The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 271 - Tom Ballard & Rhys Nicholson

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

Alcoholism, Ask Mr. Karl and Beautiful Voices.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, thank you very much for joining us. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Back in the lounge room, we've been out on the road for so long. We haven't done a studio episode for a little while, have we? It's nice to get back to one of these ones where we don't have to be getting laughs.

You know what I mean? It's nice to do one where I'm sober. I think we need to talk to you about this. I think you have a genuine problem. We've got to stop drinking during those shows because they are a mess by the end. Yeah, yeah. Look, let's get on to that. Let's, well, you know, look, that's a good advertisement for we are doing

some more live shows. If you want to come and breatho me. Let's do that at a gig. Let's have a live breatho on stage at the very end. Like the way in with Dilruch. If you can keep yourself under a certain blood alcohol for the gig. That's a great idea. What have we got? We've got, so we're finally

doing this Ballarat, our first ever regional show. Our first ever rural show. Let's say rural. We're doing a show in Ballarat. So if you're in Victoria, if you're in Melbourne, go for a car trip. If you're in central Victoria – Go for a walk.

Yeah, go for a walk. So we're going to Ballarat on Saturday, January the 23rd at 4 o'clock. So come down if you're in Meribah or surrounds because it's very close to Ballarat. So we've got a bunch of Ballarat and Bendigo listeners, Geelong, people like that. A lot of Melbourne people have already indicated they want to come for a drive up there.

Make the trip. Car out a V-Line carriage together, guys. Go up together. Yeah. Yeah, there'll be like a bar in it. Sure, let's all go. You can all just listen to your favourite episodes together on the ride up it'll be great

Jesus yeah no you won't yeah unfortunately the train doesn't go over the Westgate so but hey

so that's on sale already and we are going to put on sale as the episode goes up tomorrow finally we're going to put on sale the Melbourne Comedy Festival show ticket so we're doing

hey here it is it's like last year it's in Melbourne it's on a Sunday afternoon at four o'clock we're at the European Beer Cafe wait we're doing, hey, here it is. It's like last year. It's in Melbourne. It's on a Sunday afternoon at 4 o'clock. We're at the European Beer Cafe. Wait, we're at 3, aren't we? Oh, sorry, 3 o'clock.

You're right. You're right. 3 o'clock. 3 p.m. on Sundays. And we've got a bonus show this year. We're going to do an extra live episode. What's the date of that? The extra live episode?

Yeah, what's the date of the extra live episode? March the 30th. Okay, and what possible reason could there be for doing a show on that date? Well, it might be a little bit of an anniversary for a certain podcast icon's birth. 40 years since a certain goggly-eyed man first

crawled out of that suite. I don't know if I don't know if we needed all of that description. You're right, I should save it for the actual gig. We could have just had the date. We're going to do every Sunday, plus we're going to do a late night birthday show special

that I'm going to assume is going to turn into slightly a roast if that introduction is any indication. So I think it's on a Wednesday night at 11 o'clock on March 30. So we're doing five shows, plus we're doing a drunk cast that you get in for for free if you buy a season ticket. So that is going to be awesome. That's the hot news up front. All on sale now, littledumbdumbclub.com.

We'd love to see you out there. All right, let's get this show on the road. What do you reckon? Okay. First of all, joining us, you know him from Dirty Laundry Live and from The House Owes Movie. Woo! And season one.

Okay. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Reece Nicholson Yay Alright Anything to add To those To that huge announcement

I've got all Balls of steel Just heaps of stuff I always think If I get recognised I'm about to be mugged So So that's

I also With the thing With the blood alcohol thing Yep You should do it like speed Where if your blood alcohol Goes down a certain level the venue explodes

yeah we torch it great idea yeah yeah I'm not promoting you know the idea that this is a glamorous thing or this is a good thing I am

okay that's fine but I'm just saying we're just talking about it's not an on purpose thing it just happens to be a thing where I have a few drinks when we're because I'm getting excited

yeah because I think you know alright all right, we've done all the organisation for a show and now it's my time to, you know... Have you heard your shows? Yeah, I've done all the organisation and now that the actual thing that people have paid for is happening,

time to just clock off. That's like the people who run the festival just going, well, we've set up all the venues and stuff, let's just get fucking wasted for the next month. Let's make sure nothing happens correctly. Hey, if you can argue with the product that comes out at the end, come and see me. Come for a refund if you think me being slightly over the blood alcohol level

is not still very, very funny, if not funnier than normal. Please. Are you drunk now? You slurred nearly every word in that sentence. I don't even pay to get in and I want to read fun. Let's get him in here. You know him from Q&A, Reality Check and Triple J. It's Tom Ballard.

Hey everybody. Hey man. Nice credits. Thanks man. Well done on your career suffer. Thanks very much Carl. I appreciate that. It's been really good for you. Thank you. I'm very happy with it all. The last time I was on this podcast, it was me and Joel Creasy, and now it's me and Tom Ballard.

Am I not allowed to be with other straight guests? Yes. Is that the rule? This is the Little Dumb Dumb Club end of year homosexual spectacular. Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying Tom Ballard is... Oh, no. Did I just out you?

One of you is going to have to leave. Sorry. I'm just stoked to be here because I listened to the last WM Club, apparently I'm not even a comedian So The joy of being here is I could never do what you guys do Hey, I was drunk When you wrote the script

I did want to ask you about that I was very puzzled when I read that It was literally That was within the script of the Nativity play There was some reference, I assume now that ask you about that. I was very puzzled when I read that in there. It was literally like that was within the script of the Nativity play. There was some reference, I assume, now that you're saying that, to you not being a comedian. It's just... Wait, you assume? I never remember what we've done

and I'm clearly very drunk when I'm doing it. So I just put that in going, you know what? You wrote that script at 10am. How much of a problem do you have? Look at how backpedalling you are to drinking. A second ago you were like, no, look, it's funnier. And now it's like, look, I was very drunk. Look, yeah, if you're doing a podcast or if you're doing any writing

for a podcast, that's my level of... Isn't that the point of a podcast? You don't write for a podcast? Nope. You've got to do some prep. Like, you know, well, I do. I do some prep. So, you know, that's not all just, you know,

you hear an episode of Rad Dad, that just doesn't magically happen. Anyway, Tom, I think the words you're looking for right now are apology accepted. Yes. I'm literally doing that because I'm like, you know what, for this moment where you come back and say, hey, and I'm like, ha, ha, ha, that's funny. I like just you going Hmm I don't know

What to put a joke in here Oh I'll just sell my friend Down the river That'll be fine Do ba do ba do That's fine Is this the first time We've met

It's pretty much What I've done For the last five years And I hope And look The suggestion of a roast Might have come Vaguely from my direction

I've put it out there Into the ether If it happens on the 40th I would be honoured and privileged to be on the stage if possible. I know you did suggest it to me, but to be fair, there's a long line of people waiting to roast this guy. Don't pat yourself on the back too much.

It's going to be so good. There's going to be a line of people waiting to get in as an audience and a line of comedians just trying to fit in as well. Me, Joel Creethy and Adam Richard could literally roast you live on stage. And that would literally be better than what the other guys have got in plans. Wait, a three-person roast? How does that work? We'll cut a hole in his thigh.

Too much? Was that too much? Too early on. No, I like it. It's good. That's more assault than roasting, but that's cool. Yeah. Well, we've been talking about alcoholism a bit so far,

and it's been very funny. But in talking about the last episode that people heard, the live Christmas show that we did featuring the Nativity play, do we want to talk about, because what the audience at home don't know is what happened following the events of that show. Sure. And if you were there, guys, can you ring in now and tell me what happened? No, so what happened was, if you were there, guys, can you ring in now and tell me what happened? No,

so what happened was, if you didn't hear last episode. Please talk into the mic if you could, that'd be fantastic. Sorry, for some reason you went to cough so I held the mic away

from my mouth. I want to make sure these germs get right in there. So, last week when we did the last live episode, if you came, thank you very much for coming.

It was a lot of fun. We got a lot of great feedback. Now, I started drinking during the show. I was very happy. We got to the end of the show and I got even happier. Would you say the only times you're happy is when you're drinking? That seems to be... Can we do a live from rehab episode?

A little dub-dub intervention. Why don't we just start going to people's bucks nights and just, obviously not my own, but just doing the podcast from there. So I think everyone, I assume that everyone started drinking after that because we were at a pub. We finished the show at about half past five on a Saturday afternoon. So everyone's getting involved in the revelry of how successful and how funny it all was.

So everyone's getting involved in the revelry of how successful and how funny it all was. And because we've got the host, we've got the sponsor of the alcohol going into the little Dun Dun Club, Milan from Punchline, who we've mentioned many times, who immediately is like, he gets very, very unhappy if you don't do shots with him. He is alcohol, I think, now. He's just a tub of alcohol walking around. He's the reason we get so drunk at those live shows

We should say Because he's always there And he's just bringing us beers while we're on stage Yes Constantly Yes, he's a very generous man He's like Shane Warne He wants everyone to have a good time

That's what I've heard about Shane Warne That's the constant quote He just wants everyone to have a good time And he's fucked Liz Hurley as well Yes, yes And so is Shane Warne Yeah So

So We Now my description of what happened next is sort of going to be a bit hazy because – This is where I think we're on the same page with how the gig went. Fantastic time, a lot of fun, bit of alcohol consumed. I think about 5.45 is where the timelines for you and I start diverging quite dramatically. Okay, right. So were you not drinking? I was drinking, sure, but I wasn't going as hard as you that early on because I'm an adult and so I hit a point where I was like,

I haven't had dinner yet. Yes. I'll start to slow down. Right. I'll order some food from the bar. I'll line my stomach and then that will allow me to continue drinking because I'm 29. I've been doing this a long time and I've sort of got it worked out by now.

Tommy ran out of money. I ate out of the bin, I'm like, that'll do me. Yeah, well, having said that, me, I was at my first Blue Light Disco. I was excited. I was very happy to be there. Someone had smuggled in some shandy in a hip flask. Shandy. I was very happy to be there. Someone had smuggled in some shandy in a hip flask. Shan. So, you know what?

In my head, I'm having a great time, but I'm not going overboard at all. I'm just sort of, you know, partying with everyone. I'm just going, this is all fun. Just having the occasional sip of mid-strength beer. Carl Chandler saying the phrase, I'm just partying with everyone. Do you know what? You seem like an educational video about how to spot an alcoholic in a workplace. Like the, no, I'm just having a good time.

So, honestly, I'm thinking, you know, I'm on the same level as everyone. This is fine. At some stage, I get alerted by Milan By our By my personal sponsor To Wrong use of the word sponsor In this context Sponsoring my alcohol So

He tells me Oh Dilruch just got kicked out Because Dilruch Jai Singh was at the live show He was a part of the live show He just got kicked out And I don't know why he got kicked out I don't know whether you can

You can Light that subject for me, whether you can tell me exactly what happened. I do know, but I am not going to say in public. All right. Can I just ask, was he still dressed as Santa Claus whilst being escorted from the venue? Yeah, I think he had the hat on when he got kicked out.

He was dressed as Sri Lanka Claus from the Nativity play. So he got kicked out. Milan said to me, Dilbrook just got kicked out. We've got to go and get him back in. I'm thinking, okay, that's a perfect plan with no flaws at all. Let's go downstairs. We go downstairs. We leave the venue.

We say to the band, you just kicked out our friend Dillrug. Put him back in. And he goes, not only am I not letting him back in, but there is no way you two are being let back in either because I think you're drunker than what they were, than what Dillrug was. So I'm like, okay, right, okay, that makes complete sense actually. So we went to Splane.

So anyway, while this is happening, you're fighting with a bouncer. Let's do a bit of Guy Ritchie film split screen action down the middle. I'm upstairs. My Palmer's arrived by this point, right? So I'm just eating my dinner. I'm having a great old time. So Dassler's mum sent in a Western Union money transfer, so he's got the Palmer.

Great. Shout out to Western Union money transfer, so he's got the Palmer. Great. Shout out to Western Union. They act very quickly. They've got the money right then and there, and I got it. Good on them. So you're upstairs. I then go to Spleen. Again, in my memory, I'm going, you know, this is fine.

I actually remember looking around me going, this is some sort of satiricon set up where everyone is, like, really extremely drunk, and I'm the only sane person in the house. This is like, how drunk are these people? So then I – It was opposite day. Yeah. So I leave.

I remember walking out the door. I vaguely remember you being there and then I remember walking out the door and then that's it. Then I have absolutely no memory. Well, you called me. You were very angry at me that you'd been kicked out. Oh, really? Somehow my fault. Yeah. You then wanted me to come and get you called me. You were very angry at me that you'd been kicked out. Oh, really? It's somehow my fault, yeah.

You then wanted me to come and get you back in. From which? Where? From the European. Oh, okay. Yeah, and I'm like trying to eat dinner. Right. Yeah, so then I'm, because this is the thing,

the word goes around upstairs, Chandler and Dill and Milan got kicked out. And then I said this to you the next day and you go, I said, oh, apparently you got kicked out. And you're like, I didn't get kicked out. I went to get Dillrook back in after he got kicked out. And then I said this to you the next day, and you go, I said, oh, apparently you got kicked out. And you're like, I didn't get kicked out. I went to get Dilruch back in after he got kicked out, and then I didn't get let back in. Which to me, you're really splitting hairs here. However you want to frame it for yourself to make yourself...

You kicked yourself out. I was already out. I just got stayed out. Yeah. Sure. No pass-outs. It's like a disco. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, speaking of pass outs. You guys can probably just leave for like 10 minutes if you want while we just wrap this up. No, I'm giving you a great story that you can jump on. So I leave Spleen. I then have no further memory. I

then wake up on the footpath in Richmond. So not even in the main street of Richmond, in a side street of Richmond. I couldn't even get on the main street of Richmond. So I wake up and I am so drunk that I get up like it's the most natural thing in the world, like time for work. And just get up and do that thing where i'm going

okay well now all i have to do is figure out where i am and literally walked around a block before i hit swan street and then went right now i've got a vague idea of where i am all right what time is this yeah and then that's when i realized that then a tram goes past and so i go oh easy i'll get on the tram i can go home and that's when i realized i'm surprised once you crack the mystery of where you were i'm like well, well, I solved this one. Time to reward myself with a drink. Glug, glug, glug, glug. Yeah.

So I get on the tram to go home and realise it's not even midnight. So I'm on the tram with people that have, like, gone, like families that have gone to the movies for the night. And I've been asleep on the ground for an hour. How would you have ended up in Richmond? Well, that's the thing. Because I don't live in Richmond. So I've disappeared from, I've like Doctor Who materialised

from outside of Spleen to Richmond. Now, all I can gather is that somehow I have been in the city, I've gone, I'll go home, Richmond's in between Hawthorne. I've got on a tram, a train or a taxi, got to Richmond and gone, you know what? This will do. This looks good. That looks comfy.

I'll get out here and just have a bit of a kip halfway before I get home. Great deduction there, Sherlock. What else would I have done? Was there a half empty box of yellow mousse in your hand? Stripling down your mouth. Sweet sponsorship. They want to get aligned with this story. Was there like a suicide note or anything?

Oh, man. No, there's no... You know what? I actually fell asleep... Like when I woke up, my initial big fear was that I'd lost my laptop. For some reason, I brought my laptop out. Then I found out I'd like fallen asleep

with my backpack on and my laptop on my back and just fallen asleep like some sort of drunk Ninja Turtle. So you're going to say you woke up with the laptop next to you and you've just fired up a sweet porno before you got to bed? No, I just got online, just toggled my phone and went, got on Facebook, I'm drunk, lol, time for bed. Just started listening to some episodes of Little Dumb Dumb Club. Sweet memories. Listen to that episode

that had just happened to try and figure out how I'd got where I am now Tom Ballard isn't a comedian So I get on the tram I go home I go to walk inside my apartment I walk in and immediately

I go straight to the kitchen sink and I start projectile vomiting into that which wakes up my girlfriend I walk in and immediately I go straight to the kitchen sink and I start projectile vomiting into that which wakes up my girlfriend who comes in and starts screaming at me what street was she sleeping on uh no she was in a bed how'd you get that so so she was at festival manage so she comes into the kitchen screaming what are you doing what are you spewing into the sink like why didn't you just do it outside? And I'm like, I didn't save it up. Like, I wasn't outside going, this will be a good one to bring inside. To be fair, she doesn't know this yet,

but you have spent a lot of time in the outdoors recently. So it's a fair question. Yeah, yeah. So I... Also, will you marry me? Imagine if that's the moment Oh no Will you make me Well to be fair

If you could throw up a ring To be fair I think I was down on one knee If not both If you do both it's more romantic The double propose So I get up the next day And I'm like I oh, I've clearly, like I was clearly drugged.

Like, you know, I took no responsibility. I was like, no, there's no way I can get that drug. Someone took a look at this and said, yes, please. Exactly. Someone took a look at me and went, well, I can't normally get this guy, so I need to roofie him. That's Joel Creasy. You've got to keep an eye on him, my friend.

Bloody asking for it. Big dick Creasy. You've got to keep an eye on him, my friend. Bloody asking for it. Big Dick Creasy. Walking around with your podcast on and you walk around that bar like you're everyone. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, honestly, I was like saying to people for the next day, oh, I think I was roofied. I think I was roofied. Because in my head, I'm thinking I was completely fine at the podcast.

I was completely fine at Spleen. And then I drank all these beers. And then I suddenly felt really drunk. And then I drank all these beers and then I suddenly felt really drunk. And then I walked out the front and I felt like that was it. It was just that one moment where I went, the light switch, and then that was it. I was out and then I was back awake in Richmond. So then I'm like, oh, I can't believe that. Then like a day or two later I went through my phone

and found 50 selfies of me at the European Beer Cafe and at Spleen with people I don't know over and over again and I'm like and it's it's like in daylight so it becomes very clear to me

that no no I've been drinking at a very early level and like you said you've lined your stomach I get up I'm stressed

it's exactly what Dilruch said on the last episode on the actual show he goes he points at me and goes you get really stressed before the podcast, you don't eat, then you start drinking, that's exactly what he did

I didn't eat all day and then just started pounding drinks. Are you sure there wasn't like a selfie of you and there was like a guy in the background putting a pill into your drink or something? Trying to Angela Lansbury yourself? I wish You need to put this, that whole all of them up as an album on the Facebook page Just put all of them up, please

I deleted so many of them already. Why? Because you looked like a real slut. Because there were so many pictures of my phone. I look ugly. Get rid of it. Yeah, anyway. But then I went back to Spleen on the Monday because we were running the kids.

Sorry, why were they on your phone? Why are you taking the photo? Hey, I don't know if I brought this up but I was very drunk. I was sleeping on the street in Richmond. Taking selfies is the least weird bit of the story. No, I disagree. I can totally see you

as a sleeping on the street guy. You taking a selfie is like really fucking weird. Did you take a selfie on the street? Oh, no. There was one. There was one. a lot There was one Oh, really? Have you still got it? Because when I was going through the phone

I was going I'm trying It's my own murder mystery I'm trying to figure out how I tried to kill myself I tried to figure out if there was any clues As to where I'd been for two hours It's fucking memento Can we do one of those things

Where we take you to all the places And see if you remember the crime? Please You need to lay back down on the concrete and go, no. Please. There was just this one weird picture where there's a picture of me nearish a sign that says, this is the end of the free tram zone. And I'm like, well, where?

That could be anywhere. I don't know where that is, but it's on the outskirts of the CBD. So you can't remember the exact spot where you slept? No, no, no, no, I don't. I don't. Oh, you don't. I remember getting up and then walking and finding Swan Street and that's all I remember.

So I don't know where exactly I was. But I went back to Spleen on Monday and the European Beer Cafe and was very sheepish because the first thing both bartenders said to me as I walked in was, oh, you weren't that bad, I guess. Like, oh, that's, of course I was. If you're leading with that, that's terrible. You like took a shit in the ice machine or something. Well, that's when I was very sheepish and I was like,

oh, no, what did I do? And they're like, oh, yeah, it wasn't that bad. Oh, well, you talked to the bouncer. He was a bit pissed off. I'm like, oh, really? Because like all I remember is just sort of looking down at everyone else that was there. I didn't think I was that bad. And they

go, oh, the bounce is a bit upset with you because well, to be fair, you did push over the DJ's table. Oh my god. Not enough avalanches. I know these guys. Oh, fuck. I'll get cyber when they...

I'm branded. I mean, we did the fundraiser thing for June Northern. We did it to raise money for Demi's tattoo. Next live gig, we've just got to raise money for you to fucking make sure you have some dinner. Next live gig we do, you are having your dinner on stage at the start of the gig. Yes, okay fucking make sure you have some dinner. Yeah. The next line that we do, you are eating, you are having your dinner on stage at the start of the game. Yes. Okay.

Great. I'll eat dinner on stage. Yeah. Sure. You can win an award. Instead of Milan bringing me shots on stage, he can bring me sausage rolls. Yeah.

You might get nominated for like an award for that. Like just one man eats a meal alone on stage doing a podcast. The first 20 minutes of the podcast is just... Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Just line my stomach. I think that's the drunkest I've ever been, I hope. And so what have you learnt from that, Carl?

Eat three square meals a day? Yeah. Well, meanwhile, I lined my stomach. I went out and did karaoke. I had a wonderful evening. Oh, okay. With my good friends surrounding me. Was I there?

No. Right, okay. Oh, no. With my good friends surrounding me. Was I there? No. Right, okay. Oh, no. At one point you left Spleen and then you came back and you just appeared near us and you went, where's my bag? We went, we don't care. Oh, yeah, that's right because I started ringing people. Yeah.

Because I'd lost my laptop and it was next to you in the end, I believe. And then I... Oh, yeah, it's my fault. Sure. No, no, no, no, no. No, I was ringing because I think you found it. I was ringing people and someone said to me the next day, yeah, you just rang me and was looking for your laptop.

I'm like, I didn't come to the gig at all. I don't know why you're ringing me. And then they were saying to me, what are you doing? And I was like on the phone going, oh, I'm just going for a walk. And they're like, it's midnight. I'm like, yeah, just stretching the legs. Okay, where are you? And I was like, oh, in the city?

Man, there's heaps of people here. And they're like, yeah, we know. It's like the city at midnight on a Saturday night. We believe you. And I'm saying, nah, you've got to see this. I'll take some pictures. There is a lot of people in the city. I think this has just unlocked your inner desire

to transition into being a full-time photographer. You were really snap happy this night Yeah I was Well I was suggesting before we started recording That we just discuss this Before we brought the guests in I bet you guys are happy we didn't do that now Because Jesus Christ

We're sort of the same I almost threw up at Stine Rathkopoulos' wedding About a week and a half ago That's my the drunkest I've ever been in a long time You almost threw up? Like he was on during the reception Steen Raskopoulos' wedding about a week and a half ago. That's my, the drunkest I've ever been in a long time. You almost threw up. Like, he was on,

during the reception, he was doing his, like, groom speech, this really, and I was one of the drunkest people there at that time. Like, they just did that.

Hang on, hang on. Was I there? I did wake up on the street in Melbourne. But you know that thing at weddings where they just keep filling up the champagne?

That's my place, Airbnb. You rented that out for them yeah yeah yeah the little patch like the little alleyway yeah yeah it's good

it's got good ratings you know the weddings where they just keep filling up champagne and you don't realise how much you've drunk yeah every wedding ever yeah

he was telling and he was tearing up and everyone else was tearing up and I literally could like I didn't end up throwing up but all I could imagine

at the time was like please don't just as he's talking about like and then my mum and like, please don't, just as he's talking about. And then my mum and just... And you don't want to be one of the one gay people at a nice wedding just throwing up during the speech. You're like, fuck you!

That's great that your body got so mixed up that it just like, everyone else has tears coming up. So it's like, well, some kind of fluid is meant to be kind of rising up in the body. What am I meant to do? I don't understand weddings. I don't understand heterosexual love. Jeez, yuck.

You let me do this, I'll stop spewing. It was a non-violent protest. Go to weddings and throw up on the bride. How do you like this, you white wedding bitch? What about you, Tom? How you like this, you white wedding bitch? What about you, Tom? What's the drunkest you've been lately? Can't think of one. Anyway, that's all we have time for.

Goodbye. I was at the Meredith Music Festival over the weekend with my good friend Tommy Alsop, and I have a two-hour blank of absolutely no memory whatsoever. So maybe you should tell the story. Oh, wow. It was pretty good. It was the most drunk I've ever no memory whatsoever So maybe you should tell the story Oh wow It was pretty good It was the most drunk I've ever seen you

This is just now Tommy Daslow narrates drunk friends Have you ever been drunk Tommy? How have I become the most responsible one in a group of people? What's going on? Have a look around mate Tom was quite drunk on the Friday night No judgement, we were at a music festival People were allowed to have fun

But you were in a group of My friends Kind of our friends let's say They've taken quite a shine to you after the weekend You were very drunk And you kept going up to everyone else in the group And going, is Tommy alright? I'm really worried about Tommy, is he okay?

And then people would look over at me. I'm just standing there perfectly still, just casually sipping a beer and watching the stage. And meanwhile, you're just like nearly falling over and like drools coming out. You're like, I'm worried about him. Is he okay? Did you just mean generally though?

Does he need money? Like in your life. Did you think you were talking about Carl? Hang on, which one's Carl? Just people recording conversations back to you Sometimes you're like, I vaguely remember that There's just nothing to grab onto at all I saw my friend who's having a bit of a tough time

Her dad has prostate cancer at the moment And apparently we talked about that for quite a while, and I didn't manage to offend her, which is pretty amazing. That's insane. We then did that awful thing on the Saturday morning after this big night, we're walking across the festival to go and get food.

It's not that far of a distance. It takes us over an hour, because we keep bumping into people who Tom saw the night before, and then going, wow, how are you feeling today? So it's like having that awful thing of having to relive your night

literally every three steps. It took us forever to clear the festival grounds. At one point you... That's great. You can put your whole night together though. That's awesome. I had no one. You can make a nice quilt out of your memory. You were at one point trying to steady yourself on our friend Emily

You had your arms around her From behind and were just kind of like gently Swying back and forth with her And I've seen it and Kyle check this out This is what I've said I've pointed to my mate and gone Wow Tom's so chopped he's forgotten what sexuality is It's good stuff right

But really they had sex that night I got recognised as Matt O'Kind At one point It's good stuff, right? That's bad. But really, they had sex that night. I got recognised as Matt O'Kind at one point. That's right. Was it by you? In a mirror. Oh, you're looking good, Matt. It was Alec Dyson.

He was fucked up, man. Did someone have the contrast on their eyes really badly done? The contrast on their eyes really badly done? The contrast on their eyes. Wow. Oh, mama. Again, I can't remember that at all. But then we got the photo and then I said, by the way, I'm Tom Bellard or something. Yeah, that's right.

Someone came up to you like, I love you on Triple J, yeah, Matt and Alex, Matt and Alex. Just over and over and over again. And then, yeah. Correct. You had to correct them. But hey, it was a fun time, just over and over and over again. And then, yeah, you have to correct them. But, hey, it was a fun time, right? I had a great time. Tommy went up on stage and shook his little butt around.

Oh, that was fun. Our friend was DJing, so it would have been about 10,000 people watching and the sweet eye candy they received was Tommy getting slow up on stage, getting loads of some R&B hits. Like an episode of Ally McBeal, little dancing baby going across the stage. Oh, man, that should be an episode of Rad, though. How come we've never brought up a dancing baby? Yeah, all right, that'll be next time.

Love interest for Jenny. If only I could think of someone to cast as the dancing baby now. The dancing bogan baby. Yeah, yeah. As much as you and a nappy would be very funny. Have you seen the bogan baby? Oh, wait. Yeah, no, I have.

Yeah, now I remember. Still got some of the nappies in my bedroom. Oh, so have I. I hope you bring someone home when they think that. Well, when we did it the first time, I can't remember if I said this on the podcast, I bought a bag of ten of them and so I only used one for that live gig and then thought, oh, we'll probably do this

again at some point, so I'll hang on to the bag. And then I just had to throw it out at a certain point because I went, man, if I bring someone home and they see this box of adult diapers, like, what's worse to say, oh, no, I legitimately need these because I can't control myself anymore, or, oh, no,

it's for a little joke on a podcast that I do. Right, dress up as a big baby. Anyways. Here's the wig. How about I wear it around now? Yeah, I've got a lot. Because I got kicked out at the podcast, right, or whatever happened. No, please tell us that story again.

Okay. Oh, sorry. I've just sobered up. Have I already told that story? So because I was out, I don't know what you were doing, but all of our stuff got left there. So you obviously didn't pick it up. Have I already told that story? So because I was out, I don't know what you were doing but all of our stuff got left there. So you obviously didn't pick it up. At least I had an excuse. Oh, right.

I came back on the Monday and was like, did you save any of our stuff? And so then they actually saved everything. So we had all of our merch was just lying around. Oh, right. Yeah. All of our mics and cords and then just on top of the box, a wig and a nappy. Oh, they might want this back.

Better hang on to it. Yeah. So just one nappy that you'd worn. Do you wear anything under the nappy? I have my underpants on, I believe. Okay, good. Yeah. That's good.

Yeah. Do you remember the first time you ever got drunk? I remember you did stand up about that time you got so drunk you blacked out and made restaurant reservations. Yeah. Do you remember the first time you ever got drunk? I remember you did stand-up about that time you got so drunk you blacked out and made restaurant reservations. Yes. Right? That was a classic. Yes.

But do you remember the first ever time that little Carly Chandler got a little bit sloshed? I think the first time I got properly drunk I do remember. I remember going to the Bull and Mouth Hotel in Maribor, Klang, being with my friends and drinking a lot of, I don't know if you were like this when you first started, but, you know, beer is an acquired taste. So I wasn't a big fan of beer to start with.

I was drinking quite sweet drinks. The old Lemon Ruskies? No. Smirnoff Double Blacks? Before my time, Lemon Ruskies, yes. What have you got? Vodka Cruises? No, I was drinking Blue Kirike.

Is that how it's pronounced? I don't think that's even on the market anymore. Is that not? Because they're blue. Mead. Carlos drinking mead. Well, it was a prohibition. It was whatever you could get your hands on.

It had just been given to us by the sun god. And we were very excited about it. Yeah, I was like, thanks, Ra. Thanks for that. So Blue Kirike, you don't know what that is? No. And we were very excited. Yeah. Thanks, Ra. Thanks for that. So, blue kirike. You don't know what that is? No. It's like very blue spirit.

Just blue. And you could light it on fire, I think, as well. Something like that. Anyway, I was drinking. Were you drinking petrol? Yeah. Yeah. With blue sunglasses on.

Yes. So, I was drinking that. And then I remember passing out at the pub and waking up to my friends spitting on me. And then – Jesus. Yeah. Good night all around. Who says country folk don't know how to have fun?

Yeah, exactly. And this was allowed to happen in the pub, just me being spat on by my friends and they're like, yeah, yeah. I mean, it is Tuesday night. So – and then I remember waking up the next morning and I was at my friend's house and then got a ride home to my parents. And then I was at home and my dad was just going, what are you doing? Because I was so drunk.

I was on our front lawn just going, don't talk to me. Don't touch me. I'm so hungover. I'm so drunk. And dad's like, yeah, I understand that. But why are you lying on the 35 degree sun on the lawn? Like, at least you can just go inside and get well this is actually not doing you

any favours how old are you as a boy? 10 years old I think like 16 I think so the sleeping outside thing you gotta have it yeah it was in Meribah it wasn't Swan Street Richmond but yeah first time I ever got drunk my friends and I thought it would be

a great idea to make vodka spiders. I've never vomited so much in my entire life. Just milk and vodka. So no fizzy drink? The ice cream was the milk. We made spiders. We went to an Aldi or something

and got a bunch of those types of drinks. And then just threw up some. I was throwing up back into the ice cream the next morning. Oh, man. And that combination. Kind of a funny story. Or interesting, really, actually. I think I got bored with myself during that story.

Just clocked out. Do you want a beer? I've got some in my pockets. Would you want to do this? Because we talked about it on the live show last week. We debuted our new segment, Ask Mr. Carl, that started off the back of us having Dr. Carl on a couple of weeks ago. So Ask Mr. Carl is just a much less informed answers to questions

that you want to ask. So I put that out there. It's like a mailbag sort of thing. Listeners have written in with their questions. Yeah, Ask Mr. Carl. So I guess this is a bit where we chuck in the tune. Do we have to? Oh really?

No we can put it in Let's put it in It's just very long though Oh is it? Okay here we go Here we go Here's a bit of Ask Mr. Carl

And we're back Alright so Ask Mr. Carl No we've got our own I know I just played I was helping Didn't you hear it?

Yes I did hear it I was adding to it Alright okay I'm a DJ Rewind I'm like girl talk. Right, okay. So I've got a lot of questions.

So how many should we do? Like three? Three? Three questions? Yeah, three. Oh, let's do three. All right. Ask Mr. Carl.

Do you want me to read them out to you so it's not just you asking yourself a question? No. Okay. This way I get to pick which ones. No, no, that was me asking Mr. Carl. That was me kicking it off with a question. Oh, okay. Well, there's my answer.

No. Yeah. Right. You're not going to field that one? I'll field asking Mr. Carl. That was me kicking it off with a question. Oh, okay. Well, there's my answer. No. You're not going to field that one? I'll field this one. No. I imagine you walking around the streets of Melbourne on Sunday night just doing this segment. Question number one for Mr. Carl.

Where am I? Go to strangers. Ask me a question. Yeah. Who are you? Yeah. What is the Tommy and Carl meeting origin story? Have we ever done that?

Oh, I'll fill this one. And will there be a Batman versus Superman version of the origin story? I think we've talked about it. Well, for the record, I will fill this one. We met... For the record, let the evidence show. Yeah, we did meet on a community TV show called... We met at Sexpo back in 98.

Yes, I was a dildo. So I... We worked together on Studio A, which is a community TV show, but we'd met vaguely before that. Yeah. We met at... You ran a gig. I think maybe the first time we ever met was I Did Your Gig.

Maybe, yeah. I Did Your Gig that was called... It was called... It was on a Sunday afternoon at Bar Open and it was I Did Your Gig. Maybe, yeah. I Did Your Gig that was called? It was called. It was on a Sunday afternoon at Bar Open and it was called Hash Browns and Cuddles. Wow. This was in a weird, for context, this was in a weird period in Melbourne comedy history. There's not enough context for that name. Every gig had like a weird name.

That was pretty common at that time. You have to give me that. Did it? Like what? Name another weird name. There was one called A Tasty Paste of Tiny Ponies. Oh, Christ. Yeah, there were a lot of them out there.

Charlie Pickering and Michael Chamberlain ran a gig called Stage Time. Weird. Yeah, but it's still, the gig had a name, right? Gigs had little names. And we just thought that'd be like a funny thing. Because it's the two things you want on a Sunday, a hash brown and a cuddle. All right. Should bring that back.

Shouldn't. So, tell me, what was it about Carl's act that appealed to you, on a Sunday a hash brown and a cuddle alright should bring that back shouldn't so tell me what was it about Carl's act that appealed to you that made you think I want this guy at hash browns and cuddles

I don't think you'd ever seen me I don't think I'd ever seen you but I'd heard you were good and I'd liked your work on MySpace I thought you were very funny

on there oh okay you used to put up lots of funny little pictures and stuff wow yeah MySpace pays off

yeah great yeah and then you turned up in pyjamas and I thought, what the fuck have I done here? This is going to drive Hash Browns and Cuddles into the ground. Treat Hash Browns and Cuddles with a bit of respect and maturity that it deserves, please. To be fair, I was

just dressed for, I was asleep on Swan Street I think just before that. And then, yeah, we worked together on Studio A. Yeah. And then, yeah, we worked together on Studio A. Yeah. And that's where this quotation marks friendship. That's where it just rose from community TV all the way up to a podcast. Hey, community TV in Melbourne is getting shut down.

They'll never take this off the air, baby. Yeah, great. All right, second question. Never take this off the air, baby. Great. All right, second question. Anthony Pierce writes, how do you look so young for a 40-year-old?

Is he talking to... Oh, yeah, it is Carl. Yeah, I thought he might have been asking Tommy. No, no, no. And why did you pick that one to read out? Well... And why did you start that Twitter account yourself? I will field this one. For starters, I am not 40.

I just want to make sure that we know that. I'm not 40. 55. No, that's older. That's even worse. So I, look, you know, how do I look so young for a 40 role? I'm not 40, so that's easy.

I'm 39. And I think... How do you look so old for a 39 role? Well, I think How do you look so old For a 39 year old Well I think that's That's I'm gonna I'm gonna side with Piercy on that one

I'm gonna say I look young for 40 Rather than what you're saying Which is much meaner Okay I think unrealistic Being mean's not good Is it Carl

Yeah that's bad If anything If you can take anything From me Yeah It's don't be mean Nah if I could take Anything from you,

it would be that microphone in this podcast. Wow, that was quite cruel. Yeah. Came out of me like venom. I feel like these guys are sitting here listening to you answer your own questions. Why don't we throw it? Yeah. What about, you know, going back to the first time we met.

When was the first time you guys met, Rhys and Tom? How did you first meet each other? Because you also, I think we've talked about this before, you guys lived together for many years. Yeah. In Sydney. 80 together for many years in Sydney. 80 years. 80 years, wow. Yeah, ages.

We met on Comedy on the Island, that island festival. Oh, yeah. When you were dating a prominent other comedian. Yep. Who? Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby. Yeah.

That was what the sound of that was was the gears in everyone's head trying to work out the funniest fake one yeah I almost yeah anyways

and then yeah we just kind of became friends I guess you moved to Sydney I did yes very boring story well I could add

an extra element to the story oh boy alright here we go oh look at this I don't think I've even seen this before an extra element to the story. Oh, boy. All right. Here we go. Oh, look at this. I don't think I've even seen this before.

Reece Nicholson looking uncomfortable. Yes. Here we go. I was going to tell this story as well, but then I thought you didn't. I was trying to wonder who we were protecting. Can I just pat, not to pat myself on the back too hard, but great call by me to throw it over to these guys.

I'm glad I'm not fielding this one. Please. Well, I don't want to embarrass Rhys too much. I could put in a request if you could, please. Well, prior to said prominent comedian being openly out there and in a relationship with this sweet piece of ass,

Rhys did have a conversation with him and inquires to whether or not me, Tom Ballard, might be a single homosexual. Oh, is that what you were talking about? Oh, right. Oh, you've got something else. No, never mind. What?

Oh, really, did I? Yeah. Oh, fucking years ago That's right Well it's always a story You were trying to find out Rhys was trying to find out If Tom was single

Yeah Right Which got reported back to me Via the boyfriend at the time Yeah Oh Actually I do remember Thinking that

When he came out And told everyone That he was dating you I remember going This is going to bite me At some point The chickens Have come home to ruin you. Biting you at some point is what you kind of want it to happen.

Yeah. So is the fire still raging inside you? Always. Always. Oh, the romantic Carl Chandler. That's hilarious. Now what was your one you were going to tell? Nothing.

Come on. Please, please, Rhys, will you field this one? I have fielded it enough. Have you got any idea of what Rhys should be fielding at the moment? Oh, man, this is going to have to be an after podcast question. Jesus Christ. The look on Rhys' face now is like he just got away with murder. Like the end of Ocean's Eleven.

We're standing there watching the fountain going off. We did murder someone. We met at a murder party. This is not technically double indemnity yet, mate. There is still... You still could get this out of you. The statute of limitations, I think. Please.

Oh, no. Okay, well, maybe it ties into your answer to that one. Maybe it ties into the second question that Carter asked That I'll now throw out to you How do you look so young for 25? It's cum all over my face all the time As if that wasn't going to be what I was going to say I like how that's the thing that you're very open with saying

And there's something deeper in the locker Maybe deeper in the locker Is what we're talking about in that first story You just get deeply embarrassed about Genuine emotion Oh yeah cum all over my face Heaps of times, heaps of random Maybe deep in the locker is what we're talking about in that first story. You just get deeply embarrassed about genuine emotion. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, cum all over my face. Heaps of times.

Heaps of randoms all over there. Oh, okay. All right. I think I'm blushing. I don't think I've ever... No! I genuinely don't think I've ever blushed before in my entire life. Blushing through the cum.

I know. I'm embarrassed. I'm great. Oh, he's touching my leg. Oh, the dream touching my leg. Oh, the dream's coming true. Done and come. Here's the third.

Let's say here's the third and final Ask Mr. Carl for this week. Why haven't you just changed your phone number yet? But also, please don't. I'll field this one. It is just pure laziness and it is just a, you know, early on I thought there's no way this is going to continue. It has continued on way longer than I thought it would. So I thought it's going to be a pain in the ass to, you know,

re-give everyone a new phone number. I'm going to miss out on business opportunities. I'll just keep the number. I'll just put up with it. Don't laugh at the business opportunities. So I've just put up with it. When laugh at the business opportunities So I'll just put up with it When Microsoft is going to call you Yes When Microsoft is going to call me

When Bill Gates is going to call me I agree though It is a real headache to change your number Definitely Yeah Definitely So which You know what

Which leads into a subsection of Ask Mr. Carl Which is Carl's phone bag Hotline Chang Yeah Yeah I like I like Carl's phone bag. Hotline Chang. Yeah. I like Carl's phone bag. You always text me on my cell phone. Someone texted me because there's been a lot of people texting me

in the last couple of weeks. A lot of 17, 18-year-olds texting me saying, hey, any advice on school exams and stuff like that? Like I'm going to help out. Also, how do you stay so young? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's an answer on this exam. Aren't you in year 12?

So someone texted me yesterday that just texted me their results that they'd got straight away. Their VCA results had come via text. They'd immediately forward them to me. They'd got C pluses. All these here, I don't even understand what it is. C plus, C plus, C plus, B plus, B plus, B plus, B plus, B plus, C plus,

A, B plus, B plus, and then maths, E plus. And they said, on the way to the Westgate, or maybe I could be an accountant if Dil can be. I don't even know that's a grade. You can get E+. But I didn't even think they were still using letters and stuff. Isn't that like a fake American thing that they... Well, because F's fail, isn't it?

No, D's like a fail, isn't it? Well, F is a fail in all the movies and stuff. But I think F is just because it's lower. I don't think it's E's F for fail. I got F's and I got D's. I never got an E. I literally didn't know that they were F. If D's fail, why bother with the degrees of how bad you are with E's and E pluses?

Yeah. So my response actually was E plus, how did you get that? And they said, oh, look, I just gave up. Like it was hard maths. So I just – he says, I gave up and concentrated on the other subjects. In the exam itself, I knew I didn't, I gave up and concentrated on the other subjects in the exam itself. I knew I didn't know anything about math, hard math. So this is what he said.

I just wrote about my favourite things in that exam, i.e. your show. And I went, really, did you actually write about our show in your math exam and hand it in? And the guy goes, I just listed my favourite songs and albums of the year, my favourite sandwiches and recipes for pizza, and yes, collated a list of my five favourite podcasts in which you and your little mate Jenny sat at number one. But wait, but he's still got an E+.

Yeah, the plus. There's been no maths done in there whatsoever. I reckon it's like the person marking it's gone Well one through five are in the right order Yeah That's my guess He knows numbers Yeah

So we often wonder how we can get the podcast out there more Guys please do what this idiot has done And list us in your maths exam In any exam you do in 2016 Yeah it's time to go really grassroots with this podcast. If you've got a court date coming up, try and use this podcast as part of your defence. Yes.

Play some episodes. Is the podcast not just grassroots in itself? Yeah, sure. Okay, sure. But hopefully you put this in your exam. We get a lot more teachers listening to our show from now on. Maybe we get a lot more judges listening. If you've got any weird thing in your life that you don't care about,

just segue references to the Little Dumb Dumb Club in there. Mention it on your suicide note. Yeah, exactly. That's good. And I certainly will be. That's happened in the future and people listening in now. A fond welcome to any grieving

loved ones joining us on this episode for the first time. I think, Jacob, you're always welcome at the little dum-dum club. Teachers would be good because after a while with teaching, my parents were teachers, like you give up afterwards, it's so hard, you know, and you get just like beaten down by the system. But listening to this show, they'll be like, fuck,

we need to educate people so they don't turn out like the other retarded assholes. Please, Carpe Diem, don't Carpe Dum-Dum. We need to get episodes of this onto the syllabus. That's all we need. They study it in history of mistakes we've made. Out to kill a mockingbird in Little Dum-Dum Club.

Yeah, I had to study Gattaca. I had to watch it again and again and again and go over it with a fine tooth comb. I'd love people just having to listen to this again and again and again. We had to study Emma versus Clueless, like the movie Clueless versus the book Emma. Maybe we could just do Emma versus Little Dum Dum Club. Like just try and do comparisons wherever they possibly can.

To be fair, Clueless is based on Emma. Is this not based on Emma? Have I misread this entire podcast? I've been listening to it for years as if it's based on Emma. This is based on Clockwork Orange. I thought we were basing it on Mein Kampf. But just the question, now what did Carl really mean when he called Tommy a dumb cunt?

Any theories in the classroom here? That would, to be honest, be the best class I ever took. If you were asking that question, that would be quite good. What do you mean you ever took? Are you Rodney Dangerfield going back to school to study your own podcast? Yes. Aren't you going back to school to study your own podcast? Yes. Aren't you going back to school?

Yeah, I am. Let's talk about that. Yeah, I'm going to finally finish year seven. Billy Madison all over again. Strangers with candy. Yeah, I'm going to university next year to study animation. Yay! That's a big thing on your podcast.

I don't know if it's particularly funny. Do they teach that at university? Yeah. Yeah, right. How to animate.'s particularly funny. Do they teach that at university? Yeah. Yeah, right. How to animate. Yeah, nice. What university are you going to? Can you reveal that?

I mean, I don't want there to be a big horde of fans out the front every day when I'm trying to go in and do my study. Have to take your police escort to work. Like the president's daughter. Yeah, I drive the Popemobile in every day. Tommy Dazzler, I studied you in year 12. What a pleasure to be studying alongside you as to drawing little pictures. Tommy's finally growing up, going back to school to draw little cartoons.

Wow. While balding. What a fuck up. Mature age student. Oh, yeah. I'm a full mass. You are Mature age student. Oh, yeah. I'm a full mass. You are a mature age student as of next year. Do you go in five days a week?

I think it's... You might get tired if you do that. Yeah, yeah. It's not that many contact hours a week. Right. I imagine it's like three days a week. You imagine. You should probably get on top of that.

Yeah. It's actually eight days a week. When you get your like how your classes are all divided up. Wow. Like you should probably get on top of that. Yeah. It's actually eight days a week. When you get your, like, how your classes are all divided up. Wow. Are you excited? First day of school. I'm excited. I'm sort of nervous about it in a lot of ways. Yeah.

Yeah, it's something I've always been interested in and it's what I wanted to do at the end of high school and then I just didn't and now I'm finally getting around to it. Who cares? So are you saying that comedy was your backup plan for animation?

That was your fallback? No, it was basically what I wanted to do all through school and then in year 11 I started doing stand-up and I just liked that more and I also went, I don't know how you'd make a living doing animation in this country because it just doesn't seem to be an industry and now here

I am with a wonderful career in comedy. Tommy, how have your 10 gap years been? By the way, the listener won't have picked this up but midway through me telling that story, our recorder ran out of batteries. I ran down to the shops to get some. Is that where you went?

Yeah. And the woman at our local milk bar went, you have a lovely voice. Are you a singer? And I'm like, no. Because all I said was, can I have some batteries, please? And she goes, have you been training your voice or something? And I sort of want to go, well, I am sort of three quarters of the way through a pretty fire podcast at the moment. Can I have some

milk please? Wow. Are you going to ring up the animation school and go get fucked? I'm going on The Voice. I'm going to Pavarotti University. Pavarotti U. They're great that couple. There's this couple around the milk bar and I walked in and I had a t-shirt and there were, I don't know why I have a t-shirt and there were I don't know why I have this t-shirt but there were like two sexy ladies

on the t-shirt and the guy saw it and he just like raised his eyebrows going yeah ladies nice and then you look

back at him and go nah not really they're good they've got they're one of those weird milk bars where like they've got like they sell

like HDMI cables and USB sticks like they have everything in there. But their freezer is just full of like... You know when you get... If you get a box of ice creams, the wrapper that they're in isn't the same wrapper that they're in in the shops.

It'll just be like a white one that says, not for individual sale. They've just got the freezer loaded up with them. Oh, really? They're running a bloody scam down there. Yeah, yeah. That's illegal. Yeah.

They have no idea what anything's priced as well. They're scalping from coals. How much is that? Yeah, I, that's illegal. Yeah. They have no idea what anything's priced as well. They're scalping from Coles. How much is that? Yeah, I went in there to get a Gay Time that was in one of those little packages. Anybody want to take that? Yeah. Did the guy look at it and look at you and go, Gay Time? Nice. But they're like

$3.50, which is high for a Gay Time and even high for a Gay Time that you've just taken out of a... I don't think it is high for a Gay Time. No, I don't think... I think that's about... I reckon it'd be closer to four. That's RRP. I was more surprised

at how the price of the gay time has skyrocketed in the last couple of years. It has, yeah. And I sort of thought about... Man, you're getting older. What if I just bribe her into, tell you what,

you give me two bucks for this or I'm calling up Gay Time HQ and telling them about the little racket, the little bootleg racket you got going on in this freezer here. Yeah. Hello, Gay Time HQ.

Yeah, we know it's a funny name. We're aware. Thank you for calling. Their number should be delisted. It should be a private number. They're probably the one number that gets it worse than you, I'd say. Yeah, I've got to complain. You've got to complain.

I've had 20 calls today. Must be nice. Poof-da. It really would be so much today. Must be nice. Poof-da. It really would be so much of that. Just like, poof-da. Yeah. Just people driving. Imagine the people driving past hanging out of cars yelling at the Gay Time Factory.

God. But I like the idea that you think from the street it's that obvious that that's what it is. Just a big sign that says, the Gay Time Factory. No, it's got a big quiff, it's got a stripy shirt on, walking down the street. Skinny jeans. I feel like we probably drove past it on the way to Cheltenham out to the old yellow factory. The moose factory.

Yeah. So anyway, yeah, that's me. I'm going back to school next year. Big announcement on the podcast. Exciting. I mean, just there's going to be so many just great stories on this podcast are going to come from it. All the college girls I'm going to meet. Oh, my God. All the sexy.

The crusty old dean. Sexy co-eds non-stop. I mean, my God. Man. Can you do an after school special podcast? Like where we all learn lessons and everything like that? Can we do a podcast in O-Week out there? Well, you know what?

They showed me around the campus and it's like a film and TV school. So they've just got all, they showed me all these like recording suites that they've got and part of me went, we can just bloody do the podcast in here on this suite here. Let's sneak in. Let's do a bootleg podcast at my university. I love how the years have treated us all.

All of a sudden you're the 30-year-old mature age student next year with a bunch of 17-year-old lively little animation wannabes and you're the guy saying, this is what you're going to be. What do you mean? Well, this is what you're going to turn into at some stage. I'm not 40. I look good for 40 and I'm not 40. How about you go back to university and study wedding planning,

you piece of shit? Oh, wow. Mum and dad are fighting. Trouble in paradise. Wow, this is paradise? Yeah. I have a pretty horrible upbringing. Trouble in the wasteland. This is usual.

Trouble in hell. Or, as they call it, hell. Well, should we wrap this up for another week? Sure. Guys, that brings us to the end of a little dum-dum club for another episode. Rhys Nicholson and Tom Ballard, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Remember, Howzo's the movie.

Still available. Bargain bin. iTunes? Yep. I was in three DVDs and a bargain bin at JB Hi-Fi recently. I was very excited about it. Were you actually in the bargain bin? Could you see the movies in the same bargain bin?

Wow. How's those and two DVDs of Balls of Steel? Oh, wow. Were they all touching? Yeah. I put them on another rack. Wouldn't that be sad? Mate, bring in your own printed out little Rhys Nicholson section.

Just stick it on a shelf with those three DVDs. Yeah, those are combo packs that they put out. Head out of the Westgate. Yeah. Things that you would like to plug gentlemen my butt

yeah I was about to say is that the story your mum the no I don't know festivals comedy festivals yeah I've got comedy

festivals coming up what's the name of your show it's called Bonafide recently I was sitting in Bonafide and you were going what Adelaide Perth

Melbourne no Adelaide because I lack of the money. Yeah. And having said that now, we'll not be going back. Melbourne. You want to talk about not selling tickets at Adelaide. You've covered the ropes. Melbourne, Brisbane.

I'm doing Perth Fringe World, Perth Comedy Festival, Sydney, and then maybe Edinburgh. I don't know. Cool. Sweet. Timmy Bill know. Cool. Sweet. Timmy Billions. Yes! What have you got? My show is called The World Keeps Happening and it is coming to Perth

Fringe from Jan 22 for eight shows. I'm coming to Adelaide because I love you Adelaide very much so. And you treat me well. You're the one. Yep. Two and a half weeks there. Also heading to Brisbane Comedy Festival. Must be that shitty drinking water drives them a little crazy in their head

If this is the guy they're going to check out You know what I'm saying Bloody churches and murders Anyway Churches, murders and Timmy Billiards Perfect combo

That show will be at Melbourne Comedy Festival too I also have another show at Melbourne Comedy Festival called Boundless Plains to Share which is a hilarious exploration of Australia's immigration history

Timmy 2 shows. Why don't you just call that Barrel of Laughs? Barrel of Laughs. That'll be in Adelaide. Yes, and that is 11 shows only. It's a Moosehead show and I would love people to come to that too. Did someone say Moose? Yes. Chocolate Moosehead show.

That's what I would go to see. Can you guys please give away an award called The Moosehead? Yeah. And it's just a tub of moose. Has that guys please give away an award called the moose head? Yeah. And it's just a tub of moose. Has that ever been talked about before? No, no. But I'm tipping I'd be awarding it to myself to be completely fair. Just eat the moose.

Yeah. Put the moose in your head. Yes. End of ceremony. That's your reward. Nom, nom, nom. Lie on your stomach. It's a good idea.

We've got our live podcast at the Comedy Festival on sale now. We've got our Ballarat show on sale. My Comedy Festival show, Little Golden Dasolo, is on sale now as well through my website, TommyDasolo.com. All of our other stuff, LittleDumbDumbClub.com. My T-shirt's left. My show isn't on sale.

It will be soon. It will be called Carl Chandler Defends His Title as World's Greatest and Best Comedian. Is that serious? Yeah. Good question to hear. Yes, it is. I'll field this one. Do I have and best comedian. Is that serious? Yeah. Good question to hear. Yes, it is. I'll feel this one.

Do I have to tweet you to ask that question? No, you won't be able to because you won't fit the title in the tweet. But, yeah, our T-shirts, man, our T-shirts are sold great. So get on to that. If you're hearing this before Christmas. How do you get that? Do it immediately because we are actually selling it as sizes and we won't be able to reprint for a little while.

Santa's little elves are just busy as in the workshop stitching up those little T-shirts, aren't they, Carl? Yeah, stitching up tickets to our comedy festival shows as well. Wait, do you mean small Asian children working in a sweatshop? Yes. Okay. When I go to Thailand tomorrow and pick up the kids, yes. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. You've got a lovely voice. Guys thank you very much for listening And we'll see you next time See ya mates You've got a lovely voice