The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 309 - Paul F. Tompkins & Demi Lardner

Episode Date: September 6, 2016

Overseas Trips, Barber Shops and License Plates Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Australia's number one practitioner of chocolate-flavoured mousse, Yala. Mmm, delicious. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, I'll fill this one. When you started talking then, like you momentarily had forgotten the name of this podcast. No! This is what I heard. You went, this episode of The Little Dum Dum Club, there was just slightly too long of a pause for my liking. You know what I did? I just left a little edit point in case we decided to change the name of the little dum-dum club, there was just slightly too long of a pause for my liking. You know what I did? I just left a little edit point in case we decided to change the name of the podcast

when you did the editing. This is interesting. Knowing what you know now, if we were starting this podcast again from scratch, would you keep this name or would you call it something different? And if so, what would you call it? Off the top of my head, let's say yes, I would change it. Off the top of my head, I would say

the... Talkin' Funny. Crackin' Wise with Tommy and Carl. That's what I would have called it. I think that's a great name. I actually think this name, you know, it's good. It's not good when we have to pitch it to people

who we don't know who are very famous. Totally. I always try and leave it out of the pitch as much as I can. I think it's a good title. It stuck with me. I like it. A lot of people would regret their choices of everything. But this is not one that I regret except for exactly what you said.

When I'm sending it to management, trying to get big names and going, this is it, and it just makes you sound like a fucking crackpot little thing. Unlike Crack and Wise with Thomas Carwitch. That would be awesome. Think of who we would have had on if we'd called it that. All the people we've missed out on over the years. Hey, it says what it does on the tin. Do you remember this?

This is maybe the pettiest I've ever been. A couple of years ago, you and I got into an argument over whose idea the title The the little dumb, dumb class. We both thought that we had come up with it. I went through our text message exchange. Yes. I went back four years.

It was at that point. I scrolled all the way up through messages in order to find that. Yes, it had been me that came up with it. See the pettiest I've ever been. Well, I'll be more so long i'll be more petty i still think it was me that's not petty that's just dumb no because i was the one calling

us dumb dumbs at that time i was the one that was saying dumb dumb a lot don't start this again that that was two years ago it took long enough to go through the messages then it's gonna take me even longer now to go back through our audio conversations that we never recorded. Yeah, it's going to take you a long time to do that. No, I found the text message where I said, hey, what if we called it this? And you went, yeah, sounds good. Yeah, but I was the one saying Dum Dum Club. Oh, for fuck's sake.

You had the idea. I was the one saying the. I invented the word the. You had the idea of naming this show after something I'd said. Well done. Well done for sampling my conversation. The king of revisionist history.

Thanks, Vanilla Ice, for coming up with that beat of yours. Anyway, thanks, Yella, for sponsoring the show. Who came up with your name? Thanks for sponsoring this fight. Do you know what? That's what they told us when we went into the Yella chocolate mousse factory. A lot of people have said to us, when you find Yella Mousse in the supermarket,

it's actually misspelt. It says Yella, Y-U-L-L-A. Right. That happens in a lot of supermarkets. And I've always looked at it and gone, how come so many people have got that wrong? But the guys at Yella told us that that was the original name. Yes.

Yella, and that they changed it because another company had a very close name to that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think it's that close at all. But they were way pettier than you. They demanded that they change the name. So now they just changed the vowel. I don't know why that had to be in there. What if we – I remember that company you're talking about.

We won't name them. What if Yalor ever fucking bin us? Let's just go to that other company. Oh, yeah. Let's get them to sponsor us. Go, hey, man. Also, we went in there. They've been talking shit about you.

What if we got a sponsor? What if we got a sponsor that was like – like say someone got sacked from a company and they were very bitter towards that company. So instead of like a positive endorsement, what if someone hired us to just talk shit about a product? Great. Like I would love that.

Yeah. You know what I saw an ad for before on TV and I love it when you see this, when a product, their ad will just be, they just fucking go one of their competitors. Yeah. Like where there'll be, well, you know, we get this stuff out but this brand,

and they just have the brand in the ad. Yeah. It's fucking wild. Yeah, I agree. Look at this piece of shit detergent. Yeah. Fuck off, Omo omo yeah it's so gnarly i love it i can't believe you're allowed to do that yeah me neither yeah i'm sure years

ago you weren't that would go oh this home brand thing does fuck all yeah i feel like something changed because you never used to see it and then all of a sudden you see it heaps yeah because i remember thinking when i was younger like imagine if you just went on an internet and you just called all your competitors cunts by name and then it started happening. Yeah. So anyone at McDonald's out there, if you want to run a trash campaign against KFC, I'll be… I'd be very conflicted about that.

I'd be more than happy to sit here and say, oh, the Colonel takes a shit in every nugget. I'd be more than happy to make up whatever you want to stop people from eating… Shitting in the nuggets still, not even in the top five of bad things that the Colonel did, if you believe the rumours that are out there. Is that how he got that rank? By shitting in a lot of nuggets? We should seriously make that a goal for the next sponsor that we get.

Get an anti-sponsorship. An anti-sponsor. Just even for one ep. That would be, because let's be honest, that's way more in the vibe of this show. Totally. For us to bag out a competitor than it is. Totally.

Sitting here and talking about how great Moose is, I mean, we believe it and stuff, but it just, just you talking about how you like something. I look at you every week, I'm like, this feels wrong. I think people like it that I like something, though. Yeah, sure. Because we sponsor stuff and generally it's only stuff we love, like Yalla Chugga Moose

The Monash Law Review Is a sponsor That I chase Because I love it so much Yes And I want an excuse To talk about it And spread the word

Yeah Quite honestly Yeah So But something That's even bigger In my wheelhouse Is to talk shit about something

Yes So if you want me And I'm a gun for fire For hire with that sort of stuff You've gone rogue If you I'm a You know I'll do pay for hate easy. Yeah, sure.

Get me on it. Speaking of words, here's some more. We have the Patreon. Speaking of hatred. Here's whatever I'm going to talk about next. We have the, oh, should we do Patreon? No, let's plug our gigs. Let's do the shows.

That's why I was saying speaking of hatred, I thought you were going to go, we're going to a place that we hate. Adelaide, October the 4th, we are going to be over there with an all-star line-up of friends doing stand-up plus a podcast, a big live podcast. These shows are always amazing fun. We go in there for one night. We do the show. The show is always very rowdy and very fun.

We hang around. We drink with you afterwards. We fuck up the rest of your work week by getting you drunk in the middle of the week. Let's be clear about this. I know we always complain about people not buying tickets to Adelaide. What does happen is people don't do it early but people do do it late. So this is an actual

thing. The podcast keeps getting bigger and bigger. Our numbers everywhere get bigger and bigger every time we do a rotation around the country. So we always fill Adelaide. Yes. It just takes to the last minute. So this is the thing. We will – I reckon we'll sell out. So don't leave it to the last minute.

Yes. Get it now. Yes. Take a load off. Well, we've already sold. I just checked it before. We've already sold 412 tickets. Oh, wow. So is that too big for the Rhino Room or not?

We're probably getting close to cap. Should I cap it at 500? Sure. Yeah. Okay. Let's do that. We're getting close. Yeah.

Only what? What's that? 88 tickets. I would hate to hear the percentage of what that really is at the moment. I would actually not like you to read it on air. Some of the numbers in there are true. Maybe one of them. No, Adelaide, it's always good.

You know, if you've been to the Adelaide shows before, you know that we always have a full room. So get in there. We're going to fill the Rhino room on Tuesday night. So, man, it's a fun show. 7 till 10 or 10.30 or something like that. Get in there, Adelaide. It's going to be fun.

Tickets are on sale now. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Also, Perth. We are coming back. It's taken us a little while to schedule this all in, but that is happening. Yeah, it's on sale now. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Again, some great guests coming with us. Some great guests coming to both these shows. We've been very lucky with both of these. And you know what? You guys are so much fun when we go on the road. It's such a fun show that makes these guys inexplicably want to come with us. What if we buy our own plane? Like Iron Maiden?

Oh, yeah. To start flying ourselves to gigs like Bruce Dickinson. Yeah. One of us would have to be a pilot to start us. My dad's a pilot. Maybe my dad's got his pilot's license. Maybe he can start flying us around. Yeah.

I reckon we'll finally end up on the news in one way what way yeah he crashes yeah that's what you're saying yes you're talking shit about my dad no but the only time you ever hear about light aircraft is when they crash yeah true i don't and especially if you could be like the big bopper of podcasting well you can't even get a fucking tech to record our live podcast properly. Yeah, I'm going to rely on a fucking plane of ours. By the way. Piloted by someone that's fucking having insane slogans on his T-shirts trying to sell them at markets. A 70-year-old man flying us around.

By the way, did you notice this? You and I went to see Comedy Bang Bang the other night and we didn't sit next to each other but did you notice when they came out at the start, it took like the tech like a little bit to get the lights on. Did you notice that? No. Oh, because I saw that and I thought good to know that that happens to everyone and not just us.

Yeah. It doesn't matter how big you get as a podcast. It's exclusively podcasts that have tech fuck up at live shows. Well, maybe it's just it's harder to notice with everything else, with all the other performance. I don't know. Well, I didn't notice that, Tommy, so you have a keen eye thank you for podcast mistakes probably probably because you've been exposed to a lot of them over the years i'm something of an

expert at this point yeah uh so yeah those two shows adelaide and perth don't sleep on them they are both gonna sell out they've both been very well attended in the past and this last year our numbers have gone up a lot perth hey look per look, Perth, you go and do what you normally do, which is be cool. You get your tickets. Perth, you know what? What about this, Tommy? What about this quick discussion before we get into the next bit? Here we go. I would say Perth. Great. Lots of people

buy tickets. Perth's got our biggest collection of weirdos, I reckon, for our listeners. Got a lot of weirdos in Perth. What do you think about that? Yeah, no, I agree. I agree that they are weirdos in perth what do you think about that uh i i yeah no i agree i agree that they are weirdos i was just trying to do a little mental inventory of the rest of the country right yeah per capita about how often i've felt unsafe in my shows in the last year uh no i reckon yeah i reckon you're right i reckon you'd be right. Yeah. Per capita, you've got the most weirdos, Perth, so that's good, I guess. Yeah.

I mean, I'd like to have more weirdos in Adelaide or anyone. So you've brought this up as part of a pitch of trying to get people to buy tickets. Yeah. How are you expecting this to work positively for us? Are you trying to say if you're a normal person that listens to this in Perth and you've never been to a live show, get a ticket

so that you balance it out a little bit more so that we're not as intimidated when we're doing these shows? I don't care. I'm just calling someone weirdos. You want more? You just want a 100%

fucking freak show. I don't want anything. I'm just calling people what they are, which is weirdos. You know who you are, Perth. You got fucking weirdos. It's something. Yeah, it's just a... I mean, you've got to be pretty weird to live in Perth You've got fucking weirdos It's something

It's Yeah it's just I mean you've got to be pretty weird To live in Perth right Is that fair The isolated city Some people really are into that Yeah

That's kind of a weird person That wants to be in the world's Most isolated major city Exactly Well it's Yeah it is the world's Most isolated major city Yeah I know

I literally just said it Yeah yeah Just like how I came up With the title of this podcast Fuck you Alright so Do that Perth I literally just said it. Yeah, yeah. Just like how I came up with the title of this podcast. Fuck you. All right. So do that, Perth.

So that show is happening on Sunday, October the 30th. All tickets at littledumbdumbclub.com. Yes. And also the Patreon. Thank you to everyone who continues to support us on Patreon. That's going up all the time. It really means a lot to us that you guys support the show, that you appreciate this hot content that you get every week. Number one, you're sending in money just to say thanks

and to keep the thing going, which is awesome. Putting your coins into an envelope, sending it out to Crow's Nest. We open it up. Lock bag 69, Crow's Nest. Fuck, let's rent a post box somewhere and just get it at whatever post office where we can get box number 69. Even if it's like it ends up being some post office way out in the suburbs

that is not near either of us. It's a real pain in the ass to get to. No, yeah, yeah. No, let's get lock bag 69 at Crow's Nest. Right. But then everything gets sent to us has to be then sent back to us so it just sits in our lock bag for like two seconds and then gets sent to our private address right yeah i love it that'd be great perfect yeah what's wrong with that idea um okay so patreoners uh you get your

you get your magazine we put a magazine in every month you get emailed to you get a bonus swell episode the people who get the bonus episodes always very happy to get them because man we generally we get to the end of the bonus episodes and we think, fuck, we really should have put this out as a normal episode. Yeah, they're really good. Yeah, they're really good. And we do a lot of different stuff on them. We did one in the car on the way back from Canberra.

I think we're going to do one on a plane in a couple of days. We included the highlights of the Kyle Chandler 40th birthday roast. Do you think people are pirating the torrenting it? No, I'm going to make sure. I'm going to search everywhere and make sure that doesn't. Where's the first place you'll search? I will search Netcrawler. Yes, okay.

Cool. Open up your AOL account. No, Webcrawler. That's what it's called, Webcrawler. I'll ask Jeeves if. Yes, okay. Cool. Open up your AOL account. No, Webcrawler. That's what it's called, Webcrawler. I'll ask Jeeves if anyone is pirating. Great. Get on to some of your IRC chat rooms. Go undercover and see if anyone's doing it.

So on top of that, with your little bonuses, if you subscribe to Patreon slash LittleDumbDumbClub, you also get your little names read out. Yes. Some people love it. Have we had any negative responses to the names being read out? Yes. We should have.

Have we really? Yeah. Who's not into it? If I say their name again, they're going to be even angrier. We heard from one of our favourite all-time contributors, Dieter Jürgenen, who wrote to us today. Yeah. And he wasn't that mad.

He wasn't mad at all. Yeah. He was impressed that we pronounced his name today. Yeah. And he wasn't that mad. He wasn't mad at all. Yeah. He was impressed that we pronounced his name right. Yeah. In spite of the fact that we then talked about how it sounds like masturbation for about five minutes. Yeah. Do you think he was really impressed or do you think he was just jerking it?

Thanks, Dita. All right. At least you had two thanks. Let's get into the people that have had no thanks at the moment. Yes, sure. Let's get into one-thank territory. Yes, let's go. Thanks.

Thanks a lot. This would actually maybe be a good name for me instead of my own name. Thanks to Steve Crossman. Thanks, Steve. Well, hopefully this has made you into Steve Happy Man. Oh, man. Don't make me Crossman. You wouldn't like me when I'm Crossman.

Crossman Steve at Roll Call. Thanks to Nick Mosley. Mosley? Yeah. Nick Mosley Bar. Moses. Is that what he would have copped in primary school? Mosley Bar.

Mosley Bar. What's a Mosley Bar? Oh, a Musely Bar. Yeah. Okay. Fuck. would have copped in primary school? Mosley Bar. Mosley Bar. What's a Mosley Bar? Oh, a Musley Bar. Yeah. Okay. Fuck. I'd be very surprised if he copped that. We'll put it this way.

If I went to school with him, I would have gone, hey, how you going, Uncle Toby, you fuckhead? Yeah, but would you have thought of that when you were 12? Oh. If you were his teacher now at the age of 40, you'd say that? Yeah. If I was his teacher. Imagine you as a teacher just at roll call.

Ah, what a stupid cunt. No, but you do it off duty. So when you're doing yard duty and you're walking around, you're being nice in the classroom. Yard duty, you're going, Uncle Toby, you dumb cunt. What? Nick Mosley, Mosley Bar. Uncle Toby, don't you get it?

Sir, I'm in grade two. Shut up. Happy man in the streets, cross man in the sheets. Thank you. Oh, hey, look, hey, we've got a few. Oh, hey, you know what? I like it when you start to read out a name and it's like you haven't even glanced at it and then you catch yourself off guard as you're about to say it.

Yes, this shows how real the show is. It sounds as if to a listener it's like all these names are just in a fortune cookie and you just crack them open before you start say it. Yes, this shows how real the show is. It sounds as if to a listener it's like all these names are just in a fortune cookie and you just crack them open before you start reading it. It's like I'm the Tats Lotto official. Like all the numbers

are coming out. I don't know what's coming. So what I was going to say is last week I complained, last episode I complained that there wasn't enough girls representing that were chucking money.

Hey, we've got a smorgasbord right here. Hey baby, you're finally equal. Oh, my God. You've burnt your bra and here we are. Oh, my God. What is wrong with you? Thank you to Charlotte Hollandaile.

Hollandaise sauce. You like a bit of Hollandaise? I love it. Do you? It's so good, right? I buy it nearly every time I'm in the supermarket. Do you? Have you found a good like, have you found a good one?

I've never been able to find a good like one, like it's great out, I've never been able to find a good packaged one. Really? Yeah. There's only one I've ever bought. Oh really? I love it. Let's get them on board as a sponsor. Fuck yeah. I would love to because they've been around forever. I'm being, this isn't content. I genuinely want you to tell me what it is yeah because that's been i've found

one brand and it just was like you know it's just not it's not quite right well you you may not i you know i may tell you the thing and you may be like that's the one that was not quite right but i love it it's the one in the supermarket and i don't know the brand and maybe i'll reveal i'll do some research if we get them as a sponsor sure sure, they'll get the full plug. But it's the one with the black lid and it's got like maybe a black and gold logo. They do Hollandaise. They do Berenice as well. Maybe. Yeah, the one I got, it was like – it wasn't bad.

It was just like – it had a lot of – a very vinegary taste, which I was like, this isn't Hollandaise to me. It doesn't remind me of this one. And the consistency was – it was like a spread. You know on holidays when you get it in a store? Oh. Oh my God, what are we doing? No, I like it.

We've been talking about holidays for what feels like 15 minutes now. Thanks, Charlotte Hollandaise. No, it's great. I love it. I have it with steak. That's the only thing I have it with. What? Yeah.

I've never heard of that. Yep. You don't have it with eggs? No. Wow, it's great. I love it. I have it with steak. That's the only thing I have it with. What? Yeah. I've never heard of that. Yep. You've never, you don't have it with eggs? No. Wow. Okay. Yeah. It's kind of fucked up, isn't it?

That it's like a thing that you have on eggs, but it basically is just like whipped up eggs that you pour onto other eggs. Yeah. I find that slightly weird, but I only ever have scrambled eggs. I love scrambled eggs too much to have any other sort of eggs. Oh man, I was at a cafe today having a coffee and someone, the stranger next to me had some scrambled eggs and fuck, they looked good.

That real smooth, really bright yellow. Yeah. Oh, it looked real milky. Yeah. Really. Fresh eggs. Not fluffy, really.

Oh, man. Fresh eggs. It's near, we should go sometime. It's near here. Well, every time I go home and see my mum, like my mum will make

farm fresh eggs because they've got chickens at my mum's house. I know where eggs come from. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying the chickens where eggs come from. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying the chickens are at my house. Right, yeah. And they're big eggs too.

They're real big. I'm bragging on this. What you're trying to say is those chickens on that farm, they got real big pussies. Yeah, big chicken pussies. That's what I'm saying. You know what? Some people eat chicken breasts.

Not many of them eat chicken pussies. Big chicken pussies? Yeah. Is that another sponsor of this week's Not many of them eat chicken pussies. Big chicken pussies? Yeah. Is that another sponsor of this week's Patreon episode? Grilled chicken pussies. Yeah. Big old eggs. Yeah.

But my mum's always like, she'll make eggs and every time it's like, look at those eggs. Farm fresh. They're fresh eggs. I'm like, yeah, I know, mum. Every time. We've lived here for 20 years. But that's, isn't that true of like any egg that you just get in a supermarket? It's not like you can get fake eggs.

Yeah, but they're all factory. They're all like… Oh, like battery hens and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. They're not having a good time. Yeah. These chickens are my mum and dad's farm.

They're having a good time. And they're showing their appreciation. Yeah, they're on a property that you're inhabiting. So I don't think they're having the best time. You know what? I don't commute to this podcast from there, Tommy. I don't live there anymore. Wait, you don't live with your parents? No. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I don't commute to this podcast from there, Tommy. I don't live there anymore. Wait, you don't live with your parents?

No. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I don't live in Maribor still. Fucking hell. That would be great if I found out that you still live with your parents. That would be amazing. You know what? It's the thing where, you know, I know you've always lived in the city.

And this is the thing sometimes that comes up. A lot of comedians say in Melbourne and not from Melbourne. They've come from other places. Melbourne's a comedy centre of Australia. So a lot of people come from Perth, Queensland, Sydney, Adelaide. Everyone gravitates towards Melbourne. And not only that, but there's a lot of people from the country that come. There's very few people that have grown up in inner city Melbourne.

Yeah, yeah. There's not many. There's you. Yeah. And there's Ben Lomas. Oh, yeah. Friend of the show, Ben Lomas. There's not many. There's you. Yeah. And there's Ben Lomas. Oh yeah. Yeah. Friend of the show Ben Lomas. There's not many.

Ben Lomas grew up in the area that I now live in. Yeah. Yeah. I find that that's the only person I know that's like that. I've never thought of it that way. But yeah. Even people who. Yeah.

Like Geelong. There's a few that have moved down from Geelong. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Who cares? Yeah. That was a point.

I was going to make a point after that but I can't remember what it is. Anyway. Hollandaise is great. That's the point. Hollandaise. point yeah let's i'll find that brand fuck it's good stuff i always there's always a bottle of that in my fridge oh man i gotta be honest yeah getting a i mean look i like i like mousse i like yellow mousse yeah as you know i'm not a huge dessert fan you're not a sweet tooth i'm not a sweet tooth yeah getting a holidays on board fuck i would love that yeah i would fucking love that so much. Yeah, I'm a massive sweet tooth. So that's why I drove that.

But holidays, yep, I'll do the research. We'll find out. I look forward to the pitch we make to them. Thank you. Let's play them the chicken pussy bit. That'll get them over the line. Let's use that with... What's a chicken brand?

Steggles. Steggles. Let's pitch that to – what's a chicken brand? Steggles. Steggles. Let's pitch that to Steggles. All right, enough talk about hollandaise. Thanks, Simon French Onion Dip. Thank you to Tim Unwin. Unwin. Yeah.

Unwin, Alan and Unwin. Unwinners and Unlosers. Alan and Unwin, that's a famous publisher. Yeah. Maybe he's part of them. Tim Unwin. He'slosers Alan and Unwin That's a famous publisher Yeah Maybe he's part of them Tim Unwin He's got money to chip in Maybe that money's coming from the

Alan Unwin publishing dynasty I'm pretty sure they used to print A version of Australian Mad Magazine Really? We might be getting a little bit In some way A little bit of Mad Magazine dollar there A little bit of the old

Alfred E. Newman bunts Yeah I love it Exactly Fantastic Thank you to another Female Patreoner Sarah Matulik. Any comments, Tommy?

I'm going to need to get you to say the last name again. Matulik. Mat. M-A-T-U-L-I-C-K. I reckon that's Metal Metallic Metallic Metallic Metallic

Metallic Matt Matt Ulic Sarah Matt Ulic Matt Ulic Matt Ulic I don't want to do it You don't want to lick that Matt?

Sounds like I'm on your duty again Put a Go and pick up that Sounds like I'm on your duty again. Go and pick up that chip wrapper. And while you're at it, lick that mat. All right, what other female Patreons have we got? Simone Furburger. Thanks, Simone. Hang in there, Kramer.

Thanks, no, wait, what was her first name? Sarah. Sarah. Thanks, Sarah. Sarah, match your lick. Thanks, wait. What was her first name? Sarah. Thanks, Sarah. Sarah Matulik. Thanks, Callum Dwyer. Callum Dwyer. Callum. Cool name.

It is a cool... I like the name Callum. I like it. It's good. That's a pretty old name. By the way, remind me to give you these before you leave. I've got a pair of shoes for you. Oh, yeah. That our friend Callum got us for free through Converse.

Great. For no reason. Yeah. Other than he just thought it would be funny. He was doing some work for Converse and he thought it would be funny to say to them, hey, I know these guys who do a podcast. You should give them some free pairs of shoes. And they just did it.

Oh, nice. Well, there's an ad for Converse. So there you go. Thanks, Converse. Yeah. They're good shoes. Yeah. I've been wearing mine a lot.

They're really comfy. I actually think you'll like them. I haven't been wearing mine at all because you've had them for months and months. shoes. Yeah. I've been wearing mine a lot. They're really comfy. I actually think you'll like them. I haven't been wearing mine at all because you've had them for months and months. Yes. I've been wearing them around pretending to be you, even though you technically haven't owned them yet. Yeah. I'm Carl.

And people are like, yeah, we know. We saw the shoes. You've also still got – you got to give me that That number plate Yeah I know It's all It's all in the one spot Okay good Just remember before you

So But remember to take it Remember to get it before you leave Alright Then get home Yep Open your fucking fridge up Yes

And read me the label from that God damn hollandaise bottle I will I will I'll do all of that Alright And then Get in your car

Yes Head west Yes And at a certain point Yes When you're elevated a bit higher Above sea level than usual I will. I will. I'll do all of that. All right. And then get in your car. Yes. Head west. Yes. And at a certain point, when you're elevated a bit higher above sea level than usual, veer sharply to the right. Yeah. To the right? Yeah.

To the left. Really? If you're going over... Oh, it's gauche to go off the right-hand side, is it? But you can't... Look, I'm going to presume you're talking about me killing myself by going off the Westgate Bridge. Clever girl. But if you go to the right, you go into the other lane of traffic.

Oh, yeah, that's a good point. You've got to go left. Sorry, sorry. Fucking hell. What an idiot. I was watching a lot of American movies about suicide. I forgot what side we drive on. I hope everyone at home has listened to The Virgin

who hasn't even killed himself before. Remember when we took some American comedians up to Healesville and I accidentally started driving on the wrong side of the road? Fuck. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that was... Even they were like, what the fuck is going on? Friend of the show Kumail Nanjiani and his wife Emily Gordon.

I nearly fucking killed him. Yeah. Could have... Silicon Valley could have never been made. Wow. Great stuff. Yeah, four to go. Thank you, Janine Bain.

Janine Bain. Yeah. B-A-N-E? B-A-Y-N-E. Not quite the Batman villain. No, that's not actually her. Yeah. Now that you know that it's spelt not the same,

that she's probably not a descendant of that fictional character. She was not born in Chile down a well or whatever the fuck happened. I'm amazed that you know that as a reference. Yeah. No, I saw the movie. Yeah. It's a very rare superhero movie I've ever seen. Yeah.

You watched it on a plane, right? I watched it on a plane. Yeah. I did enjoy it. Huh? Yeah, it was good. You did enjoy it? Yeah.

Yeah. I literally enjoyed it. I found it weird that you enjoyed it because you watched it in a plane. Yeah. I did enjoy it. Huh? Yeah, it was good. You did enjoy it? Yeah. Yeah. I literally enjoyed it. I found it weird that you enjoyed it because you watched it in what I would say is the worst possible environment to watch that particular film in. Yes. Anyway. I watched it on a plane. It was all about New York being blown up and I was headed to New York and it made me not

sleep. Yeah. Yeah. I was scared. So thanks, Janine Bain, for your descendant to make me scared like that. Thank you to Scott Ferris. Ferris. Yep.

Scott Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Oh, right. I would have gone with the Ferris wheel. Oh, yeah? I would have gone with the Scott Ferris wheel of fortune that has now rolled into this lounge room supplying money. Wait, okay. So the Ferris Wheel is one thing.

Yep. Then the Wheel of Fortune. Yep. Then this is a wheel that's sentient and just rolling around. Yep. So the big wheel that they use in Wheel of Fortune, it's come to life. Yep. Sprung upright and it's just rolled into our house and money's coming out of the wheel.

Which part are you finding hard to believe? Thanks, Scotty. Two to go. Kimberly Sluggett. You're right already. Kimberly Sluggett. Sluggett. Sluggett.

That's quite a surname to cart around with you. You know what? I like it. Yeah, I like it. Do you like it? I'm into it. I don't like it. Really?

It's pretty... You've got Slug in your name. Yeah. What do you like about that? I like Slugs. No, you don't? I'm into it. I don't like it. Really? It's pretty... You've got Slug in your name. Yeah. What do you like about that? I like Slugs. No, you don't. I like them. No, you're just playing a bit of good cop, bad cop here.

No one likes Slugs. Kimberley Slugger... This woman gave us money. I know, but... What's wrong with you? You know what? Kimberley Slugger, we've only got one goal on this planet. Change your name.

Nah, don't, Kimberley. I like it. You're going to walk around with that name for your whole life slug it you'll get to a day where you go why the fuck did i walk around on this planet for that long you think you're thinking that on your deathbed yeah i can't believe i guess this name you get to a stage tommy you'll get there when you go you know what you've only got one crack at this let's make it as good as we can i did did that. I've changed my name. I haven't, but yeah. No, we'll change it again to Slugger. Tommy Slugger. Tommy Slugger. That's actually good.

That's got a good ring to it. Slugger. You could turn up in a fucking Oliver Twist movie or something. Tommy Slugger. Tommy Slugger. Little Tommy Slugger. Little Tommy Slugger. A big shout out also to Put Your Head Up Inside My Arsehole and Eat As Much As You Can. Thanks. Thanks, Put. So Put is just the first name. Yeah. And put your head up inside my arsehole and eat as much as you can. Thanks. Thanks, Put.

So Put is just the first name? Yeah. And then your head up my arsehole and eat as much as you can? Yeah, yeah. Are there hyphens in there or it's just all one word? No, it's all one word. No, I didn't struggle with it at all. Wow, that's – okay, cool.

I'm not sure. I don't want to be racist and just guess what. That's weird that you couldn't pronounce fucking munch my rug or whatever. Or whatever her name was. Sorry, Sarah. And sorry, Putt. Sorry if I mispronounced any of that, Putt. And made it sound dirtier than what it is.

How much is Putt chipping in every month? Two bucks. Two bucks. Two bucks. But I guess by the sounds of the name, they are letting us put our head up their ass and eat as much as we want. Yeah. That's so –

Put it this way. With a – oh, sorry, I said put, not to – you know. I don't mean to offend you, put. But with a surname like that… Appropriate. Cultural appropriation is what you're doing right now. Yeah, that's not a pun. I don't know what that is. But with a surname like that, you're not going to be a high flyer.

You're going to go to an interview. They're going to say, what's your first name, put? What's your second name? You head up inside my arsehole as much as you can. Some people are not going to give you a job just based on that. So this guy's going to see… Oh, guy or. Some people are not going to give you a job just based on that. So they're not, this guy's not a C, oh,

guy or girl. He's not a C. It's 2016, Carl. Well, I don't know, he's put male or female, it's anything these days. Yeah,

I think in different cultures it's different. Some it's male and some it's female. If only one of them could change their last name, do you reckon Sluggett should change

or do you reckon you head up my asshole and eat as much as you want should change their name reckon Slug It should change or do you reckon you head up my arsehole and eat as much as you want should change their name? Slug It still. Because slug is disgusting. Slugs are disgusting. Eating an arsehole is a beautiful thing. That's a human right. How many arseholes have you eaten in your time?

He's going to answer it. Let's say the number at the same time. I'll do mine and you do yours at the same time. Oh, really? I don't know what the answer is. Why is your computer that's on your lap slowly rising up in front of me as you think about how many times you've done it?

Because it's filling up with pictures of assholes that I'm now pulling up. Whenever I eat an arsehole, I take assholes that I'm now pulling up. Whenever I eat an arsehole, I take a picture. I'm trying to count. We should get out of this. That's the end. That's the end of that. Right in. If we get to four grand a month on Patreon,

I will reveal how many arseholes I've eaten out in my life. So get ready for that to start plummeting. Guys, thank you very much for your support. These are taking longer and longer every time we do them. This has been over half an hour. Fuck, bullshit! Look, it's been over half an hour.

It's been 32 minutes. Jesus Christ. Sorry for the people who are downloading this episode and thinking they're going to hear the guests straight away. I'm sorry about this. Oh, cool. I love Paul F. Tompkins. What the fuck's going on here?

All right, guys. Enjoy this week's episode. Thanks for your support. Buy some tickets to a live show that's near you at littledumbdumbclub.com and we'll see you out there. Yummy. Thanks, Put. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you so much for joining us. Sitting next to me on the couch is the other half of the show. He's getting fired up. He's ready to podcast. You know him. You love him.

It's Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Toot toot in there. Yeah. That's someone else's catchphrase you realise. Oh is it? Yeah. A train?

Ricky Nixon. Don't say that. The great Ricky Nixon. No, that catchphrase, you realise. Oh, is it? Yeah. A train? Ricky Nixon. Don't say that. The great Ricky Nixon. No, that was a train I was doing. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm not referencing a person I don't like. I'm referencing a locomotive. That's what I want to be like.

How do you feel about the locomotive industry? Fan? The industry. I just like them as a unit of transport. Yes. Yeah. I don't know about the industry. The industry.

The bureaucracy of it. What do you think? No, I don't know anything about it. I don't want to talk about that. I can tell our guests are chomping at the bit to get involved in this hot topic. First of all, you know her from her podcast, We Are Not Doctors. It's little Rappin' Demi Lardner. Yay!

Hello. Hey. Hey, guys. My name's Rappin' Demi, and I'm here to say I am doing a podcast today. Wow. Wow. What a verse. I wonder they put the word rapping in your name.

That's a rap. I should change my birth certificate. It's weird. It really picked my career out for me. Hey. Also joining us, you know him from Comedy Bang Bang, from BoJack Horseman. Very excited to have him back on the show, Paul F. Tompkins. Hi.

Rapping Paul F. Tompkins or just speaking Paul F. Tompkins? I'm just speaking Paul F. Tompkins. I'm here to say I like to talk in a speaking way. The best kind of talking, I believe. I do not rap. I just talk. That's just rhyming. Rhyming Paul F. Tompkins.

I'm trying to do it. It's an accident. I think that's why so many people think I'm a rapper. I don't anymore because I thought there was going to be something after this. I'm just trying to talk like regular. So you're in the country doing these comedy shows. Yeah, I know. I just got really distracted by, I guess I should tell this,

a guy that I know met someone the other day who does Auslan and he, like sign language. From Narnia? Oh. Yeah. And within five seconds his question to him was, what's the dirtiest thing you know in sign language? I reckon that would be, how often do you reckon that happens

if you know sign language and you're telling people that? How often do you reckon that's the first question that you get? 100% of the time? Yeah. What's dick? If not more. Maybe 200%. Yeah.

Double. Maybe people ask twice. Yeah, people ask even if they don't know you do sign language. It's a good icebreaker. When you meet a stranger for the first time. What's the dirtiest word you know in sign language my favorite is hey how often do you cry what why why do you need those words like shouldn't at some stage you go like someone's gonna say oh how do you sign cunt yeah it's like

how about we just not say it you know what i mean like that you shouldn't how dare you restrict them? I had a deaf friend once who was talking to, sorry, a friend whose mum was deaf and they were like signing to them and their mum signed at them like they were just, they weren't saying anything but they were like signed don't you yell at me. Right. Like as they were arguing and they were like oh that doesn't whoops and they just started laughing because they couldn't continue the argument

really yeah because it's like you want you know i think you know people have that idea of sign language where it's like very literal so they think like you know dick is just going to be like a hand like jacking off like that's what people want it to be. There is a lot of those though. I think the sign for bullshit is like you make a little bull and then like you move your hand as if shit is coming out of it. Like get it?

It's like that game show catchphrase. It's like a little drawing. I want to know how you make your hand into a bull. I think you make little horns with your fingers. It's like the rock thing. Oh, right, right, right. The outermost fingers. Yes.

Right, okay. Just the outermost fingers. Yeah, that's right. Oh, journey of three days to get to there. Running dangerously on provisions. All right, so where we're in the hotel now, I'm very close to yesterday. I hear some very relatable talk for everyone,

for people in the room and for people at home. I went and got a haircut. Like a lot of people do. We've all been there. Have we? This is an awkward question, but does anyone cut their own hair? Do you cut your own hair? I don't.

Did you do this job? I did this. It looks alright. Did you put that hat on by yourself? Yes. It's like shorty shorty in the back. Did you do this job? I did this. It looks all right. Did you put that hat on by yourself? Yes. That's pretty cool. Yes, Carl. But it's like shorty shorty in the back. Yeah.

So you have the attachments and everything. I have clippers. Oh. I do it. And I have scissors. Yeah. That's nice. And I have hair. Yeah.

I could go on. Yeah. Two more. I have friends in a house. Yeah. That's the full Demi Lardner CV. And do you color your hair as well? Yeah. I do that. That's a lot,i Lardner CV. Do you colour your hair as well? Yeah, I do that.

Come on, Demi. Yeah. What are you doing? What about the boot polish that's all over your face? Did you put that on? Because it would be weird if a hairdresser did that. I do all my own racial epithets. I think it's weird how there's a big industry with hairdressers.

You can go to hairdressing schools and get a cheap haircut from someone who, for all you know, has just learned how to do it that day. But you don't really see that that much with any other profession. Where it's like, hey, come in and get a cheap, fucked up version of this thing from someone who's just learned how to do it. The only thing I can think of is in hospitals where you will have a bunch of students following a doctor around and then maybe you'll be the patient that has to have the audience of these idiots.

I had that happen to me many times when I was a kid in hospital. Really? For real? Yeah, a lot. Yeah, and it's doctors because they're studying all that, so they're so desensitized to it. So they have no, like they literally just point at you like you're a specimen. And I was like 10 at the time, and it's like,

this is the worst part of the week when this happens. How often were you in the hospital? I was in and out for two years. Really? Yeah. Why? Yeah, I had cancer, Paul. Cancer?

The disease? Yeah. No, the star sign. Well, that seems extreme. Get this out of me. Change my birthday. What type of cancer was it? It's called aplastic anemia.

It's very similar to leukemia. Okay. So the doctor would be pointing you and explaining this is the condition. Yes. He was pointing at him going, don't get that. Bad news, guys. Is the reason why he's in here? Do the opposite of what he is.

Because I had the thing too where what I had is quite rare. So it's like, hey, get a load of the freak show, everyone. He's not even one of the normal cancer dudes. Oh, wow. Look what happens when we put this thermometer up his ass. He hates it. Now, would the flashbulbs make you go crazy? Yeah.

You go to a rampage? Yeah, the eighth wonder of the world. That's how I met Demi. I grabbed her. I took her to the top of the Chrysler building. That's right. You took her to the top of JB Hi-Fi in Melbourne. Yeah. Yeah. You took it to the top of JB Hi-Fi in Melbourne Yeah

Yeah I had to get I have a lot of big medical history in this episode I had to get a blood test once in New York And We get it And yeah the doctor doing it Was like getting a student of his I was sure I was going to say the doctor doing it was like getting a student of his to do it.

I was sure I was going to say the Dr. Doolittle. Oh, yeah. I was 100% sure. Check out the little dog that has cancer. Yeah. A quick sidebar. No one ever talks about how all the animals understood Dr. Doolittle. Yeah.

Like he could talk to the animals, but the real thing is, all animals understand English? Yeah, that's more impressive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which means that there's a lot of little, like, asshole dogs that are just, like, willfully obtuse and not doing... Absolutely.

Oh, that makes me so angry. Anyway, back to your cancer. You're in New York for a high society blood test Yes, I had to get a blood test And the doctor had like a, I don't know Someone who was studying under him or whatever Every time Getting this person to do it

And they kept like missing the vein And the guy was like going, oh fuck, sorry about this Oh no, oh I've done it again And the doctor's going, it's okay, just relax You can try as many times as you like. I'm like, do I get to sign off on this at any point? It's just an Australian. Do whatever you want.

Why did you have to go to New York? Was it because? I have to go to New York. Why did you have to go? Because he was recreating the sequel to Home Alone. Yeah. He had to get lost there. Yeah. And lose all his fun. You could just sequel to Home Alone. Yeah. He had to get lost there. Yeah.

And lose all his fun. You could just call it Home Alone 2. It's quicker to say that than to say the sequel to Home Alone. Yeah, okay. I just came out to have a good time. I'm feeling very attacked, you know? It was when I was like 21, I was over there and I had really bad food poisoning and I had it for like a week.

And I went in to just go, can I just get a prescription for something? And they were like, we're going to check you in. And like they kept me in there like all day. I thought this was a cancer story. No, no, no. You've just wedged in the New York trip. There's no need for this story. Yeah.

Right. Okay. I'm proud that I went there. So you had food poisoning that involved them taking blood from you. Yeah. Well, so I went in to just go, I've been really sick all week. Will you give me something for it? Were you drinking blood?

Was that the food poisoning? Yeah, I was drinking blood. Don't drink blood. Why not? Don't do that. It's in you anyway, but it's already in you. No, it's supposed to be inside coming out, not outside coming out. You eat the cookie.

No. You eat the cookie and you give the blood. Eventually. No, it's the three quarters of this podcast that are wrong. You eat the cookie You eat the cookie and you give the blood Eventually No I'm lucky It's the three quarters of this podcast that are wrong I'm in the right here Right Drinking blood

Oh boy Yeah and so they were like They ask you medical history And I was like Oh I had this thing when I was a kid And they're like Oh it might be that It might be connected to the

Might be part of the cancer I'm like It's definitely not And they're like Well we would know We're doctors Me eating pizza off the subway might be part of the cancer. I'm like, it's definitely not. And they're like, well, we would know. We're doctors. Me eating pizza off the subway is probably it, not the cancer. Yeah, pretty much.

So yeah, extremely good shit. I'll try and work all my hospital visits in to this podcast at some stage. I've never been to one. Tell me what they're like. Have you seriously never been in a hospital? Carl, not even at the beginning of your birth? No, no, no. You know what?

Go right now. Put down the microphone and get there. Make me. Send me to the hospital. I'm sorry, Mr. Chatelain. No, I've been to the hospital. That was just a funny little joke. I've been.

I've been twice. Oh, wow. What for? No, I don't know. I've never been. I don't know. This is a rollercoaster. No, I think I, yeah, I can't't know. I've never been. I don't know. This is a roller coaster. No, I think I, yeah, I can't think of anything I've had particularly wrong with me.

Have you ever broken a bone? No, never. I haven't either. I can think of a few things. Have you broken a bone? No, never. You? Fingers.

That's just what I say when I get nervous. No, I haven't broken a bone. We have a clean sweep. None of us have broken a bone. No, I did. I broke my, they're all crooked. I broke my fingers when I was in school playing rugby. I don't think they were crooked.

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's okay. No. How do you... You still do stuff with them, right? Yeah, most things. Are there some things you can't do? There are a couple things I can't do.

Ring shopping. Yeah, that's one. I can't get it past the big bend in this finger. Can people understand you when you do sign language because of your gnarled fingers? No, I just have an accent. Yeah, right. Are they like in italics?

Yeah. They're like, everything comes out looking like... I'm whispering and they're telling me to speak out. Yeah, it looks like quotes, everything you're saying. Yeah. I kind of always wanted to have broken a bone when I was a kid when you were in school. Do you know what I mean?

I know what you mean, yeah. It seemed very glamorous. Yes, yes. You get a cast, you get a bunch of I was a kid, when you were in school. Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean, yeah. It seemed very glamorous. Yes, yes. You get a cast, you get a bunch of attention, people sign the cast and all that stuff. And the implication is you were doing something cool to have broken the, like you were climbing a very high tree. It's not just you have an abusive parent.

Yeah. That's cool here. I forgot where I was for a second. I spent two years in hospital as a kid. I would have loved to have my dad clicking me around instead of being operated on. You would have loved to have your dad bash the cancer out of you. Sure.

No, son of mine. I'll get those platelets. Bang. This is related to that. Somebody the other day, I was in Sydney, I was doing their showcase little tour thing and we were driving. All right, mate. Okay, yeah, you've been to New York. their showcase little tour thing and we were driving. All right, mate. Okay, yeah, you've been to New York, you've done a showcase.

We get it. All right. And somebody kept asking me for how long you were abused. They were asking me specifically about you. They were like, you're friends with Tommy. Didn't he get abused when he was a kid? Oh, what? And I was like, oh, I guess by I guess by his genes or I don't know.

They were saying, what did his parents do to him? And I was like, I don't know, allowed him to get cancer. Wow. Can I guess who this was? Because I know who was on that tour. Was it Becky Lucas? No. Oh, really? Weird, right? Yeah. That's who I would have thought that would have been. No, it wasn't. Did your mum and dad sign the permission slip for

cancer? You really shouldn't have. Do I give off that vibe that I'm the product of an abusive household? What's the hallmarks of that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, now I don't know what that vibe is.

I like to do this thing when if I'm walking around with my gentleman friend and we're with people that don't know us very well. Paul. I heard that. Well, if he makes a gesture or something, I'll just flinch. That's horrible for other people. I know. Is the reason why he's not here because he's in jail?

That's saying that like, you know, what did your parents do? We were talking about this on the last episode when people go, you look tired and just how brutal that is. That's kind of the mental version of that. What did your parents do to you? You have to be so close to a person to say you look tired. You have to have a really tight relationship for that

to be okay. For it to sound like genuine concern as opposed to just insulting. But how concerned can you be about how tired someone is? Who cares? You'll find out when you're my age. It's a serious concern. You have to be wearing pajamas

for someone to be allowed to say that to you. Yeah, or just yelling like zee, zee, zee, zee, zee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to have one of those hats on with a pom-pom in the end.

You have to have a log above your head with a little sword going back and forth through it. Yeah, because it really means if you're not doing that it means you look like shit. It doesn't mean

you haven't slept enough. It's like I don't like the look of your face. What did your parents do to you? It must have been hard growing up like that. Oh, man. That startled me. like the look of your face what did your parents do to you must have been hard must have been hard growing up like that oh man um so it told me at the start of the story at the start of this i was saying hairdressers yes right that's right call back to that oh i thought you were just boasting yeah yeah no no i've got better stories than that okay then i went

to the hairdressers i got plenty of things let me ask you this how much do you pay for a haircut what's too much for you good question uh. I'll field this one. Thank you. It's a little personal. It is. But, you know, this is how I was abused as a child. My parents would ask me how much I pay for a haircut. And it's horrible to have it brought up again. I paid $50 for this particular haircut.

Okay. So that's about my limit. That one there? That one right there that you're pointing at. The one on the top of your head. Yeah, yeah. All of them came for $50. It was a group total. Per hair, that's pretty good value.

Yeah, when you break it down. Do you think you have more than 50 hairs? I've got at least triple figure hairs. And I had more than that before the haircut. It's not bad. The hairs that are there are just shorter. They're not removing strands of hair. I asked for a few of them to be taken out. before the haircut. Wow. It's not bad. No. The hairs that are there are just shorter. No, no, no.

They're not removing strands of hair. No, no, no. I asked for a few of them to be taken out. Give me a little bald spot right here. I want to warm up to this if I'm going to start losing my hair. Just give me a little patch at the back so I can get accustomed to it. Well, what do you pay? What do you pay? Because I paid $50 and a friend of the show,

he was lambasting me. He was saying, I go for $10 haircuts. Yeah, $50 And a friend of the show Dilraba Jai Singer He was saying He was lambasting me He was saying I go for $10 haircuts Yeah 50's Nah 50's getting up there Yeah I kind of I found a place

That does a good like 20 I think it's like 25 Yeah And that's you know 50's a lot For just a cut I know

I went to the 50 Because I went to the Like a $15 $20 ones And I just Just took one bad haircut I'm like okay That's why I can afford To go to New York and they just took one bad haircut. I'm like, okay. That's why I can afford to go to New York.

I'm saving money on my haircut. I'm putting that in a second account. And also eating discount expired food. Yes. Totally. So I went there. Here's the thing. I don't know if they have this in the Americas where you come from, Paul.

But do they have a thing where they give you beer and stuff in hairdressers over there? There are places like that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do that thing, which I've always thought is a weird idea. I think it's weird. I think it's especially weird in stores. If there's like clothing stores where they will do that too.

Oh, really? We don't have that yet. I've never heard about that. You know what? You do have it here because there was a place in Sydney. Excuse me? There was a place I went to in Sydney and a guy offered me a drink. It was like,

I got duped into going to this place because I was in town with friends and they were out walking around and they passed this clothing store and they said, oh, you've got to go check this out. You would really like this store. And so I go in there and then it turned into, I saw immediately, like, looked

at one thing and it was so expensive and I was immediately, like, looked at one thing, and it was so expensive, and I was like, I got to get out of here. And then this high-pressure sales started because these guys that I knew had heralded my arrival to the store. I'm saying, oh, our friend Paul, he likes to dress up. He'll really, we're going to tell him to come here. He likes to dress up.

And so this guy thought, yeah, so this guy thought, oh, I'm, here's an entertainer who will wear my clothes. First of all, he must have a ton of money. Yes. And secondly, he will wear my stuff

on television or something like that. Neither of those things was true. I could not, I ended up buying like a tie because the guy was so aggro about getting me

to buy something and he's making me try things on, and I'm just like, I felt like I don't know how to get out of this. And I'm trying things on. I'm like, looks good. He's taking it off like, well, thanks a lot. He wouldn't let me go. He's giving you a bit of part of trying to loosen you up

and be like, hey, how about it? I think it was. It was scotch. He gave me a glass of scotch. Oh, wow. I think that was definitely part of the attack was to get,

you know, this rich asshole drunk enough that he's going to buy a whole rack of stuff. Yeah. That would be cool. Hollywood big shot.

You just keep putting on ties and jacket and stuff. Just keep him coming. Just keep, open up another case. Yeah. This guy's going to wear this hat in the next

Scorsese movie that he's in. I'm drunk enough to get the courage to tell you to go fuck yourself. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I'm's going to wear this hat in the next Scorsese movie that he's in. I'm drunk enough to get the courage to tell you to go fuck yourself. You know what? I'm not going to buy a fucking thing in here. I like your use of the word aggro in there. It's a nice little Australian vernacular that you slipped in there. When in Rome.

You don't say that at home. You wouldn't say that on a American. Would you? Absolutely, yeah. Aggro. But would you think of a tiny puppet when you said that? I'm always thinking of tiny puppets. Tammy, we've talked about this. I know, I'm sorry. I just thought it would be a point of reference for...

Paul thinks that... Paul thinks that you're talking about yourself, Tammy. Yeah. You're coming off like... Literally, Paul looks a little bit like a ventriloquist and you look like a dummy at the moment. Hey. No, but that's true. Iquist and you look like a dummy at the moment. Hey. No, but that's true.

I think they both always look like those things just individually but then together. Yeah. Really. It's undeniable. I think we really are onto something here. Yeah. I think we are about to cash in.

I did like a little speak into a computer recording. Jesus Christ. What happened over there? What did Tommy's mom and dad do to you? Oh, boy. I recorded a thing the other day to send off to try and do a voiceover for an ad that was for a loaf of bread puppet

and it was like I don't know how to play it like do I sound bready I don't know what that is and then they sent me the thing and they were like ignore the notes that are crossed out because the director doesn't want to go in that direction and I read it you don't need to point that out to someone this stuff that's crossed

out that's not part of it. So we've decided the line has been used to indicate that we don't want those words in it anymore. You can't read them anymore? Yeah. Ignore that. Read them anyway. Ignore the liters of ink poured over the top of those words.

How about don't send that then? Yeah. What do you mean? Read the things that are in the bin at the moment. If you can read all of them, take them on board. I can do that and then don't do that. I read the stuff and it was like, so it was called J-Loaf the White Bread.

Oh dear. And it said it's a heavily black or Latino accent. Wow. That was what they wanted to do. That's what they didn't want to do. Oh, they didn't want to do that. They said to not take notice of that, which

is the only voice I can do. Let's hear a little bit of that J-Lo right now. Come on. Well, my name's Rappin' J-Lo, and I'm here to say. I agree, though. Getting the beer at the haird, and I'm here to stay. I agree, though. Getting the beer at the hairdresser,

I'm not into it. It's not like, I think there's a lot of the hairdressers here that do it, and they think, this makes it fun. It's like, this is not a fun environment

to drink a social drink. Getting a haircut is a utilitarian task. I just want to do it and get out of there. I had a guy that was recommended to me by a friend and I went there twice and I couldn't go there anymore because the guy would

talk so much, so much, and it's fine if you want. I don't want to be the one talking. I'm fine if you're the one talking. But he would stop cutting my hair. He'd come around and just be talking to me. He's like, I don't want to be here all day. So this is my idea, right?

So hairdressers, they're trying to add all these bells and whistles in where you don't need to make it feel like, oh, I'm at home. This is a cool place. This is a cool place to hang out in. What time did you go in? Lunch time. So you got a bit of day off today? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, working today? Yeah, yeah. And it's always like, I don out in. What time did you go in? Lunch time. So you got a bit of day off today? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Working today? Yeah, yeah. And it's always like, I don't work. I'm sorry. I can't pay for this. I robbed a house to get $50 to pay for my haircut. So you go in there, you get the beer, they do the fancy hair wash, which I always take

as an insult. I don't know how to wash my own hair. You know that thing? You know that thing? Like I go in there I just washed it then they're like sure you did

let's go and do it again you didn't wash it properly this $25 one that's they've gotten rid of that yeah right so I'm like and this is quicker now too

yeah real good so they lay that on they lay on no wonder it's $50 I've got to pay for my hair to get washed I've got to pay for a beer

all that sort of stuff so pay for it yeah charge you for the beer well that's that must be built into the $, all that sort of stuff. Pay for it? Yeah. Charge you for the beer. Well, that must be built into the $50, right? That's what I'm paying for. Yeah, yeah.

Pay for all this dumb stuff I don't want. So here's the thing. So they make you want to relax. Pay for all this dumb stuff I don't want. Have a donut, you fucking idiot. They want you to relax. This is how much they want you to relax. They're giving you a beer.

They're washing your hair and they're massaging your scalp and so it's all about you relaxing, right? So I sit there waiting for my haircut. They've got magazines there, yeah? They've got a copy of Penthouse. They buy in issues. They've got a subscription to Penthouse in the hairdressers. So it's like that's a little too relaxed.

Like what do they want you to do? That's a very old school thing. I remember when I was a kid the regular traditional barbershop there would be Playboys. When I think about it now, that's insane. There was just pornography.

It's a lot harder to cut someone's hair if they don't have a boner. Is that it? I know. They want all the blood to come out of your hair. Because the scalp is a very bleeding area. Oh yeah, because if they nick you it will piss out blood, but if it's

all in your boner, then it will just be air gush out. That'll be fine. I'm on their side now. Yeah, okay. I withdraw my complaint. To the good folk at whoever the fuck I go to. Penthouse is kind of hardcore. Yeah, exactly. It's a public place.

Exactly. Yeah. That's like you can see it going in and stuff. Like that's not. Oh, my God. What did your parents do to you? Well, that's how they made me. I know that.

Wow. And I read all about it in penance. I love seeing it go in and stuff. It's so good. It's one of my favourite things to witness. It's going in. Maybe I should write a letter to Penhouse with that sort of vernacular. That's the sort of fruity lexicon they like in there.

At Bob Guccione and Company. I saw it go in. I never thought it would happen to me But I saw it go in Baby do you want to come back to my place and I'll make it go in And stuff And see mine go in See yeah that's so weird how Like because that magazine is there

That's okay for you to be sitting in the chair Getting your hair cut Reading a porno But if you got your phone out and you just went on like RedTube and just started watching actual pornos on your phone, all of a sudden that would be like, what the fuck are you doing? With the sound on or off. Pardon?

With the sound on or off. I imagine you've got headphones in. What's the harm then? No, no, no. They could not do that because you've got headphones and they're going to clip the headphones. Oh, yeah. So that's the – you can't do that.

You need wireless earbuds. Yeah. Kind of go around your neck. Noise cancelling so you can't do that wireless earbuds yeah kind of go around your neck noise cancelling so you can't hear yourself the only way going wild

the only way to jerk your dick while getting your haircut yeah some sweet Bose action yeah

oh boy so you know but they would take offense it's like a restaurant it's like a restaurant when you bring your own wine in

and they go no this isn't a BYO you drink the wine that's in here it's like that thing you jerk to the porn It's like a restaurant. It's like a restaurant when you bring your own wine in and they go, no, this isn't a BYO. You drink the wine that's in here. It's like that thing. You jerk to the porn that's in here. We're paying good money for this subscription to Penthouse. If that's coming out of the haircut fee,

you're paying for it anyway. You may as well just enjoy ours. Are there people that are bringing their own wine to restaurants where that's not the established thing? No, there's not always those places, are there? Well, there are places where you can bring your own But are there people that are bringing Just assuming that everywhere works that way Yeah

I brought my own food too Would you put this on a nicer plate Than we have at home All our forks are dirty Can you deal with this? So anyway I just find that Super weird

Because yeah Like you said If you're looking at that That's weird Sorry If you're I hope no one at home saw that But

If If you pick up You look like a weirdo Reading a penhouse In the hairdressers But it's like But that's yours You put it here

Yeah I don't think anyone Would be looking at that But like you said Paul Like I didn't know That's an old school thing So it's like, but it's yours. You put it here. Yeah. I don't think anyone would be looking at that. But like you said, Paul, like I didn't know that's an old school thing. So it's come full circle. Right. I think that is like a fun retro thing. Right.

We're going to have porn in here like in the old days. Yeah, right. Get an iPad and load it up with, you know, the digital versions at the very least. Bring it into the 21st century. Absolutely. Just bring the hairdresser. See if you can hire out the haird least. Bring it into the 21st century. Absolutely. Just bring the hairdresser. See if you can hire out the hairdresser.

Bring it down to the Crazy Horse Cinema and just get a bit of a clip while you're watching it on the big screen. Yeah, that's a lot nicer, I think. Why aren't the hairdressers nude? Yeah, yeah. That's got to be a place, right? Somebody's doing that somewhere. Yeah, why can't I make it go in the hairdresser?

Why wouldn't everyone be nude when there's that many scissors hanging around? Why wouldn't that happen? I mean, that would be my biggest concern because we talk about this a lot on the show. I hate the chat with the hairdresser. I hate it. And that would be my worry that you've got the porno out and then that's a new layer of conversation. You know what I mean?

They're like pretty nice boobs on her, right? What would you do to her? Oh God. What's opening gambit? What's wrong with your dick? Because I'm presuming you're naked at this point. Why not? If it's all naked hair, it would be, if you're in the crazy old cinema

getting your hair cut and the hairdresser's nude, you would be nude as well, I think. That would be impolite not to be nude yes yes yeah and the hair and there's no smock over you because that's defeating the purpose so that your hair is just going all over your naked body i don't like that okay oh all right well let's scratch this idea but i want a smock at least so i don't get those little hairs on yeah yeah yeah less beer and more working on how to not be itchy on the back of your neck for the rest of the day after you get a haircut. Let's solve that one before we bring hard liquor into this.

Yeah, yeah. And hardcore pornography. Yeah. Let me talk about this, please. Permission granted. Thank you. It was my birthday yesterday. Oh, yeah.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Oh, no. We my birthday yesterday. Happy birthday to you. Oh, no. We have to pay. We have to pay. No, no, no. Not anymore. It's public domain. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear. Happy birthday. You just keep saying happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Hip hip. Hooray. Hip hip. Hooray.

How was he born so cute? Speech, speech, speech. Wow, that chewed up some time, didn't it? I was just talking with someone the other day how miserable Happy Birthday is, and we should just replace it with the three cheers, which is more fun for everybody. That's all you need to do.

Three cheers for so-and-so. Everyone is involved, and it's over so fast. And everyone just sings it in this dreary monotone. It's so depressing. It's a bad tune. Yeah, yeah. Why don't we kill ourselves? See, what I did then is what I like to do whenever I'm in an office situation

and people do the song. I'm the one who goes hip-hip to be the guy who says hip-hip. I like to be that guy because then I do it twice and then when they wait for the third hip-hip, I don't say anything. And then everyone just stands there and goes, what's happening? You are a fucking prankster. What a silly Billy. Yeah, I take control of that situation.

But in the couple of days before my birthday, I kept like bumping into – I would see people at gigs and whatever and people kept going like, hey, it's your birthday on Thursday, isn't it? And like it happened a lot and I kept going, why does everyone seem like they're so in touch with when my birthday is coming up? Like how does everyone know this? And then the night before I was at a gig and I saw a friend of the show,

Xavier Michaelides, and he goes, oh, your birthday is tomorrow, isn't it? And I go, yeah, this keeps happening. Like why does everyone keep asking me about it coming up? And he goes, I got an email about it at the start of the week from Google Plus saying guess what your little mate Tommy's birthday is coming up and I'm like is this did this happen to everyone

like does Google Plus like have me on suicide watch or something like this guy is one underappreciated day away from ending it we better make sure this birthday is a good one. Have you been googling cake a lot? And then they went, alright.

I don't like it. I don't like that that happened. That's weird, isn't it? I don't even know. How is that a thing? Why did Google Plus do that? I don't know. Zave was like, I've never gotten an email like that about someone before. I was like, I was Project Alpha. Yeah. I was the beta testing of this new.

Now it's going to happen to everyone. It's wonderful. Do you use Google Plus? No. I don't either. Google Plus was like a thing that just happens to you and you have no control over it. And I didn't know.

I kept getting notifications that someone added me to a circle. And I'm like, this is a total stranger. I don't want to be in this thing. What the fuck is the circles? I don't know. You couldn't opt out of it. Yeah, it was kind of Google going, like looking at Facebook and everything,

and going, fuck, we'd better get one of them, and just setting it up, and then everyone going, nah, no thanks. We should be intrusive too. Yeah. Are you on LinkedIn? No. I don't know.

Should I get on LinkedIn? No. What are you going to get out of LinkedIn? I don't know. I mean, that's a genuine question. I don't know what you get out of LinkedIn? No. What are you going to get out of LinkedIn? I don't know. I mean, that's a genuine question. I don't know what you get out of LinkedIn. It's for business people. It's not for our kind.

No. You're different to them. Not for carnival folk. Yeah, I don't know. But, yeah, that made me feel very weird that people are getting online harassed about my birthday coming up. Should we bring this? Oh, sorry, you go.

Oh, no, I was just going to say someone came to my house in a Google shirt and held a gun to my head and said, you better fucking tell him. And then I didn't. Well, you, until two hours ago, you didn't even know that it was my birthday yesterday. You said, isn't it next week? We're very good friends. Also, with the gun to the head, I would have opened the show with that.

To me, in my world, that's big news. You had to mention it twice before I asked as well. And it was about people being weird about, why should you have me back? I knew what I was doing. I have you a present. It's very heartfelt.

Yeah. Is it really? Where is that present? Where is it? It's not here. What's that? It's not here. I can't quite hear you.

Sorry. Well, I'm fascinated to see what it is because last year you got me a T-shirt with one of the minions on it. Yes. And you know that I hate the minions and you got it deliberately to annoy me. So I can't wait to see. Oh, yeah. Well, she's topped it this year by forgetting your birthday.

I got you more than that. That makes it sound so terrible. I got you so much stuff. You got me six nuggets. Six chicken nuggets. And a huge bottle of whiskey. And other things. Yeah, that's true.

So the bottle of whiskey is the real present and the Minions shirt is a goof. Tommy, you misrepresented it. Oh no, I'm being lampooned. The Minions is the little hip hip bit at the end of it. That's the little joke of mine. I sleep in the Minions shirt.

What do you think of that? I feel weird about it. Is that a compliment or not? Should we all stand? Why are you standing? All the guests are standing. Tradition when we get halfway Is that a compliment or not? Should we all stand? Yeah. Why are you standing? I'm about to stand the national anthem. Half of the, all the guests are standing. Tradition when we get halfway through the podcast, we do the national anthem. Are you guys worried about deep vein thrombosis at the moment?

All the time. All the time. You can walk around. I was just, my big boy boots were hurting my butt. Okay. I was sitting on them. Do you want a pillow? I tried to offer was sitting on them. So now I'm... Do you want a pillow? I tried to offer you a pillow earlier.

No, I'm just going to sit in a different fashion. No, no, no, no, no. Do you reckon Demi would fit in that suitcase you've got, Paul? I reckon she would. Yeah. You'd be a baby. Especially if she was dead, definitely. No, I would fit in that for sure.

I'd fit in smaller suitcases. Don't you worry about that. So, Paul, you come from Hollywood, right? That's true. We've seen that in the movies and such. Name a thing in Hollywood that you've been in. Like a cafe or like a suit. Man's Chinese Theater.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I've been in there. You've been there? Oh, that's nice. I saw Star Wars there. Did you really? The Force Awakens. Man's Chinese Theater. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I've been in there. You've been there? Oh, that's nice. I saw Star Wars there. Did you really? The Force Awakens. The Force Awakens!

I saw it opening weekend and because of the way things are in America now, before the movie started, we were all having fun. This is going to be great. It's the best part right before it starts.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I was like, what if somebody comes in and starts shooting up this movie theater? Yeah, yeah. Gosh.

I started looking around the exits like, I guess somebody comes in and starts shooting up this movie theater? Yeah, yeah. Started looking around the exits like, I guess I could jump over this railing and get low to the ground. I don't think I talked about this at the time but we did our 300th episode

a few weeks ago. Congratulations. Thank you. We did it in a big band room. We had to move it because we sold so many tickets. We did like a 500 person message.

Message received. And also, I've been to New York. Yes, before. I had cancer. I went in to check out the venue a couple of days before the show and the guy who owns it was showing me around.

And it's pretty new as a band room. He's just bought it and Slater Kinney played there at the start of the year. And he was telling me they had the Eagles of Death Metal there. Oh, sure. And I was like, oh, what was that like with all their – because they, you know, the Paris terrorist stuff happened during their gig.

I was like, what were they like to have come in? Are they – and he was like, you know what, surprisingly, they wanted a couple more security guards just in the hallways and out by the van. But apart from that, they were, you know, surprisingly easygoing about it. And then he just starts going, yeah, because, you know, this room, like, you know, look at it. Someone could just come in off the street and just fucking open fire

and just go for it. Like, you're up there on stage. You've got no protection. Like, you're just standing there. And people can come in. There's another way they can get in as well. There's a back door that's really easy to get in from the side street. Someone could just come in here and be on the stage

and you'd just be dead within five seconds. And we'd keep the gun rack right next to that doorway. And I'm going to kill you. Yeah. Anyway, see you tomorrow. It should be a fun show. And then I was like, oh my God. That's the case of literally everything though. Yes. Like every time

I'm near someone and you know, I know how this sounds, but every time I'm near someone that's relatively famous, I go, I could be the one here. I could be in the paper tomorrow. I could take this person out. Like you can do whatever you want. You say every time you have to? Well, various times.

Who's the most famous person you've thought about killing? The Prime Minister of Australia. Yeah. I was near him once and I'm like, I could be a guy that people are studying about. Yeah. I could do it now. You could. I could live forever.

How long do these thoughts last? I think this statement is guaranteeing that you'll be studied. Whether you do it or not, there's something to dissect here. I think the doctor's going to come around with his students and be like, look at this. Hey, everyone wants to be famous. That's, you know, Paul F. Tompkins goes to Hollywood, goes in movies. I can do it this way.

Goes to Hollywood, goes in movies. Oh, you can see me go in. And stuff. So I was bringing that up because we had a – I don't know whether you know this young comedian, Daniel Sloss. I know that name. You know the name?

Yeah. He's a good friend of ours. He was here earlier in the comedy festival and we have a thing with a couple of people where we've given them T-shirts of ours, merchandise of ours, and they've gone, oh, we want to wear them on TV. And we're like, oh, that's funny. Our friend Tom Ballard was on the big comedy festival gala this year,

wore our T-shirt on TV, and we're like, oh, that's so funny. And all of our listeners loved it, stuff like that. So we organized it. Daniel Sloss said, I'm going to do that. I'm going on Conan soon. So I'm going to wear your shirt on Conan. And we're like, awesome, that's amazing. So then he sort of took off to Sydney.

We went, okay, shit, we've got to give you that T-shirt. Conan and we're like awesome that's amazing so then he sort of took off to Sydney we went okay shit we've got to give you that t-shirt so I sent that t-shirt to him I said where should I send it he said Becky Lucas we've mentioned already this episode so I sent it I said to Becky Lucas what's your address she gave me the address I sent it off

and waited and waited and sort of went have you got it yet and she's like no I haven't got it yet it went on and on I, this is way too long. I ended up dealing with the post office. They said we've delivered it. We don't know what's happening. Anyway, in the end, it came back and Becky hadn't given her address properly at all.

Her own address. Yeah, she didn't know her own address properly. So she'd said 123 Smith Street, Sydney, whatever it is, didn't give the unit number. There's a million units on that address, whatever. So it just said 123 Smith Street, Sydney, whatever it is. Didn't give the unit number. There's a million units on that address, whatever. So it just came straight back to us. By that time, Daniel had gone back to Scotland where he lives. So I went,

right, well, okay, well, we've wasted that shirt and that postage. I'll send it to Edinburgh. I'll send it to where Daniel Sloss lives. So I sent it to him. I said, have you got it yet? He went, I just went to America. So then there's that t-shirt in Edinburgh So then he's like I'm in America And I'm on Conan in five days time

And so I went to the post office I asked Tommy They said if you wanted to get it in five days time It costs what was it $85, $90 It was like we could get it there in four or five days Or we could get it there in two And it was going to cost a bit more And I just went, well, we've already spent an insane amount of money on doing this.

Yeah. Let's just pay the extra to guarantee that it gets there in two. It costs so much money to send t-shirts anywhere. Yeah. Especially overseas. It's crazy. Wasn't it like $100 or something that we spent? Yeah.

No, no, no. On just this one. On that one. Yes. Yes. Totally. So this is the third shirt we've sent at this stage as well

so I send it to Hollywood and then we're waiting and waiting and then a day or two before I'm in constant contact with Daniel saying

have you got it yet and he's like no and then the closer I get I start to think this is a comedy joke like you've got it you've got it he's got all of them

yeah yeah yeah you keep saying you don't have it, but this is going to be a great prank where you walk out on the Conan show. Be on the show. Keep taking them off. There's one on underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Babushka doll stand-up show with Daniel Sloss. And so he keeps going, no, I haven't got it. And I still think

he's got to be pranking me. And I watch the tape. He's not wearing it. I'm like, fuck! He still didn't get in. We paid $100. I watched the tape. Yeah. The tape? still didn't get in. We paid $100. I watched the tape. Yeah. The tape. We paid the Hollywood tape. I paid $100.

We've now got three T-shirts going around the world. He hasn't got any of them. And so then like two days later he goes, oh, yeah, I got one. I got one of them. I'm like, oh, fuck. So, yeah. So anyway, so I just think they've all caught up to him at some stage. This is like the garden gnome in Amelie where she's just getting photos of all these locales around the world.

Yeah. So this is all happening in April, April and May, right? Yeah. This is when all this is happening. Anyway, this week I got a parcel in the mail. One of the shirts, the one that went to Hollywood. It's taken this long to get. He never even got that one.

It's bounced back. Yeah. Wow. Was it sent to a hotel or something where he was staying? It was sent to his friend's house and then I found out they sent me a notice that came back with it. They go, yeah, your friend didn't give the address properly. What the fuck's going on here? No one knows where the fuck

they live these days. How does no one know where they live? So we paid all that money. Yeah. Can't we get that money back? We paid for it to go somewhere. No, because they gave the wrong address. So we have got no claim except for one against Daniel Sloss. Oh, fuck.

I wish someone had taken us out of that 300th show. So we've all up. It's like $200 we've spent on three T-shirts. Fucking hell. For no reward at all. And the one he got was the one that was from Edinburgh in the end. Right. That was the only address that anyone got right in this whole story.

What a fucking debacle. But why did it take four months to get it back from Hollywood? Yeah. Where's it been sitting? It's not. Did it come by boat? I don't, yeah, I don't know. Did you find out what the problem was with the address?

Yeah, it was exactly the same problem as the other one. It was like the unit number wasn't on it or something. What's wrong with people? Yeah. People are just going, yeah, I live at 1 Wall Street and no other detail. Paul, give us your address right now in case we need to send you something. 1-2-3 Smith Street. So, yeah, so now we have pictures of Daniel Sloss

floating around Edinburgh and such in the shirt, which I know that means he goes, I'll definitely wear it next year on Conan. I'm like, you're wearing it around now. You're wearing it around getting drunk. You're not going to wear that in a year's time. You're wearing an old shitty T-shirt on TV in a year's time. Well, to be fair, it's a very shitty shirt even when it's new.

Wait, wait, wait. So in the space of a year, he. Well, to be fair, it's a very shitty shirt even when it's new. So in the space of a year, he'll just ruin this t-shirt. Rolling around in the mud. It's from a guy who doesn't know his address, so of course he's going to ruin it. What sort of person can take care of their own clothes if they don't know where they live? But wait, he got his address

right. Yeah, he got his mum's address right. That's sweet. You never forget your mum's address. What unit she lives in. The cockiness of Daniel Sloss too. Next time I'm on Conan. There's always a next time.

Don't worry about it. Probably within the next three months. Yeah, the next I know there's going to be a... There's always a next time. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Probably within the next three months. And yeah, the next time. I can go on whenever I want with any piece of shit on my chest. Who cares? How do you feel about that? This Scottish guy coming over there, doing all your stand-up spots on your American TV shows

for three weeks. Well, you know, immigration's a big problem right now. We're going to build a wall. Who are you going to vote for? Make Scotland pay for it. Who are you going to vote for? What do you mean, who am I going to vote a wall. Make Scotland pay for it. Who are you going to vote for? What do you mean, who am I going to vote for?

You know what I mean. Jill Stein, of course. I'm going to vote for Hillary Clinton because I'm a grown-up and I'm not a maniac. And you're not so sold on the gates of hell opening up? The gates of hell opening up? Is that the thing?

I don't feel that if I feel like if Hillary Clinton is elected president, we'll probably be okay. I don't feel that she is a murderer. That's a popular thing right now. Is that she's a murderer.

I don't think she's a murderer. Yeah, but it's terrifying. It's a murderer. I don't think she's a murderer. Yeah, but it's terrifying. It's very scary. What is literally the worst thing that could happen if Donald Trump got in? Donald Trump getting in. Yeah, but what would actually... I think a lot of people are fascinated by the idea

of what literally would actually happen. I think all the stuff that he's said he's going to do. But he can't... How much of that can he really do, though? The worst thing that could happen is a nuclear strike. Oh yeah, there's that thing. Yeah, right.

Which he has talked about. He's like, I don't know why we don't use our nukes more. There's a very good reason why we don't. We all kind of decided we weren't going to do that.

He's basically like Yukar with the whole thing of like being around someone famous and going, I'm going to kill this person. But he just has that on a way bigger scale.

I could just push this button and just fuck I'm going to kill this person. But he just has that on a way bigger scale. I could just push this button and just fuck everything. Well, that is tempting. Like I saw those quotes and I sort of identified a little bit with that where he was like, so if I get in, I can just do whatever I want, can't I? And they're like, no, you can't. He's like, well, why not? Because I'm the number one guy. I'm like, yeah.

Because no one can – can anyone stop you from doing stuff like that? Since we started recording this, I feel a lot less safe in this room. I don't have access to any of those things. Hey, you're no one at the moment. You're safe. And I'm going to stay that way, baby. Hey, if I take you out now, I'm not in the paper tomorrow probably. I don't know.

Page seven. I think that would be in the paper. Thank you, Paul. You're welcome. Make the classifieds. Like if your mum paid for it. Classifieds. If your mum paid for it in Memorial.

Who wants to pay for this thing that already happened? You've got to pay for a death notice. Put it on your Patreon and see how much your fans want you to kill me. Live on the podcast. Should we do that? Yeah. Please. How much would you want to go for?

What kind of bounty do you think? I've got to be honest. I don't really want to go that much. However. That's the most positive thing I've ever heard you say. Everyone's got their price. That's true. How much would you be killed for?

What's the... I don't think it would actually be that high. Because I feel like how good it would make me feel outweighs how much I want to live the rest of my life maybe. $69 would be pretty cool. Yeah, buddy. So good. My housemate got cut off in traffic the other day by a car that had the license plate.

Fat 69. Fat 69. Yeah, well you would get that way because dinner for two. Yeah, exactly. you would get that way because dinner for two. Yeah, exactly. But order yourself. Which makes me wonder, what are they saying no to if they're saying yes? That's it. If I worked at VicRoads and I was in charge of, like,

processing people's custom license plate requests, do you think you're allowed to ask if you work there? Like, when people come in and go, why? Why do you want this? Are you allowed to grill people? Yeah, yeah. I would have to know. There must be a database of all the

combinations that you're not allowed to use, surely. Yeah. Like, you can't use any of the famous swear words, surely. What about the indie ones? Yeah, you can get obscure ones in there, sure. Yeah, you can't use any of the swear words that Carl wants to kill. Yeah.

You know what I mean? There must be a database of where you type in, right, arse 69 and then it goes ding. You can't do that. I'm surprised that 69 has gotten through the net. Yeah. That that's not flagged as like that's a sex thing you've got on your car. I think everyone kind of enjoys that as a joke.

I don't think there's anyone who's immune to it. So that even the people that work. Or it goes the other way where it's like everyone at VicRoads is just very just sexually plain and they don't even know that the 69 exists. Is VicRoads the Department of Motor Vehicles? Yes. In Victoria.

In Victoria? Okay. Yes. It's not a person named VicRoads. The private detective? I mean, there must be someone out there with that name. Victor Rhodes. That's the reason. You know what I mean? Surely you go through it. You type in that word. You put in

if you put 69 is cool or cool 69. That's great. If you put that in. That's great. If you put that in, that's great. It would come up. It would go, it would go ding, ding,

ding, ding, you're not allowed to do that. Would it ding, ding, would it? Yeah. That would be an alert. What 1999 Flash style website is this? Hold on. Imagine if you saw a license plate

that said 69 is cool. Well, you won't Because it goes ding ding on the computer And you can't get it I like that you corrected yourself It was 69 is cool And then you were like, no no no wait Cool 69 No you know why I corrected myself

Because I was like 69 is cool, too many letters That won't fit I want to keep this hypothetical realistic I don't know why I corrected myself because I was like 69 is cool. Too many letters. That won't fit. Too many letters. That won't fit. Cool 69. I want to keep this hypothetical realistic. What if cool were spelled K-U-L? Oh, yeah. 69 is cool. No.

I think. Is that? No, that's too many. You can only have six. Still too many? I think you can only have six. Can't you? 69.

S. 69s. 69. No, it's six characters. I know this Because I've seen a car before Yeah Oh what you tell me

What Listen my friend She cracked it 6 69S 69 is Yeah 69S yes

KUL Oh right okay Yeah Yeah but that's very convoluted I don't think I would pay good money for that That's part of the fun Yeah it's like a little puzzle We did it

We made it Yay To the Oralmobile. That's too many letters. The little rule in my head that I have whenever I try and remember how many letters you're allowed on a personalised number plate is, I remember seeing when I was growing up, I remember seeing someone with a number plate, Nivana, instead of Nirvana, where they've gone, we need one letter, one letter gone, bang. But why do you need a rule to remember?

It's just six. You see license plates all the time every day. You have your own learning aids, I'll have mine. That's how I remember that rule. It's like I before E except after C or whatever. That's my one. Tell me, how did you get learning aids? He had sex with a teacher.

I did a lot of unprotected learning. Hey, we'd better wrap this up because, Paul, you have to go and sound check. Yeah. I guess they go and do his big live podcast, a big comedy bang bang podcast. It's very true. It's very true. We are stopping him from... That sounded like someone's mum describing what he does.

It's doing his big live comedy show. Wait, Carl, I thought that that laptop was in aid of the podcast in some way, but now you're putting it into a sleeve. Oh, yeah. I had my laptop out, and I'm putting it into a sleeve because that was just all of my dot points, that I had my little bullet points. Yeah.

That's where I had Nivana written down and 69 is cool. You've done this show, but what did you think he was going to start playing wacky sound effects out of it to send us out? I thought he was monitoring the recording. Ah, of course. Was it like, did you just have the penthouse website open up?

Yeah, yeah. Subscriptions. Just watching it go in. And stuff. Yeah, for some reason I feel like I've got all hair on the back of my neck now after jerking my tiny dick. Well, Demi Lardner and Paul Tompkins, thank you so much for joining us.

Demi, what would you like to plug? You've got your own podcast with our friend Bart Freeban. Yes, I have my podcast with our friend Bart Freeban and you send in voicemails of advice that you would like to get and we give you that. What's the name of it, Demi? It's called We Are Not Doctors. Right.

You can find it on the podcast internet. On the what? The podcast internet. Oh, okay, right. Ding, ding, ding. Sorry, why did I question that? I'll take that back. Sorry.

Paul? Me. What have you got? I have a podcast as well called Spontaneanation, which comes out on Mondays from the Earwolf Network. Oh, I remember that network. Right. I remember the Earwolf Podcasting Challenge.

Yeah, we lost. We talked about that last week. I figured on the last episode, because we were talking to your friend, your comedy friend, Scott Orkerman. That's right. It's just your comedy friend, right? It's not a personal relationship?

We're only work friends. We're only work friends. Right. I forgot that he's the one who voted us out. I forgot about that. Yeah. I was like, oh, you hosted it. And he's like, no, no, no, just to be clear, I'm the one.

I was the deciding vote, and I made sure you didn't win. Fuck! How early in the conversation was that? This was right at the end. Thankfully, yeah. Good timing for it. Good timing. Good timing for it.

And plus, Paul, you're currently on tour with the Comedy Bang Bang. You're going to the UK. We've got plenty of listeners in the UK. Yes, that's right. The last week of September, we will be in London, Nottingham, Manchester, and another place.

I cannot recall at the moment. Classic England. Everyone, go to the website and find out who Paul is ignoring. Who Paul is disrespecting by not remembering the name of the town. Whose identity am I protecting? It's a very famous town and I do not want Carl to assassinate everyone.

Is that whole town in Witness Relocation program? We've got all our stuff on sale. We've got an Adelaide show coming up October the 4th. We've got the t-shirts, all that kind of business. By now, let's say that Perth's on sale as well. Okay, cool. Come and get a Perth show.

Come and get a Perth. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.