The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 284 - Dave Thornton & Joel Creasey

Episode Date: March 16, 2016

Personal Hygiene, Gossip Columns and Body Corporates.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Yalla Chocolate Mousse. Tommy, in your top five, where would you put Yalla's Chocolate Mousse? In all five of the spots. Oh, wow. Spots one through five occupied by Yalla Chocolate Mousse. I was only going to put it at number one. I seem almost like I hate Chocolate Mousse at the moment compared to you. Yeah, exactly.

I'm the aficionado. What's in your other four spots out of interest? Daylight. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. All right. Brisbane, we are there this weekend. And if you haven't gotten a ticket already,

you might have made a big blunder here because, man, they have been snapped up like hotcakes covered in yellow chocolate mousse. In my top five hotcakes, I would put those chocolate mousse covered ones. I love a daylight cake, me personally. Really? Yeah. Well, Brisbane, go for it. Look, a lot of podcast tickets sold already.

You might be able to squeeze in on the door. 1.30 podcast, 3 o'clock podcast. What's the date of the podcast, by the way? March 20th. March 20th, yeah. So then there's the 4.30 stand-up show. So there's tickets left for that. It's only $10.

It's half an hour each of me and Tommy Allsop's absolute finest new stuff. And we're five days out from the Comedy Festival at this point. So the stand-up show is going to be really good because we're both in red-hot form at the moment. Sure. I am erect just thinking about how good my jokes are. I want to put chocolate mousse on your red-hot erection. So Melbourne, hey, this is the big thing.

If you live in Melbourne, if you're visiting Melbourne, man, a lot of interstate people are flying in to the Comedy Festival to check out not only solo shows, but the podcast. And awesome. Good for you. There seems to be a lot more of you buying tickets than people who fucking live in Melbourne. What's going on here?

The Melbourne podcast is selling better in Colac than it is in Melbourne. What's happening? Is there a lot of Adelaide-born Melbournians hanging around these days? Are people doing like FIFO podcasting where they're just coming in for the weekend and then getting out? Seriously, I think it is. Are we an oil rig? I think it is.

So anyway, we've got four big live Sunday afternoon podcasts in Melbourne over March and April. So get on to them. Three o'clock at the European Beer Cafe. We've already got awesome, awesome, awesome special guests. Yeah, I think each show at this point already has like a big name on it, on all of them so far. Yeah, big returning favourites, huge international guests,

huge local guests. You know what to expect by now. Bonus episode, we've also got March 30th, Carl Chandler's 40th birthday show. That is happening at 11pm on a Wednesday night. Yep. You won't believe this, but I've actually been hard at work planning a lot of silly things to happen in the middle of that show.

You're right, I don't believe that. Lots of surprises. It's going to be a little bit more over the top and theatrical than a standard show, I think. I've got some crazy stuff planned. Oh, great. So, yeah, look, we haven't even locked in whether we're going to record that or not. So if you want to have fun, come down for that.

It's going to be a crazy late night show. It's going to be a preview to the drunk cast, I presume. If you want to have fun, come down. That's purely, that's getting to the essence of why you should go to the drunk cast. What a plug. If you want to have fun, come down. That's purely, that's getting to the essence of why you should go to things. Yeah, none of this dancing around

and talking about the guests. If you want to have fun, come to, the whole comedy festival should just use that as a slogan. Yeah, I believe that we're

in the top five fun practitioners of the comedy festival. So come along and do that. That's late night, late night. It's going to be a preview to the drunk cast in some way. So come down to that. It's going to be a preview to the drunk cast in some way.

So come down to that. It's going to be heaps of fun. And also all of these shows, if you have a ticket to any of them, you get into the unrecorded drunk cast on the final night of the festival. That's April the 17th, the Sunday night at about, what do we do it, like 11 or something? Yeah, we're both on at the same time this year on the last night of the festival. I know, I know.

Guys, if you want to continue the tradition, what we have done the last couple of years, like a lot of you guys have come and seen both of our shows on the final night and then come along to the drunk cast, seen the regular Sunday afternoon show and then seen a couple of shows in the drunk cast. Make a day of it. We certainly will be. It's going to be heaps and heaps of fun.

So get on to all that. And all the live shows, we've got our merchandise. We've got all of our t-shirts. We've got a new little thing we're selling we're literally in your house staring at a pile of them right now i've got three massive boxes of t-shirts four i've got four massive boxes of t-shirts uh so get along uh get some merch we've got some new stuff happening so come on to the shows and uh what do we got we got hoodies we got t-shirts we've got new t-shirts we got posters we got

our tour posters yeah you may have seen us post online heaps of stuff we can sign the posters for you after the show so hang around and do all that there is space on the posters for to get the guests and to get us to sign if you're into that sort of thing uh so get onto that if you want to buy a poster come down to the little dum-dum club if you want to get one of the most fun posters there is uh all right guys that's all that we need to say about that also Also, our solo shows are on sale. Mine is Tommy Dasolo, Little Golden Dasolo at 8.45 every night. It's a show where the audience gets a little picture book and you read along with my little drawings in the show.

I just finished the book last night and it is looking fucking great. And you have got? Carl Chandler defends his title as world's greatest and best comedian. And it's the same concept as last year, but different jokes. Heaps of jokes, heaps of guests coming in every night, heckling me, having fun, being stupid. Every night's going to be totally different. So you're allowed to buy more than one ticket.

Is that a show that you recommend coming down to if you want to have fun? If you want to have fun, if you like seeing fun, even if you don't particularly enjoy it, you can look at it and recognise that other people are having it. You can do that. Almost as much as having fun. Even if you don't particularly enjoy it, you can look at it and recognise that other people are having it. You can do that. Almost as much as having fun. I enjoy talking about the act of having fun. Yeah.

It's just interesting. Fun's interesting. An examination of fun. Yeah. From the outside looking in, even fun is interesting in that way. That's what this podcast is really, an examination of fun. It's a fun cast. So do that. Also, an examination of fun. It's a fun cast. So do that.

Also get on the Patreon. We're about to send out a bonus episode and do a little magazine again. Go to Patreon slash Little Dumb Dumb Club to find out what you get for free if you give us money. What could be more fun than giving money to a podcast about fun? Well, you're giving money to us, but you're actually getting plenty in return. Yeah, big time. So do that. Okay.

Enjoy all those tickets and stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com, if you didn't know that already. That's where you can find any information for any of the stuff that we've been going on about. Enjoy this episode with Dave Thornton and Joel Creasy, and we'll see you out there for some fun. Fun. Fun.

Hey mates, welcome once again into another edition of your favourite podcast, The Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead, is that official? So now that you've heard this, this has to be your favourite podcast? Yes. You've said that, that's some sort of guarantee. You'll listen to this.

This is your number one. This is it. It's like you listen to this for the first time and then in seven days you kill yourself. Well, speaking of that, I have an announcement. Oh, yeah. Here we go. No, no. This is actually our last sit-down episode for a little while.

Yes. We're about to head off and do live ones. So just while the vibe is just informal and casual is there anything you'd like to say to me just everyone at home appreciate not hearing

any booing in the background yeah very quickly any stories with our punchlines you want to bring up well speaking of so we've got

Comedy Festival coming up we've got live shows we've got our own solo shows coming up in the next couple of weeks so fine tuning last night did Spleen with a couple of the guests that are here in the little, let's

call it a studio, in the studio apartment. And I finished the gig. It was a ripping gig. These guys were here and I hosted. At the end of the gig, as people are filing out, people are going, great show, great show. One woman comes up to me and goes, oh, you're riffing? Hilarious. So great. I'm like, thank you. And she goes, don't you riffing? Hilarious. So great.

I'm like, thank you. She goes, don't do any of those jokes again. Ah, yes. Oh, nice. Well, it's lucky that my show is, oh, actually it is completely filled with jokes. And then were you like, thanks for the feedback, mum. No, I was like, hey, that one's new. She goes, no, don't do them.

Fantastic. All right, today on the show, two big special guests, one of whom has just come back from a time removed from civilisation in the wasteland. No human signs of life around him, but enough about Dave

Thornton's time at the Adelaide Fringe. Yes! Switch of room, wasn't it? Yes! First of all, you know him from Fox FM Breakfast. Please welcome Dave Thornton. Yeah, thanks, guys. To be honest, Chandler, we were at that gig last night

and we were backstage. We actually sent that woman through. We were all the comedians at the back. I mean, he's actually killing it. He's not talking about Post-it notes. And also, just back from his time hosting I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here, please welcome back a little dumb dumb called Joel Creasy.

This is my favourite podcast. Oh, yes. I'm the only one I've ever listened to. Am I not on? Wait, get on there. Write it. Okay. Get hot on it.

I'm not giving you the compliment again. There we go. There we go. Anyone that's ever done radio comes in here, the first thing they do is turn their mic off for some reason. I don't know what that is. Well, no, it's nice to be here. This is the only podcast I've ever listened to.

The episodes I've been on. Yes. You are the Harley Quinn podcast guest. Yeah. Well, you are officially the first guest that we've ever had to delay a podcast for a hair appointment. Fucking suck it. If I had to pick any guest that that would happen to,

I would have picked you. Yeah, we'll go. And you've not actually complimented me yet on it. Oh, no, it's excellent. Thank you. And I think all the listeners will pick up on that. I just think it's a lot of cheek to delay a podcast for a hair appointment when one of the hosts is balding.

That is a bitter pill to swallow. I just wanted to rub it in. It was a great appointment. I was there for like three and a half hours. Oh, yeah, we know. You've only got a quiff. How did you feel three and a half hours? I had a colour.

It's lighter. You saw me last night. Can't you tell the difference? Fuck, I'm going back. Did you really? You got it all lightened up? Yeah, I'm blonder. I didn't know you got your hair dyed, mate.

No, I don't always, but I was just in the mood for it And I sprung it on them when I got there And they're like, oh, and they had to go and find the colour That's what I'm running like Oh, man, imagine getting that sprung on you in a hairdresser I reckon it'd be pretty quick You didn't turn up, did you, with your car And go, I want a full oil and service, guys

Oh, fuck, we just traded the colouring machine in for a new pair of scissors Get all the Africa Out of me hair Well this is because We had to delay this podcast I'm now officially This is the first For the first time

Since I started there At the start of this year I'm now wagging uni Wow Because of this podcast Why are you at uni? I'm back at uni Oh god why?

What do you think? What are you What are you studying? I found out He had no qualifications. I said, you're out of the podcast unless you get a degree, mate. Yeah. Fair enough.

What are you studying? Studying animation. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Cool. No, that's cool. I don't know.

Yeah, like I love animated. Okay, yeah. What's your favourite animated? My favourite animated is Pixar. Try and say. That sounds like a grown-up career animated is Pixar. Try and say. That sounds like a grown-up career, Tommy. Just try and say. Okay.

That sounds like a grown-up career. No, you couldn't say that. You couldn't say that. Yeah. No, you've got something to fall back on that's more secure than this. Yeah. So that's good. That's good, mate.

Is animation a thing in Australia? Well, I'm not even going to have that to fall back on if I'm fucking not turning up to class to do podcasts every week. But has Australia ever made an animated film? Like Rabbit Proof Fence, not animated. That's the only Australian film I can think of as well. Bad Boy Barbie, there were some animated dream sequences in that, weren't there?

Was there? No. Is that your own? I'm kidding. I've got this idea for a family that all have yellow skin and four fingers. Great. I think it's going to be really cool.

Sounds racist but really good. How did they ever get that pitch through? The Simpsons is hella racist. Just on a pitch meeting level, how did he not get booted out of the office for going in with that one? So do you need me to write you a note? Actually, could I? Yeah, that'd be great.

No, you'd draw him a note. You have to stick with the medium. Are you one of those pricky overage students? Are you asking heaps of questions and trying to get your money's worth out of the course? Or do you try to be hip with the kids? I'm not. Like, I thought I was, but there's a guy in a lot of my classes who's like... Is it possible to be the hip one in an animation course?

It's so true. There's a guy who'd be in his late 40s. I got my full 100 Derwins, guys. Top of the class. How did you get in? I was ducks in my school. I got an ace in Coronella. We should give a bit of a context for this.

Was Coronella the kids' page in the Herald Sun? Yeah, do you remember that? That was the the kids page in the Herald Sun? Coronella was, yeah. Do you remember that? It was the kids page in the Herald Sun years ago. I remember getting into it way too late and like going to school one time and going, oh, yeah, look at this toy I got. They're like, how did you get that? I'm like, oh, I won at Coronella. And they're like, isn't that a thing that eight-year-olds are into?

And it's like, well, we are 10 to be fair. So it wasn't that bad. Yeah, but two years when you're that age, that's like two decades. Oh, no, it is. It really is. It's like dog years. So how are you going in animation? I'm going good.

I'm a little, yeah, no, I'm going good. I'm currently doing 3D modelling, which I have no idea about. No. Which would be good to be in the class today. Yeah. Learning how to use the fucking software. But no, good haircut. Thank you. And it's great that you're doing some software. But no, good haircut. Thank you.

And it's great that you're doing some modelling. I've always said that's where your talents lie. Oh, that would have been a great, like I've looked at the name of the course, 3D modelling. Yeah, well, I'm three-dimensional. You just walk into the class, just get my kit off immediately and go for it. You should have been getting extra marks.

You should have been at the hairdresser's colouring in his hair. Absolutely, yeah. Colouring in. So do you want to do extra or watercolour? Are the other people in the class being nice to you? Yeah. Okay, that's good. The first day, I talked a little bit about the orientation day the other week.

I don't know if I included this detail that I got talking to a couple of people and then they were like, hey, do you want to come out back and smoke a joint with us? Oh, cool. I don't smoke but I was like, yeah, cool, I'll come along and I just had to keep coming up with excuses to not take the joint because I was like, man, we're fucking here to learn, not be fucking. But I also wanted to be cool and be like, man, I'm so down with drugs.

Whatever hard stuff you guys want to do, I'm not going to tell the dean or anything, don't worry about it. Do you guys want to have some hooch? A wacky tabacky time? Hey, my parents are away. Do you guys want to have some hooch? A wacky tabacky time? Hey, my parents are away. Do you guys want to come around and do blowjob stuff or whatever? It's a cool, safe space. But do they know you do stand-up?

No. They don't? No. Oh, God, I can't wait for that to occur. Yeah. Just a room full of socially awkward people who try to scribble their emotions away Going tell us a joke

Putting you on the back Scribble their emotions away Well this is the thing You guys have been making all your little Cracks about my chosen vocation And fair enough but there also is a part of me Going into the course where it's like I kind of hate those stereotypes of like

Animators are all these dweebs and stuff Because it's very outdated but then we go to of like animators are all these dweebs and stuff because it's very outdated. But then we go to the orientation day and we literally had a 15-minute chunk of a lecture that was all about personal hygiene and making sure that you wear deodorant. What? Please, even though like you might be working a lot and working really hard and having to put in long hours

to get your assignments finished, it is still important that you shower before you turn up to uni. And I'm like there going, guys, please, you're just making it so much harder. He said that is the only course. Like they wouldn't even tell that to people doing human movement. Second semester, were you

working with Schmegma or just making sure you know how to clean under there, guys? Are they going to do some sort of sex head where they show you what girls' genitals look like as well? Was the guy giving the orientation ring like an R Real Monster shirt or a SpongeBob SquarePants shirt? We also had a – there was a long part of the lecture devoted

to people with autism and how there are a lot of autistic people in the course and how to treat them. And it's like, oh, my God, stereotypes galore. Yeah, it's like, by the way, I know autistic people. I work in comedy, all right, guys? I'm well aware. You've got to be fine. But you know if there was like a fire alarm, no one's moving,

they just went, guys, X-Men figurines for sale out in the courtyard. Everyone's getting there in under a minute. Meanwhile, I'm up the back, bonged out of my mind going, chill out, dudes. It just sounds exhausting. Yeah. Yeah. It's good, though. I like it.

I wish I was there right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you invited me on whatever this is, a podcast. Well, that de-escalated very quickly. This is my favourite podcast. What the fuck am I on? Yeah, you'll enjoy that sweet burn when you listen back to this one later tonight. But Kreese is going to go to your course because at least you get drugs. my heart. Yeah, you'll enjoy that sweet burn when you listen back to this one later tonight.

Creasy's going to go to your course because at least you get drugs. At the very least you'll get a free doobie out of it. Oh man, but you're just back from Africa.

You've been back for like two days or something? Yeah. Yeah. And it was, so you were there for like a month?

No, I was there for like two and a half months. Oh really? You get there early and like set up. Oh, that's right. Yeah, and like learn

how the show goes and stuff. How close to civilisation are you? Not at all. So it legitimately isn't anywhere. Legitimately. And then there was a mosquito net around my bed and there was these brown marks on it every night

and I said, what is that? And they said, it's shit. There's a black mamba living in your roof. I'm like, what? And it's a really deadly snake. They're like, it won't bother you. I'm like, oh, fuck, okay, yeah, cool. I don't have that problem in the docklands in Melbourne. There is no one in the docklands that lives really deadly snake. They're like, it won't bother you. I'm like, oh, fuck, okay, yeah, cool. I don't have that problem in the Docklands in Melbourne.

There is no one in the Docklands, let alone snakes. Although it could be worse, mate, because it sounds like the personal hygiene from Tommy's... If you sleep in there for a night, you get everything else just thrown at you. Guys, I know it's probably common knowledge, but wipe the shit marks off your bedroom before you come in each day. And there was a zebra outside my door every morning,

like the first, like every morning. They had to say, like, hey. And like the first week, so cool, selfie every morning with the zebra. By week four, you're like, all right, fuck off. I never need to see another zebra. That's the zebra to you. It's had enough. It's been in enough selfies.

Oh, well. So they're explaining that to you. Oh, yeah, you do. There's a snake in your room. Yeah. What about just getting rid of the snake instead of do. There's a snake in your room. Yeah. What about just getting rid of the snake instead of going, that's the snake the room comes with? No, because they all love animals over there and I don't.

So I'm like, can't you just get some pee-bo on it? And they're like, no. But every animal has to be removed carefully and nurtured. Oh, right. You know, that shit. I don't have time for that. Yeah, because don't they have security guards every night? So you're doing a separate show to I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

You were on that last year. Yes, I'm doing the Up Late show. You did the comments afterwards after the show and stuff like that. So what I thought happened was that they have security people around the camp, around all of your sort of area to keep all those sort of animals away. Yeah, they do. But somehow they let all the zebra through the net, did they? Oh, well, I was in like a nice

house this year, like an hour away, because they're like genuinely in the middle of the jungle, but still animals get in. Like a lion can't get in, obviously, but like a little foxy thing called a Janet, which I love, which is a Janet, got in. And there's, you know,

the odd snake gets in. Right. And I was going you know, the odd snake gets in. Right. But Shane Warren. Historius, whatever. Yeah, yeah. There are security guards, but there's somehow snakes get in. Like, that'd be the... Well, yeah, it's the jungle. Like, it's the jungle.

There's not, like, a wall of security guards. There's, like, four around the whole camp. Right. So when a snake gets in, you just say to the security guard, fair enough, I can see how that happened. When a snake gets in, you freak out. And then they... Someone comes in and removes it.

Right. They don't just say like, oh, Jo Beth Taylor, can you please remove the snake from cam? Hey, is this true? I heard this, that there's a little section, and it might have been when you were in there in the first series, where people can go for a smoke. We didn't have that on our series. No one was smoking on our series. Right.

But I did hear this year they had a bit of that. And we were just, when I'd heard that, I thought, well, that's the moment, isn't it, because they don't want to show that on TV of just. The smokers section. You'd spend 15 minutes of just, you know, what you really think about everyone. Oh, yeah.

Just upending everything. Smoker. I'm still good, I'm good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you do want to talk to each other because it's like big brother. Chrissy and Swan and I thought we'd found a spot in camp with no microphones and we'd run over there

and like have a good hard bitch oh really andrew dado realized they picked it all up how annoying is andrew which was cameron like all that sort of stuff and um and yeah so i think yeah i think they probably did unleash a bit you have to did did that stuff come up when you were on i'm a celebrity get me out of here last year in the actual camp did you because i didn because I didn't watch much of it but were you portrayed It was my favourite podcast I've taken it down a peg or two

No, we're the same We watch every episode of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here that we're on I hear you But look, the show did fine without one more person, it was fine So did you get portrayed? You were portrayed fine though.

Yeah, totally fine. Yeah. Like there was the odd moment that I was like, oh shit, did I say that? Right. Or do I look like that jumping off a cliff? Right. Because I remember someone in TV saying to me at one stage that, because you would obviously be doing exactly what you said.

You were with Chrissy going at some stage going, fuck these guys. I remember someone in TV said to me, there was a big discussion at one stage whether to go, right, do we play it like we love everyone or do we actually show Joel Creasy and Chrissy going, this is what we think of these people. Oh, man. Well, yeah, look, there were some times I was like, shit. And there was one night as well we got wine and no one drank it

except me and Lauren Brandt from High Five. And I was like plaster And there was one night As well we got We got wine And no one drank it Except me and Lauren Brandt From High Five And we just sat And I was like plastered After half a glass And just went to town And people And the next morning

I woke up and I went Well if that conversation Goes to air My career will be ruined Oh wow Wow Pissed on Amazon wine Yeah

My favourite podcast Is the Little Dumb Dumb Club Get this idiot off the box My career is done My favourite podcast is The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Get this idiot off the box. My career is done. But no, it is probably hardcore. Like they do actually have to, they lose, I lost 15 kilos. Oh yeah, last time.

Yeah. I was so gaunt. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, this time I put on weight. Because you were like buff and then you came back and it's like this. Thank you. Man, I remember that because remember you were hosting the gala and I was like, oh, sweet Jesus. I was a mate yet. Yeah.

Zika's here. I loved it. Well, it's such a shame because some, I don't know, I told you this before you went, but a producer hit me up and said, oh, have you got interest? We need, you know, we need a writer over there. Have you got interest? We'd like to get you over there.

And I'm like, the country that has AIDS all through it, has it got a paycheck? Yes, I will do that. And I wish you had been there. It was quite like the get you over there. And I'm like, the country that has AIDS all through it, has it got a paycheck? Yes, I will do that. I wish you had been there. It was quite like the crew really partied. You know, it was weird when I first went to South Africa. Because when I think partying, I think Carl Chandler. When I went there the first time, I went to South Africa,

the first thing I saw coming out of the airport in Johannesburg was a billboard, honestly, swear to God, that just said, HIV positive, question mark, need life insurance. And I was like, okay, A, that's full on, and B, that's not a good business model. Like you've literally got a disease you can't get rid of and they're like, we'll back you on life insurance. You're like, you're losing cash, bro.

How good is this insurance? It's an ambulance chaser in billboard form. That's crazy. Yeah, absolutely. And I thought, like, is it an ambulance chaser in billboard form. That's crazy. Yeah, absolutely. And I thought, like, is it this common? Yeah. To ride a billboard. It's a fun place, though.

It's a great place. I got really into the South African, The Voice. Oh, really? And it's really low rent. Like, the chairs, someone has to push them around when they say yes. And I got really into it. And I would watch it every afternoon after I'd finished work. I'd get on my treadmill and watch The Voice in my room.

I felt like a newly single mum. And I got really into it. I don't know how my girl Melina's going, but she was in the final three. So fingers crossed she's taken it out. If only there was a, I don't know, the internet where you could find out. Well, I'm not there anymore. Need a VPN blocker, bro, to get that sweet South Africa content.

Well, you know, when I was there, they were on, I don't even know what MasterChef's up to now, but they were about season three. And so we would have been at the time, I don't know, on season six or something. Yeah. And everyone was like, and it was huge. Of our one.

Of our one. Yeah, they love our one. Of our one. And then, like, I'd get on stage and be like, hey, guys, season three happened three years ago. I can't believe we just put a different name out each night. People were going, oh, like in the audience. And I'm like, Google it.

It occurred. It occurred three years ago. Poe doesn't win. Sorry. It really does seem like a country where you'd want to upset big chunks of the population all at one go. Smooth move by Dee Thornton. Yeah, we already spent all of our money today on AIDS insurance,

and now you're spoiling MasterChef for us. God. You're at the gala going, I'll give all of you AIDS. I don't give a fuck. From what I gather, the theme of this country is white guys turning up and fucking it for everyone. So I'm going to continue on like this. So, Joel, you're doing a new show at the Comedy Festival.

You've just gotten back from Africa. Are we doing trial shows over there, getting up at the... Oh, yeah, doing a lot of stand-up. At the Chuckle Shack. Who knows Paul Harrigan? All right, here we go. You could have gone in and done just in the smoking bit, your new bits to all the smokers.

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't have got on TV. You're fine. Just me and Warnie. Yeah. No, I haven't done stand-up. I did stand-up last night. It was the first time I've done stand-up this year.

It felt really weird. This year? Yeah. Probably since like November. And it's crazy because it was still fantastic, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. Well, there was no complaints on the way out. I copped something.

Yeah, no, I didn't get one. What about you? Sounds like it was fantastic. You've run out immediately and changed your hairstyle so people can't recognise you. I'm really worried. Really nervous. No, yeah yeah I'm doing a new show It's probably I don't know what it's about

But it'll be good Yeah well You've got Eight days I've got like eight days When does the comedy festival start Next week or the week after Oh no

Well if you This is it This is the gala This is it Wow If you want jokes Chandler's not using his free show He's been told otherwise

Are you doing You're in the same venue We're in the same venue Are we Yeah If you want jokes, Chandler's not using his free show. He's been told otherwise. Are you doing this? You're in the same venue, aren't we? We're in the same venue. Are we? Yeah. We've been in the same venue for the last few years. Max Watts? Yeah, Max Watts.

Why the fuck the first year that I'm there, they've changed the name? Who is Max Watts, by the way? Yeah, for anyone outside of Melbourne, the Hi-Fi Bar, famous live music institution venue, some new owners have bought it and done that classic thing of buying a venue and just changing the name to something utterly shithouse. Max Watts House of Music. I mean, I still call Etihad Stadium Telstra Dome.

I refuse to. I'm not going to buckle. I still call Telstra Telecom. But, yeah, That's like a joke Name isn't it Because it's like Maximum what Max

Yeah yeah Oh Because what Yeah okay There's not a guy Called Max Watts Swatting around backstage At all your gigs now

I wasn't sure If he was the owner Yeah That would be cool But it doesn't really Work during the comedy festival Because Max Watts Lends himself to music

It's like oh This is really loud It's like comedy Yeah really loud Stand up comedy Is that good That was on my review Yeah

This is the loudest Joke you're ever Going to hear During the festival I bought a packet comedy. Yeah, really loud stand-up comedy. Is that good? That was on my review. This is the loudest joke you're ever going to hear during the festival. I bought a packet of snakes alive the other day! But with huge feedback. Oh wow, it's like Hendrix. Yeah, that wall of sound comedy, that's what I'm into. Imagine if I wore an earpiece and always

said, can I get a bit more... You know when a musician goes, can you adjust my levels? Imagine if I was like the whole show, Can I get a bit more You know when a musician goes Can you adjust my levels Imagine if I was like The whole show Can I get a bit more On my ear I love that When I see bands

And you see them Sort of look offside a stage And do the point Up into the air Get this up Just do that I'm going to start doing that Can I get a bit more

Bass in my reels Come on guys The only thing I ever know Is less gain yeah I don't know what that means More treble Is that a word Say stuff until people make it less shit.

Just until that happens. Okay, I'm going to start doing that. Yeah. You've been doing a version of that for a long time, Carl. Can someone turn up the laughter, please? Turn down the shitness. No, I mean constantly asking if the microphones are on and very liberal use of the C-bomb.

During the podcast, during the live podcast. I don't know. We're going to get a tech that's going to work finally. One of these days. Yeah. One of these days. During the comedy festival, I reckon. Yeah.

For a big chance. What you were saying before, Tommy, before we started the podcast, you've been getting missed calls. Oh, yeah. As we're ready to do this podcast. Yeah, Joel, do you know, is this a number that you know? Is this anyone that we know? Okay, the number is.

Should I put it in my phone and check? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it in your phone. Get your phone ready for this. Okay, so the number is. You ready? You ready? Okay, so the number is 00-00-00-00-00.

Is that anyone that you know? It's literally calls that Tommy's been missing What? They've called me three times That is so weird Isn't it Alexander Graham Bell? Like the first guy I don't know

Who invented a phone I presume this won't work Because triple zero is emergency That's got to be the biggest emergency of all time Like someone has blown up Bourke Street It literally thinks I'm trying to call emergency services and I'm a dumb cunt. Maybe it's my hairdresser.

He's running a little late, guys. When I had a very big Saturday night and I'm really nervous, I made a ten-minute phone call. I saw that you made phone calls to Eamon Sullivan. Did you? I don't know what it was about and I don't remember doing it but it says 10 minutes

or like 9 minutes 50. I'm really nervous. Someone's trying to score some sleeping pills. Really? Going on there. And you haven't thought to text him?

No, because I don't, like, it was like at 5am. Really? Yeah. Maybe I was trying to get Stephanie Rice's number

or something. Like, what was I, I don't know, I'm really worried about that. Yeah. 10 minutes, man. Yeah, what was was trying to get Stephanie Rice's number or something. What was I – I don't know. I'm really worried about that. Yeah. Ten minutes, man. Yeah, ten – what was I saying to him for ten minutes at five a.m.? Why was he taking the call at five a.m. for ten minutes?

Yeah, I don't know. God, I can't remember. Does he live in Perth? Yeah, he lives in Perth. There you go. It was two a.m. Oh, yeah. More reasonable.

Much more reasonable. Yeah. I don't know if I've told this on the podcast, but years ago, you and I bumped into each other at a gig and it was quite late at night. We were both pretty drunk. Yeah. And I didn't have your number, so we swapped numbers.

And I'd done that thing where I had then called you, so you had my number and put it in your phone. And then the next day you popped up on chat, you're like, so you tried to call me at 4am last night? What was going on there? And I go, you were getting my number so I could book you for a gig. Well, I get really nervous when people call. I don't know.

I get really nervous that I've done something. It's not good. It's not. The look through the call log. I had a night like that recently where I was going back through. It was like 2 a.m. and done a bit of going back through some previous flames and doing a bit of late night messaging.

And, oh, boy, a lot of scene at 2 a.m. and then no response for old Titas. No, I hadn't done that in fucking so long. And it's a horrific day the next day discovering that. Or accidentally double tapping like an old Instagram photo. Yes. Like two years old. My classic one was, this is how I went fishing. It was you put the text out like, yeah, yeah, I'll be at the bar in 15.

Send it to the girl. Oh. And then go, oh, sorry, miss hit it. Mustn't have sent it to you. Sortie up did. Nice. That's what I used to do. Does it work?

On and off. It wasn't like it was a strong strike rate. Because also it would be one of those arbitrary, you know, those weird ones that have been so long that the girl's almost like, I'm just at home with the kids. Oh, God. I feel like you would never have had problems, though, dating issues. I feel like I should be paying for this.

A masterclass from Diamond Dave himself. What did he want to go to uni for? Try and animate his pants. Come on. Try and get it moving. Animate his pants. Well, have they been cleaned recently? Did you pay attention in that 15 minutes?

When you were getting that masterclass of basic hygiene. Basic hygiene, yeah. Because you're sitting there going, well, duh. But what's everyone else doing? Is everyone else going, slow down, slow down? Yeah, is anyone taking notes? Is that with a C or a S? They call it SpongeBob Clean Pants.

Very good. Well, I was like, this is an outrage, I'm offended. And then I got real angry and I sold myself. So I was like, oh, well, this lesson's kind of got some merit to it. They're good. They know. They're good. Are you going to join any clubs at uni? Oh.

Like all the student paper or something? That's true. Any nerdier clubs that are nerdy than the thing you're actually doing? Yeah. There's a school – there's like a uni newsletter that you can contribute to. Cool. Yeah. Maybe I should put some stuff in.

You could write some funny stuff. Yeah, I'll write some little jokes. Yeah. Horoscopes. Just for us, I hope you get knocked back. A little bit more. Yeah, I'll write some little jokes. Yeah. Just for us, I hope you get knocked back. A little bit more. It's funny, but it's not ha-ha funny. I mean, imagine you saying this out loud.

I'll put an ad for the podcast in. See how that goes. I was the editor-in-chief of my school newspaper. Oh, yeah. The Wesley Enquirer, I rebranded. What was it? Well, it was just called the school newspaper, but I changed it because I went to Wesley. The Wesley Enquirer, I rebranded. What was it? Well, it was just called the school newspaper,

but I changed it because I went to Wesley College, Wesley Enquirer. I did a September issue, like Vogue do, completely black cover, just with the school emblem on the front. Is it a September issue? There's a big thing in the magazine world. And this is a public school, right? Yes. Members of the public public it was 72 pages long i had a gossip column

and the teachers gossiping about the teachers and the teachers started getting really nervous about me and like sort of starting to like pay me off with good grades they didn't want to be each month what's the gossip about you crack the code what's the gossip in high school like who's sleeping like the teachers were sleeping around and you're putting in the school newspaper about the teachers really subtly. Really? Yeah. Well, like so Mrs. Wormsworth has got a bit of detention

right up the backside from Mr. Roger. Kind of, yeah. Kind of, yeah. It was great. He went to Wesley College, not Welcome Back, Connor. Mrs. Wormsworth.'re not in a Beatrix Potter novel Which school chaplain Has been raping underage students

While my lips are sealed So you were the original TMZ Yeah absolutely Yeah Anna Wintour It was great I loved it Gossip Boy

Yeah I was the editor in chief We had a gossip column I wasn't just the gossip columnist So you're editor it. Gossip boy. Yeah. I was the editor-in-chief. We had a gossip column. I wasn't just the gossip columnist. So you're editor-in-chief, gossip columnist. What else? What's filling the other 70 pages? We had an advice column.

Ask Auntie Anita. It was our society and environment teacher. She would answer questions anonymously. Like, oh, I'm going on a date this weekend. All the questions made up by me. We didn't get anyone actually want the answers to their questions. It was great. It was very powerful.

Oh, that's awesome. I was also the arts captain. So I was very cool. But I got banned from speaking at assembly once because Condoleezza Rice came to speak at our school. What? No, I didn't go to a public school. And Condoleezza Rice came to speak at our school.

Now, you either went to a private school or juvie, the most intense juvenile jolly you can have. But she was so cool and she came along and all the different prefects were allowed to ask a question and I thought I'd do like a funny joke and I said, because you're the Secretary of State, Condoleezza, does that mean you have to do all of America's photocopying? Hilarious.

That's good. And banned from speaking at Assembly. Really? So I couldn't get any plugs in for the student newspaper. Somewhere off in Melbourne, Dave O'Neill's privilege senses are tingling like crazy right now. He loves it. I don't know how I got onto Condoleezza Rice.

Okay, here's a public school retort to the same situation where we played... What school? Scotty Cam came and spoke at your school. Literally just put up a pergola. There's a future for you all. Stop dropping out in year nine. There you go, kids.

Go fuck around under that. I'm out. Here's my gossip column. I had a wank. That's not gossip. You can confirm that yourself It was in the gym Can someone clean it up?

No one knows how to though Because I haven't gone to an animation school And learnt about that kind of hygiene Kids clean up your cum We can't stress that enough You're going to be coming in here And making Donald Duck go for a little walk You can't be covered in your own scene

Don't let us get Scotty Cum in here To tell you all about it. Come to Lisa, right? Sorry. Hey, don't ever apologise for such great cum. Cum tent. Yeah.

Cum tent. There you go, Reid. Enjoy that in your little photoshops. Basically, it was, now it's been built up, but it was the long and the short of it.

Played inter-school basketball. We came all of third or something and then got a little flag, a little banner to put up. No trophy, no nothing, just he put that up. And they got me to present it to the principal. But I got up and said, okay, and then we won and we got this funky little flag. But as I said it, it came out as fucking little flag.

And I never got, they were like, ah, it happens. Like you got stricken from ever talking again with me. They're like, ah, well. I'm Dave Thornton. I'm here with my little fuck flag. Oh, God. Do you know how to spell it properly? Well, he's done all right.

Do you still have any of these newsletters? I have them all, yeah. Could we republic, we do a newsletter for this podcast now. Do you still have any of these newsletters? I have them all, yeah. Could we do a newsletter for this podcast now? Do you? Yeah. Do you? Wow. Could we run some?

I'm really getting up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're at the level that you were in in year 10. Yeah, I'll get you one. I'll get you a September issue. Yeah, can we rerun some content? Get the gossip column. We'll run the gossip column.

Yeah, absolutely. That would be awesome. Those teachers will be like, oh, fuck. The gossip column for this show. So who drove off the Westgate this week? Who's finally clocked 120 kilograms? Who was running 45 minutes late to a podcast recording? You were saying before the show started as well, Tommy, because we've got t-shirts for

sale now. We've got a new design. A newsletter, t-shirts. I know. We're all grown up. We've got t-shirts for sale. We ran a new design recently for all the people that subscribe to us via Patreon. People kick in a certain amount of money, they get a free t-shirt off us.

You came to me with a question before the show saying, next time we run off some podcast T-shirts, you had a request. Well, earlier in the year you told me that our T-shirt guy had a deal where if we recommended someone else to get a run of T-shirts done, what, we would get 20% off our order and they would get 10% off? Something like that, yeah. Yeah, so we were trying to find someone. I thought this offer was still on the table. So I went to someone who I know who wants to get T-shirts made

and has for a long time, my dad. Now my dad has come up with a number of… He knew someone. Yeah. My dad has come up with a number of comedy slogans and for years he's been asking me, how do you make T-shirts? And I just tell him, I go, well, you could do that. You could put it on like Redbubble where people just…

you get like a dollar per shirt they make up or you could like make them yourself which is like bigger overhead but then you'll get sort of more return on it and then you've got to sell them yourself. And he's like, okay. You should call me apprentice. You are the doyen of T-shirt making. You know a lot about this. But then a week later he'll come to me and go,

so what are we doing about these T-shirts? I'm like, what do you mean? I've given you the information. You tell me what you want to do. By the way, for people at home, I'm like you. I'm not listening to any of this. I just want to know what these fucking slogans are. Right, okay.

I cannot wait. He's got a bunch. His big one that he thinks is going to be a big, big sell. And tell me, guys, what you think of this. He records T-shirts that say, I heart gluten. Right. Just to react against people who don't like gluten. He's like, everyone's anti-gluten now.

He wants to start a movement of people being gluten and proud. People that don't love New York anymore, they're more into gluten. I used to love New York and then I had a bit of this gluten stuff that everyone's going on about. Okay. And then what's his other one? His other one is – I don't think that would go down well in your animation class, by the way.

I love gluten. I reckon it actually will. Here's his other one. I'm a boat person. What? Yeah. I'm a boat person. What? Yeah. I'm not sure I quite get it, but... He's sticking it to the man, isn't he?

Yeah. Which is stupid because if you are a boat person, you could buy this shirt for a lot cheaper from wherever you come from. You're not buying a $30 T-shirt in Australia. No, I think it's meant to be like we're all boat people. I don't know. I think that's kind of the message he's going for. Yeah, real Australians say welcome.

Okay. And you're going to sell them for $30. Well, so this is what I propose to you, Kyle. A guy that's a 65-year-old architect is just looking for some way of making some new. Yeah, some sweet scratch. He's not 65. Oh, I'm trying to play his age down.

He's not 65. You know how old he to play his age down. He's not 65. You know how old he is. I'm 29. He was 40 when he had me. Is he the age of dinner for two? Is he? Can I just say this has been the best year of my life, my dad being 69.

It's so good. Does your dad listen to the podcast? No. No, he's 69. You're not listening to him? He your dad listen to the podcast? No. No, he's 69. You're not listening to him? He doesn't listen to the podcast, but he does go to see when Chandler's hosting Bingo Night, which is good.

Dinner for two, 69. Two fat ladies. Two fat ladies going down on each other, 69. So here's my proposal, right? Next time. Nah, don't do the jokes, mate. Stick to the heckling. Do the banter.

Don't do the jokes. Stick to the 60-90, mate. None of this riddle crap. So I propose next time we get a new T-shirt design made up, we see if we can get this deal again. I've mentioned this because I thought the deal was still on the table. So I mentioned to him, I'm like, hey, we might be able to get you – we're getting the new run done. It would cost this much and then maybe we could was still on the table. So I mentioned to him, I'm like, hey, we might be able to get you, you know, we're getting the new run done.

It would cost this much and then maybe we could like plug him on the podcast. And he's into it. So I think if we, when we get a next run of T-shirts done, I reckon Dad will go in on cahoots with us. The only thing would be we'd have to plug them on this pod. We'd have to get him in here to do some ads. So we'd sort of be, I would be competing to sell T-shirts against my own dad. Which would be weird. But what do you reckon? I mean, I would be competing to sell T-shirts against my own dad, which would be weird.

But what do you reckon? I mean, I'd like to hear from the listeners. Would you buy an I Heart Gluten T-shirt from Mr. D Allsop? I do like about this is I think the angle he's going to go with is, you know, those older guys when they're selling white goods, they've always lost their mind. Yeah. So your dad needs to do that.

Oh, God. What's your man's name? David Oh Crazy Dave Crazy Dave Crazy Dave I'm giving away t-shirts

Oh demented Dave's at it again Yeah Crazy Dave I'm so crazy I think these t-shirts are good Come down and get some Yeah

Yeah So what do you reckon? Do we do Do you hate gluten? Well fuck off Because crazy Dave loves it Yeah Sure

He's got other If we get feedback from people, look, you know, I personally, I'm going to put it out there, I'm not going to buy one. But, you know, there are people out there. Yeah, I'll take, because he's got other ones. He's got other... Oh, great.

He's got other slogans. I'll just text him now and see if I can get him on. I'm happy to hear. People rock up to your live shows with shirts on. Yeah. Like, Dumb Dumb Club. I'm always impressed by that. Yeah, people come to...

That's good. I've seen them. Thorno, you've had people In Brisbane Like did I say this I think I said this On the podcast last week Or the week before

But someone A podcast listener Actually rang me I usually get text messages Emails whatever I got one A phone call From someone saying

Can you please I just ordered a t-shirt But can you please Make sure That you put it in the post today Because I'm going to see Anne Edmonds show And Dave Thornton show In Brisbane And I'm like cool And then he's immediately like I because I'm going to see Anne Edmond's show and Dave Thornton's show in Brisbane.

And I'm like, cool. And then he's immediately like, I'm definitely not going to see your show though. Okay, cool. Nice. No, he was sitting front and centre. Yeah. And there was this something of the crowd and this guy went, yep.

And I clocked in. I think his name was Mick. And yeah, it was one of those. I saw the T-shirt and I thought, this needs a hell of a lot of explaining. Yeah. Just, oh, I've got two retarded mates that do a podcast. And had that go down at the top of a show. It's a good open, that.

Yeah. Someone better come to my show in a dum-dum club. If I've raced here from a hair appointment. Yeah, they definitely will. If someone doesn't come in a dum-dum club. The term raced gets chucked around a little bit too much these days. Casually. You did pop back to your African hairdresser to get your head done

before you came here. I think I'm illegally parked, by the way. Anyway, whatever. Oh, really? No, it doesn't matter. You're on Channel 10, Colin. You're all right. It's fine.

I don't care. You probably are actually illegally parked out there. I don't care. You probably are actually illegally parked out there. You'll get – Well, if you're – I don't even know where we are. Yeah, right. Well, if you're anything like me, like I've told the story a few weeks ago about I think I'm doing all right. I'm in Hawthorne.

I'm in the privileged streets of Hawthorne. I like Hawthorne. This is Hawthorne. This is Hawthorne. Well, God, I put in for the sat-nav and everything. Yeah. So you're here. We – I got my number plates ripped off the front of my car overnight.

Someone wanted them. They wanted to do a. You didn't have like a comedy number plate or something? No, no, I didn't. I didn't. I was contemplating getting one to replace those. Yeah. Joke S-T-A-G-O-K-E-S-T-A.

Man. Yeah. Riddle Mobile. Stick to the walking. Don't drive your car. It's not your bag, buddy. So I had my car out there without number plates like a day or two, and then I started getting notes on my windscreen just saying –

and I got three different notes on there going, hey, I noticed your car. I think it's a great car. I would love to maybe talk about buying it. And I'm arrogantly going, yeah, it is a good car. Why wouldn't everyone want to buy it? And then I start reading them back going, you know, maybe I might sell it. Maybe they're going to be offering me like 10, 15 grand or something

because they're obviously a fan of the vintage car, the vintage BMW. And I'm ringing them up and it's just bogans at like wrecking yards going, yeah, so you had no fucking number plate. So what would you take like, you know, what would you take for it? I'm like,

oh, well, I don't know. Are you offering like 10 grand? He's like, I was thinking a hundred bucks. Like, no,

I can't believe I'm making a loss ringing you back. You want a hundred bucks for my car? We saw all the Macca's rappers on the back seat. Would you take it for a filet of fish?

This guy was not pronouncing it fillet, by the way. A fillet-o-fucking-fish? Yeah, yeah. These were wreckers that were eating me. I don't know how they just found my car. Within two days, it was like three different notes on my windscreen saying, I want to smash your

car apart and maybe get a glove box out of it, maybe, for a hundred bucks. Wow. Great. Oh, man. I remember I took my old Hyundai XL when it was on its last legs tour records because it was the best money I could get for it and I remember actually driving over your favourite place, the Westgate. Yes. I was trying to go over it and I had like a three-ton lorry behind me that was completely

full honking me in the left-hand lane. Right. It was coming up behind me and I was going slower than it. I was furiously trying to get over the West Gate and I kind of kicked it into a wrecker's yard and then like... Oh, by the way, that would be great, honking someone on the West Gate and someone just going, all right, I'm trying to kill myself as quick as I can, all right?

You're really fucking this up for me. Get out of your way soon. Yeah. I'll deal with it. And what happens to the wreckers they just wreck it they literally just yeah that's it

they just pick it apart for all the parts and stuff and just crunch it kind of like Star Wars episode one the Phantom Menace where he works

is it like that oh oh this isn't Steel's podcast come on I was just wanting you know get in a like a reference

that wasn't too gay or you failed. What I really want to say is Holly go lightly. I wanted to go like a wrecking ball with my ex-girlfriend.

This is like, yeah, speaking of wrecking balls, this isn't like Madonna's concert the other day. Oh, zing. I didn't go.

Well, while we're manning it up, I might as well tell you then if you're talking about cars, my Vespa story. Yeah. Just for my brutish Vespa. Hang on, hang on.

When has that ever been said before? If you want to man up a story, you don't include a Vespa. But anyway, sure. When you walked in here, Dave, about four hours ago now, you had sunnies on and you had a jacket and your forehead was kind of red, which sort of implied to me, oh, Dave's turned up. Because I thought maybe Dave's gotten a sweet hog or something. You had the look of a real bikey kind of guy.

Hold on, are you driving a Vespa at the moment? Yeah, man, riding this sweet Vespa. It's out front, isn't it? Tell me it is. Why? By choice? Yeah, absolutely. It might be like a promo for work that Fifi's dead, you should drive a Vespa for a week. I've got one of these things here for radio.

No, off my own volition which now I've realised is heaps out of. I'm sorry. Okay. To be honest, I don't actually know what a Vespa is.

Scooter. Okay. Yes, a scooter. All right. And then, well, it actually is. I'm sorry, but you're not gay anymore.

I'm sorry. It is my fiancé's to be honest. Oh, really? It makes it less manly. So what's that word? Fiancé. Okay, I'll look it up later.

It's really offensive. So you're on your Vespa. Yeah. Well, the thing is we were parking it in the stairwell where my apartment block is and it was a little bit cheeky because – but it is wide enough so people could walk past it. But Nikki and I were both, well, we'll put it there until someone tells us otherwise. Let's just keep doing that. And then it was, we'd been doing that for months

and just thinking. You fucking showbiz types. You walk around like your buddy owned the place. I've had it. I've had a fucking gutful. And to be honest, I just grabbed the keys and throw it at someone. Hey, you fuck it, kid.

And your number plate is, personalized number plate is secret sound. All right, we get it, mate. We get it. You're in breakfast radio. It literally is 131016. And then I got a call from my manager, Aaron Atoken, who just said, you've got to move your Vespa. And I said, why do I have to move my Vespa?

And she said, well, someone in your apartment block Googled you, obviously, came up to token management, went to the contacts, got in contact with her, and then now she is telling me I've got to move my Vespa. Just brutal. That is just the perks of management. Just you not getting your front door kicked down, your manager has to deal with your illegal parking.

How does that work? Yeah. Did you not think when she first said you have to move your Vespa that it was some new show in the vein of like, don't forget your toothbrush? Yeah, you're like, oh, you've got to move your Vespa. No, I reckon it's more like your manager's getting the call and it's like, can you get Thornton to move his Vespa? Well, I'll quote you 10 grand.

Yeah, we'll need 15% of that. That's officially a corporate, so he'll do it for 10, but you have to pick him up. He has to have a ride. He needs a bottle of water and some Mentos. Normally she's calling me about a corporate. This time it's about a body corporate, am I right? God, I love comedy. Quickly a joke.

All right, you told that joke, now you've shit your pants. Now we've talked about body hygiene, Tommy. A one-night stand I once had returned a watch via my manager. I didn't give them my number so they contacted my management and said,

I slept with Joel on the weekend. I've got his watch. I've got his watch and his test results. And his dignity. We have got to get managers and have sex.

And your manager had your phone number? Yes. Old one. That sounds like the competency of a good manager. You guys are at Hungry Jacks enough. There's managers there. Maybe they could be your conduit.

Yes. Hey, guys, thanks for getting your meals again. By the way, it's recyclables on Wednesday. You've got to take them out. Yeah, you turn up and you're like, I demand to speak to the manager. And then he comes out and is like, will you produce my show?

My numbers are down. What can I do about this? I am ready to do the gala. Get me on. Joe, would you get your manager to do a fair bit? I reckon you're, you know, this isn't a diss. This is more of a thing of I reckon you would go, right, I've got a manager. They need to do everything.

They need to do a lot for me. Yeah. You push them hard. You get your money's worth out of your manager. They need to do everything. Yeah. They need to do a lot for me. Yeah. You push them hard. You get your money's worth out of your manager. Absolutely. Yeah. Why? No, no, no, no, nothing.

I just have the idea of you, like Thornton's more of a person that, you know, rides a Vespa. You're more of a person that goes, I want a pink limo. That's what I want. I want something going on. Yeah. They come with the minimised things. Yeah. But also because I'm very disorganised.

But I don't even know in Hawthorne. There you go. Yeah, they come with me to most things. Yeah. But also because I'm very disorganised. But I don't even know we're in Hawthorne. There you go. Yeah, yeah. In a good way, I think that you're a person that wants to appreciate. You're in the showbiz life. Yeah. Let's do it. I'm very showbiz.

Let's do the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, I love me some showbiz. Have you got a rider? Do you request riders? Do you have a rider? Yeah. What's the fanciest thing you've demanded?

A trailer. Oh, yeah. What for? If I'm on TV, like if I'm regularly working on a TV show, I'll have a trailer. Yeah. Yeah, right. With like air conditioning and stuff.

They want to, you're not okay with like a room in the building? It's got to be like an off site. Oh, no, it can be a room in the building. Really living in a building. I don't like sharing with people. Yeah, right. I don't want to rock up and be sharing with, you know, like Sonia Kruger or something.

Yeah, Dastlo's left the soil fancy. Not that she wants to either, probably. That's probably the fanciest thing I've demanded. Nothing crazy? Nothing crazy? Like no snakes in my bed in Africa? No, I needed a copy of the 2007 Wesleyan Choir June edition on the coffee table.

Do you have an assistant? I do during when I'm touring touring okay yeah you know what i liked about this story is that you're right you hear about performers saying you know i want x y and z i deserve this much beer or food or whatever i did notice that in a weird way last year chandler in your show which is you telling jokes a comedian every night heckling you yep but the night i was there as you got some return customers who were now just ready to insult you the entire hour, they'd gotten wind that Tommy Little had bought everyone beer the nights before.

So they were like your demanding manager. They're looking at me like, Oi, you work on Breakfast Radio. Where's our beers, fuckhead? Did you buy it for everyone? Well, I bought a six-pack and said, Oh, I made them share. No, I said, whoever's got the best way to give Chandler shit

gets himself a beer. This is a reward system. You don't just get it for nothing. And then also because Tommy Little lives a Justin Bieber-like lifestyle where he just goes, beers for everyone

and I'm buying Buck Hunter so I can break it at home. I'm going to come along this year and buy everyone French champagne and Coke and fuck everyone else up. Fuck yeah. No, don't do this

because this is what happens in my show because everyone now knows you let participant passes in right I cancelled my show that night

Tommy's bringing all the kids from uni man this is what happens because people found out that Thornow shouted beers

Little shouted beers Gleason shouted people shots people now hit me up and go they don't say oh you know

I can't wait to see your show They say Can we please have a timetable Of who is the guest So we know the people with the most money We know the breakfast radio people Who are coming in

We don't want Daslo coming in Where he's going around the crowd Asking for loose change We want someone shouting drinks So don't say that Because people I'm going to get messages I like the competition

How's Little going to go doing it this year when he's not on that breakfast radio coin anymore? People are going to be in there. Expectation's going to be high. I don't think he's realised that yet. I think he's still spending money like he is. I don't think that'll worry him. Yeah, this is the retribution.

Now Little will come back and get those. Come on, guys. Who was in last year? Can someone chip in for rent? Come on, guys. Let's make this happen. All right, the night I do it, I'll get the audience to proofread my assignments.

How does that sound? Oh, nice. I'm going to hire a caterer. Oh, fuck. Wow. No, they're not desolate. They have to come and sponge bath you to make sure that your hygiene levels are coming up. If you get a bath that I can sit in and do that, I'll definitely allow that to happen.

I'm not sure if that's... Just them with little tummy. And arms up. It's getting in my eyes. It's getting in my eyes. It stinks. It's toothbrush time. Come on.

In one of my classes, my illustration class, we're doing life drawing in a couple of weeks. Do you want to come? Do you want me to get you in? Like to be the model. Oh, no. I want to see that pain is what I'm trying to say. This has been a long game This whole going to school thing

But okay Alright Oh man Did we ever talk about On this On the show This was a fascination of ours For a while

Of going along To a life drawing class And say it's a Say you're drawing a dude You just draw it with a dick That is like Eight times the size Of the

Like Really comical Yeah That was the other thing We got a We got a preparation lecture For the life drawing class About like

Any laughing Any fucking around Yeah yeah Any Any immaturity Yeah, that was the other thing. We got a preparation lecture for the life drawing class about like any laughing, any fucking around, any immaturity, you'll be out immediately. And I'm like, man, this class is going to be the greatest challenge. Talk to you guys like children. Aren't they just oven mitts for everyone? Okay. Not skin on skin touching. I want to see hands at all times.

You know, because, yeah, I studied graphic design. Yeah. And then we had life drawing every week. Yeah, to get those at all times. You know, because I studied graphic design and then we had life drawing every week. Yeah, to get those right angles down. Yeah, exactly. We had life drawing as well. Totally. But I remember all the students, because it's like, it's probably more now, but it was like $40, $80,

something like that, like an hour. It's easy cash. Oh, yeah, sure. And then so you would get the third like, the third-year students. They were the ones who were in your first year invariably. They'd go, you know, because they're artsy and liberal and they're like, yeah, fuck it, I'll do it. Yeah.

So they come down. And so one of the first ones that we had, this guy who was just this ginger metal head. Like a guy would walk around in Sepultura black T-shirts and just pallid skin and slightly overweight but a long orange ponytail. And he's like, I'll give this a shot. But as soon as he kind of walked in there like, yeah, who cares?

I'll do it. But then as soon as he had to start stripping down, all the confidence just fell away. Oh, no. And then he's standing there. Like a raw comedy heat. Totally man of life drawing. And you're standing around 360 degrees.

Like there's no way you can hide at all. And they said, right, whatever pose that you want. And he just cupped his junk. That was the one pose he decided, I'll cover myself with my hand. And it's just so awkward. Wow. Yeah. Did you get a good drawing out of it though?

Mate, I was furiously masturbating. I wish I'd had Tommy's warning to be honest. I didn't know any better. masturbating. I wish I'd had Tommy's warning to be honest. I didn't know any better. I get the whole thing of you've got to be respectful and don't be a dick but it's also

like it is funny. Just on a base level a human being standing in front of a room of other people getting nude and going draw me. That's funny. That is funny. You're talking about, you know, when you were at school doing that sort of art stuff.

When I studied, we had graphic design in one lab and then there was like one door that separated us from like more the fine arts. So we would sort of share life drawing sort of bits and pieces and whatever and you have to go through the door. And what I didn't realise when I first started graphic design was that, you know, you can make a war out of any two sort of types of people but I didn't

really think that but they'd already on our side of the door it was like oh yeah go next door to the stink lab of the fine arts students and they're fucking idiots and eating out of the bin and whatever and it's like oh alright we're just making enemies with these guys that seems a bit unfair until I went through

the door and saw what they'd written on the other side about us. And it was like, all right, what have you guys got about the graphic designers? It was like, oh, check out everyone next door. They're all clean. What? That's your insult? Yeah, they're all clean and it's all like white and, you know, they all wash and stuff.

It's like, man, you've got to step up your insult game. Like, yeah, we're clean. That's a good thing. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Yeah, nothing. Sorry about it. You're not a real artist if you're not just bathing in your own sweat and faeces day in, day out.

You're not really appreciating the struggle. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Anyway. Thank God I didn't go to uni. Yeah, yeah. Jeez.

I did go to uni for two months. Oh, what did you study? I studied political science and foreign affairs. Then I dropped out. This is why I dropped out because A, it was boring. But B, one day the lecturer told me I have messy handwriting and I went, that's it. Really?

I'm not putting up with this level of abuse. I am out. What did you drop out to go straight into? Stand-up. Oh, really? You just went, that's it? I was doing stand-up at the time. Oh, okay.

And Today Tonight had run a feature piece for me. The Perth Today Tonight had run a feature piece for me the night before. So I was so up myself. Oh, really? Because I thought everyone was looking at me. Oh, this is back when you were a dodgy Asian landlord. Yeah. Yeah, I was fighting with my neighbour.

Hang on. Let's stop blaming the whole handwriting debacle. You were on TV as a stand-up on TV. That's why you dropped out of uni. I don't think it was because of your handwriting. Well, no, I was 16 and studying and I was doing a package on raw comedy. I was one of the contestants and I was on for like five seconds in the package. I was so up myself and I thought everyone was looking at me

and I was like, respect my privacy. I'm just like you. I quit. You're having to write about yourself in your own gossip column. I did actually a few times. That's good. Perth's a great place for – I've always got this thing about comedy in different cities. I always think what's the weirdest comedy city?

And Perth's always up there because it is a weird city for comedy because I find like anyone as soon as like you know for example like you you're on today tonight you're like fuck this Perth I'm out of here I'm going to Melbourne that's where the bright lights of comedy are in Australia and so everyone fucks off from their hometown as soon as they can and then they just leave people that sort

of can't do comedy as well anymore we were talking about the term personality which I find hilarious to describe a local Perth celebrity kind of thing. Yeah, every year the West Australian local paper asks me to contact me and they say, we're doing an article on how Perthanalities are spending Christmas. And I'm like, please don't call me that. Okay, well, I'm going to start the day with champagne.

Every year. Yeah, it is a weird one. You just go to Perth And they're Because Perth's got the biggest crowds I think sort of for comedy Yeah And you go there And it's just filled with people

That are Because as soon as you get A good five minutes It's like I'm going to Melbourne now And it's filled with people That are like Alright there's 300 people here What else is going on here

Did somebody say dark sandwich Yeah But then also like that But then the locals go, yeah, fuck it, $55 a ticket? Yeah. Yeah. It's the most bizarre economy, isn't it?

Like it's crazy. Someone is making a lot of money in Perth. Really, they should be paying more money for our tickets. I think next year we'll go back to Perth and charge $200. Sure. Yeah, sure. We only need to get a quarter of the amount of people and it's balanced out. Yeah, do you guys do a live podcast in Perth? We'll do another one later this Sure. Yeah, sure. We only need to get a quarter of the amount of people and it's balanced out.

Yeah, do you guys do a live podcast in Perth? We'll do another one later this year. Yeah, sure. And any personalities, I know them all. Oh, really? Yeah, we've got a WhatsApp group. Do you? Yeah.

Who's the biggest personality? Like, who's the biggest personality? Well, I'm a really... Basil's emplus, if you know him. Who, sorry? Basil's emplus. Fat Cat's quite big. He's the cat that says goodnight to the children after the news. Is that still on? Yeah. Is he still going? Fat Cat It's quite big He's the Cat that says

Goodnight to the children After the news Is that still on? Is he still going? Fat Cat's massive Really? Fat Cat's still in Perth Fat Cat's still in Perth

Really? Yeah I literally thought Fat Cat didn't exist anymore Fat Cat's in Perth Have you got Humphrey the Bear Over there as well? Yeah he does

Humphrey the Bear Humphrey the Bear Humphrey had a good Five minutes And moved to Melbourne. Fat Cat still does that shit three minutes. If he claps three times, you've got rain coming. That's how you know it works with Humphrey.

I can see why he got done from radio. Agro's the crime reporter. Humphrey needs to do an animation course and get that lecture on hygiene. Just walking around not wearing pants. You'd never get away with that at SAE, I'll tell you that much. One thing I remembered from being in Perth, just doing gigs there that even just get you in to do radio on like a Thursday morning.

Like, oh, you're here? Okay, just come down. And I remember there was a guy on their mix show, which was the highest rating show there. Huge. But on the billboards, this guy would always cover his face. Oh, like the stick. Yeah, he was like. Body cut. Body cut body cut yeah you can only hear my voice guys and i'm like is that how bad

it is you're walking down northbridge and going guys i need you to all just back off back off i should have done that that's why i went wrong you know yeah the money makers out there now horse bolts yeah no perth weird it's weird i mean i, going back to Perth on the weekend to MC a wedding. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Someone you know? Yeah. No, it's a corporate.

Oh, no, I don't know. That's what happens. I don't know. It could be you're famous enough that people would just want you. I sometimes do get people, I get emails like, will you come and speak at my 21st? Can you come and host this thing that you're not allowed to do? Yeah, but pretty rich.

For money, I would do anything. Like, for money, I would do anything Like for money I would like If the Australian Christian lobby Were like we want to make you the face But we'll give you A lot of screen time And 50 grand I'd be like sure

Yeah Would you be in one of those Sexual health ads Where they're like This guy's got fucking the clap Yeah sure Name your price Absolutely

Absolutely Yeah I'd endorse Trump For like 10 grand Yeah Yeah Hates gays Fine by me

10 grand Maybe a bit more 12 I'm just thinking 15% commission Oh yeah 11 and a half So would you do

Would you do an ad Because that would be That would be amazing If you lent your efforts To the Christian lobby To say Gay people shouldn't get married Can you imagine

You'd be the face of that Corey Bernardi Not reading the play at all. Just an upbeat dude. Just friendly. Oh man, that would be the best prank of all time. That would be amazing. I'll contact

them. Yeah, see if they're keen. Get your manager onto it. In between body corporate stuff, see if you can get your manager. I'm not at the hairdresser. When your manager has some spare time off from getting all those Casios and swatches sent in, get on to the Christian Lobby. Guys, I think we should wrap it up for this week of The Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Dave Thornton, Joel Creasy, thank you so much for joining us. Oh, thank you. You guys are both about to do comedy festival shows. At Max Watts. At Max Watts House of Music, formerly the Hi-Fi Bar. The loudest stand-up show You'll hear this year Yeah that's Well actually I'm in

Canberra this weekend Oh yeah This bad boy comes out So I'll be up there Friday and Saturday night You're where? Canberra Oh I think

In Canberra Where's that? That's the next sub I'll be in Canberra Well in five minutes guys If this podcast Comes out immediately As far as I can tell

From my Mel ways That's where I'll be heading down. So it'll be Canberra on the – now I've screwed it. Canberra on the weekend. And then, yes, I'll be supporting Joel Creasy. Yeah, you can come and see us back to back. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, for Mel. Yeah. I don't know who's on after. Fuck them. Who cares? Who cares? Because we both blow out, so they'll be on stage at about 11 o'clock! You guys are both a bit

of a sticky foot double. Honestly, I'm in trouble because I'm normally the last show of the night, but I'm not this year. You'd be happy, the first run of my festival show in Brisbane, I ran like hour 15, hour 20.

Just shitting around. That was for a five-minute spot, so yes. Oh, right. Yeah, that's that. That was at Spleen last night. We've also got our shows on sale. Oh, let me quickly say this. I'm in Hobart.

Oh, quickly. What are the names of these guys' shows? Dave Thornton. So on and so forth. Yes. Which means nothing. Mine's called The Crown Prince? Oh, yeah. Dave Thornton. So on and so forth. Yes. Which means nothing. Mine's called The Crown Prince. Oh, it is?

Yeah. Oh, because I saw your ad and it just says The Crown Prince above. I thought that that was an actual credit and I was like, did you get knighted or something? Yeah, I did by Channel 10. Right.

On their ads. And I thought that would make a good comedy festival title and not piss off any other male comedians. Yeah. Yeah, I thought you'd just go on with just Joel Creasy. No, well, I think it is just kind of. Well, there's no theme to the show.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Come see my show, The Crown Pauper. I'm in Hobart this weekend, actually. Thursday night I'm in Hobart and then Friday night I'm in Launceston. Would love to see some fans of the show out there. I love Launceston. Oh, so do I.

Yeah, it's so good. Yeah, those gigs are great. So anyone listening who hasn't gotten onto that yet, get onto our Facebook and stuff. We've got all the details there, at the Republic Bar and Fresh Cafe. We've also got all of our huge live podcasts for Melbourne on sale at littledumbdumbclub.com,

as well as our solo shows, the 40th birthday Carl Chandler extravaganza that we're doing on Wednesday, March 30th, and as well as that, the final night drunk cast that is going to be fucking awesome. You guys are well and truly invited to the drunk cast. Oh, thank you. Never come. I've heard amazing things.

It's, yeah, well, amazing to work. I'm not too drunk. It's debaucherous. Were you there last year? I don't think you were, were you? Mate, because of radio now I've got to put my head in I can't go near it

Because you can't just have A nice white wine spritzer And call it a night No No I think you should go Free slap in the face From Lawrence Mooney upon entry

For everyone invited Yeah yeah You don't need a wristband You just get this big red welt On your face You know that you're supposed to be there I think he does it maybe via Twitter Here we go Alright guys Thanks very much for listening get this big red welt on your face, you know that you're supposed to be there. I was going to say, does it maybe via Twitter?

Oh, here we go. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.