The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 325 - Live! Celia Pacquola, Nick Cody, Josh Earl & Dilruk Jayasinha

Episode Date: December 28, 2016

Gavin From Geelong, Wedding Planning & Ronny's Stuff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Adelaide, we have just put a live episode during the Adelaide Fringe Festival on sale on our website now, littledumbdumbclub.com. Carl, what are we thinking? Fuck knows. It's sort of nearly against what I want to happen. I've written off Adelaide. Fuck, fucking hell. Yeah. But hey, please come down.

Yeah, I guess. Come for Tommy. Yeah. That's going to be amazing. That's going to be, yeah, during the Adelaide Fringe. Those shows are always really fun. There's heaps of guests around for us to have our little peek of the litter. That's going to be awesome. Brisbane is also on sale.

And let's be clear on Adelaide. What we are doing, we're going to do a double episode. There's no stand-up. So, hey, there's no excuse not to come down. Yes, yes. Brisbane, doing a live episode there during the Brisbane Comedy Festival. Again, lots of people in town that we are going to beg to come on our show. Yeah, be sure, be clear at knowing this.

We are doing them during times where we have big names in your little towns. So we are going to have super awesome guests there. So Brisbane, we know you guys love it and you guys have been asking for another episode for ages. So we are definitely coming. So get on. You've bought a bunch of tickets already. So keep getting onto that, please. And we will announce a second show very shortly

by the look of things. Yeah, awesome. Also Melbourne, heaps of tickets flying out the door. There's season passes that get you into all four of the live episodes that we do during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Individual shows are also on sale now if you're only in town for one week or you only want to come to one.

Yeah. Know this. I reckon, I'm tipping it, I reckon by the time Festival comes around, there will be no room to get in. So don't be thinking that you can leave it go. By the look of things, some shows, I mean, I know this is December. The show's until April. Some of these shows are half full.

They were all, like last year, they were all very, very nearly full. Yeah. Like very nearly sold out. And our numbers have gone up a lot in the last year. So, yeah, they're all going to be sold out. I'm calling it. Yeah, these shows are nearly half full, some of these shows. Yes.

So, get on to it. Yes. So, yeah, all of that stuff, all of that ticket stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. If you like the show and you like to support it, if you can't come to a live gig or whatever, you want to chip in and let us know that you enjoy the show

in your little podcast feed every week. We are on Patreon, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You get a bunch of rewards at different price points. For five bucks, you get a magazine that we send out every month that we work really hard on where we write little articles and I draw comics and stuff like that. $10 a month, you get the magazine plus a bonus episode that we record

that are always really fun. And for $2 or more, you get your name read out here at the start of the show which has fast become the listener's favourite part of the show. Which listeners? Name them. Tommy Dasolo. Right, okay. I guess you do listen back.

Yeah, because I get paid for it. Yeah, I don't listen back. Well, let's do a bit of a quick run through of some of those said listeners. Let's go. Big thank you to Kate. Always good to get a female listener chucking a bit of money in. Yep. Out of their purse.

Or wallet. No, I'm going to say only purse. Only purse. Only purse. Big call. Yeah. It's 2016, Carl. Yeah, well, for a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. What's going to happen? Where are they going to pay out of their, what, in 2017? 2017, it goes back to just being cool to say whatever you want. Okay, cool. Yeah. Right.

Okay, thank you, too. Kate. Well, here we go. Yep. Kate Lovitska. Ooh. Lovitsky. Lovitska.

Lovitsky. Oh, I'm love... You're Lovitsk. I'm Lovitsk. I'm Lovitsking all this money that she's giving. Yes. John Lovits. No, I like the first one.

Yeah, Kate. You're Kate Lovitsking her money. Hmm. Yeah. Thanks, Kate. Sounds a bit Lovinsky-ing her money. Yeah. Thanks, Kate. Sounds a bit like Lewinsky. Oh, yeah. Monica Lewinsky.

She's leaving a bit of a $5 stain on your skirt there. Yeah. I did not get $5 a month from that woman. Let's get that $5 and buy a big old cigar with it. Thanks, Mon. How about I get this $5 note and stick it right up your oval office? Oh, wow.

Thanks, Tricky Bill. Right up your oval orifice. Thanks, Kate. Thanks, Kate. All right. Now, thank you, too. Oh, now, here's a big thank you. You know why this is a big thank you?

This needs to be a big thank you. Because this is to one of the – look, this is the white whale. This is what we've been chasing the whole time. This is a $50 Patreon. Is this one of the ones where you have to fuck us? Oh, yeah. What is 50? What is 50? What is 50?

I think 50 is a ticket. 50 is a magazine, the t-shirt. Magazine, bonus episode, t-shirt, and I think a ticket to a show. Yeah. Right, okay. One of them is like you go out for dinner with us. With your mum or something. My parents take you out for dinner.

Yeah. Boy, I hope no one ever does that. Yeah, exactly. That's going to be a tough phone call to make. Get on patreon.com slash little Dumbo Club and you'll find all of the stupid little things that we didn't put a lot of thought into that we said you can have if you give us a lot of money.

Yes. So anyway, thank you to number one Patreon at the moment. This is... I think it's a she. Ashley. A-S-H-L-E-I-G-H, that is. Ashley. Oh, fuck, we've already done her.

I just went through my records. You know what? I didn't mention how much money it was. I think she's worth a separate mention. Of course. Absolutely. Ashley Collins. Because we did debate whether that was a girl or a boy.

Yes. Yes. So I assume that's a girl. Piped up and said I'm a girl. Did she? Yes. Okay. Thanks, Ashley.

Thanks, Ashley. That was worth a second mention. Yeah. 50 bucks assume that's a girl. Piped up and said, I'm a girl. Did she? Yes. Okay. All right. Thanks, Ashley. Thanks, Ashley. That was worth a second mention. Yeah. 50 bucks. It's a big pineapple. What do you do for work, Ashley, where you can just chuck ass 50 bucks? Yeah. I'd love to know.

Tell us your job. Are you a professional millionaire? Is that your job? Yes. Harley Brin, do you want to join in on this ad? No. Absolutely not. Ashley Collins will pay you 50 bucks.

Let's get through it. All right. So thank you to Jay Abadie. Jay Abadie. Yeah. Not Abadie as far as I'm concerned, but Goody because he's chipping in money. More Jay Agoodie. That's good.

Everyone's good in this story. Is this the bit that happens at the start of your show now that goes forever? Yes. That people love. I'm happy to make it longer. All right, all right. A couple to go. Thank you to Dan Jacobs.

Not giving us much, Dan. How much did he give you? I think it was five bucks. Wait, what was that last guy? The guy before this, what was his name? Jay Abadie. Jay. Did you just come in because you heard the word Jay

and you thought you were fucking sparking up in here? Yes, and how much do I have to give you to not name any of these people? Oh, wow. Seriously. Oh, what, you're going to... I will supersede their pay. Oh, really? Yeah, so whatever they paid, I'll pay you to not say their name.

Okay. You can do that for this next one. No, there's John Smith coming up, but if you want to pay to not name him, sure. Just send him. Oh, fuck. What does he pay? Two grand a month, right?

I pay four grand. Oh, man. We've got to bring this guy to auctions. What was that other one? Dan Jacobs. Dan Jacobs. That's a tough name to work with. Danny Jacobs.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck, that was an Essendon football player. Well, there you go. Maybe it's him. Oh, well, thank you. Maybe it's the same guy. Thank you to all the AFL players that are subscribing to our podcast. Essendon player.

Which I believe is Zero. You don't know? Thanks. Well, yeah. Look, shout out. Essendon player Which I believe is zero You don't know Thanks Well yeah Look shout out I'm asking right now Do any professional sports people Yes

Listen to our podcast Great Apart from At least one Well Shelley Shelley who is the Medal winning Paralympian

Oh yeah Shelley Chaplin I work with her at the ABC Yes Yes What Yeah Yeah that's her Yeah Yeah Okay I work with her at the ABC Yes Yes What? Yeah Yeah, that's her

Yeah Yeah Okay I'm glad that you stretched those three yips out She famously called us Good content We've made it longer Called us on stage once during a live podcast

And asked you to leave the stage to come carry her up the stairs Yes And she also volunteered her wheelchair at the live 300th episode Oh, to be crowd surfed Yeah Yeah and volunteered her wheelchair at the live 300th episode. Oh, to be crowd surfed. Yeah. Yeah. And so then we had a wheelchair up on stage for a long time of which I don't know what she was doing.

Sitting in a chair? Yeah. No, she wasn't. Oh, in a chair. Oh, yeah. Just a chair. Oh, yeah. She doesn't have to move anywhere.

To be fair, there's not many options for what she could be doing. Yeah. It's one of two things. It's sitting on another chair or lying on the ground. Another mystery solved. Myth busted. Thanks, Jacob. Thanks, Danny.

Thank you, too. Now, someone who, look, I really appreciate the work that everyone does and chucking money, but I'm just putting it out there. If this is your real name, if this is your real name, God is telling you to be a stripper. Okay. Thank you to Brittany Wild. Nice.

Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Pawn star or stripper? Which one? Well, you don't have to be either. You could be an accountant. No, I think it's a waste of a name.

You can just be whatever you want. It's a waste of a name. Someone is telling you. But the thing is, everyone in those professions... Brittany Wild, yeah, your parents are telling you. But the thing is everyone in those professions. Your parents are telling you and then you should probably just separate yourself.

But it's the opposite because it's everyone in those professions. They use a different name. Yeah. So she can't use it. She's got to use something else. So like instead of changing your name to get into porn it's like she's got to change her name to get into accountancy. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. She's got to change her name to Dolores Smith to get into accountsy.

Brittany Wild with an E on the end as well. Oh, yeah, no, she's a stripper. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Thanks, Brittany. Yeah, thank you for putting the money into our veritable G-strings out here in the little dum-dum club.

You don't have to chip in money. I'm sure we could work out some contra for this. Fuck. Wow. Oh, no. He did it. He actually, no. He did it. He actually said it. You did it.

No, but what Tommy means is in case she's an accountant, she could do our taxes. Balance our books. She can do it. Yep. Yeah. I'm glad I joined this. Yeah.

She can cook my books. I'm going to go back into your room. It feels like a stripper den. Thanks, man. Yeah. It's all right, man. It's fine. What a wild name anyway, which reminds me, it brings up the last name here. Thanks, man. Yeah. So anyway, what a wild name anyway,

which reminds me and brings up the last name here. Okay, here we go. You wouldn't have listened to this bit. The last one, just coincidentally, the last name we always read out is always a little weird. A wild. We've already had Brittany Wild with an A at the end, so what's this one?

Well, you know, really that could have been the last one because I think that's pretty wild. It's pretty epic. It's literally wild. It's Britney wild. She's wild. Yeah, she's wild. Wild, okay.

Is that a reference to something? I feel like it is. I don't get that. It's wild. You sound like Ronnie Jane doing Nick Cody. She's wild. What of it? It feels like that's a quote from something, but I don't know where it's from. You were nowhere near as mental as Ronnie Jane would sound doing Nick Cody. She's like, what? What of it? It feels like that's a quote from something,

but I don't know where it's from. She's floating around my head. You were nowhere near as mental as Ronnie Chang would sound doing Nick Cody. Oh, that's very nice of you to say. You sounded normal and together. Yeah, you could say that of everyone in the world. You don't sound as mental as Ronnie Chang. Yeah, you could say that about the fucking Unabomber.

You sound normal. So what's this last name? Let's get Martin Bryan on the show Let's not and say we did Let's not even do that Okay who we got? Who's this last name? The last name is

Let me have a good look here Let me have a good Let's have a read Let's read a name out Consonants and vowels To make a sound When you break it down like that a good let's have a read yeah let's have a let's read a name let's use consonants and vowels to make a sound when you break it

down like that I'm starting to get this really for the listener he's really he's doing a lot of work on the keyboard

he's really I think he's opening up some folders to get this one out doing a bit of a wank I don't know why it's not just on the same page as all the

others yeah I don't know it's taking a fair bit of time to get to well to be honest you don't do the Patreon you know I'm the one who has to get the name.

Is my brother a Patreon? Yeah, he is. He must be. Yeah, we've read him out. He's a coined up chippy and he loves you guys. We've read his name out already and we shan't be doing it again. Sinclair Brain. Fuck! A free one, buddy. Love you. Yeah, that's, that is,

that was actually the name I was going to write. I thought that was a bit controversial. It's an odd name. I thought I was thinking. There's two surnames in a row. Yeah, is, oh the name I was going to write. I thought that was a bit controversial. It's an odd name. I thought I was thinking. There's two surnames in a row. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I guess so. I wouldn't even count Breen as a surname, to be honest. I don't know what that is.

Yeah, I don't even count it. It's a sound effect. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Breen. Oh, bop, wop, wop, Breen. It's the sound of the car driving off. Breen.

It's the sound. No, it's the sound of the bonnet of a car coming off and hitting you in the head. It's the sound of a failed marriage. It's the stamp coming down on the divorce papers. I think Sinclair has to double his fee now because we've given him this extra share. That's fair. Double your fee, you shit cunt. Yeah, yeah.

Now that we've insulted your name a lot of times, you should give us more money. Well, to be fair, that's how it's worked so far. Yeah, totally. Okay, so what have you got? Oh, that'll do. Really? Really?

Wait, is that the name? First name, battle. Battle. Last name, battle. Battle. Thanks, Really? Wait, is that the name? First name, that'll. That'll. That'll. Thanks, that'll. Thanks, that'll. That'll. Get on in, that'll.

Is there a lot of people with a Christian name with an apostrophe inside? I don't know. I don't know too many. That'll. All right, guys. Patreon.com slash... It's Undo's brother, I think. Undo that'll.

Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub, LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all the tickets to the live shows that we've got coming up. Yeah, we'll see you. We've also got T-shirts and all that stuff on there. See you at a live show soon. Enjoy this episode. Merry Christmas, mates! Welcome to the Little Dundum Club, live on Christmas Eve at the European Beer Cafe.

Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Turn the fucking music down. Standing next to me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Guys, it's very obvious. We all know what we are here to celebrate.

This is it, the official engagement party of Carl Chandler. And just like Christmas, some people don't believe in it. There's a young lady out there who is about to have coal in the stocking of her life for many, many years to come now. Fuck it, he's got me out of giving a Christmas present, that's for sure. Yeah. I said to you, what are you getting for your girlfriend for Christmas? Sorry, fiancé for Christmas. And you said, nah, nothing. And I went, wow, what are you getting for your girlfriend for Christmas? Sorry, fiancé for Christmas. And you said, nah, nothing.

And I went, wow, wild move. And you went, to be fair, I am about to get her a very expensive piece of jewellery. Now, about to when the proposal has already happened. Like, that's out of whack. But that's not how gift giving works. Like, you know that, right? Oh, please school me. Like, you can't go, sorry, mum didn't get you anything this year.

Yeah, because I'm not getting engaged to her. I don't know what it's like in your family. Well, I'm engaged to my mum and I still got her a fucking gift. So how do you feel about that? Well, that's fair because she gives you plenty of fucking gifts. You're a piece of shit. I fucking hate you. But yeah, do you think she's expecting it? Do you think she's going to cop that tomorrow? Waking up, nothing hate you. But yeah, do you think she's expecting it?

Do you think she's going to cop that tomorrow? Waking up, nothing from you. Do I think she's going to cop it? No, she'll be fine. She's on cloud nine. She's officially engaged to this. She doesn't even know what day it is. Oh yeah, she'll be up in the cloud soon enough

when she realises the huge mistake she's made. Off the bridge and then up in the cloud. Well, speaking of our favourite bridge, should we talk about this? Yeah, alright. This guy's begging for publicity, so let's do it. So we, you know, look, on the flip side of, to be honest, with the news of what I've done in the last couple of weeks. Wow.

Can't even get the sentence out. I've had a lot of, you know, I get a lot of weeks. Wow. Can't even get this sentence out. I've had a lot of, you know, I get a lot of abuse via text. I've got a lot of lovely text messages from all you guys, which is very appreciated.

I've got so much, I haven't bothered to reply to any of them. But thank you for the thought. From 1-800-ZAMLs. We hear you're in the market. Yeah. So,

I do talk about getting a lot of phone calls and whatever from people. A lot of people block their numbers and then ring me and I go, easy, I'm not going to answer these ones. When you ring with your number up, I'm like, all right, this could be something. So someone rang today and he's like, yeah, right, all right. So I'm very aware of the show.

I'm like, oh, here we go, fucking. Because it's usually just like, say hi to Tommy for me, bye. Oh, well, you're not passing any of those on, so. Sorry, I've got six of them, I'll tell you later. So this guy rings up just before and goes, yeah, so anyway, this is my situation, I'm in Geelong and I'm thinking about coming to the show, what do you think about that? And I'm like, cool, you can come. And he's like, yeah, but I'm about to get on the train. I'm like cool you can come and he's like yeah but I'm about to get on the train I'm like

yeah cool he's like yeah but I don't want to pay to get in I'm like you're fucking shit out of luck like what you're from Geelong and you just get a free pass so anyways he's just he keeps talking he keeps going no no but it'd be good if you I just I just ended a relationship you know I don't have a girlfriend anymore Fucking who cares Don't worry mate she'll be back You don't need a free ticket to his show Fuck he should have rung you You would have a lot more to relate to

Than me Sorry Mr. Only ever been in one relationship His whole life That's not true. I've been in plenty. How many? How many long-term ones? Yeah.

Three. Okay. Yeah. What about you? Two. Your mum and who? My dad. I got a side bitch.

The hairy checkbook and the hairier checkbook. Anyway, Tommy's parents are here tonight. Yes. Shout out to Mr and Mrs Allsop. Okay. So anyway, this guy just keeps pushing it. He's like, yeah, yeah, I just want to get in for nothing. I'm like, you're fucking not getting in for nothing.

If you're going to come down, you're going to pay to get in. He's like, oh, right. Well, just as a side note, remember your 300th episode? I snuck backstage and drank half your rider. What? And it's like, oh, well, you've convinced me then. You can come in for free. You fucking idiot.

So anyway. I guess it's better to let him in here because there's no backstage for him to sneak into. Yeah. Well, he then has then just kept texting me going, anyway, on the train now. Now, yeah, we just passed this. I'm on the train. He just keeps texting me every fucking couple of minutes. Because I was there with you when you got the phone call.

I didn't know the train detail, but I was telling you that you should tell him, yeah, drive from Geelong, but stop off at a certain landmark on the way. Oh, yeah. Just before you hit the CBD. Yeah. And just really maybe go for a swim.

It's a bit hot out there, mate. Maybe get a good vantage point. Tommy did say that, and to his credit, he then said, oh, what, jump off the bridge, just like Tommy's hair jumped off his head. And then I said, tell him he can have a free ticket so I can kick the shit out of him when he gets here. So anyway, he has still been texting me.

He is apparently still on his way. But for this gig, we've got the opposite of a door list. We've got an anti-door list. We've given our door person a note saying, do not under any circumstances let this cunt into our show. No, he can come in. He has to pay. Yeah.

Oh, okay. We don't need him at this point. We're in a position to knock back 20 bucks, are we? I reckon we are. Oh, okay. But for having to send this guy back to Geelong, I reckon that's pretty cool. He gets all the way down here. Then what's he going to do? Fuck yeah. All right. We're doing that. Oh, okay. But for having to send this guy back to Geelong, I reckon that's pretty cool, right? I think he's pretty funny.

He gets all the way down here. Then what's he going to do? Fuck yeah. All right, we're doing that. Yeah. Okay. Lock the doors. But we don't know. Have you had any updates in the last week?

Yeah, yeah. He'll be so depressed. He'll come to Melbourne. There's nothing else to do except for this show. Have you got any updates from him? Any on the road? Yeah, he just texted me before I got on stage and went, I just got off the train.

Don't worry, I'm in the seabed there. I'm not too far away. So I'm not worried anymore. From your mate Gavin from July. We need an update. He did say, please save some backstage snacks for me. That's if you can outpower Dil. How's this guy going?

He's one of the biggest scumbags going around. He's making calls about all of us. And how presumptuous of him to think that just because we've got a live show, that Dill's here. And that he'd be eating. I mean, fucking come on, Gavin. We haven't done that for two episodes

or so should we get us out here or should we should we tread water for a bit longer oh well no this is going off the back

of all the texts so thank you for all those texts also someone and this guy didn't want to be named for doing this but I thought

I'd bring it up just to encourage other people some people someone texted me and gave me the whole back transfer and said

happy engagement here's 50 bucks for flowers and chocolates oh wow which has gone on the bar so far other people. Someone texted me and gave me the whole back transfer and said, happy engagement. Here's 50 bucks for flowers and chocolates. Oh, wow. Which has gone on the bar so far. But thank you very much to that person who did that. You've got to keep a running tally. I'm fascinated to see how much money you get out of mentioning a proposal on a podcast.

I might go in if it's enough. Oh, yeah. Okay. No. Should we get a guest out here? Yeah, sure. Which one? Oh, we know we've got one that's got major time constraints, so maybe we'd better get

him out here first. Okay, sure. Yeah. Folks, please welcome back into the Dumb Dumb Club, you know him from Don't You Know Who I Am. And please welcome Josh Hill. Yeah. Hey, mates. How are we doing? Please welcome Josh Earl Yeah Hey mates How we doing?

We good? Has your life changed since being on the biggest bombshell episode of Dumb Dumb Club that there's ever been? Only two people asked me where his fiancé went on holiday On Twitter So I didn't answer You're welcome Carl Do you want to say it here now and I can edit it out? No don't

Don't No Fuck you But I can edit it out? No, don't. Don't. No. Fuck you. But I love... Who cares? I said last week, tweet me. Only two of you did. You don't want to know that bad. So I'm going to stick with my fiancé friend. Oh, fucking someone wants to bump his Twitter numbers up. Hey, follow me back

real quick. I need to DM you. Hey, so last time I did a Christmas show, I wrote a Christmas carol. Yes. I've written another one. Which is also, I think, how Sean McAuliffe addressed me. Carol. I'll just cross that joke off here.

No, no, it's fine. So I'm going to do it now. It's like Godzilla fucking stepping on jokes left, right and centre. So if you want to turn to page 18 in your carol book, fans, it's Carl Book. God rest ye merry gentlemen. Here we go. God bless the little dum-dum club

released upon Wednesday with Mr Tommy Dasolo greeting us with hey mates and then there's Carl, Carl, Carl Krill, I don't know, who often goes away to Thailand for coming in boys. Coming in boys. Oh, to Thailand for coming in boys.

In Melbourne, in Australia, the two men do converse and often they will travel where Tom reads prose so perverse he gets them penned on fiver which he pays with mummy's purse. While Carl's in Thailand still coming in boys, coming in boys. Oh in Thailand he's

coming in boys. I like this format because no matter how hard I get it in the verse the chorus is going to make up for it. I think you're getting it harder right? And they have a real fat friend. His chorus is going to make up for it. I think you're getting it harder, right? And they have a real fat friend. His name is Duruk J. Although I could be

talking about Noxy or O'Neil Dave or Lomas or Adam Richard who'll all be in early graves. And Carl's in Thailand still coming in, boys. Coming in, boys. Oh, Thailand, he's coming in, boys. Yeah, they might be fat, but you fuck boys, you loser. And pods with June Northern and Lawrence Mooney came.

And after the first drunk cast, this pod was not the same. It just became Beirut, but one thing will never change. Carl will still be in Thailand. Oh, coming in, boys. Coming in, boys. Oh, Thailand, he's coming in, boys. Thank you. It's beautiful.

Worth pointing out, it's Christmas Eve and you've left your children at home without a father to come and read out that smut to a group of strangers. Someone's probably at your place coming in, boys. Nah, not cool. And in six months when your fiancée has her kid, you'll understand why. Fuck, is that really how it works? Yeah. How are you going to be when you're not an only child anymore, Tommy?

When you have a little brother or sister? So what is the family? Because we hit up a lot of people. We sort of like Quite audaciously thought Yeah Christmas Eve This will be easy There'll be plenty of guests

Around with nothing to do Oh man We thought It was going to be harder To get you guys in And get guests Today About two hours ago

We were like Well we've got two guests Yeah And then we're like Oh fuck 24 Pretty busy day on the calendar Yeah

As it turns out So we sent a big group message out Like a lot of people Like hey you know We're doing this theme It's great to have like A bunch of calendar as it turns out. So we sent a big group message out. A lot of people were like, hey, we're doing this thing. It's great to have a bunch of people come down and fuck around and do stuff. Immediately everyone with a wife and or kid is out. People with kids, they're out. People couldn't even believe that we would dare to ask them. But this fucking guy, what have you spun to get yourself down here?

Well, I did all the Christmas shopping for my wife and for the kids. And so I was like, all right, if you wrap it, I'll board it all. So, wait, you've got a little mini sweatshop set up at home. So not only are you not there with them, they're doing your work for you so you can get out of the house. And now my mum's in town, so I thought I've just got to get out of the house. Pretty much my mum's in town. She leaves tomorrow at lunchtime and she tag scenes my dad.

Whoa. Is she coming in, boys? It's a Christmas miracle. Anyway, so I... Because my parents split up on Christmas Day like three years ago and so they will never be in the same... That is a good way of doing it. And that person,

have you also split up with my mum on Christmas Day? Did you pause the episode that made his mum split up? No, that person tag-teamed your dad. He'd be happy. Anyway, so... Yeah, so dad's coming in the afternoon so I'm like, I've just got to have one day One night off before I have that battle of fucking

Are your parents dating again? Yeah, mum is Oh really? And dad just broke up with a woman Because she drinks too much How old's your dad? Sixty How's he meeting girls?

Or ladies? I don't really ask They just Burnie's a small town So people know that he's single Probably the fucking Facebook page for that show you used to host. It's just him going up to people going, I've seen you down the shops.

But is that weird, having that chat with your dad, like your dad telling you about his dating? Yeah, it was weirder when he told me how he found out that mum had been having an affair. That was weirder. Oh, look. Sure, heaps of things are weirder. Putting a snake up your arse. Yeah, that's weirder than both of them cool that song you sang about me that was weird you're a weird guy i am a

weird guy uh yeah it's it's a bit weird yeah it is weird but so how did he find out how did he find out he went he he had suspicions and then he went through her phone and she didn't delete her outbox and she'd been having an affair with his best mate for 28 years. Oh. And so she's not with him now. No, he wouldn't leave his wife. And his wife knows. And Burnie's a small town and she just went, no, we'll get over it.

Good to clear Tasmania's bad reputation anyway. Fucking hell. Yeah. 28 years. 28 years on and off. So not... Imagine seeing someone for that long

and not making commitments. Let's just get all these jokes out because they're fucking done. They're fucking done, guys. 28 years and she would have gotten away with it

if it wasn't for that pesky outbox. There must be a lot of people who were successfully having affairs for a long time and then technology came along and it updated itself and they just didn't catch up and that was what undid it, as happened to your mum. Yeah, she needed Ronnie to come in and show her how to use the computer and the outbox.

Fuck, speaking of that, coming up later, so we did say there are going to be gifts for everyone, or some people. We didn't, and let's not say it now, because there's not. No, we do have some presents. Well, what we've really got is a bunch of shit that Ronnie didn't want anymore. Autism medication.

The friendship with you guys career in this country any reference to ever having lived in Australia his clothes after he's taken a shit while wearing them yeah all of his

triple XL shirts that he used to wear when he was a fat fuck so we do have a bunch of that stuff we also do have something from Milan our our friend Milan. I'm sorry, it's not shots.

It's DVDs. Oh, fuck. Sorry. You've got to lead with we've got DVDs and then say they're from Milan. That was completely the wrong way around. Yeah, sure. I thought it would get a laugh, but it just got, oh, fuck. We do have shots

here though don't we no they weren't free someone just came through and started to sell shots off the fact that we brought all these people here

we didn't get any for free oh I thought that was someone said they'd like bought a tray of jelly shots for us

no no no that wasn't a really hot Milan that was that was someone else aka Milan it was they brought

and you always get confused you bought and brought, so it was that they brought them along. Okay. Yeah, that wasn't, your mum didn't hire that girl to come in. And maybe she did, who knows? Check her out box. That's, that sounded dirty, but it was fine. I hope there's not a comma in there.

All right, all right, let's get another a comma in there. All right, all right. Let's get another guest on, do you think? All right, yeah. Hey, what do you reckon? Oh, is it my turn? Yeah, it's your turn. Who's my favourite guest? No, fuck, I don't even know who's here.

What? Never heard of him. All right. Welcome to the stage. You may know him from Here we go Taking up half this room It's Derek Jelicica

I think he just Did you just fall over on the way up here? No, Cody was holding me back Because he's jealous He's got He's got sample teeth No, Cody was holding me back because he's jealous. He's got sample teeth. No, Cody's not holding you back. That's us.

No, that's gravity. No, that's your talent. Doesn't work when it's about careers. Stick to obesity and being brown. We know this. You know this. No, you do the brown jokes. We don't go near that.

Bullshit. My first episode was riddled with racism. Like what? I don't know about me, basically. I think it was Cody might have said something about... Oh, now we're dragging someone else into it. And I brought up a gollywog once. You did bring up a gollywog. Your son thinks you're a gollywog at home,

which sounds worse than it. Oh, it actually is bad. He thinks he was playing with it and calling it Dilruch. Yeah, but I was trying to teach him a lesson and saying that's racist. And then he was like, these guys, I don't care. And your second son black-faced up. What have you got in for Christmas this year, a mini Nazeem? Which is a mini Dilruch.

Or like a babushka doll. But Merry Christmas, boys. You're more like a boobushka doll, but anyway. Boo, you got boobs. Yeah, okay. Alright, everyone out. Christmas is cancelled. Fuck off.

Look, look, look. We can't have that vibe. This is Christmas. We have to yes and everything and laugh at everything. I feel we should be in a happy mood. Like, it's Christmas. Why is... You shouldn't attack each other. Stop laugh at everything. I feel we should be in a happy mood. It's Christmas. You shouldn't attack each other. Stop looking at your phone, you fuckhead.

But I'm getting updates from my mate Gavin from Geelong. So the latest message was I've got two in the last ten minutes. Ten minutes ago I got one saying, Carl, just landed at Southern Cross. Don't worry, I walked... Just landed? That old SkyTrain. He's been drinking a lot on the train. Don't worry, I walk... Just landed. I think he's been drinking... That old SkyTrain.

He's been drinking a lot on the train. Yeah. Don't worry, I walk fast and then two minutes ago I get a text saying, Carl,

I stopped at bar 20 because someone said it was a buffet. When I asked for all you can eat, they asked me to leave. The joke is there, it's a strip club.

So... Yeah. This guy sounds cool. Yeah. At the rate it's taking him to get here, I'm fine with letting him in for free if he gets here with five minutes to go. Oh, yeah, fair enough.

No, aren't you going to ban him? I like that idea. Fuck him. Yeah. We'll see. Have you acknowledged Carl's shirt? Yeah, I was just about to point that out. For the listener at home,

Carl is wearing a Justin Bieber T-shirt. Yeah. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? What do you think? He could not look more like Rad Dad if he tried. I like it. Yeah, I'm sure, isn't it? What do you think? He could not look more like Rad Dad if you try. I like it. Yeah, I'm sure you do, Dad. Yeah, you do look like a guy waiting for his daughter to come out of the Bieber concert.

I got some time to kill. I'll buy this. She'll love it. So the dad's waiting in the car and he's like, if I go in and buy some merch, that'll kill a bit of time. Yeah, I'll be down with it. Baby, baby. Well, this is coming from a guy with his own name on his hat.

Is that good or bad? What's worse out of those two? I think it's cool. Thanks. I like the hat. Shirt. Oh, it's not the shirt. It's the person wearing the shirt.

That's the issue. Probably could get rid of it. You're right. We should be nicer in this episode. Now, what are you doing for Christmas, Dil? What are you doing? I go back to Sri Lanka tomorrow. I fly on Christmas Day land.

About fucking time, I say. Was it your choice? Yeah. I thought that's what everyone does on Christmas Day, go back to Christmas Island. Does anyone want to give me a lift to the airport tomorrow, by the way? I'm being serious. Does anyone own to give me a lift to the airport tomorrow, by the way? I'm being serious. Does anyone own a bus?

Maybe I'll take the plane that that guy flew in from Southern Cross to. Who would seriously do that? Who would be up for giving Dil a lift to the airport tomorrow? On Christmas Day. You'd think one of my cousins would help out. What time's your flight? 3pm. Hang on, someone's saying yes.

People are actually discussing whether they're up for doing it Yeah? Alright, maybe, we'll chat Maybe! I want to make sure they're not going to fuck it It's that or walking and we know how much you hate that No one walks to the airport What is this?

The rapid proof fence What is this? I'll clear it up, they are fuckers because they just volunteered to take you to the airport I know exactly but it's a longish drive

I am going to screen you but thank you for your office you're going to do to them what happens to you at the airport

yeah maybe record a part on the way there do you have two spare seats in the back or not yeah there you go

maybe we'll do a bonus your next month's bonus episode. Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, please do that. Dropping me with a fan. Yes. On the way to, okay.

Getting a lift to the airport. All right, we'll figure that out. But I do. Hang on, these guys are still having discussions. Is it actually, are you actually keen or not? Because he's gone in way too hard. Sorry? Yeah, but he does it.

He has to drive all the way into the city and then drive back out. Yeah, I live in... On Christmas Day, you're working. Are you an Uber driver? Is that what you mean? Are you working in the city tomorrow? No. So that's not a good idea then.

You are a nice person. Why do you listen to this podcast if you're a nice person? It sounds like this has to be he sleeps at your house tonight and then that's just going to be easy to get up in the morning. Is that why you're off? Have you got a spare room? Okay. Do you live at Tullamarine? Evandale Heights.

Is that made up? Are you now trying to throw him off the scent? Is that what's happening? It's near High Point. Okay, all right. Well, this podcast just hit a low point. Where I'm literally scapping lips for the airport right now. But it is Christmas, and I have a little Christmas present for you two boys.

I got some inside information about a very special guest in your crowd this evening. All the way from Sydney, I believe he's there. A young man by the name of Squirter McQuirter. Very good. Famous? There he is. Patreon's very own Paul the Squirter McQuirter. You probably have the highest celebrity status in terms of Patreon names. There he is! Patreon's very own Paul the Squirter McWhirter.

You probably have the highest celebrity status in terms of Patreon names. I mean, after Jack My Tiny Dick. I thought that was him walking up onto the stage. I was like, wow, this is crazy. He's going to give us a demo. He's also got the most worried guy in front of him at the moment as well. I didn't see who it was. Oh, the squirter.

Oh, there he is. Right up the back. Yeah, look at that hand go. Yeah. Could you get us from here, you reckon? Is that your girlfriend next to you? No. You know what's great? No one here knows what we're talking about at the moment because we talk about this in

the Patreon ads, which everyone fucking fast forwards. Also, Gav's here. Oh, is this correct? Which one is he? Is my mate Gavin from Geelong here? Is it? It is. Yeah.

20 bucks, thanks. We have a Gav. Do you want to just call him? What? Why would I call him if he's just there? Is the money changing hands? Yeah, he's paying. Oh, he's paying!

See, it's 40 paying. We got a sweet lobster off this guy. Oh, fuck, he looks wrecked. He's gone straight to the bar. Oh, he's getting kicked out immediately, I think. He's given an aggressive hug to someone. He's grabbed a woman at the bar. Oh, it's not Gavin. Oh, it's not Gavin. Oh, it's not Gavin. That was like rock and roll fantasy camp. But still, give it up for this guy.

Hang on. Turning up a half hour late. Hang on, I just got a text. It says, Carl, I'm at the door. I thought this was a good venue to attend. So he's actually downstairs, I believe. What? Wait, is he there?

Oh, he's not there. He must be downstairs. He's on the way up. Oh, well, that's going to take a while. No, it actually takes the rest of us pretty quickly to get upstairs. I'll pay that. Very good. You'll pay that, just like he's going to do

at the fucking door when he turns up. I hope so. Alright, let's get another guest on. Alright. Who are we getting? Let's get... Yay! Folks, you know we're from Rosehaven.

Please welcome Celia McQueen! Yay! Hi. Okay, okay, okay. I think the last time you did one of these live ones, you were horrified at how mean it was. How's it been so far? Fine.

But I'm not even fucking around. Did you seriously get engaged? I'm not even fucking kidding. Prove it. Prove it. Is this a Christmas prank? Did you get fucking engaged? Did you? Kill me.

Kill me. We're going to pretend it for a month for the sake of content, see how that goes, and if he likes how it feels, then he's going to dive in. No, but is it a joke or is it for real? It's for real. Are you worried about... Were you saving yourself for me?

Were you hoping? Were you saving yourself for my girlfriend? I mean, you know she's better than you. We all know that. Well, congratulations. I'm really happy for you. Great. What?

Hey, don't worry. Someone as good as me will come along one day. No! So you thought that's the depth that this podcast has sunk to. You're up the back

thinking we're now just doing comedy bits about him being engaged when he's not engaged. Yeah. Yeah. That does sound

like a good idea. We should have done that a year ago. The first 150 episodes about pranks on you about not being engaged. So it makes sense that you'd be doing pranks about being engaged. Imagine though if you did and she actually listened to the podcast

and found out for a year you'd been joking about her being engaged. Oh man, she listened to last week's one just to make sure she knew that I was telling people we were engaged. Well, that's very nice. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm going to be fine. There's a guy who sounds pretty great. He's called Gavin.

I can't wait. I cannot wait to meet him, who's definitely real. He's totally not anywhere near here, by the way. No, you wouldn't know him. He goes to another school. But he'll be... He's downstairs? He's real hot and he'll be here.

He fucks like crazy. He's downstairs, Celia. He doesn't sound like he's in a great mood. Well, I hope everyone remembers me how I lived. We've got a wireless mic. Should we go down and do some street talk with Gavin? We'll reach downstairs. No, I mean, he's ringing me now.

Put him on. Get him on speaker. All right, hang on. Hello, Carl speaking. G'day, Carl. It's Gavin from Geelong. I'm just at the door. Apparently they don't know anything about me. You're at the door.

They don't know anything about you? No. Good. Merry Christmas, everybody. I've got to say, Gavin, pretty good talent, as we say in the biz. Oh, he's ringing back. He's ringing back. Merry Christmas, everybody. I've got to say, Gav, pretty good talent, as we say in the biz. Oh, he's ringing back. He's ringing back. He's getting greedy.

Is he actually at the door? Is he there? I reckon he's at the door downstairs. He's just gone downstairs. No, no, he would be at the front door on the outside from the street talking to a security guard going, I'm Gavin from Geelong, and he'd be like, good for you, mate, I'm security from fuck off.

If Gavin buys us that tray of jelly shots he can come in. Has he paid for a ticket? Is that him? It's Gavin! I thought he didn't have pants on but he's just wearing tan shorts, it's okay. Get the fuck off our stage. I thought you went through a tunnel and you cut out and you hung up on me. I thought you ran out of credits.

Why did you give him the microphone, Tommy? What are you doing? It's still firmly in my hand. Don't worry about that. Fuck, remember when John Lennon got killed? No, because I'm not 100. Like John Wilkes Booth is right behind you. So, good to see you guys.

Fuck, I'm so scared. Where's your 20? Don't touch me. Why the fuck is this still happening? Where's the 20 bucks? Someone fucking tackle. Are you going to buy a cheeseburger with it? Isn't there security

in this joint? There's been a security guard hanging around all night. I was going to say, someone kick off the people that haven't been on TV, but they'd kick us off. Hang on, the situation's changed. He's going to put us on Snapchat. This is like a... This is the... Here's security. Security's up here.

Is it like the Nightmare Before Christmas? SOS this guy. I don't like that Gavin looks like a healthier version of me. I can't believe I'm inspiring to be this dumb cunt. Aspiring, you fucking idiot. Exactly. You're like Dil, perspiring. I know that's happening in Perth.

We can't give Dil shit about sweating too much. We were both doing a lot of it just then for those last two minutes. Merry Christmas, everyone. Gavin's just convinced me I need to go home with my kids. Nick Cody, everyone! Nick Cody! What of it? Oh, what of it?

Hi, mate. Do you want to come? I can't believe... Merry Christmas, mate. Merry Christmas. Josh, can you work as security now? I can't believe I drunkenly said inspiring and my parents are up the back going,

yeah, good work on the private school. Fucking piece of shit. Have you turned our podcast into the bootleg Cody family Christmas party? Yeah, they've all turned up. Mum and dad? Your sister? Sister? Aunty? Aunty and cousin? Really?

Are they the same person? Aunty and cousin? Oh, really? Really? Are they the same person? Aunty and cousin? Seems like a cordy thing. It's very hurtful. You're inbred. Well, he fired the first shot. I've never said anything bad about my friend. Tell them what you said to me while we were backstage.

What? He puts his arm around me and goes, No, Dil, Christmas is a holiday that white people celebrate. What do they call Santa Claus where you're from? Dad. You're more of a fan of celebrating Christmas. Mass.

That was alright. I'm trying to be nice. Are you really? You can't. Good job. Cody, now you, we talked the last time you were on one of the proper studio episodes at Bat Studio about you're engaged, your wedding is coming up, it's not too far away. What advice would you give to this man who is very early on in the planning process? And especially with you because you've had to, you know, we all know heaps of people

are in comedy. So you've had to at some stage go we all know heaps of people in comedy. So you've had to at some stage go, right, here's all the comics I'm inviting, here's the ones I'm not inviting. How do you choose? How do you choose? Well, I think everyone here got an invite on the stage. Yes. What about Gav? They all got a plus one.

But that's not... And also a guest. Cut that tongue! Christmas, how white people do it. Sucked it. Is that how we do it? Is this what we dream of when we say, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas? No, that's you saying,

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Enough with your puns, mate. Santa Claus comes down the chimney, calls everyone dumb cunts and then leaves. Isn't that... That's how I was raised. Is that a Werribee Christmas? Yes. So, yeah, there's going to be some unhappy comics that miss out on the Cody wedding.

Well, what's... Yeah, what... Do you know... Have you got any ideas of what kind of size thing you're having? Um... Not what kind of size thing you're having? Not what kind of size thing she's having. That's what I was asking. How big's your dick?

Yeah, all right. I'll field this one. We haven't thought about it yet. The worst bit about planning is all the, like every stereotype I heard is true, where guys will say, man, you will just give up options for things you don't care about. And it's true. When it comes to like

choosing chairs, I don't give a fuck about chairs. You would if it was just a spike. I'd take it. I'd take it. Can I take it not to hear about chairs? But it makes things interesting. Do you want to put this metal thing in your arsehole?

Are you going to ask me about curtains again? Well, if not, I'll put that spike right in my arsehole. On behalf of people like Lomas and me, please consider the chairs a bit more. And on behalf of the chairs, please consider not inviting people like Lomas and me. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff to plan and I've done

very little of it but yeah Marjorie was saying it's five weeks away that's very very soon I was thinking about maybe putting it on

on the same date over the road as yours and just see and just just make people pick a side yeah

what do you think well you'll be upset when Diane's at mine I've got a bit I've got a bit What do you think? Well, you'll be upset when Diane's at mine. Because she knows that one's not a prank. I've got a bit of a feeling that your mum would be at mine. She would. Mum would do it.

Maja, she's up the back. She actually gave us some presents. Maja, Cody has given us some presents. Yeah, where did I put these? They're just over there. If you can crack them open, Tommy. So we did open them already. Maybe we shouldn't have, but you do yours first and I'll do mine. We've both got a little, what are they, like mock-up Lady Bird book.

So I got the Lady Bird book of dating. Not necessary because she will be back. So you're in the Lady Bird Book of Waiting. And I, very inappropriate. You get the Lady Bird Book of Over-Waiting. Good, punching. The Dirty Bird Book of... What?

It's like KFC. Nice. Oh, okay. So, anyway. Mine must have been meant for someone else. I got the Lady Bird book of the midlife crisis. But then... The man wearing the Justin Bieber T-shirt?

No. But then you, like, so your mum turned up, Cody, and gave these to me and Carl, and then you and your fiancé turned up, and she gave you your gifts, and she got you both books from the same series. So me and Carl, in your mum's gift-giving hierarchy, are on the same level as you and her future daughter-in-law.

The fuck's going on with your mum? She's a fucking loose unit. You don't want to say she showed me her outbox. She'd want to be a loose unit after pushing that big old head out of there. Yeah, she'd be like,, I'm going to tell this. I've never told this story. Don't you groan. So I'm 29.

I think in about 10 or 12 birthday cards I've received, my mum has written in the birthday card, your head split me from hole to hole. split me from hole to hole. There is no doubt you're... And so this is Christmas. Should I do... Because we do have some presents to give out. So we were talking about

maybe I should go into the crowd. I've got a handheld mic here. I think the crowd's coming to us. Is the crowd coming to you? Oh, yeah. Fucking hell. Oh, Gavin? Is it Gavin?

Is he dead yet? I hope he is. Yeah, is he under arrest yet? Normally guys call Gavin like trade stocks on Wall Street, not be fucking dumb loose cunts drinking. Great. Okay, here we go. This is it.

This better be fucking worth it now. Here we go. This guy's going to... So Carl Chandler, he's getting into the crowd. He's going to take it to the streets. This is it. This better be fucking worth it now. Here we go. This guy's going to... So Carl Chandler, he's getting into the crowd. He's going to take it to the streets. Sammy Newman style. So you have presents for the audience? Yeah.

But just random? Particular audience members? Well, I think Carl's going to go in there and start talking to people. And if anyone tickles his fancy, they're going to get a gift. That sounds inappropriate. What? No good? To be fair...

Which is a euphemism. All right, Tommy, I'm out in here. Oh, wow. Oh my God, Ellen's let herself go. But I still love girls. Who wants to answer a question for a DVD? No one very close to me. I will.

This guy will. No, I said DVD, not buffet. Alright, alright. He's giving up. This is for a Jim Jefferies DVD. Some proper good presents here. I'll give you a question. What do you prefer? Comedy?

Or riffing? Comedy or riffing? Comedy. Pronounce it properly. Comedy. That was good. That was spot on. There's someone directly behind that when I ask comedy or riffing, she goes, what?

If you don't know that reference, what have you thought of the rest of the show? I love a dum-dum random who's been brought in. Who else has not listened to the show before? No, she's in the... The guy in the middle right next to the riffer. She's in the Gavin fan club. She's going to tweet it out, I'm turning up, guys.

Can we ask this quickly? Who is like, who is originally from interstate, who's like a genuine Christmas orphan this evening and that's why they're here? Tommy put his hand up and his parents are here. It's real sad.

I was demonstrating what putting a hand up looks like for these dumb fucks because I thought they probably wouldn't know. Yeah, they don't have parents to teach them. And this is the one I'm really curious about. Who's from here? Who had Christmas events this evening with their family that they should have gone to, but they fucked them off to come down here instead?

Yay! Oh, nice. The true believers. All right, all right. Who's another one? Who wants another chance at winning a fucking DVD? That's right.

A form of entertainment that most of you can't play on anything you own. Who? Who? This guy? Are you good talent? What?

Alright, alright. Here we go. That's like a shitty version of Channel Lions. Australia's got talent. Are you good talent? Are you talent? Are you talent? Are you talent?

Are you talent? This is for a Harley Breen DVD. Oh, wow. So we have stepped down a few levels. Who? I'm surprised there's only one. Yeah. Who is your...

Oh, yeah, because there's quite a few in the remainder bit. It's holding up some of the... Do you have a man with a van with you to take the rest? It was this or the pulping machine. Get down to it. Who is your favourite guest on Little Dumb Dumb Club and why? Hannibal Buress because he's not a bunch of white cunts like the rest of you. Jill!

I got it. Jill. Yeah, you know me. Cool. I'm a Jai singer. I got it right. Yeah, you know me. Cool. Do you know how much paint that took to do? Do you know how much commitment to this character? I'm not even fat. Great, hey, great answer.

Great answer for your audience. Here's a Harley Breen demon. Taken straight from the urban comedy section. The Kingswood and I. The Bernie Mac of Australia. Who knew Malcolm X was in the crowd? We've got Malcolm XXL on stage You know what? Fuck you mate

Brown lives matter, okay? I think you mean Martin Luther Burger King Now we're cooking Hence why I'm smiling Alright, alright, alright New York cooking. Hence why I'm smiling. Alright, alright, alright. We've got two more. We've got two more.

This is for... This is actually a good one. Actually a good one as opposed to Harley's. No, no, no. Because I was going to say it's a Danny McGinley DVD which I thought most people would go, fuck. But it does have our live DVD commentary where we just smash him for an hour,

which is fucking magical. Can I make a request? At some stage while you're out there, can we get the squirter on mic? Oh. Squirter, do you want to go for this question? You want to go for it? Man, he's from Sydney. Give him something in return.

This podcast can't be good enough. All right, all right. You'll have a DVD. Well, you've got to give me an answer first. Here we go. All right, Squirter. He's rubbing his hands together like a fool. Who knew he was weird?

Yeah, he's wiping the juice off. Anyway. Yes, that's what I meant. You're in a Bieber t-shirt, you fucking creep. Stop saying sentences like that. The girl that was sitting next to him that I thought was his girlfriend has clearly left the building at this stage. So, alright, this is for...

Did she leave or did she just... This is... Alright. Oh, so who... So we had Hannibal up there. Who's your favourite guest? Who, squirter, is your least favourite guest? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, here we go. I'm not going to say... I'm not going to say Paul Foot. Favourite. Oh, he's your favourite. Okay. Well, that's a way of not answering the question. I'm not going to say Paul Foot Favourite He's your favourite, okay Well that's a way of not answering the question

This DVD's not looking good buddy Who, I'll repeat the question Who is your least favourite guest? I'll give you a hint, he's on the cover of the fucking DVD You know what If you said Hannibal Buress Because he's not like those other white guys. All right, Cody, you get the DVD.

Josh Earl because of his shit hat. Jesus. Well, look, I'm sick of talking to him, so he gets the DVD DVD What did we expect? We kept egging him on so he'd find them in the pocket I'll take someone down Alright, one more

Who wants to do the last one? I've got a Jermon box set Who? There's been a lot of box talk today Which one? Who wants it? You, yes, you miss This will be interesting

because I reckon you've never listened to the podcast before. You're trying to figure out my top. Justin Bieber, 984. I guess so, I don't know. 94, it says 94. It's on your own T-shirt, you blind old man. I don't make a business of looking down at my shirt.

Unless it's 69 Kyle Can't See Numbers. Look, I'm trying to talk to a very drunk lady. Congratulations. Thank you. Do you listen to the podcast or not? No, she made me. So you don't listen at all?

She made me. I'm going somewhere else. This is the saddest gift giveaway. Who has listened to this podcast? It's not Saw. Quick, who wants a DVD? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right here. Who? Who? Yes, you? No, this guy's actually raising his hand. Who? Where?

This guy right here. Right, okay. This is the guy that's potentially going to give Dilruba Lift to me as well. Potentially getting a gobby from me as well. Oh, I thought that was assumed. Oh, okay, fine. I guess they're both new releases. All right, so...

I missed the start, but I assume it was something gross. Comedy. It was comedy and riffing. By the way, Dil, how long have you not been drinking? Four months. Four months. Four months. Yeah. The amount of money you've saved in that time,

just pay for a cab you tight cunt. But I've been spending it on ice cream, so it doesn't quite work. No one's ever looked at the back of Dylan, accused him of being a tight ass before. That was better than you gave. That was actually not bad. Come to the guy who comes in boys.

It sort of doesn't make sense because you're not looking at him the wide load and going, look at that loose arsehole in front of me. You don't say that? Alright, let me show you. Remember that time in the show where Josh accused Carl of coming in boys and everybody cheered?

And were reminded of Christmas spirit. Those were our salad days. Alright, alright so this guy, this guy with What's your name sir? Duncan. Duncan, alright Duncan. That's how you do it Carl. That's how literally he cares about his audience.

That's why he keeps getting us back because he knows our names. Well I know Nick. If you want to get this going, Mike, you're going to have to get it a bit closer, by the way. Oh, is that how physics works? Physics. Physics.

Physics. Yeah. Question. Maryborough. Question. Who is your favourite host? Hannibal Buress. Who is your favourite host?

Tommy Chandler. All right, someone else. What a needy piece of shit. Basically, who's going to say my name gets a DVD? Where? Down the front. This guy. Who's your favourite host?

Dilruk Jaisinghi because he's not like those other white cunts. Yeah. Apparently I am. You're worse in many ways. All right. Our very own Sam Newman, everyone. He's back. Well done.

Oh, no. The Foz. Well, that's a segment that we should bring back. It's always good to end on Sam Newman, everyone. He's back. Well done. Oh, no. The fuzz. Well, that's a segment that we should bring back. It's always good to end on a high, isn't it? Leave them wanting more. Did that go well? You thought it would? Yeah, pretty much.

Well, the mic didn't work at the start. That was on brand. Yeah. What about Ronnie's presence? What have you got there? We'll give that out later. Okay. What's in the content, though?

Oh, yeah. Should we go through it? No. Okay. Nothing good. Okay, what's in the content though? Oh yeah, should we go through it? No. Okay, nothing good? Yeah, let's just leave that. Let's not spell it out because no one will want it then. Okay, cool, great. Well, Dil, you had something you were going to do for us this evening. I did. You've prepared a little Christmas dish.

I do have a little Christmas song. Hannah, are we good to go? Don't play it yet. And make sure you, if you know the background. Oh, the backup singers. I think me and Tommy are going to do the. Oh. Because there's a song that's got the.

Everyone's joining if you know the backup part of it. Okay. So it's a. Are you playing it through the thing? Do you want me to play it through my. No, no, no, no. I'm just trying to get the lyrics. Oh.

The song. Get off Uber Eats and get the fucking lyrics on your phone. Very good. Alright, you're going to have to fuck. If you don't know this about me, I'm not a very good singer, so shut the fuck up and just go with it, alright? Alright, Hannah, I'm good to go. Oh.

The best Christmas song of all time, in my humble opinion. Shut up. I don't want a lot for Christmas. Except food. Sorry. It's just one thing I need. I don't care for trips to Thailand. Or even an engagement ring.

I want it more than Dassolo. Wants more hair On his dome Got him But it's true All I want For Christmas Is moose. I thought it was going to be food.

I don't want a lot for Christmas. There's one thing a fat fuck needs. And I don't care about everything. I'm concealing comedy. I don't care about a rude thing, but I'm consuming comedy. I don't want Milan's DVDs or rounds of Jäger shots to drink. And I don't care about those presents from that indescript drum chain. I want it all on my own More than you could ever know It may look like poo

But all I want from Gala is moves I won't ask for much this Christmas Last year was so sad and low And I won't be for much this Christmas Last year was so sad and low And I won't be as depressed and lonely After eating all the mistletoe I won't have to slit my wrists With a goddamn number plate Cause if I get the treat from Gelma

I won't drive to the Westgate I won't check in as June Northern And have my neck all tightly wrapped in a vacuum cleaning hose All I want for Christmas is

booze Thank you! Yeah! Yeah baby! Give it up for Sri Lanka Claus coming down the chimney eating your milk and cookies and everything fucking else. That was a good cover by the way.

Thank you. Well, now I feel ready to actually kill myself. That was just wonderful. That pushed me over the edge. I guess we should wrap it up, right? 13, 11, 14, by the way, if anyone's feeling lonely at this Christmas time. I'm serious. Oh, don't worry.

They all are. That's why they're here. It's actually good. Are we all done? We all feel a bit tuckered out. If you need a Milan story, I've got a nice Milan. Yeah, sure. Because you've just been on tour in Europe. I went to Serbia to do a gig in Milan.

The home of a centric billionaire Milan. Which in Serbia is $15.8. But no, Milan... If you think Milan's loose here, when he gets home, he really fucking lets loose. He finally... He goes, thank God, I can let my hair down, my small amount of hair down, and have a good time. loose here when he gets home he really fucking lets loose he finally he goes thank god i can let my hair down my small amount of hair down have you ever seen what's the worst maligning

you've ever received sounds dodgy without context but it's just shot like i've seen him across a room and left a place because i know that it's like three days gone yeah i've run and he's chased me yeah it's no good. It's a fucking whirlpool and once you notice that you're in, it's too late. But it's like love and it's so much love and good intention. He just wants you to have it and good things. I'm genuinely surprised. Last time we did this gig here, he wasn't here and he tried to ring the bar and get them to buy shots for us.

Put his credit card through. What were you going to say? Is that the ghost? Is that the ghost of Christmas regrets? No, he's like the ghost from Super Mario. Like, if you're facing him, he's like... Nothing's going on. As soon as you turn your back, he's like,

I've got some fucking shots, cunt. And then you turn around, he's like, no, I'm just a little malar. I'm not doing nothing. Yeah, have a water. Have a water. Watch out, run and cook. I've really broken his brain by being sober for four months

and still hanging out with him. I feel like I've... Yeah, he's like in Westworld. He can't understand what he's looking at. What is sober? It's been programmed. There's nothing there. He doesn't see soda water. Why is your cup empty?

There's water in it, Milan. It's a great reference for anyone who watches Westworld, but you're missing out. Yeah, the Venn diagram of people who watch Westworld and know Milan, they're fucking going off right now. I'm with Milan in Serbia. He takes me out drinking. We go to a nightclub and it's just Milan and I

and it fucking gets messy early because it's Milan. It's just buying shots for everyone. It's crazy. Then a guy comes up to us. Now, the thing is with Serbia, everywhere else, if you're walking down the road, you say, hey, how's it going to a stranger? Normally people just go, hey.

But in Serbia, it's too many wars. People are just fucking stone-faced. They will give you nothing. This guy walks up to us at the bar smiling and he's got tattoos down to his knuckles, like just below his nails, which is never a good sign. It's never like, hey, do you like my tattoos?

I'm also a doctor. Which way to his knuckles? Because that's not very much. Oh, I see. It's just his fingertips. You're a fucking weird cunt. We've got to get out of here. That's not a tattoo, that's nail polish. I've got to be honest, I honestly thought that's

what you meant. But I was so wrapped up in the story, I'm like, yeah, that's hardcore. My fiance's got the same red tattoos on her fingers today. What gang is she in? He starts talking about drinking with this guy and then he brings up that he's in the Pink Panthers. Now, the Pink Panthers are a gang.

They're a part of the gang that robbed Kim Kardashian of all her jewels in France. They're like a huge fucking crazy gang. So they're so hot right now. They are having a moment. Which one's your favourite Pink Panther? Keeping up with the Pink Panthers. Only gang with a soundtrack. Very good.

Don't give me your fucking wallet. pink pants I'm the gang with a soundtrackbies. If you've got tats from there to your fucking mouth, I don't care if you're called the Softcocks. I'm going to go, what's his name? I'm always scared of the Softcocks. Pink Perth is a place I think I hung out with Adam Richard once. I had your side note. No, that was the pink sock. Sorry, just side story. A few people Google image searched that.

Safe search off. And have a good Christmas. It's a very different type of sock. No presents in it. Yeah, don't hang up your pink sock at the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Yeah. I went to a gay trivia night with Adam Richard last week at a place called Lad.

And trivia with the gay guys is so much different than normal trivia. Well, there's a bunch of dudes just walking around in Borat mankinis and during, like, you know how you have soundbites? Like, which movie was this from? In between those cuts, there's just videos of gay porn. One particular one was where gay porn in reverse.

So you saw the spoof jump off his face back into the dick, right? And there was a great moment where this guy, two men are just hammering, like one guy's just hammering the other guy. Great moment. Why are you telling us this? Wait, so the trivia host goes,

so as you can see, that man is ramming that other man. Now, in computing terms, what does ram stand for? What a weird IT class. IT stands for In Tom. Welcome to Longbow Comedy. Oh, long trivia, I should have said. What you didn't realise is that guy's cock was so tough that it actually sucks cum off faces it's already cum on.

Is there something new that Dyson's working on? I mean, we can all pick up a bowling ball, guys. It's on the morning show. Look at this. There's spilt cornflakes and all this shit all over the carpet. Watch it go right back up. What are we going to do? Check it out.

My dick can cut through a shoe and all for the easy price of $9.99 $69.99 a month call in now we'll throw in an extra one

throw one in alright anyway so you sucked off Milan what next so this Pink Panther dude's trying to buy us

all drinks and we're a bit standoffish because he's too full on he's trying to buy Milan a drink yeah

again it's Westworld this gang that have robbed Kim Kardashian this gang that have robbed Kim Kardashian

trying to buy Milan a drink the deadliest catch so Milana and I are just trying to keep this guy at arm's length then another dude comes over who's a friend of his another guy but he's absolutely fucking crazy eyed got nail polish on again

yeah he's got so much nail polish and toe polish Will Anderson style and uh Milana goes man we're gonna get fucking bashed we're going to try and leave this joint we're just going to get the shit kicked out of us what are we going to do and i'm like milan i don't know what to do and milan goes let's just buy him drinks and milan milan the gang members they they had to go home you just kept buying shots until two of the toughest cunts I've ever seen were like,

oh, bye guys, bye, bye everyone. I'll kill you, I'll kill your family, I'll kill everyone you care about. Prove it, prove it. So imagine if Kim Kardashian wasn't such a tight ass, she could have got away with it as well. Just open the minibar, Kim. That's fucking funny. Can you imagine if Independence Day, like, President, they're going to explode,

so I'm like, we're going to have to Milan him. Yeah, they open up a vault, smoke comes pouring out. Just shoot from... It's just... It's just Milan floating out with a train of shots. Welcome to Earth, you rat cunt. Prove it. Shots, shots, shots, shots. Merry Christmas, Milan.

You know he died yesterday, yeah? Yeah, this is his wake. Guys, I reckon we should wrap it up there. We're in Australia. We're not in Australia. Guys I reckon we should wrap it up There Summer Lance We're in Australia We're not in Australia We're not in Australia He's not dead

But Yeah is that it Should we wrap it up One of the gifts One of the gifts The Ronnie gifts Yeah Well look

We'll pass them on According to this guy They're bad content so Oh really The guy in the Bieber t-shirt We'll You wouldn't want to wear them You look ridiculous

We thought you'd be all over cheap Asian stuff We'll just hand them out on the way out People can grab what they want on the way out That's cool Oh shit, that's really rubbing it in What the fuck is that? Weird frisbee But that's like a used frisbee

I think he just cleaned out his house that? There's a fucking weird frisbee. Yeah. But that's like a used... That's not how it works. I think he just cleaned out his house. Yeah, that's a... A t-shirt that has the Just for Laughs Sydney logo on it that I presume he got given. Thanks for the gift, cunts. Anyway. You know Ronnie does frisbee by himself against the wall

like Forrest Gump with the tablecloth? I'm getting better. I'll be the best frisbee player of all time. There are people legitimately keen for that. People are putting their hand up wanting the frisbee, I think. Because they want you to throw it. The t-shirt. Oh, do you really?

Right, throw the frisbee. Throw the skips. Skips. Skips. Skips. Don't aim for the only light that's on us. Are we going to... Have we got a t-shirt cannon?

All right. Can we... Now this I would never have expected Ronnie to own, a free pussy riot t-shirt. A t-shirt that says free pussy riot. Wow. Do you want it? It's actually missing a comma. It was for his friend, Riot.

Give it to the guy who hates the honkies. Should he get it or should the lady who's going to give Dill a lift to the airport? Oh, yeah. Nah, fuck Dill. You can have it. You guys are all right. Are you saying... Guys, guys, guys. oh, my God, we figured it out. We can end racism with a T-shirt.

With T-shirts? 2016, what a great year it's been. We did it. I was wrong to say that there wasn't good content. There's great content. He's got so many T-shirts from gigs that he's done. He's just really rubbing it in, this this is a one for old mount cider always he's gone off brand responsibly yeah okay you see the advantage of sitting at the front Oh, UFC DVD. Fucking here we go. Look out. Oh.

Who would like a DVD copy of Hitler, The Rise of Evil? Okay. I take it back. You're welcome. Did Ronnie watch that for career inspiration or something? I actually just found the DVD because we all know that when Ronnie got big he modelled himself

on a certain comedian. Yes. And I've actually found the comedian that he modelled himself on to get so big. So here it is. Is it Margaret Cho?

I can give it away. Here it is. David Strasman. Is it still in the plastic cover? It is. I feel bad. It feels like...

Oh, shit. Prepare people if you get a fling. This is a band. This is like an EP of a band that I've never heard of, but I think they must be pretty cool because it's signed. They've signed it for him. Hi, Ronnie. Thanks so much for coming to the gig.

Is there anyone you've never heard of called Ronnie? So the band's theatre, if you listen to this, Ronnie Chain does not give a fuck about you anymore. Yeah, maybe the eye-gouging items should be handed out rather than flung into a crowd. Hey, we don't come to your TV show and tell you how to... No, I wouldn't let you. Yeah.

I think that's a great idea. The Jamie Oliver Happy Days Tour line. Where the chef rolls in on a scooter like a fucking bad cop. What about bitches? This can get up to 46 kilometres an hour. I'm going to poach a chicken, look out. Who would have thought that just going through someone's DVD library would have yielded such great content?

Oh, it's not him. No, it is him. Oh, my God. The tagline is, cooking up a storm live on stage. Try a kitchen, fuck it. That box represents what autism looks like. Yeah. No, that's why he's giving it away.

He's already memorised all the recipes. Got it. Just Terminator looks at it. He doesn't even watch it. I like how the box is filled with packing foam as well, just in case any of this valuable stuff gets damaged. And he's put six of them in there, you know. It's almost as if the DVDs are there to protect the packing farm.

Yeah, yeah. A U2 DVD? Anyone? I think that DVD was put in everyone's DVD shelf overnight one night. Very topical joke if you are still living in 2014. What a shot. Edit it out. I actually thought you were that fucking weirdo From Geelong When you came over

Alright we're going Through a box Of someone else's shit We've got to wrap this up This is it Alright guys Thank you so much For coming out

To the Little World On Christmas Eve Big round of applause Nick, Cody Jill, Joe Singer Cee-Lip, Aquaria Thank you so much For coming out

Merry Christmas Merry Christmas And a happy new year Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Merry Christmas.