The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 285 - Live! Wil Anderson, Nick Cody, David Quirk & Greg Larsen

Episode Date: March 23, 2016

Pickle Catching, TV Spots and Our Biggest Fan.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Yalla Chocolate Mousse. What a plentiful relationship we have with those guys. How long has it been now? Are we going to get invited to the Yalla Christmas party? You reckon we can stretch this out for like another, what, nine months? How long has it been now? It's been like four months or something, right? Yeah, four or five months or something.

They love us. Literally, I got two text messages from people about Yala today. Wow. So it is still happening all the time. I've got to be honest. I thought this would be a thing where we'd put it out there, people would be eating the moose for a week, and then it would die off.

But I also thought that about a certain phone number that I put out in the ether several years ago now. And I thought that about people listening to this show. I thought that about our friendship. I thought that about people listening to this show. I thought that about our friendship. I thought that about my life. All right, well, that's the last one. I can't piggyback off that. Guys, this is it.

This is your last warning before the Melbourne International Comedy Festival live shows that we're doing. We start this Sunday. Jesus Christ. If you're listening to this straight away in the first couple of days that it comes out, you're a real eager beaver. Yeah. Just waiting by the old download hole for this to come down the pipe. Sitting out the

front of your house by your internet mailbox, just waiting for the podcast posty to come by. Like a modern day old woman from Donnie Darko. With a rolled up podcast with a lacquer band around it, throwing it into your hedges. Jesus Christ. This is, yeah, this is it.

This Sunday it kicks off for a month at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. These shows are always, they've gotten better and better every year, haven't they, Carl? Yeah, and so this is the point. If you're hearing this a couple of days to go before it starts, this is the last chance to make it worth your while to get a season pass. If you get your season pass, you basically get a couple of shows for free, really.

You can still keep doing it after this week, but it's a rip-off. It's not a good deal. You can do it in May. Just give us some money. You know what? Let's keep them on sale. Let's extend the sale date and just see how long we can keep selling these things for. Just

expired season passes. Yeah, exactly. If season passes that have gone off, yeah, they smell a bit funny, but we'll still sell them to you. They smell a bit funny even when they're current. You know what? If it gets to May,

in May, I'm going to half the price of the season passes. 50% off. I don't know, man. I'm not signing off on this. It feels like we're going to take a real bath on this. But yeah, season passes. That's great value.

Out of that, you're getting four podcasts plus the drunk cast. Do do that. Also, yeah, every Sunday, the Comedy Festival, huge guests lined up. We've also got, in a week's time, the Carl Chandler 40th birthday show. So get your ticket for that because that's not inclusive. That's not included in the season pass yet. There's going to be, oh man, there's so much good stuff lined up. If you've got no job, it's an 11 o'clock show on a Wednesday night.

If you're a comic listener to this, you'll obviously come. But if you're not, quit your job. And it's brutal because it's like on a Wednesday. So it's not even, if it was like that late on a Thursday night, it's like, you know what? Tomorrow's Friday. You know what they call that? Poets Day. Piss off early. Tomorrow's Saturday. What? Have you know what they call that? Poets Day. Piss off early, tomorrow's Saturday.

What? Have you ever heard that? No. Poets Day. Poets. P-O-E-T-S. Piss off early, tomorrow's Saturday. Oh, okay.

That sounds like something I should know and you shouldn't. That sounds really stupid and something my dad would say. But if it was a Thursday night, it's like, okay, great. I hate my job. I'll just bunk off on Friday. But a Wednesday night, it's like, okay, great. I hate my job. I'll just bunk off on Friday. But a Wednesday night, I mean, that's a big ask. But you know what? People are still snapping them up.

We, I reckon we're just about nearly full, aren't we? Yeah. We're pretty. We've sold as many tickets as number of years that you're turning. 21 tickets. That is. Yeah, that's a joke about how shit we are. Our favourite kind of joke.

By the way, we're doing this late at night after the gig that I run, Catfish Comedy, and I bumped into a listener on the way out of the gig and I said, hey, I had to be rude. I have to leave this conversation because I'm going to meet Carl to record an ad for the top of the podcast. And she went, oh, God. Meaning, oh, God, I'm so annoyed that I'm not there. I'm coming right now at the mere thought of this ad.

Oh my God. I love the idea of things being sold. Ads. Okay, so littledumbdumbclub.com. We also, hey, if you listen to this as soon as it comes out tomorrow, we start our comedy festival shows for the whole month. I've got little gold. Solo, that is.

What? Our solo shows. Yeah, I said that. No, you said our comedy festival shows. Oh. Yeah. Okay. That just sounds like you're saying the same thing over again.

I am. Oh, by the way, if you don't have a season pass for our podcast, get one of them as well. Did I mention Yellow Moose yet? Was there any heavy machinery you were operating that you should have been at the gig tonight? Yeah, we've got our solo shows. Mine is Little Golden Dasolo. It is a show where everyone in the audience gets a book and they read along.

There's little pictures in it. 8.45 at the Grand McHugh downstairs lounge. Does it sound a little bit like we're doing this while mum and dad are in bed or we're not supposed to be recording? It sounds like we're both a bit quiet. Yeah, because that's literally, well, not actually my mum and dad are in bed or we're not supposed to be recording. So it sounds like we're both a bit quiet. Yeah, because that's literally, well, not actually my mum and dad, but my two housemates. Well, you did say literally.

So is Tom Ballard your dad? Yes, my two dads are in their separate beds. They've entered that point in their life. Are your parents doing that yet, by the way, sleeping in separate beds? No. Did your grandparents do that? Yes. Because both of my Did your grandparents do that? Yes. Because both of my sets of grandparents did that.

Right. And my parents are pretty old now. And you're Charlie Bucket, aren't you? Yes. Right. No. No, that's the opposite. They're all in the same bed.

That's right. They were too. I'm wondering if my parents are ever going to do that. Do you reckon that, generationally? Why is it an age thing that they have to get in a different bed? Yeah, I don't know. I used to, when I was a little kid, I thought it was real weird that my grandparents slept in separate beds. But then, before she left,

um... What? Before she left, my ex, when I would be... And she will be back, by the way. But I had many nights with my... in relationships where I've gone, yeah, it sounds fucking great. Hang on. What?

No, I thought the end of this story was going to be, before she left, we were sleeping in separate beds. I'm like, there was a little hint I could have helped you out on back there. Oh, no, I was still talking about my grandparents. Before my grandma walked out on us when she was 80. Well, no, when you first said that, I thought you meant, you're talking about your grandma. Before she left, I'm like, oh, is this a family thing of yours?

Is this how you say people died when she left? Some huge content and I'm using it in an ad. But I honestly did think with grandparents, oh, that's depressing that they've reached a point where they can't be fucked and they're in separate beds. Literally. And I have to say, one of the few times we've said that word on this podcast that's been apt. I have to say, it sounds great.

It's really great. Yeah, but as long as you've got two double beds, because two single beds is no good. Yeah, well, that's up to you. No one's forcing you to go into two single beds. But I've never seen that happen where there's two double beds in the same room and they've got their own bed. So dad's parents were two slightly – what's it like a king?

So two king beds in the one bedroom. But then mum's parents, they went separate rooms. They just went all out. They went, not only do I not want to be next to you, I don't even want to be on the same side of a wall as you. One of them got a hotel. That was it. Yeah of them got a hotel. That was it.

Yeah. Okay. All right. We've worked that out. Who cares? Okay. So. Before I leave.

She'll be back. So, yeah. Little dumb, dumb. Oh, no. Plug your show. Oh, yeah. So, my show. Your solo show. Oh, my solo show.

Not the podcast show. Yellow Moose. The show. No. I'm starting to slab with that girl that I was just talking to at the gig. My show. My solo show is called Carl Chandler Defends His Title as World's Greatest and Best Comedian. I'm feeling a bit cocky.

I reckon it's going to be real good. I'm just starting to remember how fun it was last year. I'm feeling the same way. I've got to say I'm feeling good about this year. Yeah, well, I'm feeling better. No, I'm feeling better than that. Look, I'll take my pants off. I'll feel a lot better.

No, so it's going to be good. It's going to have all... How long until we start sleeping instead of pets? Until we literally can't be fucked anymore. Let's not call this the ad. Let's put this out as the next Patreon bonus episode. This has been good. Let's ring some people up and get them here for a live episode right now.

Let's not waste this. Let's go into Ballard's room and see what he's doing. Let's charge him 20 bucks to come in here. So, my show, Carl Chandler literally – no, not literally. Carl Chandler. No, that's what it should have been. Carl Chandler literally, no, not literally. Chandler.

No, that's what it should have been. Carl Chandler literally defends his title as literally world's greatest and best comedian. Yes. So I've got a guest in every night. I've got all new jokes. They're all ready now. All the jokes are ready. Guests, all the people that you'll know, you'll know everyone.

They've all been on the podcast. They're all big names or just people you know through here. So it's heaps of fun. Every night's a a different guest every night's a different fucking idiot circus we just did a bunch of half an hour of our stand-up age at brisbane yeah where this episode was recorded yes and i watched you while you're up there and i gotta say some of the stuff you're going on up there what i gotta say what's going through that head of yours? You've got a very twisted view of the world. A lot of it, I've got to say. Not for me.

Not this kind of like, I like my comedy a little bit nicer. I like the Adam Hill style of comedy. Not whatever rot you're going on with up there. What do you mean? What was wrong with what I was doing? You're a sick puppy, my friend. No, that's not true. You've got a very odd view.

You've got an odd take on the world, I have to say. I don't know where you come up with this stuff. I think you were laughing more at the setups than the punchlines, to be honest. It was a lot of fun. It was great. So, yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can go to get tickets, find T-shirts, T-shirts on sale.

You can find links to T-shirts, to tickets, to our Patreon account. We just sent out a new magazine this week, our monthly magazine called Hey Mates, issue three is on there now. We're about to send out a new bonus episode in the next couple of days or so before the end of the month. As Con the Fruiterer once said. Yes, yes. Just once.

Yes, as Con the Fruiterer once said, hey, sign up on Patreon. Yes, yes. Just once. Yes, as Colin Fruiterer once said, hey, sign up on Patreon. I pity anyone who's skipped this. I've got to be honest. I know plenty of people do, but. Oh, really?

I've got to say, I like this soft vibe, you know, this speaking quiet at night. I like it. We should do this because normally we're just here screaming at each other. This is refreshing. Yeah, I like we're holding back a little bit. But not content-wise, just volume-wise. This is like tantric podcasting. Do you know what I mean? We're just like...

This is like the after dinner mint of ads on internet podcasts. Because this episode that you're about to hear, it's a mess. I haven't edited it yet. I'm dreading it. I've got to get up in the morning and dig into that. I'm not looking forward to it. You've got to get up in the morning and get the internet shovel out. There's a lot of shit to be gotten out of that thing.

No, it's good. It's funny. That's why we're making this ad so long, so that the 12-minute episode that we put up once seems glaring. Fuck. I've got to go to bed. I'm Andre Erriated. It's four in the morning, by the way, we should say.

I was going to be here for like two minutes to do this ad. Yeah. Then we fucked around and talked for about half an hour before this intro. Now this ad's gone for half an hour. Yeah. And neither of us were doing anything tonight. We just decided let's meet at 4 a.m. and record this. Oh.

All right. I have to drive home. I have to drive home. Yeah. Who cares? All right. I just had an argument with the servo guy. Oh, really?

Yeah. Weren't you the one just saying that you were desperate to get out of here? Now you're describing how you're going to get home and what happened on the way here. Is it good or should you save it? No, no, no. It's not that good. I just had to – it was just that thing.

I'm so tired. It's not that good. Here it is. Well, it's quick. It's an edited version. I just had a yelling match with him, but I was outside the servo and the petrol pump wouldn't work and he just kept talking over the PA system to me

and I'm just yelling going, it's not working. And he's going, yeah, but you picked it up and then you put it down again. I go, yeah, because that's what you do when something doesn't work. It didn't work so I put it down. Well, pick it up and put it down again. You just told me not to do that. Wait, that's your rule whenever something doesn't work,

you just put it down and then pick it up again. What do I do? Keep hold of something that doesn't work forever? Is that what I do? So your phone doesn't work. You just put it on the table for five seconds and then pick it up again. Oh, this is busted. Well, I'm going to hold a petrol pump bowser in my hand forever.

Cool. Sounds to me like you've been sniffing a little bit of that stuff the way you're going on. You know what I'm saying? I think it was working just fine. I would be a lot happier than I am right now if I'd been doing that. All right. Jesus. Okay. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Comedy Festival live shows every Sunday. Our solo shows start tomorrow, Thursday, March 24. Get out there. See some stuff at the Comedy Festival. It's so good. Oh, I'm so excited. It's such a good month. Yeah.

And we enjoy this episode and we'll see you out there. Bye-bye, mates. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Have a safe trip home, Carl. Oh, yeah. So it's live from Brisbane. We should mention that.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's apparent. Yeah. Okay. By the way, the audience keep yelling out, we're from Brisbane after everything that we say. All right.

This is fun. See you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Alright, this is fun. Night-night. Hey, mates! Welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club, live from Brisbane.

My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, big heads. Wow. That was a little bit worrying when we walked out and we had to ask for our own applause. And then I walked past and I heard Brother of Harley Breen go, this song fucking sucks. You know what?

Your family sucks. Get out. Get the fuck out. So you guys are glad to see me, which is good. This is good. Fuck. I know it's classic me, but I just walk out and see there's two empty seats. Yeah. Fuck. Anyone want to sit in them? Anyone? There's people right up the back. Oh, I just want walk out and see there's two empty seats. Yeah.

Fuck. Anyone want to sit in them? Anyone? There's people right up the back. Oh, I just want to sit in them. There we go. That's one. Very good. Very good.

Thank you to everyone at home for listening to us fill seats at the top of the podcast. No, we are in Brisbane. Awesome. It's great to be back. You guys have... Man, this is the declaration I'm making. Brisbane is now the official number one city for Dum Dum Club. Oh!

Yeah. You did it, guys. I'm calling it. I'm calling it. Because, as you know, we have a certain relationship with Adelaide. A bad one. That's not sugar-coated. A bad relationship.

Well, yeah, we keep going back to it and it keeps just smacking us in the face. We have to sort of be nice when we're in the lead up to doing shows there so people come out but now it's like, it's a few months away from us doing another gig there. Fuck Adelaide. Fuck everyone there. Piece of shit town. All the articles that were written about it during the Fringe are true. Five star shithole that place.

On the Deloitte's rankings, I think it's below Meribah now so it's downgrading that. I'm downgrading it to a town instead of a city. I'm officially doing that. This is what we do now with this podcast. We just travel around the country, pitting all the major cities against

each other. We'll do the same thing about you guys in Perth in a few months time. Those fucking Brisbane hillbillies. Pack of cunts. Anyway, you guys are all great. Yeah. Thanks for coming. I did a thing the other day where a lot of...

Is there many aware t-shirts here tonight? Yeah, there's one over there. One person. Cool. It was weird because everyone in the crowd turned to point at that one guy. But no, but then when I said only one person, another guy just held his up like yeah, I've got one one I'm not going to

fucking wear it but I so I'm the one who ships out all the t-shirts if people get them online I'm the one who ships them out

anyway I got an order the other day from someone who lived lives five blocks from my house so

and this guy thank you it's not a diss on him but thank you because he ordered everything we had. He ordered, like, all the different shirts. He ordered three different shirts.

Even the limited edition vial of Tommy Dasolo cum? He ordered that? You said everything. That's a clear edit point. Yeah, Tommy, it's 140. Why not get out a bit of jacking your little dick out of here? So... I disagree.

I think it's not a clear-headed point. So I said instead of mailing it, like this is crazy, I'll just hand deliver it. So I ended up... And I just wish we had this on tape. I didn't think of it at the end, at the time. But I actually went and hand delivered him like a big bag full of Dum Dum Club merch

out the front of McDonald's in Glenferry Road. Excellent. Just like even worse than a heroin dealer. Yeah. Whose choice was that to meet at McDonald's? It's actually like right near where he lives. So I just hit the corner of this and this street and we got there and it's McDonald's.

I thought it was going to be like, to be fair, you worked out like the median distance between your two houses. And that's like McDonald's is completely equidistant between both of your places. No, I just thought it'd be easy because I was already sitting in there with a big bag full of T-shirts. I thought, I'll just stroll out and give some away. Trying to trade them to the person behind the counter for some free maccas before he got there. No. See, I've sworn off mcdonald's yeah that's what happened last time we were here someone made me eat fucking 12

cheeseburgers on stage and i remembered that on the plane on the way up here i'm a little bit sick at the moment i was like just i was like fuck if anyone brings food down oh man did anyone bring food kill me no don't put it away What did you bring? You brought one cheeseburger. Where's the rest? Did you think that everyone was going to bring a cheeseburger? That's the silent arrangement we've all worked out. You've got a cheeseburger in your backpack. How long has it been in there for?

Is this anything to do with us at all or was it just in there? Are you Andy Dick? Because you're acting like you're on drugs. All right, well, we've got a cheeseburger. I got really scared then when he just went, I've got one and just pulled out a large backpack. I was like, fucking hell. Someone's caught a cheeseburger before.

For everyone at home, I caught that backhanded. Yeah, that was really impressive. So it's just a cheeseburger. With cheese? No shit. With jizz, okay. Oh, with jizz, sorry.

I get those two mixed up all the time. People are now booing this guy for saying the word jizz. I know, it's warm. Okay. Why are you so surprised? I just honestly thought he had an idea during the week on Wednesday night and goes, I'll get him a cheeseburger. If I don't do it now, I'll forget.

Yeah. The bag's well insulated. during the week on Wednesday night and goes, oh, I'll get him a cheeseburger. If I don't do it now, I'll forget. Yeah. The bag's well insulated. Oh, I sort of want to eat it. Eat it. You should. I ate fucking, I ate 12 last year. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.

All right, but the thing is, I've got this weird thing where I don't eat the pickle, so I've got to like open it up and take everything out. Chuck it into someone's mouth. Who wants it? Oh, you want to eat it instead? Yeah. You'll have the pickle?

Oh, the pickle or the whole thing? Pickle. Oh, okay. So now I'm throwing a pickle at you. How good's this? All right, but you've got to catch it. You've got to catch it as well as I caught this. All right?

All right. In the edit tweet, I'm going to go right from me talking about jizz to you going, you've got to catch it in your mouth from up here. I'm going to stitch you up a fucking treat. You're not a big sauce guy either, are you? No, I'm not. But I'm not going to throw sauce at anyone. All right, so this is actually going to...

Fuck. Sinclair Breen is right in the firing line. I feel like I owe it to you to do it right-handed. anyway, so... Fuck. Sinclair Breen is right in the firing line. I feel like I owe it to you to do it right-handed. Wait, we need to get a slow clap going, like a build-up, right? Fuck. Come on, Chando. Come on, Pickle Boy.

Oh! Fuck! I feel like... Eat it anyway. Oh, I ate it. There you go. All right, someone go out and get us another cheeseburger. We're not bringing the guests on until each and every one of you has caught a pickle in the mouth.

All right. Well, thanks for the 20 bucks, everyone. This podcast has been going for like three minutes and the stage is already filthy. There's already food and wrappers, empty cans. What's it like? The guests have gone home. Are you getting the sweet bread rush

because you don't eat it all that often? Yeah. Oh, no, I feel like I'm going to be sick later. Which is the right reaction. How was the pickle? Excellent. The chair pickle. Oh yeah, it landed on where that guy had his arse.

Yeah. On a bit of brain arse. It's more of a review of Sinclair Brain's body than anything else. Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's be better than this. This is what I realised this week, Tommy.

So I was walking home the other day and I got another person. I hadn't had it for a couple of weeks, but I had someone on Riversdale Road yelling at me out of a passing car, the best way of communication. You're bored of this by now, aren't you? Like people abusing you from vehicles. Yeah, people are excited. I'm like, yeah, no shit. So that's when I realised,

I had to think about it on the way home when it happened again because I got, man, I've had a bad, I'm actually getting over everyone texting me and ringing me in the middle of the night. I'm genuinely, I'm at breaking point. Like I'm sending very abusive things back to people and then they're just going, ha, ha, ha. I'm like, no, I fucking mean it, cunt.

I'm blocking a lot of people on Twitter. A lot of people think they're, like, being real great friends of the show and I'm like, I fucking hate you people. Oh, this is it. We're actually watching the breakdown happen live. This is great. I've been dreaming of this moment for five years. This is so good.

Yeah, now someone's ringing me. Alright. Someone going, what's that? He needs to push over the edge. Here we fucking go. Oh yeah, but now you're hung up you fucking coward. Fuck. So this is what I realised. I realised this week, so with all this stuff, all this

stuff I'm copying, it's like all the bad things of being a celebrity with none of the good things. Yeah. None of the money, none of the fame. It's just all that. And people, you know, when celebrities go, I can't walk down the street without being annoyed, I'm just copying that bit. Yeah.

You just got delivered a cheeseburger and you had someone eat the fucking pickle for you. What more do you want? You weren't living in the lap of luxury. That's a bit Kardashian. But what I actually figured was because I'm just getting all the abuse, all that stuff without any of the money or the fame, this is the closest I can think of. It's not like I'm a famous TV star or any sports star or anything like that.

I feel like I'm some well-known criminal. Some famous pedophile or something that's been in the paper. That's the response I'm getting from people. Just abuse from people I don't know off the street with none of the monetary reward. Who are the people walking up to a famous pedophile and going, here's a cheeseburger, mate? You found the one flaw in my plan.

Plan? Yeah. I thought that was a hypothetical, not looking into the future. Well, I did throw a pickle in someone's mouth before, if you know what I mean. Alright, shall we get our first guest out here? Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from Tofop. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Will Anderson! I feel like I like when the guests come out and I like to think

that you've got something to work with. I think we've given you enough. Any notes? What I loved the most was that a podcast is the only place someone would introduce me as from Toho. So firstly, I appreciate that. Secondly, the cheeseburger. I loved how you were like, it's warm.

Even if they bought it three days ago, we're in fucking Brisbane. Someone hasn't come in with an esky full of fucking cheeseburgers. And last but not least, I've been hearing about these dolls on the podcast. Oh, yeah. But now that I've seen them, I was like, why did someone make a doll of me and Hannah Gadsby? Hang on, which one's you? I mean, it looks like, you know what it looks like?

Every couple of years when they try to reboot the Muppets and they'll try to bring in a couple of groovy new Muppets and none of us like those Muppets. It's like they've got Statler and Waldorf finally died and they're like, we're going to reboot it. Too long. I've got the quote for the poster. The groovy Muppets.

Will Anderson. The groovy fucked Muppets. Have you had people make things like that of you and give them to you after shows? Surely you've had heaps of that sort of stuff. Yeah, I mean, I guess I have, yeah. Over the years, people make you stuff. I have had dolls and stuff.

Someone made a really actually good one that made me look like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. It looked much cooler. You know when you're looking at a doll and you're like, I wish I was that doll? You don't think they actually just bought a Neo action figure and just pulled the glasses off and wrote Will on the T-shirt? He's said a Daslo who sort of looks like a bit of a melted Danny DeVito.

Oh, sorry, I was looking at Daslo. Shut up, you pedophile. Oh, what a sweet callback to have throughout the show. Oh, we found our thread. Hey, I've got something to follow up on that we talked about semi-recently. Will, you're a regular listener of the show. I am. Can I just mention before you get into it about Carl's phone number being on the internet?

This is an absolutely true story. Wait, what's this about? News to me. So Carl needed me to record a little video thing for something a couple of years ago. And because I'm bad with technology, I couldn't work out how to send it to him on Facebook. So I was like, oh, it's already on my phone. I record it on my phone. I'll just text it to him.

And so I looked through my phone and I realised I don't have Carl's number in my phone. And then I went, oh, this has come in handy. So I have gone straight to the internet and there it is. And I shoot in the video. And you've been ringing me at 3 a.m. ever since. Oh, come on, mate. I've got better things to do. Episode 147, if anyone ever has the same dilemma.

Mate. No, that was just a guess. To be honest, the only reason I'm here today is the Telstra network's down and I was watching Daredevil. I've just realised. Have we seen you before? You've got a bootleg Dum Dum Club shirt. Go and buy a fucking real one.

Oh, you have a real one too? Have you got one as well? Oh, man, what? What's this? He's got a number plate. Oh, fuck. Oh, wow. He's got a bootleg T-shirt of my old number plate

that got stolen off my car. Yeah, so it's a picture of a number plate and a burger and Maccas, and then with a light spotlight above it. What's the spotlight in reference to? It just lights up the object somewhere. So it's not a completely black T-shirt. Just for the record,

how does it feel to have a bootleg version of something better than anything you've ever done? Always feels good to have less $25 in the pocket. Yep. You guys are like, that's like the reverse Thailand. It's the bootleg version that's actually better. Yeah. What did you say?

Thailand. It's your little... Sorry, I said Carl's safe word. Fuck. I haven't been there for like a year now. Oh, man, they miss you. Plenty of time to hang out there when you're a future pedophile. That's going to be your ball and wick once you're over there.

A lot of tiny lady going, where's Mr. Carl? My wrists are not sore. I don't know what that accent was. I like my accents to be very vague so they can't be racist. Exactly, yeah. Don't text in. So speaking of the number plate thing, I got this email a little while ago because we were talking about how your licence plate got stolen off your car

and you still don't know what the story is, what happened. Hasn't turned up yet, yeah. Hasn't turned up yet. Someone emailed us with a theory. Carl said he had someone steal his licence plates off his car. Then yesterday I was listening to episode 245 where Carl said he nearly ran over a drunk guy who then stuck his head into the car to chew him out.

The guy then told Carl that he had his plate numbers and would find slash get him. Oh, yeah. I think this might be the guy who stole the plates. Yeah. Took a few months of drunken wandering, but now he knows where you live, Chando. P.S. I also think George Bush orchestrated the events of 9-11.

No, that last bit on. But that's an interesting theory, don't you think? I mean, the first thing I want to say about that is he has a different definition of chewing out than I have. Because what was the story again? You nearly ran over a guy. No, I didn't. This guy was drunk.

What happened was I was driving along and then I just stopped and then he ran up to me and went, you just ran over a zebra crossing, speeded over a zebra crossing. There was no zebra crossing. And it's like one of the biggest crossings that you can fucking notice. Like you're not going to not notice a zebra crossing. It's black and white.

It's as plain as black and white. You can calm down. You're not on the witness stand. Like you're sweating. You're really manic at the moment. And to be honest, even if you were, you're coming on too strong. If I were the jury, I'd be like, there fucking was. Feels like he's going back the next day with black paint and fix that shit up.

Members of the jury, who wants this pickle? Let's go. Let's start this thing off with some fanfare. Are we to believe the words of a renowned pedophile? Hey, future renowned pedophile. You're not quite there yet. Right, right, right. So,

no, yeah, that was definitely, it was just a thing where he was drunk and that's not a thing that I did, but that's a good theory. Yeah, it's the most solid theory we've got so far. Yeah, okay. So, I want to say this. For people at home, Carl is awkwardly looking at notes, which is new to the podcast. Yeah.

If you're listening back at home, it'd sound like he was putting the needle into his arm. He just went real vague and quiet. I've got so much gold I need to write it all down. So I talked about last week, a week before that, I had an interview with the Mirabar Advertiser coming up, my hometown. Ooh, yes, they're impressed oo Maribor Advertiser coming up. My hometown. Ooh, yes. They were impressed ooze there.

Yeah, for good reason. So it's... And you've probably all picked it up already. So it's probably boring to you. But it came out yesterday. It came out yesterday. And so I got a full page in the Maribor Advertiser. There was a huge spike in my ticket sales.

So what my whole goal was, was I was going to try and sneak something dumb dumb related into the interview. Which is sort of tough because you know I'm not the one editing it. So I got something in. Stop ringing me! Everyone take down that phone number. Take down that phone number.

Take down that phone number. Ring this cunt in the middle of the night. All right, all right, now we're back. We're back. All right, so... Put your phone on fire. Cody, stop ringing me! The best thing about that is, like,

you really have taken heckling to the next level. It's an interactive four-dimensional experience now. I mean, come on. This is fuck you Q&A. This is a step up. Imagine if people could just ring Tony Jones and show. Like, I reckon that bloke next to you is a dickhead, Tony. Anyway, so...

Don't ring me for a minute, please. How many more years of doing this do you think it'll take for you to start putting your phone on airplane mode before we do these gigs? All right, next time. So, I've got a full page. It gets to the end and it says, Carl, who will be performing...

Oh, sorry, so the sweet headline for it was, Carl performs at festival. So... They didn't do too much checking. Better than ex-resident now fucks kids. Man. I was actually keen for something to take over the whole phone number thing, but I'll stick with the phone number thing now, actually. And knowing country towns, they would have actually been pissed off.

They would have been like, oh, why couldn't you fuck kids locally? What, our kids aren't good enough for you? You had to go to the big city to fuck kids? Goes down to the city, gets a big old head. This is good enough to start fucking kids. Local podcast celebrity hates children. Yeah. So, Carl, who will be performing at Melbourne's Victoria Hotel

and Town Hall throughout the Comedy Festival, provided some suggestions of who to see at the festival. Oh. They're like, we're not going to see you, so who else? Carl said, go see Tommy Dasolo. Oh, great. Dilruch Jaya Singer. And basically, anyone called Tim.

All the Tims are good this year, he says. That was a joke as if I'd recommend him. So, no, no, no, but seriously, that's what I said. So that's in there. That's good. That's really good. That's a good get. Yeah.

Got Tim. A good get Tim. Yeah. Should we get a second guest on? Yeah, let's get a second guest on. Will Anderson, everyone. Give it up. Our next guest, you know him from Something for the Drive Home.

Please welcome back Nick Cody. Do I move? Do I move? Up to you. Okay. Move? Whatever you like. All right, I'm not moving, though.

That's all right, mate. Sorry, Nick. I know the hips thing. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Look at you. You're young and fit. He hips thing. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Look at you. You're young and fit. He's young.

Oh, not even. Not even. I don't know. Tough. You look tough. You look like you're good. No? Not at all.

Really? Not at all. You've lost weight. Huh? You've lost weight. Thank you very much. You're looking a lot better. Man, Dil says it.

He is. No, no. I've dropped about eight kilos. It's due to a Chandler thing. Like what Dil and Ronnie have said in the past, Chandler once just went, what the fuck happened to you? Did I?

Is that what I said? Yeah, you did. You referred one time when you were playing, when Cody was playing in the comedian's soccer team, you referred to Cody when he had blown out as having the turning circle of the QE2. I mean, to be honest, that seems a bit modern for one of your references.

This guy's like the fucking Cutty Sark out there on the field. I don't even know that one. Cody, but I'm very proud of a decision you made this week. I heard that with my birthday party show, I'm doing my little 40th birthday party show on March 30,

and you were well and truly invited along. Thank you. I assumed that, but it's nice to get the official invite. Sorry, this was just an intro into the story you had. Yeah, so what happened was... Oh, okay, you need another fucking clue? I'll tell you. Heads up right now.

I fucked this up good and proper. I woke up at about 10.30 this morning. I thought I should go get breakfast. Now, hold on. I'm meeting the guys down at the venue at 12. I'll get some food once I'm there. So I had a couple of coffees, turn up here, have a beer. And I'm like, let's get ready for some food.

And the guy says, food starts about 3 o'clock. And now I'm fucked. Now I'm fucked. I've had two coffees and two beers and my brain is freaking out. Now Dilrach as well. Good old Dilrach. You know him. You've definitely seen him. You can see him from here. His name's been mentioned. He'll be here

in a sec. He's like Jumanji. A movie I've never seen, but I believe that joke works. You look at a menu three times and you say, Dil. And he turns up. He's the one that does

the looking at the menu three times. So Dil called me today. Dil called me today and said, oh Cody, I've done something really bad. I think I've fucked up. My management got me a TV spot on a show called

Comedy Up Late on the ABC this year. I said, yeah, sweet, Dil. I'm doing it as well. Hey, boys, just so you know, it's a TV show.

Stand-up comics going. And who books it? How did you get that? I mean, to be honest, once you're a comic of a certain level, you wouldn't, but...

I have a... Wow. Hello. That was a babushka doll of country. Yeah. This podcast is the opposite of that movie, Pass It Forward. Yeah, it's called Shit Downward. Yeah.

I was like, thank God there's someone three times as good as us. He said it just twice as good as us here. And Dil said, yeah, my management agency booked me on the 30th of March and I had to say no to it because it's Chandler's birthday. And I was like, oh, fuck, man, that's so funny. You finally get a TV spot, you say no to go celebrate the birthday of our good friend Carl Chandler and he said, you're doing the show too, aren't you? I said, yep. He goes,

when are you on? I go, 30th of March. Oh. Fuck. And I'm trying to get that changed at the minute. I don't know how cool the ABC are that my friend's getting older. I don't want to be on the telly tonight.

Yeah, I had the same call. Yeah, please go ahead with your show because we're not booking you on this thing. No, I think it was more mum going, yeah, we're not going to make it down again this year. Have a good day. Not even now that you're in the paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You made it. Oh, everyone just got sad. That was just a joke. It's fine. So are you going to try and get out of it as well? Mate, this is... Yeah, I am out of it for sure. This is how much I love you guys.

The UFC is on in Brisbane today. Now. Oh, really? And I had a ticket. What? Yeah, I had a ticket for the UFC and I said no. Wow. If only we could make it up to you.

Someone get up here and kick the shit out of Cody. Doesn't feel like he's missed out. Oh, the guy who ate the pickle now wants to kick... He just wants to do everything. He's all amped up. Yeah. So, Hagen, you're telling me now... Is a pickle like spinach for Popeye or something?

Is that what's happening? So, on Wednesday, March the 30th, there's suddenly a few spots open on this Comedy Up Late show. Yeah. Oh. It's like it's time for an opportunistic young man to step in and put his hat into the room. Or an opportunist man.

What? I mean, it would be great if you two got those spots. Yeah. It's just Dylan and I going, we did the right thing for our friends. Where are our friends? Suddenly your podcast is a lot more popular. Man, that would be so good, you guys having my birthday show without me.

Fuck. Oh, Dil did want to pass this on. He said, come on Cody, you can't miss this thing. It's a once in a lifetime, it's a 40th birthday. I said, yep, you are spot on. And he said, but if they're still doing a podcast at 50, that's pretty grim for Carl. Dil said, and I quote,

that episode will be on the Westgate Bridge and it is... When he says see ya mate, he'll fucking mean it. That's pretty rich for a guy who will never reach the age of 50. I think having that kind of job security, well okay I'm bailing kind of job security...

Well, OK, I'm bailing out of this. The minute I said job, I realised that's flawed. Still doing this in ten years? Yeah. I'd be fine with that car, wouldn't you? Still travelling around the country, doing these little shows. Yeah, still getting rung up in the middle of the night. Yeah, fuck, no, I'm not making 50.

Dasolo will be second year of uni, ten years in. Ah! Kept skipping classes to smoke those marijuana sticks with the devil kids. I'm going to be an animator. But, like, I'm still studying the software that I'm studying now that's, like, fucking doesn't even exist anymore. Yeah, Deslo's like, have you seen this kid over here? Who's that?

Oh, you mean the dean. Should we get our next guest out here? Yes. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Nick Cody Thank you Please welcome our next guest You may have seen him on Just For Life Sydney Please welcome David Quirk

I'm sorry Dave, you're going to have to move the dollies out of the way Who are these? Is it? I don't know what you've been talking about Talk into the mic if you possibly could Who are these? Is it... I don't know who you've been talking about. Talk into the mic if you possibly could. Don't just chuck it. Are they a present?

What are they? That's why I told you this was a mistake. Why are we bent around like that? Guys, this isn't a character. Should we be curved like that so they can... Guys, just so you know, this isn't a character comedian. This is an actual person. Shut up. Fucking hell.

Oh, here we go. Good to be out of the house. Hi, everyone. Very regal. I feel like this is right. That's more than a metaphor, Will. I'll get down here. Please. Could you somehow find a basement? I'll get down here.

What's it like up there, Will? Sorry. No, that's still too high. Yeah. Take a seat, David. Thank you. Thank you for nearly... That's why you get Quirk out,

because you know you're going to get an easy five minutes out of him just trying to sit down. It's such a great call. Look how much fun we're all having. Yeah. Well, no... Oh, am I supposed to say something? No, no, no. No, no, no. It's such a great call. Look how much fun we're all having. Well, no. Oh, am I supposed to say something? No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a podcast.

Why would you say anything? Well, it's live. Half of it's visual. I had a lot of confidence in you tonight because on the way here a mutual friend... Tonight? Yes. Okay, let's just let that slide. It's quarter past two in the afternoon. He's 40. He's got dinner soon.

Is it your birthday today? Is that true? No. I heard something about your birthday. Yeah, this is all on the ABC right now, David. What the fuck are you talking about? What were you doing back there? I was going to piss in a bottle because there's nowhere to piss.

And so Greg and I were laughing about that for a moment. He said, if you do piss into a bottle, bring it out. And I said, I don't have the courage. Anyway, that's what I've been doing. Yeah, you'd hate to start it off with something weird. If only there was another door, which clearly exists out there. You could have gone to the toilet. There's no toilet out there.

Can someone verify there's no... There's no toilet out there. I'll verify that. There's no toilet. Sorry, everyone. Well, now that I've learnt that I've got to say oops Apologies to the venue So I had a lot of confidence in you today

I got picked up by a comedian friend of ours Aaron Gox and he said yeah Quirky did tell me he's doing the podcast today should be interesting he said to me okay I'm going to do the little dum dum live website today.

This is not a website, just so you know. This is a podcast. I was sort of ranting about how podcasts, and as you can tell, I'm not really cut out for them. I was on such a rant. I was on such a roll. I was like, yeah, I don't know why people go to these websites all the time. They listen to these live websites.

I'm like, I mean podcasts. Anyway, this is a good website, though, I think. This is a particularly live websites. I'm like, I mean podcasts. Anyway, this is a good website though, I think. This is a particularly good website. It's one of my favourites. Make it your homepage. It's nice. I miss the UFC, but I still get to hear people talk that sound like they're punch drunk.

I don't know, think of the website chat podcast website. I'm out of touch. The question needs to be asked. Where are you staying here in Brisbane? Are you in what form of garage or canopy are you sleeping under? My management saw me at a nice garage. It's good.

No, I'm staying at a friend's house around the corner. It doesn't matter. It's not a good story. It's a nice house. It's really nice. So I feel weird, actually. And you are in Melbourne. You're officially out of the garage for good, right?

No, no. No, you're still in there. My stuff's there. Yeah, yeah. Right. What do you mean your stuff's there? The place for my garage for good, right? No, still in there. My stuff's there. What do you mean your stuff's there? Place for my stuff. Well, that's what garages are for. Cars and stuff, not people. He's actually finally nailed it.

I'm still there. It's good to be here. You can't sleep here. I wish the rest of us could say that. So Brisbane has just elected a new... Is it a new mayor? Oh, fuck. Same guy, mate.

Did he get back in? In a surprise result. Oh, okay. Yeah, they thought he was going to go, but he came back. Because all I'm seeing on the way in is all posters saying Team Quirk. It's really... It's been a tough run. I don't know how to distance myself from that guy.

I heard he's into the arts and yet he's a liberal type. Is this true? Can anyone? He's your mate. I don't know. He's my dad, okay? He's my dad. That could be true, couldn't it?

But it's not. He has never shown up for Christmas. Has it had any effect on ticket sales? Like, you've got all these Team Quirk posters around Brisbane. I think it's bad, to be honest. Because I think smart people probably don't give a shit. It's the first time I've felt... I know Quirk is a funny word to say out loud.

And I don't mind having it as a name. But this is the first time I've felt that it's bad to be in Brisbane, to be associated with this Quirk man. Who would vote for David Quirk here? No one. Cool. There's about two people in the line. Well, vote for David Quirk here? No one. Cool. There's about two people in the line. Well, you finally know what it was like for Germany's biggest comedian,

Kevin Bloody Hitler. So true. Yeah, he got into a lot of trouble when he toured Australia. It was fucked. It was no good. No, it was the Poland tour that was more frowned upon. Well, no one wanted it. It just happened.

Finally a reference too old for Carl. Yay! We did it. Did he invade in all his trolleys? Yeah. Oh, too old for these guys. All right, sorry. Shall we get...

We've got a... Oh, yeah, we do have a thing where... We did get a lot of mail this week. We had a thing where someone sent in 100 entries in the competition. Send in 100... If you send in a good picture that you draw... Get it out, cunt! Just seriously, mate.

Sorry, I've still got to get all my UFC heckles out, even though I'm here. I thought it was me telling that story for a second. Yeah, it was. Does this feel weird to you compared to the UFC because it hasn't gone for three seconds? Like, how do you enjoy that sport? Doesn't it all just go for three minutes?

No, there's so many fights that go the distance. Really? I'm not a big fan. How long can a UFC... Three five-minute rounds are a championship fight. Five five-minute rounds. Right, so 25 minutes max, though. Yeah.

I think there's a few people in this crowd wishing this was UFC League right now. Oh, there's no Venn diagram where it's like, nobody today is a podcast or UFC, except me. And I chose a podcast because I'm your friend. Yeah, happy birthday to me. No, I know what you're telling. You've just chosen this podcast over the UFC to buy yourself some credit for when you picked that TV spot over his 40th birthday in a couple of weeks.

I'm just trying to stack shit up. So, we got a lot of entries. We got a lot of entries on the whole draw a picture of Tommy and Carl and Winnie's place on the little Dum Dum Club. We got a lot of entries. We got a hundred entries. We feel like we had to award this guy a space

because he sent in a hundred entries. You guys would have seen it. Some of you probably entered, but this guy... Yeah, no, you didn't see it because then we remembered that that didn't exist. He just sent in a hundred pictures. Oh, okay. What? A hundred different drawings? Yeah, so we

had to, he turned up, we had to get him on so this is officially the number one Little Dumb Dumb Club super fan. Welcome to the stage, guys. Phil! Phil, yeah! Oh, Phil! Hey, Phil. Good to meet you. Hey, Phil. Hey, man. Hey, it, good to meet you. Hey Phil. Hey man.

It's nice to meet you Phil. Hey Phil. Welcome to the show. Is it hot in here? Oh fuck. Fuck it is hot now. I feel really excited about meeting all these... Fuck, it is hot now. Phil, are you excited about meeting all these... Phil, do you want to just, instead of being all over me, do you want to take a seat maybe?

I mean, this is... Oh, you can sit here, mate, if you want. No, no, no, it's cool. Hey, guys. Phil, is that your underpants? Your shirt's tucked into your underpants. Oh, sorry, I... Oh, man. Hey. Got him. Yep, sorry. Oh, man.

Hey. Got him. Yep, that's what we say. I got Tim. I got him in a bag. I'm going to kill him. Hang on, what? Oh, man, you're such a dumb cunt.

You guys are such dumb cunts. Yeah, yeah. Phil's fucking good at this. Phil's nailing it. I got to be honest. Yeah. He came out like a pass the parcel and since then

he's nailed every bit of this and he definitely looks like a Thai sex pest so go Tim go yeah you seem a bit nervous anyway Phil but you know

hey thanks for all those fucking weird pictures oh yeah do you like the naked ones the most no no the least actually actually the least they were probably my favourite ones yeah. Do you like the naked ones the most? No, no, the least, actually. Actually, the least. They were probably my favourite ones to draw.

Probably one of the best ones I've ever had. So you did say, but this is the thing. This is the most important thing. You said, if you got on the show, you will stop ringing me. Yeah. That was a lie. I'll never stop, Carl. Oh, man.

It's so good to just... It's like we've just... We've been friends for years. I've been listening and we've been friends for years and now we're friends. I mean, not really friends. It's sort of a different relationship where we put a product out and you enjoy the product.

I don't even know your last name. I don't want to... Don't say it. I don't know it either, man. I just... So, Phil, what do you do when you're not listening to podcasts? What do you mean? Doing very accurate naked drawings of us.

No, I just... I listen to the podcast. Yeah. That's what I do. So you must be pretty excited. There's a couple of famous podcasters around here. Yeah. You know, honestly, I just think it's...

Phil! It's just that your podcast... You have podcasts... And they're not the little dum-dum podcasts. And it's like, why you have podcasts and they're not the little dum-dum podcasts and it's like why would you do a different one

you know it's almost like you're the enemy you know it's almost like that rival podcast not the dum-dum podcast I'm happy

for you to keep having that opinion Phil stick with your guns Tiger I know what he has in common happy for you to keep having that opinion, Phil. Stick with your guns, Tiger. I know what he has in common with the podcast. Phil definitely gets money from his mum. That is... Mummy is real good. She's really supported me

and she helped me record all the secret Dumb Dumb episodes. Do you remember one of my favourite moments actually, secret Dumb Dumb episode 4067 was when you had the open my favourite moments, actually, Secret Dumb Dumb episode 4067... Oh, there's a lot. ..was when you had the open window, Carl,

and you were snoring really loudly. It was very cute. No, no. Do you guys like the secret episode? I don't really. The key word would be secret. Yeah. Very secret.

Actually, has anyone here heard them? Probably not. You're not actually as big a fan as me, so... Fuck you. Go away. And there's over 4,000 of these secret episodes. Way over 4,000. So you record these secret episodes? It's you?

Yeah, that's because I'm the number one fan. Cool, buddy. Tell us more about the open window episode. Oh, the open window one. Oh, man, it was so good. And I managed to get inside. Inside what exactly? Just inside my dream.

I just got inside my dream and I was living there. I was actually thinking, I actually wanted to tell you guys, because you know how you say, got Tim? And you're like, yeah, I got him. What if you started saying, got Phil? Because I'm Phil. Got Phil. Have you ever yelled doctor outside Carl's house?

I mean, if it was Dr Phil, that does make sense. That's a reference from our show that you would definitely be a car swatter. I am. And I would say, you got Phil. Fuck, that's catching on. That's the second time I've heard that now. You got Phil. I don't know if it doesn't really work,

because got him, it sounds like got him. It's like you got him, so just like you put the word him in there. Got Phil doesn't really make sense. Phil's heaps better, Tommy. It's just like we're just always... It's a lot better. Phil's, Phil, Phil, Phil.

How about this? Carl is a pedophile. That I can get behind. That's good. Carl loves filling up against boys. These are actually lies. These are actually lies. I like this got Phil thing.

Hey, Phil, I like that you've got my mic because it's taken the edge off me. You're the actually only one here who isn't a trader and you don't have a podcast or a website. Thank you. Thank you. All right, well, the two weirdest people have touched, so that's good.

Four of the people know how to use GarageBand and one just lives in a garage. Phil. Oh, man. You've got Phil again. That's why he's at the top. That's why he's at the top. Got Phil.

Yeah. Billy boy. There you go. You should jump off the Westgate, Phil, if you love him. The barrier's too high and I'm too fat.

Anyway, I better go. I better go because I want to be first in line to get the nautograph after the show. And if any of you get in front of me, I will stab you. Okay. Thanks, everybody. Oh, Phil.

Give it up for Phil, everyone. Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. See you, Phil. All right. Well. So, um... The big Phil. Alright. Well.

So, um... The big man. Anyway, we will actually be selling the T-shirt he was wearing after the show. Kind of makes all these other people not really look like fans at all, you know? None of them have written sexually explicit stories about us or... Threatened anyone with death, so... A little bit disappointing. I will say though about the phone number.

I know that you've talked about this before but you complain about it every week. You know you can just change it, right? You can just change it. It sometimes feels like you're asking for it. I don't want a victim blame. A good joke is a good joke.

You'll just stick with it? Quick, you were there for the origin of the number being given. I was. I was also there for Dr. Doctor, wasn't I? Yeah. Yeah, you were. I think I was. Yeah.

And I've only done about two podcasts. Yeah. Have you only done two podcasts? Because I was there for them. Yeah, this is episode three. Ask Bill. Yeah, this is good. I think this will really take off, this podcast.

And why would you get rid of it? It's very catchy. It's 0438... No! 660. Don't! Don't rid of it? It's very catchy. It's 0438 660 8 You guessed the last two. There's a three. Did you get that? Don't.

I'll give it to you after the show. The desperation of people whipping out their phones to write it down. Just listen to it, you lazy. It's on something that you already listen to. Phil cut it into himself. Cut it into his arm. Look, it's just a...

Has anyone changed their phone number before? I don't know. It's just going to be a pain in the arse. It's a bit, yeah. No, it's one of those things. It's actually really fucking simple to know. A phone number, once you've made a commitment to something for a very long time, you just want to keep...

Yeah, you know what? I get so many calls, it does get engaged. So that's the first... That's the difference, I guess. Yeah, Diane loves it because she hears ring ring around the house. Got Phil. Philly. For context, Diane's that 11 year old you're dating, right?

If we could just say her name a bit more, that'd be awesome. She's a massive fan of it. Not at all. She actually did say to me, can know, can I fly up tonight? And I was like, no, don't come to any podcast we ever do. She doesn't listen to all the shit I cop about that subject. So if you could not tell her, that'd be great. Okay, so could someone publish her number on the internet?

Man, that would be real bad. That was my favourite. When I did your show last year, Chandler. My solo show? Yeah, the solo show. We get comic every night to sit in there. It was so great because Diane was in the crowd. And I held back for 15 minutes before making an engagement joke.

Can we just say my girlfriend? Can we just say that instead? Don't even say her name. Yeah, well, you can't say fiancé yet, can you? We're two very different things. Happy birthday, Carl. Happy birthday, Phil. So, what happened?

Well, Diane was in the crowd and I made a couple of references to her. He just told you not to say her fucking name. Oh, sorry. He assumed you were already editing this bit. Good decision. His girlfriend. That's smart. He assumed you were already editing this bit. Fuck. Good decision that they were going to edit this bit out. That's smart. Hey, I have a quick follow-up on something from last week's episode that we did.

I don't know how many people have heard it. I talked about my dad wanting to get into the merchandise thing. Oh, yeah. Start selling T-shirts through this podcast. I'm a mode person. Yeah, that's one of the slogans. So for anyone who hasn't heard it. I love gluten. I love gluten.

That's one that he wants to put out there. Now, so we talked about it. Dad wants to, yeah, make T-shirts. This guy will be making a fake one and not paying for it. David Allsop with two L's. That's that guy's bootleg brand. So I messaged Dad to say we talked about it on the podcast. I've had a lot of people message to say they would in fact buy

an I love gluten T-shirt. So already more interest in Dad's T-shirts than anything that we've ever made for this show. I mean I like the political commentary and I'm a boat person. I felt like that was just edgy. I was like give me one of those. Someone suggested that we should do it like Kanye style like book out like an arena like Madison Square Garden

and we have like Dad modelling his t-shirts while we do a live podcast over the speakers. That'd be pretty great. So I got Dad to email through some of his other slogans that he's got because I couldn't remember them all. So let's take a poll because I think we should actually do this and I'm interested to know what would sell the best. Like what slogan are these people like the best?

I'm also interested in who's a better comedy writer, Tommy Daslow or his dad. Hey, guys, you've got to get the limited edition My Son Had Cancer shirt. My son had cancer and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. He can have that one. He can have it. Now it's turned into fucking theatre sports.

Okay, so we've got I Love Gluten. We've got Fat and Happy. Okay, so we've got I Love Gluten. We've got Fat and Happy. Okay, alright. Hang on, is he designing this for the public or for his family? Wear this, son. I Need All The Preservatives

I Can Get. Oh yeah, I reckon that's alright. He really loves some food shirts, doesn't he? Well, the other thing is I think the smart thing about it is he really is pitching it to an audience of people who buy these sort of t-shirts. So I think that's what he's done.

He's gone with like, what is the market? What do I see people wearing? And he's like targeted that down. Yeah, for sure. I think he's clever. I am a boat person, one of them. Yeah, I am a boat person. That's amazing.

Would you wear that? That's pretty good. I would wear one of those. Yeah. But you would live in a fucking garage. It's untrue if I wear it, isn't it? I'm more of a garage guy than a boat person. One of them is just...

No, I share my room with a boat. A boat, a four-wheel drive. A whippersnapper, yeah, that sort of stuff. One of them is sensible shoes with just then a picture of high heels. I don't get that one. Does that make sense to anyone? It makes as much sense as I am a boat person, really. If you're not a boat person and you wear it, it's good.

I wear sensible shoes with a picture of high heels. Yeah. Is he trying to tell you something? Yeah. I love Silence of the Lambs. I dance in front of the mirror with me cocktail between my legs alright dad we're onto this

I love 5% of Silence of the Lambs Bogans love coffee too too right they do seriously this local area in Brisbane proves that good coffee joy did you put your hand up too right they do like seriously this local area in Brisbane proves that yeah good coffee Joyce

there is did you put your hand up was that to agree or to say I'm a bogan what was that a bit of both that's the thing

I've always wondered do people do bogans say I'm a bogan what about that's a t-shirt I agree and I'm a bogan

for two people to have that's what you need you need like bogans enjoy coffee too and then your mate can have I agree agree and I'm a bogan. For two people to have. That's what you need. You need like bogans enjoy coffee too and then your mate can have it. I agree. I'm a bogan.

You have to buy them as a set. As lovers. They do say I'm a bogan but in their own language a burnout and a V8. There used to be

a Bevan up here anyway wasn't there? There was Bevan before. How come the phrase Bevan got phased out? What happened? Luke Heggie, comedian Luke Heggie loves throwing a Bevan up here anyway, wasn't there? Yeah, Bevan. How come the phrase Bevan got phased out? What happened? Luke Heggie, comedian Luke Heggie, loves throwing around Bevan. Is Bevan just named after the guy from Young Talent Time?

Is that what it is? No, but glad we're back to your reference. Yeah. Close your eyes and I'll kiss you. Carl says to kids. Pedophile. Happy 40th says to kids. Pedophile. Happy 40th. Pedophile.

Pedophile. Okay, I've got three more. This is one that Dad thinks he's just come up with. Nerd. What? Just having that on a T-shirt. What? Dad thinks that's an original idea that he has had.

Nerd. A T-shirt that just says nerd. The word nerd. The word nerd. I think he's the first to do it. Really? He's a genius. I haven't seen it. I thought I. The word nerd. I think he's the first to do it. Really? He's a genius. I haven't seen it.

I thought I invented the word dork. True story. And I don't know who can prove me wrong there. Who can prove that I did not invent the word dork? There you go. When was the first time you used it? What was the reasoning behind it? He fucking sleeps next to petrol.

That's why. The fumes. I do now. The constant fumes. I do now. What made you come up with that word then? If you think you came up with it. It's cosmic, isn't it?

I don't know. I just remember saying it. You can't say that. They'd say it's cosmic. No, well, it came to me and I just said... I think I could do brain surgery. Do you, Cody? Yeah, it's cosmic.

It wouldn't hold up, would it? Prove me wrong That's a horrible way of using the word cosmos The cosmos was responsible for me saying dork That's not a thing Who were you calling a dork? Dorks, I was calling dorks Who else would you call?

Cosmos holds up My friend Nick swears that he invented going Why did you call it? Dorks. I was calling dorks. Who else would you call it to? All right. Cosmos holds up. There you go. My friend Nick swears that he invented going, meh, you know, when people just like, just dismissively. No, he did not. Yeah, he still swears by this. That is definitely not true. Yeah.

It drives me crazy because you get it, like, every couple of years I'll go, surely you're giving up this. Like, you're going to admit now that you're being a child all this time. He's like, no, no, I'm standing by this. I was the first person in the world to do it. If he really invented it, he would have said, surely by now you would have given this up. And he would have gone, eh.

He would have backed himself, but he didn't. He knows he's a liar. Me? Yeah, I'm probably lying. You are. I mean, I'm 35 years old, so the word dork might be older than that. But I thought I said it, and I was like, that just came to me. And yeah, pretty good, pretty good.

So if you've used it, just know that, you know, you should be paying me small royalties. Wouldn't that be great? Dork has been phased out, not many people say that. I reckon that'd be great if with every new word, if like a new word came in, that people could now trademark that word. So if you did want to use it, you would have to just send them a little bit of royalties if you dropped in whatever. I don't know. I like that you've sort of invented

the perfect word for someone who thinks they've invented the word dork, which is dork. Dork. I am a dork. No, it's a real quirk. You're a real quirk, buddy. Yeah, we're all on team quirk. Okay, I got two more. Quirk, I think you'll be a fan of this one. Oh, there's two more t-shirts. There's two more t-shirts. He's been churning these out for years. That's live? Oh, you're on? I'm good two more. Quirk, I think you'll be a fan of this one. Oh, there's two more t-shirts. There's two more t-shirts. Fucking great. He's been churning these out for years.

That's probably too many. That's live? Oh, you're on? I'm good, thanks. Okay. Cannibals prefer vegans. What was that? Sorry, once more.

Cannibals prefer vegans. It sounds like a joke, but it's not. Hold on. You know what? I'll give it a test if it's a joke or not. Here we go. Cannibals prefer vegans. It's a joke.

It's a joke. It's a joke. Dad, it's a joke. It passed the test. It's definitely a joke. Not only is it a joke, it's in my festival show. Okay, here's the last one. No, I want to examine this one just for a second because we have a vegan here.

Let's remind everyone. And we have... Well, I'm vegetarian. What a dork. But Cody's like carnivore, right? So, like, if you were a cannibal in the audience now, would you prefer to, like, chow down on some Cody or would you prefer to chow down on some Quirk?

That's essentially... That's a weird time to move. Did you hear that? What? Would you prefer to chow down on Cody and somebody goes, Woo! Yeah.

Ric Flair. Ric Flair's here. Like, I mean, maybe just as a vote, I'm going to do that thing they do on quiz shows where you put your hand behind the head and people applaud loud for who you'd most like to eat. What quiz show do they do this on? He's a very late man.

So, if you'd like to eat Mick Cody, clap your hands. If you'd like to eat David Quirk, clap your hands. Dismal. People whistling. No, there's a few people going, neither. Neither. Some people didn't vote. Some people don't want to eat other people.

Or chow down. There wasn't a high turnout at this election. He won't understand this, being a vegan. But Quirk, you're a lot leaner. You'd be like eating kangaroo meat and I'm more like Wagyu beef. It's a bit fattier. It's been marbled. We were in a live film.

Like I'd be eating you for sure. Would you? Versus a vegan, yeah. Because there's just more meat on the bone. Also, vegans are fine to eat. I'm vegetarian, but I bite my fingernails. I reckon you could eat it. That sounds like one of Dad's t-shirts.

I would eat. He can have it. I would eat another human if they let me or if they're dead or whatever. Just because I'm vegetarian. I think that'd be delicious because I've licked a person. They are delicious. Why would you not want to

have a bite? Licking a person and eating things are the rudiments of cannibalism. Right. Yeah. It's a gateway drug. You're just gnawing down and then suddenly you're like,

ooh, fuck, wouldn't mind a four-skid. I just think they'd be like calamari. Fry them up, chewy, delicious. Tartar sauce. What was the last meat you guys ever ate? Was there a point where you ate a bit of meat and go, that's it? How long have you been vegan for? Oh, years now.

How long since you ever eaten meat? I got meat in about 1999. But I accidentally ate wombat once. I've run on half a shoulder. You know, cows weren't affected by the Y2K bug. That's why I saw it. Are you talking about the millennium bug? Get down.

That's the final T-shirt. I'll have a go at one. I'll have a go at one. Did he eat it? 1999 Morton Bay bug? Millennium bug? Oh, I fucked it. Chandler.

I fucked it. Or was it a 1999 Morton Bay bug? It's supposed to be a millennium bug. Okay, final one. This is a riff on the previous one,

sort of. Stakeholders offend vegetarians. How's steak spelled? I mean, it's important. You're right It's a good question So what do we reckon?

Let's solve this now Which one's the winner that we should send off to the printing press? I need to pass this information back Can you read them all out again? And the other thing is My dad's got a company He wanted me to stress this The name of his company

He has not started a company No but the t-shirt label is Avocado and Banana instead of Green and Gold. Your dad sounds insane. Okay, don't lock that in. I'll pass that on. So we've got, I love gluten, I'm a boat person, fat and happy, I need all the preservatives I can get,

sensible shoes, bogans love coffee too, cannibals prefer vegans. Stakeholders offend vegetarians. I feel like bogans love coffee too. It feels like a real winner to me. Okay. I'm a fan of the boat people, but I don't think it would sell. Yeah.

Yeah, we know that. It's the best one. Because it's got this weird political thing. It sounds great, but it also could be offensive in a weird way to wear that shirt. The message of the bogan one kind of goes. It sounds great, but it also could be offensive in a way to wear that shirt. The message of the Bogan one kind of... No, no, no. It's saying that unless you're Indigenous... We're all Bogan.

My grandparents came here on a boat. That was completely... I'm not a boat person. I'm making. This isn't merch for P&O. That is a good idea, to be honest. Those fuckers will buy anything. That's what you've got to do.

It's more critical than I knew. It's really annoying. It's really annoying. That's bad. When you eat snow peas for 17 years, your brain's like, I don't know what this T-shirt means. Have a steak.

S-T-E-A-K. You didn't catch a bogey, dork? No, I don't. Did you think of that word? These are the kinds of conversations that'll be happening in my dad's shop before every sale, I imagine. What about instead of nerd, just dork?

Yeah, but then he'll have to pay you royalties. And why not avocado and banana republic? Oh, yeah. I don't quite get the bogans one, though. Like, bogans also love coffee too. Like, is that a stereotype? Is anyone going around those fucking bogans? They fucking hate a bit of coffee.

Like what's it in you know what I mean? Well it's not that they hate coffee but it's not considered your bogan thing your coffee. It's like more

your hipstery thing like coffee. So it's bringing bogans who also love coffee. It feels very inclusive Tommy. Okay. That's what I like about it. It joins us together

because Australians are mostly bogans and we do love coffee. So I feel like that's a t-shirt that can heal. Alright. I'd like to see a T-shirt that can heal. Alright. I'd like to see Andrew Bolden one

on a Sunday morning bringing this country together. Doesn't matter if you like black coffee or white coffee. Bogans like coffee. Alright, I'm going to pass this along to Dad. Who would buy one? Who would buy a Bogans love coffee drink?

No one. Give him a round of applause. No one. Wow, okay. There's more cannibals in here than fans of your dad's shirt. I like how we get to the end of that ten minute? No one. Give a round of applause. No one. Wow, okay. There's more cannibals in here than fans of your dad's shirt. I like how we get to the end of that ten minute discussion.

Right, now we've got the winner. Who wants to buy one? No one. This is what focus groups are all about. Guys, we've got to wrap this up because we've got to do another one of these

in about 15 minutes. Guys, give a big round of applause. David Quirk. Yay! Nick Cody. Thank you. Will Anderson. So you guys all have shows at the Brisbane Comedy Festival tonight, last night, tonight?

And in Melbourne coming up, it's probably more handy for people at home. Yes. Well, I know Quirk will fuck this up, so I'll just say mine. Nick Cody, come get some. Acme, 9.45. Did you think Quirk was going to fuck say mine. Nick Cody, come get some. Acme, $9.45. Did you think Quirk was going to fuck up your title? No, no, no. It's just a plug.

You know how long it's going to get him to go. The name of my show and a time. This could take fucking hours. Quirk will be claiming he come up with the name of your show. Did you just say a time for Melbourne for you? Yeah, because I said my show in Melbourne. And there's the venue and time. This makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? What a dork. I honestly don't know the time in Melbourne and there's the venue and time. This makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? What a dork.

I honestly don't know the time in Melbourne, but that's why I was impressed that he did know. But I know the title and the venue, neither of which I'll say. Thanks. Come to my show in Melbourne. David, come and see David Dork, everyone. David Dork,

Approaching Perfection. Approaching Perfection, obviously, slowly. Slowly. Might not get there. Very slowly. A perfect dumb cunt. Harsh, but fair. Godfill.

Thanks, folks. Or come at 5.30 tonight, actually, in Brisbane, if you want. Oh, yeah. Anybody coming to one of our shows tonight? Yeah. Which means they're not coming to their stand-up. What a shock. Hey, Phil will be here.

What have you got, Will? You've got the whole month at the Comedy Theatre? Yeah, a month at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. My show is called Fire at Will and you can't come and see it tonight in Brisbane because it's sold out. But you can come and see it in Melbourne or Sydney at the Sydney Opera House. One night only.

April 7th, two shows at the Opera House. And then Perth the first week of May. Oh, you're April 7th. I think I'm April 6th. Alright, guys. We have our month of comedy festival shows on sale now. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. One more round of applause for all our guests.

Thank you guys for coming down. And we'll see you next time. See you next time.