The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 329 - Claire Hooper & Nick Capper

Episode Date: January 25, 2017

Dating Apps, Nigella Lawson & One Thousand Dollars.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club and here's a word from our sponsors, us. Nice. What have we got going on, Tommy? What have we got going on? Not to boast, but we're going to Adelaide to do a show that is currently about one third full. Get on it, guys. Buy some tickets, littledumbdumbclub.com. No, this is not a repeat. This is happening again. Yeah, imagine if you jumped around pretty randomly to all the episodes. It must just sound like, man, these guys have been hyping this Adelaide gig up for years.

If you made a compilation, how many hours would our episode go where it's just us begging people to go to Adelaide? Fuck, that's not a bad idea for someone to make a super cut of. I'd like to hear it. I disagree. I think it is a bad idea. What, going to Adelaide? Yeah. For us going to Adelaide. So that is Saturday,

March the 4th at the Rhino Room in Adelaide during the Adelaide Fringe. Heaps of guests around. Big double episodes. So two live ones back to back. And you know what? Come along because you never know which one's going to be our last.

Which episode we actually get broken by you guys, Adelaide. Yeah, we've been threatening for a long time. We've done many kind of farewell and then reunion tours. But yeah, this is going to be great. I'm really looking forward to this. So littledumbdumbclub.com for all those tickets. It is great guest time, those two episodes. We have a lot, a lot, a lot of great guests around.

Then two weeks time, no need to plug this. Brisbane, all sold out. Two shows, back to back, both of them sold out. The opposite of the sister city of Adelaide. Brisbane, you get it. You guys get it. You fucking did it. Yeah.

It's amazing. So, look, people are, you know, two months out, we sold out, and we're sort of saying, fuck, should we put on another show? We sort of can't. We physically can't do it. It's a shame, but yeah, we can. Yeah, it's a big shame. So the people who, man, the people who thought realistically

they didn't need to buy tickets two months out, they, yeah, sorry. Egg on your face. Yeah. Genuinely sorry. Who knew it was going to happen? But it has happened. Brisbane, you know what?

I should say this. It is, have we talked about this? Who our favourite cities are and whatever. Brisbane, I think I've said this before. Brisbane's got to be number one for us. On the rankings, obviously Adelaide's last. Brisbane's first. Brisbane.

Yeah. Fucking done it again. What's second? No, Melbourne maybe. I guess Melbourne. Okay. You'd hope so. Yeah.

Wait, so Brisbane is better for you than where you live? No, but for us, like for this show, per capita, per all that stuff, Brisbane go crazy. Yeah, Brisbane do go crazy. Melbourne go crazy. I know, Melbourne do go crazy. Melbourne go crazy. Melbourne's bigger and plus when we go to Brisbane, it's nice to travel and go to a solo show.

There's all like little different things and whatever. Oh, mate. We notice a lot of differences between our hometown and Brisbane when we walk around, don't we? It's crazy. A lot of my stand-up's about that. Yeah. It's not.

That's awesome. Yeah. Okay, so that, yeah, no need to mention that at all, let alone talk about it for five minutes, because it's all sold out. Yeah. Hey, remember to come. Remember to turn up. Then Melbourne, we've got four live podcasts every Sunday during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival with huge

guests. We've also got our solo shows happening back-to-back at the European Beer Cafe, and we've just put on sale what is it? April the 14th. The Roast of Dilruk Jai Singer. It's a late night gig. It's a late night roast. You know it's going to get crazy. It's not

going to go out as an episode. So come and see it before it no longer exists. But yeah, Melbourne, hey, heaps of stuff. Get onto the website and find out exactly when our solo shows are on. And once again, they are back to back this year. So it makes it really easy for you guys to come and see my show first, Carl Chandler, world's best comedian in the world,

and then Tommy Daslow, dinner for two. Yeah. Back to back. I mean, that roast of Dilrub J Singer is going to be fun because that Dilrub guy, I mean, what a piece of shit. Yeah, exactly. What an absolute awful human being. Oh, man.

So you can see on that night, you can actually see all the shows in a row, which would be sweet. Yeah, exactly. What an absolute awful human being. Oh man, so you can see, on that night, you can actually see all the shows in a row, which would be sweet. So, Melbourne, so much going on in that one month. So, collect it all. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all its tickets. Especially for you travellers, like, there's always heaps of people that come down, particularly in the last week or so,

so they can try and get into the drunk castle, that sort of stuff. So, go and see what's on. Go and see all your favourite friends of the show first. Yes. Not first, just at some stage. At some point. See us first. See us first.

Totally. I don't think we benefit from comparison later on in the process. Yeah, fair enough. We've also got the Patreon. Thank you to everyone who continues to chip in and keep supporting the show. It's a little way for you to throw in a little bit of money each month if you enjoy what you get here for free.

And you get little bonus rewards if you chip in $10 or more. You get a bonus episode each month. $5 or more, you get a bonus little newsletter magazine thing that we do up that is always – looks really cool. And for $2 or more, you get your name read out at the start of the show as a bit of a thank you slash get fucked. Yeah, and some people have asked me what is the best way to contribute to the show. I guess patrons

some people say they grabbed a t-shirt or whatever. They're actively trying to give us money. Yeah. I guess patrons the cleanest way of doing it. Yes. So the cleanest way ethically to do it. Yeah. But hey if you want a t-shirt the best way to do that is by buying a t-shirt. So you know

there's all of that happening. So, hey, and like I said, let's do the reward time. Let's do a few names. But we've got a little special guest for the Patreon. Oh, do we? I didn't know this was happening. Oh, really? You didn't know?

No. You didn't literally notice the elephant in the room. All right. Oh, save it. Should some balloons come down from the ceiling for the hundredth time we've made that specific joke? Yeah. No, I think I've done it a couple of times.

Hello, friends. Joining us for the Patreon raid, Dilrub J. Singer. Hello, hello. Happy New Year, Carl and Tommy. Thank you. It's a bit rare to have you in the studio as well. I know. I miss studio episodes.

I do like the live ones are fun, but I, you know, I wish I fit in the studio more. That's offensive. We should book you for a studio episode. Oh, who do I speak to? We'll put in a word. I imagine there'll be a name in here that you can speak to in this Patreon read. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's get a good little pairing with you and do a studio up with you. Me and the Colonel. Oh, that'd be amazing. Xavier Micheletti and the Colonel. Oh, that would be amazing. Xavier Micheletti says the Colonel. Wow. That's good. Nice.

An entire app. Oh, man. People would hate that. If I know one thing about the Dumb Dumb Listless is I hate something different. Hey, by the way, again, we usually end up having these little meetings about what we should do on the show in this ad at the start of the show. Yeah. There's a certain crazy Englishman coming back for the comedy festivals.

Oh, yeah. What do you think? What do you say we go in? Yeah. Paul Foote is coming back to Australia to do some shows. So I don't know. I mean, there was a lot of feedback from the last time. What about if we hit a certain amount

on Patreon by the end of this month we won't have him on I don't want to talk negative about him because I no I loved it I loved that episode

yeah and I find him very funny I've listened to that episode multiple times and it was funny every time yeah and it's funnier the more you listen to it as well

it's just so insane and it would be interesting to go in now expecting that. I think we would handle it a little bit better. Well, I think you should book him for every live episode. Just see how he goes. No, we're trying to get people to buy tickets at the moment.

But, oh, yeah, and we didn't mention this, but keep in mind. Fuck. Man, he looks like a whale He sounds like a whale I actually didn't know that was what you were doing I thought that was one of your fucking weird songs That you sing when you get up in the morning or whatever I don't know what that means. I think I know it.

I'm scared to explain. Yeah, don't explain. All right. Good. I have to face a certain direction. That's the one. That's the one. Dil, let's say this.

Let's give a bit of a teaser. I reckon if we, you know, we want to go to Thailand for this live episode. Yes. June. June. June. June. June Northern, yeah. June Northern. Yeah, yeah.

Let's all die land. He's done it again. He's done it again. I reckon you'll be there. I'd like to be there, but I feel like the invitation has been revoked. It's a bit of an on-off relationship with you in the Thailand trip because at the moment you're not drinking and I'm sort of insisting that you get back on it to go to Thailand.

You're very supportive. Yeah. You're a real good friend. I'm thinking of the show. Yeah. That's dearer to me than you. Oh, that's a surprise. Yeah.

I think you should come and you should not drink because I'm also thinking Of the show And I've seen the mess That you end up at As at the end of these Live shows when you drink I went for dinner With Carl and Milan

The other night And Famous eccentric Billionaire Alcoholic I think you said The word eccentric wrong I think it's eccentric

Not eccentric Well you know It's your third language English So I guess I'll bow to you Which I'm more likely To try and learn better I think it's eccentric, not eccentric. Well, you know, it's your third language, English, so I guess I'll bow to you. Which I'm more likely to try and learn better. To try and learn better. Oh, yeah?

No, you've nailed it. Yes. Good job. Yeah, we went for dinner and the two of them were like, you know, it was a birthday celebration. It's like, it's your birthday. You've got to drink. You've got to drink two of them were like, it was a birthday celebration. It's like, it's your birthday. You got to drink. You got to drink.

And I'm like, no. And I was thinking like the two of you more than anyone else in my comedy friends have had to deal with me being too drunk than anyone else. Yet you're the two most vocal people who are like, get back on it. It's fun when you're messed up and we have to try and protect you. Yeah, yeah. That's fair.

Yeah. But yeah, just I guess in my head I'm like, yeah, just do it right. Just do it like the rest of us. Don't fuck it. No, look, we'll figure that out. Why don't you come to Thailand and only drink when I allow you a drink? Just do that because then I'll be able to keep – I'll ration it for you. Then you'll be fine.

You sound like a fucking plantation owner. This sounds fucked. One of Ronnie's banana plantations. No, but I'm like, you know, like in AA you have a sponsor. I'm like the opposite. I'm like the one who gives you beer. Yeah, you're like, you know, in cartoons where the conscious pops up, the devil and the...

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what he feels right now. Tommy on my left and Carl on the right. To be fair, I'm that on most people's shoulders. Yeah, you are an annoying cunt. Let's get to these names. All right, let's get... Let's get them down.

Let's go six. Let's do six straight. All right. As I always say about these ones, this will be interesting, this one. Thank you to Patreon sponsor, Rhiannon Sesney. Says who?

Sesney. Open Sesney. Open Sesney. Open that wallet, Sesney. She is Rhiannon when it comes to Patreon. All right, I'll see myself out. I don't even know what that was supposed to be. That's just a rhyme, Rhiannon on being on it That's not a rhyme

Again, third language Well Rihanna's appropriate because it's a song title And of course we've got Fleetwood Fat over here Wait I've got another one Fleetwood Mac and Cheese What? No, this is not what we're doing Save it for the roast Is this meant to be like a sampler for the roast?

Okay. Yeah, this is the entree. Right. Thanks, Cezny. I guess it's… How is it spelled? S-C-Z-E-S-N-Y. Oh, no, I think that's wrong.

Let me have a look again. S-C… I think it's like Je. The start of it sounds like it's a Je. Jezny. Jezny. Where is it? Jezny. I think it's like the start of it sounds like it's a where is it? I think it's because of like I have a Croatian

one of those weird countries friends who have a SCZ so I think yeah let us know whether we're on right thanks for having Jezny. All right, thank you too. Oh, look, here's a familiar name to us.

Fuck, I hope we haven't done this before. Thank you to Matt Little. Matt Little, yes. A little mate in Tasmania. From Tasmania. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you haven't done it because he's been desperate for you to do it for months now. Oh, right.

I'm pretty sure he's one of the more vocal ones. Yes. Hasmania's very own Matt Little. He's very active on the socials. He's also Tommy Little's cousin. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, right.

Friend of the show, Tommy Little. How's he going to do this? He's struggling. He's campaigning for us to get down. He's one of the vocal campaigners for us to go to Tasmania. Yes. And there's a couple, but the problem is there's a couple. And that's it.

Yeah. I think they think it's like the Austan ratings box where one of them equals a thousand people who come out to the show. Yeah. I also think sometimes people in smaller towns or whatever think, oh, just come down and the people will come out. It's like, nah. Yeah. It doesn't work like that. Because there's nothing to do. You've got a cinemas. will come out. It's like, nah. Yeah. It doesn't work like that.

Because there's nothing to do. You've got a cinemas. Yeah, yeah. There's something to do. You've got enough to do in Hobart or Launceston without going, we've never heard of a fucking podcast. Let's come along. Yeah.

Make it like, you know, a whole, like a travel app where you sort of start the episode on the spirit of Tasmania. Then you go to like. Wait, we're getting the boat down there. Yeah, and just to add more,, we're getting the boat down there. Yeah, and just to add more. It's like before the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival, do the Tasmanian Podcast Festival and then you go to like Mona and look at a wall of vaginas.

That's not bad. And then make poo. If we could do the podcast at Mona, I'd be into it, in front of the wall of vaginas. That'd be pretty good. Yeah. You bloody blend in, mate. You're doing a bloody camouflage for you and me.

Not bad. Yeah, we'll look into it. If we get a big old sponsorship from MoMA, sure. Did you say MoMA? MoMA. MoNA. Is that what you said, MoMA? Oh, is it MoNA or MoNA?

Oh, here we go. Sorry, I'm the foreigner. Let me correct you on your local museum. Shut up. Get the fuck out of my podcast. Thanks, Matt. Hey, Australia my podcast. Thanks, Matt. Australia says welcome. Thanks, MoMA.

Thank you too. Cherie Morgan. Cherie. I feel like we've done this one before. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, there could have been another Cherie. There could be another Cherie.

You know what? Let's just run with it. Who cares? Yeah. I'm doing a search through my list and i'm it's saying no okay your list is a word document i just saw what this list is yeah it's just a what's it supposed to be an excel sheet well who cares it's the same thing don't get sansel tiff well you had a go at me what's wrong with it oh sorry are we not meant

to have a go at each other? Oh, my bad. How rude of me. This is not that sort of podcast, mate. I must have forgotten. An elephant never forgets normally. And hey, reading her name out twice, that is not Sharia's law. Ah! Sorry, I am a

real Sharia moron if I've read it out more than once. Worth it. Even if we haven't it out more than once. Worth it. Even if we haven't done it before, it's worth it. Thanks, Sheree. And what's wrong with giving some sponsors a little extra bit of content? Sure. Yeah.

Thank you to Talia Dean. I want to say fourth female patron out of five so far. I mean, no, third out of four. Third out of four. That's good That's pretty good You're the one who made it a thing though That there's not enough female

Yeah Yeah So you're saying Hey just want to point out Yeah That this is not a thing Yeah you made it Yeah and I've got results

Three out of four 75% of all Patreon sponsors This week are female Thanks to me You choose Who you read out It's not like it happened to have this influx of women just going you know what let's help them out hey let's say it my way i got the results

the women right love me yeah yeah they they live yeah the patriarchy wins again yeah i'm a great feminist icon oh god yeah when i think of When I think of feminism, I think culture. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. 75% let me remind you. Thanks, Talia Dean. Thanks. We didn't...

We didn't make fun of her name. I know. These great feminists couldn't even have a go at this lady's name. Yeah, she's waiting there hoping to get a roasting from the two of you and you've just been very progressive. Not everyone wants to be roasted. Some people do it. Yeah, what kind of idiot would choose to get roasted

by his friends? There's a mix of people out there like some people have come back to us and gone, oh, you didn't roast me hard enough. Read it out again. Right, right, right. Well, that is a roasting in a way. Yeah, I'll change my name to Dr. Cunt. Have a go at that. That'd be the worst gynecologist, wouldn't it?

Your title's a little on the nose, I have to say. I'd love it if someone did that and then said, that's what they called themselves. My name is Dr. Cunt, comma, Cunt Doctor. The palindrome effect is great. My dad always wears bow ties and he was saying to me the other day, he's like, you know, because my dad's an architect, he's like, you know, the two professions where you kind of have to

commonly wear bow ties, the architect and the gynaecologist because otherwise a long tie in both those cases just interferes with your work. It's like he's equating himself like his tie falling all over a drawing he's doing of a building to a fucking necktie literally going up someone's pussy. Oh, not again. Like he's going out to dinner that night and going,

oh, someone's going, there's a stain on your tie. Funny, funny story. Tough day at the office. Talia. Did you spill some of your lunch on that? Kind of. Who is it kind of? He's not eating at work.

Oh, man. That's the way he has his lunch break. Like I said, feminist icon. He's not eating at work. Oh, man. He has his lunch break. Like I said, feminist icon. Thanks, Doc. Can't wait to see your article in Jezebel soon Thanks Talia Thanks Talia Thanks for all that bit then

That you are directly responsible for Yeah Thanks to my dad as well For that ripping yarn But I didn't even realise That's a thing, like architects with bow ties, you know what I mean? Yeah, what about ventriloquist dummies?

Well, my dad told me the original reason he started wearing a bow tie was because when I was a baby he would hold me and he would wear a necktie and I would, like, choke him with it. Oh. Tommy likes it rough. Yeah, from daddy. Daddy, yeah, yeah. Fifty shades of Awesome.

Thanks, Talia. Thanks, Talia. Should we do two more or one more? One more. One more. Okay, we'll do one more. One more. Last one.

Okay, last one for the Patreon raid. Oh, this is interesting. It is, they haven't got their full first name. They've just got the initial. Okay. And then they've got their surname. Like T.S. Elliot. Yeah, yeah, sort of, except only one.

Like T. Elliot. Yeah, K.D. Lang. K. Lang. Yeah, K. Lang. One, it's more like. T. Payne. Who? T. Payne.

T. Payne. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Right. Yeah. Funnily enough, it is. No, it's more like T-Pain Who? T-Pain Yeah, exactly Exactly Right Yeah, funnily enough it is No, it's not T-Pain loves it It comes in See you next

Yeah, yeah Autotunes is Patreon subscription Thank you to Oh, this is timely Thank you to O-Beast Yeah, thanks Thanks to O Thanks toast. Yeah, thanks to Mr. Beast. Thanks for...

What do you reckon the O stands for? Or Mrs. What do you reckon the O stands for? Oprah, maybe? I don't know. Oprah Beast? Yeah, yeah. Maybe.

Who knows? It doesn't say male or female. It just says... Orinthal Beast. Yeah, Orinthal Beast yeah Orenthal Beast Othello Beast there's a whole bunch of O names

yeah Oliver Beast Orlando yeah Orlando Beast yeah well we'll never know well just write in

you know next time you sponsor you know change your name on the Patreon so we know next time Mr or Mrs Beast whoever you are

yeah but thanks for your thanks for your big fat donation. You only knew I was coming like recently, weren't you? Yeah, because usually it takes me hours to come up with something as good as that. I'm just marvelling at your quick ability to come up with such gold. Mr. O. Beast. Thanks, O.

Thanks, O. Thanks to you, guys. Beastie. All right, guys. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. If you would like to chip in and be part of this fun. Well, something, actually, what you said was really interesting. Like, yeah, if you want to, like, come to the shows,

I'm on at 7 at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Carl's 8.30, then Tommy's at 7. So you can to, like, come to the shows, I'm on at 7 at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Carl's 8.30 and then Tommy's at 7. So you can do, like, a triple. I'm just two blocks down from where Carl is. So there's a good chance I'm going to run into Carl's show. There's a good chance if you go to Dil's show, he will somehow beat you to my show. Can I actually plug my dates?

Yes, go for it. Excellent, thank you. I'd love to plug your date. Oh, he's done it again. You just came up with it off the top of your head. Oh, no, that was written. That was written, all right. I'm going to be in Perth, Feb 8th to 11th,

doing my new festival show. Then the same in Canberra on March 24th, and then the Comedy Festival 30th of March till April 23rd. Also Brisbane. I'm going to be there at the Sit Down Comedy Club in Feb 17th and 18th. It's not my solo show, but I'll be headlining, so there'll be a lot of new material and stuff like that. And potentially Sydney as well, so please keep an eye out for that.

That'd be great. Yeah, nice. Thank you very much. You should have gone to Brisbane, man. I don't know if we told you, we sold out. Yeah. Yeah, I'm regretting that now. I feel like yeah

You can see how lovely The Dum Dum supporters In Brisbane are It would have been nice To have maybe done A solo show there But there's always next year It's so good

Or maybe it's They don't like me Because I'm brown You know that could be a thing Well no Queensland are pretty tolerant He's turned around The way this episode started

No but you know I don't know much About Queensland But you know You look at all the V much about Queensland, but you look at all the voting sort of things and you go, oh God, that's fucking weird. But then I think there's this oasis of beautiful people that just

are fucking in the middle of this place going, oh, this is all not good, but we're going to stay strong and be cool. Well, up there they've got One Nation. Over here we've got Ton Nation. Make you surely Australia thin again. Alright, yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com for all our tickets and dates and stuff.

Yeah, go check out Dill at the Comedy Festival and enjoy this episode with Claire Hooper and Nick Capper. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

Hey, now long-term listeners may have noticed that we haven't actually had a proper sponsor on this podcast for a little while, have we? We were in bed with a certain dessert company. Yes. And we've hopped out of bed, haven't we? We've snuck out in the middle of the night. Or were we pushed out? We're pushed out. We're currently doing the walk of shame home.

Yeah. But we got an email during the week. Now, I won't name the specific company of this, but I just thought I'd float this. Maybe our guests might have some input into this. Right. We have gotten a request to do some sponsorship from a dating app. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I sent you this. I don't think I told you the name of it. Yeah, that's right. Again, we won't say them in case we do end up going with it. Yep. Now, weirdly enough, they actually don't want to be on the podcast. They want us to make a video for them and put it on our Facebook page as like a sponsored ad post,

which seems like a weird way of sponsoring the podcast. To be honest, I read the email and went, oh, this is spam. Well, but because sometimes you get spam and it's just like, dear little, and you go, okay, well, this is just like an automated thing that's come through. But it said, dear Tommy and Carl. So they at least know, you know what I mean? They know enough to have, you know,

know to address it to us personally. Sure. And I'm going, well, what was it about us that made them think these guys are the people that we need to let people know about our dating app to be honest i think you could target it at any podcast and have a fair suspicion that there's a lot of single losers listening out there so but i was thinking did they start listening recently because you know you're you've recently gotten engaged we've been doing a lot of wedding talk was that real i? I thought I dreamt that. So did I, actually.

Did they maybe start listening to an episode where we're talking about wedding planning and going, see, these guys, you know, these guys got it. You know, these guys are, they're romantics. That's something to aspire to. Yeah. How did he get that? Do you think we should do it?

Sure. I mean, as soon as they offer us one speck of money, totally. I just don't know what they expect us to say about this dating app. I don't know. Well, exactly what we're doing now, bringing the product into the consciousness. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, let's see what they're offering

and then let's talk about it properly because, well, anyway, let's get our guests in. Okay, let's get our guests in. First of all, making a long overdue return to the podcast, you know, from the great Australian Bake Off, it's Claire Hooper. Yay! Hi. I didn't know I was allowed to know about your engagement,

so I'm really relieved. That's good. I knew you were engaged, but I didn't want to say congratulations and I'm not meant to know or something. Did you think I didn't know? No, I thought I wasn't meant to know. Because you've been – because you dragged your feet. I thought you might make the announcement take a while as well.

But see, this is my plan, or anti-plan, is that people like you have come up to me and gone, oh, am I allowed to say this? Congratulations. I'm like, yeah, I just haven't been the modern day person by putting on Facebook and Twitter and going, guess what, everyone? This is fucking everything

I'm doing. Yeah, you did it on your podcast, which hundreds of thousands of people listen to. Yeah, I'm not putting it, you did it on your podcast which hundreds of thousands of people listen to. I'm not putting it out there or anything. There's more people listening to this than you have on Facebook. I literally only did that because it's serving the show. Yeah, that's true.

It's serving the show and to put it on a personal thing, I'm like I don't care about that. It's fine for you to know. It's not a secret. No, that's great. It's good. I'm just – sorry, I know you want to introduce the other guest. No, not really.

Keep going. I'm thrilled and also I'm just wrapped because I met her finally. Oh, did you? Briefly, yeah, outside the avalanches. What's she like? Man, I wish – I don't know if – like I didn't speak a word to her because I was just concentrating really hard on not reaching out to touch her and see if she was real.

Oh, right. I know, but I really, I was like, she seems really nice. I wanted to take her into a corner and say, tell me everything about yourself because I don't know anything about her. Very quickly, we'll bring the next guest here. I just will say this very quickly is you are, I don't know if you want to know this, but you are, it's becoming one of those things where I've heard some talk.

People are starting to question if you're one of those, you've become one of those comics that's always talking about their partner but no one ever sees her. Oh, I've copped that the whole time. Oh, really? Right. Yeah, I've always had people come up and go, is she real? Yeah.

Are you for real? It's you in a wig rocking slowly back and forth in the corner. Yeah, it's psycho too. Well, okay, let's get him in. We've got a second. Oh, no, one more question. Sorry, one more question about this. Hang on, when you say let's get him in. One more question. Sorry, one more question about this. Hang on, when you say let's get him in, what, the guy in the wig?

You said you met my girlfriend where? Oh, outside the Avalanches. Melbourne Town Hall. I know that band. My apologies, that's right. I didn't give you room to say that. Also joining us, you know him from his podcast, Highway to Nothing, it's Nick Capa.

Hey, guys. How are we? You've had about 25 minutes to work on that intro and that's what you've come out with? I'm really great at it. I also once saw your girlfriend, Carl, at Lido Cinema. No, no, no. I saw a glimpse of her but then I ran away because I just didn't know.

Fear of commitment. Yeah, if she was real or not. You got a camera out and she was like, no one will ever believe you and then just like ran off into the woods. And that's kind of what I was like. I was like, if Carl, you know, if she doesn't. You got a blurry photo and you can't quite see if it's her or a man in a suit. It's like that footage of Bigfoot. Yeah.

You know, that old stuff from the 80s. Yeah. You don't know whether it's real or not. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, she's real. I've seen her multiple times. She dropped me off here today.

But does it concern you that, you know, people, that there's chatter, that there's not really a fiancé, this is all just some? No, it's cool. That's fine. Because people always go, oh, well, how come we don't see her all the time? It's like as if you'd want to hang out at comedy all the time. This is on the comedians that say it. Oh, we don't see her.

She doesn't want to fucking come to comedy. I don't want to come to comedy. Why would she be coming all the time? Yeah, there is an expectation when you're in comedy that your partner wants to see where you work. Nobody else wants to see their partner's job. So why would comedians' partners want to go hang out with them at work?

Wade hates it. This is what I was about to say because there's really no in between. There's either the comedy partner who no one believes they exist or the other end is you've got to go all the way in, like your husband Wade has, right? He's not all the way in.

He never comes. When have you ever seen him in a gig? But everyone knows him. He only comes – somehow everyone knows him. Yeah. Because he only ever comes out when I'm not working and I'm not out. Yeah. Yes.

Right? Because, I mean, like – I know him more as – He could be me in a suit because you've never seen us in the room together. I know him more as a friend of Harley Breen's than the husband of you. That's right. Well, you know what? Me too, to be honest.

You know what? So, like, for example, you know what? I've never met Ben Lomas' partner. Me either. I have met Josh Earle's wife once, I think. So there's plenty of these people in the community. P.S. I've got Ben Lomas' wife's number in my phone now. I locked it down a couple of weeks ago.

Let's get her in here. You know when you meet the partner and you're like, I'm trading my actual friend in for their partner? Yeah, true. You're better. Sorry, Lomas, but you're much better. Wow, how can someone be better than Lomas? The best is watching…

No, you go. No, I was just going to make so true what I was going to say, which was comedians' partners are better because they actually listen to what you say. And then I talked over Kappa. The best is when you get a new partner and they're dazzled by the comedy but then slowly watching their interest decline. Yes.

Like they go to every night, they watch you every night, they're up the front, they're so eager. Yep. And then for some reason they're a lucky charm. Like you go, you'll see a bad gig one time and they're like, no, every time you've gone good. And then you just have a not so good a gig as you did last time. You did some very polite women it sounds like.

That's a deaf ones oh here we go it started it started but you're right because initially it's like wow comedy's cool and you get to see all these people and then i think they realize the caveat is oh i sort of have to go with you so even if i'm seeing new other stuff every other gig i'm seeing your shit again and again and again i think i copped i think I copped that very early on where it was like, you know, we go for the third time to comedy, it's like, so are you going to do that same stuff again? Because I might just stay home.

The same stuff you woke me up in the middle of the night to ask, is this funny? Do I need to see this again? Oh, no, that stopped very early on. Yeah, you would never. Yeah, I can't even trust. I think Wade has great taste in comedy. I could never trust him to tell me what joke's good or not.

Oh, no one one-on-one though. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, one-on-one's never going to work. No, it's not good. Oh, man, but if it's a comedian, if it's another comedian, you can do a one-on-one to them. No, even then.

Even then? No. I just find it's too – yeah, no, that's just too tricky. It's just too small of a sample audience. Okay. Because even if they laugh – I've done that before. I've had it happen multiple times either way where I've said a joke to someone backstage and they go, that's great.

Go on and bombs and then come back out and they go, yeah, that was shit. But even we were writing some stuff together the other day for a different thing. We were writing some scripts. Oh, wow. And just even reading them out to each other is just like, it's just you and me. Yeah. And they're sitting there at the laptop going, oh, and then I go like this and then you go like this.

It's like, what am I fucking doing with my life? I'm an embarrassment. Yeah, yeah. Should be good stuff. Yeah. Look out for that guy. The other combo, you see a partner drift off is when they're like, oh, I'm going to a barbecue to meet up with a heap of comedy mates

and they're like, oh, I want to come along too. And you go, oh, no, you don't want to come along. Yeah. And then you watch all your comedy mates just block them and talk about comedy in the corner of the barbecue. Basically this podcast at the moment. Yeah, it's this podcast. Yeah.

Exactly. But with ten more people and people that just don't want to meet your girlfriend because she doesn't do comedy. Yeah. So therefore she is not a person. I have that a lot with my girlfriend. If I'm going to something, she'll go, oh, should I come? Will people's partners be there?

And I'm like, either they won't be there because they're like you and they know better or if they are there, you don't want to know. Yeah. How is Wade, by the way? He's well, thanks. Cool. Never wants to come to another comedy event ever No which is a shame Because Wade's a champion

Everyone loves Wade Yeah Oh no Look I'm exaggerating He does want to go He wants to go out But he wants to go out When I'm not going out

Man we're just not Yeah I go out And I do work And then I come home And tag him out And he goes out And he does the party for me He's probably hanging out

With my girlfriend right now Probably We've been hyping this up for years We've got to get the two of you on the podcast at the same time man i'd love it um no i'd love it that'd be unreal i'd he's he's the thing with taking a part into a comedy barbecue and this is why wade is actually whilst he doesn't really want to he's fit for it because comedians banter way harder than regular people like we're so much more brutal to each other and you'll accidentally do it to a new person in the group.

Man, I remember my first mother's group. Like I had a baby and – All right, mate. Yeah, all right. Had a baby. They set you up with mother's group and you kind of – you sit there like trying to feel the room because you're like I don't know what to come in with. And then – but then when you do say something, it's just way harder than

what the rest of the group expects. Like, you know, my mate's – she's a mate now but she's talking at some point about how she irons tea towels and I just go, well, no wonder you're so fucking tired or something like that. But it's the first time I've met her and you can see her just like shrink back and then it takes me three weeks to win her back. Like, they're really soft, gentle things to her. Well, just the other night we were talking about, just before the podcast, Capra and I were at Lawrence Mooney, you know, Comedy Festival season's coming up,

we've all got Comedy Festival shows coming up, sometimes there are trial shows, Lawrence Mooney had a trial show the other night that we went to, and it's that thing How did it go? You didn't talk about this at all before. So, he had quite a few people there The demo was quite a bit older

And like you said Talking to non-comedy people I get up there And it's seven o'clock at night There's still daylight Streaming through the windows An older demographic And I said to Moon

Oh don't worry about this I'll go up there and explain To the crowd I'll intro you And I'll explain to the crowd What's going on So I get up there and go Hey don't worry about it

This is Moon It's a trial show So it's not all going go, hey, don't worry about it. This is Mooney's trial show. So it's not all going to be great. You know, if it is great, good on you. Have a laugh. If you don't laugh, of course, Lawrence Mooney is going to fucking kill himself. That didn't go as well as I thought it would go. Yeah. I think in my head that was –

That's more of your 8.30 p.m. show rather than your 7 p.m., isn't it? It's more of an 11.30 p.m. show I would your 7 p.m., isn't it? It's more of an 11.30 p.m. show, I would have said, in hindsight. Any dumb, dumb listeners in the crowd? No, no dumb, dumb listeners in the room tonight. That stuff goes well with the dumb, dumb live shows. Not so much to the 55-year-old audience. I love those things where you get up and you say something that in any other realm, like we get so used to with this podcast,

that's obviously facetious, like jokingly referencing Killing Yourself. And when you feel that vibe in the room of everyone and you go, fuck, you think this is serious? Like you think this is actually a suicide threat? No, they don't. But in their workplace, you're not allowed to do that. Everybody else's workplace, that is so off limits, even if you're joking.

You're not allowed to make jokes about how somebody's going to kill themselves. Yes, you're completely right. And it becomes that point where you… And at 7pm, they're fresh from that workplace. Yeah, yeah. And it's also that moment where you don't – At Lifeline. You don't even say, you know, oh, I'm obviously joking.

You just go, oh, you break it down. That's not funny at all, really. Like if you're taking that completely seriously, you're like, you can't defend that joke. Yes, exactly, yeah. You can't go, yeah, lighten up, you know. Not really Yeah So they did

They probably didn't do Moon any favours that night And how was the gig? Anyway It's so funny when you test the waters Because Claire saw me do this on Wednesday I was emceeing a gig And sometimes they're just up for it straight away They know you're being sarcastic.

But I went up to – I said a couple of things straight up and then I said, all right, guys, this is the way it's going to go. Obviously, I'm the best on emceeing but we've just put some other guys in to fill in the gaps. Now, you guys gave it a whole lot more laughter than what it got at the time. Right. They were like, no we you're not funny mate yeah like if you're the funniest on here then we're fucked yeah fake arrogance is a yeah and

it's so funny because like when you're emceeing you're like want to test the waters let's see if they roll with a bit of improv gear and you're like as soon as they don't laugh at that then your mind goes into a panic yeah you're like okay're like, okay, old gear it is. This is what you get. Quick, whip out the killing yourself gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quick, make some vague threats about your personal safety to them. The sun's out at seven o'clock, what would Carl do? Kappa, I want to relay because I got told,

because you haven't lived in Melbourne for that long. Like you've lived here for a little while, but you were doing comedy in Sydney for that long. Like you've lived here for a little while but you were doing comedy in Sydney for quite a while before that. So there's a whole realm of Kappa stories that, you know, I was only privy to recently when I caught up with a friend of yours and I got him to relay one of them to me this morning for the purposes of this podcast.

Now, I'll just read the story. Okay. And then you can, don't interrupt while I'm reading it, and then you can confirm or deny all the details. This is edited, right? Not at all. Okay. I remember at a music festival he got wasted on absinthe and shouted, I'm Nigella Lawson,

look at my tits. Then fell down unconscious, he woke up a couple of hours later and picked up. This is all correct. Which music festival was this? It was Pete's Ridge. And did you pick up a fan of Nigella Lawson? I don't know what happened. We were performing in this absence tent and I had a good show.

I think it was the only good one. You've ever done? Yeah. Yeah, it was a great night for me. I really celebrated. I thought, oh, I finally cracked it. But, yeah, I did a gig and then they had this big absence bar and they gave you like a drink bottle but it was one

of those oversized drink bottles. I don't think you like a drink bottle, but it was one of those oversized drink bottles. I don't think you really get them anymore, those big ones with the straw in the top, you know. Like a Slurpee sort of thing. Yeah, yeah. But it was, you know, you could reuse it. You go to the cinema and it's like, you know, like it's printed with the movie that you're seeing

and it comes with a large popcorn and it's your take-home sippy cup. Yeah, that's it. Yours had Nigella Lawson on the side. I don't know where the Nigella Lawson thing came from, honestly. I don't know. But the girl behind the bar must have really liked me because she gave me this full thing of absinthe for free, this big jug of it. And I thought, oh, that's quite strong.

She gave me heaps of poison and said, drink this. And then by the time I got back to the campsite, I was like, oh, God, I'm feeling pretty woozy. And then I just blanked out and then they said that, yeah, I took all the pans off the camp stove and then was beating them on my chest saying, I'm Nigella, look at my tits. And then passed out in a tent. And then I remember waking up but I was still pretty drunk slash,

I don't know, quite hallucinogenic. Yeah, you've drunk a litre of absinthe, but don't think a 20-minute power nap's going to undo that. And then I went there and I just started dancing and then, yeah, I think the friend you're referring to is Shane Matheson. Yes, correct. He was going through some kind of breakup at the time and I was like, don't worry, buddy, we'll get you a girl,

we'll find a wingman. I'm Nigella Lawson. Look at my tits. Come on, Shane, there's plenty of fish in the sea. So Shane's dancing. I can be whoever you want me to be. Ever wanted to fuck a celebrity chef? That's great.

That's the ultimate wingman. He doesn't help you find a girl. If he hasn't found you a girl at the end of the night, he just fucks you. If you can't find a girl, I will be your girl. What do they do that thing, what is that they talk about in the game or something

when you're like a peacocking? Yes. Yeah, that's peacocking. I mean, I've heard, yeah. Peacocking Kappa style is banging your chest with hands. I think you're cock hitting. I think that's what that is. No one else is going to be doing this. I assure you, Shane.

No one else will be – yeah, but then I woke up and then I just met back up with – they were all – and I walked back onto the dance floor because I didn't know what happened. I didn't know how long I was passed out for. I had no idea. And then they all looked at me like I'd risen from the dead. Like they couldn't believe that I was there. They've never seen someone as famous as you.

Can we have some of your recipes? A couple of hours ago we saw this man spewing, banging, you know, things on his chest. And now he's like here dancing. And then I met like this nice girl. Just looking at your tits like you asked them to. Your flattened tits after the saucepan episode. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it, man. Yeah. And then the way the look on Shane's face was heartbreaking when I, yeah, actually started making out. So you picked up this – had this girl seen the whole incident of you smashing yourself in the chest? No.

No, she was just on the dance floor. Oh, my goodness. And she, yeah, wow. She didn't need the banging of the pants. No, nothing. She liked you just for who you were. For who you really were, not even Nigella. Wow.

If you've ever seen post-absence Kappa, Claire, then watch out. Wade better watch out. Just the right amount of vulnerability, I bet. That is a great pick-up line. Like, you know, I'm sure in the game, look, we can find it on your bookshelf, Tommy, if you like. Oh, that's right. I remember that little show.

Is that still up there? Have you removed that? No, don't look at my bookcase. Just keep going. Is it still up there? Did you actually have the game? Yeah, I do have the game there somewhere. Oh, you poor.

Now it's in the bedroom, obviously. No, you have McGinley. Danny McGinley DVD. The only thing worse for women than the game there somewhere. Now it's in the bedroom, obviously. No, you have McGinley. Danny McGinley DVD. The only thing worse for women than the game. Danny McGinley's DVD. To be fair, it transcends gender. Do you want to hear something with no consent? Oh, that's bad.

Well, we are going to a Bucks party after this. What a segue. Speaking of horrible men-based things, we are going to a Bucks party after this. It's Nick Cody's Bucks party after this. We're going to an afternoon. This is actually the earliest we've ever recorded a podcast. We had to get up quite early so we could fit all this in

to go to the Bucks party. I was driving here thinking, what loser did they get to record a podcast. We had to get up quite early so we could fit all this in to go to the Bucks party. I was driving here thinking, what loser did they get to record a podcast at 9am on a Sunday and there's Kappa. And then me. I think you've got a legitimate excuse because you've got a family and stuff.

They thought, oh yeah, she'll be up. Yeah, I figured the other person would be another person with kids. It's like, oh yeah, get out of the house. Well, Kappa actually had to get out of some plans to come do this. He was meant to be helping someone run a market stall. Bloody fucking duh. Yeah. So, sorry, guys.

What was he going to be selling? His clothes. Oh. Yeah, his secondhand clothes. Great excuse to get out of it. Yeah, yeah. Like, who wants to do that? Oh.

And why does he need a hand with this? Well, I just thought, like, I haven't been in Melbourne in that long. I just thought you had to do this to become a resident. Oh, okay. Like work a market store. You know what those market stores are like, though? You've got to get up there really, really early, and then all you're doing is dealing with assholes all day

that just come in and go, I know this is two cents, but can I have it for one? The last half hour is rife for that, having done a couple market stores, because everyone... I reckon you need two people. Just the second person needs to hold you back from clocking people in the face. Because the last half hour of any market stall because you're packing up, you're getting ready to go and people sort of know, hey,

they just want to get rid of everything. And so you do. You slash your prices. Yeah. And that's when you get the – there's people that just deliberately hang out until the last 15 minutes of a market. Yeah. Absolute scum.

Yeah. Real bad. The worst people. Well, I've got a secret ingredient. I'm just going to bang pans on my chest saying I'm Nigella. Hopefully that'll peacock some sales in. Hopefully there he's actually got some pots and pans to sell and you can be beating them on your chest going, buy these things that I'm harming myself with.

Look how good they are for cross-dressing. So we go to a box. Kappa, you've been to boxes before. Great, thanks. Yeah, I have been to a box, Carl. What else are we talking about? My favourite box, I don't know, because out in the country, things are elevated a whole lot more.

I think it's the real boxes you go to. I had a mate who was a mechanic and we told him he had to go fix a bulldozer in this paddock. So our friend drove the bulldozer way out into the paddock and we said, oh, you've got to be there at 8 in the morning and just see the depression on his face. See, because this very quickly, this is an element that I haven't fully experienced in the Buxers yet is that it's meant to be –

I know, it's meant to be a surprise. Yeah, you're meant to somehow trick the Bucs into going to this location, which surely if you're getting... If your wedding is coming up and your mate goes to you, hey, your best man goes to you, hey, just wondering if you could go down the shops and get me a carton of milk, like surely you're going, hang on a minute,

this is going to turn into the Bux. And also why do you need to be..., for someone to come up and go, surprise, we're all going to drink beer and get pissed. It's like, oh, my God, you never would have got me to do that otherwise. It's so much fun. Like, we drove, we got a bus full of us and we drove out and into the paddock and then we attached, like, a real ball and chain to his ankle. It was the best.

Okay, that's why you need to surprise someone if you're going to do something like that. Where's your spirit of adventure, you know? But the funniest one was... Oh, man, I can imagine Chandler's face if you attached a ball and chain to him. Yeah, the more I'm going, fuck doing this to anyone, I'm also going... Sorry, Diane, it's off. I'm not fucking doing it because I'm not wearing the bowling chair. The more we talk about this, the more I'm going, oh, well, he'll hate it.

So this is what we have to do for Chandler. Yeah. All right. Okay. No. So let's all tell fun stories. Watch his face for clues. I would love to see Chandler with two strippers just all over him.

Like, just take a photo of his face. You would just love that. Okay. Would he love it? Would I? I don't think I would. No, no, that love that. Okay. Would he love it? Would I? I don't think I would. No, no, that's what I mean. I feel like it would be neutral Chandler.

I feel like he's seen some things. I feel like you wouldn't love it or hate it. You'd just wait until it was over like so many comedy nights. Yeah. You'd get to the end of the ride. That's what I mean. You'd get to the lap dance and then turn to the stripper and go, now how do you think that went?

I'd just give her the light at five. Yeah, you wouldn't tuck the money in her underwear. You'd just pass it to her in a closed hand. Yeah, yeah. Good job tonight. Good job. So how many – you sounded like you've been to a few, Kappa. Yeah, yeah.

This was the weird thing is because that was pretty crazy, that box. We went paintballing, but paintballing. It must be easy to paintball with a ball and chain, huh? Yeah, he had it pretty rough. Yeah. But it was just this old man who owned the paintball field, so it wasn't like a city one where you're like, okay, everybody get in their teams and this is when you start.

He just gave us all guns. He said, just shoot each other. So it was just everyone got shot in the face. Oh, no. Wow. No protective gear. It was just straight close. I shot a guy right between the eyes and I thought I knocked him out.

Jesus. And if you wanted to, because we're all drinking beers, if you wanted to go to the toilet, you were going to the toilet in fear because you would just be getting shot in the back repeatedly. Someone's going to stick a rifle up your ass. Yeah, but who's going to notice you've pissed your pants when you're covered in paint anyway? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Good call. Yeah. But the best thing was because I was used to these kind of – and then we went to his dad's shed and we – it was like a scene from Mad Max. Like two cars were doing donuts while there was fires. And I got third degree burns on my ass because we poured this.

Because you were beating your ass with the pots and pans after you've taken them off the stove and they were still hot. You say third degree burns but that's very serious third. Are you being dramatic or you went to the hospital? It was at least second degree. I had this big line because they poured like this flammable liquid onto my arse and then set my arse on fire, which I thought would be a good idea.

And you're not even the bucket. What is this happening to you? Hang on, is that the buck' equivalent of throwing the bouquet? Yes. Just setting someone on fire at random going, you're next. Well, the Bucks still had the ball and chain, so it ought to be unsafe to set him on fire. Yeah, this guy can run as fast as he likes.

But we had an esky. They're pouring liquid on your arse and setting it on fire. Yeah. It was a weird time for me. So these burns, does that then put – does the buck stop immediately because you're like screaming in agony because your arsehole's on fire? Or is this like the next day where you're like, oh, that went a bit far? Yeah, yeah, it was definitely that.

I sat in an esky full of ice, like a small esky, but the esky was too small because I sat in it and I think it just trapped the flame. Hang on, so your arse was still on fire while it was inside an esky? Yeah, well, I sat in the esky to put it out because there was ice in the esky. Is there anything funnier visually than the image of someone's ass being on fire? And also, I'm going, fuck, you must have made this up. And then I'm like, oh, your ass is on fire.

Like, that's literally the definition of someone telling a lie. And I sat in the Esky. And this is when But that big old booty can't reach the ice cubes Yeah And then I pulled it out And the flame was kind of even higher You know what I mean

Because it felt it was like constricted of air Your ass is not on There's not a flame coming out of your ass So once it took the No the flame was coming off my ass Not out Yeah Hang on Yeah So once it took the – no, the flame was coming off my ass, not out. Yeah. Did you – hang on.

Yeah. Was either Hannah or Barbera getting married? What? Yeah, so I got – once it lifted my – Was the roadrunner getting married and you – like what – I've never seen an actual flame come off a person's ass. Oh, well, we used to have it. It was when they had those old –

You were getting married soon. It was on one of those old camera flip phones. We had the footage for ages but I don't know we used to have it. It was when he had those old... Oh, you're getting married soon. It was on one of those old camera flip phones. We had the footage for ages, but I don't know if you've still got it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And at the wedding, my mate said, I'd like to thank the groomsman, Jared

Woods, like, you know, his brother and he goes, and I'd like to thank Nick Capper, flaming ring of fire. So, how long after this was the wedding? Like a week after, so I still had the burn right across my ass. You're going to get one of those little hemorrhoid donuts to sit on at the reception.

Oh, man, it was, yeah. His mum's a nurse and she's like, you really should have got that looked at. I love the idea of you just sitting at the bridal table with your ass on the wedding cake, still trying to cool it down. But it's the eternal flame. It just won't go out. It's a week later and it's still burning.

So he sits on the cake. The cake goes up in flames. I'm surprised he didn't say, and thank you to Nick, Shrine of Remembrance Kappa. If you look at Kappa's ass now, there's still just a tiny little flame emanating off it. It's still after all these years. That they're going to use next time the Olympics come to Australia.

So that's okay. Well, that's good. That's good to put in the Chandler Bucks party pile. No way. Set some form of his privates on fire. Yeah, great. Oh, God. No, I'm not doing that.

But it's so funny because I always thought bucks were always loose and I had to do another one like last year. It was just like a bunch of guys from Sydney, all kind of graphic designers and comic book guys and worked in 3D animation and stuff. So they put me in the group and I only knew one other of these, one other of the grooms party. Let's cut to the chase.

You set your dick on fire. And I said to them – The other. He slammed his dick in a fridge. I said, who's getting the flammable liquid first? But I basically said something – I said, okay, guys, look. They said, let's book an escape room and we'll go to a brewery, all this stuff.

And I was like, hey, guys, what do you say we hire a van and kidnap him? And then there was just silence in the group. Everyone was responding to everyone's stuff. And then as soon as I wrote that, and then someone just wrote, all right, guys, so who's booking the escape room? Great. No, you're right.

I think country stuff's a lot. It's a different level, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're going to this box today. This box we're going to today is at a bar just drinking. We've got to up the ante. It's very calm because it's been organised by someone who doesn't drink. Yeah.

Let's just go into the street and... Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's being organised by... Well, we can say it's a friend of the show. Friend of the show, yeah. Free Barn. Yeah.

Oh, that's nice. He doesn't drink. It's not nice. It's a... But he doesn't Oh that's nice He doesn't drink It's not nice It's a But he doesn't drink I mean you don't have to drink To be able to book us all in To go to a bar I think you do

Well he's He's proved that you don't have to Has he not booked you all To go to a bar Well Cody's original idea Was that He wanted to go to

Vegas for his bucks Yeah It's nice to be Cody Isn't it It is a It is a It is a weird One But

I mean When he first told me I was like Yeah great I'll go But in hindsight I'm glad I'm not Going to Vegas

Why I'm happy Just to walk down the street And have a few beers And walk home Yeah Well you guys could all You could all fully go

Trash bag And end up Down at Crown Yeah Try and scam your way Into the High Rollers. You're right. All these stories that Cap, we've got to,

let's like behead Cody in the street or something like that. We really need to match some of these yarns. Don't they have live flames out the front of Crown? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Let's push him into one. Now we're talking. Stick him on the end of a pole like a marshmallow and hold him close.

What did you do for your hens? Did you have a hens? No. Really? No hens? Oh, really? Why would I? What are you?

Did Wade have a box? Nah. I like it. Okay. Conscious decision or? Well, I guess. You had a conscious decision to have no mates? We were pretty cash about it.

Yeah, pretty much. We were just pretty cash about it. Yeah, pretty much. So our mums and dads were allowed to come and we each invited a couple of people but we told our siblings don't bother and then we didn't do a thing. We didn't do anything. We just got married. But you invited your mum and dad. That's why.

Yeah, we figured we'd get in trouble if we didn't. But I guess it was a – we went to a wedding recently, had a really lovely time. We were like maybe we missed out not doing the proper trouble if we didn't. But I guess it was a – we went to a wedding recently, had a really lovely time. We're like, maybe we missed out not doing the proper – but we didn't. We just did registry the end. No butts, no hands. We did a honeymoon but it was like booked with a couple of weeks to go. We were like, oh, what should we do afterwards?

And then just bought a package holiday. No, we just didn't want to be part of that. So organising an event and then standing up the front and performing, like it feels like work to me. Yeah, yeah, sure. Right? Sure. You are talking this guy's language.

Let me just say that. Yeah, fully organising a wedding and then standing in your, like dressing in your costume and standing up the front and doing some lines. You are going to feel like you're at work, right? Yeah, right. Yeah. And for Wade, like it's just the worst and doing some lines. You are going to feel that you're at work, right? Yeah, right. Yeah. And for Wade, like it's just the worst thing in the world.

Being centre of attention. Well, he doesn't – he's chosen not to live a life where he's the centre of attention. Yeah, exactly. He didn't want to do a thing. He didn't want to do a it's the all about me party, which is what a wedding is and it is gorgeous when you love the people you're watching get married. You're like, yeah, I want to go to the all about you party, but Wade didn't wedding is. And it is gorgeous when you love the people you're watching get married.

You're like, yeah, I want to go to the all about you party. But Wade didn't want to have one of his own. Yes. So both of us were like, let's just see how small we can play this. I love it. Well, the Bucks, when it's for a group of comedians, it's almost like, so like I went to a Bucks just before New Year's. It's going to be a roast.

Is that what you're saying? Well, I mean, it's like a group of people getting together and like, oh, cool, we can all drink heaps but it's like it's comedians live a very fluid unstructured life anyway like i went to a bucks yeah just after christmas and it was all you know everyone there like it was a lot of like doctors and you know people who work these full-time jobs and so it's like yes we're out on the town and we're going fucking crazy and like we went to a shooting range and at one point it was like the guy like the whole thing was whoever comes last in the shooting the number of points that is between you and the person who came first you're gonna have to do that

many shots when we go to the bar and it was like I was losing at one point and it was like four points between me and the guy winning and everyone's like getting stuck into me going yeah we go we get to the bar you're gonna have to do the bloody four shots i'm like that's like a tuesday if i bump into milan that's actually sounds like a nice refreshing break from the amount of drinking i do midweek yeah your stakes are just so low that's what i think that's what i think about uh weekend drinking i actually take the weekend off because i've had enough monday tuesday wednesday thursday night saturday it's like oh i might have an early night I actually take the weekend off because I'm like, I've had enough Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday night. Saturday it's like, oh, I might have an early night tonight. Yeah.

When you occasionally have to go into the city on a Saturday night, don't you just feel full of contempt for the people that do it on the right night? You're like, you losers, go out on a Tuesday. Like a real adventure. Christmas parties near the end of the year is just the worst. I saw a guy at a tram stop like, yeah, a week before Christmas and he's just standing there kind of gently swaying and this girl comes up to him and starts talking to him

and it was clearly like a girl who knew him from somewhere and they're chatting and he kind of cuts her off and goes, you'll have to forgive me. You've caught me while I'm currently quite intoxicated. And I was like, oh, what a nerd. This is the one time you've been drunk all year. No hardened drinker refers to it, refers to themselves like

that. I quite like it. You caught me while I'm quite intoxicated. It was like how someone on the Big Bang Theory talks. Just a dork. I hated him. I fucking hated him. The worst is when you do comedy you have to see a doctor. Yeah, you're right. You see a doctor and they're like, how many

beers do you have during the week? And you're like, oh, not many. I just have a few when I do a gig. And they're like, oh, yes, how many gigs do you do? You're like, oh, four or five. And they go, how many beers do you have? Oh, probably around four of shit. I have 20 beers a week, plus I have at least two big nights. I have 20 beers a week plus I have at least two big nights.

I have 50 beers a week at least. Yeah. Well, I don't know if we got to the bottom of the dating app idea from the start. Sure. But I think that's a suitable sponsor for us if we can make it happen. I mean, Cap, are you on the dating apps? I was for a bit and then I got tired of it. I don't know.

It was just more effort than having to text people all the time. I know it's a first world problem. You're a bloody country boy. Just put her in a van and take her out to the middle of the garden. Sit her on fire. I meant in a nice way. Tell her there's a bulldozer that needs fixing In many ways the pots and pans on the chest Is the original dating app

That's like going out to a certain radius Like Tinder does I tried it for a while But then just I don't know When you first meet somebody And then they It's a match

You get so excited But then you've got to do so much talking. I'd just rather meet them straight away, see if they're weird or not or my kind of weird. Yeah. I was going to say. You know what I mean? The best one was –

See if they're weirder than you. Yeah, yeah. If that's possible. The best one was when I was going to – I love – like, the only reason I want a girlfriend is to take them to the markets. I love going to the markets with a girlfriend, get like homemade lemonade, look at stuff. It's the best, right?

Look at stuff. Okay. Are you talking like second-hand markets or craft markets or farmer's markets? Yeah, farmer's markets. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Spanish chorizo.

Fresh squeezed joe's. Yeah, yeah. And like a breakfast bun. Oh, yeah. You know, like bacon or a sausage or something at 8 o'clock in the morning. See Samad afterwards, pay $80 for a sausage. Yes. I don't know why I love it. Anyway, I said to this girl, I'll meet you at the farmer's market.

She said, that's a great idea. I would love to do that. And I was really looking forward to meeting her and then she sent me this rather lengthy text saying oh i'm sorry i can't make it i just saw um the movie grizzly man and it's about a man who gets eaten by a bear um i'm very distressed by this let's make it another time wow and the weirdest thing is i've seen grizzly man and it's about a reformed drug guy who plays with the bears and in the end he gets eaten like it's not about him getting eaten it's about this guy who plays with the bears yeah but yeah i was like okay well that's a sign not to do dating apps anymore, you know.

That was, okay, and you never ended up rescheduling the date? No, Kappa, that's like trying a joke on a sample group of one. You've got to throw those farmer's market invites out a little wider, man. Yeah, yeah. You've got to have at least 60, at least a critical mass to it. Just make that your bio. I love the, because I'm sure there's girls out there that are into the same thing. Put that in your bio. I love the farmer's markets.

Match with me. I'll take you to the farmer's market. How about if you love the idea of being eaten by a bear, call me. Also, because that reason to then not meet up with her later is a bit crazy if you put it in the context of – imagine you've been going out with someone for a year and then you say, let's go out tonight, let's go down to a market and then she says, I just saw a movie about a man being eaten by a bear

and then you go, that's enough, you're dumped, I don't want to see you anymore. Well, it's also very hypocritical because I set my arse on fire once and then also beat my chest with the pans. I think, you know, compared to that, grizzly bear execution is quite normal. Yeah, exactly. We don't need dating apps anyway. I remember one time I was driving you home from a gig out in the suburbs and you were

like, I'll just take me, can I just get a lift home? And I was like, sure. And you gave me your address and we're about halfway through the trip and you get a little text on your phone and you go, and I'll do the voice, there's been a change of location. He made me drop you off at the front of a booty call. Do you remember that? Yeah, that was nice.

You guys, like on this one podcast, there's been three pick-up stories. Like within an hour, that could come across as the wrong kind of guy because if people see a visual aspect of what I'm wearing now, I'm wearing shorts and little socks with toucans on them. Yes. I am not a ladies' man. Yes, that's what makes it so funny. Imagine.

I reckon that dating app is going to listen to this episode and go, oh, actually, can we sponsor Kappa instead? Well, speaking of sponsoring, so I don't know, because you guys are both rarities in a little way that you both, I think, listen to the podcast. I know hoops you have in the past, so I'm not sure if you're up to date at all. I'm not up to date.

That's fine. Oh, you know, I listen to the ones that people say are good. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Like once a year you check date. That's fine. Oh, you know, I listen to the ones that people say are good. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Like once a year you check in. That's cool. So you listen to episode 10. We get it. Oh, you know, skip 20 minutes in, get into the meat of it.

There you go. There you go. You're on board. You're on board. And I think, Cappy, you listen a bit. I think you know where we're up to with this bit. Cappy used to pay to come to our live shows. Remember that?

Did he? No. He did. I paid to come to one and then there was that many in-jokes. It was when I first started. I was like, oh, no. What have I – like Demi Lardner was getting tattooed. Yeah.

There was a nudie run and I was like, what have I stepped into? Yeah. What have I paid to step into? Someone bought all of you guys shots. Like I remember just trays of shots being at the table. I remember having to take myself out because I was hung over from the night before. I thought this is only going to end badly.

I'm just going to save myself. And now look at you. You're part of the family. You're part of the fam. So it's a slight update. We've been talking a lot about this. It hasn't been confirmed yet. But the idea of us bringing the podcast to Thailand,

I'm not sure if you've heard of this. Yes. You've heard of this concept. It's got branding now. Well, I've heard of it because I was across Ben Lomas' passionate campaign to his wife with a three-month-old child. Just explaining that even though she'd recently given birth and they also had another child,

that it would be important for him to go to Thailand for a week to film something with no fee. Well, the trip has branding now. As of last week, we've worked out we are going over there to do the first ever Koh Samui podcast festival. Yes. So we're now festival. No, really?

Yeah, we're now. We made that up. Oh, sorry. Yeah, of course. Sorry. It's us. We've started. We're now festival directors.

We're now co-festival directors of the Thailand podcast. At the moment, semi-confirmed, yet to be confirmed yet, but Little Dum Dum Club are rumoured to be headlining it. Yes. At the moment. It's huge. Nui Takoa in The Herald Sun, he's broken that in his rumours column. It's a large three-hour festival featuring Tommy's other podcast.

Yes. No, no, no. No other podcast involved. No other podcast. Yes. No, no, no. No other podcast involved. No other podcast. It's just us. Just Little Dumb Dumb Club. Just Little Dumb Dumb Club. Just a change of line-up.

No, no, no. Just us. Oh, that's great. We pull out at the last minute like Flirt. What if you just had different variations and at three o'clock we'll have the Dumb Dumb Club back again carl wearing a different hat yeah that's pretty much what it's going to be yeah yeah so that's that's the that's the idea that we're pushing at the moment uh uh we keep talking about it more people keep contacting me and us asking to be involved asking people are begging for dates to be confirmed at the moment i'm literally pitching uh different sponsors to try and make this more feasible for us to do.

Now, a bit of correspondence. This week, I had a private message on the Facebook page, on the Little Dumbbell Club Facebook page from someone, from a listener. Oh, yes. From a listener saying, pitching this idea. Hey, if I pay my own way over and get over there, if I pay my own way over and get over there,

pay my own way to come over and pitch in $1,000, can I be on the show? Yeah. Yeah. And the answer is yes, of course. I know what you guys will do for $1,000. But it's a risk worth taking for $1,000. Because all of a sudden that becomes a primary sponsor of the show. I know what you guys will do for a thousand. But it's a risk worth taking for a thousand dollars. Because all of a sudden that becomes a primary sponsor of the show. What's the problem that you set a precedent

and more people give you a thousand dollars? Well, see, now that's why... Imagine if this show every week, no comedians as guests, just listeners. Yeah. But we're just, we're rich. Like we're just making so much money. Welcome to Little Dumb Dumb Club open mic. Yeah. It's a bringer podcast.

Yeah, yeah. Now that's why I bring it up because my initial instinct was to go out of hand. No way, of course not. And then I literally said it out loud and then the other person said, so the answer is obviously yes. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's a good thing, isn't it? But I don't know. I mean there's twos and thro's about it, don't you think?

Well, here's how I feel. I would feel like getting to be on this show, is it worth $1,000? I would feel a little bit guilty about, you know, this guy paying us this money to be on the show because that's a dumb way to use money. But then I think if he's prepared to do this, well, then he's just going to sink $1,000

into something else dumb anyway. So why shouldn't, he's just going to probably put it on the fucking dogs or something. So why shouldn't we benefit off it? Exactly. Man, the amount of Greyhound fans that listen to Little Dumb Dumb is astronomical. When I'm not at the TAB

I'm listening to the live broadcast. Sure, Dapto are going to be $ thousand bucks down, but we'll be a K up. Eat that, Mike Baird. So, no, but you're right. So, I did think that. I think, oh, that's a bit rich. But then I was like, you know what? If he said it.

He wants to. If he said it, that means people put more money than that. They lose money all the time. Exactly. People put it into stocks and lose it on the market or people put it on gambling or people pay rent with it. Fucking hell. So why shouldn't we have it? And he's the one that said that amount.

So that means you don't say that unless you can lose it. What do you reckon this guy does? I don't know. But see, this is the next thing. Then I message him the next day And go Because I look at the message Listen up fuckhead

Make a two or fuck off So I message him the next day And I say And I look back at the message After I talk to someone And they go You're crazy You've got to take it

I look back at the message And notice that it was The message that was sent At 3am And I said Look Daisy, you've got to take it. I looked back at the message and noticed that it was the message that was sent at 3 a.m. And I said, look, I noticed that this was sent at 3 a.m. Was this a drunk message or is this a for real message? And the guy goes, well, look, to be honest, I did send you the message from a strip club.

I'm like, just another reason. Like he's obviously spending money there. Yes, there you go. He was effectively offering to stick that $1,000 into our G-string as he was typing that out. So he said, I was drunk, I was at a strip club, but offer still stands. In the light of morning, offer still stands.

But then he did give it a bit of a PS. Although if you're happy to receive less money than that, I would be happy with that as well. Oh, nice, nice. Okay. But it's interesting. Don't you think that's an interesting concept? Because I know what you're saying,

that might encourage more people to give us money. But is that a good or a bad thing? No, look, you have to decide whether you are playing long game or short game. Yes. Because if your podcast does devolve into pay for spot guests, then you're going to lose that passionate core fan base really quickly. Well, Ballard's done it a few times and that's worked out pretty well. What's that?

Ballard's done it a few times. Ballard's paid to be on the ads of this show. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But he does a great ad. He does do a great ad. Ballard's paid to be on the ads of this show. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But he does a great ad. He does do a great ad. He's good talent. He's good talent.

If any people who have hosted Q&A want to pay us to be on the show, sure. But this guy is some fuckhead in a strip club at three in the morning. It's a little bit different. Well, how long? Yeah. So he wants to be, I mean, yeah. Well, that's the other thing. Then you start

Asking the questions Well what does this entail What do you get for the Oh mate If you get to the end of the podcast And he says You didn't let me talk enough You're not getting your money

Like you know Yeah It's a You're right We need half up front We're going to need Half up front from him We need a guarantee

And do we want it In Australian dollars or bar Ooh Yeah But no But it brings up the questions like, you know, how long are you allowed to be on air for? Like, is this guy going to be like, you know, oh, of course I want to replace Chandler and it'd just be me and Tommy

for the whole podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is it a, you know, it's obviously not going to be a five-minute thing. You know, there's got to be rules and regulations. I mean, the other option is we get him on and we lose the recording. Yeah. Oh, I don't think we should be saying and regulations. I mean, the other option is we get him on and we lose the recording. Yeah. Oh, I don't think we should be saying this out. If that's what we're going to do, let's not say that out loud.

Also, I think it's great because it shows what price you guys do things for. Because, I mean, you guys both run very successful gigs. What if I was able to pay you guys $1,000 to headline? At one of our gigs? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Sure.

By all means. Yeah. Go for it. For $1,000 we'll do anything. Yeah, like that would pay for the low crowd numbers. Yeah, exactly. It would. Yeah, it would.

Totally. We wouldn't lose money on that. So wait, you're going to pay us $1,000. So what headline feed do you want for doing the gig? I think I'd also pay $1,000 to get a video of Carl's face reading that email. Like it's got the email subject like, hey, if I pay my own way and it's just got Carl's face going, here we go. And then it goes, I'll pay you $1,000 and then just watch his face just light up.

No, no, it wasn't like that though. Like I think more of this podcast. Initially I was like, no, no, no, I'm not doing this until, you know, then you start to go, oh, of course, at the moment I'm pitching companies and it's hard work to do it, to convince, because you've got to remember

how this sounds when you're going to big corporations going, hi, I do a podcast called The Little Dum Dum Club. We're going to Thailand. Can you pay for us to go there? I never say the name when i pitch to people i just leave that out yeah until it gets further so it's that hard and all of a sudden someone at random is going i will give you a thousand dollars it's like fuck that's a lot

easier than what i'm doing well look this guy this guy sent it from a strip club yeah at three in the morning yes he's paying you a thousand dollars to go to Thailand He's a big fan of the podcast What could go wrong? Yeah I want to know what he saw in the podcast In the strip club That reminded him That where he went

Oh I've been meaning to tell those guys That I'll pay a thousand dollars To be on the show No you know why He saw two big boobs And went oh Tommy and Carl I mean it's an awakening of a different kind Like, hang on, I've spent all my money on strippers

Yeah All my life Yeah I've got to turn my life around Maybe it's time to share it around And spend this on a podcast Yeah So, yeah, he's been giving money to people that are, you know

Have no qualifications or particular skills That are just flailing around on a stage and then thought, why not give it to two other people like that? Now, I know why you've brought this up. You've brought this up for content and also I think there's a part of you thinking other listeners are going to hear this and go, hey, maybe I can pay to be on the show. No, I wasn't.

Really? It's a genuine question. Well, I think that's just a very happy coincidental by-product of you bringing it up. Maybe some other people will write in. Like I said, I'm genuinely in a quandary with whether this is a good idea or a bad idea because

on top of that, once I got swung around to the idea, then I talked to a friend of the show, Lima, and went, oh, this has happened. What do you think about this? Is this an idea? And he was like, yeah, I've done a lot of radio where we've had people like that involved. You just want to be very careful. Very careful.

You want to screen anyone involved. There's insurance ideas to do with this. Yeah, that's true. That's true. There's a lot of things you've got to look into first because all of a sudden, you know, you've got someone on your podcast that's like just fucking it up and smacking you in the head with a fucking pot and pan and going, well, I paid $1,000.

But you're getting $500 each. Cool. Yeah, right. You know, to be honest, I reckon it almost needs to be like an in-kind payment just to avoid all of the nightmares of of of being paid actual money it needs to be something like this guy provides a thousand dollar right like he puts a thousand dollar tab at the hotel resort bar and restaurant okay that's how he pays you otherwise you're getting into all sorts of weird issues yeah i reckon you know like like because as soon as

somebody is like is he hiring you as contractors or reckon, you know, like because as soon as somebody is, like is he hiring you as contractors or are you, you know what I mean? Right. Like you've got to define the terms of a payment. Right. What does being hired mean? But it is true. Like this podcast needs to be people volunteering their time.

Otherwise, if somebody gets hurt doing the podcast, you're liable. It needs to be like just a collection of friends getting together to do something free. As soon as somebody's paying somebody anything, you've got all those – I'm boring myself but like I reckon if you're going to end up having food and drinks at the resort anyway, like it's that kind of thing. It needs to be a gift. We need to whack in a lot more allegedly and hypothetically

into what we're doing. Just before I started doing comedy, maybe right around the time I started, I went to see Dave Callen at the Comedy Festival with my dad in a room downstairs at the Victoria Hotel. And about three quarters of the way through, my dad leans in and goes, wow, this is so great. Thanks for bringing me along to this show. I've been loving this.

And then Dave was like swinging the mic around on stage and the microphone came off the cord and hit my dad in the foot and hurt him quite badly. And when we were walking out, he was like limping and he's like, do you reckon we could sue him? Hey, that guy I thought was really great. Let's ruin his life. Let's take him to the cleaners.

But now being on the other side of it, you have to get like insurance to like... Yeah, you're not allowed to perform if you can't cover for somebody getting hurt. Yeah. But I reckon there'd probably be something you hadn't noticed in your public liability insurance that has something like, you know, don't throw any objects from stage.

Yeah. You know, so your insurance company – Don't go to Thailand. Pretty much. Yeah. I'm only saying this to you, Claire, because you guys might have been put in this position but I highly doubt it. Go on.

Because I've never been paid $1,000 to do anything, surprisingly. Surprisingly. I don't know why. You've done ads, mate. Yeah, I know. Well, that's the thing. But what – has someone tried to pay you like $1,000 to do something, you know,

because you've been on TV and stuff like that? Are you trying to book Claire for this Bucks party later on this afternoon? No, but what's a weird thing that you've – has anybody offered you like a large amount of money and you've gone – That's made me – Like, and you go, no, that's just weird. You know what I mean? They're like, oh, I want you to walk around in a weird suit. That thing or like, you know what I mean?

Oh, lovely. I've won the lottery. Now I can make all my dreams come true. It's a really good question and I'm struggling to answer it. Hey, Claire Hooper, put this tuxedo on. It's a good question phrased very poorly. What you just said, indecent proposal. That's what's going on with our story. That's what it is.

I just want one night with Tommy and Carl. Yes! Robert Redford wants his way with Demi and more over here. Shit-ass proposal. I can't, I actually reckon I've blocked a lot of those memories and I

yeah, I'm trying to think, you know, because early in your career you get offered things like oh, you know, we're doing this big event and we want people to greet people dressed in, you know, like in, I don't know, like in purple dark suits or something. And so I've done things like that, like weird just being in the room in a weird outfit. And then, of course, I've done heaps of corporates.

Like early in your career it's like, hey, can you do some comedy for 250 bucks in the corner of this party and don't? But I've done them. Yeah. But nothing. Yeah, I've not. Yeah, I don't think I've had anything newsworthy. I know the sort of thing you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you come to my birthday party and just be you or can you, you know, like. can you come to my birthday party and just be you or can you, you know, like. I'm still wondering if I'll ever get to the place of being secure enough to be offered something and say absolutely not. Like at this point I still think there's nothing that I could be asked to do that I'd go no way. There's nothing where you go there's no price. That's what you're saying. Like there'd be a price for anything for you.

Surely there'd be things where you'd be like, no, you're not offering me enough to do that. Well, yeah, yeah. But I mean more like in terms of like say it was an ad for something that I was like, oh, that's a bit dodgy or being asked to do. Because I just think even if it was like being asked to do the most fucked thing, you've always got the security of this where I go, yeah, but imagine being able to talk about that on the podcast

the week after. That does come into my head. I'll get offered some things and go, I don't want to do that. And then I go, because it sounds fucked. and then I go, because it sounds fucked. But then I go, but because it sounds fucked, maybe I should do it so I can talk about it. Oh, yeah, right. Now, yeah, I've enjoyed turning things down.

And sometimes I can't even really afford to. But, man, it makes you feel rubbish when you do something that is like off-brand or you don't feel kind. If you feel ethically compromised by it or the person giving you the money is just a complete arsehole. Like you carry that shit feeling around for ages. I just don't think it's worth it. So I'd rather not quite have the grocery budget one week

and not do a really shit thing. Yeah, I just can't see myself ever getting that. Yeah, right. I'm just thinking about those groceries. I've pushed back on some things, yeah. Well, one time a weird thing happened to me, like a real weird thing, because I don't, like I acted in some stuff, but, you know, like it's always been paid, you know, at the wage, like either below

or minimum wage, you know, at the wage, like either below or minimum wage. You know what I mean? Like an ad got quite a fair bit of stuff but nothing, you know what I mean? I haven't really acted in anything. And I remember I was seeing this girl and it was a Friday night and I said, look, I'll take you to this cocktail party. My friend, he's a director guy and, you know, we'll have this mad cocktail party. And I said, I don't have any money till nine o'clock.

And she's like, oh, it's cool, I'll buy you beers. And then I was like, okay, cool. And then I took her to this cocktail party. We had a great time and then I met this other director guy and he's like, oh, man, I know you. I wanted to cast you in something but I thought you'd be too expensive. And then I just spat my drink everywhere. you in something but I thought you'd be too expensive.

And then I just spat my drink everywhere. I was like, mate, do you know how fucking much I need money right now? I'll do your ad for a beer now. Please never assume that again. I added him on Facebook. It's not don't you know who I am, it's

don't you know how shit I am? Don't you know who I'm not? Don't you know how thirsty I am? Please, yeah, yeah. Don't you know who I'm not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you know how thirsty I am? Please, never, ever. Yeah, it was heartbreaking. Wow. Very heartbreaking, yeah. And did you end up getting the work out of it?

No. So he was just making polite small talk. No, you had his assistant there and they said both the same thing. And this is how desperate I was. I added both him and his assistant on Facebook the next day I was like look guys before you go to my agent just send me a line as well from now on you can see my timeline full of all the shitty things I ever do so you know I've got absolutely no standards and what happened with the girl uh yeah yeah still having a good time what what does that mean you

know you know still having a good time still seeing her now does that mean? You know, you know, still having a good time. You're still seeing her now? Well, you never know. Yeah. Well, you do.

Well, I don't know. You do need this dating app. Yeah, people from this dating app are going to need a bit more of a clear,

concise message. His message is, look at my tits. Yeah, yeah. My message is, look, if you're a girl out there who can buy me drinks before 9 o'clock, then you definitely… And you get to cash in from 9 p.m. onwards.

Yeah. Why was money going through at 9 o'clock? I don't know. What banks work like that? Yeah, it's my bank does. 9 a.m. or p.m.? P.m. Oh, yeah, that's weird.

It either comes in in the morning or at night. This is great content. Things either come into my bank account in the morning or at night. So 9pm is still early enough in the night where there was no reason for you to tell her this. You could have just said, let's meet at like 8.45, just near the venue, get there, do a bit of mingling, and then boom, the money's come through and you're never going to have to admit to her that you're a fucking bum. Well, yeah, I wanted to do that.

But then she wanted to come and see me at a gig before it. Okay. So, yeah, I have one free drink token. But you get paid for it. And I saved that for her. Oh, wow. Romeo. Yeah, I know.

Great. Yeah, I'm a bit old-fashioned when it comes to those things. So what I'm getting out of this is, at the very least, the idea of us having a list, give us $1,000 to being on the show. I'm going to put myself out there and go it's a yes from you. Yeah, I reckon so. Because, look, some gigs you will get paid an amount of money Just to put up with shit for an hour

Yes And I mean, a thousand dollars I mean, look, if this guy is probably listening now There's a really good chance he's listening I hope so I actually hope so, yeah If he's putting a thousand bucks into being on the show And then can't even be fucked listening to it

Yeah, it dips in and out That's not what you want. Actually, man, if you are listening now, don't hold back. I think it's worth it. Look, even if it's not like we have to set a precedent here and be doing it every week. If we do it with this guy and it's awful, well then

we just talk about it and then it's a lesson for the future. Like all those other things you said you were dubious on, it could be good content for the show. Because A Thousand Bucks, that's literally just about a return trip for me and you to go there. Yeah, pretty much.

Here's how you go. If it's really bad, right? You play the first 20 minutes. You play the first 20 minutes and then you're like, alright, if we don't play the rest of this we don't get the thousand bucks. If you guys don't want to hear the rest of minutes and then you're like, all right, if we don't play the rest of this, we don't get the $1,000. If you guys don't want to hear the rest of this, then you've got to donate $1,000.

Otherwise, next week's podcast is the entirety of this guy. Not bad. Like you just do a call to action. The rest of the listeners have to speak with their dollars if they don't want. So everybody has to pitch him $5 just to never hear the rest of it. Or you take his money. Right. Just a hostage situation. Actually, I forgot to ask this.

That could not have – yeah, there could be no bad repercussions from that in terms of listener drop-off. I forgot to ask this. Is this guy an open mic comedian? I don't know. Because, I mean – I hope not. Since when open micers have a thousand bugs?

Sorry? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, that's a good question. Actually, often, I reckon. Go on. You are. Because you are opening up a door for potential guys who want to sell a few more tickets at a festival or something. Yeah, accelerate their comedy careers by the big boom that you get by being on this podcast.

That's a good point. That's a good point. Because I would rather have a random than an open mic comedian. In any situation, actually. Yeah, pretty much. Yay, we were all open micers once. Never. I was a pro straight away.

Yeah. All right, guys, we've got to wrap it up there. That's all the time we've got for the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week. Nick Capper, Claire Hooper, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks, guys. Good luck. Good luck with your careers. God bless you.

You both have stuff coming up. Claire, you're starting a show in Perth. I'm doing this week in Perth. Thank you. Yep. I believe you start the day this comes out. Yeah. And the dates would be? 25th, 27th, 28th of January. That's in Perth. I'm doing Melbourne Comedy Festival, obviously, but

if you're in Perth, come out this week. Wait, 25th, 27th and 28th. Yeah. Not doing a Saturday. Skipping Australia Day. come out this week. Wait, 25th, 27th and 28th. Yeah. Not doing a Saturday. Skipping Australia Day. Very progressive. Yeah.

Well. Is that deliberate? Yeah, absolutely it's deliberate. Perth's a mess on Australia Day. I'm going to hide inside. Sure. I love it. I was there last Australia Day and it was a bedlam.

It was like Mad Max. Like it was an apocalypse. You said that about everything. Have you ever seen another movie? Do you just hang out with Mel Gibson all day? Is that why everything's like Mad Max to you? Look, the only time I've seen anything else as apocalyptic was a Bucks night in the country.

I mean, you could compare Perth to that. Hang on, out of those two situations, which Mad Max was which? Like, was one of them Beyond Thunderdome? Was one of them the remake? Yeah, I think, like, the Bucks party, that was the second one. What's that one? Mad Max 2. Mad Max 2, yeah.

I believe that's the second one. Mad Max 2, back in the habit. And then, yeah, Perth was definitely beyond Thunderdome. Tina Turner was there. Yeah, Tina Turner. Singing at Advance Australia Fair. Yes. Claire, yeah, you've also got shows in Melbourne

at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yeah, please come and see it. Familiar. Comedy.com.au is where people can find all that stuff. Oh, thanks, Deslo. I know my URLs. Kappa, what have you got? You've got a show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival?

Yes, yep. It's called Chrome Doggy. So if it's as funny as the name, we'll see how it goes. Very Mad Maxian, I believe. Early reviews pointing to. It is, actually. It's a little bit Mad Max. Is it really?

It's a bit apocalyptic, yeah, yeah. Great, great. Like all the world's been wiped of jokes. Yeah, actually. It's a little bit Mad Max. Is it really? It's a bit apocalyptic, yeah, yeah. Great, great. Like all the world's been wiped of jokes. There is something that is referenced to that, actually. Great. We've got all our stuff on sale, our solo shows, our Adelaide podcast is coming up. Brisbane is all sold out.

Our Melbourne live podcast. Brisbane, the best. You're gone. You're all gone. Adelaide, we don't have the same problem. The Roast of Dilruk Jai Singer during the Melbourne Comedy Festival is on sale now, April 14th.

But yeah, heaps of Melbourne people come out to, you know, come and see Hoops, come and see Cap, definitely come and see us. We've got, my show is Carl Chandler World's best comedian in the world.

Yeah, my favourite title so far. And my, well, Hold Your Horses, my show, Dinner for Two. Ooh. It, my favourite title so far. Well, hold your horses. My show Dinner for Two. It's a good one, Carl. So still tickets left for the live podcast in Melbourne, like Tommy said, for the

roast of Dilawruk Jaya Singer. And of course we've got the drunk cast after all that. But yeah, we've got t-shirts. Go to our website. It's got everything. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com, all the stuff you'll need for that. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.