The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 317 - Lawrence Mooney & Fiona O'Loughlin

Episode Date: October 28, 2016

Flight Centre, Stockholm and BWS.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of the Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Yalla Chocolate Moose. And what an episode they've chosen to sponsor this week, Carl. I really hope they don't listen to the content. It is full on. This episode is full on, as you would expect. If you've read anything about this, if you know what you're listening to at all, it is, I guess, the legendary, outside of this podcast and on it, Lawrence Mooney and Fiona O'Loughlin. Yes.

And I would say that you are addicted to chocolate mousse. And that is something that ties in very neatly with the theme of this episode. But I'll tell you what, I am never going to rehab to get off this mousse. That's how good it is. If this mousse is going to kill me, bring on heaven. What's that in reference to? So, yeah, this episode, we're going to keep this ad pretty short because we know people want to get straight into this episode.

Keep it at 29 minutes. Also, there's not much for us to say. Perth was done. We've done that. Thanks, guys, for coming along. That episode will be out next week. Yes. Melbourne, our big double episode, is completely sold out.

Yes. So why even mention it? November 12th, Saturday, November 12th, if you've got your little tickets, come and bring your little heinies along. But yeah, that is done. That is done. I don't know.

I mean, check social media. Maybe if we can fit a couple in on the door or something, I don't know. Yeah, chance it on the door if you want to come along. And there's, you know, sometimes people don't turn up and stuff like that.

Oh man, that is the best money we ever earn. So good. Just like even with Perth, we just did Perth. Like you said, we'll hear that next week. But I was just doing the door and then I guess at the end we start the show and I see like three, four names that have just given us their money and not turned up. Free money.

Oh, nice one. A couple of hunji in the back pocket thanks to old Nelly no turn up. I mean, I know some of them could be like serious things have come up, you know, unfortunate things. But I wonder how many people just plum forget. Man, I reckon I've bought, I reckon easily in the last three years, I reckon I would have bought six flights that I never got on. Really?

Yeah. Because you, what, you missed them at the airport or you just decided to not go? Just a billionaire who likes just donating, giving back to the poor old airlines. Yeah, just, I don't know, just something happened. You know what? You buy something, you know, a little while out

and then it ends up you can't make it. And it's like, you know, Jetstar or whatever, they don't give refunds. It's like a $40 flight. All right, see you. It's behaviour that I myself do not understand. I don't understand people buying tickets to our shows and not going. I always go to things if I have a ticket. Really?

I think there's been maybe a handful of things, but it really has to be it has to be extremely bad you know what actually this is funny now i thought of it i've bought tickets to two different things in adelaide and they're not turned up right so the opposite of every everyone else has problems in adelaide about them not selling tickets i buy tickets to shows in adelaide and then not go there yeah i was gonna say you're part of the problem, but you're part of the solution. Yes. You're filling the gaps.

Exactly. Like I was going to, that's the thing, I then, I think with both occasions, I then just went, you know what, now I'm going to have to buy flights to go there. Ah, fuck it. Yeah. How are we going at the top of the episode? We'll keep this intro brief. Cut to three minutes later.

We're talking about the great topic of flights we haven't gotten on. Yeah, that's good. Worth it. Super content. So, November the 12th is sold out, but what we have just announced is that we are going to be doing an extra live show in Melbourne on a certain particular

date. It is. We're going to do a special little thing that we've never done before. Very exciting. Be funny. Provide value for money. No, we are going to do a little thing called an Orphan's Christmas Show. We're going to do a Christmas Eve, Saturday night, December 24. We're not going to make a big hullabaloo about it.

I don't think we're just – you know what? This is just one of those things where if you're in town, if you're in Melbourne, you're on Christmas Eve, maybe you don't have family, maybe you don't have anything to do. Maybe you're an actual orphan. Yeah. That term gets thrown around pretty liberally around that time of year, doesn't it? Yeah.

People tend to forget that being an orphan is an actual pretty awful thing that does exist in the world. Maybe you're somehow a – My family live on the other side of the city. I'm an orphan on Christmas. Maybe you're an actual orphan. You're a child that one of us has forgotten about. Yes.

Yeah. Let's say – I don't know, we haven't talked about this, but I'm going to say if you're one of our illegitimate orphan children, we're going to let you in for free. What do you reckon? At least 30% off, at the very least. So, yeah, we're not making this a big, big gig. It's just if you have nothing else on, if you, you know,

feel like coming and spending Christmas Eve with us, we'll have guests. You know, this isn't like a big showy podcast. This is us just sneaking down the podcasting chimney and having a bit of a nibble on some cookies and milk. Give it a bit back. Not at all. We're charging for it. It'll just be a nice podcast, but you know what?

It's also something for the guests. We've already had quite a bit of interest with guests going, hey, I'm around Christmas Eve. What do you do? What do you do? Yeah, it'll be fun. I have friends who, even though they have family stuff on Christmas Day, they're keen to come down.

I think it'll be fun. Yeah. It'll be a really fun afternoon. Yeah, no pressure. It's just, you know, it's Christmas Eve. Bring a present for us. In the form of cash. No, no.

Buy a ticket and then bring us a present as well. I'm doubling down on this. Wow. All right. Now I know why we're putting this on. This is a great idea. Bring us Easter eggs. Let's go the doubling down on this. Wow. All right. Now I know why we're putting this on. This is a great idea. Bring us Easter eggs. Let's go the whole hog.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So that'll be on sale when this episode goes up. Yes. So get onto that if you want to. You know, whatever. Whatever.

It's going to be a smaller venue. That's the thing. So if you're super keen on it, do get your tickets because it will sell out because it is a smaller. It's still at the European Beer Cafe. Mm-hmm. But the double episode is upstairs. This is going to be downstairs.

We had the legendary Ed Chandler birthday roast this year. So it's a smaller capacity. It's a lot more intimate. So yeah, get onto it if that rings your little jolly Christmas bells. It rings your little sleigh bells. Yeah, that's it. That's it. What else?

And we are going to be travelling all around the world doing live podcasts at every city in the world on Christmas night. Oh, podcast clause. I get it. Boy, that took me a while to put together. Santa pod. Yeah, hey, and you know what? This is also coming up

pretty soon. I guess we just discussed this. You know, Comedy Festival for 2017 in Melbourne is coming up. So we guess we just discussed this um you know comedy festival for 2017 in melbourne is coming up um so we're putting together little plans for you know we're going to come over to uh brisbane yep coming back to brisbane you demanded it you guys are awesome in brisbane we're obviously we're going to do melbourne we're going to do heaps of shows in melbourne so we'll we'll start to make those tickets available very soon and season passes at the very least yep awesome um and you know let's let's we need to bunker down and figure this out.

I guess maybe we might go to Adelaide again. Who knows? I don't know. Yeah. I like going for Fringe anyway. Yeah. I don't know. It's just – it just causes me too much – maybe I can come over and –

They come out in the end. You've got to admit that. Maybe I come over and just try and see the shows I missed out on all those years ago. There you go. Yeah. Okay. So we should get into Patreon. People can subscribe to support this show.

Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. If you put in $2 or more, you get your little name out at the start of the show as a little thank you. That's it. And, of course, you get that as well if you – whatever number of money you subscribe to us. Except for one. Except for one. Except for one. But if you do five, you get the magazine as well. If you do ten, you get the bonus podcast as well.

If you do, you go onto the website. You'll check out. You'll see all of those extra little things that you get when you subscribe to us. But let's keep it brief this week. You're going to get this quick and get into the episode. Yeah, let's get into the episode because people are obviously busting to get in to see how people have fucked their lives up this time. So let's do this.

Are you talking about Moon and Fiona or are you talking about us reading out names from the Patreon? That's us every week. That's us every week. So big thank you to Dominic Fitzgerald. Ah, Fitzy. Yeah. Fitzy himself.

Fitzy, Fitzy Gerald. He's a long time repeat offender on Twitter. Is he? On social media. That name rings several of my little sleigh bells. Your sleigh bells? My balls. Wow, Christmas.

Christmas themed already and we're only in November. He must have Fitzy. Dom. Anyone Fitzgerald is just automatically Fitzy. Yeah, Fitz Jezza. Jezza, I like it. Dom. I've always liked the name Dom. Do you?

Yeah, why not the name Dominique? I don't mind Dominique. I have to say I prefer the girl version. Dominique. Oh yeah? I like that. It's a good girl's name, I think. Do you like Dom as a girl, though? What? Dom Fitzgerald? No. Would I prefer him if he was a girl? Yes. The answer is yes. Oh, really?

Yeah. Wow, okay. Because I have his personal details with the Patreon and I could try and hit on him. Yeah. Oh, I never thought of that. Oh, I've thought of it. From now on, if I read a particularly sexy name for a girl, you can have the email address. Okay, great. Thank you.

You can have the email address. Like, you're just filtering my sex life for me. Well, you don't have it. I've got it. It's here. You don't have it. So I'll need to give it to you at some stage. Well, I'm going to go back through all the old names to see who's got the sexiest name.

Who's got the horniest name. But, you know, it's just too bad that mainly it's only guys that listen to this show. No. No. It is a – you know what? I think I looked up the stats on – at least on Facebook. I think it's two-thirds guys, one-third girls. Yeah, I did.

It's actually interesting you bring it up because I was thinking about it the other day at the Perth gig. I did a scan of the room and I had a fucking sausage fest in here. Was it? Yeah. Okay. There were a few lovely young ladies there in attendance. It is. You know what, I always focus on the girls because I just think, what are you doing here?

So I noticed that there's definitely girls there. Well, there's a lot of begrudgingly being dragged along by a boyfriend. I did see a bit of that in Perth, I thought. Yeah, a lot. Yeah. Yeah, and it's often – I often get like couples will come up and the guy's talking and so they're both at the show so you kind of assume, well, you know, you must listen to it

so you involve them both in the conversation. Yeah. And then the girl always reaches a point Where she goes I've got no idea What you're talking about I've never listened To this before Having said that

I have definitely Had many occasions Where the opposite Has happened as well Oh really Okay right Especially in Text media

In text media form In text Text message form Emails and stuff like that There's plenty of girls That have said Yeah they make Their partner listen

And they sort of get it I thought you were Going to say they make their partner listen and they sort of get it. I thought you were going to say they make their partner squirt after last week's conversation. We did get a couple of messages, thanks to all those people who chipped in to let us know that they either squirt or they make someone squirt. Fuck, man. Should we even continue with this sort of stuff? Here's the thing. Can I just say, this is the first time that we've ever done one of these at your house when your girlfriend is also in the house. I feel very self-conscious about this. So do I. first time that we've ever done one of these at your house when your girlfriend is also in the house. Yeah.

I feel very self-conscious about this. So do I. I don't like this. She is hiding at the moment, so that's good. But should we do this? Because I had a bit of correspondence with the gentleman concerned with that nickname. If you listened to last week's, last episode. Oh, yeah, he messaged us.

Paul McWhirter. He text messaged me. So should I read out the message that he sent me? If you think it's funny, then sure. Well, look, hopefully it'll just put an end to the squirting conversation. Okay. So he text messaged me, Hey, Carl, this is Paul Squirter McWhirter

And he rang several times No he got it the wrong way around It was McWhirter the Squirter It's not Squirter in commas No but that's Well look This is his story Yeah I know

Who are we to say Because he also tried to ring me And I was like Just a shout out to all the listeners That's where I draw the line Don't Don't try and talk to the talent please Text message is where I draw the line Hey't Don't try and talk To the talent please Text message

Where I draw the line Hey wait You were telling me before This new Because you've moved house This house that you're in You don't get reception here You're complaining about that

Yes Seems like the end To all your problems You don't get service They can't call you You're like What can I do about this I think just leave it

Yeah Well just chuck my phone Out the window Finally some peace So he said I just said Look hey I'm at dinner. Have you got some sweet content for me? He said, I can tell you all about being called squirter for all my life.

It is certainly content. All right. And he goes, he said, you cunts have opened some repressed memories. I don't even want to hear your voice after all that. If you think any of this is worth it, go for your life. Otherwise, don't ever say my name again. Also, here's a testament to the records I've been keeping for the Patreon. Oh, and that's the third time you've read my name out.

And it's taken you three fucking times to come up with squirty, you gronks. So he didn't go in. Oh, so I thought we were going to get a story about like what the repressed memories here it comes okay great it's a it's a massive message great great i can't believe this when people type out like this is like a proper long email yeah who can be fucked although you can use you can use our messages on your computer so he may have sat down and i this out. I hope so. Because I really think even less of you, Squirter, if you've sat for this long and typed out this. The Paul Squirter McWhirter story. This is a great short intro we're doing this week. Have we hit 10 minutes yet?

Yeah, we're on 13. All right. Well, once we do this, you know what? Once we do this, we'll get out. Okay, cool. Add dicks and start beating him. Whoa. Is that the name of the next one?

Thanks, Get. That's a quick start beating him. Whoa. Is that the name of the next one? Thanks, Get. That's a quick one. That's the second one. So the Paul Squirter McWhirter story. All dad's mates called me Squirter because I was the little McWhirter. He's dad's mate. Fucking hell. Imagine getting bullied by your dad's friends.

I was the little McWhirter. Made sense as a kid. My dad even had a bottle opener engraved with Squirter McWhirter. It was a gift, I'm told. First time I noticed the sexual connotation was when I was 10. I mean, this sounds like a letter to Penthouse. This sounds like some of the stories I've been putting together for the live episodes. I jumped into

an open chat room with the username Squirter69. Squirter was already taken. And, listen, Squirter was taken and the chat suggested that new name to me. So he's saying he didn't know what Squirtle was and he didn't know what 69 was.

He didn't know what Squirtle was. So he goes, cool, I'll use it as my nickname in this chat room. And he didn't know what 69 was either. I wish I was joking. I didn't know what 69 was either. I wish I was joking. I had no idea what 69 was either. Is that a sheltered childhood? No idea. I soon found out.

I think it's more fucked up if you do know what 69 is at a certain age. But it is funny to go in with the name Squirt of 69 into a chat room and then be like, what's happening, guys? Anyway, so on with the story. Why do all these old men keep hitting me up? So, anyway, I was chatting with other people with the names like Pikachu178657.

Shout out to Pikachu. Thanks, Pic. Thanks, Pic. Thanks for subscribing. And SuperCyanMitch. Thanks, Supes. And stuff about Game Boy games in school while I copped older kids saying, I bet you are.

And ha-ha, squirter, and where do you live? In year seven, my year 11 oldest student to help me out dude laughed and immediately yelled, squirter, when he was assigned to me in front of the other teachers. So he got reassigned and I no longer had an older student to help me out anymore. And so that was my nickname in high school until a teacher misread my name so horrendously two years later and I became McMurtry. That's how bored everyone got of Squirter.

McMurtry. McMurtry. Oh's how bored everyone got of Squirter. McMurtry. McMurtry. Oh, that'll stick. Yeah, but what a blessing for him. He's off the hook. Squirter, that is the... Is that the full saga? That's the full Paul Squirter McWhirter story.

Thanks, Paul. Thanks, Paul. Thanks for writing in. Let's thank him a fourth time. Yeah, thanks, Squirts. Until next time where I forget about him and we read it all out again. Let's thank Paul McWhirter every week from now on. Yeah.

He can become the official mascot of this podcast. He can be the official sponsor that pays us nothing. Yeah, McWhirter the Squirter. Okay, should we leave it at that? We'll leave it at that. Yeah, we'll leave the rest of them until next time. Okay, so this episode with Lawrence Mooney and Fiona O'Loughlin you'll know

if you've listened in the past particularly the first one that we did there is some stuff in this where we talk about a bit about depression

and all sorts of adult things that we don't usually addiction yeah like when we say adult content it's not squirting

it's stuff much more serious that is it is still adult content but you know if this is the first time you stumbled across this podcast, maybe if you jumped in somehow off this one, maybe go back and listen to some of the other ones if you like this episode and even if you don't like it. Yeah.

So, yeah, just as a bit of a warning, which we did the first time we did one of these episodes, there is stuff in here that may, you know, if you've had issues with that sort of stuff, if you don't like hearing about this sort of stuff in particular, maybe sit this one out. But yeah, I think this is a great episode,

I think. Yeah, I totally think it is. It is a grown up episode. There's still plenty of us being fucking idiots in it. Yeah. To lighten the load a little bit. A little bit of sugar on the teaspoon to help it down.

Yes. But Fiona opened right up to us and shared this, you know, pretty amazing story with us and, yeah, you're going to hear all of that. Yeah, we're very privileged for us to – she came to us and went, this has all happened to me and I want to tell it on your – specifically on your show. Yeah. Because of all the feedback.

You know what? All the lovely feedback that you guys gave Fiona from previous episodes. She absolutely loved all that stuff. By the way, I just realised what she talks about in this, this could potentially be news. And any journalist that's pulling quotes out of this is going to have to sit and listen through to a conversation about squirting before they get to it.

Paul McWhorter, we're about to make you famous. squirting before they get to it. Paul McWhorter, we're about to make you famous. What if that... All journos are listening to this thing. If people hear about it, it's like, oh, we better get the scoop from this podcast. And then... So they just take that bit out and put it in like Dolly Doctor.

Yeah, we get some sweet new gig running for Dolly. Yeah. We're Dolly Doctor. We're in the sealed section. And it's because Paul McWhorter sealed it with his... No, anyway. Jesus. All right, guys.

Enjoy this episode with Lawrence Mooney and Fiona O'Loughlin. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little D-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Now people, regular listeners may remember a couple of weeks ago we were talking about this harebrained stunt where we may have been taking the podcast over to Thailand.

Yes. We're doing this... I would take back the harebrained bit and the stunt bit and replace those words with the best idea of all time. Tomato, tomato. Yeah. So we're doing this podcast at an as yet undisclosed location, somewhere we haven't done it before. Yes.

You gave me the address. I turn up. What do you think is at the very front of this building? A fucking flight centre. And I honestly got there and thought, there's no podcast, is there? This is it. You've just put the jump on me. You're forcing me at gunpoint to go in and book these fucking flights.

And as soon as we got there, I was like, great idea. I saw you at the front of it and I thought, yeah, this could win him over. This is looking good. Just gazing in the window, looking at the little displays in there. That would be nice. We were standing there and there were people, this is in the city, this is a CBD, people were walking by and this is a thing I do regularly these days where people walk by and you get that, doing this podcast, we get a lot of listeners now.

So we've got that tiny little part of... We're up to eight now. Yeah, tiny little bit of celebrity, right? So someone walked past and gave us a bit of a second look, a bit of a double take, and I was like, here we go. And generally I look out for that. If someone looks a bit nerdy or a bit like they've got no friends and they look at me, I go, yeah, you probably listen. You're probably going to keep looking at me.

To be fair, we were jacking each other off in the street at the time. Yeah, and it was a cop doing the double take, and I was like, I bet he listens. I'm a big fan, are you? Yeah, yeah, we'll sign some autographs. So anyway, he came over and started talking to us and he was a listener and I said, we're actually about to do a recording right

now. And he's like, oh, right now? An episode upstairs? I was like, yeah. And he said, who was it? Can I know? Is it a secret? I said, it is the most absolute favourite, most popular pairing of all time. Sammy J and Randy. No. And he guessed most absolute favourite, most popular pairing of all time. Sammy J and Randy.

No. And he guessed exactly right. The people who are on this episode who are. Wow, this is like the opening sketches on Saturday Night Live when it leads into them saying live from New York. Do it. I'm trying to say you are. Welcome back onto the program, Lawrence Mooney and Fiona O'Loughlin. Did that really happen?

It's good to be here. So, walk me through it. That's fun. We just did. Did you just tune in at the end? So, he... You only tuned in when you thought, that might be about me, that story. When you heard O'Loughlin.

I just don't know how a podcast gets recognised. Like, so, he's looked at you and thought, he's put it all together. Well, they work live as well, these guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With their faces. We're heavy on the social medias. Our pictures are all over that sort of stuff. Yeah, this isn't the podcast of the online group Anonymous.

Like, our pictures are out there. Sorry, I've got all confused with my 12 steps. You're not on TISM's podcast. Like, we don't wear masks the whole time. Well, so the kind of unspoken thing in this story is that there's a listener out there of the show who now knows where Fiona O'Loughlin lives. Oh, right. No, who now thinks that Fiona O'Loughlin lives at Flight Center.

I forget that there's the most beautiful apartments in Melbourne, and this is one of them. Isn't that a river? This is tremendous. I know. Yeah. I won't give the address away But there's some wonderful buildings With apartments in them One main street

Yeah So Fiona Wow hello Back Where have you been? Can we talk about where you've been? So the last six months I mean I've been

What have you been up to Tommy? I've been basically Just running the comedy rooms Doing a few gigs here and there Yeah I went to Japan I've just been hanging out I went to Thailand Probably three or four times

Moon you've been out and about Doing a few gigs Doing a TV show or two Fiona you Anything? How was jail? It was You know it was pretty close

To Look I've been in a therapeutic community Right For six months And now this isn't a commonly known thing Like sometimes Things will happen to you And they'll be all over the paper So I This is I've been in a therapeutic community for six months. And now this isn't a commonly known thing. Like sometimes things will happen to you and they'll be all over the paper. So I don't think at the moment anyone has been saying, you know, Fiona Lockham's been, you know, out of the picture or anything.

No, nobody knows. And I love the way I only told Dum Dum Club. It's just you two. So supportive. Because we've been through a bit of a journey together. Yes. I mean, this time last year you were on life support. Yes.

A bit earlier in the year. Yeah, this time last year. Then you got off life support and they said, yeah, your liver collapsed. And you thought, I know what I'll do. I'll go and have a drink to celebrate. And the last time I saw you, Lawrence, was when it was – I attempted to work after – see, the thing is I physically, you know, died last year, as you guys know. So who is playing you tonight?

Daniel Day-Lewis? It's a – what is it? A cell. They saved some cells and built this. Oh, right. It's a clone. It's a clone. Like Jurassic Park.

A mosquito that once bit Fiona O'Loughlin. Just without the attic, Jane Park A mosquito that once bit Fiona O'Loughlin Just without the addict gene A mosquito that once bit Fiona O'Loughlin And then once it got out of its coma But the thing was When I came out of You know Recovering from that

I thought Oh I'm better Like I just thought Everything has fixed itself No Because it was miraculous Like we

There was a thing where we thought that was it. You were in a coma and that was it. And we were all like, this is the end. This is horrible. This is the worst. And then all of a sudden, you were, appearances were you were right as rain. Yeah, and it was a physical miracle. Like, they only gave me 1%.

Not that I was there to receive that news. No, your family came from all over Australia. Yeah, and you were there. We were there bedside. We? Yeah, Lawrence was there to receive that news. No, your family came from all over Australia. Yeah, and you were there. We were there bedside. I think. We? Yeah, Lawrence was there. Mary said, my youngest said, Fiona, my mum loves the sound of Lawrence's voice, so

he had to come in and talk to me while I was in the coma. I hope you didn't have anything on. Where have you left the money? Not on. No, I did that to you when you were coming out of your coma in rehab. Oh, you kept coming. I just have these hazy memories of you going. The Austin Hospital.

Yeah, where's the money? Where's the money, Fiona? Don't tell anyone else. Don't trust them. Only me. And fleeting. And fleeting. And I thought that was, I was in some weird dream.

You know, I didn't know what was real. We're doing a bit of Marathon Man. We've broken you out. You're safe now. Now, where are the diamonds? I remember being so miserable in there and looking at that bloody Olivia Newton-John Wellness Centre. For some reason.

She's doing great. That got under my skin. I hated that building. I hated looking at it. And I was being weird about it. There was a building for her husband, but that went missing. They think it's in Mexico. The Olivia Newton-John Husband's Wellness Centre.

Where has that building gone? I don't know. I've seen that. What was left of my mind, thought I was being quite articulate, making jokes about the Olivia Newton-John Wellness Centre that I was staring at night and day, and then the doctors came past

and I had another, you know, spiel about the Olivia Newton John Wellness Centre and I remember saying to my older sister Genevieve she was at the foot of the bed and I said these bloody doctors they've got no sense of humour and she's sitting there in my mind she's got a bonnet on and she's cross stitching you know but

she goes you're not here to make people laugh like they'd had it with me you can save your jokes you just put us through hell not only have they had it with me. You can save your jokes. You just put us through hell. Not only have they had it with you, everyone has. And everyone of you can turn free. So welcome back.

You're starting at open mic level. Yeah. And you're going to have to rebuild it all again. You're actually not even a big enough name for us to release this podcast. This is a practice podcast for when you get it together again. Yeah, this is a demo. This is your trial. This is called podcasting.

That's happened, hasn't it? People have been introducing it. Did you know there's phones? I haven't had a lobotomy. In a health In a community for 160 days It was a So you've been away at some stage

After that you came out of hospital I had a nervous breakdown after the coma It was post traumatic stress Because we had you on the podcast after that After you'd been out of hospital So we have seen you since then But then you went Out of hospital and everything. So we have seen you since then but then you went... Out of hospital and after the coma or...? Should we

quickly say for any new or recent listeners this is number five in a series of episodes that we've done. In a trilogy of... A number five in a trilogy! TRI. Charles from Maryborough. What does the word trilogy mean?

I know it. I want to hear you say it. Quadrilogy. That's quintology. Quintology. Quintology. Quintology. Quintanology.

We have had you guys on a number of times. This is the fifth time that you've been on together and we have a bit of a habit of getting into some pretty dark territory with these episodes. The first one was suicide, I think. Yep. Then we went sex. Yep.

Religion. Yep. I'm not sure what the fourth one was, but I assume that we're tackling addiction. That's what I would assume. I think today would be addiction. Oh, okay. This is interesting, guys.

So Fiona's come out of a, what do you call it? Well, look, it's one of the toughest rehabs in the country. It was interstate, oh, New South Wales-ish. Well, ACT. Toughest rehabs. So is it lockdown? Are you locked in? You can leave if you want to?

Most people are there on parole. Like, that's how tough it is. So they come. On parole? Yeah. It's last chance city. So just to track back a tiny bit, so you just said you had a nervous breakdown

After we saw you last And that is what made you Enter this facility Oh no We don't care about your life We just want the narrative of the podcast to be clear A little bit happened before I had Between having the nervous breakdown

And going to the Oh yeah The last time I saw you You were in New Zealand And I was With a self-styled Well Drug counsellor. Yeah, and he turned out to be...

A rapist. He was clearly just the worst person. No, he was a drug dealer. I was in a drug den. Because I had that feeling about him because you were off chops. And I was like, this is my guru. And I was like, okay, I'm just going to watch this unfold. He's wearing high-vis and he's got okay i'm just going to watch this unfold and um he's wearing high vision he's i said so what is because he had a self-styled drug rehab i a shooting gallery somewhere well

a girlfriend of mine took me to his place and she said he's a healer she and she takes me there and cult leader svengali oh there's two types of cult leaders You're into slavery or you're in a rape camp. Anyway, I said to him, because we're going back to the hotel, so let's just call him Doug. Doug, you know, what kind of therapy do you use? And he goes, I fight your addiction to whatever you've got with the opposite. And I said, well, you know, maybe I've got into trouble with alcohol a few times. How would you deal with that?

He goes, I'd give you ice. And I said, oh. How did you say that? I said, oh, right. And so what happens then, he goes, because alcohol's a depressant and ice is a stimulant, I fight that. And I said, then I become an ice addict. And then he said, yes, but then I'll give you.

Give you alcohol. ...my homeopathic self-styled remedies... Almost water. ...to cure you of your ice addiction, i.e. he's an ice dealer in a shooting gallery recruiting vulnerable people. Wow. And when Lawrence Mooney's looking at a situation and going,

this behaviour seems a bit excessive. All this dodgy shit is going on. Well, I thought you were a bit icy that day in New Zealand. I thought you were jumpy and all over the joint, unless you were just completely losing your mind. What were you guys doing in New Zealand? Who books that?

We were doing Best Bits for Channel 7 over here, and it was originally a New Zealand concert. Sounds like you were doing a few best bits. Oh, my God. Best bits. And so Channel 7 bought the idea but thought, well, you produced it in New Zealand, you produced it over there.

So we'd head over there and it was a show with myself, the New Zealand guy that actually hosted it in New Zealand who I think did a shit in his pants because you were just like all over him, attacking him and he didn't know what to do. And he's Franklin. Oh, God, I've got to talk to Heath. I have to say, I feel bad.

I feel like we were getting into some interesting stuff and I was just trying to be a smartass and now I'm getting genuine information about this TV show. Oh, sorry. You do not need to answer that, honestly. It's fine. So I was texting, do you think that maybe smoking ice and having a beer is a good idea

just to go onto the set? And he's like, I would just shotgun a can and do a bucket bong. We're talking about show prep off the back of your show preparation. Oh, right. We were mocking you. You were mocking me. But then... No, I definitely didn't do it. Was that the end of the line? Was that like, okay, into rehab now?

Oh, no, it got so much work. Oh, so you stuck with Doug for a bit? No, no, I left Doug after that but I was homeless after that. Life absolutely came to a... How did you find Doug? My girlfriend took me to him. She'd taken me to him a few months before to read my cards or something.

Or something. Then when... Oh, look, it's all such a blur. It was about four months of me... Because I was literally homeless and I... Hang on, homeless in New Zealand? No, no, I just went to New Zealand... Now everyone's homeless there.

...for a gig in amongst all this. And it was to be my last gig until I went through what I had to go through, which is long-term rehab, you know? And so just more and more rock bottoms unfolded. And I thought... Any performances in that time? No. You were just going to people's... You were going to fans' houses, weren't you?

Yeah. Fans were hitting you up on social media saying come out to our place and shit. Oh, really? So you were just jumping on... And have a drink. Couch surfing. Couch surfing. I ended up in some of the weirdest. To be honest, this is your lowest point. This sounds like what we do all the time.

Except we can't get on Best Bits. Yeah. That guy in front of your building, he gets $100 each. And another rock bottom. I stayed at a fan's house and Carl and Tommy were like, oh, that's our life. Have you still got their number? And finally I realised I had hit absolute rock bottom.

I was doing another episode of The Dumbest Guy. I just, I couldn't, like, not that I was really even present mentally. You know, I was completely broken in my mind. I don't... So I didn't know where this ended. I was just like, OK, so I strapped myself onto a getaway train some years ago, which you kind of alluded to on Australian Story, and when it crashes, where does it...

I was already on the train, this is going to crash, I don't fuck knows where. And all of a sudden, for some unknown reason, and I still don't understand how... I know there was help from Emily and my sister getting me, because I knew long-term rehab was, like, the only thing. But the thing is, you can't just put your hand up and go, oh, I'm ready to go to long-term rehab,

because they're not there, they're not open. And the other thing is, you can't just put your hand up and go, oh, I'm ready to go to long-term rehab, because they're not there. They're not open. And the other thing is, I think, and I might be taking liberties here, but addicts that I know generally just... Are you calling me an addict? Well, sorry, have I gone too far? Can I still hang around here? Come on.

I've got a little bit to say about addicts after this. Your one. I've got a little bit to say about addicts after this. Yeah. Your one. I would say being an addict comes hand in hand with being in denial. And so there would have been quite a bit of you not putting your hand up to go to rehab anyway. Yeah, isn't that the point?

If you're able to go, hey, rehab for me, please. Yeah, you're right, Carl. It's the only disease, and it fucking is a disease, and I've argued that it isn't and I've changed my story there right because it's the only disease that will actively tell you daily that you don't have a disease right you know and it's a disease that is actively also trying to kill you yep like and if you throw in ego like mine you know go like mine, you know, I'm an addict's, you know, delight.

Yeah. Because, and this kind of life that I'm in of accolades and, you know, people patting me on the back. Yeah. You know, it's. Shit house showbiz. Yeah. Yeah. It's no fucking wonder.

Yeah. But what I, so getting back to wanting to get into long-term rehab the system is so overloaded and fleety of all people but i did take of all people but i did take on what he said he did say to me once if you're ever going to long-term rehab whatever you do don't go private and see i've always gone private and also what have you got 20 bucks the cost because they make you work you see where i've been it's like recalibrating your whole self. Like, no, you don't get to lie around in a comfortable room of your own. Like, I've shared a room with four other alcoholics for the past six months.

You know, you get up at seven o'clock. Yeah, this is Carl and Tommy's life. Yeah. I've been cleaning dunnies. Hang on, have you gone back to uni? So cleaning dunnies is kind of like discipline, working all day long. And the hardest bit, I'm jumping now,

but I just want to go back to this getting in bit. I had to, and in and of myself, all of this, I've lost my mind. I, yes, had been living in this drug den. Not that I was, I don't know what I took. But you were in there, so you can tell the story. Was it squalid and awful? It was so squalid. Like with this Doug dude?

Yeah. Right. Do you know what my morning ritual was? Getting the rabbit shit out of my boots. Because there was a rabbit in the house. Of course there was. If a donkey had come through the front door, I would have just gone,

there's a donkey. The people that came in and out of that place were horrific and they were all, in hindsight, now I get it, they were all ice addicts. Thank God. But do they recognise you? You're living in squalor. Were people coming in going,

excuse me, have you got any merch? I want to buy a tea towel in one of your fucking books, you slut? Oh, no! Can you do the one about the yellow pages again? Can you? Not happy, Jan. Hey, everyone, come and have a look.

It's Jan. Do you know Jemoan? There was some pretty big things. Yeah, it was really dangerous, but by then I didn't give a shit. Who knew me? My life was over, Carl. Right. Like I'm – this is – it's all over.

Yes, I mean, yes, I used to be a comedian. But my – I couldn't ever see that this would happen, that I'd be back here talking with you on a podcast. So you thought that was it. Oh, fuck yeah. So was there bleak times where you're thinking, fuck, I'm going to end it? Absolutely. Is this in Adelaide? Bleaker than bleak gets. Yeah, it was Oh, fuck yeah. So was it bleak times? Were you thinking, fuck, I'm going to end it? Absolutely.

Is this in Adelaide? Bleaker than bleak gets. Yeah, it was in Adelaide. So this is after because I remember you came to a live show and you were staying with your parents at that time. So that's obviously, that's happened after that. At some stage you've left your parents. Yeah, left my parents because.

Good on you. It's good to be independent. Do they come around every Sunday for a roast? Baby steps and you don't want to rush into these things. How old are you? What had happened previously to all of this? Which I was booked to do, what's the thing in the jungle? I'm a celebrity.

I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. Yes. Really? Oh, yeah. I was supposed to. This was going to save my life This was going to turn everything around

But something in me When in reality That's what you're saying In the drug den Yeah and that's what I end up doing I'm a celebrity Get me the fuck out of here I end up going to the

You know The nth degree of survival You know Yeah Without the $160,000 Bam bam I reckon you've done it a better way. That would have made a much more interesting show.

They should switch it one season and it's just like, these celebs, they think they're going to go live it up in the jungle and all of a sudden they're in a crack den for a month. Yeah, in Adelaide. I've got to say, I think you've come out of, are you allowed to name the institution? No, you'd be smarter not to. Give them a shout out.

We'll get them on board as a sponsor. Let's call it Stockholm. Let's call it... You've come out of Stockholm and I think there's a degree of arrogance about you and your addiction, to tell you the truth. Well, we haven't got all the way through it. I was texting with you the other day and I said, you said, how are you going? I said, I think I'm, you know,

giving it too much of a nudge. Just a, you know, classic old fucking addict. And you said, I don't think you are an addict. It would have fucked you over by now. Nine nights. Hey, hey. Read that in a nicer voice and it's a different message. I'm like, I don't think you are an addict.

It would have fucked you over by now. Oh, right. I thought, oh, I can't be a member of the club because I've got 160 days in the garden. Hey, how much rabbit shit in your boots, mate? You just go off with your little problem and your mental illness.

Go and deal with it on your own. Oh, my God. Go and have your slabber, as I call it, breakfast, you fucking amateur. I used to think you were cool, Lawrence. Welcome to the Ibis, Mr. Northern. You know, that was me being overly worried about thinking I know it all now. You're probably right, though.

But so we've jumped ahead a little bit, so let's go back in the timeline. So you're living in this hovel. Drug den in Adelaide. Hey, hey, it's called Adelaide. At some point one of the girls in there. There's so many dad jokes just flying thick and fast. This is how close I got to being on the front page of the first story in the fucking nightly news.

There was a girl in the bedroom next to me in the drug den, right, and she'd had a fight with one of her friends. So she rang her uncle. Someone – yeah. And he sent a hitman over to kill that person. What? And there's the federal police knocking on the door. It's the views of Fiona who don't represent the views of the little dumb-dumb club,

by the way. Don't name the institute you were in but by all means let's talk about this. Talk about

the world bigger. Just so you know there's no rehabs that are going to put a bullet in

our brains so you can name them if you want. I don't want to get the rehab

offside. They might namaste me the shit out of here. Remember when that rehab... Name a fucking name, Tony Soprano. Remember when that rehab starred in Underbelly?

That's not beautiful. Jesus Christ. I'm so as dumb as I ever was. Underbelly, the skids. You just see someone being riddled with bullets. So something in me said, I think I'd better get out of here. I'd better hightail it out of here. I think we're about to hit our lowest point after this episode goes out.

I think we might make the nightly news now. You're in a shooting gallery of the most squalid conditions. There's ice addicts everywhere. There's violence. Someone's just been whacked. And you're commentating to yourself like it's an ended Blight novel. I should get out of here. This isn't

tea and cake. Come on punk. Come on, Noddy, let's go. What are the famous five going to do about this one? Where's Mr. Saucepan Head? I wasn't thinking straight. You were way up the far away. Those Banksy men have gone too far this time. Five get iced in Adelaide.

Yeah, I remember that book. Oh, my God. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, Jesus. It's just like that. How low do you want to get? And then I went to my parents' house. So you left there.

You had the good sense to leave the hovel. It wasn't good sense. It was like I could die. Sounds like good sense to leave the hovel. That doesn't good sense. It was like, I could die. Right. Like, by... Sounds like good sense to me. Yeah. Did you get your youth hostel card back before you left? Rating.

So I've got this... Did they charge you for the mini bar at the end or...? How many Toblerones did you eat while you were in there? Refill the ice tray, like, literally. Oh, God. But it was like everywhere I turned, I'm like, this is getting worse. This is the shittest Airbnb I've ever been to. My family didn't want to know me. That's the rock bottom you've got to hit where, like,

they won't let you in their home. Like, it's just like there was just nothing. So, yeah, then I'm with you. So, now, to be fair, like your family, they would have obviously have tried heaps of times, but you've obviously stretched their patience way too much to get to that stage. Yeah.

Yeah. And I remember I was staying at mum and dad's and, yeah, had there been a shotgun out the back of their place, I would not be here. Right. I would, yeah, have. Where would you be? In God's arms, Lawrence.

Oh, that sounds wonderful. That's part of your head. But it was just like... Anyway, I was off the source there, but just like... And that was the point that we saw you when we were over there doing a show where you were staying with them? Oh, and I came to the Rhino Room? Yeah.

See that? I don't remember that. Oh, really? Well, you should download our podcast. Is Fiona on it or just in the crowd? No, you came along and you were on the show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on the show.

And then you came back to Heckle Carl's show at the end. Yeah. Did I? Yeah. You said some very nice words, which I now know are under the influence. No, I wasn't under the influence at all then. I was just so lost. Like I was, a lot of of this time Except for the drug then

To be honest when you volunteered When you hit me up to want to come along I did think there's a problem here Where you're wanting to come to our podcast Just for something to do People like you don't usually We have to twist people's arms to come to our show And you're like please have you got anything to do

Hey Carl I'm coming home with you tonight Where are you guys going tonight? Out to dinner. We've been through this already, haven't we? So I had to call every Thursday. The thing was to get into this place, I had to call every Thursday and I have no idea how I got hold of a phone and made that call every Thursday.

And I remember I just kept ringing this place. To get into this rehab place, you have to call them every Thursday. Oh, really? The waiting list is like months and months. Sounds like an open mic. And I couldn't get in. Sounds like the Meredith Music Festival. You didn't get the ballot, sorry.

Every Thursday I'd ring them and they'd take it to the staff meeting because there were so many addicts all around the country, like desperate for a bed. And these beds, it's not a flash place like desperate to come in and clean their toilets and make you and cook your own food does it cost is that expensive it takes your um centrelink like are you in medicare yeah talk about rock bottom i've been to centrelink in this time as well right and i said to em Emily, Emily was with me at the time, and I said... Colin, Tommy can hear you. I remember going to Centrelink near Mum and Dad's place.

I thought I recognised you. Just in all this horrible time, this rock bottom time, and I had to go to Centrelink and... For unemployment benefits. Yeah, because I had nothing. What is it now? 600 a fortnight. Yeah.

That's what we get for Patreon, I believe. It's a Patreon subscription every... Pretty much is. Yeah. How stupid is this? Because I hate lines. I hate queues. You know, it's boring, isn't it?

Yeah, when you're starving and you're queuing for soup. Yeah. This is bullshit. From what I heard, you don't hate lines at all. Why don't the UN just... Yeah. I wish you liked the line and left the heap line. I said to Emily, I said to Centrelink in Canina,

I said, I really don't want to be waiting around here too long. I hope they recognise me. Oh, nice. Emily goes, really? You want to be recognised in Centrelink? Yeah, get a black card. Get your black card. You're like a celeb card at Centrelink.

Very nice. Seriously, that can go one of two ways. I got a new licence recently, and I know the look when somebody knows who you are and they fucking hate you. The woman at Vic Rose is like... Licks the teeth. I'm going to fuck you up somehow. Have you got this?

Yeah. Safe driving course? Yes. Are you back driving, man? Yeah, I've got my licence. Oh, nice. So, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you want to pay For a three year

Or a ten year A hundred dollars extra Yeah ten year On paper This all sounds Very reasonable To be honest with you All very reasonable

And then she goes Now it's time To take your photo Smile if you want So I'm looking At the camera And she waits And waits and waits

And I just feel My eyes blink And she goes No way I was like Oh you fucking cunt. That is a tragedy. Very comparable to what Fiona's been through.

Yeah, but there's parallels here. Can I have a look at the photo? And she goes, no, it's fine. We'll send it to you in eight working days. I get the photo. My eyes are closed. But one is just closing So it looks like You're on the nod

I'm retarded Oh no way Can we see it? What a bitch And she knows I'm not with me But she waited Waited

Waited And was like I'm smiling And then She just could sense The eyelids going And just went Ka-choo

It's like Oh She got you. Got you. But see, there's parallels here with you losing your licence. Like you losing your licence in terms of Fiona's story was you in the coma and now this is it, you're back. And this is like you're out of the coma, you're in free fall

and you don't even know it. Yeah. There's something else coming, I reckon. When you say something else coming, like a haystack or a large spike let's find out a big barrel donkey i think you're right i'm waiting for the next big thing there's been a couple of things reach a natural end this year dirty laundry live wasn't returned by the abc then i had moon man in the comedy showroom that wasn't selected selected. They've gone with Ronnie Ching's International Student and The Letdown featuring Alison Bell.

So that's kind of like a full stop. And so there's all these full stops that are happening where it's like, okay, what's the next big thing? And it's kind of nice to be, as you say, young man, in free fall. Plus I'm also high on a quaalude. Well, if you need more, I believe Fiona knows someone in Adelaide. Oh, yeah. I'm going to stay with my therapist, Doug, in Adelaide.

Oh, my God. I was insane. Yeah. So, back to the Fiona. Back to you signing up for your Canberra open mic rehab. Yes. So, I get there in the middle of the night. How do you get there?

By bus. I caught a bus. Overnight to Canberra? Yeah. From Adelaide? Yeah. Prior to that, I went. What's the induction like?

I was just, oh, my God. I think it's taking a bus from Adelaide to Canberra. That's as low as you can get. No, but the kindness of strangers. Get off the bus, asshole. Get over there Strip down Bend over

Hose her down Now get in there And clean the toilet Drunky It's like that It was a bit like that It's the start of Con Air I'm just gonna

There was There was You know kindness In one of my sisters Kate Who'd never let me go This whole time And a guy that

I then moved into an apartment, not an apartment, into a tiny little room in a house in Glenelg. He kept doing geographicals like that'll fix it, you know, and took this sad, fucked up head with me. And Kate was beside you the whole way? Well, always at the other end of the phone. She's only got how many children? Nine.

Yeah, she's just got the nine. So she's got a lot of free time and, you know, just... I mean, it's going to spend a lot of my... See the golf or look after your addict sister, you know? People's just got the nine. So she's got a lot of free time and, you know, just... I'm just going to spend a lot of my... It's either golf or look after your addict sister, you know, but people do it all the time. School pick-up, mentoring my nine children or wiping up after this fucking... So in this weird house where I was living, not the drug den,

just I was renting this tiny little room for 150 bucks a week and there was a chef there, an unemployed chef and he said to me one morning, I came out and he looked at me and he goes, my God, because you are so sad. What's the matter? Was it Gordon Ramsay? It was Gordon Ramsay.

You're so fucking sad. Fix your face up and then and then Jamie Oliver came out and he said everything be fine

yeah I could turn your head into a pumpkin bit of that bit of that bit of that he said to me one night apparently

I'd agreed to go into the Royal Adelaide and I'd gone in myself two weeks before that and this is a really tough thing when you hit rock bottom like that I went into the Royal Adelaide. I'd gone in myself two weeks before that. And this is a really tough thing when you hit rock bottom like that. I went into the Royal Adelaide completely sober and just said, I'm going to die out there. I have to be, please put me somewhere.

Because it was life and death at that point. My organs weren't strong enough to be going through this so long after I'd been clinically dead, shortly after that. This is coming out of the hovel, going into... Yeah. Yeah. And I went into the Royal Adelaide and, you know, I was crazy. I was mental.

I was so sick. And I was like, okay, I've put my hands up and I'm coming out, you know, coming out with my hands in the air, you know. But then there's nowhere to go. Like, this poor doctor at the Royal Adelaide, she cried. Like, she said, I'm really sorry. She kept me there for about six hours and she said, there's nothing we can do.

You're too well. She said, your blood results aren't great, your organs aren't great, but you're not on death's door. And I'm just like, I will die out there. There's bottle shops out there that can't be trusted in the world. And does the ego then kick in again and go, all right, well then I'll fucking show you death's door. There's no real ego happening.

I was so basic survival at that point. Like, I had no desire to live, but I knew that I couldn't commit suicide. You know, that wasn't... What were you eating? Nothing. I was so skinny. Man, there's so many 24-hour bakeries in Adelaide. What a waste.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't do a fucking thing. They're so good though. So then I came up with this. I remember that next time. What a shout-out that would have been for Bakery on O'Connell. Down and out in Beverly Hills. It's like that.

You kind of, like if I was a man, I'd have a beard. Well, I did have a small beard. But it was, and then eventually I came up with this idea and I was just like, I'll tell them I'm insane. I was looking at women's shelters, like, during the day, begging to get into a women's shelter and I couldn't get in. And so then I went back to the Royal Adelaide – At any stage do people go, but you're Fiona O'Loughlin.

Yeah, but I know the woman at the women's shelter did. She said, isn't there anybody? And I'm like, no, because it doesn't matter when you're as ugly as I was. Like, it doesn't matter, you know, who's going to have me? So when you're in the... Who wants to be responsibility for this fucked up thing and shell of a human? Like, no one wants that. So the people that do step up, they're special.

Yeah, Kate's amazing. Like she just didn't. And Tess, my daughter, she didn't let me go either. She rang me one day and she said, I don't know. Tess still overseas? No. We're in Tess's apartment right now for people. We're in Tess's apartment and when we got here,

Lawrence said to Tess, how was overseas? And she said, that was two years ago. And I said, answer the question. And I slapped her. I gave her a good slap. Moon has known Doug for two years though, to be fair. But prior to that it had been saying, because

no, no, I haven't been drinking, da da da, you know, all these years of in and out and off the wagon. And Tess, by then the gloves were off, you know, Tess just rang me one night and she just said, look, I don't want drinking, da-da-da, you know, all these years of in and out and off the wagon. And, you know, Tess, by then the gloves were off, you know. Tess just rang me one night and she just said, look, I don't want you to die, you know. And she said, we were just both so helpless, you know, like, I don't want you to die. And I'm like, well, we both knew I was dying, you know. I don't want you to die again either. I saw you that night at the Star and Garda and that was bad enough.

That was the worst five minutes you've seen. I broke my husband's nose in two places. Once in the bathroom. No, three places. Once in the bathroom, twice in the kitchen. That wasn't good, was it? That was my early work. We'll edit that out. Just to backtrack quickly, when you're in the hovel with Doug

and those people, do your family know that you're there or are you off the grid at this point? So they're still kind of off the grid but Kate will come over. Yeah, Kate told me the story that she goes in there to try and get you out and Doug goes, no, we're in the middle of a very important program and he's becoming quite possessive. I might go as far as aggressive. I've called him a rapist already But that's just my surmise

And so He wanted to keep you In there He wanted to Create Keep this world That you know He was creating

And then they So he's a bit of a cult Leader at this point Yeah Well you know He believes he's psychic And Oh

Yeah Often has You know That cult Group Control Yeah Drugs are very often involved. Right.

So you've got your self-styled Svengali. He thinks he's a guru. He thinks he's a healer. But he's just dealing ice to kids and addicts. Yeah. Except I couldn't do it because it gives me ulcers on my tongue. So that's lucky. I just got this really sore tongue.

I was like, well, fuck that. Been awake for five days. Had sex 30 times. That tongue. It's really annoying me. I didn't become an ice addict. But I could have. I really could have.

I reckon you could have. No, I remember I got a really sore tongue. I was like, oh, no, I don't like that. I'm a booze hound, you know. Stick to what you're good at. Yeah. So then eventually I find myself, Kate turns up at this house with the chef, with Gordon Ramsay, and she said, are you ready?

And I'm like, what? And she said, you're going, we're taking you to the Royal Adelaide. You said you were coming. And I'm like, oh, I've forgotten everything. And I blew point zero at the Royal Adelaide. You said you were coming. And I'm like, oh, I've forgotten everything. And I blew point zero at the Royal Adelaide. So I'm beyond drinking now. I'm just crazy and homeless, you know. And went into the Royal Adelaide and she said she talks about,

which I did, apparently I was just talking about needing to die and all the nauseam. And so we went in there and my overwhelming desire was to get committed in an insane you know oh really which is thankfully what happened so i went to glenside for safety because i was you know and thankfully we got a doctor that understood that that was what was going to happen you know i was my i was in mortal danger So I went to Glenside and then once I was in that place, I was just like, right, now we can, I'm not leaving here until I get into a long-term rehab.

And finally a bed came up and I got on a bus and I went to Canberra and it was extraordinary. To Stockholm? It's just like I woke up the next morning, what the fuck? Why are they telling me to get up? Why am I washing toilets? Like what? So how do they speak to you?

Do they speak to you just in an interpersonal kind of standard way or? No, they speak to you really respectfully but it's what they're requiring you to do and if you argue, it's just like, I was pretty good, I didn't arc up. Is it like army? Is it like the army? Yeah, very much like that. And as I said before, people... Having been in the army, you'd know.

Well, I did go to Afghanistan. So I did go to the war for five days. Anyway, it's what they... They say advocate for your needs. Like, sure, you can argue, tell us what you think. But the answer is no. Like, you have to get out of your bed at seven and you are not allowed back into your room,

which you share with three other Alkies, until 9.30 at night. It's just non-stop, no time on your own, no reading any literature but the big book, like the AA book and na books there's one hour in the day that you have off between four and five no phones no phones no television yeah no so did you read the book yeah three times it's good it's fantastic what's the best bit the best bit is the doctor's um theory which is bill w's mate, Dr Bob. There were two alcoholics in New York that started AA in the 20s.

And so it's a 12-step program, so we had to go to meetings. What are the 12? The 12 steps? Yeah. Well, the first one is to admit that you're powerless over alcohol. The second one is to take a... ..hand your will over to a higher power. No, that's the third one.

Second one is – oh, I can't remember the rest. You're going real well. Oh, hang on. Oh, here we go. We've got cheat notes. Here we go. Tess has just flown in from overseas and brought the book over. Welcome back. Fresh off the plane.

She looks a bit jet lagged, but yeah. Yeah, so it – And thanks for the duty-free Melbourne bitters. Hey, where'd they go? Fiona. So the whole thing is about, without it, it's what we've done our whole lives. A, we do it to escape pain, but then you become this really selfish, self-centred, like you want immediate gratification for everything,

and these places are all about slowing down your immediate gratification. So if you want to make a phone call, for instance, to your son for his birthday, okay, you have to put in a submission a week before for that submission to go through to ring your son for his birthday. To be fair, you're not addicted to saying happy birthday to your son, though. I don't know why that was put in there. Well, that's why people, when they get get there they arc up over these things but the whole the bigger picture is and i good logic though that because it's all about impulse yeah yeah we have an impulse and often we answer it yeah oh and alex you know we just scratch the itch

instantly that's better and that's all we know you know so this whole um that's much better these therapeutic communities have they know what they're doing and it's most people come in and lose their minds you know having been where i went and had so much shame like and guilt and i was just like shut your mouth and do as you're told and also the beauty of it for me was that at night time i could put my head on the pillow and with the relief and you and I have talked about this, Lawrence, I remember when you were sober for a long period of time and you were trying to show me the joy of it,

you're going, just imagine waking up without shame. You'd gone nine months, your eyes were fucking on fire with the light of what it felt like. The previous day has no hold over you. It's wonderful. And the other thing that I loved about it is when you told someone, when you needed to tell someone to fuck off, you meant every inch of it. Yes.

Yes. Yeah, so. It's great. So all of this, you know, relearning and you get, oh, and the other thing was this was. I feel a bit guilty about taking these beers. Oh, no, I don't. I totally did.

No, that's okay. Fiona just looked at you and thought, poor weak man, he's just answering his impulses. He's got no impulse control. He's got no way of deferring his gratification. I'm a simple monkey. And now you can tell her to fuck off and she'll know that you don't really mean it. Yeah. Because you're a bit pissed.

No, because now all I can... I look at a beer now and I look at it and I go, isn't that great for you that you don't have the allergy that I have to that, that one will make me want 100? And all I have to do is remember what it felt like being in that drug den and being in my parents' house where they couldn't even look at me. Can I ask you just to shed a little bit of light for those people that would have heard you say,

I have an allergy to that, I would want to drink 100, how that inverse allergy works for alcoholism? Because most people would think, well, if you've got an allergy, wouldn't you be sick on the first one and not want to? You know, if you've got an allergy to eggs or wheat. Yeah, it's the, as you say, inverse allergy. And it means once you pick up, it triggers this insatiable yearning. Like you're having a beer, but if I said to you, okay, now that's it,

Tommy, you can't have any more, like you might go, oh. Fuck off. But an alcoholic. Wow, maybe I do have it. I feel really real. An alcoholic won't, like if that was me and then you'd cut me off, like I've really triggered the need for more. So that has no power over me because it's in that bottle and not inside me.

But if that's inside me. Yes. And then you say, no, you can't have any more. If that bottle's inside you. Sid's gone really crazy. That's an addiction. What if I turn into a sex addict? Oh, that's wrong.

Oh, no. Oh, dear. Don't do that with a bottle, mum. Oh, fuck's sake. I'm still on 12 bottles a night. I'm just not drinking them now. Think if that happens, Tessie's going to go back overseas.

So it's a three pronged This is all What I've learned Three pronged Here we go It's a three pronged Doug and who Were the other two It's

What's this That is so great That's 69 I love that he's Doug That is so great. At 69. I love that he's Doug. Doug's great. So you have the allergy that makes you want, you can do anything. You sell your child to have another drink. And then coupled with that is this you know, this disease of the mind

where you're obsessed with it and it's just like, where can I get more? And it's just like, it's the most exhausting state to live in. And then it's spiritual as well because then you do things like live in a drug den with that. And you can imagine the guilt and the shame involved in that. So then you've got a spiritual melody. So your head, your heart and your fucking body is fucked, right?

So you need to go, like I needed to go somewhere where everything was taken off me, you know, and begin again. Because I was a nice, funny person when I was 17, before I drank, you know. I had to learn. So first drink at 17? Oh, no, I would say 18. Yeah, I wasn't early. But see, there's people i've been

in this place with who have never like 47 year old guy that i was there with who started drinking at 12 then went on to drug use but has never known himself sober like at least i've had pregnancies you know nine months with nothing like i know who i can be like there are people out there addicts who have never even met themselves sober, which is an extraordinary. That is extraordinary. So how did they go once they, you know, sobered up? Did they just lose their shit completely? Were they all on the same sort of line as you?

Were they sort of, you know, you've obviously progressed all the way through and you've come out. Were the people that you were staying in your room with, were they all on the level? Were they getting better? Or were there various levels of success? One woman in a lot of denial. That's what fascinates me the most about this edition

because I would like to think, you know, talking to you so far is great in that, you know, we've got a great relationship with you, you know, we love you very much. It sounds like there's a but coming. No, no, no, no, no. It does to me too. A little bit. But the worst thing about before with you, you know, we love you very much. It sounds like there's a but coming. No, no, no, no, no. It does to me too. A little bit.

But the worst thing about before with you was that you would say stuff and you were very clearly in denial. And that always, that would always hit me. That would make my stomach go, a real pit in the stomach going, oh, but, oh, there's that. Yeah. And you're not going to get better Once you When you've still got the denial Yeah

And I've got other friends Very similar Where you can recognise it easily In similar problems Where they say things And that's the bit where you go You're not getting better No

You've still got that I wonder how many times I've done that to you You know like made you feel that Yeah I can imagine Yeah Because I think that that's for the

Sorry Lawrence is just getting his pillow fluffed by the carer. I've actually got quite a bad neck at the moment. One of my traps is locked up because I fell asleep on a plane. Sounds like you've had a really rough time lately. I love you, Tommy. Lawrence started nodding off on the couch. Jess went and got a pillow from her room for him And I'm complaining about falling asleep on a plane

But no, because my head's so heavy Go and clean that dunny It's fucking eight kilos of skull And it's ripped something off my spine That's a heavy head to carry around at the best of times Isn't it, that noggin? The muscle has torn away.

It's like very painful. Anyway, more about your life-threatening addiction. So when I say...

A lot of denial in your house. The woman, for instance, that was in my room, she was caught out there because of

her fifth drink driving. So she's no choice. It's either out there because of her fifth drink driving. So she's no choice. It's either that or jail. Right. Like, so... Oh, her fifth drink driving? Yeah.

All right, champion. So she's going to jail. How many have you got to go, Moon? I have only got one drink driving charge. Right. But actually, it's, you know, how most middle class people find their way into jail. Because jail's about poverty and addiction and mental illness and most people are from a lower socioeconomic band.

But the quickest way for the middle class to find their way into jail is injure someone when you're pissed behind the wheel. Right. That's very common. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I live in fear of that happening to one of my kids. Yeah. So that's what your housemate's in for? Yeah. Common. Yeah. I live in fear of that happening to one of my kids. Yeah. So that's what your housemate's in for.

Yeah. And then there were obviously heroin addicts and ice addicts. There was a couple there, ice addicts, who were from the North Shore in Sydney. They tried ice at a party, right? Twelve years later, this couple have lost the lot And their children Four kids They're a couple

They're a couple Married for twenty years Four kids later Is it that quick? Well they said Ice I think Well they're obviously addicts anyway

They were alcoholics before that Boom They were alcoholics before that And then they got into ice I didn't even know ice had been around for that long But they've lost all their children Gone to They're in foster care So a lot of people They were thereics before that, and then they got into ICE. I didn't even know ICE had been around for that long. But they've lost all their children and gone to – they're in foster care. So a lot of people there were there to get their kids back. They're on final orders with docs.

Right, that's the only way they can get their kids back. The only way they get is to do this long term. Oh, right, so this has caught a sign. I was only one of, say, six out of the 30 people there that were there voluntarily. Did you see anyone you knew there? No, but apparently Fleety's been there. Oh. Who?

I thought we were talking about drug addicts. The other thing you said about exhausting, I asked Fleety to describe the anatomy of a day of a drug addict to me. Oh, dear God. And, wow, it's busy. When you're a heroin addict And you've got to raise the money You've got to go and score the drug

And that's got to be set up very early That logistics Don't you imagine the head miles you're doing And then you've got to You know Take enough heroin to even you out So you can get on with the day Doing whatever you're doing

And then you know Save the big whack For that night at home So you can get off chops and repeat ad nauseam. Ad nauseam for the rest of your life. Until you die. Well, not ad nauseam. Daily.

You've got to ring Chandler, see if he'll give you an advance for a gig that he's booked you for. Then meet him on Riversdale Road, get that money, get back on the tram, go back to St Kilda. Yeah, again, what a tough day for you. You know, one night there, because we'd get picked up by ex-residents who lived in Canberra, and

come and pick us up and take us to AA and NA, and that's their part of giving back. And we had to go to four meetings a week. But you had a meeting every day in the place. But this guy picks us up, beautiful bloke, 30 years old. I remember thinking, oh God, he's the same age as my boy. And I was asking him about his, you know, program

and how long he'd done. He'd been there for a year. And anyway, he took us to this NA meeting. I can't remember which one it was. And then the next day, oh, did you hear about, you know, Gary? And I'm like, oh, he died last night. I had a, just thought he'd have one last hurrah on. The young man that drove you?

Yeah, the next day he's dead. It's just like stuff like that was hitting home. So what do you mean he had one last hurrah? Well, he got a year up sober and was just about to start a new job or something. And there's a problem with heroin that they go back for a last party. See, if I go back and have a drink, which I'm not going to do because I know where it ends now. Well, we've drunk them all.

But a heroin addict, I think, Lawrence, they go back to the same amount they had and that's why they often die of overdoses. So he hasn't had it for 12 months. He's built up... What's his name? Philip Seymour Hoffman did that. Yeah. Would shoot up occasionally on his own and didn't have it for 12 months. He's built up... What's his name? Philip Seymour Hoffman did that. Yeah.

Would shoot up occasionally on his own and didn't have the resistance to it. And plus, because of the shame associated with it and the fact that they've told the world they're recovering addicts, they will do it secretively. They won't do it with someone else. Right. So that's very dangerous too.

So that's what he did. He OD'd. Yeah, he OD'd accidentally. So the people I met there I will love forever. Your celebrity lasts five minutes in there, you know. And the other really extraordinary thing is the toughest bit. Everyone's walking out. I had a buddy come for 12 hours.

She was straight from jail and I was allocated to be her buddy. I was the most senior female peer at the end. Oh, you were Queen B? I was Queen B, yeah. All right. My sister Kate used to call me Lizzie. She'd bring up and go, is that you, Lizzie? Lizzie Birdsworth.

Lizzie Birdsworth, yeah. Because I was always on the lookout for her. You lagging slut. Give us the fag, will you? Did you ever slam anyone's hands in the old press? In the old closed press? I was kind of... You're lagging, bitch.

I became a bit of a mother to the younger ones. Yeah. But... No, not to them. Fuck them. But this girl came, young Aboriginal girl, and she'd come straight from prison. And she was there less than 24 hours and she's like,

no, I'm going back to jail. Oh, wow. I said, really? And she goes, yeah, you get your own TV. You know, I don't have to share a room. What do you think? Jail sounds pretty sweet. Well, apparently the ACT jail is the only human rights jail

in the country. You can smoke inside. You can do pretty much anything. But jail's not. I'm not trying to peddle that old myth that jails – Not only their freedom taken away, but all of their human rights stripped from them, turned into animals. And then once, after a long period of time, they've finished their sentence,

just released back into the community. That's a good system. Yeah, it's a great system. It works the trick. Just make a hateful, murderous animal and then open the door. So you're incarcerated, you're in lockdown, you get hosed down. Did you shiv a stoolie? Did I what?

Did you shiv someone in the showers? No, no, I did. You think you're smart, don't you? There was a hierarchy in there and it was a bit scary and tense at times. But I defined this, like I had to fucking stand up for myself. Did you go and just smash someone in the face on the first day? No, you do it in treatment.

Like treatment is like, you think, oh, well, I've got this to show you about myself, I think. I'll bring this to treatment. And they're like, no, no, no, we see this, you know. And at first they're like, my treatment issues was as a people pleaser. I'm thinking, oh, that's good. You know, that's a nice thing to be. It's like, no, not really.

It's manipulative and it's like they fucking tell you exactly what you are. That's where the hierarchy is in treatment. Yeah, in treatment. You're a liar. Yeah. Cool. So they had to break you down. You would have in treatment. You're a liar. Yeah. Cool. So they had to break you down. You would have loved me.

You would have loved watching it, Lawrence, because they have to break you down. They pull you to pieces. And when I broke the damn burst and sounds came out of me, I never heard before. Wow. Oh, really? It was fucking...

And you don't get to lie down afterwards. And what was... Because I think you. And what was the trigger for that? It was a letter that my husband sent me. And it wasn't a mean letter. Where's the eggs? It wasn't a mean letter. It was just like, there were just triggers in this letter. It's true.

I lost those eggs. And it all came back to, a lot of it came back to comedy. It was kind of like I was wailing and screaming, like going, no one will ever know what it costs. No one will ever know what it costs. You know, it's like saying it like, ah! And then two hours later, apparently, because it's all a blur, the memory of it, because it was so primal.

Wow, what a catharsis. It was. It was incredible. And then I decided to stay another three months after that to make sure it was all sealed and healed. So is there a point where they go, you're good to go now if you want? How much of it is dictated by you

and how much of it is dictated by them? Half and half. Right. And what are they looking for? Like what's their point where they decide? That's what Carl was talking about. The denial has to go. You have to lose the obsession of the mind. you know what's their point where they decide kind of what Carl was talking about like the denial denial has to go

you have to lose the obsession of the mind that lifted for me because when I first got there I was looking at BWS shops we'd go get bread pick up bread from a bakery leftover bread that's who I am now

I eat leftover bread from bakeries and I go get it with four other peers so you're a bin diver I'm a bin diver and so you're living you diver? I'm a bin diver. And so you go, and there was a BWS, Beer, Wine and Spirits store next to the bakery. And when I first got there, I'd look at the BWS,

I'm like, how am I going to get back in there? Like, what am I? And we only had 50 cents given to us for meetings to put in the, like. Wow. They have every avenue covered, you know What's the 50 cents for? To give when they pass the hat around at AA meetings So I'm saving up 50 cent coins, right?

For some weird To buy UDL To buy, no, to buy, yeah, the little vodka, you know Because I'm right back to the beginning again with my addiction And I'm like, you maniac Like, really? You're going to get some So this is at the very beginning So still totally not like, you maniac. Like, really? You're going to get some... So this is at the very beginning. So still totally not broken, you know, and still in denial.

You told your therapist you had a sex dream about the camel from Thirsty Camel. I don't think she's ready. And so do they have an all-important... You come clean and tell them that. This is the thing. You don't keep that... It's not the end of the world.

Yeah, you're an addict. You do have these thoughts. So you're encouraged to dob on yourself, which I did. And so we stayed. And then eventually that turned to I'd go past the BWS and I was just like, oh, what a pity I'm going to go back in there one day. It's still not great but better. So it was your litmus test almost.

Yeah, that BWS became my litmus test. And then eventually, it was two months before I left, I went past there and I went, oh my God, I never have to go back in there again. And it was like really exciting. How's this BWS going? They're just in there going, I told you we shouldn't have set up around the corner

for my fucking rehab. Sale today only, everything 50 cents. Okay. Sale today only, everything 50 cents. Have they done their demographic survey? The unluckiest business in the country. Meanwhile, the bakery's fucking killing it. Why can't we have everything 50 cents? It's like how Adelaide's the only city in the world where like a chocolate milk outsells Coke.

It's like Canberra's the one city where baked goods outsell alcohol. So I'll just quickly tell you what I found the hardest bit, which I nearly left on, I thought I will not survive that. Like what do you reckon out of, you take away my, you know, you have to have five minute showers, you're not allowed to watch telly, da-da-da-da. But there's one thing that I couldn't do and I was like – Social media?

No. The all-important swimsuit section. Welcome. When I found out this rule that if you break, it's like – I know the rehab rule, absolutely no beers. Well, I'm out. If it's going to be that sort of rehab. Some people think it's pretty full on.

It's an experimental thing that we're trying out. And if you get caught doing this thing that I love doing and I wasn't allowed to do, I had to do a three-page writing task. No, no smoking at all. No smoking? No smoking. No. What is this, Abu Ghraib?

You are not allowed to talk about one other peer, okay, in the whole community unless it's to their face. Wow. It's God's law. So no backstabbing. No backstabbing. No bitching. I'm going back to jail.

It's called leaking out. Leaking out And it was just the most I'm going back to jail It's what I do It's what we do Yes, exactly How are you going to stand up the back of a comedy room ever again

If you don't have that? No, I could do it here in the real world I just couldn't do it in there And it was just like agony Because there was some thundering morons in there Was there someone, your roommate in there? No, it was the counsellor. Do you want to slag off now that you couldn't slag off then?

The one I had was – Anyone in there? And you're not allowed to slag. And we had a cop-a-thon, right? So we all get put in this room because things had been going – once the community starts slipping, they bring in the big guns. And so it's this cop-a-thon. We're locked in.

They don't tell you it's about to happen. What's a cop-a-thon? You've got to write down everything you've done that's against the rules. Like a confession? Yeah, but everything you know of as well. So other people's shit. A dob-a-thon. That's what that is.

That's great. I was just like, holy fuck. Please don't keep telling this story if it involves another girl. Please just put it on ice. So I've gone, okay, in for a penny, in for a pound. And I did this and I said that and da-da-da with so-and-so. I didn't know you didn't add the – I've brought 15 people down with me. There's other people.

They've got enough problems of their own without you dobbing on them. But I did my – yeah, I dobbed on myself for lampooning a staff member who was the greatest cocksnapper I've ever come across. And what was your lampoon? So you were doing an impersonation to entertain the others. This guy had the longest face I've ever seen. It was literally… Oh, fuck, no, Maria, a long one.

At one point, he would say to me… He was like David Brent under the office. He was the David Brent of rehab. And he was an ex-addict of some sort himself. In the first eight weeks, you're young and he's the beginner's coach. And he would say to me, he'd pull me up because he hated me and he did not like my celebrity. He would say to me, he was like David Brent.

And I couldn't stop laughing at him and how obnoxious he was he was such a fuckwit and you're not allowed to be disrespectful and you have to concern yourself for disrespect if you do and there's a concern book you've got to write in the concerns Do you think the people that work there know that this

guy's a cunt? Oh they know I can trot this guy out, he's the ultimate test Absolutely no There's a concernunt. Oh, they know. Fucking trot this guy out. He's the ultimate pest. Absolutely no. No, when you say there's a concern book, so if you, sorry, what was that? If you're feeling disrespectful towards someone, you've got to write it down. No, if you say something to someone and you are a bit disrespectful in your tone, they can go concern yourself with disrespect. Concern yourself with disrespect.

So you've got to go write it down. That's the order. Yeah, that's the order. Concern yourself with disrespect. So you've got to write it down, what you did. The concern book, you can be unthorough, unaware. If you leave a cup out and someone finds that cup,

concern yourself. So you've got to learn how to be which I'm terrible at, self-assertive and mindful. All of that shit. All of that shit. All of that shit. But this douchebag, like serious douchebag, and he turned around to me and he'd go,

Fiona, I noticed you used humour during group today. Like, yes, I used – yeah, I breathed too. I breathed in and out, fucking tall. Like, you just want to kill him. And I'm like, yes, I did. I'd love to tell you his name Because it's a girl's name Let's call him Justine But that's not his name

Let's call him I'll go through all The crossover girls' names Kim Peter No it's a really obscure one Ashley Petra

Penelope Close Let's call him Petra That's good And Let's call him Petra Hanky He was Thanks Petra

Talking about How you get on in these communities And he said You know about being respectful of others Even if they drive you mental And I'm talking to him about him But I'm not being disrespectful And I'm going okay so imagine

That because you're allowed to argue You know so say someone in here You think is a total Fuckwit. I'm talking to him and looking at him and I'm talking about him. Like a real bosun, cave-dwelling fucktard. Yes. But they don't really bother you.

You just – can't you just – Like a real – He goes like this. He goes, you'd be surprised how many people used to think I was a fuckwit. And I was like, please, God, don't make me laugh in this way. Please, God, you know, I'll be on a writing task. You'd be surprised how many people used to think I was a fuckwit. I had to do a solo?

That's doing all the dishes, the whole community by yourself? No one's going to look at you or talk to you? Because you're concerned with disrespect. If you get enough concerns, you've got to do a solo. Right. Do you know, they share one of those books in comedy. Yeah. Amazing.

Concern yourself with disrespect. And you know what the response is? Thank you, Lawrence. You have to say thank. Thank you. And if you go like this, thank you, Lawrence, then they go concern yourself sideways. Thank you. And if you go like this, thank you, Lawrence, then they go concern yourself for sideways. Thank you, Lawrence.

Concern yourself for what? For sideways. That's like saying something a bit sideways. So that's where I've been. Thanks for asking, Carl. So is there a show in it? I'd say so. I wouldn't say so.

Sounds pretty boring to me. It's not that laugh heavy show in it? I'd say so. I wouldn't say so. Sounds pretty boring to me. It's not that laugh heavy, is it? So you've been out for, what were you saying? Two weeks. Two weeks. I'll give you the Barry. If you don't mind me asking, what's different this time for you? Like being out and having kind of been in this

and having us known you for a little while… …and having, you know, had a number of points where, you know… …you've been saying this is it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like the boy that cried wolf. What's different this…what's the thing that you're using with this time… …to kind of, you know, get it over the line?

Okay. Now I try and be as…like because I keep… …I've been thinking about this question being asked me by somebody… …and Lawrence always comes to mind because when he found out I was writing. She's such a cunt. Hey, that was very sideways. Concern yourself for disrespect and being a cunt. Concern yourself for cunting. I'm concerning myself with I've got a bit of a half bar and it's making me tired.

Write that down in the book. A half bar. Write that down in the book with your half bar. A half bar. Trains a bit of blood away from your head and you just like get the afternoon noddies. It's like Ben on the gear. Sorry.

Go. I remember when Lawrence, when I said I was writing another book and he goes, so is. Can you concern yourself with talking to the fucking microphone? Sideways. You almost asked me this question after the comedy. You said, is this like... Pretend you're cleaning a toilet and get right up close to it.

Is this one for real or are you just polishing another turd? I remember you asked me that. The difference with this is when I did Australian Story, right, I thought that's as good as it gets and I wasn't that happy with it, like as in sober. And I was sober for that year. And I'm like, well, this is obviously as good as it gets, you know, and it was fucking miserable because I was still emotionally,

you know, I was not emotionally sober. Emotionally, I was not emotionally sober. And if you had told me it would be 10%, it's what you said years ago, that relief of shame, living without shame, like waking up and you didn't shit in yesterday. If all I have to do is not have another drink forever, I'm in. I'm so fucking in. You're out from under it yeah yeah that's great do you feel better like do you feel different i feel like this time around i feel like everything's brand new like i wake up ridiculously happy i and i keep thinking fuck they talk about

a honeymoon period and i was like because since since I did the big, you know, when I was talking about sounds coming out of me I'd never heard before. We've heard them, by the way. It's been that good from then. Like a vaginal fart or what kind of a sound? You had your headphones on. We heard them. You didn't.

A vaginal fart. I have heard that sound. It's gross, isn't it? I haven't heard it for a while, though. Put it in the book. That's how grief-stricken I was. Even... Good breakthrough, Fiona. Good breakthrough, you pants.

Your mouth even looks like a vajayjay. Gross, man. A rag a vajayjay. Gross, man. A ragged vajayjay. It's really hard to articulate it. It's like even getting old and dying doesn't matter. Do you know what I mean? My mum the other day was moaning about being 72 and I was just like, don't you get it?

Being 72 means she didn't die. Life is so fucking amazing. God, I felt for your dad the night you were lying there. Yellow was a bloody Reebok. I don't know. A yellow Reebok. Yellow was a Reebok. I don't know.

But you were just like, I was actually thinking Reebok volleyball because your head looked like a volleyball. And, you know, no one knew whether you were going to live or die. Organs are not pretty, is it? And no, it's not. There's so many tubes because you're on dialysis. You're getting, you know, like your livers. Did you cop a feel?

I copped a feel. I wanted to send you on your way with a sweet memory. On your sweet memory. No, I just felt your dad really made me very sad because he was just

staring at you, stroking the back of your hand and I thought, that must be fucking tough for a father Yeah Good man Look He is a beautiful man I mean

It's so good to Like this is the first time We've seen you Since you've been out And with You know Such a small selection Of time that we can

Drag from here You look Really healthy You sound Super positive And that thing That I keep Harking back to

I guess that denial thing I you know I love you Fiona but whenever I've dealt with you I've always felt like you're not really

giving it all out you're you're saying things that people want to hear yeah you're not I've been an expert at that yeah yeah exactly

I think you so what I hold on can we just backtrack you said I love you Fiona but you're not giving out what's this about but back, you said, I love you, Fiona, but you're not giving out.

What's this about, Carl? But I'm very hopeful in the next five minutes. If you want to clean my toilet, shall we say. But no, no, but you see, you know, you're obviously very open talking to us about this stuff, but you've always been a little bit full of shit. Let's put it back in a sense. Because you're giving out what you think people want to hear and whatever and you've been in your denial. But this sounds super positive.

I'm sure this is what, like you said, this is what they sort of judge you on in there, in the big house. If you're being honest, that's obviously a big step. You sound like you actually want it to happen, which is awesome, which is super. I think everyone in comedy, all of us certainly, have all got our collective fingers crossed. Yeah. And it's super promising what you've said now, which makes us all very happy.

Yeah. It looks – it sounds right. The other thing is that I just have to wear now, sucker, is only I know what this feels like. For you guys, I can't expect you to go, you can't see what I can see. Do you know what I mean? I can't expect you to. So unfortunately, I have to do the time now.

It has to be runs on the board. Yep. But also there's, you know, your back catalogue of long periods of dry and then meteoric, you know, blazing across the night sky back into alcoholism. Because after, you know, there was after the June Northern attempt, you were followed around by like a gatekeeper for a while. Remember that?

For about a year. Yeah. This woman, you know, it's like, do you want a drink, Fiona? And the woman would just like slap it in her hand and go, get away from her. It's like, who are you? I'm Fiona's carer. For the first, you know, and I don't want to, I'm really not trying to convince anyone. I'm just trying to explain something that's different, okay?

It had to be an inside job. Yeah, yeah. Like 9-11. That's the difference. I had to do it all the way from. Yeah. Like 9-11. That's the difference. What? I had to do it all the way from inside out, not the other way around. I've been so going about it the wrong way. And I've got to be honest, it's AA too.

I mean, mum was funny the other day. She said, well, I don't understand why you have to go every day. That seems like a terrible commitment. I was just like… Good on her. Jesus Christ, it's 12.30 I go I wouldn't have been up till 12.30 If I was on a bender

And I don't want everyone to think I've been On a bender all this time But I always was either on or more often As you say, Carl There was always going to be, when does this end? Fuck But it sounds like you've got Completely the right headspace to it Because you're right, I mean You know that there's a like you've got completely the right

Headspace to it Because you're right I mean You know that there's a degree of Like people can't see The way you see things now Yeah And there is a large element

In the comedy community And outside of that Of kind of the boy who cried wolf a little bit A little bit But none of that matters Like that doesn't That doesn't change how you see things That doesn't have to affect you

Was he addicted to wolves? What was his fucking story? Did he go to Stockholm? You're in denial. Going past the zoo and seeing the wolf enclosure and going, if only I could save up these 50 cents and get a pat of one of those wolves. He couldn't see the forest for the wolves. Beer wolves and spirits, just like.

Thirsty wolf. BWS. very good. What I know for sure is insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again. But enough about comedy. What about a new addiction? So they've got that Einstein quote up on the wall, have they? They've got Einstein everywhere, you know? Einstein.

So many great quotes. He was on the gear. Thus is good, I love the heroin. Shut up, you fucking nerd. Yeah, what a dickhead. There you go, MC Squared does it. Have a beer, you fag. That's Einstein living in Australia.

Thank God for you, Lawrence. You just saved this podcast. Hold on. That's already been done, young Einstein. Dad. My ideas are always secondhand. He's ripping Yahoo serious. Should we wrap it up there for now?

Yeah. I think we should. I mean, we should check in again soon for sure. Awesome. We don't have to check in. No, but we need another topic. We're not saving anyone, Tommy. You know, people, you know, this is going to be,

this feels like people are going to love hearing this. And, you know, it sounds like you are genuinely in a really good place. We, you know, we love you. The listeners of this show love you and, you know, obviously want the best for you. And I think everyone, and people listening, I'm sure, just like all the other episodes we've done, have had their own experiences with this.

I'm sure there's a lot of people right now who are, you know, very much appreciate your honesty and open. And also anyone out there who is struggling, right, with addiction, okay? Can I just say this? Do we have to give that number out again? I just want to say this, and if someone had told me this, I probably wouldn't have believed them, so I get that. So you're going to sit there.

But while I am the greatest bullshitter on God's earth, right, I also am capable of great truth, okay? So if you're out there and you're thinking, because I used to think, fuck, no, it will never be great without booze. It will never. Like, I would rather this. It's not like I'm sitting here. Please don't think I'm sitting here or going through life now going,

I just want to have a drink. You know, it doesn't hurt anymore. I would rather, I would choose this any day. In fact, I would choose everything that's happened to happen again to feel like I feel right now. Right. And I cannot be more emphatic. Alright, well. You guys are awesome. And

Dum Dum, Dum Dum listeners. You don't need to plug our podcast on the podcast. No, I just want to say thanks. Thanks for, you know, what happens on the little Dum Dum Club stage. I love the way I tell you, your list is everything. Well, it's a thing where for some reason the media don't refuse to ignore podcasts.

So whatever happens on the podcast, it's like, oh, well, that's not real. That has interested and frightened me too because, you know, a quote taken off a podcast out of context, there's many crazy and outrageous things said. And if they're not contextualised, you'd be in big trouble. But they're not turning up in mainstream media.

The number of things that radio hosts... It must be an honourable no-go zone or something. They would have crucified... But Mark Maron, big people could have been hurt and they don't. It's weird. Well, fingers crossed this is the one. Why did we bring it up? Why did we bring it up? Why did we bring it up?

Touch wood. Idiots. Touch it. Actually, fuck, I just noticed Rupert Murdoch liked our Facebook page the other day, so fuck, this might be the week. All right, well, Lawrence and Fiona, thank you so much for joining us once again.

Thank you. Number five in the trilogy. Yes, and Lawrence and Fiona, I'm sure Fiona is stepping back into the game, so you'll see her treading the boards around the place in the near-to-middle future, I guess, somewhere. Yeah. Maybe.

Starting tonight. Yeah. So I'm webbed out. Crap it. Oh. I'm posted. And right now I'm just going to finish his boner off. Oh, right.

Yeah. All right. Well, that's our cue to go. Yeah. And Lawrence, you've, that's our cue to go. Yeah. And Lawrence, you've got stuff on sale coming up soon. Yeah. Get onto the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website or the Adelaide. Get some tickets for Christmas.

Buy a whole range of shows. What's your title next year? My title is Lawrence Mooney. Like, literally. Oh, that's good. Hey, speaking of the Comedy festival, I was worried. You know what? That's the first time I've got a laugh out of it.

People go, oh. Yeah. Did I win the Barry? All I was got? You lost on a count back to Zoe Koonsma. Oh, wow. Oh, hang on. That was really her.

I thought you were playing a character for you. I thought you won that. Okay. Alright. We've got to leave it

there for this week guys. Thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates. I always fuck that

up.