The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 283 - Dave Hughes & Ben Lomas (with Tom Ballard)

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

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This episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by me, Yellow Moose. Tom Ballard. Is that your full name now? Yellow Moose Tom Ballard? Yeah. They're advertising on me now as well. If this is how you want to do this, this is officially an ad that you, Tom Ballard, are paying us to do. If you want to fuck around and make it really confusing as to what's going on here, we're rocking on your dime, buddy. That's fine.

Rocking on my dime. Yeah, yeah. This is a true thing for the listeners. Let's give a bit of context. This is a sponsored episode. Tom Ballard has come to us, asked us if he can pay us money out of the Tom Ballard coffers and advertise his upcoming stand-up comedy show at the start of Little Dum Dum Club.

This is an official, a little bit of sweet extra content at the start before we get to our regular guest, Dave Hughes and Ben Loma. So Tom Ballard, you want to tell the listeners all about your new Comedy Festival show whilst we have a bit of fun with you. And let's just keep reminding people, you have paid for this to happen. Why? You've given us money to be on the show. What are you going to do with your share of the money?

Well, I'm going to take my half plus a little bit more that I get as a bonus for having a proper voice on this ad, whereas I don't know what's happened to yours. Is this a demand? You said, I'm going to spend sweet bunts, but I want Tommy's voice to somehow sound even more fuck than normal. I assume your voice is wrecked from laughing at a Tom Ballard comedy show, Tommy. Is that what's happened? Well, this is actually in this episode that you're about to hear.

I talk about how I'm about to go to a wedding and I'm now back from the wedding. So this is like memento podcast. We're starting with seeing the result of the story and later on you're going to hear the beginning. I don't know about anyone at home, I've got a real hankering to watch a Tom Ballard comedy show so far one minute into this. Good. Money worth it. Speaking of weddings, there's nothing I like more than the marriage of my

money into a ticket to a Tom Ballard comedy show. Jesus Christ. I don't believe in that sort of marriage. I'm not. So what have you got What have you got For the folks this year Well I just thought

I love Dub Dub And many of your Kind folks Come to my shows anyway Which I appreciate very much But this year At the Melbourne Comedy Festival I'm doing two shows

What It's madness I tell you Madness Terry two shows The same number of hosts Of the little Dub Dub Club Comedy comedy comedy, comedy.

These Tom Ballard shows won't last. You simply must get in and watch both of them, please. So you were doing a solo show and a regular... Your musing's on the world on the last 12 months. Some stuff you've observed out there as you've been walking around. Yeah. You're asking me where I get my ideas. In many ways, yes.

Yes. Yes, that's called The World Keeps Happening. It's an hour of rip-roaring stand-up comedy I've been doing in Perth and Adelaide. It was a bit shit in Perth. It got good in Adelaide and now it's going to be great by Melbourne. Okay, yeah, yeah. So if there are any memento time travellers like Tommy has been in this episode, you can go back and not buy tickets to the Perth run.

So that's good. I'd highly encourage you to do that if you can. So you're in Brisbane. You're in Brisbane and Melbourne. Yes, Brisbane Comedy Festival. That's going to be happening. But, yeah, Melbourne, the whole run for the whole festival, except for Mondays and Wednesdays.

So, yes, that's happening in the Melbourne Town Hall at 8.15pm from Thursday through Sunday and Tuesdays. Well, the good thing about Brisbane is we basically sold out in Brisbane. So people have all bought their tickets in advance for Brisbane. And we didn't even need to advertise on a podcast to do it. Yeah. They've got all the listeners out there that have already sold our shows out. They've got all this sweet cash jingling around in their pockets

they've been earning for the last couple of weeks. They can go and see you, Tom Ballard. Great. Yeah. Great. Or they can use that cash to fly down to Melbourne and see the show in Melbourne. Or they can use that cash to develop a time machine

and go to Perth and warn everyone. Or they can spend it on yellow mousse. Very good. So, yeah, so you're doing two shows in Melbourne, and so the second show that you're doing, tell us about that. Well, this is a show I received a moose head grant to put on this show. The moose head are a regular thing that they run at the comedy festival. They give little bits of money to comedians

who are doing something a little bit different, a little bit ambitious out there. Just like yellow moose who give us money for doing something a little bit different, a little bit fucked. All right. I want some of my money to go to Yellow Moose. They deserve it. The show is called Boundless Planes to Share

and it is a comedy lecture about Australia's treatment of refugees. Sounds hilarious. It writes itself. Yeah. What could go wrong? Dear God. I'm only doing 11 shows of this one. I'm really proud of it. It's a topic that shows of this one. I'm really proud of it.

It's a topic that is obviously very dark, but I'm very passionate about it, and I have a firm belief that you can get funny stuff out of it. And that's what I've done. I'll say this. I came and saw a very early trial of it. What, like two months ago now? So quite a while ago. Yes. And it was way too long,

and you seemed to... There were big points where you seemed to not know what you were doing But it was clear That what was there Was very funny And that it Hang on hang on We've got the money already Have we got this cash

No what I saw In that earlier version Was great Was really really great And that's By the way That is a great moment That's a great point

That he's been working On it that long Because generally Everyone else Does a comedy festival show And starts writing A couple of weeks before. So if you were working on that that long ago,

you got your shit together. Any people in this room that you can think of as an example? Well, look, can I buy an ad for my own show now? I got halfway through writing The Refugee Show and I thought, oh, fuck it, I'll just get a comedian to sit on stage and sort of heckle me throughout as I do the jokes. That'll be good.

You should get a politician on stage to do that. Just get Scott Morrison on stage. Hanging shit on my phone. We need to respect the refugees. Boo. Fuck you. As if that wouldn't be the best show. I would love that very much.

That would be amazing. That's final night. You've got to do that. Yeah. I'll give him a call, see what he says. The wonderful Scott Edgar from Tripod is my director for this show. He's a hilarious man, obviously. Tripod's celebrating 20 years this year,

and he has this incredible brain, and he's been able to tell me, nah, Tom, that's boring and not funny. And all the three guys in Tripod are all refugees, so in many ways he's the perfect person to direct the show. In many ways. Yeah, no, I'm really proud of it, and I would love people to come along.

I'm only doing 11 shows at the Comedy Festival That's on Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays Saturdays, Sundays at Trades Hall And Monday nights in the Town Hall in the Supper Room Now, this is what I think you should do Like, sometimes, you know, where someone's a bit worried About where their advertising dollar is going Or whether it's working

Whether this is actually an effective way of advertising You can find out how many people are coming into your show. I think everyone that buys a ticket off the back of this ad can go in and just scream a word at you during the show maybe. And they come in and halfway through the show, they just go, Timmy Billions. And then you go, sure, that's ruined the show, but I know that they've come off the back of Dunlop.

I know my advertising dollars are working. It's like the opposite of a safe word. Yeah. I like it a lot. It's like the opposite of a safe word. Yeah. I like it a lot. It's good. That's a horrible idea. Clearly they should yell out Terry Tuchos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or maybe just wear one of our shirts. Oh, yeah. Okay. Have you been able to look out into the crowd every night? You know, when you ask for the house lights to come up and you walk through the audience and you're doing your little shows. Just have a little clicker

and count the number of T-shirts I can see. Yeah, do that. Well, yeah, that's a good idea. Or you could buy a little clicker and count the number of t-shirts. Yeah, do that. Well, yeah, that's a good idea. Or you could buy tickets, come along and shut the fuck up. If you'd gone to Tom Ballard's show through this, sneak some McDonald's into the theatre and that's how you'll be able to know by how many Big Macs you can smell how many Dum Dum listeners are in the crowd.

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like good stuff. Yeah, do some way of going up and letting Tom know after the show or something. Go, yeah, we heard you on Dum Dum Dumb Club. Do something, you know. Let him know that this has worked. And let's say this too. I mean, you know, we have it's coming up to that time. So everyone we have on the podcast as guests, they're all plugging their shows.

So you're about to hear an episode with Dave Hughes and Ben Lomas. They plug their shows at the end of the episode. They didn't pay us for that. They just got it for free. Don't go. So if you're thinking they were good and you were going to buy a ticket to them, buy a ticket to Tom B a ticket to Tom Ballard instead Yeah Yeah

And also fuck Carl and Tommy shows off too In fact if you've already bought Hey they are way ahead of that If you've already You know what I'll do a deal You can take tickets to Carl and Tommy shows And you can hand them in Give us 20 bucks

And I'll get you a shit ticket Oh a rebate deal That's great A buyback scheme. It's a recall. Yeah. That would be so funny if you took an ad out in the guide of the comedy festival.

A price match guarantee. Bring any of my competitors' tickets to me and I'll let you into my show. We won't be beaten on price. I'm doing it. We won't be beaten on laughs. Yeah, I'd love people to come along. And also, you know, just want to let people know

that at the start of the festival in sort of the preview shows, tickets are really cheap. They're $22 across the board for everybody. So that's the first four shows of The World Keeps Happening, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and the first three shows, the Saturday, Sunday, Monday of Boundless Planes to Share, all tickets $22. And those dates are like late March.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So start on the 23rd, don't we? No, 24th. Sorry, you're right. You're absolutely right. March 24th, in the next couple of days, that first week, get on there because, look, throughout all the Comedy Festival, tickets are at their cheapest then.

So especially with Tom Ballard, you know that they're extra cheap in that week. Is it a coincidence that those preview prices of $22 is the exact same amount that you're paying us to advertise on this? Seriously, if three people buy tickets for this, I'm up on the deal. I'm fucking up. Carl, what are you going to do with your $11? I am going to, what would I do?

$11. I might. Who cares? Go to comedyfestival.com.au and buy your Tom Ballard tickets today. If you want to see a higher level of improvisation than what just happened there, go and see Tom Ballard at the Comedy Festival. Hang on, I got it. I got it.

Space jump. I got it. I'm going to buy a chocolate cake. Worth it. Very worth it. It's a big chocolate cake for $11. Yeah, but they're pretty expensive. You go into those nice ones.

I cannot resist. You go past a cafe and they've got refrigerated desserts in there. Yeah, you love it. I often catch you sticky-beaking in the bloody fridge over there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, nice cold. The more chocolatey the dessert, I get that. Nice, really thick, rich, cold chocolate cake. I really get into that.

Yeah. So, yes, that's what I'm going to do. And wait, should we also just, I mean, as is proof of this, we are just up for sale to any bidder at the moment on this show. Just anyone who wants to come in here and have a chat. Look how desperate we've got. And welcome this guy into our world. No, that's not true.

No, but I know your listeners are comedy fans. And as I say, a whole bunch of them come out all the time to see, maybe not you guys, but yes. They come to the podcast. Which is great, yeah. The podcast, obviously. And they are the best. They're comedy-savvy people.

And yeah, I'm really proud of these two shows, and if they want to come on down, I'd love to see you dum-dummers there. And that's the thing. The only other thing that we've advertised is Yellow Moose. And people have gone, okay, you're selling out, and then they all buy Yellow Moose and go, holy shit, this is actually awesome. So you're've advertised is Yellow Moose. And people have gone, okay, you're selling it. And then they all buy Yellow Moose and go, holy shit, this is actually awesome. So you're the equivalent of Yellow Moose.

I'd say my comedy is the Yellow Moose of comedy. I'm looking forward to, in the same way with Yellow, people sending us photos of you with a spoon in you. People complaining that it's a little bit expensive. What else have you got in the old marketing plan out of interest? This is it, actually. Wow. Nice.

I've pulled all posters and flyers. I've burned them. How about this? How about this? We refund the money that you've paid to us for this, and you do an ad for us when you do the gala on TV. Like, just in the middle of your spot. I will wear a Dumb Dumb Club

t-shirt on my gala. I would happily do that. Fuck! As long as I don't have to pay for it. Okay, yeah. No, I don't know about that. Markups on these shirts are pretty high. Oh, no, yeah, let's do that.

If you're in for that, I'm fucking well in for that. Which one have you got in one? Look, we'll be generous. We'll let you decide which design you get to wear. If you're in for that, I'm fucking well in for that. Which one? Got him one? Look, we'll be generous. We'll let you decide which design you get to wear. Thank you very much. Well, last year on The Gallery, I wore a It's Time T-shirt, you know, Gough Whitlam's slogan. Gough Whitlam's shows for the Comedy Festival sold out after that.

Sleep plug. And then he died and they had to cancel. But I wore that and it infuriated Roddy Chang. Oh, really? He said, why? Why are you wearing this? What's that fucking shirt you wore? Free the whales or something?

Free the whales. What was his beef? The fact that you were doing something in any way political on your chest? His beef was something happened in the world. That usually gets him angry. Free the whales.

So let's reiterate that. Yeah, the world keeps happening. 8.15pm in the town hall. And if you are of a political bent, please get into Tom's second show. And it's on sort of different times than many other shows, especially on Mondays. There's not heaps of shows in Melbourne on Mondays, so it's a good choice.

Yeah, right. It's a good one to go along. Saturday, Sunday is the early show, so it's 5.15 Saturdays, 4.15 Sundays, 8.15 on Mondays. But all this stuff is at a good one to go along. Saturday, Sunday's the early show, so it's 5.15 Saturdays, 4.15 Sundays, 8.15 on Mondays. But all this stuff is at the website, comedyfestival.com.au Punching Ballard and you're going to get those two sweet little ones

coming up there, side by side. Which show's better, do you think? I'm kidding. Don't answer that. I'll pull up the ticketing report. They are both of the highest quality. Who's your favourite child? Okay, what have we got? We've got...

We're getting very, very close to our Brisbane live dates. Yep. March the 20th. Well, just one date, but multiple shows on the one date. March the 20th at the Hayabar. 1.30pm. Very, very close to selling out. Yeah, literally about two or three tickets left.

So get in there. If you're hearing that, get in there right today or it'll be all gone. However, we have plenty of tickets surprisingly left for our live stand-up show at 4.30pm. We've still got plenty. We've actually sold plenty. Fuck, when can we take out an ad? Yeah. What are we doing?

Right now. This ad is brought to you in the middle of an ad by the Little Dumb Dumb Club. You need to advertise in the trading post or something. Yeah. Get the word out there. So that's fine though. So Brisbane, you've taken care of yourself there. It's going to be awesome.

We've got some great guests locked in for both podcasts. So it's going to be awesome. And then on to Melbourne. We go to Melbourne like a week later. We start our first live show on the 27th. Yeah. And again, we've locked awesome, awesome international

famous people in for all four podcasts already. So get on, get your season passes, 60 bucks, and you get to go to all the podcasts. You get to go to the drunk cast.

Then separately, or get your separate tickets if you're coming down for a weekend. Got a lot of interstates coming down just for one weekend, which is awesome. Then we've got

my birthday show. If you don't have a job especially and you want to write yourself off on wednesday 30th of march 11 p.m on a wednesday yeah it's selling as well as the other ones surprisingly enough yeah it's still selling well though it'll be full yeah it'll be full don't worry about that um so come on to that it's going to be and i'm sort of thinking are we actually going to record that one i mean i guess we are i guess we'll see how it goes. You're going to do a roast for it, aren't you, Tom?

Well, yes. I've been writing some bits and pieces. Good. Because you said this to me the other day, because this is a thing that's been happening regularly, you, Carl, on the show, because we just record in this house where me and Tom both live. You keep making these bizarre cracks about Balad

when he's not even in the room or in the house and you listen every week Tom, so you've heard this. I'm a big fan. And you've been texting Carl saying boy I'm waiting, I can't wait for this. Just been spurring you on. The classic Ballard burn, oh Ballard's in the next room, he is the next room.

What? What are you talking about? Well yeah, it's just good. It's just another great reason to look forward to turning 40, just knowing I'm going to go into a room with all my friends and they're going to be trying their hardest to insult me. So it's good, yeah. Which is pretty close to a normal Double Double Club recording.

But, you know, the tradition of the roast, of course, is everyone hangs shit and then you write a reply. So you've got to bring it home with the Carl Chandler response. He's done that already. Which, yes, yes. You've been doing proudly for 10 years. We've been living in a decade-long right of reply. Again, it's memento.

The end's happened at the start. I didn't really think about that. I'd better get to work. Yeah, man. Yeah. Oh, cool. All right. And if they could be a little bit more than, you're an idiot, you dumb get to work. Yeah, man. Yeah. Oh, cool. All right. And if they could be a little bit more than,

you're an idiot, you dumb cunt, that'd be great. Okay. I'd like to go with what works, but all right. All right. All right. So there's all that. And plus our solo shows. Go and see the solo shows.

My one, Carl Chandler, Defensie Styles World's Greatest and Best Comedian, is coming together very nicely. I'm going to have a lot of my favourite guests coming in from last year and a lot of new ones. Yeah, and I've got my show, Little Golden Dazzler, which is me doing a show and everyone in the audience has a little picture book and they read along

with my little jokes as I do them on stage. All right, Tom Ballard, thank you. Thank you, boys. I appreciate it. Yeah, and just very quickly, let's just wedge this in. The Patreon subscribers, let's do this. let's name a few uh for this week ebony dawn thanks so much you're the person you're the you're the the highest subscriber you're putting in 50 bucks 50 bucks a month nice i like ebony dawn i hand delivered her t-shirt the other day she got a hello tim uh t-shirt i delivered it to her workplace the other day. Oh, really?

Did you get wheeled in a cake and burst out of it and surprise her in front of her co-workers? Yes. That's what you get 50 – you know, if you pay 50 bucks, you get a giant cake and me jumping out of it with the most disappointing thing. You're losing a lot of money on this Patreon set up. Your gifts are just way too overpriced.

You can think this through. Yeah. So thank you to you, Ebony. Nicole Villanueva. Yes. Long time listener. Yes. She's from America.

Her and her fiancé flew over to see some live shows. Now husband, I believe. They came out here for their honeymoon. Oh, that's right. Yes. It was their honeymoon. They came out and saw a bunch of shows a couple of years ago. So thank you.

Thank you, Nicole. Dr. Heilix. He doesn't give his name. Or Matthew. His name's matthew he does give his name well he's not his last name oh and it's not matthew hylix but dr hylix i don't know why you need to make your name up for a patreon account thank you to you but thank you to ben martin aka gagulma one of the bane of my text message existence um thank you to you. Thank you to Ben Martin, a.k.a. Gagulmar, one of the bane of my text message existence. Thank you to Brianna Barney. Thank you, Brianna.

I don't have any beef with you or any backstory with you. I'm sorry about that. This is the thing. People text you and they don't always say who they are, so you might. Oh, yeah. She might be an anonymous caller. Yeah, you're right.

I may have blocked you already, Brianna. Who knows? Thanks for the money. Yeah. Thanks, Alexander Goldie. You may have blocked you already, Brianna. Who knows? Thanks for the money. Yeah. Thanks, Alexander Goldie. You've probably got the coolest last name so far. Goldie. Goldie.

Thank you to Scott Ghost Davis. Just whack. Like, why do you put this in? Is Ghost in, like, quotation marks? Like, nickname style? Yes. Like Dwayne the Rock Johnson? Yes.

Ghost. So I don't know why Patreon need that information. Why do you want to put Ghost in there? I don't know why I don't know why Patreon Need that information Why do you want to put ghost in there I don't know either But I'll tell you one thing I know for sure Yes

Now that I've heard that name I'm scared That's what you get For ten bucks a month That's sort of repartee Thank you to Claire Who doesn't give her last name Thank you Claire

You know who you are It's all these people Not giving us their real names I don't know All these people on the lam Or something Yeah yeah But still want to give us Ten bucks Thirty bucks real names? I don't know. What about these people on the lam or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still want to give us $10, $30 a month,

but they don't want to give us all their details. Is this like those guys on A Current Affair that have like eight families in every different state? Yeah. They're like sponsoring podcasts all over the place. And also it feels like they were like, oh, we don't want to give our full name or we might be scammed. You guys have already been scammed.

We're taking money for a podcast. You've got nothing much more to lose. Thank you to Annette McTaggart. Thank you, Annette. Thank you to Benjamin Richards. And finally, for this episode, thank you to Jordan O'Meara. Thanks for all your cash. We're spending it very, very wisely.

Yeah. Okay, enjoy this episode with Dave Hughes and Ben Lomas. Please don't bother messaging us about how angry you are that this ad went for really long because we do not want to hear it. Yeah. And plus, there's plenty of how angry you are that this ad went for really long because we do not want to hear it. Yeah. Don't – yeah. And plus, there's plenty of – I had fun during this ad, so.

Great. All right. See you, mates. Bye. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow.

Sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. Yo, dickhead. We spent a little bit too long on the pre-show content. We've gone through a lot of good stuff. We officially stopped. We're on now. The red light's on. This is it.

The way you know is we're no longer slagging off people. So we're not blaming names. We did. That's what I thought the podcast was. Yeah, that's very true. There was a lot of... That's interesting that you thought that that was on the air, that discussion what we did that's what I thought the podcast was yeah that's very true there was a lot of that's interesting that you thought that that was on the air

that discussion that we were just having yeah speaking of that I want to just say this I want to put this out to the listeners just so you know

you know we do a lot of mucking around and slagging each other off we seem to have this thing where because we slag each other off all the time everyone that listens to it goes well I'm in the club

we can do this now as well I've copped it three times today. I've got abusive text messages. And then just on my way here, someone just came up behind me and fucking grabbed me. And then I shit myself and turn around and they go, get a, and kept walking. Great. So you didn't know them? You didn't know them?

No, no. Yeah, no, grabbing's too much. Grabbing from behind is too much. Let's quickly formally introduce our guests. We've got two huge guests today. One in profile and one in girth. Yes. First of all, you know him from Open Slather.

Please welcome back Ben Lomas. G'day, Dickens. Yeah, mate. He's losing weight. Come on. We've got to paint a radio picture for him or a podcast picture. He's lost 10. That's the first mistake you made.

Second mistake, no one knows him from Open Slather. Hey, people will be stalking me for Shane Jacobson, and I'll take it. But also, they will repeat Open Slather. You never know when it can catch fire. On planes, mate. They're repeating it on planes. Exactly.

He's on planes. Well, let's quickly say this from KISS FM in Australia's Got Talent. Dave Hughes is back in the podcast. I appreciate that. No, it's great to be here. That's true. What kind of contract are you on with that Open Slather? Foxtel, they repeat stuff until the end of time.

You don't want to be up that high in the air whilst watching Open Slather. Come on. Okay. No, no, no. No, it was a good show and fuck you. Okay? Well, we were two minutes in.

Great. That's why they take the scissors off you at security. No. No, I mean, I'm sure it had its moment. I was amazing. I didn't think you were allowed to have a bomb on a plane. Come on. Dave, it sounded like you were about to defend it. You were about to defend it,

and then you realised that you haven't watched one second of it. No, I haven't. That doesn't mean anything. I haven't watched My Kitchen Rules for one second, but a lot of people fucking do. They're giving me the shits a turn. That's not the same as Open Slather, but yeah. Yeah, exactly.

So, isn't it? I don't know. But Open Slather was, I mean. It was fun. Yeah, it was great. It was a great time. First time TV gig. It was amazing. Had a ball.

It's a paycheck. Yeah, totally. It's not just a paycheck. I mean, you've learned stuff, haven't you? I've got to learn how to act. You know, I'm a brilliant method actor now. Do some acting right now. You know, when I was doing it,

I had to do an American accent. Act 20 kilos. He's lost 10 kilos. Thanks, Yuzi. I've lost 8 and then you came over the top with 10 and you actually gave me the shit to do. Did you realise you stole the thunder? Yeah, I topped it.

I've lost 8 kilos to these guys who were being impressed and you went bang, ten. Yeah, but you don't need to lose eight kilos. Your eight kilos is like 16 kilos. My ten is like, you know, stop drinking. Yeah, and Ben, Husey's eight kilos was like in the last month. Your ten doesn't count if it was like four years ago. It's not fair to claim.

Since Jan 1, okay? Jan 1, I've lost ten kilos. I'm very proud. Anyway, open, hey. Since Jan 1, okay? Jan 1, I lost 10 kilos. I'm very proud. Anyway, open slather. What were you saying? You lost 10 kilos in one job. Were you meant to eat during that show? Because I know you put on...

Yeah, no, this is insane. How much weight did you put on from the start? Yeah, 17 kilos. Oh, wow. Sorry, this is a big... It's like a reverse Biggest Loser, isn't it? You're working on open slather, not raging bull, by the way. This is like we're back before we recorded the podcast again.

No, but this is the worst thing about it. It was like when we did pre-shoots, right, I'd lost all this weight. I'd lost like 20 kilos. And then it was like episode 18, right, and I was watching it with my girlfriend, right, and then they played a sketch we filmed the week before and I'd stacked on about 17 kilos. And then afterwards they played the first sketch I ever filmed and while we were watching it, right, it goes from I'm playing

Farmer Wants a Wife, I look like a fat-ass farmer, and it comes to me 17 kilos lighter in a suit and my girlfriend, as soon as the next sketch comes on, she just goes, oh, for the love of God. That's something about film sets though, isn't it? Oh, man. There's no one thin on a film set. Yeah, right.

Catering. Yeah, the catering. You have dessert with every meal. And it's all buffet. Yes. So you go back for seconds and there's so much waiting around. I haven't done much, just a couple of ads. But in that time, I know what it's like.

I do say that with Lomas because mid-shoot, you were explaining basically the same story to me. You were saying, I put on this much weight. While you were actually working a night job, you were doing warm-up for Dirty Laundry, and you're telling me, I put on 17 kilos. It's all the catering. It's the catering that's at fault.

If I could just get away from that. Anyway, I've got to go home now. And then you emptied a lollipop into your pocket as you were getting into a taxi. That is true. At 11.30. There's something about where you thought this is, overall it's not going that well and you need some stores for when it quits.

Because they were so, because you were, no, because you were writing and acting and it was all new to me. Yeah, right. So I was just throwing 120% in. And then my way to do it was stressless. I would just start consuming. Yeah, sure. And so much so that I remember I realised that when I'd get to set,

even the catering woman would come up and go, hey, Ben, put a couple of toasties aside for me. Oh, come on. But someone's thinking that the all-you-can-eat buffet isn't enough for you. Well, I got the nickname The Seagull, right, because I would just sit there and while I was waiting in line, I would just eat the sausages out of the bakery.

And I was like, I really need to stop eating. Just like the seagull does. Yeah, sausages. You know that snack sausages? I've been thinking about that a lot recently when I watch TV shows or movies where there's characters like eating in a scene and just knowing that they would have had to do that again and again and again. And it makes me feel ill. I did a Kit Kat ad last year.

It was online, I believe. But I love online ads. Online ads are great. Yeah, no one sees them and you still get paid. You were a pre-roll. You promoted on your Twitter. You were a pre-roll for a little bit. Every time I watched a clip on YouTube,

Husey's popping up before the video. Yeah, I was on Brighton Beach in a deck chair. No, they put a lounge chair on the beach. There was no expense spared. And I ate probably about, I literally ate 50 Kit Kats. And, like, I was really method acting. And I was like, they were going, you don't have to eat them if you don't want to.

I said, no, I'm right. I can do this. And it was, yeah, it was a big day for me. Is that what you're doing now, losing seven kilos so you can prepare for another Kit Kat? That's the old me. I wouldn't do that anymore. I'd chew on spit now. It feels like a bit of a trick question, though, because it's like the Kit Kat people who are

paying you going, hey, you don't have to actually eat and swallow these if you don't want. Like entrapment. Yeah, right. Yeah, thank God, because I hate this shit. This is disgusting. Yeah, no. It's like the ultimate test. They're going to go, well. Absolutely. I passed God because I hate this shit. This is disgusting. Yeah, no. It's like the ultimate test. Absolutely.

I passed it. I passed that test. This was the big test. No doubt about it. A lot of them. I had buckets full of Kit Kats which I took home with me. Well, we've talked a lot on the show about Kit Kats because do you know that in Japan they've got all these weird flavoured Kit Kats as well?

Like it's not just. Do they? Here it's like mint and chocolate and that's it. Over there it's like mahogany and that's it over there it's like mahogany Kit Kat wow fucking sunset Kit Kat

I've got to go to Japan they have green tea they have cheesecake they've got all these wild flavours they love it another reason to go to Japan yeah

by the way they all taste about 0.5% different from each other but they've got a different name on the packet it's like it's an eyedropper

of the little taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. So you've been hosting Australia's Got Talent? I have been, absolutely. What's the catering like? Yeah.

Because you're looking good. It's not that good, to be honest. I don't want to complain. Bombshell. This is going to get us a new idea. But yeah, and it sort of drifted off as the days went past, you know. The first day, what do you want? What do you want?

What do you want? By day five, it's like, I've got to find people. Guys, I'm a bit hungry. Is that the thing like the buffet, like in a resort, when you go there the first couple of days, you're like, fuck, how good is this? And then by day five or six or seven, you're like, well, how many times can you eat eggs? No, not really. No, I wanted the food every day, but they just couldn't be bothered bringing it to me by the end of it.

So, yeah. But I'd stay on that case because, you know, I want the enthusiasm of day one where you were rushing out to get me shit. I want that shit now. We're all the interview side stage going, yeah, yeah, so what are you going to do? Yeah, the catering's pretty shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Question one, how do you think you went? Question two, can you get me a burger? I think they should have like a hidden camera catering show, like a cooking reality hidden camera show, right? So they hire a bunch of people to do catering for like a talent show. The talent show's not really being filmed. What is being filmed is the caterers and how much everyone on set likes the food. Yeah, there's something in that.

I mean, I just think hidden camera shows everywhere. There should be, I mean, there's, I mean, whatever. In every toilet there should be cameras and we should just do shows. Yeah, every toilet. Every toilet. He's doing number two again. This is good. Now run in dressed as a chicken.

I think I saw a guy who had that idea being harassed on a current affair. Yeah, yeah. It's an idea, before his time, it'll take off, they'll be using it one day. That's up against dodgy plumbers, I think.

A current affair, once a week, they're going after someone who works in a restaurant who's been putting cameras in the toilet. I never knew that was going on

around the country so much. How much, I wonder, I've got a friend who's getting people into his, he's a single guy and he's got a two-bedroom flat.

There we go. In the spare room, he's put it out on Airbnb. Oh, yeah. It started at $30 a night, but he's got so much interest, he's up to $40 a night. And he's, you know, and he's just got these backpackers from all over the world. Wow.

And I just – I mean, I inquired. I said, have you thought about setting up cameras in there? He hasn't thought about it. He's not going to do it. You should have the option. If I got an Airbnb and if it was like half price, if you just agree to have the cameras turn on while you're in there, I'd do that.

I'd just make sure I was good. Exactly, yeah. If someone's just into watching you sleep, that's fine with me. Yeah. If I'm saving money. Yeah, absolutely. Now, you're hosting Australia Hotel. Now, hypothetically, I've got a bit of history with that TV show with me if I'm saving money yeah absolutely now you're hosting Australia Hotel now hypothetically

I've got a bit of history with that TV show yes I know you did a whole comedy festival show yeah I did there was a story so I had a very

bad experience the whole hypothetically thing just went out the window very quickly well a different company makes it now

so I can say it I can talk about it I think there's a different direction I think they're very more friendly especially the comedians can I know how tough it can I think there's a different direction. I think they're very more friendly. Especially the comedians. Can I know how tough it can be for stand-up comedy?

Yes. I would go up to the judges when I knew a comedian was going to be on. Oh, yeah, great. I would walk up to the judges during the break and say, guys, stand-up comedy coming next. It's really hard. You've seen how much I've struggled. It's really hard for these guys.

Can you be nice to them? And I believe generally they were So you didn't go up and go This guy, next guy A hack Yeah, yeah A hack Like just hit the cross straight away

Obviously I wanted to do that Yeah But Sophie Monk would take it too far And she'd go Seriously, and you can see this If you ever watch it She'd go to any comedian Or anyone who did comedy

She goes Comedy's just so hard To do here And I'd be seriously backstage Going can you you fucking – can you tone it down, sir? She'd go, it's just impossible for comedians here. Well, see, I know it's a different production company because this – I get a missed call from Australia's Got Talent and I'm like, oh, like this is a couple of months ago.

And I'm like, oh, no, they found out that I've been bitching about them in the comedy festival. And then they just ring me back. I'm like, oh, yes. And they're like, oh, yeah. on stage and then I said to him, oh, well, how did it go? And he goes, well, look, I got to a stage where I had to perform what I was going to do in front of a producer just one-on-one so already that's going to be hard. So he does it and then he ends and the producer just says, so it says here this is supposed to be comedy though. You're spending too much time with the judges

You've got to trickle that Be nice to them advice down to the producers I've said this story many times But I auditioned for Hey Hey Hey Saturday Red Faces twice Didn't get through And that's in front of That was years ago

Google it But I ended up doing stand-up on the show But not on Red Faces You got paid. You didn't get the McDonald's voucher. That's good. Jack Strom was his name, the famous guy who would get all the acts for the Red Faces.

And he would just, when I was doing my act, he was looking at a clipboard. He wouldn't look up at me. And I said to him, mate, I'm up here. Can you have a look at me? I'm doing comedy here. I kid you not, he got the security guard to walk me out of the building. For daring to go against the clipboard. For being aggressive.

Was that what it was like before iPhones? Everyone's just looking at their clipboards all the time. He's on the clipboard. You get on a tram, it's just full of people on their clipboards. Exactly, you have your clipboard. I like that this guy's got so much respect for himself. Jack Strong, the big hey-hey red faces booker, where the next person that comes in is like five people dressed up as a giant chicken

like it's not like he'd be that legendary I mean having you know having you know being a host of Australia's Got Talent I can understand

where they're coming from you just want shiny shit that you know that yeah but I mean look there's yeah it's tricky for straight stand up

comedians on shows like that because it's a very young audience let's be honest just to go back for a second maybe this is naive of me

I never realised that you had to audition for red faces i imagine oh yeah sent them a description and they went okay like it seems to have to audition to potentially to be that terrible and have a shooting on you by harry connor jr oh yeah they would look at people and go yes that is just that's the terrible ommeter they're right up there we've got to have them on right that sort of stuff yeah yeah sure. Hey, this is what happened to me this week. So I went – I've been – you guys are talking about your diets. I've been for quite a while on a bit of a bread-free diet. I've been staying away from bread for ages.

Great. Good on you, mate. Thank you. Thank you. I'm down on bread. I'm cutting down. Yeah, I'm cutting down to just one loaf a day. Got to get in early.

Also, by the way, you've got to chew. So anyway, so every now and then, like just recently, I've gone, right, gotta get in early also by the way you gotta chew so anyway so I every now and then like just recently I've gone right you know if I've been to the gym

I've had a couple of good days I go you know what give yourself a reward give yourself a little bit of bread have like a pit of wrap at Nando's

or something or like this the other day I went to lunch and I thought you know what I'll walk past this new pizza shop

right and I saw someone with a pizza at the front and I went they look amazing I'll walk past this new pizza shop, right? Yeah. And I saw someone with a pizza at the front. I went, they look amazing. I'm going to treat myself. The person or the pizza? The pizza.

So I went back and I went in there and I ordered a pizza and the guy took my order and said it'll be 15 minutes. I went, okay. So I went for a walk, 15 minutes, came back and I walked back in and there's a woman there now. And like the shop's empty, right? There's a woman instead of the guy that I'd ordered with, right? And then the woman says, because she hasn't seen me before,

she says, can I help you? And I went, oh, I've actually ordered already. I'm just waiting for the pizza. And I sort of look around, and she turns to look around, and there's only one pizza box there, and there's no one else in the restaurant at all. So there's just one there. And she goes, okay, so you ordered a pizza, right.

Okay. And she goes across and picks it up, and there's like a little piece of paper on it and she goes um can i can i take and can i get your name can i get your name and i'm like look it's clearly mine already but on top of that i didn't give my name to the guy i didn't give a name to the guy and she's looking at me and looking at note and going what's your name and name? And I said, well, it's, well, whatever I say, it doesn't matter because that's my pizza, Capricciosa, right? And she goes, yeah. I said, well, that's my pizza. And I said, just out of interest, what's the name that's on the pizza? And she picks it up and goes, a man.

So that's the sort of security system That's going on in pizza restaurants these days I do like your work Ordering the pizza And then just going on a little 15 minute walk Well what are you supposed to do? Fair enough Sit in the restaurant and wait What?

Sit still? No I've got a routine going Similar Not the same story Thank fuck I thought you were going to put a buzzer in there. But yeah, so some of them do give you a buzzer where you could possibly go for a walk.

It could help you out. But yeah. Did it really say a man? Is that a bit? No, no, no, no. I didn't make that up at all. It actually said a man. I don't write bits for the podcast.

She picked it up and just went a man. That's classic. That's good stuff. That's really good stuff. They'd say, she picked it up. And it said, amen. And it just went, amen. That's classic. That's good stuff. That's really good stuff. Don't do that when I'm on. Not tonight. Those buzzers freak me out. I'm not into it.

No, I'm not into it either. It's just a bit weird. There's still, I've had it many times. It still scares the shit out of me every time it goes off. But also, a lot of the time we had this when we went to Adelaide. We went and got burgers and they go, here's your buzzer and you go away and then they bring up the burger and then just go,

oh, well, here, we'll just clear that buzzer off. And it's like, it didn't go off. I've had it once where I was waiting for a pizza with a mate of mine and then they were just screaming out

the orders with the pizzas and they were like, family size with extra meat. I'm like, no, that must be yours, mate. I'm like, why? He goes, no reason. I'm like, family size with extra meat. And no one put it there. I'm like, that must be yours, mate. I'm like, why? He goes, no reason. I'm like, come on.

Jesus. Pizza for lunch. Pizza for lunch is a wild move. That's really set me up for a pretty breakfast. Pizza's fattening, guys. You realise this? Pizza's really fattening. I am aware.

I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to be negative. If you weigh yourself every day, pizza day, you blow the scales off. I reckon I might be off pizza forever. Really? No, it's my favourite. The last one I had, I was like, I just am sick of it. I know I'm going to feel shit after this. Every time, you just feel like...

But you've got some sort of weird digestive system, though, because you're saying pizza for lunch. I'm like, that's the best. When else would you get pizza? Like, you don't want pizza at dinner, because then you're sitting there with pizza in your gut all night. Generally, you wouldn't get pizza for dinner. I agree with what you're saying, but generally people, I think if you rang up Domino's,

they're going to be busier at dinner than at night. But if you're burning off pizza all day, like I hate the idea of eating pizza at 8 o'clock and then going, well, I've got six kilos of pizza in my guts. I'm off to bed. Then you're full. Yeah, exactly. That's the best bit. But also the orders, the amount of food that they fucking bring you.

What is going on? What, in pizza? In pizzas, I mean, yeah. You don't need the garlic bread. I used to always love the garlic bread and eat the whole garlic bread. Garlic bread is literally valueless at this point. Every pizza place is whacking in like two free loaves of garlic bread and eat the whole garlic bread and a large pizza. Garlic bread is literally valueless at this point. Every pizza place is whacking in

like two free loaves of garlic bread. Yeah. Imagine paying for garlic bread. And what kind of people would eat it? No, I love garlic bread. I do love garlic bread.

But how does the economy, you know how like people... I haven't had dessert for about two months. Oh, really? No dessert? Someone offered me an Easter egg today

and I said... Like, I'm serious. Good on you, mate. They're really. They did it for me. I was on Bondi Beach for a few days over summer, and some young surf lifesaver mocked me for being disgusting. Really? Really.

Well, he sort of did it in a fun way, but I didn't think it was funny. Yeah, yeah. Did you have a crack? No. But he actually did. I'm determined that when I see him again. Were you like drowning at the time? Was he saving you?

No, I was walking. There was someone actually drowning. There was someone drowning. There was someone who had a heart attack on the beach. Wow. It was actually Coogee Beach, this one. And you were watching with a bucket load of Kit Kats. But I was, you know, I'm enjoying myself.

But anyway, what were you going to say? Oh, what were we off to? You eating a pizza for every meal of the day. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know the economy of like, this is how they judge how all the other countries are going. You know, they say, what's the price of a Big Mac? Like in every country and stuff like that.

This is how I, this is what I've never figured out. So when I remember leaving home and moving to Ballarat when I was 17 and you'd go and I didn't have heaps of money and so I'd always go to like Pizza Haven. Do you remember Pizza Haven as a chain? $5 pizzas. Yeah.

It was like awesome. Great value. Pizzas are still $5. Yeah. At those outlets, at those like... Well, La Paquita hasn't changed. Not La Paquita, but I mean like Pizza Hut and stuff like that. That's 22 years later.

They're still $5 pizzas. The only thing that's gone up, wages haven't really gone up either, just house prices. Right. It's funny you mention house prices. Check out my show, Open for Inspection,

Melbourne International Company. Yeah, right. All about the property market. Yeah, it is. And how many minutes, rounded up to the closest minute, have you got about real estate in that show? Oh, good one, Carl. rounded up to the closest minute, have you got about real estate in that show?

Oh, good one, Carl. I'm thinking about Open Slather, right? No, I'm currently writing the show, and yeah. So zero. Okay, cool. One. I've got one. Well, it sounds like a lucky omen that you're part of another show

that starts with the word open, so it worked out well for you last time. Oh, I'm going to go kill myself. What would your advice be, Hughsey? So Lomas has put himself in the Comedy Festival Guide He's doing a show all about real estate No, it's not all about real estate Why? Were you a real estate agent?

I tried to buy a house and I failed That's pretty much it Yeah, right So that's the whole premise of the show Yeah, but I just use one word titles I say sweet My show's called Sweet Because that's how I've been answering a lot of text messages.

You know, sweet. That's good. And I thought, I really like this word. And that's the show. I didn't even mention sweet during the show. Yeah, you look a bit underbelly in the poster. Yeah, I know. That's a different look for me.

Yeah. So just no smiling. I like being the wacky guy, to be honest. This is a bit weird. But I mean, I don't know. People haven't reacted that much. It's just fucking wallpaper basically. So real estate.

What would your advice be, Hughes? We're three or so weeks out from the comedy festival. He's killing it. You're trying to say it's not meant to be about real estate. You're dressed as a real estate agent on the poster. It's called Open for Inspection. Wow, that's your interpretation. Are you passionate about the fact you couldn't buy this house?

Well, no, the whole thing is I went to the bank. The whole thing is I went to the bank and that was when I was with Open Slather, right? Yeah, yeah. So I was willing to lend me a whole bunch of cash. Absolutely. And then I went back there to seal the deal and the guy knew that the show cancelled so I didn't get my life. Oh, wow.

Brutal. So that's it. So that's the... cancelled so I didn't get my life. Oh, wow. Brutal. So that's it. So that's the, so I thought, I'll just talk about that. And there's a big call in there of him going, you're not going to work

in this town again. Where was the house going to be? I was looking at Reservoir at the time. Oh, right. Yeah, by the time you'll have,

by the time you'll get the money to get it, it'll be like a million bucks out there. You'll never get into Reservoir. Well, this sounds like a good time. I'll never have a house

did you call it reservoir did you say reservoir did you say reservoir I said reservoir don't say reservoir you're not from Melbourne are you

where are you from buddy I think you know North Carlton you are from Melbourne yeah you're a rare inner city yeah you don't say reservoir

though do you did you say reservoir well I did say reservoir then. You didn't mean to, though, did you? I don't think so. Is this coming from a place of you've mispronounced a suburb on the radio before? No, it's from newsreaders coming into a different market and just murdering the names of suburbs.

You know what I mean? For me, that's the only thing I care about in my 15 to 20-year radio career is I think I'm passionate about is getting the pronunciation of the suburbs right. And often you get live reads and they've got a suburb name on it. I'm doing a national radio show using Kate Fordle. Six checkers out. And you'll get a live read for a market like Queensland Market

and it's got a suburb on there. And I'm like, I need that phonetically written down. Yeah. Because I don't want to mispronounce Is that even a word? Is that his? Mispronounce. Yeah, it is, yeah. I don't want to fuck the name up. So, yeah. So, I'm passionate. Go back to the sales people. Guys, how do you pronounce

that word? Right. Because, you know, I, you want to sell, you know, Bunnings and whatever suburb this is. I grew up in North Charlton and, No, I grew up in North Charlton. No, I grew up in North Carlton. I feel like you're from Queensland, man. Oh, fucking hell. Why does he look Queensland to you?

No, I don't look anything Queensland. I sound Queensland, maybe. I feel like you're from the Gold Coast or something. That's not an insult, man. No, the Gold Coast is a lovely place. Absolutely. A lot of real estate up there. It's quite cheap, actually. If you're looking for a house, think about the Gold Coast. The Gold Coast is a lovely place. Absolutely. A lot of real estate up there. It's quite cheap, actually.

If you're looking for a house, think about the Gold Coast. The Gold Coast, really? Yes. You're getting houses with pools in large blocks of land. They've got the Commonwealth Games coming up. Do you know that? It's a real home of comedy up there. And they're building a tram through the Gold Coast.

There's a tram. We'll move the podcast up to the Gold Coast. We'll just have Warwick Capper on every week, I guess. I just think it's sweet. He got in early in that market. I think it's just sweet, Dave, that you think these two are in a position to buy a house. The Gold Coast, maybe one day.

I could think about it. Yeah, if it's cheap and we go in Harbswool 5-6. And remember that Airbnb for the spare rooms. Yeah. And the cameras. Yeah. And the cameras, yeah. That remember that Airbnb for the spare rooms? Yeah. And the cameras? Yeah. And the cameras, yeah. That's the thing as well.

Going back to that, who bothers putting up cameras anymore when you've got that much porn on the internet? Like, why even bother going to that trouble? Oh, because it's yours. But isn't it getting... It's yours. Yeah, that's what it is. That's his creative outlet.

Yeah, exactly. No one else is seeing it. Yeah, right. I used to work in a backpackers where the maintenance guys would do that. They'd have four cameras and they would just put them in different rooms with all the hot backpacks. But you shouldn't do it. You shouldn't do it.

We shouldn't even talk about it, really. Is it legal to talk about it? Young kids might be. I feel like we'll end up on the project like those kids from... Those kids? Yeah, imagine if any of us ended up on the project. Oh, yeah. as kids.

Imagine if any of us ended up on the project. What a turnaround going from host to subject of one of the news stories. It's a full circle. As long as you get the coverage in for the comedy festival coming up. We shouldn't be talking about this. We might encourage young kids to start setting up cameras in. We might encourage young kids to start podcasting.

Talking about their lives. Hey, let me talk about this. I'm heading off tomorrow to a family wedding in the country. My cousin is getting married. Look, it's my cousin who I'm very close with, who I used to live with. Girl or boy? Girl.

Sounds like there's an issue here. You're keen? That's what it sounds like, doesn't it? First cousin, second cousin? Does anyone object here? Me. Second cousin or first cousin? First cousin.

Yeah, first cousin. Still. And the groom. Is she hot? And the country. She's very attractive. She's very attractive. She's attractive as well.

Yeah, no, we know that. Why did I bring this up? You put cameras in her room. Yeah, it's going to be a tough day for you. It's going to be a tough day for you. It's going to be a tough day for you. The groom listens to this show, so shout out to him. Now, this will go up after the wedding. And, you know, maybe this is – well, this is definitely arrogant of me.

We get a photo of her. We get a photo? Yeah, show your photo. Wow, she's hot. Can I get one with clothes on? That was – well, Tommy had that picture up really quick. That's my wallpaper. What's his name, your cousin?

What's the fiancé's name? Which one? The guy? Not her. What's his name? His name's John. John, well done, buddy. If ever I've heard a fake name, it's John.

What a stitch-up. I sort of arrogantly, when they sent out the invites and everything, there was a little part of me that thought, probably going to get an email here asking me to do something at the wedding. Oh, yeah. Probably going to be asked to host or, you know. MC. And look, it's 48 hours to go.

I'm starting to think I might not get asked to do anything. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's starting to feel... You don't want to do anything. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's starting to feel... You don't want to do it. Yeah, you don't. It's the worst. Maybe he does, though. I feel like this was my kind of...

Yeah, family-wise, this was my only shot of doing anything with him. Yeah, right. I've done four of them and hated each one of them. You've done four. Hey, man, I was an open slatter, OK? How many kilos have you lost? Ten, yeah, right? Wait, are you hosting this one on the weekend?

Is it you? What a brag. I don't mean to brag too much, but my uncle has a lot of kids. How many cousins has he been with? Yeah, here we go. I think they've got some guy hosting who's just a mate of theirs. So I can just see myself getting drunk and just like, I just was like thinking like if I just kind of like really kind of put him down like at the end

just yeah one big heckle i mean you did well you're really good i mean for someone with like yeah absolutely no performance yeah yeah you're good you're prepared to heckle him or not oh maybe oh yeah i don't know yeah heckle definitely heckle i'm definitely gonna drink too much you know so if you've mc'd you've mc for your cousins and stuff like that, for friends and stuff. Mates, mostly mates. Oh, mates. So let me ask you this. Okay.

What is the protocol? Emceeing a mate's wedding, that's your present or are you being, do you get a gift for emceeing? Oh, no, no, no. That's your present. That's your present. That's your present, yeah. And that's square?

Yeah, no, that's square. It should be, yeah. Yeah, definitely. So you don't get money. Because you don't get to enjoy it. Now I don't give a fuck that I'm not doing it. I had one mate who just, I was like, do you mind being MC? I was like, oh, it's going to be, I'd rather just enjoy the wedding.

One of my best mates. You're a comedian at this point, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a bit of pressure on for you to be funny. There's a bit of pressure because everyone expects you to be funny. But then he said this, he goes, mate, the MC is the most important job of the day. If you fuck this up, you'll wreck the whole wedding. Well, that's what you want to hear, yeah. Yeah, thanks. I was talking to a friend important job of the day. If you fuck this up, you'll wreck the whole wedding.

Well, that's what you want to hear. Yeah, thanks. I was talking to a friend about this the other day. They said they'd been to a bunch of weddings recently where this had happened. And I have experienced this where the best man gets up and seems to think that they're at a 21st and just starts roasting the group. Oh, yeah, a lot. I think wedding speeches are out of control, to be honest. They are going forever.

Everyone who gets up has to do 30 minutes. Yeah, a lot. I think wedding speeches are out of control, to be honest. They are going forever. Everyone who gets up has to do 30 minutes. It's just too much. Having said that, the weddings I've been to are wonderful. I just wanted to get asked to host this one because I've got a bunch of new gear for the festival up my sleeve. It's a really distinctive audience. And a handout flies at the end. Well, having said that, this happened to me once.

So when I got into comedy full-time, I left my job and I sort of left it in a weird way where I went off to do this other job first and I was sort of still coming back and forth and then eventually I went, right, that's it. I'm calling it quits with this other job, with a proper office job. And they said, you've got to come back in just for this afternoon. Come back in on Friday afternoon so we can properly say goodbye to you like okay cool that'll be a nice little you know we got some things we've been wanting to say well it sort of went a little bit like that so it came in and it was like yeah yeah can you come in on the friday afternoon it's like

great and it was like my boss was like saying to me can you come in at this time and i said no i can come in a little bit later though at the obvious time like five o'clock everyone knocks off work we can have a few drinks and have something to eat or whatever. And he's like, oh, I'm actually a bit busy at 5 o'clock. Can you come in at like 2 o'clock or something? And I'm like, well, no, that doesn't suit me. That won't suit anyone. So we'll just –

Great employee. But it's my party. It's my thing, right? So 5 o'clock on a Friday, you say goodbye. We all go out for drinks. He's like, no, no, no, 2 o'clock. And you're at the door. What do you give a fuck about what these people want to do?

Yeah, yeah. And I'm working at this new job at two o'clock. So I go, we'll do five o'clock. He's like, okay, all right, well. These KFC burgers aren't going to serve you. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I go in there at five o'clock, right? And so everyone's there except my boss.

My boss has gone, no, I couldn't make it. So I'm sorry about that, but I can't make it. So then he's left all these notes. He's left what he was going to say, his speech, to the big, big boss. Like the bloody 60-year-old boss. Yeah, right. And basically my boss has just written this roast of me. Who has then passed on his notes to the big, the 60-year-old boss,

who I don't know very well. The CEO. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he's just going, okay, and then just got the bit of paper and starts reading out all these horrible things about me. So without the humour. Yeah, without the humour. So it's absolutely just a mean letter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a bullet point of why I am a shit cunt. Oh, this guy's shit. Yeah. And so then, because it's with none of the humour or anything, so I'm just copying it and everyone that I work with is just sitting there stony-faced. So no one's laughing.

No one's laughing at all. That's needed to be filmed. I'm just having a horrible character assassination. We all wish we were there. That's beautiful. That is great. I've just got my head bowed and just going, all right, well, you know, I'm fucking glad I left this job.

Once you heard that was happening, you should have subbed yourself in. You should have gotten someone to stand in for you and cop the abuse. There's no way I went there knowing that was going to happen. I walked in and just, like, honestly, there was new, because I'd been away for a few weeks, there'd been new people to start.

Yeah, people who don't know you. Who didn't know me. So you just came along and saw this, like, litany of strangers just get roasted by their CEO. So for them they'll be going that's not going to happen to us

when we leave and then just regretting that they ever came to the company in the first place and then went to drink to them

and they're sort of going yeah so we heard you're a bit of a shit logo is that what happens here that is a great

hazing ritual for new employees yeah the real sort of damn if you decide to leave us like this guy just total

whoever's leaving just total them. Everyone has to watch it happen. Possibly even beat them up. And also, by the way, I think I'd left that job to go and work on Channel 7's The White Room. So by the time I come back, I think that show had finished as well. So now I was just out of two jobs and copying it. Two eps, did it? Two eps.

Film three. Film three. Yeah, wow. Have you ever seen the third one? I think that was the only ep I got anything on, so no.

I think they're saving it to play at our funerals. Just as people walk in. Well, here's the other thing about the wedding. So I'm now, so it's like my dad's side of the family

and dad's got three brothers who all have a lot of kids, so it's quite a big family. So I'm now one of only two people left in the whole family who's not married as of this weekend so i just realized this yesterday i'm like oh i'm just gonna cop it all day yeah from aunties and uncles and stuff but is it gonna be a big wedding like not huge but just the fact like that family that side of the family is pretty big. But you'll be on the singles table?

I'll definitely be. I'll be on the kids table, yeah, for sure. So, I don't know. Any advice? What can I say? I don't know. The fact you're not married? The fact that I'm not married, not even in a relationship,

it's going to be brutal. I'm dating a podcasting's going great. I'm dating a model. Well, it's in the country so I'm going down tomorrow night. What part of the country? It's in Fish Creek

if you know that. Oh, yeah. It's on the way to the prom. Yeah. Well, that's great because then you can then go to the pub afterwards and just get the living shit

kicked out of you by the locals. Yeah. That's what happens. Why? For having been at a wedding? Yeah. For dressing nice.

For being from the big smoke. Yeah. How old's your cousin. Why? For having been at a wedding? Yeah. For dressing nice, for being from the big smoke. Yeah. Yeah. How old's your cousin getting married? She's 30. Yeah, wow. Yeah. I'm more in love.

I'm just, I'm in love with her too. I'll play this at the wedding. Anyone has anything else they'd like to say? What's her name? Her name. Should I say her name? Yeah, say her name. Her first name.

I can't Google it from her first name. That's true. Her name's Holly. Holly. My wife's name's Holly. Oh, name? Yeah, say her name. Her first name. I can't Google it from her first name. That's true. Her name's Holly. Holly. My wife's name's Holly. Oh, yeah. Beautiful name. No wonder.

Yes, my wife's 36 now, so, you know. Really makes you think, doesn't it? Very interesting. It's a lovely name. Holly's a happy people, Holly's. Yeah. Yeah, Holly's a happy name. It is. It's a good name. Holly's a happy people, Holly's. Yeah. Holly's a happy name. It is. It's a good name. You can't

picture someone going, wow, what a bitch. What's her name? Oh, Holly. I saw that 101 Dalmatians. That Holly DeVille was no good. Yeah, that's not going to happen. What about this? What are names of people that you've never met a good one?

Simple. Carl. Wow. That was easy. Good question. Yeah. Good question. Is there names of people you hate? Yeah.

It's not a hate. Then you're just thinking of people that you hate. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to think of something. Heather, if you're listening. Heather's a hot name. I'm all over Heather. I get coloured by like, still from primary school.

A couple of people that I had in primary school, that name, any time I meet someone with that name, I'm immediately prejudiced. Shane was a tough one for me. Oh, really? Yeah, Shane, Shane. Shane was... I felt like I've never met a smart Wayne.

I'll be honest. Oh, no, no, no. I've met a smart Wayne. Okay, all right Okay I know a few I know a couple of Waynes Yeah Kerry? No well I've never met one

I've never met a Kerry Max Max is my one You hate Max? I hate Max I had a bad Max It just sounds like a dog's name There's a lot of kids now called Max

You're going to disappoint a lot of your younger listeners here Because Well every second Kids are called Max aren't they? Max a million That's their dime a dozen these days, mate. Your day, though, when you were growing up, you wouldn't be many Maxes around.

I'm still growing up. What are the in vogue names at your kids' school? What's going on out there at the moment? A lot of, what's going on? There's a lot of, what's going on? Good question. Rory, a lot of Rory's. Rory, okay.

So that's old, that's super old. Yeah, a lot of old ones are coming back. There's a lot of Noah old. Yeah, a lot of old ones coming back. There's a lot of knowers. Yeah, there's a lot of knowers. A lot of knowers. Yeah, a lot of knowers. That's true. Tim or Sam, are they? No, they're not. Dave, are they? They're all way out, right? I've met a David the other day, which is, that's, you want to be cool, hipsters

out there, call your kid David, because he'll be the only one, and it'll come back in fashion. Yeah, yeah. But that's the thing about being a young dad myself. Like, you know, I've met a lot of other parents and kids at the playground. But I came across one where I just didn't react properly. I was like, oh, what's your little kid's name? Kayak.

Kayak. Really? Kayak. No. I was like, that's different. I had nothing else. Like, does he like the water? Yes.

Sounds like an outdoors type. I don't mind. I actually don't mind kayaks. That's good. But this is the thing. We sit here and we go, oh, that poor kid. The kid's going to roast him. But it's like if everyone in the class is named after a fucking aquatic vehicle, then there's no – it's just normalized.

Yeah. It'd be hard to shock people these days, I'd think. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. You're not going to have pilot Inspector giving shit to, you know, Kal-El or whatever we were talking about last week, Nick Cage's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

What's he got? What's he got? Pilot Inspector and… Pilot Inspector is Jason Lee's son. Pylon Inspector? Pilot Inspector. Is that two names or one? It's like a hyphenated…

Pilot Inspector. That's his first name. Pilot Inspector. That's his first name. Pilot Inspector. That's just confusing. I believe that's too far. Yeah. He's made a mistake. Call him Pilot or call him Inspector,

but don't call him Pilot hyphen Inspector. They'll call him PI. Oh, yeah. We'll just call him PI then. Okay, you can called kid PI. Can you do that? You can do that, can't you? Magnum.

Can you call kids? You can get acronyms, can you? Probably not. I reckon that's a new thing. DC, that'd be fun. Yeah, that is actually good. All right. Except then it's that pain your whole life is like,

so what's JC stand for? Nothing. That's it. Why? I don't know ask mom and dad yeah yeah yeah

but no I don't mind it I actually quite like that idea just initials without them standing for probably been done I don't know I'll

look into it are you thinking of names is there something you want to know yeah we were you got married when did you get

married oh something oh sorry No. Yeah, well, you're right. You got married. When did you get married? Whoa. I missed something. Oh, sorry. That's a conversation I had with Yuzi just before the show, so I've been meaning to tell you. No, that hasn't happened. I haven't been married, no.

No. It may have been someone else. It's a contentious issue. Yeah, yeah. I thought you would have seen this on AGT this year, the amazing non-proposing boyfriend. Are you still in the relationship? Yeah.

It's all good. Relax. It's fine. I thought I saw... Did you do a joke wedding? No. On Facebook? Yes.

What? It's turning into a joke relationship. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I swear... I want to do a joke wedding. Something happened on the internet involving you over summer and a wedding. Oh. What was it?

This was like three years ago or something. Maybe. There are a lot of different photos. I swear to God, I thought I was looking at Facebook of your wedding. No. What am I looking at? What is going on? What was I looking at?

What is going on? What was I looking at? What is going on? One time I got very much stitched up by, I went on holidays and I was on a different timeline and then I think one person decided and worded up everyone I knew and said, everyone get on Chandler's Facebook wall and say, oh, congratulations on the wedding or whatever. Was that recently? No. No, it was like three years ago or something. Oh, God.

I really feel it was closer than that. Maybe a couple of times. Look, I'm trying to rack my brain to see if I did get married. No, I swear to God, look back through your timeline, man. We had a wedding over summer. We had someone else's wedding. All right, maybe. Well, you shouldn't remember.

Come on. I haven't been to a wedding for quite a while, actually. It's just weird. I'm having a weird moment. We haven't had a mystery on the podcast for ages. Maybe this whole time they've been to a wedding for quite a while, actually. This is weird. I'm having a weird moment. We haven't had a mystery on the podcast for ages. Maybe this whole time they've been married. Something that you were doing. This is weird.

I need to Google this shit. Look at Hughsy freaking out that he's on air and he's not able to get people to call in to help solve the mystery. If anyone's listening at home and remembers getting married to me over summer. No, or just being at his wedding. Yeah. Or being online and thinking, oh, he's getting married. That's lovely.

Yeah. Oh, look, I'd be. What did you do on New Year's Eve? Did you do something special? Oh, I did get married. This is almost making a murderer for me. I've got my own private thing. I'm going to leave.

Did you post a review of the movie The Ring? Anything? Anything? What did you do? Romantic? What was the last one? I'm not kidding. Something happened.

I reckon other people are going to get online here. Something happened, all right. This is so good. Wow. This is definitely you. Someone I'll be making sure doesn't listen to this episode. You definitely thought he was getting married. I can't wait to see what this is.

I'm going to go through your Twitter. Something happened on your Twitter, man. No. Something happened on your Twitter. A hundred jokes? No, not that. Was it one of the jokes? Across that.

That's the number of years she's going to be waiting for the ring. Boom, boom. What is your Twitter? I see it, but what is it? It's pretty bad. We don't want to give that out on the air. There it is. I got it.

It's pretty stock standard. I'll go back through that. It doesn't have to be on air. Don't get the like. Second tweet. Happy to announce I am now. I'm trying to fucking go back in time. How much do you tweet?

For fuck's sake. Well, a lot happened at the wedding. Fucking hell. Read out some of your favourites. The 24th was just fucking, that was a big day for you. Yeah, well. That was your 100th joke. Read out some of your favourites.

That really does make it hard to get through. Read out some of your favourites. I'll read out some. No, no, no. Number five. Here we go. I like chicken. No.

Well, I'm just, I don't know, just stop there. Pick a better one than that one. No, it's got to be this one. People need to know what this is. Oh, no. Number five. I like – is it we're counting up or down here? Do a different one.

We're counting up or down. No, do your top three. Hang on. I'll just do number five. I like chicken, raw chicken, really, really raw chicken. I like eggs. That's good. Now no one's going to marry me.

No, no. 74 people favoured that. Oh, right. I like eggs. Now no one's going to marry me. 74 people favourited that. You should have finished it with duck sandwich. Was that your number one? I'm looking around it. No, I had more popular ones than that. Well, not what I've seen. Well, you also thought I got married. That clearly didn't happen.

That's pretty good one. Sophie Monks just called in She said tweeting is really really hard She's a great chick by the way That was a good thing about you guys being on Australia's Got Talent Because I thought well a comedian hosting it That's going to help the comedians that are going to compete on it

You've got Eddie Perfect on it as well He's going to be helping out So that's good I don't know about Sophie and Dicko and those other guys I don't know how comedy savvy those guys were. No, it was,

I really, when I, yeah. Because Dicko doesn't like comedy, does he? No, Dicko's up. He'll like anything.

He'll tell him to like it, he'll fucking like it. He's a nice guy, Dicko. So no comics have gone, they're all nice. No comedians have gone through it. No stand-ups have gone through it.

There was one chick who did a, who did a, she did a character, Jan Vanderstone or Vanderstool. There was one chick who did a character, Jan Vanderstone or Vanderstool. Jan Vanderstool who's on, I think she's working

around Melbourne. It's a character and she was getting genuine laughs. Like, seriously, she was like, in her act.

Why are you laughing? No, no, I just have never heard the name, so. Yeah, I hadn't either. Lomas actually

is the number one person of laughing when someone goes badly on stage. I enjoy it as well. Not when I'm hosting Australia's Got Talent, by the way. Well, did you hear we were on this podcast? She was funny and she almost got through the grand final. Maybe she, I shouldn't, I don't know when this is on, but anyone gives a shit.

Maybe she will get through well we we had an attempt to get me on the show doing a character on this series on this series

yeah well the character is the way to go with Dave O'Neill when he was on the show we cooked up this idea of me playing a character called the Bogan baby

yeah it's basically it was baby Bogan, but anyway. The creative team disagrees on which order the name should be. I already have a sense of trouble. Is it Leonard McCartney or can't even be Leonard?

It was me and a nappy with a big mullet wig doing sort of Bogan jokes about sucking on my mum's tit and stuff like this. So we did it as one of our live podcasts. I came out and did it. And it killed. And we thought, well, this is it.

We're going to put this through to the audition. We're going to get on the show. And did you do that? Well, then we looked through the script and it was like, this is all filthy. This isn't going to get on TV. This is swearing in. It was a family-friendly show.

I'm big at the primary schools right now. I've never been bigger. Right. I go pick up my son from school and I'm getting... That sounds horrible. Don't make this weird, guys. Don't make this weird. No, because he's getting married.

Yeah, from the bloke telling me about how I fuck my cousin. I didn't say you do that. I said you wanted to. That's a big difference. It was implied. You've never crossed the line, Johnny. He's never crossed that line. He never will. I said you wanted to. That's a big difference. It was implied. He never crossed the line, Johnny. He's never crossed that line. He never will.

I said the same thing about you in primary school. Yeah, exactly. Well, no. Hang on. No, still. I think the cut is even more. We can all relate to the cousins. Yeah.

I guess you have more to lose at these stakes. We can all relate to the cousin stuff, can't we? I had pretty ugly cousins. Yeah. Well, that's a hurtful thing to say. It's true. But based on what you've seen, a 29-year-old man in a mullet wig and a nappy,

how do you think I would have gone if we'd pushed through and I'd made it to the actual show? Look, I don't know. It's hard to tell. Put it this way. I don't know. It's hard to tell. I wouldn't like to say.

I wouldn't like to predict how you would have gone. You might have killed. The second mum's tip, I'm not sure. That was the to tell. I wouldn't like to say. I wouldn't like to predict how you would have gone. You might have killed. Sucking on mum's tit, I'm not sure. That was the cleanest joke, by the way. I would have said breast instead of tit. Yeah. And who was going to play the breast? Dill?

I think if you're in a nappy and you're talking about sucking on your mum's breast and you're like the age you are, I reckon there's probably people are going to go, have we checked out his past? It screams sex offender doesn't it yeah even without any

of those details so what's this fucked up character that you're going to do on the show oh I'm not in the costume yet no stop it

stop it oh he's always on so so when we did the mini audition, when I helped the Channel 9 producers, whatever, do the mini comedian audition, I had about 15 to 20 acts on that only one got through. Because we're sort of going,

oh, you know, we're sort of wording everyone up, you know, that I know, saying, you know, don't go too harsh. And we thought, you know, we made the call, Baby Bogan wasn't going to do it because, like, it was just too offensive and whatever. Anyway, we roll up, and one of the people auditioning is someone who then does a five-minute song about how much her vagina stinks.

And that was the song for five minutes and I was sitting at the back going, oh, my God. That's affirmative action. How is this happening? And I'm thinking, well, they've clearly regretted this. And I watched the producers. They are high-fiving each other. And they said to me afterwards, oh, yeah, how great was that?

And I said, just, I don't know, look, just a little reminder for you. Don't you work on Australia's Got Talent? And doesn't that go on Channel 9? And isn't that on at like 7 o'clock at night? It's a family-friendly viewing. Yeah. It's educational. Yeah, Vagina Stinks is probably not going to get through.

Yeah. It's got more chance than how much your cock smells, let's be honest. Let's be honest, it's got more chance. And I appreciate that and I think, you know, people need to be able to talk about their own issues. And if that's empowering for... Sure. That's all.

Wow. Talk about your own issues on Australian Channel. I didn't know there was a company line at Channel 9 about smelly vaginas. Apparently we just heard it. I used to do jokes about being on the doll, and a lot of people would come up to me after my routines and go, I'm on the doll as well. It's good to be able to laugh at it.

Yeah. And so I imagine if you had those issues that the song talked about. What did you point at me when you said that? You could go up to the person who did the vagina song and say, thank you for getting it out there. Yeah, yeah. You know, and that probably could help people. Did you person who did the vagina song and say thank you for getting it out there. Yeah, yeah. You know, and that probably could help people. Did you film yourself watching the vagina song?

Because maybe that's what you mistook for the wedding on Facebook. Yeah, look, I swear to God there's something going on. I'm going to go through your every, what other social media are you on? Facebook. LinkedIn. Friendster. Facebook and Twitter, that'll do. Instagram.

I'm going to go through Both those strings And I will come up With some information Please Look I know at least one person Would be very keen to hear If you find anything positive Out of that

Yeah What are you waiting for by the way? I know that's been asked before But what are you waiting for man? I mean What? No What?

Why does Ben Lomas know the answer? No no no I feel like You know I just need to get to know her You know How many years? I don't think I've found out like, you know, I just need to get to know her, you know. How many years? I don't think I've found out everything.

How many years, man? I don't want to jump into anything. How many years? Nine. Nine. And you realise how attractive she is? You do, do you? Yeah. Do you realise what's going on here?

You're asking questions and she has to say yes to everyone. You are aware. Yeah, well, I mean, she is so attractive. It's crazy. I think he's waiting for the big, I reckon he's waiting for the big

10 years You got a holiday book do you or not? No he just goes to Thailand by himself Does he still work for the travel company? Yes What the fuck are you waiting for mate? She's beautiful and you get free holidays What the fuck, what's he waiting for?

I love what you're doing right now, congratulations mate You're going to Sydney You're through to the next round of the podcast. I feel like I'm back leaving that job again. Yeah, I've given my material to Dave. Just checked out. Jesus. Well, we've got a cliffhanger for next week.

You've got to find out. I really will. I'm going to work on this. I know I'm here quite not with it at the moment, but I am going to work on this because there was something going on. I'm a private investigator. Am I being pranked here? No, no, no, no.

Am I being pranked here? No, there's no prank. There's no prank. There's no prank. I know. I know. What? What?

George Clooney got married. You probably got us mixed up. That's probably. You're all going to eat your own self-doubt. You're going to eat your own doubt. Eat his smelly cock. No, it's something. Unless I had a really weird long dream about your wedding, which is weird.

You got real vengeful there all of a sudden. It sounded like you were about to say, you're all going to regret this. I'll take you down. I'll say that if my brain has worked, yeah, it'll be a moment for next week. All right. There we go.

Cliff, hang on. Look, I reckon on average we've had you on once a year. Happy for you to leave it until then. Happy for you to leave it until the next time you're on. If I find nothing, yeah, I'll be happy too. But if I find something, fuck, I'm on next week, guys. Well, I think that brings us to the end of the little dum-dum club for another week.

Ben Lomastay, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having us. You guys both have comedy festival shows. Yes, yes. All around the country, Dave. Sweet, yeah. All over the place. Yeah.

Next, you can book in definitely Sydney, Perth and Melbourne. Absolutely. Melbourne's next, so looking forward to that. No Brisbane? I was at Brisbane

in the last year, the Powerhouse, and I will be back there soon. But yeah, I love the Powerhouse, love Brisbane. You worry about that. Lovely venue. Look, I've decided

to give the Powerhouse a skip this year. I'm just doing Melbourne Comedy Festival and you can get tickets at benlomas.com. And what was the name of that show again? Open for Inspection. It's a very good show. Yeah, and while you're getting your tickets,

maybe send material about real estate to Ben. And you can see your jokes live on stage. We have got our Brisbane gig in about two weeks' time. We've got all of our Melbourne stuff is on sale, our solo shows. All of that information is at littledumbdumbclub.com. Get down, come and see us live in Melbourne and Brisbane, please. It is a heap of fun. And you get to go to the 40th birthday show.

There's the drunk cast. Who's turning 40? I'm going to have to go through my Twitter timeline. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next. Gotcha.