The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 311 - Dave O'Neil & Ben Lomas

Episode Date: September 20, 2016

Home Birthing, Dave's Friend Eric and Wild Sally.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Nick Cody. What of it, pal? Good question. What of it? It's nice when a little friend of ours sponsors the show. A friend of ours wants to give us money to talk about him on the show. Sure, we'll take it. So what does he want?

He just wants to talk about him as a person? Yeah. How great he is? Wang size. He is doing a couple of shows. That's what he wants to tell everyone about. Well, that's literally what he is. Wang size. He is doing a couple of shows. That's what he wants to tell everyone about. Well, that's literally what it is. Yeah, he's promoting doing his job.

Yeah. He sees us as a viable option. He's looked at buying an ad during House Husbands and it probably charged him a little bit too much. We're the next best thing to do. We're a couple of house husbands, aren't we? Yeah. We're stay-at-home professionals.

Yeah, looking after our little baby careers. Looking after our little baby dicks. Yes. He's doing shows. But seriously. Yeah, enough kidding around. I think this podcast is too funny. Let's get real.

Nick Cody is doing his show. He's doing a solo show. You know what? He's going to the number one city in Australia that likes buying tickets to shows. He's coming to Adelaide. Good luck, Nick. Yeah. I can see why you need – well, hey, you know, we always have great results in Adelaide,

so I can see why he wants to promote it on this. Yeah. So, hey, you know what? Nick Cody is coming. He's doing a solo show. Get out there, people of Adelaide. You love your comedy. It is on Wednesday, October the 5th.

He's doing a solo show in Adelaide, coincidentally the day after we do our live podcast. Yes, you can have a big week of being a big old nerd for comedy, can't you, Adelaide? Yeah, it's his solo show from this year's festivals. You know who are big fans of Nick Cody? My parents. Really?

Yeah, they went to see him last year and I thought, they were like, we bought a ticket to that Nick Cody guy, that friend of yours. And I'm like, oh boy. I just thought there would not be their speed. Right. But they fucking love him. Oh, really?

And now it's another guy that I'm getting told that I should try and be more like. Oh, great. Well, do they listen to this podcast? Because now they have a chance of going to Adelaide to see him. So get a ticket, Adelaide, go and buy a ticket to Nick Cody's show. I'm not sure where tickets are available because I'm looking at his website now and it doesn't have details on nickcody.com.au. But if you want to go to nickcody.com, it's a different story.

I encourage people to go to nickcody.com. Check it out. We won't spoil it, but go check it out. It was quite a nice surprise. We'll put all the details up. We'll get all the links and we'll put them up. He's also got a big Sydney show, correct? Yes.

That he wants us to plug? He's doing a massive one. So, yeah, Adelaide. Adelaide, October 5 on the Wednesday. Go and see Nick Cody at the Rhino Room, which is the same room, absolute same location, after we do our live podcast the night before. Just camp in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Get a two-day pass. Use it like a music festival. Yes, totally. Hide under a chair and sleep over. It'll be warmer and nicer than being out in a paddock. Just bring your own grog.

Do some drugs after our – Yes. Or during our podcast. And then hang around and see Nicodee the next day so that's Adelaide taken care of bang

that's ding that's the sound of Adelaide selling that show out already so so what happens when a show sells out there's an audible ding from the computer

yeah put an alert on a sold out sticker for Adelaide yeah I like it what else you got Sydney I think it would be more like alert like

because it ain't happening in Adelaide Sydney hey Sydney Nicodee's doing a massive massive show in a massive massive theatre the Enmore Theatre We're like alert like... Because it ain't happening in Adelaide. Sydney. Hey, Sydney. Nick Cody's doing a massive, massive show in a massive, massive theatre. The Enmore Theatre. He's doing a DVD recording on November the 17th.

So it's a little way away from this second. But Sydney, you buy your tickets in advance. I know how you work. We've had shows on sale in Sydney. You buy your tickets. Good work. You're a big old big town, aren't you? Go see Nick Cody.

If you listen to the show, of course you're a fan of him. He's always great on here and he's a fantastic stand-up as well, kicking some serious goals at the moment. He's in our top five guests, I reckon. Yeah. Should I release the whole list? No, he's my top six. Oh, really?

I wonder who just beat him at number five. We will never know. I'll release the full list of grading every guest we've had from best to worst. Oh, I like it. I'll release that very soon. I love it. I won't release that. The list. Yeah, the list.

So go and do that. Sydney, November 17th. DVD recording. Get your little laugh on camera. Be like a Dilrub Jai singer and laugh ridiculously. Be like a Dilrub Jai singer and go watch comedy. Be like Dilrub Jai singer and laugh ridiculous at you. Be like a Dilrub Jai singer and go watch comedy. Be like Dilrub Jai singer and fill up a venue.

And he's got a couple of supports that night. Good friends of ours, Bart Freebarn and Luke Heggie. Luke Heggie's never been on our show, but let's fix that very soon. Yeah, we'll get him on at some point. He lives in Sydney, so let's get him on very soon because he's a funny guy. We also need to mention our other sponsor. They've been around for a while now yellow chocolate mousse you know what you love it it

doesn't get old we're still being being bombarded with pictures of people buying yellow chocolate mousse on social media people love sharing just the amount of similar pictures we get sent where it's just a picture of a tub of chocolate. On a shelf. Yeah, on a shelf. Because a lot of the times it's not them at home eating it. It's like, there's one in a supermarket. I'll send that to you guys. And it's cool because we get to then show it to Yella and go,

hey, look, people are really into this. I got to say, me personally, I couldn't give a fuck about what you're seeing in the supermarket. Do you know what? Tag our account. I don't need my personal account. Oh, really? Take the Dum Dum Club.

I sound extremely ungrateful, don't I? I'd say from now on, exclusively send them to at Daslow on Twitter. Well, here we go. All right. All right. I've set myself up for this. That's fine. Yep.

So we love that. Yellow, you guys all love it. So get into it. Yellow chocolate mousse. All the different varieties because this is hot news. They've started just calling it dark chocolate mousse. Wow. They've changed the labelling because it always was pretty dark.

But now they've got their milk chocolate flavouring in the big Costco. Okay. There's some slight changes. How do you feel about this? I'm fine. I like it all. I'm a big fan of all ranges of chocolate mousse made by Yellow. Great.

Yep. Get out there, available at finer retailers, and yeah, let them know. Let them know that you're into it and that you found it through us. Okay. And hit them up to find out where it is in your town. Yes. Again, don't hit up us. We don't know.

Yeah, I don't. Unless it's at our local supermarket, we don't know. Literally email, go to yella.com.au and ask them. Maybe go to nickcody.com and ask them as well. Okay. Also, we mentioned't know. Literally email, go to yellow.com.au and ask them. Maybe go to nickcody.com and ask them as well. Also, we mentioned it before, Adelaide, Tuesday, October the 4th. We are over there doing a big live show.

We've mentioned it a bunch. We've got amazing guests coming over with us. It is going to be I wonder if one of them is doing a show the next night. Who knows? It seems like too much of a coincidence to me, but look, we're going to have to find out on the day. It's going to be awesome. I've got to tell you, Carl, I'm really looking forward to it.

I love our little trips over to Adelaide. It is. For all the moaning and bitching we do about people being slow buying tickets, what happens in the end is people generally come through and our 24 hours there is fucking great. I think it's my favourite of the trips that we do because it's an easy flight. We get there. It's always a good time. Adela it's an easy flight. You know, we get there.

It's always a good time. Adelaide's a nice town. We go to the bakeries and we spend a whole day drinking from 10am, having a little nap to sober up before the show. And it also feels a little bit like we all get to the airport, like we take all the guests from Melbourne. We all get on the same plane together. There's five of us and it's like we're going on some naughty excursion.

It's Mad Monday for podcasting. Yes, exactly. Do you want to dress up on the flight? It's a footy trip. I'm going to black up in tribute to my African-American culture. I'm going to dress up as you. Dress up as me blacked up? Yeah.

So that's great. October the 4th, very soon now, ticketslittledumbdumbclub.com. They are starting to move. Some of those Adelaide people, they're getting off their little fannies. They're walking over to their computer. Every year, gradually, gradually, gradually, Adelaide, the sales go up and up and up. So yeah, it's doing all right. Let's get into it. Let's finish the job. Let's stop fucking around. Let's go.

Yeah, let's get off our sweet little fucking South Australian heinies and buy some tickets. Take the fruit chocs out of your ass and get onto the laptop. Get a pie floater out of your dick hole. I've never had a pie floater. Maybe I'll try one on this trip. Get on it. I don't really like peas though. I love peas.

Do you? Should we do for peas what we did with hollandaise a couple weeks ago and just talk about it for half an hour? Yeah. You know what? There's a lot of vegetables I don't fancy. Peas, fuck, nearly number one. Really?

Nearly number one. What don't you like? Oh, name it. Vegetable-wise. Name it. I'm not big on – I could eat – look, I could eat the staples until the cows come home. What do you mean the – you could eat staples until the cows come home? No.

Yeah. They're classic vegetables, staples. What do you mean you could eat staples? No. Yeah. They're classic vegetables, staples. I could eat potato, carrot, pumpkin, peas, sweet potato. Sweet potato is good.

Onion. Yeah. Oh, I could eat. Onion is great. Peas I don't like. They're too hard to eat as well. Really? I don't like them.

I reckon they're in my top two. Potato and peas. Of guests that we've had on this podcast. Potato and peas. Just behind Nick Cody actually. Yeah. So potato is something where if you say it's your favourite food, Of guests that we've had on this podcast Potato and peas Just behind Nick Cody actually Yeah so Potato is something where if you say it's your favourite food It makes you sound like you've got an acquired brain Like imagine meeting someone

They're like my favourite food's potato Oh it's my number one by far Yeah It's my number one by far Easily Perth We've got to mention Perth Yes Perth

We're going to Perth It is Sunday November the 30th Yes I believe it is No is, November the 30th. Yes. I believe it is. Is it November the 30th? No, it's October the 30th. October 30th. October 30th.

Yes, sorry. October 30th, of course. I'm sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry, Tommy. I apologise to you. The weekend before the race. No, is it Cup weekend?

Or the weekend before? I don't know. Who gives a shit? Yeah. That is selling well. That's still a little while off. But hey, you know know it's creeping up And again we've got great guests coming over with us

Perth shows again always very fun Always a good time over there You guys know what you're doing Yeah Guys that have been there before Will come back because I know it's guaranteed a great time You get a bit of stand up You get a bunch of stand up

You get a bunch of podcasts You get us being quite drunk by the end of it You get a You know stand-up. You get a bunch of stand-up. You get a bunch of podcasts. You get us being quite drunk by the end of it. You get a – you know, Adelaide and Perth, we have really pulled out the stops to get some sweet guests over there. Yeah, yeah. This has been a good – this is a good little run we got coming up. Yeah. Let's also mention this.

A few people in Melbourne didn't want another live show. We're doing one. Well, you know what? Are we doing one? What are we doing? I think we might be doing back to back too. We might be doing two. We might do it and then we might do it again.

Yeah. Dinner for two. We've done it again. The 69 of gigs. Yeah. This is the deal. Let's go to the website. Go to nickcody.com.

No. Go to littledumdumclub.com. The details will be ironed out. But what it's looking like doing is it's a double episode. It's on a Saturday night. It is Saturday, November the 12th. Saturday, November the 12th. It's at the European Beer Cafe where most of our recent-ish ones have been.

It's a great – A home ground. Yeah, it's a great room for it. So we're doing a Saturday night. We're going to do two. We're going to do two. We're going to do two shows back to back. Back to back. And then, big chance, we'll confirm this later on,

big chance of doing a little stand-up show after. But a bit of a different stand-up show. We're going to organise like a dumb after-party kind of thing where we do stupid – so a lot of the things that we've talked about on this show where we joke about, oh, wouldn't it be funny if we did this as stand-up or I'll say to you, oh, you've got to do that. We're going to kind of compile a lot of those ideas that we've had.

A lot of favourite little ideas. Yeah. A little bit of this. How about a bit of this? Stand-up show, not just our boring stand-up that you guys hate. Not your granddaddy's stand-up show. Yeah, this ain't your regular stand-up show. This is a stand-up show starring Yeah. This ain't your regular stand-up show. This is a stand-up show starring.

You've heard of comedy. This is going to be alternative comedy. Oh. The alternative to good. No. It's going to star a bit of Baby Bogan. Baby Bogan making a comeback. A bit of Gary Chook.

Mm. The Chook. A bit of. I think a lot of our listeners would never have seen the Chook. No. We've talked about him a bit. It's very rare. It's rare.

It's very rare for the Chook to come down from Maroochydore. He does one gig a year on Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. A bit of the comeback after all the talk last episode, a bit of the talk of early Carl Chandler. The jammies. In the PJs.

Yep. Going to bring the PJs back for one night only. They're happening. It's happening. And we'll get some friends to do some dumb stuff. With the original gear as well, original material. Yeah. Well, material as in jokes.

Yeah. Not the fabric that the pyjamas were made of. No, sadly, no, that is gone. But I'm going to recreate it because they're not going to be 10-year-old stinky pyjamas. The jokes, however. Yes. Oh, totally.

Very creaky. Real stinkers. Yeah. And then we're talking about, yeah, maybe doing, you know, having me DJ again or something. Yeah. Again, I did it for about eight minutes at the 300th. More importantly, it's going to be party.

It's going to be, you know, the sort of fun that we like to have late in the night. And we do like to have fun. We do. We're a couple of fun boys, wouldn't you say? It's Saturday night. You know, you want to have a few beers. We certainly do. It's going to have fun. We do. We're a couple of fun boys, wouldn't you say? It's Saturday night. You know, you want to have a few beers. We certainly do.

It's going to be fun. So two massive podcasts, two podcasts containing awesome, awesome guests. We're on our home ground. We're in Melbourne. We got a choice of any celebrity in this town. People are begging to get on. We got a choice of any woman that's in the crowd that we want to make love to at the end of those gigs. Exactly.

They all line up and then we get our bodyguards to sort of point. Fuck them for us. We point them out. The bodyguards go and grab them and go, the podcast hosts want to see you privately. And then they march on back to the green room. And then we fuck people in front of each other. That's what happens. And then we fuck people in front of each other. That's what happens.

And then we fuck each other. Okay. We point each other out to our bodyguards and they'll say, that little boy over there and then they'll bring over Tommy and then I'll make sweet love to him. Okay. We got to mention the Patreon.

People sponsor us. People support the podcast. We really appreciate that. People that haven't been named so far, we will get to all of you. Trying to get through. Let's go through these quickly because, you know what, we've been copping a lot of flack lately for how long these intros go for. I don't give a shit.

They take as long as they need to take for it to be. Someone messaged us the other day saying, hey, maybe because you got Paul F. Tompkins in this episode, you should include a warning at the start That the intro goes for 30 minutes A warning As if it's going to cause people harm of some kind Technically that would make it longer

Exactly A warning Can you imagine suggesting such a thing? Who made a suggestion? Maybe it was even Josh Earle Or someone like that the other day No, no, no It was a listener

I can't remember who it was Josh Earle's into it like that the other day that went, no, no, no. It was a listener. I can't remember who it was. Josh Earle's into it. He said that he enjoys them. Oh, he loves it. He loves it. Someone said we should just do a tour of the Patreon ads. Bring no guests. That's great. Bring no guests. Just me and you. Well, let's do that at the stupid, at the after-party gig. Let's, after the stand-up bit, let's

read Patreon ads for half an hour. Let's do a live, let's do the ad live as part of the after party. Fuck. That's good. Just to be clear, at the Melbourne after party,

that won't be recorded. So we're reading our Patreon names, we're doing all that stand up, we're not going to record that. No, we'll do the stand up and then why don't we just record a live version of like four episodes worth of that.

No, I want to do it live. I want to do it live, not recorded, because then we can do the blue version of the four episodes worth of that no i want to do it live i want to do it live not recorded because then we can do the blue version of the patreon okay the raw up late version of reading out patreon sponsors yeah i'm sick of playing it safe with anita tits and jack my tiny dick off yeah you want to come to see when the when the chain's off you want to come and see what what we really think. All right, what have we got? Let's go through some quickly now.

All right, big thanks to some recent sponsors. Darcy Davis. Darcy Davis, good name. Alliteration in a name I always think is very interesting. It's an interesting parental naming choice, don't you think? Darcy Davis, you know what I'd be calling him? Double D. Oh, yes.

I wonder if he's got a fat pair of tits on him. He's very well endowed in his bank account to afford to give us money. Very nice. I like it. You like that? Thanks, Double. Thanks, DD. Thank you to Ben Clark.

Clarky. Clarky. Clarky. Clark Rubber. BC. He's given us $10 a month. $10 BC. Yeah. Yeahy. Clark rubber. BC. He's given us $10 a month. $10 BC. Yeah.

Yeah, the Stone Age. Yeah. Before Christ, he started giving us some shekels. I like it. Yeah. Thanks, Benny. Thanks, BC. Also, thank you to Philip Cannon.

Oh, the Cannon. That's a name I recognise. He's a repeat offender on social media. Yeah, yeah. Well, you don't have to get a name like Cannon. The Cannon. Oh, the Cannon. That's a name I recognise. He's a repeat offender on social media. Well, you don't have to get a name like Cannon. The Cannon. That's great. That's a great last name. What would you cop growing up?

Cannon. With Cannon. You're going to blow your load? You're going to blow a big old... I reckon at a certain age there'd be a lot of that, I reckon. You're going to blow your balls out? You're going to shoot your balls out of your... Are you asking me in general right now? Yeah, yeah of that, I reckon. You're going to blow your balls out? You're going to shoot your balls out of your... Are you asking me in general right now?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I forgot. As soon as you leave, I tell you what, I'm going to blow my balls right out. Hey, why wait? Philip. Thanks, Phil. Thanks, Phil.

Oh, now this is an interesting name. Phil, my mouth up with calm. Thanks, Phil. You're skipping ahead to the later Patreon sponsors. You're giving a bit of sweet sizzle for the live Patreon up late. What do we got? A guy called Louis K. Do you think that's the greatest comedian that's ever lived? I think that's the inventor The greatest comedian That's ever lived

I think That's the inventor Of modern day comedy Is sponsoring us The guy who invented Making rape funny In comedy Yeah

The guy who sells out Madison Square Garden Has deemed it worthy To give us ten bucks Out of that It's a good disguise He's picked there The guy that

The guy that people say That he exposes himself To other people. He's sponsoring us now. Great. That's in his wheelhouse. Yeah. Thanks for exposing us to your sweet cash.

You have to say, did you make sure that you said allegedly there? That's what I meant. People say he says it. To be fair, I think I'm more describing the actual person. Louis K. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I don't want to offend a big name. I'll just offend a listener of the show.

Louis K., you expose yourself to people in the park. Thanks, Louis. Thanks, Louis. Thanks for your fine work out in the field. Thanks for strapping that $10 to your dick and whipping it out and making us pull it off you. And showing it to us. Exposing your sweet cash-filled dick to us.

Meanwhile, thank you to Ashley Jean. Yeah, interesting name. Jean as in what I got on right now or Jean as in like jeans? No. The bad ones that you have. No. The bad ones that you have. The bad ones you have on.

Ashley Jean. Sounds like a first name. Sounds like a hyphenated name. It ain't. Ashley Jean, yeah. Yeah. Sounds more like a – it sounds like – It ain't. Ashley Jean, yeah. Yeah. It ain't. Sounds more like a,

sounds like a, like I know it's got Jean in the word, but sounds like a shop. Sounds like a clothing shop. I like it. Not to try and make everything rude, but you know, jeans. You know what I got underneath these jeans, Carl?

Ashley Jean. You know what I got underneath these jeans right now? Ashley? Big throbbing dick. Why are we making this so dirty this week? It's quite late at night. I think that's what it is. Yeah, we're getting tired.

This is love song dedications. I love you, Ashley Jean. Thank you to, this is interesting. Thank you to Harni Etherton. What's interesting about that? Well, Harni. I've never heard that word before. That name, H-A-N-I.

Harni. Is that a? Harni. That's female. It's female, yeah? I'm going to guessney. Is that a... Harney. That's female. It's female, yeah? Look, I'm going to guess yes. I'm going to say female. Get in touch, Harney.

Let us know. Yeah, let us know either way. What have you got? What have you got downstairs? What have you got underneath your Ashley jeans? What have you got in them drawers? Jesus. Once again, sorry to everyone. A schlong or a big old coochie?

Oh, God. What? This is weird. Do you not know how anatomy works? No, I don't. That's why I'm so shocked. I can't believe I finally get this way. Roll this condom over this banana and then suck on my dick.

Roll this condom over your harney. Thanks, harney. All right, what do you reckon? One or two more Two more Two more Let's do two more Because man

We've got so many to go through In the next Ten years or so Thanks years of Double barrelled You want to keep doing this With me for ten years Thanks dude

Yes Thanks I've knocked back So many jobs To just make sure I only read out People's names And insult them

At ten p.m. On a Sunday night Thanks to Kylie Agnew Francis. Oh, yep. I like it. The hyphenated... Two dads herself. Oh. KAF.

Yeah. CAF. The hyphenated surname. CAFA. I think I would hate to have a hyphenated surname. It's a lot of effort, you know. Anytime you've got to spell it out to people on the phone. You know what? Pick a lane. Yeah. Pick one. Or make up a new one effort, you know. It's a lot of – anytime you've got to spell it out to people on the phone. You know what? Pick a lane.

Yeah. Yeah. Pick one. Or make up a new one. Drop one off. Yeah. Break it off, you know. Snap it off. Snap it off.

All right. Last one. Last one. Oh, it's a brother or the friend of the show and a very familiar name. On the socials. On the social media. And share that to our social media. People have a lot of fun on it.

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Heaps of bullshit going on we put on we put up little you know like the pajamas that we talked about last episode picture surfaced yeah lots of visual stuff uh we put up a video every now and then all that sort of stuff get on all that stuff sinclair breen thanks to sinclair breen harley breen's brothers just chucked in some coin this week. Good on him. Thanks, Sinclair. Thanks, Sinclair Breen. Breen? What a fucked name. Probably doesn't have a car, the fucking idiot. Yeah, Broom.

Fuck you. All right. Well, thanks, guys. Thanks to everyone who chips in and supports the show. We really, really appreciate it. You get bonus stuff. Get your name read out. You get the monthly magazine. you get a monthly bonus episode uh so yeah come see a live show if we're coming

to near you littledumbdumbclub.com all the tickets and information will be up there all the social media stuff we announce it on there we plug it on there we got the t-shirts and the hoodies still going on uh yeah littledumbdumbclub.com. Is that it? Anything else to add? Yeah, if you want a hoodie, you know what? I reckon we've ordered a couple of sets of hoodies. They sold out the last couple. I ordered one last one. I reckon this is it.

I reckon this is the last set of hoodies. So if you – because, man, they take up too much space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're bulky. They're very bulky. They fill up half my – They're like what? Seven T-shirts equals one hoodie in size-wise?

Yeah, easy. Something like that. It's taking up too much space. I'm sick of a mill in the lounge room. Wow, you're really going on a rant here. Oh, man. They just sit – yeah, anyway. Who's the person that you think is being won over by this as a sales pitch?

Well, you know what? People just forget about it. People are going to start sending theirs back just to fuck you off. People forget about it. So last time I pushed on social media a week ago and all of a sudden we sold like 10 of them. Great. So here's a little mention of that.

This is your last chance to get them. It's about to become a limited edition item. Yeah, I think we've literally got like 15 left. I think we ordered about 120 or something. So we've got 15 left. Grab one of the last ones. Give us more stats, Rain Man. Yeah, all right.

You are 100% a dumb cunt. Wow, you're able to just work that out off the top of your head. Yeah. That's autism. Qantas have never crashed and you're 100% dumb cunt. All right, guys. Enjoy this episode with Ben Lomas and Dave O'Neill. This is a really good one.

It is some high quality comedy. I don't think we've had a bad one this year. 2016, Year of Dum Dum. The Year of the... We're fucking killing it this year, Tommy. Don't listen to any other year. Enjoy. Hey, mates. Welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting opposite me, as always, my best friend, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, I've got a bit of mailbag feedback from last week's episode that I'd like to get into, but, hey, you know what? There's no way we're going to be able to read this out without these two fucking clowns interrupting us.

So what do you say we just get him in here and we read it then? Wow, you've brought home a lot of crazy ideas from Japan, haven't you? Wow. Okay. I'm a workaholic. You can write that trip off as a work expense. You're a slave to the wage. This is important content that I –

imported content that I had to declare at customs. You're a celery man. That's what they call it. First of all, you know him as a big fan of comedy He loves to riff He's more like a big fan of comedy Comedy Lately he's been branching out into

By the look of him, pies Big fan of pies You can talk about pies Jesus Lately he's been branching out into a bit of riffing Which I'm sure we're going to hear about Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club Ben Lomax.

I love comedy. Now you are on a... Can we talk about this? Yes, we can talk about this. You're watching the phone. Yep. Your wife is two days overdue. Overdue, yep. And you're about seven days overdue by the look of it. He's done it again.

He's done it again. Two for the price of one at the hospital. So glad I came over. I think your water broke. Oh, no, you're sweating because you've been talking for two minutes. Hang on. Have we had a lot of time to write these down? No, we're ripping.

We're ripping. So good we don't even need a deal for these anymore. It's fantastic. Also, he's got a book out at the moment, The Summer of 82. Please welcome back into Little Dunham Club, Dave O'Neill. You're both bringing something new into the world. Hey, Poofs. Yeah, that's right.

The Summer of 82, what a great book. We'll talk about that later. You can ask me questions. Well, let's quickly be back to you. So, yeah, you've told us if the text comes through that your wife is finally leaving you, that you're going to have to leave and kill yourself. Yeah, kill myself. Well, either way, it's a win-win.

Has anyone ever left their husband as they're giving birth? Yes. Can you do that? Yes. What? Yes. Chicken Parma did. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Adam Parma did. You fucking idiot. You're so bad at this. Pretend this is radio. He wouldn't care, though. He'd tell me the story. Yeah, but who knows who the fuck you're talking about? That's who you're talking about.

How many of you listeners are going, oh, chicken, yeah, I know him. Yeah, I know him. You know these mics in front of us, Dave. We are recording this. All right. So I know a comedian. Right. That's how you do it.

I know a comedian called Adam. No, it's not Adam Hills. It's another Adam. He left his wife. He had a gig for a football club, and she was in the process of giving birth. He went and did the gig and she had the baby while he was gone. No. And he's like, oh, you know, I had to do the gig.

I'm like, no, you didn't. Hang on. Did they break up after that? No, no. They're still together. Oh, that's what I'm asking. That's just a different story. I'm asking if someone has ever left someone.

Left, like left, left. Yeah, yeah. Like she's squeezing out the kid and then he's like, probably this is the best time to tell you I've been fucking your sister. No, no, no. I like the other side of it. Like the female in it is giving birth and then just turns over and goes, oh, by the way, it's not you, it's me.

I think it does happen because it's such a big moment and stuff. Maybe, yeah, I've heard it happening. Statistically, it has to have happened. It must have. Or she gets a look at the baby as it first comes out and she goes, it looks like a piece of shit. And you know what? That's kind of your fault.

Yeah, next one. I've got to fix this for the next one. So, yeah, have we had anyone in this position? I mean, we had Limo come and do a live one recently where his wife was overdue at the time and he said he might have to leave. It seems like you are literally very worried about it. I had to convince you. We were expecting it a week ago,

just because we were expecting it to come earlier. Now it's hit the due date and it's two days over. It's because it's not an exact science of when the baby's going to arrive is it no because when you go to the obstetrician

you get to this thing and he goes so when was the baby conceived and you're like I don't know I don't know roughly this week

or month yeah and he just he has this little paper chart thing and he goes I think maybe September the 9th sort of that week

so it's not an exact science that's why no so it could it could happen any moment but they say the second ones

like the first one took forever yeah the first one is always late and so this one but then even then supposedly the birth the actual labour

itself is really quick so you know I could be doing here some mad riffs yeah and then I've got a bail but I don't want to miss the birth

of my second child but Adams was it the first or the second that he missed I don't know or his eighth I don't know. Or his eighth? I don't know.

He's got a few kids. I'm presuming the kid, you've already got a name picked out for the kid. Comedy. Well, it's funny you say that. It is funny on the comedy podcast. It is funny. No, but we've got a couple of names on the list. One of them being Tommy. Yay!

Oh, finally. The ultimate honour. No Carl? Yeah. So it's a girl. I was just... Hey, not to get too personal, but talk us through the night of conception. Getting to end.

Spare no details. It was the second time we had sex. And I got a couple through past the keeper and here we are. So you're going to be looking at that phone so this might happen you literally might walk out and it's not like

we might as well talk about it it's not like I have to rush off to a hospital because we've decided to have a home burn oh

yes comedy so you're going to blow up have you got a pool and stuff we've got a pool blown up together.

Hang on. How did you conceive the child? Was it comedy? So you got a midwife coming over and all that? No, just my dad. Shit. No, of course we got a midwife coming over. We part of this program through a hospital, through our hospital.

It's all set up. There's all these checks and balances. But fuck me, Dad. Because you did this with the a hospital, through our hospital, and so it's all set up. So there's all these checks and balances. But fuck me, Dad. Because you did this with the first kid, did you not? Yeah. And you said then that it was no good. You'd gone back for round two. Then we had to go to the hospital because there was like checks and balances

and complications. We had to go to hospital. But this time they reckon it'll be all good. I just want to get through it. I just like – Yeah, poor you. What do you do with the pool Is it the same pool From the first birth

Do the whirlpool Are you just going to bomb her Horses Splash But this is the thing The first time When it didn't work We'd set up the pool

And my partner went to hospital And also the pool Has my partner went to hospital. And also the pool doesn't have a heater, does it? No, it's warm water. You don't have to have a heater. I don't want to electrocute her. But then next time when she went to hospital, there was no room for me at the hospital. And then I only told my partner when I came back after our first child

because what I did is I set up the pool, moved the telly into the living room, ordered pizza and just used it as a spa. Oh, dad. That's disgusting. Well, good luck with the home birth. Wow. Yeah, I know. So, yeah, you don't have to race off to the hospital.

You just have to go home. Well, I have to set up the pool. We could have conceivably... Had it here. No, no. Yeah, you could have had the kid here. Hey, conceivably had a here. No, no. Yeah, yeah. You could have the kid here. Hey, conceivably. Good pun.

He's back. He's back. I tried to rush through that one. Oh, punster. We could have done the vodkas at your house. We could have. My partner would have

really enjoyed that. She loved it. Let's pack up and head over there. What do you say? Hi, honey. How are you feeling? Yeah, has anyone live podcasted a pregnancy?

Oh, man. At a pregnancy? Yeah. At a birth? Oh, man. At a pregnancy? Yeah. At a birth? At a birth. At a pregnancy. A nine-month-long podcast. Yeah.

All right, it's another one. That's more like the intro to the show, nine months. Well, okay, so let me circle back around to this. So last episode, Dave and Ben, for your benefit, we spent an hour talking about Carl's checkered beginning in comedy where he used to do gigs in a pair of pyjamas. Music background, music playing.

Oh, did you see that? No, I talked about it though. We started at the same time and I remember when I saw it I went, this kid's got potential. Like you're in a dream state. There's no way you used the term kid. It's old bloke. It dream state. There's no way you used the term kid. It's old, bloke.

It was good. It was good. It went well. It went well. Yeah, but you realise there must have been a point where you just went, nah, but I can't keep this up. Of course it was. That's why I'm not doing it.

Well, you talked about how you had Peter Alexander brand pyjamas. Yes. We got an email during the week from a listener. Oh, from Peter. Hey Carl, I'm So sorry to hear that Peter Allen didn't Peter Alexander didn't Carl Chandler in The Boy From Oz

The boy from the most fucked part Of Oz When my baby smiles at me I go to Peter Alexander Hey Carl, I'm so Sorry to hear that Peter Alexander didn't sponsor you As a big fan Of your dumb podcast Brackets As well as being

Peter Alexander's niece Oh what I will personally See to getting you Adequate replacement Pyjamas for your Live Melbourne show Oh

Yeah That is content baby Are you going to Bring back the character I'm going to bring it back The character So quirky You know that Inbred hillbilly character That you used to bring back the character? I'm going to bring it back. The character. It's so quirky.

You know, that inbred hillbilly character that you used to do. Fantastic. The great character of someone wearing pyjamas. It's just so much different from what I do now. I have different clothes on. But how good's this? We're in bed. Hey, another pun.

Yeah. With Peter Alexander. All right. Yeah. So the next Melbourne podcast. By the way, I want some fucking pyjamas as well. Well, you should have wasted three months wearing them nine years ago. I used to only wear Armani suits on stage when I started doing comedy.

I used to eat money. I remember that. I used to eat money on stage. If you can get in contact with us, that would be great. I always had McDonald's every night before my performances. Please send some. But yeah, we've got to see if we can go in there and you can pick them out. Yeah. Because I did, you know, I pick them out and yeah because I did

you know I talked about last week but I did wear these particularly stupid ones with big love hearts on I put it on social media this week I think it's the most

liked thing we've ever put on social media but anyway I'm going to request this girl I want her to I want her to record this conversation

with Peter Alexander I want to hear how that goes down yeah yeah right hey uncle I don't think she has to clear it with the head to just get one pair of pyjamas.

Yeah. I think she'll just take them somehow. Yeah. They're doing all right. He doesn't have to sign off on every thing. But how else is she getting them? It's not what, she's his niece, so she just lives in a house full of boxes of pyjamas.

But are these pyjamas still popular? Has she got like a black card for Peter Alexander? Yeah, Peter Alexander's been popular for about 20 years, his pyjamas. I thought it was the big thing and then it just Alexander. Yeah, Peter Alexander's been popular for about 20 years, his pyjamas. I thought it was the big thing and then it just stopped. No, they're still big. You know what I had as a sponsor? People still go to bed, you know.

Do you wear pyjamas to bed? No. Yeah, of course. I bought these pyjamas. Yeah, I love pyjamas. I bought these pyjamas at the time. Extravagant, really. I think I paid like 80 bucks for it or something at the time.

That's like eight years ago or something. I never wore them to bed. I don't wear pajamas to bed. So they just sat. What do you wear? You don't wear pajamas. I wear nothing. Nothing?

I wear nothing. I wear nothing, yeah. That's not good for you, you know. Why? Why? Because your body temperature drops and the pajamas are there to control the body temperature. Yeah, but here's the thing. I don't sleep in my garage.

I have fucking blankets and beanies on top of me. I didn't get raised by wolves. Well, I don't know. I think pyjamas are there for a reason, guys. What are you sleeping, Dave? What have you got? Yeah, flannel animals. Flannel pyjamas.

Oh, yeah. Of course you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I love them. What a dad. Flannel pyjamas, shitting with the door open. I remember I did go on tour with other comics and they just laughed at me. They said, you put on a suit to go to bed.

Why are you parading around in front of the other comics in your pyjamas? I'm quite happy in my pyjamas. Wasn't it weirder that the other comics are parading around with their dicks in here? Why are you just wearing nothing, weirdos? No, well, no. This is fantastic. Thank you to that young woman for hitting us up. This is great.

So the next Melbourne thing we will do, we release more details as they come along. Will you bring the old set back? Yeah, I will. I'll bring the old set back. So I think we're going to do like a separate stand-up show with that plus a few little other things after the live podcast. It won't be recorded.

Ben, if you had to describe this using only one word, what do you think you'd call it? I think it would be called comedy. Were the jokes different from the ones you do now? They must have been dreamlike, were they? No. No? No.

I was dreaming of a duck sandwich. No, they were just jokes. They were the same things I do now, but much earlier on. Just give us an example. One-liners. Throw them out. No, they were still one-liners. You heard them at the time. I'll have to dig them up.

Wordplay pun stuff. They were not puns. No puns. Anyway. Hey, Dave O'Neill, you brought your books along. I like how you think it's Good Morning Australia or something. You've got your books on the top. Tommy Dazzler wanted to buy some apparently.

I asked him if I could buy one. Your dad must want one, does he? Be a dad thing to buy. Yeah, I've got a book out, Summer of 82. I've had one review on the internet. It's hilarious where people punter as review books. And the woman said, Erica, her name is, my wife found it. I don't want to see that stuff.

For good reasons. Erica says, I thought Davenil was funny until I read his book. It's like he insults everyone. Everyone gets a serve, including the Liberal Party, the Carlton Football Club and the Catholic Church. It's like I've written a hate manifesto. I'm like the uni-bomber. So that's my one review so far.

Wow. And then you've read a comedy book expecting everyone to – you just to be complimenting people for – I know, exactly. Well, speaking of complimenting people, I read the acknowledgements page in the front cover of this just before, Carl. Okay, I remember. Which two people do you think don't get a mention on this?

No, you guys don't get a mention. I'll give you a hint. They are regularly called poofs by the author of the book. No, you guys aren't thanked at all. Oh, Brad Oaks is thanked'll give you a hint. They are regularly called poofs by the author of the book. No, you guys aren't thanked at all. Brad Oaks is thanked. He's a comic. Well, he did help me.

He would read the book. Why wouldn't we be thanked? I wouldn't have been happy to read the book. We didn't do anything at all. Who's Eric? Eric Banner, that is. I didn't want to...

And you've just given him Eric. Oh, well, I didn't... What did he do about the book? To Eric for reminding me of car stuff like the graphic equaliser. That's exactly right. And creating the character of Poida. I don't know. You probably could have just included his last name.

It's pretty obvious. That's not true. Well, I got a bit stuck. Because I was into cars, but I couldn't remember much about them. So I just thought. I started tweeting about it. And Eric kept replying to the tweets about cars because you know

he loves cars are you guys friends or something yeah yeah you're best mates not best mates this is the thing that I always find surprising

that you are good mates with Eric Banner yeah he's an A-lister in Holland why don't you ever get him in here yeah true

I could ask him but he's always I could I will not but I could I see about once a year and he we started out in comedy he started in 1990 you started out in what I could. I will not, but I could. I see about once a year. And we started out in comedy together.

He started in 1990. You started out in what? Comedy. Comedy. We started in 1990. He started probably about a month after I did. So I just met him on the circuit. You know, he lived with his mum and dad in Tullamarine and his grandmother.

Because I ran comedy gigs In the early days You ran what sort of gigs? I can't say it Comedy You have to do it Comedy Gigs And his grandmother

Would answer the phone And she didn't speak English She was German So anyway So he was Yeah he was certainly Kicking around then And so

Was he doing stand up? Yeah yeah he was a good stand up He was a great stand-up. Did he riff? He riffed. I don't know what that means. That's an in-joke. You're doing it right now.

Oh, we're riffing. So, yeah, he – because he worked in a pub. He worked in the Castle Hotel in North Melbourne and they would have comedy there some nights. Comedy. Thank you. We're learning. Peter Fox was a Sydney comic who performed there.

And Eric said, I want to get into comedy. He goes, oh, come and see me. And he was a big stoner, this guy. And he went around to his house. He was having bongs at midday and he's just pulling bongs going, yeah, I'll make three, four grand a week. And Eric just thought, fuck, how much could I make? If this guy's making three grand a week pulling bongs.

So, yeah, he got into comedy basically. And for those outside of comedy with inflation and everything, you know, that rate has gone up and that's pretty. Not much. Yeah, we all make that. Easy. Easy. But yeah, Eric was, and then I.

But then he went into acting. Yeah, so what happened, he He got a He was on full frontal So I think Glenn Robbins saw him Doing stand up And suggested him To the casting person Or whatever

He got on full frontal Then I used to work As a writer with him On full frontal Then I would be Support act When he'd go on tour So he used to go on tour

He'd do stand up And then he'd come out As pointer Yeah but didn't he Didn't he then get into When he got into acting And he got offered The role of Chopper,

didn't you see the script? Yeah, I tried to talk him out of it. We were on tour. Yeah, we were on the classic O'Neill advice. A classic Carl Chandler leading question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I knew he was getting that. That's all right. Yeah, we were on tour in Sydney and he goes, oh, I want you to meet this young director. He's going to direct me in a film about Chopper. And I'm like, Chop that. That's all right. Yeah, we were on tour in Sydney and he goes, oh, I want you to meet this young director.

He's going to direct me in a film about Chopper. And I'm like, Chopper? That guy who writes those books with no ears? He's like, yeah. Boring. And he's showing me photos of him in make-up. I'm like, I don't know, Eric. Why do you want to do a movie about that guy?

You know, like that scumbag. How are you going to hear the other actors if you don't have any ears? Yeah, exactly. And Andrew Dominic came over, the director dude, and he's talking to Eric about this movie. I'm just giving Eric the nah. There's a new sketch show starting up called The Wedge. I reckon you should try and get on that.

Yeah, exactly. Forget this bloody movie shit. Come and support me in West Wyalong. Do 20 minutes. It's $300. Come and do that instead. We've got. Do 20 minutes. It's 300 bucks. Come and do that instead. You've got a footy club on Saturday night, Eric.

What are you worrying about bloody Chopper for, mate? Tell me about a little bit of Chop Chop. Anyway, he put out Chopper and it just went through the roof. And I remember he said he went to the Toronto Film Festival, which was a big international. And he said there were people lining up at his hotel door to meet him and stuff. Like fans or people in the industry? to meet him and stuff so that's amazing like people in the industry producers and stuff

yeah yeah and directors and what's his name who's the director Ranging Made His House the bloke who directed Black Hawk Down Black Hawk Down

who directed Black Hawk Down he's a legend yeah you know Pommy Guy Ranging Made His House so I can only remember

who directed Black Hawk Down. I'll remember in a minute. So in many ways you could say it's kind of good that he didn't listen to you and did Chopper. Yeah, definitely. I mean, he was going to do it anyway. I don't think he listened to my advice, that's for sure. But did he do many acting gigs before that?

Was Chopper the first big gig? He was in The Castle. He played the son-in-law in The Castle. He was Sophie Lee's husband. And, yeah, no, he'd just done years of sketch comedy. And Chopper himself actually suggested Eric for the role. Really? It was his idea.

Yeah, because Eric had done Chopper on full frontal. Oh. Yeah, just in small, like in a small bit part. Right. That makes your advice even funnier. This underworld figure has like, this gangster has like said that he wants you to do a thing. Just ignore him and do the opposite. And so, yeah, chop chop.

Chop chop. Because they were getting actors to audition and stuff and Chopper kept saying to the director, get, you know, Ridley Scott. That was the name of the director who rang Eric at home, Ridley Scott. And so, yeah, get Eric Banner to do it. He'd be good. Get Eric Banner to do it. And you know, these, as we all know, these be good. Get Eric Banner to do it. And, you know, as we all know,

these film directors have got a thing about not using comedians because, you know, none of us – well, I was in the Nugget, sure. But, you know, there should be more comedians in movies in Australia. And so, yeah, they got Eric and then, yeah, everything, you know, it was just amazing. Can I say this? We can always chop this out if you don't want an Indian. Chop, chop.

Chop, chop, chop. We can always Uncle Chop this out. I can't put Eric Banner's mobile number on the air. Right. He'd be very angry about that. Do you have it? Of course I have it. Show it to us right now.

Can we text him right now? What have you got him saved as? Uncle Chop Chop or what? Why? Just Eric. Can I say this? Like I said, you can chop this out If you don't want to Treat this like a pair of ears

If we don't want to Like Chop Chop's ears Give us some sweet advice Like You know Don't be in Chop of the Movie Oh you guys No no no

We I heard this story Not long ago I heard that You spoke of the nugget I heard that The nugget got played As a test screen

In front of a heap of people And then Credits roll, lights go up, Dave O'Neill stands up and went, well, that's not the movie I wrote and walked out. No, I didn't write The Nugget. Well, that's probably a good thing you said. It's a fact.

That sounds like a great story. No, I didn't write The Nugget. No, that was Bill Bennett. So, no, I didn't. I wrote Takeaway. Oh, did you do that? And you and your stupid mate. No, no.

Mate, we might have done it as a joke. Oh, okay. But I don't reckon we... No. By the way, I saw that Takeaway is now on Stan. Are you getting anything for that? No, nothing. Really?

Nothing. But you gave me some sweet advice. I was on a sketch show. Don't be in Chopper. Don't do Chopper number two. We were on a sketch show together. Chopper wasn't that bad. He was

towards the end. You should have given him the advice, don't eat chops. Yeah. You know the chocolate? Chop Chop it out of your diet, mate. No, but we were at a sketch show And Dave comes up to me And goes Hey mate

Enjoy it Just enjoy this It's a ride And I'll tell you what It won't last Thanks Uncle Dave Thank you Well

He wasn't wrong Yeah I remember Stephen Curry Said that to me He said You've got to just enjoy the experience Because who knows What the fuck's going to happen

At the other end It's true It's so true. That's very good advice. Yeah, it's very good advice. That's what I said to Tommy right at the start of this podcast. Just enjoy the experience, man. Can I ask you something, Dave? Last year on my birthday a few of us had lunch. You came along.

You bought me a present. Very nice of you. You bought me a book written by Richard, how do you say his name? A. Warty. Now, did you go out and buy that especially for me Or was that something you just had sitting around? That's a fucking good question It was very weather beaten by the time you handed it over to me And it's not like I've never talked to you about it

It's not like we've had discussions where I've gone Oh, I'm a massive IT crowd fan No, no, you're right That's a really good point I'm trying to remember And it says property of Barney O'Neill, 8 years old On're right. That's a really good point. I'm trying to remember. And it says property of Barney O'Neill, eight years old on the inside. That's a really good question. Did you think it was

Tommy's birthday today and that's why you brought your book along again? That's a really good question. No, I don't reckon I did buy it, especially for you. Neither do I. I reckon I... This is not a good thing. It's a fucking weird book, isn't it? I haven't read it yet. Oh, okay. Oh! I gave it flicked that. This is not a good thing. It's a fucking weird book, isn't it? I haven't read it yet.

Oh, okay. Oh. No. I gave it to someone else. Yeah. Just give it away. That book is like the sisterhood of the travelling pants. It's just making its way, being re-gifted through the generations.

Look, I have a box of books in my car. I don't want to sound unappreciative. I appreciate the gift. I think you're right. But I did look at it And I went You know what Re-gifting things Whatever It's fine

You need to make sure It's in good nick though It needs to look like It's just come from the shop But this is what you do now As a parent Like now with a two year old Every time there's a kid's birthday

You just look at the toys That you got all these presents And you just pick one And re-gift it You don't buy any new presents at all Oh Well yeah My wife's got like a present thing

Where she just keeps Buys shit and puts it there but I think it's new stuff but that book definitely yeah no I don't think

I think I had it in the car I went off I do appreciate this it's great when the guy literally just plucking something off his passenger seat

that was given to him is putting in more effort than anyone else was it wrapped no I bought it I definitely bought that book I bought that book have you read it yeah I've read I've read. I definitely bought that book. I bought that book.

Have you read it? Yeah, I've read a bit of it and just went, oh, fuck. If I could tell me to ask, I'll enjoy this. This is no good. Because he's a funny guy. He's a funny guy, yeah. But that book is, yeah, I don't know. Not for you.

Not for me. I may have bought it very quite near your birthday, like the day beforehand, and not even taken it out of the car. It's weird when comedians write books and it's like you sort of just think it's going to be funny stories and stuff and then there's all this like weird shit in there. Yeah, yeah. Like they're bragging in the opening pages about knowing Eric Banner

and you're like... It's not a brag. It's a surprise you didn't have a picture of him And chop chop Yeah chop chop The summer of 82 when I knew Eric Yeah actually it was the summer of 92 Me and Eric then went and got a coffee And chatted about Pointer

But it is Yeah it's cool You got a book out So you're doing all the promotional rounds Yeah Do a book though Like it's not as glamorous as it sounds No

Like you had to write It's not heaps of money You read this one pretty quickly, though. Oh, yeah, no. It was 82. That's a long fucking time ago. It hasn't been that quick. You didn't start writing in 1982, though, did you?

You've just been sitting on it waiting for the public to be ready. It was a topical book at the time when you started it. Exactly. It's just taken you 30 years. Is this the day the clown cried where it's just been too hot for audiences to handle? When you write a book, it's just a signpost to everyone, you will do gigs for free in libraries.

That's what it says to everyone. You've been plugging on Twitter, like your joker schedule sounds, you were doing a gig at the library down the street here at one point. Northcote, which was great. But the guy in the local bookshop, they sell books there

and at the library events,, he goes, mate, you will get half the amount of people that RSVP because it's a free event. So I get there and there's so many chairs out. I go to the librarian, why are there so many chairs out? And she's like, shh. She goes, we had 120 people, RSVP. And the guy from the bookshop just sitting there goes,

you'll get 60. And he was right. We got 60. Why would you pick to do a comedy gig at a place where you were encouraged to not talk? Comedy. To not talk. Yeah, because you're sick.

You're sick in the head. That's what it is. What? Who else? You did a gig in a library. How did it go? Fantastic. Really?

Yeah, they're great. They're great because the expectations are very low Because I remember doing years ago The Comedy Festival used to do a gig called Comedians Who Write And it was in one of the big halls I'm like the rest of us fucking idiots That just smear shit on the wall

Or those of us that exclusively do You've had a book out I've seen it It had all your gear in it Yeah Me and Tony Martin Found it in a Darwin bookshop This year didn't we

It was What was it called Funny Buggers It was a collection Of other people's jokes Basically Yeah And mine

They did a thing The comic festival Used to do this thing Where comedians Who had put out books Would do this gig Where you'd read out Bits of your book

Yeah And I learnt this lesson So Tom Gleeson gets up He reads stuff out of his book I read stuff out of your book. And I learnt this lesson very... So Tom Gleeson gets up, he reads stuff out of his book. I read stuff out of my book. Rachel Berger, I think, read stuff out of her book. Jeff Green gets on and it's a bit... There's quite a lot of people in the Moulton Town Hall it was. He just goes,

hello everyone, I've written a book, A to Z of Relationships. Throws her on the ground just to stand up. And I'm like, that's... And he smashed it as opposed to all of us who were reading from a book. It's a very different tempo. It's not written to be said out loud necessarily. And so when I did these gigs in libraries,

the people that write them were like amazed. Like, that was amazing. Because they normally get authors up there who can't. Very like solitary kind of profession and not a social one. Reading a book about someone necking themselves or something. It's like, well, this is way funnier than that one. And people probably just get excited to see someone speak loudly in a library. Yeah.

Exactly. But also I've got – all the bookies, I've turned a lot of the bits into stand-up routines. So I just do all that. It's like when you go and see David Sedaris and he's just up there reading out drafts of stories that are going to end up being in books. People are losing their minds. Have you seen him? I have seen him, yeah. I mean, I like it. He's a up there reading out drafts of stories that are going to end up being in books. People are losing their minds.

Have you seen him? I have seen him, yeah. I mean, I like it. He's a great writer. I've been twice. I don't know if I'd go a third time. It was cool to go twice. He's very generous afterwards.

He does a lot of signings and stuff and he's very generous with his time. Mark Twain used to tour. Like, you know, he did Maryborough. And he was like a stand-up. He would just not read stuff. He would tell stories from his books. Didn't you give him advice not to write Maryborough Finn? I said, don't do Huck Finn.

Don't do, don't do, don't do. Oh, man. My family's got a history of people giving bad advice. Oh, really? Yeah, my older brother was in a band in the 70s and this woman came up to our rumpus room to audition and she auditioned and he went, no, you can't sing. He ended up going out with a Marina Pryor.

Oh! Wow. Yeah, my dad dropped us off at a beach concert in 73 or 75. I was really little. And my brother loved this band and dad said, he looked out the window as he drove and went, this band is shit. They will get nowhere. ACDC.

So we have a real history. That's the old Freemason touch. I remember years ago, like when I was doing radio, a guy said, you know what you should do? You should do a podcast. That's going to be the future. I'm just like, nah. Well, there's one piece of good advice anyway.

Okay, come in and do a demo for us for your podcast. G'day, poofs, I'm Dave O nah Well there's one piece of good advice anyway Okay come in and do a demo for us For your podcast G'day poops I'm Dave O'Neill I think we're going to pass on this one But that was like 10 years ago I reckon When this guy was talking about podcasts Which would have been when podcasting started 10 years ago maybe

When the great Ricky Gervais Invented this medium And blessed us all All of us out of work comedians. He had the first popular big comedy one. Oh, okay, right. First what one? Comedy!

There we go. And what was the other one? This American Life. Those were the two big ones, wasn't it? Well, This American Life is just a radio show that they put on. They put on a podcast. Yeah, that's different, isn't it? Absolutely.

Who cares? Why bring it up? Will Anderson, dum-dum. Very similar. Similar standing in the industry. Yeah, very. But yeah, writing a book, so it's, you know, you get to tour around, you get to go and do your little appearances like this.

Like this. This is part of the junket. Promoting it, promoting it. Where do you get your ideas from? I've had that question. I don't know about that. Do you get nervous before you go on? What questions would you get? You know what the funny one is you get your ideas from? I've had that question. I don't know about that. Do you get nervous before you go on? What questions would you get with a…

You know what the funny one is you get at Writers Festival? What's your writing process? And I just go, I just wrote it in front of the TV, which is true. And I go, I hit pause occasionally just to concentrate a little bit. And my manager's like, stop saying you wrote it in front of the TV. What are you supposed to say? Oh, yeah, it's true. It's true, stop saying you wrote it in front of the TV. What are you supposed to say? Oh, yeah, it's true. It's true.

So, you know. How much did they pay you? Yeah, to do the book. Yeah. Well, you get different. I can't believe you're answering this. No, no, no. No way.

Hey, no way, corporate Ben. That's how much I got paid for my book. Really? Yeah. 30 grand? No, I got half that. Yeah, there's different levels of Peter Garrett. You know what's interesting about books is,

so I got under much less than that, but Peter Garrett got 300 grand to write his book. Wow. Yeah, that's what it said in the paper. What is he done? Yeah. Oils. And how many copies do you reckon that sold?

I looked this up the other day. Eddie Garrett's book. Oh, no, books don't sell that many. That's right, 22,000 that sold. That's it. They're 22,000. The book industry, you know, it's not good. It's not healthy.

No offence, Dave, but you fucked it. Oh, no, you know what? You're late. You should have. The good thing about Writing a book about 82 Is that the people in my age Still buy books Yeah that's true

They buy books Yeah It's the younger folk That aren't buying books But yeah Peter Beattie Or it was Peter Beattie Or Campbell Newman

One of the Queensland Premiers Put out a book And it sold 85 Oh really Yeah it was an article about it I tried to find it But 85 copies Great

It would have been Newman Because Peter Beattty is pretty popular. Yeah, I reckon it was Newman. I don't know. Let's talk Queensland politics more. Yeah. Let's go to the Queenslanders. What are they projecting on the numbers for this?

Do you get any idea of that? What do they want? That's a good question. I saw that. Thank you. It went into reprint on the day of publishing because of the demand for it. That's true. Really?

Yeah, it's true. But that just means that – I'm sorry. I just realised how rude that is. I just assumed it was a joke. They don't print a lot to start with. They don't print a lot. They printed 8,000 though, which I reckon that's a lot.

Yeah, sure. How much do you reckon are best salaries in Australia? What makes a best seller, you reckon? 8,000. 10,000. 10,000 is the best seller. How many of those are in your boot at the moment? 50?

47. You're selling these after gigs, though. Yeah, I sell them after gigs now. But that's better than, I think I can say, Greg Fleet put out a book a year ago, and it's like, cool, you just buy, you just get a heap of books. This is how it works when you do a book.

They don't give you books. No, you sell them to you. They sell you books. Cost price. At cost price. So they're all half price, something like that. Yeah, them to you. They sell you books. Cost price. At cost price. Don't they? Or half price, something like that. Yeah, yeah.

So you're much discounted. Half price. Yeah. So then you can then make that profit at your live gigs or whatever. Exactly. So Fleety puts out a book. You can't buy any books at Fleety's gigs because he's like, oh, they didn't give me any books.

Yeah, Fleety, just buy some books. Where am I going to get any money? Well, good question. Oh, yeah, right. From the advance that they gave you for the book. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think to get any money? Well, good question. Oh, yeah, right. From the advance that they gave you for the book. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think he's booked in all right, though. Yeah, he was doing the library tours.

Yeah, he did the library tours and stuff. And questionnaires and he'd do a bit of stand-up and then... Come on, Carl, what have you got? You're formulating something. Fleeting a library, what would happen there? He asked the dictionary for 20 bucks. Yay! Come here! Come here! Just no idea how the dictionary works

Opening it up H for heroin It's not in here It's fucked I don't think he needs to look up that one No so when I did my book Let's call it my book Funny Buggers

Yeah we called it Funny Buggers That was my idea right And then It went out And it Started to get sold And whatever it is And some crazy guy Thought he had

The rights to the name Funny Buggers That's right Yes A guy reckoned That he trademarked The word Funny Buggers

And so tried to sue Penguin Was it an Aussie guy He was an Australian guy Was it Adam Chicken What No Was he an Aussie guy And you go Well he was an Australian guy. Was it Adam Chicken Bun? No. Was he an Aussie

guy? And you go, well, he was an Australian guy. Yeah, well, he's splitting hairs on that one. My point was, of

course he was. As if someone in America is like going, trademarking funny buggers. Over there, that's like saying, you know, humorous

rape. Yeah, okay, right. Yeah, bugger. You're right. Bugger-y. Isn't that what that would mean in America? I assume so. I don't know.

Yeah. Well, you know, the front cover of my book I've got a Devo hat on. I was about to ask that. You reckon Devo are going to come calling? Well, yeah, possibly. Do you have to clear that? Surely that's like a licensed image. It is a licensed thing.

Oh, really? Because, no, we did some research. Well, but also it all falls back on me, not the publishing company. So Devo could sue me. But I said, yeah, big good publicity. Yeah, yeah. Let's go for it. Devo and Elvis as Devo.

That would be awesome. Devo bankrupt one of their biggest fans. Are we not being sued? Are we not, man? But no, because someone tried to make those Devo hats in America. A party shop made them. And Devo sued them successfully to make those Devo hats in America. A party shop made them and Devo sued them successfully to stop them making their hats. Yeah.

This guy tried to sue Penguin that trademarked funny bug as a term. It's like as if you can – you know, you can't trademark the word that. That's like pocket, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I reckon – I was about to say this. I just reckon just thinking about like anything you put out, I reckon there would be some – there'd be people in the world who are just trawling for anything they can find to make money off a quick loss.

Anything you put out, someone would be there going, fucking boom. Well, that's what this guy did. He trademarked the phrase funny buggers and then, so he's obviously a crazy guy with nothing better to do. He hit up Penguin, tried to sue them. Then he did this thing which was not good business for the book. Hit up every conceivable bookshop

and book chain and online publishers saying, I'm currently suing, so you will be part of the lawsuit as well. If you put out this book, you'll be part of it as well. What a tool. Are you sure this wasn't an open market

that you said no to again? Possibly. He sounded as crazy as one of them. Oh, that's terrible. So how did it work? What did you do? Did you have to do anything or does it just get handed on to Penguin and they have to do it?

Yeah, I didn't do anything. I think I got emailed a few times by the guy, but with the CC, like CC borders, CC. So, you know, it hurt them. They went out of business. CC Angus and Robinson, CC readings, all that sort of stuff. So in an attempt to scare them off the book. But, you know, it was like a, you know, not a huge publishing run as well.

But, yeah, it didn't help. No. It didn't help the book. How many did it sell in the end? 45? No. No, no, no. I think it sort of sold out in the way it would have been

one of those things where like it's in airports and it just it looks around christmas and stuff yeah stocking filler no no this is the thing this is literally what happened the they were very nice to me um yeah they were very nice to me penguin and everything the people we dealt with great so i'd go i'm just gonna do this i'm gonna do this and they're like yeah you know what you're doing so i just I was like oh really and I'll just put it in this order you don't have to see it no no no you just do it

and you're a graphic artist by trade so I did all that stuff they let me have my head with everything come to the cover they sent me the the proof of the cover I went here you go and I went

well this is no good this is actually no good this is what's wrong with it it should be more like this and then they come back and go to be honest, that was more being polite, us sending that to you. You have no say with this.

Respectfully, go fuck yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many books have you published? Yeah, but you're a graphic artist. You know what looks good. Graphic design. Just get rid of the funny and bugger off. Yeah, yeah.

Did you do a mock cover of your idea? Go to America and bugger yourself. Yeah, yeah. So you do a mock cover of your idea? Go to America and bugger yourself. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I did mock up something. Humorous. You didn't mock up. I did mock up something that I thought would be more appropriate and they just sort of went, no.

Did that cover look very cheap? It did look like a supermarket book. It looked terrible. Is that what they were getting at? No offence to the Penguin Publishing Corporation, but no good. It was no good. It was terrible. But they came back to me and said,

we did it this way because we're designing it in a way that will appeal to Target and Kmart. It did look like one of those books. Because we want to sell it. Because you know what? People think, oh, you just make a book and it goes into every shop. No, no. Kmart and Target are massive marketers.

They've got to specifically want it. So they've designed it in a way that they thought they would take it. So, yeah, let's make the book look like someone had puked and shit on it because that's what they like at Kmart and Target. You're like a band taking the rude songs off of their albums so that the big chains will sell it. Yeah, so then they brought it to Kmart and Target and they went, that's a shit cover, we're not taking that book

and they didn't sell the book into it. What about Big W, did you get in there? No, that was the big market. That was the other one. They didn't sell the book into it so what about Big W did you get in there no that was the big market that was the other one they didn't sell into any of the big markets my book's in both of them

apparently someone took photos but you're a television personality you know what your name's Dave O'Neill and you didn't call your book funny buggers

and you didn't take a shit on the cover that's why can I ask I know it's not a visual medium but can you give us a bit of description

of what you what you designed because the actual one what is it it's like orange and white and it's not a visual medium, but can you give us a bit of description of what you designed? Yeah, your mock one. What is it? It's like orange and white and it's like there's a microphone just kind of lying down on the couch. Or is it just a picture of you with the microphone wrapped around your arm holding a globe?

No. Was your cover you in your pyjamas? I don't know. I don't remember what I mocked up. It was just a bit more plain or something you should have gone rogue and just

printed off your own ones and gone into all the shops that had it and stuck it over the front the cover that they used was a bit murky kind of yeah

it was terrible it was very muddy and then go into the shops replace the books and then see the other guy who's trying to sue you to trademark take away the books

yeah I think there's even a copy of it on that free bookshelf next to that next to that copy of it on that free bookshelf next to me. Oh, is there? Next to that copy of The Game. Oh, is there? The Game.

You've got The Game up there. I do have it somewhere. The Game's got a good cover. That's why it's sold better than Funny Buggers. The official colour of sex. The guy, I just did the writer's festival and the guy who wrote The Game was there. Oh, really? Really?

Yeah, I didn't meet him, but he's apologising for that. He just walks around apologising to people. Yeah, well, because he's... but he's apologising for that. He just walks around apologising to people. Yeah, well, because he's... Because he meets all these female writers. Classic. He's trying to fuck them. Maggie. Let me ask you this.

What was he wearing? You know who else? A big top hat. Was he doing magic tricks? Have a little beard. But, no, because he's a good... Like, he writes for Rolling Stone. Yeah, yeah.

He's a good journalist, And his book was just like He made millions of them But it's an account of He didn't invent it He's just Reporting on this thing Which now has been Turned into such a

But how often do you Use the game per week? I'm doing it right now You fat piece of shit Now suck my dick He's got me You're talking to the ugly friend. That's what you do.

I've read about it. Who am I? But you know who else was there? This was at the Prison Rise festival. Someone dropped out of the debate and they go, oh, we're going to have to get someone else. We've got a guy called Alexei Sayle. One of my heroes.

Is it a masturbate? Old school English comedian from the young ones. From the young ones. And like, the interesting thing about him was, so he did, when I thought he'd speak, I thought he'd speak like his character. Yeah, he's cocky like that. I'm always weirded out by the fact that you

don't talk like your character in The Nugget. Yeah, that's true. That film that you wrote't talk like your character in The Nugget. Yeah, that's true. It's just me. That film that you wrote. That I didn't write. Hello, John. Hello, John. Got a new motor.

That's how he does his, you know, hello, John. That's a piece of balls. Do you make a model out of that? Anyway, but he's actually, he speaks like one of the Beatles. He's got a Liverpudlian. Oh, right. And he's like, yeah, you know, sort of like that. And he goes, how long have you been doing comedy?

And I'm like 26 years he goes Jesus like he was shocked that I'd done it continually did he ask you this like after watching you perform

because that's part of a burn if so yes he did he did yeah he was amazed at 26 so I've been doing 26 years

so is the book is the book anywhere near the best seller list I don't know about that do you get do you get updates no because it takes ages to to get the figures have you done a signing at readings Is the book anywhere near the bestseller list? I don't know about that. Do you get updates?

No, because it takes ages to get the figures. Have you done a signing at readings? Yeah, done a signing at readings. Yep, yep, definitely did that. Do you write little messages to each individual person? You run out of stuff to say, though. You're trying to think of funny things and, you know, to say. With Funny Buggersers I still get royalty checks oh do you

yeah that say zero every time wow every time I've never got a royalty yeah yeah it's so stupid

I don't know why I get it I've got it I've got so many of them that just say zero why keep sending that to me yeah I don't know I have no idea and I

and there's so there's still like a couple of copies left in the warehouse so every now and then they just send me a list going There's 42 copies left And then I go, cool, that's been five years Can I just have them or have them for nothing?

They're like, nah No, you can buy them for full price Full price? Yeah In the old days they used to sell your books back to you Like they'd pulp them and they'd sell them to you for 20 cents each Yeah I would love it if they pulped your book

We'd have to go down there. Turn it into a live event. And the guy charging the pulping is the guy who wanted to see you. Yeah. There's not that many.

It's like, what are you going to do with 20 copies of Funny Buggers in a giant warehouse? Just give them to me. Yeah. No one's buying them.

I mean, you know how the book industry works on the fact, you know when you go into a bookshop and you go, how do these people make a living

out of this shop? It's because they can send back the stock. So it's not like a fruit shop where you – if you buy fruit at the market, you've got to sell that fruit. But if you buy books from a wholesaler, you can keep it for three months and then send it back. Well, they're all depressed. Bookstores are so depressing now.

They're like Blockbuster before they went out. Like, you know, Blockbuster all of a sudden was like, now we sell – Like candles. Yeah, action figures. Like you go know, Blockbuster all of a sudden was like, now we sell, now we're selling fucking, yeah, action figures. Like you go into Reddings and there's like bobblehead figures and iPhone cases and it's grim. But now the secondhand bookstores are adding the cafe element. Cafe element, you need a cafe. Yeah, it's cool.

I'm in a secondhand bookstore. Remember the days you'd get kicked out for sitting there and reading for too long and now they're like, they need everyone in there. Like, hey, sit here and read the whole fucking book. Have another latte mate for those in the city we're dogging you the pages

we don't give a fuck anymore for those people like readings will always be there though there's still a market for those books I love a bookstore definitely

but all the people who shop at the readings are all the old people who buy your books yeah it's the ones in the outer suburbs that are struggling I upgraded to the

I got an iPad a few years ago for the sole purpose of cutting down on the amount of stuff I had and just getting all – I was like, I'm just going to buy all my books on this from now on. Yeah. I couldn't get into it. I like holding a book. I'm the same.

I can't. So you went back to – I went back to – and then, you know, you get on the plane. Oh, fuck, my books ran out of battery. This is good. No good. It's a step back. What have you got?

Are you on the iBook store? You got Kindle going on? No, and I recorded an audio book too. Oh, yes. I had to read my own book. Fuck yeah. Three days. I had to read my own, three days at all to read my own book.

So that means that someone out there is listening to your book over three days. No. If someone drives from here to Perth, it'll be one book's worth. Yeah, and if you read about a killing spree happening in Perth, you'll know what they listen to. If you're driving over the Nullarborg, take Summer listen to my book. It'll be one book's worth. Yeah, and if you read about a killing spree happening in Perth, you'll know what they listen to. Are you driving over the Nullarborg? Take Summer of 82 with you. While you're listening to it, you're like,

is that the TV in the background? And I do voices and stuff. Give us one of them right now. My wife. My wife. Do you do Eric's voice in the book? Eric's not in the book. I didn't know him in 82.

You don't read the start? That's a good question. Do you not read the start? I think I did read the start. Are you allowed to do any riffing in your book? No, absolutely not. Is there an actual rule? Do they tell you not to go off script?

Yeah, you can't go off script. The guy goes, I even found a typo in there And I said No but that's wrong They put another and in He's like no you've got to read it as is Bullshit Bullshit

So you've got to go You've got to give a bit of and to and Yeah yeah Like and or that that Or something like that But that's wrong That is maybe the best thing I've ever heard Really

I love that that is a rule That is insanity You can't You can't go off script. I'm surprised you didn't say we go to Eric. It's not a script. Isn't there a banner

supposed to be in there? Yeah. Yeah, so I had to listen. Do you have to read the page numbers? Do you have to read everything? You don't have to go ding to turn the page.

Right, right. Well, because this is what I've always wondered about those authors who read their own audio book. First of all, that it must take forever. And so let's say if you make a mistake,

like how far back have you got it? Because it needs to sound like you've done it all in one hit. If you fuck up a sentence, like how far back do you have to get it to start? The guy was saying if you listen to like Tony Blair's book, for example, which is something like 1,200 pages, you can tell... It's the summer of 81. It's the day I've ruined the fucking world. Political. It's so summer of 81. It's the day I've ruined the fucking world. Political.

It's so edgy. Is this the kind of hate speech that's in your book? It's part of my Unibomber manifesto. Oh, wow, hang on. Thank you to Eric and Margaret Thatcher. That's weird. Anyway, you can tell when it's the start of a day because he's got all energetic,

and then by the end of the day, you can hear him starting to... Oh, totally, yeah. Yeah, it starts to drop. What about – because it's a comedy book. Do you ever give a bit of a laugh at something you've said? Oh, yeah, yeah. No.

I did do my dad's voice and stuff. You did your mum's voice? No. Did you do Frank Spencer? Did they give you any – do you get any feedback? Is there someone kind of listening to you? Yeah, but it's a young dude. So if you like try on the dad's voice, does someone like come over the intercom

and go, Dave, let's just – no voice, let's just do it as is? No, no, no, no, no, no. They're young. It's like a real starter entry job. You know what I mean? Because I'm thinking who's going to sit there all day? Because the guys – you know, I do voiceovers occasionally and the guys that do that are a bit old,

like my age and younger, 40s, 50s. Yeah, what's the one you're on at the moment? It always comes on when I have the TV on. Oh, yeah, yeah, members only. Members, members. Yeah, and don't panic, don't hang up or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that really made an impact, didn't it?

Because when I hear that, that's how the Pavlov experience of me, because when I hear that, I feel like I'm at the end, you're finishing your set. Yeah, you're like, what? I'm back on stage. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And with that, the dudes would turn up from the company

and there'd be a different dude every time and he'd go, he comes back, I've been like three sessions to do that voiceover. And it's only like 20 seconds of words And he goes Look we've had a meeting About you And we've decided We don't want

Out of suburban Dave We don't want you In a bogan pub Think gastropub What? Yeah so they want Your voice I go

So less bogan Is what you're saying Talk a bit more like You've paid 40 bucks For a parma Yeah exactly Exactly That's what he said And you're angry. Talk a bit more like you've paid 40 bucks for a Palmer. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's what he said.

And you're angry. Think inner city. Don't think outer suburbs when you do The Voice. All right? Oh, really? And this goes against everything you believe in. Of course. Do a little less, thanks, Eric, and a little bit more, thank you, Eric.

Thanks, Eric. A little less, g'day, poofs. A little more, hello, homosexuals. Yes, yes, yes. A little more, funny buggers. A little less, funny rape. They wanted, a little more hello homosexuals. Yes, yes, yes. A little more funny buggers, a little less funny rape. They wanted less poia and more humorous rape. Humorous rape, thanks. Pizza.

I can tell you. But yeah, there's a young dude listening and then there's someone else who listens to the whole thing and reads the book at the same time and checks word for word. Oh my God. Which is like a kill me. There must be a high turner over that job. Yeah. No one can do that

more than once I reckon. Is that more community service or is that a real job? That's a real job but again it's like a you know it's a level entry. It's like a young guy. He's going to have a teardrop tattoo under his eye. Pick up rubbish off the side of a country road and then

listen to the author reading it out. Because they said to me, look, you can do it or we get an actor to do it. Oh, why didn't you get the actor? I believe I'm available. If only you knew a famous actor. I don't think Eric would do it. You really don't think he'd do it if you called him up and said, hey, I want you to be really funny.

Hang on, Eric who? Eric Estrada from Chips. Hang on, now why am I so salivating? You said Chips. But after me, the next session was Mark Seymour from the Husband Collectors was reading a Steve Walls book

Or some cricketer's book What? I know I'm like So why is he And he went They just wanted like An Aussie sounding voice

And Because the rates Aren't that good To read out other To read out your own book You don't get paid that much You know what I mean You get paid by

What it eventually Ends up being In terms of minutes Not what it takes you to do it Right So if it's 40 minutes, you get paid whatever. So you just talk real slow when you read the book out. Thanks to my Eric.

Eric. That's not in there, mate. That's another minute. Let's do it again. Speaking of you're on a voiceover of an ad at the moment, I'm in an ad at the moment. What ad are you on? For the Jeep. I'm in a Jeep ad. Oh, you're in a Jeepover of an ad at the moment. I'm in an ad at the moment. What ad are you on? For the Jeep.

I'm in a Jeep ad. Oh, you're in a Jeep ad. So I bought a Jeep. I really haven't seen it. I haven't seen an ad with a guy who looks 45 and 30. He's in the background. Not the background. You've got a speaking role.

Are you driving? No, I'm in an office. Which I wear a tie. Yeah, I've seen it. So talk me wear a tie. Yeah, I've seen it. Talk me through what happens. I think I've seen it. You think you have. You saw your mate Tommy Dassler on an ad or you didn't.

I was going to say I think I've seen it as well. Yeah. Go on, talk about what happens in the ad. There's a lady in an office and she's talking about how she went driving in her Jeep on the weekend and she's being very kind of expressive with her hand movements, and me and a mate are on the other side of the room and watching, and we can't hear, and just the way she's describing what's in the car

makes it sound like she's acting out this insane story that's happened to her. So we're going, oh, she saw a bear and she poked it, when really she's just describing the touchscreen. I smell a little bit of... Comedy! Comedy acting! Pretending! Do you get a line in there? I do get a line in there.

The end of the line is I go, I turn to the guy and I go, Sally's wild. Pretty good, right? Is that the only word? I say, I also say I say other stuff. Oh no, it's like the guy goes, she saw a bear. And I go, a bear?

Right. Good stuff. Nailed it. Extremely good stuff. But, I mean, the thing about when I've seen you in stuff is that, yeah, if you're wearing a suit, you just look different. You know what I mean? You look at you and you go, is that Tommy Dasolo?

Well, this is the thing. I was getting dressed. I'm wearing a shirt and tie. He was in character. He becomes a different person. Yeah, it's like Eric doing Chopper. Daniel Day DasDassolo. Did I not tell you to do that part?

I rang you. I said, don't do the part. But I had to wear it. So I'm wearing a tie and it was like a little long and the costume lady was like, you know what? You're sitting down. No, it's a little bit long, but who's going to notice? You know what's been happening non-stop on Twitter

from the fucking people that listen to this show. Oh, are ties so long? I've been bombarded with feedback about how long the tie is. Really? Is it below the belt? I'm sitting down and it's like – and also it's a reflection of how poor my posture is because it wasn't that long standing up. I'm hunched over.

So it's kind of like it's draped right over my package and like onto the desk. Yeah. It looks long but I didn't think anyone would notice that and I've been fucking copying it. Just a lot of female listeners going, get rid of that tie, tell me when we want to see a bit more of that crotch action. Oh, fuck, that's what's on the TV. I'd better stare at the crotch.

This is my one chance. I haven't done a live show here for a while. But anyway, the reason I bring it up is because I was at the pub last night, the Great Northern, if you know that pub, watching the footy. So it was packed. Oh, watching the footy, old sporty Daslo. Yeah, I bring it up is because I was at the pub last night, the Great Northern, if you know that pub, watching the footy. So it was packed. Oh, watching the footy. Old sporty Daslow. Yeah, I love it.

He's right into it like Davey. Who went into it, mate? Right into it. Name a player. Johnny Longmire. Adam Goodes. Adam Goodes. Adam Goodes, yeah.

Say what era. You didn't say what era. Hang on. He hasn't named one yet. Wayne Carey He doesn't play anymore He's a player He's an ex-player

He's played He's an ex-player God I had to do this I had to do this gig Sorry to interrupt The other night With Dane Swan And Dustin

From Richmond Fletcher from Richmond I had to interview them Not Dustin Fletcher from Richmond He used to play for Essendon Oh Dustin Martin Dustin Martin yeah I had to interview them

About footy I don't know that much About footy, let's be honest. Well, you thought one of them was Dustin Fletcher. Yeah, exactly. No, you just retired. Anyway, go on. Anyway, I'm there with a couple of mates and my friend goes, hey, man, just a heads up, your ex is like on the other side of the beaker.

Oh. So we, and we like, I haven't talked to her. I have not seen her for like two years, right? Yeah. And so you haven't literally seen her since she – No. Walked out. Since she walked out the door.

Yeah. Wow. So I saw her last night and you know what? Sounds like a Paul Kelly song. She's back. I told you she'd be back. No, but so I – because it was very crowded and we were like right on one end and she and her friends were like right on the other.

Is she the girl that I know who did teaching at one of my kids' schools? You fucked my ex? It's in the book. It's in the book. 82. Fuck, Eric rooted her too. Jesus. That's what I know though, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, she did teach me at your kid's school. What a lovely person. Did she know? So this is what I'm getting to, right? So I, because I came a bit late, my friend actually texted me when I was on the way and saying, hey, just so you know. Like, cool, whatever.

So I get there and I go. Cool, whatever? Well, yeah, I don't care. What can you do? I would have freaked out. Really? Yeah. I don't care What can you do I would have freaked out Really Yeah I don't care

Or did you get an erection Oh my god I already had one So my friend I say how did you Because she's like on the other side Like how did you How did you even pick her out

And he's like Oh I walked past before And I saw her friend That she's here with That I know But I haven't said I haven't said anything to her yet Who knows if she knows

That you're here right So I'm standing So you don't care You haven't said anything to her yet. Who knows if she knows that you're here, right? So I'm standing. So you don't care. You haven't seen your ex for two years. She broke your heart. She broke your heart. Yeah. And you're walking in going, oh, well, whatever.

Yeah. I don't mind. You would have had butterflies in your stomach. You would have been a bit nervous. What? He just came back from Japan, though. You are a man of stone. You should have hired a high-class escort, mate.

Walked in with her on your arm. Well, so I'm standing there, right, and the whole time I'm sitting there, I'm going, I wonder if she's noticed that I'm over here. I wonder if we're going to interact at any point. And then, you know, everyone's watching the game. I'm sort of thinking this. I'm like, I wonder if she's seen it. I mean, because, you know, her friend has seen my friend.

So there must have been some kind of relaying there of like, Of course, I knew you were there. All of a sudden, guess what comes up on the TV screen? Oh! A certain G-pad that we've just been talking about. And I've got to tell you, it felt fucking great. And then she goes, look at that posture, I'm glad I dumped his ass. Can't even tie a tie properly.

I really did. I cannot tell you how powerful it felt to just, because it did feel like I did. I looked over at their table and she heard her back to me and I was like, again, I mean, maybe I'm, I wonder if this is deliberate, but so I'm there and it did feel like coming up on the screen and knowing that she was watching the game,

just standing on the other side going, yeah, I'm everywhere. I am fucking everywhere So The end of this story Is you didn't talk to her No Oh There were so many moments Oh no I did say something to her

Sally's wild You talked to her Through the TV That sums up All my thoughts About the situation That's all I need to say About the last two years

That's so weird. Why? Did she get a new boyfriend? I don't know. Yes. My friend goes to me, oh, yeah, it's interesting. I added her on Instagram the other day and, yeah, there's photos of her with some new guy on there.

I'm like, why would you tell me any of this? Why would you relate this? If my ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago Was in the same room as me I would freak out Yeah but you're mentally unwell No but I think more people would be like me Than like you

I tell you I mean it's obviously I didn't freak out I mean obviously you start going Okay I'm braced to have an interaction It's probably gonna It's you know Probably gonna happen

But if it does I was just like Well well, who cares? What are you scared of? Totally. What are you scared of? She'll have a kid with her? No, I don't know. I don't know.

But it is weird. You know what? I'd be too scared to sleep with him. I reckon you have a couple of beers and before you know it, you're in bed together. But this is like, you know, the relationship I'm talking about, it's like Tommy Ware, it was a bad ending. It's not like a mutual thing where it's like,

if I saw an ex-girlfriend that ended well, I'd be like, fine. Yeah, that's cool to see. If it was a month after, if it was more recent, then sure. But it's two years now and, you know, I'm... Did she look good? So what have you been doing, Ben? I did this gig. I did this gig I did this gig last year

Meanwhile Lomas' phone's been ringing for the last half hour The baby's arrived It's a boy It's a boy We've called it comedy I thought comedy

was a girl's name but anyway I was thinking about two years ago for a charity out in the bush near the bush and

speaking of bush this actress who was hosting it Sally Iswild what's her name anyway this woman was hosting it this girl

this woman who does acting and she I do the gig and it's in this big hall and she goes, and we've got a bit of a surprise for you, Dave. I'm like, oh, what is it? Your ex-girlfriend Francine's here. I'm like, what?

I know. And so anyway, I'm 51. Relationships. That was 30 years ago. So anyway I meet her She's a lovely girl We have a chat

I meet her husband And blah blah Two years later Last week I'm doing a gig In a similar area And the same woman's Hosting the show That did this gig

And she goes Now Dave's a lovely guy He did a charity For us a few years ago For this thing And I get on the stage And I go Yeah and you surprised me With my ex-girlfriend Francine.

And then this guy yells out, that's my sister you're talking about. Francine's brother was in the crowd. Stop agreeing to these gigs out in that area. I know. Just don't go out there anymore. It's haunting me. So Tommy, you just did your big ad. You got your sweet advertising coin.

Yeah, how much do you have to pay? Cha-ching, yeah. Cha-ching. Can we play higher or lower? Can we play higher or lower? So Tommy, you just did your big ad. You got your sweet advertising coin. Yeah, how much did you have to pay? Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Can we play higher or lower? Can we play higher or lower? 15 grand. No. You had a lot.

I won't say the amount, but let me just say it was enough that I bought a Jeep. Well, that's 46 grand, isn't it? Or 50 grand to buy a Jeep? Yeah. Really? No. Wow. We should talk to Lomas about dad vice.

Get a bit of dad vice. No. So you did that. I like how you... He's just done a campaign. No, but who gives a shit? So you want to really find out. Me, because I want the heat to be taken off me.

No, no, there's no heat. There's no heat at all. No, I'm saying you did your ad. Advertising coins straight away. Bang. Within a week or two weeks, you're in Japan. So you've just come back from Japan. I had that booked in before.

You know what? We've just hit an hour. There's a lot of Japan stuff. I reckon we save it for the next episode. I've got a lot of stuff to talk about. Sizzle that up. Let's save it. All right.

Sure. But obviously the money was quite good. But they say advertising money is not as good as it used to be apparently. So I don't know. Because you talk to some comedians who do ads and they go, yeah, I got sweet money and they tell you the amount and you're like, well, you got ripped off too. I turned down a gambling ad, which was a lot of money.

Yeah, you told me that. You told me the amount and that was a fair bit. It was a fair bit of money. Why did you turn it down? Because I had a mate who was a really bad gambler and we did a whole intervention thing. It was me, Carl. It was me.

But it was that weird thing where I just didn't feel right to go do the gambling ad knowing that he could send him back to... No, you didn't get the part. Here's a question. Would you do... Because I'm obsessed with this. If you're in an ad for something a bit fucked, you get a lot of money.

Like, you get more. Yeah. Do you do a Mac? Is that...? No, no. But, I mean, if it's. Like you get more. Yeah. Do you do a Mac? Is that? No, no. But I mean if it's for like. No. Talking about suicide and stuff.

Not McDonald's. It's pretty fucked. And they're not. They're going, look, we know it's fucked. Yeah. So here's more money. Are you talking like cigarettes or? Like domestic.

If you're one of those guys going, me fucking wife wouldn't shut up so I had to push her down this. Anything where you're all like, like anything sexual health. Or you're playing a pedophile in a TV show. How much do you get for Crime Stoppers? Surely you should get good titles. No, bugger all, bugger all. Oh.

No. But would you be like, I don't know if you saw them a while ago, they had like a, it was like, I think it was for like getting a sexual health checkup and it was at bus stops. Yeah. And it was a photo of a guy and his crutch is like on fire. Yeah, yeah. Would you be that guy if the money was right?

100 grand. Yes. I just did a campaign for bowel cancer. Yeah, but was your face on it? Or were your bowels on it? Did you have to go method and get it? I had to sit on a toilet. It's just you shitting blood.

I just go, oh, God. I just sit on a toilet and I's just you shitting blood. Just go, oh, God. I had to sit on a toilet and I said, I will not drop my trousers. That's my... But the weird thing is... Fuck, imagine that one coming on when you're at the same pub as your ex. Not me more, sweetheart. You're missing that, aren't you, love? What's her name?

What's your ex at the gigs name? Francine. Francine. Francine. Read it and weep. Wow, Dave's wild. You are weeping. The weird thing is when you sit on a toilet,

you just feel like going to the toilet. That was a weird thing. So you're on the toilet. I thought you did a voiceover. You're sitting on a toilet. I'm sitting on a toilet talking to the camera. Or did you just do the voiceover while you were sitting on the toilet? No, I go and I sit on the toilet and I go,

oh, g'day. Hang on. Did you just read this book on the toilet? Is that what you were doing? Did you write any of that book on the shitter? No, I didn't. Maybe. You got paid very, very well for that.

Yeah, not that well because it's a charity though. But yeah, reasonable. Yeah, reasonable. I love it. Yeah, reasonable. But yeah, it's online. They had a massive response to it. They said they want to put it on TV.

Because it's just online but there's another there's another payday there's another payday that's right that's right because I asked I asked this man for advice

about dad advice with the dad advice when I told him how much he was getting paid he just started laughing going you're an idiot

thanks Uncle Dave I like how you've knocked back that gambling and it's not like you're on the ad going, here's how to, you know. Oh, no. Sorry. I've just realised I've got it completely wrong. You're doing an ad for like William.

Sports bet or something. Oh, I thought you meant it was like a preventative thing. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying gambling's awesome. Yeah, but I was thinking, why are you saying no to doing a preventative ad? Because the TAC ones and all those, they're the ones you want. I've been asked to audition for a Sportsbet one

and I've gone and done the audition and nothing happened with it but I was thinking like, I don't know, if you got it, I don't know. If it's something that's morally a little bit questionable, I don't know. Yeah. It depends. Yeah, I'd do gambling but, you know, my parents gamble every day. They love it.. Yeah. It depends. Yeah, I'd do gambling, but, you know, my parents gamble every day.

They love it. I live in a tent. I'd do it. I'd do it. I'd take that money and go straight to the pokies. I think it's irresponsible of you to be out there

promoting bowel cancer. Hi, Dad. Bowel cancer. Oh, Francine. Guys, we've got to wrap this up. That's been the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Any updates, Ben? And if you want to buy my book, you can buy it online at booktopia.com.au. It's an Australian, good Aussie company. Great. The Summer of 82, Dave O'Neill. I've read your previous books, and I mean this sincerely, big fan of them. Yeah, I gave you one of my books. You did.

You got one out of the boot of your car all those years ago. I did. Like your Richard Ayoade booked. Ben Lomas, what do you got coming up that you'd like to plug? I'm taking a break because I'm about to have a child, but then I'll be hitting... But see Ben on the dad voice. There's no dad voice.

That is very good. Yeah, for Beyond Blue. Explain what that is. Chicken Palmer. No, no, we did a web series with Beyond Blue with Dave O'Neill Lawrence Mooney and Sammy J

and it's just me talking to a whole group of dads and yeah they're good they're great it's weird I've had more people

come up to the street and talk to me about that than being on a television show for 8 months that makes no sense well as soon as no one watches that fucking show

yeah that's true two people have come up to you good work well three people anyway but yeah, and if not, yeah, gigs at

BenLomas.com. Great. Cool. You're on Facebook, you're on Twitter. Yes, on Instagram now.

Love my Instagram. Money, dog. Ben Lomas comic. Oh, yeah. Is that what you do?

Yeah, I do. I actually like it. I'm getting involved. That's it. What a waste. It could have been Ben Lomas comedy. Wait for that website.

All right, guys. We've got... What have we got? Adelaide and Perth are on sale. Melbourne at this point? Who knows? You know what? Go to littledumblownclub.com.

We are about to announce Melbourne. If Melbourne's not on sale right now, it will be very, very shortly. So keep an eye for that. That will be November the 12th, Saturday night. It's a Saturday night gig, which means I'm going to wake up in a different postcode. It's going to be a big old night. We've got T-shirts and hoodies and stuff for sale.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all your Little Dumb Dumb Club needs. Guys, thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you! See you, pups. Comedy.