.net. Like, they couldn't even get actionsam.com. It's actually a good thing Ronny Chang isn't here

because he would have a stroke if he saw that. Yeah. Having to deal with that. Someone bought joelcreasy.com and then was like, trying to sell it back to me for $10,000. Really? Yeah. So what is that? So does he still own to me for $10,000. Really? Yeah. So what is that?

So does he still own that site right now? It's my manager. No, I've got .com.au now. Oh, right. So what is at JoelCreasy.com?

It's like, you know, you go on and then you have to like literally try and buy it. It's like this page can be bought. Oh, right. So there's nothing

actually on at the moment. I sometimes think about it when I'm drunk. Like maybe today's the day that I just slash out and buy my website back. I sometimes think about it when I'm drunk. Like, maybe today's the day that I just slash out and buy my website back. Right, right. I showed you,

here's your $10,000. How much is he trying to sell it for? Pardon? How much is he trying to sell it for? $10,000. $10,000.

But the thing is this, the way your star is rising, he's just going to keep increasing the price. So I'm from an accounting background and finance, so I know how this shit works, right?

So you need to buy it now because the way your career is going, it's going to cost more. I'm so fucking glad I've come today. It's just been compliment after compliment. You've been called fat for like half an hour. No, no. The last two years.

Not just today. Sorry. That's fine. So the website is $10,000 to buy. Yeah. How much is in your bank account right now? Oh! Man, that should be a question every week much is in your bank account right now? Oh. Man, that should be a question every week. I want to know what happened with the guy.

Yeah. With your mum. Yeah. Oh, what happened with the guy? I kicked him out but my mum was gone. She had to go back to Perth this morning.

Oh, right. How do you know? Shit story. How are you sure that you haven't done a root in him? I've ever done a what? How are you certain that you did not root him?

I'm not sure. Well, I don't feel like I did. Are you still backed up, are you? Am I still backed up? What? Is that... Hey, good question. If you're really backed up, does that look attractive?

What does backed up mean? I thought it meant... All right, I'll show you. Hands off again. Fuck, I'll show you. Hands off again. Fuck, I wish Dr Karl was back here. Hey, good segue. We have a... Like I said, I can't remember whether we brought this up last week or not,

but we have a segment, a new segment. We're introducing this segment this week. You know, you've got Ask Dr Karl. Now we are doing from now on Ask Mr Karl. It's like Dr Karl, but you're asking someone way less informed. So as you came in tonight, there was a bunch of forms that you could fill in. If you wanted to ask me something.

So, Tommy, you've picked the best of them, hopefully. Before I go through them, the panel, does anyone have any questions for Mr Karl? Anything that you'd like answered? Will you marry me? Are you 40? No. Why do you look it?

You look 40. Tons. Am I getting paid for this? 40. Tons. Am I getting paid for this? That's what I say to my mum after every lunch. Officially you are, but it's the responsibility of Tommy, so maybe not.

Yeah. It's fine. You take the key, guys. Okay, Beck wants to know, if I drew a picture of a chicken on this piece of paper, would Dilruch eat it? Okay, I'll field this one. You know what? Let's do it after the show.

Let's get him to eat a piece of paper. Let's get him to... Fuck you. I am not your... He's not our slave. Let's get him to... Fuck you. I am not your... He's not our slave. Paper's pretty low carbs. And, and, and, it is cheat day. I actually used to eat paper as a kid.

Like, I did. Like, I had a problem with it. I had to have... Ow. Are you serious? Are you being serious? Yeah, yeah. You're like a goat.

What? You know, you remember... Go, yeah. You're like a goat. What? You know, you remember... Goat him. You know those dot metric printers that used to print out and they had the little... Wait, the what? I don't remember. Wait, did you just call it a dot metric printer? A dot metric printer.

It's about a matrix, dot matrix. No, a dot metric printer. It's not a dot metric printer. Sorry, what do I know? I'm from the third world. I don't know anything about it. It's like they printed out on big sheets like this. They were like A3 or something.

And it had like little dots. What are you talking about? Do you go into Officeworks thinking, oh, it's a buffet? Anyway, I used to eat all this. Guys, remember the dot metric printer? It was just after the dot imperial printer. It's a real thing. It's not.

Say the right word, you stickhead. Dot matrix. Thank you. Anyway, they had little pull. You could pull off the edges. They were little circles. They had little circles. I used to pull them off and eat them all.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a tasty bit. That's a good bit. You used to pull off the edges. They were little circles. They had little circles. I used to pull them off and eat them all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's tasty beer. That's good beer. Well, you support... I ate it all the time. It's like Swiss cheese. I ate it all the time. I sometimes wonder whether some of my organs are paper mache.

You know, organs like your brain. Organs like your dick, what's never going in me. Oh, wait. Something's coming through on this dot matrix printer. Tim. Jesus. Jesus I'm going to be sick Your dick watts never come Oh yeah yeah that was the bit

that was wrong with that sentence. Like a Texan. Oh, wow. She sounded like a chimney sweep. Oi, Governor, that dickwad's never going in me. Oh. OK, fantastic question, Rebecca. Thanks for writing in.

OK, another Rebecca wants to know, which is more likely, A, no technical issues at this live podcast, B, you proposing to your girlfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? Imagine. Like that finger, what's never going into that ring? I'll field this one. I think... You know what?

I don't think there's been any technical difficulties. What? I don't think there's been any technical difficulties. The only technical difficulty is me not being able to say the words technical difficulty. Imagine if you used a live dum-dum to propose to your girlfriend. What did you say? Oh, yeah, the scales were a technical difficulty. Yeah, the scales were a technical... No, they weren't.

They were perfectly fine. Yeah. Okay. Those scales mean... You know, those scales mean, you know, what they showed was you're anorexic at the moment. That's not... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are the Karen Carpenter of podcasting at the moment, apparently.

Okay. Hopefully. This is another one from Rebecca. I am on the top of the world. If you were named as the host... Has there been three questions from Rebecca so far? No, one... Well, yeah.

We've got more than one audience here, haven't we? If you were named as the host of a rebooted Hey Hey It's Saturday, who would you have stick their hand up Tommy's arse so he could be the new Aussie ostrich? Anne Edmonds. Audition, please. Do you want to swap seats? OK. Sarah wants to know if you could marry any celebrity, who would it be and why? Tradition, please. Do you want to swap seats? Okay.

Sarah wants to know if you could marry any celebrity, who would it be and why? Can it be past or present? Great question. I'll field this one. So, celebrity. Wow, that's a good question. You can't even marry a non-celebrity.

How the fuck are you not busting out a ring for Angelina Jolie? She's very good. Yeah. Wow. How long have you been with your girlfriend for? I'll field this one. It's been almost six months. I mean, nine and a half years.

Oh, I did know that. You know what? This is a weird thing. I've always had a thing for girls with high foreheads. So I would say... Is that why you do a podcast with Tommy? He's got the voice and the forehead. To be fair, he's got the bust as well.

Hey, Joel, can you pitch this to Channel 10 for me? I've got an idea for a new reality show that you could host. It's based on Chandler and his girlfriend's relationship. It's called I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Is that her that wants to get out? Yeah. I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Out Of Me. Oh, Edo gets it.

Hello. Hello. Have we got a last one? Hang on. Are we stopping on high foids? Who has high foids? That's fucking weird. Yeah.

Christina Ricci. Remember her? Yeah. Sort of. Go on. Thora Birch from American Beauty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was 18 in that film come also

they said be to be fair I think she was actually a little bit younger these people are so relevant teenagers what my two requirements high forehead and no entry on on IMDB for the last seven years. So Tommy Dasolo again. Tommy Dasolo, yeah. Why do you like a high forehead? I don't know. It's like, why does anyone like anything?

It's just a genetic thing with me. To be fair, both those examples, both those ladies have massive boobs as well. To be honest, I didn't notice that. You're too busy looking at the forehead. Yeah. And they're like, hey, my tits are down here, man. I don't go for girls with high foreheads or vaginas. I want to know...

That rules me out. Let's go quickly back to your picking up last night. Oh, so hang on. Someone who grew up in the country is about to ask a gay man about his sexual experiences. This is going to be electric everyone. This is like

every Harold Son interview I've ever done. This should be a new segment called Deft Touch. Here we go. Now what do

you want to know about last night? Oh no, who picked up who? He picked up me. How did you get that? Well, and then he was American so he wasn't even trying to star fuck me which was weird. Oh really. How did you get that? Well, and then he was American,

so he wasn't even trying to star fuck me, which was weird. Oh, really? He didn't recognise you? No, I was furious. But this is so sad. I actually shouldn't even mention this. There's a big cardboard cat out of me in my bedroom. At the moment, normally we have it in the foyer of my shows

when I'm on tour, but at the moment it's in my bedroom. Just put it in your living room. And then we got back to mine and I was like, see? I have Nintendo figurines in my room and even I think you're a fucking loser. All right, here's a question. Here's a question to you, Joel Creasy. I heard, this is what goes around the traps,

Joel Creasy is massively packing heat. Downstairs. I am at the... Yeah, we got it. No one thought, oh, Joel's got a gun. Imagine me with a gun and be like... I... No, well, look, yeah.

But I... Wow, exclusive. I didn't realise that the arias... At the arias I was wearing... Wear yourself, take your pants off. I was wearing a suit at the arias and it was clearly showing. I saw that. Did you?

Yeah, and then it was... And then it was trending on Twitter, which I was kind of, like, thrilled about. And then I was like... But then I got kind of like thrilled about and then I was like but then I got drunk later in the evening and I was like you wouldn't have a go at a woman for having big boobs

and then I was like oh that's not a really good very good point and I also realised I was saying it to that singer Nathaniel at the RAs after party and he was like who are you?

Yeah and also you complaining about having a massive wang Yeah Calm down This podcast is honestly the best half an hour of my life Guys this industry is so sexist Massive wang. Yeah. Calm down. This podcast is honestly the best half an hour of my life.

Guys, this industry is so sexist. Imagine my pussy was out. To be fair... And it was massive. To be fair, that was my next question, Ed. I heard you have the biggest pussy in comedy, so... It was out at the Arias. I don't know. That could be our next festival show.

Anne Edmonds, cavernous minch. Eddo. Matt O'Kine made a speech about it. Eddo, we can do a double act in the festival. Biggest pussy in comedy, biggest cunt in comedy. Nah, her career's fine. Leave her alone. Hey, there's some more good ones.

Should we get our next guest up here as well to chew through this as well? Joel Greasy, everyone. Thank you. Stick around. Do you want to share a mic? Share a mic deal. Yeah.

All right, guys. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Josh Earle. Yeah, go here, go here. Hi, guys. Hey. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I know what you forgot. Now, these guys wrote to me yesterday and said,

hey, can you please do a sting for Ask Mr Karl? Oh, yeah, we forgot. So I spent, like, a good four hours of doing that instead of looking at my kids, and they didn't even play it. Alright, yeah. No, don't play it. No, no, we've got more questions. Don't play it. We'll have one more question but we'll play this

again. Start again, start again. No, don't play it. I never want to play it. Don't play it. Stop it. I'm going to talk over the top of it. It's going to be like the second Avalanches album. You'll never hear it. You're never going to hear that album. Mate, I've heard it. No, it's really funny. We want to hear it. Can we playanches album. You'll never hear it. You're never going to hear that album. Mate, I've heard it. No, it's really funny.

We want to hear it. Can we play it, please? Play it, play it. If you've got a cue, then he's got an A But it's probably going to be the jump off the Westgate Ask Mr. Carl, yeah, it'll be fine You don't need the number to call Lifeline with Mr. Carl, Carl, Mr. Carl yeah, it'll be fine. You don't need the number to call. Lifeline with Mr. Carl, Carl Mr. Carl, Carl

Mr. Carl will help you cause helping is his game. Work for Dylan Ronnie, he just fat shames. Mr. Carl, Carl, Mr. Carl Carl, Mr. Carl Ask Mr. Carl. Sorry, that's why I didn't want to play it. It's fun to imagine that just while that's happening, being recorded, Ask Mr. Carl. Sorry. So I didn't want to play it.

It's fun to imagine that just while that's happening, being recorded, there's just a little hand knocking on the door going, Daddy, when's dinner? Daddy, we're hungry. You're on my bottom, Daddy. I like how we've done that. It's just like a classic Tommy Daslow story. We've just reverse geared it.

I don't think that was a sting. That was a song. Alright, let's ask one more question. Okay, ask Mr Carl. Matt wants to know, when the Westgate collapses, where do you think the next cool place to do it will be? Great question, Matt. I'll field this one.

Maya. Maya in Adelaide, yes. Or... You know what? I've been looking at the Swan Bridge. The bridge in Swan Street, it's right near my house and every time I walk past it it's like

I reckon you could die off that yeah so you know what that'd be the perfect combo a lot of people yell abuse at me

down Riversdale Road you can do that see me call me a cunt keep going kill yourself so good let's do one more I reckon this is good I reckon you're gonna have good stuff out of this Cal wants to know do that. See me. Call me a cunt. Keep going. Kill yourself. Yeah, good.

Let's do one more. I reckon this is good. I reckon you're going to have good stuff out of this. Cale wants to know what's the most insulting thing you can say to someone? Now this is in your wheelhouse, if I'm not mistaken. Who asked this? Cale Johnston. Cale. Cale. After nine and a half

years, I still don't want to marry you. Prime proven. That's pretty insulting. Cale. Cale. I'll field this one. Cale. Cale.

I think, to be honest, I reckon... Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Chris's brain is frozen a bit. Dude, he's right there. Like, you know... Oh, sorry. Man, to be honest, he's right there. Oh, sorry. You. He's got hair.

To be honest, he is so hipster looking. Stand up. You are so hipster looking, you look like a kale. You look like no one wants to eat you. Oh, Jesus. That's the question. I'd eat you if I was on a diet. Am I pronouncing it correctly?

Yes. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. You really wanted a way out. Yeah. I reckon the most insulting... Well, in comedy, you know what?

The worst thing you can say to anyone is, you are not funny. Well, Carl... The most insulting thing you can say after a gig and you're a fan of this is the person walks off and you go, how do you think that went? That's pretty bad. That's a bad one. Someone says that to you, oh boy

you know you've done bad up there. Yeah, you either, you know, when people come up and go, oh, what else is happening? Or whatever. Or, what are you a tough crowd? Yeah, no. It's pretty late. They're pretty tired.

Yeah, yeah. That's another one. So you make money out of it. Do you do other work at all? No, no, no. You're so brave to get up there. So please feel free to use all that on us in about half an hour. One reviewer said to me,

no one enjoys Joel Creasy's show more than Joel Creasy. I printed an output on my fridge. Next to my cutout. Let's quickly get our next guest on because we don't have heaps and heaps of time. Oh yeah, Josh really got the raw end of the stick here. I really gave the sizzle, didn't I?

What have you got very quickly? You got any weird Christmas stuff from growing up? My dad, on Christmas Eve one year, when I was about eight years old, no, seven years old, my dad told us, there's going to be another person at the table tomorrow. It's your sister. She's 13. Be on your best behaviour.

Wow. What? And then we all went back to watching TV and didn't say anything until the next day. Merry Christmas, Earls. And then you met her the next day. And we met her the next day. And we met her the next day. And guess what?

It's been weird ever since. Fuck yeah. And another thing on Christmas, three years ago, my parents separated on Christmas in a big explosion because they didn't talk about it either. Oh, my God. It all comes out at Christmas. My home life's really good compared to you.

Yeah, your mum's at the window. Just listen to your banger dude. It's great. We wish we had a home life your mum's at the window, just listen to your banger dude, it's great. We wish we had a home life like that. At the window? There's a window between these two bedrooms. He wants everyone to see, he's got the cardboard cutter in there. No, he's got Channel

10 money, he's putting windows everywhere. Josh, whose daughter was she and where had she been? It was my dad's daughter from a previous marriage. They broke up the day of the wedding. So not a previous marriage, previous, like they were engaged. That's when you propose. Anyway.

They had Oh, I've got bad reception. It's not Tim. So I So they had a big fight about how much alcohol they were going to have at the wedding. And dad said, just leave it unlimited. And she said, no, two kegs is enough. And she didn't turn up.

Oh, my God. Fair enough. Two kegs is enough. What am I talking about? The best thing, though, is that he had another kid before that as well we didn't know about. He had a one-night stand and the woman adopted it out. And when she turned 18, she turned up at our doorstep on Dad's 40th birthday, which is the weirdest thing, and just knocked on the door.

How many kids? He's got five. But this was another one that he didn't know about. She said, I think I'm your daughter. And we went, wow, that's so crazy. And she goes, my name's Katrina. And we're like, the other one's called Katrina too. So I've got two sisters called Katrina.

Wait. Please tell me one of them's Katrina Roundtree. That'd be amazing. No, just round. Your dad's a root rat. I know. This show's changed me. Wow, that's a bombshell, man.

Yeah, so that's Christmas. Here's a quick question. Are we too negative on this show? I mean... It has changed. I reckon after the first drunk cast, the show changed. If you go back to listen to the Luke McGregor one, which is like the second or third,

you're all talking about, like, internet dating, you're being supportive, and now you're like, you're a cunt, you're a cunt, the audience are cunts, everyone's a cunt. It's really changed. There was a message on Instagram in the last week or two

that said, I'm actually having time off, dum-dum, because I'm sick of calling my dog a cunt. And fat-shaming his wife. That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, maybe... I don't know if it was the other...

The same one that we both got tagged in. I stopped listening because I'm sick of fat-shaming my wife and calling my dog a cunt. But actually, going back to... I've been starting to listen to the early episodes because I never cared about them back in the day. Yeah, you had heaps of stuff going on back then. Accounting.

But it was like the Dave Thorne episode when you started ripping into Dasilo about his real name being Olsop. I think that was the start of the cuntiness. It was just basically... So, Ep 4. Yeah, the gold news before that. Is this good or bad?

I still like it. Look who it is! For the listener, Michael Hing's just come on stage. Paul Foot just rocked up, everyone. Hey. I still like it. Oh, Luke.

Luke McGregor, everyone. Thank you. Thank you, guys. You got your sunnies. That's good. Oh, yeah, sorry. How you been? Missed you guys.

It has been a while. What have you been doing? Just been... Well, I did a documentary about sex. Just some other stuff. Caught up with Anne for lunch. Is that when you did the documentary? Yeah, we filmed it. No, I've been good.

I didn't actually have an anecdote. I just wanted to... You probably don't need those sunglasses either. No, I've been good I didn't actually have an anecdote I just wanted to You probably don't need those sunglasses either No, I don't I've really also spilled water on my legs so it looks like I wet myself but congratulations on all your episodes Hey, can I just say

it's nice to see that success has made you really confident It's really good It's good to be back, buddy. Well. It's just nice that we got the guy that Joel Greasy had sex with last night up here on the podcast. Good. Alright, let's get our final guest for the day up here. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome into the little

Dumb Dumb Club, Demi Lardner! Hey! Hi! Hello. Hey, Demi. Hey! Hey, little... Hey, little boy. I just love that Daslow obviously went, I'm sick of copping shit for looking like a ventriloquist dummy.

Let's get someone who looks a bit more like one. It's just good to be here. Don't sit on the big man's knee and tell me what you want. Don't do that, little boy. So you, when we did our last, the last time you were on a Melbourne live podcast, you got a tattoo. I did, yeah. Of the Little Dumb Dumb Club logo.

Correct. What have you been doing this week, Demi? Did you get up to anything interesting? Nah. When was the last time I saw you? What did we, when was it? Was it in Adelaide or? Joel's got his dick in my ass

how deep surface sorry so you'd let him but not me wow push on is that Dill fuck off she's full, alright?

A comedy podcast about friendship. The Little Dum Dum Club. Is this good or bad for my image? Yeah, I like how you're like, oh, did someone say I fucked Edo? This is not going to be good for me. I don't want to lose my gay fan base. Demi, we did something interesting during the week.

Sure did. We went together to a little shop called Intricate Tattooing in North Fitzroy. Yeah. Hey, where were you whooping on that one? You whooped... Yeah, good. You whooped everything else. And, yeah, to catch people up, we talked ages ago.

You got our logo of this podcast tattooed on your leg. I said that because you had done that, you could design a tattoo for me. And so we went in and we got it done. What else is going on? Yeah, do we want to... So, Tommy. Take your pants off. Is it on an easily

accessible part of your body that we can have a look at? For the listener at home, it's on my face. I've been sitting here for the whole episode with a face tattoo of the swastika and it's very weird that no one... I can actually see it now. You've got a tattoo of a dumb cunt. Is it infected? Is that why?

Oh no! My friends are making fun of me! You've got a tattoo of Tim right on your face. Alright, do we want to see it? Yeah, of course. Tommy's back. Tommy's back. Tommy's back.

Why did you? Oh, my God. That's really cute. Joel just said it's kind of cute. Can you spin it around so we can see it? It's kind of cute. It's a dolphin, right? It's a dolphin with big old tits.

Oh, not so cute. Oh, and I meant to put this cream on it every day to stop it scabbing over. Carl, would you do the honours? Just, if you just, like, get around, just, like, come around here. Just, come on, oil me up. That's not the only thing that needs cream

by the looks of it. Come on, just get right in there. It's just antiseptic cream. Just give it a good old rub. There we go. That's so good. Now that's what I call content. Fuck, I'm glad I've had a few beers.

This is so good. Even Joel's grossed out by this man love. Even Joel. What do you mean, even Joel? Get out of here, you fucking fat homophobe. Even Joel, the man who was fucked the most.

Alright, any questions? Yes, why did I do that? For content, baby. Me and Demi, we went in together to get it done and you got a new tattoo as well. I got a new tattoo. It says Sherilyn.

Who's that? It's my year eight coordinator at high school. And did you have a good relationship with her? She really hated me. Does she know you've gotten it? She will soon. So for people at home, so you've also, you've got a tattoo

of Freddie, you've got a picture of Freddie Mercury and you went in and the guy like sort of did the outline of where he was going to put the Sherilyn tattoo and you went, what do you reckon? Just like right here? And it's like right underneath the Freddie Mercury tattoo and I go, it just makes it look like you think that Freddie Mercury's name is Sherilyn.

Yeah. And you go, great, yeah, let's do it. So that's what you have now forever. That's what I Sherilyn. Yeah. And you go, great, yeah, let's do it. So that's what you have now forever. That's what I call him. Yeah. And she's got the boat, and she's an SH, and most Sherilyn's a CH. I hope that's my problem with her. Demi, you like tattoos. No.

Can you do a got him tattoo? Yeah, sure. Who's going to pay? Ah. Daslo's mum. Still got a little bit left in the coffers from the donations. We can get you a got him. Alright, let's do this thing.

So we are going to do, we promised a little nativity play. Daslo, you should probably go and get your shit together. Kill myself, okay, goodnight. Finally. Let's... So you guys haven't read the script for this, which is probably the reason why you're still here. So let's get our stuff together.

Fuck, I've been walking all over the script all night. Whoops. Get the costumes, Carl. Oh, yeah. Get the costumes. Are they costumes? We were get the costumes, Carl. Oh, yeah. Get the costumes. Are they costumes? We were asked to bring a hat. We didn't see the script, but we're also meant to bring our own costumes.

I brought a Santa hat. It's up the back. They sent us a Facebook message saying, can you bring some robes or whatever you've got lying around the house? Oh, yeah. Yes, I'll bring all my robes. Yeah, just bring your garden variety robes. I should have brought that guy.

Can you imagine? This is what I do. Oh, that's cute. Oh, well, that's a really bejazzled Santa hat. I know, fucking of course. Hey, while we're waiting, can I test my Dilruch impression on you guys? Oh.

All right, so here it is. This is just what I... All right, I'll just do it. Okay. I put all the weight back on because I can't control myself. What? Good? Is that good?

It's more like shaggy, which is the opposite of what Dill is. Dill's Jamaican, right? He's Jamaican some food to eat. Which is not the most racist thing that's happened on this podcast today. I know how to do a nativity play, you dumb cunts. You look like you should be on an ad for Emerald. Racist. Is Tommy going to get in a proper costume?

Yeah, he's costuming up. And where's Dil? Where's Dil? I think I know what Dilill's going to play. Yeah, yeah, where's Geraldine Hickey? Is she in the room? Geraldine Hickey's in this play as well. Ladies and gentlemen, Geraldine Hickey! Yay!

Can't believe you made me bring this towel. No one else is wearing it. Well, the good thing, it's like Rad Dad, but only like nine pages long. Fucking hell. There's been a miscasting here because I'm a virgin. This is so close to the footy show. It's ridiculous.

There's two women on stage so not really. Are these your kids? We're starting now. Everyone's ready to go. Here is the start of the nativity play. There's two women on stage, so not really. Are these your kids? We're starting now, yeah? Everyone's ready to go? Right, yeah. Here is the start of the nativity play. You're welcome. Over 2,000 years ago, even before Chandler was born,

a young, expectant couple travelled the countryside in search of a place to stay for the night. Where's your script? Ah, good start. Rad Dad Joseph? Are we nearly there yet? I know we need a place to stay, but I need to rest. I mean, I am carrying your offspring.

Channel 10. Thank you. I know, Mary, and I get so excited every time you say that. It's because we're having a kid or because I'm mentioning the word offspring. What? Well, I'll answer that by saying this. Give me a new baby.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. And all the shepherds say I'm pretty glad for a rad dad. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Now, just run me by the fact that you're pregnant but we've never had sex before. I'm telling you, an angel visited me and she said,

you're going to give birth to the son, the second coming of God. The second coming of God? You mean you're giving birth to Rat Cat? Look, that... I guess you have to listen to the podcast. That was a ban. You're looking like you have no idea who they were, okay? Don't go now.

Yeah, it's fine. To be fair, I thought we changed the reference but I must have fucked it. They was a ban. You're looking like you have no idea who they were, okay? Don't go now. Yeah, it's fine. To be fair, I thought we changed the reference, but I must have fucked it. Look, that angel story sounds a little bit unbelievable. You're pregnant and you're a virgin? I swear I'm still a virgin. In that hole anyway.

It's like you... Amazing. It's on point, isn't it? I did actually write that line for you. I thought you would like it. Look, I just hope the baby's okay. I mean, I have been chain smoking, drinking methos, smoking ice and hitting my guts with a hammer

every couple of minutes. Oh, yeah? No, that's fine. That's exactly what my mum did when she was pregnant and I turned out radical. Where are we going, anyway? Well, you know what? I tried everywhere.

Thailand. Phuket. Bangkok. Bangkok. Thailand. everywhere. The only place I reckon we've got any chance of finding accommodation is the biggest shithole around where no one wants to stay. Oh, no, don't tell me.

It's suspenseful. We're going to Maryborough We sure are I don't want my kids to be born in Maryborough Every person I've met from there looks all fucked up And has major commitment issues Not sure what that's in reference to, but... Well, anyway, it's too late now.

We're here. And here's a hotel. Let's try this one. Fuck off, we're full. Shit, the one hotel we find and it's run by Tony Abbott. Ooh, a political. Political. find it. It's run by Tony Abbott. Ooh! A political! Political! Yo, tubular

innkeeper, are you sure you don't have any bodacious rooms we can rent for the night? My gnarly wife right here is right up the duff with a little bit of a rad dad junior. You're gonna have a kid. Fucking hell, what year is it? Have we invented abortion yet?

So, you don't have any room anywhere? Look, I've got a room around the back. If you want to crash in the stable, you can. Won't we be disturbing the cows and pigs? Nah, I let some fat Sri Lankan prick stay there last night. He meant... He mentioned something about cheat day

and I got up this morning and those animals were gone. Thank you, innkeeper. Although, to be honest, I was at this hotel last year and the innkeeper before you was much more popular and better at his job. Mary, you can finally relax now.

Let's settle in this stable for the night. Look, Rad Dad Joseph, I don't think I'm going to be doing much relaxing. I think I'm having this kid right now. Well, either, well, either it's a kid or a massive turd. Ah! Ah!d. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! It is a turd. Ah! Yucky. My baby. Oh, it was a massive turd.

Ah! My beautiful boy. No, you've got lines. Is that me? Oh, we have a beautiful baby boy. A him? What? Amen?

Okay. We have a baby boy. Well, a baby bogan to be honest and somehow wow immediately after it's born

somehow it's about to speak already I wonder what his first words are going to be Oi mum can I borrow 50 bucks what do you need that for

ah look you know I know I was only born a minute ago but Fleety's already asked me for 50 bucks oh look that for? Look, you know, I know I was only born a minute ago, but Fleety's already asked me for 50 bucks. Oh, look.

Suddenly three people have walked in. Who are these people? Oh, hang on. Let me guess. This is the three wise men. No, we've just walked to Maryborough to see this fuckwit. I'd say that makes us the three dumb cunts. I performed on Broadway, you guys.

But how did you find us? Oh, hang on, I get it. You followed a star. Followed a star? Does it look like there are any stars around here? More like a bunch of open micers. No, we just followed the trail of Frenzel ROM CDs. Who the fuck's that? I was born in... I'm 25.

You've been dropping rad, Dad. Hey, a bit of respect, dickhead. I'm Baby Bogan Jesus, son of God. Um, I thought I'm supposed to be your dad? A kid who isn't sure who his real dad is, well, you're definitely for Mary, bro. Anyway, we've come... I'm one of the dumb cunts.

Anyway, we've come to celebrate the birth of baby Bogan Jesus by giving him three precious gifts. Fucking sweet! What do I get? A pram full of woodstock cans a subscription to ralph junior magazine you know the magazine of baby porno um or a tattoo of a dolphin with massive tits nah a tattoo like that is a bit bogan, even for you. No, these presents are way more important and valuable.

First of all, I bring you the underwear of a very wise man. I feel like you left a word out there. Let me... Oh, yeah, OK, quick props department. Let me give you these. Oh, yeah, what? It's the most sensitive of underwear. Does it mean?

This is literally the underwear of Ronny Chieng. He got him on the head! What's Ronny doing with his underwear here? What's he wearing with his underwear here? What's he wearing on the Daily Show? Literally hitting women in the head with underwear. That was quite a good shot, whoever did that. That's shit house.

No, what about me? A baby just born into this world needs beautiful music. So here is a copy of Terry Pedestrian's latest album. And your final gift, something much more valuable than gold frankincense... It's their fuckhead. Where? Come on! Fucking hell. Something much more valuable than gold frankincense or myrrh,

it's an assortment of yellow chocolate mousse The 2015 Australian Grand Dairy Champion In the category of dairy dessert No preservatives and gluten free Wow I never realised there were so many ads in the bible Pretty shit presents You got anything else? Baby Bogan Jesus, don't be so ungrateful.

Shut up, cunt. You're not my real dad. Yeah, well, your real dad isn't here, is he? What up, bros? Yes, I am. I'm right here. This is God speaking. You stupid fucking idiots. I'm right here. This is God speaking. You stupid fucking idiots. I'm a little busy at the moment. Unlike you losers.

So just look after my son, will you? Despite his many, many disabilities. Good Lord. Stupid fucking idiots. Well. Rodney Chang, everyone. Well, I guess that's about it then. Baby Bogan Jesus has been born.

He's got his presents. His other dad has shipped in. I reckon that's probably the end of the story. Wait. Who's that? It's me. Sri Lanka Claus Fuck, doesn't this stable have weight restrictions? I'd love to see a chimney that you can fit down

I reckon Rudolph, Blitzen and Prancer must all have hernias now Let me guess what you're giving yourself for Christmas Type 2 diabetes Oh fuck this. Merry Christmas, each and every one of you. And don't forget to leave out cookies for me. Mate, if everyone in the world left out a cookie for you, that would mean you'd be eating 7.3 billion cookies in one night.

So I guess my question is, are you ready to cut back on your eating? Alright Dan! The theatre. An evening at the theatre. The comedy of Tommy Daslow and Carl

Chandler. All right, we have one last thing to do. Yeah, one last thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. First of all, give it up for Demi Lardner, Dilwook Jai Singer, Joel Creasy, Geraldine Hickey,

Anne Edmonds. One last thing before we go. You know, it is a Christmas show. We thought we will have a Christmas carol of sorts. Hey it's Christmas time please let's pretend you've opened your door there's a Christmas carol at the door and this is what you cop. Carl and Tommy the little dum-dum say, got him, the Little Dum Dum. The Westgate Bridge, they sing,

jump you dumb cunt. They were mates with Ronnie Ching, the Little Dum Dum. He's now gone from the Little Dum Dum. We're aware of them, the Little Dum Dum. Dildida come Little Tommy gets money from mum He's a poor boy too, yes, money from mum

Sounds like a lesbian on Little Dum Dum. Wears pants of Ronnie Chang on Little Dum Dum. Little Dum Dum, Little Dum Dum. Rosie paid for him, Little Dum Dum. Dildida come. Mary Burrows, biggest dumb cunt He lost a talent

show, what a dumb cunt Should have learnt to gum leaf blow, yes what a dumb cunt Not even on that Suvlaki show, yes what a dumb cunt What a dumb cunt, what a dumb cunt He is 43, the little dum-dum. Not true.

Dildida come. Merry Christmas, little dum-dum. Josh Earle, everyone. Guys, that brings us to the end of the Little Dum Dum Club. For another week. Fall on your knees. Guys that brings us to the end of the Little Dunlop Club For another week Demi Lardner, Dilruk Jaising Josh Earle, Joel Creasy Anne Edmonds, Geraldine Hickey

Thank you guys for listening at home Thank you everyone who came out here this evening And we'll see you next week Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Night