The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 326 - Nick Mason & Harley Breen

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

Maso's First Time, The Sand Button and Red Lights.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Adelaide, we are doing it again. We are putting ourselves through this. We are subjecting ourselves to the severe mental and emotional torture of having a podcast on sale in your city Saturday, March the 4th during the Adelaide Fringe Festival. It's a big... Carl, we have trouble selling tickets to one podcast at a time. Now we're trying to do it for two in one show. What are we thinking? No, it's going to be good. Adelaide are finally going to come through, I think, this time. Yeah.

They're going to be the new Brisbane. That's what I think. We had a – this – we're finally – as you said to me, finally we're speaking these cunts' language. We had a bit of a Boxing Day sale. Yes. Where tickets were a little bit cheaper. Yes.

And well, well, well. Yeah. Look who got out the old checkbook. Now we speak you those tight cunts language. So yeah, a few of you have gotten on board already. That was good. A bunch of you have gotten on board, which is good. We sold in one day what it normally takes us three months to get to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, in one day, on our first day, it felt like we only had three days to go until it was on. Pretty much. Yeah. So you've got a cheaper ticket. That's a good incentive. If you're not on the social medias, if you're not following us on the social medias, we'll

chuck little bargains and cool stuff like that up. So keep an eye on all that stuff. Give us a like on Facebook. It was nice. I've got to say, it was nice to be on the other side of the Boxing Day sales. Yeah. It was nice to be a small business owner and be able to chuck something out at a discounted rate for the day. Man, we've got to do that again.

We've got to do a Black Friday. We've got to do... I know. Yeah, it was good because I had to go buy some stuff in the sales. Right. Which I know you did too. Yes. Guilty.

And I was, look, the guy selling me this stuff, in my head I was like, but I'm also kind of you in a way. Right. Someone's, you know what I mean? This transaction is reversed for someone else. Yeah. Out there online. I wish I'd have said that to him.

I'm like you in a way. Cool, you got a job. Good one. Yeah, I'm on the clock too, mate. I get it. I had to get up at 7am to set up a try booking page. So I understand what it's like. Yeah, so Adelaide.

So yeah, we've got plenty of you coming already. For you guys that missed out, hey, they're still very affordable prices. There's a double podcast. Like Tommy said, it's during the Fringe Festival, so we've already written down all the possible names and talked to some people about who wants to come and do it. Only two and a half months until we actually

start asking those people if they want to do it. So there is a veritable galaxy of stars being in Adelaide at that time, so it's the best time of the year to come and go to Adelaide, even if you want to. Man, like last time, people flew to Adelaide at that time, so it's the best time of the year to come and go to Adelaide, even if you want to. Man, like last time, people flew to Adelaide for the podcast. It's a good time of year. I love Adelaide.

It's a great time over there. The people that live in Adelaide actually flew out of the state while we were on, so they didn't have to come and see us. Okay, Brisbane, it has been too long. You've been clamouring for this for a year. We've got it. We're trying to work out ways to come more than once a year, but we are back during the Brisbane Comedy Festival, March the 18th.

We've got a show on sale right now. Again, during the Brisbane Comedy Festival, like I just said, there's heaps of guests around. And we've picked our favourite weeks. We've picked certain weeks where we know awesome guests are going to be in town for those ones. So, you know, if you want a bit of a sneak preview, maybe get on the websites and find out who is in town at that time.

Look through the guides, yeah. So both of those are on sale now, littledumbdumbclub.com, Adelaide and Brisbane. Come out and see us. Also, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. So many of you snapping up the season passes to the, yeah, the live shows that we're doing every Sunday afternoon at the European Beer Cafe.

Now, we've sold so many season passes that it means that I reckon we're going to be sold out at some stage. So get on to it. Guarantee yourself a seat. Guarantee yourself. You know what? This is the problem. This is the time we're going to have a real problem this year,

I reckon, with the drunk cast. So if you're a recent listener, the drunk cast is something we do on the final night of the Melbourne Comedy Festival. We do an extra free show to people who have already bought tickets to previous shows. So you get in for free. It's a crazy unrecorded show. Now, what we did this year was we gave season pass ticket holders a first go. They came in the door first.

Now, you know what? If 200 people bought season passes, well, those 200 people are coming into the drunk cast. And the other people aren't. So, to guarantee yourself a entry to the drunk cast, season passes... Your best bet is the season pass. Yeah. We can't

guarantee guarantee anymore. If you buy one ticket to another show, we can't super guarantee that anymore. We'll just have to see how it goes. Someone messaged me direct through PlayStation to ask if you need to have a season pass or to get into the drunkhouse or if you can

use one with an, if you can get in with an individual ticket. Hang on, just to confirm. Someone spoke to you through your PlayStation? Yeah, so you can add people on PlayStation has like a built-in social network thing on it. I thought you'd been playing games for way too long and you think Crash Bandicoot is trying to get into your show.

Yeah, no, so you can add people on there. Some guy found me and a little message pops up while I'm playing a game yesterday and goes, hey, man, how do we get into the drunk house? I'm like, of all the methods of communication that you have, and I haven't written back to that guy because to type back, you have to like use your controller and go into this shit on-screen keyboard, which I cannot be fuck doing.

So to that guy, if you're listening to this, yes, you can technically. What a world of communication where one bloke talks you through a PlayStation and you answer him on a podcast. Yeah, it's great. Fuck, have you idiots ever heard of phones? Fucking hell. Hey, if you listen to this, if you play video games, I'm on the PlayStation Network.

My name's Dassolo. Just add me on that. I'm happy to answer all queries. Fuck, how are we going to remember that? I'm happy to answer all queries that you may have about the podcast, but you're going to have to wait until you listen to the podcast. PlayStation AMA for Tommy Dassolo. Yeah, totally.

Wow, okay. As a quick plug. Just, you know, if you don't want to do that, hit me up. My name's Chandler on the Commodore 64, so get onto that. I'm playing California Games if you want to hop on. Good reference. Yeah. I don't mention this enough, but I also do a podcast about video games with previous

guest Adam Knox. I should mention it more on this show because I have a feeling that the people who listen to the podcasts and the people that are into the video games, the centre of that Venn diagram is basically just a circle again, I reckon. So it's called Filthy Casuals. Look it up. It's good. If you're looking for something else to listen to,

in the long, long days between episodes of this show, give that a run. But anyway, so yes, Dr yeah drunk cast final night of the festival if you want to be safe get a season pass you can technically the hope is that you can get in with just an individual ticket

but you might be I mean imagine turning up 11pm on a Sunday and not getting into something lining up well kind of a blessing in a way lining up 11pm on a Sunday night

oh and then going no sorry you can't come in to see 17 people drunk off their heads calling each other cunts for an hour or two. Yeah. Look, should we just give a, we always sort of say, like, we want to keep it all off the record, what happens. Last year we were all dressed up as the village people. Yeah. It was pretty amazing.

Yeah. We spent a lot of money doing that. It cost a lot of money. That was so much money. And we then got pissed and lost a lot of the little props and accessories from the costumes. So I did not get my deposit back. Oh, really?

Fuck. I didn't know that. There was a lot of – because they give you – the costume guy went over the top and gave me every bit of fanfare. He would not let me get out of there without getting every piece of paraphernalia what what what were the bells and whistles on a village people costume um i don't know they were like just various necklaces and bracelets and all that sort of stuff oh yeah great i'm glad we spent money on that yeah actually no i think they gave me

i think they only took a little bit because i told this on the show at the time the the girl behind the counter who i brought it all back to listens to the show. Say that. What's the company called again? Rose Chong's Costume Shop in North Fitzroy on Gertrude Street. Great. Well, let's give them a big shout out because let's go back there next year and get a costume again.

Oh, totally. And just chuck everything out the fucking window at the end of it and get away with it. Rose Chong sounds like a drag queen version of Ronnie Chang. Well, they got the costumes. Oh, wow. That's the costume I want for the drunk cast. What?

The female Ronnie Chang. The drag Ronnie Chang. Yeah. Oh, man. That's great. Yeah. We got to try and get that to happen. Yeah.

If he's in the country. Yeah. All right. Okay. So that's Melbourne. That's Melbourne. So on top of that, man, that's great. Yeah, we've got to try and get that to happen. Yeah. If he's in the country. Yeah. All right. Okay. So that's Melbourne. That's Melbourne. So on top of that, hey, you know what? We also have solo shows, solo comedy festival shows.

And they're in the same venue because the podcast is at the European Beer Cafe, which is where I run my Thursday night regular weekly show every Thursday night, the Thursday Comedy Club at the European Beer Cafe. So that's on Thursdays. During the comedy festival, we are on every Sunday doing the podcast. We are also, both you and I, Tommy, doing our solo shows for two weeks only, every single night. The dates are like, you know, mid, early to mid, I think it's like 9th of April?

April 9th. Well, one on April 2 and then April 9th until 23. That's right. Every podcast, every live podcast, directly afterwards we do our solo shows. Yes. And then we run every night from April 9 till April 23 or something like that. Yeah.

For the first time ever, it's actually easy for people to come to the podcast and then come to both of us. Never before. We've always been in different venues. Yes. We've been on at the same time as each other or we've been on right,

like we've been on at opposite ends of town, like one after the other so people have to sprint and they still end up missing one of our shows. We are back to back. Yes, for the first time. We are like Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi on stage. We are back to back. We're like those two girls in one of the second last scenes

of Requiem for a Dream. Oh, yes. Ass to ass. So, yeah, look, I'm on an A15, you're on a 930 at night. So, yeah, man, easy. It's going to be good. It's going to be really good. So, yeah, all that stuff is on sale now.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. We've also got our T-shirts there, the burger shirt that we've reprinted after a long absence. People are loving that. The I'm Aware shirts, not many of them left. Yeah, limited sizes left of that. So especially that and the 0438 shirt. But the big reprint of the – we've done another reprint of the burger shirt since then because we sold out a bunch of sizes.

So they are flying off the shelves at the moment. That's the hot ticket on the Dum Dum Club website at the moment. So get on there. Have a good look around our website. You will also find a link to our Patreon. Now that, of course, is the bit where you chuck in a bit of money to thank us and help us run the show properly. And then in reward, we don't really need to give you a reward because what you're doing

is rewarding us for getting this to start with. It's meant to be you just kind of pay for the thing that you already get for free if you like it enough. Yeah. But we fucked it and we put free if you like it enough. Yeah. But we fucked it and we put all this extra stuff into it. Yeah. That is a lot of extra work. That we now hate doing.

But it's worth it because it's great content. So if you want to do that, of course, once again, you chuck in different money and you get different rewards including a magazine, including a bonus podcast every month and of course including your little name, month, and of course, including your little name, that little bunch of letters that your parents have foisted upon you at birth. We, but a mere 20 to 40 years later, read that out on the air. And for a mere 20 to 40 minutes at a time, we talk about them. Yeah.

Yeah. So here we go. Let's take it away. Okay. We've got an interesting one to start with. This will be very good. See, I've learned to not trust this now because you do this a bit. You go, this one's interesting.

John Smith. Oh, you read it. No. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mitchell Scroy. Okay. Scroy. All right.

Mitchell Scroy. S-G-R-O- Okay. Scroi. All right. Mitchell, Scroi. S-G-R-O-I. Scroi. S-G-R-O-I. Yeah. Oh, wow. Scroi. That ends on a weird...

Rarely you see a name that just ends in I like that. Scroi. What about S-G? Just starting in S-G. Scroi. S-G-R. I don't think I've ever seen anything... I've never seen the combination of letters S-G-R before.

Yeah, true. Scrooge. Scrooge. Oh, yeah, fuck. No, no. Scrooge McDuck. Yeah, Scrooge. He's the opposite of Scrooge McDuck.

He's actually giving us money. He's swimming around in his little money pit. Yeah. And then he gets out and whatever he shakes off, he just chucks into our coffins. Oh, yeah, very good. When he dives head first and doesn't get a brain injury. Yeah, that show painted a real kind of like inaccurate picture

of the weight and consistency of money. Yeah. Money, when it's all piled together, is still fluid enough that you can go right through it. Oh, it's one of the hardest surfaces there is around. It's like that thing of like when you – you really shouldn't – there should be warning things on cartoons because people – I remember being very drunk with my friends and jumping into bushes

because you just think, oh, these are like clouds and they're not clouds. They're actually sticks, sharp sticks. Okay. At what age? Because I thought – like I would say if you were like, I remember being eight and trying this. Sure. But drunk suggests that you're of an age where you should know better.

I'm from Mirabar. I was eight and drunk. Okay. Your story checks out. All right. No, I think I was 20. Okay. Yeah.

Something like that. Jumping into a bush because you thought it was a cloud. Well, it looks cloud-like. You know those big fluffy bushes? You go, oh, this is good. And then you remember they're made of sticks and there's little fluffy bits on the outside of the sticks. Yes, sure.

But you're jumping into hard sticks. Yes. Hey, I'm just putting out a message, guys. Okay. Don't go jumping into bushes. Not jumping into coins and no jumping into bushes. And was that the last time that you decided to, like jumping into that bush that you thought was a cloud?

Yes. Was that the end of all kind of like cartoon-related activity for you? Cancelling the subscription to Acme. No, I still put a big cardboard black hole onto a cave and walked into it. Oh, okay. Drove a train through it. And that worked?

Yeah, totally. Oh, well, I can see why you're still making these mistakes at 20. Yeah, sometimes it's working for you, sometimes it's not. Inconsistency. Life is inconsistent. Thanks, Scrooge. Thanks, Scrooge. Thanks, Scroitum.

Thanks to Don Martin from Mad Magazine for designing your last name as well. Scrooge. Scrooge. That's the name of someone's cummerbund just buckling up in their face. That's the sound my dick makes when I see how much money he put in. All right. Thanks, dick. Oh, we got there eventually.

We had to talk about DuckTales for 20 minutes, but we got there. Now, thank you to Patreon subscriber Laurie Perry. Laurie Perry. Laurie Perry. LP. Yeah. Katie's sister. That's a bit of – it's not alliteration, but I like

it when both of them end in the same sound. And they both end in I as well. Oh, really? Yeah, Laurie Perry. It's nice. Yeah. I think that's... Like I always say, I'm always very welcome to have more

female Patreon subscribers. Yes. Even it up. Some people hate that you point this out and make a big song and dance about it, but look, you're set in your ways. Why is that bad to say thank you to ladies that are giving us money? Good for you.

You're right. Equal rights, that's what I say. I've learnt that once you've decided something is normal, there's no point trying to talk you around because you become set in your behaviours and you will not change. You know what I say to ladies? I say burn your bra and give us money. That's what I say.

Don't burn the bra. Don't buy the bra in the first place. Instead, take that money and put it into our Patreon. That's right. Ladies, walk around with your floppy titties and give us some cash. Oh, my God. Thanks, Laurie. Ladies, walk around with your floppy titties and give us some cash. Oh, my God. Thanks, Laurie. Thanks, Flop.

Fuck, I think I'm going to jump into a bush again. I think our money pit's about to become a little more shallow. Thank you, too. All right. This guy. Now, this is an example of when I say to people, I say, give us a shout out because sometimes we've missed people. I haven't made a listing of a subscriber.

This person has complained. They've been on there since the start. I've never actually looked at your computer when you're doing this. I'm fascinated to see what the note-keeping system actually is because some people have been waiting a year now to be shouted out. Some people get shouted out multiple times in a week. Yes. I don't want the illusion ruined for me.

Right. So, thank you to – oh, he's got a surname that we both know and love. Thank you to Matt Cock – no, thank you to Matt McDonald. Matt McDonald. Yeah, that's great. I was actually thinking about McDonald's today. All right. Did this happen?

Have they, like, killed off all their characters? I think there's been a bit of a concerted effort to, yeah. Because you sort of – I remember being a little kid and in, like, cartoons and stuff, there being references to Mayor McCheese from McDonald's. Yeah. But sort of going, I don't quite know what that is, but then some McDonald's you'd go to that have a mural

and you'd be like, oh, that's okay. That must be that Mayor McCheese guy. I think you always hear that on American shows. I don't think we ever got officially introduced to Mayor McCheese. I'm pretty sure they had a mural in the one near Chadston, in the Maccas near Chadston. It had a Mayor McCheese on it. Some regal looking cunt with a hamburger for a head

who I have to assume is Mayor McCheese. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, that could be anyone. That could be Prince Big Mac. Archbishop Filet-O-Fish. Someone draw that up for us. That could be... New mascot of the Little Dum-Dum Club.

Yeah, that could be Pope McFlurry. Yeah, why did they stop at the mayor? Why doesn't this thing go all the way to the top? Pope McFlurry, kneel down and kiss my onion ring. Senior Sergeant Pickles sliding down the window Yeah All these things McDonald's you feel this thing

You know what You know what's going to happen I think they consciously got rid of All the little animated characters And whatever they went You know what that's not cool That's not something we want to associate with We've got such an adult

That's not cool But it isn't Yeah but like Why are they concerned with being cool all of a sudden But they are You look at their ads Of course they're being cool. They're not like going, you know, they're not daggy anymore.

Those ads were daggy. McDonald's ads used to be daggy and aimed at kids and stuff like that. Now it's like, nah, we're like a fucking rustic burger restaurant. But the Happy Meals become a piece of shit. The toys are no good anymore. They used to be in bed with Disney and they would always have sweet Disney toys when I was growing up. But are you just a little bit more grown up, Tommy? Is that why you don't like the toys?

You actually don't see – I was in one the other day and shock horror and you don't even see – like I remember when going in there as a kid and it would be like, hey, this new Disney movie, we've got all these toys. They don't even have ads like that up in there anymore. Right. I don't even know what you get in a Happy Meal. Yeah. I remember when I was like 20, they bought in the option of in the Happy Meal you can

get chips or you can get apple slices. Right. And I thought, thank fuck I'm not a little kid anymore. Imagine that, your parents going in and getting you the Happy Meal with fucking apple slices. But I've never... First of all, boring. And imagine the quality of apple slices from McDonald's. That's what I was going to say.

I'm sure McDonald's will find a way of fucking up an apple. Yeah. Why is there a fucking big lump of sugar in my fucking apple? Yeah, totally. Do you need deep fried apple? But I don't know. Yeah, it's a bit of a shame. I thought that was cool when you'd go in there as a kid.

You don't even see Ronald around anymore. No, no. Grimace the Hamburglar. The Hamburglar was always a bit of a sus character to begin with. A bit weird to go in there and then be like championing this fucking small time criminal. Yeah. Oh, well, look, we could talk about this forever, but like Grimace. I think we are at this point.

As if it makes sense that there's some huge fat cunt that's purple. It's like, oh, yeah, cool. There's the consequences of eating too much here. You change colour. You look like you're going to die and you're the shape of a fucking volcano. And Birdie, I remember it always being a little bit like what i remember as a little kid like going wait is this is this ronald's bitch like what's going on here you know what i mean it was always kind of a little sort of like but see i'm of an age where they introduced birdie midway through my i reckon teens maybe

all of a sudden there's a birdie so you're old enough to jerk your dick over and you're like this is sweet yeah yeah new and yeah just when i thought i was too old for mcdonald's i was lining up first day when they introduced it to jerk my dick over birdie oh i'm getting a bit of a grimace down there instead of chucking pickles on the side of the window i was i was putting something else on there and you're racing that with a pickle yeah there was like someone next to me doing the same thing and we were racing each other down the window. And then putting it into bags of apple slices. Oh, where's it gone?

The cumbergler strikes again. Oh, I didn't know you crept up on me there, man. I'm an expert. Oh, I didn't know you crept up on me there, Mayor McSperm. Oh, God. Thanks, Mark. Matt. Oh, Matt. Thanks, Matt McDonald.

Oh, man. That was your fault, Matt McDonald, for having that name. So that little sweet bit of riffing, riffing. It was thanks to Matt McDonald. So blame him if you didn't like any of that. Oh, by the way, speaking of Matt, because I have a request, if this is still going by the next time we do a live show, they've got this Summer Bites box at the moment where you get like –

Oh, I saw that last night. You get some Chicken McBites, you get some Chicken Nuggets and then you get some Hash Brown Bites. Now, I'm fascinated to try these Hash Brown Bites, but you can't get them – you can only get them as part of the box. And I sort of don't want to go in on all that other shit. So if you're coming to a live show, if you can get a summer box on the way down, eat the rest of it.

I just want to try a couple. I don't even want all of the hash brown bites. I just want one or two. Man, the magnificent conditioning of people at McDonald's to make that. They're just fucking potato jams that you can go and buy for two bucks as safe by your idiot. I know. And they would be better.

I was looking up at it going, what could this be? I bet they'd be so shit. Totally, but I won't know for sure until someone... I'm just testing. This is like three months out from our next live show. I just want to test and see. I want to test

the resolve of our listeners. Unless they do it in Adelaide or Brisbane. That's what I'm saying. That's of our listeners. Unless they do it in Adelaide or Brisbane. That's what I'm saying. That's in three months. No. Oh, it's in two months. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not that far away. It's two months. Yeah. Man, we could be fucking – Mark it down. We're lucky to get anyone to come along to Adelaide, let alone bring us fucking potato jams. Get your iPhone out now.

Set a reminder for the day of the live show. Bring me some of these hash brown bites. If they're still on the menu, they might not be. You know what McDonald's is like? Like, there's no use bringing something from a venue to our venue there's like a big distance in between as soon as they put food on the counter it's basically fucked yeah like it's got no shelf life as soon as it it cools off fucking three degrees it's like i'll fucking chuck this and also knowing what i'm like i'm just as likely to forget that i've said

any of this cut to two months later in the show someone someone who just loves this podcast and just wants to give back. They're like, oh, he's going to be so psyched. They hand it to me and I go, what the fuck's this, you fucking freak? Get away from me. I know this ad is going further and further. It's 23 minutes at this point. All right.

But, you know, look, don't complain because this is just as good as the episode. Yeah, this is holiday content as well. You know what? You can fast forward all the way through if you don't want to. We're doing this on December 29th. Everyone else is on holidays. No one this is holiday content as well. You know what? You can fast forward all the way through if you don't want to, but I'll tell you what. We're doing this on December 29th. Everyone else is on holidays.

No one else is going into work. Yeah. What I want to bring up is I've said this before. As soon as you mention a food product, as soon as you mention something that people can latch onto and people know about, whatever, these are the little bits that people grab onto and then bring in and

want to talk about. I talked about that what was it called? Not the mayonnaise. No, we were talking about hollandaise. Hollandaise. We both were. Yeah, hollandaise. And so someone at the, one of the last live podcasts, when was that?

One of the Melbourne ones, the double one, right? The double one. They brought us two jars of it. Yeah. Now, the guys from Sydney, there the listeners from Sydney who brought in, it was on the show, they brought in a Christmas present to me. It was, what was it again? It was Holland Days.

It was two jars of Holland Days. It was the Mars Bar, what are they called? Pods. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pods. Yeah. Big packet of pods with Mars and M&Ms. Yep. And I feel like they were keen listeners because I'm sure I've mentioned all those things.

Yep, yep. There's three of my favourite things. Yep. I just want to say, I did not fucking get any of those things by the end of the show. Other people took all of them. Well, we started eating the pods during the show. I'm pretty sure you started eating the M&Ms that night. No, I didn't.

Oh, really? Fucking people took them all. People just went, oh, cool. They're just for everyone. And I've got the hollandaise because I saw it lying around because we both get drunk at those shows. I was, not to toot my own horn, I felt like I was slightly less drunk than you

and I took a moment to just grab all that stuff as I was packing up the mic. So I've got both those jars at my house. All right. Well, just thank you for the thought, but just know that I didn't even get any of my presents. Well, I hope you don't mind, but I opened up some of that Hollandaise the other day.

I bet you fucking did. I had a little bit of it on a steak. What do you think of that? Hollandaise on a steak. That's all I do with it. Yeah. That's great. I fucking love it.

I remember saying at the time... All the pods on steaks. Anyway. Thanks, Mark. Yeah. Matt. Matt. Matt. Fuck. All right. All right. Anyway Thanks Mark Yeah Matt Matt Matt

Matt Fuck Alright alright Let's get close to the end of this thing Yep Thank you too Now this is a very timely one By the way my friend Pat who listens to this

Told me that he went for a 6k run the other day And by the time he finished the run He still hadn't got through the ad We get told a lot of that on social media Don't worry Oh yeah fucking I flew to the North Pole And then I came back he still hadn't got through the ad. We get told a lot of that on social media. Don't worry. Oh, yeah, fucking I flew to the North Pole and then I came back and you hadn't finished the Patreon read. Cool.

No, but he wasn't complaining. He loves them. I just thought it was good for us to have an actual distance measurement of how long these go for. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Sorry for providing extra free content.

You cunts. My news resolution is to make these even longer and to hunt you cunts down and stab you if you don't like it. Well, and also, let's start making the actual episode shorter so that then these people actually have something to complain about. Yeah, yeah. The actual uploaded file, we should have a strict rule, it can't be any longer than an hour.

Yeah. So the longer these go for, the more we have to chop out of the actual episode. We get Sean McAuliffe in for five minutes. Fuck, that'd be so good. And it's like, no, we had to riff on fucking jerking off at McDonald's for 30 minutes. So we couldn't fit you in it for any longer, Sean. Sorry, mate.

Do con and fuck off quick. Thank you to our Patreon subscriber. He's a very, very new Patreon subscriber. He is, in fact, someone who subscribed but five minutes before we recorded this episode. Oh, here we go. Yes. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nick Mason.

Who told us that he subscribed because we make fun of him in real life for scabbing his way into gigs. Because he's not a comedian, but he's sort of a guy in Melbourne that just turns up to gigs and we all go, are you sort of one of us, I guess? Yeah, so come in. And so he was so worried about that coming up. Little Scab Cunt, I believe, is the nickname that you came up with for him. He was so worried about getting roasted about that that he, in his car out the front of my house,

subscribed to Patreon just then so that if that angle came up, he could say, well, I subscribe to you on Patreon now. Yeah. So, yeah. So just a little, like a lot of people in the nerd community that are listening right now, and we already know who Dick Mason is, people, normal people, won't know as much

unless you travel from the city to Richmond or to places like that because he'll be your tram driver. I was driving along that very line just this morning. Ah, very nice. It's where I live. So I would have to say, obviously my phone number is out there. I get a lot of messages from people. But I get suggestions for some guests.

I've never had as many requests for a guest than I have had for Nick Mason. Yeah, right. No, I've never had people go, you should get, you know, Pete Hellyer on, you should get Dave Hughes on. You should get Nick Mason. Yeah, right. No, I've never had people go, you should get, you know, you know, Pete Hellyer on, you should get Dave Hughes on. It's, you should get Nick Mason on. The people love the Maceo. Yeah.

The people love him. Fuck there's weird people out there. He came and did our video games podcast. We've had Luke McGregor on that. We've had a bunch of other great people. People don't care as much as they do about old Maceo. About that stupid fucking bus driving idiot. Fucking weird. Thanks, Maceo. About that stupid fucking bus driving idiot. Fucking weird.

Thanks, Maceo. So that's just a little warning as to what's coming up. Is this the first time a guest has paid us to be on the show? Well, I don't know if he's paid us to be on the show. No, no, because Sam Dastyari, Senator Sam. Oh, that's okay. He is a Patreon subscriber and he came on the show after that. That's true.

Yeah, okay, that's true. And Mark Maron's a subscriber, patron subscriber. We haven't read his name out yet, but we'll get to it. What's Maceo – okay, two questions. What's Maceo paying and has he cancelled the subscription yet after he did the episode? He has not done that yet, but he's a $5 subscriber. All right, so he's getting the magazine.

He gets the magazine. He doesn't get the bonus podcast. Okay. Yeah, so he's all right. Good on him. Good on him. Good on Maceo. Good on him. There's plenty of people who don't do that, so good for him. Yeah. All right. Thanks,. Okay. Yeah, so he's all right. Good on him. Good on him. Good on Mace. Good on him.

There's plenty of people who don't do that, so good for him. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Mace. Yeah, well, that'll do, I think, this week. You know what? There's not one more on there? Oh, should I do one more?

I mean, I don't know. It's just weird to end on one that didn't have much fireworks to it. It's just us talking about our friend. Well, I just thought that was like a, you know, it's a notable thing that that could do for like the end of the Metron readout. Was Nick Mason, was that the stupid made-up one for this week? Imagine driving a tram. There's no stupid made-up ones. They're all legitimate, Tommy.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Now I will definitely not let you read this document. If you're going to cast aspersions onto the legitimacy and accuracy of the people who subscribe. I just think if we do one more now, it's one less that we have. You just really may as well. It's already gone for so long. I'll do it. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

First name, fuck you. Last name, Tommy. Thanks, fuck you. Fuck you. Wow, that person has the same last name as my first name. What if they've ever jacked off in McDonald's? That's the funny weird bit about it. That's the funny.

I mean, imagine having a first name for a last name. How funny is that? That is weird. That's the funny weird bit about it. That's the funny, I mean, imagine having a first name for a last name. How funny is that? That is weird. That is peculiar. That is very weird. Okay, guys, so littledumbdumbclub.com

for all those tickets and to find the Patreon link, merchandise, all that stuff, check out our website. It's got everything on there and it looks fucking great. Yeah.

It's a hell of an online portal, isn't it? Yeah. We've got the old logo. I've said this before and the man, a great graphic designer in Cairns, has emailed me to say,

hey, man, give us a new logo, give us the new whatever, and I'll tart it up. So I should get onto that because we do have the old logo on there. But, man, fuck, we've got a lot of shit on it. Yeah, it looks good. Okay, guys, check that out, littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll see you at a live show if you're in Brisbane, Adelaide, or Melbourne. If you want to chip into the Patreon, we really really appreciate it thanks to everyone that supports the show and like i said the other week if you want to do us a solid man pass it on pick

one of your favorite episodes pick a really funny one you love pass on to a mate and just say hey you got the same sense of humor as me get into this thing we'd love to grow our listenership we i know some of you guys do that already. It would be great if everyone did it, if we just kept growing and growing. That would really help us out. That would do us a favour. And for you guys that don't want to fucking come to a live show, of which many of you go,

yeah, I don't want to go to that. Cool, we'll just do us a solid, do this. And yeah, welcome aboard to everyone who's jumped on board because of their old mate Nick Mason being on the show. Enjoy this episode with Nick Mason and Harley Breen. If you've made it this far. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, this is the first podcast we are recording since the big bombshell announcement of last week, you getting engaged to your lovely girlfriend. This is the test. Can the podcast sustain itself without us being able to make fun of you for not getting engaged?

We're about to find out. Yeah, I'm now developing the new character. I'm perfect guy. So... Well, I give zero fucks about it. I'm not far off. Let's welcome in our guest for today. First of all, I mean, Carl's freshly engaged. We thought, let's get someone

in who's going to speak very highly of the institution of marriage. It's Harley Bree. Say goodbye to your car, dickhead. Was that when you got back from Singapore after being engaged, did you get in the car and just go, I'm going to miss this? Did you blow your clutch in like it's about time I proposed? Don't worry, I had my clutch blown.

Wow, saucy stuff. Also joining us for the first time, you'll know him from the Weekly Planet podcast. It's our little mate, Nick Mason. Hooray! Or as my kid likes to call you, the idiot bus driver. Oh, Marley, you've started already. So let's set the scene here, Nick Mason.

People probably may know you as the host of the Weekly Planet podcast. They don't. There'll be a lot of fucking nerds listening to us right now going, yeah, well, yeah, it's Maceo, but there's a lot of normal, sane people like myself going, what the fuck is this guy on here for? Wait, sorry, there's no normal, sane people listening to this podcast. Yeah.

For people who don't know me, I know all of you guys because essentially I inserted myself into your life and I refused to leave. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I kind of Stockholm Syndrome'd you guys until you were my friends. So hot tip for all the listeners out there, like the more dedicated listeners, if you've sent Carl like 100 threatening 4am texts

and you're getting a bit disheartened that he's not responding to you, just do the next 100 and he'll invite you on the show eventually. That's how this works. Drive a tram and be a weirdo. That's right, yeah. So we got to know Maysaw. Just go past his house because I've been doing that for years. Yeah, yes, you have.

So we got to know Maysaw a few years ago. You would be at gigs pretty regularly and then we got to know you and then one day you start coming up to me and you start talking about this podcast that you do and how it's really really popular. I've never said any of those things. You did. You were like He never came up to you.

You've never met this guy. No one comes up to you. I'm so lonely. I'm reading out fanfic about myself. I don't bring it up unless somebody else brings it up but I remember the time, the first time I did meet you. Carl used to do a gig at Felix Bar in St Kilda. Heard of it.

Yeah, and I'd listen to this podcast before I met you guys. Oh, did I snub you? Yeah, well, here's what happened. I went to Felix Bar and you were there and there was a woman with you and you were chatting and kind of arm in arm kind of thing. Classic. And I knew from the podcast you'd started dating somebody. And I was like, I should totally, yeah was like, I should totally wingman this guy.

I should come up to him and be like, oh, my God, I love the podcast. You're so funny kind of thing. You didn't know which one to sleaze onto first. That's exactly right. And maybe she'd be like, oh, people just come up to this guy and tell him how great he is kind of thing. But then I'm like, well, what if I do it? And she's just like, what's a podcast?

And you have to explain that it's a fake radio show for people who are too ugly to be on a real radio show. Fuck, that's ugly. Don't think we did the ugly bit in there, but anyway. You're beautiful. Fuck you, man. She will be back. Yeah, she'll be back.

So in your fantasy universe, I came up to you and I started banging on about this podcast. I started hearing whispers about this podcast that you do that's very popular and it always sounded to me like the kid in primary school who had a hot girlfriend who just went to another school in another state. Yeah. That's what it always felt like.

My podcast is in Sydney, guys. Yes. But then I've been with you and you've been recognised by people. Oh, yeah. People love Mr Mace. Uh-huh. People love him. What I heard, I didn't hear the full story properly.

I just heard about Mo and the Daily Planet And I was like, yeah, that's a whorehouse in St Kilda That makes sense Wait, wait A whorehouse? What salute do you think we're recording this in right now? This is the 1950s Carl Chadler's here

And he's just proposed to his girlfriend Sorry, let Wyatt Earp speak Look, I've done some research Because this is in my wheelhouse There are two competing brothels Garfrag. Sorry, let Wyatt Earp speak. Look, I've done some research because this is in my wheelhouse. There are two competing brothels, one of which is called the Daily Planet and one of which is called Gotham City. Daily Planet, the first brothel to be floated on the Stock Exchange.

Oh, yeah. By semen. It was floating in semen. It just started moving down the street and they're like, let's put it on the stocking shelf. So what's the link here where the two big ones have both gone for nerd references? I don't know.

I don't know if they're owned by the same guy, if I'm honest, and I don't know, like if you go in there, is it like comic book? Wasn't there a third one called Wonder Woman's Pussy? Yeah, no, it is. When you go into those brothels, it is comic book theme, meaning all the blokes in there have to buy roots. And a big hello to anyone who's listened to this off the back of being a fan of Maceo's comic book podcast.

You know what you are, it's fine. Now that you've downloaded this, I've got your addresses, I'll be around your house to flush your head down the toilet. Wedgie! But Mr Mace, in addition to hosting this podcast, you are a tram driver.

Correct. Melbourne-based tram driver. I cannot escape it. Yeah, yeah. Unlike those Sydney-based tram drivers. They have a tram in Sydney. They've got a light rail.

They have the cable cars in San Francisco. It's a light rail and that's a cable car. Oh yeah, let's listen to you about trams rather than this guy.

If you listen to me, I'll give you some funny repertoire. If you listen to him, it'll be, I'm a fucking dude. I don't know. I'm a fucking dude. I don't even have facts. I didn't know about the light rail thing. By the way, very quickly, it's worth pointing out,

I hit Mr Mace up about doing this podcast. It's worth pointing out, Nick Mason was very reluctant to come on this show did not want to do it, took a lot of convincing. You'll be on with Harley, who's six year old child called you the idiot buzz driver So yeah, because I'm I was trepidatious, and I think

that's fair, because I don't have the killer instinct that you guys have. That was what you said to me, I don't have the killer instinct I was like, it'll be fine. Exactly, like I might think that Dil has a massive weight problem and Ronnie has autism, and bloody Harley's a bad parent, but I'm not going to say any of those things. And you're right on all counts. And he also called us ugly before.

Oh, yeah, I did that as well. Wait, sorry. Is this your first time on Dumb Dumb? Yes. I'm going to pull back. I apologise. No, no, no. I was enjoying it.

No, I thought you'd been on before. No, no, I've got to find the level. I'll do it eventually. The level is you're a shit can. Oh, no. Harley. Commence the hazing. Yeah. But it was great because you i was trying to convince you i'm like man it'll be fun it'll just be nice to have you on it you're a good mate it'll be fun i'm trying to like talk

you i'm trying to like talk you into it yeah meanwhile i've got a separate window next to you with carl i'm like i think meso's in and carl's going i am gonna fucking smash him so hard i didn't go i went into this knowing. I've heard Carl say, yeah, I'm going to wreck him. I'm going to wreck this guy. I'm going to go him hard about his place of business and his job. Idiot bus driver. I saw Carl yesterday or the day before and I said,

and I just spoke to you, I hadn't spoken to Carl, and I'm like, so Carl, what do you reckon about me being on this? And he went, oh, yeah, I think it's going to be good. And he, like, put his hands together like a supervillain who's going to shoot a laser at a city or something. Is Carl is who booked me, so I feel like I'm part of his plan. Yes, that's what I, yeah, exactly. That's why I booked you, because you're both shit cunts.

Carl got me. Carl told me I don't have you're both shit cunts. Carl got me. Carl told me I don't have to turn up today if I don't want to. This is a summer no ratings period. Well, I'm brilliant for that role. So, yeah, just to set the scene of why we keep calling you an idiot bus driver, we were at lunch, was it like a year or two ago? It was my birthday. A few of us went to the pub for lunch. It was

the four of us. Dave O'Neill was there. Josh Earl, I think. Was he five years old then? I'm pretty sure he was four. He's now six and a half. Maybe he just turned five. It was at least a year and a half ago. And I at one point referred to you as an idiot bus driver. And Harley's son laughed harder than I've ever seen anyone

of any age laugh. He yucked it up. He really got into it. And I was totally on board. I'm like, it's so good to make a little kid happy and smile for a while. That's how I felt for a while. And I'm like, no. I don't reckon it was the first time you'd been bullied by a five-year-old. Who was basically nearly as tall as you.

I know, right? And by nearly, I mean he was just a bit taller. Yeah, I don't want to meet him again. He'll crush me. Carl has this photo from that day that he keeps sending me and keeps posting online that I wish he wouldn't of Harley's five-year-old son giving me a massage. Giving me a neck massage. And I told him, I don't condone that.

Like, let's all joke and it's funny, but don't put my fucking kid online. I'm going to get in trouble. I'm going to go down for this. I know you're a good guy, right? But you look like a creepy pedo and you're sitting there with this cheesy grin on your face with the shittest mo that anyone's ever tried to grow

and my sweet angelic child is behind you just giving you a bit of a shoulder. Yeah, the sweet angelic child is bullying somebody. He says, you stupid bus driver, idiot bus driver. Fuck public transport. He knows who he is. At one point, this is one of the most heartwarming father-son displays I've ever seen. Your kid tugged on your shoulder and went,

call him an idiot bus driver again, Dad. Bring your kid to work, Dad. It was great. He's got a lot of respect for public service providers. My hope, I guess, is that when it comes time for his 21st, just give me an invite.

He's not making it to that. Not if he's going around massaging people like that. He's got a gift, man. He's got a shallow graver waiting for him somewhere. Those delicate, soft little hands. He did really good work. He did really good work. I felt very relaxed. I think there's going to be

another engagement announced. Oh, someone steal my car with my kid in it you've come in hot from a Christmas party Harley have you been

drinking all afternoon and you've brought in beers which is the second episode in a row that someone

has I brought in beers and I don't even mind giving them a shout out this is actually

a legitimate thing to do on your podcast now because you have a huge listener base go and get

involved in Kaiju the brewery Kaiju it's a local brewer local legitimate as in we usually get paid for it and i'm not getting paid for it i'm just used to commercial radio now we got these we got these beers for free it's kaiju crush um anyway they're a local brewery very good beer i have been at a end of year celebration for i just did summer breakfast for breakfast radio. So we're recording this like two days before Christmas for context. We're banking it. It's going to go up a bit later.

But it is peak Christmas party season at the moment. It is absolute amateur hour out there on the streets if you ask me. And I filled in for everybody on Breakfast Radio on the Hit Network in the nation. So basically the whole nation on the Hit Network, which would be Today FM, B1055 which is now called Hit 105, Fox FM Do them all I can't remember all of them

Anyway, so I did the fill-in spot for three weeks Is the same thing with you, Mr Mace? Do you get someone coming in taking over? There's no ratings in the tram season So do they get some amateurs in there? I've got to work the whole thing, Carl I've got to work Christmas day Oh man

Do you? Yeah You don't have to You just choose to? I've got to work the whole thing, Carl. I've got to work Christmas Day. Oh, man. Do you? Yeah. You don't have to. You just choose to because you've got a shit life. Yes. Sorry. You continue with your shit anecdote. I'm sticking to my guns.

It's going to be fine. We're not going to bully you. It's going to be fine. Check it out. I'm the good guy now. Wait. You work on Christmas Day bully you. Check it out. I'm the good guy now. Wait. You work on Christmas Day, but that's a choice. You're not being forced to do that.

You're being paid to work there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the nature of a job. I don't know. But you can say, I don't know what a job is. You can say no to that. No. No?

I'm rusted in. I could swap with somebody else. Right. Who's swapping on Christmas Day? Exactly. Not with a loser. No. Jesus Christ. What in. I could swap with somebody else. Right. Who's swapping on Christmas Day? Exactly. Not with a loser. No. Jesus Christ.

What about New Year's Eve? Would you ever work New Year's Eve? Yeah, I've worked tons of New Year's Eves. And what's that like? It's not so, well, it's not bad because it's, it is if I'm on the tram. Yeah. Let me tell you. I'm one of those guys on public transport on New Year's Eve.

I'm an instigator. Is it like driving the tram is a little bit like a taxi? Do you ever on there and all of a sudden there's a lady come up to you going, how about I pay you with the hairy Mikey card? Jesus Christ. The hairy Mikey card. Did you think that up the other day and just, you know, craft this episode around that line?

He's got a whiteboard of disgusting tram rides. I thought of it ten years ago. I just hoped I'd meet someone who drove a tram. Just waited for Mikey to kick in. I just want the reference of Harry Mikey. Jesus. It's good, though. No, Carl.

No. So that's a no. Well, I don't have anything to do with that. I don't care if people are buying tickets or not. You don't care. It's not my call. I don't care. So you have no responsibility.

If someone comes on and doesn't swipe on, if someone commits a crime on your tram. I'll call the cops. But you're locked in, aren't you? You've got your own little safe box. I've got a little safe box, yeah. You're in a little panic room up the front there. That's right, yeah.

Making all the calls. You're in your little John Blackman from Hey Hey box. Doing the voiceovers in there. Doing little cartoon caricatures. We don't need to give your tram number out because we don't want people to start stalking Mace. But are you on an old tram, a mid-year? He goes on my...

70 and 75, yeah. He goes past my house. But what style tram is that? Is that the one... That's a B class. They're from the 80s. Oh, I like the B class. Yeah, they're good.

They're solid. Yeah, they're a solid tram. And they're one carriage and two? The A's are one and the B's are two. He goes past my house. He's basically my chauffeur. That's his job. He's not your chauffeur.

He's like my Uber driver, but I'm only paying four bucks to go. Do you message Carl when you're going to be going past his house? No, I can't use my phone on the tram. Can't you? Not allowed. Can't listen to music, can't listen to podcasts. If you do, do you get fired? Yeah, and what happened for a while?

As you should, you're driving a train. You're driving a thing that can't possibly go any other way. You don't want to be distracted. It's weird, but the public are not prepared for that. They're not prepared for a vehicle moving in a straight line. What are those things called? What are the little electric cars on the racetracks called? What are they called again?

Scalextric. There he is. Hey, Tom Ballard. Hey, everyone. Hi. It's Tommy Dazzalo's house, hi everyone it's Tommy Dazzalo's house Tom Ballard there's a fucking stink in here

does it? it's fucking awful what kind of stink? like beer I just spilled heaps of beer on the carpet and no one mentioned it I opened the beer and it fizzed up everywhere

excuse me legitimate celebrity can you fuck off we're talking to a tram driver I work for Yarra Trams Ballard the little dub dub club has got a failed comic and a tram driver can you fuck off? We're talking to a tram driver. I work for Yarra Trams, Ballard. The Little Dub Dub Club has got a failed comic and a tram driver. Can you fuck off? With your going to Aboriginal communities bullshit?

We get it, you're hosting. We get it, you're hosting Q&A. There's no boundless planes to share here, Ballard. Get out. The world keeps happening and you should keep fucking walking, mate. Get a microphone. Come back.

Anyway, trams. Trams. You can't use a phone. Stop the trams, I say. You can't use a phone. Stop the trams, I say. You can't use a phone and some people were fired for that. And so these weird phone vigilantes started appearing on our tram routes. One of our drivers was driving down Burwood Highway and a guy comes up to him like,

hey man, I found this phone on the tram. And it's just like an old Nokia and he's like, can you hold on to this? And then the driver looks back and there's another guy just kind of like giving it a bit of filming yeah a bit of a film look at the nokia yeah like as if to be like you know that yeah exactly yeah and he's like i can't take that because if someone's filming me take you know i can't touch it yeah okay if i just hold just give it to a police station and then they ran one of them rang he, okay, and he rang the bell and they both got off at different doors and, like, it went off together.

Also, there's a sign on the tram that says, don't interrupt the driver. Don't talk to the driver. What are you, they're fucking idiots. Yeah. Thank you, Harley. Yeah, man, I'm back on board. I'm on your side, you idiot bus driver. No, I almost had him.

What sort of licence are you granted with the microphone? Like, could you just give a full, like, a full length for the interior of Melbourne? Can you do a bit of Michael Winslow into it? Yeah, almost, yeah. A bit of, like, hang on, we're just going past a lot of people with machine guns. Duck, everyone.

That's Carl Jodler's impersonation of a machine gun. Will you do yours? That's a good one. That's good. Take some time. You'll get it. I think there's a lot of people get on the trams and they're like, I had this crazy tram driver

and he was singing Christmas carols and he was telling us all the stops and all that sort of stuff. And I think those are the people that have descended into madness. Like they've been there for 20 years and they're like... So how far off that are you? Says the man in the Hawaiian shirt and a beard. Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm probably two or three years away,

but I don't have the confidence in my own skills to just be like telling a little tale of the city and then I crash into a car. Get us in there. Get us in your little booth. Get us on mic and we'll do a podcast. Are we allowed to come in with you? Into the cabin?

There's not room. Is there? No, absolutely not. No, we're playable. Can we sit? I mean, not all three of you. Can we sit in the back, so the cabin that's like facing the other way?

Yes, that's a good point. That's not being used. Can we just sit in there and hang out? In the caboose. Yeah. In the caboose. In the caboose. You're going the caboose. In the caboose. You're going to have to get permission from my supervisor.

Do you have to get permission to break into someone's tram? Yes. It's called consent and free agreement. You can't break into somebody's caboose without asking. What's going to happen is you'd have to put it in writing and you'd have to send it to... Boring. You'd have to send it to the Aerotrans PR department.

They'd have to bring in a supervisor. Losers.com. the Aerotrans PR department they'd have to read it super hard because Danny McGinley wanted to do some hang on, Danny McGinley is about to do something in this story pipe down look, it's not that good, of course but McGinley Denny he is

but he wanted to do like a Fox Sports promo on there and they wanted to charge him like a thousand bucks to just stand in the depot and have me ding a bell and be like, next stop, Fox Sports or whatever. So if he paid that a thousand bucks, how much of a cut of that are you getting? Are you getting any of that? None, zero.

You're getting none of that? Yeah, also Quirk wants to do... David Quirk. Yeah, he wants to do a festival show on a tram. I bet he does. Do you want to see the messages? He should not. Coming from a guy who's probably never swiped on a tram

and paid his way, he shouldn't be doing a full show on that. Come from a bloke that doesn't know how to make a proper sandwich. I would imagine he wants to do a show on a tram. There's a reasonable stretch between those two things. Yeah. Fucking vegans. But I do like, because I've seen tram drivers

like call people out for getting on and not swiping on when they've hurt like they've seen it and they've gone, mate. And I always go, what do you care? Like it's not affecting your paycheck. But you've got two intercoms, right? You've got the one that goes internally to say, hey, stop being a dickhead. But you've got one that goes externally.

Correct, I do. Now, that one excites me. I've been on the other end of that one. I'm pretty sure you've yelled out at me. That's amazing. Hello, Carl, I said. So you can just get on that whenever you want. Never betray me, yes. That's fun.

That one's fun. See, I find weird that you're not allowed to use a phone, but you're allowed to use the external microphone willy-nilly to just fucking yell at people on the street. The priorities are out of whack. I think there should be more of it. We should all have that. It totally should be because when a tram is heading towards someone,

it always embarrasses me on behalf of you, Mace, or your kind. When some major accident is going to happen, it's like ding, ding. The new ones have got the horn. They've got a horn now, yeah. But they're still not very imposing. What's this new, this like digitised bell sound that they have? I hate it. It's the kind of...

I haven't heard that. It's like that. Well, it makes me think... The E class. Yeah. If you've only got the light ding, if you're heading towards a certain accident but you've got the external speaker for your voice,

surely you can go, get the fuck out of the way instead of even hitting ding. That's not going to work either. Why not? If you're not tied into the Melbourne icon that is the ding, you're not going to... Well, that's what I'm saying.

The ding doesn't work. No, it doesn't work. No, the ding doesn't work. It's bullshit. It sounds like something... The bill on a bike. Yeah, or you're reading a children's book and you need to turn the page.

It's so stupid. The number of dings required to get people out of the way has increased. How many dings now? I would say three minimum. How was it in, say, when you were born in 1930? Not even a ding. Is that a new thing that we're now saying? I don't know.

80 years old. Pedestrians would ding us then. You're actually a really handsome man. Thank you. Yeah, you're good. Thanks, Harley. Here's another question. Yes. Because we've got plenty of tram questions. Yes. So the hierarchy.

The hierarchy. Oh, you don't know, every podcast I'm on turns into tram. Yes. Yeah, it does. We should also make a point of saying that Nick Mason's Facebook page, at some point someone decided that it was just going to be the unofficial FAQ for Yarra Trams. And also, a shout out to Capital City's Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney

for being the dumbest cunts ever and getting rid of trams. Did they have trams and get rid of them? Yeah, yeah, all of them. Yeah, they all got rid of them. Sydney's trying to get back a network now. They've got a light rail at the moment. Adelaide's got one. Adelaide's got one.

Do you ever try and seek a transfer to either Adelaide, Bendigo or San Francisco? Absolutely none of those, no. Fuck, imagine they must get that a bit because, no offence, but I imagine most tram drivers are fucking weirdos. Yeah, agreed. No offence taken, Tommy.

This is a breath of fresh air on this side compared to what's happening over this side. No offence, except for all the offence I am striving. No offence. You look like a shit car. The cable car drivers in San Francisco must get a lot of vacationing tram drivers kind of turning up at the window and wanting to talk shop with them.

Really? They don't get that? I reckon they do. No, they don't. I reckon they do. No tram driver is knocking on the door of another tram driver going, I do it in my country. No, I don't think. No, absolutely not.

Do you travel internationally? Yes. Have you been on trams internationally? I've been on the San Francisco tram. Have you ever knocked on the door? Not once. No, of course you haven't. Did you pay for a ticket on the one you went on?

Of course I didn't. I know the rules. Because I remember seeing when Joe Biden was here, they did a thing on the news about How they got his motorcade to the airport And how they like All the traffic lights They made sure that the motorcade had green lights all the way through

And they were talking to the guy who Organises all that And it's that thing where you do this job that you're super into That's very specific That no one else gives a fuck about And for some reason There's half an hour where people actually care. Do you know what I mean? So they're interviewing him about it and he's like, oh, we did this.

And then we pushed this button and you could just tell there was like half an hour on the cutting room floor of him going, let me show you the other areas of the office. And they're like, oh, yeah, we're actually fine. We might just go. And I reckon tram drivers is the same thing. They'd just be stoked to be in another city and be like, oh, look at this.

It's like ours, but this is almost like a B class, but it's got this over here. I don't know. You would reckon that, but you're wrong, because we asked the question before you started. I literally said that. Your sample size is one person. One little fucking child.

That's your sample. I don't care about anything. I wish I was dead. I mean, now. No. You do look very tram driver, though. I think you're a fair... Approximation? Yeah.

Okay. I will say nothing delights me more than the handful of times you've turned up to a social engagement. Yep. Fresh off the tram and you're still in your little uniform. In the little sweater vest, yes. It looks very cute. Thank you.

But, yeah, like, I'd probably look in a cabin and go Oh that's interesting But I wouldn't I get it Start beating your dick While you're sitting on it No Yeah

That's unrelated What about now Where are you sitting As a tram driver What's the weirdest place You've had sex No Where are you sitting

As a tram driver Between the bus driver The train driver And the tram driver What's the hierarchy Train drivers at the top Yes Why They're fucking idiots There's more money

The train's the best out of all of them Train's the number side suicide one That's for sure Yeah, tram's my number one Tram is We've had a few suicide attempts On the tram tracks? Yeah, on the tram tracks

People go all the time in front of trams in Melbourne. All the time. But if I was... Oh, not deliberately, though. No, not at the hands of Mesa. No. If I was looking to off myself using public transport, I'd go the train.

You'd go the train, exactly. Of course you'd go the train. The tram would be the toughest one, surely. Yeah. Because you've got... That's the lowest speed. I mean, in front of a bus, sure. In front of a train, definitely.

Nah, not in the lot, though. Lie down on the tram tracks like fucking Dick Dastardly's kidnapped you or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. If you're in front of a tram on Sekilda Road or on the light rail on the 96 line, that is akin to a train. And you're giving somebody a bit of joy there because they've been a train driver. It's akin to a very shit train. It's akin to a train going fucking 6km an hour.

It's nearly like throwing yourself in front of the horse and cart and you leave it to the street. But also, while we're on this subject, fuck bus drivers. I hate them. Fuck the bus in general. Fuck the bus. The bus needs to go. This is heating up.

This feels good. Here we go. So that's right. This has always been my thought. It's train, tram and then bus. Yeah, because trains push the most number of people. They've got to know the whole... Where's the ferry?

Oh, that's a good question. The ferry doesn't count. Where does the ferry go? Ferries count in Sydney, Perth and Brisbane. They both have huge populations of ferry passengers. I think it's just a different genre. They're all very wealthy. Yeah, we're talking about land.

You can't bring, you know, nautical... You can't bring water in. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a different genre. They're all very wealthy. Yeah, we're talking about land. You can't bring nautical... It's blimp pilot first and then it's... We can't be saying what's the 50 best album of the year and then go, Don Bradman. He's the fucking best. He's the best. Why not? What's wrong with that? I'd be surprised

if there's not an indie band somewhere called Don Bradman. Is everyone here saying trains are best? Yes. Trams are better. Yeah, okay. Stop sucking up. He's right beside me. Look at his flowery toe. So you're saying you're agreeing with me,

it goes trains, trams, buses. Now, are you agreeing with me in terms of notoriety, in terms of respect or pay, or all of them? I'm saying, yeah, I'm saying all of them, yeah. All of them? Yeah. So that's the pay. So can you do a really good job on a tram and get promoted to train driver?

It's a different company, Carl. It is certainly different. Look, if you did a really good job as a tram driver, you could apply to work as a train driver. And if you did a really bad job as a tram driver, they'd demote you to that weird van that drives around the city and sprays all the bins with water. Yeah, you get demoted to that.

Fuck those guys. They suck. That's like saying if you do a good gig, do you get to run a Baker's Delight franchise? You don't get to. That's true. I've looked into it. Yeah, we know that one.

Ronnie Chang has been standing out. Anyway. Vegemite scrolls coming out of his ass. So you wouldn't do bus driving? I probably would not do bus driving I moved schools in year 11 and had to get the bus to my new school And I thought what a fault from grace We've got two different podcasts

Buses are stupid Idiots Idiot bus drivers Let's remember to get Harley Earlier in the morning Pre Christmas party next year. That'd help us. I was on a tram the other day that hit a car. Look, we've all been on trams

mate, alright? I was on one that hit a car and it was that moment where the driver got off and we're all sitting there going what's going to happen here? And he got back on and got on the speaker and was like, we're going to have to stop here because the car's fucked, the woman needs an ambulance. So everyone just shuffles off.

The guy opposite me goes, oh, for fuck's sake, not happy about it. Yeah, yeah. Pissed off. What's the worst thing you've done on a tram? Have you had an accident? Oh, yeah, everybody has, yeah. I've never been in a collision that's been bad enough that anybody couldn't just drive away from it. But I've, yeah.

There was a podcast recently that's quite a big deal here in Australia, but it was out of America that you guys were at and you had them on your podcast. I can't remember the name. Comedy Bang Bang? Yes. They were at the Ath? Yeah.

I saw you there. That's what my show should be called, Comedy Ding Ding. Oh, come on. Well, there was a tram collision out the front of that because I was doing a show upstairs when that was happening and a tram was coming up Collins Street in Melbourne going, ding, ding, got it, ding, and then ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and then finally it just went, couldn't give a fuck,

and then just drove up the tram track and ripped a car door off. What? It was brilliant. How come you don't know about that? I've never heard about this. It was at the Christmas party. Feels like a cover-up. Look, that sounds like a man on his last day, I think.

Yeah, he looked frustrated because he could have stopped and waited. Yeah. But the person was doing the wrong thing. Right, right, right. So he'd given it plenty of dings. He's like, nah, I'm taking the door off. Wow. And all of the audience that you were in that show had just flowed out.

Oh, right. And got to see the spectacle of it. Great. Amazing. What's the tram driver's Christmas party like? I've never been to one. You've never been? I've never...

Why? Do you want me to go get the door? No, I think someone's got it. Oh, sorry. That's all right. There was a door that went... Because they do it on a Sunday Because the trams are always running

So not everybody can make it there They should have it on the restaurant tram Oh That's not on network So every So the 3,000 employees or whatever They just pack them all on Yes

Do it in shifts That sounds really good Yeah There are a couple of second carriages on the back Yeah you're good Absolutely right A caboose Make a restaurant train.

That's a good idea. Yeah, very good. That is a good idea. Yeah. Better than a restaurant bus. No good. Restaurant buses suck. Thank you, Harley.

We're really bonding here. So you've just never been to... No, but it's always like... It's usually at the zoo or the aquarium or Luna Park or something like that. They rent it out for the day. Oh, right. How do you feel with your fellow tram drivers? Is there a bit of camaraderie?

Do you have mates? Yeah, I've got mates. In the tram world? Yeah. Do you have bus mates? I've got no bus mates. No, fuck bus guys. Do you have train guys?

Huh? Do you have train guys? I've got a couple of train guys. Do you have ferry guys? They're like the big guys? They're like the big dudes that you'd bounce around when you're at the zoo. Oh, yeah. Hey, man.

Hey, buddy. Hey, what did you do today? Oh, you went through Glendale Street. Oh, mate. If you're at a party and there's a train driver there, do you just have to, are you required to just present yourself to him? Yeah, I have to defer to him in all matters. Yes, exactly.

Excellent. Have you got a certain amount of freedom where if you're going down your tram route and then you go, I've got a feeling everyone wants to go left, not right. Have you got the freedom to sort right. Get the stick out. Fucking turn the track around. Have you got the freedom to sort of, a little bit of liberty there? You can just sort of go with the flow a little bit. No, Carl.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Do you know plane guys? You know those buses with wings? Oh, yeah. Do you ever meet the plane guys? I've never met a plane guy. Do you ever? Yes. The plane guy. I've never met a plane guy. Plane guy.

Oh, man. Are you still doing the, you know, like making the track turn? Are you still getting out with the pole and doing that? They still do that. They haven't worked out a better way to do that? No, it's normally automated, but if the system, if the transponder fails, you've got to do it manually. Yeah, sometimes.

You get out and you get this pole. It's a steel. The points bar. Yep. Get it right, Harley. You put it in the points bar and you move it to the side. You put your dick in the hole. Thank you.

You don't rotate yourself around 90 degrees. Every time I see that, Mace, I think that's the manliest man ever. He just moved tracks. Yeah, that's right. I know it looks easy, right? You know how you're hooked up to the wire at all times? Yes, Carl. Do you ever pretend that you're just running a big flying fox?

I mean, only downhill, obviously. Uphill would be insane. But there's a yes, though. Yeah, definitely, yeah. What's the fucking sand button about? I know the answer to that. Finally. I know the answer to that.

Harley will feel this one. Explain what the sand button is. Explain. It's all there. On the dashboard of a tram, there's a big button that says sand underneath it. It's right next to the big button that says nut. So, but no, but explain to everyone because not everyone... Worst dum-dum ever.

To be fair, you say that every time you're on here and it's mostly because of you. No, I quite often rate quite highly. No one mentions my name though. So, why do you need sand? We don't need sand if you're any good. Take the button off. Huh? Take the button off. Well, it's like an emergency braking system. So you've got

regular brakes. Aren't you worried about driving a fucking thing that weighs thousands of kilos where your fucking plan to stop is sand? Isn't that bad? Yes. It's pretty common. That's why... Do you drive a car that has sand in it? Well, I'll stop you there. First mistake.

If you drive down say Cunningham's Gap in the Great Dividing Range... Oh yeah. Let's say you do that. Shout out to our listeners from that region. It's Queensland. It's just out of Brisbane. If you're doing that a bit, Sinclair Brain, your favourite listener, my little brother, who is a bit weird. He's a bit of a pest, to be honest with you.

I love him. He's a big time pest. He loves you. He fucking loves you guys and also loves to troll you. Anyway, if you're driving down Cunningham's Gap, on the way down any mountain pass in Australia, what do they have as an emergency stopping bay, Mace? Is it sand?

Yes, sand. It's a big sand bay. I would never pick that. So sand is there for if it's a big wet day or there's been an oil spill on the tram tracks and they can't stop with metal on metal. It's a metal track with a metal wheel and so they release the sand and that creates grit.

Look, I don't know how everything works, but he's my idea. Obviously, you just proposed to your girlfriend, you idiot. He's my idea instead. How about going with a brake? It doesn't work with metal on metal. Before you get to the sand, there's like three other brakes. What are they made of? Metal. You know, like brakes.

Why don't you just go with a fourth metal brake then? They would have had, you would have had, back in the day you would have had, what's it fucking called now that we can't use anymore? Asbestos. Yeah, thank you. Asbestos brakes. Asbestos brakes, they would have rubber brakes. You would have rubber.

Uh-huh. And now you would have Teflon as well. There would be Teflon involved in your brakes. I would imagine so. But when there's oil and water involved on a metal track, you have to release sand so you create grit and stop. I think someone is trying to become a tram driver. I would love to be a tram driver.

We'll get you in there, mate. We'll get you back on the road. It'll be great. Start on the buses and make your way up. Like a make-a-wish thing where I can just come in and just hang out. I'd love that. What don't you do... Why isn't there a McHappy day where you can go...

There is. Yeah, but for trams. For trams. Where trams walk into McDonald's and they get cheap sand. Yeah, for the drive-thru. You get on the tram and there's like a minor celebrity driving it. Yeah. You can have a go

You can get up there And have a go That'd be pretty cool I think that's a good idea Yeah A lot of people would die But I I like your

Innovation there Yeah but it'd be evened out By the lives that were saved By the McAfee Day That's totally true Yeah as long as We'll do a trial run We'll see what happens

On the day There should be like A tram fantasy camp Like you know those things You go to when you're a kid Where it's like A playground There should be a playground With an old tram in it And you're on a bike And it teaches you the road rules It's like a tram fantasy camp. Like, you know those things you go to when you're a kid where it's like a little... A playground.

There should be a playground with an old tram in it. And you're on a bike and it teaches you the road rules. It's like a little mini scale. There should be one of them for trams. Yeah, a little tram. Where the rest of us can get on and have a crack. First time you went to the beach, did you go, fuck, there's been a lot of trams pulling the brakes around here.

What's going on here? Been a big oil spill here. Been pulling on the brakes. Yeah, or does the beach annoy you because it just reminds you of work? Absolutely. You can never switch off. Do you ever pick up a big handful of sand and just, I'll bring this back to work later?

You know, I can't turn off. I'll bring this back. Look, the sand at home. Oh, the bosses are going to love this. I'm going to save them so much. Like the rebate. You stick it in and you pour it into the tram. There'll be crabs in there and seashells and shit.

Oh, it all helps. Like the rebate that you get for cans in Adelaide. Yes, yeah. You get a little extra added on your paycheck at the end if you bring in

your own sand. Yeah. You, before you were a tram driver, I'm fascinated by this. You were, is this correct, you were a dentist assistant?

Yes, I was a dental technician, yeah. Yeah, so what's the leap between doing that? He got sacked for pouring sand down people's throats. That's exactly right, yeah.

Yeah. Ooh, bit oily in there. St's exactly right, yeah. Yeah. Oh, bit oily in there. Stem the bleeding, please, Assistant Mace. Take your fucking sand bucket out of the fucking... There he is. Yeah, so what

was it about the dental thing that made you, you know... Why'd you get sick of that? Well, you're just kind of, you're just in one little office like all day. There's no, you know, there's... A lot of diversity though. A lot of teeth. Yeah. A lot of teeth.

There's a lot of blood. Maybe that's the issue. But you're now... Like if you're taking in somebody's entire jaw off and it's kind of like... Did you do that? Not personally. Did you take someone's jaw off? But I was there and I'm like, ooh. Have you done that with a tramp? I get lectured by my dental technician. Why's that?

She lectured me about my dental hygiene. I'm like, mate, you didn't even finish uni. Your teeth seem fine. You're sucking saliva out of my mouth. To be fair, it is her job. No, it's not. She just needs to suck saliva out of my mouth. The dentist's job is to tell me what to do with my teeth.

Her job is to make sure I don't gag on my own spit. Fucking shut up. Was that your job most? Yes. There was more to it than that. Is that pretty much it? There is a suction in there, yeah. Were you the guy working the little hose?

Yeah. He's the guy working the hose. Yeah, nice. I bet he worked his little hose. I bet he did. There's no context for that, but I love it anyway. I only found out recently that you're meant to brush your gums. Like you're meant to get right up in there and brush the gums.

Oh, man. I found that out recently at 30. Sorry, wait a minute. Did your mum pay for you to go to Japan? Like, holy shit. You just found out at 30? What's the link here? The link here is that you've been, that's ridiculous.

You're a big baby man, Tommy. Of course you brush your gums. I just never knew that. Did you know that? Yes. Did you know that? I also knew that, yes. Oh, you're a technician. Yeah, you should fucking know that. If you said no, I. Of course you brush your gums. I just never knew that. Did you know that? Yes. Did you know that? I also knew that, yes. Oh, you're a technician.

Yeah, you should fucking know that. If you said no, I can see why you got into 20. But hey, if you found out 10 years ago, that's fair enough because you found out at the same age as me. Yeah, I'll go back through my records. Dear diary, guess what I learned today? I'm sorry I was harsh. But it's a dumb thing.

But it is bad when you find out a thing that you're meant to have been doing your whole life. You're like, oh my God, what's going on in there? My dad at 60... What about brushing your tongue? That's a made-up one, I feel. No, you have to brush your tongue. No.

No, you do. How can you be a dental... Well, I guess you're not a tongue assistant. Yeah, I'm not... Exactly, yeah. You only worry about the teeth. And look, dental technology has moved on since I've become a tram driver, so I don't know what they're doing now.

What's come into it since then? Brushing your tongue. Oh, is that a... It's not a thing. That's only a recent thing, isn't it? Yeah. No, you just brush your tongue because it gets manky. Yeah.

And you want to kiss a girl. Oh, you wouldn't know. What about this? I was out the other day at a bar with a couple of mates, a wine bar that has a menu, has food in it, and I was with a friend who knew a guy who worked there, the guy who was our waiter. And the waiter kept, like, we were ordering food,

but then he would kind of come over intermittently and sort of go, hey, guys, I'll tell you what, like to his, you know, the guy we were with who was his mate, would come over and go, oh, we got this thing. You guys have to try it. I'll bring it out. I'll bring it out. You've got to try it.

So he kind of did this a bunch of times, like kept bringing stuff out for us to sample. We get to the end of the night and it's all on the bill. What do you think of that? What do you think of that? That's not okay. It's not cool, is it? No, it's not okay.

Non-consensual. And what do you say? Because you did eat it. You ate it. You had it. So you can't sort of go, oh, we didn't want that. I've copped that before as well. That's horrendous.

It's tough. Did it look like, did they give, was it like a, like if you ordered a Palmer to be a full plate of a Palmer and chips and what have you, was it like that? I've copped that before as well. It's tough. That's horrendous. It's tough. Did it look like, did they give, was it like a, like if you ordered a palmer to be a full plate of a palmer and chips and what have you, was it like that? Was it a tiny little sample kind of plate? It's a place that sort of it's just more sharing plates. Go on, try this one. Try this. Have a go. Yeah, it's a tough one.

It's a tough one. I've copped that before once when I lived with my mates in London for a little while. We went to an Indian place and, you know, we got no money. This is like our big treat for the week. We go to this Indian place and they brought out the papadums, you know, what you're used to over here, free. And they're like, oh, we'll just bring out the papadums.

I was like, cool. And then we didn't ask for them. They just put them there. And then at the end, they charged us for them. Oh, wow. And they were, you know, you don't pay for them here. Yeah. You don't pay for papadums.

Yeah. And then not only that, but this was 10, 12 years ago. They were five pounds which meant back then they were like 15 bucks. 15 bucks. Yeah. Wow.

That's huge. You could buy three pints for that. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Well that's what I thought because you know what back then

I was talking about this the other way. You know when you go to a different country and you figure out what's dear and what's cheap for those countries. Yeah.

And I remember the only two things that were cheap over there were beer and chocolate. And everything else was way off the scale. Wow. Papadums are just... I ate a lot of chocolate and drank a lot of beer when I was there, by the way.

There's an Indian place near me. They do free rice. I love it. Oh, that's great. Free rice. It should be included. Because it's so cheap, you know, go for it. Yeah.

And you're not getting anything off the menu without, you're just building into the price. You're not getting a curry with that price. Plenty of people have tried to make this happen, but anyone charging for tomato sauce, kill yourself. Yeah. Honestly, fuck off. Actually do it.

Actually do it. Tomato sauce is free. If you run a place and you're charging for tomato sauce, we're going to have to insist that right now, go out and commit suicide right now. Seriously, it's bullshit. Wow. No more.

In what context? Like in terms of like a full meal, in terms of just at the fish and chip shop? Anywhere. Anywhere. Fish and chips, pies, most importantly pies, sausage rolls. Dip and sauce is on the most fluctuating scale. There is no consistency. I paid a dollar for

tomato sauce the other day in a small little container. It's like, are you for real? I mean, the thing of aioli, I'm happy, I'll pay a dollar for that. I'll pay a dollar for aioli. That's a boutique dip. And also, I think it's an introduced species here. Yes. Where for all of our lives

you're used to tomato sauce being free. It's like sand at the beach. It's like cane toads. To try and speak to you, mate. It's the cane toad of condiment. It's an introduced species. Remember seven years ago where if you went into a cafe and asked for aioli, odds are they'd just look at you like,

what the fuck are you talking about? And now it's like if someone doesn't have it, it's like, this is a shithole. Aioli's number one for me. Yeah, I love it. Aioli's great. How about this real question? So you've brought this up.

Here's a genuine query as we're talking about the rules of the road. Mr Mace, you're well aware of all of these, or you should be. I really hope that I know the answer to this. My job's on the line. Yes, I am. This mic is definitely going into a tram as we speak. I know. We'll find out.

I've talked about, not semi-recently, I had a bit of trouble. I got done for talking on the phone in my car. Yes, twice. I got fined a lot of money. What sort of money are we talking about? 400 and something?

Yeah. Are you for real? That's a lot of money. And four points, right? Four points off the license. That's heaps. That's taking the piss. So I started a thing, this is a few months ago,

I started a thing where I was like, I'm going to earn this money back. I'm going to cut corners. You know, if I had to pay for sauce, no. Yeah, yeah, save it up. There's a dollar right down my little... I was thinking about this the other day. I've been meaning to ask you for an update on where you've gotten to. I did save quite a bit.

He proposed without a ring. So now he's in credit driving down the street on the phone la la la yeah yeah yeah yelling at the cops check this out cunt

so anyway I learnt my lesson slash I did it again oh no he's done it again he's done it again

have you yeah so I got caught oh no is this twice or three times now this is twice okay Okay, right. So this happened a couple of months ago. I've been sitting on it for a while because I've been going, you know what? I'm going to try this. I'm going to try the old

ignore it and it'll go away. That hasn't worked. You've got to change your behaviour. I got caught once. You know what I did? I changed my behaviour. I just didn't get caught again. I was going to say. I was like, I'm going to stop getting caught. And it's worked. I haven't been caught since. Fuck, why didn't I think of that?

Shit. Now, did you get caught in the exact same way? No. Okay. The exact same spot, same cop, on the phone to the same person. Yeah, on the phone to the cop saying, check this out. Guys, I'm doing a thing. Just wondering, is it illegal to talk on the phone while you're in the car?

Yes? Oh, no. My number plate is tossed in. If it helps, I'm talking and taking a picture of myself with the phone, so you've got evidence. That's great. Are you doing it up to the ear? Are you doing it on the speaker?

What are you doing? No, I'm on speaker in my hand like that. And they're getting you there. That's tough. Yeah. That's so good now. The cop giving you a fine and him getting the joy of writing down your licence plate. Got him.

No, I didn't have got him. Right, right. Because this is a couple of months ago. Well, I imagine the cops will leave you alone once you have that great novelty plate on the car. I can't see that attracting any extra attention. BMW with that number plate won't raise any green flags. It's going to be good. It's all going to change.

What's this? There's eight McDonald's bags on the back seat as well. Come on through, my good man. So this is what has happened, right? This is how it got done this time. I wasn't talking on the phone. I was at a traffic light. I was just near my house and I was just checking internet, something to do. Oh, I know where this is going. Do you? Yeah. I was just near my house and I had I was just checking internet

something to do oh I know where this is going do you? yeah okay you finished the story were there cars around you? there was a lot of jeopardy

there were cars around me motorcycle cop yes yes he did know where it was going yeah yeah you're not an idiot bus driver

because you look around and you're like oh there's everybody's dealing with their own stuff there's nobody behind me kind of thing and you're like I'm in the clear and you're not an idiot bus driver. Because you look around and you're like, oh, everybody's dealing with their own stuff. There's nobody behind me kind of thing. And you're like, I'm in the clear. And you're like, now's my chance. And then they just...

And I'm stuck at traffic lights. I thought I could get away with this. I'll just check a few things, check my email, whatever. Anyway, what happened was I was in the right turning lane. So I'm turning right. So we're waiting. Then you get your orange. So I'm waiting behind someone turning right, so we're waiting, then you get your orange, so I'm waiting behind someone turning right, so they're waiting for the other traffic to come past the other way,

so that clears, then we both turn right on orange, then the sirens go on, the motorbike cop comes up, goes through me, goes, right, talking on your phone, or being on your phone, and went through a red light, and I'm like, what? Nah, you were in the intersection you were in the intersection yeah yeah no

no I was I was behind I was in the but you were over the white light no I wasn't over the white light oh nah you went through a red light the cop knew

the cop knew what he was doing okay well this is what I'm asking how can you physically get fined for going through a red light when the light is not fucking red it is not a red light it is an orange not fucking red. It is not a red light.

It is an orange light. No, when did you cross, when did your wheels cross the white line? When it was orange. You sure about that? Yes, positive. Yeah, that's okay. That's fine. Well, how did I get, I said, man, it wasn't red, it was orange.

Well, you can just dispute it because you've got a flawless driving record prior to this. So just go in and be like, it's my first time. You should ask for evidence. It's not like I've done this before. Ask for evidence of you crossing the white line during a red light. However, you've previously been a dumb cunt and it's going to be hard for you to get off.

It's easier for you to pay the fine. But I just want to know physically how you can do that where it's like, because he was like, no, no, no, that's right. And I'm like, what? But if you go through an orange light, that's not red. That's just simple colours. So wait, this happened a couple of months ago? Yes.

Yeah, so they're trying to fund their Christmas party. It's true. It's a real thing. I do that all the time. I sit in the intersection on an orange. Frequently I'm turning right when it's already red. I'm just admitting it in public. Come and get me, cops. I do it all the fucking time I went through a

red light this morning on the way to work I was going to work at uh 4 30 a.m and the the light went red and I'm like I'm not waiting that's ridiculous yeah I went through it yeah I fucking killed a guy once yeah I just fucking straight up murdered a guy yeah there was a tram driver that was at work I robbed his his house. I sell drugs. I've done that too, Carl, because I've got all their rosters. So I know everyone's at work. I agreed to be a part of a podcast with a tram driver. Just so he could bury him.

So this is my question. Last time when all that happened, right? Last time when all that happened, I put myself at the mercy of the listeners and I sort of went, look, I'm going to do this. Yeah, they love you, Carl. People started sending me money and stuff. People started, and I didn't ask for it, but people started chipping into my fund of... You did read your bank details out on the

podcast, which I thought was a bit gauche. No, no, but this beautiful... It's like a dumb cunt clusterfuck. This beautiful new technology, as soon as I've got my phone numbers out there, everyone's got my phone number, you can physically send me money, of which people have been doing a lot lately, which has been lately. That's great. That's nice.

Yeah. Fuck, maybe I'll read mine out. Go for it. I'll read it out if you like. So, what I want now, though, is not for people to chuck me money at all. I want legal advice. I know there's people... Blow up the cop shop.

I know. Oh, wait. I've got a guy that's going to help you. A lawyer. Yeah, but I want listeners that... He's on a break from The Daily Show. We can get him out of here. Let's raise money for his plane ticket.

He can't help you. He's an idiot. Lawyers that actually can help you are not listening to your podcast. I'm sorry to ruin it. I don't know. No, but I know that policemen listen to this. I know. Yeah, it's part of their job because they'll catch us doing something.

Everything I've said is not real. No, but I know there are police people, there are people in the legal fraternity that listen to this. So I want some advice. Please hit me up. What I've done is, like I said, turn right. But it's a turn right on orange. Can you get me?

Can you do me on a... I'm going through a red light. But you were on your phone as well. So it was packaged in as part of that. And they will say you weren't paying attention. Yeah. So maybe they'll be like, you don't know. You think you do, but you're on your phone, so you're not reliable.

Both of which, he's a motorcycle cop, yeah? Yeah. It's him against you. You have just admitted to a lot. Yeah. And he's got a gun too. He has a gun. He can't bring the gun into court.

Well. Is he aiming it at me or. He has a gun. He can't bring the gun into court. Well. Is he aiming it at me or the judge? If he can, you can. Oh yeah, can I? I can get you a gun. Okay, alright. So. This is an escalating arms race now. This is great. But all the lawyers that I've currently asked for advice, ignore the gun bit.

So give us the figure. What's your fine? How much is it? Well, this is what I've done I've paid I've gone in good conscience and I've I've played my waiting game of going you know what

if I just let this go if I just sit here and do nothing surely it'll fix it but mate you've clearly got a lot of money it took you 10 years to propose so you

yeah are minted yeah I took all the you're set up for it all the nothing you're 52. Yes. There's all bad things happening to me for some reason.

Every two months he got his two months wages to buy the ring and he's just like, no, just put it in the bank. Not this quarter. This is my talking on the phone in the car money. What if I did that crowdfunded? I want to talk into my phone in my car all day. Can everyone chip in five bucks just so I can do it all day?

So I can do it deliberately all day. Yeah, that's fair. I'd pitch in for that. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yes, I didn't pay it and then I've got the new lots of fines come in and it's all gone up 100, 150 bucks each. So I've paid the being on the phone one because I'm like, yep, did it.

I'll pay that one. So is the phone one another 400? Yeah. Is that how much it is? To be honest with you, I love you, Carl. You're one of my close mates. I think you're great. And?

No, fuck you for being on the phone. I'm surprised it's only 400. It should be $1,000. Get off your fucking phones. Get off them. The roads have gone insane. That number's meant to inspire you to never do it again. It should be $1,000.

If you're on your phone, get off your phone. But the going through, turning right thing. Just so everyone knows, just when you go to a live podcast, you are putting money into my wallet to talk on the phone in a car. Pretty much, yeah. Stop doing it. Don't do it. When you go to a live podcast, you are putting money into my wallet to talk on the phone in a car. Pretty much, yeah. Stop doing it. Don't do it. But the turning right thing, and I take you at your word.

Yes. You're an honest man. And how much is that one? Same. 400 bucks. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah.

And how many points? Three. You've lost your license then. Nah. Jesus Christ. This wedding's going to be having a fucking... You've got one point left. Yes. Nah. The turning right thing is horse shit. No one was in danger. Nah. Jesus Christ. So you've got one point left. You've got one point left. Yes.

Nah, the turning right thing is horse shit. No one was in danger because everybody else coming the other way were in waiting mode anyway. Yes. Nah, that's fucked.

It's through an orange. It wasn't through an orange. Fight that one. Yes. But the phone one, stop it. Yes, I've paid the fine. I've paid the fine.

Keep getting these fines. This wedding's going to be happening at fucking Pizza Hut. It was always happening at Pizza Hut. Yeah, what am I saying? Pizza Hut's fucking expensive. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why I died. So what's your plan of attack? What do you want to happen? You want advice from someone to get you up? Look, I'm putting it out there and by the time this comes out there, I think the fine is due again. Like I've got a final notice for this fine that's like, if you don't pay this, you go to jail.

Right. You're not going to jail. No, it's something like that. It's a bad thing. They're allowed to come and get me, I think, and shoot me. The sheriff turns up. Yeah. The sheriff up there.

But if there are any listeners out there that were following Carl on that day and they do have some evidence that could put him in jail. Yes. That would be a good pass out. No, not the last bit. Great for content. Yeah, right? Mace, you're here.

Let me ask you this. What were you doing? I was actually crossing the road that was on your tram line. Oh. It was on Riversdale Road. Oh, so it's your fault. Yeah. You may have been there.

Yeah. I was behind you. Just move, move, move. Ding, ding, ding. Hey, I can see Carl. Better try calling. Can you remember what you were doing on the phone? No.

Okay. No. Something shit. Yeah. I better try calling Can you remember what you were doing on the phone? No Okay No Something shit Yeah No something worth $400 I'm sure Yeah Yeah so I And there was another car with me That we both went through the orange

It's like That's just a thing Like the officer came up I'm like But that's what you do And he got And he went off scot-free The other guy

Yeah Because I was the one behind him. He wasn't going to... He's got to get the slower guy. The cop had double revenue to get you. He had a little Christmas bonus. Exactly. He was waiting to already do me for the...

Fuck the police, by the way. Well, I cannot wait to see the kind of advice that comes through from the listeners of this show. Through the haystack of idiots that will yell things at me, there will be some legitimate people that will have something for me. I don't know how car fines work. Do you not think this is a thing where apparently with tram fines, your little mate,

for not having a ticket, apparently if you contest it, as long as you just turn up to the court date, you're going to get off. Because they don't give a fuck. They just want to move it through. Someone told me some statistic of the only people that ever end up having to pay the fine if they contest it are the people who don't show up to the court date.

Well, the actual – the truth here too with trams and public transport is you haven't signed a legal document to enter into a contract with the service provider. So the truth of the matter is you're walking on a tram. Check out Aaron Brockovich over there. I know, right? No, no, no. You're walking on a tram or a train or a bus.

You're walking on that tram. No, I'm not getting on a fucking bus. No one has ever said you're agreeing to a contract. It's just an unspoken thing. Well, Mace has probably signed a contract to get on the tram, so there's one for him. Well, he has. And he has to stay on it forever.

It's a curse so you can you're like the genie in Aladdin that's right I have to find someone else to take my place but I've never

I've never tested that theory but that's the basic that's the law is you haven't signed a contract there's no there's been no

exactly I didn't sign a contract to not talk on the phone in my car this feels like a conversation no you did because you got a licence oh okay you on the phone In my car This feels like a conversation No you did Because you got a licence Oh okay

You got a licence Whereas it This feels like a conversation That you have at a house party At 4am I've probably had that Someone smoking a bomb To be fair

Harley's in the state Of most people at 4am Isn't this a house party At 4am I'm pretty fucking drunk I'm just happy You're driving me home tonight But I reckon

If you just contest it If you just kick up Enough of a stink Surely it's one of those things Where if you're driving me home tonight. But I reckon if you just contested, if you just kick up enough of a stink, surely it's one of those things where if you're enough of a pain in the ass, they'll just go, oh, it's easier to just get fucking rid of this guy so we don't have to deal with him anymore. I was told that, that you turn up in a nice suit. Someone that gave me a bit of advice was they looked at what I was wearing and went, if you can not wear that and go to court, that'll really help your cause.

And also not one that you're tailor-made in Thailand for $4. Yes. Yes. Go rent one. It's good content. Do a live podcast. From the courthouse. From the courthouse.

Why not? Why not? Seriously, do it. Do it. Well, yeah, fair enough. Fleety will probably already be there, so there's one guest. A live podcast from the courthouse where we can't take recording equipment in, so it's the world's first podcast that's ever been recorded

by a courtroom sketch artist. Fuck yes. We just put that out. And just animated. That just put that out. Just animate it. That would be fucking great. The courtroom sketch artist having a crack at Chandler up on the stand. It's happening. In an ill-fitting suit.

Hey, my suit fits fine. Okay, well we gotta get some advice. We gotta see what people reckon. Please, please hit me up. I know there's coppers that listen to this. I know because they've abused me. But they're not gonna turn on one of their own. Oh, please. Please hit me up. I know there's coppers that listen to this. I know because they've abused me. But they're not going to turn on one of their own. You don't want advice from the coppers.

Anonymously, they're going to give me a bit of advice. They're going to give me the... The other thing though, wait though, by the way, I had that idea that all cops like all cops because they're cops. Exactly. Nah, they're shit fucking loser cops and they're usually on bikes on their own. So those cops that can occupy a car with other cops

you call in call in are we on commercial radio but at the same time you listen to this podcast this guy's over here he's just flaunting his disregard

for everything you stand for no not at all it's like Mace doesn't like all of his tram idiot bus drivers cops are just real people

yeah you don't love every comic do you yes I do well every You don't love every comic, do you? Yes, I do. Well, every comic doesn't love you. Yeah, sorry, mate. So police are allowed to have their own mind. They've got their own mind.

I think there's cops out there who can help you. Yes. Even if it is Dirty Harry style and just shoot them in the alleyway. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. I want some vigilante cops on my side. Yeah, let's get it happening.

I'm on board with this. You know what Einstein said? Unthinking respect for authority is the enemy of truth. Let's get this on. Let's kill some cops. Wait. Stop recording. Stop recording.

All right. Well, I guess that brings us to the end of the little Dum Dum Club for another week. We've got to follow this thread through. We've got to see what happens. My money is on keeps the licence. You're going to have to pay all that money. Yeah.

I think that's probably the point. I'm always going to keep the licence. So I want those points and I want to not pay this fine. No, you're paying that. My money is on you and me, Thelma and Louise style, running from the law. Please. Driving off a cliff. Exactly.

My money is on relationship breakdown. Oh, yeah. I didn't even think about that, yeah. You driving trams forever. Yep. Yes. Cancer coming back. Fuck.

Jesus Christ. Parts of this podcast didn't feel too dissimilar to my time in the Ward 6 East. Oh, God. Coming back. The cancer coming back, unlike your car, fuck it. I will lose four cars before that. I might make a wish that I die. Fuck, imagine that.

So you're trying to get cancer. You're like microwaving stuff with the door open so that you can get to make a wish and your wish is to not pay this fine. Yeah, yeah. Nick Mason, Harley Breen, thank you so much for joining us. It's been a pleasure

and exactly how I thought it would go. Thanks, Mace. So thanks, inverted commas, to Harley. Mace, so you've got the Weekly Planet podcast. Oh, yeah, it's a podcast on iTunes. It's about all your superhero movies, all your nerd stuff. So check that out, maybe.

Yeah, I can't imagine the centre of the Venn diagram of people that are into podcasts and nerd stuff is too big, but knock yourselves out. Go and listen to the Daily Bugle. It'll be good. That's the wrong name for it, Carl. You know it's the wrong name. Go visit Mason when he's working for the Daily Bugle.

This is the final straw, Carl. I was having a really good time until just then. Harley, what have you got? You're not doing the festivals next year? Nothing. Nothing. I'm going to baby it in the mid of February and you're promoing that

like someone's going to buy it sure whatever makes me money no I'm happy to be here thanks for having me we've got Brisbane and probably Adelaide on sale at this point

season passes and individual shows for the Melbourne Comedy Festival our live shows at that come check those out guys thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. Idiot. I've listened. I know how it goes.