The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 281 - Nazeem Hussain & Claire Hooper

Episode Date: February 24, 2016

100 Jokes, Eating Placenta and The Trip Back From Adelaide Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Yalla Chocolate Moose. Mmm, that's the best moose in the world. Couldn't think of something snappy because your mouth was still full from the spoon you were just eating of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're always coming up with better and better mottos for that company. Why won't they put us on their label after this kind of great slogan work we've been doing? But keep at them, Yalla Foods on Facebook and Twitter. Get on them. Tell them to put us on their label. I've got to be honest. I thought the heat might have died down by now because it's been months,

but people still tweet and Facebooking us every day about Yeller. Oh, man, they love it. And fair enough. We've struck a chord. There's been a moose-shaped hole in this country for too long. So, hey, thanks, everyone, for subscribing to us via Patreon.com. It gives us a bit of cash to thank us for doing the podcast and you also get some awesome special bonuses

so go to patreon.com slash little dumdum club to find out all the little rewards that you get for throwing a little bit of sweet buns our way yeah the next bonus episode and the next newsletter are very close around the corner so get in in time for that and as we promised everyone

who puts above $2 a month gets a bit of a shout-out. So let's just do a big, big bunch of subscribers right now. So thank you to Tom Knowles. Good on you, Knowlesy. Knowlesy, thank you to Scott Ferris. Thank you to Willow Nacow. Thank you to Tony Johansson. Thank you to Emma Pidgeon.

Thank you to R. Lind, whatever that means. Well, it's someone's name. Well, no, it's not because they put R and then R is their full name and then I've had to look at their email address to figure out that that's something else. Oh, like R.L. Stine. Yes, it's them. It's actually him.

That's him. Thanks, Goosey. Thanks to Steph Rollins. Thanks to Benjamin Barry. Thanks to Ken Brown. Thanks to Cherry Ann. Thanks to Ollie Harris who I think may have been part of the show before. May have made a few little songs under the stage name of...

Don't give away old Bruce Banner's secret. All right. Thank you to Matthew Lyons. Thank you to Matthew Parker. Thank you to Kieran Standring. Thank you to Matthew, who calls himself Dr. Helix for some reason. Thank you to Matthew Who calls himself Dr Helix for some reason Thank you to Michelle Howe And thank you very lastly

To Sarah Capoletti Ah yes, our old mate Capo There was a girl in there with the name Pigeon That's funny That was the only one that stood out to me Pigeon? Yeah You don't have to go back and look

Oh I did too You can just believe me if you want I just zone out when I get into the zone like that Guys we've got Brisbane is coming up very soon In like what a week and a half now I did too. You can just believe me if you want. I just zone out when I get into the zone like that. Guys, we've got Brisbane is coming up very soon in like, what, a week and a half now. March the 20th at, what is it called? Hayabar? Hayabar.

In Brisbane. Home of the cheeseburger spring roll. We've got one show sold out, second show. Nearly sold out. Which is the second one? The 131? The 131. That's the one you can still get tickets to. We've got a split bill stand-up show of us

doing a bunch of new stuff from our new festival shows. And then we've got all the comedy festival stuff is on sale, our solo shows, all the live podcasts, the 40th birthday show. You literally are putting things into your bag to get out of here. I need to go. You're running late to a gig. Guys, check all

that stuff out, littledumbdumbclub.com. Enjoy this episode with Hoops and Nazeem, and we'll see you out there. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl 100 Jokes in a Day Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. Why did you groan about the thing that you decided to do? Because one minute before we recorded, one of our guests just said, oh, do you want to talk about the 100 jokes on Twitter that you did today? And I said no. So the very next thing that happened is you referencing it. I didn't hear that at all.

I was busy checking the levels on this bad boy. You did really well. Let's get the guessing. Guys, fuck off. He doesn't want to talk about it. It's a little bit personal what I do on Twitter, guys. Can my intro be, Nazeem, I really want to hear the hundred jokes, Hussein? Yeah, sure. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Nazeem,

I really want to hear the 100 jokes Who's saying? How about let's introduce the audience As in the Everyone who really wants to hear Nazeem talking to the mic this time Hey, listen Audience I will talk into the mic

If you tell me the 100 jokes No They're on Twitter, right? We can actually read them No, I'm not going to do anything Yeah, you just go on Twitter And then you read them Yeah, yeah, exactly

A little bit of backstory For people that don't know Wait, very quickly Also joining us Claire Hooper Yay! Yeah, you just go on Twitter and then you read them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A little bit of backstory for people that don't know. Wait, very quickly, also joining us, Claire Hooper. Yay! Well, this has got messy already. Very quickly, I was on Twitter today when we recorded this and I do a little thing called 100 Jokes in a Day and I write 100 jokes live from 10 o'clock until 6 o'clock

and it really hurts my brain and by the end of it, I hate comedy. I don't understand why you don't just do prep for it and like have a hundred ready to go and pretend you're writing them on the day but that's the point of this whole exercise it forces him to do work yeah exactly i don't understand why you just not do it because you seem to hate it you're like you're you're like the saw movie all in one person like you're jigsaw and the people that he's got locked up all in one yeah but you decided to do it i know but it's like doing like movie all in one person. You're Jigsaw and the people that he's got locked up all in one. You decided to do it. I know, but it's like doing pre-season training or something.

It's like doing exercise. You're not necessarily loving running up a hill. You are going to need to pick a more relatable analogy. I was waiting for that sentence to finish to then hang shit on you about that, by the way. But anyway, you got in quick. Yeah, so it doesn't mean that I necessarily love doing it. But by the end, it's like I'm glad I did it. That's what it is. I don't want to read any of these out. Part of your tweet was number 67 that I necessarily love doing it, but by the end it's like I'm glad I did it. That's what it is.

I don't want to read any of these out. The one of your tweets was number 67, I'm loving doing this, so I think the jury will find. Well, that was one of my funny ones. Very good. Oh, there are some really good ones here, but we're not allowed to just read them out. Yeah, yeah.

Well, hey, let's say this, Nazeem. We were talking about this before you got here. I'm going to, in honour of the great man, next week I'm going to do my own version. Are you serious? Twitter.com slash Dasolo. I'm going to do 100 sentences in one day. Tune in live. I don't believe that you'll actually accomplish that.

Do you know what? Why don't you do a different game plan to what you usually do on Twitter, though, instead? Yay! Where was I on that one? I think you were with Tim. Huh? Got him.

Yeah, I reckon that. I honestly reckon you might have trouble doing a hundred sentences. Yeah, I reckon because it's not quite challenging enough to raise the adrenaline required to complete the task. If you can come up with a hundred sentences that

are meaningless, apparently meaningless, and for one of them to go viral, that's a challenge. I was saying I'm going to sneak a real dodgy one in there. So like number 80. Whites are the superior race. Anyway, number 81. I got, that's a challenge. I was saying I'm going to sneak a real dodgy one in there. So like number 80, whites are the superior race. Anyway, number 81, I got stung by a bee. So this is the thing you're going to have to do. You're going to have to, you'll get to 60 something and then go,

hang on, this one's too funny. I can't put that in. Oh, yeah. It's not sentencing enough. If you accidentally make a joke. Yeah. Oh, so you reckon people are going to be, because you get people going about your ones, this one isn't funny enough. Oh, man. reckon people are going to be, because you get people going about your ones, this one isn't funny enough.

Oh, man. So I'm going to get the reverse criticism. I'm going to go, hang on a minute. Yeah, yeah. This is a bloody gut buster. That's one of Carl's. I specifically put out there, just over a nose, shut the fuck up.

If you don't like one, shut the fuck up. And it's like always two jokes in, someone goes, not funny. Not funny or when are the jokes going to start? Yeah, great. Go fuck yourself. Well, that would be a great one. Great burn on you. I just sneak in a couple of your attempted jokes into my sentences

just to really rile you up. No, I'm just trying to look at one, number 89. It's a good one. I won't read it out because I don't want to. But the reply from Toilet Sparkle is, this is my favourite one yet, but it's the 89th joke. Please tell me 89. It's a good one.

The recipe for toast is nearly burn some bread. Yay! That's awesome. It's great. That's awesome. Well, you know, I'm glad to say you got the same taste as Toilet Sparkle. A little bit too political for my taste. Don't go on Twitter to see that kind of rot.

It's quite close to the sentences you're going to try next week, I reckon. If that was about people, that would be a racist joke. The recipe for brown people is to almost make them black. Let's put it on the record that it wasn't. Let's put that there that it wasn't. Tell them what the subtext of this is, Chandler. Do you play for the Australian women's basketball team? Oh, here we go.

Don't start that up. Don't start that up because I don't want to get into it, but I happen to be working on a current affairs... What's that on your face? That's the tattoo of the swastika, my good man. Hang on, what's that on your face? Listen, it's a great market pretending to be brown. And for listeners at home, Claire is also in blackface.

She's not. No, she's not. Let's not drag Claire into that. The blackface is the only thing that covers up the swastika tattoo. But even if she was in blackface, it wouldn't be an issue because it's fine and it's totally okay to do as long as you're doing it for a joke. Thanks.

As long as you're impersonating Kanye. Please. Please, very quickly, I don't want to get into it, but I was working on a TV show that happens to put a lot of news items up because it's a new show, and a lot of feedback was coming into the inbox that I had to tackle. A lot of people, let's say a lot of white older men from Townsville were having their say.

Probably blackface. Oh, really? Okay, just getting involved. Oh, man. It's a nice snapshot into what life is really like in some corners of the country. Like from where you're from? No. Well, maybe.

I was going to say, you're answering emails from old white men from the country. It's just you talking to yourself. Why is your family messaging you? Isn't that a John Cusack movie where he's talking to himself on the radio? It was Fight Club 2. Let's get away from that. Yeah, let's get off that yucky topic. But I'm definitely going to do it next week.

Whichever day that we don't do this on, I'll dress up in black. You're so organised with your racism. Next Tuesday I'm free. I call up 100 shades of black folks. I'm going to black up 100 times in one day. If you progressively over 100 days, this could be a challenge after the 100 sentences, each day you applied

just darker face makeup, by the 100th day people wouldn't realise that you weren't... People wouldn't notice. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's incremental blackface. Not everyone sees you every day. So a lot of people are just going to go away for a month

and come back and go, why have you blacked out? Well, obviously I'll just have to get out there a bit more. You'll have to get out there. It's like Karl Stefanovic. You know his suit thing that he did? He wore the same suit for 100 days. He just got blacker over 100 days. It's not really like that at all.

It's not. It sort of is on a podcast because you get blacker every day and no one's noticing. It's just like Karl Stefanovic on TV who's wearing a stinky is on a podcast because you get black every day and no one's noticing. It's just like Carl Stevanovic on TV who's wearing a stinky suit on a medium where you can't smell. You tricked us, Carl. Whereas if Carl hosted, if you

hosted a TV show, Tommy, and after 100 days you were like, hey guys, you might not have noticed but I'm pitch black right now. 100 days ago. That would be a great experiment. Surprise everyone who's blind. You're all laughing about it, but it is fascinating. Because at what point in the blackface,

at what level of blackface do people start registering offence, right? And if you're doing it on the Today Show, there's a lot of people who haven't quite woken up. That's exactly right. People that start noticing, I think, will be shut down by everybody else who are like, oh, conspiracy theory, oh, yeah, there you go. Body shaming, complexion shaming. Samsung and Panasonic would get a few calls.

I thought you were trying to say Sam Pang. Sam Pang would get called up. There'd be a few TV manufacturers getting the call like, Steve Price is looking a little bit, he's looking a little bit shonky this evening. What's going on there? Is this a racist conversation? I'm not sure. My feelings on this are mixed.

I don't know. Look, if you weren't here, I'd be having a lot more doubts. That's why I'm like, shit, if I just encourage this, I don't know. It was my idea. Oh, shit. I was just testing you guys. You've all failed. Oh, shit.

It'd be great though because they'd be like. Especially your unborn. Oh, my poor children. Well great though because they'd be like... Especially your unborn. Oh, my poor children. Well, let's talk about this. Let's get off this. I had a good thing to make, but anyway. I like the idea of in the middle of this process, like someone who's been overseas, they come back to Australia day 60

and they see it immediately. They're like, what the fuck's going on here? This guy's like blacking up on TV. And it's like the emperor's new clothes. Everyone else is like, man, you're crazy. Like they're writing blogs. They're like, am I the only one that can see thating up on TV. And it's like the emperor's new clothes. Everyone's like, man, you're crazy. Like they're writing blogs. They're like, am I the only one that can see that this guy on TV is just gradually blacking up every day?

It's like the dress. It's the dress. It's the dress all over again. It's the dress. What do you see, a white man or a horribly racist man? Or both. Well, look, I feel like we're ignoring Literally the elephant in the room Claire Hooper

Fucking hell Now Claire You are here on the show And you've done A lovely thing Which has come in To be on our show Despite the fact

When I texted you last night You said Sure The only thing is I might give birth Yeah well look Your second kid's meant to come earlier than your first kid and we are right on the –

Oh, I'm sorry, not before you. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I'm sorry. Okay, yeah. As in it's meant to take less time. It's meant to come out earlier and we are right – we're actually literally right on where I went into labour with my first kid. So it's like it's a miracle that I'm still

podcasting. And to be honest, I did only say yes because I was like, this will jinx the fucker out. And it hasn't. I'm probably going to go into labour like a couple of hours after it and I had to do the podcast anyway and I got all tired. Are we supposed to know what to do if anything happens? No.

I'm just going to start blacking up if that kid comes out. Incrementally. A lot of confidence you must have in us that we've spent the first half hour talking to her, blacking up and how funny that would be. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll be bringing your child into the world very soon.

Oh, God. What a beautiful environment. Because we've had a special world. We've had your first child on this podcast. Last time we were at your house, the baby said a couple of words Made a couple of noises into the mic The first baby we've ever had on the show

Was this the first bump you've had on the show? No, we've had Dill I feel like I might have been You were on I feel like you were on last time you were pregnant Yeah, I feel like I was as well Because I have a vague memory Of talking about how disgusting it was Like going, I know, isn't it revolting? Because it's still, I feel like I was as well. Because I have a vague memory of talking about how disgusting it was.

Like going, I know, isn't it revolting? Because it's still, I mean, I know it's beautiful. But I still. You have a vague memory of three childless idiots staring at you going, what's it like? It's so ridiculous. Look, it's so weird. It's so weird.

As you stand up and now hold my hand there and behind there, there's just a normal person. And then in front, it's like, what is that? It's so weird. I see you stand up and now hold my hand there and behind there there's just a normal person. There's a person in there. What is that? You are doing a great impression of a normal person with something up your jumper. Thank you. A normal person.

Yeah, you know, because pregnancy is so abnormal. It's not right. It's not right what they do. It's weird. She's fatted up. No, that's what somebody said to me recently. They said, if you were a pregnant woman in a movie, I'd be like, oh, that looks really fake.

So you're not the first person to say that I look like a fake pregger. I feel that way about maybe like 85% of pregnant women. Yeah. Can I ask, what are the perks of being pregnant in public? Like do people treat you better in certain circumstances? I also already feel very bad for not even coming to your home to do the podcast. We're here at Daslow's house.

Yeah, that's right. So you're a massive chance of having a home birth. It's just Daslow's home birth. Yeah. You know what? We're going to do it in Ballard's bed, aren't we? Yeah. When it comes to dirtying an area,

I think that would be a lovely surprise for him when he gets home from Adelaide. He'll just go, oh, yeah, days ago, hoops gave birth in there. Sorry. Sorry, Tom. Sorry, Tom Ballard. I know you live here, but while you're away, we didn't have a house party, but there is a lot of placenta on your bed.

But don't white people make food out of that? You guys eat placentas, don't you? There's placenta recipes. What do you mean, you guys? Get on AM radio. Excuse me, racist. No, no, it's not a racist. It's a thing.

Just because Tom Cruise did it doesn't mean all hollies did it. Like you can eat the cord. Like apparently Brownfield eat cords. You can eat anything actually. We're savages. You're right. We should go back to where we come from. No, I never said any of that.

It has been done. I didn't think it was a white culture thing. I thought it was a – An everybody thing. I thought it was a left – Like an extreme left it was a white culture thing. I thought it was a – An everybody thing. I thought it was a left – like an extreme left-wing part of white culture appropriated from another culture, isn't it? I don't know. Isn't it like – it's really good for you, isn't it?

Yeah, a lot of – Tommy, a lot of things are good for you. You can eat a balanced diet and not have to eat placenta. It's not – I can't see it on the food pyramid and I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, that's a good question. I would like the facts on this. If I chow down on some placenta, how many serves of veggies and fruit is that knocking off of the week? Yeah, put it up on the Macca's menu.

How many kilojoules is that? There's an article here, four ways to eat your placenta. Man, the real risk though is what if you develop a real taste for it? What are you going to do when it runs out? There's probably a market for that. When you're looking through the freezer going, is it all gone, Dal? So you're not going to eat it?

Are you going to eat it? No, I wasn't going to eat it. I'm sure there's probably – you could probably eBay that shit. Yeah. Do you really – do you think – Put it on Gumtree. Let's just give it out at a live show. Ronnie's given us his underpants.

The only way we can go up from there is to give out placenta Just like Ronnie's It's the least I can do for you cunts Just like Ronnie's stuff at a live show We'll just throw it out into the audience I will go to my lovely private hospital And I'll tell my nice midwife I'll say no Actually can you save that

It's for a podcast. It's for a podcast. Me and Carl can eat it Lady and the Tramp style and then for the kid's 21st birthday you can bring us out as a big surprise. Carl will be 90 years old. It'll be great. Oh, no. Nazeem, I do know one person that did it.

Really? But I think they got it turned into pills or something. Were they? You can make it slightly less. I fucking love my kids. I don't know what they do. I honestly don't know. There's some sort of thing.

You dehydrate it and turn it into pills. I don't know. So you can. And you know when you said you guys do that? I think you're thinking of his dogs. Oh, here we go. But that's true, right? Do dogs eat human placentas?

Dogs don't eat anything. Dogs eat their own placenta. Don't, when a mummy dog gives birth to her puppies, doesn't she get the placenta? I'm pretty sure that happens. Oh, that's one of the least disgusting things that dogs eat, sure. What are the other things that dogs eat? Of course they eat placenta.

Anyway, you can. It's totally fine. But I don't know what. I certainly haven't signed any paperwork to get that. Because isn't there a real issue with hospitals giving you back your bits? Like, as in, if they take something... Oh, yeah. How would you feel if someone walked past the operating room and goes,

Hoopsie, did you guys get that? It's kind of... Well, I wanted... When I got my thyroid taken out, I kind of wanted to keep that in the jar. To eat that? And they wouldn't... Yeah, I'm numb.

They wouldn't let me. You know, there's a policy. They've got to put everything in the incinerator and allowed to take stuff home in the jar. Really? Right. Any more, I'd say. I've got this little thing here, guys.

You can see this on my head. It's been there for a while. Oh, yeah. And I think it could either be cancer or it could be just a fat thing. Yeah. But I want to see what it is when they take it out. Why are you bringing this up on a podcast? Go to the fucking visual.

He's trying to see if we offer to eat it. I don't know. Would you guys eat it? Just chomp it right off my scalp. All right. I know we do podcasts. We're not that bad that we'll eat anything that you guys get taken off your body. I thought you guys were hungry.

Yeah, but let's all pick one thing and then we'll decide as a group which one we would eat. We're not. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. We won't eat everything. I mean, my placenta is going to be a whole lot bigger than his head bump. So we'd rather eat his head bump because he'd be gone in a jiffy, right? No, but then only one of you can have it.

Yeah, this is a great hypothetical. I reckon it'd be like a... Claire's placenta or Nazeem's head bump. No, it'd be like a never-ending gobstop. I don't think he'd be going in a jiffy, right? No, but then only one of you can have it. Yeah, this is a great hypothetical. I reckon it'd be like a Clare's placenta or Nazeem's head bump. No, it'd be like a never-ending gobstop. I don't think you'd be able to it's just going to be

Give me a proper turn around and have a better look at it. Oh, okay. It's not small. It's noticeable even in like press photos

where they try to make me look good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, but that's alright. So, I used to have one of them there and I got it taken off. Did you? Yeah.

Did you get to eat it? I didn't. I actually didn't ask what was being done with it afterwards. It was just on your nose. Was there any? Up in the corner of my eye. What was it? What was it called?

I called it Jeffrey. I don't know what you mean. I don't know. No, I thought they might be like, oh, that's a... A bit of cancer? That's a subcutaneous... Oh, yeah, well, they tested it or whatever. They just called it a lesion.

Like, that's... Okay. I think that's a nice word for wart I assume is this like semi recently I think I remember like maybe two or three years ago we just need to go back and look over his

comedy festival posters don't we pinpoint the exact moment it went away Carl Chandler is Nelly oh yeah that's why the bandage was there spot the difference Over years Yeah Well His face is getting

Progressively darker What's going on there And he's just getting Less warty Okay I'm going to pick Nazeem's bump to eat No offence to the placenta

Yes I can close my eyes And pretend it's a chocolate bullet So that's what's getting me Throw it to the back of your throat Nom nom Yeah But you As somebody You know as a sickly child,

you should be looking for the high nutrition. Are you like current sickly child? What vitamin is in warts, by the way? Well, exactly. It's got to be high in protein. I'm saying I'm offering something great with a placenta. But also, let's just say let's not eat my placenta and move on. Okay.

Well, if you insist. Speaking of not being able to take things home in jars, when I was sick as a child, I had like a little pipe that came out of my chest. I've still got like a scar from it. And that was because they were like constantly hooking me up to drips. So it's like they don't have to give you a needle every time. I had it in for like two years and then they took it out and like two years ago when my parents moved house,

I was helping them pack up and I found it in a Ziploc bag. Like dad's held on to it and I was like, why on earth have you still got this in the house? And he's like, ah, you never know. I'm like, oh, what? What, in case I get cancer again? It could just be a cheapy, like, reinsertion? Nah.

Don't pay for the pipe the second time around. That's how they get you. Oh, shit. It's planned obsolescence, mate. It's bullshit. Do you get money for it if you recycle it over in Adelaide? Is it like, you know, is it like a can of coke? A can's worth like five cents.

I'd want two bucks for the pipe. Yeah. Yeah. Gross. Isn't that fucked up? Just in a Ziploc bag in his... Nah, I think it's adorable. So where did the pipe go

It went into your esophagus I have no idea It just went into you It was like Here we go Can you see that Would you eat that Off my body

That's hair I did not know He was so hairy Those are pink nipples Those are really pink No that's the That's the mark I would eat your nipple

That's the mark there If you fried that nipple With eggs And sausage I'd eat that Oh really. If you fried that nipple with eggs and sausage, I'd eat that. Oh, really? I think you just want to eat eggs and sausage. Listen, I'm saying if I had to choose a body part. He's going to eat my cancer wart. Don't look at me weird, Claire.

Oh, my God. I hope you don't have genuine head cancer. I mean, I hope so too. But you might get yourself a special out of it. It might be a great new hour of comedy I mean if you gave birth on this podcast And you died of cancer in the middle of this podcast Like at least it'd be you know

Closes the door and opens the window We'd have to get other guests to finish this episode I guess one would be given Oh what if your spirit went into I don't know What if she gave birth and I died of cancer at the same time

I'd have to call a kid Nazeem wouldn't I yeah you'd have to call like I would have to have you considered yeah yeah because

Nazeem can be a female name as well right yeah Nazeem Nazeema just chuck an A on that no I've definitely seen a female Nazeem might have been with an S

but oh just whatever I'd be flattered you know what yeah do it it's not alright okay but that's not. All right.

Okay, but that's not a consideration. That wasn't on the list. I haven't run about on my husband. Do you know who it is? Yeah. It's a girl. Oh. Yeah.

It's a girl one. And here's the thing because I was always like, I don't find out because it's a great surprise. And then my husband made this point. Weird idea, by the way, but anyway, go. My husband made this point, which was, but it's a surprise whenever you find out. Yes.

Right? That's true. So just have your surprise whenever you want. Yeah. So we just had the surprise. No, but that's. And honestly, when Penn came out, the first kid, it was like it just seemed like a better way to share out the surprises

because all in that moment you're like, what? What happened? She's out. What is she? You know, you don't even care that it's a – Well, you know that it's a she because you used that pronoun. All right, fine. I find that bizarre.

Look, my acting isn't great. My point is, you know, like when the kid came out, it seemed like the least surprising bit of it. So if you want to take joy in the gender, the moment of birth is actually, there's kind of way too many other things to consider. You're probably just too messed up at the point anyway. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with not finding out either, but the second time around we were just like,

hmm, we'll just find out now. So how did you find out? Oh, well, because I got, like, found out I was pregnant a few days before taking a really big gig in Sydney. Had to move up to Sydney for six weeks and was working on Bake Off. And it was right over that period where you're not meant to tell anyone except people do but it's like not a set that big. Not like a whole set full of camera people and producers and food workers and contestants and stuff.

It was like, all right, I'm just going to sit on this and I'm not going to – so I didn't see a doctor or anything and it was like I had – and then we had to – we were going overseas almost immediately after getting home. So I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this is such a boring story. No, no, I'm actually quite genuinely interested. So basically what happened was –

It's almost like the 21st. Shut up. Came back from – Eat a body part of ours. Came back from Sydney, had three days in Melbourne before going overseas. So all of the seeing doctors, getting a blood tested and finding out if the kid looks healthy and viable and genetically sound, all that stuff's meant to happen a little bit more slowly,

but it was like we have three days. So they did one of those blood tests where they find out the entire genetic makeup of the child, which is super creepy that they can do that and then turn it around and call you before you go overseas and go, here's everything about your kid. That's great. But that's what happened. What's better than that?

That thing about when people don't want to know for a surprise, I just find ridiculous. Do you? Like your baby isn't Santa and your vagina isn't a chimney. It's not like a, oh, it's Christmas Day, let's see what happens. You know what I mean? Like, I think you should know what's going to happen. How many retweets did you get on that?

Don't you think that's just a, it's like a very weird way of going, you know, it's just major things happening in your life. Say it again. Just say it one more time. Tweet that right now. Just tweet that right now with no context. Under one. If you're, what is it?

Your baby isn't Sandra and your vagina isn't a chimney. Yes. That holds up as a metaphor. I think. Is that how they get babies out? They just put a bit of milk and cookies just at the end of the stirrup. But only if you believe in them. And you listen for the sound of reindeers hooves on the roof.

Fuck, there's all this coal in my uterus. Who are the reindeers in this metaphor? Is that the dad? I don't know. I think that was a bonus. There's like seven reindeers. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that doesn't sound essential. I think there's more problems with the rest of it. Also, Santa's more about getting in than getting out. So it's just that.

You know, like it's all a bit. Yeah, Santa is all about getting in and staying in and leaving stuff under your indoor tree. Yeah. But don't you. Is that what your people call our Christmas trees? I don't know. I don't know why you guys worship trees, but...

Fuck Santa. Yeah. But isn't that a weird thing to go, this is a major part of your life, but don't tell me until it pops out? Like, is that weird to be completely underprepared for something that's going to change your life? It's just people who like surprises, don't you?

Oh, well, I mean, the argument would be there's not much preparation required for the gender of a newborn child. Okay. Oh, blue versus pink. Oh, well, I mean, the argument would be there's not much preparation required for the gender of a newborn child. Okay. So, you know. Oh, blue versus pink. Oh, mate. The paint on the walls and stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't. I guess so. I didn't buy into that sort of thing. Did you paint the room pink? She's still got a pure white room. She's got blue curtains. The best kind of room in my opinion.

Of course it'd be a pure white room. I've got to let this shit go. Save a few sneaky sentences. Been a couple of you and me trying to get through the same doorway at the same time so far. Oh, that might be what happens later on. Twins. Twins and chairs?

No, twins. No chance of twins for the Three Stooges. So today is when it's due? No, no. Due date is Friday. Oh, weeks away slash 36 hours away. Yeah. Due date is Friday but like I said, usually second one is…

Sooner. …sooner than first one and Penn came like a bit early. Do you have private health? You know like where you get a hotel room in a five-star hotel? Yes. Can I just tell you? I never – I mean I got private health insurance at some point in my life and because i don't know if you do do you do that thing where you like sign up for insurance and you're like i don't know if i need this but you sort of just

think of it occasionally as you're falling asleep and forget to do anything about the fact that you don't need anymore and then finally when i got pregnant i was like i am reaping the rewards like i've never even had that you know that free dentist or that free optometrist like i never do anything with it. But man, you cash in when you're pregnant and you go private because you're in your own bedroom. Can you go early or can you only use it after? What?

So can you go now to that hotel room and go, well, I'm actually a Jew? No, I can't. Oh, really? Just as soon as you find out you're pregnant and go live there for nine months. Yeah, she's going to live in there for nine months. I want to live in here for nine months. It's so good though. It's so good.

Do they pay for them? The baby's got to come out. Do you recommend having a baby just for the hotel room? Oh, totally. You've got to do – they've got to tick some boxes. You know, like they just go, all right, that baby seems fine. Let's check its hearing. You know, they just sign off on it.

And they go, all right, you seem to be fit and healthy. Well, it's cheaper for them to put you in the hotel room. In a five-star suite. It's really nice. I had a view of the Yarra and Flinders Street Station. Is it a hotel anywhere near the hospital or is it just a general hotel? Ish. Yeah, like a short drive.

They put you in a lovely shiny car and drive you up to the hotel and then every meal is like, you know, when they wheel in a trolley with a white tablecloth on top. You know where it's just – I'm not saying that that is – The galosh? Is that what it's called? The big silver? Galosh.

Galosh is a boots, aren't they? Galosh is a boots. You ordered the wrong thing. Clash and a cough. But if you want that, you know what? It's a good hotel and I'm sure they'll find it for you. I reckon a lot of pregnant women would have cravings for everything. All sorts of weird things.

So, yes. Could I put my placenta in a galosh, please? When you go from the hotel to the hospital to have a kid, can we go into the hotel and record a podcast in there? Yeah. Is there any chance? Look at her face. Buy some pornos on the in-house movies?

Yeah, okay. That would be a great thing at checkout, wouldn't it? Yeah. You need to have a kitten ripping into the porno. While you're eating its placenta. I think the baby's crowning. Quick, buy Anal Adventures 34. Can I give you some quick birthing advice?

No, just sort of something that'll be real good. Okay. So if it happens on Friday, and make sure you're filming this, like when you're done, what's the term, pushing it out when it's done. So you film the whole thing and then you look down. I feel like we're being real crude.

What's the term? You look down into the camera and go TGIF. Put that out. That'll go viral. I promise you that'll go viral. Okay, that's great. I do really like it. My mum and me will pick that up.

It'll be everywhere. I like it a lot. Oh, hang on. Wade wants to do a bunch of thumbs up selfies in front of the process. Oh, really? Get Wade to get Snapchat and I'll follow him. So we can all follow along at home. Has anybody Snapchatted their own...

Oh, definitely. I'm sure they have. Somebody's got to have Snapchatted first. Hey, look, just putting it out there. You haven't said you've got a name for the baby yet. So just putting it out there. You do listen to the podcast. Tim?

Is it a girl's name? No, it's not a girl's name. Tim's close to a girl's name No it's not a girl's name Is it What's Tim's close to a girl's name Surely Is there Is Tim a derivative Of any girl's name

Is there Tina Tina No Got Tina Got Timer Tim Tim's

Tim It's 2016 And we are being Very gender discriminatory T-Y-M We've got Tim T-Y-M Let's say Tim is a girl's name

From now on That's something Tim's pretty cute. That's cute. I feel like there's something there. You know, like I feel like there's a... Team. ...to meet a...

You know, there is... There's somewhere there is. It's worth it. And also you can just name them whatever you want. The problem is, Tommy, that I quite like the non-specific gender name, but it just seems like a very Hollywood thing to do, to call your little girl James or Elliot. You know what I mean?

James is a non-gender specific name? James is traditionally a boy's name. Wasn't it Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, didn't they call their little girl James? It's just a real celeb thing to call your little girl a boy name, which is fine. And I'm kind of on, well, actually PETA is a female. Michael?

I don't know any Michaels, but there's a handful of really, there's a handful. Oh, mine is Micah. Yeah, anyway, I really like it in theory, but something about it still feels massively pretentious because it's such a celeb thing to do. Yeah. Yes. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes.

All right, look, probably don't call your girl Tim then. That's fine. That's fine. Call you know what I'm saying? Yes. All right, look, probably don't call your girl Tim then. That's fine. Call it Pilot Inspector instead. What? Jason Lee has a kid called Pilot Inspector. Oh, yeah. He does too, yeah. And does he have another kid with something?

But Pilot Inspector's the good one, isn't it? Nick Cage has a bunch of kids that are all named after comic books, I think. I think he's a big Superman freak, so I think his kid's called Kal-El. Superman. Wade and I are going through the biggest Cage phase. How good is it to just – you go into Netflix and you find the Cage movie with the lowest star rating that you haven't watched yet. You just settle in for a great night.

Yeah. Can I say – Have you seen Season of the Witch? No. Is that what it's called? Good. Amazing. I don't want to see any of it.

I had someone message me – So good. Because what it is is it's like a period piece. You know, like it's set in the olden days. And some people are doing quite good olden days Englishy accents and it's like really like high drama. You know, like that kind of pre-scene before the actual story starts where they're trying a witch and dunking her and burning her,

blah, blah, blah. And everybody's acting is really like pitch Shakespearean level. And then it cuts to like the first time we've seen Nick Cage. And he just turns to the camera and he talks like he's fucking Keanu on Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure with his shitty weave. Like it's just so funny. It's just you can't help laughing at Cage. What star rating did they get?

I don't know. I think it was about two. Okay. Can I say this? Just finishing on your upcoming miracle of life. Are we finishing? No, no, no. Watching Nicolas Cage movies.

Yeah, putting it to bed. It started turning into Nicolas Cage, so I thought we may have been off it. So, look, your kid's going to be needing dolls soon. And, look, the listeners can't see this, but what we talked about last week, last episode, was we were mysteriously given these dolls. Yeah, let's say this. So these dolls that we talked about on the Adelaide episode,

they've been sitting on the coffee table for the entire time, six before Claire and Nazeem arrived. Both of them walked in and neither one commented at all about how these dolls have been. I think they're amazing, but I didn't know they're after... Let's be clear that these are the dolls of Tommy and I I think they're amazing but I didn't know they're after, are they made? Let's be clear that these are the dolls of Tommy and I when you're older. No, which one's which?

That is the meanest thing anyone's ever said about me. Bullshit. It's a talking Tom Yeah, yeah, listen. Oh, I didn't know they talked. We'll do it in a minute but for people that didn't hear last week's episode we were sent mysteriously

these two dolls that were made of us. They're about a foot tall. That's amazing. They're extremely detailed. We've got pictures of them up on social media. They're ridiculous. They look so good. They're talking dolls.

Why would they send you them mysteriously? Look, I don't know. It's a nice surprise. It's like having a girl. If you were going to pay for it, because they're felted. They're full on. I can't stress enough's like, you know, having a girl. If you were going to pay for it, because they're felted. They're full on. Yeah, I can't stress enough how the skeleton of them, they're sturdy. They look like, for better context, I don't know if I said this last week,

but they look like if you were going to make like a Harvey Crumpet stop motion film of us. Yeah, they're good enough. That's what you would use. That's what the actual models would be. Yeah. They're incredible. And you would pay so much money to get them made if you wanted them made.

Yeah. And push yours into the mic so Claire can hear it. We'll have an example. See if you can guess who it is. All right. This is. Yeah. Here we go.

Did somebody say duck sandwich? Which is a meme that Xavier Michaelides is forcing upon me. So now he kept trying to say that's what I say and I don't say that, but now everyone's saying yes, I do say it. It's a bootleg like Thailand T-shirt version of a joke that you do in your stand-up. Yes, yes. Okay, can I play this one? Yeah, go for it.

This is the Tommy one. Give my friend Carl a call on 043. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. What did it say? That's my phone number. Give Carl a call on 043. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who do you think that is, by the way, doing the voices?

Can I hear Tommy again? It's both the same person. Hey, mate. Got Tim. My best friend is Carl Chandler. So is it Xavier? Yeah, it's Xavier. Yeah, yeah.

Is it? Xavier Michaelides. So Yeah, it's Xavier. Xavier Michaelides. So he sent it to you. Cancer. I have cancer? Yeah, and then I laughed a lot. It really is you. Because I think we missed a few of the catchphrases. Since when do you wear a suit?

Yeah, once. Check out the receding hairline. This is actually Daslo's embalmed corpse at his funeral. It's great to have a doll-shaped reminder of the time I went to Nat's funeral. This isn't really good. This isn't, like, that's not Zayv's wife's work, is it? No, no, no. So you just have some stalkers.

She's handy, but... Oh, Carl! Just me and me big old dick. What, it's just me and my big old dick? I don't know that catchphrase I've missed that There's a lot to be said About the fast food that we eat

That's an even more questionable catchphrase That's the amazing one There's a lot to be said About the fast food that we eat Classic Tommy Daslow Shit Now so this is what happened We took these to Adelaide

We did a live show in Adelaide Last episode And we took these along And we had them for a few weeks. We've been sort of keeping them as a bit of a secret, as a bit of a surprise, because it's so funny. It's amazing. And so we took them, taking these, because they're actually quite fragile dolls,

and they look expensive, and they look like they're awesome. You don't want to damage them. You've got a double gin here as well. Yeah, not a double gin, a cleft gin. Cleft gin, sorry. Sorry about that sorry Sorry, mate It's actually 90 degrees off As Lawrence Mooney once described on this show

That big dildo chin Yeah So We took them to Adelaide You can't put them in a suitcase Can you just move your mic to the side a little bit? Oh, it is a cleft Have you never looked at my face before?

No, I've looked at your face. It's not at your chin. Okay, all right. Just eyes upwards. Sorry, we took him to Adelaide. So we took him to Adelaide. We're very careful with him because they've got the voices. As soon as you bump them, they go off.

So that happened a bit on the way over and we talked about it and whatever. But then we did the show and then we sort of got pretty drunk afterwards. And then we didn't have a lot of time before we had to go back to the airport. So, like, we were sort of thinking we might miss the plane at one stage. Like, we had to get in the taxi and race off and whatever. So, we get there and, you know, we had a bit to drink or I had. I don't know if you had. I had to drive home from the airport.

So, I was being a good boy. Okay. Right, right, right. So, there was a great moment at the airport when we, as soon as we get there said i'm gonna go through have you checked in i said no you looked at me and immediately fucked off yes and i think that if you ask yourself and if you're true to yourself you would have done the exact same thing in that situation little tommy and zach with me in the trenches so i went oh i had to go and check in no i checked in on my phone i was genuinely stressed about missing the flight i checked it on my phone in the cab i'm saying to you just get on and check in. No, I checked in on my phone. I was genuinely stressed about missing the flight. I checked in on my phone in the cab.

I'm saying to you, just get on and check in on your phone because we don't have check-in. We'll be fine. You're like, nah. Yeah. So I'm not missing my flight when I've done the right thing, waiting for old fucking... You would if you were my mate.

Keep me coming out of my airport. He's got cancer. So anyway, we got separated because I had to go and check in separately. And then when I got out, I had to go to the toilet. And so I went into the urinals and I was like literally, the picture is it's like I'm between you two here. I was at the urinals. There's a person there.

There's a person there. What if Claire gave birth right now during this story? It's taken that long. Disgusting story about you taking a piss. I'm joking, I'm joking. So we're actually, I'm in between two people, right? Both at the urinal. Are you using the dolls to describe the urinal?

No, no, no, no. This is literally what's happening. So I'm in between you two at the urinal, right? I've got one hand. Wait, let's say this. Your bag was chock full. So you had to hold onto them. Yes.

So my bag's full. I've got that on my back. You're holding the two dolls while you... Yes. So your right hand is controlling your apparatus. One hand is, yes, is down there and the other hand is holding both dolls back to back like this. So enough about your dick. What's the other hand doing?

So it's exactly like this, right? And so I'm actually at the urinals having a wee, holding it like this. Two people are already staring at me. Two dolls in your hand. One doll that looks like you. Yeah, and they're cuddling. They're cuddling like that.

Are they in the spoon position like you're holding now? And also one of the dolls is clearly me. It's like you're getting off to the image of yourself. Yeah. I'm holding it exactly like this. It looks like you're getting fucked. Yeah, yes. No, you're doing the fucking. Yeah. I'm holding it exactly like this. It looks like you're getting fucked. Yeah, yes. No, you're doing the fucking.

Yeah, I'm doing the fucking. This is narcissist for a new generation. Except you're getting off by pissing. So anyway, I'm in between two. I'm holding it like this. And because I'm having to hold them, like I've already done now, I accidentally squeeze one of them.

Oh, no. So as I'm in between two people holding dolls, Tommy's doll says, it's just me and my big old dick. I've got cancer. Which, to be honest, is then followed by me going, ah, fuck. Which, to be honest, is then followed by me going, ah, fuck. What time of the morning is this? No, this is coming home.

This is at like 10 at night or something. Or nine at night. Yeah. I was picturing one of those all-nighters where you catch the first plane home. No, no, no. Not that bad. See, I did when you texted me to, no, I texted you something and you texted back at the time. You had your little dig about me bailing on you. And I did when you texted me to – no, I texted you something and you texted back at the time. You had your little dig about me bailing on you and I did feel bad.

But then hearing that story, it's like it's butterflies' wings, man. If I'd waited with you, that would have changed the outcome of time and that great piece of content wouldn't have happened. Thank you, Tommy. But then when we get on the plane, you turn up to where I am with the dolls and you go, some good stuff happening with the dolls already. And we walk down the plane. We're on the plane and you were sitting like 10 rows behind me

because you checked in so much later than me. I don't know if people have gotten that part of the story. But so as I'm getting into my seat. Well, you're in the emergency aisle because of your big old dick. As I'm getting into my seat, I say to you, see you mate. Have fun with your little dollies. Just trying to draw as much attention to you as I can. I then lean over and I

squeeze both of them as many times as I can. Now what I didn't know is if you push those buttons like eight times in a row, it just goes through eight of the phrases in order. I didn't know that that was going to happen. It kept going. It kept going through all the ten aisles until I got back.

I had cancer. Yeah, it's going the whole time. And again, because I had quite a bit to drink, it looks like I'm an absolute madman because I'm carrying a copy of myself, it's talking, and I'm saying, fuck, fuck, shut up, shut up. My best friend is Kyle Chandler.

I had cancer. We should rent these out to new parents for their kids to play with. Corrupt your kids with these dolls. A lot of people in the airport were absolutely fascinated by it. And I have to say, I wouldn't be surprised if we got a few new listeners out of it. Because we had to explain it. It was like, why do you have those dolls? And it's like.

It's amazing. It's for a podcast. I want a doll of myself. Someone took their phone out and like subscribed to the podcast in front of us. Oh, really? Explaining it. Yeah. You've seen the dolls.

Now hear the podcast. I went to Hungry Jack's after the toilet. Yeah. And I went there and everyone in the Hungry Jack's was fascinated. And everyone that worked there. By the way, the only reason like that didn't cause you to miss the plane was because the plane was delayed. Oh, really?

Which you didn't know when you went there. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Which I find that hilarious. Do you wear this red and blue stripy top that the dolls wear when you go out? I've seen you wear stripy tops.

No, but do you wear that same top with the doll? That one doesn't fit me in the zone, so no. Not the one. Very funny.

That was good. 102. Well, actually, look at the shoes. The shoes are amazing. The shoes are bang on. What are they? Look at that.

They're bang on. Yeah, good. You could actually take those shoes off the doll and give them to your kid in about two days, I reckon. So, yeah. Look, at Hungry Jack's, they were so fascinating. It literally got to a point where I'm getting my food

and they stopped doing it to go back into the back section to go, you've got to come out and see this. Are you serious? You've got to come out and see this. That's sick. And also, this is in Adelaide. There's a lot of weirdos already in Adelaide. Are you going to stand out as being above them in the scale of weirdness?

Okay, but why were you walking into a fast food shop holding a doll of yourself? Yeah, well, I couldn't fit them in the backpack. I couldn't fit them in there. Oh, is this the same trip or just another day out? I don't carry them everywhere I go. What were you carrying? That was in the airport. This is in the airport.

This is after the toilet. By the way, this is, I noticed, I clocked this when we first got in the taxi to go to the airport. The reason you were holding them was because your backpack was chock-a-block. I had plenty of room in mine. I just chose not to speak up because I thought something like this might happen. He's a good friend. Very good stuff. Should we, we have another update on the dolls.

Should we say that or do we want to hold on to it? If you want to. I mean, I don't think... Yeah, sure, if you want. Do we want to bring it out? Well, we found out who made them. Oh, good. Yeah.

Well, because this is the thing. We found out weeks ago and it's like, okay, well, what do you do? Do we save this? I think we put it on the show and I think that's what whoever made these would want and that'll flush people out that'll flush the makers out surely or what you can do is you can give us some clues and we're gonna have some guesses and a bit of fun with it well i don't know if you would know i don't know is it a listener or is it a guest well it's a former guest or associates yeah guest yeah current listener i I think Claire would know the person Yes

Nazeem I don't think he would know Yeah Who? Should we just say So we get a message in the week On Facebook Me and Carl in a chat A window just pops up

With a photo of My head of the doll Just on a skeleton And it's like So that just pops up And I'm like Oh fuck And it actually takes me a little while

That's a threatening message Yeah to process and and see the name. So it was Andrew Doodson from Anyone for Tennis. Oh, my God. Now defunct music duo. Did you just call him Doodson? Yeah, Doodson. Doodson.

Is it Doodson? Doodson. I said Doodson, but I still got who you were talking about. They're really good. Yeah. So he pops up and says that. I didn't know he could do felting. That's really, that's hardcore crap't know he could do felting. Yeah.

That's really, that's hardcore craft. That's usually quite an insult. Long-time listeners might remember that. I'm part of a defunct comedy duo too and I haven't made anything like that. I would say there's probably some effigies of you that have been sent to you at some stage, but security probably got rid of them. Officeworks, they introduced 3D printing. Yeah.

And they gave me a free, like I was used as a model and they gave me a free one. Yeah. So I've got a little model on myself at home. What happened? My finger snapped off. Officeworks, Officeworks. Cut the little lump on your head on the 3D model. Yeah.

Maybe it's like a 3D doll. It's actually there on the 3D model. Is it really? Yeah. I thought they'd fix it. Well, good. That means it's a good product. So Officeworks made that little, that 3D doll of you. Yeah. It's very small. I've seen that in a store. I go to Officeworks quite the noise. Well, good. That means it's a good product. So Officeworks made that little 3D doll of you.

It's very small. I've seen that in a store. I go to Officeworks quite a bit. Is it there? Yeah, I've seen it. So they've got the 3D printer just for people to use. You've got to pay like hundreds of bucks. Yeah, my brother's got one,

which means I don't need the Officeworks one because I've got to hook up. What do you use it for? To be fair, you're making your own little person at the moment. You probably don't need a 3D printer. Yeah, that's right. I am a 3D printer. I haven't used his 3D printer yet because I haven't had a reason to,

but I have used his laser. He's got a laser cutter, so that one's pretty fun. I know I'm using that for a project I'm working on at the moment. Can you make copies of credit cards with a 3D printer? Fuck. I don't know that this should be on the air. I don't know why I'm just... Can you make 3D Like can you make copies of credit cards With a 3D printer Fuck I don't know that this should be on the air I don't know why I'm just How do you make a bomb

How do you make a bomb No but you know there was some dude That printed a gun How do you kill yourself With a 3D printer Yeah that's right So do they Do they

Officeworks Do they sling you some cash They didn't sling me shit They just said you get a free model I was like yeah But then I've seen posters on myself They've exploited the shit out of that one thing cash They didn't sling me shit They just said you get a free model I was like yeah But then I've seen posters On myself They've exploited the shit

Out of that one thing And I didn't get anything From that So thanks Officeworks Genuinely thank you for the doll Because it's pretty awesome Can you text me a photo Of the doll later

I want to see the doll I've taken heaps Let's quickly We got this email From Dudeson Oh yes what happened He said So a bit of an explanation

Back in episode 33 With the now defunct Anyone for Tennis Which I was once in Along with the first Of many dumb dumb stories About people shitting themselves At Splain Comedy

Was the legendary Soundboard segment Which if anyone wants To re-listen to Had Dassolo rallying The troops to make Dolls of them Well no one ever did

So I did So a bit of backstory Early early episode Of the show Someone made a Carl Chandler soundboard If you want to go back And find that episode 33 the show, someone made a Carl Chandler soundboard. If you want to go back and find that episode 33, very funny.

I recommend having a listen. Anyone for Tennis, two very funny guys. I think they did songs on the podcast actually. Yeah, they played their songs. Back in the days when we really needed anything to fill the hour. Started the dolls in early 2015 They're making dolls. No, no, no. I'm just saying genuinely. We were like

okay, is this what podcasts do? Okay, play a song. Yeah. Started the dolls in early 2015, intending to get them to you guys for Comedy Festival last year. But turns out needle felting dolls are the likeness to someone who's fucking hard. And so for the last year, I've had the two of you dickheads in various stages of development sitting around my house. My wife has explicitly asked me several times to move them to somewhere where they weren't looking at her, especially during more intimate moments.

Oh, well, he had them bedside. Yeah, we were sexual aides for his relationship. Either he had them bedside or they're fucking in the lounge room. Or they don't have kids, do they? No, they don't. These were their kids until... So maybe they weren't sexual aids but maybe the opposite. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Yeah, we should bust out the CSI torch on these things. Oh. What? Do you want to? Do you think like... Do I want to? Oh, yeah.

Have you got one on you? Let's go. No, no, no. I'm saying would you want to? Sure. If you found blue things like that... Or like mine covered in... Would that make you feel flattered or?

Yeah. Yeah, would you want to be the one with the most cum on it or the least cum? Well, I mean, if that happened, I know for a fact that Carl spent a lot of time alone with the dolls. So I don't know if I'm getting it. You've had them for a week. I reckon there'd be more of yours on there. You know, this reminds me of a story when I was sexually objectified a long time ago. I was in high school,

Melbourne High, year 12. I used to do rowing. I was the worst rower in the boat. Anyway, the last term of the year, on the front page of The Age, there was a scandal. There was this guy who was taking photos of schoolboy football players and rowers and on the front page was our

boat and had a close-up of Dean Geyer, who's now like that famous... What year was this? This was in 2003.up of Dean Geyer who's now like that famous singer. What year was this? This was in 2003. Isn't Dean Geyer on I'm a Celebrity getting out of here this season? Is he? Yes. He's gone desperate.

I have a stand-up bit about this because that happened to my school as well. I reckon it might have been the same guy. Yeah, that's right. It happened at yours too. Yeah, so there was the close-ups of Dean Geyer and then that day the rowers and the football players all got called in

for a meeting and we got told, listen guys, it's traumatic obviously. We're going to offer you counselling. It's optional but we'd encourage

that you take it up and all the boys left the meeting and we were all like, man, we're porn stars and we went to the website and all checked out the photos for like 24 hours

before it got taken down. So it was kind of more flattering which is stupid. That's kind of the way boys think. Yeah. We didn't think that but you know what, all kind of more flattering which is stupid. That's kind of the way boys think. Yeah. We didn't think that

but you know what all the photos That literally is my bit. That's the exact same thing that happened at my school. People got very competitive about how many times they were on the website.

I actually wasn't Was it magnitude.com? I can't remember. Do you actually remember? Yeah. The website There were photos on the page.

Remember Cameraphones just came out then? What? Yeah. And there was All these photos Dean Guy had heaps of photos But there was only one of me

And it was definitely me Because I was the only brown rock It was from like Chest down Did it have the little thing Didn't have my little cancer top there Photoshopped out Because you can't jerk it

While you're looking at that That's disgusting But I'm pretty sure I wasn't jerked off over How do you know Well because I was Kind of like edge of frame But it got me

Did you bring up the photo And put the CSI blue torch over the photo and go, well, this is all clear? I don't know. But I was, you know, people were trying to like, no, mate, you got one. Yeah. People were like, good on you. You got on there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were like, oh, I would get rocks off if I was a weirdo. Oh, that's excellent. It was a great thing where at the time we just found it like very, really, very funny. Like at the time at that age and then you get out of high school and you get a bit of distance and you go, oh, wow, that's crazy fucked up.

Yeah, it's really messed up. Like really, really full on. We didn't get off at counselling though as far as I know. I mean, I'm sure that like, I don't know. Which is a good advertisement for Melbourne High. That probably says more about football players. Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Let's talk about this just to change topic. Bad conversation. Abruptly, Claire, you did my gig, Catfish Comedy, a couple of months ago. Oh, yeah? Every Tuesday at the Catfish Bar in Fitzroy.

Yeah, good night. My parents were there that night. They've been coming down every now and then. And my dad does this great thing when they come to the gig where as soon as the break is on, dad will just fuck off on mum and just leave her there by herself he'll then sort of do a lap of the room and sort of go up to everyone who's been on just give him a little feedback on their set give him a few pointers of what he liked and didn't like oh right but he struck up a conversation with you yeah he enjoyed you a great deal what sort of feedback did you get i don't know that

you would i don't think i got feedback i think i just got chat i just got chat you got hard chat and then you i so i at the you know i bring you you're i'm saying so i get up at the start of the bracket and i introduce you so people have seen me do you remember this you know what i'm going to say i vaguely because you only remember whatever happened i remember it built a lasting friendship with your father but i don't i don't remember specifics well you got on stage and you said, hey, everyone, that's Tommy Daslow who runs this room. I was just talking to Tommy's dad who's here in the break. And let me just say, Tommy's dad, way more attractive than Tommy Daslow.

Is that true? Or was that just a joke? You know what? He's a silver fox. Oh. Yeah. Daslow's dad is an attractive man. He's a good looking man.

Yeah. If I was 60 and not related to him, I would fuck my dad. I know how I feel about that. Yeah, and some other things. And some other things? You needed that counselling back at school. I'm going to put it out there. I had 80s placenta.

But yeah, that was a great moment. My dad, yeah, my dad loved it. Oh, good, yeah, yeah. My mum now wants to cut your throat. Oh, right. So if your dad's listening, your mum's never going to leave. Oh, my parents don't know how to access this. Really?

Which, yeah. Yeah, I do remember because all I know is I'm mates with your dad now. But I did invite you to a trial thing I was having and you were like, I don't know if I can make it. And I'm like, yeah, but pass the invite on to your dad. I thought about doing it but I was worried that he'd actually go and I would be so stressed about that interaction happening all night. He seems nice.

He is. He's a good dad. He's a good dad. There's a bit of weird tension in this room. There's no weird tension at all. No, I'm just feeling like this is kind of like you're vicariously flirting with Tommy's dad through Tommy. No, no, no, man.

I'm spoken for. I've got a baby up me. To prove it. Tommy's mummy got nothing to worry about. Well, should we wrap this up for this week, guys? That brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. For another week, Nazeem Hussain, Claire Hooper,

thank you very much for joining us. Thanks. You both have things coming up. Nazeem, you've got a big old national tour.

Just the usual, Adelaide Fringe, Brisbane Comedy Festival, Melbourne Comedy Festival, Canberra, Perth. Hussain in the Membrane is the show.

Hussain in the Membrane. Yeah, yeah. You've got a website, nazeemhussain.com. Nazeemhussain.com. You can check that out. Claire, you're doing a treasure hunt walking to a thing. Yeah, look, You've got a website, nazimhussein.com. Nazimhussein.com. People can check that out. Claire, you're doing a treasure hunt.

Yeah, look, I only called that, I called it that just to make it simple for you, Tommy. But it's technically an alternate reality game. But sure, yeah, it's like a treasure hunt with a narrative. It sounds so awesome. It's going to be really interesting. Naz, do you want to do the trial? Yes, I can't believe you asked me.

Can you please do the trial? Yeah, yeah, sure. It's the Thursday before festival starts. But yeah, it's every Saturday and Sunday the festival. Awesome. Yeah, one hour long treasure hunt. That'll be all on comedyfestival.com.au, I would imagine. It is.

Yeah. Along with our solo shows. Yeah, our solo shows, our podcasts every Sunday, the Carl Chandler 40th Birthday Spectacular that is happening Wednesday, March the 30th. We've got Brisbane on March 20 coming up very soon. All the tickets and all that information, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mates!