The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 279 - Tony Martin & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: February 9, 2016

Hunchbax, A Doctor Ramsey Update and Australia Post.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Yalla Chocolate Mousse. It's my favourite snack. Well, if podcasters eat it, you know it's good. No, it is awesome, so please... You know what, Tommy? My supermarket is constantly sold out of it. Great. So, someone sent me a picture the other day of them buying the last one or something.

Right. That was good of them. Keep it coming, guys. Keep the tweets and the Facebook coming. Don't just buy it and keep it to yourself. Let us know because the good folks at Yella, they love seeing that. And also, they are now – Yella are now aware that we want some form of sticker on their product or some sort of mention on their label that, you know,

this is the official chocolate mousse of the Little Dum Dum Club. So we want to make that happen. There's lots of unofficial ones out there. Yeah. And we just want Yella to get the credit. There's all these other brands out there. I saw Yogo the other day trying to claim that we're in bed with them. No such thing. I saw

Yalla chocolate mousse in Thailand and they were saying the little dumb shit club were the official podcast. You mean Yallo. Guys, if you are in Adelaide, this is your last warning before our big live show at the Fringe Festival this Saturday February the 13th at 4pm at the Rhino Room.

A couple of guests locked in already. It's going to be a huge day. And should we say this? We've broken the record. We've broken the ticket sale record already. Adelaide, you've gotten off your little arses. You've made it worth our while. But you know what?

We're all about that paper. We want more of you in there. We want a full, full crazy room. It's going to be a great show. It's always a great party show. So please come along to that. Then, next live shows, we've got Brisbane. Brisbane, you guys are awesome.

March 20, we're up there. We're doing three shows. We're doing a 1.30 podcast, which is about half full. We're doing a 3 o'clock podcast, which is sold out. After that, we're doing a stand-up show at 4.30, which is 30 minutes each of me and you and our newest stuff, Tommy. How's that selling? It's okay.

Cool, great. That's going to be a huge day. Can't wait for that up in Brisbane. Then following that, Melbourne International Comedy Festival, March 27 until April 17, I believe, every Sunday afternoon of the comedy festival. Three o'clock, European Beer Cafe. You know the live shows we put on in Melbourne.

They're crazy. Then there's my 40th birthday live show on the Wednesday night, March 30, which is going to be awesome. 11 o'clock, so there's no other shows. Go there after you've seen

a show that night and it is going to be like a mini drunk cast. Speaking of drunk cast, there's also the Maxi Drunk Cast, which is on the last night of the Comedy Festival at 11 o'clock,

European Beer Cafe, where you get in free if you have a ticket for any of the other shows at 11 o'clock, European Beer Cafe, where you get in free if you have a ticket for any of the other shows, any other podcasts. Yes, we've also got our live shows on sale. Mine's called Tommy Dasolo, Little Golden Dasolo. It's a show where the audience gets a little activity book and they read along with me doing comedy.

I did a trial the other night and it's going to be very fun. You have got your little idiot circus. Yes, Carl Chandler, Defensie's title as world's greatest and best comedian, where I get guests in every night to hang shit on me while I do the best little idiot circus. Yes, Carl Chandler, Defensie's title as world's greatest and best comedian, where I get guests in every night to hang shit on me while I do the best little jokes I can. Awesome. On top of that, hey, nearly everyone's bought season passes. Oh, cool.

Season passes get you into all four live podcasts plus the drunk cast. Man, so many more people have bought that than individual tickets. So, yeah, keep doing that and come to every week. Should we announce this too? The season passes, we've worked out a deal where if you go up to Meyer, you can get $50 off any purchase at Meyer if you show them a print off of your Dumb Dumb Club season pass. Okay, good luck with that, everyone.

Hello, can I have $50 off this bed linen? Wouldn't have thought so, Ed. We need to do some shout outs. The Patreon is kicking along very nicely. We are just about to send out issue two of the Dum Dum monthly newsletter. And there's been two bonus episodes that have come out already, which have been excellent. And, of course, part of the deal is if you pay anything above $2 or above

every month, you get a shout-out. So here's the new shout-out. Jared Murphy, thanks for chucking in $10 a month. Murfo. Thank you, Murfdog. Thanks, GM. Here's going to be a more interesting one to make one of those names of. Oh, boy.

Matthew Chalupka Wagner. Oh, the big wag dog. Yes. MC Dub, thanks for getting on board. Jarko Juntunen. Classic Jarko. He's done it again. I think I've burnt myself out with these.

Sean McManus, thanks for being part of it, Macca. Margot Collins, she's on board. Thanks, Kolo. Matthew Gregory. Matthew Gregory, he's chucking up. Ten large. And by large, mean $1. Ten, $1. Ten. Oh, no, not ten. Yeah, okay, I get it now.ing up $10 large. And by large, I mean $1. $10, $1.

Oh, no, not $10. Yeah, okay, I get it now. Yeah, $10. You went about that in a very weird way. Yes. Yes. Kelly Townsend. She's on board.

Thank you, Kelly Townsend. Julie Stoddard. Stoddard gets it. You stuttered over Stoddard. All right. I think that's enough for this week. Okay, that will do. And, yeah, we should hype up.

The second edition of the Dumb Dumb magazine is looking so good. It's going to be sent out soon. It's a Mad magazine themed. We followed through. It is all Mad magazine themed. We've had some special guest contributors. I've been busting my little fanny making stuff over the weekend for it. And, yeah, it's all – fuck, it looks good.

It's legitimately great. And here's another. It's five bucks, just five bucks a month. Yeah. Let's say just over a dollar a week. That's nothing to get such sweet content. Here's another tiny little teaser. We are going to have a tour poster coming out next week.

Yeah. They're going to be available at the Adelaide show from then on. And they're a tour poster. And it is fucking awesome. Again, an uncharacteristic amount of work for the two of us has gone into it. Well, we didn't do the work. We gave it to someone else to do. Someone else did it.

But uncharacteristic amount of work for this podcast. Let's say that. It is. It is. You wait till you see it. We'll hype it up on Facebook. Get on Facebook. Get on Twitter.

Get on Instagram if you're not on. We do so much dumb content during the week. Yeah. And yeah, that's all we have for now. So all of this stuff can be found at littledumbdum club.com for all the links and all that stuff and we'll see you out there in the real world mates enjoy the air hey mates welcome once again into the little Dumb Numb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

Thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, we've got the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. I've got to say, I don't want to start off on a negative note, but... Oh, that'd be rare for this show, yeah. A little bone to pick with you. Okay. I walked in here. I walked down your street.

We're at your house. Yep. I saw your car parked out the front. Yes. With some brand new license plates on it. Yes. Now, you don't have to tell me what it does say on it. Tell me what it doesn't say on it, Carl.

You've gone out after last week's discussion of having your plates flogged. You've gone and you've replaced your licence plates. Yes. What did you not get? I didn't get what? I don't know what you want me to say. You promised on air on this show that you were going to get got him as your new licence plate. I did not promise. You did on air on this show that you were going to get got him as your new license plate.

I did not promise. You did. We have it on tape. You made a solemn oath to get got him and you haven't even gone and done it. Did I say that? You did. You promised me you'd look into it. Did you even look into it?

Look into it. Look, I got new number plates. For the guests that are sitting here, let's get them in here. Let's get them in. Let's get them in. First of all, Dave O'Neill. Hey, Puffs. Jesus Christ.

Hey, you could have got that as your license plate. That would have been good. Some people would ask that to be edited out. Dave's trying to get that as a catchphrase. Personalised, I'll introduce Tony. Also, we've got Tony Martin. No catchphrase. I've worked on this.

Oh, you get to walk free from this podcast. That's good. Hey, poofs is taken. Also, that was going to be what I got as a number plate as well, but it didn't fit in six characters. I saw this number plate the other day, HKYGRL, so Hockey Girl. And my kid said, why would you get Hockey Girl as your number plate? And I said, because lesbian was taken.

Dave's two for two at this point. Welcome back to Blankety Blank. My partner didn't like that joke. Ugly Dave O'Neill. There he goes. Because lesbian was taken. I did a gig with ugly Dave Gray's son once. Yeah, David Gray.

Yeah, and he's almost blind. He's like, can't see. And he wasn't great. yeah and he's almost blind he's like can't see and he oh he wasn't great yeah he got and he said oh dad said to say

hello to you like you know I've never met Dave Grey isn't the idea of like Ugly Dave Dave Grey Junior

he sort of inherited Ugly Dave Grey's jokes yeah but those weren't really his jokes no

it was sort of like accepting stolen goods yeah exactly like you know I was in hospital and I said the nurse are you a friend or an en like you know i was in hospital and i said the nurse are you a friend or an enema you know like bad jokes that's one of his that's a one joke that's that's that's his joke i remember him saying it on blankety blanks and he kind of looks

like ugly dave he's already got a bit of a coma yes oh and he's a young man he's a young man oh nice but i have to say he i always talk about this gig. I once did a show at the Young and Jacksons, and he killed and everyone else died. And it was all servicemen. You know how you get Navy guys? And they were just calling for David Gray to come out. Mooney was doing his filthiest gear. Nothing was working.

I died. Peter Grace died. Sammy J, I think they wanted to ram the keyboard up his ass. It was like, just bring back David Gray with jokes we remember from school. Well, you know, that was a great gig, Young and Jackson. It was a gig at a pub that's opposite a railway station. And free. And free.

Free to get in. Got everything going for it in terms of nightmare situation. So quick recap. I got my number plate stolen last week. So that's why we're talking about this. They were stolen. They've been missing for the last couple of weeks. I have quickly gone and got a bunch of plates because I've been sitting there for a couple of weeks with no plates on.

That's bad. The offer still stands. Let's get online. People have been very vehement that I need to get personalised number plates. Yeah, Dum Dum. What about Dum Dum? Well, it's got down to either Dum Dum or Got Tim. Got him.

Got him's good. Got him's funny. Like, Dum Dum, you're driving around with the licence plate promoting this podcast. I don't feel good about it. I'm aware. That's weird. See, Got Tim, it does look like Got Tim. Yes, that's what we want.

Oh, you do? That's part of the canon of this show For some reason we've evolved In our little idiot world It turned into Got Tim Into individually just getting someone called Tim Tim Smith Tim Minchin

Other Tims of comedy We've literally never had a Tim on the show Really? No we've had Tim Minchin So it's down to that Look we were already asking for money off Patreon and whatever I think look I'm happy Tim on the show so we're so oh no we've had Tim mentioned so it's down to that look we were already asking for money

off Patreon and whatever I think look I'm happy like it's $500 I think to get something like that

yeah I reckon look I'm going to start this up next week on social media if the listeners want to kick in

half of that I'll kick in the second half oh very generous yeah well I'm like the great man I'm not going to take it out of

my mum's purse so I'm only asking the listeners yeah got me good one when I bought my personalised licence plate yeah mum paid for all of them Well, unlike the great man, I'm not going to take it out of my mum's purse. So I'm only asking you listeners. Yeah, got me. Good one. When I bought my personalised licence plate, yeah, mum paid for all of them. Well, let's put it out there. So I do have a temporary licence plate.

I'm sorry, Tommy, for betraying you. Yeah. But I do need to drive around at some stage. So they've only just gone on yesterday. Oh, right. How are you feeling? Back behind the wheel. I literally haven't driven it yet. Oh, well, I can see why you rushed out to get in there. Well, that was yesterday. They went on yesterday. Oh, right. How are you feeling? Back behind the wheel. I literally haven't driven it yet.

Oh, well, I can see why you rushed out to get in there. Well, that was yesterday. They went on yesterday. Because not to brag too much, but I didn't know how to put them on myself. So yesterday I got someone else. I went to a garage. RACV. Oh, I was going to call them because I don't know what to do.

Yeah. I've got to be honest. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do anything. Can you change a tyre? No. Oh, you can't change a tyre. You can change a tyre a tyre? No. Oh, you can't change a tyre. You can change a tyre.

No, I can't. You can't change a tyre. I can't put number plates on. How am I going to change a tyre? Tony, can you change tyres? I actually do, but it does look very much like the Kirby Enthusiasm episode where he had to change the tyre. Yeah.

He's just asking passers-by for advice. Yeah, yeah, that would be me. Because if you don't put it on the structure bit, it just... Yeah, it goes through the model of the car. Any sort of car trouble, first step would be me. Because if you don't put it on the structure bit, it just goes through the model of the car. Any sort of car trouble, first step would be just calling my dad. As sad as that is, that would literally be my first port of call. Don't you have road sign insurance? Yeah, I'd still call dad.

Oh, really? To find out the number for that. That's sad. Hang on, what about the plates that were stolen? Were they personalised? No. So someone, that's what I'm saying. So what's going on?

So your plates are going to turn up in a bank robbery. Exactly. I'll put the listeners on high alert. If anyone sees SYR465 driving around doing drive-bys or anything like that. Bank robberies don't happen that much anymore. It's probably more a terrorist attack. Oh, really? Oh, is that all?

Okay. I saw a preview copy of Channel 9's Here Come the Habibs and SRY467 was in the credits. Is that going to be the new, what's the name? Alan Smithy. Alan Smithy. Yeah, you're right. Here Come the Habibs.

Who's driving with those number plates? How's this for a crime? My mother-in-law had her credit card stolen out of the letterbox, and then she got the statement, and the first thing they did was drive straight to Yarraville and buy $39 worth of McDonald's. Oh. That was the first thing.

But then the second thing they did was buy $1,000 worth of petrol. $1,000? How do you buy that? So, now, you've either got a tanker or don't you reckon it would be they've just called all their mates and gone come down to this and put petrol for everyone? Hang on, I'll Nick Chandler's place and I'll put them on my car. We'll come down.

I'll never get caught. But you've got to put blame on the service attendant there just watching this parade of cars coming through and it all being paid for by one person yeah in a track suit with his credit card some guy with a credit card and the name on its effle like to not raise the alarm yeah well since payway's been introduced credit card fraud's gone up by 100 or something like that really because you know the junkies are just stealing the cards there's pay wave and everything yeah pay wave pay wave yeah my brother had his credit card style and this is a while ago, but you could see

he just went down Chapel Street in Melbourne and he just got a boost juice. He went to Sports Girl. He went to every shop. Wait, you've got an identical twin brother. Was it just you that stole the card? Good point. Well, that's the thing. He had his guitar hocked because they stole his...

They broke into a house, they stole his guitar and they stole some ID and the cop goes, he rings up, he goes, great news, we've found your guitar in a pawn shop and the idiot burglar used some identification because you've got to have ID when you're holding stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, hang on, I'll have a look. The guy who stole your guitar was?

Greg Fleet. No, David O'Neill. My brother's like, yeah, that's my brother. It's like, wow. Well, Pete Sharkey, who was on the... Former legend of comedy world. Yes. Great comedian who's moved to Perth, doesn't do it anymore.

Drives a pretty mean truck now, though. Yeah, right. Train or something. He once had his credit card stolen and when they checked it up, all they'd done was buy three pairs of underpants from Dimmies. Well they needed it. Like within the hour.

No more than three. I'll get suspicious. A friend of mine, Dave Grenfell, if he's listening, video shop clerk extraordinaire. He told me... Still a video shop clerk. Just hanging in there. One of the last two. Has he got an exit strategy?

He's got nothing. He's the band on the Titanic. He's a large man with a beard and glasses. There are no other options. He told me he went to St Kilda. He said, I visited a friend in St Kilda and I don't want to stereotype the suburb, but he lives on the second floor and I looked out

the window and I could see a guy walking up the street with a rubbish bag and a crowbar, crowbarring open letterboxes and just putting everything from the letterboxes into the rubbish bag, like a reverse Santa. Just indiscriminately, just whatever. Yeah, just cleaning out the street. Wow, that's awesome. Is that our crime report? Yeah, crime report? Yeah.

Crime report's done. Dumb dumb, keeping the streets safe. Yes. Once again. Hey, I want to ring this up because this is something I heard about last week, and I thought this would be very good for both of you. Now, shows that, like if me, Tommy or I ever get offered anything, it's an immediate yes before they ask us what, you know, before they mention what it actually is.

Now, I just answer the phone by saying yes. Yes. I don't even introduce myself, whatever it is. Yes, I'll do it. I'll do it. You're the optus of podcasters. Yeah. So you were offered something a couple of weeks ago, I heard.

Yeah. What are you talking about? I get offered shows, yeah, but often I can go through some hole in the wall. Remember hole in the wall, Tony? That was where people ran at a silhouette, wasn't it? Yeah, so it's like a wall with a bit cut out of it and it moves towards you. Yeah, that's it.

Your body Tetris-style. A weird Tetris thing. Yeah, I got offered that. As the wall? I can see a Dave O'Neill-shaped hole in the wall. I mean, Get Thin, Get Fat, I was also offered. Right. Which is, it was on cable.

It was a, I don't think they ever did it, but they did an English version where they put a fat person in a house with a really thin person and the fat person has to eat the thin person's food and the thin person has to eat the fat person's food. Diet swap kind of thing. Yeah, diet swap. They wanted me to do that.

Raging bull to reality shows That's what I said I'd love to eat Fat people's food And they'd say No you're the fat person And would the skinny person Have been like a celeb as well

Yeah yeah yeah So like You and Josh Thomas In a house Yeah yeah yeah Although I was saying It was going to be You know she was on

E Street This is coming back With blonde hair And she had a few Kim Wilson Alyssa Jane Cook That's? Alyssa Jane Cook? That's it. Alyssa Jane Cook or someone like that.

But also, you know, they asked me about I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So you were offered to go in the jungle? Well, they were keen apparently, but I said to my partner... Are there any dimsums in the Amazon? This is it.

This is it. But, you know, I just said, because it's interesting, some people you tell, like I told someone like, say, Glenn, we don't say his name,

Glenn Robbins, you know, people like that, he goes, oh, no, you shouldn't do that. You know, that's not a great show.

And then I was telling Hughes the other day, that's not his real name, he's going, oh, why didn't you do it? To be honest, mate, to be honest, you should have done it.

Like seriously, no one knows who you are. I mean a few people know who you are, but that could have put you on the map. So then we're driving back from this gig and I'm thinking, maybe I should have gone to the jungle. What about the diving board one? Yeah, they asked me to do that. Celebrity splash. See, they love a fat person in bathers.

I reckon that's my theory. And they kept going Until they got Adam Richards But The problem with those shows Is that Adam Richards said It still hurts Where he got concussion

Oh what Yeah yeah yeah What is the problem With those shows Permanent concussions Because the thing is You can hurt yourself And that's

I watched it I'm a celebrity And I'm like They all jumped out Of a helicopter Yeah And I'm like I couldn't do that No a helicopter. Yeah. And I'm like, I couldn't do that. No.

Because I broke my leg in a radio stunt. Right. So that's, it's a, you know. Yes. Yeah, that's right. I forgot that. But you're not going to be asked to jump over dicko in the middle of the jungle.

Exactly. That's how you broke it, right? So I would be very hesitant. I've already broken my leg. What about a show called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of There? It's just people calling their agents furious from a jungle. I'm not quite a celebrity, get me out of there.

But Tony, you must have been off at all those shows. Oh, Dancing with the Stars. Oh, yeah. Years ago. But what I loved about that is they sent me a letter and it was like, and then you notice that Tony is written in a slightly different font. Dear, Tony, we think it would be great for you and your fans.

Your fans would grow to love Tony even more if they saw you on. So that obviously set it out to everyone. But it's like, it's so much work. So much rehearsing. I mean, I was working with Kate Langbrook on radio when she did Dancing with the Stars and they just went after her. You're not in your comfort zone. You're dancing.

We're comedians. And there's hours. It sounds odd to be funny to go on one time, but it's like eight weeks of rehearsal. Ten-hour rehearsals and then injuries. What about that skating one? It got shut down after two eps because people got severely injured on both eps, I think it was.

And Kate would train for like six hours a day or something like that. And you're doing it with professional dancers who just, you know, keep kicking your ass. Yeah, what is this? Like all of them do involve really rigorous – like there's no celebrity shows where it's just like a day a week. Like it's like someone who just hates the whole idea of celebrity just wants to put them all through the ringer well if someone came up with one that used our talents like whether it be debating or whatever you'd gladly

do it but it's always like wanting to do something really physically bad to you but after a few sort of get outs like greg fleet told me that he was asked to do Celebrity Big Brother and he said, well, quite aside from the heroin issue, he goes, I'm like a massive smoker. So he went, I couldn't go in there and then he found out later, secret smoking room for the celebrity. There'd have to be. You've got to ask that about Warnie

and currently on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, he still smokes. Right. So he hasn't given up cigarettes. Is he smoking in the jungle? He must be smoking in the jungle. I don't know. But someone said this to me, that he must have made that deal

that he gets cigarettes three times a day. Because he has not. I don't reckon he's given up. Look at you sitting here speculating. You could be on the ground right now. Finding out for sure for us. Coming on here in a month with the big scoop. Is there a secret room where Warnie can just text page three

girls from English folk have his baked beans the Warnie room. He's trying to text the other girls in the show who don't have their mobiles on them.

His challenge one week is to finally get that whole pint glass up into the gob. But yeah, all those reality shows you get offered for all of them

don't you Tony? I had a couple of not so much anymore my thing now is I get asked to direct things because I've done a few sitcoms and actually got Here Come the Habibs. When's your episode on?

Well, I didn't do it. I got asked to do it and I couldn't do it because I was doing a fringe show. And then it was only filming in about two months and then they said a week later they emailed back and go, how would you like to write one? I'm going, is it not written? Isn't this the first Channel 9 sitcom in 15 years

and you haven't written it yet? Do you think the Fringe Festival was the cause of a lot of talent knocking back here come the bibs? I think you're the sole one of the middle of that Venn diagram. I did hear a few stories about comics in Sydney just being sent spec scripts going can you maybe fix this and them going

who are you and what is this like no sort of it's just like oh if you can just have a look at this because we should say we're recording this

Tuesday afternoon here come the Habib's premieres tonight so we're recording this in a pre Habib's world but people will be listening to it in a post Habib's world

the internet furore has not happened yet and the word is that it's better than the promos. Look, so we may be laughing. TV Week says a surprising amount of heart, according to the Channel 9 promo. What's heart?

That's what people want now. Excess baggage. I got asked to be in that one too. That was fat celebrities with real people. I was going to say, because biggest loser celebrity sounds like the most common sense celebrity to me. Yeah, exactly. And the bloke who was stuck down the mine, Todd and...

Yeah, he was in it. Not Todd, the other one. Brent. Brent. Now, see, the thing is, years ago when we were doing Get This and those guys were down the mine, we used to go, Lockie Hume would come in on the show and we would say, okay, there's going to be a telemovie. We thought it would be called Shaft of Hope.

We would say, okay, there's going to be a telemovie. We thought it would be called Shaft of Hope. And our prediction for Todd and Brandt was the guy who's Kenny as Todd and Dave O'Neill as Brandt. Yeah, and I auditioned for it. And eight years later, eight years later, Kenny has put on so much weight that he's now Brandt and Lockie Hume played Todd. It's all chances.

I reckon that's the only reason I got an audition because I don't audition for dramas Ali at all and they rang me up we want you to audition but you do kind of look like Brandt I do look like Brandt

and I said is this because of Tony Martin's campaign they should just redo it with you in it here's what I think you know there's like three Steve Jobs movies

I reckon every true story just should have three separate takes at it so we really get all kind of angles of it The Molly Meldrum one Have another go From Daryl's point of view

In a couple of years What I like is that On iTunes I was on iTunes last night And it says Molly season one Oh And you're going

Wow What's that Meldrum guy doing Well see those two Minors should be In every celebrity show Because it's like Well you've been in a well For a couple of weeks

Like what's going Into the jungle Like that's awesome. Well, the odd thing about those guys is that they both do, like, professional speaking now. So if you have your Maryborough Rotary Club, you can get Todd or Bran to turn up, but they don't do it together. They do separate.

Wouldn't it be great to see those two walk out and say, we're the guys who survived that. Let's tell you about it. But they do separate stuff. But it must be like the president and the vice president, they will travel together in case one of them goes down. The cash cap can still be there. And then every time they do a gig,

you want them to run out and get into the ambulance. And then someone they employ who dresses as Koshy runs and dives into the ambulance. So this is like the Fawlty Towers experience. The Beaconfield Miner experience. Is this the year, guys? Is this the year Fawlty Towers, the dining experience for the Barry? I've said around now what would be good is if you got asked

to play a part in there. Why can't you play John Cleese in there? Look, I'm saving myself for Witches and Britches because I'm fascinated by how do they think of the – they're always a few years behind. Like, wasn't it Two and a Half Witches last year? Oh, yeah, yeah. And then it was Nightmare on Britches Street or something.

So these are all like – what do you call them? Dinner – Theater restaurants. Theater restaurant shows in Melbourne. Two big ones in Melbourne. There's Dracula's, which Stephen Gates from Tripod used to work at. And Mike McLeish, who was Keating in Keating the Musical. He's now in The Seekers, the musical.

That's right. He was very good. I went with my mother-in-law and he was very good as Keith. And there's also Witches in Britches. Now Dracula seems to go for a bit more of a spook fest. Witches in Britches is primarily concerned with fitting as many puns into the poster as they can. The show is called Vanity Lair. Yes.

And it's a cover of Vanity Fair. And again, you're going maybe 10 years ago when Debbie Moore was pregnant or whenever that was. I wouldn't like to be Vanity Fair right now after that spoofing. I've done stand-up at Dracula's. And it's great because the room is set up like, have you been in there? We filmed on the late show when Dr. Harry Cooper, whatever song he sang. Oh, it would have been Alice Cooper.

Alice Cooper, Department of Youth, that is all filmed at Dracula. Because it's a great, it's actually a great venue, isn't it, Tony? It's a great, it's got tiered seating. But they've gone serious. Like the themes of the show are like Twilight themed. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, but they're not, they're not. The shows aren't great. I've never been to one. And it's something that I really want to do. Don't. It's like a joke night out. Nah, yeah, right. Yeah, but they're not, they're not, the shows aren't great.

I've never been to one and it's something that I really want to do as a joke night out which I think will wear out within a minute. We filmed something there

and they said stick around for the show and within about 10 minutes I'm like, oh man. I went to Hunchbanks dealing with the party. Richmond.

Yes. Rest in peace. Which is actually gone and I went there and it was bad because it's not bad enough it was bad Because it's not Bad enough To be entertaining

And it's not good enough To be entertaining And I imagine the food's Not great either No It's just kind of like Subpar on both sides My favourite was where

Chicken Palmer Got his start Was the Looney Bin The Looney Bin Which was a In North Melbourne Wasn't it? Yes a theatre restaurant

Named after an insane And I remember this There was one called Alcatraz Yes. There was one called Alcatraz. Yes. And there was one called... There's something else to do with a prison. Yeah.

And they sued each other because they both had the catchphrase, come and get locked in for the night. And they both decided that they owned... It was the dungeon, it was called. So the idea in Melbourne of a theatre restaurant has to hinge on a really bad place that you wouldn't want to go and eat at. Well, there's a Titanic one. There's a Titanic one too.

The Titanic one in Williamstown. That's still going. I think it's still going. I've seen Dracula's. People lined up around the block to get in there. The thing about Dracula's is that they have – what struck me about the show is that the band starts and the band keeps playing for the entire show.

So, like, even when they have a guy in a bad Dracula wig making jokes, there's a bass and a drum going behind him. Yeah, that's great. You know what I mean? So it's like, yeah, it really sucks to be up here tonight. Mike McLeish, who had gone from playing, you know, 1,000 people in Keating and then had gone back to Dracula's. Very quickly, Keating the musical comedy festival show 2004.

And then it became a big – That won the Barry Award. Huge, huge Australian musical. He did a hilarious show at the Butterfly Club called The World is Winning about working at Dracula's and about how he got a role in that TV show Bed of Roses and so he missed the rehearsal so the owner went to him and said, you'll never work in a theatre restaurant in this town again.

And his whole show was just hilarious descriptions of being dressed as a werewolf and greeting people while you're singing a Thirsty Merc song. Thirsty Merc, the scariest band of all time. They're like the Groovy Ghoulies of the 90s. Hang on, you're going to explain what Keating is and not the Groovy Ghoulies? I don't know what that is. It's a cartoon from well before your time, I would have thought.

Kind of a bearer thing, I think. So I went to Hunchback. I don't know if I've talked about this on the show before, but we went there and... Work function? No, no. It was literally like we're talking about, like how funny would it be to go to a bad theatre restaurant? It's not.

So there was a group of us and we went, oh, this would be great. And we shoved in this tiny little bar at the front. And then eventually they go, right, you're allowed to go into the band room, the performance space. But the thing is, the way that you went through into the performance space was just this narrow, tiny little doorway. And what it actually was, was they went, go into the cylinder of doom. And you went in there and it was literally a giant cardboard toilet roll tube.

Oh, that's right. Yes. Yes. And you went in there and someone manually pushed you around from the outside and went, whoa. Yes. Yes. Like really slowly. in there and someone manually pushed you around from the outside and went, whoa! Yes! Yes! Like really slowly until you just went out there into the performance.

It's like the idea of those things. I think it was my 40th or maybe my 30th. I didn't have any children, so it was a long 38th birthday. We got a minibus and drove it to the Cuckoo restaurant in the Dandenongs. Oh, Cuckoo. Which is a German-themed all-you-can-eat restaurant. Oh, I thought this was another loony bin or something. And I think that was the first one.

I think that was – Yeah, and so it was in the 70s. We used to go there as little kids. And so I picked up all my mates and my mum and dad, and we went up there. And Dad said, that German guy, the old bloke with the leader house and cooking the pancakes, was here in my work break-up in 1979. It's definitely the same guy

and uh and the idea of it is is really fun but after about your half an hour of eating the food and sitting there going oh this isn't you know this is not we thought this would be awesome but it's not that awesome yeah what i like about your story about hunchbacks carl is going along to watch something purely to shit on it yeah that's basically how you started doing stand-up is it not so what if the sliding doors moment were instead of comedy catching on, you're like, I could be a better Dracula than any of these cunts, and then you're still out there now. Totally.

Especially hunchbacks, because it's the most limited of all the theme restaurants, where it's like, you've got to jam a guy with a hunchback into every show you're doing. You're dressed as a werewolf pulling chicken tenders out of a deep fryer. Chicken tenders would have been good instead of the $2 a kilo roast beef I was eating. But the Witches and Britches, like I say, the movie titles are always from five years ago. We were going, what's a current one? We were going, what would be a theatre restaurant show you could do based on, I don't know, The Revenant? What would that be?

We worked out what they would do is it would be the fevenant and it would be Fred and Frivola it would be mauled by a bear while serving chocolate puddings now what would a

witch's in britches what should be next year's one given that you've got to pick a show a movie 5, 10, 15 years ago I reckon they're about you to take on

The Nugget The Nugget it'll be I'm a witch get me out of here oh yeah of course of course yes hang on hang on The Nugget It'll be I'm a witch Get me out of here Oh yeah Of course Yes

Of course Yes Hang on The Nugget Whoa Explain that one Tommy I don't know Just

I looked up the takings The other day Someone asked me The Nugget was your movie This is a movie Which is in it No it's three guys Me

Eric Banner And Curry And Stephen Curry We find a gold nugget. Anytime I go to the country, it's ten years old now, people still talk to me about, oh, you're the fat guy from the nugget. Yeah, and Bill Bennett directed it.

No, no, no, they're saying, you're a fat guy eating nuggets. Well, I remember when we went back to launch the nugget in Mudgee, where it was filmed, which is in New South Wales and the country, and it was me and Stephen Curry with Eric Banner on the back of a ute. And the local DJ was commentating the parade as we went down the main street. And he went, and here comes Eric Banner, the star, flanked by two security guards.

But the Nugget actually inspired a game that a friend of mine in Auckland plays, which is under the end credits of The Nugget, because in order to give it a bit of a helping hand with the happy ending, do you remember what happens, Dave? You're sitting in deck chairs, the camera goes up to the sky, and we hear... Oh, don't worry.

Don't worry, be happy. Be happy, that's right. And a friend of mine, we play this game with what is the worst film to put that under the end credits on. And you can't go past Shitless List. Of course, it is the best one. But we've done it. He adds it to it.

It works for Lars von Trier's Antichrist. I heard the nugget syncs up with Joe Dolce's Shut Up of Your Face if you're playing at the same time. Ah, Shut Up of Your Face. That went number one, remember that? To go back to theatre restaurants very quickly, if there's any entrepreneurs out there wanting to start up a business, you know what I reckon we're ready for out here in Australia? A local medieval times.

Oh! It is, I went when I was a little kid in Los Angeles. It is so good. What is it? It's exactly what it, you know in the cable, have you seen the cable guy? They go there in that. So it's like a theatre restaurant where you're in a big arena and each bit of the arena is like a different colour. So then you all have a knife that represents your area.

But that's kind of – isn't that what – That's Crowell Castle. Crowell Castle and Dirty Dicks combined. Yeah, Crowell Castle. Dirty Dicks was that. Crowell Castle, which is in Ballarat, Carl Chandler's almost hometown, was a medieval thing. It's still there.

It's still there. But from when I used to live in Ballarat, I had a housemate who went and worked at Cryol Castle, which, like you said, it's a medieval-themed thing. It's out of Ballarat a little bit. It's this huge couple of castles or whatever. So he went to work, and he came back like three days later and goes, yeah, I'm not working at Cryol Castle anymore.

I'm like, how come? And they're like like the last 20 people that took on this role unprepared I got severely injured in the jousting competition. And there was no training for it so people were just breaking bones non-stop. That's great. We went up

there once to film or maybe I was on tour with David Strasman clang. I was either filming a movie or I was on tour with David Strasman, clang I was either filming a movie or I was on the road with Strasman and we went for a tour and Keith Ryle came out, he's the cryo from Cryo Castle and

he created it and he gave us a tour and he's got these stuffed lions in the foyer and I'm like I'm pretty sure when I was a kid those lions were alive and he's like yeah, look what sure when I was a kid those lions were alive. And he's like, yeah, look what happened. We got a lot of grief from those bloody animal liberationists so we killed them. That would have pleased them.

We actually went there about two or three years ago and the best thing at Crowell Castle is Keith Ryle's notice board where he's got behind glass all of the articles from the local paper about him taking on the council because he hasn't got planning permission to build a dungeon or something. But when we were there, there was a giant billboard saying, next Saturday night at Crowell Castle, in excess. Yeah.

And you're going, that telemovie ended too soon. That should have gone to where they're playing Cryol. And that started a, that was probably my most successful hashtag on Twitter was In Excess at Cryol where people were just saying what the show would be. Would they open with Never Cleavers and Twain?

And what stage of In Excess' career was that? Was that post-JD Fortune? Oh, okay. So it was post-Michael. See, this is what I'm saying. Every biopic, they should have several cracks at it. There'd be a version out there where we could see how Coral Castle panned out.

But what I like about Coral Castle is, so it's been built and it's been around for a long time as some sort of, I guess, educational sort of, you know, hark back into those times. Yeah, tourist attraction. And then at one stage they went, you know what, why don't we just fill the place with kids taking pingas all night? Yeah. That's what it is now, isn't it? Yeah, they have rave parties.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And for a while it was going to be a brothel. Really? Yeah, it was going to be a brothel. Yeah, they were looking at making it a brothel. Some guy wanted to buy it and turn it into a brothel. There is no way of sneakily going out to the Crowell Castle for a root. Surely.

Like, you've got to wait for the drawbridge to come. No, the back door entrance is just behind the drawbridge. Why are you wearing that armour? Where are you going? She's still in the shops. Hey, Marion, who are you after? Yeah, there's a lot of work To swim a moat

Just to get a cheeky wristie There's a lot of work in that When you say Apparently that we're going to Turn into a brothel What's your source on this case? No you Google it You Google it

Because every time I go to Ballarat And I mention Crowell Castle Which I have to say The last time Which I think's been Talked about on this show I went to Ballarat To do a place called Brown Hill Hall

with one Lawrence Mooney. You're a much better person to recount the story because L. Mooney does not remember it. A gig that we had a lot to do with in spite of not being on the bill. Well, I had two Saturday nights with Lawrence in a row. We did a Steiner school in the country and that was an amazing gig. It was hilarious. They were all lefties and liked Lawrence and they loved Lawrence

and Lawrence had not been drinking or anything. So I picked him up from a dumb-dumb – Interesting when you have to tell a story about Lawrence and precede it with that. I picked Lawrence up the next Saturday night from a dumb-dumb podcast. Yes. At the pub. And so he'd already been drinking.

And also I was driving my way to Ballarat and I just get this random phone call, where are you? I'm like, going to Ballarat. He goes, can you pick me up? I'm like, well, thank God I'm not – I'm already there. So I pick up Lawrence and he's obviously had a few drinks at your function and we get there and the warning sign was – he was headlining, I was emceeing, Tom Seagate was the support act and the warning sign was that,

so this was a primary school parents' function and Lawrence kept saying, oh, they're going to be like the Steiner people, they're going to be like lefties. I'm like, I don't think they are going to be like that. They're conservative people living in Ballarat with kids at a school, right? And so the warning sign was the vice-principal was a very straight woman came up to me in the break and said, can you just mention I've made some homemade muffins?

Could you just announce to the parents there on the corner, on the left there? I'm like, yeah, you know, before I know it, Mooney, who hasn't been on stage yet, is on stage with Mike going, muffins, muffins, muffins. Like this. I'm like, what's he doing, Mooney? Anyway, I bring Mooney on and his opening bit is, well, number one, why Brownhill is called Brownhill. Because there was a

orgy there. This whole thing and then he went on to It sounds like the kind of rot that Dave O'Neill would say on this podcast. Who here played a whore at Cryo Castle? Who played a whore? And he was pointing people out. You'd be a good whore. I reckon you'd be a good whore

yeah but he's probably only talking about this because all the way up you're going you know Cryol Castle is a brothel now don't you but I left early

so I don't know what happened I was in Adelaide doing shows with Greg Fleet last week and everyone was talking about Mooney's latest thing is

getting people to punch him in the stomach yes and there's been quite a few severe injuries we've told you Everyone was talking about Mooney's latest thing is getting people to punch him in the stomach. Yes. Yeah. And there's been quite a few severe injuries. We've told you, we saw you the other night, Tony, at a gig, and we've told you, you know, the drunk cast, our legendary drunk cast is coming up in the Melbourne Comedy Festival. So, you know, we do four live shows during the festival, and then the last night of the festival,

it's turned into a bit of a tradition. We go and we do an unrecorded live podcast. And because it's unrecorded, it's the last night of the festival, everyone gets as drunk as possible and it turns into a very, very, very messy affair. Now, that was punctuated by many, many punches and slaps to the face from Lawrence Mooney last year. He just got very drunk and very angry and just turned that into a game of, you know. Because also he was coming from not getting the Barry. Yeah, that might have had something to do with it.

He was nominated. It was full on, but at the time it seemed like, well, this is just a one-night thing. This is just all the pent-up energy of a month's worth of comedy festival. But now it seems like it's back and it's back full-time. It's like his catchphrase. I think this year it's Lawrence Mooney and Lawrence Houdini just trying to get people to punch him as hard as they can.

He's a character. Yeah, so come in and... You know what? If you like that sort of thing, come to the drunk cast this year. I'm sure Lawrence will be dishing it out again. Instead of a kissing booth, we can line up a punching booth. That'd be great. I met him before he was a comedian.

Lawrence? Yeah, because he went to the Catholic school near my high school. He's my age. We went to the same parties and stuff.

I remember meeting him at a party and he was saying he wanted to be a comedian. And this was before you were a comedian as well?

No, I was a comedian at that stage. I'd been going only a few years when I met him. Then he said punch me.

I'm like, early moony, early moon man. I've got an update on something we talked about on the show a couple of weeks ago. Then he said, punch me. I'm like... Early Mooney. Early Moon Man. All right. Well, I've got an update on something we talked about on the show a couple of weeks ago, just as an update to you guys. Now, we're recording this in Casa del Chandler. So you can see the balcony out there.

It's nice. It's a tiny little balcony. But what happens is I get home from a gig. I don't know if you guys are the same as this. I sort of need to cool down when I get home. You've got to wind down. Decompress. Yeah, yeah.

So I generally put it. Particularly the gigs you do. I'm normally driving from Bendigo, so I have two hours to calm down. Yeah, there's plenty of time between West Wyalong and Melbourne for you to calm down. So I jump out on the balcony and just sort of chill out for an hour or so. Now, a quick version of this a couple of weeks ago. I went out there. It's like 1 o'clock in the morning.

I hear someone just – there's no one out there. There's just one person underneath the balcony going, Doctor, Dr. Ramsey. And I think that's odd because it's just the middle of the night and he's saying that. And then he just repeats it. Doctor, Dr. Ramsey. Doctor, Dr. Ramsey. Doctor, Dr. Ramsey.

And anyway, that continues for 40 minutes. That's all he says. Doctor, Dr. Ramsey. And then he sort of moved away and then he'd come back. It'd be louder and softer and whatever. And then he got in the car. I could hear him saying it in the car. Then he drove away, came back three minutes later and got out of the car and went doctor dr ramsey so i i was sitting there going i have to sit here

for all 40 minutes to find out if there's any resolution if dr ramsey appears if anything happens at all so he eventually 40 minutes i sit out there just listening to dr dr ramsey thinking this may be the last thing i ever hear like i'm probably gonna die so he eventually gets out of this car for this is like you know 20 going to die. So he eventually gets out of this car. This is like, you know, 20 to 2 in the morning or something. Gets out of the car, goes to walk up the driveway to his house, stops just in front of me and goes,

and goes, Dr. Dr. Ramsey, Dr. Dr. Ramsey. Pause. I think that was a racehorse. And then walked into his house and that was the end. So it's been a mystery for weeks as to what, if that means anything at all.

How old is he? I don't know. I think he's... Surely he's an actor and that's like his one line. Yeah. Well... He's rehearsing his one line for a neighbour. You think so?

Ramsey Street. Ramsey. He doesn't want to fuck it up. Yeah, so there's been a mystery. What is this? Lawyer Ramsey? Ah, fuck! What could it be? Yeah, I don't know. Because it's been a misdemeanor. What is this? Lawyer Ramsey? Ah, fuck. What could it be?

I don't know. Because it's not a tongue twister. Did you Google it? So it's not like... I did Google it and plenty of listeners have tweeted us and Facebooked us and texted me and whatever. This is like the little dumb-dumb version of Who Shot JR? Yes.

The text line is running hot with guesses. Yes. It must be an act of practice because it's not like a tongue twister like Red Laurie, Yellow Lolly. He's not doing that. So I thought you may have known this one, because a couple of people have hit us up to say that there was a TV show in 1973. Called Young Ramsay with John Hargraves.

Yes, so that's the closest we got. He's 35 years too late to audition for that. Is he an older gentleman? Look, you know what? To be honest, at half past one in the morning I didn't want to stand up and get a real good look I was like peering from between leaves and stuff like that, I didn't want to really You're not a busy nascar's birth certificate

Yeah, so that's all I sort of knew so I then went to I was trying to guess which car it might have been that was his, to leave a note, but then I'm thinking, well I'm really just leaving a note that says, hey, you sounded crazy the other night. You kept saying Dr. Ramsey for an hour. What's all that about?

Here's my phone number. That's the worst bit. I can't leave my number. All of a sudden, he's the second most crazy person in the story. Yeah. But also, someone that's going to say Dr. Dr. Ramsey, do I want them to have my phone number? There's enough crazy people out there with my phone number.

Well, they've already got your address. What you need to do is you've got to just lower the mic down when you're recording one of these podcasts and get him to contribute. I've been trying to figure out where this could have come from or whatever. Anyway, two nights

ago, I feel like a UFO hunter or something now. I've just gone back to the scene of crime to see if I could see the same sort of thing again. So I've been sort of sitting out there using myself as bait, hoping that somehow he gets in the mood again. Anyway, two nights ago it's happened. I hear a familiar voice. There's no sign of Dr. Dr. Ramsey. But what it is, instead of saying any of that, what his new catchphrase is, which he then decided to say over and over for the next half hour, is this is a very, very, very old printer.

And he said that for 30 minutes. This is a very, very old printer. Obviously, he nailed the Dr. Ramsey scene and they've given him a bigger character. That practice paid off. It's probably a murder mystery. It's probably the Craig McLachlan thing he's in.

It could be Dr. Blake. There's a very very old printer. I figured... Miss Fisher. You could read on that, Dave. Do that again. There's a very, very old printer. Yeah, that's good.

You've got the role of my crazy neighbour. Well done, Dave. That's the experience coming out. So maybe he's got the part of some sort of weird ill patient. Now he's upgraded to some sort of photocopier technician or something. I'd say he's drinking a lot. I would say that too. Is he one of the neighbours that complains about the noise from up here?

No, he's not. It's similar to those guys in America which was pre-internet where they taped their neighbours saying you stupid little man. Remember that time? Have you seen that documentary? And it became this cult thing. Cassettes. People would swap cassettes. And he would just tape his neighbours because the neighbours were these

two guys, alcoholics that lived with each other and they used to fight at night but it was quite amusing. I've just thought of a lead. I've just thought of a way I can find out about this because today... You just need to have this pop into your head now. You fucking live above him. We can go down there right now.

I'll go down there. Knock on this guy's door and ask him. Do you really want to do that? Yes. I was in the nugget. I'll go down and just say is Dr Ramsey here? It's just going to be a guy with a hacksaw and blood all over an apron. That's it, because I'm going to be saying, oh, I was up on that balcony,

and I was listening, and you'll be like, yeah, you were up on that balcony. That's where you live. Very interesting. So you guys get to drive away. I have to give my address. She's got a girlfriend.

What's the new catchphrase again? This is a very, very old printer. It's lost me, I've got to say. I like it. I like what it's saying, but it's just not snappy enough. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a mouthful. It's not these pretzels are making me feel.

Exactly. I went to one of the, not to make the tone too serious, I went to one of the refugee rallies the other day, and the guy running it was trying to start a chant that was a lot of let them stay. Just easy to yell that again and again. And he tried to start one up that was, hey, Turnbull, we're talking to you.

Close Manus, close Nauru. And he does it and he goes, so let's all go. And the whole crowd's like, hey, Malcolm Turnbull, we're your talk. Like it took like a minute and then he was just like, ah, let's not worry about it. Before long, that's just going to deteriorate to no way, get fucked. Yes, exactly.

So I just thought of this lead. I went to the post office this morning, right? So I go to the post office a lot to send out the – a lot of people order our T-shirts and we've got the new hoodies out. So I've been – as you can can see we're surrounded by hoodies and t-shirts in this house we are your friend must be wrapped

you've got the Dave O'Neill hay poofs pyjamas they're really cheap hay poofs pillows the little bum flap at the back of the pyjamas is very apt

hey guys listeners if you demand it we'll make it what do you reckon Dave we cut you in at 50-50? Sure, no, donate my money to the refugees or something, I don't care There's the Lawrence Mooney next stop, Browntown Tracks of Pets, Brownhill Hall

Imagine handing that cheque over to the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre So where did this money come from? Probably best that we don't get into it Some sort of homophobic slur We got it from the Dave O'Ne best that we don't get into it. Some sort of homophobic slur there. We got it from the Dave O'Neill flashlight. I don't need to know about that. So I go to the post office.

I'm a regular face up there, but I sort of assume that people don't remember because a million people go in that post office. Of course. So I, it's a husband and wife team up there, an Asian older couple. I'm always seeing the lady there. Anyway, the guy's there. The guy's always a lot more inquisitive than the lady. The lady always pretends she doesn't know me. So the guy is always like – gives it a bit extra.

He's like, oh, you're posting this and who's this person you're posting it to? And I'm like, I don't know if I need to give that out and I don't really know anyway. So anyway, he always wants to know and he's like, all right, you're posting this. It's 12 o'clock. So what are you doing now? Like what's on now? Like what do you do now? He wants out of the marriage.

Yeah, yeah, he's very keen. The Sandra girl you're posting is too. She sounds hot. Where does she live? Oh, hang on, I've got that. Is she single? He needs a podcast. Yes.

So I went up there today. And so today was the most inquisitive he's ever been. So I got up there today, and so today was the most inquisitive he's ever been. So I got up there today, and he goes, right, so you live down there in Riversdale Road, don't you? You live on that corner in that apartment block that's got about 30 people or so in it, 30 flats. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, yeah, yeah, just near Through Street. I'm like, yeah. Just up from the Dr. Ramsey guy?

Yes, yes. But he says, he then says, right, right, so that guy, that taxi driver that lives there. I went, oh. I said, I don't know anything about a taxi driver. I said, I don't know anyone that lives here. I stay away from everywhere. I get complaints from a lot of people, so I don't talk to anyone in this apartment building. And then he goes, no, the taxi driver that drives the Holden. The driver's the Holden. And I said, well, I don't know the anyone in this apartment building. And then he goes, now the taxi driver that drives the Holden.

The driver of the Holden. And I said, well, I don't know the guy that drives any Holdens. He goes, oh, well, the big grey car. And I said, oh, that Ford. I do know the guy. He goes, he's very ill. I think he's a bit sick. I said, oh, I actually,

I think that's the only guy that I would recognise, actually. I do know who that is. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he dead or what? What? I don't know. And he goes, well, yeah, yeah. Is he dead or what? What? I don't know. And he goes, well, he hasn't been in here for two weeks. Well, is that the number one thing you go to?

Aren't you not meant to do this as a postie? Aren't you meant to not disclose things about people or something? Surely that's a rule. Well, I don't know. But he's also the guy that I've told the story on this podcast before. That's the one guy that someone else in this apartment block tried to break into his car because they had some sort of idea in the middle of the night

that he had hostages in the back of his boot. And so then he caught that person trying to break into his car and went, what are you doing? And that person went, I'm sorry, I didn't know what I was thinking. And the guy goes that's okay my my daughter is mentally ill as well okay cool so anyway the guy at the post office then says i don't know is he dead what's going on is he dead or what and i said look i don't know what's going on and he goes yeah yeah that woman that worked that works at the apartment block as well

she's a real bitch what What's going on with her? And I'm like, where's this all coming from? It's like Melrose Place here. Yeah, yes. Very up-to-date reference. I said, well, that's the secret life of Chandler. I said, well, you're actually, look, you seem to know more about this apartment block than I do.

And he goes, don't worry, mate, I know everything about that apartment block. What? Yeah. He goes, people come in here and they tell me everything that's going on. He's like in Sliver with all the screens. Yes. Even older reference.

Tom, Billy Baldwin. If anyone knows anything about this Dr. Ramsey guy, it's got to be this guy. Yeah, that's right. Ask him. Maybe that's the cab driver he's talking about. No, the cab driver lives over there. This guy lives there. Right.

Yeah. Our post office used to be run by Cal Gley. I think it was Cal Gley. He was a former police commissioner. Yes. With the fringe. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so he left. I looked him up because I thought, why is he running the post office? And he left. He resigned after corruption accusations. Right. Yeah, yeah. And it was funny because Chopper Reid used to live near there and he'd come into the post office.

Oh, wow. There'd be Chop Chop and then Kel Glyre. Wow. Kel Glyre. Such a good name. Well, we can sizzle this up for, hey, if you want to hear the end of this Dr Ramsey story, order some T-shirts.

So Chandler's got a reason to go down to the post office and ask him. Please, mate. Well, talking of you being in the post office, I've been sitting on this for a little while. I recently did an ad for Australia Post. I was in an ad playing a postie in a safety ad for them. And the ad was me in full postie gear, wrapped in about six layers of bubble wrap, riding

a bike down the street. And the whole thing is like, a car nearly hits me. And the whole idea of the ad is like, hey, we can't wrap our posties in bubble wrap. So be a bit more careful when you're out there on the roads. Because, like, two of them died last year. It's like a really unsafe job. So then they get you to do the exact same thing that they did when they were dying.

This is it. So I go out there and I'm like, yeah, this will be fun. A friend got me onto it. I go in and I'm in, like, wrapped in bubble wrap. It's a really hot day and I'm riding my bike up and down the street for about an hour. I'm caked in sweat. I'm starting to, like wrapped in bubble wrap. It's a really hot day and I'm riding my bike up and down the street for about an hour. I'm caked in sweat. I'm starting to like get real dizzy.

Like it's really full on. They have a guy on set who works for the post office who was there to make sure that everything looked regulation. Was it good money? It was all right money. It was, yeah. Fair question. To make it look like it was regulation, you were covered in bubble wrap.

Yeah, I know wrap But this is it So after an hour of me doing that Suddenly someone goes Wasn't there talk of there being like a flap on the back of the hat And he goes oh yeah You're going to have to do all that again So all of a sudden It's another hour of me just like doing laps

And just like I can feel myself I'm just like under the bubble wrap I'm just caked. Like I'm fully drenched in sweat. So finally it gets to lunchtime and they go, all right, midday, lunch everyone. Everyone just fucks off and just leaves me. I can't get on or off the bike by myself because I've got no mobility

in my legs. And I'm like, hey, can someone come and just like get me off the bike and cut me out? So these two guys come over with knives and start like slicing me out of the bubble wrap and it's just like – and then they're just standing there just going, oh, wow, he stinks. Wow, this guy is rotten under there. Real good for the old self-esteem.

A really great day. And then so we film the bit where – I don't know if you've ever had a thing like this, Tony or Dave, where you've been asked to do something and it's like there's a bit of – it seems like there's a bit of almost like a stunt or something involved in the script. Yeah. And you think, I wonder how they're going to portray that. Well, the answer with this is just have me actually almost get hit by a car.

Right. Yeah. I had to ride along and I had an assistant or someone from working on the set to back the car out of a driveway and so I had to like ride up to it and sort of stop just in time. And they kept making me do it again. Cause they're like, no,

but you're like, you're breaking too early. Like it's obvious. It's not dangerous enough. And the director actually goes, it's my car, mate. I don't care if you hit it,

just go full pelt. That was your concern. Like, well, I care a little bit about that. So yeah, finally we get the whole thing done. It was one of those things where like ads are generally paid. You're being paid by the fact that you're being used to advertise something.

So the money I was like, this is actually good money for an ad. By the end of the day in the amount of like the amount that I sweated and the danger I did to myself, I was like, oh, that pretty much came in at the amount of effort that I put in, almost underpaid if anything. Was it good money? Was it actually good money? It was like it was pretty much Came in at the amount Of effort that I put in Almost underpaid If anything And was it good money Was it actually good money

It was like It was fine It was for an online Only thing Five figures Not five figures Was it four figures Not four figures

Whoa I'm going to say It's not good money then Yeah Well That's not good money Non-speaking And for YouTube only

Under a grand That's not good money Yeah Well anyway I did the Devondale Butter ad Where I played Stan Oliver. And Alan Pentland played Stan Lauer and I played Oliver Hardy. So we were Lauer and Hardy for this Butter Ad.

Is this online? I don't know. They did a series of them and they were filming them all in one day. And I got more money than that. This was years ago. And so I looked exactly like the fat guy from Lauren Hardy

because in the movie it's going to be John C. Reilly I reckon you look more like Oliver Hardy than John C. Reilly yeah definitely and so

but again we had this quite elaborate stunt where they hadn't worked out how they were going to do it I had to pull no he had to pull the towel from me

and I had to bang my head on the butter or something like that and then the next ad they were going to do, it was in a studio in Richmond near the old Coles there, and he goes, we've got the Devondale cow turning up and the cow's going to do the next ad.

And so you'd go out to have a break and there'd be this cow standing there with like a farmer dude hanging on to it. And then the farmer would go, the cow's getting antsy. You guys are going to hurry up. The Devondale cow will not wait because it's beautiful looking cow that they use in all of its ads but the cow was starting to get shitty and starting to like try and push things over it wasn't it wasn't the sunrise cash cow but you've never done any ads have you tony i did one when when i was 17 i was I worked at an ad agency working in the darkroom,

and I did an ad where I had to wear a white suit and wear a welder's mask, and it was the same thing. It was like I had to open a huge furnace and giant flames blasted in my face. I'm going, well, this welding mask is not covering my entire body, so I just took it off and I was wearing a white suit that was just completely black and singed well this is the second thing i've done now that's involved me in a large oversized costume where no thought has been put into the logistics of moving around so like twice this has happened now where i'll get you get the full thing put on and they're like anyway just uh come through this doorway now and you're like i can't i actually

can't get through there and they're like oh, check out the fucking diva over here. All right, your majesty, we'll cut you out of the bubble wrap so you can get through the door. But anyway, the end of the story with the Australia Post ad is, so we film it. It goes online like a month later. And remember the whole thing is like about, you know, being vigilant of, you know, safety of posties when you're on the road.

It goes online. Two days after it goes online, I almost run over a postie in my car. He goes crazy. I've got my window down. He starts going ballistic at me, just a bit of like, watch where you're going you fucking idiot. And I'm like, yeah, mate, I know. I'm on the same page. I'm the guy, man. You're going, where's

your bubble wrap? Yeah, exactly. Boy, you stink, mate. That hat is not regulation, let me tell you that much. Surely in the heyday of Mark Malloy, they tried to get you to do ads? They tried to get... They wanted us to... The two times we got offered lots of money to do ads was Barjass. They wanted Barjass to be an ad for a beer.

So from Late Show. Which, to be fair, is not you. No. It's Lucky Grills being re-voiced by you. With the actual bar, just in order to be allowed to do it,

all the money we made actually went to the original actors. Right. So there was that. And then they wanted me to be, to do Tum and Ful

as the voice. They were going to try and launch Stein Lager, which is a New Zealand beer in Australia. They wanted Tum and Ful to be there. Would I be right in presuming that you get mistaken a lot for people

who are in ads? Well, yeah, the mainly cartoon characters, the guy from the Computers for Dummies ad generally, there was an animated stop-motion guy for Amy or something, and people were saying, is that based on you? But I just remember with those bar jars and Tom and Phil, firstly, I was making good money on the radio, so I could afford to say no now I'm going, what was I thinking?

But I just remember when Spinal Tap did an ad for like Finder's fish fingers or something, and I just went, oh, you lost respect or something. But isn't that a thing where, and you would know this of all people, isn't there some sort of deal with Spinal Tap where if they don't do something every two years, they lose their rights? They have to be Spinal Tap every two years or they lose the rights to be their characters because the rights to the characters are owned by the people who made the film, not by them. And then the studio can just put together a whatever.

A new Spinal Tap. That's right, yeah. So maybe that's the excuse. Reboot Spinal Tap with all girls in the band. Oh, no. Or like that fake Fleetwood Mac that were going around at one point when they relaunched themselves and their old manager still had the rights to the name.

So he just got a bunch of session musicians and sent them out on the road. Just them supporting the Deltones up in the Gold Coast. Me and Fleety did a show at the Rhino Room last Saturday in Adelaide and we had to finish early because coming on after us was a Spinal Tap tribute band called Spinal Top. Not a lot of thinking gone into that. And Fleety was furious because he's going,

but it's already a send up So they're doing A send up of a send up That doesn't work And were they supporting Crazy Al Yankovic What I like is Just backstage There were so many

Cut rate versions Of the jokes From Spiral Tap So they were just like Stonehenge The pods There was just Three wire frames With toilet paper stretched across them.

They were obviously going to burst through. Because he's right. The pods already don't work in the film. Wow. That's weird. So you were in Adelaide with Fleety for a week. Oh, yeah. You went on tour because you are, you know,

I reckon the whole time that I've been doing stand-up, I'd never seen you for like eight, nine years. So now you are back with a vengeance. You are doing a lot of gigs now. So you went to Adelaide for a whole week. With Fleety. With Greg Fleet. And we all stayed at Craig Egan's house.

So Fleety was not out of anyone's sight for five days and five nights. I think I can say he's off the gear. And he had a suntan. I've never seen that before. And he's got a new girlfriend. It's all going well. He's a famous author. But he always managed to be a fat junkie. So it was always hard to know

what he was doing. This is the sharpest I've seen the eyes. The brain's working back at 1989 speeds. It's like, I don't want to go too early and say that maybe it's all behind him. Well, we'll see. Yeah, it's another new don't want to go too early and say that maybe it's all behind him well we'll see yeah it's another new dawn for Greg Fleet

but he did pop into Spleen a couple of weeks ago and it was very impressive because he was exactly what you said he was really on it he was really clear in the eyes and he was backstage he was the funniest he'd been forever he was being really funny backstage and he's like I just want to hop up and do two minutes I've got this idea I thought of on the way here

I just want to hop up and do two minutes at the top of the show I thought of on the way here. I just want to hop up and do two minutes at the top of the show. And we're like, please, you're the funniest man in this room by ten times. This is going to be amazing. So we all crowd out there and he gets out there first on the bill and comes out and goes, So, everyone, I read this article today in the paper. There was a woman in St Kilda who put out a complaint in the newspaper, wrote a letter and said, there are possums in my backyard and I want to make sure that they get killed

because they're annoying me. Well, get fucked, you dumb bitch. That's it. What? Well, guys. Guys. I was like, what an arsehole. Are you with me?

You with me, guys? Well, anyway, I was like, what an arsehole. Are you with me? You with me, guys? Well, anyway, I was like, get fucked. Anyway, I'm being Greg Fleet. All right, see you guys. I'm like, what, you were working on something on the way here? That wasn't working on anything. You were just insulting a woman in the paper. From what Tony was saying about his catalogue of Fleet as a single man,

it's the having a girlfriend thing that really kind of gets to me. He's always attracted women, though. He used to be quite handsome, didn't he? In the 80s, it was... I've got to get on the smack. It was Greg Fleet and Mark Neal.

They were the two... He was handsome. Who are the handsome comedians of today? Oh, there's heaps. Who are the... Free Barn. Tommy Little, Dave Thornton. Oh, yeah, Dave Thornton.

Yeah, Tommy... Tommy Dasolo. Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it. Yeah, no, there's too many good-looking comedians. Yeah, and good-looking. Too many. Get rid of them.

Yes. You hear that, Josh Earl? Fuck off. Yeah, he's good-looking. Please. I've You hear that, Josh L? Fuck off. Yeah, he's good looking. Please. I've got to go. I've got my kids. All right.

I reckon that's just as good a point as any to wrap up this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Dave O'Neill, Tony Martin, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. We're performing in Darwin in a few weeks' time. Just Google it. We're there on a Saturday night. Tony and myself.

Great. We are. And bring along your nugget merch. Oh, yes. day night with Tony and myself. Great. We are and bring along your nugget merch. Whenever we record a podcast here at Chandler House, when I grew up, Chandler House was the poshest shop on the North Island of New Zealand.

I always think of that phrase. Always like to grab without looking. Just grab a DVD from the shelf. None of the DVDs. Oh, yep, yep. Without looking. Just grab a DVD from the shelf. None of the DVDs. Here we go. This is good.

None of the DVDs are mine. Oh, my God. Is Katy Perry the movie part of me? Stitched him up a beauty. What is going on, Carl? None of those DVDs are mine. None of them are mine. You could have grabbed...

I don't... Eat, pray, love. That's bad even for my girlfriend. Katy Perry's the movie. What about this? Would your girlfriend notice a depletion of inventory because what if we say this any t-shirts that you order in the next week

no they're going to have a Chandler girlfriend DVD so you can get rid of them someone could have bride wars I think you said this last time she is one of those people that buys DVDs at the supermarket yes exactly

all of those are at the supermarket. Despicable me. Are you kidding me? You haven't got kids. You haven't got kids. She's not picky. Is this a sign? She's stocking up on the kids movies. She's not picky at all. Have a look. I prefer Megamind. I like how it stands out there. She's a massive fan. She's become a massive fan of Rocky Balboa

the movie. Really? That's weird. She's watched it like five times. Really? Yeah. In between The Holiday and Grace of Monaco is Rocky Balboa right there. So it's a very odd selection. She's getting ready to beat the shit out of you if you don't pull that one out sometime soon. Oh, God.

All right. You guys have that gig in Darwin. You're both not doing the comedy festival. No. No. I'm writing a book. Stay tuned. All right.

It's Twilight fan fiction. And I have a number of floundering projects that I'm not willing to talk about at this point. Right. And you've still got your book online as well? Yes. Scarcely Relevant is less relevant than ever as the years pass, but it is still available for only $6 via TonyMartinThings.com.

Yep. Lovely. And so, Dave O'Neill, you've got the comedy funhouse in Fairfield? Not really Okay I played a comedy, Dave O'Neill's comedy funhouse in Castlemaine They're spreading like mosques Yes And that's why we stopped

Because of that gig Where they had the prison staff next door having a Christmas party To us Was it just like in-N-Out coming to Sydney or just people lined up to get that comedy in Castle Mayne? No. All right, guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. Yeah, see you, poofs.