The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 275 - Lawrence Mooney & Xavier Michelides

Episode Date: January 12, 2016

Moscow Circus, The Portal and Xavier's Corner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, if you're supporting us on Patreon, you will have just received your first edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club weekly newsletter. Called Hey Mates. So, yeah, if you're not quite aware of what the Patreon thing is, go onto patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club. And what it is, is your chance to kick back if you, you know, if you've listened to the podcast over the years and you haven't been able to go to a live show, or even if you have, and you want to sort of chip in and give a little bit back and make it worth our while to do all this sort of stuff, get on there. You can put in $2 a month, $1 a month, $5. You can see all the… A million dollars a month. Yeah, you can possibly do that.

Put some money into our coffers. It feels good to have coffers finally, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. So do that and then we've got little rewards to sort of make it worth your while to chip in as well. People are enjoying the newsletter. Mostly they're surprised at how much effort has gone into it, which is good, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's nice that they're happy with it. It's very backhanded. It's not as nice that they thought we were incapable of making anything good. It should just be like, this is amazing. Exactly what I expected out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we've also got live shows coming up around the country. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, we've also got live shows coming up around the country. Very soon we're going to be in Ballarat in regional Victoria on January the 23rd. That's selling pretty nicely. We're just lining up who to bring with us. It's our first time doing a non-major city show. Yeah, and it's quite a small-ish room. And we've got good numbers already. But, hey, come and sell it out, especially if you're living in Ballarat and surrounds. We've got plenty of people coming up from Melbourne for it.

So if you want to do that, please. Day tripping. Then we've got February the 13th. We're in Adelaide, back at the Rhino Room. It's a Saturday afternoon. It's during the Fringe Festival. There's big-name comics all over the place. That's it.

We've looked up the Fringe Festival guide, and there's heaps of massive names. And so we can scab those guys on without mentioning who they are and then not pay them properly. I love scabbing on. Then we've got March 20th. We're in Brisbane. Same deal.

Brisbane Comedy Festival. Again, just scabbing our way around all the major festivals in this country. And we've finally got a venue for there. It is the, what's it called? The Hayabar, isn't it? Hayabar, yeah. So we're underneath a Japanese restaurant. Really?

Yeah. This is right up my alley. I've heard that it's actually really good. So I'm looking forward. Someone put on Facebook the other day, are you going to have a cheeseburger spring roll? So I'm very happy with our decision. Very Japanese.

Okay, after that, then. I think we're going to be committing hurry curry after we eat about 10 of them. I'm going to be hurrying to have a curry because there's great Indian food in Brisbane. Jesus Christ. All right, then we've got the have a curry because there's great Indian food in Brisbane. Jesus Christ. Alright, then we've got the Melbourne International

Comedy Festival March 27th until April 17th every Sunday during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the European Beer Cafe. At three o'clock. Season tickets are on sale.

Individual shows are on sale. You guys know what to expect for now. These are always our most popular episodes of the year. Exactly. The most attended,

the popular episodes, the biggest names, the most fun shows. Plus we've got the My Birthday show in the middle of the Comedy Festival on Wednesday, March 30. I was squinting like I was trying to figure out what the date was. It's your own birthday. Yeah, that's going to be amazing. Boy, if your memory is this bad when you're 39,

how bad is it going to be when you finally hit 40? So that's a late night one. That's at 11 o'clock. That's after everyone else's show. So it's going to be like a bit of a pre-Drunk Cast to the Drunk Cast. Oh, yes. A warm-up. We've also got our solo shows both on sale now.

Mine is Little Golden Dasolo. Mine. Every night at 8.45 at the Grand McHugh. Tickets at TommyDasolo.com. And mine is Carl Chandler defends his title as world's greatest and best comedian. So it's going to be the same concept as last year with everyone coming, guests coming in heckling me and whatever, but all new jokes. So that's every night at 9.45.

Yeah, all right, that's it. That's all we've got to plug. Oh, T-shirts and stuff still on sale. Yeah, all the T-shirts are on sale. We've got a few left of the burger shirts. We've got plenty left of the Aware shirts. So get onto that. They're all on our website.

And you know what and once again our fine friends at yellow chocolate mousse are sponsoring today's episode yeah thank you delicious yellow chocolate mousse thanks for re-upping yeah thanks for thanks for the money that you give us and thanks for for your beautiful mousse that you continue to flood the plains of australia with thank you so patreon.com slash little dum-dum club if you want to get involved little dum-dum club.com slash littledumbdumbclub if you want to get involved. littledumbdumbclub.com for all the tickets. Enjoy this episode with Xavier Michaelides and Lawrence Mooney

and we'll see you out there for a cheeseburger spring roll. The noise we'll be making after we eat it. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, yellow moose dickhead. Oh, very, very nice.

Did you like that? I've incorporated the good people at Yellow have now bought out my catchphrase at the start of the show. Oh, have they really? Yeah. What was that going for out of interest? That was, look, let's not brag about numbers on the show. Let's not cry on the show. Over spilt mousse?

Yes. No, so they've renewed their sponsorship once again, the good people at Yellow Mousse. We've got a lot of feedback. The guests will find out very soon that we are the only podcast, I believe, on the air sponsored by a dessert in Australia. Would that be true? I'd say there's a couple. Who's sponsored by a cream caramel?

I don't think there's anyone in Australia. No one that I know of, but that's not a bad idea. What if we just try and collect up all the desserts? Let's get backed by all of them. No, no, no. I just want mousse. That's fine. Just mousse?

Okay. All right. You're really brand loyal here. I am. We get a lot of feedback off just mousse, and I want to keep it that way. It's focused. If we start spilling it into cream caramel,

into, you know, Neapolitan ice cream, all this other bullshit that I don't care for, the message is going to get lost. Did we get a lot of Christmas mousse going on? I didn't get any. No? I didn't get any. No, I mean, like, listeners.

Were they going out? Did anyone give Yala as a Christmas gift? Oh, I don't know. Anyone make any? Did anyone have a Yala around the Christmas lunch table? Let us know. Yeah. Did anyone have roast mousse over Christmas gift? Oh, I don't know. Anyone have a yell around the Christmas lunch table? Let us know. Yeah, did anyone have roast moose over Christmas dinner?

Yeah. Just moose with like little bits, coins in it. I was going to say, hey, ring in if you've had it, but I just remembered everyone knows my number, so actually don't ring in. It will happen. Okay, today on the show, two fantastic guests. First of all, you know him from Xavier's Corner. It's Xavier Michaelides.

Yeah, thank you. Actually, Xavier's Corner is now sponsored by Freddo Birthday Cakes. So, you know, I want to say it. I never cared for those. Really? I like the true Neapolitan birthday cake ice cream. Not the Freddo Frog one. I think you're real crazy.

Well, hey, you've been bought out by Big Frog, so you would say that. I was a fan of them way before they came sniffing around, right? Before the frog started touching my bag, you know what I mean? I don't know what that means. But, yeah, it's been good. Okay, well, we'll look forward to Xavier's Corner a little bit later in the show where we can see where the Freddo money is going.

A little bit of trivia about me. When I was about 16, I worked on a Freddo frog ad. Really? I did work experience at an animation studio. I coloured in a cell of old Freddo. So 0.1 of a second was the old Das getting the old little Lincoln paint out. Oh, Tommy Das, I coloured in a square

on a crossword once. Oh, that's nice. Still the biggest job I've ever had. Also, just chomping at the bit to get involved. You know him from Dirty Laundry. It's Lawrence Moody. G'day mates. Hey, have you got the cell? I don't have the cell. It was

digital. It was on a computer. Didn't they get rid of the cell when you lost cancer that time? Some different cells. By the way. Lost cancer? I don't know I don't think You know how cancer works

Carl You don't lose Oh he's run out of cells Yeah That's how I got killed I just tripped And it like fell out of me And I was like

Oh thank god You left it on a bus Yeah If I was going to be Sponsored by a dessert I'd like to be sponsored By Nana's apple strudel Oh really

So I could say Mmm I love a steaming Slice of Nana's Strudel. Oh, really? So I could say, mmm, I love a steaming slice of nanners. Strudel! And make it all sexual. Is that the sort of sell

that the good people at nanners would be after, do you think? Yeah. Bring it into the 21st century. There's no Gen Y going out there buying nanners,

whatever that is. Yeah. And you know what, the difference between a strudel and an apple pie, of course, is that the strudel's not fully covered in pastry.

It's got those little cuts in it. Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's got that crisscross. Strudel! I've never had a strudel. What age are you where you start crossing over into strudel eating? Because I certainly haven't hit it yet.

I haven't gone back to strudel for a while, but my mum was a big Nanna's fan, so she would whack something into the oven straight out of the freezer and we'd eat some Nanna's apple strudel. Dessert every night in the Mooney house. Oh, really? Big dessert fan? Big fan? Are you a fan of dessert?

Not really. Not so much now. Oh, okay. I was going to go, my dessert of choice would be creme brulee. I like a bit of creme brulee. Do you like your old school brands? Creme brulee, Nanna's strudel? God.

What are your modern... You've got to wash the fondue down with something. Frog in a pond. You know, a bit of suet pudding. Oh, God. Spotted dick. Bread and butter pudding. Yeah, bread and butter pudding's nice.

Carl, what are your modern desserts you're having every night? Sorry, I've just noticed something. Fiona, you seem to have shaved off all your hair. Fiona, are you okay? Because have shaved off all your hair. Fiona, are you okay? Because you've lost all your hair. Have you run out of cells? Every time Mooney does it's with Fiona and I just think the

distresses. This would be paid to your hair, I think. First in four without Fiona. We did the big three last year. Well, the last time we had you both on the show was we were in this very room we're in now recording this. It was a live episode that we did. Oh, yes.

July. It was our T-shirt launch when we were launching the I'm Aware of Little Dumbbell Club T-shirt. And we had an awesome show. We had Lawrence Mooney, Fiona O'Loughlin in along with Dilruch and… Harley. Harley Brane. Yes. And Lawrence Mooney had a great time at the show and then went home and got an early night.

Well, no, actually. I had to do a gig in Ballarat and I was very excited to be here at the live show. And you know how live shows can, well, your live shows particularly, pick me up and carry me away. Yeah, we do now, yeah. Because I was at the Drunk Cast in April after the Comedy Festival and got home at about 4.30 after disgracing myself throughout the streets of Melbourne.

And I remember looking at my watch thinking, 4.30, that's not too bad. And then the next thing I remembered, as I probably already said on this podcast, I was woken up by my wife at 8.30 in the back room staring at a wall. She said, how long have you been here? And I said, I think I've been here for four hours. She said, sweetheart, you need to lie down. Have you taken anything? I said, I think so.

I've taken something off. That now wrecks the old saying, that's about as interesting as watching paint dry, because you're obviously fascinated with it. Man, I had found a portal in my back room, and I was looking into the past or the future, I don't know. You found Daxlo's

missing cell. I was tripping hard. You were watching paint dry and then liquefy again, just going through all the cycles. The sound effect inside my head was Roar, roar, roar, hello, I'm a war. Mooney's at Portal was sponsored by

Taubman's, the good people at Taubman's. And Yellow Moose, I'm a war. Mooneys at Portal was sponsored by Taubman's, the good people at Taubman's. And Yellow Moose. So you came into our live show in July and you thought, I've got something to prove now. I've got to back up this effort from the drunk cast. Well, it was the weekend. I thought, I've got a gig in Ballarat. I'll just whip home afterwards and then I'll be right.

And then I just had drunk too much. So I called Dave O'Neill and said can you pick me up and I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking and maybe I did the good people of O'Neill tells it like he was about to go to Ballarat he's in his car on the way and then you ring and go can you just pick me up

and he's like I'm in fucking Sebastopol already meanwhile we're here drinking after the gig we're getting messages from O'Neill going, what the fuck have you done to Moody? And maybe I did the people of Ballarat Primary School South. I don't know where it was.

It was West Ballarat. It was Browns Hill. I actually think you were back in your laundry again. I don't think you were ever in Ballarat. No gig took place. I went home and I teleported my mind to Ballarat. You appeared as a ghost on stage. Well, one of those things where you're a little bit pissed

and you think the only way is forward here. I'm just going to keep slaughtering red wine now until I get on stage. The only way is forward. And I can't remember much of the gig. Tom Seger assures me that it was fabulous. He said it was a rollercoaster ride. It was a real white knuckle affair.

He didn't know where it was going to go next. The first bit of that is he said it was fine. A rollercoaster means it's at least 50% down. Yeah, which is the best bit where you're screaming

towards the bottom of your thing. Oh my God. What are we going to do here? I never sat on the Mad Mouse and gone, this is fine. Yeah, that's fine. I'm having a fine time here.

That's okay. His fine was reassuring me that I'd done an okay job. Then he said it was one of the best gigs he's ever seen. He said it was like, and he's a Collingwood supporter, it was like sitting in the forward pocket at Victoria Park and watching Dacos kick 10. You just didn't know what was going to happen next and you couldn't believe it was happening.

Yeah, but with the rollercoaster, if Dacos has kicked 10, what did he do on the other half? Has he just also punched some women in the crowd in the face or what else has he done? Well, I got up and I just started talking about Sovereign Hill and Cryol Castle. I said, all right, which women here played busty wenches at Cryol Castle?

Which I heard slightly different. I heard, which one of you people are whores at Cryol Castle? Not even playing. All right. Okay, where are the whores from Cryol Castle? And just to reiterate, because I think we might have glossed over it before, this is for a school. But they're my people.

Parents of children want to get out and have a rip-roaring time. If I go to a sports club and it's full of, you know, 20-year-old footballers, they're not going to get me as much as parents get me because they're like, we know

what it's like to be locked up. When we come out, we're just going to plough the booze and just say whatever you want. Paws need to unwind just like to be locked up. When we come out, we're just going to plough the booze and just say whatever you want to make us laugh. Whores need to unwind just like the rest of us. So when I said, are there any whores here from Croyle Castle, the women in the audience knew what I was talking about because a lot of them went, yeah, we were whores at Croyle Castle. And then I talked about Sovereign Hill

and did a little bit of Australian history like I did last night, how my contention is that Australia is probably the gayest country in the world because we started as a maximum security prison and it just went pretty male from there on. You say like you did last night. You're referring to a gig that you did last night, right? Yeah. This is on stage.

I did a gig last night. In the portal. Yeah. No, I night. In the portal. Yeah. No, I wasn't in the portal. Well, listen, it's just you going, just history like I did last night. People are going, what the fuck was last night? Oh, okay, because this just floats in time. Yeah, exactly.

You know what? You know why this is like radio, you know? This is like radio. It's true like radio. But it's not like radio, is it? Because it's got no basis in dates. So last night, being the 6th of January 2016. Yes, thank you.

I finally understand this story. I did a gig at Crab Lab. And I've got a story about what happened after that gig. Me and a bunch of other comics just started wailing on one another. Yeah, the slapping's back. Oh, you started punching people. No, no, no. Brendan Maloney wins me. I invite him to wind back. Oh, you started punching people. No, no, no. Brendan Maloney wins me.

I invite him to wind me. To wind you? Yeah, so like I put my arms up and stand against the wall. There's probably a video on social media out there of him smacking me in the solar plexus and me collapsing to the floor. It's a great gig. Everyone get down there and check it out.

I'm into the brutality. Anyway, and then, you know, from then on, it just started Stewie Dolman, Ben Russell, myself, and Maloney were just slapping one another hard. It was crazy. Because you were doing this at the Drunk Cast as well afterwards. Are you just trying to turn every gig into like a bootleg fight club? So anyway, I don't know whether I'd finish.

First rule of Fight Portal is don't talk about Fight Portal. Just keep staring at the wall. So, I finished the gig in Ballarat, got driven home by Dave O'Neill

who's a good man. He's driven a lot of drug addicts and alcoholics around. And one of his quotes was about the night that when he was driving you to the gig, you were like pissed in the car and just going, right, where are we going? Ballarat.

Ballarat? Oh, right, they had a revolution there. That means they're all right out there, like their anti-establishment, their anarchists. I'm just going to go and tell them all to get fucked and they'll love it. And O'Neill's like, I think they're all parents and they just want to get out of the house for the night. I don't think they're actually descendants of Peter Layla down there.

This gig isn't live at the Eureka Stockade. It was a while ago. 1850s. Is this a good time for us to quickly plug our live gig that we're doing in Ballarat on January the 23rd? Oh, yeah, we are. Let's guarantee we will not accuse anyone in the crowd of being a whore.

I will not guarantee that. I wasn't accusing. I was saying, where are the Croyle Castle whores? Yeah. There's no accusations there. Busty wenches. You already know they're whores.

Just show yourself. Where are you? And there was people waving. Anyway, I... Good to know you came to Ballarat. So Seager was saying he was really,

you know, he quite enjoyed the gig and I said, so I hope I haven't destroyed the gig and I hope you're back Ballarat. So, Seager was saying he was really, you know, he quite enjoyed the gig. And I said, so, I hope I haven't destroyed the gig, you know. I hope you're back next year. He goes, actually, the principal of the school came over to me afterwards and said, yes, thanks for organising all of that, Tom. A lot of people enjoyed themselves. But I think we'll go with the trivia next.

First question in the trivia night. How many of you played whores at Cryo Castle? It's back. The second question, how many of you are whores at Cryo Castle? Whore. So tonight I got on the train to come in here to the Euro Beer Cafe to record this podcast with you guys. And I looked down at my pants and there's footprints on the thighs.

Oh, wow. I thought, did I take my pants off and then stand on them? No, I must have taken my shoes off first. How did someone stand on me? Like, I couldn't remember someone standing on me. Like, I couldn't remember someone standing on me. Then I remembered playing Moscow Circus with Ben Russell, where I'd go into a crouch position and he would stand on my thighs and then we'd hold hands

and I'd stand up and he'd lean out and I was da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- I've got big footprints on my thighs. I've done that as well with Ben Russell. Right. Moscow Circus. Sometimes I've gotten to stand on my shoulders. Always very, very drunk. Yeah. And always like, this is no safety. Well, he's the perfect kind of size for an acrobatic, you know, duo. Yeah, he's a little monkey man, you know. Yeah, he's a tiny monkey.

He's a tiny monster. He's a homunculus. He's a homunculus. You're on radio, you're on TV. What are you only going around with one pair of pants for? Just wearing the same filthy pair of pants day in, day out. Well, I put them on yesterday and I thought, I like this particular pair of blue Ben Shermans

and I thought I'll wear them again today. They'll be fresh and new and clean and, oh God, they're covered in filth and I'm on the train. To be fair though, given the stories that you've previously told us on this podcast, some footprints on the front of them is kind of… A lot better than a lot of shit in the back of them. That's the nicest story he's been involved in so far today. Pants related at least.

It's the better of two evils. That reminds me, so I think we should, you know, this should be stated every week of January that you have declared that it is nice January for you, Tommy Daslow. Trying to be less. You declared it in December and then absolutely have not mentioned it since until I bring it up. What's nice January? Trying to not be mean on this podcast because we get a lot of mean kind of, a lot of our listeners kind of being very mean to us. And I'm running an experiment.

If one of us is actively nicer on the podcast, will that die down? Do you get trolls slanging you off? Oh, absolutely. Exclusively trolls. Yes. Right. Via Twitter or iTunes reviews? No.

Oh, I don't even read them. No. Oh, God. No. No. I famously replied to somebody who said, oh, nice iTunes review. I said something about Steele's podcast, I Love Green Guide Letters,

like, yuck, zero interest in these tools or something. You know, he's slaying off his cast one week. And somebody said, nice iTunes review. And I said, I would rather take a gob full of piss from a hobo than ever read an iTunes review. Well, here's an experiment for you if you'd like to live in my world. Tommy Daslow, we've talked about this many, many times.

What is your world like? Oh, man, it's full on. It's flat out. Tommy Daslow gave my number out many years ago. I thought this would be a one- or two-week thing. It's all over the joint. I get messages every single day from people who listen to this show. The percentage of nice messages...

I like all the listeners to have a nice January. I got one today. I got one today that said, how much does it cost to come to one of your live shows? And I said $20. And he said, just so you know, I will never, ever do that. Right. Fantastic.

Thanks for listening, guys. Yeah. But that's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm trying to inspire this niceness in the listeners. So my hope is that, you know, you get a bit of a break on the old text line. Your live shows are pretty popular though, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Oh, look, people are not sort of going, hey, get fucked in a nasty way. They're all telling us to get fucked in a very positive way. Oh, right. So you don't get, you're a piece of shit, you're not funny. Oh, absolutely. We get that, yeah. Oh, right. But in a nice way. Because I get that. I get that too. Right. Just out of the blue sometimes.

And I engage though. And Lou goes, why are you engaging with these people? I said, because I want to wear the troll down. I want to wear it down. That's what a troll wants though. A troll wants you to buy. And then you engage and they just keep fucking pulling you further. They do want that.

And then you just cut them off. I had a comment under my Qantas face swap video. They said, this is not funny and this makes no sense. And I then went, I did that thing where I was like well who is this person? So I went to their channel and they're a plane spotter. They're like just filming planes from the fence.

So it was that great moment where I could go I don't have to feel that bad, this guy's retarded genuinely with a shirt that says I love planes and a little cap. Well I haven't seen photos but I drew a little picture of him to make myself feel better. I'm pretty open-minded of whatever people are into. I drove past that viewing area near the Melbourne airport the other day where you can just park and watch planes take off.

I don't get it. I do not get it in any way. I do. I get it big time. Massive bits of machinery. I can stand and watch for hours and hours. Trains, planes, ships. I get it if it's like bird spotting.

So I'm a little bit, as you say, retarded. How do you say retarded? Sono retardo. Sono retardo. Which means in Italian, my train is late. It's great when you go to Italy

and it says retardi. And it's like, ah! Train's retarded! They should put that on the tourism adverts. So many more people over there. Ah, train retardi. Steven Colbert, il programo

retardo. You're actually disappointed if it's on time because you're like, oh man. Yeah, but I get that sort of thing. I get it. I'm retarded. I get it if it's a bird spotter because like, you can go in the countryside

and it's like, oh, this is thrilling. What might come past? What I might see? But with planes, it's like, I know that one's coming in.

So you just sit there. It's scheduled to land. So you're just waiting for it to land and then you go tick. Yeah. That's it. It's definitely going to happen. Yeah.

It's just waiting for a bus. Is there any bus spotters? Yeah. There should be a bus spotter or a tram spotter. Oh, there'd be tram spotters for sure. Oh. And you also take the number of your train

or tram down and so then when you see it on another, you know, loop around, it's go, oh, that's the second time I've seen that today. Oh, God. This time last year, I did a little bit of tram spotting from the inside

because I had – You rode a tram. We get it. I didn't just ride it. I had 10 martinis with Fleety and I was almost unable to walk. I got on a tram. He shouted you 10 martinis? No.

We went out for martinis and I bought 20 martinis. What happened? You went out and then he and I bought 20 martinis. What happened? You went out and then he said, let's go out to drink. And then he said. He goes, I'll meet you for a drink. And he did the cursory, hi, how are you? Pat your pockets. Yeah, I get it.

Let's drink. Anyway, I got on a tram. I live on the number six line out to Glen Iris. Yep. What's the address? My address? Your address. to Glen Iris. Yep. What's the address? My address? Yeah, your address. No.

No. I've got children, man. We want to go on the Mooney Reality Tour and go and visit the portal. Yeah, there's the portal. By the way, my parents live in the street that Lawrence Mooney used to live in. I drove past your old house the other day. Listeners are getting closer and closer to the address. In Brighton?

Mm-hmm. Oh, right. Don't say the street. I won't say the street. I've lived in two streets in Brighton. Do the math. One for each marriage. Never mind.

No, it's cool. It's good. So I'm working through it. Anyway, so I got on the tram and the next thing I know is I'm woken up and there's four tram security guys around me and it's like, what's going on? And they said,

you've got to get off the tram, mate. I said, no, no, I'm just going home. They said, no, the driver's alerted us. You've been on the tram for an hour. You've been out to the end of the line twice. This is the second story I've heard of you where this happened to you.

End of the line. End of the line, back into town, end of the line, and the driver's like, oh, God, that guy's going back into town. We're getting him off this time. Also, I think Greg Fleet stole his wallet. So, yeah. So, you've got no pants on, maybe.

You've got big footprints on your thighs. Your pants are gone and they're in Greg Fleet's veins for some reason. And he wasn't technically tram spotting until you woke up after being on the tram twice. I wasn't spotting, actually. I was just spotted by the driver. So, they helped me off and then I did the pat down. Oh, I can't find my phone. Lost the phone.

Just the worst. Same happened with the portal, too, when I was staring at the portal. When I woke up, I was like, no phone. Fuck me. Just so depressing getting blind. You probably weren't just in your kitchen all night. You probably went into the portal and then back out. You were just out of it the whole time and didn't realise.

And left my phone down the portal somewhere. That portal is chockers with knockers. Chocker with knocker down the portal somewhere. That portal is Chokers with Nokias. Choker with Nokia down the portal. So, I go home and Lou, my very understanding

and loving wife, is like, are you okay? Fuck, she must be understanding, Lou. She's so understanding. I've thought about this

a few times. She must be very, very understanding. When's she up for Australian of the Year? She really, really loves me. Or hates me and wants me to drink myself to death.

So if you can just take the $1,700 and just run with it. Just play in a long game, yeah. So she goes, no, it's terrible. You've lost your phone. And she said, don't worry about it. We can go up to Telstra and get a new phone. I said, why don't I, why don't we go for a walk, get a coffee and stop at the tram depot? And so I went into the tram depot and I said, if there's lost property, when can you get it?

And the woman said, not open till Monday, it was a Saturday. And I said, but if there was lost property, where would it have been? And she said, it's in that office there. I went in there and there was like a tram conductor, director there, kind of like, you know, waving trams in and out. I said, if a phone was given in last night, would it be here? And she said, I'm not meant to go through this until Monday. But she said this to me, she she goes you've got the eyes of a very good and honest person seriously

I'm into this and I can see that you've got a good heart and you're a good person what's your phone number and so I gave her my phone number and she rang it

and I could hear and I was like because I am a superb comedian so I don't often hear crickets. Boom! Motherfucker!

So anyway, so when I hear them, I really hear them. I hear them so often I think I'm fucking Pinocchio. Barutal! Andre Barutal! So I got my phone back and Lou goes, okay, that's a lesson. I said yes. And I gave up the booze that day until very close to the end of the festival. What's the common denominator here? Every time you get back on the piss, you lose your phone.

You get drunk. Yes. And you get drunk. And you ask people to punch you in the face as hard as you phone. You get drunk, yes. And you get drunk. And you ask people to punch you in the face as hard as you can. Slap. Slap, sorry. You punch me in the stomach and win me, Houdini style. Given all these stories.

I just want to say to your listeners, if you see me in the street, give me some warning. Don't walk up and just crack, just crack me. Because people will. Isn't that how Houdini died? He had that reputation of people, he'd brace himself and people would king hit him in the gut. And then he'd be fine. But someone just walked up out of the blue and blindsided him and went, yeah!

And then he died. Yeah, punched him, I think, quite low in the stomach. I think his appendix burst or something of that nature. He got a lower abdominal injury. Yeah. So don't Houdini Mooney. You've got a lower abdominal injury. Yeah. So don't Houdini Mooney. Yeah. Houdini Retardi.

So given all these stories, and this is how we all think of you in a loving way. Is this an intervention podcast? No, no, no. We all think of you in a loving way. We've all been very understanding for a very long time. But there's only so much we can take. Yeah. I got a message here. Lou is gone. She's gone. She wanted can take. I got a message here. Lou is gone.

She's gone. She wanted me to tell you. Change the locks. The kids are gone and go fuck yourself, I think is what it says here. Alright, I will give out my address now. Go and torch the humpy. You're going to go home and put your dick straight in that

portal. That's what's going to happen now. You did give away before that you're walking distance from the tram depot, so that's very good for people to know. Oh, yeah, the one tram depot. The one tram depot. He's piecing it together. So this is when I went to Thailand with my folks. I brought my parents to Thailand a while back.

Did you taste any of the local flavour? No, my dad was fascinated. My dad was fascinated by it, though, by the local flavour. Oh, boy. No, my dad was fascinated. My dad was fascinated by it, though, by the ladyboys. And by the way, I'm not being sleazy, I'm quoting one of Tommy Daslow's routines.

Oh, okay. One of the great routines of Tommy Daslow. Some of the comedy of Tommy Daslow. By the way, can we say this very quickly? I did a gig on Tuesday night

and someone in the crowd while I was on yelled out, who's this gay midget just fantastic stuff really really good so what hang on a random person

just yelled that at you yeah not a listener not one of those nice listeners yeah yeah yeah it sounds like a text I get I actually didn't hear it it was a guy who came up the stairs someone else told me

they heard this came up the stairs saw me said that and then just turned around and left right yeah

and neither of those things are true. It's more, who's this vaguely hetero man-child? Yeah. Well, this happens back to several years ago, maybe six years ago, I had a small role in Frank Woodley's live show during the Comedy Festival where I would come on stage with a vacuum for like a minute, and one night when I

was walking out of the theatre, the crowd was leaving and a kid saw me and he went, hey, look, it's that gay vacuum dude. What's this vibe I'm giving off on stage where people just immediately think I'm gay? You know what? You, the midget, the midget call, you do, you know what, you are surprisingly tall,

I think. You do look like that you're a short person, but you're not that short. What are you? What incentivators? This is what the person who overheard this told me. He reckons this guy shorter than me. Oh, really? Where do you get off? I know I do that, though.

Every time I see someone bald, I go, you bald cunt. I love it. It feels great. Oh, really? Yeah. If ever I get angry at someone. Pissed idiot. Look at that.

Where's your phone? Oh, God, I'm staring into a mirror. Fiona's a fucking mess, isn't she? Hey, get off the turps, you sad old bitch. I'm the same as I was. You hilarious legend. Ha, ha, suck it. Suck it.

How many centimetres? I actually don't know. I don't know my height off by. You'd be like 5'11". Sure. So you're taller than me. So that's the dick. How about the rest of me?

Yay! Comedy! So Chand's the dick. How about the rest of me? Yay! Comedy! So, Chandler. Yes. You were saying how hectic your life is and how flat out. I had the pleasure of working with you for a good slab of last year. Oh, yes. On Dirty Laundry Live.

Yes. In the writer's room. Behind the curtain. Behind the curtain. How many days a week were you in the office? Two? Maybe two, I think. Yeah, two. It many days a week were you in the office? Two? Maybe two, I think. Yeah, two.

It sounds good. What's it like doing that? Is that a fun thing you could do? How did you get that? No, not how did you get it. Just is it fun? Did you enjoy it? How much did you get paid?

Give us a call. Give us a call. Give us a call. Throw a guy a bone. It's really no good. I wouldn't bother trying to chase up a writing job. There is simply not enough of them to go around. So just sit back and relax and do whatever you do.

I know what you're doing, Carl. What am I doing? You're trying to keep the jobs for yourself, mate. I spelt that out. I just spelt that out. Zave gets it. I get jokes, guys. See, so next season I'm there to write because I get jokes.

You're in. I can spot jokes people have told. It hasn't been returned by the ABC for the first half of 2016. It's not completely dead, but Dirty Laundry Live is not slated to return. No, I'm okay. I'm good.

Anyway, Carl. Yes. Active man. Fit and healthy looking guy too. Sure. Run us through your diet. What would you come into the office with and have for breakfast most mornings?

Brekkie? Breakfast? Well, this is a stitch up. I love it. The listeners of the show are quite aware of a bakery that's in Elsternwick. You know, Frank's Bakery is quite famous on this podcast. Frank is great. Because I do a bit of work at the ABC and I have complained a lot of times about going

to that bakery at midday and then saying, can I have a pie, please? And them going, no, we don't have any pies. It's 12 o'clock. I know. It's so perverse and delicious that it's like, when did all the pies sell out, Frank? He goes, oh, around about 10. It's like, how many did you make?

Yeah. And he just laughs. So at 12 you go, when's the next pie? And the guy will go, I'll put a pie in now. It should be ready in half an hour. Oh, yeah. And he just laughs. So at 12 you go, when's the next pie? And the guy will go, I'll put a pie in now. It should be ready in half an hour. Oh, yeah? Just go pie-less in your bakery from 12 until 12.30. Good business model.

Did I tell you, I've experienced this myself recently. Because I went to see Star Wars at the Elston Wick Cinema, which is around the corner. And I thought, you know what? You know what would go well with Chewy in the game? With a popcorn? A steak and bacon. Yeah.

No pies. No pies, of course. No pies. Verified it myself. So I would – so I know – So the listener to the dum-dum is aware of Frank's Bakery and your penchant for a pie. Yes.

Now, what you're saying is what you want to bring up here is that I would come in every day to Dirty Laundry at 10 o'clock eating a pie for breakfast because I'm thinking ahead because Frank's Bakery is always pie-less at 12 o'clock. So I go, you know what? I'm going to eat a pie right now. I'm going to eat a pie at 10 o'clock. It's going to go into your body.

You may as well work it through as early as possible. Yeah. And sometimes I would think I would be generous and bring in multiple pies to which everyone would go, what the fuck are you doing? We don't want a pie. It's 10 o'clock. And you would accompany that pie with a delicious beverage?

Oh, would I? I don't know. At 10 o'clock, did I? Was I having a Coke? You were having a Coke at Colwell. Oh, really? Yeah. And I guess if you're going to have your caffeine

with maybe a spoonful of sugar or 16 spoons full of sugar, why not a Coke? It is remarked upon when I work for a TV show how bad my diet is when I work. And then Rachel Miller would always project onto you that you're going to have a horrendous bowel cancer later on in life. Most mornings she'd just go, oh, she's going to get bowel cancer. It's like, morning. Yeah.

So getting back to Thailand, I was saying I brought my folks to Thailand. The last time I flew. Oh, yes, your father. Yeah, my dad. Oh, yeah. Your dad loved ladyboys. My dad loves ladyboys, yes. And not only that, he was fascinated with them when we saw them.

We were sitting outside restaurants and we'd see them all the time and dad would just go, oh, you don't see that every day. And it's like, yeah, you've never been outside Maribor. Of course you don't see ladyboys every day. You can see that every day and it's like yeah you've never been outside Maribor of course you don't see ladyboys every day you can see them every day just punch shemale into your search engine

sit back and enjoy just find one of Mooney's lost phones and see what your homepage is on Safari is that why he had to get his knees done because he was just

jerking it non-stop in Thailand over the ladyboys Jesus he got his knees done yeah my dad got his knees operated on in Thailand over the last year. Jesus! He got his knees done. Yeah, my dad got his knees operated on. In Thailand? No, when he got back from Thailand.

You know when you masturbate so hard it fucks up your knees? A real knee trembler. He's doing it on your knees. You're standing up, yeah. Real knee trembler. Yeah. That's somebody calling in for the telethon. Mrs Perkins of Drysdale has donated $10.

The phone room is going crazy. If Tommy Dashley jerks himself to his knees, I'll donate $50. So keep ringing the number. 1-800-JERK-OFF. I'll pay $50 for a gay midget. Let's make that a new reward on Patreon. $50,000.

I'll jerk myself until my knees bite. Let's get on to Patreon very soon. uh before that i will say yeah uh my my dad was did get a bit fascinated not only that but since my mom and dad came back from thailand my mom has like basically said to me we have to go back again uh and i'm like okay we can go wherever you want she said oh i'm absolutely going the same place i'm okay. And then Dad told me that she sits up like twice a week and watches Ladyboys, the show called Ladyboys on ABC2. And then she'll text me. She now texts me every week, twice a week.

And it'll be like midnight because they'll delay the show until midnight. Sounds like your mum and dad are going to have a threesome this time. That's going to be some crazy ladybob shit. She sends me a text at midnight going, are you watching Ladyboys? I'm like, no, it's Tuesday. I'm in bed. Why are you sitting up to watch Ladyboys?

I love it. Yeah, the threesome. And it's like Chandler thinks he's doing them this big favour by taking them over there and stuff. Meanwhile, they're just there trying to ditch him. How do we get rid of this shithead son so we can really have some fun in Thailand? And also, a threesome with a ladyboy makes perfect sense. Everyone's got something to work with. ditch him like how do we get rid of this shithead son so we can really have some fun in Ireland and also

a threesome with a ladyboy makes perfect sense yeah everyone's got something to work with let's ditch let's ditch Carl and really put the fucker

in Phuket hey hold on hold on a threesome with a ladyboy really makes sense because everyone's got

something to work with everyone so the ladyboy is taking Mrs Chandler from behind and also sucking Carl's dad off at the same time while he's playing with its boobs. Or Carl's dad is doing the lady boy up the bum and they're making a nice little sandwich

and then they can still see each other and cuddle and go, I love you, sweetie. I love you too. And then the lady boy in the middle is like, I love both of you. No. The lady boy's in the middle. Also, just think about what my dad is doing because

his knees have been operated. So give him a good position. Yeah, work this into your fan fiction, guys. Come on. Okay, the lady boy is holding your dad up. Yeah. Wheelbarrow style. For the listeners, Xavier and Lawrence are fully nude right now, acting this out for us. Okay, you hold my dad up. Yeah. Wheelbarrow style. Wheelbarrow style. For the listeners, Xavier and Lawrence are fully nude right now. Acting this out for us. Okay, you hold my legs up.

All right. Pretend my knees are sore. And then, Dasolo, you pretend to be Chandler's mum. Xavier, put your feet on Mooney's thighs. He's got the footprints. Come over here and sit on me, face love, while the ladyboy lifts me thighs up. How did those footprints get there? Okay.

Now, you're a Thai ladyboy. while the lady boy lifts me thighs up. How did those footprints get there? Okay. And then... You're a Thai lady boy. And then a Thai lady boy comes down and says... And says... I love you so much. No. No, Moony. I made you.

You just got me into the... I made you do a racial stereotype. You just pushed me into your portal. Oh, yeah, that's the offensive bit. Not the thing where you're acting out my mum and dad having sex with a ladyboy. Thank you for the apology. There's nothing offensive about your parents having sex, Carl.

There's nothing offensive. Deal with it. Deal with that. Your parents have got a sex life, mate, and they want to go to Thailand and get on with ladyboys, and you're not smelling the coffee beans here. What's that weird thing under the table that keeps bumping my legs? Carl's penis.

Oh, I get jokes. I get jokes. He gets penis. I get jokes. I get jokes. He gets it. I get it. He's a wrecked penis from being turned on by what we're talking about and playing out.

Hey, do you guys ever get, I think this is pretty universal in comedy, get like weird advice from your parents about like weird little bits of comedy advice that make no sense.

Can we just postpone this so I finish my little bit? Is there more to this? There's more to this. I haven't even got to what I was meant to get to. Finish off your little bit. Go for it. Go wild. So, when we went... I'm sitting up twice a night. No, when we

went, when I took my mum and dad to Thailand, you generously gave me I'd never taken like a sleeping pill or anything on the plane and I think I was talking to you about it and you go, oh, you don't do that. Oh, God. What are you talking about? You've got to do that. You just take a Valium. I've got plenty of them right now.

And we were like in the office. I don't know why you had them. But anyway, you went and got me a Valium, gave it to me and I was like, okay, great. I'll take this on the plane. This is a story that Moon wants in public. No, no, no, no, no. I always carry a bottle of Valium with me. Yeah, yeah.

You never know when you want to peg out. No, no. If you're having trouble, call Lifeline 1311 14. Oh, man, after this podcast, it's engaged that line many weeks in a row. Maybe one of these days we'll have you on this podcast and do an episode where you don't have to give out that number because of something you've said. One of these days.

I really thought this would be the one. So I get on the plane thinking, great, oh, we've got an eight-hour flight. This is easy. I take this little pill out of my wallet. Was it blues? No, it wasn't. It was yellow, five milligrams. Because I've never taken a Valium before or anything like that.

I take it out and then go, hang on a minute. Mooney's got this pill on him and he's just given it to me. I'm on a plane. I'm in flight. I'm going, I literally don't know what this pill is. I'm a massive chance of being stitched up on Malaysian airlines. That'd be very funny. And you would have got the joke, Carl, as you're in prison in Thailand.

And Moody's like, I got you, buddy. I'm two hours into a flight on Malaysia Airlines, sitting next to my mum and dad going, well, do I take it? Do I take the red pill or the blue pill? No better airline to take the pill on. Yeah, exactly. YOLO, baby.... Do I take it? Do I take the red pill or the blue pill? No better airline to take the pill on. Yeah, exactly. YOLO, baby. So did you drop it?

I did. I sat there for half an hour and I actually got a sweat up going, I don't know what's going to happen. Now you're sweating on the plane. Yeah, that's a good look. Oh, yeah. Landing in Thailand.

Sweaty, come over here. You, you, sweaty, come over here. I did nothing. Sweaty, what do you got? What do you got, sweaty? Oh, no, no, you'll here. I did nothing. Sweaty. What do you got, sweaty? Oh, no, no, you'll get on my bus. It's a bus straight to your accommodation. I believe it's the Bangkok Hilton.

Just come this way. Sweaty boy, come over here. Come over here. So thankfully, I put my faith in you. I sat there, I thought for half an hour, and I thought, no, you couldn't stitch me up that badly. That's insane. And at the very least, it is an insane story for the podcast at the end of everything. And what was the effect?

Did you have a nice night-night? I had a very lovely night-night. But one of those things where, because I'm an absolute newcomer to Valium, I've never taken sleeping pills at all. I just did that thing where I expected this is a normal thing where I took it, probably took it a bit too late and then got woken up by, you know, that idiot thing when you fly on a plane and they wake you up

in the middle of the night for breakfast? Yeah, yeah, they average out the time difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they just wake you up and you're like a dog that's come out of the vet without coming out of it super properly and I'm just drooling going, they're like, here you go. Just dragging your hind legs around the plane.

Got a cone around your neck for some reason. Yes, yeah, yeah, I'm humping my mum's leg. That's why you should have done it. No, you'd be breastfeeding with your mum. She'd be lying on her side in the barn and you're just suckling. Boy, am I glad my mum doesn't know what a podcast is. If this is the first one they listen to and they like it. They were watching you before you took that

sleeping pill going, just take it. We want to start fiddling each other. We want the sun out. They land in Thailand, go down the street, see the ladyboys and go, what was that pill you so enjoyed on the plane? Why don't you have a couple more of them? Take a couple more of those, Carly. You can get, you know, Valium

in Thailand. You can get a massive bag. Yeah, Carly. Well, you can. You can get, you know, Valium in Thailand. You can get a massive bag. Yeah, yeah. It's only $5 each, I heard. Yeah. But that's a good one to take, Valium, because it's a muscle relaxant, essentially. Right. Yeah.

And they very rarely have bad side effects like Stilnox, you know, Australian swimming team. Yep. They very rarely have bad side effects like Stilnox, you know, Australian swimming team. They can make you go crazy. And Xanax can also have people acting out in strange... Xanax is an antidepressant. Is it an antidepressant? I'm not too sure whether it's a sleeping pill. They can all be used as antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs because they just relax you.

That's what Xanax is, isn't it? Yeah. But they're all also very, very addictive. The barbiturate class are the most dangerous ones to take. But I recommend for a flight, dimazepam. Benzo dimazepam, I think, is what you have. Is what I had. You shouldn't have woken up Roggy then.

They must have got you halfway through. And the drug, I think, is benzo dimazepam? Dimazepam. Dimazepam. I love learning on this podcast. Yeah, Xanax is the thing. I went to Thailand with a couple of friends and we heard that you could just bite over the counter very easily

and so they went in there with this big story about how their leg hurt or whatever it was. And it's like they get halfway through the story and look down and the guy's already just given it to them and gone, there you go, $3, thanks. And they're like, okay. And then it was just like they went, okay, and just ate it like candy and then didn't remember the rest of the trip.

Whereabouts? That was in Phuket. Yeah. They woke up with, one of my friends woke up with scars all over his back because his one memory of the whole night was waking up in the middle of nowhere, having gotten a taxi, the taxi dropping him off in the middle of nowhere and going, there you go, that's the CBD of Phuket. And he's like, that's a forest.

And then the taxi driver got angry and threw a brick at him. Wow. And then it's like, I'm finding out this story the next day from him. And he goes, what? He goes, yeah, I turned around and he threw it at me from like one meter. I'm like, aren't you in a jungle? Where did you get a brick from? He goes, I think he just kept it in his car.

I'm like, okay, cool. And then I went did you get a brick from? He goes, I think he just kept it in his car. I'm like, okay, cool. And then I went, so what happened then? He threw a brick at you. I'm like, yeah, I don't know what happened then. I forget. It's like, what? You're in the middle of a jungle. Someone throws a brick at you from one metre away.

It hits you in the back. You've got a massive scar. And then you're like, oh, I don't know what happened next. Boring. And then you wake up in your own bed perfectly safe. Yes. Covered with lacerations. You got out of there somehow.

That person's subconscious really looks after him. Like his conscious body's shit, but subconscious is like, oh, get him home. Don't worry. Oh, man, we should get some sweet dollars out of Xanax Corporation for these ads. Dropping Xanny in a bit of mousse. What do you reckon is happening there?

Oh, yeah. Yummo. Delicious. Crush it up. Well, you know, we haven't even... Oh, sorry. Can I just say this quickly from before? So, I saw my parents the other day and that great thing of like... Watching them have sex with the

lady boy. Yeah, it is the best. Comedy advice. Parents' advice for comedy or what you should do in your act or what you should do for your career. Dad's come out with one of his all-time greats. He said to me, you know that Jerry Seinfeld? Yeah. You ever try and meet him? And I go, no, not really.

And Dad goes, well, yeah, what are you doing? That's not crazy, but what are you doing? Get him on the podcast. If you did some sort of... What's the deal with not meeting Jerry Seinfeld? If you documented the whole experience, it's like, all right, I'm going to try and meet Seinfeld in 30 days, record the whole thing.

You'd get famous. People would be... you might meet him speaking about ideas have you guys got a premise for your comedy festival shows are they written

where are they at I am doing a lot of listeners know that my show last year was called Carl Chandler world's greatest and best comedian

and it was me with many of my friends all of you included coming in one each a night and it was me with many of my friends all of you included coming in one each a night and heckling me

while I'm doing my routine having a lot of fun involved I'm doing the same concept different jokes this year

it's called Carl Chandler defends his title as world's greatest and best comedian so you'll all be invited back on

Mooney probably not you because I tried to neck myself after you were on but no no you were a great one

you were the most brutal, surprisingly. And it was a thing where literally people walked out shocked and went, are you okay to me after that? And I'm like, yeah, I'm okay. And then they go, good, we're coming back tomorrow night. And they thought it was going to be the same thing. I thought, what better place to start than just go through your appearance and your body and your face.

Yes. And then we'll work from there. Start with the here and now. I don't know why you're doing it again, Carl, because it went very well, but I genuinely think it did affect you. There were a lot of times having beers and you're like, you know, I know everyone's joking,

but every night, every night, you know, I'm like, Carl, you know, man, like everyone's joking. It's like, I know, but just every single night. Even if something was a complete lie, somebody said it to you over and over joking. It's like, I know, but just every single night. Even if something was a complete lie, somebody said it to you over and over again. It's going to stick in your head. It's got to record. It's going to pop up before you go to sleep.

I had a couple of weak moments. I had a couple of weak moments. Most of it I super enjoyed. It was just a couple of times. It wasn't the comics. It was more the audience. Because they get into it and you've let them do it as well. So they were going nuts for it.

Yeah, it was more the night. You you know what when everyone laughs and everything's really funny and i'm being funny and the person on the stool is being funny it's great it's all perfect everyone's laughing the nights when that happened in the audience didn't like it it's like okay i've just hired someone to make me want to kill myself yeah cool i'm having a rough comedy festival night like everyone does but also now someone's making fun of me. Fuck. Anyway, I'm doing it. I've forgotten those bad moments.

I forgot about that. I just remembered the highlights. I thought this would be the best time to bring it up live on your podcast. Can I just go back to the parents thing quickly, though? Yes, sure. I was discussing this with a friend, Adam Knox, fellow comedian. He told me his dad gave him the piece of comedy advice that he should do every gig walking on stage with one of those invisible dog leashes.

And pretend for his entire gig like he's got an invisible dog. So what I want to do, I'm going to actually try and do this. You would remember that. You always remember knocks. I want to put on a gig where everyone takes on all the bits of comedy advice that their parents have given them. We all do. You know what I'd be doing?

I'd be doing jokes and stuff. What have you got? I wouldn't be doing comedy. I'd be selling badges at the show. Great. My mum sent me a message a month ago and said, your cousin starts selling badges. She makes quite a lot of money from it.

You and Emma could do that. Emma could design them and you could sell them. At the show. Not even at the show. She was just saying, just do it. But that's all I could do. I'd be there at the show. I reckon it's good merch though.

Yeah. Badges. What sort of badges? Painted badges. Bald head badge. Bald head. Yeah. Badges.

Like an actual, like a 3D, not a, you know. This would be good. What about badges and they've got nipples on them and then you put it on your shirt over your nipples?

Oh, bang. Fantastic. I'll write that down. People are going to steal that now. What would you be doing, Moon? What parental advice would you be taking on board? Well, my father passed away seven years before I started stand-up.

So he didn't give me any advice. Oh, God. What's that number again? 1311 14. And my mum, when I told her that I was starting stand-up and I'd started, she said to me, you shouldn't swear. Okay. So my shows would be half as long.

Yeah. I don't know whether I swear a lot or not much. Sometimes I swear heaps, but in comedy festival shows, I don't think I swear that much, but you can correct me if I'm delusional. Okay. So she said to me there's no need to swear. It's not clever and

Bob Hope and Groucho Marx never swore, did they? I said no mum but they never played the Epping Cricket Club on a Saturday night. So go fuck yourself. So you'd be coming out. Okay, you can do the gig. You can write a bunch of Bob Hope-style jokes and come out and do them.

Bob Hope and Groucho Marx. Yeah. Oh, see you tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll see you. Yeah, there you go. This will be great. See, that's on TV. No one swears on TV, though.

Like, the only thing they see of Groucho Marx is from movies and TV. When he was doing live stuff, when he was going out to Alabama and stuff, he would have been swearing. Definitely. He would have been swearing on the road, surely. I don't think so. No? I don't think so.

Surely it would have been a bit of Night at the fucking Opera. Day at the fucking races. Dumb cunt soup. The big fucking store. Dumb fuck soup. So we got me on stage for ten minutes. Animal fucking crackers So we got me on stage For ten minutes Animal fucking crackers We got me on stage

For ten minutes Attempting to meet Seinfeld We got Zave selling badges We got Moon doing A bit of Bob Hope Chandler what have you got What have your parents What have your parents

Told you that you should do My parents have Literally never Ever been interested In my stand up At all Ever Like the only questions

I ever ask Is They would be If you were transgender. They're big fans of Julian Cleary. Get some boobs, Chandler, and your parents will be front and centre. If I was Julian Cleary, they'd be interested.

He's gay. He's not transgender. We also both said it as well. We both said Julian Cleary. You infected him with your lies. He's not transgender. Oh, okay. Isn't he? No. We also both said it as well. We both said Julian Cleary. No, you said it. Then you infected him with your lies. Yeah, yeah.

That's how he does his TV writing. It's all from me. Just saying. No, the only question I ever ask, this is literally the conversations I'll have. I'll say, hey, just, you know, I've got this job writing for this thing or there's a gig coming up or whatever and then mum will go, oh, yeah.

Any graphic design work coming up? I think this is going to be a great gig. I'd like to hear from the listeners about whether they would come to a Dum Dum sponsored people doing their parents' suggestions gig. I think it'll be fun. It sounds like it's going to go for one second. No, it'll be fun. I think it's a good idea.

It's a good idea, right? What your parents wanted for you. Yeah. Or you just say to your parents, what should I do in my act? What sort of stuff should I talk about? And then you have to write a routine. Let's put this in the great hall of fame of Tommy Daslow ideas

that are never mentioned again, that are never followed up on any other episode. Sure. My mum comes along to comedy festival shows and I think in the show where I was most brutal. Brutal. Rearial. Listeners have no idea what we're doing.

Yeah. It was 2010, Everything's Just Fine. And it was a pretty full-on kind of a show. And she came along to that and I was like, oh. And she walked me away from the crowd that she came with, you know, my brothers and their wives. And she said, to that and I was like, oh. And she walked me away from the crowd that she came with, you know, my brothers and their wives. And she said, I loved that show. I really enjoyed it.

Like, it was kind of like your mum seeing your work of art straight out of kinder. She goes, that is really beautiful. We're putting that up in the kitchen. And it was very nice of her to do that. Having, you know, given me the advice, don't swear. She obviously... She doesn't know what she wants.

She doesn't know what she wants, fickle old bitch. Should we talk about this? You're sending me mixed messages. Should we talk about this at all? And we didn't mention this the last time you were on because I don't think it would be made public, but the whole, the car license, should we talk about that at all? Sure. I've lost my license for 12 months because I... It was in it was in the news i was reported in the news i was hounded

by the press yeah for comment uh i went 170 kilometers an hour for our american friends that's over 100 mile an hour yeah uh in a 100 kilometer zone and uh the cops came around to my house and took me down to the police station and took a statement and my very understanding wife again I was going down to the police station and she Got you out of the portal into the police station

Out of the portal into the police station and she said to me because they didn't have to go in the police car they no they said you've got to come so I said alright I the police station and she said to me, because I didn't have to go in the police car, no, they said, you've got to come. So I said, all right, I'll come now. And Lou said she'd drive me.

And I was sitting in the car and I was pretty sheepish. It's like, you know, cops come around to your house. It's not a nice feeling. Heading down the station and I looked at her and she goes, this is the funniest thing you've ever done. And I said, jeez, you're so understanding. And she said, well, it's just so much fun being married to you. Well, maybe we should take that bit in this.

Instead of the mother reaction for this show that Tommy's got the idea for, maybe that's what you should do for the show. Instead of your mum's advice, take your wife's advice and just break the law some more. Do 200, fang your car down the highway again, get pulled up by the cops. That's your show. What were you doing? 160? 170.

170 in a Jeep Cherokee? Yeah, 2004. How do you get it to go that fast? Well, that's what the barrister said to me. He goes, 170, he he goes you must have one of those new 6.4 liter v8s and i said no no i haven't he goes turbo i said no it's a 2004 and he goes so you were trying to go 107 i said yeah he goes okay, we can't say that in court. What's your reason?

I said, I wanted to go fast. He goes, all right, we can't say that. Listen, what if I just say I – Was on a lot of drugs. Just say, yeah, I was munted. I'd been drinking for two days and taken five pingers. Jokes. I thought I was in the portal.

Comedy. I thought I was in the portal where the speed limits are all different. Yeah, I was in a portal. International waters. I was in the autobahn in the portal fanging it. Well, I had spent a lot of time in Italy over the last few years where you can fang it. And if you're not going 140 on the freeway, then it's dangerous

because people are coming past you at all sorts of knots. Yeah. And seriously. You took on some advice from Italy? I didn't want to be retarded. But my barrister said, you know, the magistrate said, has Mr Mooney got a reason for going this speed? And the barrister said, yes, he'd just let the speed creep up on him.

He'd lost concentration and the speed crept up. And the barrister did the take off the glasses. Took off the glasses. He said, I don't accept that. No, no, no, no, no. Mr Mooney, this is 100 kilometres an hour with his finger in the air. And then he points his finger down at the bench. He goes, that's $170.

Up here, $100. Over here, $170. That's not creeping up. Losing your licence for 12 months, $1,000 fine. You'll be going back onto P-plates. Oh! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!

Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber! Uber!! Uber! Uber! I'm sorry for the added expense there but I think you need to learn your lessons Are you going to have to go to one of those centres where primary school kids go to learn about road rules? One of those little roads This is where I'm going for my

safe driving course They've got a list of courses on the VicRoads website Go to one in your vicinity, I'm going to one in town run by LifeWorks LifeWorks was formerly, because I wanted to do some backgrounding on who's going to teach me how to drive properly,

on my 800 buck course. It's a fucking rort. It's an absolute disgrace. Five hours in a classroom. And if you come along drug or alcohol affected, you won't be allowed to do the course. If you refuse to participate or are rowdy or interject too much, we won't give you a certificate.

Lots of rules. So LifeWorks was previously the Anglican Church's Marriage and Relationship Counselling Bureau. Oh, they must know a lot about fucking driving down there. Oh, how did Jesus drive? Did he ever get his donkey up to 170 k's in Galilee? Go fuck yourselves. So it sounds like you're going to be really agreeable in there.

I am going to be... No arguments. No arguments. Advice is fine. It's unsafe. Why shouldn't you see it? It's unsafe. I tell you what, there's going to be five minutes come out of next Monday

very good next Monday it's happening come and stand outside the classroom and just jeer let's do an exit interview speaking of those child you know the thing I'm talking about the little where kids learn about the bikes there was this guy at my school and his older brother had this

like rep for being a real bad egg he'd left by the time I was there but there was a story about him where he had snuck into that place and had gone into the switchboard and started fucking around with the lights and just made all these kids have all these pile-ups at the intersections of it, which

I really want to believe is true. But it sounds like a cartoon that you're ripping off there. Yeah, it's Macaulay Culkin, the good son level of evil kid, isn't it? Now, before, I felt that there was about to be some intervention and you said, yeah, we've been feeling... I thought you cut yourself off there. I hate to be self-obsessed, but there was this, yeah, Lawrence,

we all feel... No, no, no, no, no. No, that was just going into the story about the pill on the plane that's all it was that's all it was so I don't need to change my behaviours

no no no if anything more and then come back on next week and we'll talk about what happened this week you can unclench now it's all good

well I'm doing a gig tonight for you Carl yes and I haven't done one for a while because I've cancelled I'm really sorry man I cancelled on you

yes yes it's going to be great it's at my Thursday night room that's now the European Beer Cafe so we're actually there a couple of hours

before the gig so thanks for coming in a bit early I'm going to have a beer shortly do you have a beer before the gig do you guys have a beer or are you going to

go and eat something no we'll have a beer it's fine we're going to wrap this up pretty soon do we want to do a quick little bit of Xavier's Corner

before we get out of here well we've got two things to do can we do two things that is a no yep sure what is Xavier's Corner is it like out of here? Well, we've got two things to do. Can we do two things? That is a no. Yep, sure. What is Xavier's Corner? Is it like a podcast

or is it part of this podcast? Podcast within a podcast. The podcast only exists within this podcast. Right. But somehow still continues and has its own history outside of it as well

for some reason. And what happens in Xavier's Corner? Agony aunt kind of questions? It's different every week, isn't it? It changes up. I change the format up and I change up what happens. Who knows what's going to happen. Well, let's explain what happens this week. First of all, let's different every week, isn't it? It changes up. I change the format up and I change up what happens. Who knows what's going to happen.

Well, let's explain what happens this week. First of all, let's play the jingle. Politics. Food. Topics. You're standing in Xavier's Corner. So what's happening on Xavier's Corner this week, Xavier? This week, a little special game on Xavier's Corner.

It's a panel show, is it? A little panel show. You guys are all involved. Oh, great. We're going to guess the joke. What's this panel show called on Xavier's Corner? It's called Guess the Joke. Just said what it was.

Carl, can you just quiet down on the host of this podcast? Sorry, sorry. We'll guess the joke. If we know it, we can tell the end of it, or do we have to guess the punchline? Either guess the punchline, or if you make up one that's funnier, then points to you.

This is from the adult-only joke book. Yes. Can we go around and say who we're all playing for at home? All right, so Desla, who are you playing for? Isis. I am playing for Lifeline. Great. And I am playing for the Life Centre.

Fantastic. All do good work. And their safe driving course. Do you reckon ISIS would do a safe driving course? Maybe. Who's worse, ISIS or them? Mr. Barack Obama, I say to you, you do not drive safely. The blood of women and children is on your hands.

You wake up smashed up in a car wreck. Mr. Barack Obama, this is your fault. Lou wake up smashed up in a car wreck. Mr. Barack Obama, this is your fault. Lou Mooney is calling me. She's saying I'm picking up Lawrence. That was a Thai

lady boy. Lou Mooney's calling. She's saying he's done it again. That was a radicalised Thai lady boy. Do you say lady boy,

she-male or chicks with dicks? I've always said ladyboy. Depends how formal the occasion is. Right. I'm with my mates, chicks with dicks. But if it's with mum and dad, ladyboy. Yeah.

If I'm at a wedding, I'll say ladyboy. Do you take this chick with dick? Yeah. You wouldn't say that. Chick a dicker. It's more of a barbecue. Yeah. More of an after dinner.

Check out the chick with the dick over there. I love Xavier's Corner. It's a lot of fun. So this Hey, check out the chick with the dick over there. Once I love Xavier's Corner. It's a lot of fun. So this is the adult-only joke book, right? So this is going to get pretty full on. Pretty blue. Blue. Adults who can laugh themselves, don't take life too seriously,

hate being politically correct. Guaranteed belly love. So this is an adult-only joke book, so we do need to stress if you're under 18 and you're listening and you need to turn off right now. It's for those who hate being politically correct i.e. those who hate not being racist. This gets pretty full

on so you guys don't hold back. If you think you can guess the punchline or say something funnier go for it. Use your name to buzz in.

Oh okay. Alright. No actually no fuck that we'll go around. Everyone gets to go. I think we should just be more free form. I reckon we should just you know. First in best dressed. Okay. Everyone gets to go. We'll do it again. I think it should just be more freeform. I reckon we should just, you know, first in best dressed.

All right. Yeah. Saviour's Corner is a lot looser than usual. Everyone's getting a go to say how it works. So, young Johnny was sitting on a park bench. Young Johnny, everyone knows him. Sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars. A man sitting opposite watched him finish six of them.

All right. The man said, eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you. Johnny replied, my granddad lived to 105. Did he eat lots of chocolate bars at once, asked the man? No, said Johnny. Did he eat a whole lot of chocolate bars at once? No, said Johnny. But he did eat my grandma once a night.

Very good. Very good, Lawrence. Points for you. Let's do one more. Don't worry too much. Are we not going to get the answer? No, the answer is no, said Johnny. He minded his own bloody business.

Oh, good. Now, that is raunchy. That is a bit racy for this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is pretty full on stuff. All right. So he's saying, I'm going to kill you. Yeah.

You're not going to. Little Johnny murders the man with his bare hands. Right. All right. What's the difference, I'm going to kill you. Yeah. You're not going to... Little Johnny murders the man with his bare hands. Right. All right. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? I've never fucked an orchestra. Yay!

Good. Points there. Bull's only got two horns. An orchestra's got one. Oh! That's not the answer. That's a good answer. I've never fucked a bull.

Very good. I've never fucked a bull. Very good. I know. A bull has only got one ball bag. Everyone in an orchestra has a ball bag. And that goes to you, all the people who are good at music at school. You and you and you. That's another point for you, Lawrence. Real good work there.

The answer is the bull has horns at the front and the arsehole in the back. So the bull bag. Yeah, there it goes. Alright. Very rude. Let's do another one of these ones.

Little short games. I'm glad I'm 18 or over. I know. Mate, these get more and more full on. Just reading about a bull's arsehole is really giving me

the horn. But how can you tell when a drum... Brutal! Fuck, that was fun. That was fun! God, I love the spontaneity. This is like a rollercoaster

of a podcast today. This is like my Ballarat gig. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight? How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight? How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight? Because you can see his ringo. Very good.

Because he's stuck one of the sticks, his drumsticks up his ass. Yeah, boarding. You just give him a point because he ended on an inclination. Like, yay! You're like, all right, that's something. Carl, that's joke writing.

Sorry. You should know that! If I'd eaten a pie, I'd get it. And always just shout the punchline! Lawrence, you have one? Yeah, it's just a symbol of his posture. Pan's very good. The actual answer is he dribbles out both sides

of his mouth. What? I know, that makes no sense. I can't believe they put this in print, this sort of filth. Adults only. Disgusting. What is that about? The youth of today. Dear penthouse. Okay, alright. God is tired, worn out.

He speaks to St. Peter. I need a vacation, he says. Got any suggestions where I should go? St. Peter begins to think, nods his head and says, how about Jupiter? It's nice and warm this time of year. God shakes his head and says, no, too much gravity. I think I know where this is going. You know how much it hurts my back.

Oh, I see. St. Peter reflects. Well, how about Mercury? No way, God replies. It's too hot for me up there. I see the punchline coming down Bourke Street galloping towards us

St Peter says his face is on my signs teacher knows this punchline I usually ask him the diameter how about going down to Earth for your vacation are you winding me up God replies

answer how about I go on holidays at Balls Deep in Uranus that's the point there Dasolo have you got one How about I go on holidays at Balls Deep in Uranus? That's the point there. Daslo, have you got one? That's what you were thinking, the same one. How about you suck on my Venus?

Lawrence, have you got one? Why don't you go to Mars so you can work, rest and play? Very good, Lance, the point there. It's actually not, it wasn't Uranus. Oh, what? I know. It wasn't Uranus. Oh, what? I know. It was so Uranus. It was, he goes, how about you go to Earth?

And you wind him up, God replies, 2,000 years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're still going on about it. Oh. Jesus Christ. Adults only, people. Stench fest. Adults only.

Is it? I'm not talking about Mary either. Oh, God. This is the worst joke book of all time. We should be writing a joke book. Xavier's Corner. Ironically, we're in a circular booth. Yeah.

Which is a corner for an Irish person. That's from the book as well. Should we do one more? One more. One more. All right. Okay. This is. One more. All right. Okay. This is a longer one.

All right. Two Scottish golfers are just about to putt. Putt out on the 16th green. And one says to the other. Which is adjacent to a road. One says to the other. One says to the other.

Ah, my name's Jason Road. When suddenly a funeral procession passes by as the hearse draws near. I know it. One of the golfers, Mr. McTavish, interrupts his putting. Excuse me, I'm going to have to take off my hat.

And the other one says, oh, that's a great sign of respect. He says, yes, well, I was married to her for 30 years. Oh, babe. Lawrence has got it. You know the adults only stuff. I was going to. What is adults only about that? A kid wouldn't understand how funny it is when your wife dies.

Yeah. They just don't have the life experience to get what's so good about it. Only adults don't go to funerals. Yeah, when you're a kid, you have to go. You have to go. My favourite golf joke. And I think there's always... It's good to have a couple up your sleeve.

Oh, it's turning into the great Aussie joke. Murray, here we go. I'll tell you what. Fantastic. My Aussie joke. Murray, I'm telling you what, fantastic. My favourite golf joke. I was at a golf course

the other day and, no, seriously, thrill-seekers, and I was in the pro shop asking the club professional a few questions

and this woman came in looking very distressed and the club professional said, are you okay, madam? And she said, I've just been stung by a wasp between the first and second holes. Oh! And the club professional said, I think your stance

is probably a bit wide. Oh! Reutel! Once again, Xavier's Corner comes to a very funny end as it usually does. Alright, that's enough of Xavier's Corner. Thanks veryn, everyone. Xavier's Corner comes to a very funny end, as it usually does. All right, that's enough of Xavier's Corner. Thanks very much for another wonderful Xavier's Corner, Zaev. Do you want to know who wins?

Oh, who won? It was Lawrence. Okay. Thanks, everyone. Is that part of his driving test? Can he drive now? It's a test to see whether you're a shithack comedian. What was Xavier's Corner sponsored by this week?

Allied Pickfits? The Careful Movers? No. Who are you dressed by this week? Allied Pickfits? The Careful Movers? No. Who are you dressed by this week? Freddo Birthday Cakes. Oh, okay. Eat a whole one to yourself and cry. And when in Sydney, Xavier always stays at the Siebel Townhouse.

And who are you dressed by this week? This week, I'm dressed by... Freddo Birthday Cakes. Freddo Birthday Cakes. Rub it on your dick and cry. Oh, there's a section here called bumper stickers. Oh, great. There's all great joke books.

I love cats. They taste like chicken. That was only. I'm sorry for the children that just walked in the room just saying you shouldn't be hearing rot like that. What about dyslexics have more often? Uh-oh, they don't know how to spell

because they're El Sono Retardo. Burn the book. El Sono, El Sono Retardo. Can we do a quick, quick, quick, as a quick explanation

at the end of this, we are, if you haven't heard the last couple of episodes, we are now on Patreon.com which means for all you people out there that love the show and would like to support the show in some way and that haven't heard the last couple of episodes we are now on patreon.com which means for all you people out there

that love the show and would like to support the show in some way and that haven't bought a t-shirt or haven't been to a live show and can't or even just want to

chip in every week every month if you go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club you can sponsor us whether it's $1 $2 $5 $10 $20 $30 $1,000 whatever it is I think people know

how numbers work no no no $10,00020, $30, $1,000, whatever it is. I think people know how numbers work. No, no, no. $10,000? Each one of those levels has a prize, has a reward. So for $2, you get a shout-out. For $5, you get the shout-out, plus our new PDF newsletter that we're emailing out this week. We're working on it at the moment.

We're like regular bloody Mad Magazine at this point. Exactly, that's my goal. For $10 a month you get an extra podcast that no one else gets for $30 you get all of that as well plus

a new t-shirt that we're exclusive to those guys so you go to the website you'll find out all that stuff in detail $50 you get pictures of Chandler's parents

having sex with a lady boy yeah yeah yeah I think we want a little bit more for that for $55 you don't get that we do a Xavier comes around I Xavier and I come around and do a sex with lady boy workshop.

We show you the ins and outs. And there are lots of all commutations and permutations as well as talk you through some of the things that you'll have to deal with at barbecues when you tell your uncle that you've done that. For $10,000, Lawrence Mooney will teach you how to drive. Yeah, I will teach you how to drive, how the Lord would drive. In the Popemobile. In the Popemobile.

You should say the website, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club if people want to chip in. I want a t-shirt. Huh? I want a t-shirt. We'll get you a t-shirt. Easy. Have you got one with extra gun room?

Oh, yeah. You are looking good. Just listeners at home, Lawrence has been topless this whole time. That's why I was asking for a t-shirt. He's just got these dirty pants on and nothing else. He is dressed by no one today. And he's got big scars down the side of his chest.

Are they implants? My mum wants to talk to you. No, I got a taxi in Thailand and they're brick marks. All right, so let's talk very quickly. Let's turn this into a telethon. Let's give thanks to some of the people. Who should we do this week? We can't do everyone in one week

because it would just be a heap of people being read out. But maybe if we read the name out and maybe Lawrence or Xavier can say a quick thank you to them. We'll pick four and let's each do one thing. Let's do something about them. We'll pick four people.'s each do one thing. Let's do something about them. We'll pick four people. Okay, yeah, sure. One each.

All right, let's do a couple of these. Some of these guys are on the $5. Let's do these guys. Okay, let's do... Scott Harris. Scott Harris is contributing $5 a month. Thanks, Scott Harris. You're a great guy.

Whoa, that is classic Xavier's Corner. That is a guy who did improv for many years. Scott Harris is sponsoring us and now Xavier's Corner. That is a guy who did improv for many years. Scott Harris is sponsoring us, and now Xavier's Corner is sponsoring him, I think. His surname was a type of tweed made in Australia. Harris Tweed. So that's what we're doing. We've got to come up with things that relate to the names.

Yeah, things that relate to the names. Okay, name relatable, it's called. All right. Catherine S. Thanks, Catherine S, for sponsoring us for $5 a month. Catherine S. What does S stand for? Sexy? Very nice

Michelle Lucas Thank you for sponsoring us Luko That is a thing That's definitely a thing Thank you to Amelia Cormack Amelia Cormack Like Amelia Earhart,

one of the great aviatrixes. Except, thankfully, Amelia is still with us and hasn't plummeted into the ocean and is now deep, deep below the sea. Hopefully.

Cormack, mac and cheese, great dish. Yes. What else have we got? I'd love to mac your core. Yeah. What two lovely things together in one.

Kiss your stomach, that means. Return of the mac. Return of the mac. Ben Amodio. Kiss your stomach, that means. Return of the Mac. Return of the Mac. Ben Amodio. Kiss your stomach. She might be 12. Really?

It might be. You don't have to be 18 to get online. Yeah, exactly. You don't need anything about that. You should. Fuck. Well, the police listen to this podcast, so you may be in a lot of trouble. Ben Amodio.

Thank you, Ben Amodio, for sponsoring us. You almost sound like ammonium. Yeah, that's... Look at the wordplay that's coming out. Who doesn't want to sponsor the podcast when you're going to get results like this, guys? Three more. Let's do three more.

Katrina Shortle, I know you. Katrina Shortle? Yeah. She was in the portal. It rhymes. Ben Ullman, thank you for sponsoring us for $5. You'll get your newsletter very soon. Any relation to Chris Ullman?

Ben Ullman, I'm glad you're sponsoring this podcast. Benny boy. Is anyone going to want to do this now after the savage roasting that we're giving out with these names? We're giving them props. One more. Lex Noling. Lex, thank you for being the one person called Lex that is A, sponsoring us,

and B, not trying to kill Superman over and over. Yeah. Thanks, Lexie. Thanks for doing some good for the Lex name. Yeah, you brought Lex back to the good side of the force. Well done, Lex. And that's all the thank yous we're giving to people for donating this week.

Thank you. We'll filter them through. We'll keep doing them. Yeah, we'll keep doing those shoutouts. We haven't read your name out this week. It will be one of the other weeks. So. So that's it, guys.

This is like on Cartoon Connection when they do all the birthdays of the day. Yeah. It's pretty exciting stuff. Yeah. Sophie Lee. Well, what have we learnt? What have we learnt this week, guys?

Because that does bring us to the end of the podcast. I've learnt that Carl plans ahead when it comes to buying baked goods. Yeah. If Frank isn't going to have a pie at lunchtime, then that's not going to stop Carl Chandler. But he does not plan ahead when he's getting drugs for a plane flight. It's planning ahead. It's not letting no pies at lunchtime beat me.

It's common sense. You just eat as much as you can of horrible food at 9 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, easy. Bang. Think like me. Great. Wow, I would have liked to have been on that flight and just watched you looking around, looking at the pill, looking around, breaking into a sweat

that's like, why have I taken this onto an international flight from a man renowned for not necessarily getting all of his goods from reputable apothecaries.

I fell asleep on the plane and now it's back in Australia. Yeah, it's gone through the portal. That's how it works. The pilot's like, he's on this plane twice already. We better get him off. All right. Xavier Michaelides, Lawrence Mooney, thank you very much for joining us. It's a pleasure

thank you guys you guys are both about to set off on the old festival circuit for 2016 what have you got Adelaide

Melbourne Sydney Perth I think it goes or Perth Sydney the name of your show is Moon Man oh just Moon Man Lawrence Mooney in Moon Man

Lawrence Mooney Moon Man and it's an exploration of my comic psyche. Right. Oh, great. Bubbles to the surface, but it's also an exploration of the duality of the man. As Bart Friedman put it very succinctly to me, he goes, you are probably one of the most considerate people that I know,

but also one of the loosest units I've ever clapped eyes on. Can I pitch a joke idea for you? Yes, please. I'll do a parody song. I like it. About you having male-to-male intercourse where you go, If you believe they put a man in the moon

Man in the moon. Man in the moon. If you believe there's nothing up their sleeves. Where is my phone? Meet me on the dark side of the moon. I'm on the tram I don't know I'm being followed by a moon shadow

Moon keeps pointing at his little butthole as he's doing this part of the list making no reference to his bum but just pointing at his bum

when he's saying it I love it big closer for the show great Zave what have you got I'm going to be in Perth February 5th doing a show

Zave Mike Liddy's at at the Venue Allocated. It's also a real deep show like Lawrence's. At the Venue Allocated? That's the name of the show. At the Venue Allocated. It's actually at the Moon Cafe. I know it. Everyone knows the moon.

Meet me on the dark side of the moon. I'd like to dine out at the Moon Cafe, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you want fries with that? Or just heat some mayo? Mayo is the cum. Oh, yeah. That's it.

Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, Melbourne National Comedy Festival with Ben Russell called The No Show. Oh, can't wait. The aforementioned little Moscow circus freak who we were talking about. Yes. Little freaky boy. Plus, if you... A graduate of Second City, Chicago. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Like, he's done the shit. He's done the real business. Plus, if you... He's showed Tokyo Hotel. If you're one of the people that are on Patreon and you subscribe to us

and patronise us for $5 or more, you get our monthly newsletter called Hey Mates. And there will be a print version of Xavier Corner in there this month. I'm going to say this. We're about to send out the first one. Maybe this will incentivise people to get on board in the next month. For the second one that we do,

I'm going to draw a little Dum Dum Club fold-in, Al Jaffe style, for the back cover of it. Yes! We'll do that. Al Jaffe style, for the back cover of it. Yes! Let's do that. Al Jaffe from Mad Magazine? Yeah, yeah. I'll do a Dumb Dumb look at something or other. Oh, yes!

Like Sergio Aragones. Let's do a themed issue two. Let's just bullshit one. No, let's make all of them like this. What are we doing? No, issue two is a Mad themed magazine. Okay, great. Great.

We'll get the old usual gang of idiots to chip in. Oh! Fantastic. I can't wait. The Dumb Dumb side of. Magazine. Great. We'll get the old usual gang of idiots to chip in. Fantastic. I can't wait. The dum-dum side of. Yeah. Oh, man, I can't wait to parody the movie Cocoon. I'll take my dad's advice.

I'll try and meet Sergio Aragones and get him to do some drawings for us for the margins. I'm so excited. I'm going to start pitching in to pay money for us just to get this issue too. I'm excited. Guys, we've got all our live stuff around the country on sale. It's all at littledumbdumbclub.com. Get onto patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Should we go through all the shows?

We've done that at the top of the episode, I guess. Can I just plug this? I'm in Canberra from the 3rd to the 10th. Of what? February. Doing a show called Bunch of Ideas and it's just basically a workshop. Just a crazy hour workshop

is it cheap? come along it is cheap yep great it's El Cheapo we've got heaps of listeners in Canberra we haven't done a live show there

and we regret that but we haven't quite made it work so heaps of people from Canberra listen so hey Mooney's one of everyone's favourites especially people that listen to the podcast

so go down there you've got to promise me you're going to try out my parody song you've got to at least you're going to try out my parody song. You've got to at least give it a run. I will. And what's more, I'll make it very visual. No, before you do it, can I have a volunteer from the audience?

Can I have a volunteer to plough me while I sing this sweet song by R.E.M.? All right, guys, that is it. What would R.E. would REM stand for in that? Random enema by a man. No. Rear entry man. Rectal everyday Mooney. You make it too complex.

All right, guys, that is it for the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Oh, we all did it. Brutal. Brutal. Andre Brutal.