The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 273 - Greg Fleet & Chris Wainhouse

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

On The Lamb, Prison Food and The Comedy Twins Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, as you have heard, we have just announced a whole bunch of live shows all around the country. Carl, January 23, where are we going? Oh, we are going really, really close to Mirabar to a little central Victorian town called Ballarat, where I used to live for about eight or nine years. I don't know about the gold rush. There'll be a bloody lol rush with Mirabar in town, won't there? Oh, I'm not going anymore. Then, Feb 13, we're heading over to Adelaide.

We are back. We said we'd never do it again, but we went back on our word because we're heading over to Adelaide. We are back. We said we'd never do it again, but we went back on our word because we had such a fun time last year. Yeah, and you guys came out and everything. So, this time is cool because it's only $21 to come along instead of $50 like last time. We're only doing one show, one sweet podcast. We're in the middle of Adelaide Fringe Festival, so you know we're going to have big, big, big guests and not just idiots.

Idiot open mic is like we dragged along last time. Brutal. Then March 20, we're heading over to Brisbane as part of the, well, not as part of, but during the Brisbane Comedy Festival. Definitely not as part of. We have not paid a registration fee. We're operating parallel to the Brisbane Comedy Festival. We just happen to be in Brisbane when the Brisbane Comedy Festival have lured all big

names up there. We just happen to have stumbled across Brisbane then. We will be poaching some of those names for our... Will we? Yep. Oh, look, if they accidentally walk into our podcast, who are we to stop them? Then we've got the whole month of March,

well, the end of March and all of April at the Melbourne Comedy Festival every Sunday. Big, big guests. You guys know the drill by now. That's all on sale, including season passes, including a bonus show on the Wednesday, March the 30th, the Carl Chandler 40th Birthday Spectacular. At 11pm. It's a big late night show.

So all of those shows are at the European Beer Cafe in Melbourne, where I do my Thursday night regular comedy room throughout the year. So that's four Sundays, plus a drunk cast on the very last night of the festival plus the 40th birthday show. All of that stuff is over at littledumbdumbclub.com. Buy a ticket and we'll see you out there. Or you can get a season pass which guarantees you entry to four of them plus the drunk cast but not their 40th birthday.

But yeah, they're all on sale at Little Dumb Dumb Club along with the t-shirts. Okay. Love you. Bye-bye. Come along with me to the butterflies and bees. You can wander through the forest And do what you have to please The familiar strains of the Little Dumb Dumb Club theme song. Once again, the same way you always hear it.

Welcome in. Hey, mates. Welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. My voice sounded very nice when I sang that. Do we have to pay rights for that now, whatever that was?

Well, it's fleety, so probably yes. Yeah, I'm going to have to go home and fill out an APRA contract now, aren't I? Everybody out there, my name's Greg Fleet. I'm a friend of the show. I've decided that Tommy Dazzler looks like Finn the Human from Adventure Time. So, right in. In fact, call in now. Call in and tell us who you're with.

That reminds me. Welcome to the show, Greg Fleet. Oh, thanks. I just assumed you wouldn't welcome me because, you know, I don't know, I probably didn't turn up to a gig a month ago or something. Fuck to I know. Yeah, yeah, we were very rude. We probably weren't going to introduce you mainly because you're the

first person that spoke on our show. Hey, well, you've done the theme song, you've introduced yourself. Would you like to introduce the other guests that we have here today? I would love to. And this would be one of those moments where if it wasn't, you'd just panic and go, oh, my God, I've forgotten their name. I don't want them to know. And you just talk to you.

But I haven't forgotten his name, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa, great plays are professional, everyone. Wow. The unforgettable, the incomparable Mr. Chris Wainhouse. Yeah. Where was your sung theme song, Wainhouse? My theme song is Welcome Back Cotter. Yes.

Same theme song from Welcome Back Cotter. Because he looks exactly like Horshack. Oh, I don't know about Horshack. Oh, hang on. Who was the good looking one of them? Yeah. Travolta. Travolta.

I look like a young Travolta. Vinnie Barbarino. I dance like a young Travolta. Like a young one. Dance like no Travolta is Travolta. I look like a young Travolta. Vinnie Barbarino. I dance like a young Travolta. Like a young one. Dance like no Travolta is watching. Yeah. Yeah, thank you very much. I am here.

My real name is at ChrisWayneHouse at Twitter. Oh. That's my full name. Getting the plugs in very early. Yeah, yeah. I'm plugging. That's your title. I'm plugging.

You are one of the rare people, one of the rare comedians that actually ask to be on the podcast. So, you know, congratulations. Thank you comedians that actually ask to be on the podcast. So, you know, congratulations. Thank you. That makes you sound desperate. That's bullshit. I think the difference is one of the rare... No, I ask not to be on the podcast.

One of the rare comedians that ask to be on the podcast that we actually want to have on the podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, that makes it... That's a bit better. I love this podcast. I heard this was a little bit like a certain venue. No.

If you want to be on this podcast, you're not allowed to ask. No. No. That's not true. That's why I was asking. You outfoxed them. Can I please be on the – oh, yes, you can. What the fuck?

This has changed. This is not what I heard. He moved to Melbourne just to not be on this podcast. No, no, that's not true. That's not true. You're allowed to ask to Melbourne just to not be on this podcast. No, that's not true. That's not true. You're allowed to ask to be on the podcast. But you've got to be at least as good. It's like a fairground attraction ride.

It's like you've got to be at least as good as Chris Wainhouse to ask and get on this podcast. There's like a height thing. It's actually not height. It's quality. It's a weird measurement. You've basically got to do a joke and it fills the space. You've got to be at least as good as a young Vinnie Barbarino.

Yes. And you have to dance like everyone's watching. Hey, this is a little nugget that came to me the other day via a local Melbourne comedian, Blake Freeman. Very lovely young man. He told me that he was walking through the city and he saw a man kind of head down just like muttering to himself and as he gets closer he hears this guy going,

fucking, fucking, they're all fucked, they're all fucking cunts, they're all just, they're all fucked, they're all completely fucked. And then took great joy in telling me, then when I got a little bit closer I noticed he was wearing a little Dumb Dumb Club t-shirt. Oh, wow. So the brand's getting out there, guys. It's really good stuff.

Wow. I'm reaching your audience by the sounds of this. Yeah. I like to think that those two things are linked. Like the fucking fucked cunts that he's getting so worked up about. Yeah. That's us. Oh, right.

I like to think that he's just listened to the show. Headphones in. Yeah. I saw somebody abusing the two of you and Dilrach as one of your guests. But he was obviously a little bit fucked in the head. And he was abusing those three metal dudes that are on the corner of Swanson Street. You know, those three guys standing there. He thought that was the two of you and Dilruch.

There is not a statue big enough to confuse with Dilruch. I'm sorry, the three of them were Dilruch and you two were buskers. Are you sure this wasn't in Adelaide and it was just those, like, giant round metal balls in the Rundle Mall? That's a bit more quirky. No, someone mistook the Rundle Mall for Dilruch. How good is it if we were making jokes like this about someone for being gay or for being a woman, we'd be being persecuted,

but because it's only about being fat, that's not an issue these days. No one's got any kind of body issues. You are looking quite slender. I've noticed that as soon as you walk in. You're looking in good shape, Greg Fleet. Thank you. Oh, sorry. Sorry, that was yours.

Maybe I've been doing it in the nude with the lady. Oh, really? Is that it? Yeah, maybe that's it. The Greg Fleet exercise video work out? Well, what it is, is you get paranoid because you suddenly go, oh my god, I hadn't thought about anyone else seeing any of this.

And then once somebody starts wanting access to it, you've got to quickly get in shape. So you're a lights on kind of guy. I'm all lights off. No, lights off please. Lights off. And that's with your wife. It's with my wife, it's with my kids.

It doesn't matter. When I stay over. Yeah. Somebody wants access to it. I mean, my heart just flutters when I hear the burgeoning romance of someone wanting access to it. Yeah, that's a hallmark Valentine's card, isn't it? Can I have access to that?

Can I have a go at it? I just walk around nightclubs going, access granted. Yeah, AAA pass on my bell end. Access all. Are you in such good shape? Because as we've all been reading in newspapers and online, Greg Fleet's been on the run. On the lam.

You've been on the lam. Is that the best way to lose weight? And I got the biggest, the most feedback I got from those. So just a little bit of context. There was a thing in the paper online that you were due for a court appearance. You hadn't showed up. So there was all these articles saying Greg Fleet on the run, wanted, missing, whatever. We're aiding and abetting right now.

Arrest warrant issued for comedian. I'm ringing duck triple zero right now. We found him. What brought down Building 7? We think it might have been fleeting. Here's a little bit of advice for you, children. Now, this is all in the book, the Greek Fleet book, These Things Happen.

It's all, I thought by putting it in the book, it would make it not newsworthy. But basically, just before I stopped my habitual use of uh heroin i stole something from someone and my idea was where's my mic on and then i started using it started stealing no but i thought uh it was a typical dumb junkie thing i thought i could hock this thing and by the time my friend got back from overseas, I'd get it back. None of it happened. But here's a little bit of advice for you.

If you're going to steal from someone and you don't want it to be in the papers, don't steal from a journalist, kids. Yeah. And her picture in the story was bigger than mine. Fuck, you've been poorly done buying this story.

And I gave her access to it. I gave her access, all areas, still got in the photo. Why didn't you just steal her photo? Then they would have only had your photo. She said she wanted access to it, and I said, right, I'm going to steal your jewellery. You should have stolen the computer so she couldn't type up the story. Oh, damn it.

You guys have done this before. Oh, man, but you were on the have done this before. Oh, man. But you were on the run officially for like a day or something. It was very exciting. It was really interesting because I was in Adelaide shooting, I did like a small part in the series of Wolf Creek. They're making a series of Wolf Creek. Right.

So I had a small role in that. I, you know, come home swanning around like, yeah, I'm working on the telly, whatever. I get home and there's a message from somebody going, hey, man, are you okay? And I heard that you're in a lot of trouble. And I'm like, no, because Craig Egan's reading this off Facebook. He's like, have you seen this?

I'm like, no, no. Yeah, so I had no idea. And I look at this, I lost it. I totally freaked out. Because I'm over there having a great time, you know, thinking everything's cool, and arrest. Got Rundle Mall in your pocket? Did you get arrested?

No. It was a total beat-up. I rang the police, and they said, oh, just come in. I went into the police station. That's how they get you. Yeah, yeah. That's how they get you. Amateur thief rings the police.

You've won tickets to the big day. We've got a set of they get you. Amateur thief rings the police. You've won tickets to the big day. We've got a set of bracelets for you. Brilliant. They just made another date. As it turns out, I can't do that date. I'm ringing them beforehand this time and saying, can we change the date? Don't.

You heard it here first. He's back on the lam, everyone. You trouble maker. Get some publicity for your festival show, for your book. It'll be cool, Don't. You heard it here first. He's back on the lam, everyone. Get some publicity for your festival show, for your book. It'll be cool, Flitty. You won't get in any trouble. Where do people go when they really want to disappear? The little dum-dum club.

No one will ever find you in here. Well, to be fair, the last time you went to court, you rocked up with a copy of your book like this. They've got the photos, they've taken photos of you. You've got your book in front of your face, just publicising that. Well, the guy said to me, aren't you going to run? The photographer said, aren't you going to run? And I went, no, and I'm not putting a jumper over my head.

And I held up the book and he went, oh, you're good at court. You're good at court. I think he meant you're good at court like in the old days when you'd entertain the king. He was very good at court. He was so good at court. Did you have a sketch artist in there? Yeah, you were the court dumb cunt.

There was a point to, oh yeah, so I wrote it, I quickly went on things saying, look, I've rang the police, it's all sorted out, it's not a big drama, I'm not on the lam, da-da-da-da. The most feedback I got was from comics going, when you're on the lam, it's not L-A-M-B, I'd written the L-A-M-B. It's L-A-M, apparently. Oh. Well, Chris had noticed.

You finally slipped up. I don't know. I never escaped. Speaking of being nearly sent to jail. I got caught from the very beginning. But nearly sent to jail. Chris Wainhouse is the end product, right? Yeah, I'm the end product.

I didn't know I was going to jail. I thought I was just going to court. did you get that i thought i was going to court he went he said i'll be back in a couple of hours i just gotta go get my court case adjourned yeah six months later yeah but yeah after i'd broken into taking the money and the drugs so when you went to court you thought you were just going in for i thought i was going to court i'm like yeah i'm just you thought you've gone in, you're shot a guy in the head, you're going to get slapped on the wrist, I'll be back home. My lawyer thought that. My judge thought that. No, the judge was the only dude who was off the page.

He was like, no, no, we're going to go to jail. I was like, oh, you fucking, you dick. Are you serious? So did you have your family... No, I can't. I haven't got room in my diary to pencil that. I can't even pencil that in. Well, I don't know.

I don't know how the Wayne... I think I do know how he feels, but we've got a bit of a mutual appreciation. Chris Wayne has his... We don't. He doesn't. He doesn't feel the same way about me, but he's one of my favourite comics.

He's in the Mooney class for me. Oh, really? Yeah, he's up there with the Moon Man. Mooney who? I don't know. Mooney... Mooney... Mooney class for me Oh really Yeah He's up there with the Moon Man Mooney who I don't know Mooney Mooney Mooney Carter Cash

Right She was married to Johnny Cash Right Okay Where are me and Tommy In your What are we comparable to You're the kind of guys

Who are fucking Really good at comedy But you've got to have A successful podcast To make a career Because you can't cut it as standard Yeah okay Alright

Yeah You ain't telling us anything We don't already know We got off pretty easy though Yeah What I'm saying is have a successful podcast to make a career because you can't cut it as standard. You ain't telling us anything we don't already know. We got off pretty easy there. I wish I had a successful podcast. Hi, actually, our podcast is successful, but we do it like once every three months.

And every time Sam and I have done an episode of our podcast, I go, and seriously, this is it from now on. We're doing it once a week, everyone everyone so fucking tune in because we get people asking when are you going to do

another one and I always look across and he's going don't say that don't say that because he knows I'm not going to

turn up the next week I'm always like yeah we're going to do it every week he can't get on the police can't get on how are you going

to make a podcast I was on the goat oh it's not goat it's lamb I haven't even turned up for my first podcast I've been promising How are you going to make a podcast? I was on the goat. Oh, it's not goat, it's lamb. I haven't even turned up for my first podcast. I've been promising one for years and I haven't even... You promoted, last time you were on the show, you promoted your podcast that doesn't exist.

Well, we have my grounds. I now own a Zoom recorder thing. It's such a tough thing to do a podcast as well. It's fucking ridiculous. I need someone who knows how to edit. Like, properly edit. Or just get comics that just are, like, perfect. They never talk over each other.

They never stumble over words. They're just like, you don't need it. Yeah, like you two. Yeah, exactly. No one ever has to edit when we do it. Yeah. No, we don't do a lot of editing these days, do we? Well, we probably will with all your comedy promoters.

You can tell he does all the hard work on the show. We don't do a lot of editing these days, do we? Well, we probably will with all your comedy promoters. You can tell he does all the hard work on the show. We don't do a lot of editing, do we? He says to Tommy. Well, I don't listen back. I've heard it all. I'm hearing everything you're saying. Why don't I listen to this again? I won't even be in the podcast. Yeah. One of us is getting edited out completely.

It'll be me. We're putting you in podcast jail. That's one of my favourite subjects. Can we talk about jail again? Because when you turn up tonight, you go, you're not going to surprise me with anything again. You railroaded me last time. I'd never talked about this in a decade,

and all of a sudden, so jail, you went to jail. You were a jailbird. Tell me about jail. He went to jail. Do you get fun in there? Tell us everything. I've been hassling him for years to do a show about it, and it looks like that's going to be happening.

But that's the thing. So this is what happened last episode when you were on. I did that. There was some sweet questioning from me. You went to jail. What's jail? What's jail like? What's jail?

But then on the way home, I drove you home. You go, oh, man, I was pretty shocked, actually. You really just surprised me on that. Like, I hadn't thought about talking about jail. And I sort of felt a bit bad. Then you go, anyway, I think I might do a whole festival show about me being in jail. I'm like, well, you're clearly happy to talk about it to people. No, no, no, I'm not.

I'd been hassling him for years. I had never talked about it. That's the thing. I'd never talked about it. And there's some great – he's told me some stories. The reason I went, you've got to do a show about it, is A, anything shit that ever happens to me, everyone knows, I go, while I'm

crying, I'm going, oh, this is going to be like three years of work. He told me some stories, some great stories of things that went on in there that I just went, that's got to be in a show. It's almost unbelievable. Don't wreck the show. I'm not saying what's in it.

I'm not going to repeat the bits. They're very funny. Are you going to do it next year, this year? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm not doing it this year. I'm doing Antichrist this year because I have not done it in Melbourne and I've gone through it and I've got the two bits that I thought

weren't that strong and I'm going to turn them into the strongest bits. That's the goal. I'll probably still be the weak bits in it. And then next year, sweet jail show, baby. Yeah, sweet jail show. Yeah. So in about 18 months' time, it's about the same as your sentence. You'll be able to do your show.

Yeah. I'll be – yeah, I'm writing bits out now. I'm thinking I've got to talk about that. I can't talk about this. I will talk about that. What's the food like in there? The food is shit. The food is horrible. Well, fuck this. I'm writing bits out now. I'm thinking, I've got to talk about that. I can't talk about this. I will talk about that. What's the food like in there? The food is shit. The food is horrible.

Well, fuck this. I'm not going. Also, Queensland. And you were in Queensland. Don't come to my show if you're a foodie. You weren't like it. It was in Queensland, wasn't it? It was in Queensland.

Queensland Jail. Queensland Jails are renowned for being some of the toughest. Is it weird being in jail? I wrote. Is it even worse being in a jail that doesn't believe in daylight savings? It is the worst. Well, each state has their different colour tracksuits. Oh, really?

We're brown. Just like it's a knockout. Yeah. It's like it's a knockout. Celebrity, it's a prison rape. It's all a roaders club at the end of the day. So I was in a brown tracksuit. Oh, Queensland gets brown.

I remember my first day rocking out going, how embarrassing. Like, I'm wearing the same clothes as the other guys. I'm just going to go back and get changed. Women would freak out in prison. Did you have houses at school? Like, different colours? Yeah, that was brutal. Where, like, yeah,

when I moved to a school in year 11 and our stuff was all brown, all sports day. Just so everyone's aware, we've gone to talking about Tommy's house stuff at school rather than talking about someone being in fucking prison. Well, you know what? People I know who've been, some people I know, I went to boarding school and a couple of people I know who went to prison said that having been in boarding school

made it a hell of a lot easier. Oh, really? Yeah, that it's actually not that dissimilar to... Because at Geelong Grammar, of course, we got raped. So if you've been reading the paper, you'll know that Geelong Grammar are doing it for the Church of England, trying to go, hey, Catholics, you're not the only ones on how to finger kids. We've banged some prepubescent stuff.

Well, we've just lost the Gillum Grammar Corporate that we had lined up. We were going to go and do a live podcast there. I think you're going to have to go on the lamb again after this podcast. We're going to have to go on the lamb shawarma. You're going to have to go on a lot of baby animals after this podcast. You're going to have to go on the mixed grill. Greg Fleet has missed so many court dates. He's now called the mixed group.

Yeah, yeah. You're going on the calf. You're going on a piglet. You're going on the lot. We used to call, there was an actor, Lucky Grills, who was, he did, D-Gen did that show. Yes, Barjas. Barjas.

That was Lucky Grills. It was the original character. But we used to call him mixed because he was just this big, fat dude who just smashed it. Speaking of people with eating disorders or bad body image. But were we? Were we speaking of those people? Well, I was thinking about Dilrub.

That happened two hours ago, but anyway. I was thinking about Dilrub and the big, shiny balls, the malls balls in Adelaide. Who do you reckon would do best in prison out of comedians? Oh, well, Mooney would go, right? Yeah. Mooney can fight. Although I reckon it would be quite good not to be a fighter.

I don't know. You'd know. I reckon... Because you could fight. What's your tips? Well, the tip is to not be noticed. Yeah, shut up. Be as quiet as you can.

And that's a problem for a lot of comics. Yeah. You know, so that's a real... I'll make them laugh and make friends on my first day in there. So, kids! What's up with all this rape going around here? I got it at rehab. Even at rehab, because we got people coming out of prison into the rehab.

And that's where I had a guy come up behind me, a guy who's addicted to steroids and crystal meth sweet combo he came up the one time we allowed gear on the podcast yes i'll allow this talking to talking to some people he came up behind me and used the unforgettable term i can't shut your fuck hole and And that's just, like, awesome. And, you know, he thought I was, like, the top dog and he was going to take me down. Oh, okay.

Yeah, there's a lot of that going on. So what's your tips? Be, like, hang out in the prison library? Yeah. Well, no, no, no, no, no. It's just try not to be noticed. Just stay under the radar. And the longer you do that and the longer you're there,

then people will just look at you and go, who's that guy? Is he new? No, no, I've seen him around, but there's no feelings. You weren't in a gang? You didn't have any gang affiliation? There were no gangs in Queensland. I mean, there are different people.

The Aboriginals hang out with the Aboriginals and the Italians, and the bikers hang out with the bikers. So who do you hang out with? Comics. Up the back of the room with the other comics. It's normally whoever's the dude next to you in the cell because they're the dudes you talk to. Your neighbours.

They're your neighbours. Neighbours. Can I borrow a cup of rape? Yeah, sure. Back to the food thing. I was just watching a true crime series on Netflix called Making a Murderer and I'm about to spoil something in it if anyone is watching.

Tune out for one second. Oh, no. There's this kid in it, and he gets put away, and he's 16, and then you see him three years later. He's been in prison the whole time. Hang on. So you're saying spoiler, so everyone's supposed to stop listening at the moment? Sure.

What happened? Just mute it. You need to sacrifice that TV show. So you're encouraging people. It's like, I'm a dick, but I'm going to be a dick, so deal with it. I don't know. I just don't want to get hate from people. Don't say it then. I don't want to hear it.

I want to hear it. Don't tell me he went in at 16. By the time he was 19, he had actually murdered three men in prison. No. We see him then in the doco. He's been in prison for three years, and he's gotten real fat. How do you get fat in prison? That's what I want to know.

The food's really sugary in there. Get the mic on. Get talking to the mic. food's really sugary in there. Get the microphone. Talk into the microphone. No, it's weird how to use a fucking microphone, Greg Flea. I know it's new for you. It's amateur hour. It's amateur hour. Jesus Christ.

That microphone isn't a court date. Just get as close to it as you can. Don't go on the lam from the microphone. When you're on the lam, you need both hands to hang onto the wall. But I would have thought they could get fat in prison because the food would be sugary and, you know, like white bread and a lot of that kind of stuff. It's shit food.

But how can you be eating that much of it? And the fruit, I remember because the fruit, like at lunchtime they'd bring fruit around and all the gorillas, like the muscle people, they'd go, oh, fuck, that's great. Bananas are great for bodybuilding and whatever. Oh, right. So you would just end up with no...

People would come over and steal your bananas. Oh, really? Like, I would never get in a fight over a banana. So... Who wants to be stabbed over potassium, you know? It would have probably gone brown on my fucking shelf anyway. Mind you, he went to prison over two peaches. Oh, really? I shouldn prison over two peaches. Really?

I shouldn't have said peaches because peaches throws up in people going, oh, it's some sort of joke about Is that a racial term or something? Like nectarine would have been better. I still don't get it. Just because you said you'd never get in a fight over a banana.

Oh, yes, yes. But there are some fruit. Lychees. I'll kill you for lyche yes. But there are some fruit. Lychees. No, Lychees. That was it. I'll kill you for Lychees. Yeah, yeah. It's a Christmas fruit. Silly season.

Yeah, basically, that's the impression I would have got, is you just basically keep quiet and don't try to be funny. Don't try and be smart. Yeah, don't try and be funny. That's the last thing you want. Did you get anyone going, you're a comic? Oh, man, I fucking walked in to prison with a big fucking picture of me in the courier mail

saying, funny man jailed. So everyone was yelling out, oh, Hollywood. You didn't even have a book to plug in the photo. Yeah, so I couldn't deny it. Yeah, Hollywood, Brisbane paper. He must be from Hollywood. But did you get people going, all right, can't be funny? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Did you have to try to be funny or not? No, I just said, look, I'm not feeling overly funny right now. Why don't you hit me in six months? And so in six months, he punched you in the face. He said, you told me to hit you in six months. It's a joke. It's a fucking joke. I don't even know your mother.

This discussion just proves that we really have no idea of what our listenership is because we're sitting here going, all right, guys, here's handy hints for when you all get locked up. Yeah. It's fascinating. As will inevitably happen to all of the freaks that listen to this. I reckon, you know, there's only so much, you know, how did you get into comedy?

What's the worst gig you've ever had? Exactly. People want to know. I think the worst thing about actually going to prison, my worst experience was the first day and it's the strip searching. And it's like you're going to get strip searched and you think, yeah, this is going to be okay. It's me and a couple of guys kicking back in a room.

All of a sudden, all of a sudden, you're standing there with your dick out like a bogan at a bus stop at 2am. And you're like, oh, fuck, this is actually happening. And then it's the cavity searches. And they give you a list of things. What do they find? Well, they give you a list of things. Do you have to squat and cough?

Yeah, yeah, all that. But they give you a list of things. Do you have to squat and cough? Yeah, yeah, all that. But they give you a list of stuff they're looking for. And I remember the list. There's so much stuff on it. And I went and Googled it. There's stuff you couldn't fit in your arse. Well, one was a grappling hook. Now, by its very definition, if you've got that in your arse,

it's not coming out. It's the safest place. And if it was in there, who was trying to break into your arse? I don't know it's the safest place and if it was in there who was trying to break into your arse the only person who could get it out of your arse

safely would be Robson Green because he does a fishing show just the third horrible reference that you've used on this show so far

I don't know I still rate that better than the other two at least it's a guy that's on TV yeah so stuff they're looking for and in your arse too you know nature's pocket I don't know, I still rate that better than the other two. At least it's a guy that's on TV. Yeah, so stuff they're looking for. And in your arse too, you know, nature's pocket.

Yes, yes. Where you hide your valuables. Yeah, yeah. And the idea that like a grappling hook, like it's such an old school like burglar thing to like, I'll get into jail with me grappling hook and then that I'll just get it out. And are they expecting you to... Grappling hook walks wonders on an electric fence.

Because you've got the grappling hook. Well, you need a big length of rope as well. Is the rope up there as well? No, your mate's got the rope. There's stuff like that. Oh, it's a two-man job. It always made me want to, like, it was a passport. And it was like, you know, just in case you go to the Qantas terminal at H Block and get the red eye to

Europe. To your holiday cell in the Hamptons. They were just about to grab him, too. They had their hands out. They were just about to grab Wayne House. Fucking Qantas Club. They couldn't get in there. Couldn't get in.

Just waited until his flight and fucked off. No, Wayne House was about to... He's got the grappling hook up on the wall. He's about to get out, but then it's like, oh, it's covered in shit, so I slipped off. Oh, well. That was my first day, and that was the worst day. And then you get a letter. they send you a little pamphlet

and you've got to read that and it's about sexual assault. Oh really? And they say if it happens it's not your fault and you know, chances are you're not going to get sexually assaulted which is comforting if I hadn't just been fingered by three guards

just minutes before. Was there a like that? Did they stick the pamphlet? That was a state-sanctioned fingering. Did they stick the pamphlet up there when they finished with you? State-sanctioned fingering is some of the most official fingering. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, well, this is your job.

I do like the thing you're saying. Was there a lot of it going on? Was there a lot of the old prison rape? There was none of it going on. Right. Oh, there was a bit of it going on. There was, you know was a couple of people. Heroin is a great way because people go,

oh, this guy's going to give me a shot if I do this. All of a sudden, Flea's looking like he's going to turn up the corner. You've got a shot, all right, down the back of your throat. Yes. I've heard that. Guys, your listeners probably don't know what this is like, but hanging out for heroin is a horrible, horrible feeling, right? And I heard this story, this guy in prison, this guy said,

yeah, yeah, I can get you some, no worries. And, of course, you're in such agony, it's like you want it now, right? And he said, you've just got to suck me off. So the idea of sucking someone off when you're in that much pain and that much, like, you'd be vomiting, you'd be horrible. So he does it. He goes, I don't care. I'll do whatever I have to do to get this. Sucks this guy off and then the guy's like,

I don't have heroin. I just wanted to get it fucking handy. Oh, how horrendous. That would be horrendous. It's that kind of owing people and any type of weakness. Like if you're desperate, that's what they go for. So if you're not desperate.

So there's another one. What's currency? Well, it still is, I'm assuming. Well, man, if they got heroin in there, that was always banned. They banned heroin in jail? Is this just a Queensland thing? I got offered ecstasy when I was in there. I was like, oh, no.

Why not? What are your betters doing? Save it for New Year's. Like it's going to be good ecstasy. Apparently what is the currency now is the there's other drugs but ones that can't be, because if somebody hands you a bag of white powder, you know, it's really good cocaine from South America.

It's not sugar, I promise. It's not sugar from the kitchen. It just looks like sugar and feels like sugar and tastes like sugar. It's sweet cocaine. By the way, we should say for the listeners, we're recording this on Christmas Eve and it just occurred to me how fucking bizarre this is to be having this conversation on Christmas Eve.

Hearing the phrase sucking someone off and then not having this conversation on Christmas Eve. Hearing the phrase sucking someone off and then not getting the heroin on Christmas Eve. It's just, it's a wonderful life part too. Yeah, but it's also, Chris, when he was in there, sent me basically a slightly better version of Who's Going to Make the Gravy by Paul Kelly. He wrote it, you know, because he was in there on Christmas Eve and missed out on their big family Christmas that they have every year.

Missed out on the family Christmas. Were you there for Christmas? No, I was not. I just came in on the end of that story. Thanks for... I agree. That's backing up another comic. I'm backing up.

I'm backing up. Fantastic improv. I liked it a lot. For Christmas. So what are a lot. For Christmas. So what are you guys doing for Christmas? I'm bailing on dinner with my mum and dad to do this podcast. That's not really Christmas though, is it? I'm going to the Wayne House function.

Your what? I'm going around to the Wayne House family function they have each year. Are you really? It's in a different state each year. Shit-faced. You know, get it? State. Oh, got him.

So I'm going to fix the girls up a big plate of toast. Nice. Oh, wow. I'll carve it. Oh, carve the old toast. I'll carve it into the shape of a chicken. Well, it's our first Christmas here. It's going to be just the four of us.

Oh, because you've moved to Melbourne. Yeah, so we've got no extended family here Yeah right That's good though right I kind of I think so Yep I sat there for a thing and dude

What if my family listened to this Yeah yeah No I think it's a good idea They don't listen to this podcast I'm having a beach Christmas I go to the beach Oh you go to the beach With your family

Yeah With parents Yeah An Australian beach Because I, you go to the beach? Yeah. With your family? Yeah. With parents? Yeah. An Australian beach? Because I know you love Asia. I know, I do. But it's, no, I wish. But it's Anglesea.

You wish? I wish I was going there. I would have gone there. What about the big Boxing Day tsunami? Well. That was pretty much. Boxing Day test. Yeah, what about that?

You know what? I know one of my friends met his now wife back then, right? Just before that happened, right? And she was a traveller. She was from Holland. And they hooked up here, fell in love. Then she was already going off to Thailand to have a bit more of a holiday. She goes to Thailand.

She's out on a boat, right? She's out on a boat in the middle of the ocean when the tsunami hits. So she is actually underwater. She's scuba diving as the tsunami hits. That would be one of the safest places, though, wouldn't it? Well, she's still around, yeah. So she gets thrown around in the water a bit and goes, whoa, what was that? And then comes up and goes, oh, yeah, that island's gone now that I was living on.

Oh, cool. So anyway, that happens. And then she gets put on a plane like eventually everything, you know, it's horrible. People are struggling for food,

for clothing. Was it a Malaysian Airlines? No, no. Okay. She gets, finally gets put on a plane. There's no clothes for people. She's literally only,

Oh, awesome plane, right? No, no clothes. No, she gets put on this plane wearing a bikini and gets sent back to like Amsterdam or whatever. In midwinter in Holland. Yeah.

She walks out of, you know, Amsterdam airport. Oh, imagine going here, a dude in a bikini. I've just been in a tsunami. Off with his head. Via Schiphol airport. Yeah. So anyway, that's what happens. She gets sent back there and she's only got the bikini on.

That's it. So anyway, eventually they get back together and they get married and they lived over there for a while. She's got clothes by this point, right? Yeah, I think so. I want to hear it. She's just in the bikini one more time. Yeah, yeah.

So they've now, like a couple of months ago, they moved back to Australia. So we went to a party and they were there and I basically hadn't talked to her since then. Like I met her 10 years ago, whatever it was and ages ago did you do a bomb off the off the board into the pool no not again no well here's what happened I was talking to her I was talking to her and since then you know I've I've been to Thailand a lot and fell in love with her I go there all the time and so I was very drunk and I met her all that time later and just go

hey yeah yeah get out how you going you know I'll you know and I was halfway drunk and I met her all that time later and just go, hey, yeah, yeah, g'day, how you going? You know, and I was halfway through talking about going on holiday. I was like, oh, yeah, I was in Thailand. Fuck, I love Thailand. You probably don't love it as much. And she just goes, oh. I'm like, oh, well, I thought that would be a joke. But then again, I'd had about a dozen beers. And also keep in mind she's Dutch and their sense of humour is renowned.

Yeah, it was her fault. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, whack her. Whack her on the bikini and tell us your story again. Oh, okay, love. Tell us the bloody, bloody story. And I'm under the water and I feel like I got washed this way and that way. Well, speaking of awkward party things,

we've talked on the show a little bit recently about the tattoo that I recently got that Demi Lardner designed as part of content for this show. This tattoo would go down very well in prison, I think as well. Oh my gosh. Have a look at this. Oh, it's just an arrow. It's just an arrow pointing at his bottom. It's a dolphin with big old titties. Because I've got a dolphin tattoo.

Why are you unbuttoning your shirt? Because I've got a shit dolphin tattoo. Wow. Oh, the prophecy is true. Look at this. Talking to the microphone for the love of God. I've got a shit dolphin tat and it's got a blowhole. It's got a mole where the blowhole would be. How long have you done stand-up comedy for?

This isn't stand-up comedy. This is something I've done about eight times. These also aren't tattoos. Dolphins. So I got it done and then... You got it on your leg, on your thigh. On my thigh, yeah. And then about a week later I was at a friend's drinks

and we ended up at his house. There was about five of us just in this living room. In bikinis? Everyone's drunk. Everyone's in bikinis. And my friend was like... Don't wear the bikini. You know something bad's going to happen.

Oh, yeah. It's an unlucky bikini. My friend was like, oh, show us the tat. Get it out. And so I kind of thought, like, it's, like, right in the middle of my thigh. And I was like, oh, it's just kind of easy to just, like, undo my jeans and just, like, pull it down. And because I was a bit drunk, I've gone the jocks as well. And I've just, like, I've accidentally just, like, just gotten my full dick out.

Oh, that's a tiny dolphin. That's a really small dolphin you've got there, Tommy. Huge blowhole, though. The dolphin came up and ate the sardine. But so I'm like, oh, well, this is weird that I've done this. But then it gets weirder because, like, it very obviously happened. You pointed at the dolphin with your dick. There it is.

There it is over there. No one commented on it. No one in the room commented on it. And I was like, and that made me more uncomfortable. I'm like, someone please just address this and have a laugh. That's like that weird thing. I just showed you my dick. Give me some respect here.

Hey, guys, my dick is out. Someone noticed it. You know that weird thing when you go to the toilet and you go to urinals and sometimes you go there and someone next to you will just pull their full pants down when they're just having a wee? Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, what about those guys who have the urinal, pull their full pants down

and then turn around and go poo in the urinal? That's embarrassing. Yeah, what about those guys who at the urinal pull their full pants down and then turn around and go poo in the urinal? That's embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, we all go to the urinal. Yeah, yeah, we don't sit down. I don't sit down in the urinal. We don't sit down, do we? No way. No way do I do that.

Why? I go to the urinal with the other people who pull their pants down. What? That was in prison. That was the gang I was in, the Pants Up gang. Yeah. What is going to the toilet like in prison? Oh, God.

What's wearing a shoe like in prison? Well, it's, you know, you don't want to be doing it with too many people. Yeah, right. But I don't want to be doing it with too many people at the best of times. I kind of pick my moments. There's fuck all in there. I walk into the toilet. I'll never line up to go to the toilet. I'll never line up to go to the toilet.

I will never line up to go to the toilet. Were there toilets that closed or was it open? Like, hey, everyone, I'm having a shit. Well, I went to, yeah, but there's toilets in your own cell. That's weird. With a kind of like a moulded area. That's weird with a cell, mate.

With a big mirror. Because it's kind of around a corner, but there's a mirror there in case someone looks through the window, like a screw looks through the window. Oh, so your cellmates are not lying there watching you have a poo. No.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, no one. That actually doesn't sound too bad after all. It sounds quite relaxing. Yes. It's got privacy. It's got beautiful. More privacy than I get at home.

I might go in. Yeah. It's a great place to poo. It's a great place to poo. To go back to the tattoo quickly, I haven't talked too much about the day that I got it done I so we go in and meet this guy who's doing it talk him through it all and you know show him the

drawing he's like he's into it and I go this would be this be one of the weirdest things that you've ever tattooed on someone and he goes no the other week a guy came in and wanted a unicorn with a big dildo on its head so that's probably number one but it's what podcast is he doing something for the drive home I think that struck me So that's probably number one weirdest for me at this point.

What podcast is he doing? Something for the drive home, I think. That struck me as kind of the weird thing about tattooing is that it is essentially, it's an art form. It's a thing that you get good at. But it's one of the few things where people, a bunch of your clientele are really into the art of tattooing and really respect it. And people take pride in what they have. But then the other side is people doing it for a dare or a joke and i just felt bad that i'm just there going yeah i imagine get like imagine you're doing a comedy show and

people in the audience are just watching you going imagine being here how fucking crazy is this boy i regret losing that bet like i just felt horrid about the whole thing. Did you find is there anything he wouldn't do? Or did you try and make it a bit more serious and sort of go this actually means a lot to me I used to go out with a dolphin with big teeth When I walk in when I walk in they had cards

a little card holder thing on the very front counter for laser removal I was like man that is not giving me a lot of faith about your skills when that's the first thing you see when you walk in. Someone told me that's a common thing. People who own a tattoo parlor, they'll also go and invest in the laser removal.

Oh yeah, they also do it. They'll remove bad ones and then put a good one. I'm getting my dolphin redone with a darker, bigger dolphin. Get some tits put on it. It's got no tits. Because it's too small. There's an American TV show where it's like, you know, who can be the best tattooist?

It's in a way a bit of a gate. They're all doing tattoos on people. They're all being, you know, given. They get given, you know, different tasks they have to do. It's like, who can be the best tattooist? The greatest tattooist in the US. But they have, of course, volunteers who turn up because they have to tattoo people.

So they're volunteers turning up. And I was just like, God, you wouldn't want to be doing the heats. Yeah. Like the bad rounds where, you know, and like some people complain, some people love it, you know, they get really great ones because they're usually pretty good people. But every now and then you just get someone just going, no way, this is just ruining my life. Well, is it like, you know how there's hairdressers?

There's always hairdressers around town. It's like student hairdressers going to get a super cheap. The Academy, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there an Academy of Tattooists? Yeah, pigs. They use pigs. Pigs.

Did you know I did a hairdressing apprenticeship? tattoo on pigs. I did a hairdressing apprenticeship. Did you really? Did you? Wow. Wow, that's more embarrassing than your prison story. No, totally. I reckon you were thinking all the way through that course, you were thinking Warren Beatty shampoo.

No, I thought I was only really young and I needed a gig. And I thought, yeah, I'll do that. But I only did two years of it, but I got in with... Oh, is that all? It was a barber. Yeah, you would have been getting, but I got in with a barber. You would have been getting some chicks. I was with a barber. Well, that's what the idea. I thought, you'll get heaps of chicks.

But I was a barber, and one of the things was he would give me, like only old ex-army dudes would come in, and they'd be short back and sides. And he would give me this balloon and just cover it in shaving cream and give me a cut throat. And I'd just go, pop, pop. It'd just be covered in shaving cream. So just two years of that and then you were out.

I cut my own hair. Did you enjoy it? I cut my own hair today. There's one in Adelaide, and I hadn't seen this, and I didn't know this was legal, but near Egan's place. And it's got the barber pole out the front. It looks really groovy. And it's got, you know, lots of guys with beards and, you know,

like hipster kind of barbershop. But it's written on a chalkboard at the front, and they're really making the point, please keep in mind this is a men-only establishment. Like, chicks aren't allowed in there. It's just for blokes to go in, get a haircut, and talk about blokes. Yeah, blade one, two or three.

Yeah. Pretty much, isn't it? Oh, zero. We've talked a lot on this podcast about the horror of having to make small talk during the hairdresser. And yet we've done it for like an hour. Yeah, yeah. We should all be hairdressers.

I went to the dentist the other day and my dentist is like old family friend. Like I've been going to him since I was a little kid. And I go in and it had been years since I'd been to him. And he goes, oh, how's comedy stuff going? You still doing all that? I'm like, yeah, yeah. And he goes, how's this for an attempt to just like kind of make a connection? He goes, yeah.

Oh, that's great. You're doing comedy? Yeah. I've got a one-year-old grandson and he just, he laughs. I'm like, oh, cool. That thing that a one-year-old grandson and he just, he laughs. I'm like, oh cool, that thing that I try and make people do. Here's free tickets to my festival show. I wish I had a dentist that got me.

Where they say me in that one-year-old. That's really weird because I did a gig, like a corporate gig for medical people and after the gig, these two dentists were talking to me and I said, so you're a dentist?

And they said, yeah. And I said, oh that's interesting because I've got a one year old nephew and he's got teeth. So it's kind of payback for you. I appreciate that. Because I don't have a one year old nephew. And if I did, he'd have no teeth. That's amazing that you just did that without even knowing my story.

I sensed it. Tommy's in trouble. We both have dolphin tats. We both have that. That's bizarre. You guys are the Gemini twins. No, we're the other twins. Let's just go with Gemini.

The comedy twins. The comedy twins. What are they called? That's it. You're the comedy twins. Great improv. Two sets of comedy twins. Let's just go with Gemini. The comedy twins. The comedy twins. That's it. You're the comedy twins. Great improv. The comedy twins. I liked it a lot. The comedy twins. It's Tommy and Fleety. The comedy twins. Hey, everyone.

Let's go on the road together. It'd be great. If we did a hairdressing thing, we'd go, I'm Stevie Shortback and I'm Johnny Sides. Together, we're Shortback and Sides I'm obsessed with this thing you know of like packaging sort of like niche comedy

things together there's a lot of shows around Melbourne that they'll do like a very woggy Christmas which is all like you know Italian, Greek comedians doing that

I'm obsessed with the idea of putting together a tour me, Adam Richard Xavier Michaelides doing the kings of bald comedy like we think that that's going to be a hook

and it's just we book these huge theatres going bald men are going to come out in droves and then there's just like one sad guy sitting there if they can if the girls scout

the tickets like surely they would buy all the tickets wouldn't they all the girls be like fuck yeah we like candy like those people it's sexy right

yeah we get a lot of those women who love ball games. Especially if you book both the comedy twins in. Yeah. Comedy twins, yeah. The comedy twins open for and also are part of the kings of ball comedy. Yeah, you open for the comedy quadruplets.

Yeah. And the show starts with like a farmyard kind of scene. Makes sense so far. A couple of farm animals wander up to the front of the stage, one of which is a sheep and then from behind them we pop up and I've been holding on

underneath this sheep and you go, Fleety, are you on the lam again? Yeah, it's worth it. These live shows are going to be

exclusively callbacks to this episode of this podcast. Yes, all based around this episode. And it's just, and it's,

but like, there'll be like, one tour, it'll be the four of us and then another tour, Wayne House can't make it so we've got, I don't know, Mooney filling in for Wayne. But after a while we franchise the show so only one of us is ever doing it in any place. Puppetry of the comedy twins. Yes, puppetry of the comedy twins. On the lam.

Puppetry of the hair pieces. the lamb And Puppetry of the hair pieces They go Look it's a flat top And you just put styles up there That'd be the go Or we all wear wigs Or like You guys

See Tommy and I With the comedy twins We wear wigs And we go And people start booing And going This is a rip off And we take the wigs off

I want my money back And we're like Oh they got us. Oh, the comedy twins got us a beauty. We thought, I want my money back. They're gorgeous.

Well, White House has got links to the prison system in Queensland. Maybe you could go and do corporate in there. Oh, there we go. That'd be great.

Yeah, I'd go well in prison, I reckon. Yeah. Don't you think? That's where the welcome back Cotter thing comes in. When I go back there,

it's like, welcome back to the same old in when I go back there it's like welcome back oh yeah to the same old jail that you laughed about there he is Hollywood's back yeah it's Hollywood

well you know what let's end up with a bit of announcement for the listeners at home we are now we have signed up

to a website called patreon.com and what that means is if you want to give back to the show, what happens is if you don't come to the live shows, or even if you do, if you buy a T-shirt, if you want to be a sponsor, a patron of the Little Dumb Dumb Club, you can go to patreon.com, Little Dumb Dumb Club,

and you can find out how much you want to chip in to keep the podcast running. Fill up our coffers. Yeah, exactly. Chip in to keep the podcast running. Yeah, because coffers. Chip in to keep the podcast running. Yeah, because Wayne House and I cost a bomb. Yeah, absolutely. We had to bust Wayne House out of prison and get me off a farm.

No, so if you do that, you can sponsor it for $2 a month or $5 or $10, stuff like that, and you get heaps of free little surprise prizes and stuff like that. Go onto the website, you'll find it. We're going to do a little exclusive bonus episode every month for people that pledge over a certain amount. We get money. I want to do this.

What's the website? Patreon.com. Patreon.com. You and me. Yeah. Yeah, this is the concept. You just get free money. You don't have to do anything else.

No, but we could do it. And now that we know there's money in it, see, that's the only reason I reckon both of us haven't really committed to a podcast before. How did I know Fleet? He was going to be keen on this one. Wayne House and Fleet. We're not even going to start ours

until the coffers arrive. Wayne House and Fleet. Fleet is hypnotised by the idea of asking someone for 20 bucks online. Yeah. Wayne House and Fleet have got a fucking awesome podcast. Yeah. Have you heard, can I have

$20, please? Have you heard that? And if you ask for $20, you don't get $20. You have to... Oh, wow. Oh, we've blown it. So, yeah, get on there. What is it?

Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. For $5 a month, you get a shout-out on the show plus a free PDF newsletter every month or so. We're going to write food reviews and post pictures of our dicks every month so we can see how they're developing. It's better than that. And then ten bucks, you get all that plus a free content, free new episode, a bonus episode you don't get otherwise.

You guys are going to be making like a thousand bucks a show just for doing this. We will not. Very kind that you think that this is that successful. A billion dollars a show. There's a lot of people who chip in and whatever, but there's a lot of people

out there who would rather just get access to my phone number, ring me in the middle of the night and tell me to get fucked. So Patreon club, right? Sure, let's put club. If you're going to do that,

add me on Twitter so I can find out how much money these guys have. You know what you should set up, Carl? You know when there'll be a disaster and it'll be like, if you want to just chip in two bucks to the Red Cross, text this number with money. You need to set up a thing like that where any time someone hits you up,

their account automatically gets debited. I'm going to get a 0055 number. If you actually said we will give 30% of the money to a particular charity, this has been proven. Up to 50%, you make more because more people will give, knowing that you're going to give some of it to comedy, to a charity. This sounds like something you've done.

I've researched it. And then there's the extra of not giving it to the charity. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. So you'd be making, you know, say you make 200 bucks a week, you'd offer to give 50% of it to the charity. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So you'd be making, you know, say you make 200 bucks a week, you'd offer to give 50% of it to a charity. It goes down to 100 bucks a week, but it actually goes up to 400 a week because more people If there was a charity out there that was harder up than me and Tommy, sure we'd give

it to them. But I think we're the prime candidates to receive the money. What bigger charity case than two people who aren't good enough at stand-up to make a career out of it? What about kids with exploding heads? Do you not care about them? That's a very painful... I'm going to put it on the record.

No. Yeah, bad content. Kids with tears in their eyes. No, not good content. Where are their podcasts? Nowhere. Who do I want to give to them? Human poo in their eyes.

I care about them. Human poo? Human poo. That's the name of our podcast, Human Poo. Human Poo. Wayne House and Fleet. So get onto that.

Go to patriot.com. Also, we'll struggle to get these plugs through, but it goes up to $25 a month and you get a free

exclusive patron t-shirt, the new design that we haven't done before that you only get if you are a patron of us. That's going to be

pretty sweet. Very good. Guys, that brings us to the end of the little dum-dum club for another week. Greg Fleet, Chris Wainhouse, thank you very much for joining us. Oh, okay. All that stuff about my kids' presents that I wrote and wrote and got hilarious stuff, we're not going to talk about that? No, not at all.

You know what we're doing after this, though? After this podcast? We're doing a comedy gig. Yeah, this isn't live fleeting. We can't promote it. No, I'm not promoting it. I'm just saying. It's rather than anything.

Everyone's going to go, we could have heard that Wayne House stuff about the stuff he got for his kids, but no, he weren't here. Well, if this episode's any indication, Fleety, you're going to be doing callbacks to this podcast, the live comedy show that we're doing now.

The people won't hear because you're not talking into the microphone. I know. Once it's stand-up I'm, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, Fleder, you got your book out. It's called? It's called These Things Happen.

Generally, buy it at a bookstore. Look, I'm going to start bringing them to gigs. The trouble is I have to buy. Including the one that you owe me? Did you bring it today? No. Well, I've got one copy here. It's pretty bashed around.

But I've got to buy the books to sell at the gigs. So I have to, you know, buy like, spend about, to get 50 books, I have to buy 800, spend 800 bucks. But I basically would double my money selling them at gigs. So I've got to get off my ass and buy even 20 and just start turning the money over. Set up a Patreon account to buy those first 50. People buy gigs, books at gigs. Fiona O'Loughlin was telling me this.

Buy the book twice. Fiona was telling me that books outsell DVDs by like three to one. Yeah. Because people with a DVD think they're going to see what they've just seen. It's a very compelling case you're making to yourself there. Yep. Well, also, as proven by my very good friend, another Chris, Chris Franklin, he does a show and then you can buy a DVD from him after the show,

which was recorded 10 years ago, which is the same as the show you've just seen. And so is the book. He also has a book. Chris, you got stuff to plug? Yes, I do. But I don't have time. I've got to go home and build the electric scooters I have for my daughters. I knew I'd get it out.

I knew I'd get it out. Hey, I've got a gig coming up in a few seconds. I got my daughter an iPhone 6, and I couldn't afford to get my iPhone back, which I now have my iPhone 5S back from the Apple shop because I just spent a grand on my fucking spoiled daughter. Don't even fucking talk to me about iPhone

6s. Okay then. Let's move on. Have you got one or did you buy one? No, no, I have such a great No, I got it when it first came out and as I was walking up the drive I pulled it out of the box and I flipped it onto the, and fucked it on the driveway. Oh no, you fucked it

on the driveway. You shouldn't have fucked it. Before I got the SIM card in it, so I took it back and they go, no, it can't be fixed. So then I got another one, so I paint double now. Why are you buying this? And then it got stolen from Happy Endings Comedy Club within a week. Sweet plug for that. And you got another one?

No, no, no, no. I went back to my iPhone 4. So why did you, you just wanted a 6, so you bought one. But I mean, that was just like two grand. No, because I was at the end of contract. Oh, right. So I got a new phone. Okay, okay.

You guys are allowed to converse outside of this podcast. Yeah, yeah. I'm not on a contract. I'm a prepaid guy, so I've got to buy a phone. Oh, okay. Okay. So, sorry. Sorry.

Just edit that out. You want to plug your Twitter got to buy it. So, sorry. Sorry. Just edit that out. You want to plug your Twitter. Twitter at Chris Wayne House. Chris Wayne House at Twitter. You've got festival shows next year. So you've got your... You've got a great show. The Antichrist.

It is a great show. So that's in Melbourne. Any other states? It's in Melbourne. No, no, no. I'm not doing any other states. I'm only doing Melbourne. Well, we've got heaps of listeners in Melbourne.

So, guys, look up. It'll be on sale now. I haven't done Melbourne for years and years, so this is the first time. It's all anti-religious stuff. It's a very funny show. Excellent. Are you doing a show for any of us here? Yeah, I'm doing a show based on the book called These Things Happen.

Oh, right. So it'll be the best bits of the book. I'm getting at this stage. So you'll almost be doing a Chris Franklin and doing a show then selling the book. Yes, exactly. But there's more to the book, yes. That's exactly what they're saying. Yes, exactly. But there's more to the book than what you'll see on the show. And it looks like I might have Ros Hammond directing the show,

the fantastic Ros Hammond, who's a great actor and comic mind. And she's just a lovely lady. Yep, she's great. Guys, we've got all our stuff on sale. We've got Brisbane, Ballarat, Melbourne, Adelaide. All of our live shows, live podcasts, come along. If you haven't been before, come along. Man, our shows, like, you know what? I don't want to pump up our own tyres.

I think we're pretty self-deprecating on this show. I'm feeling a bit flat at the moment. Pump me up, baby. Our live shows are second to none. Our live podcasts. Who's got a better live podcast than us? Yeah, no one. No one.

Absolutely no one. Name some podcasts and I'll run them down. Do you have guests at the live podcast? Do you have guests? Yeah, you've been to a couple. Yeah, I know. That was when I was in Adelaide. But say you're doing Ballarat or Adelaide.

Do you... In Ballarat, we're going to drive up for you. So you get locals in Brisbane? You get local comics? No, whoever's in there at the time. You don't fly people up there. We fly people to Adelaide. We've flown people to Adelaide.

We did that a couple of months ago. You don't rely on the rich pool of Brisbane comedians? I was told that the advice that was, who's Damien Power said to me when he was starting comedy in Brisbane, he said there was a couple of guys like you, but you'd already gone to Sydney, I think.

He said the advice he was given by the older comics, who just don't want any competition and just want to fucking destroy you before you start was always wear a collared shirt and get the fuck off. That was it. That was it. Wear a shirt with a collar and don't stay up there very long.

There's some fucking help for you. Oh, let's get those guys on the podcast in Brisbane. Steve Allison. I've got their names. All right, guys. Steve Allison. No, Steve Allison's great Steve Allison

didn't do that he was actually nice thanks very much for listening guys and we'll see you next time shut up see you mates see you mates

see you mates