The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 280 - Live! Lawrence Mooney, Tommy Little, Tom Ballard & Fiona O'Loughlin

Episode Date: February 16, 2016

Soggy Gelati, Slapping and A Mysterious Package.Recorded LIVE at The Rhino Room in Adelaide on February 13, 2016. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Yalla Chocolate Mousse. Mmm, delicious. Carl, can you get Yalla Chocolate Mousse in Brisbane? I believe you can. We've had many people point it out. However, you can't get it a block from my house. So, good for you, Brisbane. Enjoy it.

In your opinion, what would be the best date in Brisbane to eat some chocolate mousse? Oh, I'll field this one. It would be March 20 because we're going to be up there for a live podcast. We're going to be up there for two live podcasts at 1.30pm and 3pm, then a live stand-up show, 30 minutes each of me and you, Tommy. That's going to be really good. We've also then got, where do we go from there? We go to Melbourne, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. One week later, we're back hometown Melbourne. We're doing four live Sunday afternoon, 3pm

podcasts, European Beer Cafe, four of them. You can get a season pass at our website. You can go to all of them. I forgot what it was called. That internet thing. At our internet hole. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. You can get season passes. You can get individual tickets.

Any of those is going to get you into the drunk cast on the final night of the festival, April 17. And then a separate thing is my birthday show, which is on March 30, Wednesday night at 11pm after all the other Comedy Festival shows. You get to come and see that. It's going to be quite a spectacle. Yes, what else have we got to plug?

The Patreon at patreon.com slash littledunlunclub. Heaps of people chipping in. Thank you so much. We've just sent out issue two of Hey Mates, the newsletter. This one is the Mad Magazine themed one, and it looks so good. Oh, and by the way, if anyone's complaining, we do get a few complaints that there is an ad.

Sorry, guys, for trying to make a little bit of money off our weird free radio fake show. Yeah, we're literally recording this in an alleyway, so we're doing well. Security just tried to move us on. So for all the complaints we get, we still get hit up by people saying, so are you guys doing anything for Comedy Festival this year?

So that literally does happen. Where do I get tickets from? How do I get tickets? If only we mentioned it on the one thing we put out. Hey, this is pretty good. You guys should do this live sometime. So we've got that. We've also got our solo shows are on sale. Mine's at 8.45 every night. You are at

9.45. That's all in Melbourne. We're there for the whole month. We're there for like 23 shows or something, so plenty of time for interstate people to come down and have a look. On top of that, well, you know, if you're thinking about going to a live episode, you're about to hear one. You're about to hear a lot of...

You're about to hear pretty much all of what was recorded except for some dirty stuff that we edited out near the end. And the first maybe... This just starts without an intro because guess what button wasn't hammered before we came on stage oh well you know when you get a tech guy when you pay good money for a tech guy at the very least you expect him to hit record within the first three minutes so we just about got there so this this episode starts with me saying are you recording to which he replied yeah which i now

know to mean as of two seconds ago as of the start of you saying that sentence i'm recording so you missed out on some sweet, sweet content in that first minute or two where one of us said, hey mates, and the other one said, g'day dickhead. And that'll never happen again, so I'm sorry that's lost. You'll never know how good it was. Alright guys, enjoy this episode from Adelaide and we'll see you out there. See you mates.

I feel like that wasn't our decision, it was the sound guy's decision. Like, I'm fucking sick of waiting for these idiots. Let's just hit the theme music and get them up there. Hey, are we recording? Did you hit record on that thing? We're on? Good. You've got to check, you know, you never know. One of these days. Yeah, everything in Adelaide usually goes right.

Did we just get the light to wind up? Alright, this is fantastic stuff. I think I'm going to do this very early on. I think I need to talk about this very early on. So I got a text message this week from someone, from a listener, from someone who's very aware of the show. And in true form of people that listen to this show,

they were saying they didn't want to pay to come in. No, it was a listener, Beth, who is here somewhere. Beth Loveday. And she was saying how she'd been to every show, every Adelaide show, but unfortunately, sadly, she didn't have the money to come this time. So she started asking me, look, I don't have the money. I'd love to go.

I'd love to go. What about if I, how about if I give you, like I've got some of your old merch. I've got your shirts. How about if I give some of like I've got some of your old merch, I've got your shirts, how about if I give some of them back in exchange to come in? I've fucking got enough of that shit in my house. She's trying to Ronnie Chang us. Just give us shit to give out on the podcast.

We don't want that shit. If you watch the end of these gigs, we are trying to get rid of that shit. So anyway, we went back and forth and then she said, she came across the very good idea of saying, well, look, I don't have a lot of money, but you know what? I do work at a

gelati shop. What if I just bring a ton of gelati? Can I get in for free? And I said, absolutely. So now she is in and I don't know if this is the greatest idea in the world. I said, can you put it in the fridge? And she said, no, I'll just put it on stage It is pretty cold up here to be fair

The air conditioning is on Fuckin' hell Whoa And under those cooling spotlights Shit, this should be fine What in the fuck? Oh my god Oh, this doesn't look good.

Oh, shit. All right. Is it in a cardboard box? I hope that that's started to melt because if not, that is fucking brutal. Beth's done some dodgy shit on the way here. What is... Oh.

What's... You've got an esky of ice cream. Is this what this is? Yes, it's what you asked her to bring, you fucking idiot. That's exactly what you asked for. Oh. Okay.

I wish I'd asked for those fucking T-shirts now. Why do we find it so hard to sell tickets in Adelaide? Charging people to stand up here and just, not even eat it, just look at a tub of ice cream. You go, fuck, that's pretty weird, isn't it? Anyway, what else is going on? Can we get someone up the back to grab this and put it in the fridge so we can enjoy the ice cream at the end of the show?

Is there an M whippy in the house that we could gift this on to? Can we, one of the comics at the back is someone, yes. Little boy, we could gift this on to? Can we... One of the comics at the back is someone... Yes. Little Boy. Can you grab this? Here we go. Yeah.

Here we go. Do we now need to change our theme music to... Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d Step all over it. Just step all over it. This is a very dangerous precedent. Now people are going to be rocking up with pedal pops going, can we just come in? Hey, I'm going to say, Bubba Lo Bill, you get two seats to yourself if you're rocking up with that high ticket item. Maxi Bon a whole row. Vianetta, you can sit up here.

I, on the way here, when I first landed in Adelaide this morning, I got a text from my dad that said... My dad texts a lot. I got a text from my dad that said... It started like this. Hi, Tom. It's me, Dad. You wouldn't have had his number saved, would you? Yeah, no, not at all.

Thanks, thank you, guys. Thanks, Adelaide, for coming down. Thanks, you're always... Thank you for booking in the last two days. It's always great two weeks out going, oh, we've got three people coming. Good. Should we go to Adelaide or kill ourselves? Or both?

Well, I've got some news for you. The word of the podcast, it's getting out there. We're getting out there in ways that I think you and I are not totally aware of yet. I found this out the other night. I did a gig and there was a guy on at the gig and he was like, oh, I listen to the podcast. And also, I'm doing this radio training course and they play your podcast in the radio training course.

I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, we listen to it. I'm like, why? Like, what, you know, in what context are you listening to it? And he said, like, our teacher will sometimes say to us, like, if we're sounding too commercial and too slick, like, he'll come in and go, you're sounding too commercial, you're sounding too commercial radio, listen to these guys, right? Listen to how laid back and off the cuff

and natural these guys are. Listen to them look at ice cream on their show. Listen to how they don't have jobs in commercial radio. Anyway, 70 grand for this course, thanks. So we're the what not to do in the radio course. No, but we are.

We're the to do. They're being urged. But it's a radio course. Yeah. Why is anyone saying don't be too good at your job? I know. Maybe it's like, this is good for us, though, because it's like all these kids starting to do radio

that could eventually take the jobs that, I mean, we get but it's nice it's nice to imagine that we might one day be able to get one of them the next generation of radio djs are going to see us one day go oh we heard about you yeah it's good stuff they should get us in for a lecture and like we just stand there and do what we do and the teachers at the back going see just fucking avoid that don't don't be like that that one's drunk because he hasn't had dinner. That one had to borrow his taxi fare here off his mum. Just fucking avoid this at all costs. Hang on, which was which?

All right. Well, hey, we've got heaps of guests. Do you want to get... Let's get some sweet guests up here already. Yeah, should we get our first guest up here? We've got some sweet stuff that I reckon the guests are going to very much enjoy being a part of. Guys, let's get our first guest out here. Who the fuck's ringing me?

Is there someone? Hang on, here we go. Get them in. Here we go. Hello, Carl speaking. Hello, Carl. This is Shelley. Hi, Shelley.

We've got two girls in wheelchairs and we need four more men to get us to the podcast. Okay. I think you have the wrong number. Are you downstairs? Yeah, you know me. Come on. Yeah, gee, I wish I had a screen this call. When content goes wrong. Well, not only are we busy doing a podcast,

we're also not strong men, so I'm going to allocate someone else to come down if that's cool. Excellent. All right. Demi, get down there. All right, we'll see you very soon. I've got to get back to the ice cream. See ya.

So, wait. Wow, I thought that was going to be funny. Just to be clear, we're now at a point where we're lampooning someone in a wheelchair who can't get up the stairs to our gig. Is that what's happening up here? No, no, no. I just answered a phone call. Guys, we've got a few minutes until she gets up here.

Let's fucking tee off. Come on, what have you got? What have you got on the top of the dome? Let's go. Too good for too long. Just... Let's just give them the ice cream and get them to go away. Just...

Because they all love ice cream. I like to create stereotypes. Oh, this is sick. I think she's a little bit... I think she's a little bit... No, dude... And I also understand I was just talking into the beer. This is sick.

Baskin-Robbins doesn't have ramps. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, you know our first guest is the host of Dirty Laundry Live. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Lawrence Moody! I love a good showbiz hug because it's like, we just talked to each other like two minutes ago, but yeah, sure.

This is showbiz. Yeah. Get to hug and touch. You're really keeping some distance over there. Did you hear what we were saying just before you went on? No, because I was in the dunny. And I could hear a lot of laughter and I thought, that's my intro. So wipe and go.

Here I am. Moon, last time you... I didn't want to shit my pants as per usual, so... I thought I'd use one of your fancy toilets, South Australia. You're one of the few people that can do that and go, oh, sweet callback to... To forever. Yeah. I like that you're proud of that, like doing a callback,

like when I shit my pants a couple of years ago, people were like, yay! You shit your pants in our town. Yeah. Imagine if podcasts had never been invented and you just had to live with that story in your own head. I wish they had never been invented. There's too many to listen to.

We had some feedback. We talked about this last week, about the infamous gig that you did a little while back in Ballarat when you did the... Brown Hill. Yeah, in Brown Hill where you had maybe one million of those little bottles. At your

live podcast first and then I thought I'd go and entertain the teachers of Ballarat by screaming out to the audience Who's the whores in here? Which women here were whores at Cryo Castle, which is kind of like a medieval theme park.

And women put their hands up. I was. I sucked medieval cock for cash. I blew a syphilitic night after a jousting session. So we're talking about that. So that was to school teachers, wasn't it? No, it was a school. A school gig, yeah.

And they won't be having comedy this year. The principal said to Tom Seagate, yeah, it's good. I think we might go with the trivia next year. We got a bit of feedback this week. So Dave O'Neill was talking about it on Twitter, and he said someone that was one of the people that organised the gig, that gig, said, you know, it was funny.

And Dave O'Neill said, oh, we need the Moon Man to return. This guy, Troy, said, as a member of the school council, I don't think I can get that across the line. Dave said, what was the overall feedback? Troy said, Dave O'Neill was great. We were talking last time you were on the podcast about you were saying that the slapping is back, that you fighting people after gigs is back. The slapping, I don't think the full extent of the slapping was back when I spoke to you last. Yes.

I slapped, started the slapping again in Perth. Yes. And slapped Nick Capper quite hard across his stupid red furry country boy head because it's just like, why wouldn't you? And it was hard.

And he hadn't been informed as to the rules of the game. Let's talk us through the rules of the game of slapping people in the face. You slap them as hard as you can, and then it's reciprocal. So it's controlled violence. It's very exhilarating. It's a lot of fun. And violence has had a bad name. Hang on. So this is the first rule of dumb cunt club. Violence has, you know, had some bad press of recent times. It's not great

in its domestic form. When it's random, it's not great. When it's excessive. But when it's controlled violence and you get to feel what it's like to actually be smacked across the head and know that it's a safe place, it's fucking awesome because you feel alive. And then you do it to something... But do many of these other people that you're slapping know that it's a game or there's a safe place happening? I mean, the basic rules are you can't make, you've got to avoid contact with the eye because

you can detach a retina and the ear because you'll puncture an eardrum. But the rest of the face is open slather. And also you find out about who you are as a person. Can you go through with it? Can you lay one on someone or do you think, no, you just can't. So it's revealing of character. And it's a lot of fun. So anyway, there's a few

people who are right into it. Ben Russell's one of them. He loves it. So Nick Capper turns up at this thing where you are. You give him the slap. He doesn't know the rules. He doesn't know that this is a game. And he punches me very hard in the face. Now hang on. Is that part of the game?

Of course it is. The rules for me are reciprocal violence. So I'm like fuck Kappa. It's a game. He goes I wasn't playing. And then I ended up with quite a black eye. When you punch someone in the face there's a fine line between playing the game and not

playing the game. Well he didn't the game and not playing the game. Well, he didn't know that he was playing the game, so he was just reacting. Well, what's the difference between hitting someone in the head and hitting someone in the head within the game? Well, a clenched fist is different to a slap. Okay, all right. Yeah, I mean, that's different. That's just violence, yeah.

Well, no, it's all violence. Oh, no, I was aware. Yeah. This just feels like a fucked-up forum that we're holding on street violence and alcoholism. Well, straight to say, if there's a noun or an adjective before violence, it's often bad violence. You just want the pure distilled shit. Just violent, yeah.

Let's be violent to each other. So you did that, you were over in Perth during the Perth Fringe Festival, you were doing it over there. I wasn't. Are you now, you've workshopped it there, are you now bringing it over to the Adelaide Fringe to kind of hone it a bit further before Melbourne? Look, um. Are you decking random cunts in the garden?

Clipsil's going to be a big weekend for you, I reckon. be a big weekend for you, I reckon. I've actually got a slap-happy tent at Clipsaw. Bogans would really get into it. Yes. You mean would. I think they've been doing the good work for a long time now. They love it. They're way ahead of you. This is their slappy

drink. Slappy juice. Slappy juice. Slappy juice, yeah. All right, let's get a second guest up. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Lawrence Mooney, everyone. It's great to be here. You will know our next guest from the project. Please go crazy and welcome Tommy Little.

Yeah. little! Yeah! It's very nice to be here at what is clearly a men's help group. It sounds a little bit black shirt, doesn't it? Like those guys that stand outside the family court and vilify

women. Yeah, she's taking me bucking house and me kid. I don't advocate violence, per se, unless it's reciprocal. Fucking boo. I've been on the end of quite a... Are we? Is your mic...

Can we get a little... Can we have... No biggie. Can we have all the mics on? Fuck, you've gone diva, haven't you? Fucking the demands. We're going to need a bucket of water that nobody's going to drink. We need some fucking soggy gelati. Yeah. What a fucking token bucket that is.

It's like, sorry, that's not being touched. Yeah. Soggy gelati was my favourite game at high school, by the way. Yeah. But anyway... Because you couldn't tell where the gelati was my favourite game at high school, by the way. But anyway... Because you couldn't tell where the gelati stopped and started. That's what I really like. It's good to play with it.

That's vanilla. That's not vanilla. It's vanilla bean and there's more of the bean, to be honest. Oh, God. Pistachio and alfalfa. Mmm, my favourite. Alfalfa is Mmm, my favourite. Alfalfa. Alfalfa is a strange one. I remember our English teacher told us,

we were reading some fucking book, and he went, oh, now you... Hang on, Tommy Little School Days, we were reading some fucking book. Like it was an affront to your... You know. Your idea of right and wrong. You're making me worry. I'm trying to get a wristy up the back and she's trying to make me worry.

So I was in the library, lifting all the books, doing plenty of reps with the books, going, oi, cunts, you got any heavier books? Pass us the jacarandia, slut. I think the girls in the wheelchairs are trying to get downstairs after all this. That's easy, I guess. Of the options when it comes to stairs. Wow. I have one word for that call you just made.

Dental! when it comes to stairs. Wow. I have one word for that call you just made. That's a thing we say. Does Sharky know that that's so rampant? I don't think these people even know what it is. It's like Sharky has died because his comedy is being celebrated in absence. Please, Sharky was a friend of ours. He wasn't a friend of ours. Pete Sharkey was a friend of ours. Yeah, but you give up comedy, you're dead to us.

So, you know, you take on your 40-an-hour-a-week job, you soft cock. Enjoy your money and stability, you piece of shit. I bet you've got happiness and balance in your life. You know what else I reckon he's doing? Probably drinking water. What does that got to do? His gelati's probably cold. And not covered in cum, the fucking loser.

Oh, God. He's so above eating cum these days. Get out of the arts and all of a sudden, la-di-da, you're not eating cum anymore. Yeah. Oh, I've found another way to pay the bills. Get out! They don't serve spoof down the mines, do they?

Oh, well, fuck it. Where real men hang out. Hey, guys, when you eat your own cum, do you... Oh. Yeah, let's go and get some gold out of the mines. That was literally... I literally went on a footy club trip once and we got on the bus to come home

and it was like a three-hour drive and within ten minutes, one of the guys up the back of the bus goes, you know that thing when you come and you taste it? And we said, hold our calls. We've got a lot to talk about for three hours on the way home. Okay. You know I was that guy. You know that was our last footy trip.

You learn at a very young age, don't you, to never start a phrase with, hey guys, you know when you made that mistake once in your life and never again. I was working at a very reputable smoothie chain. I don't want to brag too much.

And we had our Christmas party. Is there more than one? Hey, guys, you know when you jack off into the Vitamizer? Guys? Which supplement do you want in your drink? Doesn't matter what you say here. Yeah, it's vitamin. You see Tommy from the shoulders up behind the counter is going, putting your supplement in now.

Can I get a little bit of pineapple flavouring in there? Yeah, no worries. Good supplement. Can I have some vitamin C? Oh, you meant that vitamin C. Why is the guy at the counter sweating and smoking a cigarette? But so we had our Christmas

party and the boss was a young guy and his little brother was like 15 and he wanted to drink with us and we were playing that I've never game, you know where you say, I've never had a threesome. Just quickly, what a cool boss. Can I bring my 15 year old brother along to our Christmas party? And to humiliate him

in front of everyone. Well, yeah. It was at his parents' house. At the back of his parents' house. It would have been rooted to kick the 15 year old out of his own house. You're going to have to wank on the street now, 15

year old. I'm sorry. Street wank. And he wanted to join. He kept wanting to join. He's like, oh, can I play a round of I've Never? And I'm sorry. Straight wank. And he wanted to join, he kept wanting to join, and he's like, oh, can I play a round of, oh, I've never, and he's like, oh, piss off, mate. And then finally he goes, okay, you can do one, and then you've got to shut up. And he goes, okay, sweet, no worries.

I have never, like, done weird shit with the dog. And it just goes dead quiet. And the dog just goes... Puts its paw up over its eyes. And one paw over its anus. It's quite... It's quite a flexible dog. Yeah.

Back. That's what I was trying to think. Which ones are the hands? It'd be easier if... That's the relaxed dog sitting in the corner. The tragedy is that's all visual, so the dogs listening at home to this podcast can't appreciate what you've just

done. It's a dog on its back, with its legs spread. If you're a dog at home listening, good boy. Now all the dogs at home listening have got it and just gone... Can we go back a little? We were talking before when we were talking about

the soggy gelati thing you started a story about your English teacher at school. I was hoping we wouldn't go back. I thought I would distract them with some serious cum jokes. You nearly shook us off the trail a little, but we're back. No, he found it necessary.

It was about masturbation came up in this book and he found it necessary to go, now, now, now, I reckon you all think that I don't know anything. That I've never smoked a bong, that I've never wanked. And we were just like, fucking, we didn't think any of this shit, sir. How long did the list go on? Like, I've never cut a sex worker.

You all probably think I've never fucking been homeless. I've never done weird stuff with a dog. Yeah. My brother tried to kill me and the Christmas of 67. You all probably think that, don't you? Fucking been homeless. I've never done weird stuff with a dog. Yeah. I've never done a tequila shot. My brother tried to kill me at the Christmas of 67. You all probably think that, don't you? But he said, I haven't heard it since then. He said, I know.

He said, if you don't know, you know the smell of semen, it's like alfalfa. And I haven't heard it since then. Oh, right. That just rocked me back to year nine. Well, I don't think that it's like alfalfa. It's just one of those common references. I just think it smells like jizz.

Whoa. So you heard it here first, guys. Cum smells like jizz. Although I did see Mooney eating a salad roll before. He goes, jeez, this smells a bit cummy. I got it from a reputable smoothie outlet. Salad roll up in a minute, Mr Mooney. Fucking hell.

This is mature, isn't it? This is exactly where I want this to be. This thing is at four in the afternoon that we're recording this, by the way. Meanwhile, the late show tonight will be, so don't you ever wonder why airline food is a bit... Just more cum references, fuck! Actually, I do wonder about airline food and why it's just fucking excrement in a fucking cardboard box now

thrown at you by a fucking angry woman. It's Neil Perry these days. Yeah, Neil Perry's fucking supplements. It's Neil Perry's offcuts. It's just so bad. Why don't they make a whole plane out of Neil Perry's fucking supplements. It's Neil Perry's offcuts. It's just so bad. What if they make the whole plane out of Neil Perry? I like the little tray with the little sections. One for the train spotters.

Should we get our next guest up here? Tommy Little, everyone. Give it up. Our third guest today, you know him from Triple J and from Reality Check Please give it up and welcome Tom Bello And can I just say, finally, some diversity on the panel I think comedy is dominated by straight white males. I mean, boy, have we really mixed it up here.

Hey, this is a sweet guest for us. We've booked Tommy's housemate. It's pretty far away from our house, though. On Triple M yesterday afternoon. Gay is so 2004. Can we have someone transgender on the fucking panel? I mean... Caitlin Dassolo.

Just close your eyes and listen to this. Jenny Olsop. Hello. Hi, Jenny. Welcome to your transition, Dale. It'd be good. I'd save money. I wouldn't have to get the hormone stuff

because the voice is all there. So... right? How's that suddenly the worst thing that's happened? Are you serious? Look, I made a slight blunder. Let's get back to the safe coming. Have we discussed... And you can transition very easily to a female comic because you're not funny. Oh!

female comic because you're not funny. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Come on! Come on! Oh! Oh! How cool was that? Come on. How good was that? I feel like that was like a Mortal Kombat fatality. Mooney was a bit woozy and it was like, finish him. Hang on. Zero and Jonah just comes up.

Mooney said something very sexist about female comedians and then someone rewarded us with free beer. I hate dumb bitches. Oh, God. I thought we were going to get more. Sorry. Theodore Lachlan just appeared and then Milan brought a bucket of beer. Normally those things wouldn't happen in that order and

the beer bottles would be empty, I think. But there you go. Do you know what it is? It's the gravitational wave that's passed through that they saw. It's changing the whole space-time continuum. The alcohol arrived and Fiona left.

What the fuck? It seems like someone at the back thought that we'd booked different guests because it's like, okay, Fiona's here and we got some ice for Fleety. Like, okay, Fiona's here and we got some ice for Fleety. The comedy of Carl Chamber, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, boy.

Oh, so Tom, welcome to our podcast. Thank you very much. A place for friends. Yeah, great. I just thought it would be great for him to talk about the refugee crisis at the moment. What have you got? If we could. Oh, it's just no good. And women are fucking stupid.

Yay! Hey, but rather than talk about the refugee crisis, let's talk about sex in the city. Sunrise gets it so right. No, I'm an ambassador for the UNHCR. Yeah, but I'll read some Carrie Bradshaw to you. Sam Armitage. Seriously, that was horrific TV.

I don't know what you're talking about. I've got no idea what you're talking about. Okay, so Kristen Davis, who played Charlotte in Sex and the City. I do, but I'm playing the role of the stupid listener. I know, I've got it. I've got it. You're playing the role of, I'll ask you a question so you can explain yourself. Yeah, I've been in media, Tommy.

I'll ask you a question so you can explain yourself. Yeah, I've been in media, Tommy. The role of the stupid listener is that we had to do every morning on Nova. Ow! Ow! Yeah, because Triple J listeners are fucking smart as shit. All right, yeah. I don't know about you, Carl, but I do not feel... I can't listen to Triple J!

Play another Jack Johnson tune! Triple J! Play another Jack Johnson tune! Triple G! And now it's time for a whingy man. We should have not booked as many alphas as we could on stage. I do not feel like I'm in the driver's seat of this podcast. I'm bound and gagged in the food at this point. We are just in the high branches throwing shit at one another. No, but...

And Tommy, you don't need to be in the driver's seat when you've got your own little booster seat. Hey, hey. Tommy Daslow is going back to school this Monday. Yay! Oh, it's going to look so cute. Give us your lunch money, fag. Just helping you out, Tommy.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know her as the first lady of Australian comedy. Please welcome back in the Little Dunlop Club, Fiona O'Loughlin! Fiona! Lachlan! You look fucking great. So good. Seriously. You look so much better than when I visited you and the priest was giving you your last rites.

You won't remember that because you're in a coma. I do have one memory of you visiting and saying, where's the money, where's the money? And I've just woken up from a coma and I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. She just came out of a coma, like very ill, and I went, Fiona, Fiona. She goes, where's the money, where have you hidden the fucking money? Don't trust anyone else but me me don't tell any family members

no but you said you said to be fair you also asked that to your manager no you said don't only trust me and Fleety oh sorry I was just thinking how brutal would it be if you said yeah you look good Fiona but you look better when you're in a coma Oh, sorry. I was just thinking how brutal it would be if you said,

yeah, you look good, Fiona, but you look better when you're in a coma. I look shocking in a coma. I always thought you'd be like Hot Coma. I always thought that about you. Fiona, I'd fuck you in a coma. Come on. Close the dance door, they think they're going to look really beautiful. Who knows who didn't? Fiona.

Fiona, I reckon you're going to look even better when you wake up from your coma. Well, it's like I'm in a coma now. Because I'm now, I'm taking it, I went back to work too soon and apparently when you nearly die, you need to take some time maybe run it about it anyway so I got post-traumatic and now I'm living with

my parents on the York Peninsula and that doesn't sound traumatic at all Well it's kind of A daily reminder Of the approaching death A constant A nagging resounding message That you've failed Yes That's exactly what it is And it's like

I smell a sitcom Well the reason we booked you for this I hit you up the other day and I said Fuck me what it is. And it's like... I smell a sitcom. Well, the reason we booked you for this, I hit you up the other day and I said, are you living in Adelaide at the moment? You're like, I'm visiting Adelaide. My mum and dad are driving me to drive around the city. And I was like, fucking all right.

You qualify for this podcast. You sound like him. I know. I'm fucking 52. Tell his parents where she was at a coma. Again. Are you kidding? They can't afford the life support. I've sucked them dry already.

But my parents are deaf and we don't sign or anything. I mean, they've been deaf since we were born. We just can't be fucked. No, no. They're going deaf. So you wake up, you've just kind of had a nervous breakdown, basically, and you wake up and there's a radio going in their bedroom and then you've got Macca, if it's Sunday,

you've got Macca in the kitchen. Oh, I fucking hate Macca. I hate him. Macca, all over Australia., I fucking hate Macca. I hate him. Macca, all over Australia. I don't even think it would technically be murder if you fucking killed that cunt. No, I think you're wrong.

Okay. I mean... Oh, you're a legal expert now, are you, mate? Oh! And old people just watch ABC 24. Like, that's all that's on. Yeah, I watch that. Well, I don't.

I watch, like, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. How old are your parents, Fiona? Like, 40? So what's your curfew tonight, by the way? Mum's picking me up. Fiona, you know what's great about this? We talked about it could be a sitcom. I mean, your parents are deaf, you're blind most of the time.

It's see no evil, see no evil. I love you, Tommy. That's great. Moody had to lean in to get Little to repeat the joke. Now who's the fucking old cunt? I'm deaf. But it's like the York Peninsula, the coast. The housewives of the York Peninsula.

It's just two. Can I borrow some flour? Get fucked, dearie Same husband Excuse you again I did fashion a lot of you Actually everyone on this stage I fashioned you into family

Living in Melbourne And it was so intoxicating For me to leave Alice Springs And live in Melbourne Naturally It was so intoxicating for me to leave Alice Springs and live in Melbourne. Literally. Yeah. It was intoxicating to drink a shitload of alcohol.

And it was perfect. It's intoxicating to kill yourself with a bottle of booze. And I only... That'll do it. I only... You know when you're stumbling around the city late at night, you're, yeah, I just moved house. Yeah. No, I had so many, I was so wicked.

We had this cat called Mrs Fuchs who ended up being a pancake on Punt Road. But Mrs Fuchs, she was this beautiful ragdoll kitten and I only ever did, because I've got my standards, I only ever did cocaine in Sydney. No. And... No, you didn't. The price is a little bit more, yeah. Sydney. No. And... No, you didn't.

The price is a little bit more, yeah. But I'd come back... No, you didn't. You stole a shitload off me on my birthday at my place. So let's not fucking lie to ourselves. But I'd come... I was like a hoover that night. There's the line over there, Fiona.

Not the puck and... She's done the pile. Don't punch her, Marty. She's drunk. But the thing I didn't realise, because it was a very brief, you know, period of white substance abuse, what I hadn't realised is that drug dealers quite like to be paid. But anyway, the beauty of Mrs Foose, the cat,

was that I'd come home from Sydney and sneeze for three days and I told the kids I was allergic to the cat. Good thing they'll never know then I had to give it up when the cat died Well of course Fucking hell I thought you were going to say you had to give up the cat Thought oh well the cat's got to go

The cat's got to go The cat's got to fucking rat me out Either that or I've got to snort this cat Man this is fucked I could really go some cum eating you to cleanse the palate right now go. Cat's gotta go. Cat's gotta fucking rat me out. Either that or I've got to snort this cat. And this is fucked. I could really go some cum eating you to cleanse the palate right now. I'd love it if it was a palate cleanser at a restaurant. Would you like some cum? But I'm not saying that this is all part

of my post-traumatic stress. I wouldn't have done it under normal circumstances. Sure. No, I understand, Fiona. Because before you had that disorder, you were pretty fine. No, I've kept a low profile and I've kept my troubles to myself.

There was a couple of hundred times where I saw you drunk on stage, but apart from that, I think you've been cool. It's nice to be mocked about your mental health by this guy. It's nice to be mocked about your mental health by this guy. He's so sound. I want to say this. I want to say this.

So that links to this. Just believe in yourself, Carl. Yes. We actually get, this is serious, like my fucking 1-800-DUMBCUNT line that I've got open. Everyone's got my phone number. I love how they saved that number for you. Yeah. So many people asked for that number for years and they went, no, no.

The chosen one's coming. I didn't even ask. The number of the beast. And then one day he wandered down from the hills, you cunts got any fucking phones or what, eh? Ah, the messiah has arrived. The number of the beast is 666, but the number of the dumb cunt is 0408. No, don't. Oh, and speaking of dumb cunt is 0408. Three, eight.

No, don't. Oh, and speaking of dumb cunts, that's what I wanted to say. You could have said that at any point over the last hour. Speaking of dumb cunts, this podcast. This tiny town I live in, and I don't want to disrespect the humans there. But they're all dumb cunts. It's like when you hang out with comedians, like there's this, it's almost a covenant of

backstage, you can say whatever you want and it's a joy. Well, you've got to do the hard yards. You've got to die on stage lots of times. Do you? What's it like? But, you know, this man, this man. Overwhelmed by choices. That's right.

I was just a Dulux colour chart of insults. It is. What's the point? Lawrence's way of greeting me is, you filthy, filthy old mole. And you take no offence, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know,

and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know,

and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know,

and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, and you're just sitting there, you know, You go to a little country town and it's like everyone's a Down syndrome. What, they love cuddles? No, because you want to talk about something. You want to talk about an idea. But they only want to talk about... Mum just wants to talk about the eggs. They're a bit watery. The whites. The egg whites are watery.

I mean, they're no good for poaching, but they're all right for scrambling. And Dad doesn't have a gun. You know, it's just... It's fucking hard to slog out there. Are there days you're filled with nostalgia for the coma? Oh, fuck yeah. Those are the good old days. It's the least of my worries.

So, because of all that... Into the 11th day of the coma. Things were so good old days. It was the least of my worries. So, because of all that... Into the 11th day of the coma. Things were so much better then. So we got such great reaction. The great podcast that we did with you, Lawrence and Fiona. Those podcasts that you guys were on, we had such great feedback. And you know what? We've had...

I get a lot of messages, a lot of very abusive messages, text messages. But I occasionally get very nice ones where people genuinely say, hey, I get so many going, oh, look, I've had a rough trot, I've been in a bad way, I listen to your podcast, and it's been great. And I think, I sort of assume they listen to us and think, well, fuck, there's worse people in the world. I mean, is now a good time to break it to you or not? I write those nice messages

I'm like I'll boost his ego up just enough So do you get them privately on your Yes Text messaging Yes Yeah yeah yeah You're right to question that Because why the fuck would I have my number out there

But I'll field this one Because I read it out on the show, my dear lad. So, a text message I got this week. This is what I got this week. Hey, Carl, I spent the day in a mental hospital wearing one of your shirts. I assume it's one of our dumbed-up shirts,

not one of my shirts. Who spends a day in a mental hospital? And was it a psychiatric hospital or just a comment on the public health system? Oh, okay. Fee, I love the disdain that you would see someone in there for a day and be like, stay off my wave, weekender.

Soft cock! Soft cock! Soft cock. You fucking tourist. Taking our beds. We're campaigning to get stickers of us on the yellow chocolate mousse label. Let's campaign to get the fucking T-shirts to be the official uniform of mental hospitals everywhere.

Let's get a dumb dunk. We can make a special version where the arms are tied up at the back. That's no worries. Or a T-shirt that doesn't. He just make a special version where the arms are tied up at the back. That's no worries. He just sits in the corner repeating, gots him, gots him. So, anyway,

so I got that message. Right. This is literally the message. I spent the day in a mental hospital wearing one of your shirts, hashtag on brand. I said,

man, are you serious? They said, yeah, I'm doing a two-week day course there to try and get my anxiety under control. Thought I'd give you some free advertising to your core demo.

So, I reply, fuck, that is very funny, but I also hope you're okay. Their message, yeah, I'm pretty good now, thankfully. Your pod also helped back in the day during some of the bad shit that happens. So thanks for that. And as on text messaging, okay, great, thank you. As I'm trying to send that through, the next message comes through which says, you're still a dumb cunt though.

Yay! That's when they were declared cured, when they recognised that yous were both dumb cubs. Yeah, yeah, it's like an eye chart. Your podcast is like a weekly dose of Rock Bottom for people to listen to. We should just change the name to that to be honest. Rock Bottom. The Rock Bottom Boys. Nah, because the beauty about the Rock Bottom Boys is you guys don't realise it's Rock Bottom.

Mate, we've been doing a podcast for five years. We're aware. The Rock Bottom Boys are big in the gay porn world. You three have a pretty big Twitter following. Like, how many nasty tweets do you get? Not as many as I send. Here it is! Here it is! Got Tim.

Got Twitter. I got my second one the other day. You did not. As if you've only had two. I've only had two. I've seen at least three. Carl, Carl. Carl, she's talking to the popular end of the desk.

Thank you very much. He realises as he follows. There's no desk. All right at least three. Carl, Carl. Carl, she's talking to the popular end of the desk. Thank you very much. He realises as he follows. There's no desk. All right, maybe three. Yeah, because there's a fat fucker that... He's got one follower. I think it's me. I can't get it.

No, I spoke to Dura this morning. Or one of his cousins. Okay, so that's people in wheelchairs, women, ethnic minorities and gays. We've done it, everybody. Another successful episode. Great work. Has anyone won dumb cunt bingo at this point?

Is this when we crowd surf? But it was so weird. It was... What, that they're allowed in? No. Oh, sorry. What he took umbrage about, it was a DVD that I've never watched. It's the only DVD I've made.

It's called Fiona O'Loughlin's Greatest Hits and I'd rather eat my own eyeball than watch it. But this guy, I used to do this thing about pioneer women who came up on camels to Alice Springs 100 years ago and I'd say if I was one of those pioneer women, bad joke, you know, I would have stuck a hose up the camel's ass and gassed myself.

Right? And just, you know, pioneers shit me, basically. Vacuum cleaner lead around your head and you're trying to strangle yourself. They didn't have them. Oh, it's been a rollercoaster ride. That's a good joke.

When you cark it, can I have that one? Anyway, I read this. I think it was on Facebook, not Twitter. But this guy said, my mother was a pioneer and I just watched your show and I've never loathed a human more. But I'm like, is he talking about his mother or me? That's like when I was in Edinburgh and I got a review and it said, a pretty middle

aged woman. I'm like, I think he called me pretty. And my daughter said, no, there's a comma there, you fuckwit. Like, I raised them to call me fuckwits. And they don't stop. One of my favourite stories that you tell on stage is

cutting in front of the old man in the post office. Because, you know, we all imbue old people with this idea that they're lovely people and you shouldn't offend them. They've, you know, lived through the war. Yeah, yeah. Every old person's lovely. And so I'm just going to nip in front of this old person and he just eventually gets behind

you and says, You fucking whore. behind you and says, you fucking whore. 90 if he was a day. And that man was Carl Chandler. And isn't that nice that Lawrence loves that bit so much, that's now how he greets you every time. Thank you once again to the unofficial sponsor of Little Donner Club,

Milan, who has now given us another bucket of beer. But I think it's a valid point. I don't intend to get any nicer. And I'll be in a nursing home, say, 25 years from now. Mrs O'Loughlin, would you like to come down to the community room and join in on the sing-along? Would you like to go fuck yourself? I'm going to be foul-mouthed when I'm old. I'm not changing that. I think comedians

should... Show us your minge. Laurie! How about you give us some examples? Laurie, don't say that to the lady. Get fucked up. Slap. Oh, you've smashed his head off. I used to nurse geriatrics, right, because they used to put me in the geriatric ward.

It was almost like, how much damage can she do? You know, and it was incredible to see dementia. You can either go to a really happy place or you go to a weird, unhappy place. It's like acid. It's about your disposition. And because i nursed in my country town like i knew the people and this woman used to wear a twin set and pearls to bridge right and then all of a sudden she got dementia and you had to be very careful walking into her room because she would throw poo at you. And you just go, what happens in your mind?

That's all about a twin set in pearls, isn't it? Her repression just finds its out. I love the idea of you going into a ward filled with people with Alzheimer's or dementia and them looking at you going, fuck, I need to get my life back on track. I need to get my shit together. I can't end up like that. I overdosed my shit together. I can't end up like that. I overdosed my great-aunt on...

There's this guy called Mr Goldsworthy, he's off his fucking rocker, and he was on so much sedative, and my aunt was on a mild sedative, Aunty Dot, she was my great-aunt, and in the hospital where I work. Anyway, I turned my back for a minute, and she downed his.

Cheeky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. And I kept my mouth shut. Like, I was so gutless because I'd filled out so many incident report forms. Like, you know, pronouncing people dead that weren't dead, you know. It was just like being in a... It was like my nursing career was like being trapped. How long would you give them?

Like if someone said to you, hey, Fiona, where's Barry? Would you just go, Barry? Probably dead. Barry! We lost another good one. Yeah. So I shut my mouth and didn't say anything and I was on late

and then I got to the early shift and you have a handover where they tell you what happened during the night. And I said, oh, Aunty Dot, everyone called her Aunty Dot, even though she was my auntie, that was her nickname, and they said, oh, Aunty Dot seems to... Mr Goldsworthy had been up all night and

they had to give him a shot of Valium at three. And meanwhile, Auntie Dot seems to be in a coma. And I'm like, that's interesting. And... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. It's a miracle! I just kept... I'm not fucking filling out one more incident report

for him. Like, because one was I made a cup of hot Milo for a woman who'd had a baby, but ten minutes later the bell rang and it was another woman who had a baby and she said, I left my breast milk in the fridge. And I've... And that's a human...

That's a bodily fluid. That's a big-time incident report. But can we just talk about... These two in the front row, I haven't heard fucking boo from you all show in terms of disgusted groans when we were talking about cum and gelati but a bit of bloody breast milk and you go,

oh, from the top half it's disgusting. Who's interpreted that? It's pretty disgusting. So anyway, then I turn to comedy and nothing's gone wrong since. Yay! All together now. Comedy! Comedy!

So, we've got to... We're getting near the end of the show. We have some sweet content that we have to get out. Yeah, exactly. Sweet content? Some sweet content. Yeah, finally. About a month ago, I go to your house to do the podcast.

There's a package sitting on your table. We get a delivery to my place. We immediately... Like, yeah, we get sent stuff sometimes, you know. I obviously get a lot of text messages that are very abusive. We don't get a lot of positive feedback. Many of you people have wished death upon us. So we get a package and it says to be opened,

it says to be opened by both of you together, by Tommy and Carl together. And it's like, and we're sitting there looking at this package going, all right, so what do you think it is? Anthrax or another form of anthrax? I mean,

is it weird that as you've just done the zip a little bit it smells like alfalfa? As I've done the zip on my pants or the suitcase? Thanks for stepping on the end of the story.

Did it come in the suitcase? I'm going to put back the suitcase full of cum. All right. Now that's a game show. Suitcase full of cum. No, that's not. This is Carl's actual official suitcase that he travels with Fiona. The official suitcase?

Yeah. There's some bootleg ones out there, but this is like the dinky die one. Bloody hell, comedy's been good to someone. Here I am travelling with garbage bags like a sucker. Fiona, the end of the story wasn't that I got a free suitcase. So, this is... We open it. We open it and there's two objects.

Two items in. Shall we take one each? Yeah, let's get one each. Okay. So... Oh, wow. And there's two objects. Two items in. Should we take one each? Yeah, let's get one each. Okay. So. Oh, wow. Shit. So for some people at home that can't see,

we have got two foot-long models of each other. Yeah. Made out of, what is this? It's like, so the skeleton of them is like really firm. They feel like real dolls. And then the outside is wool. And they are super detailed. How good are the little sneakers?

Yeah, Carl's got little sneakers. Mine's in a suit. I've worn a suit maybe twice in my life. Hey, hey, but it's also got more hair than you. Yeah, I know. Hey, yeah. Vegas can't be choosers. And they've got a little label saying,

unofficial little dum-dum club talking Tommy doll. Tommy's one hasn't got acne. And where do they retail? Where do they retail? You are Miss... Look, there's only a market for one copy each and it's us, to be honest. So anyway, on the label of this car one it says, now you two can have

your own little mate chatting away to you. Just push on my little tum tum to hear all your most beloved Carl Chandler classics. Oh no! Did somebody say duck sandwich? Wait, where's the speaker so I can actually Definitely in the arse.

Definitely in the arse, yeah. Can I have a pie? Here we go My parents had a threesome with a ladyboy Oh, hang on, can you turn that off? Congratulations, Tommy, on going for the mouth as like the seventh option Yeah, I know, it sounds like I'm the world's greatest and best comedian

You are really Where is it coming from? You try with It's coming from the doll you're holding So put it close to your ear. That's on the side of your fucking head. And listen to where it's coming from. Let me have a go. Here's the Tommy doll.

Just me and me big old dick. How'd you get that? Oh, boy. Give my friend Carl a call on 0438665. Hey, mate. Wait, I'll do one. G'day, dickhead.

I'm Carl Chandler. Classic mate. I'm from a little town called Maryborough. Chocolate mousse is my favourite. I eat it everywhere, even on trams. For my holidays, I go to Thailand. Check out my little website, carlchandler.com. Did somebody say duck sandwich? My best friend is Carlandler.com Did somebody say duck sandwich?

My best friend is Karl Chandler. I had cancer. Oh, yes. And I did too, isn't it funny? So, who in the crowd shouted out? Who wants to take a punt at who that is doing the voices? Xavier. Yeah.

Xavier. So it's like he's clearly done it for these specifically. So we open this. We're freaking out. We're losing our minds at this. They're so good. Yeah. Can I have a guess who made them or is that not?

Am I going to ruin it? We don't know. Yeah, we don't know. I thought you were going to ask if you could fuck one of them. And the answer's yes. Is it weird that I want a Carl doll? Yeah. It smells of Jim Henson to me. And the weird thing is, so we got these a couple of weeks ago.

So we've been saving them. Fuck. Which one of us has come off worse? Definitely me. No, there's real essence to them. It's quite beautiful. I don't think Carl's eyes are popping out enough. I know Carl's one isn't ugly enough.

The doll doesn't look like it's got alcohol fetal birth syndrome. Thank you. What was that thank you for? The doll? For noticing. This doesn't end well. It looks like it doesn't fucking begin well.

What this means is that the maker of this, who is now anonymous, ends up wearing bits of you across three states of Australia in a car chase. You've got a suspicion who made these, don't you? No, no, no. The thing is, I rang up Xavier and went,

fuck it, this is your voice, isn't it? And he's like, what? What do you mean, what? To be fair, that is a weird start to a phone call. Hello, Xavier speaking. This is your voice, isn't it? So, yeah, I ring him up and he was sort of very weird about it.

And I said, did you get paid for this? And he was like, oh, I don't know, whatever. So I'm like, I don't know. It all sounds very suspicious. I don't... So do you want me to throw my hat into the ring with this? Mattel. Mattel. Mattel.

It's definitely canon Barbie. This may be drawing a long bow, but I have a doll. Oh, you have a doll like this? Nowhere near as good as this. But I have a doll from many years ago who I reckon these dolls might be from the same person. Oh, you have a doll like this? Nowhere near as good as this. But I have a doll from many years ago who I reckon these dolls might be from the same person. Oh, really? Are they in prison?

Nah. Do you still have all your skin? Hey. Do you still have all your skin? Yeah, they're... No, they're good. They're good. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, Tom Ballard. Suck that mean, Tom Ballard. Suck that dick. Tom Ballard. Do it the other way around. Yeah, make him scissor. Oh, alfalfa. 11-year-old Tom Ballard gets G.I. Joe for Christmas.

What are you doing, Tom? Trying to communicate with Warrnambool. Finally, the little cum-cum club. But if they're like voodoo dolls, are you feeling anything in your genitalia? Yeah, I'm sucking Carl's dick right now. I haven't felt anything for quite a while. I always wanted to be one of those kids on the toys ads

who are just so fucking enthusiastic, like, oh, yeah, Tommy dolls! My favourite! But this is literally what happened, because they're quite detailed and you go, oh, man, you don't want to break one or anything. So I didn't check in my luggage. I, like, carried that in a separate bag all on its own on the plane.

It went through the X-ray machine. Yeah, definitely. I love that your theory is someone's going to pick up that doll and go, wait a minute, that's you! So I'm on the plane just with hand luggage, just with that in a bag, and I'm like, you know, sitting with other people and I just keep bumping it and just going, I've got cancer!

So... Hey, I really do got cancer. So. Hey, I really do have cancer. Where's your fucking doll? Nah, sorry. We've had two benefits for you. You come up blank on this one. I reckon we should have a benefit for, like, we nominate four people that have got nothing in the comedy world

Bad open micers, yeah So you can get the money now you can use it while you're happy not on medical expenses when you're in the fucking big C This is basically a benefit for bad open micers right now So Tommy, do you know the person that made your doll?

Yeah Do you want to say who it is? Do we know them? Yeah. Because we think it's someone we know, right? That's the suspicion? Well, I don't know. This is like an Enid Blyton famous five.

It's like a murder mystery, but there's no murder and nobody gives a fuck. The mystery of the dolls. It's more like the famous four and two cunts, to be fair. It is like that because this is definitely a crime. Tommy, do we want to... I want to know a name. I want to know a name of who you think this is. Hey, mate!

Is there a reason why you're not telling us who it is, who the doll maker is? You're being really cagey, Tommy. Yeah. Stop it, Lawrence. Keep going. Hey, mates, Tommy coming to you here from the edit suite.

Look this is the first time we've ever had to do this but I edited out a bunch of stuff from this episode which if you were there you'll know exactly what it is and usually it's kind of easy to cover up like there's a good out point but there's not for this at all.

So I thought I'd just drop in here to let you know that we're going to pick this up, and it's very abrupt. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying the episode. Bye, mates. But it's very hard. I don't want to be the girl comment-winging, but I do. Good, shut up. Good, shut up and crack a joke.

But it is hard for... Oh, you're such a cunt. Oh, touche, Oscar Wilde. You're a repartee in wit, madam. They leave me speechless. But it is hard on partners. Like, being in this game. When they're...

Right, Chris embarrassed me. Look at the pose you've adopted. Tell you what, man, this game, it's fucking brutal. I remember walking into the high five, you know, the upstairs. This is in Melbourne where just the comics hang out and my husband came and Charlie Pickering used to have this same joke every time I walked in the Hi-Fi. This was before I hit the skids, right? They used to laugh at me for being so naive and not into things.

And anyway, Charlie used to yell out from the one side of the hi-fi bar whenever he'd see me go, oh Lachlan, put the crack pipe down and face your reality. It was the same joke every night but I laughed every night. But I'd bought a civilian in the form of my husband and Charlie did the same joke and the whole... I've never been more embarrassed in my life because we speak in a code, you know,

where you don't have to go, that's a joke. You know, you get that that's a joke. Crack pipe means heroin needle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. How else are you going to, you know, be happy? Anyway, so my husband and I walked in the high-fiver and Charlie Pickering goes, yeah, I'd like to put the crack pipe down.

And then next thing, Chris, who's not hearing or on our wavelength at all, goes, what did you just say to my wife? And the whole high-f. It went deathly quiet. And it's just, it's hard work. Having a husband or smoking crack? Having a husband. I've never smoked crack, I don't think. What did you do with crack?

Sucked it and licked it. Oh, sorry, different crack. You are so forgetting I'm frigid. Sucked it and licked it up your arse. Oh, there I go. What are the odds on? The two great comedy cockroaches, who's going to last longer, you or Fleety?

I come from a very long line of longevity. Right. It's like a virus. La Comedia Cucaracha. Ah, Fleety. That'll lock. Also, I've given up my vices living in the country and I'm running an hour a day.

You're running for an hour a day? Haven't you been running your whole life, Fiona? What are you running away from, Fiona? Well, what are you running to, the bottle shop? No, because I'm waiting for my Centrelink to come in. You're living with your parents in the country on Centrelink and you're jogging. Fuck, did you just do a Freaky Friday with Deslo?

No, because... Hey, fuck you just do a Freaky Friday with Dasolo? Hey, fuck you, I am not from the country. No, because when I realised I needed to take time off, I just had to cancel so many gigs and that cost a lot of money. It wiped me out. And my brothers and sisters are so happy then.

Tell me you're working on a book though. We had Fleety's book. You've got to be working on the full Fiona O'Loughlin story That's what I'm doing Yeah, great I've just started Is it a re-edit of your last book or a full new one? No, no, it's a full new one

The whole thing So the piece of fiction that you wrote that was your memoir No, I just concentrated on the sunny side I was born Fiona O'Loughlin, I like water Yay Chicken's good. So, yeah, no, this is the full...

Everything. This is everything. Great. Yeah, so... Because it was such a cliche. Like, everyone thought, oh, she hit the big time and left her husband, you know. It's not about... You never hit the big time.

Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Now that was the sound of four people mentally working out which one of them was going to make the big time. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Now that was the sound of four people mentally working out which one of them was going to make the same thing. So Fiona, let me ask you this because this is the big question for addicts and people, you know, challenging themselves. Addicts, that's a strong word. It sounds like a question you've asked yourself many times.

I ask myself this question all the time, and this is the fucking nub of when you ask yourself, what do you want? And that is like... How'd you get that? And happiness. How'd you get that? Can I come on the project?

No, because you slag off all the people on it. They probably won't want you on it. Except you. just slag off all the people on it. They probably won't want you on it. Except you. And it's true, I've never slagged you off. The others, hell yeah, no. And we're back from the end. Let's cut that bit out. Welcome back to the little dumb-dumb club.

So the question is, if you are striving for inner peace and balance and, you know, mental health, are you frightened that it will remove your edge? Because if you're happy, does the comedy disappear? Oh, well, when I was, yeah, like, desperately depressed, my stand-up got better and better. So, I don't know maybe I'll just do the sound of music at the next head fringe I'll be playing all the

parts no I I don't know but it does agony does help you stand up because you just I I got so funny success isnure's funny. Success isn't. If you come up, hey, I'm completely self-actualised and I just am in harmony with the universe. No, that will never be me. It's not selling tickets. I will find a way. My guardian angel is a cunt and she will fuck with me no matter how hard I try.

Is it Catherine Devaney? And we're back. I went to Sydney to meet my editor, who's a really hot editor for this second book. I'm not mucking around with this second book. And I just felt like, I'm back, I'm on a plane, I had a nervous breakdown three months ago. And this is me and my guardian angel.

It's like, what can we do with her today? And I got upgraded, so I'm in first class. I'm off to meet a book editor. Life's maybe, you know, June Northern, go fuck herself. Can June Northern be your non-diplom? Please, can you write this book out of June Northern? It's not until I got to the hotel I realised I just left one roller in my hair.

I love it. Like a bright pink roller. Moony, have you got deep vein thrombosis? It's like a flight that you need to stretch it out. I think he just wants to get closer to me. No, I'm going to slap someone. That's going to be O'Loughlin. Alright, we have to start to wrap this up

because there's another show in here soon, so we have to get out. We need little... Are you going to give us this name or are you going to at least give us a reason why you're going to keep us on the hook? What do you reckon? Well, the main reason I'm going to keep you on the hook is because

you want to hear the name. Fuck! Is it a girl or a boy? It is a girl. Oh, we're doing Guess Who? Do they have a moustache? You got her. Fiona! There's only one on the board.

And we're back. No, fucking come on, mate. Fee, I reckon it's a hot mo. That's why when you were in the camera, I said, fuck, her moustache looks brilliant. Yeah, when you were in the camera, I was like, fuck, Burt Reynolds, is this sick? Fuck.

There's no waxing salon in Warrooka. I'm going to have to change my name to Brian. Is Burt Reynolds this sick? That's good shit. Thank you. Doll. Are we going to get a resolution? Who made the doll?

Really? Why are you keeping it from us? Because it'll be a to be continued. Yeah. Is the answer going to be something that anyone's ever heard of? You think someone famous is making new dolls? Two words. Meryl Streep, my friend.

Is Meryl Streep playing both those dolls? While not winning Oscars, I fashion dolls for dumb cunts on the other side of the world that I've never heard of. Rebecca Gibney. All right, we'll keep this

as a cliffhanger. Ladies and gentlemen, we have to wrap that up. A cliffhanger that no one gives a fuck about the answer, apparently. What could possibly

be more dumb dumb? Yeah, okay, all right. Yeah, listen next week to something you don't give a fuck about. Alright, cool, alright. It's what happens every week. Hello! Hello, Tim?

Mr. Tim? I got you! I'm getting a reverse call charge from Mr. Tim. Give a big round of applause for Lawrence Mooney. Thank you. Tommy Little. Tom Ballard. Fiona O'Loughlin.

That's all we've got time for on the Little Dum Dum Club this week. Thank you very much for listening. And we'll see you next time. See you next time.