The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 297 - Charlie Pickering & Demi Lardner

Episode Date: June 14, 2016

International Postage, Medical Tests and Loud Televisions Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Sam Simmons. Carl, Sam is doing his show Not A People Person this very weekend in Melbourne. Awesome, yeah. If you're getting to this straight away, get into it. Get into Sam Simmons. He puts on a one hell of a show. Yeah, June 17th and the 18th at the Athename Theatre in Melbourne and then the next weekend, June 25th in Perth. So if you're in Perth, you've been hearing about our 300th show on June 25th. You're feeling, what sort of comedy can I see on June 25th in Perth. So if you're in Perth, you've been hearing about our 300th show on June 25th. You're feeling, what sort of comedy can I see on June 25th? I'm all the way over

here in WA. Well, you can go to see Sam Simmons at the Regal Theatre. He has promised us that he is going to reenact his favourite Dumb Dumb Club episode live on stage. He's going to do a bit of June Northern on stage. Get the vacuum cleaner out, wrap it around his neck. It's actually not entirely out of his wheelhouse, to be honest. So you can watch that and then you can get on your phone and read what's happening on Twitter at the 300th episode. And Sam Simpsons might come down and fucking knock your block off.

Yeah, what a night. So, yeah, big thanks to Sam for sponsoring these last few episodes of the show. He really wanted to make sure that you guys in Melbourne and Perth got out to see his show. So tickets for those are on sale now at Ticketek. You can go back in the archives and find a couple of Sam Simmons episodes on the Dum Dum Club. He's hiding in the old back catalogue. In the Dum Dum bushes.

And so we've got the 300th episode coming up, Melbourne, or people flying into Melbourne, or people with the capacity to fly to Melbourne. It's on Saturday, June 25th. Big 300 episodes in a massive venue, Tommy. Big old venue. The Croxton. Home to such concerts as Slater Kinney at the start of the year.

Yep. You and I played there. Yep. She had a play in this. Right in Rad Dad's wheelhouse. Yeah. Carnival. Yeah, what's that?

Yeah, that's like a metal. I think they're like a metal pop, metal. they're metal but metal that gets played on triple j oh put it that way all right yeah so they're our support is that what you're saying they're opening for us yeah great awesome and i'm gonna do as because they're on i'm gonna do the whole gig like this oh dad that squealing like that no but that is an actual thing that they do. Oh, really? I think. I don't know. Anyway, June the 25th, the Croxton Hotel, big-ass venue. Out in Thornbury. Very accessible via tram and train for all of you people whinging on social media. And it's opposite massive food court thing.

Food, what do you call it? Food truck park. A food court thing. Yeah. I guess that's not untrue. That's not that call it? Food truck park. A food court thing. I guess that's not untrue. That's not that weird compared to food truck park. That's not a super normal thing. Which is called Welcome to Thornbury? It's called Welcome to Thornbury.

Some real titans of the game down at that place. It's going to be great. Some of the bigger foods out there. You'll see. I'm going to insist that we have like an eight-hour sound check so that we can do lunch and dinner at Welcome to Thornberry. Yeah, yeah, totally. I'll be there.

We're going to get there early just to work out what the fuck's going on. Good ad. Yeah. Yeah, guys, you've still got time. Hey, you know what? Bring some friends down. Introduce people to this show. It's free to get into, like to the show.

What? Not the gig. Not the gig. It's free to start listening to the show. Free to download. The first taste is free, baby the gig. Not the gig. Yeah. It's free to start listening to the show. Free to download. The first taste is free, baby. Yeah. So yeah, yeah.

Oh man, it's going to be, it's filling up quickly. And you can bring along people because we're going to have that many, you know, stars of comedy down there. Yes. Because we're going to do a bit of a stand-up show at the start. Yep. Then a bit of a break, then the potty. Then we've just got the room to ourselves all night.

Yeah. Which we do in there after the gig finishes. Well, I was thinking, I don't know what you, this is an initial plan you were going to do at the drunk cast, but you were going to do a bit of DJing. I love it. Yeah. Let's do it.

Why don't you do some of that? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do a versus DJ set. Track for track. Yeah, all right. All right. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Look, let's actually put this out to social media.

I want to do this. I'm really keen to DJ. But I don't know. Are our crowd into a dance floor kind of vibe? Because that's my nightmare. I get up there and I'm playing good stuff and everyone's just hiding under a table or whatever. That's my nightmare.

Well, put it out there that, look, it's going to be at the end of the gig. So if people don't love it, they can fuck off. Would you hit the floor? Would you stay and hit the floor If I got DJing Are you asking me Or the listeners No I know what you're gonna do You're gonna be drunk in the street

I'll be Under one of those food trucks What a way to go Hit us up What of it Hit us up on the socials If you wanna see DJ Johnny Mnemonic

That's my DJ name Really see DJ Johnny Mnemonic. That's my DJ name. Really? Yeah. DJ Johnny Mnemonic. Wow. Because I jack in. Right.

Let us know if you want to see me play some tunes. If you're going to be DJ Johnny Mnemonic and a lot of people are going to be Keanu reaving. Also, when you're letting us know if you want to hear me DJ, also let us know if you're DTF on that night. Actually, why are we asking people if they want you to DJ? That is surely going to be like, I know this is going to be some positive, but there's a few people on social media that are into us that are just waiting for a chance to go,

fucking you're an idiot. I don't want to hear anything you've got to buy. Thanks for putting the idea in their head. It was in their head. It was in their head. It was in their head. All right. Also, we've got July the 7th, second Sydney Live podcast now on sale.

It's a Thursday evening at the Chippendale Hotel. That has just gone on sale, what, like two weeks ago now? Yeah, it is close. It'll be close to selling out by now. I think I haven't checked it for a couple of days, but it is looking pretty. It's definitely going to sell out. So don't think you can rock up and get in on the door.

It will sell out. The second show on July 10. The first show. The first show. Well, the second show, really. This old dilemma. Chronologically. That's sold out way in advance.

That's why we put this on sale. Once this one's done, that's it. That's it. We can't go anywhere else. Yeah. We've tried. Yeah. Yeah.

You should see some of the emails we've gotten. Yeah, yeah. So get into it, Sydney. And then July 30th, we are up in Canberra at the Old Canberra in our first time in Canberra. Again, that is selling so well. This is great. It's probably, yeah. I mean, you know what?

You just need to check our website. Check our social medias to see when things have sold out because generally when we record these podcasts, they're a couple of days before they come out. So they could well have sold out by then. So always check the Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Make sure, check the website and look, it'll tell you if it's sold out. Yeah. Everything's selling so quickly right now.

This is almost successful, I think, this podcast. You know what? It's pretty close to being a success. I was thinking about it today. We're doing all right. Yeah, we are doing good. I'm looking forward to all the shows. I mean, all the live shows are just getting better and better.

I mean, we keep joking on this about how we have nothing else going on. We have this going on. This is great. I love you, Carl. You know what? Some of these guests should pay us a bit more respect. Some of these guests should pay us a bit of money to come on this guests should pay us a bit of money for getting to come on this thing. Some of them.

I mean, some of them we should pay as well. Okay, that's it. All that stuff. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Also the Patreon. Oh, should we do some Patreon? Let's do some Patreon. Let's do some Patreon.

Let's do the favourite part of everyone's show when I read out a dozen names. People's fingers that were already hovering over that fast-forward button have just started hammering it like there's no tomorrow. Nah, there's some pretty sweet names in there. Just hold off, guys. There's some pretty funny names. Well, you know what?

I'll spice up the names. I'll put in a few fake names just to keep people tuning in, all right? Okay. All right, here we go. I'm going to read out the name and then guess the size of their dick or breasts. No, I'll read the name and then you do the improv, okay? I'll do the name, I'll do the name, and then you say what their middle name is.

Here we go. How about that? Oh, okay. All right. Thank you to Kylie Oldroid. Kylie Newdroid Oldroid. That's very good. Hey, we've never mentioned this,

but this guy does actually sponsor us. He's a patron of the Patreon account, Senator Sam Dastyari. Sam Dirty Dog Dastyari. Oh, you're doing nicknames. That's better. No, that's his middle name on his birth certificate. Oh, all right.

I want you to do that from now on. Nicknames. Wait until that comes out. Nicknames, okay. Yeah, yeah, right. So thank you to Kan Tran. Kan Tran, more like Kan Tran. Kanzy.

Oh, yeah. Kanzy. The Wrath of Kan. Wrathsy. Right. Wrathsy. Wrath of Kan Tran. Yes.

Okay, right. Thank you to Rianne LeBroy. Rianna. That's just a vowel tacked onto her name. Yeah, but Rianna's a famous person. Okay. So that's all right. So Rianne LeBroy.

Okay. Well, you're welcome for the new nickname that you could never have thought of yourself. Thank you to Scott Goddard. Scott Goddard. Scott Godsey. Son of Scott. Son of Goddard. Scott Godsey. Son of Scott. Son of Goddard. He's Jesus.

There we go. Okay, that's something. Thank you to Brendan Humphreys. Humphrey B. Bear. Bearsy. Brendan B. Humphreys. Thank you to Beck Northcote, the original DFF. I know what you want to say, yeah.

Yeah, the original DFF. I know what you want to say, yeah. Yeah, the original DFF, Beck Northcote. If you go back and listen to the sort of unofficial drunk cast from Adelaide last year, yeah, you'll hear. I think Beck has technically been on this podcast. Yeah. Thank you to Laura Ryan. Mm-hmm. That's, gee, that's a tough one. L-R.

Laura Ryan. Laura Ryan. Her name almost runs into each other. Laura Ryan, Laura Ryan, Laura Ryan, Laura Ryan. Laura Ryan. Name almost runs into each other. Laura Ryan. Laura Ryan. Laura Ryan. Laura Ryan. Let's just call you Lauren from now on.

Okay. Lauren. Thanks, Lauren. Thank you to Andrew Goodall. Goodall. Goodsy. You know what? He's sponsoring us.

More like Andrew Greatall. Oh, there we go. Let's upgrade him. See, that's good stuff. All right. Only a few more to go, people at home. Let's rattle through them. Thanks to Ben Nash. Thanks to Cassie Campbell. Thanks to Dean

Siagli or Kiagli. Let's say Siagli. I'm going to back myself. Can he get, because he pops up on social media a lot, I've noticed. Right. I recognise that name. It's a familiar name. Can you get onto, like, I'm just curious to know, how do you pronounce that name? Is it Deanne? Oh no, sorry, it was the other one., how do you pronounce that name? Is it Deanne?

Oh no, sorry, it was the other one. And thank you to Michael Carroll, that'll do. A Christmas Carroll. Fuck. I wish I'd never been born. I'm going to be a scrooge from now on. So, hoodies, t-shirts, all that stuff, from now on,

at our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Enjoy. Hey. Enjoy. Hey, hey. What? What? Look, just to top and tail the Patreon, just so you know, you're getting free episodes, you're getting free magazines, you're getting your name read out like a big boy.

Like, you know, this is like Romper Room. You know, when they look through the window or whatever, you get your name read out. This is the Romper Room podcast. It's a bit more like Romper Stomper to me. Hey, I haven't seen either of those things. As a joke, did the reference work? Did it pay off in any way?

It works. Okay, cool. Because they used to... No, my comment of Romper Stomper. I've never seen Romper Stomper. Oh, yeah, well... Romper Stomper's like a violent film, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

It's a violent and racist film. Yeah, great. I nailed it. Yeah, yeah. Chip in, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You get sweet rewards every month. You get your name torn to shreds by us. You get new nicknames.

You get compared to a neo-Nazi film. The mind that came up with Dasolo is going to get to put a sweet spin on your birthday. So, yeah, guys, littledumbdumbclub.com. Tickets, T-shirts, hoodies, all that stuff. Enjoy this episode with Demi Lardner and Charlie Pickering. Oh, it's a good one. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting across from me is the other half of this program,

Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, we've had a bit of a thread for the last few weeks. You, for the benefit of our guests and for any listeners just joining us, you got a traffic fine the other day, $480 for talking on the phone in traffic. Someone has emailed us because you've been trying to, what have you been trying to do, kind of like offset the cost of that? This is my concept. So I've been trying to – and I believe that other people have tried to do this.

And in my head, I'm going to be the first person to ever do this. I've got a $480 fine. So I don't want to pay for it properly myself. I'm going to trim my everyday expenses. And I've got my little notebook right here where I've written all the little savings that I've made. So like say if I walk to work yesterday and usually on the walk to work I get a big box of chips from KFC. I did not do that and I wrote in my little notebook $4 savings.

So, that's what I'm creeping up. But, like, by not eating KFC chips on the way to work every day, you're extending your lifespan. Yeah. Which is more money that you're going to have to spend in the future. So really, this is just negatively affecting you. Well, you're thinking big picture. I'm not a big enough boy to think of that. Well, we've got an email during the week, someone who's prepared to let you off the

hook here. Oh. What do you think about this? Hey, Carl, I will donate $480 AU to a little dum-dum club, which I'm assuming he means for your fine, if you agree to ship me some yellow chocolate mousse to the USA. What? So if you can work out.

Our sponsor, yellow chocolate mousse. Yeah, our sponsor, yellow chocolate mousse. This guy listens in the States. He hears about it all the time. He can't get his hands on it. If you can work out a way to get him some through the mail. Oh, wow. He's going to cover the fine for you.

Jesus. What do you think about that? I think a lot about that. I think it's great. I kind of think shipping a dairy food through the mail is probably going to cost you close to that amount anyway. Yeah. And you know what?

Yellow chocolate mousse doesn't have preservatives in it. So that could be a bad thing in this way. He didn't say anything about it having to be in perfect quality when it turns up. Do you know what I mean? He can get this rotting... For 500 bucks, you'd probably want that. Hey, that's on him. We'll get the Dum Dum Club lawyers onto this.

In nowhere in the terms and conditions does he say it has to be edible when it turns up. Because, yeah, it's refrigerated. Okay. All right, look, let's look into this. Let's brainstorm this. Let's get our guests in here. First of all, you know her from the podcast We Are Not Doctors. Please welcome back into Little Dum Dum Club, Demi Lardner.

Yay! Hey, friends. How you going? Yeah, I'm great. Have you got any experience sending dairy to different continents? I don't send mail. I'm not sure how it works. Oh, you don't? No. I download my moose. Do millennials not go near the post

office? I know. I don't know. I eBay. I get things in my post box so I just put letters in there and they'll take them away. That used to be a thing. Really? Yeah.

Why is that not a thing anymore? I don't know. Yeah. What the hell? Why did we get rid of that? I mean the postie's turning up there anyway. Yeah. Stupid.

So he doesn't have to have as many bags. I'm sure people will hit us up about this but is that still a thing? Can you still do that? Hey, there's another person in this very room who might know. You know him from the weekly. Please welcome back into the little Dumb Dumb Club, Charlie Pickering. Hi, guys. I've also recently taken over as CEO of Australia Post,

so I'm happy to field any questions you might have. What have you got? I have a question. Yes, absolutely. What's a male? A male has a penis. Like a big boy? It's like a big boy, yeah.

Yeah, right. No, so a male is, do you know what? Like I am, as I am CEO of Australia Post, I will say this. Male is magical, right? Oh, yeah. People like to talk down my company, Australia Post, right? People like to criticise it, whinge, say it's wasteful, say that it doesn't do its job well.

I'd like to see you get a letter from Melbourne to Perth for a buck without us. How are you going to use it? You've got a fucking teleporter that I don't know about? We are a miracle on a daily basis. We get shit from here to there. Cheap as fucking chips, man. I'd like to see you get moose from here to America for under $4.80.

Yeah, that's right. I mean, I'm going to work on that. Yeah, Mr Pickering, what would you say a channel's best bet of getting moose refrigerated, cold, edible over to the United States? I mean, obviously his best bet would be to take control of his life and just pay the fine. But if we're going to do this international moose exchange program, I would say, look, his best bet, in my opinion,

would be not to use the mail because that just has bad idea written all over it. I would recommend asking someone who works for an international airline to take it there for you packed in ice because I think if you packed it in ice over a 24-hour period, you could transport moose. Like a liver transplant. Exactly. Find someone who's getting that done and just piggyback off the back of that.

That's right. Chuck it in with the liver. In the esky, yeah. That's great. It's a moose transplant. Yeah, you'd probably get a liver for cheaper than $4.80. Like that'd probably be the more expensive item. Depends where, depends on the liver.

Is this out of the knowledge that you have as your position of CEO of Australia Post? You also know the going rate of a liver? Is that... What, to transport? Yeah. Or do you want like how quickly? No, just buying. Do you want to go Express Post or do you have three to five working days?

I reckon I've got a bit of time, yeah. What about liver? Got a bit of time? Seriously, four bucks for a parcel package. Four bucks, wow. Yeah, you probably want some bubble wrap. Yeah. How much does send a liver C-mail?

C-mail, oh, you want to ship? Yeah. It's about the same really. It's about, if you're going overseas, I mean it's about 12 bucks right you know just ship it yep ship it depends on the ship if you're not that fast about getting a liver quick just see male yeah and in my experience people aren't in that much of a hurry to get a liver oh you know people are like hey i'll wait you know it's gonna be worth the wait a liver the chance to live beyond christ. I'm happy to wait for that. I'm happy to wait for that experience.

I'm not going to have a drink tomorrow. I'll have a drink in a few months. I'll deal with it then. I'll process it then. Yeah, I mean, I think we'd all like a good excuse to not drink. Yeah. So, well, on this theme, on the old fine theme, with listeners sending stuff in,

so I've been keeping my little notebook. At the same time, I did get a text message from, and I have not asked for this, but I got sent from a listener. I got sent from a listener the other day via the fact that my phone number is out there and I get constantly texts and phone calls from listeners all the time, which is thanks to Tommy Daslow leaking my number a number of years ago. If you really had a fucking problem with it, you would have changed your number by now. Yes, we're all the time, which is thanks to Tommy Daslow leaking my number a number of years ago. If you really had a fucking problem with it,

you would have changed your number by now. Really, you just love the attention. You're the first person to say that to him. So, listener, listener Philip Cannon, thank you for sending me $20 via the CommBank app. Oh! Yeah. How did he get your bank details?

You are fucking this close to a Nigerian prince right now. Yeah. But you are a scam. No, I have not asked for any of this. This guy sent it out of nowhere. He – Dear good sir, help, my name is Carl Chandler. Do you know what's really funny about that is the level to which the listeners of this podcast think you are incapable of taking control of this situation yourself.

Like there is a level of pity going on here that is extraordinary. Well, that's five minutes after it happened. He's on this very podcast bitching about it. So I don't blame them for thinking that. Yeah, well, look, anyway, what I'm trying to say is I didn't ask for any of this money. Thank you for sending offers and actual money. But I didn't actually know you could just have access to a phone number

and send that phone number money. Yeah. Like that's what he's done. Yeah, that's weird. So that's now my skyrocket. Thank you, Philip Cannon, for $20. So that's gone in the notebook already. That's right there.

That's just such a weird that is your plan to like just cut down on other things, it's just budgeting it's not a plan but also like it just makes me think that like if we went through your finances it'd be like KFC, $20 $700 for

toe rings I'll take it out of that. No, you're right. There's nothing I can cut down. I need all this foot jewellery. Do you have a meeting with your accountant every year just going, can I claim Muppets figurines? Because I have spent $22,000 on Muppets figurines.

No, to pay for this fine I have cut out the account and that's in the book as well. As far as I can tell, that is a smart move. That's what's been holding you back. That bloody accountant. What else have you had in the last... What else have you cut out in the last week? It's all just like...

Chips on the way to work. I could feel these two, as you said that, before they'd been introduced, just writhing around in their seats. There's a lot of chips in here. I was going to say it's like you don't need an accountant to tell you not to have chips on the way to work every day.

You need a doctor to tell you that. To confirm, I am getting chips at about 10 o'clock, 10.30. It's been good. Oh, brunch. Yeah, brunch chips. There's a KFC between here and where I work Are they doing mimosa now?

You drop it Stop into KFC Can I get a big box of chips And just Can you combine orange and champagne Orange juice and champagne Or you don't have champagne I'll bring my own champagne

Can I get half an orange juice please I do normally do a bit of meth on the way into work But fine Kind of cut out all the luxuries I guess And it makes you thirsty though champagne. Can I get half an orange juice, please? I do normally do a bit of meth on the way into work, but fine, kind of cut out all the luxuries, I guess. And it makes you thirsty, though. Makes you so thirsty, the old meth. And then the chips as well, if they've got extra salt. They're a salty chip.

Oh, you'll be dry by the time you get to work. So I'm currently at $80.50. Oh, yeah? In how long? It's like a week. That's pretty good. I mean, that's great. Yeah.

I mean, if you were Koshi, you'd write a column about that. And when I say week, we have recorded the last bunch of podcasts sort of all in a week. Yes. So for people to – when people arc up and start arguing about that. By the time people hear this, you may have clocked it off. Well, I may have clocked it off. Well, I may have sent Moose into a different continent. Yes.

So I could have made an $80 profit by now. One guy emailed us in response to that story and went, oh, yeah, that $480 fine thing. One time I was getting, I didn't read the whole thing because it was an extremely long email. The gist of it was he got a fine from something for the cops. It was like a $1,000 fine. He took it to court and got it argued down to $600.

And then the end of the email was basically him going, but I still had to pay $600. What a bunch of bullshit, right? And it's like that's not the same story. It's not at all. You know when someone will go, oh, yeah, that reminds me of the time I made out with this real hot girl. And it's like it's not like that at all.

We were talking about eggs. We're talking about what you like in an omelette. I said, you know, that sweet chilli tuna, that sweet chilli tuna in an omelette, you wouldn't believe it. It is amazing. And you said it reminds me of the time I made out with a hot girl. It's like someone sent an email and they're like, yeah, I'm aware of the concept of money.

My dad necked himself. Because he ran out of it. Well, your dad necked himself. That reminds me of the first time I had anal sex. It was a pretty full-on funeral, though. What's this memorial where it's just round robin of everyone just getting up and telling every fuck story they've got in the chamber? And space jump.

So what's the weirdest thing you've done for money? I told you, the first time I ever had anything. I just pictured you passing the hat around at your father's funeral. I just pictured you passing the hat around at your father's funeral. So when I was a student, I would sign up for tests that the science and medical department at university were doing. And there were two that were awesome, right? One sounds better than it was. You have a bandage on your finger right now. Is that a holdover from when you did this were awesome, right? One sounds better than it was.

You have a band-aid on your finger right now. Is that a holdover from when you did this? Sorry, what? You have a band-aid on your finger right now. Is that an injury from... I still go and do it. I never take a little fiscal opportunity for granted. So one was they got a small amount of marijuana from the police. Wow.

Like they signed it out from the federal police and they were doing testing of smoking marijuana and driving their simulator, their car simulator. Oh, my God. And it turns out it's like every stand-up routine you've ever heard. You're driving really, really slowly. It's like it is exactly what you think would happen when people get stoned and drive.

Were you paid to do this at all or were you just getting stoned and going to time zone playing Daytona? To be fair, second and third year. Could have been anything. That one, the pay wasn't great. But the pay was great for another one that I did.

The pay is just a bonus though. You're getting free marijuana. Yeah, that was just fun. I did that entirely for this moment telling the story. But the other one that I did, which was just fun. I did that entirely for this moment telling the story. But the other one that I did which was less fun but more memorable was I smoked a lot. I smoked a lot of cigarettes back at uni and then I saw this sign up and it was for they needed people that smoked to come in and participate

and they were doing a study into the effects of smoking on sleep patterns, on like circadian rhythms and stuff like that. And in particular, for those curious, melatonin secretion. So if you smoke cigarettes, does it affect how much your brain secretes the hormone that helps you sleep? So what the test was is I had to go in there four Fridays in a row and I had to be awake for 24 hours smoking at my regular rate for 24 hours.

Wow. Right? And my regular rate was pretty impressive. Like I was not quite chain smoker but I really smoked a lot back at you. Geez. Per hour? What were you – I don't know per hour. Like I was not quite chain smoker but I really smoked a lot back at young – jeez. Per hour? What were you – I don't know per hour.

I was smoking two packs a day. So I was smoking – While you were awake. While I was awake. I guess that's in a 16-hour period. Right. I would smoke 50 – Holy shit.

Jesus. 40 to 50 cigarettes. Oh my God. I was right into it. Turns out it did not make me cooler. That was a massive error of judgment. So what happened with this test, right? You had to take in your own food of what you were going to eat,

but it was a really strict list of what you could eat because it couldn't affect your melatonin secretion. So what would affect that? Sleeping tablets. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Amphetamines, yeah. Chips. It was like simple cheese sandwiches and some fruit and that was it.

And they measured the amounts that you ate so that it was at almost just a constant background level of caloric intake. If they're going to be so strict about what you can bring in to eat, why don't they just supply it for you? Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, that's so weird. That's a really good point, but I was getting paid handsomely.

And are they giving you the darts? I got a small allowance to buy darts. So, yeah, they covered the cost of the darts. I had to buy them myself. I like the idea that they're sort of going, you've got to be careful about what you eat whilst you smoke cigarettes constantly for 24 hours. Yeah, but you should say like the releases I had to sign to do it

were extraordinary, right? But for that, I think I got paid something like 400 bucks every time I did it, which for a day's work is pretty amazing when you're a student. That's a lot of money when you're a student, right? But here's the thing. That's a lot of money for all of us now. Yeah.

But the thing about – a lot of money for all of us now Yeah But the thing about Where it got really annoying was Hour 22? Yeah, all of it No, once an hour I had to spit into a little test tube That they would seal up And they would measure my melatonin secretion from that But for 24 hours I had to have a rectal thermometer.

So I had a rectal thermometer for 24 hours. Fuck the 400, I'll do it for free. And so I sat there and I smoked for 24 hours and I'd signed up for four weeks of it. And how hot did your arsehole get? About the same as today. And so I did it and it really like I left a piece of me behind. But it was really hard.

It was physically very hard to do that. I felt so sick afterwards. Like I imagine you're on the verge of nicotine poisoning at that stage. It was terrible for me. And once the nurse is over the joke of you going, hey, maybe buy me dinner first next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it's really hard to keep going.

So were you in some sort of sealed room as you were doing this? It was in like a darkened. No ventilation. It caught smoke. It was in like a darkened room with about five beds, like dorm style beds. And so it was me and about four other people doing it. Oh, so you were hanging out with four other people? Yeah, four other people.

That made it weird. So we're all just sitting there with rectal thermometers going, how are you doing? No, but it's like there's no fucking shame because you're all as desperate as each other, right? What are you going to do with your $400? And I was like, well, I'm definitely going to text $20 of it to Chandler to pay for his fucking fine.

I'm going to buy myself a thermometer. I'm going to pay a doctor to remove a chunk of my brain that remembers this moment. This is where my resilience really fucking paid off. Did it for one week, came back the next week and everyone except for one other person had pulled out. They couldn't handle it. And it was just me and another person,

which it's weirder when it's just you and another person. It goes very isolated and strange. The big brother of anal thermometers. Yeah, that's exactly right. It's starting to sound like one of those radio contests where the last person with their hand still on the car wins a Nintendo. Yeah.

And the PD just drives off in the car. Got him So anyway That was That was like one of the most awkward 24 hours of my life Because you can't talk You can't spend 24 hours with a complete fucking stranger And no one else in the room Like it is the weirdest experience

It's a non-stop smoko You've got to kill time and chat Yeah yeah Awkward smoko So anyway This is worse than that five minutes five minutes with Debbie from Accounts. And then the next week, I rock up and that person had pulled out. I cannot help but take that as a personal criticism.

But it was like – and I don't – You sound like the worst thing about this. Yeah, I know. But here's the thing. They had to abandon the test at that point because it is not a valid scientific study without even a control subject. Like it's just one. Yeah, it's just a study on you.

That's a circus freak act. Like that is just for entertainment once there's just one person doing it. So they said we're going to have to cancel it. But I had a contract and they had to pay me out for the last two weeks. Oh, wow. That's amazing. And it probably shortened my life by about ten years. But that's a sweet $1,600 in points.

I wish they just kept you going. One guy in a dark room by himself darting on for 24 hours straight, getting plowed up the ass once an hour. Like I would want that. Do you know what though? That should be the next Channel 7 digital station. Yeah. They've got like seven mate and then they've just got

seven smoko. Yeah. And it's just a dude in the dark smoking with a thermometer up their butt. It's like how people watch the fish cam on. It's just like soothing. You can turn it on. It's like how people watch the fish cam on. It's just like soothing. You can turn it on. It's like, oh, there's a mate. He's just like me.

I watch less interesting webcams than that. I've got a bit of a thing for watching webcams at the moment. I watch a lot of Thailand webcams. So that's more interesting than what I'm watching. Don't just casually put that on the table. That's not a conversation to be had. You have to specify streets in Thailand. You can't just say Thailand webcams and expect.

Yeah. That's like going, oh, yeah, I'm watching a lot of Belgian snuff films at the moment. There are going to be follow-up questions. Well, I've got my laptop on my lap right now. I'll just give you an example. This is literally what I watch in bed at night. This is what I watch.

There's a webcam there of just the main street of Koh Samui. That's what I'll watch. So, yeah, it gets better than that. There's a webcam there of just the main street of Koh Samui. That's what I'll watch. So, yeah, it gets better than that. That's not a great example. It's pretty quiet. And you also do stuff to your arsehole on the hour. So can I ask what that does for you? I just, it's just a...

Because there are a lot of entertainment options in the world. Yes. That being your choice. Hang on, there's a guy walking by. There the world. Yes. That being your choice. Hang on, there's a guy walking by. There you go. Oh, fuck me. I've never seen that. Jesus Christ.

Also, you're right, Charlie, because once a week this guy will hit me up and go, hey, what's this show like on Netflix? Is it any good? And I've started going, you don't care. You're not going to follow up on any of these recommendations. You're just going to sit in bed and watch your little fucking webcam. So what does it do for you? Is it calming?

Is this your white noise? Yes. It is a bit. I just have a look at it. Do you realise that this, because you're watching it on a computer screen, is the opposite of relaxing for you before bed? Oh, yeah. That watching this is actually making it less likely

that you will have a good night's sleep. Yeah, I didn't think of that. But I do like to look at it. I just love to watch an Asian dude walk along the side of the street. Just then, because it was the guy – like a truck had gone past and then that was the guy who walked into a shop from foreground so he's walking away from you, right? And you're just like, God, I wonder what his face looks like.

Yeah. I mean, I can see the back of his head but that could be anyone. What's his face look I wonder if he's got a scar Better get over there and check it out It just puts me into the mindset of being on holidays I just like It's just like watching it

It's like I'm there And you've chosen the shittiest vista of a holiday It's like this is a street of It's not like If this was a webcam of a guy Sipping coconut juice from a coconut of a guy sipping coconut juice from a coconut on a beach, that's a Thailand holiday to me. Some poor third world fucker selling you a coconut for nothing, right?

That is a white man abroad, right? That is what that is. This is just like I'm looking at this and going, well, do you know what? Compared to other parts of Thailand, they've upgraded the power poles. They've done well there. That's good. There's a 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven, that's great.

Oh, my God. And there's some chappy walking away from me. Now I'm actually starting to feel pathetic because I'm getting chewed out by the guy who got paid to stick a thermometer up his arse. It's a shame they didn't finish that study so you could say conclusively what is better for going to sleep on, punching darts for 24 hours or watching the Thailand West. Yeah, that's really true.

I'd love to have scientific answers. Although if they'd asked me any questions afterwards about whether the smoking affected my sleep patterns, my answer would definitely have been, I'm pretty sure it's the thermometer keeping me up. Or the thought of like, did those people bail out of the test because of me? Yeah. It's the anxiety keeping you up all night.

So wait, the start of the test there were four of you. Five. Five. And it was going for four weeks. That's ambitious on their part to not get, do you know what I mean? Yeah, to not get a wider spread. Well, quite clearly, quite clearly, it did not appeal to many people

when I said, can you smoke for 24 hours straight? Like even like proper career smokers would go, that's a bad idea. You should have gotten their fee when they bailed out if they had to pay you out anyway. But also, can I ask this? It should have been like poker.

Yeah. I should have got the pot. Yeah. That's a really good point. But can I ask this? Omaha, high, low? Because they've budgeted for it anyway. Yeah.

So they've pulled out. They're not getting their whole fee for that, surely. I was just going to say, were you in that much need of that money? Like, am I wrong in saying this? Do you come from a well-to-do family? Is your family doing all right? No, my family are fine and I've had a very comfortable upbringing but my parents were also – they wanted me to –

Do something with your life, like stick a thermometer up your face. Yeah. No, like I always – like they were very supportive but I also – I've worked since I was in year nine. Like I always had a job I stock shelves at a supermarket I worked at McDonald's I you making notes of this Tommy or fuck you but so I like I so I just always worked and then at uni like well the problem was I was smoking and that got really expensive while I was at uni. The taxes went up. But also I was studying

and trying to do comedy and I didn't have quite enough time to hold down. I'd work on a Sunday in a music shop and that was kind of my main income. And so I would kind of do extra work wherever I could get it to just top it up.

Which would mean that I could be starting to do comedy and stuff like that. So did your parents know that you were doing this? Yeah, my mum and dad thought it was the dumbest thing I've ever done. But then again, it was just at a point where they were just so fucking devastated that I smoked that, you know, they were just like at that point. They probably thought it's that thing where your dad catches you and goes, okay, if you're going to smoke, you've got to smoke this whole pack. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They thought it. And do you know what? Interestingly enough, it was probably only a year after that that I did quit. So it was probably part of the experience of me going, do you know what? I don't think there's a future in this. You kept going for another year after being made to sit in a room and do it for 24 hours straight.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. I'm beginning to think that I come off looking stupid. Demi, what was your – have we talked about this on the show before? Let's get back to my webcam. What was your first job? My first job was I worked at Hungry Jack's and I was really shit at it and one day I didn't want to go in so I called in and I was like,

I'm not coming in ever again. And instead of going to work, I went to see Paul Blart Mall Cop. It's a tough call. Yeah. It's a tough call. Cleaning the fry vat at Hungry Jack's or Paul Blart Mall Cop. Yeah. Oh, it's pretty close.

It's a tough call watching Paul Blart Mall Cop or sticking your head in the deep fryer at Hungry Jack's. Yeah. Well, for people who are regular listeners and donate to our Patreon, you'll know that I do a bit of illustration here and there. I got a day's work the other day. An ad agency hit me up and they wanted me to come in and do some illustrations for a campaign they were doing,

which is pretty cool. Is that your first job? Yeah, my first ever job. That's your first job? My first ever job, yeah. Last week someone asked you to draw some pictures. Hamburgers on the menu for Hungry Jacks. Don't act so surprised.

So I was like going, how did these guys, because they just got at me through my website. I was like, I want to have these guys, you know, found out about me. I go in there, the guy who emailed me, he's a listener of this show, right? Oh, really? Which is hilarious to me that we're now getting more, this podcast is generating more work for us from the listeners than it is from the actual comedy industry. Like no one who runs gigs is getting us to come and do this.

It's just listeners going, hey, I'll pay you $400 to put some dairy in the mail for me. Can't mow my lawn. This bloke that just sent me 20 bucks on my phone, that's officially more money than I've ever got from Channel 9. Yeah, man, we'll do anything. I'll come and mow your lawn in a tutu. I don't give a fuck.

Anything that the listeners want us to do, we're up for sale at this point. But yeah, I went in there and it was good. It was one of those it was like, I've seen this a couple of times in offices where they've just got like the one, like music just piping through the whole office. About an hour in, Tom Jones' sex bomb came on

over the speaker. Which I was just sitting there going, this feels weird to be listening to such a like sexual song in an office at like 10 in the morning. This feels very weird. Nine-inch nails closer to follow with that,

just like to really build the sexuality of the room. But, well, it got a minute in and I'm thinking this, going this is pretty weird, and then all of a sudden, skip to the next track. So someone at reception's going, we fucking can't have this. Oh, bloody hell. Creatives started jacking off again. But it reminded me, I can't remember what it was for i was in an office a while ago and because you know like i guess a lot of offices now would use spotify as they're like to play

music through reception or whatever and so spotify is like you pay a monthly fee to stream as much music as you want or you can just get it for free. But you can't skip as many tracks as you want and there's ads in it everywhere. Get ads, yeah. Same with Pandora. Yeah. And I was in an office once in the waiting room and they had Spotify going but it was the free version

and they just had ads come up. Yeah. Isn't that a weird thing for an office to like, what a bad message, you know what I mean? Like we're not going to bother to pay for Spotify. Yeah, yeah. That's such a weird thing to… My gym used to have that as well. Right, right. What a bad message You know what I mean Like we're not going to Bother to pay for Spotify Yeah That's such a weird thing to My gym used to have that

Right It's like Are you not doing that well It's like $9 a month Especially in the gym Because it's like Well aren't I paying you for this Yes

And you're not even going to Pay for the music properly Yeah but maybe like That means the people In the office can make More demands Because they're like You'll pay to not have ads

On Spotify Pay for hat day. Oh, okay. It's a power move by the CEOs. Okay. At the same time, though, like there are plenty of workplaces who would have, say, Gold FM on and that has ads. Did you?

And you get it for free and it has ads. Yeah. It's just fucking, by the way, it's just fucking radio. Calm down, everyone. No! Like it's just fucking radio. It's just fucking radio Calm down everyone No Like it's just fucking radio Just radio And also by the way

YouTube Now that there's ads It's just fucking TV guys Yeah yeah Let's all just calm down It's just fucking TV When you can't skip it God I'd rather kill myself

Are you I mean that's You know By the way if you are Having any trouble Call Lifeline Yeah 13 Don't worry We embed the number Into the episode if you are having any trouble, call Lifeline.

Don't worry, we embed the number into the episode. If you are having trouble, don't listen to this podcast. This podcast is the trouble in your life, I dare say. Are you getting music? Surely you would have got music piped into your smoke room. Were you getting it? No, we had VHS, like we had videos, so you could bring in Videos to watch

Oh okay And that was That was pretty weird Because there was then like When it was just Me and another person Yeah yeah A lot of pressure

On the suggestions Yeah Suggested movies You know like Couldn't be two Like when it's Yeah because the one before We each got to pick

Like two movies Right With this it was like It was very intense Like we're just going movie for movie Each choosing a movie Oh that'd be great If you've just brought one each in

And he's brought in Driving Miss Daisy And you've brought a porno in You're like Hey I found a bootleg copy of Ken Park Let's check it out The weird thing was I jacked off to Driving Miss Daisy Oh that Morgan Freeman

Yeah That deep voice. Yeah. Back then, sure. Hey, Demi, I drove us both over here. Yeah. And you got an Uber to my house. I did.

And you turn up at my house and you're like, hey, check out what just happened. Yeah. And I go, you've got to save this. Yeah. I heard the opening stanza of this. Yeah. So tell us what happened. Jesus Christ.

I got in the, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. But like I got into the Uber. Can you save it till now? How do you open with this? to, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life but like I got into the Uber Can you save it till now? The guy, I got into the Uber and he was just super nice and happy and stuff and he was talking to me and then he demanded that I freestyle rap for him. What?

What? Why did he? Not part of the This is why you've got to read the terms and conditions of Uber. I know I had no idea. And then he started rapping for me. Was there any build-up to this? Was this just out of the blue?

We were just chatting and I was like, how long have you been doing Uber for? And he was like, guess. And I was like, a year. And he was like, oh, my God. And he gave me a mint because I guessed a year. Well, you get them anyway. Yeah.

And how long has Uber been going? A year? Yeah. But it was just like, I don't know, it was fun and he was nice and then he was like, all right, rap. And I was like, wait, what? So were there like GoPros and shit set up? Because I have hosted a quiz show on wheels before

and this sounds like an evolution of that. This sounds more like a Tonight Show on wheels in an Uber. Cash Uber. Yeah. Is this why you were late to my house because you've just gone around the block trying to finish up this yeah because i got on like a mad flow and i was just like no no this is good so what did you um did you did you do it uh eventually i did but it was like real shit like he did you say the n word

listen i didn't but he was a person of colour and he was like doing a beat. He was like, all right, I'll do it first. You do a beat for me. You do a beat for me. And he said it so many times. And I was like, what am I supposed to follow up with? So I have a question about that.

Can I ask like a point of etiquette there? Do you know what his background was? Like could you have a guess? Like you said a person of colour. That's a very broad term. It doesn't come up on the app, Charlie. It doesn't go like Toyota, licence plate. I mean his photo would be on the app.

Okay. Do you want me to? Have you been asked to rate his service yet? No. So if you open the app, it will pop up and we will see a photo of him. All right. His name was. What if the photo is just Demi in blackface? Yeah, pretty bad.

His name was Sharaf. Yep. And can I please have a look at Sharaf? Okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm happy to guess African. Yeah. Like I'll go a continent and say that he is African.

Yeah. Yeah, go a continent. I'm still, well. Chad? Yeah, I mean, possibly. Yeah. I choose not to pursue that line of questioning anymore. Oh, God.

But what I would say is this. I would love to know because I feel like the N word is very much associated with the African American experience do you know what I mean? That is the vocabulary of slavery, if you know what I mean and I therefore find it a bit

strange like I don't know if, has that been common outside the American experience? Do you know what I mean? So what I was saying like is it like is him using it, is that like, hey, man, I think I need to know a bit more of your narrative to know if that's all right or am I not entitled to ask that question?

This is an awful rap, by the way, Charlie. It doesn't rhyme. I just spoke a word, mate. Poetry slam, bitch. Say all of that again but you do the big thing. You never announced your name and what you were here to say. Which is what I opened with. Did you?

Yeah, I did. And what were you here to say? My name's Rappin' Demi and I'm here to say. What were you here to say? Your name's not Rappin' Debbie It's just Debbie It's quicker to get to Tommy's if we go on King's Way My name's Rappin' Debbie and I'm here to vocate

Can you take me via the Westgate? Oh man I wonder if he's doing that to everyone to vocate, can you take me via the West Gate? Oh, man. I wonder if he's doing that to everyone. See, this is my thing with Uber. I reckon, you know, once you get someone, you see their photo, you rate them and then they're gone. And if something real bad happens, sure, you can chase it up. You should be able to favourite an Uber driver.

If you get someone who you really love, you should be able to star them. Do you know how really fascinating when you book one, they go really love, you should be able to star them. Do you know what I'm really wondering? When you book one, they go, oh, I remember him. He's cool. Because I've been wondering, you know how you review them. That has no effect on your user experience of Uber at all because you always just get the one that's closest that accepts it. Do you know what I mean?

Like you don't, you know, when you go to Uber, get a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no fucking filter. It's just like, oh, this guy's down? You know when you go to Uber to get a car? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no fucking filter. It's just like, oh, this guy's down the road. There you go. But they see your rating and if you've got a dodgy rating, they can go, oh, three stars. This guy looks like trouble.

I won't pick him up. So it might take you longer to get a car. Users have a rating as well. So if they think you're shit, they won't get you. Okay, but I don't get that choice with them. I go book a car, car pops up. Because if they drop below 4.8 or something, they won't get you. Okay, but I don't get that choice with them. I go book a car, car pops up. Yeah, because if they drop below 4.8 or something, they get kicked out.

Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. I've been given four stars. Oh, boy. Brutal.

No, because it's like, fuck, no, four stars for a comedy festival show, that's a solid show. That is it. You've got to be clear about it. I'm not going to. Five stars is fucking Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Daniel Kitson. Like that is, you know, Stuart Lee is five stars. Just, oh, you gave me a mint.

I'm sorry. I need more narrative than that. I need to know something bad happened in your childhood. Did your mum get cancer? What's your story? Have you got some PowerPoint? I'm not just going to throw around five stars. You want every Uber ride to end with them going,

and that's when I realised I love my dad. Yeah, that's right. Yes, guys, tell your friends. If you didn't like the Uber ride, tell someone you hate. That's when I realised let Ligons be Ligons. And that's when I realised that in a way Uber is just like a taxi. You're right. Good night, everyone.

And then they read the comment that you left them and they're like, reads like a five. Yeah. Reads like a five. Who writes a comment? Seriously? Is this going to change how you write now? No, they've got to change their system.

I'm sorry. I'm like, since when has five stars been satisfactory? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So how do you say something's good? Yeah, exactly. Jack, like give them a blowjob? Like I gave you five stars, it's just not enough.

Can you just stop saying the N word for a minute so I can get down to business? I was in an Uber the other day and this guy dropped me off and then he like forced me to sit in the car and show him that I was giving him five stars. Yeah. He was like, look, I gave you five stars now. No, no, no, don't get out of the car. Like he was super weird about it and then he made me give him five stars

and then I got out of the car and went redo star rating and gave him one and I was like, fuck this guy. He was a piece of shit. That made me feel really uncomfortable. Fuck, I didn't know you could do that because I had the same thing happen but the guy locked the doors. Yeah. Locked me in the car.

Yeah. And he's like, show me. Show me that you're doing five. I'm like, well, this is definitely not five-star behaviour, my good man. Yeah. I didn't know you could go back and scrub it. I don't think you get how reviews work. Yeah.

Yeah. Reviews are my opinion of your service. Yeah. Not your opinion of what you'd like. This is more like being held hostage. Do you know what would be great though? Do that with your festival show. Okay, lock the doors.

Yeah. Lock the doors. Now you're here from the Herald Sun. I want to see you submit a five-star review. I'll give you a fucking mint and a bottle of water. You better give me a five-star review. What about this? I'll say this. We're

in my house. We're in my house at the moment. It's sitting on four stars at the moment. Wait, hey, just quickly. I need to follow up on this. What did you rap about? It was mostly declaring my name, saying what I was there to say, then talking about how like Pingu and Gumby were made out of clay. Anything

that rhymed would say. That's pretty much what I said. Did you say gay? Sure. Did it come out? Yeah, and then he kicked me out of the Uber. There's not a lot of coming out in rap songs, is there? No.

That would definitely be. Hang on, what is the – there's a movie. There's a movie or TV show... Oh, 8 Mile? No. No, the interview. It's the interview where Eminem comes out as gay in the interview. Yeah.

That's one of the funniest things going around. I thought that was really good. Yeah. Wait, what? The movie, the interview, the Seth Rogen, James Franco movie. Oh, right. And when they're setting up James Franco's rare gift as an interviewer to get people to reveal things about themselves that they don't want to say.

Oh, right. There is a shot of an interview with Eminem where he comes out as being gay in the interview. Yeah, and he just really offhandedly goes, yeah, it's because I'm gay. Yeah, and he asks him about, I think he's asking him about homophobic lyrics that he's done. He goes, yeah, yeah, it's a defence mechanism because I'm gay. And it's really like that.

Anyway, so anyone else seen a movie they like? You've got to see Whiplash, man. It's so great. Oh, fucking Whiplash. Yeah, it's great. It really is great. It made me really want to harass someone learning an instrument. I don't know if I took the right message from that movie

because I never saw that muck of the fucker play a note in the movie. He just stood there going, better, do it better. He gets the best fucking musicians in the planet in a room and they go, we're going to play Whiplash. Shit, bang, do it better. No, fuck you and your trumpet. Like, I could do that. I could just go, I don't like it enough.

Make it better for my ear. Start doing that at the weekly. You know, people come in, the writers pitch jokes. Eh, not my tempo. Get the fuck out. Demi, rap better. I told my parents to go and see it. My parents see like one movie a year and I recommended that to them

because I thought it was so great. And then I followed up with mum and I go, how did you like it? And mum was like, I really enjoyed it. That night your dad kept waking up in the middle of the night screaming so I don't know if that had some kind of bad effect. I'm like, oh wow, I'm really sorry and mum just really offhandedly goes if it wasn't that it would have been something else.

It's just like so casual. Oh god. So not a jazz fan. You need to get dad on the 24 hour dart diet and see how that affects the night terrors. Sort him right. Give him something to scream about. I'll be mum putting the thermometer in while he's asleep, to be fair.

Well, this is what happened the other night. We were in my house at the moment. I had nearly a week to myself. My girlfriend went away for business, for bidness. So I had the run of the house to myself. My girlfriend went away for business, for bidness. So I had the run of the house to myself. I don't know if I'm probably responsible enough to have the run of my house to myself, to be honest, given what happened.

I was sitting here and I had some late nights because I was like, you know what? I can go to bed whenever I want now. I'm the boss of myself now. I can stay up and watch as much TV as I want So you think your girlfriend is like the boss of you Yes You're not allowed to have fun when she's around

Yes Is that basically what you're trying to say? Wow you're really holding court on this one aren't you? Okay You refuse to be caught out on the technicality here You're just doubling down Okay cool Yes let's say all that stuff

So I'm watching TV and whenever I got up loud And then I go You know I'm going to start to think About going to bed It's like one o'clock One thirty I get the remote The remote doesn't work

The batteries are dead On the remote I'm like okay Fuck you A channel surfing up a storm Yeah Yeah So

What's your move at that point You open the back Just twiddle them around Twiddle around Yeah That fixes everything Do that Take them out Put them back in again I'm like right Okay that's still not working Okay Open the back, just twiddle them around. Twiddle them around. Yeah. That fixes everything. Do that.

Take them out, put them back in again. I'm like, right, okay, that's still not working. Okay, where do we keep the batteries? I have no idea. I don't have any of that information. We don't have any batteries in the house. And I literally start to go, right, this is what's actually happening. My TV is up really loud.

I can't turn it off. I've got to go to bed. How am I going to sleep through? I go to bed. I can't sleep it off, I've got to go to bed, how am I going to sleep through? I go to bed, I can't sleep through the TV. You're joking. There's a bit of a life hack here that I think we've all worked out. Yeah. What? Fucking unplug it.

No, but then if I unplug it, when it restarts, I don't know how to set it up again. Turn it off at the fucking, on the unit. No, there's no off switch. Well then, yeah. I bet there is. Can I look now? You have a look.

There's no off switch. Yeah, that'll be it there look now? You have a look. There's no off switch. We're right next to it. That'll be it over there, won't it? Where? That little thing there. No, like if you touch that next to the light. Is that not one? Okay. Yeah, it is.

Yes! She's done it! You fucking idiot. You are a fucking idiot. I didn't know that. It came on immediately. Look at the TV. There's a circle there. Where?'t know that. It came on immediately. Look at the TV. There's a circle there.

Where? The circle with the little line in it. Literally right there. Next to the line. Oh, my God. All right. Well, I've learned something today. I can't wait for the story about how the next morning

there was something wrong with the shower because it was only cold. wait for the story about how the next morning there was something wrong with the shower because it was only cold. Yeah, why don't we get more gigs riding in the TV industry given that one of us doesn't know how to fucking turn one on. I did poops but they didn't go anywhere. When I came back they were still there, the poops

were still there. Did you push the button? No, there wasn't a button. Why would there be a button? There was no battery in the toilet. Batteries ran out on the remote so I couldn't flash it. Fucking kids these days, they just don't get how things work. Fuck me.

I had to get up in the middle of the night and walk all the way down the main street to buy batteries at like 1. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no, no, don't say, just this is how language works. You didn't have to. No, no, no. Don't say, just this is how language works. You didn't have to. No, no, no. That's what you did, like through a series of bad decisions. That's where you ended up.

You didn't have to. There was no pressure on you to do that. For a lack of information. That's like saying I had to wear a hat made out of foil so the government couldn't stand my thoughts. No, you didn't. You chose to do that. I was going to say call up your tests, your medical studies mates

and get them to do an examination on this, but you won't be able to fund a control of five other people this dumb. I just want you and a simian, like just a chimp, facing that test again and seeing who fucking manages it. Well, to be clear, I did have to walk down there because I couldn't drive because my car wasn't working. I let the lights on my car. Did you try turning it on?

Yeah. Yeah. I left the lights on in my car so the battery went flat so then I had to walk down the street. Why can't I just get in my car and say, go, it works for Knight Rider, which is currently blaring on my TV from volume at 3am. Do you know what's really funny?

Well, I think it's amusing. I'm relatively difficult to nail down to do a podcast or a gig for you, right? Yes. And it's because I'm quite disorganised. I'm a bad mixture of busy and disorganised. Yes. It's terrible. Yes.

This whole conversation has made me feel less bad about how hard it is for you to get me to be at a place at a great time. I think everyone listening is having that experience with their own lives. It certainly made me feel better about a lot of my flubs. So you had it on.

It was very loud. You tried to go to bed. How long were you trying to sleep? And you're just living it up with the volume as loud as you want because you don't have someone on the couch going, turn it down. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, I was probably in bed 15 minutes, 15 minutes. And I'm like, well, it's not going to work. I tried closing the door.

That didn't work. What the fuck? Did you? Did you do a bit of like doona over the ears? Was that a... He had to have his doona over his face because he couldn't work out how to turn off the light. And you were like, do you mind?

I'm trying to watch a Thailand street in here. There's a man walking down the street. I can't hear myself think about how I want to see his face. This doesn't make me feel like a holiday at all. You're a paradox. How do you know that webcams exist but not know how to turn a TV off? Yeah. It's bizarre.

I did circle that TV. I did everything but see the circle. I did have a good look. Jesus Christ. I still can't see. The lower right-handed corner. How was that meant to be persuasive? I did circle the TV.

What were we meant to say to that? That makes it worse. Were we meant to go, oh, well, if you circled it, you did all you could, mate. Did all you could. Not your fault. Not your fault. You've done everything right.

You went around it in a circle. Yeah. But as we've said, not knowing that the button is there, if you were that desperate, turn it off at the fucking plug. No, but if I do that, then it restarts up and I never know how to start TVs up and like... What are you talking about? You just turn them on.

But I don't know. If you take the plug out and then you turn it back on, I thought for sure I'm going to have to use the remote at some stage to make it work properly. Yeah, but you go and you get the batteries in the morning and get batteries. Oh, my God. Well, look, if we were all here at 1.30 in the morning.

Parents just don't get it. I guess what I'm trying to say is to my girlfriend, never leave home again, please. Jesus Christ. If she listens to this. She doesn't. Yeah, I hope not. No, but like it's either so endearing or fucking horrifying

for her. she would confidently expect to come home and find you dead from a foolish household accident. This has got to be the thing that makes you finally propose. Like, look at you. You can't cope on your own at all. That's not a good showcase.

Is that the only reason you haven't bought the ring out yet? Because you've got it in the box. You just can't work out how to open it. Nah, it's fucked. It's fucked. I'm going to have to go buy a new one. I circled it. I circled it.

If only there was batteries for this ring, maybe we could make it happen. Just for the listeners, I'm just acting something out. I'm acting Carl fucking circling, just walking around the TV. Yeah, it's like a semi-circle at best. Fuck it. It's backed up pretty tight to the wall, so I like to imagine that he's getting right,

he's climbing fully all the way through it. Yeah. Nah, can't be done. Can't be done. I'm off to the shops. You couldn't laugh at it. Nah, nah, can't be done. Can't be done. I'm off to the shops. You couldn't have given it a dust while you were back there? It was sort of like 2001 A Space Odyssey where the monkeys were like going up to that big black.

Oh, the monolith. The monolith at the start. It was sort of like that. I tried screaming at it. That didn't work. And did you turn on yourself the way the monkeys did? Did you have a big fight? Oh no

What an awful thing to say About the monkeys It's fucking great But it was that horrible thing Where I went down to Coles In the middle of the night And then I get down there and go Oh I don't know

What the fuck batteries This remote takes Oh my god Wow Wow Jesus And then the cashier's Like making you rap and stuff

We don't accept currency Wow. Jesus. And then the cashier's like making you rap and stuff. We don't accept currency. So you know who's Carl and who's me, say? The volume on my TV is turned up all the way. Oh, wow. I just feel just everything that happens after today is a bonus. I just feel anything I get done today is just going to be, you know. Just it's amazing. Like I found it odd that people were sending you donations

to help you pay your fine. But this paints such a picture of sympathy from the listener for you and your inability to handle life. Like I imagine doing World Vision ads for you. You're just going, this is Carl. He is an adult man. How old are you? What's your age?

40. 40! This is Carl. He's 40 and cannot turn a television on. Off. Off. Be fair. Give me a little bit of credit.

Fuck. See, I'm the opposite of you, Charlie. This just raises more questions. How did you get that $480 fine for talking on your phone? How did you work out how to turn the fucking phone off? Yeah. Hey, look, I'm good at what I can do. I don't know everything.

He had to be talking because he could only make one phone call in his life because then he's making it forever. He doesn't know where the stop button is. Actually, yeah, that explains it. The cops pulled him over and was like, Officer, I don't want to be doing this. I called mum four years ago and I just might have worked out how to end the call. My girlfriend's away.

To be fair, it was pretty hard for him to pull me over because I'm like, I can't turn this thing off. This is like speed. This is like the bus in speed. Officer, I will pay the fine if you can help me hang up and if you can show me where second gear is. Because normally my girlfriend changes the gears for me. You're OJ in the Bronco.

You're just like on the trailer. Trailer comes behind you. We think he's going to his house. We know which one that one is because we can hear the TV from here. Hang on, now he's just doing circles of his house. I circled it. Oh man, you genuinely can't be left alone. Don't understand. I think we need

to work out a roster system for the rest of the day. I've got uni at three, so if one of you can be here until then. Alright, I've got nothing on. Don't leave me alone, guys. I'm busy smoking. Well, I think we've done a full circle of this podcast. We should probably wrap it up. We've done a circle of it.

Yeah, we did a circle. Nothing can be done. We circled it. There's nothing more to be done. Best I could do, mate. I'm all fixed. Good. I've got new batteries in me.

I'm all fixed. Good. Demi Ladner, Charlie Pickering, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having us. Demi, have you got stuff coming up that you would care to plug? I've got some stuff coming up, but it's on my website, just demiolana.com and my little Facebook page and stuff. But yeah, listen to We're Not Doctors.

It's a fun time. Podcast that you do with Bart Friedan? Podcast that I do with Bart Frobenz. And how would I get a podcast on there? I don't know. This one has to go forever. I can't stop. Sorry, doing a how to get podcasts

In a podcast Yeah It's like Mike Hammond On Foxtel Doing the how to use your Foxtel box Yes And it's like If you found the how to channel

Yeah You've pretty much got this shit covered That used to drive me insane When I was a kid Yeah I've never worked that out So good Yeah

Charlie What have you got? I'm just watching season six of Mike Hammond doing how to do. It's probably my favourite season of Mike Hammond doing how to use your Foxtel box. I'm doing a gig for Chandler. Oh, yeah. On the Thursday night at the European Beer Cafe coming up. Yep.

So I've got that. I'm doing a gig at the Suki Lounge coming up. Go check that out. I don't know where to find that sometime. Is the weekly back this year? Your TV show? I think we might have something towards the end of the year. Might have something else, but nothing I can really...

Yeah, yeah. Keep watching. Hey, look, you know what? I'll just keep it on the ABC and the TV on flat out until you come up. Yeah, not by choice. This won't come out until like three weeks after we've recorded it. So will it have been announced by then? No.

Okay. But I'm just trying to think if I like, you know, no, that'll do. Okay. Charlie Pickering on Twitter. If you get on Twitter and follow Charlie underscore Pick. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah.

No, just Charlie Pick. Oh, Charlie Pick. Yeah, I got in early. Yeah. And then I thought probably should have just done my name. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah. No, just Charlie Pick. Oh, Charlie Pick. Yeah, I got in early. Yeah. And then I thought, probably should have just done my name. Yeah. You still can. Yeah, no, it's probably someone else now.

It doesn't matter that much. Well, you know what? This is famously, we've talked about this a lot on the podcast, but I had carlchandler.com. This will blow you away, but I let it lapse. What? Yeah. And so then it got bought. I didn't think you could turn things off.

No, someone else turned it off for it. So very quickly, it then got cyber squatted. Someone got on there and was selling fake Air Jordans on there for two years. How much? I never bought a pair, I have to say. I felt wrong paying money to someone who owned my own domain. So not buying them, that's money that you save that can count towards the traffic fund. Oh, bang, I'll put that in the notebook.

Excellent. So now, apparently I've been hit up a lot lately. It is lapsed. Someone still owns it, like the actual sort of squatter still own it. They're trying to sell it at the moment. Carl, if you want to get on there and buy it for yourself, guys, at home, carlchandler.com, it'll set you back US $2,000. Jesus.

Wow. $2,000 to get carlchandler.com. It's a real fixer-upper, that domain. Yeah. Oh, man. This is, once again, a thinly-veiled attempt to solicit donations from the listeners. No, no, no. You just say what you've done.

You've done the sob story about how bad you are at things. And then you go on, I've got this problem in my life and only money could solve it. Yeah. And I'll just leave that there. No, I want to say I'm in the midst. I've got carlchandler.com.au back because someone else bought that. Oh, my God.

But I begged that person who owned that to give it to me. So he's given it to me. So now I have that. I'm in the midst of fixing that up. And you'll have all your Carl Chandler needs will be rectified there. That'll be up very soon. But carlchandler.com is out there. I don't want it.

I don't want people giving me money for it. But, you know, I'm just saying it's out there. You are a fucking mess. Don't ever give me grief about how I live my life every day. Oh, no, I will. Because you've got different and more interesting problems than me. I don't know. It's debatable.

Well, you've got different problems. Yeah. Ugh, cancer as a kid. How fucking obtuse. So, anyway, there's that. I really like Carl to be my next of kin of a Vemuron life support. Like, just don't turn me off. Yes.

There you go. You'll live forever. Yeah. As a little veggie. Yay. Yeah, great. We all win. As a little bloody veggie.

As a little vegetable. My name's Rappin Demi and I'm here to say, plan on my bed in a vegetative state. Five stars. We've got our 300th episode coming up June the 25th. We've also got Sydney, July the 10th. Croxton.

Yeah, at the Croxton. Croxton. We've also got Canberra, July 30th. All those selling really well, so don't sleep on it. Get on them right now. We've got t-shirts and hoodies. Don't sleep on it? Who are you, Drake? It's really funny. Oh no, don't sleep on

Dassolo. You've heard my raps in this episode. I basically am Drake. I won't sleep on it. That TV's still blaring. All that stuff at our website, littledumbdumbclub.com which we still miraculously own. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you next. They all said it ain't no more rainy days