The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 295 - Lawrence Mooney & Marty Sheargold

Episode Date: June 1, 2016

Axing Shows, Returning to Stand-Up and Salad Rolls. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Sam Simmons. Sam is doing a return of his show, Not A People Person, in Melbourne and Perth. And the Barry and Edinburgh Comedy Award winner wants you to go and check it out. He's playing Friday the 17th and Saturday the 18th of June at the Athename Theatre in Melbourne. And then the following weekend, Saturday the 25th of June at the Regal Theatre in Perth. A Sam Simmons show is an experience that you will never forget. We both recommend that you go and check him out. Tickets are available now through Ticketek.

Melbourne, so many of you have bought tickets to the live 300th episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club that we have moved venues! Man, this is it. If you've got a ticket already, sorry, we are no longer at the European Beer Cafe. And your ticket is now null and void. You have to buy a new one.

No, not true. You can still use it. So we are still Saturday night June the 25th. We have moved to a massive venue because you guys have sold out. We've sold out the European Beer Cafe. We need a much much much bigger venue. So we are now at the Croxton Hotel.

The Croxton Park Hotel. Don't just go to Croxton. You've got to go to that little park. Yeah. Find the swings and the slides. Do that. It's in Northcote. It's in Northcote. So you need to get a tram or a train out there.

It's on the tram line. It's on the train line. It's very close to both of them. So it's not a big deal. It's a little bit out of the city, but it's a massive venue so we can finally fit all you idiots in. Yeah, cool pub.

There's like a food truck park across the street for all you gluttonous fucks that are as disgusting as us. There is actually a super cool place to have dinner over the road from it. So right now, Wheelhouse. Burgers and tacos and all that sort of stuff in a food truck park. So we're in a huge band room. We've got a lot of tickets to sell. So guys, yeah, bring some mates.

You've got time. Get some friends into the show. Bring them down. And it's going to be a bit of a supersized show. Are we doing this? We're going to do a little bit of a stand-up show at the start, then a bit of a break, and then the podcast. So it's going to be a big night.

I mean, we'll have the room, big cool room to ourselves at the end of the night. So we'll do something at the end of the evening as well. It is a massive, massive venue. So it's the biggest show we've ever done by far. Like we've already sold so many tickets that show we've ever done by far. We've already sold so many tickets that it's our biggest show by far. We've still got a month

to go. I've heard from plenty of listeners of the show that when I've said we've sold so many tickets, they've still gone, we haven't even bought our tickets yet. There's still plenty of people. This has to be it. We can't move from here. Seriously, if you want to go, just get in right now. Buy a ticket right now.

Big occasion. 300 there. So it's going to be a huge party. Like Tommy says, we're going to do a bit of stand-up as well. So it's going to be a super-sized show all of a sudden. A lot of people now going, oh, so we can get there a bit late. That's good. Oh, no.

I mean, the podcast starts first. Yes. The podcast is in 20-minute segments in between the stand-up. Anyway, so very much looking forward to it, Tommy. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, and thanks to everyone who's bought tickets so far. It's exciting. It's really exciting.

Genuinely exciting. Like all these live shows that we've got coming up, we're sort of breaking sales records with all of them. So, yeah, like the Sydney one. Yep. So Sydney has the Sunday afternoon Dumb Dumber Palooza has sold – July the 10th has sold out that's crazy

you guys have filled out the room it's only been on sale for like a couple of weeks you've already snapped up all the tickets so we are now looking at we're going to do a second live podcast

on the Saturday afternoon hopefully hopefully at the time of recording we haven't fully gotten confirmation of that but if you keep an eye

on the social media in the next 24 hours or so we're very close to being able to announce where and when that will be. So yeah, two podcasts in two days and yeah, man, thank you so much you guys who've gone and bought all those tickets. That's crazy. Good on you, Sydney.

Man. So yeah, sold out the three-hour show on the Sunday. So get on Facebook, get on Instagram, get on Twitter. Find out where our next movements are with that and then Canberra. Canberra, man, we were thinking about, you Twitter, find out where our next movements are with that. And then Canberra, Canberra. Man, we were thinking about, you know, we've been putting off Canberra. We've been sort of going, is there much of an interest in Canberra?

I know we've had a few people yelling at us or whatever, but we are on… In general. Yeah, from cars down Riversdale Road. But we have sold heaps of tickets for Canberra as well. It's very exciting. It's like half full at this point. We've like two months to go or something. Yeah.

Ages away. So it's Sunday, July. No, Saturday. Saturday, July 30. Yes. Driving up, leaving. What time do you reckon we leave? Let's work this out now.

Bring up Google Maps. I reckon we're going to leave at like 10 a.m. in the morning. Leave at about 10? Yeah. Drive up. We're going to have an eight-hour drive to Canberra. Stop off somewhere for lunch. Get maps up right now.

Let's work out Where to stop for lunch Do we go past The dog on the tucker box We can We can Yeah Does that add time To the journey

No Okay Let's do it It's not that good It's really small Yeah I know I've seen it Oh have you

Let's steal it And bring it to the game There'll be no room Tommy We'll be sold out We'll have Dilawook In the car We will too I mean maybe

Maybe Who knows So yeah All that stuff guys We'll be sold out. We'll have Dilawrook in the car. Oh, we will too. I mean, maybe. Maybe. Who knows? So, yeah, all that stuff, guys. Yeah, this is really cool. Like this is, you know, we're used to putting shows on sale and then getting full in the last 24 hours. Yeah. This is crazy for us.

We're so positive in this ad at the start. Yeah. Let's never go to Adelaide again. So we don't have to have this negative. let's never go to Adelaide again so we don't have to have this negative let's go to all these cool happy states

yeah so all those tickets littledumbdumbclub.com if you go to that website you'll also find all the merch we're sitting in my house at the moment

there are four boxes of merchandise if you can get some of them out of my house no you have actually been buying a heap of them. I've only got all those boxes in my house because you guys have sold out all the

other stuff. Yeah, you complain, but it's like you've gotten like three reprints in the last month or something. Yeah, it's crazy. So that's really cool. Yeah, so that's it guys. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all that information. Enjoy this episode with Lawrence Mooney and Marty sheargold and we'll see you out there in the big wide world oh that's dumb

you say something better than all right okay guys see you mates hey mates welcome once again into the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Now, the listeners want to know, you last week, for anyone tuning in for the first time this week, you got a fine for being on the phone in your car. Yes.

I'm bringing this up at the start of the show because our two guests, I'm sure, fines from the police will have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Well, let's bring them in right now. They can jump into this continuing conversation. Okay, let's do it. Okay, first of all, you know him from Dirty Laundry Live and from the Moonman pilot, which is on ABC iView right now. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Lawrence Booney.

Thank you very much, Tommy. Hello, Carl. Dirty Laundry Live was officially axed last week. Officially? Officially, yeah. I like that you sort of went out there on social media and said, oh, it's gone now. I actually got a bit more of a heads up because I had the Dirty Laundry Live

Twitter account on my phone and it just came up like deleted. Yeah. No, I got that too and so I said to the executive producer and then the head of department, listen, I've been getting tweets from a lot of people who are Dirty Laundry Live fans saying that the account has been deleted. And they said, yeah, it means nothing. Accounts get deleted all the time.

Wow. And we're a bit disappointed that it's just happened like that. It's like, oh, God. People in this industry don't know how to tell you it's over. Yeah. Yeah. The Twitter account closing, that's got to be the last thing you do. Sure.

So, yeah, I put a call in to the head of department saying, I am pretty disappointed with the way the ABC went about about it it's just shit you obviously haven't got a policy in place or a process to tell people it's over like show gets axed call the series producer call the host maybe call the fucking host call the fucking host and tell him it's over so not everybody knows except him and then the host can call Lifeline. Yeah. That's the process. 13, 14, 11.

I reckon I get that number wrong all the time. And if people listen to this and ring Lifeline, they're just like, this number has been disconnected. I've got it on my favorites. I'll just check now. Also joining us, his first time on the show. We've been wanting to make this happen for a while. Very excited to have him in here.

You know him also from Dirty Laundry Live and from Nova. Please welcome into Little Dum Dum Club, Marty Sheargold. Thank you, gentlemen. Yes. Pleasure to be here. I'm not sure how it works, but I'm here. How did you take the news? Well, I heard the news from Moon via text,

and then I heard the subsequent sort of follow-up story about what are the actual processes in place for letting people know these kind of things happen. Now, did you let Sheargold know before you called up the ABC or after? I'm not too sure. But I was actually going to maybe suggest that some key members of the team, like Brooke Satchwell, Marty Sheargold, and our series producer, Peter Lawler, might have been called by him.

Maybe one of the writers, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Sorry, man. No, it's coming back, though. We're just putting it on ice for a bit to preserve it. Yeah, it's coming back. It's like Tommy's girlfriend.

It's just on hiatus. Listen, we've moved it into a few different time slots. At least they didn't move it around and do that kind of thing or shelve it. Yeah. I don't know if I've ever told this on the show, but you and I worked as writers on TV Burp many years ago. Yes, 2009 with Ed Cavill.

With Ed Cavill doing a clip show from memory. Yeah, called TV Burp. Who was that for? Nine? No, seven. Seven. And they moved it across its eight weeks into four time slots. Yes. Hard to build fans.

Hard to build fans. It's like, where's the show gone? It's over here. Where is it? It's over here. It's a game of chasey. Eventually fans just go, I don't know whether your heart's in this. Yeah, that's right.

Where's the Twitter account gone for TVB? One of the things, and TV executives with their bullshit, one of the explanations I was given is we're taking it off to protect it because we don't want it to go bad in the ratings and for it to never come back. Oh, right. That was TV Burt, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what happened?

It went bad in the ratings because you moved it four times and it never came back. Of course. So we all get pulled in for this meeting where the executive producer is like, yeah, we're protecting it. It gives us that whole thing. He walks out of the room. Everyone's in silence a bit like, oh, this is a bummer.

And then you just turn around and go, for fuck's sake, just tell us it's dead. Good work, mate. When the Grim Reaper comes, I'll be going, come on, mate. Just throw the bowling ball at me. Cough it up. Has there ever been an end of season sort of party for a TV show where they go, well, that's it, guys, because it's always like, oh, no, no, next season. I suppose, you know, Seinfeld knew that he was doing his last season.

Were you at the party? Yeah. Yeah, they totally knew it was over. What's the deal with you guys losing your jobs? Hey! Yeah, traditionally you never know, do you? You all leave and think, well, it's coming back. Yeah. And then it doesn't. We worked with a guy who'd? You all leave and think, well, it's coming back. Yeah.

And then it doesn't. We worked with a guy who'd been sacked off many shows, Brad. He'd worked on Channel 7's version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, which was called something like The Mastermind or something like that. Or Millionaire Minute. Anyway, he was writing on that and went away on holiday, and I think the show was continuing whilst he was away, and then he came back on the Monday morning and the office was empty

and there was just a cleaner vacuuming the office. So no one had told him and he just said, you know, he says, excuse me, mate. Where's the show? You know, the mastermind. He goes, show's fucked, mate. But do you remember, he had like a million hard luck stories where like years and years ago he'd read a thing in the paper

about some like new like plastic form of shopping trolley like a million hard luck stories where like years and years ago he'd read a thing in the paper about some like new new like plastic form of shopping trolley that they were manufacturing overseas and him and his mate go this is and like the word was this is going to be like a huge revolution they're going to get rid of all the old shopping trolleys so him and his mate go let's import heaps of them and start selling them on to all the local supermarkets we'll start small so they get this huge shipment and they pay all this money to get all these shopping trolleys. They sell them to this small little supermarket

in a little country town. Within a week, a bunch of kids have stolen some of them, set them on fire in a local park, and they've all just fucking melted together. And so that was a big story. And so then every other supermarket chain goes, nah, no thanks. And so you can just make it now stuck with like hundreds of them

at the back of their house. That's awful. And then there was one day he comes in and he reckons that him and his dad when he was a kid were in line at the supermarket and the guy, there was someone who like wanted to cut in front of them, was like, oh, I've only got one thing. And the dad goes, yeah, all right, go on in. And so this lady goes in front of them, you know,

puts her stuff through, and then all these alarms go off and the cashier's like, you're our millionth customer. And all these balloons start coming down. They're like, you've won a car. This is like two months into us working with this guy where we're like, I reckon all these stories might have been made up. He's just a good old-fashioned liar.

Yeah. And a bad omen. But who makes up stories about them being terrible, though? Like, wouldn't you want to make up a story about something good happening to you? Well, he just was the ultimate sad sack. Comedians make up stories about being terrible all the time. It's like, you know, failure is the big thing. So you just exaggerate failure.

But that gets a laugh. That gets a laugh on stage. Who goes into an office and goes, here's a story about how pathetic I am? You'll look at me in a horrible way from now on. He told us all this stuff about himself. Didn't you, Lawrence, then like a week after we'd started the job, you were driving in and you heard him call up an AM radio show and complain about like some online begging thing

where he was just like going off about some trivial concern and you then get in there and go, there's a guy on the radio who sounded just like you, being a fucking idiot complaining about this. And he's like, yeah, that was me. Really good stuff. God, who rings AM radio shows in other news? I rang in once.

What about? I rang in when I said cunt on Dirty Laundry Live. Yeah. And John Fane was teeing off. Was he? With Debbie Anka on me. Yeah, Debbie Anka's his TV reporter. Yeah.

And some woman rang in to say, that word has a direct link, the use of that word, to violence against women. I was like, oh, come on. It's gone too far. So I got on the phone and I rang in and said, can we just calm the hysteria a little bit? I use that word and... But it was in the context of a joke, wasn't it?

Well, I was calling Charles Saatchi a cunt because he had choked Nigella Lawson. Yeah, so it's got context. Yeah, complete context. And it was like the perfect use of the word in the circumstances. Plus it was a joke. It was like Charles Saatchi choked Nigella Lawson, criticises her in the circumstances, plus it was a joke. It was like, Charles Saatchi chokes N'Jella Lawson, criticises her in the press for not sticking up for him,

then announces his divorce or separation from her via press release, and he's in advertising. What a guy. I mean, here we go. That's the joke. The phone lines have lit up, so this is good. So, yeah. So, the folk at 774, you know.

I mean, John Fane can fix left-wing outrage like Ray Hadley can fix right-wing outrage. He's just a shock jock. Yes. He's just, yes, yeah, he is without the ads. Yeah. What would you have to say on AM radio that would fire you up enough to call in and let rip? Look, nothing fires me up, really. It's the people that ring the station that really fire me up enough to call in and let rip. No, look, nothing fires me up, really. It's the people that ring the station that really fire me up.

That's great. Because it's a constant reminder of how simple the suburbs are. Yeah. And we should never, ever get ahead of ourselves and forget about all the people we're dragging through this life. Do you get complaints? Do you ever get complaints? Oh, not that I see.

Yeah, sure. So they insulate you. I'm completely insulated from complaints. And I'm not on social media. So I don't see what people think of me. Is that why you're not on social media? That's a very good move, you know. Look, it's not really why. I just never got into it. Because I'm

45. You know, the thing, the big thing was Facebook. You just saw how Moon reacts to all the criticism on social media and thought I better not I've heard of a few of Moon's

Twitter stouches and I reckon I'd be a bit that way inclined too yeah get on the front foot absolutely so it's best to

it's best I don't reckon it's time consuming and then it consumes a lot of your mind and you're a thinker Marty so you'd be thinking about what is that person think? And, oh, maybe I was too harsh.

Yeah. God, I hope I haven't upset anyone or get fucked, everybody. I'm exactly the same as you, Moon, but I'm a nobody, so it doesn't harm me at all. Anyone says anything to me on Twitter, I'm like, right, go fuck yourself. I go as hard as I can, but it doesn't get in the paper because they'd have to explain who I was first. Yeah. You can't pull down a five-star jerk headline. Big news for you since you were last on the program.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What is it? So that was Adelaide in February this year, getting into a Twitter spat with a reviewer. You got unfavorable. Oh, it wasn't that unfavorable. I thought it was an unfavorable review. People go, well, it was three stars, you know, relax.

But I just didn't think it was a great... But wasn't it the process thereby in she was a real estate writer for the publication? Not even that bothered me. What bothered me was that the theory was posited, what's the difference between a comedian and a stand-up? And there was no criteria, no discussion. No, a comedian and a funny person. Sorry, comedian and a funny man.

Just saying comedian setup makes you sound like you're really splitting hairs on this one. And her point was, which side did you fall on? So what's the difference between a comedian and a funny man? So then there was no actual criteria, like I said, no discussion, no questions asked, and just gets to the bottom of this kind of like half-arsed review and said, he's just a funny man standing under a light. And I was fine with that.

Yeah. Were you? I actually was. Well, you are a funny man standing under a light. Hey, let's go through Twitter. Were you fine? I perform my show in darkness, so that is just completely unresearched. It was Valentine's Day, and I had a lovely meal with Lou and my daughter Maggie.

And then I went back to the hotel room and started drinking from the minibar. And Lou said, I'm going to go to bed now. She goes, what are you doing on your phone? I said, I'm just checking out some emails. Sure. The moment her head hit the pillow, the top of my head exploded. Can you remember the one, was there one thing that set you off? Yeah.

Yeah, there was. Which bit was it? I was fine with it. And then my publicist in Adelaide sent me a text saying, hey, don't worry about that. She's just a real estate writer. So that was the detonator. Yeah.

That was boom. The side of the hill blows out. It's the modern world, isn't it? And buries 70 people. I mean, they've let so many people go that to fill those column inches, they've had to drag her across. Well, I've spoken to people at News Limited. The only art form where they drag people across is

for comedy. And of course, their explanation is, well, there's such a volume of shows at fringe festivals and comedy festivals, we couldn't cover them otherwise. But nobody is pulled in to cover an election from the motoring magazine. There's a lot

of writers on an election campaign. But it's like, hey, mate, come in from the motoring. Yeah, get Richard Werrity. Is he the one that's dead? Peter Werrity. Peter Werrity. Peter's dead. Yeah, yeah.

Richard's still going. I think Richard might be dead too, the Werrity brothers. So I think you've probably saved yourself a lot of time, Marty, from not dipping your toe into Twitter. No, I don't get it. Just quickly, that context is that then you've probably saved yourself a lot of time, Marty, from not dipping your toe into Twitter. No, I don't get it. Just quickly, that context is that then you had a bit of a back and forth with that journo and question and it turned into a bit of a front page article. Well, page five, the headline was, the sub-headline was,

what turned this three-star fringe performer into a five-star jerk. Oh, nice. That was the headline. They gave me the full page. Yeah. Writing about me and then had the review on page five. But it's also- Rerunning the review.

That's- Yeah. Did she ever contact you in any- No, I contacted her day two and I said, listen, there was thousands of tweets. They were like reaming through. Yeah. thousands of tweets. They were like reaming through. And so I contacted her and said, listen, I actually have no animosity towards you whatsoever. What's said on Twitter is showbiz, I have no ill feeling towards you,

so I hope you're okay with this. Great. Well done. And her response to me was, I'm actually fine with it, and thank you so much. I just wish my paper and my employer would stop running it, but it's clearly clickbait and it went for the week online. Then, of course, it gets picked up by blogs and then, you know,

secondary online news and then it's away. And it becomes a feminist discussion about how I bully women. Yes, of course, of course. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, ladies. I did like the stitch up on the page five article of you of like the photo that they've chosen to you is you.

Am I correct in this? You leaving court. Court. Yeah. So you look super guilty in it as well. But also they've done a red box about crutch level that looks very much like a penis, very much like a newspaper cock saying, the review. Point is the review.

So it's me looking sheepish with this red thing hanging out of my pants that says, the review. But then there was very interesting fallout or feedback from people in the industry. Mick Malloy interviewed me on The Hot Breakfast. Yeah. The boys got around me a little bit, but he said, he slapped it down on the paper, on the table. He goes, you must be wrapped, mate. Yeah, yeah.

And I said, oh, I don't know. He goes, don't worry. I know you're a little bit rattled right now, but I've had the same thing happen to me in this town. Yes. And the people that weren't going to come and see you or hate you, they were never going to come and see you. But the people that love you, they're reminded about exactly who you are. So relax.

That big red dick of yours. Yeah. Your tiny red review dick. It was small. It was not large. It was like, look at this tiny dick, five-, look at this tiny, dicked five-star jerk. And he was like, five-star jerk. You've got to do it every year.

You've got to come over here, do a show, and just lay into a reviewer. And then put it on your poster. Five-star jerk. Five-star jerk. Getting back to Dirty Laundry Live, so now that that's gone. Because you were very gracious enough, the show and you and whatever, both me and Tommy made appearances on there. I worked as a writer on – so it was three seasons I worked as a writer.

Three seasons, two on ABC2 and one on ABC1. Yeah, once I went to one, you had to get the big boys in to write, so that's when I started. It was great getting Carl in there because he would – Carl looks like a relatively fit human being, but he would come through that door with his breakfast every morning, a bottle of Coke and a pie. Oh, nice.

And unapologetic. No. Here it is. Hang shit on me, everyone. Got me pie. Going to wash it down with this sweet beverage. To be fair, and we've talked about this many times before, I had to get in early because there's a pie shop near the ABC.

An amazing pie shop. They don't sell pies at lunch. Okay. So it opens at 10 o'clock, so I've got to go many times before. I had to get in early because there's a pie shop that's near the ABC. An amazing pie shop. That don't sell pies at lunch. Okay. So it opens at 10 o'clock. So I've got to go in and get a pie. At 10. Frank's Pies. Yeah.

Because you go in at lunchtime. They're gone. Can I have a pie? They're all gone. Yeah. Why don't you make more? Yeah. I don't want to.

I don't want to. Yeah. And they go, oh, I'll put one in the oven. Cool. How long will that be? 40 minutes? Nah. Nah.

Nah. And also pie shop, no microwave. Oh. How long will that be? 40 minutes? Nah. Nah. And also, pie shop, no microwave. Like the kiln. Yeah. We'll warm your pie for you. Wood fire oven. We'll warm it. It almost sounds like he doesn't understand pies or business.

No, he understands pies, but he is, you want to eat one of my pies, you get in early. I was driving down Glen Huntley Road. It's a drug front. I was driving down Glen Huntley Road the other day. That's a bustling little strip in there. How are you surviving as a business if you're that shit? There's a lot going on. I reckon he owns the premises and he's playing his own game.

Yeah. He's making pies on his own terms. But here's the thing. He doesn't make those pies. This is what I found out. He's got this massive kiln that takes up half the shop. The shop is fucking huge. That kiln takes up half of it. He doesn't make those pies. This is what I found out. He's got this massive kiln that takes up half the shop. The shop is fucking huge. That kiln takes up half of it.

He doesn't make them. So he buys those pies off somewhere else. It's just a markup. Yeah. It's just a pie markup. Just chuck it in the big kiln and make it look like you're making them yourself. Yeah, it's like a big wood fire, but it's like a proper baking igloo. It's amazing.

It is amazing. It's 40 minutes to heat your pie up. But he, Frank wears a beret. He does too. With an insignia on the front. Yeah. What type of insignia? It looks like that beret's been to war.

Yeah. No, seriously. I think it's got a bullet hole in it that may have grazed his head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, I'm not hurrying or rushing for anyone. No. And he's just so loving as he puts his baked goods into your bag. I can't believe, Carl, you've mentioned this so many times.

You've never brought up this guy's wearing a beret in his pie shop. That's the first detail I would bring up. No, but he does have like a little pin that made me think he's like part of the... French Underground. No. Paratroopers. That's a good... SAS.

No. Paratroopers. That's a good... SAS. No. Commandos. I thought he was some sort of like Illuminati or something like that. Oh, yeah. Some weird... Because I sort of thought, whatever that little badge is, it's for something deeper than this and this is a front for something because the business itself makes no sense at all. Right.

We've got to get to the bottom of this. Because all it is is just... And I've said this before on the podcast, I made fun, it became a joke to start with and then became a sickness on my behalf. All I would do is every day I would walk in and go, I'll have a pie please. And they'll go, no, there's no pies. I'm like, cool, no worries. And just would walk out.

But I had to do it every day. So then I would go in. That's great. I would do it every day. So that means that sometimes I would forget and then I'd have to go and do it. And I Yeah. So then I would go in. That's great. I would do it every day. So that means that sometimes I would forget and then I'd have to go and do it. Yeah. And I've already had my lunch. And I'd go in there and go, any pies?

And they'd go, yeah, we do have one. I'm like, okay, I'll have it. And I would just have to get it. It started as a joke and then became a sickness on my part. That's literally a description of everyone in stand-up comedy. It started as a... So, Marty, when are you going to stand up again? Oh, yes. You've been...

I'm threatening. I'm threatening a comeback, Moon. Because I think if you committed... Yeah. No, I do. I just need to do it. I need to commit to it. You'd be great very quickly.

There's a lot of great open mic unpaid gigs out there playing to 12 people. All you need to do is put in the effort. You know when you sort of feel like you've done that? And there's nothing wrong with going back and, you know, going through the cycle again, but there's got to be a, I've got to find a fast track loop in there somewhere to miss the sort of old, you know, the midnight show at Le Joke where there would be literally eight people in there.

And once you've done that in those sort of legendary rooms, it's hard to then go and be in front of eight people again as a 45-year-old fucking guy. It's like, oh, shit. Come do stand-up at one of our live gigs. What if we set that up for you? I'll cancel much closer to the time. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, I thought you were going to cancel this one a few times. I thought the people were getting cold. So I'm like, where's this happening? And they got their own gear. It's like, oh, here come the questions. No, because when you told me, I thought you said Tommy Little. And then I was chatting with Tommy at the festival and Tommy goes, I do a podcast.

I go, oh, great. I said, oh, I'll happily do it for you, mate. And then I thought that I was doing one with Tommy at the festival and Tommy goes, I do a podcast. I go, oh, great. I said, I'll happily do it for you, mate. And then I thought that I was doing one with Tommy Little and now then organising to do one with you, not realising that this is the same one. Yeah. So I sent Tommy a text about three or four days ago going, mate, I think I've overcommitted here. I might push our one, thinking it's just me and Tommy, to later in the year.

Can we shoot for September?, to later in the year. Can we shoot for September? And then later in the year. And then Moon texts me going, Tommy records you've cancelled Wednesday. Yeah. I'm getting both messages at once. I'm getting at the same time again from Daslo going, yeah, Marty's cancelled.

And from Moon going, he's on for four o'clock. I have me Tommy's confused. I thought I committed to doing... I got my dates and my names mixed up. That's right. I thought I'd committed to two different things. And so I was orchestrating the whole thing and I explained it to Carl

and I got back this text. Clut fuck. Cluster fuck, I believe. Sorry, cluster. Cluster fuck. Clut fuck Cluster fuck I believe Sorry Cluster fuck Clut fuck But what is a clut fuck I'm gearing up for a comeback Great

Great 2016's my year Great Do you know I reckon if I would give you One bit of advice You can never go back To where you start

No that's right Where you stopped with stand up Exactly It actually moves quite quickly. And language and nuance and kind of like pop culture references. And I stopped in an awful place. You know, when you're tired, you're sick of the jokes you were doing, the comic that you were.

When was your last gig? On a high. When I really stopped would have been probably early 2000s. Right. Okay. I've done a couple of things since then, but nothing like working as a comic. After how long?

Ten years. Ten years. But towards the end... It's not long in context now, is it? No, it's not. But towards the end of that ten years, I didn't like the comic that I was. So I've got to move, as you say,

through and past that and find another. Oh, you've got to start as you say through and past that and find a oh you've got to start from now yeah exactly I agree with what you say Moon because in comedy I always hear a lot of people go oh you should have

seen this guy this guy he doesn't do it anymore this guy was amazing and then you come back and you go oh that guy's shit yeah

he's doing whatever he was doing 10 years ago exactly yeah so Marty my advice to you would be try as hard as you can Go interstate Get six months under your belt

Without Carl Chandler seeing you Yeah If you have a rocky first one back And this guy's in the room You're going to fucking know about it Well Tom Gleeson told me It'd take three years To get back up to the top of your game

And I felt like that's about right To be really back up and motoring As a proper comic But you're being funny every day, live on the radio. Yeah, but it's not like carving a career out of working in front of a live audience. They're very different beasts. I can afford to be engaging at times and charming. Sure.

But that's not going to cut you any slack when you're staring into 400 faces that are half cut. Can I give you some current ideas that I don't want to use that you could use upon your return to Stan? Oh, gifts. Oh, here you go. Why don't you use this? So the little black box that they have on the plane, why don't they just make the whole plane out of that material?

Good. There you go. Good gift. Very good. That's good. I'll lock that one away. No, I think you should actually use that, Tommy. Oh, really?

I think you should keep that one. Really? It's very Tommy Nestle. I like going to hotels because the little soap makes you feel like you've got a bigger cock when you wash your genitals. So that's why I like staying in hotels.

It's good stuff. Years ago, I stayed in a hotel room and they'd only give you the porn as a sample, but then it was flicking back to Moal Walden doing the Channel 10 news. So it was porn, Mal, porn, Mal. Of course the Channel 10 news so it was porn Mal, porn Mal of course it came when I'm looking at Mal Yes, he's back

He's back, what's this three years bullshit that Gleeson's going on about? Hang on, hang on, you've got to update it to Hitchin Mal Walden's not on TV anymore What do you think about that three year what do you think about Tommy Gleeson's sort of three year target, does that seem about right? It actually moves quite quickly, so yeah.

Is there much work around now to get back into? I'm not meaning to be patronising, but I'm a long way removed from it now. There's always been only a couple of comedy clubs where you go along and you get paid well for a spot, and then there's nights where you can get paid as MC or headliner. Same sort of thing. And similar money, isn't it though? Which is criminal. The money has frozen

for headliners and MCs for a decade. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. It's unbelievable. But then, you know, there's a lot more footy club gigs now where you'd be put onto a bill by people that love you and trust you.

Then get on that little circuit. Get on that little circuit. And then, you know, corporates once you get your chops up. Three years. Yeah, probably a bit more than three years. Because they've seen you on a gala or some TV show being funny and they're requesting you by name. Yes. And they're the ones where, you know, I always feel bad about them.

They are very hard. They really are because they have a preconceived idea of how you're going to be when you get there. And you never are that idea for them. No, and there's always someone that's going to be deeply offended by the fact that you're there because they can't quite wrap their heads around it. So a friend of the show, Mike Goldstein, who you know, Lawrence,

just sent me a message before forward an email that he got from some form of cancer foundation asking him to do a gig in New South Wales or

something. Big brother up late, Mike Goldstein? No, that's no. Big brother up late, Mike Goldman. No. Crank Tommy up.

No. You're a fucking idiot. The voiceover guy from Big Brother wasn't hitting me up today. No. Crank Tommy up. No. You're a fucking idiot. The voiceover guy from Big Brother wasn't hitting me up today. No. Big Brother up late is my goal. I was going to say, I've never seen him do gear. Is he good? No.

My goal scene. So he hit me up saying. And just when you went, you know my goals, and you were like, yeah. Yeah. I love Big Brother up late. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah Lawrence to the diary room I love that guy No Mike Goldstein

So he He was Who the fuck's Mike Goldstein You know him American He hosts Big Brother I'm like No

American American comic That lives in Melbourne now You know him Mike Goldstein Tall Tall guy You know Built guy You went tall Is that right? Tall, tall guy.

Good, you know, built guy. You went tall and then you put your arms out wide. He's built. Tall, fat guy? No. Oh, no, I would say fat. Don't worry about that. I'm more offended at having to explain that he's well built. Yeah, he's a well built guy.

Jewish guy? Yeah. Wow. Fuck. I walked into that one. He's an old watchmaker. Anyway. Yeah, I know, Mike.

Yeah, oh, fuck you. So he just got asked to do a... This should be a new segment every week. Do you know Mike Goldstein? He just got asked to do a gig for some cancer institute and the description given was, it was, it's a free gig and you do it

and it's a two hour gig to do it to do it, two hours of comedy whilst people eat during dinner. That's ludicrous. For free. Ludicrous. Fuck. It's almost too good to be true. Well, I'll forward your name. You'll be into it.

Yeah, get me in. Yeah, they sometimes will drop, you know, we'll be, so you come on during mains, it's like, no. No. No, no. The worst time to come on. Everything's got to be cleared. Yeah. Everyone's got to finish eating.

Really? Great exposure, though. Yeah, because I'm so funny, somebody's going to breathe in half a chop. You're going to have a fucking choking scenario on your hands. You know the Heinlich and the manoeuvre? I did a corporate with a bloke called Matt King many years ago. Always killed Matt King. Mate, he was on fire. I died like a dog.

The noisiest, cutlery, sort of wine-chinking kind of night you could imagine in your worst nightmares. And as I'm coming off, Tony Barber was the MC. Oh, wow. And Tony Barber says to me, well done, mate. Strong effort. And I'm like, thanks, Tony.

Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. And I get back into the green room and I go, Tony thought I was all right. King of King goes, he was in here with me for the whole time, mate. He never saw a minute of it. Oh, fuck. Tony was the home viewer. Tony just gave me a pep talk. He knew a rattled man when he saw one.

That's lovely. He'd worked with some nice contestants in his time. I was about 23 wearing an ill-fitting suit at the Hilton. It was awful, mate, awful. Died like a dog. Fleety had recently did a corporate and he said, never, never again. It was just such a major fail. But I remember one corporate he did for the Hawthorne Football Club.

And he's a Roo boy. And, yeah, he was also in the ill-fitting grey flannel suit. And yeah, he was also in the ill-fitting grey flannel suit. And he was meeting his wife at the time and myself around my place. And he came around and he was ashen-faced. And he was really shocked. And he had a large red wine stain down the front of his suit. And I said, what happened?

He goes, it was just awful. Because Fleety probably hasn't got a corporate set, so he's just doing Fleety gear. And it's been stuck to me back. For the old Fleet fans. So, yeah. So, you know when you kill a prostitute and you're running away. Yeah.

Anyway, this guy had stood up, walked over to the stage and said, you are a disgrace, and thrown his wine on him. Wow. That's outrageous. It is outrageous. It's appalling behavior. But the room just died down. There's a fleet just bullied and left abandoned on the stage with red wine on them.

Just pulled the plug then and there. Who was it? Alan Joyce thrown it at him? Lee Matthews. Gary Bacanara thrown at him? Dermy. No, actually Dermy's a gentleman. Getting back slightly quickly to Dirty Laundry,

one of my favourite moments last year was, so I'd never met you, Marty, before we started Dirty Laundry. Yeah, yeah. Because you're not in the stand-up circles. No. Did you say circle or circus? Circles. Did you say circle?

Circles. It sounded like you said circus. You know, the stand-up circus. Yeah. But, you know, get on the bus. Yeah. We all get in the same tiny little car together and go to gigs. You're not in the comedy chat room.

I'm just calling back to stuff that happened before the podcast started. Yeah, right. Great callback. So, Marty, I didn't know you. I didn't know you before. But first episode comes in. You're on. Been great.

You walk into backstage. I'm talking to the head writer that we won't name on the show. I'm talking to him. You walk in. You walk in and go, oh, great show. Tell you what, great monologue. Who wrote that? Now, that first episode, I think there was eight jokes in it.

I wrote seven. And he took credit for it. And he said, group effort, mate. Group effort. Group effort. Group effort. Is that a group effort? No.

It's seven to one. That's weird. Why would you want to bring this story up? Generously, that is two people. I'll be generous and say that was two people That rode that motorway Have you orchestrated this all the To get Marty in here To finally just tell that fucking story

Good to have you in here Marty Coincidentally We didn't know another until What's that white stuff I can see all over your jeans Jesus It clearly shat you And rightfully so. Yeah, exactly.

Hey, we've all got those bugbears. Absolutely. And we've all orchestrated a conversation, throwing a name up there and going, so is he a good guy? And when other people slag him off, you go, yeah, well, I'll tell you what that cunt did to me. The monologues for that show were always strong though.

It was one of them. Season three, definitely. No, I thought that was actually one of my favourite parts of that show because it then sort of set the bar for the rest of the night. Yeah. And that's always been my great fear about written jokes is you write one bad one, you spend six trying to make up for the one everyone's still thinking was fucked. But there wasn't a lot of that in that.

That wasn't the first time that monologue was being crafted and shaped. And it was always strong. And that's not always the case. Whether you're watching Jimmy Kimmel or... Thank you for saying all the stuff I really dreamed of you saying when I set this up. Look, I think part of it is... Thank you for saying all the stuff I really dreamed of you saying when I set this up. Look, I think part of it is... Thank you for saying all the stuff that he says to himself in the mirror every morning.

I think a wise decision by Peter Lawler, the series producer, very early on was to... They had me standing probably for the first four monologues. Yeah, that's right. And I would say, welcome to the Laundry Line. And come back to the desk. They'd go to a bit of a montage and come back to the desk. And he said, it's not just the monologue that is under pressure there, and it's not always going to work, but you have to start the show three times.

You start with the monologue. Then there's this kind of montage of stuff. And then you get back to the panel. You've got to reset. You start again and then welcome everyone. So he said, why don't you just sit there? It took a lot of pressure off the monologue and it worked really well. And for the most part, you know, there's always a clangor and there's, you know, also jokes that I slaughtered, which is just the way live TV is going to go.

Because the live TV, you know, the opening credits come on and you just think, bang, fuck, I am not mentally prepared for this. Knowing full well that you had. But it is that moment, isn't it? Yeah. Where you just go, God, fuck, this could be really awful. Like, this is down to me. Yeah. And my back sweated a lot more in the first two series than it did in the third.

And that's when I got the impression that maybe things were, I was starting to understand how it worked. Yeah, yeah. Because as the, yeah. Good monologue as well. That's probably why. That's probably why. Yeah, it was the writing. I was about to jump in with a call of,

can't wait for Carl to take credit for your back not sticking out anymore. Yeah, it's because I got you that herbal remedy that shuts down the glands in the back. No, well, actually, Carl, during the third series, had cut the back out of my shirt and was behind me licking the sweat off of it. Yeah, and someone else tried to take credit for that, but it was fucking me.

You licked him seven times, I know you did. Licked him once. One episode. I was back there sucking that Moon Man back sweat. Can I talk briefly about, because, Marty, I've been a fan of your work for a very long time, probably before I started comedy, I reckon. I used to listen to The Shebang on Triple M.

And I think I'd properly have met you like twice on things I've worked on over the last few years. First time I met you was we did, I did an episode of The Librarians. Oh, yeah. Several years ago that you were on. Yeah. And I had like just a very small role in one episode. You were like a regular character.

No, I just did one guy on a couple of episodes. I wouldn't say it was a large role, but it was fun. What was your part, Marty? He was a dodgy guy. I forget what he was. He was a dodgy real estate dude. Dodgy dude. You looked great in the dodgy suit and the sunnies on top of the head.

Oh, yeah. Good look. Great stuff. And so we were sitting around killing time one day, and I had brought along a comic book that I was reading. This is pretty much the first thing you ever said to me. You came up and you said, what are you reading there? And I go, oh, just a comic book.

And you go, oh, that's nice. Does your dad know that you read comic books? Just read this guy, a guy I really look up to. My dad's been born into this. Yeah, that sounds like me. Something kind of quasi-sexual about does your daddy know that you're reading comic books? So now I wish I had have written that. There you go.

I went along to see this band play at the Powerhouse in Brisbane and a friend of mine was singing with them and she said, come along because Nick Cave's drummer is playing with the band and Rob Harvey and a few other guys, it's like all together and we'll go and party afterwards. So I went and saw the gig and it was great and I go get into, I go backstage and then we're getting into a lift to go to someone's hotel room. And I'm there and I can't remember the name of the drummer.

It's not like the drummer of the Bad Seeds now. He's a German or Austrian guy. And he's standing behind me and I've got this kind of like camouflage military jacket on, but it's got studs in the back and a bit of a flag thing on the side and he goes yeah yeah

I had one of those jackets once and I said oh did you and he goes yes when I was 14 then there was just a silence and he just laughed

to himself Well you've done one of them to me I can't remember if I've told this on this show Have I told this on the show? I probably did it the next weekend after that To try and just get the dirt off me You've just got to pass it on A couple of years ago

The night before the comedy festival There was a gig at Crab Lab And I had been on And you know the night before the festival You sit there going Fuck is my show any good? Am I fucked? I Lab and I had been on. And, you know, the night before the festival, you sit there going, fuck, is my show any good? Am I fucked? I went on. I had a good set.

I walked off going, okay, I feel pretty good about this stuff. I think, you know, this is some good stuff for my show. I'm feeling pretty good. I walk off. You're there. You've just come in the door. You see me and you go, hey, man, that was great. And I'm like, oh, that felt good.

Lawrence Mooney's complimenting me. Everything's going to be all right. And then you follow it in with, for a fucking open mic-up. Brutal. I think I'm just going to retell that story every single time you're on the podcast. I would have been doing that ironically. Yeah, sure. every single time you're on the podcast.

I would have been doing that ironically. Yeah, sure. But then the other interaction I had with you, Marty, was I was on Dirty Laundry in season two. Okay. And I came in with, they got me to bring in three different things that I could, as wardrobe options to wear on the show. And I had like a blue shirt and the lady was like, that shirt's great, wear that.

Oh, unless, you know, Marty only ever comes in with what he's wearing at the time. So you might have to change because of Marty. And then half an hour later she comes in and goes, no good. Marty's wearing blue as well. You're going to have to change. Wow. I win. I win in the blue fight.

Big dogs. Because sometimes you would come in in like a cable knit crew neck jumper that looked like it had just come straight off the deck of The Most Dangerous Catch Series 2. And they'd say, so, Marty, what are you wearing on the show? And it's like, this, mate. This is it. And just like a dark green cable knit.

It's like, what about a collar? Nah, nah, nah, nah. And here they all are. Oh, Marty, what are you? I think that was the night you told me I'd come as the ghost from The Ghost and Mrs Muir. Gee, who wrote that one, I wonder? Anyone in this room want to put their hand up for that great joke?

That's an old school reference. That's too old for me, unfortunately. But there's always jokes coming from the writer's room, which was very handy to have what they referred to as in your back pocket. Pocket jokes. Pocket gags. Pocket gags. Sometimes you would have one,

and it might strike you as a little bit cornball, a little bit obvious. Not mine. But, jeez. you are so defensive. Don't you reckon if you've got... But then in the right moment, just to say it, boom, it just works a treat. Don't you reckon if you've got one of those in your pocket, your pocket joke, that then that's all you think about? Do you find your mind just wandering to your pocket joke

and then you can't clear your mind to actually move away from it. I would sometimes forget them all together and then the moment would present itself and it would just slide straight in there. Miss me pocket joke. Boom. Because I reckon you, out of everyone I know, I reckon without knowing for sure, I reckon you've got the best memory of anyone I know because I think you're remarkably good whenever you meet someone. Well right well well let's tell we'll tell the

whole story but i'm always i always notice when you meet people when you you use your their name all the time and i'm a coward with names i never use anyone's name because i don't know anyone but you you remember everyone and the times when I forget somebody's name become these amazing kind of like legendary stories of you forgot that person's name because it sticks out like dog's balls. Like Jimmy James Eaton one night, I was introducing him at Spleen.

He was the final act on Jimmy James Eaton. I've known the guy. I've met him a number of times. And I go, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for your final act. His name just fucks off out of my mind. You can't think of it. All I can remember is Jimmy. Yeah. So I just go, please welcome him to the stage.

No, you start to, I could see you start to buy time. And you're going, oh, I'll give myself 10 seconds to figure out what his name is. This guy, this guy's from Perth. He's a legend. He's so great. And then you start doing this, like, going, come on, crowd, start applauding. Come on, come on. Make lots of noise.

If there's enough noise, I can just mumble everything and no one will hear anyway, so it doesn't matter. Go crazy. Everyone go crazy. This guy's a legend. Ah, ah, he's giving up for Jimmy. No, I believe it was. No, I believe it was Jimmy. Yeah.

Jimmy. Oh, it's just stuck. It's like, there he is, Jimmy. So there's 12. So everyone's applauding. There's 12 comics up the back Losing their mind Knowing exactly what's happened And then even

Even Jimmy He's come on stage And opened with Lawrence doesn't know my name When clearly you do Well I did And I forgot it

And so When I don't know somebody's name Or can't call it to mind I'll be very happy to say I'm sorry I've forgotten your name. Which happened this evening. Yes, coming in here.

We're recording. I said, I'm sorry. I can't remember your name. She goes, we've met on a number of occasions. Oh, come on. Just tell me your name, fuckface. We're recording at Marty's workplace, so we did have to go through reception. We were met at reception by the receptionist.

Lawrence has put his cards on the table. I'm sorry. Put the apology out. It was not treated well. I did the dad joke of we've met on a number of occasions. What a funny name. She goes, well, you won't forget that one, will you? So double slash. Ah, bang.

Who was that? Ash. Ash, yeah, yeah, right. You don't know her name. I'm the recipientist at your work. Who was that? No, I thought it was someone else out there. Because they have a rotating roster of receptionists throughout the day.

It's a hot desk situation. I did think someone else was meeting you. Oh, it wasn't Lauren. No, she didn't meet us. No, we said the receptionist. I just can't believe people who pull the We've Met because everyone,

you've been on the other side of that. Of course. You've been on the other side of it. Everyone's forgotten a name. I would never do that to someone. No, I've never done that. I've been on the other side of it. Everyone's forgotten a name. I would never do that to someone. No, no. No, I've never done that. I've never gone. And in fact, if I see the fear, I always go, Lawrence.

Yes, so do I. And they go, yeah, I know, mate. It's cool. It's like, yep. My fear of them not knowing my name is greater than their fear of not remembering my name. Right. I'd rather get their hand straight out and say, Marty Shugart, mate, how you going? Yeah.

And just fucking bang. Yeah, because I don't want to put up with their discomfiture. No. And their weirdness and, you know, their need to, listen, mate, I'm just going to go into the toilet. Yeah. You don't need to piss.

You just can't remember my name. Well, how do you think I felt when I got that text saying, sorry, Tommy Little, I've got to pull out of your podcast? I never attached little to it. I just didn't know my Tommies. There's so many Toms and Tommies

in comedy though. There's heaps. Too many, mate. It's the new Dave. I felt when Lawrence texted me saying, sorry Ash, I don't want to do your podcast because I don't know who the fuck you are. Sorry Carl Williams. Hey, so this is what I was bringing up at the very start of the episode.

Oh, at the very top of the episode. So this man next to us here, we did a podcast on Sunday night. Carl got a fine on the way over for being on his phone. $480. $480. Wow. Four points, $480. And you had it up to your ear?

No, I had it in the old dictaphone position. I had it. The old dictaphone position. Oh, it. The old dictaphone position. Oh, he's doing an act out. Like that. Just talking into the top of it. Just talking into the top of it on speakerphone so I can hear it. One hand on the wheel.

Yeah, one hand on the wheel, straight ahead. Motorcycle cop? No, big A-team van sort of thing. Like the van from the A-team. They were undercover. It was weird. Oh, like one of those, they call them the response vans with a sliding door on the side. Yeah.

Yeah. It was like a three-car operation for Chando on the phone. And they made him pay cash. I don't think this was really the cost. It wasn't cash. It was not cash. 480 is steep, isn't it? It is.

480. It is remarkable. Well, a fine, I suppose, should act as a deterrent. Yeah. Would it? Yeah, but you you know, so does a... You won't change. Hey, I was tempted to do it on the way over and I didn't because I just thought, man...

Yeah, that'll last. I'll give you one more week before you're back. Hey, look, now you... If someone had to say someone who's on their phone too much in the car, everywhere, it is Tommy Dasso. Yeah, I'll cop to it. Yeah. Yeah, I've been fine.

I said this last week. I've been fine before. Didn't change me. Changed me for a week and then I was back. Do you know what I reckon? That's what I'm saying. Same I'll cop to it. Yeah. Yeah, I've been fine. I said this last week. I've been fine before. Didn't change me. Changed me for a week and then I was back. Do you know what I reckon? That's what I'm saying. Same thing will happen to you. More bullshit than holding your phone.

And I see it so much on the road in Ubers because I've lost my license for speeding and all other fucking crimes against road rules. But I see a car just wandering all over the road and the fucking idiot's watching the sat-nav. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not even looking out. the fucking idiot's watching the sat-nav. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not even looking out. They're just looking at the sat-nav.

I do wonder about that. Yeah, that's... And that should not be in a cradle, not only in your peripheral vision, like right in your vision. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck that off. Learn where to go. Open a Melways.

That's the name of a street directory. Or have a look at your phone beforehand, work out the thing, but there should be no cradles in view of the driver. What about when it was a Melways and you'd have it in your lap? Yeah. And you'd have it on the passenger seat. And you'd have it on the wheel. You'd have it on the wheel.

But if it wasn't in the direction that you needed to go, you'd have it upside down so you could be going up the row going, okay, I'm going up the row going, okay. Okay, I'm going up the right row. Was there a rule back then? Because there's obviously a rule about the phone. And that's a fucking huge fool. A massive fool.

Completely obscures your vision. It's ridiculous. Oh, mate, pull over. You've got your finger on one hand kind of like charting your course. It's a nightmare. Yeah, yeah. You couldn't get a phone. Until recently, you know, drink driving laws meant being over the limit for alcohol.

The driver could have a beer driving along. They finished that at the end of 2011. Can't have an open beer in the car. Well, the driver, the passengers can drink as opposed to America where nobody can. You feel like a man that is constantly updating exactly what you can get away with in the car. Well, and the old you're smoking a joint and the cops pull you over.

It's like, fuck it. This is going to be awful. Hang on, is that illegal now as well? Jesus Christ. There's a Dutch oven in there. Where will the cops stop? What else is illegal? Fucking nanny stuff.

Do you realise what you did? I will tomorrow. No idea. I've been unconscious for about 20 k's, mate. You know you don't see any more of the cars with the little TV screen in the centre console? That was like a big thing. Sort of like late 90s and then it feels like people went, hang on a minute, this is fucked. This is so unsafe unsafe What were we thinking

You just see kids now Watching screens Out the back of their You know parents heads In TVs In the headrest Do you remember You know

We went for drives As children For days mate For days And you were just like I'm tired Shut up Yeah

Shut up Shut up Dad trying to Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. Dad trying to work the best angle to belt you between the two seats. God, he could get some power into that arm. Get some real purchase. At a crazy angle. Or the indiscriminate one where he'd hit the kid that wasn't doing anything

and they'd be like, well, that's unfair. I'll see you all in a minute. Yeah, and the children turned out so well. Bring it back, I say. You know, the idea that parents hit children. Yeah. As a parent with two girls, it would never enter my mind. But, jeez, mum and dad used to honk into us.

Off the run-up, mate. We don't finish this podcast until someone starts crying, Marty. Mum's big play was the middle of your back if you didn't have a shirt on with the open hand slap. A bit of midsummer sunburn there. She threw her car keys at my brother once and she had one of those terrariums for plants that grow inside the glass terrarium and she missed him and smashed her own terrarium with her own carcass

and then just unloaded on him. Because she'd smashed the terrarium. Oh, that was one of the great beltings. Did you get belted? Yeah. Did you cop it? Yeah, yeah, I got belted. Fair enough.

You grew up in the country. Must have a flog like a borrowed horse. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I do remember, though, I remember the day that my dad smacked me for the last time. Because, you know that thing where you- This is it. This is the final one, son. No, no, no, no.

Was it after the 200th episode of the podcast? No, no. Boo! That was quite an ep. That was a live ep, yeah. I remember getting to an age where he smacked me and I just remember taking it and then standing up and going, all right, that'll do for you, Dad. That's it now.

That's your last one. All right? Wow. Yeah. And what kind of piss-weak dad is he where he goes, okay, son. No, no. No, he was like, I think he just had a moment where he realised

how old I was and went, yeah, fair call. Yeah, no dads want to take it outside. Oh, I don't know. I reckon I would have been just early teens or something like that

and just went, no, I don't reckon this is going to be legal much longer, dad. I reckon that's it. I used to cop the wooden spoon. Oh, yeah? That was brutal.

From Carl? No. I reckon you wouldn't have got much because you're the only child. No, I got plenty. Yeah, I got plenty. Hang on, what did you get? The wooden spoon full of fucking soup in your mouth? Oh no, I got

the silver spoon. Stick it up my ass. That's different. Spoon and all. But you're the only child. You had cancer when you were a kid. I reckon you were a kid Yeah I reckon you were Stop flirting

I reckon Does everyone use this line on you? Sorry I reckon you were looked after You were Molly Colville I don't reckon you ever got punished in your life I was but I did still get I got many beltings with the wooden spoon

Really? But then one day Not in the cancer years though Well no But then one day I realised When you wanted it most Just to break up the routine Belt the disease out of me please Not in the cancer years, though. Well, no. But then one day I realised... When you wanted it most. Just to break up the routine.

Belt the disease out of me, please. Can't hit him when he's got cancer. He'll bruise up too easily. Ronald McDonald's coming into his house going, what the fuck are you beating the cancer kids for? It's the fucking Hamburglar. This cunt looks like Grimace. It's so bruised.

Cut the bald kid some slack slack I remember one day just going Hang on a minute It's just in the kitchen cupboard I'll just go and get it So I went and like racked I like went and took it And hid it under my bed And then I just started carrying on

And dad's like Fuck and this is it And he goes to the drawer And he's like Where the fuck's the wooden spoon And I'm like Yeah You're done old man Because I think it was like Now it the fuck's the wooden spoon? I'm like, yeah, you're done, old man.

Because I think it was like, now it's just like not cool. I think I was like the generation just before it was like, we can't lay a hand on them. We've got to, if there's an implement involved, like a third party, then that's, you know, then that's okay. And now it's just, now it's just nothing. Now it's just mental abuse, I reckon. It's just deep. This generation are going to be fucked because it's all mental abuse, I reckon. It's just deep. This generation are going to be fucked because it's all mental, psychological shit.

Psychological, yeah. They're already fucked, this generation. I have great faith in this generation. Really? Yeah. Same, really. I think they're very savvy and intelligent. I think they are too.

Far more so than we were. Very mature, very quickly. The great unload in our family, it was a hot day and we'd been tormenting mum and somebody whinged about something and we were sitting down at the kitchen table and there was this mountain of salad rolls that she'd just made and she picked up one and just hurled it at my brother and it hit him right in the kisser and he's got a bit of mayo, tomatoes stuck to his forehead there's lettuce in his hair.

And the other two brothers, me and Steve, just started piercing ourselves laughing and it just drove her mental. And she's just pounding him with salad rice until that plate was empty. And then she just ran off crying. She lost her mind. We were in hysterics.

Just laughing our heads off. She would have been able to hear us. The old man comes into the kitchen, he sees it all, he goes, put them back together. So we're peeling ingredients off the floor, off the wall, making these shitty makeshift salad rolls. Well, that's the woman he loves. That's what you always forget about your parents.

When you disrespect one of them in front of the other one oh yeah that their relationship was the first yeah yeah it's it's a it's it's an awful thing to forget when your mum's run down the other end of the house crying and he's had to come in and make you make the salad it was always my job it's like and then he'd say, go and make sure she's okay. Make it okay, yeah. So little Larry would go in there and go, hey, Mum, we're really sorry. Come back out. And she'd say something deeply mental like, I want to go back to England. We'll take the fucking rolls with you.

Fucking hell, you're crazy. I want to go back to England. You live in Bayswater. I've got no cash. Now come and have a roll. Yeah, go. Well, I wanted to follow up on this because you got the $480 fine and you were saying last week that you were trying to undo the fine

by making a list. This is my idea. And I figured that a lot of people do this, but I was going to be the one person to follow through. I got that $480 fine that I figured, I'm paying the cops this. This is stinging. It's not like I've just lost $500. Paying the state.

Yeah, I'm paying it to them. You know what? I'm going to make sure that I get this back somehow. I'm going to earn this. I'm going to blow up Parliament House. No, I started a list where I went, right, I'm going to now shave. I'm going to stop all unnecessary things and I'm going to keep a little list to make sure I get this $500 back.

Good idea. What's on the list? You've drawn up a budget for the first time in your life. Yes, yes. So what I've done is like- Well done, Scott Morrison. Yeah. Well, I was coming from indoor soccer to Tommy's house.

Now, usually I was... Well, indoor soccer's the first to go. Well, it already happened. Done. It already happened. So I was on the way to his place and I usually get a Coke. So I was like, $4. I'm $4 off.

Bang. There you go. Put it on the list. There's four... Austerity measures. $4.74 to go. I like it. You know, sort of like that.

So I've kept the list. $4.76, idiot. Okay. All right. All right. Sorry for... Let me have that two bucks. Fucking hell.

The shaving. Shaving? You're pretty... I've shaved. You were generally a close shave man because razors cost an absolute fortune. No, I'm pretty lazy with it. So this is actually a rare shave. Okay.

Fuck razors off, mate. You'd make it in a week. Yeah, all right. They're incredibly expensive. I'll take that on board. Can I help but note that you've gotten a haircut since I've seen your last. I know, but that's a need. That's something that was overdue.

So three visits to the rub and tug. And you're back. That is 240. Getting your jokes that got up on Dirty Laundry framed and hung in your house. Back a bit. It's like snakes and ladders, isn't it, this game? So I've done that so far. I'm proud to say I'm up to $48.

What other austerity measures have you put in place? Well, what was there? Well, basically, I didn't eat dinner that night. I went, you know what? Straight up. You know what? I'm only going to go to bed in an hour. Fuck that.

I don't need energy to go to sleep. Well, there's dinner. So there was a hamburger I was going to eat to bed in an hour. Fuck that. I don't need energy to go to sleep. Well, there's dinner. So there was a hamburger I was going to eat or something. Yeah, I saved myself $12.99 today. And I also broke a long- What'd you do wrong? Long-term habit. Now, I went into the news agency because I love Vanity Fair magazine.

Yeah. And I always buy it. Great bag. For the last 22 years. Is that right? Yep, since 1994. What? And today's the first day you didn't buy it?

I went in and went, Jennifer Garner's on the cover. Not one of your favourites? Who the fuck is Jennifer Garner? Seriously. What's your favourite Jennifer Garner movie? Look, I couldn't tell you. Good story. Or TV.

You know what? I'm not going to buy that either. There you go. There's another $12. There's another $12.99 actually. No offence to Jennifer and her family, but who the fuck are the Garners and their daughter for Jennifer? For me, it's always been that, like, who's on the cover of Vanity Fair? In fact, this month, it's Amy Schumer and I want to buy it.

But there's the back catalogue one or the back month that you've missed. It's still there, yeah. Cheaper. But Jennifer Garner. No. Tommy, can you help me with Jennifer? She was married to Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, you've got to know that.

You're on commercial radio. That just puts the stocks down further. Yeah. Mate, she's not a heavy worker. I think she looked after the kids for a chunk of time. Yeah. Okay. So they've put a nice mum on the front of it.

She might be gearing up for the comeback, mate. Didn't you host a show about celebrity? Shouldn't you know who she is? I got sacked last week, Tommy. I got axed. Where was your rider on that one? Yeah. Where's your Jennifer Garner jokes, Carl?

Hey, I'm busy being frugal over here now. Do you know what Jennifer Garner's problem is? She hasn't had a sex tape. She hasn't had a cocaine meltdown. She's just probably been doing her work and they're, you know, movies that I don't go and see, like fucking Inception or

We are inundated with the same sort of 40, 50 people. Once you move outside that and you realise people are having private lives and fantastically successful careers, it's so refreshing. It is nice. I don't reckon I've ever seen a photo of Daniel Day-Lewis. Right, yeah.

He isn't in a movie. Until Kevin Spacey got wanked in Centennial Park, I'd never seen a photo of him. Who wanked him? A bloke. What? You don't remember that photo? No.

He was out here. Look, it's only been alleged. I certainly couldn't confirm it. Can we just stop for a minute? Because I'm going to go for a piss. I'm going to piss my pants. At my age, it all of a sudden comes on very quickly. We're getting really close to wrapping this up.

Can you hold on for... Like I ignore the signs for a time and then my prostate's like, we can't hold this back, buddy. You are going to piss your pants. and we'll talk shit about you

while you're gone. Yeah, you go and they'll wrap me up down and left, mate. Then left again through a door and then on your... When they're blokes

in their 50s, they... Blokes in their 50s, you stand beside them at the toilet and they go... Like they're coming. That's what it's like. Take your first left and then left again. All right, Marty, now that he's gone, what's the worst thing you know about Lawrence?

Give us the dirt. Dish the dirt out. I couldn't tell you the worst thing I know. There's too many things. He's already forthcoming on this podcast, so we really need some dirt on him. No one knows any bad stories about Lawrence.

Can we just get one? Yeah, it is refreshing though, isn't it, when celebrities have a private life. Yeah. It really is.

I like it. I love it. Lawrence is not scared. He's a not scared individual. You're in the same position as him where I can feel that he did Dirty Laundry Live,

you're on the radio. I feel like you guys have both been made against your will to get into celebritydom and gossip columns and stuff like that. Both of you seem like that would be the last thing on your list. I say no to a lot of stuff. Yeah. For the right reasons. Right. Because I don't want, I've never courted that kind of career for myself.

Yeah. I've only ever wanted to do the bare minimum anyway. That's my personality. If you get a caller that you don't like, you just kind of fade them out, right? Yeah, that's right. That's what we're sort of doing with this on Twitter. We have a lot of ratbag fans who like to harass us. Just get rid of them.

Yeah, we do it. Some guy, what was it? Some guy said on Twitter the other day, like had a little crack at me, was like, oh, listening to Dum Dum makes me feel better about myself. Anytime I make a dumb decision, I think, oh, well, at least I don't look as bad as at Dassolo. Oh, fuck. See, that's the sort of shit I don't have to put up with.

But these are the people that are our fans. But then I go onto his page and he had like a neck tattoo that was like a tribute to his dead friend. Oh, God. And so I say to Carl, I send him the tweet and I go onto his page and he had like a neck tattoo that was like a tribute to his dead friend. Oh, God. And so I say to Carl, I send him the tweet and I go, should I fucking go this guy? And you go, yeah, do it. Fucking go him.

And so I write back and go, was one of your bad decisions getting that fucking shit neck tattoo? And I send that to you, Carl, and you go, fucking hell. Wow, even Chandler thinks it's too much. I know, because I'm the first one to go, go kill yourself and then kill yourself again. Yeah, yeah. But to be fair, I'd send it thinking...

But not his RIP made on his neck. I sent it thinking, man, he's going to... Here we go, I'm going to be in it, because it'll be that classic bit, man. It'll go forever. Someone has a bit of a crack and then you have a crack back and they're sad. Yeah.

He was cool with it He was like Yeah good one man Yeah You're fucked and balding I'm like okay cool This has been a fun interaction Yeah

Moon's back You're fucked and balding Did you find it alright Yeah it just came out Like a fire hose Yeah And as I came back I walked past

Marty Sheargold's office Here at Nova FM And you can go in there To see the Prince's die plate Yeah Is it still there Commemorative plate 1981 The people's princess Which certainly was I have to say FM and you can go in there to see the princess die plate yeah is it still there commemorative plate 1981

the people's princess which it certainly was I have to say that we are in a radio station using our own equipment we're not using any of the radio equipment yeah this is weird

yeah yeah and it's very weird there's all these recording studios and we're sitting in on a table with our own shitty mic I just like that you've got

your own mics yeah I think it's great it's pretty good yeah we're grown ups it's pretty handy that's for sure we're big boys now. What's one of these cost?

Oh, man, we bought them. That's not... For a Shure. What's a Shure cost? 100 bucks? 80? 80, 100? I think these were like 80 each.

Oh, they're giving them away. They're giving them away. What about a Sennheiser? And pan mic? Do top-end comics take their own mic? No. No, you just turn up? No, no. You just-end comics take their own mic? No. No, you just turn up? No, no.

You just turn up. It's not cold sandals. You wouldn't get into the sound guy and go, mate, just plug that one in for me. What was going on in the early 2000s when you dropped out? Do you know who does do that? I saw Will Anderson once do a show. With a golden microphone.

No, but it looked like at least he had his own stand. It was like a stand that he was working a thing on that let him put it up and down quickly. Oh, yeah, the hand-release stand. Yeah, and I thought, I wonder if that's his. I may have told this before. I don't think anyone would survive that reputation. And they turned up with their own mic stand.

Old mate's brought his mic. Yeah, yeah. But I do like, you know, the round base as opposed to the legs. The legs just are shit. Make that your thing when you come back, Marty. Pick your own carpet that you're going to lay down on the stage. You am I, star. Just have a front man rug.

Put that down for me, Phil. Oh, is that a thing? Oh, well, lots of bands have their own rugs. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring your own rugs as a band. They'll lay their own rugs out. I like it.

You know, we think that comics are weird. Fucking, we got nothing on musos. Yeah. As if I'm going to ever stand in a lift after a great gig and hang shit on a guy's coat. Good coat for a fucking open mic. Seriously, they're odd. What's on the list?

What have you got that's shipped off? It's literally on my coffee table at home, but it's like... Is it just you haven't had dinner off 48 bucks? Almost shipped off. Oh, man, I don't have, it's literally on my coffee table at home but it's like. Is it just you haven't had dinner since? No.

Just imagine if you were single and you just stopped buying condoms and every time you just rolled the dice with some unsafe sex you go, yeah, that's another

dollar off. With the potential of just getting a horrible lethal disease or lifelong venereal disease. It's like, yeah, fuck you, pigs.

Ooh, yeah. And so, have you had sex with Carl Chandler lately? Yeah. Every time he blows, he just screams out, fuck you, pigs. It's really misogynist. My girlfriend did ring me from a homeware store last night and went, oh, I saw these four beer glasses that you'd really like. Would you like me to get them for you?

and I went yes hang on no yes $15 there you go wow she's doing everything she can to avoid being in the house with you just going around

home wear stores late at night so I'm doing my best I'm going to get to $480 I'm going to make this back another way to deal with it and I do this with parking fines when I was able to drive was I take that dollar amount and I just immediately think well what's the state going to deal with it and i do this with parking fines when i was able to drive was i take that dollar amount and i just immediately think well what's the state going to do with it

that i would like the state to do with it you know new piece of playground equipment or a tree or you know you know meals on wheels for old people so you just can convert that dollar amount into something and it's a nice kind of like positive visualization and you let it go a lot quicker. So that $480. Yeah. So you want that to go to? Oh. You know, like a-

Bring back dirty laundry so you can have more great- Yeah, to the ABC. The ABC. Definitely. It's state-based revenue though, the cops. Frank to buy a new oven for his Frank's Pie. I don't know if that- Get the state involved in that.

I don't know if that works. But what did stick with me when I got the fine was I got pulled over by one guy. And it was his three-car operation. And then when they finally came up to me for the last time, it was a different cop that came up to me. And I'm driving in my car, which is, you know, an older sort of car. And he comes up and gives me the fine and goes, look, mate, you can't afford too many more of these.

He spotted you, mate. He spotted you. Maybe he wasn't talking about your car. Maybe he'd seen your stand-up. Well, he hadn't seen the Dirty Laundry opening monologue, that's for sure. Boom. Hey, we should wrap this up. That brings us to the end of a little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Lawrence Mooney, Marty Sheigal, thank you so much for joining us. Tommy Carr. Marty, lovely to have you on the Dum Dum. Lovely to see you guys. It's just like your normal radio show without any of the payment. It's not far removed and we never had to play Justin Bieber, so tick that box. You guys have got a parting kind of like tableau that you do

and it's nice to be involved in that. Do you want to explain to Marty what happens? When this is all done, at the end, we'll all say, see you, mate. It's like that. It feels really good when everyone does it. It's a really good ep, I feel, when everyone joins in. So we can try that.

That's coming up after this. Lawrence, what have you got to plug? You're doing return runs of your show, Moon Man? I am, and they are available. Tickets are available through alist.com.au. I'm doing all the capitals and major regionals, so have a look. And also the comedy pilot, Moon Man. If this is post-June 1st, check it out on iview on abc.net.au.

That's today when this goes up. Right, on June 1st. Yeah. Well, watch it tonight on the telly. So the ratings pump up, then go to iView and vote for it because one of those six pilots... And if that's actually happening, is it one of those six pilots is going to series?

Well, the ABC's an arbitrary beast, Marty, so maybe none of them, maybe one, maybe all of them. I didn't appreciate that that was the pilot you'd made recently. Yeah. Yeah, right. I thought it was something that they'd dusted off from some time back. Yeah, made it at the end of last year. And so have they all made them?

Was Eddie Perfect's made reasonably recently? Yeah, they were all made recently, yeah. Right. Because the way it's been funded is through the ABC and Film Victoria, and Film Victoria insists. And my fine. And your fine. We'd go to Film Victoria, that's $480 to, you know,

pay a soundo for an hour mine went to props yeah so Film Victoria insists on

contemporary material that is being made even down to if they fund an episode they need to know that the episode hasn't already

been written so you say to Film Victoria it hasn't already been written then you go to a drawer where it's been for 10 years and you pull it out and you just

go, oh, look what I found. Look how quickly we did this. It's never been read. Yeah. Update the references. You use the money to buy some pot and a couple of pizzas. He's mugging around. G'day Film Vic.

We love you. Marty, people can hear Kate, Tim and Marty Yes Across the Nova Network Correct And keep us posted On this grand return To stand up

You'll be the first to know Excellent Breaking news on the podcast Yeah What are you guys plugging? Some merch? Oh we've got heaps of stuff We've got the 300th episode

Coming up June the 25th Jeez We've got Canva I'm going to be bummed That I'm not going to be there But I will be I'll be in Roma.

Yeah. Roma. See? What a shame. 300 episodes is an achievement. Yeah. Is it? I don't know.

I reckon it is. I think it is. But you know what? It's a commitment, and plus I've listened to a lot. It's a commitment instead of an achievement, I think. I think that's the right word. I think that it's semantics to say that it's not an achievement, but it's a commitment.

Hey, and we're selling a fuckload of tickets to it so far. So that's an achievement. Should we say we've officially... Your live shows are very popular. Where's it on? We have a... Let's say we've officially moved. By this point, we will have. Yeah.

The Croxton Park Hotel. Oh, rock at the crock. Yeah, we were going to be on at the European Beer Cafe. But you boned that. Too small. We did a week. Too small. Good news. Now we to be on at the European Beer Cafe. But you boned that. Too small. We did a week. Too small. Good news.

Now we're in a big-ass band room, the Croxton Park newly redone band room. It's in Thornbury. At Thornbury. It is. It's opposite of BWS, Beer, Wine, Spirits. It's got it all going on. It's actually opposite a big fast food park, a big trailer park. Oh, right.

Yeah. Great. So it's actually really good for food there. It's good for drinks there. It's going to be sick. It's going to be a big old park. Oh, right. Yeah. Great. So it's actually really good for food there. It's good for drinks there. It's going to be sick. It's going to be a big old park. It's going to be huge. We've sold a billion tickets.

Well done. July the 10th in Sydney, doing our big live three-hour show, and then July 30th in Canberra, we're driving up. July 10th in Sydney. Yes, in Sydney. I'd get back from Italy on July 10th. Oh, where do you fly into? Maybe I should fly into Sydney. I'd get back from Italy on July 10th. Oh, where do you fly into? Maybe I should fly into Sydney.

Maybe you should. Just come in just like nut brown straight off the Amalfi Coast. Buongiorno, cover style. There's a fucking ravioli with you. Buongiorno, mates. Like Pavarotti just coming in off a long run. That would be awesome. All right, so that's confirmed.

Booked in. Great. And then July 30th in Canberra. We're driving up and back to do a show on the Saturday night there. We've also got the T-shirts, the hoodies, all that sort of stuff. All of that is available. All that information at littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. I thought it was just see you. Should we try it again? Let's try it again. Three, two, one. See you, mates. Felt good, right? Yeah.

That's like when doves cry.