The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 323 - Nazeem Hussain & Adam Richard

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

Twitter HQ, Cafe 69 and Shards Of Glass.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Great news, everyone. We are on time constraints this week, so you're going to get a nice short seven-minute ad. How do you feel about that, Carl? I don't know. I've got a lot of stuff I want to say. I've got a lot on my chest, Tommy. How are those cornflakes you just ate in front of me?

Oh, that's with only seven minutes, you need to go with that for content? Good stuff. You're right. Save that for the main show. Okay, we have got our Christmas Eve show on sale next Saturday, that is, December the 24th. Quite a few people coming along to that so far.

Come join us with a bunch of special guests fucking around on Christmas Eve. Come join the loser party. People whose families fucking hate them. Then we've also got the season passes for the Comedy Festival next year are on sale now. They are racing out the door. So many of those have been sold already. And let's get them on sale. Let's get the individual tickets on sale now. They are racing out the door. So many of those have been sold already. And let's get them on sale. Let's get the individual tickets on sale as well.

Yeah, they'll probably be up within the next day or so, if not already. Also, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. It's a way of supporting the show, subscribing to keep it going, showing your support. As part of chipping in, you get a bunch of sweet rewards, including Carl. Yes, I'm listening. I was throwing over to you on that one. Oh, okay.

When people who are good at radio finish each other's sentences, they get on a bit of a roll and they'll just jump. Nah, you were so convincing. I was sitting there going, yeah, I've got to get on board this thing. This sounds fucking great. He's got this. He's got this sentence under control. Recording this very early, I felt like I'm sitting in front of the TV

watching fucking Moira or something as an infomercial. I'm sucked in. I wanted to buy a mop from you. All right, yeah, so you get your little names read out. So let's just do a mini version of that today, not too many. So, hey, I've had a complaint. You know, I asked for complaints. If your name hasn't been read out and you've been subscribing for a while,

fair enough, hit me up. I've got a bit of an ineffective system. I'm trying very hard, but some people have had their names read out four times and some people have had their names read out no times. Some people who've been on it from day one yet to be read out. Some people who've been on it for a week, strangely enough, somehow they've been read out four times. Yeah, yeah.

I'll just make it up names at this point. So let's go. Let's do three. Okay, and these are all complaints? No. There's at least one. Thank you. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Laura Fleischer.

Laura Fleischer. Yeah. Fleischer. Yeah. F-L-E-I... Are we allowed to spell people's names out on this show? I don't know whether that's a privacy thing. Is that a rule?

Well, you know, this can help with identity theft. F-L-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Boom. Yes. You got it. Fleish of the bumblebee. This guy definitely gets it. Yeah.

Lazar. Lazar Fleish of the bumblebees. Thanks, Fleish. Thanks, LF. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Hope no one steals your identity. Although if they're going to steal your identity

And give us a little more money on Patreon Whatever she's giving I've got to say I'm into it Maybe they've already stolen her identity Maybe this is Thank you identity stealers Fuck

Thanks identity Imagine if all of our Patreon money disappeared Because everyone who subscribes Calls up the bank Their bank of choice And goes It's been a horrible error Someone has hacked my account

Listen to this show As proof As if we would fucking put any money towards this calls up the bank, their bank of choice, and goes, it's been a horrible error. Someone has hacked my account. Listen to this show as proof, as if we would fucking put any money towards this. We log in one day, $0 in the Patreon skyrocket. Oh, man. Everyone don't do that. Okay. Thanks, Fleish. Thank you, too.

Ben Archer. Ben Archer. Ben Archer. Benjamin Archer. Benny Arch. How about you arch that back and fucking pick up your wallet and give us even more money? Be Archer. Barcher.

Almost like Bircher, Muesli, that I can buy with that money. Oh, very good. You took Arch the back. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Archer. That's a cool last name. Yeah, I like it.

The TV show Archer. Yeah, and well, I would have said more, you know, a person that actually has arrows and shit, you know, an Archer. Like old school Archer. Like the old, you know, people that have their surnames named after what they did back in the day. It sounds like a bootleg Thailand version of everyone's favourite comic book. Archer and Joghead.

Highland version of everyone's favourite comic book. Archer and Joghead. Hey, great news. I just got a message from one of our guests who's running 20 minutes late. So we can stretch this out if we really want to. What, and have the other guests turn up and be thoroughly bored for 20 minutes? Yes. Cool. All right.

Thank you, too. Let's just keep it brief so I can get back to those cornflakes. Thank you to Liz Brandt. Brandt. Yeah, Brandt. Giving money to us as a listener of the show. Very on Brandt. Oh, yeah, very good.

Very good. Brandt. You know, Brandt, is that a real name? I don't know. It's one of these, I like to question people's names. To me, that's not a, like Brandt, that's the name. Brandt. Brandt sounds like a made-up name.

So what are you accusing, well, all names are made up. We've had this discussion nearly every week. So what are you accusing her of? Are you saying, like, she doesn't want us to know her real name, so all the things she could put in, instead of she's just put Brandt. No, I'm just saying it's wrong. Someone has made a mistake down the line, whether it's two years ago, whether it's 90 years ago.

But Brandt, it's just a clunky name. Okay. You feel like saying Brandt. Is this, is it? How many times has she in her life gone, no, no, no, not Brandt, it's Brandt. Oh, is it, it's the B-R-A-N-T? Yeah. Okay. No, no, no, just T. Oh, Brandt It's the B-R-A-N D-T. Yeah. Okay. No, no, no. Just T. Oh, brand.

Yeah. B-R-A-N-T. You do feel for people who've got those names where it's like every single time they're at the post office. Yeah. They're having to spell every detail of it out. D and T, too close together. Like brand. No, it's brand. No, it's brand. Well, thanks, brand. Thanks, brand. Thanks, Liz Brand with a D.

Ha-ha, suck shit. Okay, we've only got time for one more. Is there one left? Let's – yeah, okay. Let's do one. Oh, yeah, I just found one more. That was quick. Yeah.

You didn't even touch your computer. You just found it on the screen. Yeah, well, it was there already I just scanned down the list And very quickly found one That is a bit of an odd name Yes Yeah, alright

Thank you to Okay, well, geez You know what? We were talking about odd names With brands This is even odder Both names, to be honest See if you can guess what country this is from

Alright Kiel? Kiel? Yeah to be honest. See if you can guess what country this is from. All right. Kiel? Kiel? Kiel? Yeah. Kiel? Yourself.

Yeah. You sure it's not Yusuf? Oh, Yusuf. Is it? Right, yeah. Kiel Yusuf. Kiel Yusuf. Right, okay.

Is that Turkish? Do you think this is another one like before where it's like 10 years ago or 90 years ago someone's fucked up and put an L in there that shouldn't be there? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's it. I don't like it. It's clunky, isn't it? And it's the same thing where it's like, it's Yusuf, not yourself, all the time.

All right. Fuck. That must be so annoying. Well, thanks, Kiel. Thanks, Kiel. And you take care of yourself. Hey. You've stopped us from doing a bit of you, if you know what I'm saying.

Okay. You've stopped us from doing a bit of you, if you know what I'm saying. Okay, so patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. If you want to be a part of this immense fun that we're having right now. Particularly if you've got a funny little name, please. It really helps us out. Also, yeah, Christmas Eve is on sale now. Season tickets and individual shows for the comedy festival. My solo show is on sale. I'm sure yours will be very shortly.

Yeah, let's do that. All that stuff on sale. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Well, we'll give it a little bit of a burst. We've only just put them on sale. You've just put yours on sale. What's the name of your show? The show is called Dinner for Two.

Yeah. What does that mean? It's just there's only one ticket for every night. It's just you going on a date charging people. Yes. Right. I include the pizza. Right. So it's just a Tinder where you make money date charging people. Yes. Right. I include the pizza. Right.

So it's just a Tinder where you make money out of it. Yes. Right. Very nice. All right. I like this. Finally, I've gamed the system after all these years of doing the festival. I've found a hack.

My show is called, and it is on sale as well as of today, it's called Carl Chandler, World's Greatest Comedian in the World. And it is the third in the trilogy of me doing all new jokes and someone shitting on me. Let's start a poll on Twitter and Facebook. Within the next month, which of us will regret our title more? Because I've got to tell you, I'm already getting there. Really? Yeah.

Because yours feels like a name that you've gone oh this would be funny and with two seconds of thought and then now you've gone oh yeah no it was it was four it was actually four seconds of thought like i was aware of i was aware of the two second phenomenon so i went let's write this out and really make sure and so i got to four seconds and i was like no i'm positive and then it was the fifth second where i went oh no yeah fuck you you filled that format for the comedy festival in four seconds wow but do it in a long time that's good it's just muscle memory at this point that's effective uh so yeah all that stuff little dumdum club.com is the place

to go to find all that stuff all our merch all our live live all our back episodes uh are on there as well hey and it's it's christmas time if you're hearing this, as it comes out. Yeah, go there for your Christmas present. We've got the T-shirts. We've got two T-shirts. We've got the Aware. We've got the Burger. The Burger shirt is racing out the door. Man, we are selling so many of them.

We should have had them reprinted long ago from how many you guys have bought. So get on. We've actually had to do a reprint already to get all the... Some people have misestimated the big sizes that you guys have wanted. That's the most very charitable you've ever been. And he's the least.

You fat fucks bought too many shirts. You fatties. Probably eating some of them, are you? Yeah. All right, guys. Enjoy this episode with Nazeem Hussain and Adam Richard. Hopefully. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. I've got a quick update for you before we bring the guests in. Now, something we should talk about quickly, which some people may have seen on social media,

but not everyone who listens is on Facebook and Twitter, or maybe they just don't follow us. We got sent this many times. There's a compilation series on YouTube of people filming the dashboards of their car as they drive along. Do you know what I'm about to bring up? No.

And it's just very mundane footage of just people in traffic. And someone sent us one of these videos midway through one of the cars on the radio as they're driving along. They're listening to this podcast. Yes. There's a little snippet of us with Dave Thornton.

Yes. Now, this seems like a very niche interest that people have, just watching boring dashboard footage of other people's cars. We got sent this video maybe by six or seven different people. Including one time someone sent it to me and I was like, what the fuck are you watching that for? And he goes, same reason you're watching fucking webcams in Thailand. I'm like, oh, yeah, I get it now.

That's fair. Same reason you do a podcast. I have nothing else going on. Yeah. But so, yeah, it was very funny because it's just Dave Thornton talking in the clip from the Dave Thornton and Tom Tilly episode. So he kind of got alerted to it as well. And I saw him the other day and he was telling me this.

He was telling me he went in to, I think he was doing a gig there. He was in a Twitter went in to, I think he was doing a gig there, is why he was there. He was in a Twitter HQ. Oh, what? And he told me that apparently the head honcho of Twitter, big fan of this show. What? Yep. So on behalf of the little Dumb Dumb Club, hey, at mate.

Let's get us trending. Yeah. What can we leverage out of this? I mean, can he just get us like a million more followers on the Dum Dum account? Can he get us on the homepage, get us some sort of like, you know, in the back? So Twitter.com just goes straight to us?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, make it like MySpace where you've always got Tom as your friend. You're always automatically following us. Yeah, that guy's got to get in touch with us. We've got to hear from him Yeah Whoever you are You just

Maybe send us a tweet if you're on Twitter Yeah, Mr. Twitter Alright, let's bring our guests in today Carl, we're doing this quite early I had to squeeze this in earlier in the morning than usual So we thought let's get two guests who do not drink alcohol Yeah But have no respect for time we thought let's get two guests who do not drink alcohol.

But have no respect for time. Well, first of all, joining us, the fabulous Adam Richard. Don't tell everyone I don't drink. It's a secret. Is it meant to be a secret? No, it's not a secret. Do you think it's going to affect your career in some way? People know that you're sober. Oh, we're not going to get this guy.

He's not a pisshead. And also joining us, Nazeem Hussain. He's not a pisshead. Not a pisshead. Never been a piss head And also joining us Nazeem Hussain He's not a piss head Not a piss head Never been a piss head Never been a piss head But You thought about it?

I've pretended Man I've pretended So many times Oh really? Work functions And shit like that Like if you talk I used to work

At like a professional Services firm With like Old school corporate types And if you're not drinking They will force a drink In your hand Come on mate

just have one so i used to pretend to drink it and just and act progressively drunker throughout the night and i met other like muslims just like smash shit like ah you just laugh at dumb shit and all of a sudden someone's looking at muslims smashing things at a party going, oh, fucking hello. That's why they don't drink. But now, you know, you're on TV, you're making a career, like you're doing stand-up. Stand-up comedy. Those guys from

Where are they now? They must be watching TV and seeing you talk about not drinking going, this motherfucker. Well, you know what? I've actually had once a partner sit in the front row front and center right in front of me at one of my shows and i was talking about work and i was kind of talking about him and his colleague he's an indian guy a partner that used to try and act super white at work just to try and impress his mates and you know and the joke

was literally about him and his name and i i just had to drop the whole thing because it was going to be too awkward oh really Because he was there with his white colleagues as well. What's Carl doing? I love when you... He actually put his finger to his mouth saying, shut up. I'm just closing a fucking door.

You don't need to fucking comment. We're here in Carl's fancy house with doors and shit like that. This is a brand new place. That's what you do here. You turn it into content. We rip about the door for ten minutes. Oh, yeah. Last time I did one of your houses, we talked about the couch for about an hour and a half.

That's how you make it onto Dashboard Cam. Who says we've got nothing going on? Hey, so Dashboard Cam's a thing. You know in the UK, there's actually, I don't think it's here as well, but this is like internet sensation thing. Well, someone's travelleds are a thing. You know in the UK there's actually, I don't think it's here as well, this is like internet sensation thing. Well, someone's travelled. Right, mate. I've been around.

People just basically film their families and families just become celebrities just because. Yeah, Google box. No, it's for like kids. So kids go, I want to watch the Daniels. Oh, really? I'm probably not describing it correctly, but you just watch them do their day in their life stuff.

So Mother Daniel will drop the kids to school and then Daddy Daniel will go to work and then... I can see it. I can see it because you may not know this, but I sort of got addicted to watching a webcam in Thailand. In Thailand. Are you serious? Yeah, I was watching it every day.

Now, Nazeem, just hearing that, I got addicted to watching a webcam in Thailand. What would you guess was going to be the subject matter of the webcam? Just hearing that sentence on its own. Was it clean? It was very clean. Really? It was a webcam out the front of a pub in Koh Samui

and it is now down at the moment. What are you doing with your day? Is it technical difficulties or is that out of respect to the king? What if that's written into the law? All webcams have to go down out of respect. Did you have to wear black when you were there last time? Did you have to wear black for like a whole year as a morning?

Yeah, look, I have just got back. I haven't put it out there to the listeners, but I literally got back a day ago. You can continue your morning overseas though, if you're genuinely sad about the King's passing. I went down and there was a lot of pictures of him up. What was the one thing you miss the most about the King passing? His compassion towards me.

His compassion towards cheap airfares. Yeah. And very cheap beer. His shares in Jetstar that he has. Exactly. No, but this is the thing about Yeah the King of Thailand who passed away They started making all their websites Like the Thai websites

They just turned them into black and white Yep Oh my god Isn't that weird to get to a black and white website There's been talk that it's Retro That they were going to Yeah it's retro like in the old days of the internet.

Right, before colour. Remember before colour in the world? Black and white internet. That would have been great if when the internet had started it had followed the exact same trajectory as TV. So it's just really washed out black and white for ages. Maybe there was a point when everybody only had black and white eyes and then someone was like.

Black and white eyes. You heard about like remember when you used to white eyes you heard about color eyes it's coming out remember when you used to look up google and it was just a test pattern also they had the domain banked for like two decades they're like we've got to work out what to do with this it's such a catchy word yeah don't you guys remember the internet when it was just ones and zeros on the screen? I liked that one year where the internet was in 3D and then they stopped it. Yeah. Wait, was it? Okay. What was that year?

You had to buy glasses every time you logged on. You're like, I'll keep these and then you lose them. You're going to pay every time you go in. But should we get into this? Because this was, Nazeem, I don't know if you'd be aware of this, but we were talking about this for a couple of months. We had this, or Carl had this harebrained idea of putting on a couple of live podcasts. this or Carl had this harebrained idea of putting on a couple of live podcasts

I say I had a great brained idea it wasn't a harebrained a bald brained idea where we would raise funds and we would basically

we would take this podcast over to Thailand sick so we would take some guests over we would use like Patreon money

and stuff to fund it we would record content over there. Right, right, right. Is that why I'm here? Because you can only have black and white guests. During the morning. During the morning.

But so I was kind of a holdout on this idea because I sort of felt like I was being manipulated into this guy just wanting to go to Thailand. Just to look at the camera. Find any reason to go over there. He's going to go regardless. He just wanted you to come with him. So this was my whole thing. It was like, if you want to go to Thailand, just go to Thailand.

He's been giving me grief going, you fuck this. You didn't let me go to Thailand. I had this great idea. All of a sudden. You're like his battered wife. I am his battered wife. Fuck, I wish. I'm his battered wife. Fuck, I wish. I'm his battered girlfriend of ten years.

All of a sudden you go to me with about 24 hours notice. You go to me, I'm going to Thailand tomorrow. You never needed me. Wait, he's going to Thailand tomorrow? No, he just got back like two days ago. Oh, okay. Well, look, my girlfriend had to go to Singapore for work. So this is a full story.

Singapore is not that close to Thailand. It's not that far away. It's not that far away. But that's like me saying I need to go to Footscray so I'm just going to pop into Braybrook. No reason to go to either of the places. All our interstate and overseas listeners are scratching their head over that one. Just take his word on it.

So in Footscray, do they have $1 beers there? No, they have really cheap pork rolls. Are you long on to any of their webcams over there? I do. I love my Footscray webcam. Pork roll webcam's my favourite. So we didn't talk about this in the lead up before you're going. A, because it happened quite suddenly.

And B, because you have this blanket rule where you don't want to broadcast that you're going away on this podcast. Because a lot of the listeners from getting packages from you of merch with the return address on the back know where you live. And you have a theory that listeners of this show will try and break into your house if you mention that you're going away. I thought your theory would be that they would call up the airport because they've got your name and address and they would just say, hey, there's a criminal about to board a plane. Well, there's another

new idea in the listeners. Mate, you know what? Next time he's going away, even just interstate for a dum-dum show, just call up the airport and just say he's a security hazard. The same as everyone else to have as much trouble going to the airport as he does with

Armour and I used to travel and when they you know get through security I'd go oh you might want to check his bag and Armour is so OCD

he folds his stuff properly and this is I go why don't you check under there and just maybe look in his socks and so they just ruffle the clothes this is your

this is your ex comedy partner inferior of a brown part yeah yeah yeah he's now not doing as much comedy well now he's in jail apparently because of you so They just ruffled the board. This is your ex-comedy partner in Fear of a Brown Pirate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's now not doing as much comedy. Well, now he's in jail apparently because of you. Because Mark taught him how to fold his clothes when he was a little kid. That'd come back to bite him.

But see, that is a very good point, what you say there. Because when we talked about the King of Thailand was on his way out and then he passed away and we were talking about it and then they get very sensitive about it over there in Thailand and so everyone's like hitting me up going, you're fucked now.

I'm going to fucking tell the cops. I'm going to tell the Thailand cops. I'm going to tell the airport people that you fucking said this. You're fucking dead.

You're going to get locked up. Man, I got a text like this when I was in Thailand. Wow, great. So we did an episode the week it happened

where we just went off. We did a lot of riffing about the King of Thailand, the now deceased King of Thailand. In that same week, Have You Been Paying Attention, the TV show, they made one passing joke about it and they got in shit. They had to apologise, yeah, to the freaking embassy. It's a big deal. They're very upset.

They loved him. Clearly not podcast listeners though. I think I learnt that week. Yeah. But the other thing, isn't the reason – the other reason they're upset is because they hate the sun? Yeah. Like, they're not mad for the air.

Oh, look, I think that's just an additional – They hate the sun. Yeah. The sun – the prince who was now taken over – Oh, sorry, sorry. I thought you meant the actual sun in the sky. No, no, no.

It's like, you shining brown thing. Yeah, they're very underdeveloped over there. They hate the sun because it keeps bringing tourists. I love the Thai Aztecs. They haven't figured out what it is yet. They're just like. So bright. That horror thing in the sky, you're burning my eyes.

Yeah, so I'm still being threatened. So I'm very scared. Who's threatening you though? Is this just listeners going you're going to get in trouble for this? Yes. No, but you know what our listeners are like. It's more than that. It's more a text message going I just told the cops on you, you cunt. You're fucking dead. I think your listeners are very

culturally sensitive and aware and they just don't want to offend them. I'll give your number out then if that's alright. Yeah, but you've been and gone. You've had a week there. I imagine it passed without incident. So that just goes to show you're fine. Let's fucking rip into this guy.

I mean, he's dead. Let's Photoshop some dicks into his mouth and put them up on our Facebook. Now you're going to be flooded with... See, don't do that because now if we go and the plan is to go next year and we're going to have to give the dates out of when we go, you say stuff like that, there are going to be people waiting at the airport for us. Yeah, yeah.

And they're going to be waiting there with the photos that you've photos of the president. Yeah, yeah. Did you draw this? Yes, exactly. I've just learned the lesson from Nazeem. As long as I don't fold my clothes, I'll be fine. I'll pass through that incident.

So he was the... Unless that's like a real honour over there because, you know, like that means you've got multiple partners and so many people are interested in you that they want to put their penis in your mouth. Yeah, why is that a bad thing? I don't know. Adam, why is it a bad thing?

I have no idea. It's a different symbol. If the penis is attached to a lady, it's weird. You know like in the...'s weird. You know like those Greek statues back in the day, like Hercules and all those Greek gods, they all used to have small penises because apparently if you had a big penis, that was like a sign that

you weren't rational, you were led by your dick. So to have a smaller penis was like a sign of nobility and whatever. I am very noble. Check out Ross Noble over here. Because he does a lot of riffing. What was the sign if you had a gaping anus?

Probably meant you were Greek. Imagine that, seeing the statue of you and it's just got this little, this like tiny chode on it and you're like, and they're like, no, no, it, and it's just got this little, this tiny chode on it, and you're like, and they're like, no, no, it's a compliment. You've got a small dick. Yeah, that's the old, it's not the size that matters. It's what you do with it.

It's not the size that matters. It's what you do with it. You like too much. So I went there because my girlfriend had to go to Singapore for work. Which is down the road. Which is down the road. Which is down the road. Incessantly around the corner. The Braybrook to Footscray.

She was in Singapore. You popped down the shops. Thailand. I just went over the road to Thailand. So she had to go there. She wanted me to come. We get a good deal through who she works with for flights and all that sort of stuff. So she's like, what did she work for?

Who knows? Who knows? A mysterious company. Who knows? Anyway. Mysterious Southeast Asian company. Shut up. So she's a little organisation by the name of MI6.

Did you meet her through that webcam? Like, did you spot her? Just seeing her walk past. What a vision. Calling up the pub. Go into the street right now. Give her my email address. That's my opening line.

So I saw you down the shops. She has to go back there every now and again. They have a reunion for her and the other lady boy. No. My girlfriend is not a lady boy. All right? Jesus. She's full lady.

It's now to race. Who's going to have you killed first? The king of Thailand's family or your girlfriend? No, but seriously, as a gay person, you guys have the complete list of all lady boys in any city, right?

And she, is she on it? Yeah, she's on the list. Carl Chandler's on the list. He's on the, what's called the ugly mugs list. Which is, don't go there. He doesn't pay. He thinks it's all free.

Well, I'm in Thailand. It's not free. So, anyway, we had to go to, so we went to Singapore. Here was the plan though. So, she's like, we're going to go there for the weekend. She had to go there for work for the weekend. Do you want to come? I'm like, yeah, sure.

I'll do that. So that got locked in. You're so casual in your retailing. Oh, maybe. If nothing comes up, I might be interested in going to that part of the world. Yeah. But this was just a Singapore plan. So then she then gets told that for work she has to then travel on to another country

and goes, oh, I've got to do this. And I go, oh, okay, let's – and I don't want to go everywhere. Like, so what should I do now? And she's like, I don't know. Why don't you just like go to Thailand afterwards? And I'm like – She made you go to Thailand. Yeah, and I'm like, well, all right, but you owe me one.

It sounds like she was sort of saying that sarcastically and you just haven't picked up on the tone. Like, oh, I don't know, why don't you fucking go to Thailand like you always do? Why didn't you go with her to the other place? Because the other place is no good. Go on, name the country. Which country is no good?

Name the shit country. Disparage their king. It's another country that I don't want to get in trouble with. Oh, man. It's an Islamic sultanate. Listeners, name the country that Carl don't want to get in trouble with. Oh, man. It's an Islamic sultanate. Listeners, name the country that Carl hates. No. Did your girlfriend go hang out with ISIS for a couple

of days? Did she go to Syria? Yeah, she said it was a bit more fun than being here with me at home. You could have seen the lovely ruins of Palmyra for the four minutes that they're still there. Come on. I really want to know this shit. Different type of webcam they've got over there, but anyway.

It's an Islamic sultanate and he doesn't want to insult any of them. Wait, was it around Singapore? No, no. So it wasn't Malaysia? No. Okay, Indonesia? I'm not going to give you the answer. Was it Indonesia?

No, no, no. What's the one that's surrounded by Malaysia up in the corner of Borneo? What's that one? It sounds like a shit country, Carl. No. Brunei? Yeah, that's the one. Brunei?

I think I've worked it out. I think I've worked it out. Somewhere fucked that just sounds awful and despicable. It's been done in Sri Lanka, bro. Somewhere Carl would never want to go to. She went to Maryborough, didn't she? That's where the meeting was. No. Fuck, I wonder if Maryborough

has got any webcams I think you're going to say I wonder if Maryborough has a king you know what they need those like 360 cameras so you can put on

virtual reality goggles and just literally oh I love those yeah yeah yeah I'm obsessed with my virtual reality goggles oh really yeah my phone's really old though

so it gets really hot and then stops what virtual reality stuff do you? Yeah my phone's really old though So it gets really hot and then stops What virtual reality stuff do you watch? I've got a Viewmaster What are all of them? Is that like It's like in the 70s It was a toy that I used to get

You used to put these discs in it And you clicked it And they were like 3D pictures And you're like oh my god it's 3D And this is the same thing But you stick your phone in it Oh yeah yeah So it's the same thing

You press the button See this is what I find interesting. There's two strands of VR at the moment. There's like, you know, PlayStation have one that's $800 that is a full video screen that your head is submerged in. I played with that in Hong Kong. It's mental. And then there's just like a cardboard box that you put your phone in.

Yeah. Google, they just hand it out. How is that the same thing? How are they allowed to call both of those the same thing? Depending on how powerful your phone is, they're pretty much the same thing. How are they allowed to call both of those the same thing? Depending on how powerful your phone is, they're pretty much the same thing. It's just the software is different. Like the software you get for the PlayStation VR is, you know…

Games, yeah. Yeah, it's fully immersive and stuff, whereas the stuff for your phone maybe goes for about three minutes before your battery runs out. Now this VR headset you've got, did you get it as a freebie when you went to Sexpo? No. Did you guys see this? Thisbie when you went to Sexpo? No. Did you guys see this?

This was the big thing. What a toy thorough. Sexpo this year, all the ads for it were like, come down to Sexpo, you get a free VR headset. And it's the Google Cardboard. It's the Cardboard piece of shit thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went to Darlene, went to Koh Samui. Oh, is he still telling this story?

Oh, sorry. We can go back to the fucking cardboard headset. Because that was going places. What else did you not see? Nah, cool. Get back to your yarn about sitting on the beach and doing fuck all for a week. Nah, it's good.

No, so you got to Koh Samui. You got to Koh Samui. So I was doing Intel. I was doing a heavy Intel because this is the place where I was thinking, next year if we go, if we do this plan. Oh, is this what it is? I'm thinking about June. I'm pushing Tommy towards June, this idea.

So I was going to hotels and I was staying like one night in each hotel. So this is research. One night in each hotel. Is this how you're going to put it on your tax return? Yes. You're going to deduct it as research. I did writing over there, so sure. I did enjoy it because you were telling me when you got there the first three

days it was raining flat out. Yeah. Meanwhile back here, beautiful day. Yeah. But it was alright. I had work to do so I was like stuck inside. You're walking around with your notebook, looking at places, thinking this could be... Yeah. What's the deal with... I could see two chairs here. What's the deal with fake Beats headphones? I can't wait to hear your 10 new minutes about fucking monsoon season.

Hey, Troy Kinney, he was in Costa Mundo doing the kickboxing thing. Oh, yeah, he was kicking people. He's in Phuket. He's doing Mai Tai. Is that what it's called? We've got to get him on the show Because I've He goes to Thailand now

All the time Like me He kicks ass on Mu Thai Yeah I don't do any of that But That's kind of the reason To go over and do the pot over there

So we can get him on the show He's over there more than you Yeah So Yeah Do you like ladyboys? Hey First question

When he comes on the show I've never heard him say That he doesn't Just assume We'll go there Our two guests will be Troy Kinney and a ladyboy So we go, do you like her? Do you like this gentleman?

Or Tommy as a ladyboy You guys are going to do some sort of dance Oh my god Tommy as a ladyboy Can you imagine? Oh my god It would make no money. Don't fund it that way.

I don't think we'll even have to go, oh, he's a ladyboy. People will already assume that. We'll need any costume. Just turn up. They'll just hear you talking and go, oh, maybe he's a ladyboy. On all those ladyboy shows, he'd make the perfect before photo. Imagine the transformation. Yeah, yeah. You're a proper man. So this is a lady. No, on all those ladyboy shows, he'd make the perfect before photo. Like, imagine the transformation. Yeah, yeah.

You're a proper man. So this is the thing. So I go there that often now. I go over there and it changes my life. I'm just, I'm moving here. I've heard you've got a big dick right. Is that why you brought up the big dick thing? People with big dicks, like Tommy Deslo, stupid.

So I'm walking down the street every day there and people are now, and I can't figure this out whether it was one of two things. So I walked down the street and people now go, hey, you come here every year, don't you? Oh, wow. Yeah.

But I reckon that's a bit of that thing where people, when you come back from Thailand, you realise it's weird to come back to Melbourne and people in shops aren't yelling at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because over there it's just full on the whole time. It's just so cold over here.

People are just yelling at you, trying to get anything out of you. If you wear a shirt with the word nut on it, people go, oh, nut, nut shirt, nutty. Hey, nutty. Hey, nut dog. Yeah, yeah. They're like us with the Patreon reads. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Nut shirt Nutty Hey nut dog Yeah They're like us With the Patreon reads

Yeah yeah Thanks nut Do you like Thailand Because it's like Being surrounded by your listeners My friends Yeah People that yell at you

The listeners of this podcast Oh my god you're a dum-dum Yeah yeah Yeah hello Nice to meet you No no they're like Dickhead fuck you Kill yourself

Thailand is Where's the west gate Thailand is Carl's version Of the bar from Cheers. Yes. My old friends. So people are literally yelling that out at me every day. Oh, you come here.

Oh, you're here all the time. Oh, whatever. And I'm like. It does the accent too. Yeah. I think I'm in India at this point as well. Anyway, so. Oh my goodness, Mr. Chandler.

You're very disrespectful about that, King. Welcome to Thailand. Oh my God. So. Is that the shit country, India? No, no. I mean, yeah, but not specifically in this story. Pakistan? No, no, no. I like how we're now playing guess who with shit country.

I like also, you know it's a work trip for his girlfriend. You think she's popping over to Afghanistan for work. I don't know what she does for work at this point. What does she do? She's in the military. She runs guns. She's a lady boy. She's doing a show.

I go out with one of the family. So that's happening. So I can't figure out whether people are genuinely recognising me or if it can't figure out Whether people are Genuinely recognising me Or if it's just that thing Where people are going Just rolling the dice

Going you know what It's a tourist island These people come here All the time We'll just chuck it out And even if This person's here For the first time

It doesn't matter I've just rolled the dice Going yeah you come here All the time Whatever So I'm getting that a lot And then I So this is one thing

We can do for content When we go over. Test this theory. I've never been. I'll walk down the street. I'll see what I get. Hey, great show the other night. Still got the ping pong ball. Your clitoris is huge. Not a noble lady.

No nobility at all. I didn't know you could piss out of one of them. Jesus Christ. Anyway, please let us back in. You've offended the king of clitoris now. The king of clitoris? That's the country she went to. She went to Clitoris.

She's got mates with old mate King. So, because I've been there a heap now, so I like to go to my favourite restaurants over there. I've got certain little places. Oh, so you have been there several times? Yeah, yeah, I've been to Samui a heap of times. Have you met this man? Yeah, he does look like a sex tourist.

No, I'm not. I've not done any of that stuff. So you went back to your favourite restaurants? Yeah. He does look like a sex tourist. No, I'm not. I've not done any of that stuff. So you went back to your favourite restaurants? Yes. Cafe 69? Oh, my God. Yes. Cafe 69.

Yes, I did. He's got a cafe 69. Yes. Cafe 69. What was the story? Last time you were with your girlfriend, you looked up this place and it had all the best reviews. On TripAdvisor.

We've got to go to this place. We've got to go to this place. Turns out with his girlfriend, they say the name of the place is Cafe 69. And she goes, we are not going in here. Because then I think as you brought it up, we're sitting there. It's like, that's literally

dinner for two. Cafe 69. Dinner for two. So we're sitting in there and it's like this porn sort of almost restaurant. It was like everything's like velour and like velvet. So this is what we couldn't work out at the time. Is this a cultural misunderstanding or are they fully aware and they're leaning into it?

Yeah. So anyway, I did go there but not to eat dinner because I didn't like the menu last time anyway. When they serve you, do they come up and go, are you hungry, baby? Just turn around and I'll I'll put up on social media I got a picture at the front of it

so I was there anyway so one of my favourite restaurants on the island is called Ninja Crepe Ninja Crepe yeah Ninja Crepe it's like they've got a 27 page menu and crepes are on one page of them I don't know why they called it that.

It's just like whatever. Because they're like ninjas. You barely see them. Oh, yeah. Like you're eating everything else and suddenly crepes appear. Actually, there's probably 20 pages of crepes, but I just can't see them. Or it's one page of crepes and then the rest is like throwing stars and swords and shit. I can't figure it out.

Why do they call it that? Have you ordered crepes there? Maybe they just throw them at you. I haven't. I literally haven't. Well, see, that's the thing. They fly off the fry pan and they land on your plate. Okay.

So I went to go there. Riff over. We worked it out. So done. I'm telling my Koh Samui stories. I don't give a fuck about what you cunts are talking about. No, that was lovely garnish on the side. Like the kind of garnish you get at Ninja Crape.

Yeah. What a great ad. We've got to get sponsored by them. So you've never had a crepe at this place? No. You've never had a crepe at Ninja Crape? No. So this guy walks past a restaurant,

sees the name and goes, this looks good. Can't wait to eat, can't wait to not eat that thing that's in the title of this place. Hey, I go off TripAdvisor. It's like Cafe 69. They rate it very well. go off TripAdvisor. It's like Cafe 69. They rate it very well.

Same with Ninja Crave. It was a legendary place. So I go there. They got, man, I wish I could show you the menu. There's like fucking 15 things on every page and they got like 30 pages in the menu. They got so much shit. Anyway, so I go to-

I don't trust the TripAdvisor. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I love it. I was in Hong Kong in a place called Mong Kok. Excuse me? What? Mong Kok. Mong Kok. it. I was in Hong Kong in a place called Mong Kok. Excuse me? What? Mong Kok.

Mong Kok. It's a part of Hong Kong. You called? Is that the shit place? No. No, no, no. It does sound like a shit place. Is that China?

No, no, no. I went on TripAdvisor and it said... I like your idea that I'm going to call out the biggest country in the world. That's shit place. China, the infamous Islamic Sultanate China. But no, yeah, we found the best place near us on TripAdvisor. It was called Golden Captain. I thought, awesome, we're going to get dumplings.

It was a fucking Italian pasta restaurant. I'm like, oh, this is just all white people. There's no proper Chinese food in China on TripAdvisor. I don't really put any stock in TripAdvisor. I keep meaning to but I feel like if you're going to go off it, you have to be contributing to it as well.

I do do that. Do you do that? I've got all sorts of freaking medals and shit on TripAdvisor. Oh, medals? Really? If you write good reviews, if you get lots of people looking at your reviews, you get medals and badges and shit. I don't really know what it means. I don't know how it translates. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm glad you said that because I did that because every time you put a review, you go, oh, you're only two off getting this bronze medal. And I'm like, okay. You've just received a helpful vote. What was your last place you gave a good review to? Renaissance New York Midtown Hotel. Oh, of course. Would you like to...

Man, it was a sick review. I even thanked someone by name. Man, I don't even know what... Here, I stayed here... I don't even know where it is. It's gone now. Here we go. I stayed here for three nights

after a long journey from Australia via LA. The location was great. We get it. So close to home. Customer service is what stood out for me. In particular, Rony was so helpful and incredibly proactive in assisting me throughout my stay. Definitely the sort of person you'd expect to see managing the hotel.

Wink. Put some pressure on to get him a promotion. Try to get her a promotion. Nice. My favourite TripAdvisor review was a place in Nelson Bay, like near Newcastle in New South Wales. And it said, there was no one on reception, I couldn't get any service, walked outside,

there was a koala in the tree, barely 50 metres from the hotel. I'm like, I don't understand what the tone of this review is. Is the koala a good thing? But then you're complaining about the people not being in reception. It's just like a run-on sentence. Can I say, if I was able to review all Chinese restaurants in Hong Kong, all Chinese restaurants in China, that's Hong Kong, I would give them all like zero stars.

Like those guys, so disrespectful. Like, you know, I walk into a restaurant and I see vegetarian dumplings on the menu. So I thought I've ordered vegetarian dumplings in Hong Kong like for the week that I was there a couple of years ago and all of them had freaking pork in it. And then I asked them every time I took a bite, I was like, oh, excuse me, there's pork in my vegetarian dumplings.

And they said, yeah. Wait, so hang on. It's also got vegetables in it. Like basically vegetarian dumplings just meant pork as an obvious base. How are they meant to get the vegetables in to stick in there without the meat? I don't know. You said every time you took a bite. Every single time. So you take a bite

and you're like, there's pork in this. Take another bite. Every time I went to a new restaurant, I said, is this vegetarian dumplings? And they said, yes. I'm not going to put on the accent because I'm not racist. We'll do it. So I literally take a bite and it's freaking pink pork shit that you guys eat.

And then I'm like, I can't eat this. And then they say, and then I just, you know. eat this and then they say and then I just throw it against the wall you didn't do a review on TripAdvisor no I don't think they have it there they probably

get on and give a bad review to the entire all of Hong Kong yeah I just want to Hong Kong one star if you want dumplings if you're vegetarian if you want vegetables

you just have to get vegetables just steamed vegetables that's all you can have how boring is that you'd die you'd literally die they're like forcing you to die over there. Because they don't eat cheese either.

Do you shit can people on TripAdvisor? On Airbnb, man. Oh, really? I shit can. We used to have this guy, Bart, in freaking – like we walked into the accommodation. My wife came home and this guy was just in there just fixing the TV, no notice, just fiddling around.

We didn't have hot water for like a whole two days. Like the things were falling off. Like the whole place was shit. We paid through our nose. Anyway, the guy writes a really nice review about us and you only see the reviews at the same time. He writes a really nice one and ours was just the worst. I hate that.

I'm always stressed because I'm nice about everyone and then you get to click and see. I'm like, oh, what if they've just fucking gone off? He's been real nice to you and you've gone, there's fucking pork all over the TV. Pork everywhere. Yeah, no hot water. I turn the tap on, pork starts coming out.

The bedroom milk is just full of pork. I thought I was getting a vegetarian house for fuck's sake. We stepped outside and went, oh, fuck fuck we were living in a pig this wasn't New York it was New Pork I've talked about this many times on the show before but I'm happy to keep bringing it up because I do want to try and sink this business

veggie bar on Brunswick Street many years ago served me a pizza that had glass in it oh it's infamous I've had like whole chunks of metal I'm iron filing on Brunswick Street many years ago served me a pizza that had glass in it. It's infamous. I've had like whole chunks of metal. I'm iron filing. Fair enough. None of that stuff comes from animals.

Glass is sand. Do you know what it is? You know where the kitchen is at the veggie bar? Yeah. Upstairs there's like a little seating section. Yeah. Yeah, so drunk assholes just drop shit and it falls in the food. And the veggie bar, rather than put a roof over the kitchen, just go, yeah, our customers are vegetarian.

They're not strong enough to complain. People are literally just throwing stuff into the pots and pans. Like it just falls, I think. That's hilarious. Like smashed glass. Because I took a bite and I felt it immediately and then I looked and I could see little bits all through it so I get the guy's attention and he was just not into it.

I'm like, hey man, there's glass in this. And he goes, how'd that get in there? Like, great question. I freaking hate vague Brunswick. But then he goes to me, this is what he said, he goes, well that's really weird because we've got a very strict no glass policy in the kitchen. I'm like, I've got the same thing about my mouth.

He's being hilarious because it happens 44 times a day. And so this is the thing. He goes, well, because I was only halfway through. And he goes, you'll be right to just finish that, won't you? Yeah. Because it happens all the time. And what was that? Was that Indian accent?

That was Brunswick accent. That's disaffected Brunswick street. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don't go there, Nazeem, because there's like pigs sitting upstairs. They fall down into it all the time. I know. It's called the veggie bar, but it's actually the pork bar. Pork bar was my nickname in high school. Hey, if there are pigs just sitting up there,

they're not exactly just going to be shaving bits of their flesh. They'd just fall in the pot. Hey, speaking of pigs, one of my friends... I'm right here. Got a card. She works in a Muslim organisation. A Merry Christmas card said, Hey, dear effing Muslim, Merry Christmas.

And then they sticky taped a bit of pork fat. What? Oh, I heard about that. But it's not really... Like, that doesn't offend us. It's just a waste of your food. You can't eat that shit. What a waste. Yeah, you're just not meant to eat it because it's revolting.

It's like a weird secret Santa. Who's this person who's trying to turn Christmas into a roast? But you could do that to me, dear fucking Carl. Merry fucking Christmas and then put a bit of pineapple there. I was like, I don't like eating that either. Pineapple's the worst Yeah I hate it

Yeah that's good I like that tradition If we take it away from race based stuff Hey make it vegetables and shit Yeah You don't eat vegetables Maccas there's no vegetables I eat vegetables

Yeah I don't eat maccas Not over a bin Yeah You can't eat vegetables over a bin Well alright So we get back to this So the ninja crate

Are there a lot of bins in Thailand? Is that what you like? I told you The whole place is a bin. Well, alright, so we get back to this. So, the ninja crates. Are there a lot of bins in Thailand? Is that what you like? I've told you, the whole place is a bin. Oh! Oh, you're going to have to write a letter.

Oh, shit. Six months time, Mr Chandler, just step this way, please. While they're in mourning and you kick them while they're down. I meant it was...

As in every piece of rubbish is in its place? But the whole place is... No, I mean... I'm distancing myself from you. How would Ronnie feel? Sensitive. Yeah, exactly.

So I went looking for... Ronnie's tie. As the Thai people would say, you're very bad, man. When did I end up in an episode of Mind Your Language? Carry on in Thailand. So anyway, where was your story going? So I went to go to Ninja Crepes. Oh, Ninja Crepes.

Ninja Crepes. I went to go to Ninja Crepes. I go down the street, turn around the corner to get to it. The whole block has been demolished. Oh, ninja crepes. Ninja crepes. Where did you get ninja crepes? I go down the street, turn around the corner to get to it. The whole block has been demolished. Oh. The whole block has been absolutely wiped out. A whole block of businesses is absolutely gone. So it's like Preston.

I don't know what the connection of Thailand to fucking outer suburbs of Melbourne is for you. I don't live here anymore, so I come home and I'm like, oh, there was a suburb there. It's like having Dave O'Neill on the podcast. Very specific geographical references. So then I went out to the east of Thailand. Oh, look, it's like Mentone. Anyway, so...

But you wanted to go there. No one wants to go to Mentone. So they demolished this whole block. I'm like, oh, fuck. So I go to this other restaurant and go, what happened over there? And they were like, oh, yeah, just apparently because the government sort of own everything, apparently they just sort of rocked up one day and went, yeah, you guys are all out. If you want to get your gear from out the kitchen, you can get it.

But we're knocking down the block today. Wow. Fuck. For what? I presume, because they knocked down the whole block, so they've got to be selling to some big resort. You know, like they keep building up and up.

There'll be a big, big holiday resort there. Anyway. Or was it like that, if your business isn't doing that well, we'll just knock it down? No, no, no, no, no. Brutal.

No, because they cleared the block. We'll be looking at TripAdvisor, and you'll be getting some free stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a bit too much pork in your veggie roll. If this Australian comedian's not into it, you are done. Yeah, apparently in Thailand if you want to own a property or a business,

you can only own 49% and someone Thai has to own the other 51%. Damn straight. That's the way it should be, mate. Keep Thai Thai. So, yeah, keep people me out. So I go, oh, fuck, right. So I go back. Favorite lady boy lived down there.

Yeah. I look up TripAdvisor. TripAdvisor says Ninja Crape is closed. I'm like, fuck. So a couple of days later, I don't know why I think about it. I go to the Facebook page and they go, and the Ninja Crape page says, yeah, we've closed down. No notice, I'm really sorry but we are opening up in a new location

and it describes the location and I can't figure out where they're talking to me. I'm like, oh well. So I then get in a cab and go to a market out in the middle of, like way away from where I'm staying. Mentone. Yeah, sorry. Oh, Maribyrnong.

It was a fair way out. Oh, okay. There was Stinky River? Yeah, yes. There was a lot of them. Oh, come on. Here we go. Here he goes again. No, no,yrnong. It was a fair way out. Oh, okay. There was Stinky River? Yeah, yes. There was a lot of them. Oh, come on. Here we go. Here he goes again.

No, no, I love it. I'm not insulting anyone. You love Stinky River, do you? No. No, Maribyrnong. It's quite stinky. It's Stinky River. You love fucking Bin City.

Oh, yeah. I love it. No. It's not like primary school. You love Bin City. Koh Samui is Thai for ugh. No. Samui is gorgeous.

It's so good. It's so good. Anyway, so... Sorry, Michael Hing, if you're listening. Wow. These boys... Is that just insulting towards things that stink? No, he's Thai.

Anyway, so... Some form of Asian. Yes. He does actually listen, so this is great. He's from where my girlfriend went. No. No, it wasn't. Sydney.

Sydney. North Sydney. Yeah. Some elite suburb. Yeah. So. His English is really good. Sorry, Dilruch.

I feel like I should apologise to my boyfriend at some point. Sorry, Dilruch. So, anyway. I can imagine you and Dilruch going at it. Oh, dear. I just pictured it being like You know those little things That people have on their desk

Where you pull one of the balls Yes And go back and forth Yes Can you imagine the look on someone's face When we walk into a restaurant together Everyone else out We've made our budget tonight

Yeah No I know the reaction Hey everyone We've got to budget tonight Yeah No I know the reaction Hey everyone We've got to make that door wider They're holding hands again Sorry Josh Earl He's the skinniest comedian I can think of

This is a textbook episode Of this show Everyone's getting buffed He's getting buffed now Josh He's been going to the gym I know Everyone wants to be Tommy Little Sorry Tommy Little Yeah to be Tommy Little.

Sorry, Tommy Little. Yeah, everyone except Tommy Little. He wants to be Dave Thorne. Oh, no. Oh, no. Sorry, our careers. I think the King of Thailand is our least concern now. This week is the 20th anniversary of my first gig.

My career's done. I'm just going to burn you cunts while I'm on the bridge. Was this part of your 20 year plan when you started out? One day, in two decades time,

I'm going to take down everyone. I'll be standing on a bridge on fire. So, I get in the taxi, I go to this market, we're nearly at the market,

we go past, in the middle of fucking nowhere, middle of nowhere, massive sign, Ninja Crate. I found where it is. By accident. By accident. It was karma. Yeah. So we get to the market and I go, oh, it was only like about 500 metres to a K back.

I'll just walk back in the dark. So I walk back along this fucking terrible little road on the way back there. Stupid idea. It's just full of terrible roads, isn't it? It's a bin, according to him. You love this place, but every landmark in all your stories, there's always some piece of shit in the middle of the place. Don't you hate poor places?

They're just so poor. That's great. There's heaps to complain about. I love it. It's the same way he talks about Tommy, though. He goes, I'm going to do a podcast with that piece of shit. But I keep coming back. That's my 20-year plan.

Picks these two things up. So. As a sex tourist, he goes. Oh, man. If you were a sex tourist, you'd go somewhere better than Desolo. I don't know. Hey, I'm exotic at least. So I walk back.

I get back to Ninja Crave. I go back to this place. It's like in the middle of fucking nowhere. It's the worst location, like in terms of a business. Nowhere near anything. I get back there. I walk in the door. You're really selling it.

Yeah. No, but it's great. I walk in the door and the lady the chef that's always the boss of it that's always the chef well she owns it right

so I walk in there's no one in the restaurant this is a restaurant that used to be you had to line up to get into because it was in this great location

there's no one in the restaurant she walks in and goes oh you're back wow yeah where's your lady boyfriend yeah so I walk in there by myself and I'm like and she's like Wow. Yeah. Where's your lady boyfriend? So I walk in there by myself and I'm like, and she's like,

because there's no one in the restaurant, she just comes and sits with me and is like nearly crying. She's so excited. I think, and again, I think it's a little bit like maybe there was some form of recognition, but I think mainly it was like I was a person in her restaurant. There was no one else. I had that the first time I went to Japan, me and Ben, who I was with, we were in an Airbnb and underneath our Airbnb there was this weird little Mexican bar that we would go into and we would end up there every night.

We would get drunk in there until about 5 a.m., got to know all the staff in this week we were there. We're like, man, this place is so good. I would recommend anyone go there when they come back. Stay in this Airbnb. You've got this cool bar with awesome people in it every night. Within, like, I think we both liked the page on Facebook for the bar. Two days after we leave Japan, they put a thing up going,

sad news, everyone, we have to close down. And we're like, did we keep that place afloat for its final week? Like, did we? Well, maybe it was your review that just attracted the wrong sorts of... Australian fuckboys coming in. I've heard you really lose with the sound system here. Jack me in. I've got some good music.

So you sat down with the chef lady? Yeah, sat down. So I'm just like thinking, oh, I'm keeping the business afloat now. So I'm just ordering entrees, mains. You sure she worked there? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure she I'm keeping the business afloat now. So I'm just ordering entrees, mains. Are you sure she works there? Yes. Are you sure she's just working the bar? No, no.

Because I recognise her from all the other times. All the other times. Yeah. Yeah. So and she's got like six staff there as well. It's like I was the only customer. So I'm thinking. How long have they been in this new location for?

Did you get any? Like three days. Right. Okay. And so it's in the middle of nowhere basically. Right. So you've walked in. There's her, six of her staff and you're feeling the pressure to keep her and her six staff fed.

Yeah, I'm paying the wages at this stage, so I'm just ordering everything. It's like daddy's come home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought so much. Did you finally order a crepe? No. So you sat down.

What did she do? I ordered all this stuff and then she's... They actually have the biggest profit margin that's why they yeah yeah well i'm ordering heaps i'm getting so drunk because i'm ordering heaps of beers because i'm like at least i definitely want that so she was just sitting there with you going please order more no no no no she was being we're very hungry no no she was being very nice about she's just like oh i'm so glad i'm so it's so good to see you and i'm like going i i still think you don't recognize me i still think you don't know me but you're just you're just doing that thing you're just going yeah yeah great welcome back

whoever you are so i'm ordering all this stuff i'm ordering all this food and i'm not i'm sort of not touching it and she's going you haven't finished this i'm like it doesn't matter just bring me something else i just want to buy stuff and whatever uh and i'm tipping her with all this money and and so she's like losing the plot going, oh, this is so good. Plenty. Then, well, whatever. This guy. So. Yella.

Yeah. So. Just throw all the money in the air. Yeah. I'd love if you're sitting there and you're like, they don't really remember me. This is just put on. Doesn't realise he's sitting in front of a gigantic oil painting of himself.

Yeah. And it's like, oh, we thought you were dead. We love the podcast here in the himself. Yeah. And it's like, oh, we thought you were dead. We love the podcast here in the bin. We call it a bin cast. So then another couple walk in finally. So I'm like, oh, the pressure's off a little bit. So this other couple walk in. They live across the road.

So they're like, oh, yeah, we just sort of found out that this place exists or whatever. So she would have definitely had to say, welcome back. Good to see you again. To them? Yeah. Oh, I'm not sure. I didn't follow the language, so I don't know. Anyway.

No, that's just a literal thing. What do you think of the language? It's great. I love it. Cop and Carl. So what? That's thank you. Oh, I thought you said cop and Carl.

Yeah. In a sense, all the listeners right now are cop and Carl. He thinks that's thank you. Oh, I thought you said cop and Carl. Yeah. In a sense, all the listeners right now are cop and Carl. He thinks that means thank you. That's just what the lady boys say when they're lining him up. Gonna cop it, Carl. Nothing would make me happier than a listener getting in touch now and going, no, that means go fuck yourself. Hey, I looked it up.

Strange looking white man. So they come in because they're the only people in the restaurant and I'm pretty pissed at this stage. All of a sudden I'm like, I'm talking to these guys. So I end up talking to the guy. Is it a formal restaurant? Is it what? Is it like a nice restaurant?

It's, yeah. It sounds pretty casual. It's pretty casual. You're looking at a man. You're just walking up to other tables going No, no, no. You know me. I'm back. This is a guy who eats Nando's over a bean.

It's not a nice restaurant. It's a flower drum. It's like open air. It's a bit of an open air restaurant on the side of a road. So it's not, yeah, it's not. There's no Michelin stars involved. It's like open air It's a bit of open air restaurant On the side of a road So it's not Yeah It's not There's no Michelin stars involved

So It's excellent though I heartily recommend it There is a pile of tyres next to it On fire Yeah Something like that Have you gone in on TripAdvisor?

Yes Multiple times What do they get? Out of five what do they get? Five KC five I'm not going to be stingy With these poor guys

Not when he's drunk Yeah It's excellent Anyway And the owner's giving him a gobby Under the table That was a leap Yeah I'm not going to be stingy with these poor guys. Not when he's drunk. Yeah. It's excellent. Anyway. And the owner's giving him a gobby under the table. That was a leap. Yeah.

Why is everything, why do all my Thailand stories have to end like that? Because most people go to Thailand as sex tourists. I don't do that. Anyway, I'm a food tourist over there. You keep going. So that tip wasn't really a tip. That was just payment for. Services rendered.

So you're going over to this random couple yeah so I end up talking to this guy neither of them are ladyboys very uncharacteristic definitely not

so anyway the guy the guy's like this English expat and so I'm talking to him about the restaurant and whatever

it's going on and on we're getting along fine I'm getting drunker and drunker anyway you're looking at him going this is the dream yeah totally

how'd you do it tell me everything he's doing all that telling me about drunker and drunker. Anyway, he started – You're looking at him going, this is the dream. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. How'd you do it? Tell me everything. Yeah, he's doing all that, telling me about his life there. He's been there for 10 years and so I'm going, oh, you know, what happened? What made you come here? And I'm starting to go – Well, he used to host a podcast. Yeah.

But like you said, Adam, right, because you're saying, you know, you can't own anything. You can't be there unless you're a local. So I start going, well, how do you live here? Because isn't there some ownership laws or whatever? He goes, hey, I'm a real estate agent. I know how to get around that. Oh, wow.

And then he starts explaining to me exactly what you do and all of this sort of stuff. And then he starts going, yeah, because I'm a real estate. You know what? I'll give you my card. I'll give you a house. No. Anyway, he starts giving me the full sale.

And he's got all these Pictures of houses That he's building On his phone And he starts going Well I've got this For sale now Don't tell me

You bought a place And so I'm getting Drunker and drunker Going this fucking Sounds alright Oh no I get to a stage Where I'm like

I'm pretty I'm pretty close To closing the deal here Wow The prices He's quoting me Like I can sit here And explain to you

How much Was it Man he was like 80 grand That's a much I would love With this story The ultimate irony You couldn't buy a place

Like that in Maribyrnong? Yeah Well you could But it's a cupboard Yeah I would love the ultimate irony Of this story to be That you bought a house

And it was on the site Of the old Yeah yeah Oh yes Like if If you're a decent storyteller That's how it would end That's the end of a festival show

Right there Yeah Yeah So get this guy Get this He's got six months Get him to build us a house We can take all our podcast guests

Over to Yes That's what I'm thinking Did you ask him for a freaking A podcastable venue No but he Cause he was like You know

We had quite a long conversation So he's like You plugged the show right No well he was He gave it There's no one in Ninja Crape. So he's like saying. You plugged the show, right? No, well, he gave it up. There's no one in Ninja Crate. We could do the podcast there. But that's what I said. I was getting drunk and I was going, you know,

the lady who owns it is so excited about just me being there. So I start getting drunk and going, I'll solve all your problems. We're all coming to Thailand. The podcast is coming to Thailand. And I'm going to bring everyone I know here. And you're going to make so much money. And she's like. I don't know anything about alcohol, but it sounds like when you drink, I was coming to Thailand and I'm going to bring everyone I know here and you're going to make so much money. And she's like, oh.

I don't know anything about alcohol, but it sounds like when you drink, you just become a dumbass. Yes. And very generous and sweet. Just bringing a hope sign. She's probably decorating the place right now. So I'm saying all this stuff and the English guy's going, oh, so you've got some big radio show in Melbourne.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, cool, radio. That's what I've got. So he's like, oh, that's big. Sometimes I'm here, sometimes Dill's here. Huge. So he's like going, oh, that's cool. You can come over and you can buy this house and then you can set up your own radio station here in Coast of Melbourne.

Oh, my God. Whatever. I'm like, oh, I think I've oversold what I do Yeah No but you know there's like Imagine this going down This is your main radio station This is your

Samui FM Yeah And this talks on Samui FM Get him to I don't know Get him to Get his real estate company To sponsor us going over

Yeah do you have his card Look you just gotta pretend That you're You're 90% there right Yeah And then you just need to go over there To seal the deal Yeah But just you know Hey, you've just got to pretend that you're 90% there, right? And then you just have to go over there to seal the deal. But just, you know, hey, do you mind just sorting out the flights? I'm a bit busy.

Like, make it out like the flight. It's not about you not having the money. You just don't have the time to book it. So if you book the flights, you know, I'll be there. You know what? We need – This is how to scam a real estate agent. I don't know. I think I'm messing on his home ground.

You guys need to hook up with one of those shit comedians who's not funny that always seems to have amazing gigs because they just talk themselves up all the time you need one of them

instead of all us assholes who don't give a shit don't say the name of who you're thinking of I'm going to have to edit this already I don't have time

going up to it alright because you're right because this has actually got a heap of listeners where you see people with no listeners or no fan base

and all of a sudden they've got all this sponsorship. It's like, you guys are fucking assholes, but you're great at it. We're actually doing all right, but we're hopeless at getting fucking stuff going on. Yeah, that's because every time... Don't shit on Yalamite. Every time you do get a sponsor,

you fucking take a turd into their product. What? Did you shit in a yogurt? No, no. No. They love it. It's content. shit in a yogurt? No, no. That's custard, Jack. No. They love it.

It's content. They love it. It's good branding. No. It's working it into the show. It wasn't yogurt. Now it's chocolate mousse, apparently. What the hell they make?

Well, hey, we'd better start to wrap this up. So, Adam, Nazeem, are you in? If we go to Thailand in June, are you in for the trip? Mate, I am down. I am down. Is it a whole week or just a weekend? I can't do a whole week with you cunts. You're a barrel of joy to hang around.

Let's do a count of how many people you dropped a shit on. You're going to try and fundraise for this. Yeah, exactly. Are you wanting us to come because there'll just be more booze for the rest of you? So you're going to get listeners to pay for you guys to go on holiday to... No, we're going to... We're not getting... Look, we've got to work out the funding. We're raising funds, sponsorship.

You're going to bring over a listener, right? Just one. Just one listener. Just one listener. An attractive one. We've put out the call. A lot of listeners are going to want to have their holiday at the same time of year and are going to come over.

That would be crazy. There's so much interest. When I was going to the hotels, I was saying, what's your discount if I bring 50 people? If I bring 100 people in? That's like booking a venue for your birthday party. How many do you reckon? 100.

You know what? Why don't you just actually call up the Thai embassy and say, hey, we're a couple of comedians. We would like to do an ad for Thailand. We should go over there and do it. Yeah, we'd like to do an ad for Thailand. Hi, it's a bin. I used to think Thailand was just one big bin.

Now I think it's lots of bins. I used to think Thailand was just one big bin. Now I think it's lots of bins. A lovely road work system. So, he's tried that, Nazeem. He's hit up the tourism board.

I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I want to hit up bloody anything to do with any form of sponsorship. Seriously, you've got to hook up with like a shit comedian.

Yeah. Why do you keep wanting to hook up with shit comedians? Well, just because they get everything done. And then you just edit them out of the podcast. Not bad. You get them only... You know how you always do a non-recorded drunk podcast? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just get them on that one. That's not bad. That's not a bad idea at all. I like this. So, hey, if you're listening and you've never been on the show before and all of a sudden you get hit up by us in the next month, hey, want to come to Thailand, you'll know. If you've got a lot going on except for laughter from crowd.

Expect a call. No, no, those guys think the audience is laughing. I love them. They come backstage and they're, I fucking killed. I'm like, yeah, you killed the atmosphere. All right, we've we gotta wrap this up Adam Richard have you got anything

that you'd care to plug before we head out of here I'm doing Carl's show on Thursday will this be up before that yeah you'll be coming

down to Thursday comedy at the European Beer Cafe yes very quickly at the end of that story that guy took off

he got so drunk he got drunk as, and then he just went home. And so I'm stuck there drinking by myself. And then they're like, the owner's like, oh, we'll give you a ride home. I'm like, oh, awesome, awesome. Anyway, what happens is they pull up the ute, and I just have to jump on the back of the ute. And they put me on the back of the ute with the kitchen staff. And then they just give me two long necks. And so I'm like drinking these long necks on the back of the ute with the kitchen staff and then they just give me two long necks

and so I'm like drinking these long necks on the back of the ute and we drive half an hour into town and I've got these two kids, these two Thai kids from the kitchen and I'm like, how you going boys? and they're like, uh, uh we're just here to harvest your organs they don't speak English at all so I'm stuck on the back of a ute for half an hour

With these two kids And we're just driving And I'm like really drunk So I'm yelling out at people on the white bus Hey ladies Yeah Sounds like you're back in Maryborough Yeah

Have you thought of getting a tattoo In Thai that says alcoholic And pointing to your liver and kidney saying No good Yeah That's a good idea Nazeem you've got your comedy festival show Comedy festival and pointing to your liver and kidney saying, no good. That's a good idea. Nazeem, you've got your comedy festival show on sale this year.

Yeah, all on sale. Also, I'll be doing some trial shows. What? Trial shows? Don't advertise your trial shows. So professional. I need trial shows because I haven't written anything and it forces me to get up and then say different words. Also, they really are trials.

But then you get your scabs that go along to those shows. Man, so they're all free free as shit don't advertise I'm saying don't say that like your proper show okay now come to

the Comedy Festival show in Melbourne Sydney he sells tickets anyway he'd probably like to have your assholes at his free show

public frenemy it's called NazeemHussain.com I guess NazeemHussain.com for tickets and you're on a Netflix show is that out next year I love Carl'sussain.com I guess. And you're on a Netflix show.

I love Carl's. Was Carl's one of your messages where you're like hey man, congrats on the Netflix gig. I don't know what it is, but it's a gig. That was not my message. That was Carl. He wasn't talking about the show. He was talking about the entire Netflix platform. Still haven't got my head around it.

Is it just you reading out your TripAdvisor? Pretty much. It's called Bill Nye Saves the World. No one outside of America knows who Bill Nye is. Oh, I know Bill Nye, the science guy. Yeah, the science guy. He's awesome. Yeah, so when's that up? I don't know.

They say in fall or spring. Fall. Fall or spring. So I think it's like March. Okay, great. Keep an eye out for that. We've got to get out of here, guys. Thank you so much for joining us.

Thanks, Tom. And we'll see you next time. See you, mates.