The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 296 - Lachy Hulme & Ed Kavalee

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

A Pile Of Leaves, Four Hundred Injections and New Old Stock.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Sam Simmons and his show, Not A People Person. Sam is doing his show, Carl, in Melbourne on June 17 and 18. Great. And then he's heading over to Perth on June the 25th. Awesome. Doing it over there. Oh, he's done it again. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

We did a little bit of a Facebook giveaway of tickets during the week as well, so that's a good thing if you want to get onto our Facebook and Twitter and Instagram sort of stuff. Yeah, you had your big chance to win freebie free tickets. So thanks to everyone who entered that competition and we've sent out the prizes already. Send in the stamped self-addressed envelope to Crow's Nest. Yes. Locked bag, Crow's Nest. Yeah, so go check that out.

We cannot return your videotapes if you've sent them in as an entry because you've really got that wrong. Videotape yourself doing your best Sam Simmons impression and send it to us and the best one will win a ticket. Yeah, so that's all happening. Go check that out. He won the Barry Award for Best Show in Melbourne last year and then the Best Show Award in Edinburgh.

So the man is in form. Go check him out if you're in either of those places. Tickets are available now through Ticketek. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of selling tickets. Yes. We've just put something on sale this very week since this last episode came out.

We sold out our Sydney show super quickly in very, very quick time. So we've done it again. Well, what we've done is we had a show on the Sunday, didn't we? We still do. Yeah. No, I've got the money. Let's go. We haven't cancelled it.

Yeah. So it's a dum-dum-a-palooza, which means a three-hour show on the Sunday. What's the date? Sunday? Sunday, July 10. July 10. So we've put on an extra show, but it's just the podcast. On Thursday, July the 7th.

At the same location. Yes. Chippendale Hotel. So many of you bought tickets so quickly to that other one, we thought it would be stupid because the gig is still quite a while away to not meet demand. Yeah. So we've sold plenty of tickets already. If you were on Facebook or Twitter, you would have found that out very quickly and already

nabbed a ticket. So here's the official podcast announcement. Man, it's going to be quite a week up there. We're going to go up and do a bunch of podcasts and have a bunch of fun. So please come and hang out. The venue is great apparently. I haven't been there yet but I hear good things.

I've read all the stuff about the cheeseburgers and burgers and stuff there. Cheeseburgers look pretty great. Yeah. So yeah, go check that out. Don't miss out because we only narrowly managed to get this second show in there at the same venue. Well, we were narrowly managed to get this second show in there at the same venue.

Well, we were narrowly, like you said, very narrowly because we were actually thinking about doing that three-hour show on the Sunday and then putting another show on top of that. So we would have done four hours. It would have been no good. I'm glad we didn't have to do it that way. It would have been an incorrect move because I would have been, yeah, imagine what we're going to be like.

I would have not had time to eat dinner. I would have been drinking quite a bit. It would have been not a good thing. It would have been unbroadcastable. Those two things are still going to happen. You're still going to not eat and still drink too much. Yes. But just for one hour less.

Yes. Also, in Melbourne, June the 25th, the big 300th episode of The Little Dum Dum Club is fast approaching. Tickets are still selling at a rapid rate. If you've missed the announcement in last week's episode, we've moved venues to the Croxton Park Hotel. Oh, it's been popular on social media. People are loving it.

People are loving not having to go to the sea. What's the nicest thing people have said about it to you? Some people have been won over. Look, we were in the CBD. We've moved out a couple of suburbs. It is very achievable by a tram or train. Some of you fucking idiots have taken those transport

forms before, so get on it. On Tuesday night you messaged me to say, okay, that's it. I've put up the official announcement on Facebook that we're doing it. Fifteen minutes later you've written back and gone, geez, our fans are good. Yeah. So there's some complaints. Hey, you know what?

We won't do this all the time. It's a massive show. We sold it so quickly that we want to move to a massive venue. This is going to be the biggest party we've ever done. It's going to be so big. Also, we've got Canberra, July 30th. That is selling really well. That's going crazy.

Like for something that we've held out on for a long time and we weren't sure if they were in demand. Should we say this? I think we're way out from it. I think we've sold more than Adelaide already. Then we would have this far out going over to Adelaide, yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.

I think from nearly final results, it's definitely going to be Adelaide long term. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Sure. So, you know, just a heads up. If we ever do, I mean, we've announced our retirement from Adelaide long term. Yeah, yeah. Okay, sure, sure. So, you know, just a heads up. If we ever do, I mean, we've announced our retirement from Adelaide.

Yeah. But we went back on that almost immediately. Oh, did we? Yeah, yeah. Did we go? Like the one we did at the end of last year, that was the farewell. Oh, was it? And then the fringe one was our triumphant return.

Oh, was it? I forgot. But they still fucked us. Yeah. Like we complained about it with the first one at the end of last year. Yeah. And then they still did the same goddamn thing to us in February of this year. Okay, then I've retired us again.

You've retired us again. That last gig we did, that was the retirement gig. I think there's a lot of the socials are lighting up. And yeah, we will get to Perth as well. Yeah, a lot of people from Adelaide complaining going, I want to go again, but I'm not going to buy my ticket until one minute in uh perth as well you're you're handing us we're going to work on it that'll be coming in the back half of the year yeah but we're just yeah trying to get these up and running for now but exciting exciting that we you know we're going to a new place canberra exciting we did

ballarat you know this is awesome new frontiers yeah yeah so and melbourne so exciting once again melbourne so excited we're doing this big gig. But this is the biggest show we've ever done by far. Yeah. By far already. And it's going to be, I think we said this last week, it's going to be a big long show where we're going to do a bit of stand-up at the start of it. Some of our guests are going to do stand-up as well.

Then there'll be a little break. Then we'll do the podcast. And then we'll all be hanging around afterwards. So, it's going to be a big full night. Yeah. It's going to be a celebration of new media. Yeah. It's going to be a party. It's going to be, it's literally, it's going to be a big full night. It's going to be a celebration of new media. Yeah, it's going to be a party. It's going to be – it's literally – it's on course to being twice as big

as anything we've ever seen, we've ever done. Let's set fire to a piece of old media during it just to really drive home. Let's kill ourselves several times throughout the night. Let's burn a newspaper. Let's smash our heads through a TV and let's stick a portable radio up our asses. All right. We've got to give them something. We've got nothing else lined up.

So, yeah, go. Also, the Patreon. Thank you to people who continue to subscribe to that and new people who are jumping on board. You get bonus episodes. You get a newsletter if you subscribe enough each month. We've also got the hoodies, the I'm Aware of the Little Dumb Dumb Club hoodies that are racing out there.

People are loving them. In the winter, it's a very lovely choice. Get the I'm Aware of the Little Dum Dum Club hoodie. The T-shirts are still there, still selling fine. We've got like a handful of the Got Tim, 1-800-GOT-TIM T-shirt. So there's literally a handful left if you want to do that. Hey, what do you guys think?

For this 300, because we're going to have so many of you in the room and your thirst for new merch, we're looking at maybe... Key party. What? Key party. A key party? I don't think that's merch. Let's put our car keys in the bowl. Okay, alright. Let's fuck.

If you're going to come... Yes, good. You're going to be DTF if you come to our 300th episode. You'll be checked at the door for ID and your DTF. After we were talking about it on the podcast the other day, someone suggested turning the 300th into a big foam party, which I do like for a seated event. So the audience is in seats submerged in a layer of foam,

basically up to their noses. So it's kind of really uncomfortable and people can't quite breathe. Great. You know when you're sitting on a wooden chair in the bath. Well, we're going to replicate that. And because the stage is raised so high. So we're above it. Yeah.

We're not affected at all. We're just looking out over this swamp. Yeah. I think we should look into the logistics of this. Just so our show doesn't change in any way, but just the comfort of the listeners. Man. Yeah, that's great.

That's great of you. Yeah, you were saying new merch. Yeah, new merch. What do you think? We're tossing up We've got a few designs In mind We're just working on Maybe a new t-shirt

You guys seem to love T-shirts We're thinking about Maybe getting a little cap What do you guys think of that Let us know if you want to If that's what you're Holding out on

If you're thinking No I don't want a hoodie I don't want a t-shirt I want to put your guys Name on my head So Yeah I looked into the possibility Of getting Rad Dad bum bags made up.

Yeah. But too niche, I reckon. Yeah, I reckon we can have about two sales for that. Yeah. Oh, it would make me so happy, though. It's such a good idea. It's a nice idea. All right, guys.

All that stuff. Tickets, hoodies, Patreon, all the links to everything Little Dumb Dumb Club related. LittleDumbDumbClub. littledumbdumbclub.com. Hey, while you're there, why not do this? A lot of people talk to us and go, oh, if only we could listen to your old episodes. They're there. Go to our site.

Like, people are looking for our old episodes on iTunes and not all the oldest old ones come up there. Yeah. But they do on our website. Yeah. So go to littledumbdumbclub.com. Check out our old, old episodes. We've got heaps of like old school ones with big names.

You know, we've got a bunch of Sean McAuliffe ones. We had a great Mark Maron one back ages ago. We had Paul F. Tompkins a couple of times. Stuff like that. So go back into the archives. Go check it all out. All right, guys. And enjoy this episode with Lockie Hume and Ed Cavalli.

Oh, this is a really good one. Get into it. Yeah. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. Bit of a first for the podcast today, I've got to tell you. We've got two guests in today. I got a little bit nervous before they turned up, so I've had a bit of a clean-up in the old living room. Have you? Yeah, I have, actually. There were dozens upon dozens of leaves just on the floor.

Really? Yeah, if you think this is bad. Are you a squatter? It was worse before I bought out the old vacuum. There's only leaves in a house if you don't belong to the house. I know, and I couldn't have our guests thinking that of me. Did you sleep with the front door open overnight? Yes. Because that's how that happens.

Yes. Well, I did something even worse. I did something that sounds as bad. Even worse than vacuuming a living room? I was a bit peckish on the way here. I did it first. I bought a Toaster Cheese sandwich at McDonald's. Oh. I'm going to put it out there

As a Not as an ad As an anti-ad No one ever do that It's as bad as an idea As it sounds out loud In actuality How can you get it so wrong?

What have they done? Oh Well They've taken 80 80 years to Bloody get a burger right They're still sort of Struggling a little bit

Yeah Yeah they need another 80 On the toasted sandwich Oh really? Yeah they fucked it They fucked it Well we've got a guest on the show today. It's his first time in here.

And I feel like this little back and forth here has given him a perfect insight into what the podcast is. And plenty of chance to leave. To make like what was on your floor and leave. Yeah. We're disgusting and we eat shit food. Yeah. Well, first of all, joining us, you know him from

Have You Been Paying Attention? And from Breakfast on Triple M. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Ed Cavall, joining us, you know him from Have You Been Paying Attention and from Breakfast on Triple M. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Ed Cavalli. Hello, gentlemen. Nice to be here. I've actually been here for a number of hours. I was hiding under a pile of leaves. I thought I'd spring forth for the podcast.

Lovely to be here. And I should say the place does look very, very tidy. I did notice that on my way in. And I just went into your bathroom. Yeah. And I love that the toilet is behind a curtain because it made it feel like a performance. It's a terrible bathroom out there. Anyway.

It's no good. You've got like one of those old Sydney share house bathrooms where it's like, oh, this Captain Cook took a piss in here once. Yeah. It's so old. Well, let's introduce this guy because you want to hear him. Yeah. For the first time on the show, you know him from Offspring.

Very glad he's here. Please welcome him into the little Dum Dum Club, Lockie Hume, everyone. Hello. I'm impressed too. You've put your vinyl out to obviously make sure that Ed and I think that you're culturally sophisticated, which is good. And on behalf of the McDonald's Corporation,

who I've just signed as the new spokesperson. Oh, have you? New toasted cheese their new spokesperson. Oh, shit. New toasted cheese sandwich is coming your way very soon. Beautiful. Now with more toast. Lachlan Hume, obviously. Kerry Packer, many wonderful things as well you've done in your career. Have you done many ads?

I've never done a TV commercial. I knew you were going to say that. Never, ever. How many have you been asked to do? Who have you knocked back? Lots and lots And in fact When I was at my lowest financial point ever

Which this is harking back to a conversation You and I were having under the sod pile earlier Yeah say back in a time Where you were living in a house like this Yeah And boy this really takes me back Oh that fucking shit bathroom That really took me back. Oh, that fucking shit bathroom. That really took me back, guys.

In fact, I think this was the house that I was living in at the time. I got offered a Telstra commercial. Oh, yeah. And it was good money back then. It was like 40 grand. Ads used to pay extremely well. Yeah. So it was a 40K.

But I still said no. Really? And I was broke. And I just said no, I'm not doing that. Just so you could still be cool. Well, just so I have a philosophy. I don't go to bed with no whore. That way I don't wake up with no whore.

That's how I live with myself. Is that a philosophy that's in any way connected to the advertising thing, though? Directly connected. But now because I'm the voice, I do all the voices for Fox Sports and Fox Footy. Yeah. And so I do what's known as billboards. So I do do ads. So you do that for free?

Because this program brought to you by morons. Is that just charity to Fox Corps, is it? No, no, no. It's a good job. It's my first real job. I get a lanyard to work and everything. I go do three hours a week of all the voices. That's nice.

What did they want you to do in this Telstra ad? Do you remember? Yeah, it was, you guys will remember this ad. It was the Blues Brothers versus the Men in Black versus some movie thing. And so my agent said, no, because it's real characters. You did a lot of drugs back then, Lucky. I'm sorry, that wasn't a thing.

Who did they want you to be? They wanted me to be one of the Blues Brothers who then becomes the Tommy Lee Jones character from Men in Black. So it had a story. He had a story. It had a plot. It was movies and characters and things like that. Right, okay.

But no. I like your assumption that that ad was enough of a cultural touchstone that we'll all definitely remember. Yeah. Well, I remember. I remember. You guys probably weren't even born when it happened. It's not exactly, you know, Mr Sheen or whatever it is.

No, well, in Ed's career, you know, the carpet court jester or the GE money genie and all that. I've been accused of being both of those. That wasn't me. Obviously, I've done a number of fast food commercials. Well, you essayed the role of Gus in the KFC. Thank you. In the KFC Works Burger commercial.

So I did a KFC commercial. The first job I ever, ever, ever, ever, ever did was a Domino's pizza commercial for Japan. Oh, what? Yeah, you told me about this. Explain to the viewers. You can't find it. You cannot find it.

It sounds like a challenge. It's not YouTubeable. Is this one of these things where Brad Pitt goes over there and does a roll for an ad for toilet paper or something and thinks, oh, no one will ever see this? It's exactly like that, except I was an absolute fucking nobody who was desperate for the 600 bucks. I was an absolute fucking nobody who was desperate for the 600 bucks. And I'll not only sleep with one of those whores,

I'll take them to Christmas lunch for the $600 at that point. Kissing on the mouth, everything. Well, I'm glad you bring it up. So kissing on the mouth, that was the joke. The joke was that it was a Friends. It was when Friends was just finishing and the idea was that this was Friends.

And which friend were you? I was Chandler. Oh, nice. And so they had Joey and they had two girls playing. Two girls had one cup and then they were playing the main two girls. And here's the gag of the ad. The gag was that they're all sitting around and I was sitting on the couch with the two girls and Joey walks in

with the pizzas, puts them down and then I look at the pizza, it's so delicious, I get excited and I turn to kiss one of the girls but then I'm,

nah, and then I turn around and kiss Joey. Yeah? You've got to remember that there's no, there's no way of knowing that this was Friends

because they certainly couldn't play the theme music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just, it guy getting horny and passionate guy. Over pizza. Domino's pizza. Don't you guys do that when food looks especially delicious? Yeah, I do.

Oh, that parma looks good. I don't care who I'm sitting next to in the restaurant. They're getting a mouthful of tongue before you get a mouthful of pizza. They get a tongue lashing. I'll tell you what, no one got anything when I had that

toasted cheese sandwich before. No, no one got anything? No. The guy behind the counter didn't get a daturata?

Nothing? So they, yeah, and so we did it a hundred times. It was all day lock, but finally, because they kept like there was a

translator, all right, and so what would happen was we'd do the take or whatever. To translate the kiss? No, to translate the wishes of the Japanese. Oh, translator. And so what would happen was we'd do the take or whatever. To translate the kiss? No, to translate the wishes of the Japanese. Oh, right. So you're really in a lost in translation situation.

Exactly. To translate your Chandler line of, could I be any more horny? Yeah, exactly. And so eventually it was taking forever and there was a sort of slumped shoulders moment where finally... And the director came over and said, man, they think it's,

they just want you to like basically attack him until we say stop. And I said, all right. And I said to the UK, he's like, man, I just want to get out of here. Go for it. The pizza to think down. And I jumped on top of him, kissing him on the mouth, trying to get my hand up his jumper, the whole bit. And we sort of finished.

And the Japanese crew were beside themselves. They thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen, so much so that they all came over and shook my hand. Whoa! Sick bastards. So that went to where? In Japan. Are you sure this was an ad?

Were there even cameras there? Wow. It's starting to sound like an Ash. Yeah. Are you sure this was an ad? Were there even cameras there? Wow. Starting to sound like an Ash Williams story. Yes, you're right. Yeah, I kept asking, does my ass need to be full of lube? And they all just kept nodding. Sorry.

Oh, wow. But I'm boring. Fuck this. You've got Lockie Hume in the room. What you want to do is pump this man. Yeah, but he's turning down ads. You're actually doing them. No, that's true. But the other thing, you were talking about marlon brando before one of your

favorite topics and uh you you said said to me once that one of the things you like when you take on a character or something you like to do a physical transformation you like that that type that type of thing it's playing dress-ups i call it yeah and you were quite famous for your kerry packer one yeah can we talk now about the lengths that you went to? Because remember I saw you at a cafe and I took a photo of you and you said delete that because you're not even allowed to show people your halfway point. Can you talk about things like that? So this is when you played Kerry Packer in the How's That?

Telemovies on Channel 9. This is what's great about having Ed on the show, by the way. He just makes up for our incompetence and asks the guest actual questions. No, it's great. I welcome it. No, no, no. It's a show within a show. It's Ed's call. Just because I've known Locke a long time

and I know he's got a million good stories because otherwise I'll just fucking bang on. Yes, Locke. Well, with Packer, he's, a lot of people

don't know this, there was a Kerry Packer before that with Rob Carlton. Yeah, yeah. That was offered to me and I was doing a movie with Ed. Yes.

Any questions for Ben at the time? And we share the same agent, Lisa Mann, and Lisa rang me. We'd done our first read-through at the Hikana Hotel. Okay. And I went out to go have a ciggy and a coffee, and Rob Sitch came out, and the phone rang. It was Lisa, and she said, look, they want you to play Kerry Packer

in this thing. And I said, well, when? And they said, look, we've got the dates, and we can make it work at the same time that you're doing Any Questions for Ben. And I said, do you know what Kerry Packer fucking looks like? Because do you have any idea what's involved to look like that guy? And I was in reasonably good shape at the time and I was playing this character of Sam who's quite a sort of glamorous rich dude.

And I said, forget it. I can't do it. You have to gain weight. There's prosthetics involved in this character. I mean, it's a whole big palaver to do right all of this years before i was living in la and a buddy of mine matt george who's a director now he's a big producer in hollywood matt gave me this book who killed channel nine and he said oh you gotta fucking read this you should play packer one day and i really do you

take that as a compliment or yeah no it's a great comment you read the book and you go my god he's such a fascinating guy. And I always draw what the character's going to look like. And so I drew Kerry Packer. And I made notes on what changes I would have to do to look like him. And I kept it. So when they rang about the first time about playing Packer, I had that ready to go, but I couldn't do the role.

Cut to a year later, and I get home, and John Edwards, the same producer, rang, and he said, okay, we're going to do another Kiripaka. This time, I know you're available to do it because I've checked your schedule well in advance. And I said, okay. And I got the thing out of the filing cabinet from years ago in LA, and I said,

I need this, this, this, this, this, and this. And one of the things I needed was plastic surgery to do it. Now, this has never come out before. We don't even talk about this on the DVD commentary. Wow. So obviously I had to shave the head. I had to bulk up, and I bulked up by eating what Kerry ate, which is fuck it, a lot of McDonald's.

Who's that for tying it all in to the opening of the show, ladies and gentlemen? Hey, maybe you can play Carrie Packer next time around So a lot of quarter pounders With cheese A lot of Fanta Or freshly squeezed orange juice Is what Carrie used to call it That's all he drank

Because he didn't drink alcohol He was an actual fan of Fanta He was a Fanta fanatic Wow Yeah he used to travel with it He had cases of it Really To travel with

Great He's a madman I don't give a fuck What you say from now on That is the piece That I'm taking out of this podcast. More than the plastic surgery bits. But one of the things that Kerry physically had was really big, like, trout pout lips.

He's not an attractive chap. He's a fascinating man, but he's fucking ugly. And so I said, look, I'm going to have the lips done. And you can't glue them on. You've got to go get it done. But I said, conversely I'm going to have the lips done. And you can't glue them on. You've got to go get it done. But I said, conversely, I want whatever they put in, I want to be able to have it taken out within 48 hours of shooting. So now the women who get these trap out things,

they don't want them taken out. There's only one guy in the country who knows how to remove the shit. Temporarily. It's called Restylane. Yeah, Restylane. And you can only remove it by, it takes like 400 injections in your lips. So I go along to get it done. And this guy is the only guy who injects the stuff that gets it out at the end.

But anyway, when I was having the lips done, and I hate fucking needles, but I was so psyched. How do you feel about 400 needles? Oh, yeah, exactly. In your face. Right? But I'm psyched. I'm going, when I walk out of here, I'm going to look like Kerry. Because I had the head shaved that morning, so I was bald on top.

That does sound awesome. Putting on the weight and the whole bit, and I'm going to look like Kerry. And he literally had every known photo of Kerry Packer around the surgery. It's the first time someone's gone into plastic surgery and said, give me the Kerry Packer. Give me the Kerry Packer. Sorry, Packer. Imagine someone walking into Packer. Sorry, Kerry Packer. Imagine someone walking into that room not knowing that a movie was in production.

Just photos of him. What the fuck do they do here? This is weird. Someone comes in and goes, I want to look rich. Okay, I've got the look for you. Come into this room. We've prepared it earlier for you. Yeah, so you get in the needles.

Got all that done. And that was the... A lot of wardrobe trickery in it too because Kerry had a very thick neck. Tight shirts around the neck? No, no. The shirts were actually designed by a guy called Michael Chisholm. They're all tailor-made. So if you go and look at it,

you'll see that the shirt line comes right up underneath the jaw and it was actually done with very thick material. So you get the overhang. Yeah, so it looks like that. Oh, right, right. And it also makes it look like my neck is a lot thicker than it really is. So there's a lot of trickery done for it. I like that all these people,

there's a lot of people employed on this film who have these very specific skill sets that you have to imagine are never being called up on. Like this guy who can put this stuff in and then get it out, which no one wants. This is what any professional crew member, any tech, they wait for these moments. Yeah.

Where somebody says, we've got really specific plans now. And it lifts people because michael chisholm is one of the best costume designers in australia i've been working with michael for 20 years finally we're getting to we're not just buying a suit off the rack yeah now we're designing the whole costume to fool the audience and it's all sleight of hand it's all trickery and so anyway cut a long story short now we we wrap up the fucking show. We haven't. You guys are fucking interrupting me, you fucking assholes.

No, I'm loving it. Now I had to get the fucking shit out of my mouth, right? Out of my lips. And yeah, it's a synthetic version of literal elbow grease. Right? And they have to inject it and inject it and inject it and it dissolves the Restylane through. What is elbow grease to start with? What am I, a doctor?

Sorry, you've only had it injected into your face. How did you know about it? I thought not to ask that question. How long did it take to go back to normal? It went back pretty much, it took about a week before it all dissolved. And did it feel, how did it feel when you were trying to? It was so painful. Really?

This is what I'm saying to you. When I was getting the shit put in to look like Packer, it didn't bother me because I was like, fuck, I'm really, I'm doing Robert Downey Jr. and Tropic Thunder. I'm getting a black ectomy. I would have gone with Raging Bull, but anyway, you know, whatever. Which is why we kept it so quiet because I didn't want anybody to say I'd done a black ectomy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why we kept it so quiet. That's great. The guy doing it just gets carried away and actually blacks you out. Sorry, I got carried away. But getting it out was because I was only doing it for me. And so I kept – what was I thinking? I'm going to look really good after this.

I'm still fat. I'm still bald. I'm just going to look like a fat bald guy. I'm not going to look like Terry Bacca. You know what I mean? And so I was gripping the side of that, like I'm lying down on the fucking gurney. I nearly snapped it off.

The pain was excruciating but well worth it. Now if I can jump forward a little bit because then BPS, right? A little film that you and I are both in, Tommy and... Border Protection Squad. Let's call it for what it is.

Don't cover it up no it's on iTunes now you can go get a hold of it actually I'll do that later so but when I said Loc would you come

and do me a favour I know you get a lot of paid big time work that you win awards for but I've got another one of my harebrained schemes would you like to come on board I never hesitate though

when you ask me that do I always just go yep what are we doing I'm so happy and then I gave him because you were playing a Bosnian kickboxer. Yeah.

I call him a Bosnian dojo kickboxer. There's a lot of knee juice that we need to inject into your eyeballs. So then, but do you remember when you rang me to say that you'd worked out the look? Yeah. And what was the one piece of prosthetics that... Well, I said, because he's so dumb, this is a guy who loves what he does, but he keeps getting smashed in the face. So this is a guy who would have false teeth.

Yeah. So then you stop and you go, I mean, I can't afford Lockie to go and get these expensive false teeth. And what did you tell him? I said, well, I said, I've got them already. Now, why did you have them? Well, I really don't want to get into the whys of that.

Oh, okay. Yeah, because that gets me into a lot of shit. Not now, it doesn't. It does. No, it does. You'd be very surprised. Can we say it was in what genre it was? It was in relation to the superhero genre film.

Yes. Okay. And anyway, these teeth had been made for me for a screen test. So this was a superhero you were up for playing that didn't work out? That didn't work out. But anyway, it was Hollywood shit. We don't want to tickle the testicles of that beast. Wonder Woman.

Anyway, go on. Suffice to say. But I had the teeth. But I'd never really used them except for that one day years before. So I went out and went down to the chemist and I bought some polydent and fixed the teeth in. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I said, and also the jacket that I wore, which is that sort of Nehru jacket, you know, that martial arts type jacket,

which had been gifted to me by a guy in LA years before, a guy called Juan Ramirez, who's an actor. He'd given it to me. He'd literally taken, I had commented on his jacket at a dinner party and he was one of those guys, hey, you'll take it. And he gave it to me.

He had a jacket from that same screen test. You can't reveal what superhero character it was, but it had big question marks all over it. There was something akin to that. Anyway, and that was the look for the character. Yeah. Yeah. And he looks, I look completely ridiculous.

BYO false teeth. Yeah, BYO false teeth. What a legend. Hang on, what superhero has false teeth? Now I'm trying, I want to. Well, no, this is the thing. It was Lockie's take on it. Yeah.

And it was a very, it was, I wish we could talk about it, because, God, that was a good story. But, yeah yeah so anyway well that's that's like the reverse of the great Greg Fleet story when he got cast in Underbelly and he

is this public domain? yeah where he like went and what was the thing he like made them pay for like him to get all his teeth fixed for the role

yeah that's a truth it didn't work I don't know have you seen Fleet his mouth? it looks like a broken down amusement park address well we have a segment on the show every week have you seen Fleety's Mouth? It looks like a broken down amusement park address. Well, we have a segment on the show every week,

have you seen Fleety's Mouth? Let's get our first contestant in. Well, to be honest, I think the money they would have given him probably wouldn't have gone to a state bank. Probably would have gone to a substance that knocked him. Yes, Your Honour, we hadn't considered that here at the prosecution table. Yes, yes, yes. Well, this actually ties into, I think maybe the one time I've met you, Lockie, was at the wrap drinks for Border Protection School. Right, yes. Well, this actually ties into, I think maybe the one time I've met you,

Lockie, was at the wrap drinks for Border Protection Squad. Right, yes. Which was at a, it was a luncheon on a Friday afternoon. So Tommy, you were in it. That's right. I was in it, I had a small role where I was playing. Ash Williams' girlfriend. Yes.

Copy that. Let's just move on. We were at the wrap party. It was like everyone, like kind of everyone who'd worked on the film sitting on a big long table. Big table, yeah. And then just off to the side, a smaller satellite table,

just for two, Lockie Hume and Luke McGregor sitting there talking about Batman. Yeah, yeah. Ah, ah. Beautiful, Luke. Now, while we're in this beautiful shithole full of leaves with a sunken toilet,

no, it's a nice house. Lockie Hume, I was just at your cave and you told me a stat about, because Lockie collects Batman memorabilia, you believe you've now set a, I believe you've got a record.

We think my beautiful girlfriend, I've had to put everything in storage because she needed the office back because she's going back to uni. Yeah, selfish. Bitch. Educ, selfish. Bitch. Educated bitch. Hang on, let's use her name, Commissioner Gordon.

So I said, all right, look, we'll take everything out and we'll itemise it so everything's on a spreadsheet. So I've got at this stage, and I've got still you in my living room, we've still got piles of boxes of stuff that's yet to be itemised. Oh, really? Yet to be itemised, yeah. we've still got piles of boxes of stuff that's yet to be itemized. Oh, really? Yet to be itemized.

We've got at least 850 individual Batman and Robin stuff. You've got to remember, I've been collecting since I was seven years old. Wow. So it's a huge collection. And it's all mint condition. And I asked you, I said, well, hang on, Locke. You're at the point now where this should be a display. Yeah, so I just said, we're waiting for the neighbours to move out.

We're going to rent the apartment. Oh, as a museum. And we're going to turn it into a museum. It'll be my girls walk in wardrobe and my Batman ship.

The Lockie Hume Batman museum. It needs, it's so, because we're talking about stuff. I have a Batmobile as big as this coffee table sitting

on top of this pile of leaves here. Yeah. I have a Batmobile I've got one sixth scale stuff. Maybe can you hire this house out for the Batcave? Well, actually, the first thing I did when I got in here was start looking at the room space.

I'll buy this for him. No one's going to miss these losers. We can just chop up, me and Ed, just chop up the body bits in the backyard and just move the Batman stuff in here. I mean, they're squatting anyway. There's no rent to be paid on the joint. With all the leaves,

it looks like a cave already. Exactly. Oh, wow. So what are the big pieces? What are the big pieces in here? Well, they've... I mean... So you're pitching to be on postcards?

No, I'm pitching that I'm going to... I've got a guy who works for me, a guy called Will McGowan, who's my toy broker. And he actually does this for me. Your toy broker? He looks after Peter Hellyer's son, Liam, who collects vintage Lego, for example. Yeah, but that's his son, to be fair.

He collects things for Peter as well, but we can't go into this. It's a family show. Yeah, so he's your guy. He's my guy. I met him at Comic Con A couple of years ago And he literally He runs a company called

I Had That Oh Right That's cool, man Okay And so We're the general How old are you guys?

How old are you? 40 You're 40? 22 22 No I'm 29 You're 22 and fucking IQ

29 Well, you're not quite You're what, 36 now? Yeah Yeah, I'm 45 we're Gen X yeah right and we are the generation

that literally invented pop culture as we know it yeah okay what do you think every movie now is a superhero film

yeah we've sort of gone through a time where things weren't collectible no that's right yeah I mean but we were

the kids that grew up when Star Wars came out and that was the first wave of owning that kind of stuff owning a piece of the movie and making it come to life, etc, etc. That's what this guy

Will McGowan is, just a great guy. I had that. There used to be a toy when we were kids called Smash Em Up Derby. Do you remember that? It was like a chrome-coloured VW Beetle and a chrome-coloured Ford pickup truck and you'd wind it back and they'd smash into each other and and all the parts would fly off,

and you'd just rebuild them and just do it again. That's his biggest seller. He travels the world just searching for that for people. Just looking for people who have got that. Yeah, for that. I walked into a comic book shop with him, and there was a display cabinet of Smurfs, and he just as we were walking past, he said,

see that Smurf there with the blue icy pole? Very rare. That's the American version, the one with the white and blue icy pole it's the Australian but that's even tougher to get it's that kind of

so he's mastered he knows the genre of every toy and so I don't want to be on postcards although I do love that show because they always tell you where the

best pies in Victoria are but Sean Crawford's going to try a new pie coming up next to be fair it's more best vanilla slice I think yeah I love that butford's going to try a new pie coming up next. To be fair, it's more best vanilla slice, I think. Yeah.

I love that. But I'm going to do a show with Will. I'm going to produce it. I'm going to just call it I Had That or Toy Hunter Collector Man or something. And we had lunch a few months ago and I said, come up with a list of episodes. And he came back with me with an idea. He said, well, every ep would have to have the Holy Grail of any collection yeah okay what is the holy grail of star wars toys or what is the holy grail of smiths is it i read somewhere that it's han solo with the black vinyl cape and the

retractable wouldn't be han solo in a cape no no um vader vader in a cape vader in a cape carded you know what card means i mean still Carded. Do you know what carded means? I mean, still in the box. Oh. You know what's even more valuable? If the carded box has the sticker on it for the price, original price. Oh, like Kmart, three bucks or something from back in the day. Bang.

Then you're in business. He's told me all this stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I just said to him, look, one of the things I was after was, Kenna did a series of DC superheroes toys in the early 80s called the Superpowers Collection. I still have my Batmobile, Batman, Robin, Superman and Joker from that in mint condition from when I was a kid. And I said, I want more. Didn't they have like a Hall of Justice play set?

Yeah. He found it for me. Oh, wow. You know what I mean? All the Super Friends. And he said, I've also found the Batmobile boxed, stickered. And I said, how much? He said, 400 bucks.

I said, done. You just put that away. That's an investment Because that's going to lose money You know what I mean Not that I'm ever going to sell it But one day I'll be dead Imagine what you'd have

If you took that Telstra job You could have just Why do you think I work The only reason I work Is because it's the only thing I know how to do But the reason I say yes To everything

Is to keep feeding my Batman and Robin addiction For toy collection But what's your Number one item though That's what I'm saying. If you were pitching to me, if I was the head of postcards, and I'm saying, sure, sounds interesting,

what are we going to put on the show? What's the number one ticket item? They're all my children. No, I mean, I've got my Batman and Robin talking alarm clock from when I was seven. That was the first bit. What does it say when you wake up? I can't remember because it's got batteries in it.

I can't remember. Holy shit. Get the fuck up. Holy shit, get the fuck up. Holy shit, get the fuck up, Batman. We're fucking late, you fucking ass. I've got one of the things I've been collecting is toys. How have you managed to track down all this old school memorabilia and merchandise but you can't find batteries to put in your alarm clock? Because I'm just not that mentally equipped, obviously.

I collect a thing called Hot Toys. They're like the toys that when you're a kid, you fantasise that they would make toys these ways. They are exact one-sixth scale photorealistic replicas of the actors who played the roles. So I have Christopher Reeve as Superman. Marlon Brando as Jor-El. I've got Christian Bale.

I've got a Michael Kane action figure as Alfred the butler. And that's where the 1-6 scale Batmobiles come in. Fully work. They light up. They do everything. They cost thousands of dollars. So that is like the big high-end

collectible. I don't know if this is after your time, but do you ever have the crash test dummies? Like those toys where they'd be like a car No, no, no, I collect cool shit What a long build up Fuck, we're nerds attack I'm going to go talk about your little crash test When you said it

That's the last thing I'll do Let me ask you this Check out Freddy Fisher Price over here Well, as a fan of toys and collectibles get a look at that Oh, here we go. Let me ask you this. Check out Freddie Fisher Price over here. Well, as a fan of toys and collectibles, get a look at that. What are these two on top of the shelf here, on top of the wood pile? These are little Dum Dum Club toys that a listener made of us, of me and this man sitting over here. Oh, wow.

They made those? That's great. That is awesome. So you've got some real sick fucks who listen to this podcast, obviously. And you'll find out all about them once this comes out. I know. What other little prezzies did they leave on your doorstep? Hang on. Why is the one for you, yeah, and you'll find out all about them once this comes out. I know. What other little prezzies did they leave on your doorstep? Hang on, why is the one for you, Carl,

why is its mouth open with a lens poking out in the red light? What function does that serve? That's put in there by the police to know who's squatting here in this place. Copy that. I wondered what they were. They're great. A little bit of a... I wondered what they were. They're great. A little bit of a... I wondered what they were.

So the likeness is real good. No, I was just wondering why one of you guys has got a fucking Freddy Krueger jumper on. And why are you in a suit? Why does my face look like a melted candle?

Don't answer that. Clearly they've never actually seen you because I can describe what he's wearing now. Homeless chic. Just trying to blend into my surroundings. It's camouflage.

High-end squatter. Jojo the dog face boy. God! You've gotten the tone of this show real quick. We could go on. We will. In terms of Batman, So here's my little Piece of Batman

So let's see if you've got This piece in your collection Yep Yeah When the Batman When the 1989 Michael Keaton film came out It was parodied by

Australian Mad Magazine I do have that You have that issue Do you have that issue Yes I do The one and only Appearance By Carl Chandler

Writing into the letters department In that issue. Oh, wowee. There you go. I'm in your collection. That's great. I'm in there. I'm in your house.

So Mad Magazine is where everything starts. Yes. I didn't know about Serpico or The Godfather or anything, but I read all about Mad Magazine. Spiro Agnew. Yeah. Okay. Remember the four panel, the The Spirited Away New stamps I'm close

I'm close to you In terms of Your Batman Is my Mad Magazine I was obsessed Well I have all my Collection of Mad Magazine From the 1970s

And early 80s Still boxed away Oh wow Great How good's this museum Going to be Yeah I know you

Sort of mucked around About it But quite seriously Though Let's say that Acme or whoever Got hold of you And said

You know what Let's do it. It would be fantastic. It's all my pop culture shit. People would love it. I thought you meant Acme as in like the road. I even have the Godfather parody of Mad and Godfather 2 parody, which is also Murder on the Orient Express on the same cover.

Mort Drucker. No, Jack Davis did that one and did both of them actually. Oh, the covers. Oh, the covers, yes. Right, right. Mort Drucker did the interiors. And I have them framed above my desk. Oh, wow. Oh, those are those two up there. Yeah. Yeah, the covers, yes. Right, right. Mort Drucker did the interiors. And I have them framed above my desk. Oh, wow.

Those are those two up there. Yeah. The Godfather. Big prints or just the covers? No, the actual magazines. Just framed. Oh, nice. Well, what about your famous huge collection of Mad Magazines that you've got?

Yeah, well, I do have a huge collection. I've got four 450. Wow. And they are all in a... What's your favourite Mad Magazine issue, apart from the one that you wrote into? No, well, see, that's not my favourite because that was actually when I was starting to not become a fan. I started to grow up.

You grow out of Mad Magazine. You grow out a little bit. But it serves you so well. And into this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right, right, right. So I started to grow out of it, and I actually, I'd sent in letters for years going,

I love your magazine, I love this, I love that. I just started to grow out of it, and I sent them a letter just going, oh, this is no good and this is no good and this is no good. It was just me starting to grow out of Mad Magazine. Sent it in. That's the one they published. I'd stop collecting it. Someone hits me up

to go, do you know you're in Mad Magazine? I'm like, oh, I stopped collecting like three months ago or something. I go in there, open the magazine and there's my letter with the subtitle, Oz Critic and they just put the whole thing in just like all of me

going don't like this don't like this don't like this don't like this that shows how great they are they say they built it up for you

is there a little Sergio Argones drawing next to a kangaroo just doing a spew with a bit of fish bone in there it should have

really been the lighter side of dumb cunts man it's so the impact of mad is just humongous a spew with a bit of fishbone in there. It should have really been the lighter side of dumb cunts. Man, it's so... The impact of Mad is just humongous. I've got... I just bought a book, a big coffee table book called Totally Mad and Inside Mad too, the new books that have come out.

And it's really just people from Spielberg to J.J. Abrams to comedians, everybody just talking about the impact this had. In Spielberg's office at Universal Studios, he has the Jaws parody, the original artwork, all from Mark Mortrucker's original artwork, which, by the way, it's called Jawed.

And I personally think it's the funniest Mad Magazine parody of all time. Every panel has a zinger. That should be a quiz. That should be some sort of segment on a quiz show, on a comedy quiz show, where you have to guess the Mad Magazine parody name for something. Oh, that's good. Okay.

Let's play. Clockwork Orange. Clock... Blurk. A clockburk. Wow. You suggested this game and you're real bad at it. No, no, no. But it's entertaining.

A clockburk. A crocked work lemon. Oh, yeah. The Godfather. A clock blur. A crocked work lemon. Oh, yeah. The Godfather. The Schmodfather. The Clodfather? No, the Oddfather. Oh.

Superman the movie. They were really bad at this, I thought. Wasn't it called Super Duper Man? Super Duper Man the movie. But that's because in the original Earl Gaines Mad magazines, back before it became Mad as We Know It, they did a parody of Super Duper Man. Oh, right. Yes, when it's because in the original Earl Gaines Mad magazines, back before it became Mad as we know it, they did a parody of Superman. Yes, when it was back in comic books.

It's continuity. Serpico. Serpico? Serpico. I like mine better. What about Wogboy 2? If you like yours better Why don't you write him a fucking letter

Why don't you write a whole bunch of them And I'd end up printing them after fucking 10 years You're sooking When I was about 12 we went on a family holiday To New York Change pace here guys This is about Matt I've told this before but

The episode of the Simpsons where Bart they go to New York and Bart goes to the Pace here guys No no no This is about Matt I've told this before But the episode Of the Simpsons Where Bart They go to New York And Bart goes to The Mad Magazine office Had been on like A year or two before

And so we turn up To New York And Dad goes Let's try it on Let's give it a go Great So Dad just whips out The phone book

Looks up Mad Magazine And finds the address It's probably on Broadway Or Fifth Avenue Oh God I couldn't remember It used to be 666 Fifth Avenue? Oh, God, I couldn't remember. It used to be 666 Fifth Avenue.

No, Madison Avenue. Madison Avenue. Yes, because I went there. The first time I went to New York, I rocked up there and was sitting there looking for it, and someone goes, what are you looking for, mate? I said, Mad Magazine. And they go, were you checking the address off, like, a Clockwork Orange parody issue?

Because it hadn't been there since the 70s I'm like oh that's the one I remember but it's in it's in Times Square now yeah yeah it's wherever DC comics are now

yeah so we turn up we turn up in the elevator and there's a receptionist there and me and dad walk up and dad's like g'day we've come all the way from Australia

the little tacker just like a little tour of the offices and she just goes what? and that's like you know this must happen all the time like people it must just be a standard people just the offices, and she just goes, what? And that's like, you know, this must happen all the time. Like people, it must just be a standard. People just want it.

And she's like, this has literally never happened before. She's like, I guess we can go and show you around. And so she takes us into this boardroom where they're having a meeting about the cover for the latest issue. Fuck. And we go in. Wow. She's like, knock, knock.

And everyone like turns around. for the latest issue. Fuck. And we go in. Wow. She's like, knock, knock, and everyone like turns around and the lady's like, yeah, this old man and his kid have come all the way from Australia to come to, like Dad painted it as if that was the whole reason for the trip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, they were working on like a. And were they, presumably being, they were all very nice to you. Oh, absolutely. They were working on one of the, it was for a certain anniversary issue. I don't know what year it was or whatever. But like where they had – So you don't know what year you were in New York?

No, like I don't know what anniversary issue it was. So one of the ones where they'd have a cover that's just like heaps of smaller photos of other covers. So they were doing – like they were putting that together. So they had all the old originals out and they were taking photos. And they gave me like – they'd scanned the photos already. So they gave me the photos. How That together So they had all the Old originals out And they were taking photos And they gave me Like they'd scanned The photos already So they gave me the photos How weird that you

Lived Carl's dream 20 years before you met him Yeah That is so weird And then they just Take me into this storeroom Where there's just like Piles and piles of like

Back issues from like The last year And they're like Yeah just take whatever you want And I'm just like Filling up a bag of stuff Stop jerking off Carl What are you doing? Put it away and they're like, yeah, just take whatever you want. And I was like filling up a bag of stuff. Stop jerking off, Carl.

What are you doing? Put it away, dude. Man, I would have been. I just had to make up for the crash test dummies blunder that I whipped out earlier. You're back, baby. You are back. You trumped us, Blackjack. That is one of the great.

Can I say, that is actually one of the great recoveries. That is Jesus level. That is an awesome story. That is an one of the great recoveries. That is Jesus level. That is an awesome story. It paints my dad as the coolest. Yeah, what a great guy. And in your eyes, in their eyes, the fucking sickest son of a bitch to end up on a transcontinental airway. It was just me, mum and dad on this trip.

So it paints dad as a cool father, but a pretty shitty husband. Anyway, we're just going out to a fucking comic book factory just leaves mum alone in the hotel room and back then Times Square was probably pretty dodgy yeah Times Square was pretty shitty

but see that's a comparison see your dad looks great in that story my comparison is I would have loved that so much as a kid instead my dad was bringing me to Bendigo

to antique shops going you got any comic books out the back or anything you got anything like that? But that was good. That's how I got my old 70s issues. I'll give you a tip. If you go to a comic book shop or if you go to a toy store,

go in and ask, would you have any old new stock? That's the password. Oh! Old new stock. And they'll go, oh yeah, I was in Lakes Entrance shooting a thing 18 months ago. I had the day off and went down the main drag of Lakes Entrance shooting a thing 18 months ago. I had the day off and went down the main drag of Lakes Entrance, went into the toy store there on the drag,

and they said, do you have any old new stock? Oh, yes, come and have a look. What did you have? I ended up getting a Batman the Animated Series Batboat. Why do they hide that stuff? They don't. It's old. It's stock.

It's old, but it's never been opened, so they just put it in the back room. That's an amazing tip. People who own toy stores are not necessarily people who understand toys. Right. Okay? They get the Toy Fair brochure. They go, this is what's going to be hot this season.

They stock, and then they put the old stock, the old new stock. Old new stock. And that's how serious collectors, like my buddy Will McGinn, that's what he's the first question he asked me. So you find all these clues and all these code words and stuff. But if you want, I mean, it's like, okay, you want Mad Magazines, as we've just found out,

Tommy's told us, go to Mad Magazine headquarters and ask for a tour, and then they'll take you into the stock room and say, take whatever you want. Yeah, man, I'm kind of, in my head, there's a picture of Lockie dressed in a suit Rocking up with Carl

With like the little spinny hat and a lollipop My young lad here is only Six years old I was just wondering if you'd give my lad here A tour of your fan facility Have you got Clock Blurk Lemon Out the back But now it's like it's a different era

It's like yeah I guess we can give you a free download code for the app Give you a screenshot download code for the app. Yeah, that's true. Give you a screenshot. And plus, I'm positive that they now do tours there as well. Yeah, for sure. So maybe you invented the Mad Magazine show. Well, you heard it here first.

That's how I built up my Mad Magazine collection as a kid, was driving past a garage sale. And Dad would go, oh, let's see what's here. And there'd just be boxes. Always. Every garage sale would have four boxes minimum just full of Mad Mags that's how I built up my porn collection

alright do you have any old news stock we don't care how old second hand bookstore in Ashgrove in Brisbane that's where I used to get my Mad Magazines from

and they were up the back which was always an interesting experience because that's where the other magazines were kept good way to meet people when you're nine

I stole I'm a reasonably honest individual but I had my Super Duper Man edition and I'd read it so many times

it had become really frayed and at the second hand bookshop near me they had a new one so I did the old switcheroo switcheroo

and I feel very bad and thanks for having me on the show get in this was a stink They had a new one. Oh. So I did the old switcheroo. Oh. Switcheroo. And I feel very bad and thanks for having me on the show. Yeah. Get in. This was a stink. What? Hey. Get those cuffs on.

Woo. We need to come back. Bring the Salvation Army. We need to come back around to your 450 issue collection that you have. Well, it is. That you can easily have access to any time. Well, first of all, Carl, where is the collection? It is very secure. You're not using it as firewood here, are you? It is very secure. You're not using it as firewood

here, are you? It is very secure. It's almost like, you know what, it's very well maintained for a very good reason. I, as a child, when I was becoming a real collector of it, I went, you know what, I started to save up my money. Mum and Dad, what are you

putting this money away for, for bigger and better purchases? None of your fucking business, Mum. So I saved up when I was about nine years old. That was uncalled for, Tom. Grew up in a rough house. Tommy just answered a phone call. You're just picturing your own mum back in that hotel where you did your bad things.

Where are you boys going? Shut up! Get back and work the corner in Times Square, Mum. Wow. By the way, happy Mother's Day to anyone who might be listening. So when I was a kid, I was about 9 or 10 years old, I saved up for a filing cabinet because that's what you do when you're in grade 4.

Cool guy. You're a serious collector of stuff. Yes. So I bought a big filing cabinet from Wattle Office Supplies. I got in the grey cabinet, put it in my room, filled it up with Madden magazines, absolutely full. When I got to my later teenage years, I went swimming in a swimming hole near my house called Barry's Hole.

If you're listening, everybody at Barry's Hole. If you're listening, Barry. Thanks for the time. Anyway, Anyway had the key to my cabinet It's a cheap shop but it's a good shop Had the key to the filing cabinet in my pocket Went swimming And is now in the bottom of Barry's hole You really are determined no one's going to get into that collection aren't you

So I've got a full Absolutely full filing cabinet Can't get in there Can't get in there Yep Absolutely full Have you thought about calling a locksmith It just makes you think about calling a locksmith?

It makes you think about how many things kids lost in Barry's hole. Yeah, it does. So the filing cabinet is just still at your parents' house? Let's have it. We've got to bring it out for the 300th episode that we're doing. Oh, yeah, yeah, cool. You go and pick up the filing cabinet full of Mad Megaliths. Live challenge. Live challenge.

At your house. You should do it from, you go and pick up the filing cabinet full of Mad Megaminds. Live challenge. Live challenge. At your house. You should do it from, you do live. You should do it. I remember I did a live episode of another podcast at someone's house, and that was kind of. Yeah, look, we've been talking about that for a long time because I grew up in Maribor. So it's central Victoria.

It's about population 8,000. Where Matthew Della Vadova was from. Exactly. We tried to get him on the podcast. Apparently he wants to forget his roots. No, I've spoken to him on the radio before. He's quite hard to get hold of. Yeah.

And because you go, well, it's in the air. But the NBA is actually quite... Yeah. It's a full-time job, the NBA. Who knew? Yeah. Well, no, I did... That counts me out.

I desperately wanted to get... You'll probably get in the NBL, though. You'll probably own a team. How much work's involved in that? South East Melbourne Spectre's still taking place. So we did try and get him on because his mother taught me at school. That's right, she's a teacher. Yeah, she's a teacher.

Yes. And along with Stuart Crammery, who plays for the Essendon Bombers. Crammery? He's from Maryborough. He's from Maryborough. His mum taught me as well. Crammery used to be with the Dons. He's gone to Footscray.

We should know that young Lachlan is also a big Essendon Bombers fan. Year's going well so far, right? We're one straight kick away from victory. So am I, Lachy. So there's a lot going on between us. Bombers will be fantastic next season. You look at some of the young guys who are getting blooded this season. Don't say blooded. You look at all the guys who guys who are getting blooded this season and you think about all the guys

who are re-signing and you just start doing match-ups like Travis Collier with Tip and Woody. You just go, oh my God, there's just one on each flank and we're just going to steam home. Tommy, what do you think about all this?

I agree 100%. Not a football man, Tom? No, not really. Not sport at all. They just need an injection of quality at the Bombers. This thing aren't. Comedy. This thing aren't. Not sport at all. They just need an injection of quality at the Bombers. Is this thing on? Is this thing on?

Comedy with a capital K. Tommy, if only you were here, you could get it. That's Cavalry Comedy Capers. I apologise for that. Yeah, they do need a bit of a shot. There we go. Next topic. Del Vadova, we tried to get him on because of that Meribah,

because the hometown boy done good. Who does he play for over in the States? Cavs. He plays for LeBron James. Oh, right. Delved over. We tried to get him on because of that Marabar, because the hometown boy done good. Who does he play for over in the States? Cavs. He plays for LeBron James. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But no, we haven't been able to get him.

No, he's hardly home. We have talked about, in terms of going to see that filing cabinet, we have been talking for a long time about doing a tour of Marabar, which everyone's very excited about. We costed it because I've talked a lot about Marabar and how fucked it is.

Oh. So the tourism board are backing my idea there. Do they have a tourism board? They fucking do now, dude. It's you. But what about the – could you get – I mean, I'm sure Barry's Hole has a marketing team. I was going to say, we've got to go cap off the day with a nice dip in Barry's Hole. Well, I have costed it.

To get a bus these days – do you remember going on excursions when you were a kid at school it would be like two bucks five bucks not much I costed it to bring a whole busload of people from Melbourne to Maryborough via Barry's hole

it's going to cost 50, 60 bucks each person to get the insurance and everything for the bus driver I don't know if anybody is too excited to throw down that kind of dough

to go to Maryborough exactly it's not cost effective unless you take postcards with you and you get it all thrown in for free. Yes. That's a good idea. Now you're being interesting. That's a very –

Yes. Whichever footballer's girlfriend's currently hosting it, if you get her – Crammery, does he have a girlfriend? Yeah, she's either doing the weather or postcards. That's what I mean. Well, that's a shame because that would be good fun. But if we can get down there, if we can crack this filing cabinet, get all those mad magazines, hawk them, surely that's going to underwrite the whole thing. That's a shame because that would be good fun. But if we can get down there, if we can crack this filing cabinet,

get all those mad magazines, hawk them, surely that's going to underwrite the whole thing. Yeah, cool. If only you can come in and sell off my childhood, we can afford this. Great. Thank you, George Lucas, for another rape. Wow. Jesus.

Bring your dad. Get back to Rundlemore in Adelaide, Lucas. Daslo, bring your dad down so you can pick up another big heap of mad magazines. If we were on commercial radio, this would be a thing. We'd be trying to find Australia's best locksmith by just getting a listener in, seeing who can crack open the filing cabinet. Oh, look, don't worry. Mereborough. Just get a fucking crowbar.

Mereborough is full of people that can pick locks. Don't worry about that. Can I say if we were on commercial radio, no, we wouldn't. Really? No. What would you do? A filing cabinet, a childhood filing cabinet,

what kind of content would you be turning that into? So what you do is you try and, you haven't seen it for a while, have you? No. What you would try and do

is match the cabinet as closely as you possibly could. Yep. Like really as closely as you probably could. You probably also say to, yeah, and so then what you do

is you would have it in the car park with a locksmith that you'd got and then you'd blow it up. You'd wait for Charles to collapse on the floor in tears Hook him up to a lie detector. And then you'd bring out the actual filing cabinet.

And the locksmith would unlock it. But then you'd already done it so that in there, they were empty. So then he's upset again. Oh. Ah. Don't know. Psychological torture continues.

We need an hour of this. Then you come back from the news and now you've got. With a baseball bat. Hit me in the head. No. Now we're thinking. So then you would get the, then you would have the other actual real file and cover open up. They're all there, but we've already actually gone in there.

We've asked your parents what your favourite one is and we've framed it beautifully so then you get Batman letter exactly then you get the Batman letter

we would have heard yes it would have been that one with the Batman letter and then we would have got in touch with Mad Magazine from someone

we would have spent months working from someone Mad Magazine and then they would have been on the line saying great job oh okay

great that's it Jesus I think there's still room for more why don't we just go back to plan A get a fucking crowbar i think there's still let me just go back to plan a get a fucking crowbar i think there's still room for more fucking with him in there i think it's like

you open them up you've replaced all the magazines with cracked and then i'm just like man i wish they'd just blown it up. Or even worse, crazy. Oh, yeah. Wow. But then we'd have to make sure that we finish that because if we didn't have time for a gotcha call at the end of the hour, it would've all been a waste of time. Well, the worst thing of all, we're stuck in Mirabar. You blow up the car so you can't come home.

That would be it. That would be it. Now you're really screwing with people. You seem pretty set on this filing cabinet being completely untransportable. How big is it? It'd be heavy. Really? It's a four drawer.

Yeah, it's a four stacker. I guess because I'm imagining a child... Is it gunmetal grey? Yes, exactly. Right. I'm imagining a child buying it with their allowance. So I'm picturing it like that big and the keys are plastic. No, I'd picture it as the four bunga, the full metal regalia.

Because I know that the key to that is in the top left-hand corner. Those little silver key things that you need. Exactly. And that unlocks the whole metal regalia. Because I know that the key to that is in the top left-hand corner, those little silver key things that you need. Exactly. And that unlocks the whole thing. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, filing cabinet expert. I don't know why I know that.

I'm a man of many dreams. I don't know why I know that, but I did, yes. But I am, look, I am very keen. Look, I did talk about this to Maribor people the other day, to friends of mine, and they were like, you're an idiot for not doing this. And I think we've talked about this before. We do actually have

listeners in Maribor that would be super keen for us to come back and trash their town. We really want to do it. It's just extremely hard to tee up. The manager of one

of the big venues there has been hitting me up and he'll be listening to this and he hits me up and sort of goes, you've got to come up and do a show. Come up and do a show.

Look, I've got to place capacity 3,400. I'm like, we're not going to get that many. You tell them to throw in the bus. Yeah. Or a fleet of buses.

Now you're talking. What I'm enjoying is that we've got Lockie Hume here, award winning actor, star of many wonderful productions and films and all we're trying to do is get a bus to Maryborough.

We're really making the most of our opportunity with him. Sorry Ed, Lockie, would you like to come on the bus? Yes, good fun. Yeah.

Look, Maribor has plenty of people that you would want to do a physical transformation and play the role of your life with. There's a guy called... Man, don't knock on it. That's why I still catch public transport. Just look at people and make notes. Lockie doesn't drive. Actually, Lockie invented Uber.

Yeah, tell them this story. Lockie invented Uber. Oh. Yeah, tell them this story. Lucky invented Uber without realising. When I was living in LA, I, of leaving off my savings. After The Matrix. You'd just done The Matrix films.

I'd done The Matrix and I had a... Oh, fuck, why aren't we talking about The Matrix? Jesus Christ. And,

so, because I don't drive, it's just because when I was starting out as an actor, I just couldn't afford to buy a car. You know what I mean?

I had to worry about things like eating and rent. You've never had a licence? Never had a... I've driven, I drive in the movies and stuff like that. You've never had a licence? Never. I drive in the movies. So you've

got a licence in the Matrix but not in real life? Yeah. Every time we see you driving on film,

that's illegal. It's often that there was one time where you had to drive a Lamborghini and just out

of shot was an L plate because there was someone slumped down, a licence driver slumped down.

No, it was Josh was next to me. Josh Lawson was next to me. Yeah, Josh Lawson because he was a licensed driver. And we didn't have to have the L plate on it because we got special dispensation from the insurance company.

Hadn't do it, but the Melbourne City Council let me fang out of the Fed Square car park into Flinders Street. Oh, wow. I got up to 210K. And I literally got my L plate the day before. Anyway, Matrix. Yeah, no, no, but you know, Uber.

I invented Uber. This is your theory I invented Uber. Because all I did was pay, I'd bring up my management in LA, but I had to go to auditions and everything. And so I'd bring up my management and say, who's on your books who's free today? Because I'll pay them to be my driver. And I'll pay an Australian minimum wage, which was $12.50 back then.

For people at home, every time Lucky gets a detail right, Ed is just high-fiving himself. He's so excited. I love his stories. Yeah, and like I was just saying to Ed today, Cobie Smulders, you know, Cobie who went on to do

How I Met Your Mother. Cobie used to be one of my regular drivers. Oh, yeah. She's in the Avengers films. Yeah, she's awesome. That's a regular jobs. Oh, yeah. She's in the Avengers films. Yeah, she's awesome. That's a great ad. So you invented her as well. I invented Kobe Smulders as my personal driver.

That would have been a great ad back in the day for anyone wanting to sign up with your management company. It's like, look, we can't always guarantee that we're going to get you the big film roles, but we can guarantee... $12.50 an hour to drive that slob around the town. That's better than waitressing, yeah? Yeah.

My word. That's why I said I'll pay you Australian minimum wage, not American minimum wage, which back then was like five bucks. Yeah. I said, fuck that, $12.50 an hour. You take me where I've got to go. You wait and you take me home again. Yeah, yeah.

Do a good job. I'll give you my Mad Magazine when they parody Butch Cassidy in the Sundance kids. Which was called Botch Casually in the Sundance kids. Which was called Box Casually and the Sundance kids. We could play this trivia game all night buddy. We could do this

forever. We could play Game On sucker. But if anyone wants to see any of Lockie's early work you made a film called Let's Get

Skate right? Yes. Now this has the all time bad luck piece of timing for anything ever. So how long did it take you to get – people who don't know, Christopher Scase, in the 80s, there were two moguls of business in Australia. There were these new guys.

It was Alan Bond and Christopher Scase. They both went tits up in the late 80s, early 90s. And Kerry Packer was one of the people that benefited from Alan Bond's mistakes. He did very well out of it. Very well. Made 500 million bucks from him. But then Christopher Scase then, he fled to Mallorca in Spain. What Scase did, Scase ran a company called Quintex

and basically he was defrauding his shareholders. He's getting his fingers in a lot of pies. He owned Channel 7, which plays into this story later. Owned the Brisbane Bears. Which he never actually did because Ross Oakley, who was the AFL commissioner at the time, who I know, Ross told me that when he handed over the envelope with the cheque at the ceremony, Skates whispered to him, don't open it,

and there was no cheque in there. So this has just come out in Ross Oakley's memoirs as well. Skates never actually owned the Brisbane Bears. He just handed him an envelope. But where he ran into real trouble, where Skates ran into trouble, Rupert Murdoch was making mistake making his inroads in the US, and Rupert was looking at buying a film studio. It ended up being 20th Century Fox, as we all know,

but he was looking at MGM at the time. And Scase thought, I'll make a bid on MGM too to get Murdoch out of the market. Well, Murdoch had deeper pockets. And that was the beginning of his end. So he ended up owing about a billion dollars to his investors. And what did he do? He fucking took it and ran away. And he went to Mallorca where they don't have any extradition.

Mallorca's a little island off the coast of Spain. Anyway, Andrew Denton, with his Tonight Show, did a telethon to raise money to hire a bounty hunter to go get Scase back. It was called the Chase to Scase. And there was a restaurant, a failed restaurant owner here in Melbourne called Peter D'Alessandro who thought, I'll go and kidnap Skace and I'll reap the benefits publicity wise because if I get Skace back here, I'll be able to, as he said to one of the Quintex people who have been defrauded, I will parade skates around this country like king fucking kong

in captivity and basically make like a sideshow exhibit and make money that way i thought you were gonna say if i catch skates then they'll want my gnocchi yeah exactly great this guy delisandra had lost all his money on a big track road venture and so that's who i play in the movie yeah i got to know this guy because he was working as a barista and so we just became drinking buddies we'd go down to the dogs bar in St Kilda and he'd tell me great stories about his life

and I turned to Matt George who I'd just done my first film Four Jacks with and Matt said what are you doing next and I said you've got to come

and meet this guy literally from that meeting two days later Matty and I had the outline and 18 months later we were shooting and six months after that

the film was getting ready for release and Scase fucking drops dead eight weeks before we were about to be released and you've got to remember the way we depict

Christopher Scase in the film is basically how the media had been depicting him while he'd been on the run which is that he's an arch villain he's faking his illnesses he wasn't sick at all

in reality and we really took it to the nth degree everyone hated him hated him while he'd been on the run which is that he's an arch-villain he's faking his illnesses he wasn't sick at all yeah all that stuff and we really took it to the nth degree everyone hated him gotta remember everyone hated him hated him he was the public enemy

number one the second he dropped dead there was talks about building a statue in his honour at Port Douglas and all this kind of shit so Village Roadshow who bankrolled the whole movie

they're like we don't know what to do with all this all this bad publicity and we were like we've got to release we've got to keep moving but it amped up all the interest in the movie, obviously.

But here's the thing. I'll give you a great story. Craig McLachlan goes on Burt Newton's... Oh, you've got me already. What a double. Burt Newton's breakfast show. Morning Show on Channel 10. And so Matty George and I are waiting around the corner,

having lunch, waiting for Craig to finish so we can catch up. Because Craig was in the movie. Yeah, Craig's obviously in the movie. And he comes back to finish so we can catch up. Because Craig was in the movie. Yeah, Craig's obviously in the movie. Yeah. And he comes back and he's shell-shocked. And we go, what's wrong? He goes, Burt Newton just basically dissed me for like 15 minutes on television, wouldn't even look me in the eye.

And we go, what did you do? And he goes, I don't know. I thought I was friends with him. I don't understand. And suddenly all these people were attacking the film and we realised they all worked for Scase at Channel 7 at one point. So Bert had been fired by Channel 9. Christopher Scase gave him his midday show on Channel 7.

So there was that. And it's understandable. You do have those kids. Scott employed me. I do. Even though he was an arsehole, you know. And so these incredible – I've known Darren Hinch since I was a kid

I went to his stepson Dylan and I went to school together and but Darren of course had his career with Hinch so

Darren wrote an editorial on the Daily Telegraph attacking me and the movie I just couldn't believe it my mum rang him and said

Lachlan's not going to be talking to you for a long time we're all mates now but I reckon Hinch has had a few of those ones took us forever My mum rang him and said, Lachlan's not going to be talking to you from lockdown. Yeah, man. We're all mates now. I reckon he just had a few of those ones. It took us forever for the penny to drop, this hostility towards the movie. And that was systematic.

You guys were going, one, two, and it just kept happening to you, didn't it? Every time you'd poke your head up to promote the film. Yeah. Whereas three months earlier, he was Public Enemy number one. And everybody was saying, this is going to be the funniest movie of all time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is the worst. Suddenly we're in bad taste Yeah It's fucking Christopher Stace The king of bad taste That's right It's like people Look the film's not perfect

I mean in fact The DVD commentary track That Matt and I do Is funnier than the movie Yeah But that is enough But we recognise The faults in the film

Is the screenplay There's not consistency Of tone in the script Some minutes It's quite mawkish and heartfelt. Then it's sort of wacky and funny. You've got to have the consistency of tone. That's the thing the working dog guys I've learnt from working with them.

Even now to this day, you'd probably go off to do a footy club function with Warwick Capper. Warwick Capper would get you because, you know, Skace brought him up to Brisbane Lions. That's right. Capper's after me for more than that. But I still owe him some money for making him strip at my place. They got him in a garage and made him do it on grass. Yeah, he won't do that. He won't strip on grass.

When he was a stripper and it was $850, on his website it said very clearly, I don't strip on grass. And, hey, did you ever get his porn filmed? Did they ever send it to you? He never sent it to me. So the last time I saw Warwick, right, he was – You'd have a bit to do with him. You're in the same state, isn't he?

I love that guy. We all love Warwick. Warwick knows why Warwick's funny. You've got to understand that. So last time I saw him, he was – I spoke to him on the radio recently, but the last time I saw him – From Joy of Sets with Tom? Yeah, he was shooting something for me and Tom where he was playing Judge Capper.

So he was in the gold hot pants. Muff said, two-word pitch, let's go. Judge Capper. And so then he gets into a role a little bit easier than you. You'd be surprised the amount of work behind the scenes. So he got his phone out, right? And he's like, oh, man. I said, how are you going, Walsh?

He goes, top of the world. I said, excellent. And somewhere he'd heard the phrase 100,000 units. So whenever you ask him how something's gone, I said, how did the porn end up going? Walsh, fantastic. Sold 100,000 units. What about the book, Walsh?

The book went even better. 100,000 units. It's going to be when people ask how many downloads of this podcast. 100,000 units. It's going to be when people ask how many downloads of this podcast. 100,000 units. It's going to be a ringtone. Yes. And so then I was going, oh, that's the life's good. He goes, fantastic.

Got a new girlfriend. Want to see her? And I was like, yeah, of course. No worries, Wos. He opens his phone, but he goes to the photos. Now, obviously he... How many photos? 100,000 units. goes to the photos now obviously he how many photos but the last thing he'd done was send her

a nude so the first one was warwick nude right so he opens it up there he is in all his glory i'm looking at it he's looking at it and there's a pregnant pause where we're both deciding what we're going to say and i look at was and he at the phone and then he looks at me and he goes, not bad for 47. And then just keeps going. Yes. Warwick. Yes.

It's a yes from me. I love that guy. And are they still together? Well, last time I spoke to him, whenever you ask him where he is, the key with Warwick Capra, he's always asked, go quickly with details before he goes into the material, right?

Because you lose the material at the end, but you want to get details early because you can sort of, he sort of dazed a bit when he first comes on. Like he's ready to go. He'll get the first one out, right? And you'll go, so you'll go, how are you Oz? Fantastic. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy flying through the sky.

I was standing on his head so long I thought I had to take a mark otherwise it was going to be a free kick right so he'll get that one he'll get that one out bang you let him get that out

you get that one out and you go absolutely Woz yeah oh absolutely Woz where are you right now and then he'll always say that he's at the same thing I think

at the Palazzo Palazzo Versace just by the pool relaxing doesn't matter last time I spoke to him it was 7.30 in the morning for breakfast radio just by the pool at the Palazzo Versace, just by the pool, relaxing. Doesn't matter. Last time I spoke to him, it was 7.30 in the morning for breakfast radio. Beside the pool at the Versace Palazzo, relaxing.

He's always getting a massage or something. Or enjoying a nice, I'm having a nice white wine. Just sipping on a Chardonnay. Sipping a Chardonnay. Why am I sounding like somebody from South Park? I don't know. Yeah. If you ever did some Warwick time on this podcast, he's absolute.

We'd love that. I would love that. I don't know how much material he's got, though. Could he do? No, the thing is he runs out and then it gets really good. So when the bottom of the barrel's been scraped, that's when Kappa kicks in. That's when real Kappa. Once he's out, then you get the real.

It was like years ago he started following us on Twitter and we thought, fuck, here we go. Have I told this story before? He doesn't write his Twitter. Have I told this story before? Now, I've said this many times on the show. I am good mates with the boys in the Avalanches. I grew up with those guys. Went to school with those guys.

And he's the premier of the new track. Let's have that one come back after this. I think it actually will be out by the time this goes up. Possibly. I've heard it. But anyway, that's why they call me the fifth avalanche or something. I don't know. That's why they say you should dine an avalanche.

So, I reckon about ten years ago in the age, there used to be a thing on Saturday morning paper where there was a sort of a... Coming back to what we've been talking about, it was a bit of a collectible corner on the back where they would say, I've got this. What do you think this is worth? It would be sporting memorabilia or whatever it was.

What this guy had – what it was is one of the guys in the Avalanches had sent in – because they collect hundreds and hundreds of records out of bargain bins or whatever to make all the samples in their albums, he'd found this old nursery rhyme sort of album or something like that, right? And at the top it said, property of Warwick Capper, age eight. Oh! Caulfield South or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he'd sent it in to go, is this really Warwick Capper's album? Yeah. And then the reply was, and because I know that's where he actually grew up. Yeah, that's where he's from. Yeah, that's where he's from. And the reply was in the paper, look, it'd be a nice idea to think it was him, but it's not him because he spelt Warwick wrong. Which, to be honest, I think confirms that it's him.

Yeah. I was going to say, exhibit A, you're on. Exhibit A. Do you know how many copies of that album he had? No. 100,000 units See you gotta Mate See look

Locke You know I don't know when Locke Will be back on this podcast So you've gotta make sure You get maximum You gotta make sure You get maximum Hume

Ed what else you got In the great Lockie Hume song book for us What are the carrots You wanna date Well you Lockie you just said You just mentioned You worked on a De Niro film else have you got in the great Lockie Hume songbook for us? What are the carrots you want to take in front of me? Lockie, you just mentioned you worked on a De Niro film. Yeah. So you've met the great man?

I didn't meet him actually when he was out here doing it. I don't have any scenes of him in the film. But I met him years ago in New York. The first film I ever wrote was a movie called Men With Guns. I thought you were going to say first movie you ever wrote, Godfather 4. But this is a weird story because this film got produced where did you sell it i sold it to a canadian company and got paid really well i was 25 at the time and all my experience well i'd written the film for me to star in trying to get the movie up here i've been doing a lot of cooperative theatre That's how most actors start out For people listening

Cooperative theatre is basically Standing in an empty theatre screaming about socialism No one gets paid But you hook up with a lot of hot chicks Standing in an empty room Screaming about socialism is cooperative theatre Or night time ABC radio Once you've got one you've got the other in an empty room screaming about socialism is cooperative theatre or night time ABC radio.

Once you got one, you got the other. Anyway, so I wrote this script called Men With Guns and I couldn't get it made here. Ended up selling it for an astonishing amount of money to a Canadian. How'd they get onto it? My lawyer here sent the script to

a guy who he thought might be able to help put some financing together in the States. He had coverage done on it, which means a professional reader reads it and does an assessment of it. And it was actually done at Disney. And this is a hardcore R-rated sort of gangster type film. Yeah. But they loved it. They later… They passed it on to somebody and that's how it happened.

Did that end up starring Donald Logue? Donald Logue was in it. Okay. My enemy, I call him, because he plays my role in it. Ah. Yeah, and Paul Sorvino was in it. Who's Donald Logue? Okay, so the Donald Logue, you'll look him up and then you'll go,

I know that guy. You know Gotham, the TV series Gotham? He plays the other cop. Yeah. But the one that I love him from was when I was working at the video store for years and years. It was a great independent LA film made. It was Paul Rudd's first or second movie.

It was Paul Rudd and Donald Logue called The Size of Watermelons. If you can get a hold of it, the movie's not great, but there's three scenes in it which are fantastic between those two where you go, oh, shit, those guys are going to do something. He's a really good actor, Donald Logue. He's a very, very good actor. Anyway, sorry. Anyway, but having done theatre, you Logie. He's a very, very good actor. Anyway, so... Anyway, but I...

Having done theatre, you know, when you get a theatre... When you get a play, that's it. That's locked in. You don't rewrite Shakespeare. You know what I mean?

It's like, that's it. Whereas with screenplays, I didn't know this. Screenplays is just the first draft of what... Then you shoot and you improvise on set and then you edit it

and it's all different then. So they started fucking around with my script. Yeah. And I was like, you can't do this.'s all different then so they started fucking around with my script and I was like you can't do this and by the way they were fucking around to the point

where they were ruining it which is why they flew me over to put the script back together because they'd hired this director who was this little snot faced shit

who I knew was going to get fired he did he got fired the first weekend of production so we get it you think it was going well

yeah but the producer on the film was the ditzy third wife of the boss of the company. So it was basically something to get the missus to get her out of the house for a while. So you work on the fourth wife. And I thought, you know, creative.

I was 25 years old and I thought a creative discussion involved shouting. That's what I thought it involved. She rang me to say that the big plot point that I sort of put back in the script, which is that the characters, what unleashes them on their adventure, it should be something that was an accident. There was nothing deliberate in it. So average guys suddenly become gangsters. And she said, no, we're changing now.

It's all going to be, you know, they were set up from the beginning. And I said, you fucking, what are you out of your mind? This is the whole point of the fucking film. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill your kids. This kind of discussion. The type of attitude that served me well years later when I played Packer. And so literally, bang.

They had me in this beautiful apartment. I was getting my per diems. Bang, cut off. Literally, one of the production guys came by and said, Pac, we're taking you to the airport. Wow. And so I said, don't take me to the airport. Take me to the train station.

I'm going to New York. I catch the train down to New York because I had a really good friend in New York. So it was the summer of 96, New York summer of 96. Back in the summer of 96. Fabled Brian Adams song. So I was there bummed around New York for three months, and my French. Look for Mad Magazine headquarters.

I didn't make it that far, because I was told that all the old new stock had been taken by some sick little fuck and his dad. That was the rumour going around Times Square at the time. Yeah, big time. Anyway, and so I was bumming around New York and it was the last day. My friend Kate, who I was staying with,

she said, is there anything you want to do that you haven't done? And I said, well, apparently Robert De Niro's opened a restaurant. Oh. Okay. And this is the Tribeca Bar and Grill but so we get into a cab and say can you take us to the tribeca district and the cab driver didn't even know where it was it wasn't even on the map at that point right right so deniro has built tribeca basically yeah anyway there was a sunday afternoon it was stinking hot we go into this restaurant it's like a warehouse

district and we go into we see this restaurant sign we go in and this is it and there's robert de niro's father's artwork is all over the wall he's a very famous artist back in the 40s and 50s and place is empty uh and there's this little hostess standing at the front thing and next to her is just this one little picture on the on the pin board and it's the picture of de niro and goodfellas choking mori with the phone call. Wow. Okay. And it just, in little typewritten words underneath it says, if you have any complaints,

please do not hesitate to speak with the management. That's good. That's good. And so we go sit at the bar and we order a Coke and we're sitting there and I say to the bartender, so, you know, does Robert De Niro come in here often? And classic New York bartender is like, he's an asshole, man. He doesn't talk to anyone around here. Some woman from France was in here the other day

and simply just wanted to hang around, just get an autograph, and he wouldn't come out of the office to even do that. He's such an asshole. And I'm like, oh, okay. As we're talking, Kate and I are just sitting at the bar talking together. And then this bartender leans back in and he goes, hey, man, it looks like today's your lucky day. And we turn around. And De Niro is literally as close as I'm sitting next to you, Carl.

So he's about five feet away. And he's standing there with Arnon Milkshyn, the Hollywood producer, who I recognize because he's wearing a Puma tracksuit. Because Arnon Milkshyn owns Puma. Oh, wow. Right? And then I look out the back and there's like blacked out Range Rovers

with security people and everything and there's De Niro and he had long sort of greyish hair he had a moustache he had big sort of reading glasses on

he was actually getting ready to do Copland yeah yeah yeah the one with Stallone and I'm just staring at him he's just literally I'm just staring right at him and he like turns around

and I know this is just Theatre of the mind People listening Theatre of the mind Picture Robert De Niro Turning around I'm in silence While this happens

That look Oh yes And I had my little My little Kodak Instamatic camera And I said to Kate Look I'm going to go over And introduce myself

When I do You take a photo Okay And Kate goes, fuck you, man. You're on your own. And I go, fair enough. This is one of those moments. So I get up and he starts walking over to me and he goes, hey, how you doing?

How you doing? What's your name? What's your name? And he's got tiny little hands. And he actually talks about it in Raging Bull. I've got these little hands. And so he's shaking his hands and I go, he goes, what's your name? What's your name? And I said, oh, Mr. De Niro, my name's Lockie Hume. I'm an actor from Australia.

It's just an incredible honour. A huge fan. Oh, thank you very much. That's good. What are you doing here? He said, I'm doing a film up in Canada, which, you know, I've just been throwing off my own film in Canada. Yeah.

But with your friend Paul Sorvino, who plays Paul Ivario, the boss in Goodfellas. Yeah. Right? And he's like, oh, it's good. It's good. And I said, Mr. Nero, I was just wondering, could I have a photo? And he just breaks off. Yeah.

And he goes, no, I'd rather not. And he just walks away. Yeah. And he walks off to the manager's office. I'd rather not. And he's so shy. He's a really shy guy. Right.

And Milkshin's standing there. I don't speak to him, but he just looks at me and shrugs. Yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? And I sit back down. The bartender comes back over. He he goes who the fuck are you man who are you you're somebody i know you're somebody because you you he doesn't talk to anyone in here i'm going i'm nobody i'm nobody then kate takes the photo with me sitting there talking and it looks like i've been hit in the back of the head with a fry pan i'm so stunned that i met my idol him and pacino they're the two

reasons i went into acting yeah and i'm just i'm just stunned and then suddenly the door opens and he comes back out and he's walking out towards the cars and i just did what any self-respecting cool dude from melbourne dude i just gave him that sort of that and what's he do bananas Bananas back around to me. He goes, good to meet you, Larky. Good to meet you very much. Good, good. Have a great time.

Have a great time. Whatever you want. Whatever you want. Right? What? And walks off. And I'm just stunned. Now, have you guys seen The King of Comedy?

Yeah. Right. You know how Rupert Pupkin has these fantasy conversations? Yeah. With Jerry Langford, played by Jerry Lewis. I immediately start having a fantasy conversation with, as quick as that, I'm just sitting there going

well, what do you want to eat? What's good here? What's good here? It's all edible. And I'm having this conversation. As I'm watching him leave, in my mind, I'm talking with him. It's like this bizarre osmosis. And so that's when I first met De Niro.

But you got to double De Niro. You got the first meeting and then he's doubled back for a second. He came back for a second. But when I was doing Killer Elite, because I was never on the same day. See, that's behaviour like Marabou. That's what you do in Marabou on a Friday night. You just do laps. The woman who runs his restaurant Nobu in London is my ex-girlfriend's sister.

Right. And I'm still friends with all of them. And so she said, when you go into Melbourne to do this Killer Elite thing, my friend Lockie's in it, so you make sure you catch up with Lockie. Okay? I never got to see him, but he booked at Melbourne Nobu for me, table for two, under his name. So that's why I went to Nobu.

Under his name? Yeah, just it'll be under Robert De Niro's name so you rock up to Nobu and go two for Robert De Niro please because he sent a message through the production office to my agent

to say you can do that and here's the other thing my all time favourite movie is Godfather Part 2 Gary McKendry who was the director of Killer Elite I'd been out one night

boozing with Gary it was the night De Niro committed to doing the film too I was out with the director wow we got a call and we started the night De Niro committed to doing the film too I was out with the director wow we got a call and we started talking

about De Niro films because he was as excited as I am I was like oh my god you got De Niro for a movie and so when I couldn't come down De Niro first of all

sent the invite come down and have lunch with me at set but I couldn't we were shooting the first season of Offspring at the same time so I couldn't go down but anyway

doesn't matter get him in Offspring so Gary McKendry says oh look Lockie can't Lockie can't go down oh but anyway it doesn't matter get him in um so um gary mckendry says oh look locky can't lucky can't come down he's an irish guy he said lucky can't come down here but listen his favorite movie's got further apart too so tell us a story so we can tell lucky and he said he thought about it for a bit and then he goes you know the scene where vito shoots down for nukes he's got the towel wrapped around the gun and the towel catcher's on fire. Gary goes,

yeah, yeah. He goes, 40 takes. Took exactly 40 takes to do it. Coppola kept dipping the towels into the little thing of petrol just next to the camera and we do another take

until we finally got the shot. So the one you see in the movie, that's the 40th take. You can tell him that. Tell him this as well. I thought in Mad Magazine it should have been called Claude Farber.

Yeah, it should have been. This fucking guy's from Mad. You know, what are you doing? It should have been Cloudfather. What are you doing? It should have been Cloudfather. That's good stuff. Tell him this 20 times already

and he don't fucking listen. He's only a stick his fuck out of the toilet. Now they're fucking listening. You've got him started. You've got him started. He'll do the whole movie. Well, I'd love to do this all day

but I think we really got to wrap this up this has been a marathon session yeah sorry Ed Cavalli, Lockie Hume thank you so much for joining us thanks guys thanks for having us

to the flea pit and good luck with the rent control guy can I plug something please I've got an offer to make the first I don't know how you guys

deal with your audience. Do they email you or do they tweet you? What do they do? Oh, man, they fucking ring me. That's right. Your number was given out. Well, the first... Leave little dolls on their front desk.

The first three humans to get three people to get involved with you in some way, just give an email address. Yep. Then you pass it on to me and I'll send them a voucher so they can watch Border Protection Squad on the iTunes. Oh, nice. Which stars Lockie, Tommy, I mean, the cast is in this. Ryan Shelton.

Ryan Shelton. Peter Hellyer. Ed Cavill. Luke McGregor, Tony Martin. Luke McGregor, Tony Martin. Dave Hughes. Yeah, the list. Hughesy.

Josh Lawson. The list goes on and on and on. Well, all people have been on the show, so everyone knows that. Okay, so similar to what we did with Sam Simmons last week, the post for this episode on Facebook and Twitter, if you share or retweet it on either of them, we'll pick three people at random, we'll send them through to Ed, and that's how you can get your copy of Border Protection Squad.

Yeah, excellent. So if you're on Facebook or on Twitter, if you just share the picture that we put up with the website link and the picture of all of us together and do that. It's that easy. Lucky Hume on Offspring. That's coming back soon, so get ready for that. Give us a scoop. Give us a scloosie on Offspring. What's coming up? Yeah, tell me because

I told my girlfriend that you were going to be on the show and she got very excited. Most women do. Yes. Hey! Very excited about the future of Offspring. Yeah, well, we're about to start. We're halfway through shooting. So we've got a couple more months to go. And you've just got your lips put in.

So Kerry Packer is... My little weird goatee for Offspring. The ghost of Kerry Packer is making an appearance in Offspring. You can't say anything, can you? No, I can't really say anything because A, I don't read the fucking scripts. Yeah, that's true. And B, I'm really drunk when we shoot most of it.

And in fact, when they yell action, I'm normally nodding off. Suffice to say, Offspring fans, there's a lot to look forward to. It's going to be a great season. Nina's working at Mad Magazine this year. We've shipped her out of the hospital. We're all co-editing Mad Magazine. De Niro cameo for a bit of a walk-on. De Niro himself and not just me playing De Niro.

And coming up, what's Offspring going to be called in Mad Magazine? You answer that one. Offspring. Offspring. Slopspring? Offsprung. Yeah, because that would be like super duper, man.

That's lame. Offkey. Do another 45 minutes right now just on this topic. Off key. We've got all our live shows coming up, but you've heard about all the plugs for that at the start of the show, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for joining us, and we'll see you next time.

Good on you. See you, mates.