The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 301 - Live! Ryan "Fitzy" Fitzgerald, Harley Breen & Ray Badran

Episode Date: July 12, 2016

Jethro's Uber, Queensland Fines and Bug Spray.Recorded LIVE at The Chippendale Hotel, Sydney on July 7, 2016.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, welcome to the Little Dum Dum Club, live from Sydney. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Standing next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler! G'day, dickheads! This episode is being recorded in front of a

live audience at the Chippendale Hotel in Sydney, a venue that is no frills, even by our standards. Alright. This is... I wish people at home could see this. This is great. I hope there's some, you know, up and coming... Cum rags? Yeah. Alright. This is I wish people at home could see this. This is great. I hope there's some, you know, up and coming performers. Cum rags? Yeah. No. I hope

there's some up and coming performers here tonight that you know, if one day you really get popular and you really start getting really good you can be six inches off the ground on stage like us. Anyone got a power cord that doesn't quite reach the power point from where they are? Because this extension cord is just going wanting right now.

This stage, this six inches is what separates the talent from the fucking savages, alright? Fuck, that's what I say to every girl I have sex with. Got her. Thanks for coming out, guys. It's lovely to be here at the Opera House. As soon as we got that rubbish 300 eps out of the way, it's all class from there on in. Oh yeah, this is an

announcement. We put up episode 300 of the podcast this week. This would be episode 301, except that we are wiping the slate clean and we're going back to one. So all the inside jokes that you know and love, they're dead. They're gone forever. Those t-shirts that you have, get rid of them, because we're never saying those phrases ever again. Changing the love, they're dead, they're gone forever. Those t-shirts that you have, get rid of them because we're never saying

those phrases ever again. Changing the name, we're now the Dumb Cunt Society. Let's try out our new catchphrases. I'm Tommy Dasolo, go Trump! Here's to another 300 comrades. This is going to be great. Fuck yeah.

Man, you've really dated this podcast. Really carbon stamped it. Too much topicality. I don't like it. What if some of these people haven't been catching up with the news? They won't know what that means. That's just the sound of everyone going, yeah, he's right. Nice of you to think of future generations of podcast listeners.

It's a level of concern in the room that you don't often get in the Fair Harbour City. We do get archived and put in the National Archive or something, don't we? Oh, yeah, the National Dumb Cunt Archive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The how don't live like these people in the future. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like, you know, they keep dinosaur bones.

Yeah. You know, all the monsters of the past. Yeah. Yeah. The real prehistoric era 40-year-olds. Yeah. Oh, fuck. All right.

Wow. All right. Fuck, you know you fucked a joke when you can't even get a laugh from hanging shit on me. Yeah. No, they're still deep in the bit of none of the catchphrases working anymore. So in this new version of Dundum, you're like 32.

We've started again. They're still going, Trump? Trump? too. We've started again. They're still going, Trump? Trump? Did everyone here listen to

last week's, to the 300th episode? Has everyone heard that one yet? Has anyone not? You cunts. It's been out for fucking 48 hours. What sort of people buy tickets to this but don't actually listen to the show? Get out. Oh wait, yeah, who's listening for the first time? Anyone? Like who's never what sort of people buy tickets to this but don't actually listen to the show get out oh wait yeah

who's who's listening for the first time anyone like who's who's never heard the show before this guy cool he's yeah this guy up the back well a lot of you okay there's been a horrible mistake what's in here usually like an 80s tribute night or something is that yeah we're keeping the theme going yeah anyway next anyway, next up, a cut from Culture Club. Alright, too old of a reference for you. Fair enough. Sorry, for people who did listen to it last week, to the 300th episode, do you remember the story?

Dave O'Neill started telling a story about my comedy festival show. That, you know, if you've listened before, I had a heckler within my comedy festival show on purpose for the new listeners. Yes,'ve listened before, I had a heckler within my Comedy Festival show on purpose for the new listeners. Yes, that was an idea I had. I got a professional heckler. They were raining shit on me. It was all...

Everyone got to laugh at my jokes at the heckle. Ideally, that was what was supposed to happen. So Dave O'Neill got approached by someone who said, I saw a show. It was fucked. Do you know this show with the heckler? He went, yeah. So anyway, the thing, the complaint was the guy brought his daughter

and his daughter's like 16 and she ended up getting free shots within the show and so she was drinking illegally and she like really nearly died. I can't believe you're telling this again in a public forum. Like you're so lucky that you haven't been arrested after the first time it came out. Let's give this one another airing come and get me Rosses, let's go

you'll never find me in this shithole this feels like Prohibition era podcasting doesn't it yeah back when there wasn't very good entertainment to listen to no no there's not a podcast going on down there officers it's just your average run of the mill crack den, okay?

Don't worry about it Nothing untoward going on So anyway, we talked about that About the girl, the 16-year-old girl drinking illegally, whatever Fuck The dad hating it, the dad complaining about it Anyway, so that episode I want my voice blurred in this episode, by the way

That went out Anyway, I got a message last night From this girl called Bianca saying Hey mates, I got a message last night from this girl called Bianca saying, hey mates, I was listening to the 300th episode. Part of Dave O'Neill's story sounded familiar. The guy that Dave mentioned in the show talked about Carl's gig and getting shots off of his 16-year-old daughter, and my dad

was me. I chose the show because I thought it looked cool, but I had no idea who you were or about the podcast, and it was just Demi Larder and Tommy Daslow heckling so we're in a total state of shock. For some reason I actually enjoyed a bit of it.

I've got a couple of things already. So the total state of shock was that that like, wow, they look so different but they sound the same about me and Demi. Was that part of it? And I don't buy this story already. Who looks at this and goes wow, that looks cool. A 16 year old.

Hey, I've got a big chunk of the tween mark. Wow. Wow. I'm 2016's Miley Cyrus. What can I say? Anyway, go on with this story about how you threw some shots off

to a 16 year old yeah I'm the dodgy guy at the high school looking at the year 10s going come with me I've got a long neck

my friends are going to heckle me in our van so anyway she messaged us via the dum dum page so I went so I read that message and went,

so hang on, you started listening to the podcast after seeing that show. She was like, yeah, I know it's strange, but you do do some quality content. I found out a while later after looking up a certain comedian on iTunes that you guys turned up as a result, and then I remembered you guys plugging your podcast at the end. So I gave it a look, not complaining so far, but I guess it's going to be a farewell until my dad comes around.

So I said, look, that's awesome, that's amazing that you've become a fan of the podcast after seeing the weirdest show I've ever done. The thing I like about this exchange too is that she's messaging our Facebook page and our Facebook page, the picture, is our logo. So she's just interacting with a giant hamburger. That's what I like about it.

Yeah. That makes more sense. So I was saying, oh, yeah, I hope you're okay. I hope you're not still choking on that shot that Milan bought you that night. Jesus Christ. All right. So she said... Welcome back to the To Catch a Predator podcast, everyone. I should have lured her in here.

Yeah, you should have. Dingus. By the way, everyone, welcome to the one podcast that we're never going to actually upload. So. Really learnt my lesson after 300 eps. So, she goes, oh, man, that's great. I'm glad I'm still here and alive, which is good, and I can tell you I was at the weirdest Carl Chandler show ever.

And the one positive thing coming from that show, which she was decent enough to say there was one positive thing, was that you'll have an extra audience member for next year. Probably. I said, well, that's actually... I'm glad you're not committing too hard to one of our solo shows or you wouldn't be a real dum-dum listener. So she goes, then she says, well, I'll see. I said probably because I'll need to bring an over 18 person to that venue

and I'm no chance for my dad to say yes. So. Have you talked to her today? Hey, babe, I'm in Sydney. You'd love it up here. Let me check the statuary. Oh. Wow.

Wow. You know, in Melbourne. It's one thing to not know the age of consent. It's another to not be able to pronounce the term that it's under the banner of. Well, things are different in different states. They're called midis up here. All the rules might be different.

Wow. All right. Put your phone away. All right. Should I finish this? Oh, yeah, right at the end. Okay. So she goes, oh, look, I said that was the smallest crowd I had all festival.

I know it was a bit of a weird one. She goes, oh, I'm sure it was. I definitely would have laughed more if there was more people sitting next to me. I did like some of the jokes. Oh, yeah, all right. Now you're talking. I did like some of the jokes, but then you started yelling at the people who did laugh and who didn't laugh.

And I got a bit scared because I wasn't sure who to barrack for, the crowd, Tommy and Demi, or you. And I got a bit scared because I wasn't sure who to barrack for. The crowd, Tommy and Demi, or you. So that's actually a very good review of my show. Yeah, that's great. We also had a bit of correspondence. That cannot be used as evidence. You guys are all fucking witnesses now, so you're going down with us.

We got a correspondence yesterday from a gentleman who listens to the show who got in an Uber and his driver was playing an episode of this podcast. That is fucking wild stuff. That is so good. I started messaging him about it going, is this for real? And he was like, yeah. I said, well, wait, how old are you? 16. Boring.

Who gives a fuck? If you're going to go drive unaccompanied in a strange man's car well I also have a car it's got a stereo in it too we can listen to whatever you like yeah so my car doesn't have a stereo so now it's gonna be easy for people to track you down. So I started talking to the guy and he was like, is this for real, is this real? And he goes, yeah, yeah, he got in. And the guy was just playing our episode, like the latest episode.

And the guy said to him, hey, turn it up, turn up a little Dum Dum Club. And so the driver turned around and went, oh, so you're aware. Wow. Wow. Wow. So good. That's what we need. I don't know if you know this. In LA, they've got Uber carpool now, which is where you get the car, but you get in with four other strangers that are all going roughly in the same area.

We need to get that going here. Uber dum-cunt, where it's just other people that are aware of the little Dumb Dumb Club podcast and you all drive around listening to our podcast and then the Uber drives you off the end of the bridge of choice in your city. Do some local. The Harbour Bridge, yay! What more blows me away is that the Uber X driver, his name was Jethro. I can't believe someone listens to us with the name of Jethro.

So this is what I want to do. I want to track down Jethro. Let's do this. Let's do an episode in the back of Jethro's car. Yeah, all right. The Jethro-mobile. Yeah, and we can pick up passengers and just do a live show in the back. What do you think?

Yeah, I'm sure he'll love that. Does anyone know how to do that? passengers and just do a live show in the back. What do you think? I'm sure he'll love that. Does anyone know how to do that? You can't track down it unless this guy who sent us that would have to say, I left my phone in the back of your car or something. Well, Jethro listens to the show.

Oh yeah, I just remembered. Hey, remember when I was the dumb cunt? Seems so long ago. No, you'll be back. Don't worry. I want to do that. I want to fall and do that.

Jethro, hit us up. We'll be like your stereo. You won't have to use your stereo. We'll sit in the back of your car. You can pick up passengers. Free content. Yeah. I'll email him right now.

Jethro at Uber.com and try and get on to him. That would be so fucking good. Oh, man. I seriously want to do it. Let's do it. Yeah. Reach out right now, jethro at uber.com and try and get on to him. That would be so fucking good. Yeah. Oh, man. I seriously want to do it. Let's do it. Yeah, reach out to us, Jethro. Should we get a guest out here?

All right. This first guest, you know him. He's been on the show many, many times before. He's one of our very dear friends. Please give a big round of applause. Welcome into the little dum-dum club, Harley Brain. Yay. Yeah. Yeah. Harley Brain! Yay! Yeah!

Yeah! G'day, shit cunts. It's just good to go to new cities and meet new people. I'm just having such great experiences with my new friends, Thomas and Carlos. And finally, you're recording in a venue befitting of you in a sex dungeon. So that is...

This feels good. Hey, hey, just associating the word sex with us makes me feel good. That is without doubt, and it hasn't stopped, the creepiest opening to a dum-dum ever. That is... You had some serious... Hey, hey, I did not initiate it. Wow.

I didn't give her the alcohol. I did not initiate it. Do you know how many things that you've said that are trigger words for some sort of national organisation to tune in and listen? There's all of a sudden a lot of people aware of your fucking podcast. Victorian police are aware of our podcast, yeah.

Shout out to the passengers in Jethro's Uber that are trying to open the window and climb out at this point. Get me out, this is torture. Oh, that is a great point. I'll give you five stars if you just hit pause on this right now, please. Passengers in the back of Jethro's Uber, please take a big swig of water. Right.

I've got a big chunk of the tween market. Fuck! Jesus! Have you ever heard anything creepier come out of a more rapey face? Oh, that's just... Sorry. I feel like I might have started too hard. Siri, schedule eight hours of podcast editing on Monday morning

for the first Sydney episode. I love you, Carl. You're a good man. Thank you. Oh, well, that equals out calling me a rapist. I was just kidding when I told 100 people you're a rapist. Cool, I know. I'm good with that.

I'm all right. What about... Should I tell this story? Should we... Well, the first one you told was a real crowd pleaser, so why not? No, I'll just do a little bit. Tell us about how you fucked a dolphin in its blowhole

that was washed up on the beach. At least I'm going out there earning content for this show. The dolphin initiated it. That sexy blowhole. I poured a shot down its blowhole. So, no, so if you... Wow. So, because everyone has my mobile number,

because everyone's got my number, and I've talked about this, people have started sending me money has my mobile number, because everyone's got my number, and I've talked about this, people have started sending me money via my phone number. I didn't know that was a thing. You can get my number, you can use the Commonwealth Bank app to send me money. I'm not saying you all should do it. I'm not saying you shouldn't.

But, so I got, someone sent me a bunch of money a couple of weeks ago. All right, someone's taken a photo, and now I feel like it's real evidence. Yeah, that's the evidence. Is your photo saying something? As you can see, Ronnie, his mouth is open, clearly saying that

he had intercourse with someone underage. So I rest my case. Well, you need a photo for the poster, don't you? How old are you? Seriously. Hang on, how am I doing your work for you? Are you 180? Where are they going to put the poster for the most wanted?

Back to the great idea of people sending me money. When you say you got a bunch of money the other week, do you want to disclose the figure? What? What did she say? I'm just doing it. Hell yeah. I'm fucking trying.

So, anyway. Someone sent me 20 bucks to go towards a little fund I was doing about getting a... I got a speeding fine and I was complaining about... Not speeding. Talking on your phone. Talking on my phone, sorry. People could learn from this. Endangering everybody else around you. Yeah.

Sorry, I got it confused with another fine I got the other day. So... Oh, here we go. So, anyway. After I talked... Did you really... Wait, come on. Did you really get a speeding fine?

Yeah, but that's not, like, an interesting thing. Oh, what? Oh, I'm terribly sorry for caring about the well-being of my friend... How fast? I don't know. You know? Too much? Lawrence Mooney too much?

No, I did it accidentally, not trying to drive into a fucking heaven. Did this speeding ticket happen after you were talking to that 16-year-old girl on Facebook? I'm coming, baby! on Facebook. I'm coming, baby! Back to our scheduled story. So, someone sent me, after the story I talked about not being able to use my remote control thing

properly, someone sent me $10 with the message, buy some fucking batteries. Then, I've got a new one within the last couple of days. I've got a new one. I've got a new... Because it comes via text message. I got the message saying, you've now got a new deposit.

69 cents. Yeah. All right. Reasons for dinner for two. Real good. Very good. Real good. Very good.

That's some classic comedy. Yeah. What was the last fine you got, Harley? I got a 42K over the speed limit fine. But I got a fine, that was in Queensland. I was leaving my brother's farm in the south-east of Queensland and I was in a rush to not be where I was. in the south-east of Queensland,

and I was in a rush to not be where I was. And so I was doing 121, 122 in an 80 zone on the Great Divining Range. And so there's a fucking lot of money involved and an immediate loss of licence, eight merit points, gone. And then I paid it and then nothing happened in Victoria. So I called up Vic Rhodes and I was like, hey, so I did this thing in Queensland. They're like, we've got no idea what you're talking about.

So I only lost my licence in Queensland. Kind of like the election we just had. There is some fucked up anomaly with that redneck state. You can just lose your licence here. It's like, I don't care what you do in those

other fucking states. You come driving your lose your licence here. It's like, I don't care what you do in those other fucking states. You come driving your fucking cars in here. So yeah, lost my licence just in Queensland. That was good. Can you still drive there now or is that finished? That's finished now. Now I can drive around just

throwing things at people who look different. You look a bit different from me. Yeah, they add demerit points on for that. That's actually how you vote. They don't get a ballot slip in Queensland. They just throw shit at people who look different. Whoever had the most shit thrown at them, they don't get to be in power.

Oh, wow. That's a good system. I like it. It's not a good system. It is working Anyway I'll tell you what We'd have a result on day one

There'd be no like It's taking us a while To work out who's got more shit Covering their entire body We're still counting Someone got hit in the head By a brick But what's their preferences?

Who do they want That brick to hit next? We're going to leave Those people covered in shit For two days And take a break And then come back So if you could not shower

While we do Okay wow People are bored of this. The riff has run out of juice. Ooh, new catchphrase for the new rebooted podcast. What do you reckon? You're criticising

the 16-year-old story, but I'll tell you what, it got fucking laughs. Next guest, let's go. Next guest out here. Here she is. It's... Let's get our next guest out here. Here she is. Man, imagine how mad her dad's going to be with me now.

Guys, first time on the show. We're so excited to have him here. You'll know him from Nova. Please welcome into the little Dun Dun Club, Fancy! One of the greatest photos I ever took was I got to interview every member of Metallica. So I got to sit down with James Hetfield, who was a hero of mine. And after the interview, we got a photo afterwards

and there was this moment where we were pissing ourselves laughing. We were both laughing. It was the greatest photo I've ever taken in my life. So I put it up on Instagram recently for a throwback Thursday. I'm thinking, fuck, how do I caption this? And I just put TBT the moment I told James

Hetfield that I have to fucking back announce Flo Rida every day. And it was just him pissing himself laughing. Alright, mate, we've all met people. And it was just him pissing himself laughing. All right, mate, we've all met people. By the sounds of it, you'll be meeting plenty in prison, Carl.

G'day, bruiser. How are you? Get you in the showers at four. A little old for my tastes. Wow, listen. I think it's important at this moment in the podcast, I have a child and I just want everyone to know on record I am in no way associated with this organisation. Please don't take my kid, I've already lost my car.

We've only just changed the name of our podcast, we're going to have to do it again. Well, I just got done you were talking about the last time you got done. I got done speeding on a push bike. What? Yeah, going down a hill. And a cop car was following me and apparently the rules are if they follow you for 200 metres and you're doing

over the speed limit, they can pull you over. So I'm going down on my push bike down this huge hill and then I just hear this boo-woo pulls me over and said you were doing like 68 in a 60 zone. What? On my fucking hot foot PME. That's rad.

Off by one kilometre, you fucking idiot. This is the easiest part of my journey and you pull me over. Oh, that's amazing. As part of their job, someone gets to pull out a radar gun on a bike. And you can get done DUI on a bike too. Yeah. If you don't have a licence and you ride home and the cops pull you over and they're like, you're drunk, you're like, yeah, yeah, high five.

But if you have a licence and you ride your bike home, they're like, you lost your licence. You're like, I'll fucking just drive next time then. And an empty ice cream container is not considered a helmet as well what about

which begs the question is a full one my this is the truth my cousin my cousin got done for DUI on a horse he did

he rode his horse into town I didn't know your cousin was did. He rode his horse into town. I didn't know your cousin was Darren Bean. He rode his horse into town. He had a few lagers and then he jumped

back on the horse and he was a bit tired so he just slapped him on his arse and went home and then went to sleep. And then the horse just went home

and the cop pulled over the horse. Imagine that mugshot. That's really stretching the definition of a D in DUI. But he woke him up and he was like, Milton, because they knew each other on first name basis. And Milton woke up and he was like, Barry, what are you doing?

I was asleep. He was like, you can't be asleep and in control of a horse. He was like, I'm clearly not in control. He's just going home. Is this another one of these Queensland rules? If you can ride your horse home drunk, you can have a Senate seat. That is... That's how it works.

Well, that just makes me want... That's another form of transport we should be having Dumb Dumb Club on. Someone should be riding home on a horse listening to our podcast. One of you will die within the first ten minutes. Let's get Uber Horse going. Let's get Topica on the back of a greyhound. That'd be great. Oh, yeah.

It's ended in this state today. Oh, really? Congratulations. A big round of applause. Greyhounds are over. Good on you. A lot of sad, out of work greyhounds right now. Yeah.

A lot of Daryl Kerrigan's around Sydney at the moment just going, fucking bullshit. Poor old Daptoe. What's going on in there? I know. Well, I was in Daptoe this morning and I bought about 50 puppies of a bloke called Daryl thinking I'll fucking stitch this bloke up.

Now I've got to get rid of 50 dogs. Has anyone got any possums? The Dapto dogs. Very good. Well, that's what I said today. There's no reason now to actually visit Dapto. Yeah. Because the dogs aren't there anymore.

What else is there? Well, the only reason I know the word dapto is like being in TABs and there being dapto on a TV going, next race at dapto. That's how I know. I'd never heard of it until just then. To be honest, when you said dapto the first time, I thought, oh, fuck, another old cunt band that he's bringing up.

No one here knows what this is, mate. No one cares. I know all the members of dapto. My dad, it was rhyming slang back in the day for a racist term for a Greek person was the Dapto dogs. You hung out with the Dapto dogs. And then they named a town after it. Fuck it, Al.

That's the reason why they put the greyhound track there after that rhyming slang. This is a fucked country. Like, honestly. Like, I love it. I'm proud to be Australian, but we are rank on all fucking levels. Crazy fucking high ties. Well, they have a town after them. Anyway.

Fuck. Should we get our next guest out here? Actually, it's on topic. He'll have something to say about the dogs. Yeah, I reckon he probably might. Speaking of dapto dogs. I think he's done like every one of these live ones that we've done in Sydney for the last few.

Always very popular on the show. Very stoked to have him back. Please welcome back into the little Dab Dab Club, Ray Badren. Yay! Welcome back to the Little Dabdom Club, Ray Badren! I'm actually, I come from like 20 minutes from Dapdo. Oh, Wollongong. Yeah, I come from Wollongong.

Went to university there. Wow, that's amazing that you knew exactly what was 20 minutes away from Dapdo. Is it a good night out, Ray, the Dapdo dogs? You've been there, haven't you? I have. You had your future wife there, didn't you? But it was like a university night out, Ray, the Dabdo dogs? You've been there, haven't you? I have. You had your future wife there, didn't you? But it was like a university night at one point. Oh, yeah, it sounds very intellectual.

And look at the way the noble beast runs around the circle. Ray Badren. I fucking shouldn't have even started talking. I shouldn't have even fucking started. Ray Badren, Bachelor of Dish Lickers. I don't know why I come on this fucking thing. I don't know why. I don't even think they want me on. I got a phone call like two hours ago.

Two hours ago. And I was asleep at home on the couch. And it was Carl. And he'd rung me a couple of times. And I'm on at the on the couch and it was Carl and he'd rung me a couple of times and I'm on at the comedy store with him tonight and I thought, oh, he probably wants a lift. I'll ring him back soon. He kept ringing me.

I pick up the phone. I said, what do you want? I'm asleep. And he goes, oh, you know how I always ring you when we're doing the little dum-dum podcast and I haven't booked guests? Well, yeah, this is one of those times. Can you come help us out?

Oh, fucking hell. Listen here, Ray. Hey, hey, let's confirm this. The wording was, you know when I get really desperate and I book you? This is one of those times Can you come help us out I was like Oh fuck it Hell I'm Listen here Ray Hey hey Let's confirm this The wording was You know when I get really desperate And I book you Oh yeah

That's not how I remember it I remember This is silliness I had a phone conversation With Carl two days ago And he was like I don't know who to book And I said Ray

And he went Ah fuck That guy's on all the time So Well I got a text message From Tommy Only three hours ago So the boys are fucking organized take the

pressure off because that straight out this podcast we're gonna book Sunday's one no you boys are actually doing you're doing this at Splendour in the grass yeah which is it which would be a bit weird because you'll have a lot of pissed people around, wouldn't you, at a music festival? Yeah, that'd be weird. That'd be heaps weird. Imagine all them all around the place, like, drinking and stuff like that. It'd be fucking hot.

I'd hate it. I'm glad I'm not going to that. Just young kids on MDMA going, this is the best. I don't think they'll say that, but anyway. Is anyone here going to Splinter in the Grass? Oh, yeah, are you going to come see us? Oh, fuck yeah, all right. It's going to be great.

Does anyone have drugs at the moment? No, wait up, wait up. Is anyone under 17 here? No. You've got the cure, you've got the strokes and you're going there to see the fucking dum-dum. Yeah, people that are way past their prime. Yes, that's right.

Imagine having a prime. The worst part is I think this is it Welcome to the best it's ever going to get The eye of the storm Should I, what about this This is what happened to me last night And this is my constant search for content for this show I like to go on public transport I like to put myself out in areas where you deal with the public

because people are fucking crazy, right? So last night I went to Oporto's in Melbourne for dinner. Oh, beautiful establishment. Yeah. Haven't been there for a while. Still holds up. Would have been hard to get a table. There aren't any.

There's just seats. I booked. Yeah. There's nowhere to fucking eat. Take your burger and piss off. So I ordered and there was a guy loitering around being really weird and I was like, my senses went up immediately. Because, you know, when I grew up, my parents always owned shops and I was found this out weirdos fucking love shops right because we

knows we knows can't go and be weirdos in a park or something because there's no one there to be weird to like if a weirdo comes up to you on the street and starts being weird you go fuck and just run off but if a weirdo goes into a shop paper people are employed to be nice to people. So weirdos get treated nice in shops and go, fuck, I'm coming back here again. You sound very passionate about this. I fucking love shops.

I fucking love shops. And they be coming here to buy things. Yeah, we get it. Weirdos love shops. So tell us more about how you went to Oporto. Yeah. I promise I wasn't the number one weirdo in this story.

So I'm ordering, this guy's being weird hanging around, so I'm sort of having a look and going oh, I've got to find out what this guy's on about. So I sit down, I order, I sit down and then he goes up to the guy behind the counter and starts being super weird. So I'm sitting waiting for my burgers and he's, this guy just comes up there and he's starting reciting

rules about hung parliament and just going on and on and the guy behind the counter sort of like, just looks scared, sort of going, uh... Who was it? Barnaby George or something? This guy was like early 20s, it was really weird and so he just kept

saying that so I sat really near the counter and I just watched the whole thing and he just kept saying it and occasionally the guy behind the counter would go I've really got to go and cook some chips now and the guys like no worries and then he'd go away to cook chips and and he just keep reciting the hung parliament rules to himself and so then the guy come back in and then cop it again and I watched it like for 10 minutes I'm eavesdropping trying to find out all the weird quotes and occasionally the guy behind the counter would just look at me and go I tilt his head and sort of point at him and I'm like yeah and so anyway eventually the guy I heard

the guy after 10 minutes go look I've really got to get on with this work and the guy was like oh okay and just walked away and so I can't help. I finished the meal and then I go up to the guy and go, look, I really got to know. I love this sort of shit. Will you go out with me? I really love this shit. How old was that guy's daughter? So I got to know that guy, that fucking weirdo

that was coming up and just reciting stuff like an insane rain man, like all that weird politics stuff that he was just, are you going to be all right? Are you scared or do you need someone? Do I need to tell someone about, like, what was all that about? And he goes, no, that's okay. I'm like, are you sure? Because I can hang around if you want.

He goes, what for? That was my boyfriend. if you want. He goes, what for? That was my boyfriend. And I said, and I said, you should be very proud. Wow.

Small country towns. This fucking demented weirdo came in and was making doe eyes at this guy. I mean, what the fuck? No, but I said to him, like, but you were doing the eyes. I looked at you and you were, like, going, you know, doing the eyes. Yeah, we were in a reason with you. And he goes, yeah, because you were staring at me.

So he's not giving the eyes, he's just like, I'm talking. You creepy fucking weirdo. So are you the crazy one in this story? And it's like a fight club situation where it's you, like you are the crazy one in the shop. I'm the weirdo. Or are you both guys? I will grant you this

That does make it a little weirder That it's his boyfriend I'm going to go visit my boyfriend at work And just bore him with all these fucking facts About a hung parliament Save it for back home bro I mean to be honest I was never going to trust a guy

That went out for dinner by himself On a Wednesday night On a porno anyway To be fair I did ring up Dilruk Jai Singha To have dinner And the weirdest thing happened himself on a Wednesday night on a porno anyway. Really. To be fair, I did ring up Dilruk Jai Singer to have dinner and the weirdest thing happened. He didn't want to have dinner. Because he'd already had four?

He was still working on lunch. Fuck you. What are some facts that you learned about the hung parliament? Because I've got no idea what's going on. No, I don't know. They have massive testicles. That's a good joke. I had a joint today.

It'd be a good way to determine who is the winner, isn't it? Just get nuts. Just stand up in front of everyone and just get it out. And plus it would have meant that Pauline Hanson wouldn't have won. Or would she? Well, yeah. Jackie Lambie could have won, you never know. Who did you vote for, Ray?

Oh, it's embarrassing, but I saw the marijuana leaf in the box and I don't think that like, I mean it could have been the Kill All Immigrants Party but I just saw that marijuana leaf and I was like, yeah, right, whatever. Did you think it was an order form? I've had six

of these. Well, I put my money in the box and I wrote my address on the top and I'm just waiting now. They say they've taken a few days to count it, so I suppose there's a bit of a delay. It's not a subway order. You can't order one and wait.

Mate, I was thinking about it, like, pot's legal in Canberra. It all makes sense, you know. They're sending me the pot from Canberra. Where they've decriminalised it. Ray's thinking, man they should put a drive through through this joint. The weird thing is you can pick your driver, you can pick

your delivery driver. You're ticking the marijuana going, well obviously you can buy marijuana here, they've got sausages out here afterwards, so. Well the thing is there's two marijuana parties, there was one with the hemp leaf and then there was like a legalized drug one as well but the well then they're going up against each other I'm not the same party is it same time my mate sent me a text message of a picture

message of the mature party and he drawn a dick and balls sounds like we all should be voting for the future of this country. Ray, whenever you come on this podcast, you're known throughout comedy for your wild yarns, your great stories. You can really spin a tale. Oh, right. We asked you... Listen to Ray Martin on This Is Your Life.

Not to put you on the spot, mate, but entertain our audience. And here's your Aunty Trish. Bring her in, Aunty Trish. She's 16. She's just come back from the Dapdo Dogs. Bring her in. I bought a heater this week. Here we go. Strap in everyone. Have you got it on at the moment?

Because you're sweating profusely. I know. Well, it's quite embarrassing, but this is kind of the most exercise I do on a day, so sometimes, yeah. What a set-up. Tommy Dastley says, you're known for your great yarns.

I bought a heater. I did. So good. So you go buy a heater. Oh, go to buy this heater. Oh, fuck, there's more. Wait. And I buy the...

I've never been to Bunnings before. Oh, it's a good place, that one, isn't it? I know, I know. You love Bunnings. I love it. But I went there. I bought this heater. I bought a cheap heater.

And as I'm going through at the register, the girl that's checking me out goes, just the one today, right? As if she could convince me to buy more heaters on the spot, right? Then I'll be like, you know what? Since I'm here, maybe I'll get a couple of heaters, right? You're sitting there going, I'm sweating already. Do you think I need even this one?

Wait, so I get the heater, I take it home. I've never been to Bunnings before. I'm obviously pretty pathetic. heater, I take it home. I've never been to Bunnings before. I'm obviously pretty pathetic. Oh, mate, a lot of us have never been to Bunnings before. Wait, I have to assemble a stand on the bottom of the heater myself and I don't have a screwdriver in my house and the only place that sells screwdrivers is Bunnings, right? So I've got to go back to Bunnings to get a screwdriver.

The only place! That's not factually accurate. Continue on, fuckhead. We have to go back to Bunnings. The only place! That's not factually accurate. Continue on, fuckhead. We have to go back! Where else sells screwdrivers? I don't know. Remember before Bunnings was invented and there was no screws? How did they fucking build Bunnings? I don't know.

I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. All I can gather was that there were a finite amount of screws and screwdrivers placed on the earth before they built Bunnings. And once Bunnings was built, they continued to make them themselves. They had just enough for one Bunnings. Yeah.

And then they went on from there. Okay, all right. Story checks out. Makes sense. So I'm quite angry that I've got to put this heater together myself. I'm quite pissed off, right? And that anger must have been really warming you up and you're like, I don't even need the fucking heater.

I wasn't expecting that. So I decided rather than buy a screwdriver, why not just take this heater back to Bunnings where I'm already going anyway, and get a new heater that I don't have to... That's not bad, Robbie. That's not bad. I'm going there anyway. I'm buying something anyway.

Rather than have two items, how about one item? Right? This sounds like the worst fairy tale of all time. Can I swap this heater for two screws? Was there an Aportos around? I'll make a long story short. I'll buy the second heater. Please make the long story long if you could.

I get this heater. And while I'm getting the heater right, I notice they've got the frivolous items. Screwdrivers, yeah. No, no. You know your items at the register? Gapfiller. They've always got gapfiller there.

No, they've got like gapfiller. They've always got gapfiller. Yeah, they've got like Gap filler And bug spray And shit like that That's right And I'm thinking Why don't I get some

Bug spray right I've never been to Bunnings before Why don't I get some Bug spray right Hang on What Bug spray

Oh bug spray You know I don't understand How you could have Thought that was Anything else That bug spray I honestly thought

Bugs come out I honestly thought You were saying Butt spray No bug spray You know the thing That people get out I thought that was anything else. That and butt spray. I honestly thought... You spray it and bugs come out. I honestly thought you were saying butt spray. No, bug spray. You know, the thing that people get out when you come near their children. Comedy! Guys, the cops are on their way.

So the bug spray, right, the bug spray, they've got now, like, they've got individualised, like, raid bug spray. They've got bug spray for each bug. It does sound like you're saying butt spray. Butt spray. Butt spray. The more you say it, it sounds like...

Butt. I will really try and pronounce this correctly now. It sounds like someone has taught you in primary school to not call it farts, but to call it butt spray. Butt spray. No, that to call it butt spray. No, that's different to a fart. There's more involved than a butt spray. Yeah, that's the next stop from a fart. Yeah, it is.

It's that moment where you get up in the morning and you're like, how did I shit above the rim? How the fuck did that happen? Why is it up there? Anyway. It's called gastro, Carl. It's the sound of my... Now that's the sense of a woman.

Let's go back to Bunnings. Because I've nearly finished my sausage The bug spray wasn't part of the story It was just a mere observation That I noticed on the way out You know They've got a spray for each bug That's what I'm trying to say

It's quite odd There's one for the fly, one for the moth One for the spider, one for the cockroach One for the Carl Chandler one for the fly, one for the moth, one for the spider, one for the cockroach, one for the Carl Chandler, one for the... That was a non-core bit of the story. That was literally the Australian version of Forrest Gump. Well, you guys are allowed to make fucking tangents.

You guys, we go off on half-hour tangents about butt spray. Meanwhile, I'm commenting on an observation I saw whilst returning my heater, which was faulty, back to budding. Life is like a box of butt sprays. Aren't you glad we called him? Same. Fuck, we nearly called Michael Hing. That would have been a disaster.

Anyway, I've got the heater, right? And I've noticed the bug spray. I found it quite interesting and amusing. And I thought, I'll remember that and repeat it another time. Anyway, I've got a new heater, right? And I come back up to the register, same girl. And now I've got two heaters. And she said to me before, just the one today, right? And I come back up to the register, same girl, and now I've got two heaters, and she said to me before, just the one today, right?

And now I've come with two heaters, right? And now it looks like she's convinced me to buy another heater. Well, I'm actually returning the heater to get the other heater anyway. I've got a good heater at home now. That is awesome. Round of applause.

A good heater, zero bugs. That is awesome. Round of applause. A good heater. Zero bugs. Oh my god. But it is weird with the bug spray, right? No, I'm not going for a big laugh here. Ten years ago, we had bug spray that killed all bugs.

Now we have individualised bug spray. I've looked into it too. It's not spider... I thought it'd be like spider poison for spiders only. It's not. It's not. They do say into the chemical, because spiders are mainly on surface,

so the chemical sticks onto a surface more. And the one for flies evaporate quicker because they're airborne. It's like the Nurofen factor where they said it only targets your back. Yeah, exactly. Similar to the... Just wait.

The way you're talking and your appearance at the moment, you sound crazy. Are you all right? Mate. Have you been hanging out at iPortos lately? All of a sudden the police have shifted their attention on you. All right. Should we do a bit of Australia's

favourite, longest running and best? I think we've got time. We can squeeze it in. Do people want to hear? Guys, get your scripts out on your phones. It's real high-tech in here. Justin, can we hear the theme music? It's time for a little bit of

Rattat! Rattat! Let the record It's time for a little bit of Rad Dad. Let the record show that was very reluctant from you people. Apparently this hotel couldn't print out our Rad Dad script or wouldn't. I think they read it first and then we're not dedicating income paper to this. It's the raddest dad in town. Rad dad. This is the bit when I realise there are people here that have never listened to this podcast. And to those people, I'm sorry.

And to everyone else, sorry. So what's... Do we get like a character background or something like that? Just read the bits that says your fucking name on it. I get that. Who are our characters though? I'm guessing I'm Ray. Yeah, you're Ray.

You're Ray. I reckon you be Fitzy, I'll be Harley. Okay, I'll be Fitzy. I believe for this script Fitzy should be playing the role of Ray and Ray should be playing the role of Fitzy. And in this script your motivation is you all need to buy a heater, okay? You're locked in, you understand what's going on. My motivation is I need to get out of this fuck dungeon, so let's get it done.

Alright, let's go, come on. We've run out of beer. Jesus. Hey, well, Jenny, here we are on election day down at our local polling booth. Rad Dad, wasn't the election like a week ago? Well, that can't be right. Yeah, you're right. Imagine you being behind the times or living in the past.

Ha ha. What a bizarre idea. Now, if you can let go of my FUBU jacket, we can go and vote. Rad Dad, the election's over. There was a hung parliament. Wow, parliament sure is a funny name for my dick. Boo! God, I wish mum had gotten plastered when she was pregnant with me

Well in previous episodes Fiona O'Loughlin has played your mum So you fucking nailed that one Yeah that still doesn't seem to explain why you seem to have fetal alcohol syndrome instead of me. All right. Well, if there's no election, this episode of Rad Dad is over already. And look, we don't want any crowd riots in here. So magically, now there is an election.

Great news. Hey, look, this guy over here is going to mark us off and hand us our voting papers. Oh, wait, we should very quickly say, we thought Adam Richard was going to be coming down tonight, so we wrote this roll for him, and then at the last minute we had to change it to Ray Badron. Oh. So, but hopefully you won't be able to tell the difference at all, okay? It won't be obvious at all.

So, sorry, let's pick it back up. Yeah. So, great news. So, hey, this guy over here is going to mark us off and hand us our voting papers. Look sharp, Jenny. I've heard these polling officials can be really snarky, a complete and utter bitch with no regard for people's feelings whilst being bald and overweight with a goatee.

Hey. Hi, everyone. I'm a character played by Adam Richard. Next voter, please. Oh, how cute. A 48-year-old man just back from Thailand with two souvenirs. A mighty, mighty Boston's bum bag. Why have you put this in here?

And why do I have to read this out? And a child sex slave that he couldn't have paid more than 30 baht for. I didn't write this script. I'll leave it off. Come down, Adam. Hey, that is not true. This is an ever clear bum bag. Now, what electorate are you

in? Mambo. No, not the brand of your cum rag. That electorate you live in. Oh, Stussy. Has there been some report about shark tooth necklaces causing some brain damage that I missed? I'll fill this one.

We live in the electorate of Radville. Ah, finally. Someone that isn't making up stupid suburbs. Now, do you understand? I'm trying to give it a bit of inflection here. You know, I don't really know what's happening. It feels like you've never read anything

out in public before. I haven't really, no, actually. Now that I think about it, no. What have I? Keep going, buddy. I believe in you. You're doing alright. Alright. I mean, this role wasn't even for me, really. You know, like, I haven't been given any

time to repair. We really wrote it for someone who could fucking read. It's like you're reading the instructions of your bug spray. Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Alright. Finally, Okay. Alright. Finally, someone that isn't making up stupid suburbs. Now, do you understand how voting...

Oh, fucking hell. You made me fuck it up. Voting below the line works. Sound it out. Sound it out. B-E-B-L. Sound it out. Alright.

Below. Let's just get through this fucking script. I've got a lot more lines. I can read it and I'm not looking forward to them. They're all, I just want to get through this fucking thing. I've got about four more that I'm silent for the rest of it. That heat is working overtime at the moment. Can we have an understudy for the understudy, please?

Is there anyone out there? Adam Ritchie will never work in this town again. Can someone replace Ray? Does anyone want to replace Ray? No, don't. Just get a dunker. Go.

Go, Ray. Take it from now if you understand. Race it. Wait. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. I moved the script.

I don't know where we're up to anymore. We're back up here. Oh, God. I've got to finally I don't know where we're up to anymore. We're back up here. Oh, I've got to finally. Someone that isn't making up stupid summer. Come on, Fancy. Come on, mate. We're almost there.

Now, do you understand how voting below the line works? Brother, I don't even understand how my remote control works. If you're voting below the line, you want to get it right down there. Get your big pencil out and fill out as many of those boxes as you can. Come on, that was all right. That was good, man. I'm backing you all the way, bro. I'm trying to be Adam Richards, you know?

Filling in as many boxes as I can reminds me of a particularly successful underage disco I had one night. Oh! Jesus. It's not okay. Jesus Christ, Rad Dad, go here and fill out the form. Oh, okay, wow, I actually hadn't really thought about

who to vote for until just now. Hmm. I wonder who this massive pothead guy next to me is going to vote for. Hey, Cheech, who are you voting for? I'll tell you who I'm voting for. The get my car back from my ex-wife party.

Fuck it. That was my joke. I made the joke and then... Fuck, whatever. I bought another one. Oh, wow. Sounds like that car was seeking asylum from an owner that pulled too many bongs.

How dare you? I'm actually a doctor. Really? Because I've been breaking out in this weird rash every time I listen to the band Real Big Fish, which means the last time I didn't have this rash was 1997. No worries. I'm just the cure. Let me just finish filling out this form

and I'll take you out back and give you this slow-release suppository. We thought that would be a reference to an old episode. No-one remembers it, so... Oh, sorry, it's me. Hey, wow, democracy is so good for your health, but I still don't know who to vote for. If only there was someone that represents me. Someone old, deluded, living in the past,

out of touch with modern values, and completely fucked. Ooh, who's this? Pauline Hanson? Well, I guess I'm ready to vote for a woman. I'm progressive. I own an Alanis Morissette CD. Well, okay, lay sales.

Is this an episode of Rad Dad or the 7.30 Report? Okay, now that's done. Let's get to the best part of voting, the sausage sizzle. Hi, my name is Adam Richard. My ears are burning. Wow. Harley playing Ray playing Adam. How did that happen?

I was so excited. I saw you put your phone down. I'm going, I'm going to fucking nail this. But I looked down. I had no more lines. I didn't have any more. They didn't even change it to Ray. It just said Adam.

I'm like, that's me. Badron, it's almost like you were Greyhound racing and everyone decided there was enough of you. I don't even get it. Shut up, Daptop. Oh, hang on. I love this guy. He's just like me. A confirmed sex pest.

Okay, here we go. One sausage, please. No worries at all, mate. Would you like onions with that? Mambo. What the fuck? Sorry. Stussy. Look, mate, I'm getting paid $11 an hour for this. I don't have the patience to talk to some old dickhead,

make up stupid answers instead of treating this election in the deadly serious way it should be. So just tell me, out the front of this polling place, having just dropped your form into a big hole, do you want me to put this sausage into your mouth? Hey, everyone. As I'm Adam Richard, I relate to this. I so wish Adam was here. Listen to those laughs, Ray.

That could have been you. Wait, I got it, I got it. Hey, everyone. As Adam Richard, I relate to this. You want that little dip at the end there? Just a little less gay next time, thanks, Ray. A little less butt spray, please, next time.

I know what you... Sorry. Wow. this sure has been a great day for democracy. So let me just cap it all off with one more little bit of subtle political satire. I want to root Pauline Hanson. One nation, more like one orgasm.

Oh, that's the end. Wow. We did it. Got to go. Yeah. Guys, that brings us to the end of the Little Dum Dum Club for this week.

Big round of applause for our guests, Ray Badron, Vincy, Harley Breen. Thank you so much for listening. And we'll see you next time. See you next!