The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 312 - Anne Edmonds & Bart Freebairn

Episode Date: September 28, 2016

Finishing Cereal, Tommy in Japan and Crazy Horse Gold Class. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by comedian Nick Cody. I'm a huge fan of the comedy of Nick Cody. Carl, the only other person in this room right now, what do you think about Nick Cody? Big fan. I've bought tickets to his shows already. Despite them both being in states I don't live in. Yes? What states are those? The state of comedy! He has got two big shows.

Comedy. No. big shows. Comedy. No, but really. Comedy, but seriously. He has got two big shows. He's got one coming up in Adelaide in a week's time if you're hearing this hot off the press. He's got a solo show going on in Adelaide in the Rhino Room at 7 o'clock on Wednesday, October the 5th. That is but 24 hours after we're in Adelaide.

What a coincidence, Tommy Dasolo. It is a weird coincidence. I wonder if he's doing anything else while he's in Adelaide. I wonder if he's getting there early or not. We should check in with him. Anyway, so big old one-hour stand-up special, as they call them these days, Tommy. Yes.

I think Ronnie Chang started this, where he's calling them the comedy special, where it's just like It's a solo show It's your comedy festival show Yeah People used to use the term solo show exclusively Then Ronnie Chang started calling it a special

And people would mock him for it And now everyone just does it themselves Yeah Yeah So go and see Nick Cody's comedy special In Adelaide October the 5th on a Wednesday night Adelaide

I bet you've already sold it out Because you love pre-selling tickets. You fucking love it. It's all you do. And he put the ticket link up ages ago, so you've had heaps of time. So, look, go and see that. It's a great chance for you guys in Adelaide

to have something to fucking do it all, let's be honest. And then what's he got? November, he's doing a big taping at the... Enmore Theatre in Sydney, Thursday, the 17th of November. Sydney, you guys know how to buy your tickets. You've got the internet up there, don't you? So you get onto it. Thursday, 17th of October.

Nick Cody's comedy special. And I'm just learning of this right now. But he's actually calling it Nick Cody What Of It. I cannot believe this. I'm literally... I went to his website. Again, a good plug for nickcody.com. Actually, go to that site website. Again, a good plug for nickcody.com. Actually, go to that site.

It's not there. It's nickcody.com.au. But if you go to nickcody.com. There's a treat for you. It is tickling me endlessly to think of people that are going there to try and buy tickets to what of it and going to nickcody.com instead. You know what someone needs to do? His walkout music for that gig, for his special.

Because if you use someone else's track on your DVD or whatever, you've got to pay them licence. It's a very costly affair. So you're much better off getting your own track made. He's got to get someone to do a dubstep remix of the Ronnie Chang impression of Nick Cody. Oh, really? What of it?

Imagine that, just walking out to that. There's people there who probably haven't seen him before. Just a very confusing thing. There'd be maybe eight people in the audience who know what that is. I like the idea of the narrator, the voiceover, whatever, going. The narrator? Well, I don't know. The guy.

Little golden Cody. Yeah, yeah. The guy going, you know, there's a full Inmore Theatre and there's a voiceover booming Inmore Theatre. Thanks for coming tonight. Guys, please give a big round of applause for the big festival show, Nick Cody. What have I... The big festival show.

I don't know. Have you ever been to a live event? I don't know. The narrator. I love comedy. All right. So keep narrating this ad. What else have we got?

So he's got those two shows on sale. NickCody.com.au. We've been plugging the wrong website too much. We need to remind people where they can actually get the tickets. Hey, why not have both? Hey, what of it? What of it? Comedy.

So go and do that. Do a big road trip between Adelaide and Sydney and see the same show twice for some reason. Why not do that? Narrate the URL of nickcody.com.au into your web browser and get some tickets. Hey, don't worry about the Enmore Theatre. How about just Moore Theatre? You know, go to both.

What about that? What of that? What of that? I like the Enmore Theatre. You know what I like better? The N-word theatre. I like the N-word theatre. You know what I like better?

The N-word theatre. I love the theatre of N-words. N-word obviously meaning Nick Coney. That's the N-word. That's the N-word. meaning Nick Cody. That's the N-word. That's the N-word. Nick Cody. Please, please, you're not allowed to say Nick Cody. You're not allowed to use that N-word, please.

Only Nick can use that word. It's a tribute. It's a tribute to Nick Cody. Oh, God. Please, Tommy, stop coughing. Oh, wow. It's weird that it's us laughing so hard and we're the only two people in this room. Okay, so that's it.

Go check out Nick Cody. As we said before... Fresh off the back of appearing on television's Conan. Oh, yeah. Conan O'Brien. So we are doing a show in Adelaide as well. This is your last warning, Adelaide, you motherfuckers. Yes.

Pick up the fucking pace. Hey, you know what, Adelaide? People have got the tickets. They're going to be in the runner room. You know what? That buys you safety because I'm going to bash every fucking other one of you over there. I'm going to come over to Adelaide. If you don't have a ticket, I'm going to kick your little

hiney. So that's a fucking threat that I'll follow through on. So this is coming up. This is Tuesday. A mere six days away. Us doing stand-up. Tuesday, October the 4th. Yes. It's a big-ass show. It's stand-up.

It's Tommy's stand-up. It's It's my stand up It's the live podcast recording It is three Awesome guests coming over with us Flying We are flying three Let's call them international guests They've all performed overseas They've all been on TV

They're fucking great Well if you're in the audience And you weren't born in this country Then to you They're international guests Yeah Look you know what Australia's this country. Yeah. Then to you, they're international guests. Yeah. Look, you know what?

Australia's a country. They're international guests. So where's that happening? The Rhino Room? The Rhino Room. Hey, I like the Rhino Room. You know what I like even more? Yes.

The Ry-N-word Room. Fuck. So that is 7 o'clock. If you're listening to this hot off the press, it is next week. Yes. Get on. It is. Get your tickets as you're listening to this ad.

Because this ad only goes for another two hours. So you've got plenty of time to get those tickets. So do that, please, guys. You know what? I know we say this every time. But fuck. Jesus. I don't know if I can do this again, Adelaide.

I don't know if I can fucking do this again. This pressure of, you know, we're paying a lot of money to fly guests over and to put them up and whatever. We need you guys to buy tickets. Well, everyone knows that it doesn't cost a lot of money to go to Adelaide. Well, hotels are in Adelaide. It's costing some money. Yeah. It's costing some money.

It's costing enough. Yeah. Yeah, so anyway, get on to it. Perth, get on to that. October 30th. Sunday. Sunday afternoon going into the night. We have changed locations.

People that have bought tickets, there's plenty of you that have bought tickets already. Just so you know, we will send an email to confirm this, but we have changed locations. We are at Rosie O'Grady's in Northbridge. That's where we were two years ago when we did an episode with Luke McGregor and Ann Edmonds and Mike Goldstein. So if you were there two years ago, that is the venue we're going to. We have changed back to that venue because the other venue couldn't accommodate us that we had locked in. So it is Rosie O'Grady's in Northbridge. It's a great venue.

It's in a great part of town. Lots going on. So that is where we are going. Please do not go to the other venue. But again, we've got three great special guests, three of our favourites again. Rosie O'Grady's is a pretty good name for a venue, but you know what a certain guest who's on this show sometimes

would prefer it to be called? Yes. Rosie O'Gravy's. Please, please only say that when he's here. That is not cool to insult someone like that When they're not even here to reply Alright That is not

I like to have a certain sense of decorum about us And you have stepped over the line Tommy He likes to have a certain case of decorum I don't get that You said decorum Yeah I said cake-orum Oh cake-orum

Alright Like fat people eat Okay I get that. Okay, I'll let that one slide. So do that. Then Melbourne. Hey, as we talked about last week, and if you're on the social medias,

like we said, get on our Facebook, our Instagram, our Twitter. You'll already know. We've already sold a bunch of tickets. Melbourne, we're coming back. We're returning to Melbourne. A triumphant return. Direct from Melbourne, Australia. Yeah, yeah.

We're travelling. We're getting on the tram and we Melbourne, Australia. Yeah, yeah. We're travelling. We're getting on the tram and we're coming to the show. Yeah. We are doing a big double episode. We've never done this in Melbourne before. When we go to interstate, we always put on three-hour shows and stuff. We've never done a double episode or a longer show in Melbourne. So we are doing a back-to-back double episode.

You can only come to both episodes because we can't be fuck-figuring at how you would buy them individually and get people in and out. I'm glad we're having complete transparency about this. That's the reason. Well, it is. How the fuck would we do it? It's too hard to, yeah. Yeah, so we're doing that.

Plus, as we said, we've got an unrecorded little fucked up stand-up show afterwards where we have Bogan Baby appearing. We have Gary Chook appearing. Yeah. We have the PJs. PJ O'Brien appearing. The PJs are returning. I'm bringing back my original pyjama set.

We have official Peter Alexander merchandise. I'm being dressed by Peter Alexander for the night. And there's plenty other guests. There's plenty other fucked up stand-up happening with that. It's none of the stand-up that you know us. You haven't seen it before, basically, have you? Yeah, that's true of our normal stand-up anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what else is that? There is... So all those tickets and dates and stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com if people want to purchase them. Yeah, or nickcody.com. Go there. Ask for tickets. Let's try and get...

Look, we'll say it's not... Nickcody.com, it's not for the Nick Cody that you all know andody.com. Go there. Ask for tickets. Let's try and get... Look, we'll say it's not... Nickcody.com, it's not for the Nick Cody that you all know and love. No. It's a different Nick Cody. Yeah. Let's try and get that guy on this show. No. Okay.

So there's that. What else we got? We got merch. Hey, hit up... While you're at littledunmanclub.com, we've got a limited amount of hoodies left. We've got a limited amount of 0438 t-shirts left. Yes. We have got the I'm Aware of Little Dun amount of 0438 t-shirts left. Yes. We have got the

I'm Aware of Little Dungeon Club classic black t-shirts that never go out of fashion. Man, we sold a lot of them. So keep that going. What if we woke up one day and they had gone out of fashion? White and black? I don't think that would ever happen. What if what was going on on the catwalks of Milan? Yeah.

Fuck, imagine the catwalks of the Milan we know. Just models that are pissed falling off the catwalks of the Milan we know Just Just models that are pissed Falling off the catwalks Just skinny 40 kilo French models That are doing shots And someone's screaming

At them Best night ever This is what's going to be happening With fashion in the next year Prove it Prove it So all that's happening. And of course, Patreon.

This is the way that you guys thank us for doing our little sweet episodes. We have a little thing called patreon.com slash little dum-dum club where you guys chuck in money that you think the episodes and we are worth and we give you bonus little gifts. We do for $5 a month or more. We give you our little Haymates magazine do for $5 a month or more we give you our little Hey Mates magazine that we put heaps of time into. There are excellent exclusive

illustrations from young Tommy Daslow. Yes. There is sweet premium content and it's a fucking great magazine. I'm actually proud of it. Yeah. I hate doing it at the time and then when you send me the final one I'm like, oh this looks great. This is worth it. Yeah. So that's great and then of course $10 or more, you get that.

Plus you get a bonus episode every month that we try and make a little special, a little cool, funny, full episode. Last month, of course, I hope you all appreciated, you got the exclusive edited highlights of the actual roast of me at the 40th birthday spectacular. So I hope everyone enjoyed how brutal that was. I was too scared to listen back to it. I really regret not doing it now because I had to edit it

listening back to it, then I got in the mindset I edited it while I was in Japan and I was walking around I just came up with all these fucking great ones in my head, I was like fuck yeah, well we'll do it so now it's a few months too late here we go, you sir are a cunt yeah

wow you really got inspiration over in Japan didn't you and of course part of the deal is if you subscribe to us on Patreon Yeah! Wow, you really got inspiration over in Japan, didn't you? And of course, part of the deal is if you subscribe to us on Patreon, we give you a little shout-out in our long-ass introduction to the episode. We read your name out. We say thanks. Yep. And then we… We bully you.

Put a bit of gravy on it. And you know what? We had a request this week. We've always got guests on the show, obviously. We had a first ever request for a guest for the Patreon read. Because it's becoming... It's the hottest thing in Australia. It's trending on Twitter.

A lot of people are talking about it. It's getting a lot of news limited articles about it. It's a hot topic on the street. Pauline Hanson's been talking about it. It's almost getting more coverage than a new blackface scandal. And in many ways, it's more offensive than that. It's more offensive than the N-word theatre. That's the best thing I've ever said.

That was so good. It is very good. So, hey, welcome our very first guest to the Patreon element of this show, Dilraba Jaisingha. Hello, guys. What are the chances? I was just walking past Tommy's lounge room and then turns out you're doing the Patreon show.

And you heard... Nice to be here. You looked up in the sky and you saw the comedy signal. Yeah, well, to be honest, I really wanted to be part of this because you know what, guys? With the Patreon reading, I realised that I love Riffy. The way you said that before, you were joking, but I didn't get told by Carl that you were planning to come past.

So literally that's what's happened. We finished the episode that people are about to hear. We're out on my front porch saying goodbye. There's just a brown man running up and down going, Riffy. No, no, no, you weren't running. I got a glass of water in my hand. It starts shaking like in Jurassic Park. Jurassic Fat Park.

I think people weren't happy that the last couple of times that the ads have been going for half an hour. So let's jump in. Let's get another voice in the mix. Yeah, let's try and thin this out with Dilruch Jaisinga I was a bit sort of on the fence about it I was like worried Like I don't want to piss people off

But after last week I'm with you Carl Fuck them Let's just make these go for longer and longer We don't want as much content Alright here we go The first official one. Hey, thank you to everyone, but especially thank you to Patreon subscribers.

Tara Bell. Tara Bell. Does that name ring her own name? Well, it sounds like Taco Bell, so someone over here is a rat. I couldn't speak because my erection got in the way of the microphone. Your bell end was over the microphone. There you go, Tara Bellend. Tara Bellend.

Fucking hell. Oh, no. Thanks, Tara. My bellend is covered with tar. You know what? Let's just get rid of it. Let's make this the podcast. People just keep paying money to hear their names.

And by the way that is part of what we're going to do with the Fucked Up Stand-Up Show. There will be a live Patreon read. There will be a live Patreon read. That's the headliner I reckon. I think I might bring out a character that I once debuted on the Fancy Boy Comedy Showcase

a character called Bollywood Bill from India. Which I did write some gags for, so I'll do that again. And the first draft of that name, wasn't it Curry Humphreys? Curry Humphreys. That was the first draft, yes. With performing his character Dame India.

The second part wasn't added. That's a good riff by you. Actually, last time I introduced Carl Chandler at Spleen, I was hosting and I introduced Carl as, ladies and gentlemen, this next man loves riffing. Please welcome to the stage the riff king. Rene Riff King. That's what I said.

I love you, Carl. I called him Riff Tannen from Call Back to the Future. I love you, Carl. I called him Rift Tannen from Call Back to the Future. But then Dill was wearing exactly what he's wearing now, this big leather jacket, right? On stage, man. Leather jackets in comedy.

I don't know about that. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eddie Murphy. You were wrong. Yeah, right. Well, he wanted me to intro him as... What is it again? Andrew. Andrew Rice Clay.

Can someone do a poster of Riff Tannen from Call Back to the Future for me? Yes. That would make me very happy. Wow, it's about 20 minutes in and we've read one name, so this is going spectacularly. Thank you to Samuel Chappell. Chappell. Chappell.

El Chappell. I'll go to the chapel and pray and thank you for your patronage. Very good. Certainly I've never been to your last name, Samuel. And while I'm in the chapel, I get fingered by a priest. There you go. That's no good. Wait, you've never been to a chapel?

You've never been in a church? Yeah, I have. Does your skin burn up as soon as you walk in? Yeah, yeah. No, I just got all these neck pains from my head swivelling around violently. The power of cunt compels you. That's great. So your body is able to do that.

Your head's able to just swivel around 360 degrees, but it still gives you pain. It's not easy. What, do you think that's going to feel good? God. Thanks. Anyway, thanks, Samuel. Thank you to Jack Tibbs.

Tibbsy. Jack what? I've just read his email. It's actually got Tibbsy in the email. Oh, right. That's good. Jack what? Jack Tibbs. Jack what? Jack Tibs

Jack Tibs Tibs Tibs Yeah I like that Did you ever read about Jack Tibs In Charles Dickens Great Expectations?

I did not No he's not in there I have not read that book It sounds like a name That should be in a Charles Dickens You ever read Biggles? Well Oliver Twist Oliver Twist had Charlie Bates

Who was fondly referred to as Master Bates Oh yeah yeah right Oh yeah And we've got Oliver Twisties over here or liver in a twisty we've got

great scrambled eggs expectations over here that is such a strange Right Scrambling Scrambling

Christmas Carol Sausage Roll What's another one of his books? Quick That's the only three that I know I think That's a show David Copperfield Was that one of his? Yeah, yeah

David Oh no I don't know I don't know Anyway Thanks Tibsy Thanks Jack Good on you Tibsy

Jack Tib's got the same first name As a previous sponsor Jack My Tiny Dick Oh yeah Yeah You related to the two Jacks That's why I kept asking Jack who At the start of that Jack Tibbs got the same first name as a previous sponsor, Jack My Tiny Dick. You related to the other two Jacks? That's why I kept asking Jack who at the start of that. Oh, okay.

Sorry. Thank you, Tibbsy. Thank you to Richard Henderson. Hendo. Dick Hendo. Yeah, Dick Hendo. Dick H. Dick H.

Thanks to the great Dick H. Good on you, Dicky. Yeah. He's got a... Because when it comes up with their names, they also have their email addresses come up on the little spreadsheet that I've got. He's got a bit of an AOL email.

He's got a such and such at AOL.com. From a bloke who's still with Yahoo. Yeah. That's interesting. Fair enough. I think I've never met someone with an AOL. Do you want me to read out your email address? 0437 at…

No, that's not it. That means that this person is probably American. He is, actually. Now that I think of it, he is. Looking at his name, Richard Henderson does ring a bell. Tara Bell. Tara Bell-in. He is active on the socials.

He's always saying, hey, you should send us Moose to America or you should come and do a live show in America, both of which are very not feasible. But thanks Hendo for your sweet Dickie H. Also, get on the... You know what his pick up line would be? He'd be like, how about you get on the H?

Yeah? Why? As in heroin? Yeah, but that's like... That's also the first letter of his last name. I mean, anytime I'm trying to pick up chicks I make sure the line exclusively relates to my name in some way Yeah Well, you've got the game, I'm sure that's in there

Which last name do you go with, Dazzler or Olson? Well, that's the great thing, I've got the choice You want a bit of the D or a bit of the A? Yeah That's good, now you're thinking Anyway, thanks Dickie H Oh interesting name Here we go

Thank you to August James And I do have that In the right order This person's name is August James I wonder when He or she was born

I'll look that up I'll email them right now In which month Oh it's September now as well So do you think August is depressed right now Because their month is over Oh no Because you'd cop so much Of it during August It as well. So do you think August is depressed right now because their month is over? Oh, no, because you'd cop so much of it during August.

Okay, do you want to know what my – assuming if – is this a guy or a girl? Assuming it was a girl. It would be a girl. Assuming it was the gender that I personally am sexually attracted to. Whoa, big call. Is that the first time you've mentioned that on the podcast? This is very brave what's happening right now Is that a bit of a newsflash?

Yeah, if you've got this far into the ad You've just been rewarded Here's what I would use as a pick up line I was born in the month of August How about I get inside the pussy of August? That's what you would say to August. Yeah, it's in the game. It's true.

My birthday's in August. It's true. Just to confirm, you are single, yeah? I like it, but I don't get it. No shit you don't get it. Look at you. I'm kidding. It felt like it needed just a little extra more and then I went too harsh.

Like you at a buffet. Little harsh. Little harsh brown. Oh, there we go. If I knew August James, you know what I'd call her? August Jimmy. Nice. That's a good nickname.

Because you only have nicknames with your first name. You abbreviate the first name like that. Why can't you do it with the last name? James is Jimmy. Do you reckon anyone calls them eight? Because the eighth month? Oh. Hey, call me eight.

It's pretty cool, right? Why don't you... Do you reckon she would ever have sex with a bloke called September just to make sure she came first? Yay! Nice. Yes. Do we know that it's a girl?

No, we don't. We have no idea. No, we don't. We don't at all. I'm going to love it if it's like this is a fuck-up, they've read the form wrong and it actually is James August. That seems way more likely to me. I kind of hope it is because it would be way less offensive.

Augustus is a male's name. True. Yeah, well, coming from a bloke who looks like Augustus Gloop, you should know. I'm going. All right, all right. Let's do a couple more. Let's do a couple more Let's do a couple more

Yeah Thank you to The much more Traditionally named Thomas Stevens Oh Old two first names Yes

Old TS Elliot Yeah So he's going He's going by Thomas Yeah You don't say that that often No Thomas

Thomas Stevens Two first names Right there Stephen Thomas Thomas Stevens If you read his name there. Stephen Thomas, Thomas Stevens. If you read his name out at roll call, wouldn't sound out of place. Very multi-purpose name. Unlike August.

James August. There's no way it's not James August. No, it could be James. James is the last name. Sure, but I know which one I think is more likely. Yeah, sure. Because also that option involves Carl having read it wrong in some way. Yeah, which I like.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm looking at their email address. I don't give it away because they've got one of those weird... My first name is james at gmail.com. Yeah, you'd never know. How do you read into that? No, no, no. Well, I won't say who they're through, but their email,

August James' email is Life in a can at something Life in a can Life in a can I mean What does that mean? I can't actually decipher it Is it based on something? Like a pop culture reference?

It must be a lyric or something Yeah Well, this is a new quirk of the Patreon Just trying to decipher people's emails. It's like reading tea leaves. Yeah. So anyway, back to Thomas Stevens. Thanks, Stevo.

Thanks for all your sweet cash, Tomo. Tomo Stevo. Oh, double nickname, Tomo Stevo. Thanks, Tomo. All right, let's do, what, two more? Two quick mores. Let's go with, thank you to Elise Condon. Oh, jeez.

What can we do with Condon? I don't know. I just hope she's safe out there. I hope she's doing some safe patroning. Before she donates, she wraps it. I wonder if she's using her plastic to donate to us via card. Cook your meat properly. You don't want to go in raw.

That's no good. Yeah, exactly. Just, you know, hey, enough name calling. She's rubber, I'm glue. I mean, it's still, we're getting near summer, but it's still, there can be a few chilly days. Wear a jacket. Don't go out bareback.

I come inside a dinger. Yeah. I come inside a dinger. We've never been this good. This is so great. Elise, please let them know if condom has ever come back to haunt you. I'm sure going through high school. We're the first ones. Yeah, whoever.

Or at least Durexie. Durexie's Midnight Larranas. Okay, who's next? Johnny Pullout. Steven Snippy. Yeah, big final shout out to... Rodney on my tits. Erica Jaculat, thank you. Is she related to Nelson or AIDS?

One more final shout out to Up. First name Up, last name The Bum, no babies. Thanks, Up. Oh, that's pretty funny. Like the Pixar film. Yeah. Tying balloons to your house and flying away. You fucking idiot.

Got him. Got him. Sorry, Up. We take it back, Up. Please, please keep. Please continue, Up. Please keep giving us your money, Up. Yeah.

Mr. Bum No Babies. Mr. The Bum No Babies. Why would you call your kid up? They're destined for bullying. Were they not thinking? Why didn't you call him August? So you could be August The Bum No Babies. That would be much better.

Oh, fuck. Well, thanks, guys. August the bum no babies That would be much better Well thanks guys Thanks everybody who's kicked in Oh god What a lot of fun You guys Thanks for coming in To your first time On the Patreon spot It was exactly how I hoped it would

We're going to do this again Any comics who listen to this If you want to come in And do a Patreon read with us, hit us up. What do you reckon? This makes it easier. Thank you, Patreons,

for bringing us such joy. Are we now doing two to three shows within one show? What are we fucking doing? Oh, shit. All right. All right.

So, littledumbdumbclub.com, all those tickets to those live shows coming up, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne. If you want to jump on the Patreon and chip in and get sweet bonus content. Sweet, sweet, yeah, if you want a bit of internet. Riffing! If you want a bit of riffing, bullying.

Bullying! If you want to go back to what it was like in grade three, please, please give us money. Childhood counselling! Give us, literally this to what it was like in grade three, please, please give us money. Childhood counselling. Literally, this is what it is now. Give us your lunch money and we will bully you. Yeah, we flipped the order of how it used to happen at my school. Guys, check all that out. If you don't give us your money, we will not bully you.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets, Patreon links, merch, all that kind of stuff. Enjoy this week's episode with Bart Freeban and Anne Edmonds. Hello. Come on in. Griffey. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. You've forgotten your little content machine this morning, your little laptop that's got all your little secret notes for the podcast. Yeah, that always comes up on the podcast. No, it doesn't. I don't think this really matters, Tommy.

I think you've chased a wrong lead. Really? It's all in the memory bank. You're all ready to go? It's always in the podcast. No, it doesn't. I don't think this really matters, Tommy. I think you've chased a wrong lead here. Really? It's all in the memory bank. You're all ready to go? It's always in the memory bank. Okay. Okay. Well, what about this?

We got asked, a lady emailed us during the week asking us if we would wish a happy 33rd wedding anniversary to her husband. Oh, are we doing this? And she'll pay us 50 bucks. Oh, really? Will we do it? Okay. Do we want to do it? It could be anyone. Should we read the name out? All right. All right really? Will we do it? Okay. Do we want to do it?

It could be anyone. Should we read the name out? All right. Because once we do that, it's binding. She has to pay us 50 bucks. Okay. Is it Ronnie Chang? To Ronnie Chang.

Happy anniversary, Jeff, from Tracy. Cha-ching. There you go. They normally go away for their anniversary, but bad stuff keeps happening to them when they travel And you'd swear they were jinxed, according to her And so she thought this is a better alternative Than going on a holiday

It's just getting a podcast to shout him out Wow, so anyway, if you're just tuning in Welcome to the Royal Melbourne Children's Hospital Appeal If you donate $75, we'll both kill ourselves Yes, well she said $50 And she said, use it to go buy yourselves a drink or something or just do whatever you want with it.

I don't mind. Which is extremely generous of her, I think you'll have to admit. Should we use that on our anniversary? Of this podcast? Let's get a really, really, really bad hotel room and shack up for the night. Yeah, let's share a bed in a backpack for a night. Yeah, let's share a bunk.

Let's do it. Okay. Let's share a bed in a backpack Let's share a bunk Let's do it Okay Let's welcome our guests into the show First of all You know him from his other podcast Well his podcast We Are Not Doctors Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club Bart Freebear

Hey I feel so good to be here What would you do with 50 If I gave you 50 bucks right now What would you do with it? I'd shelve it probably Because the pressure in my butt had turned it into a diamond. Oh, that's pretty good.

And then I'd use that to marry somebody. You're an anal... An anal... Fuck, I wish I... An anal alchemist. An anal alchemist, yeah. Yeah, that's right. We are all kind of anal alchemists because we turn food into shit.

Yeah, well, that's reverse, but yeah, sort of. If you think shit's gold, sure, but it's not actually. No. Comedy-wise, I think shit's gold. If you're a plant, then shit's real good business. Yeah. Because it's gold for you. Also joining us, you'll know her from Have You Been Paying Attention.

Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Anne Edmonds. Hey, I'm back. Yeah, it's good to be back. Eddie. Buddy, it feels like science week in here. 50 bucks right now. What are you doing with it? I just get up the bloody Woolworths and I've got a few things I need like icing.

You need icing? Yeah. I'm making my niece a Shopkins cake. Oh, yeah. What's a Shopkins cake? They're these little pieces of shit that live on the floor. That's cockroaches. You're making a cockroach cake. No, they're these little, I don't know, they're like little pieces of shit that live on the floor. Hey. That's cockroaches. You're making a cockroach cake.

No, they're these little, I don't know, they're like little pieces of food and you collect them all. The kids are mad for it. Oh, it's a kid's toy thing, right? It's a kid's toy. I thought it was like a brand of food that we'd never heard of. No, no, no. It's a kid's toy and I'm replicating one of the toys into a cake.

I love it. So she can eat it. Yeah. You've become a real, you're really into the baking, into the cooking. I love baking, yeah. Is this a recent thing Or is this just a No I always baked Like since I was a kid

But It's good for my Yeah I like it It's good for my mental health What's the biggest cake You've ever baked What's the most famous cake You've ever made

How fast have you ever baked I make The one I'm making at the moment It's pretty big It's a double Yeah Like two on top of each other So two

Like two stories Two stories yeah I bake two Double decker a double. Yeah. Two on top of each other. So like two stories? Two stories, yeah. Double decker. Double decker, yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah, I need a bit of height. Well, I think you'd be familiar with this. We were talking about this the other week on the show

and we got a lot of feedback from it. We were talking about Junket, a product that I had never heard of and the text lines lit up with people sharing their Junket memories. Did you get fed Junket as a child? Yeah, I know what junket is. I'm trying to remember. Is it sort of custard related? It's in the genre.

It's the custard genre. I remember it. I've got a product that you might be interested in. Oh, yes, go on. In the custard genre. Yes. Close your eyes. Don't get on the cake.

Oh, I've junketed on Carl. What a junket Do you add water Hot water to something Yeah yeah Something like that It's like It's a bygone era dessert Yeah I know it

Anything where The only steps are Sashay And water No good Really I'm going to say Really jelly

Because I get fascinated In that island supermarket Where you've got that whole That whole Branch of that stuff, of those little packets where it's $1 to $1.50 and it's like, it's an instant meal right here. Just chuck this on top of your meat. I'm like, oh, wow.

It looks so good. It's a science dessert, really. It looks so good but then you look at it and go, you can't pay $1.50 and have a great meal. Yeah. That's not going to work. You've got to have meat have a great meal. Yeah. That's not going to work, is it? You've got to have meat to chuck it on.

Yeah. It's like how McCain are always trying to turn around and convince you that their pizzas are getting slowly better. Nah. And it's like, they're $3 and they're in the freezer. It doesn't need to be any better. Nah, that's what it is. It's fine for what it is, but they're always like,

nah, we're using real chook now. Yeah. Great. Good on you. Have you tried it though? Yeah, that's what I was going to say because back in the day I would get that stuff and go, oh yeah, I'll get a $2 pizza or whatever. It can't be that bad.

Oh, fuck it is. But now I haven't seen the equivalent. Has it gotten any better? How can it? Like what can they be doing? I was pretty fucking bad back then. Like it was sort of pretty cardboardy with a couple of bits of- It can only get better, can't it?

Yeah. It's pretty wet from my memory. I love a wet food though. I do love a wet food. A wet pizza? You like a bit of wet pizza? I like a wet sandwich. Do you?

Yeah. One that's been in with a primer in your lunchbox. It's got juicy wetness to it. I like wet chips. Like hot, hot ones wet or crisp scum wet. No, no, not soggy barbecues. The soggy biscuit. No.

I like when you get those hot chips that have been in not enough air or whatever it is and they've gone all soggy. Oh, the best. They're the best chips. We need to do like a dum-dum digustation night where we have junket, we have a McCain's pizza, we have wet chips. Wet chips out of a juicy arsehole. Number one best food.

Who knew that was going to happen? Am I right, guys? Nostalgia. Call in. 1-800. Who remembers when you were a kid and your dad had pulled chips out of his arsehole? Yeah. I was talking to someone the other day about when I was a kid and Fruit Loops always had

the best ads on TV for children. Oh, yeah. They're always like a little – the bird's going on adventures and it's very colourful and you get sucked in. Do they have a teak – what's that bird? It's a toucan. Toucan. Teacan.

Toucan, Sam. Teacap, Sam. And I would always go – I'd always see the ads and go, I want Froot Loops. This is what I'm – mum and dad, I've got an announcement. This is what I'm doing for breakfast from here on out. It's Fruit Loops every day. And Dad would always go, no, no, no, we go through this every six months.

You see the ads, you get excited, we get the Fruit Loops and then you don't... You have one bowl and you don't touch them again because they're shit. Your dad's a bit homophobic. My son, my only son wants Fruit Loops every day of his life. Dad, I want to suck off the toucan on the Fruit Loops ad and there's nothing

you can do about it. This is what we get for feeding him junkies when he was young. But yeah, and then eventually mum would cave at the supermarket. Mum was a bit of a softer touch than dad. Your mum was soft to touch? I knew as that was

coming out of my mouth. Oh, it looks like he doesn't want Froot Loops anymore. But yeah, we'd get the Froot Loops. I'd have one bowl of them and then, you know, they're shit. They're the worst cereal. So much sugar. And then they would just sit in the pantry for like months until Dad would go, I'm going to feed these to the birds

and not even the birds would touch them. Oh, not even the toucans? Not even the toucans. Ironic, right? Wow, that's false advertising. I wonder if they've gotten any better. Froot Loops were always, they were so shit. Did you call your cupboard at home a pantry for food?

Yeah. Righto. Is that a bit la-di-da? Ooh, la-la. Is that a bit la-di-da, is it? This is when Tommy lived on the French Riviera, by the way. What? Is this really a thing?

Yeah. What do you call it? Cupboard. Food hole. The bin. You know what I did this morning? Talking of cereal Ate over a bin? Oh no

This is the one morning where I didn't It's a very good way to eat It's good because that's what I do Eating over the toilet is probably better I believe last time you got grilled about this on the podcast Was perhaps by Adam Richard You were like I don't eat over the bin He loves it

As soon as Bart goes, it's pretty good. You flipped and you went, yeah, it's great, isn't it? I do it. I'm Carl Chandler. Yeah, sure. Wet chips have an arsehole. Eat over the bin. They're just going to end up there anyway.

Cut me at the middle, man. Just get your food and just throw it into the bin. Eat your food out of your own arsehole. It's just going to end up there eventually. Cycle of life, mate. Haven't you watched Lion King? Haven't you watched Human Centipede? So I got through my cereal cupboard this morning.

You know, do you do this? Wait, wait, wait. I'm getting shit. You've got a cupboard for cereal specifically. Yeah, exactly. I'm getting shit for being la-di-da. You've got a whole cupboard for it. It's the bottom shelf is where all the all the cereal goes. Then you call the

cereal cupboard. Well, I called it in that sentence. But I'll do it from now on. So, do you have that thing where you collect like, where you'll have a heap of cereal boxes that you don't get through? Yeah. Got through them all. Cleaned it out this morning. That's it. Hang on a minute. How many, did you just go, I'm going to have a bowl out of all of these?

I didn't have ten breakfasts this morning. Because you were about 15 minutes late to this. We were just sitting at home eating cereal. I've got to have a bowl out of all of these? I didn't have ten breakfasts this morning. Yeah, because you were about 15 minutes late to this. We were just sitting at home eating cereal. I've got to have something to talk about. I'm going to eat eight bowls of shit. Oh, fuck, I've left the laptop at home. How am I going to remember all the cereals I ate? Let's fill up the mop bucket.

How many litres of milk we got? Five? That'll have to do. We'll use a wooden spoon. No, it's been filling up and I was like, you know what, I'm going to get through it. Today, today's the day where I chucked at the last box. I am sans cereal. Did you,

I know what's going to happen. You're going to forget to buy new ones today. Of course I am. You'll wake up in the morning and go hungry until lunchtime. And then I'm going to go and buy chips from KFC for breakfast. So you eat cereals, your standard breakfast every day? Yes.

You don't go for toast or? Off bread. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no bread. Trying to drop a few kgs. Cereal is in the bread family. Yeah, but it's not directly. You know, it's a second cousin or something.

He's worked out all the angles. Don't try and pin him down. Well, don't try and tell me that a fucking Cocoa Pop is a loaf of bread. I don't like it when people say this. Pies are in the bread. No, they're fucking not. Well, it does come down to just calories, right? Yeah.

Yeah, but so does everything. This fucking table's got calories if you eat it. No. There's some very similar logic going on in Donald Trump's part of the debate at the moment right now, I think. So that's true. Everything's got calories. Because one calorie is the energy to bring water up by one degree. That's what a calorie is.

Oh, right. Oh, we're back to science class. This is so educational. You're fucking science jackets, friends. Actually, what happens? Like I just said, if you ate that table, that would have calories in it. No. It would, wouldn't it?

No. Fuck, the calories that you're putting on are the least of your worries if you're eating a table. I've tried to cut out tables from my diet. I'm going to look like such a fat bitch when I've eaten this table. Oh, my God. I'm just moving down to chairs. But literally, is that the case?

You know, you go to McDonald's and you've got the whole this burger is 2800 calories. If you ate that book if you ate Tommy Daslow's copy of the game how many calories would that be? None. Because your body can't process it. There's a certain white fluid on some of the

pages of that book that are contributing to the calorie count. Your liver would be a lot sleazier. You're shooting loads over how to get women. Put on a feather bower. Tell her that you don't like her. Oh, fuck. Imagine what happens after that. Yeah, because you've got to burn it so there's calories in it.

Yeah, but your body can't burn it. Right. So if you eat pages, if you eat paper. I used to eat paper. No, you won't get anything out of it. You won't get, there won't be calories. No, because it's not, there is energy in it, but your body can't get it out.

It can be burnt. Right. But you can't burn it. I like how Edo just made the statement. Who's burning it? Just someone in the backyard. I like how Edo just made the statement, I used to eat paper.

A genuinely insane proclamation And it just got absolutely passed over Edo, have you done the paperwork? Oh yeah I'm fucking full Couldn't need another page What was that? Oh no, nothing

Is that how you keep so slim, Edo? Because there's no calories in paper. What dress size are you, A4? Trying to get down to an A5. Do you want a leaflet for supper? No, just a page, thanks. Trying to cut down. She looks sick.

She must be a DL. That's showing some good knowledge of paper sizes. Thank you. I've owned a printer So you What did you do? So you were putting You went through the last of your boxes

So what did you do? Did you just have a little bit of each? Or did you put them all into the one big bowl? No, no, no I just had You know, a couple of weeks ago I just had six, seven boxes there And I'm like, oh, this is crazy

Because I've got a bad habit of going to the supermarket Name your cereals What are your cereals? What do you have? All the old people You'd have Just Right and All Brand and all that shit, I reckon. Keeping in mind, if you say Nutri-Gran, I'm going to bash you. With the microphone.

I did have Nutri-Gran. Oh! You're fucking bashed. Is that bad? Why is that bad? I just reckon it's the pits, that stuff. In what way? Just gross little bricks made of pulp.

Are they still doing this? Because remember in the 90s or whatever the ads for it were like it was, you know, it's always, it's Iron Man food but it's so, I can't imagine anyone

doing anything active after eating that cereal. It's so heavy. It's got to have sugar in it. Oh, definitely. That's all it is. That's all it bloody is, mate. Having said that,

I've tried to not have it because that's why that's the last thing in the larder. That was the last thing in the larder today. But I try and get the – because I've got a bad habit of going to the supermarket and just seeing – Just quickly, larder is more posh than pantry. Yeah.

Larder's the top of poshness. Larder does sound a bit more like la-di-da. Yeah. I think larder is what a fridge was before there were fridges. Oh. I don't know that for sure. Now we're getting fucking scientific, aren't we? In those like wooden boxes that you see.

Yeah, I feel like a twig. It's like, that's the old school fridge. No, it's not. It's a box with meat in it. Yeah. No, I feel like it's where you'd put butter before there was. I've been reading a lot about boxes with meat in it in the game. Hello.

Anyway. Delete your account. Eat some paper. I've got a bad habit Delete your account Eat some paper I've got a bad habit Of going to the supermarket And seeing cereal on special And I'm a sucker For cereal on special

Really So that's why My house fills up with cereal Anything else on special Float your boat Or just cereal Cereal's a big one Yeah

Because you can't get meat on special Because it's like Oh I'm not going to eat that this week But cereal Hang on Week This week I've already got a lot of meat Backed up Can't get any more None of that special meat But cereal is sitting you. Hang on. Week. This week.

I've already got a lot of meat backed up. Can't get any more. None of that special meat. What's your meat turnaround? Well, my meat cupboard's full. Yeah. You've got to eat meat within the week, yeah? Yeah. No meat gets to the front of the line either.

There's a queue. You've got to eat the meat you bought. Yeah. For, you know, like if you buy meat, you can't, it goes to the back. Yeah, exactly. But with cereal, it's's like you got 12 months Yeah Don't you

Yeah Roughly Longer I'd say Like as long as you're willing to wait And take a chance Well that was my That was my big wake up call Because I went to get cereal

A couple of weeks ago And it had run out of date I was like fuck Wow How do you run out of date with cereal Have you heard about that whole Thing about the dates Being a bit of a lie anyway

Like they used to be secret and hidden and then they'd just have it so they could cycle the stuff. And the whole idea of food going off I mean it obviously goes off but it doesn't they're used by dates a bit of a lie. It's more like you can tell if it's off. Fuck, there's a lot of chunky milk at home

that I'm going to drink tonight. Interesting theory. Now what about 9-11? Tell us your thoughts on that. Jet fuel. 9-11 was actually the Twin Towers expiry date. That's completely correct. Prove me wrong. It's very good.

Put a bit of milk on it. Finally someone got through those last two towers. Just shave off the top. It's probably good to go. God was like, I've got to finish these. Or I'll get sick. I spent all of last night thinking I was going to get sick because I ate some leftover food from my fridge

and was like, oh, yeah, I've got this. And then ate it. It was some pasta with bacon in it. And then was sort of doing the maths in my head about when I cooked it and went, oh, I might be in trouble here. Like really – and was tempted to Google how long you can keep it for but then I thought, I kind of don't want to know. And then it's like, you know, when you think you might –

you know, you think you might have done something to yourself, any like slight feeling that you get, you're like – I was lying in bed going, ah, this is it. I'm going to have to call off the podcast in the morning because I'm going to be fucking violently ill. You're wearing an adult nappy going to bed. Just ready. I'm here to tell to call off the podcast in the morning because I'm going to be fucking violently ill. You're wearing an adult nappy. Just ready. I'm here to tell the tale.

So what else have you got? You know what I've got? Nutri-Grain. Yeah, Nutri-Grain. Pretty much Nutri-Grain and home brand Corn Flakes or Sanitarium Corn Flakes. Wow, you got them on special? They are.

They're always on special. No, they're a dollar. They go down a little bit. And they go below $2. And I'm like, well, you're an idiot not to buy cornflakes. You are a fucking shyster. But that's great. You know that it gives you a little endorphin when you get something on a remarkable special?

I'm like, that is crazy to buy food for at least five or six mornings for $1.90. You're crazy not to buy that. You're an idiot not to buy like cheap home brand cornflakes. Yes. Yeah, you're a fool. All of you aren't. If I go into that larder now and it's a jam full of $1.90 cornflakes, you're a fucking idiot.

It is so easy to go in and you're like, this is what I want. And then right next to it, there'll be the same product, slightly different. Maybe it's a different flavor or whatever. And it's 50 cents off. And you go, oh, you got to get that then. And you come home and all of a sudden you've got a whole trolley of stuff that you sort of actually don't really want.

Yeah, they get you. 80% of what you kind of went in there wanting to get. Yeah, they get you. Yeah, you save 10 cents on each item and then you go out Friday night and go, I'll buy 17 shots for everyone. Cool. That's literally it, though. Like, you'll, yeah, beer doesn't factor into that at all.

Like, if you're going out drinking, it's like, hey, money is no object. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go crazy. You're not looking at the taps going, what's that, $6.70? And what's that, $6.80? I'll have the $6.70, thanks. So what have you got now? You've got a blank slate.

What are you going to do? Yeah, what are you going to do? Starting from day dot, what are you going to do? Well, I'd be an idiot not to go and save myself another bunch of money and get a bunch of $1.90 cornflakes, wouldn't I? Are you into your brick-type Weet-Bix, Adam? Yeah. No, I haven't.

You're not into it? Man, they're good. You know the dirt out the front of your house? That's free, right? That's a good deal. How many calories? That's low calories. Is it?

Dirt. Who's burning the dirt? I don't think dirt burns very well, to be honest. Ed, you would have been a dirt eater as a child. Should we get back to the paper eating? Ed, you would have eaten a bit of shit in your day. Yeah, if you hadn't said the paper thing, that would have been the harshest comment.

Yeah, no, I don't remember eating dirt, but I definitely ate a lot of paper. I was worried my organs were paper maché for a while. What age was this? I feel like we've talked about this before perhaps. Yeah, I think we have. Because particularly, you know, because I talked about the dot metric printer

and those holes down the side. They were my favourite thing to eat. Oh, they're delicious. Yeah, I used to rip them off and eat them. It's like the aero bar of paper. Oh, yeah. It's delicious. I like that a lot.

It's paper but not too much paper. Good texture. I read something about it. It means something too. Eating paper? Yeah. I'm pretty sure I know what it means. I can take a few stabs if you'd like.

I've got a lot of funny words that I could use. But what age was this up until? Probably like 10 or 12. Okay. Until your dad got rid of the printer? Yeah. You sort of were – like, you know, you could have said like 23. Yeah, yeah.

And it wouldn't have shocked me. No. Well, I still suck my thumb. Right. Oh, that sentence ended better than I... I still suck my own dick. Do you get... When you go to the dentist, does he know?

Is he like... Yeah, well, no, there was a time where... Or she. All right. Or it. It. Let's not just have... Or she.

All right, mate. It's all right. 2016, don't email in. Don's not just have violence. Oh, she. All right, mate. It's all right. 2016, don't email in. Don't write a fucking blog. I, yes, no, there was a standoff between my mum, the orthodontist, and me for a while over. I was only allowed to have braces if I stopped sucking my thumb and I refused to stop.

And then I didn't get the braces. How does that conversation go when you say, I refuse? No, thanks. Watch me putting it in. when you say, I refuse? No thanks. Watch me putting it in. Oh, yeah, I just put it in. I just stare at it. There wasn't a conversation. It was just you sticking it in.

Yeah, just putting it in. Because I remember seeing you at gigs when I was sort of first getting to know you and you'd be pacing around sucking your thumb. And I was always like, well, that's an interesting thing. I'd like to bring that up. But what if this is like sleepwalking and like she doesn't know that she's doing it and if I bring it up it's like you're not meant to wake up a sleepwalker. What if me

telling her makes her go insane? I don't know I'm doing it when I'm doing it. Right. Because I get, particularly if I'm anxious or something, it goes in there. Right. And then I suddenly realise where I am. Especially when I used to have off jobs. Just take up smoking. I know. Or suck and dick.

Sorry, I'm just really anxious. Sorry, mate. I used to have off jobs. Just take up smoking. I know. Or suck a dick. Sorry, I'm just really anxious. Sorry, mate. I think that more helps other people that are anxious, but yeah. How long have you been driving buses for? Mate, that's a lot of cum. That's a lot of cum. How many calories in that? In cum?

Yeah. Depends, I suppose, how big the load is. If you've been eating paper, not so much. Well, I think if you're... Can't burn it. Yeah, a couple litres of cum is a solid meal. But is the amount of calories in that, is that like consistent from person to person?

Or would it change based on like their diet and stuff? Cereal intake. Cereal intake. Can you have fat cum? Glad you're asking me as I am the number one foremost expert on cum calories. It's what I've spent my whole life on. You think I'm doing stand-up. No, I'm at home.

Number one cum camp. I'm at home getting loads and testing them. Oh, that's a bit of a lemony one. Let's test that for calories, shall we? Yes, sir. How do you sit fire to cum? Who's that? A little kid. Yeah, it's a bit of a lemony one. Let's test that for calories, shall we? Yes, sir. How do you sit, fight and come? Who's that? A little kid.

Yeah, it's my lab assistant. What's he doing there? He's a grown man who loves sucking helium. Making a lot of assumptions. As well as dick. Here's my question about food. I have a thing where we're talking about expiry dates of food and cereal and so forth. And you made that great 9-11 call. Yeah. It was good. Very good. Thanks, everyone. about food. I have a thing where we're talking about expiry dates of food and cereal and so forth.

And you made that great 9-11 call. Remember that? It was good. Very good. Thanks everyone. Next t-shirt I reckon. Bit of a stretch. This is what I do

with meat. We're talking about shopping for meat. If I buy a bunch of meat and I've got it for the week then I'm sort of

panicking going I've got to cook this this week. And quite often I'll be out I'll be busy I'll be doing stuff and I get to the Friday or the Saturday I've got it for the week, then I'm sort of panicking going, oh, I've got to cook this this week. And quite often, I'll be out, I'll be busy, I'll be doing stuff, and I get to the Friday or the Saturday, I've got that meat from the last weekend and go, oh, I've got to cook it now. But then, is this, in my head, this works. I'll cook it on the Friday or Saturday and then go, oh, we've got another week.

Yep. Bingo. Is that how it works? I mean, I'm the same as you and I've never known if that's right or not. That's all right. I was like, oh, yeah, I've just wound myself another week there. Yeah, yeah. I've extended the shelf life.

Have you then eaten it after the week and gotten sick? Because there's your answer. I've got a bit of an iron gut, I think. So I think I could sort of eat pretty much anything. You're killing all the bacteria when you cook it and then it's got to start over again. Yeah, it's a new one. Right. It just depends on how, well, if you're like not putting, you know, like you clean up and

then you put the meat on a fresh plate and you cover it and you put it in the fridge straight away. Yeah. You're good. No, that's your cum procedure. Hey, come on. Who's been sneaking around my lab? Your larder.

My cum larder. That's my cum pantry. Thank you. Magna cum larder. Demi cum larder. My cum larder. That's my cum pantry. Magna cum larder. Demi cum larder. It's me old cum pantry, I like to call it. The old spoof cupboard. I do that where, like if you Google like how long can you keep this kind of meat under these conditions and whatever, it's kind of not helpful

because there's always like yeah there's always like a chandler like an iron guts gun ah fucking six months just leave that chook there it's good to go it's fine there's someone who's just like got this iron constitution who just like does not care well if you're like the opposite you're the opposite of me i think i've got a bit of an iron guts and i think you you know you walk outside and sniff a sausage and go oh no I've got to sit on the toilet. How often does that happen? Every day. Let me tell you the election was very difficult waiting in line.

I mean I've got, mine's clearly a medical thing that I have just never gone and had checked out. I clearly have an intolerance to something but I've never, because you know if you go and see someone about it – I'm closed off. Closed up. If you have to go do that exclusion diet where you spend a week going through and it's like – Yeah, just eat paper.

Now just eat cardboard. Now discount cornflakes. Week three, this is the fun one. Only cum for the whole week. Let's push it another couple of weeks. Go to Bart's lab, get a jug. Bart's lab. I've gone on to...

I used to... My breakfast routine was that of a child. I'd just get like... I just would get anything with a fucking cartoon animal on the box. And I've drawn a line under it because it's no good. I'm on porridge now. Oh, right. How's that going?

I've gone completely the other way. Do you put stuff in the porridge? Put a little bit of honey on top. What are you using there? Full cream milk to make it's no good. I'm on porridge now. Oh, right. How's that going? I've gone completely the other way. Do you put stuff in the porridge? Put a little bit of honey on top. What are you using there? Full cream milk to make it? No, water. Just water. Water? What about cinnamon? No, just honey. Get into the cinnamon. It's good for you. That's gluggy, mate. Is it really? Yeah, good for your insulin sensitivity.

Your what? Insulin sensitivity? What's that? Insulin sensitivity, thanks. Sensitive. You guys know about insulin? Yeah, insulin's the… Insulin sensitivity, thanks. Sensitivity. You guys know about insulin? Yeah, something about diabetes. No, like it's in… You gave it a crack there.

Guys, put on your lab hats. Oh, no. Hang on. He's going to spoof everyone. There's your insulin. Lick it up. It's the good stuff. It gets the…

It regulates your blood sugar. So it is something to do with diabetes. Well, if you don't have it, then you've got diabetes. If your insulin doesn't work properly, you get diabetes. But everyone else has got it shooting around all the time. And what does cinnamon do? Make it sort of... It makes it work better.

Supposedly. My dad got told that he had diabetes and then he went to a naturopath and she was like Nah you don't have diabetes Who would you listen to? Are you allowed to just tell people that? That's a pretty risky diagnosis to me Also a disease shouldn't be an opinion You got cancer

Nah you don't Just wash your hands you'll be fine Your hands are just covered in grime They're filthy You wash it all off all of a sudden Just wash your hands, you'll be fine. Your hands are just covered in grime. They're filthy. You wash it all off, all of a sudden, completely clean. No, it's just a bad pollen day. You don't have cancer. I thought I had stage three leukaemia.

Turns out I just had a bit of grease on my hand. Went to the dietician. He put me on a diet. I'm just eating eggshells and paper. Low calorie, high fibre. What about this slight gear shift? We haven't talked about this. Tommy Dassler, you've just been on holidays in Japan.

Yes. And we haven't talked about that. I mean, you were there for two weeks. I was there for two weeks. I went to Japan. I made the interesting decision to travel with my mum and dad over to Japan. You chandled it. Two weeks.

I chandled it. Tough because your dad's got diabetes. Yeah. Yeah. He couldn't enjoy all the sugary treats over there. Yeah. Now, you've done it. We've talked about it on the show a little bit.

I've done it twice now. You've done it twice. Yeah. Thailand with your parents. Ed, you've done a bit of parent travelling, have you not? Yeah. I spend a lot of time with my parents. But I don't know if we've had an actual night away

Oh yeah I do Family holiday I feel like there was a family holiday with you recently Where you spewed in the car or something Oh cracker That's great But you ever travelled with the folks? Yeah I travelled through South East Asia with my dad

Oh really? Just dad, mum stayed at home Okay Wow By choice or just not invited? Well we wanted to do a bit of backpacking And she likes the good life. So not that we did all backpacking but –

And how did you find it? It was great. Yeah. Travelling with Dad was awesome. Right. He was real chilled out. Did he pay for everything? He paid for a fair bit of stuff.

Yeah, it's good. I was really keen to slum it a little bit and just go into weird places and go for hikes and stuff and then he'd go, let's get a nice hotel. Come on. That's all right. We'd get somewhere nice. It was great.

Yeah. I found it to be one of the most exhausting experiences of my entire life. Like fucking hell. Like it was great and they had a really great time. And I think, I don't know, I think you go on holiday with your parents and you look at it as like you'll look on it more fondly the more time goes on, if that makes sense. Did you take pictures?

Yeah. What do you mean? Of like you all together. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the sort of thing that I found when I came back. You look at the pictures and you're all smiling. You've taken a picture of a nice thing and you remember that. You don't remember the hard times.

Yeah, you don't remember the fight in the train station. What about cultural faux pas? Did they do any things that made you just want to run away? What's the paper over in Japan like? Yum, yum. If you eat one of those origami little birds, is it still the same calories? Yeah, they're pretty filling. That's why origami was invented.

So there were more meal choices. That's like a happy meal over there. Well, we – so we flew over and like we – on the plane over, we were all sitting kind of separately, like not near each other. Who did you fly with? Jetstar. Ooh. Rough bottom.

Good deal. Sounds like the pantry's dried up. Had to downgrade from a larder to a pantry. I think they sold their pantry on Gumtree. Yeah, so we were sitting like not near each other, which I passed off as, oh, wow, they just randomly assigned these. No, I did that deliberately when I got the tickets. So mum, like we take off and then, you know,

the point where you're allowed to take your seatbelts off and stuff. Mum is like motioning at me going, hey, hey, come over, come over. So I undo my seatbelt and I'm on the other aisle on the other side so you don't have to walk up and cut through and go all the way around. So I get my way over there and I'm like, what's up? And she goes, jeez, the plane's big, isn't it? That was it? That's why I came over here?

And she's like, yeah, just look at it. I'm like, fuck, here we go. Well, this is the first thing that's happened. It's going to be a good two weeks. So the toughest bit of it was we were mostly in Airbnbs that I booked that were like apartments where, you know, there was plenty of space. But then mum went rogue and just booked in because we were in Tokyo at the beginning at the end, just booked us into hotels,

all of us in the same room. What? At the beginning and the end. I didn't know this had happened. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I wish I had overseen this part of it.

Yeah. Because it was pretty fucking brutal. So you're talking double bed and a single with you on it? I'm talking one queen bed that we're all in. No! Well, I got scared. There was a thunderstorm. Mummy, hold little Tommy.

I'm surrounded by Japanese people. I'm scared. So we get in and the second night we were there, a guy that I know, I don't even know him that well. I just saw that he happened to be in Japan. Your dad? No, go on. Yeah, I'm not on first name basis with him yet. I just saw that he happened to be in Japan. Your dad? No, go on. Yeah, I'm not on first name basis with him yet.

I just saw that he happened to be, and, you know, he's just desperate for an escape. So I was like, oh, hey, man, I'm in Japan too. Do you want to go get a beer? And he's like, yeah, that'd be great. So I have dinner with my folks. They go to bed. I go out.

And I end up just getting fucking blind with this friend of mine. Like we go to a karaoke room where it's like, I think it's like $30 an hour and then you can just drink as much as you want when you're in there. So you're trying to hit that $30 at least. Trying to get your yen's worth. Yeah, yeah. We're there for like three hours.

We just get fucking so blind. I come home at 4.30. My parents are awake. They're waiting up for me. No. Yeah, they're sitting up waiting for me. I come in just fucking leathered and they're like, why haven't you been replying to our messages?

And I'm like, I told you, my phone's not working here. I'm on a different SIM. And they're like, oh, we forgot. We thought something had happened. And like they're up waiting for me. They're sitting up. What do you do if you're just waiting for someone to come home? They've got the TV on but it's all in fucking Japanese.

So they're just sitting there trying to pretend like, oh, yeah, we're just killing time just seeing what's on the old idiot box. It's some fucking guy. It's some guy getting fucking cream poured on his head and people shouting at him. They're like, oh, yeah, this is good, isn't it? Just a bit of – Just stay in Bart's lab.

Hey, those experiments are confidential. Bart's son's lab. Hey, those experiments are confidential. Bart's son's lab. Just seeing if you turned up on the news probably. Yeah, pretty much. So I come in and I'm just fucked and then I just like pass out straight away and then I get up in the morning. We were checking out. Dad wakes me up with like ten minutes to go because I'm about to sleep

through the checkout time. I just quickly pack up and I've forgotten kind of coming in and so we're in the lobby just kind of sitting there and I'm about to sleep through the checkout time. I just quickly pack up and I've forgotten kind of coming in and so we're in the lobby just kind of sitting there and I'm like, I'm just kind of like, oh, man, I had a really fun time last night. Mum's like, oh, I'm glad it was fun for you and just fucking rips into me. I'm sitting there.

I'm 30 for fuck's sake. I'm sitting in this hotel lobby just getting torn apart by my mum. All these people are walking past just seeing this going, what a fucking loser. Like this fucking bald little man who's also dressed like a child getting treated like one. It was one of the most fucking humiliating nights of my whole life. Just fucking no good.

Yeah. No good at all. I had a big blow up with my family coming back the last time. Oh, really? Yeah. But not during the holiday. In the airport. Oh of course. Like coming home. Enough's enough.

So just a big one just a bit before we get on the plane to come back to Melbourne. It's like oh wow. This is what a ridiculous place to have it. You came so but that's it. But that's kind of it's like you know if you really need to go to the toilet and then you get home and once you can see the toilet your body just goes this is it. It's sort of like that. it's like you go well whatever we're near the end

here yeah but so my defense was like they were pretty they were really shitty and i'm like well you know what back in melbourne i'm doing this stuff every other night like and you just have no idea about it wrong defense because then they're like are you genuinely an alcoholic so then every every beer that i got was under intense scrutiny. They're like, do you really need one with lunch, do you? And I'm like, all right. Which is one reason why we wanted to do the podcast. Tommy, here are your parents. It's intervention time.

I'm drinking a beer with lunch and I go, I'm on holiday. My dad goes, your life's a fucking holiday. Yeah, you've got, instead of the fucking breakfast cereal larder, you've just got a beer larder out there that you're trying to get through. Yeah, you've got – instead of the fucking breakfast cereal larder, you've just got a beer larder out there that you're trying to get through. Yeah, yeah. Well, my dad – so my dad was just walking around constantly talking about how crazy it was that we bombed the Japanese. Like striking – using it to strike up conversation with locals going,

oh, it's so crazy how nice you guys are to us given, you know – And also – It wasn't us. the expiry date of Hiroshima. Yeah. Also, I like we. It's like, you know, white people. No, the all sops. Did your dad fly the plane? Did you bomb someone when you were drunk that night?

Yeah. So that was tense. But, yeah, it was just – it was mostly really good. But there's just so much, like, fucking – Japan is, like, great and it's very easy to get around. It's not conducive to dawdling. So there was just a lot of, like – so we'd go through a gate in the subway station.

I'd get them their tickets. I'd go, okay, there's a gate up there. Hold on to the tickets. You'll need them in a second to go through the gate. We get to the gate. Everything has to be filed away immediately. So it's, you know, suddenly the fucking tickets are right down the bottom of Dad's bum bag.

He's fishing around. People are fucking knocking them out of the way. I'm like, just keep the fucking tickets in your hand. It's non-stop. I'm on the other side of the gate. I'm getting pushed along in the stream of people. It's me going, just hold on to your fucking tickets. We'll lose them.

You won't fucking lose them. Anyway, one day we're walking around Kyoto. I lose my fucking bullet train pass. So then they're like, yeah, you see. And yeah, not a good scene. Who's worse, your mum or dad? What, kissing? Hey.

No, like who can get you to like react quicker? Oh, definitely dad. Like you turned into a child more. Definitely dad. Like so they're all very helpful over there. Like you go to a train station, you're like we want to get here and they'll give you like a printed out sheet of instructions, go to this station, get on this line, all in English.

And so I'm like, great. We'd get halfway through. We'd stop at a station. Dad would look out the window and go, yeah, I recognise that name. Let's get off here. I reckon we can get there going here. I'm like, oh, maybe we can here but we definitely can if we follow the instructions that the person who works at the station gave to us.

And he's like, nah, nah, we'll get off here. So we get off. We're on another line. We end up fucking back where we started and Dad's just like, oh, well, can't win them all. And that fucking just sets me right. That's what fucking gets me. And then I'm like, and this is after a day of mum going like, come on, we can't win them all, and that fucking just sets me right off. That's what fucking gets me. And then I'm like, and this is after a day of mum going like,

come on, we can't dawdle. Like, I've gotten in trouble for sleeping in. It's like, come on, we've got a lot to get through today. And then I'm going off going, just fucking follow the instructions. How hard is it? And then mum's going, oh, don't yell at him. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, cool. I'm the bad guy.

I'm fucked. Put me in the bin I'm so tensing up Oh this is not Bad boy Tommy In Japan With his delicate Little parents

I know I was telling a friend When I got back And my friend was like You just sound like The biggest fucking brat And I'm like Oh I had a great time

But the fact of the matter Is travelling around With two people Who are nearly 70, one of whom is 69, who happen to be related to you is just – it's exhausting. It is. Yeah, you just automatically become 14. Yeah, totally.

It doesn't matter what age. Yeah. Or you become the parent. Totally. Like the big fight that we had that kicked off, I had a big fight with my dad as we were coming home from Thailand the last time, which came off because of this. We're coming through the, not customs or I'm not sure.

Yeah, security. We're coming through security, right? And we all go, there's three of us, there's four of us, three of us go through the same one and we all go straight through. My dad lines up behind ten people. And so we're through waiting and he's just standing there behind ten people. And they're two along, there is no one.

And we're sitting there waiting going, oh, this is insane. And I go, dad. And then I go, oh, fuck, well, there's no yelling dad in an airport. So then I go. Everybody just goes, yes. And again, talking about how it makes you feel like a child again Being in a public space and calling out mum Just makes you feel like you're fucking three

Yeah so instead of that I go Robert Chandler And then he looks up and I'm like Just there And point over and I'm like just there And he looks up and then looks over there And then sort of up and I'm like, just there. And point over and I'm like, just there. And he looks up and then looks over there and then sort of slowly goes over there and goes through, straight through. And then meet up with him five minutes later and then he goes off his guts at me.

Really? I'm like, what's all this about? It just goes me, goes through the throat. And I'm like, where's all this come from? You trying to tell me what to do and all. And I'm like, where's all this come from? You trying to tell me what to do. And I'm like, what? You yelling out my name. I'm like, what am I supposed to do? This is filling in a lot

of the blanks about why you are the way you are. Oh, no, no. Just insane. Like, you're behind ten people. Two aisles along, there's no one. I'm just telling you to do the common sense thing. Oh, man, he went off his head.

Well, this actually plays into, I was thinking this recently. If you're ever like, you know, if you're at a cafe and you're catching up with a friend and you're telling them about like, you know, say you're having a problem with a friend or something or like some drama that's going on in your life, if it's crowded enough and you know that, if there's someone sitting near you by themselves and you know that they're like eavesdropping

Which I know Anne you're a big fan of the old eavesdrop Like when you overhear other people's Like dramas in their life They sound fucking brain dead Like they sound like this guy was standing near me At a place the other day and he was talking to his friend And he was going yeah it was just fucked Because like you know he comes around

And it's like I know And it's like pretty obvious that all he wanted to do was watch the footy and, like, then he leaves and he's all in a half and I was, like, saying to him, I was texting him afterwards, like, why didn't you say that you just wanted to watch the footy? Like, it's obvious that all you wanted to do was watch the footy and that's fine but, like, you know, we wanted to do other stuff but you just wanted to watch the footy and I wanted to interrupt

and go, you sound like a fucking idiot. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, imagine overhearing that, like, argument about standing behind ten people. They're generally pretty shit arguments, though, aren't they? Totally. Like, the problems are pretty meaningless. Except for not being able to find discount cornflakes. Yeah.

I heard a good one the other day, which was I was in a Hungry Jack's and I was behind two ladies that definitely do not frequent Hungry Jacks or anything of its ilk. How could you tell? Because of their next question. All right. Which was to the girl behind the counter, do you guys sell chips? Maybe she was winking because she wanted wet ass chips.

Oh, yeah. Like, do you sell chips? What are you even doing going into a Hungry Jack's if you don't know that they sell chips? That's crazy. And how do you be, if you've been in line, I take it was reasonably busy. No, no, no. Really? They were the only people in the store apart from me.

But there's pictures of chips everywhere. There's nothing worse than when people are consulting the menu. Because we all don't want to be, it's all shame that we're all in there. And if someone's up there going, oh, what's that up there? You're like, just get on with it. Someone's going to see me. It's a long chicken burger, is it? How long?

How do they do that? Two. You get two of them. One with hot sauce. How hot is that? Oh, I'm having flashbacks. This is me two weeks in Japan because they don't – you know, my parents don't – How are they with the food anyway?

They were pretty – this is the annoying thing. I'm like, I want to look up what's meant to be great. I'm happy to travel for like an hour to get like, you know, something that's meant to be like the best of a certain type of food or whatever. Dad wants to walk for five minutes and then just have fucking whatever. Like he doesn't care. It's fuel.

Who gives a shit? So there was a lot of times of just sitting there eating. Him in the stationary shop. Yeah. Eating paper, fueling up. There's a lot of times of him just us sitting there eating a fucking ham sandwich and me going, oh, well, this is a great Japanese experience. This is what I would have.

Because this was a big part of the, I think, the fuel of the argument with my dad. This is the most we've ever bonded over anything. This and Mad Magazine are the only two things we really have in common. This is part of the big argument with me and my dad is I think he got his back up

because we would go every meal would go out and he'd go right what's the most Aussie thing on the menu have you got a hamburger have you got oh actually

even that's a bit Asian for me can I get seven eggs that have coated a kangaroo that's half Jimmy Barnes. Have you got a slice of Uluru that I could eat? Yeah, so he would get whatever and I'd go, you're not having that.

What you're going to have is a curry or a stir fry or something. You're in Thailand, you can't, like it was a game of him to evade all the Asian things on the menu to find the most Aussie thing on the menu. And it was just driving me crazy. You can't flow nine hours over here and just eat what you could have at the Mirabie thing on the menu. And it was just driving me crazy. I'm like, you can't flow nine hours over here and just eat what you could have at the Maribor train station. Yeah. I left my parents alone one night to get dinner by themselves

because they don't like ramen and I love ramen. Oh, ramen's the best. And I was like, you know what, so buy your fucking selves. I'm going and getting ramen. And they go and I find them. They text me. They're like, we're at this place. I go and find them and they're in a Chinese restaurant. And I'm like, and they're like, we're at this place. I go and find them and they're in a Chinese restaurant.

And I'm like, and they're like, yeah, so it turns out this place is Chinese. I'm like, yeah. And mum goes, oh, how did you just know immediately that it was Chinese? I'm like, the music that's playing, the food that you're eating, the decor of the place, there's Chinese characters out the front. I'm pretty sure underneath those Chinese characters there's English words that say Chinese restaurant and they're like wow you've really got to keep your wits about you don't you?

This place is called the Golden Chinese Emperor Dragon. We were on a train one day. This is Tiananmen Square food court. What other clothes do you need? This is called the Ronnie Chang Pantry. This is another point where I nearly blew up.

We were on, so some of the trains there, they have women only carriages. Oh. Now we're talking. Women in trains. Getting in on one of those carriages. Hey, couple of shields for me. Waiting for a bloody bit of few negs. Everyone just let him go for a little while.

Let's see where this ends up. So yeah, it pulled up and we nearly got on. I'm like, oh, Dad, we've got to get on the other one. And he's like, well, we get on and doors close. And he's like, what was that? I'm like, they have women-only carriages on some of the trains here. And Dad goes, oh, yeah, that's actually really good. Because I had this friend of mine, she used to say she'd be on the train

and it'd be really packed and there'd be men up against her and all of a sudden she'd feel, and then he acts it out on me. He goes, she'd feel a bit of this. He just starts honking me on my little tit, on my little breast. And like, so imagine Did your dad then have to get his own carriage after that?

Imagine you're on your way to work and two foreigners get on, speaking a language that you don't understand, and then the one who is very clearly the parent just starts grabbing the younger one on the chest. I was like, can you? And I hit him. I'm like, can you fuck off?

Just molest your son on the train in Japan. Fuck. We're going to do it somewhere. Have you ever travelled in Asia, Edo? Yes. Where have you been? What's the checklist? I've been to Japan. Yep. We're going to do it somewhere Tommy Titty Have you ever travelled in Asia, Edo? Yes Where have you been? What's the checklist? I've been to Japan

Yep Went there a couple of years ago with my ex-boyfriend Was he your ex-boyfriend then? Yeah Oh, he was Yeah, okay Yeah, we like to go travelling together Yeah

So you're still You're still in touch? Yeah Oh, great Been travelling lately? No, we haven't travelled lately But yeah, we went to Japan together for two weeks It was gross I loved it

Yeah But before that I've been to Thailand, Singapore, Hong Kong, Malaysia The first place I ever went overseas was Thailand When I was like 19 Oh really? Yeah yeah yeah Like just dropped in the middle of Bangkok as a 19 year old Group of mates

By yourself? No no no Three other girls. Right. And we just had this like wild. Get crazy. Fuck yeah. Like a lot of drinking, a lot of dangerous behaviour really in hindsight.

Yeah. Really. Drinking over there just in general, like I went to Phi Phi Island, which is like a big party island. And on one side it's like pretty chill and really beachy and then on the other side it's just like full party times. But then you hear all the stuff about you know them like all the dodgy, like what are they, the bucket

drinks? I cannot believe anyone is game enough to drink that. Yeah and the drugs like I think they took drugs. What did you take? I don't know, like some sort of some sort of speed or something. I don't know. They got those magic mushroom shakes as well. But like in hindsight what the fuck, what were we doing? something. I don't know. They got those magic mushroom shakes as well. Yeah, yeah. In hindsight, what the fuck?

What were we doing? Yeah. Like just, you know. That's how people end up in prison in a mini skirt and a boob tube going, oh, no. I feel that way about the first Saturday night I had in Japan two weeks ago. What was I thinking? Why are we wearing a mini skirt? When was the last time I wore a boob tube in Tokyo?

I was driving Dad wild. I wonder if he's honking Walking around Japan Like uncovered men You should have gone On the women only carriage People who sound Like women only I would love to get into this

Because we talk about Because I've been to Thailand a lot Because I talk about it a lot I get hit up a lot By people on social media and stuff About people going Yeah, yeah, well you talk about it so much It sounds so good

I'm going to do it I'm going to go Inspired by Chandler Yeah I got to And then I go Automatically my brain goes to I should hit up the Thailand tourism board

Yeah And see if I can get a sweet, you know, channel to us. Well, because the other thing that's funny that people deciding to go based on you talking about it on this podcast is that you, like, you obviously love it because you talk about going back there so often. But then, you know, the only actual stories that you tell about it, what's interesting? Bad stuff.

So it's you spewing or you being there with your parents Stupid stuff happening Just bad stuff happening to you Which then makes you say, oh it's so good It's like, how bad's his normal life? Because that's a good holiday I went over there and shat myself Best holiday ever

I've been backed up back in Australia for nine months Couldn't do a shit, get over there Have one fucking chicken wing on the street There's like Aussies that go over there and do things like they host like the drunk cruise, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. The drunk cruise where you basically go out in a boat and they just bring a bunch of slabs out and you get drunk

out in the middle of the ocean or whatever it is. So I should do one of them but a Chandler reality tour. Go there and host all the stories that have come from Thailand. Yeah. Is that really a tour you can do? Yeah. Like the slabs. Yeah. It's not slabs. It's heavier liquor than that. all the stories that have come from Thailand from me. Is that really a tour you can do? Oh, yeah. Like the slabs.

It's not slabs. It's heavier liquor than that. But it's slabs as well, yeah. Is it that Samsung whiskey? Samsung's a television made for it. Samsung? Yeah, I know what you're saying.

It's like that real cheap whiskey you can get at 7-Elevens that they put into buckets. Yeah, yeah. They're like the buckets where you were talking about. It doesn't sound like

there's a lot of drinking responsibly going on. No. Man, I remember being in Copenhagen at the full moon party. Yeah, yeah. They're like the buckets where you were talking about. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of drinking responsibly going on. No. Man, I remember being in Copenhagen at the full moon party and it just being so hectic. People fucking in the water and like jumping through rings of fire ineffectively and lighting their hands on fire. After they've been fucking?

Well, like as they're fucking. Yeah, my friends, I've got a couple of mates that went to Thailand before me. This is the ridiculous thing because I've been to Japan. That was the first place I ever went overseas. I went to Japan but I went there instead of going to Thailand. I knocked back Thailand for my first ever trip. Some of my very good friends went there and went, come with me. I went, nah.

So they would tell me stories after that that were all these great stories of being in Thailand, including, like you saying, Copenhagen. They went to a full moon party and everyone's off their heads and whatever. Crazy, yeah. And then there was this guy near them that just went, that's it, I can't handle it anymore. I can't deal with it in my head anymore.

I've got to finish this. And runs out into the ocean and just tries to drown himself. And my friends go, oh, wow, I've got to go and help him. And they grab him and drag him back and then immediately he goes, no, and runs out, jumps in there and they go, oh, fuck, grab him. Then he goes, oh, okay, I'm okay now. No, I'm not. And then runs out again and they go, no, we can't be fucked anymore.

If you're going to do it three times, we helped you twice. And again, you hearing this and going, I've got to go there someday. You could just kill yourself. People only try to stop you three times. Yeah, here I've got no mates. No one will stop me. That's the thing that stuck with me though because I go, yeah, three times is not a charm.

We didn't do it. So what happened to the guy? I don't know. We didn't chase him. Oh, fuck. So we flew Jetstar there and back and so, you know, you're not getting a meal on there Unless you pay for it

Or whatever So my parents were You know my parents got snacks And stuff like that You know you see a lot of people Kind of bringing out their own Foods on the plane Which I guess

I just wait Because it's not that long of a flight Like who cares Tiny little tidbit in the middle there Flying Jetstar I went to Thailand by Jetstar once I went with my girlfriend Maddened me

Because the whole point It's just like the $1.90 cornflakes The whole point of getting Jetstar I went to Thailand By Jetstar once I went with my girlfriend Maddened me Because the whole point It's just like the $1.90 cornflakes The whole point of getting Jetstar To go there Is it's a cheap flight Right You get it

Crazy cheap So we go there I get on there I go great At least you know I've got that feeling Of having a bargain Made

We're sitting there Then we get the food We get the food And the fucking iPad out there I'm like what Are we getting this And my girlfriend's like Yeah I bought that I'm like, what? Are we getting this? And my girlfriend's like, yeah, I bought that. I'm like,

that's, you just paid as much as we paid for the flight. So they're just infuriated because we paid all that money for the, and then we get the food. It's the worst fucking food in the world. It's like $40. Yeah. You get $40 for a fucking horrible food and then you get an iPad that came out, had

three movies in it, and two of them were Iron Man 2. Sounds like a great relaxing time for her. Do you know how many fucking pad ties you could get for 40 bucks? Exactly. About 80. Exactly. About 90 pad ties.

Honestly, I felt like running out in the ocean and necking myself up. So, you know, we're on the plane and, you know, some people bring their own snacks on, whatever. Some people are fine to just buy the stuff. Two women sitting next to me, two Japanese women, they open up their bags and they pull out two full corn on the cob. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I've never seen – yeah, wrapped – I couldn't get an idea of temperature. I wasn't close enough. Glad wrapped. Glad wrapped. Yeah. Glad wrapped corn on the cob. Glad wrapped corn on the cob. It must have been cold then if it was glad wrapped.

It's one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. Foil, it would have been hot, right? Foil? Foil, yeah, that's why I asked. Couldn't get it through security though. Yeah, surely you're not getting that through security. No, they might have had it up their arse. I've got pigs in there.

That wasn't glad wrapped, that was a condom. But that's one of the... That's coming from Melbourne, yeah? No, no, this is on the way back. Oh, okay. Well, that makes a little bit more sense. Maybe. Does it, Carl?

Why is that? Because they have corn on the cob in Japan. Hey! Somebody knows their country. Were they on a stick or were they just like nibble hands? Yeah, so everything's wrong. It's a messy dish. Yeah, it's really messy.

It's not like it's the most – you're not eating some corn and going, oh, I am stuffed. Like it's a side at best. Yeah, yeah. It's a big undertaking for a few little – Then you've got a free cob. You've just got this cob that you've got to fucking deal with on the plane. Yeah, yeah.

Plane cob. How much do you love corn that you're not having just anything else? Yeah. It was mind-blowing. If you love corn, you love the cob. That's how it works. Maybe they ate the cob. Maybe they ate the whole cob, yeah.

Yeah. A few calories in the cob. Eat the cob, you dog. Maybe there was something smuggled in the cob. Yeah, maybe. Maybe they were using the cob to, like, you know, bring stuff back in. Did you guys ever do this where – Who knows, cobber?

Do you do this now where you try to see how much stuff you can sneak into the movies? Because all cinemas are in shopping centres. You go to the supermarket. I want to talk about something. Oh, okay. Well, this corn on the cob thing, this reminded me of one of the great sneak ins I've seen.

I was at the movies once and a guy in the cinema had bought in a full curry, just a fucking like a butter chicken or whatever. I've done a full roast. You can name him. Dilruba Jaisi. Hey. And like full, like pungent, stunk out the whole cinema. Yeah, it's excellent.

And not something that's good to eat on the lap. Just no good. I've done a whole roast chicken. Have you really? Yeah, I took a whole roast chicken in. What? Yeah. What did you watch?

It was ages ago. It was like 10 years ago. Wow. That's great that you remember. I remember the chicken, not the movie. But not the movie. I've got my priorities straight. Were you alone or with a friend?

We used to see how much we could get in. So we got like one of those mud cakes that you get from Coles and a chicken. I remember me and a friend sneaking when we were in high school. Both of us sneaking a full large meal from Oporto's into the cinema. That's great. And feeling like we'd just won everything. You're the champions. You're the heroes.

It feels so good sneaking hip food. What did you want to talk about? I went to somewhere I've never, ever been before and I'm never, ever going again. Oh, wow. Last week. And that's Gold Class. Oh.

That's the worst. Right. The worst. Why is it so bad? Gold Class Cinema? It's really expensive. Well, a friend of mine had a voucher. My ex-boyfriend.

Oh. Yay. And it was like, it was just, you don't need nachos brought in. Sounds like someone needs to check their privilege just a little bit, Anne. It's disgusting. Because you can sort of ask for them to bring stuff at specific times. So you get there and it's like going into the Qantas lounge or something. They're like, welcome. And you're already like, oh, I want to kill myself.

And then they like sit down and like, and then they make you go through the menu and select things that are going to be brought in throughout. Oh, right. And we had to spend like 70 bucks on top of the ticket. So we're just like… You have to spend that. Well, when you've got a voucher, what are you going to do?

It's part of the voucher, right. Oh, it's part of it, right. I thought you meant like you have to not only buy the ticket but then there's like a minimum, there's like a five-trip minimum or whatever. So we're like nachos, fish tacos. Oh, yeah. Wine. And it's at specific times?

Yeah. At every 20 minutes, I would like potato skins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At 45 minutes, please bring a bedpan. Yes. I would need to pee. And there's no good movies there. So we're watching Sully.

Right. Oh, mate, he's a bloody hero. I don't know. Fucking hell. As soon as that plane hits the ocean, give me a pizza. No, bring in the fish taco then. So it's like a four-dimensional experience. As soon as that plane hits the ocean, give me a pizza. Bring in the fish taco then. So it's like a four-dimensional experience.

Every time Tom Hanks looks distressed, come in and slap me in the face. But then they like scurry in with the stuff and it's like distressed and then everyone starts crunching. I did a similar thing on a voucher where, yeah, like I found it really good before the movie started. Great, we're having drinks, we're having something to eat. But then, you know, yeah, you've got to take advantage of it and it's kind of like someone comes and interrupts you during the movie and you can see them go into other people's seats.

Also, I was putting my seat back and it kept squeaking. Like every time I would move it, it would go, eee. And I get the guy over, I'm like, hey, is there something I can do about the seat because it's like it's making a really loud noise every time I move it. He's like, no, we can't do anything about it. And I'm like, can I just move seats? Can I just move to another seat then? And he's like, you're here on the voucher, yeah?

And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, no, we can't move you. So I had to just sit in this fucking busted seat for the whole film. And we had salted caramel popcorn. I've never felt so crook in my life. And the movie was the worst. I hated it. That's not Gold Class' fault.

It is Gold Class'. It's just a bad concept. You should have taken it to the next level where you said, I want nachos every 30 seconds. It is kind of like in principle, it's an like kind of like basic desire, isn't it? If the movie was so bad you should have gone, I want Rotten Tomatoes 20 minutes in. Boom, boom, boom.

At five minutes I want a different movie. Yeah. Imagine, yeah, but imagine thinking about the kind of person that, you know, like the person that is obsessed with Gold Class. Oh, fuck, imagine going to the movies and you just get booze brought to you and you get food for free. Fuck, you're in a big comfy chair. Be fucking sick.

Entourage is up on the screen. Fucking there's no other way to do it. Mate, next Star Wars, Gold Class, already booked it. Can't fucking wait. Locked in, me and the boys going in. Drinks at O'Brien's next door before we get into it. I used to love going to the Hoyts version of it at Chadston because they have their nicer version but it's just up the very back upstairs

of the regular version. And there would be a thing where on Tuesdays everything's cheaper so this like kind of gold class version becomes the price of just a normal ticket. So me and my rat bag 15-year-old mates would go up and just get absolutely blind on, you know, coke and popcorn and throwing it around the cinema, which, you know, everyone who's trying to watch it down below you is just going like, wow, these little cunts on school holidays are just fucking it for everyone.

Did you ever have the all-night sessions? Yeah. Like a marathon kind of one? Yeah, movie marathons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever go to those ones? I think I did once, yeah. Yeah. I a marathon kind of one. Yeah, movie marathons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever go to those ones? I think I did once, yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know whether that was a – they definitely had them in Ballarat. I didn't know whether that was a – No, they had that when I was a kid too. Right. Or a teenager. Because that was not an environment suitable to actually watching movies. No, no. That's for fingering.

That's it. How many calories did that? Fingering marathon. All my fingering. Be some pruney fingers at the end of that. That's what you want, 20 minutes into Gold Class. If I could just have a fingering 20 minutes. 20 minutes into Sully, if someone could come out and just stick a digit right up me.

Bring the fleshlight out. I'd like a triple digit up my court at 20 minutes. As soon as that plane hits the Hudson, I want that finger to hit my arsehole. Does the Crazy Horse Cinema have gold class? Very good question. Extremely good question. Someone, some entrepreneurial young,

I'm going to say probably man, must have set that up. Yeah, surely. Set up a gold class porno cinema. What would you get? Yeah, you'd get presented your own fleshlight. Yeah. You'd get a bit of food, I guess. Fish taco.

Yeah. Some things are the same. You'd have to get the food first, I guess. Would you? Why? Well, because it's all leading up to someone coming out and doing something to you, I would presume. Oh, yeah.

You'd buy a free man for his lab. Somebody needs some food, just use a bit of carbon, my friend. A lot of calories. Check the pantry. We've got to find out if this exists. The jizz cupboard. I've got a feeling that it would exist, but it probably is not going to be advertised, surely,

unless it's in a country where something like that would be legal. But is there countries like that? I don't know. It would just be you'd get a sex worker and watch a movie. Yeah. At the same time. Yeah. Just in a hotel just be a, you'd get a sex worker and watch a movie. Yeah. At the same time. Yeah. Just in a hotel.

Just go to gold class with a sex worker. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Stop going on about it. Now suck my dick every ten minutes.

Yeah, what if you're in gold class and you think it's just like international waters so you're just there getting a handjob and they're like, asking you to leave

and you're like, whoa, I fucking paid 80 bucks for this. Mate, bring me my nachos and shut up. And it's like, and I haven't even paid for her. I figured you, you'll be like, well, I fucking paid 80 bucks for this. Mate, bring me my nachos and shut up. And it's like, and I haven't even paid for her.

I figured you guys would pick up the tab. You're the gold class. Well, on that note, we've got to wrap this podcast up because I think we all know what we're doing this afternoon. Eating paper? Going to gold class. Oh, I thought we were going to eat. Never again am I going there.

Yeah. Banned. I've banned myself. That's a sign of like I figure Gold Class Is really only something You should go to If you've got it for free Yes

You copped it for free Still bad And you still hated it Yeah You didn't watch a good movie though either Nah Well there's no good movies at Gold Class Isn't there

It's all the worst movies Oh they just keep shitty movies For Gold Class Yeah yeah Or it's just that Bogans want to watch Sally They're all like Oh oh, fucking hell. What a hero.

Who's a fucking hero, mate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your problem? I want to see you land one in the Yarra. What's your problem, eh? He saved everyone. He fucking saved them. Tom Hanks can fly.

Come and see some guy land a plane in the Yarra. Sallow. Walking past the Birdman R a plane in the Yarra Sallow. Walking past the Birdman Rally. Oh, fucking what a bunch of heroes. This is great. I fucking love Moomba. It's so inspiring. Oh, fuck. I wish I was eating cashew nuts watching this.

Bart Freeman and Edmunds, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Thanks, mate. Have you guys got things that you would care to plug coming up? Nah! You'll have a series on iview starting up soon, sometime in the near future. The Edge of the Bush, so keep an eye out for that.

We'll give that a real hot plug when it comes out. And Edmund's in The Edge of the Bush. Yeah, sure. It'll be out soon. I don't know when. Have a preview screening at Gold Class. Oh, yeah. Oh, mate.

I'll have nachos and watch that. Yeah. To be honest, it sounds like something you could have a gold class at the Crazy Horse, the edge of the bush. If you know what I'm saying. He's edging. If you can just every 20 seconds, if you just can come in and touch the edge of my bush that would really help me out.

I'm waiting for Edo's follow up series, Penetrating the Bush. Balls deep in the bush. Going around behind the bush anyway. Bart, what have you got? I've got my new iview series, To the Base of the Bush. Just go to my website, bartlaw.com. It's got all my jizz on it. And you've got your podcast with friend of the show, Demi Lardner,

We Are Not Doctors. We Are Not Doctors. Yeah. And that's about it. Cool. I'll be a gold class if you need me. We've got Adelaide in six days, so get off your little fannies and buy tickets to that.

We've got Perth coming up. We've got Perth on October the 30th. It's a three-hour show, all that sort of stuff, so get on to Perth, pick up your game, get some tickets in. And as we talked about last week, Melbourne is officially on sale. November 12th, doing two big ones back-to-back and then a fucked-up stand-up show somewhere in there in between or at the end. That's it, double episode and then fucked up stand-up show afterwards.

So we've never done something like that. Gary Chook, Bogan Baby. Bringing Back the Pyjamas. Bringing Back the Pyjamas. Me and Carl's double act. Our double act improv group, the most fuckedest cunts in the universe. Are we officially naming that? Alright, cool.

So it's just you guys doing different acts? No, no. There'll be a few other people as well. Other people. Me and Josh Earl are going to do our one time only double act. The cheeseburgers. We're going to bring that back for one night only. If you guys have got any ideas.

If you guys have got stupid ideas. Okay. Yeah, right. Okay. I'll go blackface for it. You should. Alright. If you're a Okay. I'll go blackface for it. You should. All right. If you're a police

don't come to the show. Carl bringing back the pyjamas and Bart bringing back the blackface. Just put your money where your mouth is really I say. If it's fucked up

let's go. Let's go deep. Guys, thanks very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you mates. Bye.