The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 304 - Live! Senator Sam Dastyari, Dilruk Jayasinha & Adam Knox

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

The Drive To Canberra, Pasta Trucks and Gifts From The Senator. Recorded LIVE in Canberra at The Old Canberra Inn on July 30, 2016.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by... Guess who, Tommy? Um... Um... Big Tobacco? Man, imagine if they made mousse. That would be somehow not even as addictive as yellow chocolate mousse. Oh, you brought it around.

So, bought... You brought it around. Yeah, oh, very good. Fuck, I don't want to hear about this again. You know what? Stop harassing me about my pronunciation of bought or brought on Twitter. I've had a gutful of it. You know what I mean?

You know what I've got a gutful of? Yes. Yellow chocolate mousse. Oh, you know what I've got a lungful of? Big tobacco. Yellow chocolate mousse, the best. So go and get some. People are still going strong sending us pictures.

I've literally got a big old tub of the Costco version in my bag at the moment. We've just got back from recording this episode. We've just come back from a big eight hour drive back from Canberra. I've got a big tub of chocomousse that one of the listeners gave to me last night. It's getting very warm in my back seat, if you know what I mean, Tommy.

This ad might get a little loopy because we are fresh off an eight-hour drive. It was one of those classic things where the last half hour was pure delirium. I mean, some of the stuff we were saying in that car car. Let's repeat it all. Hey, Melbourne, because you didn't demand it. Saturday, August the 20th, we're doing both of our solo shows again

from the Comedy Festival, a little encore season of one afternoon, 4.30, 4.30? Yep. At the European Beer Cafe, back-to-back, my show, Little Golden Dasolo, the show where everyone in the audience gets a book, and your show, Carl Chandler, defends his title as the world's greatest and best comedian, a show where you get savaged by on-stage critics for an hour. No, well, let's say that the point of it is the jokes and, you know, the heckling.

There's a couple of hecklers or one or two hecklers that then jump in and add a little bit of abusive garnish to the show. Your show is like the baby falling in Harambe's cage and then Harambe being shot and you're all three of them. You're the baby, you're the gorilla and you're the guy shooting the gorilla. Yeah, I don't mind that. I quite like that. Yeah. So come't mind that. I quite like that. Yeah. So come and see that because everyone liked seeing that. So tickets on sale now.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Yep. A special rate for both shows. It'll be a fun afternoon. And then you have the evening free to go do whatever the fuck it is you do with your lives when you're not watching our podcast. Well, it's actually going to be finished just in time for maybe just to have a few drinks afterwards on a Saturday night.

A few bevvies with the boys. Yeah. So that'll be fun. I should be able to skip dinner immediately and just get straight into the drinking. That'll be good. Okay. What else have we got? The Patreon continues to tick along.

Patreon. Thanks, everyone, once again for contributing to the Patreon, for doing the right thing, which is chucking us just a little bit of coin to say thanks for doing the app, to keep it going, to keep our interest in it. And also, look, we bribed you by giving you awesome little bonus things, like if you pay...

If you're a $10 subscriber, you would have just gotten a couple of days ago an episode that we recorded in the car on the way back from Canberra with Adam Knox. Yeah. So you get a bonus episode, one bonus episode a month, plus you get, if you have $5, you get the magazine that we do,

the little Haymates magazine. If you're $10, you get both of them, obviously. And if you're $30, you get a nice little T-shirt as well as all of that sort of stuff. And you know what? If you get that, if you get a shout-out, which I'm about to do right now, here's a bunch of people that have subscribed we're

very loose with the record keeping of who i've shouted out to and who i haven't and we do this very irregular so i apologize if you're if you're one of these people that uh haven't been read out on the show before please give us an email give us a message and uh if you really want your name read out you can you can have it tell us what you want us to say about you. Oh, yeah. How are we going to tackle this week? I'll read the names out. Are you going to do some sweet weird improv? Can we switch it? Can I read the names out and can you do the improv?

Okay. Because you always trash my improv, but you've never had to stack your skills up in the arena. Sure. So show me. Where are you going? Here's a bunch of names. Oh, I just read that off? Yeah.

Okay. All right. Okay. All right. All right. Russell Redmond. Oh, the sweet. All right. Russell Redmond. Ah, the sweet alliteration of Russell Redmond. Old Arrah.

Bit of a reddo. Was there an exclamation mark after his name in this document? I don't know. I think that's just how he- You just got excited as you were typing it? No, he formatted his name like that on Patreon. Oh, did he? I love it.

Yeah. Alison Chang. Ah, the female Rotten Ronald. Wasn't that your nickname growing up, Chang? Yeah, it was. Chang or Changa. Oh, the female Rotten Ronald. Wasn't that your nickname growing up, Chang? Yeah, it was. Chang or Changa. No, I meant Alison.

Oh, yeah. Cerise Drever. I hope I've said that right. Cerise. You know what Drever rhymes with? What? Don't do you. I'm asking you a question. Oh, right.

Believer. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. You do know. Julie Stodd do know Julie Stoddart. Julie Stoddart. Some of these names I recognise. Some of them I don't. Julie Stoddart.

Repeat offenders on social media. Yeah, she's very prolific on the socials. Very active on the internet. Here comes another one of them. Vivian Richards. Yeah, Viv. Viv Richards. Viv Richards from the West Indies.

Yeah, she not only was a great batsman in her time, but they used to say that she could go out to bat with it, if you know what I mean. Oh, I don't know what you mean. Grace Jarvis. Grace. You ever get into Jeff Buckley? Just like Grace Jones.

But Grace Jones married Matt Jarvis, who was a soccer player. Yeah. James Woodford. The Woodford Folk Festival. Yeah, thanks for putting on that big display of creativity. Get us in there to do comedy. Yeah. Woodford, your namesake festival.

Yeah, exactly. If you're that arrogant that you're going to name a whole festival after yourself, throw us a bone. Kelsey Reid. Kelsey Grammar. We've done this before. Have we? Let's talk about Frasier again for 15 minutes.

Oh, no. Have we read that out before? I think we have. Have we? Let's talk about Frasier again For 15 minutes Oh no Have we done Have we read that out before? I think we have Have we? Well what else would we have read out Would we have talked about Kelsey Grammar before? Maybe someone's last name was Grammar

Maybe someone's name was Frasier Maybe it was Crane Maybe it was Niles Yeah Maybe someone supported us with the name Shit TV Show And that reminded us of it Maybe Ted Danson has supported us on Patreon

We got into a fight online the other day With a fellow comedian about the quality of, well, you messaged them to say, hey, I hate Frasier. Yeah. And then I decided to throw my weight into the conversation. It's not a good show. Yeah. I hate Becca as well, I think. Oh, really?

Yeah. I like the theme song of Becca. No, I don't. Really? No, I don't like much about it. When I watch it, I forget about how much I like Cheers, which is pretty bad. You know what Ted Danson's great in? Coupier enthusiasm.

Fuck, he's funny in that. Yeah, I guess everyone's funny in that, though. That's true. What was I up to? Fiona Donald. Fiona Donald. Let's talk about how much we hate Donald Duck. No, that's so close to Fiona McDonald, which is the sister of Jackie McDonald from Hey,

Hey, Saturday. Oh, yeah. Fiona McDonald co-hosted It's a Knockout. Well, this sounds familiar because I feel like we've definitely – you've brought that up before on these. Maybe these – hey, you know what? Double shout out. Now you have to play us again.

Oh, man. The people that haven't been shouted out are going to be even madder now. Jess Karius. Well, I haven't done that. Jess Karius. What sort of name is that? Karius. Karius?

Italian? Italian? Greek? I don't care to speculate. I don't care either. On the very high chance that I'm wrong. Brie Minto. Brie Minto. I know who Brie Minto is. I know who Brie Minto is too. She works at Channel 10 as a camera lady. Yeah. She called me out at a wrap party once for eating an entire plate of arancini by

myself. Oh, really? Good call. I think that was her. She was definitely at that party. You know what? Who cares? How good is this? The people that we do know, we just get facts about them wildly wrong.

Thanks for your support, guys. Lucas Goonan. Oh, how's life been with that name? The old Goonbag. Goonan, yeah. Lucas, what have you copped during your life? Sex? Sex? At 69?

Probably not. I'm interested in when people have weird names and how their lives have been shaped by that because surely your life has been shaped by the amount of abuse you've got from your name. Goonan, though, would you get? I mean, I guess it would depend on who else was at his school. You just have to hope that there's a more offbeat name at that school.

Yeah. I guess if you're a good-looking guy, all of a sudden, if you're a weirdo and you're called Goon, it's like, fucking yes, check out Goon. If you're a good-looking good guy, all of a sudden it becomes, oh, yeah, that's sort of, that's okay. Yeah, I mean, like Justin Bieber. That's a fucking weird name.

Yeah, that is a fucking weird name. Jacinta Parkinson. Speaking of social media repeat offenders. Yes. That's a fucking weird name. Yeah, that is a fucking weird name. Jacinta Parkinson. Speaking of social media repeat offenders. Yes. She pops up a lot. Is she from Adelaide or Melbourne? I don't know. Yeah, Jacinta.

I've got a joke in my show about people called Jacinta. You do. Yeah, I'm not going to tell it now. Matt Dennis. Dennis the Menace. Oh. This guy gets it. Matthew. Thanks for contributing Matthew

Thanks for taking the slingshot Out of your back pocket For long enough To get that wallet out And give us money on Patreon Thanks for not treating us Like Mr Wilson next door And actually helping us out

Damien Walker Oh the ghost who walks The phantom of Patreon subscribers Christopher Rhodes Oh Fucking You're a gentleman and a Rhodes scholar. Very good. Alison Chang. You've just put some of these on here twice.

Did I? Alison Chang. Alison Chang. Childhood nickname of one, Carl Chandler. Ronald's sister again. She may have been shared three times now. And Michael Carroll. Michael Carroll.

Carol Summers. You are a Carol Summers production. Yep. Yeah. Great. All right, awesome. So if you want your name read out with a very poorly thought out, let's call it a joke.

After it, please subscribe, do the right thing, and you'll get sweet, even more content. You'll get the magazine. You get the bonus episode. They're all fun. And beyond all that, genuinely, we do appreciate it so much. I find it hard on this podcast to

say things sincerely because as it's coming out of my mouth, I feel like it sounds like I'm saying it extremely sarcastically. But I'm not. It's great to know that people value the show enough to want to chip in. It helps us out a lot. Yeah, that should be enough for you.

Yeah, yeah. And then we give you the bonus stuff as well. But yeah, you're right. Like we've been doing this long enough that if we were getting nothing for it by now, I reckon we're not only a chance of not doing it anymore but a chance of fucking not doing life anymore. Yeah, big time. So yeah, stop us from ending it all, guys.

Yeah, you know what? We were at the live show that you're about to hear. Do you remember this? Just before it started, we walked past a guy who was sitting there with his mate and he's on his phone and as we walk past, he goes, you know what? Enough's enough. My mate's just pushed me into it.

I'm finally going to subscribe on Patreon. And he did it right there in front of us. Did he really, though? Because I don't remember getting that email. Well, I don't know. I didn't know it was instantaneous that you got notified

as soon as someone signs up you get it straight oh hang on hang on hang on no we did get it this is a shit story now

no we did get it we did get it okay cool well yeah there you go well he'll get a shout out next month yeah

you know if you've listened for a long time it doesn't have to be heaps it can just be a little bit you know whatever you've got yeah it all helps yeah sure

thanks to everyone. Thanks for everyone that chips in. So this episode, Canberra, our first ever live episode in Canberra. We had like close to like, it was like a hundred people in there by the end. Yeah, and it's too big for the room to be honest. We would have sold more tickets

if we could, but we had limits. We literally just got back. It was, wow, God, it was a very, you know, long drive there and could, but we had limits. We literally just got back. It was, wow, God, it was a very long drive there and back, but I'm going to say well worth it. It was a very fun show. It was awesome to get up there for the first time and see the room packed out. It was awesome to meet all you guys afterwards that stuck around.

People seemed very appreciative that we were up there. So, yeah, it was an awesome first time up to Canberra. And, yeah, not only was it fun, but it was great to pay off because we got up there. We probably left our run a little bit late, got up there with not enough time, and then had to frig around with technical stuff for a while. We had problems and whatever.

So it all sort of came together just in time sort of thing. Yeah. But the episode was great. The audience were awesome. So this episode, Adam Knox making his live episode debut, Dilruk Jai Singer came up with us, and dear friend of the show, Senator Sam Dastyari, coming on, doing an awesome job.

So enjoy this episode live from Canberra. Carl, I'm going to go to bed now. Get the fuck out of my house. Oh, that's enough of that. Hey, mates! Welcome to the Little Dum Dum Club, live from Canberra. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. Standing

next to me, the other half of the podcast, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads! The porn and fireworks of Australian comedy. Here for you in the nation's capital. Fuck, what would you rather be, the porn or the fireworks? Oh, I know what I'd rather be, mate. Yeah, what?

Fuck, I was hoping one would come to me while I was laughing. You'd go off like a bunch of porn. That's the other one. What's the best porno that you guys have ever seen in Canberra? What is the thing about... Because people always joke about Canberra like porn and fireworks. And I get that you can't buy fireworks anywhere else. But you could buy porn other places, yeah?

So what is it about Canberra? Did you only used to be able to buy porn in Canberra? What's the deal? You can't buy fireworks anymore. You can't buy fireworks anymore. You can't buy fireworks anymore? Alright, cool. The question was about porn, but anyway. Anyway, alright.

So you can't buy fireworks anymore, so now Canberra is just 50% more shit. Alright, fair enough. Let's get the fuck out of here. Fuck this place and fuck all of you. Everyone out. I hate it here. What? Better than Adelaide. Yeah, everyone's got

that on their CV. And I beg to differ, what time do your bakeries stay open till? Wow. The crowd are incensed. To be fair, I don't know what time Melbourne Bakery's closed, so that's why there's a lot of confused faces

to send. 8pm usually, anyway. Oh, okay. Fuck, 8pm curfew. Yeah. Fuck, it's a prohibition again in Melbourne. This isn't a pie shop, it's a model pie shop. We just sell little replicas of pies. Come on in, officer. That's good stuff. You guys have

cops here right Let's get back to talking about porn No Hey no thanks for having us We've never been here before So thanks We didn't realise that So many people were going to come out

Especially the people That tried to sneak in before Tried and succeeded to be fair Oh yeah Well then they got kicked out Yeah But they were pretty insistent About not getting kicked out.

Yeah. I was dealing with them and I was just fucking out of my depth. I'm like, and I could see you on the other side of the room. I'm like, fuck, get him in here. Bring in the juggernaut. We need the fucking big guns. And it'd become a big old game of good cop, cunt cop. Yeah.

And I'm going, oh, mate, you sort of just have to go. And he's like, I don't want to go. And then this guy from the corner goes, I don't fucking care. He's saying to you, you're going, oh, yeah, I sort of have to leave. And he's like, cool. So what city are you from? It's like, oh, yeah, sweet. Like, just him just ignoring what you're saying and trying to start a conversation.

Yeah, and then in my head I'm going, fuck the people of Canberra, cunts. And then he goes, I'm from Melbourne. Which part are you from? I'm like, oh the people of Canberra, cunts. And then he goes, I'm from Melbourne. Which part are you from? I'm like, oh, God. He's my local barista, Jesus Christ. And I'm going, man, you need to get the fuck out. He's like, oh, you're being a bit rude. I'm like, yeah, that's a fact, but he's another fact.

Get the fuck out. And he goes, you're being a bit of a cunt. And you go, great, I'll be a cunt in here and you go be a cunt out there. Get this guy a gig in security. You've missed your call. I'd love to see you at a nightclub. Fuck, it'd be good. But then he was like going, he was like trying,

like I was just being an arsehole to him because he wouldn't leave. But then he was doing this stuff. He was saying to me this. He's going, yeah, oh, yeah, cool. Good, you know, I can see why you've got so many people here to see you. I'm like, thank you. Yeah, and you've got all those laughs on stage. I'm like, again, thanks.

He's like saying it in a tone like he was insulting me. I'm like, fuck, I'm nearly tempted to let you stay in. I hope this is being piped out into the front bar and he's just there going. And I'm just going, fuck off, just fuck off. And then someone goes, what's your name? And then Dil goes, what's your name, mate? And he goes, Carl. Only the finest.

It's like looking into a mirror. I've got a bit of a follow-up on something from last week's episode that we did at Splendour in the Grass. You read out a text message from a listener at the top of the show where someone had said, hey, I just overheard someone explaining the podcast to a friend who'd never heard it before, saying basically what the show is is Carl's old and Tommy has cancer.

Right? Now, we all had a good laugh at the time. What are you doing? I just knocked over the recorder with a beer. Oh, okay. Well, is it still going? It's still going. Yeah, it's still going.

Okay, good. Shout out to the people at home. So we read out that text. We had a good old laugh at it. I then later find out that that person who texted you, who I overheard, was a very good friend of mine called Adam, who I've known, like one of my

best friends, and it's amazing to me that he said, like he described it as Carlos old and Tommy has cancer. Now he's not my very best friend sure well not not for long he knows me well enough to know that i'm not currently still battling and i i kind of missed that at the time i listened back to that episode and i'm like because we didn't like so that comes up it's like you know you go tommy has cancer but you know people respond but then there were so many people in that tent who'd never heard the show before,

who didn't know who we are. And at no point did we go, that text is a little bit wrong, by the way. We just rolled with it. And I listen back, I'm like, yeah, I am getting a lot of undue laughs in this app. Welcome into the Make-A-Wish tent. Fucking poor guy. Look at him up there. Chemo's kicked in already

The hair's fucking off Brutal Nah nearly died It's good Yeah Fuck me up Fuck my whole life up But we did kick those people out

Because there's There's like fucking This is a weird set up We've never been here before We sort of booked this online We didn't really know What we were in for We should have read

The other reviews On the podcasting section of TripAdvisor when we booked in this place. How would you describe... It feels a bit like someone's holiday house a little bit, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of a bungalow feel? No, it feels like George Washington's fucking school.

Don't you think? We've got a big blackboard. The whole place is made out of wood. Just never heard you make such a current reference. I'm freaking out a little bit. Oh, I've been on the internet. Better than the Chippendale Hotel. Better than the Chippendale Hotel.

Well, that's a reference that no one understands. And it's also wrong because that was better. We get it, mate. You can afford to travel, all right? You don't need to rub also wrong, because that was better. We get it, mate. You can afford to travel, all right? They don't have to rub it into all these schmoes. We get it. You've been to two different states. Everyone else here is like, fuck, going down the street's a big activity, isn't it?

How exciting is this? You've been in a territory and a state. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. We get it. You're following us around the country in your combi van. Good for you. In your wicked camper. The grateful I wish they were both dead.

Let's do another one of those. Alright, go. Let's. Yeah, alright. Pearl jam a gun in your mouth. Yeah! Pearl jam a gum in your mouth Yeah The cunts Instead of the Beatles Yeah

Thanks man You really got me out of a hot pickle there Oh fuck Yeah so we were kicking people out That's how big we are We kick people out Especially people who don't pay. Any one of you could be next.

Yeah. I've got a taste for it now. Not that I did anything. You're pointing at people. You're pointing at people and people are nodding at. Oh, there's people talking. It's turned into Facebook. Two chicks at one.

What? Two chicks at one shut up. Tag a mate who should fuck off. Are there really people in here that are talking? Yeah, us. Oh, yeah. That's who she was pointing at. Shut up.

Stop this nonsense. I think now the girls are looking at us going, can you keep it down? We're trying to have a conversation. Let's never go home. Fuck. This is great. Yeah, we really need to find a better venue

No no It's good It's good So are we done Are we done with the wrap up No Okay you got more I also like

There's two doors There's two doors So it's been very confusing Trying to fucking keep an eye On people coming in two different doors And um There's been a bunch of people Trying to come in the second door

That are honestly coming in going Is this the toilet And it's hard to argue with them. Yeah, it will be in about 20 minutes. So we drove up from Melbourne with our two guests this morning. It's taken us all day to get up here. Now about two hours into the car, we're driving along, someone in the car is telling a story.

You from your seat, your passenger seat, you go, whoa, and you like notice something on the road, which I'm driving. One of the worst things you can do when you're a passenger in a car is to make a very abrupt loud noise like that. I really just directed you from looking at your phone. So and everyone in the car like you'd seen something on the side of the road. Everyone goes

what was it? What's this amazing thing that you saw? And you go nah, I'll save it for the podcast. No worries. We've only got seven more hours of highway to chew up. Fucking hell. Oh, I didn't say this podcast. Like, we'll do one in Perth.

I'll probably have something good for that. No. You'll hear it in a couple of months. I need to know. No, this is literally what I said. Let me drive along the Nullarbor to go to our podcast in Perth. Yeah, there won't be too many things you're going,

whoa, check out that fucking sand. What was it about the sand? I'd better save it. No, saving it for Sydney. This guy will be there. Yeah. Fucking loves it. Old Terry Two States.

A real globetrotter. This is literally what I saw. This is very fertile ground for comedy. So you know when you look on the side of the road and there's little memorials for people that have had accidents? Hey! That's a fact. That's not a thing that I did.

Hey, Dylan Adams, so far it's not sounding like it's worth the wait. No. Oh, no, it's good. It's fucking good. So, you know when people have had accidents or whatever and they put up like a wreath, they put a sign, they put something there, right? So, I looked out the side of the car and I saw this big cross

and a wreath, right, crossing the ground and they had words written on the cross, right? And the words were, Later, bro. So you cunts are holding that in because that is fucking funny. No, they're going, that should have been you. See you, mate. This is my promise to you on this podcast.

If you ever die in a car accident, that's my roadside memorial that I'm going to leave for you. A bunch of moose tied to the pole. Later, bro. Fucking hell, did Bill and Ted have an accident on the way to Canberra? No, that's fucking... You guys are all holding that in because that is fucking choice material. I can't believe you sat on that for so long.

That's fucking so good. I've got all these notes. That's the fucking best thing I've got here. So, enjoy that. Later, bro. We've got to stop off for a photo on the way back. Oh, fuck yeah. Whoa!

Oh, by the way. I've done that before. Alright, I won't talk about that then. What, stopped off to get a photo of a memorial? Yeah, posed with a memorial cross before because it was the same name as someone I know. So I just posed with it.

It's got their name on it and it's just a picture of me going And I then sent it to them Doing a rap squat in front of it Fuck What if that's how you found out We're all gonna die someday Fucking get over it Alright

We might as well Give someone a laugh What if that's how you found out That that memorial Was actually for that person Fuck he hasn't answered this text message. I thought that was pretty funny. This is gold.

Calling up his mum. Your son's being a real cunt. No, no, no. I'm texting with a picture as I've taken it. I'm like, this will be good. Fuck, what's that noise? Oh, he's been buried with his phone. Oh, shit.

It's weird that they choose to bury someone at the exact site of the accident. I like it. I welcome it. Graveyards are too crowded. Get it going. Yeah. People don't want to go in. It's depressing to go to a cemetery.

Not anymore. Just stop by the side of the road near a Macca's. Hey, fuck knows why this has happened but someone's left a fucking big bag of kitty litter Chandler's brand cat litter. And look, that is an actual brand. Yeah, it's an actual brand and they've stuck

a little print out of Carl's head over the cat that's on here. And it says, Tommy's emergency use only when Carl pisses you off or won't stop talking shit. Got me. Fucking edgy gift, bro. Yeah.

That's very good. Just so you know, as soon as we finish the podcast, we'll leave this here. Yeah. That's what I was immediately, I was like, what's my fucking obligation here? I don't want to bring this back with me. The car's already fucking driving up on fucking two wheels. Shout out to the guests that are about to come on. The content mobile, as I like to call it.

I'm going to have to say later, bro, to this cat litter. Right. Is that all the presents? Because we got cupcakes from Steph Wardow Warden. Oh, was that something else that we got as well? Did someone else bring something in? No? Okay, well, you should have.

Well, I've got something to give you. I don't think we've talked about this on an actual episode yet because at the 40th birthday recording... Oh, by the way, did everyone notice that our special guest tonight is one of the pink ladies from the movie Grease? It's a funny little visual joke. Tell me more, tell me more. Is he a disgusting fat fuck?

That's... We literally have been doing fucked song parodies for the entire drive up here. And it's good to know that that wasn't all for nothing. Yeah. That's a more modern reference to the George Washington Cags. So that's something. So we haven't talked about – I don't think we've talked about this on an actual episode yet.

But for the 40th birthday episode or live show that we did during the comedy festival – Yeah. My 40th birthday, not the podcast. Yeah. I presented you with a mock-up of a gift that hadn't arrived yet. And it's actually turned up, so I thought I would present it to you now. This is a birthday

present. Great, thank you. It's from... And my birthday's today. Oh no, it was four months ago. Yeah. Cool. It's from me, Dave Thornton, Nick Cody, Dilruk and Milan Krencevich. It is a gift voucher from Vic Rhodes for $495. The exact amount that it will cost you to get a custom Got Him licence plate.

That's excellent. Thank you very much. From Tommy Dill, Thorno, Milan, Cody, yeah, to our friend Carl, $4.95. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, there's an expiry date on this gift voucher. Yeah. The 30th.

Well, let's see if I can push this thing to the limit. Yeah, I know. Don't fuck around, all right? It's not a Nando's voucher, so please do it as soon as we get back. Nothing would infuriate me more than you never getting the fucking license plate because the voucher expired. I've got quite a substantial fine from Vic Rhodes. Try it on.

That would be great. Try it on. Can you do that? Can you literally pay? Well, you were trying to do your system of not spending money on things. There you go. You've gotten a free custom plate. You're off the hook.

Fuck. Can you do that? Because do you pay money to Vic Rhodes or do you pay to the cops? Why would the people of Canberra know anything about how Vic Rhodes works? Oh yeah, you know Vic Rhodes.

They're basically the same as your Rhodes but more southern. What are you going to hear? Can Rhodes. Yeah, is that what you do? Fireworks roads. Can I roads? Yes, you can roads. That's how you get your licence.

What are you called? What's your equivalent? What's the motor vehicle registry place in Canberra? Access. Oh, you fucked that. Fed up. Just fed up with trying to help us get through this. Do your fucking research.

Stop looking at memorials on the side of the road and do some fucking reading in that card. Jesus. What, sorry? Do some local. You're a cunt and you live here. Yay! Kill me!

I'm going to die here tonight. I've given up. It's a big effort to be more of a Cone and Tony Abbott than in this city, but anyway, you've done it. You've done it. Oh, fuck, sorry. I forgot we were at the fucking liberal headquarters. Oh. I forgot we were at the fucking liberal headquarters. Fuck up, Trump lovers.

All right, let's get a guest on. Wow. All right, do you want to do the introduction that you wrote before for this guest? Yeah, you always do the intros, but I thought of an intro before, so I wanted to do this. I thought of an intro before, so I wanted to do this. This next guest, he's a favourite on the podcast. He's a rising star. You'll see him very soon.

There's an upcoming impro show that's coming onto TV. Welcome to the stage. He's the star of the big new show, Whose Pie Is It Anyway? And still a rock giant singer! Whose pie is it anyway? It's Still Rock Dry Singer! That went good, I thought. That was good. That was alright. Got a good response.

Hello, hello. Carl, you and your puns. That's so cute. Hello. Hi, Cameron. Nice to meet you. It is... Can you hear me well? Good.

Hey, you guys are either really, really lovely or a bunch of absolute assholes, right? I don't know. A couple of people at the back would have seen this. So there were those two girls who were chatting the whole time through and they just would not stop even after you guys pointed it out. So I finally had to go up to them and say to them hey you realize that the two people they were talking about were you and I was like can you please keep it down and

she goes cool story bro I got a cool story bro I'm like are you serious you're raising your voice again you know she was cool story bro what is wrong with you people so I walk away and then they start chatting again. So I just kept staring them down and that did the trick. They're fucked off. So all you need is a brown guy staring at women if you want them to leave.

How are they in here? Don't we have someone on the door that's fucking stopping people? No, you should know the answer to that. The person responsible just left. Where's everyone so tightly wound up in this city? Bring back the fucking porn for fuck's sake. You guys need to do some big cums and just get all the aggression out that way

before you go out in public. Jesus Christ. Everyone do one now. We all did one in the car on the way up here just to make sure that we were chilled out before the party. I did one at the car on the way up here just to make sure that we were chilled out before the party. I did one at the gravesite. Is that what the C stands for in ACT? Australian Calm Territory?

Yeah. This is the worst part about those assholes. I mean, I don't want to say bitches. Why are you saying assholes? It's like you're fucking American. I'm trying not to say cunts, but that's what they were. Good try. But the worst part about those idiots was that I missed the entire story

about what you were yelling about when we drove past, so I don't even know what that is. Tell it again. Now I have to wait till I hear, wait till the episode comes out. No. No, don't tell it again. I saw it bombed. Don't tell it again.

Please don't tell it again. I saw it bombed. I'll tell it again. Please don't say bomb. In Canberra. It's back. I'm bringing the system down from inside. Fucking hell. And the second thing that I was really excited about is Tommy. You know, Tommy gave Carl the present from me and the other guys. That was really cool.

It got him number plate. Here's a question, Tommy. Hey, when did you get the money for all those presents from the rest of us? Six years ago. No, seriously? It was just after the comedy festival. Yeah, how long ago was that? I've had it.

I've just been waiting for the perfect moment. I wanted to save it for the people of Canberra to give to him. I think this cunt's been earning interest off me. That's what I want to get. I used to be an accountant, so I've done the maths. You owe me 40 cents. Good luck getting that out of him. Hey, Dil, I've got something that I need to tell you.

So I saw my mum yesterday. Oh, yeah, give me a hundred bucks. Yeah, get it all fucking out of the way. Got himself. Yeah, well, of course you saw your mum yesterday. Now I've got the number plate. I know Will Anderson rang me during the stand-up show, but I think Tim's ringing me now

I like that you made a joke about a person who doesn't exist calling you and then checked your phone to see if it was actually happening No, because we did a stand-up show before we did the podcast for people listening at home and Will Anderson rang me like three times and now I'm like, cool, I'll just wait until he rings me back No, it still isn't I just wonder what he's ringing me back. No, it still isn't. All right.

So I just wonder what he's ringing me about. This is a great thread. Maybe we'll find out by the end of the podcast. So, yeah, my dad is turning 70 at the end of this year. So that makes him this right at the moment. What do you think, Carl? You do the maths. Dinner for twosies.

So fucking good. No, no. Stop eating the maths. Dinner for twosies. So fucking good. Stop eating the mic. Alright, let's... Someone just yelled, I can't believe this is happening. What's... Yeah, I can't believe it. A tech issue with the little dum-dum club. Unbelievable.

Hey, so... Hey, Carl, let's host the show together. I think I've always wanted to be the actual host of this Dum Dum Club podcast. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new edition of the Little Dum Dum Club. My name is Dilrub Jaisingha. And with me for the first time ever is Carl Chandler. G'day, fat fuck. Yay! We went to Splendid Regards last week.

We did. I think people heard. Yeah. That we... Yeah. So you... We sort of mentioned that. You kept saying to us today,

you should have mentioned more times that you'd been drinking for 12 hours by the time you got on the podcast. I thought so. I felt like it was unfair to just unleash me onto a microphone. It was unfair of us for you to drink for 12 hours. Just give a, you know, like people have parental warnings, you know. The following program may feature a completely maggoted fat Sri Lankan man who thinks it's hilarious to be homophobic in front of a gay man.

That should have been a disclosure. And also this fat man might not realise that people in the audience don't realise that him and the gay man are actually friends. And that might be a lot of awkward chat. Hey, how bad? It's on you. So, we're sorry you're homophobic. Alright, I'm going to suck a dick tonight

just to make sure that I'm not homophobic. Alright, listen. We've all been waiting to see Tommy's big old dick. I'll do it right now. I will suck the radiation out of your cock. All right, to the listeners at home, he's been drinking again, okay? It was 13 hours this time. It's just now he's been drinking milkshakes for 12 hours.

Hey, it did bring all the boys to George Washington's yard. So you did do a lot of drinking. After the podcast last week, we were given unwisely a lot of access to free drinks backstage, and we did drink a lot. And I got stuck with you for some reason. Oh, I got stuck with you. Oh, my good friend Carl Chandler. Oh, I got stuck with you.

No, but I sort of felt like I had to babysit because you were violently drunk. You were very, very drunk. Whoa, when you say violently drunk, by that you mean I am smiling and rolling on the floor going, Whee! The difference is I don't realise that I'm a human cannonball just wrecking things left, right and centre. I'm just very happy to be alive.

Oh, no, no, you're very positive about it, but you were crushing everything in your wife. Now you guys know how the tsunami started back in Sri Lanka. Oh fuck, anyway. Later bro. Maybe it wasn't the alcohol, I just misread the crowd all the time.

We were backstage and you were drinking a lot and we got to a point where you were just constantly falling over. You were so drunk and I never thought I'd ever have to do this. But I came up to you and I'm like, I think you need something to eat. Oh, so look at that. Everyone turned around and have a look at that.

Yeah, got him. Yeah, got him. Someone just flashed their nipples that spelt out got him. Yeah, got him. Someone just flashed their nipples that said, spelt out, got him. It was great. If you didn't come to this gig, you fucking missed out. Someone held up an A4 sheet of paper. It was pretty special.

Oh, mate, come on. A3. Sorry, it was A3. Jesus. Just some bit of respect. I've given him half the credit was due. But yes, to be honest, you're right. There's one particular incident where I had rolled off my seat onto the floor. What the fuck? It makes you sound way more delicate than you are. Hey, I am the Swan Lake.

Hey, people in Canberra, you fucking felt it. Don't deny it. But I'd rolled off and someone was like, help him up. And Carl goes, yeah, I'm helping, I'm helping. And he just started taking a series of photos of me trying to get back on. It's like when you tip over a turtle or something who just can't move the centre of gravity back on there. I was like a beached whale.

People started throwing water so that I can go back into. It was beer, actually. So I got you out of there and we went I said, right, I'm babysitting you. We're going to go and get something to eat. So we went and there was a heap of stuff to choose between. Is this the pasta place? Yeah. Oh! Before you say this, can I say

what happened to me? Sure. No. I'm going to tell a story of what happened to you. No, no, no. I think, let me try. Let me try. No, I got this. I think... Let me try. Let me try. Just let me... No, I got this. This is great. Trust me. So trust me, please, please. Please, please, please, please.

I swear I'll tell it better. No. Okay, I'll tell... You can tell your story. My story's different. Let's put it to a vote. My story's different. Who wants to hear Carl tell it?

Wait, wait, wait. Who wants to hear Dil tell it? But it's... Who's regretting paying for this? Why hear Dil tell it? He'll just make himself sound better. This will be funnier for this? Why, he'll tell it. He'll just make himself sound better. This will be funnier for a minute. No, no, no, Kyle.

We've worked together enough. Trust me. All right. I don't know what your story is, Kyle. I'm not even talking about your story. Who's a fan of Quentin Tarantino? That's what we're going to do, right? So this was Friday night.

Both tell it at the same time. No, Friday night is when the podcast happened. Saturday night, Kyle's already fucked off back to Melbourne. I am walking around the food trucks trying to figure out, what am I going to try? I've had, you know, the burgers. What's left that I haven't tried? That is literally the thought process that went through my head.

I'm like, I've tried that, tried that, tried that. That was a midnight snack. I've tried that, I've tried that. No, that's empty, that's empty, that's empty. They're all just like rolling in cash. Our deal's been here. But then I went, oh,

the pasta place. I haven't tried that out yet. So I go to there and I'm like, Hey, can I get whatever the, you know, four pastas and, and they go,

oh, cool. No worries. And she goes, how do I know you? And I go, and in my head, I'm so fucking egotistical.

I'm like, oh, did you see him with the stand up gig the little podcast she goes no no hey Jen

how do we know him? And then she goes oh oh you're the troublemaker from last night and I go what? She goes

you are hilariously troublemaking and I'm like no I think you're being racist you saw Kamal he was that's what you saw she goes no no no hilariously troublemaking. And I'm like, no, I think you've been racist. You saw Kamal. He was, that's what you saw.

She goes, no, no, no. I didn't say that, obviously. But she goes, no, no, you were here. You were here. And I said, was I a man? And she goes, no, it was funny. You were more apologetic of your taller mate. Oh.

And I said, I'm sorry. She goes, no, you're fine. For a second, like, just then I realised I thought you said toilet mate. But I still got it. It's a big, big piece of poo. So that's what I... And so to go back to your story, I genuinely have no recollection of anything you're about to say.

All right, cool. So we went to the pasta place to start with. And I went, I'm going to get this. And you stood in front of it and went, nah, this looks shit. Sounds like someone's making some trouble. But then you were like trying to hit on the girl in the caravan. I was like, you know, was I nagging? Is that what I was doing? You were like trying to hit on the girl in the caravan. Wow. I was like, you know, was I nagging?

Is that what I was doing? Your place is shit, but coming back to 1066. Fuck, it was hard to know what you were trying because you were so drunk. I'm like, okay, I just want to order some food. And you're like, no, I'm not fucking having this. I'm going to go to that caravan right there. I'm going to go there. I'm like, okay.

So I sat there and I ordered a pasta. You know what you are? You're a feeder. You need content for this podcast. So you're going, oh, he's losing a bit of weight. Let's get him more food in him. There you go, champion. Oh, yeah, this is my fault.

Did you not hear the opening? I blame you guys for everything. My homophobia, my obesity. It's the dumb, dumb, dumb part. Fuck, if only you're burger phobics. Anyway. Did you say burger because

oh yeah right no let's get through this story so I ordered you took off you go

I'm gonna go to that caravan fuck this place and I was apologetic of you because you were so drunk I was like

I'm really sorry about him I'll have this pasta whatever they were cool about it I waited got the pasta went went up to you.

You were like very drunkenly leaning on this caravan a couple down going, oh. The caravan just tipped over. Yeah. So I'm sitting there. I eat the whole pasta. You're still waiting. Good boy. And I go, you know what?

I'm going to go back. I'm still hungry. I went back to another caravan that was a pizza-making caravan. I ordered. I waited. They cooked the pizza. I got it. to go back. I'm still hungry. I went back to another caravan that was a pizza-making caravan. I ordered. I waited. They cooked the pizza. I got it. I came back.

I ate half of it. I came up to you. You're still waiting. For the pasta that I thought was coming. No, you're still waiting for this other caravan. And I go, how have I ordered and eaten two whole meals and you're still waiting for your first one? And he goes, they said I didn't order

anything. You just leaned on a caravan for half an hour. And you were going, where's my meal? And they're like, you never ordered. Dude, dude, I'm on a diet. I was not going to have a snack at that time. No, then you ate

the other half of my pizza. You were not on a diet. Fuck, I love music festivals. How fun are they? Oh, let's get a guest on. All right, folks, this next guest, you've heard him on the show before. You saw him before at our stand-up show. Let's get the other one on.

Oh. He's much more high profile than that fucking schlup. Yeah, that's why you save him for the end, you dumb cunt. No, but if he's on now, he's on for longer. Alright, folks. This is like the Muppet Show. The two dumb cunts at the top of the room going... Folks, you know him from Q&A.

Please welcome into the little dumb dumb club, Senator Sam Dasty. Yay! from Q&A. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Senator Sam Dasty-Arby. You know him from Q&A. Yeah. You know him from Q&A. You know him from deciding the future of this country. Does this microphone work?

Yeah, that one works. You just spat in my face. Oh, fuck you. Sorry, I'm just putting down my halal beer. Can I just start by saying, what the fuck is wrong with your fans? There are three type of people who feel it's appropriate to abuse me

on the street when they meet me. Fuck, only three. You should come into my world. ABC. Firstly, ice addicts. Secondly, white supremacists. ABC. Firstly, ice addicts. Yeah. Secondly, white supremacists. Yeah.

And thirdly, fans of the Dum Dum Club. Yeah. They love it. Like, seriously, okay,

either you have a huge, huge following that I wasn't aware of or every single one of your fans thinks it's appropriate to approach me in the street and start bagging the living shit out of me.

I'm not sure which one of these two is true. I know what you mean. We have this one really weird fan who donates to us on Patreon and he's always going on on the telly and banging on about chips and sauce. He's a fucking lunatic. Hey, if you think you've got it bad,

I can read out your phone number if you like. No, no, fuck you. I'll tweet your phone number if we're going to go down that path. Oh, yeah, it'll get out to the one person who doesn't know it. Great. Give it to your mate Pauline. So we did see a bit of this because you were travelling around and every now and then we would get a photo of a listener of the show wearing one of their T-shirts posing with you in the street.

But it sounds like you got – are there any ones that stand out? Okay. They all stand out. The one I love was – okay. It's six days out from the election, right? So federal election. I don't know. Carl, I don't even understand how it all works.

And by the way, thanks for fucking inviting me to your Canberra show. Let's be clear. I represent New South Wales. I don't live here. I'm going to explain to you how parliament actually works. Please. That's what these guys are here for. Isn't it like the Big Brother house?

You just locked in there? Six days out from the election. Wait, there was an election? Six days out from the election, right? And look. Wait, there was an election? Yeah, there was an election.

Hey, we lost. Carl's familiar with that. I fucking voted for you. You're in fucking Melbourne. You did not vote

for me. I'm a New South Wales senator. I literally looked for you on the ballot. That says more about you than not vote for me. I'm a New South Wales senator. I literally looked for you on the ballot. That says more about you than it says about me.

I voted for the marijuana party, man, because I'm cool. That's right, that's right. And how are the T-Birds going, mate? Six days out from the election, right? I'm in Brisbane. I'm with Bill Shorten We're with his security

Alright babe We all know Bill Shorten Fuck it We all have something on We all have something on Right yeah that's right No no We don't all have this podcast

Some of us have to actually work for a living And by the way Re-elected for six years Thanks for the thank you text message Till Rook sent me one It's called a job mate Yeah is thanks for the thank you text message. Tilrook sent me one. It's called a job, mate. Yeah.

We should have gone Noxian. I hate this. Whoever said that fireworks were banned in Canberra was wrong. I can't believe we've been out-cunted on our own podcast. He fucked us and he got on a roundabout and came back and did it again. Six days out. I'm up in Brisbane. I'm with Bill.

Bill who? Bill Shorten. Not Colby. Who didn't win? You know, not my cousin Bill Rook. Not that fat fuck. Oh, you're going down, mate. Downtown. So, you know, I'm crossing the street. We've just had, you know, look, the polling's down.

There's been this thing called Brexit. Now, Carl, you've got to understand. Did you say breakfast? There used to be this thing called Europe. Yes. And it chose to leave and it was a big deal. I know you're saying this like you're trying to neg me, but I'm appreciating learning. And we're six days out from election.

The polling's gone down. It's all going back. And I get this guy from across the street yells like, hey, fucking dickhead. So I'm thinking to my own occasion, Addict Is he a white supremacist Or is he a fan of the Dumb Dumb Club Yep Or all three Yeah all three

By the way That Venn diagram They all look the same That's Fleety And it wasn't Greg Fleet So what did you What did you buy So what did you buy with the 20 bucks

You didn't have to give him So the guy crosses the street And he starts going to him He goes oh mate So what did you buy with the 20 bucks you didn't have to give him? So the guy crosses the street and he starts going to me and goes, oh, mate, he goes, oh, what the fuck were you doing on that podcast with those two dickheads? Tommy Daslow and Carl Chandler. I go, okay, okay, this is a bit. Okay, so he's a dumb, dumb fan. We worked out where he sits in this Venn diagram.

And he goes to me, he goes, oh, mate, he goes, and he starts going on and on and on. And then I realised he knows a shitload about your podcast. And he actually knew a lot. And I go, mate, have you listened to their podcast before? Because you're abusing me for having gone on it. And he goes, oh, yeah, I've listened to, you know, 296 of their fucking episodes.

And I thought to myself, this is one of your biggest fans. Yeah. This is what your fans do to people who appear on your podcast. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you. I like your podcast. I listen to your podcast

because I actually enjoy it. If I hated your podcast as much as most of your fans hate your podcast, I just wouldn't fucking listen. Yeah. Don't give them ideas. I think most of them don't know that's an option.

Too dumb to work out the unsubscribe button. This is a funny thing. During the stand-up show, Dasty Aria was sort of, sorry, senator. Can I have my official title? The People's Senator. The People's Senator.

Look how fucking smug he was after that? The People's Senator. The People's Senator. Look how fucking smug he was after that. The People's Senator. He's gone back into serious mode. Jesus. My God. Gee, you're like the Terminator. Who elects all the other senators then? You know, hey, he answered your question.

No, he said, hmm. Oh, man, he can't explain everything. Come on. Can you get us into Parliament after this gig? Can we just go joyride in there? Let's do it. Man, imagine doing a live podcast. I'm sorry that you're one of the 5% who voted for Pauline.

But the rest of us didn't count. Hey, I'm a fan. Carl's been drilling me because he's not sure who I voted for. There's a part of him, I think, who genuinely thinks that I might have voted Liberal. Yeah, because my rule of thumb is I say to people, just to stir them up, who'd you vote for? And you go, not telling. And I'm like, Liberal.

But that's true. Like, I mean, generally, if you go, hey, who voted Liberal in here? Bold. Did you? Very bold. Good on you, mate. Good on you for being honest. Good on you for being honest.

Good on you for being honest because there will be other people in here that didn't because you always feel ashamed of doing it. And you'll get fucking... Hey, he won. So, hey, you know what? I feel like... Yeah, exactly. They won.

There's only one person in here that voted for him. That doesn't add up. Yeah, it's just the podcast audience don't... Yeah. Five minutes later, Kevin Rudd's going to walk in and start talking about the fucking UN. Yeah. But yeah, I feel like in Canberra, you know,

we're in the ACT. Ask me again, Carl. Oh, okay. Dil? How did you get that fact? No. You were there with me last week and you know how. I know what party you voted for. Party pies.

No. Dil, who did you vote for? Not telling. Listen, so we were watching the stand-up show. Oh, thanks for setting me up for that do the stand-up show that's yeah is a little bit further away from me I'm standing it right at the back and almost literally after every one of your punchlines he just turned back and look at me and just shake his head the best part is afterwards we're having a very earnest chat. He goes, man, I can't believe this is so cool. Look at this.

We're in Canberra, and it's packed out. These guys, you know, they bag each other up, but they've got such a great following. It's so amazing that, you know, they're able to bring this, you know, that sense of humor and bring all these people together. It's such a beautiful thing. And then he goes, but without the podcast, I saw their stand-up. They would struggle.

And you know what they say, politicians don't lie. We were standing up the back, Dil. Fucking Pauline Hanson's looking pretty good at the moment. While we were standing up the back while Carl was on, Dil, you go, fucking Dasty Ari's over there. He won't fucking stop talking. He's over there with his mates. He won't shut the fuck up. I look over and I go, that's not Dastyari. That's

another one. We all look the same to you, fucking swankers. Yeah, that's right. All skinny people look the same to you. There you go. There's a certain dimension that I can't see beyond.

I don't see anything under 100 kilos. I'm like the speed bus. Fucking weird, but we'll go with it. It felt like it was relevant, but it was not. Yeah, it was good. I liked it. Oh, fuck, I'm going to win Sam back. I'm a genuine fan of yours, but I've got

nothing but negged by you. You know why? Because he knows the tone of this podcast. He knows how to win your fans over. Shit on Carl. Yeah, fair enough. Should we get our next guest out here? Have we got enough microphones for it? Folks, yeah.

This guy, I started introing him before. You've seen him earlier. He's been on the podcast before. Please welcome him to the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Adam Knox. Here he comes. Walking down the street. Probably as fat as I am. I'm sorry.

What do I hear? Can I say, how the fuck did you decide you're going to drive to Canberra? I looked it up this morning. They were $69 flights to Canberra. What? The magic number. $69 flights

and he chose to drive for 13 hours just so you could try and work out some material with Dilrock. And you came up with one joke and it wasn't even funny. Oh no, it was funny

I had a dead person at the side of the road that's the best material you got hey I know they they held it in but on Twitter

I'll get some mentions of that maybe you're like no that was funny guys fuck Canberra when this is edited together people are going to think I died on the way up

I just didn't thank you for finally having me on before by the way you did introduce me as I. Thank you for finally having me on before, by the way. You did introduce me as I was halfway towards the stage. Yeah. I said, like, nah. A little small time.

Send him back. To be honest, I don't remember your name. It's Dwayne the Senator Johnson. The people's senator. And then while I was up the back when I was meant to be here, Dil waggles a fucking empty pint glass at me and points and goes, go on, mate. And I bought it once.

But this is the way that we do our guests. We go, fat, skinny, fat. You can't go fat, fat, skinny. That doesn't work. That's true. It'll be unbalanced. Everyone knows that podcast rule. Like when we had Adam Richard, me and Dave O'Neill on the one stage.

Everyone's like, oh, this is all if I'm Cirque du Soleil. We shouldn't have me and Dilby sharing the mic. The two greediest people here. Both have the same mic. Like a chicken roll. I wish. Knox, so we didn't get, last time we had you on, we kind of like, we had you on on an episode

where we discovered the whole, the story of Carl with the webcam. So we actually didn't get to know much about you at all. You grew up on the peninsula of Victoria. Yeah. You've got like, you're someone who has a lot of great stories from going up that I'm a big fan of. That we didn't get to last time. Sure, do you want all of them in order?

Please. Lock the doors, we're here for eight hours now. It's Canberra, they've got nothing better to do. Let's hear about a real state and what it's like to live there. Yeah, you can't sign even a fucking state. You're a territory, so... And Carl definitely knows the difference. You're a territory, so... And Carl definitely knows the difference.

Hey, I vote. Who'd you vote for? Grains. That's alright. But they give a preference to your mob, so that's something. I'm just going to let that one fucking slide. By the way, can I just say really, I'm so pissed off about what the thing that made you go,

whoa, was. That's great. I've never heard you be that enthusiastic about anything. And before you say, like, oh, that's because you usually see me when I'm watching your stand-up. And I know that's what you were going to do. And so I'm going to get in there first. That's good.

This guy doesn't even listen to the show when he gets in. You could write for me. This is like when they take a reporter to see Hannibal Lecter and they're like, this is how you get in the mind of a serial killer. Before you say all this fucking shit, I know what you're about to set me up for. Edit point. Note to Tommy, edit point. Don't share the mic anymore, Adam.

All right, yeah, here you go, Dil. Alright, I'll tell you a quick story about my childhood. Just to clear things up, later bro on a gravesite is fucking a good story. Anyway. I reckon very evidently there is disagreement about that.

But people don't like they're not going to cheer and stand and hang from the rafters and go, a grave, yes. Then why did you insist on saving it for them? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can I just confirm? So the big thing about the story was it said later, bro. And the reason I didn't hear it because that bitch said.

Whoa. No, she did. Fuck, all of a sudden my gravesite story sounds pretty good. No, because she goes, cool story, bro. Oh. Fuck. Maybe it was a ghost. Maybe she never existed.

Maybe that's who died. No, sorry, that joke just died. The person who wrote it wasn't the dead person, so the person who died might not have said bro. Anyway, it's not important. By the way, when you walked over to them before. Let's open up that kitty litter. it's not important the point by the way when you walked over

to them let's open up that kitty litter let's see if there's anything in there when you walked up to those

two girls who were chatty before Dil I was so sure you were going to hit on them I was like 100% convinced

like you went people who don't understand social conventions I might have a chance and wandered over the one thing I hate is people A bit like you went, people who don't understand social conventions, I might have a chance. I wandered over. The one thing I hate is people interrupting comedy.

Well, you do it all the time. Yeah. We're trying to be funny over here and you keep butting in. Good night. Yeah, alright. I know what story you want. Do you want me to just tell a kind of funny story? Not a kind of funny one, a really funny one. About a memorial that you saw.

Let's remain at medium. I'm, alright. You know, when you were a kid, you were all there once. I was, we lived on the peninsula it's kind of a country town I don't know if you get that

coming from Canberra and fuck I didn't say anything's wrong with the country I said it's beautiful we made fires and stuff that was what we did

well check out the Adam Knox fan club just boosting with numbers anything's more than zero so that's fine I we were sitting at a fire one day I think is a story you want to hear and I have this Anything's more than zero So that's fine I We were Sitting in a fire one day I think is the story

You want to hear And I have this Well he's not a friend He's kind of Well you'll hear this He's a His name's Alex Quinn And

Alright mate Do we not give out Personal information On this podcast Yeah I thought that was Kind of like one of the Key tenets

Yeah that's what we're saying Get to the fucking address and phone number or shut up. It comes in at some point. So we're sitting around a fire. How do you make a fire bigger? If you're an idiot you pour oil, gasoline on it, which this guy did

and I've never seen someone catch on fire quicker. Or ever. He wasn't the human torch. Yeah, no, he wasn't. He was barely a human. So he starts pouring this gasoline on the fire. It moves onto his pants because the

fire goes up the gasoline spout and he freaks out. He's waving it around throwing it all over this yard that we're in. It goes on his pants and this is where the fun begins. Towards the third half of the story, or whatever. The second third

is what I meant. Not important. Point is, his pants are on fire. I've got a feeling the fractions are the best part of this story. I start making jokes about fat people soon so you're going to like it. Alex Quinn, he's a big boy at this point. He would have lit right up with all that oil running on his body.

He's got grease on his pants. He's got fire on his pants, which is worse. So he is on fire. He goes, like the first thing that this idiot thinks to do is, fuck, my pants are on fire. I better take them off with my hands. So he reaches down into a pit of flame that's on his legs and burns himself in a perfect that he still has a scar, I believe,

in the shape of a zipper on the back of his hand, which is unique and kind of cool if he goes to prison, which he will. Do you go to prison for burning yourself? Well, no. What happened to that monk whenever the guy was protesting? 25 to life. Yeah. So his pants are on fire. What happened to that monk whenever the guy was protesting? 25 to life. So his pants are on fire.

A lot of people know that monk here in Canberra, so just please. He drops to the ground and again, I want to point out he's a return boy. So as he drops to the ground to stop, drop and roll, not every part of his body towards his legs really reaches the ground. He sort of lands on more of a stomach kind of an area. So there's just sort of a pit of flame in the crevice between, sort of where his genitals are, which are important to everybody. Anyway, the reason I said his name's Alex Quinn is because we called him Quindenburg forever from then.

We swine. It all came around in the back The fifth quarter Well the thing is Kyle's laughing harder Because he saw someone Rolling around last weekend In the exact same fashion

Oh yeah No I like how everyone laughed At someone catching on fire Just not the grave site So Yeah cool Is he alive Alex? I don't guess

It might have been in that grave Was it a white grave? I'm just surprised he didn't look at his pants and go, ooh, grilled. Great stuff. I'm done. Tommy told me to tell that story and I'm done. I love it.

That's good. Cracking story. So, Sam. Now let's change gears to politics. Just moving on. No, no, yeah, yeah. That's fine. But, Sam, talking about you, because you've been in the news, you know, the election's been on. No, no, yeah, yeah. No, it's fine. But Sam, talking about you, because you've been in the news,

the election's been on, you've been very, what would you say? You've been very visual. Yeah, you're having a moment. Yeah. Yeah, you've been seen. People are aware of me, I think. Yeah, there you go. Not aware for your mob to have gotten in

but anyway but every time we mention you and you know we love everyone that's been on our show so we mention you on social media

or whatever fucking hell is that a bat signal for dumb cunts every time we mention you or whatever's going oh man they come out of the woodwork

oh the racist and the rednecks or Dilruch yeah well you just said option A or option A. He said woodwork, not footwork. But fuck, I cannot imagine. Like, I cop enough on text messages, on fucking everything.

I cop so much from people that apparently like me. But man, you must cop so fucking much. I cannot believe. I'm telling you, I cop nothing more than from your fucking fans. You've not made it better for yourself here because you're saying that their fans approach you too often and then your way to deal with that is to tell them

all their cunts. They're definitely going to do it more now. It's your word, not mine. And by the way, can I just say, and don't edit this out of the podcast, can we say happy birthday to Duncan up the back there? It's his 30th birthday and he chose to waste it with you guys.

So happy birthday, Duncan. Happy birthday, Duncan. As a present to you, I'm editing this moment out of the podcast. I'll read out Tommy's phone number so it has to go. 0438. Edit point. Can I say, look, three, eight. Edit point.

Can I say, look, I've been really worried about you guys lately. I'll be honest with you. No, no, I've been worried. He cares about the people. No, I care. Look, I'm the people's senator. I care about the people. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about us,

that we're people. I've just got re-elected for six years. All right, mate, you said it twice now. Six more years. Six more years. about us that we're people I've just got I've just got re-elected for six years alright mate you said it twice now alright six more years six more years is that legal

I don't know it's called six years of a job I'll explain it to you guys later but look I know that there's been people

on this podcast who've done pretty well you know off the podcast thank you and the key one well no

the key one's not here he's over in the US, Ronnie Chang. Yeah. And I thought to myself, what's the most useful gift I can get you guys? And I thought,

you know what you guys desperately need? Fuck me. Signed autograph by Ronnie Chang. Business card holders with motivational messages. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So I got you guys both a business card holder with a motivational message Which will inspire you when you think about what to do next with your career So engraved on it it says What would Ronnie do? Fuck Alright

Is there any way you can get autism in Canberra? I think what Ronnie would do is You've ruined the top of this It used to be smooth This is stupid now Oh the donkey from Shrek's turned up. That's cool. It's so cute that Sam thinks they need

business cards. Well, this'll hold marijuana, I guess. That's cool. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Senator Sam. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, yeah. What you were setting up, and it's sort of what we got a bit of a preview of earlier

with you dealing with the people who snuck in. So anytime we mention Sam Dastyari in a tweet, the freaks come out of the fucking woodwork. Yeah. But you're kind of in your element. Like you then go toe-to-toe with these people. I sort of run the Twitter account. When you tweet us, I am the one that's running it.

Tommy's got the access to the email address, and I run the one that's running it Tommy's got the access to the email address so I run the Twitter and we both run the Facebook so whenever I mention Sam

finally a glimpse behind the curtain so that's how it all works so whenever I mention you Sam I just get all

the fucking hillbillies of Australia hitting me up who runs the Instagram sorry ironically Ronnie

what would Ronnie do run our Instagram yeah sorry yeah yeah so we we just get fucking every time I mention you

we just get every people are just fucking searching your name and anyone's got anything to do with you just fucking hits us up and goes

ah fuck you fuck why don't you shove a fucking pork roll down Sam's mouth or whatever. I think they think I'm trying to impose Sharia law or as Pauline calls it Shazza's law.

Fuck you should have done stand up before. It couldn't have been worse than you guys. I'm looking at the business card holder fuck you you fucking piece of shit. You try getting up there and doing it. It's fucking hard. What the fuck are you doing up there back there in the shadows?

Fuck, you sound a little bit censored here. But on a serious note, can I say, I know I'm actually a seriously huge fan of you guys. But the thing I don't get is, the people who have used me for the straight... Hang on, I like the first bit, but we're about don't get is the people who abuse me for the strength. Hang on. I like the first bit, but we're about to cop a backhander. No, no, no.

Here's what I get. The people who abuse me constantly for having appeared on your podcasts. I have to ask the question. If I – I don't know if it's a thing or your fans genuinely hate you. Yeah. I can't work it out if that's a shtick or it's actually a real thing. Yeah, we don't really know either at this point. We're still trying to work that out.

You're riding the wave. A couple of years ago, I was like, oh, this is a funny bit that they're doing. And now it's like, oh, this feels real. Yeah. Oh, we get so much stuff. I'm a fan. I think you guys are hilarious, but I think I'm in the minority. No, no, that's me.

No, no, no, no, you look like a majority to me No, I think it's just like, let's be honest It is the little banter that we have Between us mates and all the time We just rip into each other Your fans listen in, feel a part of it And think, you know what? Tommy's cancer is funny

Let's rip into him Because that's what his mates do. You're not his mates. You're just someone on the internet going, fuck, you survived a very, very horrible disease. You're shit. But the reality is I think it's their version of showing we love you too. Yeah. It's a pretty shit way of showing it.

There's a pretty easy way to say that. Love you guys. Yeah, but that's not funny. Hey, mate, this is only your second appearance. You cop it. I love these guys, but I'm not going to tell them that. Aww. What a disgusting fat fuck.

Much better. Okay, well, let me finish this thing that I started saying before. So it's my dad's birthday at the end of the year. What is he now? 69? He's 69. Let's go back in circles. Yeah, and feeling fine.

Hang on, hang on. Let's just be clear. So Tommy's dad's got a birthday this year. Oh, fuck, all right. Hey, Tommy, when are you going to give him his present? In four months as well Is he going to have to Pay for it himself

He's going to have to get it off Off Tommy's mum So I saw my mum the other day And she was like saying Oh so what dad is wanting to do For his birthday Is to have a dinner at the house With like

The brothers And his brothers And you And he was thinking His brothers is not like a gang Me and the brothers The guys that he met in Well, he's brothers. He's not like a gang. Me and the brothers. The guys that he met in prison.

Oh, what did you go in there for? Being the best dad in the world. Love you, mate. Thanks for listening to my podcast. There's your present. See? Sincerity. Not fun.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But anyway, my mum goes, yeah, and he was thinking it'd be nice if, like, you know, if you want to bring along a couple of, like, younger people that we know, bring Dilrook. Dad would love it. Bring Dilrook to his birthday dinner. If you want to bring a couple of people. Because my parents have, like, met you a bunch of times, and mum's like, yeah, that'd be fun, you know,

we could fat him at the dinner. I love that you found one person you could do a fat joke with. I know. It's fantastic. And then mum starts going, yeah, just be great having him at the dinner because he's so funny and he's so cuddly. Imagine having someone around them who's funny. They've been waiting for 29 years.

But she just started pushing it too far. She starts going, and just imagine him at the table. I mean, I can't wait to see what your uncles would make of him. It's like... This is like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Sidney Boykir. It's like I'm an explorer and I've captured a rare bird and they want me to come and show off this exotic

specimen. It's dinner for schmucks. Dinner for disgusting paddocks. Anyway, Friday November 3rd, are you inrd Are you in? Are you in town? Hang on, hang on You're asking Is Dill in for dinner?

No, but this is the other bit Of I enjoyed Mum's like Yeah, get Dill Bring Dill along No mention of Carl Chandler Coming along Why are we surprised?

Sorry, sorry Are we going to get through A whole podcast Where no one mentions Tommy Daslow's moustache? Because I know Visual jokes work really well On this podcast Are we going to get through a whole podcast where no one mentions Tommy Daslow's moustache? Oh. Because I know visual jokes work really well on this podcast. Yes. Is that your birthday present to your dad, shaving that off?

Yeah. It's like Movember on crack. Yeah. What is the thought behind the mo? I mean, having a mo. Oh, yeah. I love roofing. Yeah.

I don't mind mos. Who's a fan of Tommy's Mo? Who wants to ride it? There's three blokes in the crowd Looking very interested right now All of them with shit moustaches Lay off our president Even the guy who voted Liberal didn't vote for you I love it The one Liberal voter who's like the hero now Going yeah good on you man Even the guy who voted Liberal didn't vote for you.

I love it when the one Liberal voter is like the hero now, going, yeah, good on you, man. Good on you for being honest. Honesty is the best policy. Fuck you. News.com.au. You heard it here. Oh, can I get another beer, please? Yeah, that's the one guy in the audience that's going,

I think at least two-fifths of this panel should be sent back to their own country. But anyway. I am from England. That's true. Hey, Dastyari, what's with you? What's your deal with the tan? All right, Pauline. What does that mean? What's the deal with you? Sorry, right, Pauline. What does that mean?

What's the deal with you? Sorry, are you asking me whether or not I'm Muslim? Why has your name got too many vowels in it? Dilrug Jai, anyway, whatever. Oh, I'm aware. I'm aware of what I was asking. No, no, no, no, no. No, clearly, when you get the racial humour from Dilrug Jai,

singer from Sri Lanka, you know that's when you hear fucking rock bottom of this podcast. No, rock bottom is being on this podcast. Sam, when you were on Q&A, you thought you were dealing with dumb cunts then. Hey, by the way, if anyone didn't see Q&A, Destiari's summation of Pauline Hanson and how she has become successful is probably one of my favorite things

I've ever seen in politics so round of applause for that that was fucking awesome the way you looked at it the way you looked at it and you said and you do it

very well Miss Hans oh my god I chubbed up so hard at that point I knocked one off to all the immigrants for that moment it was

I came for freedom Tearook Tearook you say that to all the immigrants for that moment. I came for freedom. Teal Rook, you say that to all the boys. The ones who talk so dirty. Because you are very positive to her. I mean, Pauline Hanson, you know, you're allowed to... He's not positive. He's just fucking amazingly diplomatic by being a massive cunt to her as well.

I learned from the best, Carl. So is she a senator as well? How does it work? Oh my God. This is like a three-hour conversation we have to have at the bar afterwards, right? Oh, drunk ass.

This feels like just a really offensive episode of Behind the News. No offence, Carl, but Carl is like a walking example of why we need better funding for public education right now. And the walk is real fucked as well. And education for parents who not drink when they're pregnant as well. Watch him walk. It's weird.

Hey, that's my fucking friend you're talking about. Back off. You invite him to dinner then. I think your mum and dad should have drunk more poison. But Kyle, on a serious note though, because I don't want to embarrass you because we're in Canberra, we're in the nation's capital.

But seriously, when are you going to propose? Too soon? Yeah, very too soon. It'll happen. There are bills getting passed through Parliament quicker than you. I want to get married until gay people can get married, live their entire lives, die. Adopted children live their entire lives, die, their adopted children live their entire lives, die,

all of them buried on the side of the road. I want it. Well. Well, what about you? Because we sent you a T-shirt. You said you were going to wear it on TV. When's that going to fucking happen? Yeah.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. Are you trying to tell me that you were let down by an Australian politician? Hey, Carl, this is lesson one in fucking democracy, mate. Yeah, all right. Hey, I never said win. You fat cats up there on Capitol Hill are all the same. I've had it. What's that?

Did you say Hamburger Hill? But it will happen. It will happen. That's a core promise, not a non-core promise. Great. I think based on the discussion that we had on the day that you did it, I think Carl genuinely thought you were going to wear it on Q&A, which I can't help but feel would have sort of not helped

your arguments on there. Are you aware of the Little Dum Dum Club? Hey, oh my God. Are you a practicing Dum Dum Club member? We have a new T-shirt. Are you a practicing Dum Dum Club member? Wow, have you done that? That's great.

Oh, my Pauline. No, it comes naturally. It's caroling. Do more. Imagine her down at the supermarket. What would she be like? I can't think of any words I want to say in public that she would say. Look at me and get inspiration.

No, that's my problem. Well, that's her problem as well, I suppose. She probably saw you a lot when she ran the fish and chip shop. Asleep on the counter for half an hour. Reference to a thing that happened before. Hey, I think we've got to wrap this up, right? Do we? Well, we don't have to.

We can keep Okay right Let's get into it Hour two What do you want Let's bring in those Fuckheads Fuckheads from before

They can just Interview them You guys interview them Can someone get me a beer Sorry Oh yeah we can go Unless you only do You know I've got

Can I just say If this is the episode Where you're demanding Beer from the crowd Is far better for me Than the previous episode Of Splendid in the Grass where Will Anderson was demanding all other kinds of pizza mushrooms

from the crowd. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, this isn't going to air, so that's good. How did he not tell us to edit that out? That was surprising. Maybe that's what he was calling about three times. I didn't think that would actually pay off There we go, it did Oh, okay Hey, let's do one more story before we go

Okay I was invited I got invited to a soccer club reunion I've always played soccer I played for a team called Dalesford soccer club in a central Central Victoria and we all have shit going on Fuck he's aware. He needs a t-shirt or a hoodie. Yeah. Yeah, he's got one. He just won't fucking use it Didn't even wear it to the fucking podcast that it's about. Mate, I'll wear the podcast

when you start using my business card holders. Oh, yeah. Alright. Well, they'll get business cards when they have something to promote.

Anyway, so, I got invited to the big reunion. I played for Daleswood Soccer Club like 15 years ago or something.

We got, I got invited to the big Hall of fame there was in hall of fame induction so i went there like last weekend weekend before and i was sort of hoping to get inducted and i got there and there was uh and i hadn't seen any of these guys for like 15 years or anything like that so i got in and uh uh this there was like some uh pictures of previous teams and stuff and i'd been like we won the only two grand finals that they'd ever won. Like we won a championship and a grand final, right?

So I was thinking, oh, a pretty good chance of getting in this. Like they haven't had much success. And I got in there and the first thing that happened, I walked in and I was looking at some pictures and whatever and this guy that used to play with me a couple of times years and years ago comes up to me. No, it doesn't matter. It would have been cheap. You can go for it.

Oh, well, I wasn't going to say that. It was a George Pell, he said. That was off mic, so people are going to have to imagine what it was. Oh, no, I'm getting lost straight. We should really wind this up soon. So, uh... No, no, So this guy comes up That I was playing with

And Everyone's in this Everyone's in this great mood And whatever I'm looking at the The victorious team pictures How long ago Did you play with them?

15 years He said that Oh fuck right What was it like When you were 45? What was it like When you Were 45 tons?

So Anyway So he Hello They went Oh Jesus Come on Don't bring What was it like when you were 45 tonnes? So anyway. Hello, they went, oh, Jesus, come on. Don't bring facts into this. It's funny, but be realistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 14 tonnes.

If you said stones, they'd be like, yeah, all right. So he comes up to me. We're looking at the triumphant sort of pictures and whatever. And he's like, oh, yeah, look at this. You had a couple of great seasons. I was like, oh, yeah, look at this. You had a couple of great seasons. I was like, oh, thanks, man. He goes, yeah. You had a couple of fucking shit ones too. Like, what?

How the fuck are you going to say that to me? And he's like, oh, yeah, no, man. I was just joking around. Fuck, you had one real shit season though, didn't you? I'm like, fuck. Who goes to a fucking reunion like that and starts bagging someone? So anyway, we get stuck into it. They do the Hall of Fame announcements.

And I'm in it. So whatever. Oh, wow. No biggie. No biggie. So we do it. We're literally, you know, we've only won like one trophy, one proper trophy there.

And so we get announced and that's the team of the century or whatever it is. One of my favourite things ever is Carl getting heckled by laughs. It is the best. Because it throws him so much because he's not used to it. So we were all pretty happy. And there's to it. So, we were all pretty happy and there's this big sort of, like where all the pictures are, there's this one trophy there that we won.

This one proper trophy that we won. And we're all like, you know, those are the days. Nearly all the team of the century was this one team that won that one trophy. And we were like, oh, fucking great. Remember when we won that? Anyway, it gets to the end of the night and I go up to the trophy and go, oh yeah, I actually haven't seen this for 15 years. And this one thing that we've been talking about all night,

I pick up the trophy and go, fuck, yeah, actually, I've never looked at this properly. I look at it. The engravement is... What would Ronny Chieng do? Sorry. I know that was the punchline and I couldn't have stepped on it harder.

Yeah. I pick it up at the you to the engravement. The engravement of it is best dressed window. That's the one trophy we ever won. It wasn't even fucking the proper trophy. The best dressed window? Yeah, like a window dressing competition. They just took it from

someone else. So you were the biggest pain? Oh, God. I better get out of here. I'm not going to top comedy after that. Oh, yeah, yeah, cool. You like that? Let him crowd surf out of here. Hey, they saw the photos. No one's letting me crowd surf out of here. Oh, you like pain, pain do ya Let's go

Yeah so that's That's been sitting In a trophy cabinet For 15 years Best dressed window The only trophy We ever fucking won Wait sorry

No we've got to sit Lock the doors What do you mean Window Is window a term In football Like no no no Like a wingman

You're the window. You're laughing at him asking that, but that makes more sense than it literally being a fucking window. A window is like, you know those things that you see dim sims behind? I've never been blocked by a dim sim. You know when you reach for a cake and it goes bonk? Oh, the book? The book shield.

You know the thing that you want to throw yourself out of after being on this podcast every time? No, that's your fans. No, what do you mean? I'm being genuine. I'm not trying to be a dumb cunt. What do you mean best dressed window? I think we'd all like an explanation of this.

Wait, is it like a, because you're pretty old, is it like a Windows 95 reference kind of thing? Oh, I came as Windows 95. Oh, you're Windows Millennium. You're all redundant. No, I think it was literally, you know, like that's like window, like a must-be competition. Like in a shop, in the front of a shop.

Yeah. Like a display in the front, a big front window of a shop. It's like a dress. It's like a whole street had a competition as best dressed shop front a big front window of a shop it's like a dress it's like a whole street it had a competition as best dressed shop front best dressed window

flower arranging for curtains yeah okay that makes sense why the fuck did your team win it they obviously they didn't

they just went fuck we need to give them something what do you what do you think soccer is like I would love it if you were always saying

I'm this big soccer fan. And we go around and there's this one guy from Liverpool. I scored a big goal. What was your goal? Arranging flowers. Upside. Move it to the left hand of the curtain rail. And you're in the Hall of Fame because of that. Yeah.

Back in Sri Lanka, my school, St. Peter's College. Oh, cool. I'm sure you'll have many stories relating to you doing physically activity. Physically activity. Physically activity. Hall of Famer. What a window to your soul. When I think of school in Sri Lanka, I think of St. Peter's College.

Yeah, that's the school I was sent to. Mate, the Catholics got everywhere. Tell me more about your working class upbringing. Are you a Catholic? Are you a practicing Catholic? What do you know about you? I'm a practicing dum-dum fan. Yeah, I want you to...

What does that school mean? What's that a reference to? No, no. What's St Peter's? St Peter's is the Catholic school that I went to. Oh, okay. But Dilly thought it was ice cream, though. I thought my teacher was going to be Barney Banana.

We're learning liquor price today. I hope I get a Discman. About time they made Peter's ice cream a saint. It's been there for me. I love that idea. Oh, pop quiz. Hang on. Paddle pop quiz.

Sorry for anyone who's listening at home, but that lady there is wearing a dum-dum club t-shirt and she's got her hand on her fist and she's going, no, this has gone well. I was here when you guys were setting up. I fucked up. I should have stayed of that. I was here when you guys were setting up. I fucked up. I should have stayed at home and watched the footy. Yeah, I wish they hadn't have got that plug that made this recording possible.

Oh, yeah. By the way, remember how at the start of the episode, the two of them get up and go, oh, so Steph got us some cupcakes, someone got us some kitty litter. Oh, no one else got us anything? Oh, what a bunch of assholes. Do you know the number of fans that got you fucking wires and plugs

to make this fucking podcast happen? How about a little shout out for those guys who actually went out of their way to drive home? Yeah, round of applause. Thanks guys for coming in and helping out.

This is why your friends are assholes to you. And can I say, nothing says professionalism like begging on Twitter 20 minutes before your show starts. Yeah, mate, we saw your campaign. Well, Tilrook, now we know how

you fucking voted. But nothing says professionalism like begging 20 minutes before your podcast starts for the electrical equipment you require for the actual podcast itself. That'd have to be up there with trying to get elected by driving a bus around the country.

My favourite Yeah, sorry Senator Postman Sam. That's probably why Dil voted Liberal. Dil treats He certainly didn't vote Liberal amounts of food. Ah, fuck! I was going to do the same thing.

I told you. I told you this is like Silence of the Lambs, you know? This is the only time I've ever gotten to make fat jokes. And so I've got like 900,000. Whoa. Do you not look in the mirror and write material? No, like that's basically what I do. It's not material.

It's like, well, I write something. It's closer to a note. Anyway. You two should fuck tonight. I don't know if we could reach. Tell me more about your eight-hour drive back to Melbourne. Oh, yeah. We are driving for eight hours back to Melbourne tomorrow,

except for Dil, who's attempting to fly. What do you mean attempting to fly? I'm not Dumbo. I'm not going to flap my ears and try to get out of here. I disagree. Dumb cuntbo. Look, don't put that on me like I'm letting the team down.

I've gone, man, fuck you, Carl. Right? I was in Gold Coast last night and I had to wake up at 4.15 this morning to wake up early enough to get picked up by these fuckheads at Melbourne Airport so that we can drive for eight hours and the amount of abuse

I copped on the way there. No, no, tell me more about your first world problems. Love it or leave it, mate. Anyway, tell us this school story. Anyway, whatever. I've got to catch a flight to go film a TV special for my stand-up, which hopefully one day you guys might do. I look forward to seeing that in the bargain bin in two months.

Yeah. Cool. Yeah, widescreen obviously. As opposed to a free thing on iTunes. So, okay. Oh, it's gotten ugly, isn't it? Gotten ugly. I'm so used to saying gotten that that I can't even say Gotten anymore

It's Gotten Ugly I've gotten myself three pizzas This is so much fun I can see why people do it You're very good as well I'm going to get skinny so I'm going to get

a round of applause for Adam Knox How fucking awesome is that? I'm glad to do that Yeah cool Okay Dilrick's hosting this thing now Cool I'm going to get skinny so I'm going to get the group. A round of applause for Adam Knox. How fucking awesome is that? Yeah, cool. Okay, Dilruk's hosting this thing now. I know what the fans want.

Let's be honest. They're done with the Duel of the Year. You know what you want. You know what the next thing's going to be? Little Dum Dum Club with Adam Knox and Dilruk Jai Singh. It's going to be called the Big Tum Tum Club. I like it. You know what it's going to be called? It's going to be called popular.

Fuck, I'm glad the libs got in. But I know you're going to edit this out of this podcast. And Sam just already pulled his penis out. Whoa. Turns out some things are green. That will definitely be on BuzzFeed later tonight. Sam Dastyari pulled his penis out. Whoa. Turns out something's ugly. That'll definitely be on BuzzFeed later tonight. Sam Dastyari wants mushrooms.

All right, cool. But can I say, on a half serious note, can I say, I know you guys do these things. I'd love it if you said something serious but in a silly voice. Joe Rock is skinny. But I know there's this kind of thing you guys have Where it's like your shtick Where you bag out the podcast And talk about how unsuccessful you are

And failures and this and that That's a thing a lot of these people have too Some people call it documentaries It is pretty amazing That you have more than packed out a room The size that it is In Canberra For the first time

On a night like this On that it is in Canberra for the first time on a night like this, on a Saturday night in Canberra with a big footy game going on, this and that. What the fuck is wrong with all of you people? We've actually paid to be here. But, mate, I've got to say, I know it's taken you guys many, many years and 300 episodes to get here, but you've made it. You've arrived. Thanks, Seb.

Thanks, Sam. Thanks, Sam. So which half of that was the non-serious half? I think just the very end. The only true bit was the stuff where there's like, yeah, there's a lot of other stuff on in Canberra tonight. Everything else was complete bullshit. Is there even football on tonight? Yeah, Minooka Oval, the Richmond West Coast game. But, no, Collingwood West Coast.

But seriously, Sam and I were talking back, was not the game? Aw, wait, fucking whatever. Don't correct me on the time. I'm on Gold Coast time. Fuck you, woman. This is the first thing. This is the first thing. Oh my god, I just realised I've become

Eddie Maguire. Sorry, sorry. I become Eddie Maguire Sorry sorry I am Eddie Eddie McChicken No seriously Sam you and I were having a Eddie Eddie

Hang on I thought of this I just thought of it like Eddie Big Mac Maguire That's the same joke That's the same joke I made before No it's Eddie Big Mac Wire Not Eddie Big Mac Maguire

You can just say that if you just put Big Mac into anyone. But Sam... And let's just take a moment to thank for the world of editing. But Sam was being very, very sincere offstage. When we were talking about how it is really cool. Thank you.

These guys are fucking idiots and they make fun of each other, but they really do a really cool thing. And a lot of the good things that have happened a really cool thing and you know part like I'm I'm you know a lot of the good things that have happened to me is thanks to these boys so I really appreciate you guys

continue to support them and support new comics like me and Adam and and and the future Prime Minister of Australia I feel like we're at our own funerals all

of a sudden later bro I knew it'd fucking catch on all right guys we've got to wrap this up big round of At our own funerals all of a sudden. Later, bro. I knew it would fucking catch on. All right, guys, we've got to wrap this up. Big round of applause. Dilruk Jaisingha, Adam Knox, Senator Sam Dastyari. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next! Chee-ya-mites!