The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 331 - Daniel Sloss & Anne Edmonds

Episode Date: February 6, 2017

Lost T-Shirts, Year 12s and Red Bowls.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That's right everyone, welcome to the dessert section of the Little Dum Dum Club first once again. The best bit! So, dessert for breakfast? Yeah. Okay. We're eating icing off a cake for breakfast. That's what this is. It's so rich, it's so sugary and full of content, we put it up front.

It's going to spoil your dinner for later on. It's going to spoil the proper podcast. And what would the podcast equivalent of licking the beaters be? That's giving either of us a rim job. Sure, I never used to like to lick the beaters, but now I do. It sounds great. Now that it's got this cool analogy. We have got shows coming up all over the country.

Saturday, March the 4th, we are going to be in Adelaide doing a big double live episode. What do you think about that? Awesome guests. We've got, yeah, two episodes. Like we've said before, this is probably the best time to see big name guests. Like we've worked out the people who were there, the people who are going to be on the podcast are going to be – we've got an awesome selection.

Yes, yes. That's going to be huge. People buying tickets to that. That's going to be heaps of fun. A Saturday afternoon and then we'll be jackassing around afterwards. Yep. That's it. The Rhino Room in Frome Street in Adelaide. Yes. Just before it gets knocked down.

Good to give the street name. We need to start tying that into the plugs. Putting the street names of all the places in. 13 Frome Street. Very good. I've typed it into our posters enough that I know it off by heart. Yeah, very good. Then we go to Brisbane on March the 18th.

And you can get your tickets from fucking nowhere because it's sold out. Do you reckon people are scalping our tickets? Oh, fuck. Do you reckon anyone's put one up on eBay?

Please, someone do that. Why don't we put one up on eBay? Oh, okay. All right. Let's sell one more ticket and make it. Yeah, fuck. You know what?

Let's do that. Let's sell one more ticket, put it on our website and let's make what? Let's do that. Let's sell one more ticket, put it on our website, and let's make it. How much do we make it? Well, let's start the bidding off at what it costs usually and then put it as an auction for a week. Oh, okay. See how much people want it. All right.

That's a good idea. Yeah, okay. That's a good idea. Scalp our own ticket. Yes. All right, I like it. I like it. Excellent.

So that's coming up, yeah up Saturday, March the 18th. Only one ticket left, everyone. Getting quick. Get your checkbooks out. We'll put the link to that on social media. We'll put it on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Generally not good to support the scalping industry, but I think if the call is coming from inside the house.

Most of it's coming back to the performer in this case. I hope we don't get raked too hard for those bloody eBay fees. What are the eBay fees? I don't know how it works, but you do pay a little bit of money for having the auction. I don't think I've ever sold anything on eBay. Well, first time for everything. What a way to Christian the little dum-dum club eBay account.

To Christian it. Yeah. Why did I say that? Christian. Christian. So then we start a month-long residency Sundays during April at the European Beer Cafe. Very carefully worded. Tiptoeing around, deliberately not saying two specific words that are available to me.

Who knows? Who knows what they would be? Every Sunday in April, our huge live shows that we do around that time every year. April. April. Yeah. That's what you mean, isn't it? Yeah.

That's only one word. It's not April. You said you were tiptoeing around two words. Easter happens and then we just kind of party for a month, you know? We just decided to pick April this year, didn't we? Okay, cool. Totally. Four shows in then we just kind of party for a month. We just decided to pick April this year, didn't we? Okay, cool.

Four shows in a row. Hope there's some guests around. Well, who knows? Well, I know. There will be. Is the Grand Prix on then? Yes, let's get Ralph Schumacher in.

Elaine Prost, is he in town? Let's get him in. So those are going to be awesome. We've got some scenes. Jenson Button will be on the show. He won't.

We get it. You know the names of Formula One drivers. We are going to be, yeah, selling tickets to that. Season passes are sold out. We've got scant few tickets left to individual shows. They're quickly disappearing. And any of those tickets is going to get you into the drunk cast on the... Well, hopefully.

Well, hopefully, yeah. On the final night, after the final Sunday, the Sunday the 23rd of April. The final Sunday of April. The final Sunday of our residency. Of April, yeah. Or whenever it is. So yeah, guys, get on that. Awesome, awesome response from you guys already. You know what we're doing. Those Melbourne

shows are always super fun. And on one of those dates in April is the Dilruch Jai Singer roast. April the 14th. April 14th, Friday night, late night gig, 11pm. Ideal time if you want to come and see Tommy and my show. It will be our shows in a row and then straight into the roast. Well, so there's the roast of Dilruch Jai Singer. That's just an event that we're putting on April the 14th.

Yes. And then this month, while all these shows are going on... Yes. ...you and I are also doing solo shows as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Ah, there we go. Yes. Right. Great.

So, yeah, we're doing shows for the whole comedy festival, you and me. Our solo show is Back to Back 8.15. Cal Chandler, world's best comedian in the world yes uh i know your show title better than you sure do and then immediately afterwards 9 30 p.m tommy dasolo in dinner for two and so yeah this is the first year where you can come and see us do solo hours of comedy plus on the sundays our shows are earlier uh they're after the live podcast that we're doing yeah very convenient because the podcasts are on 3 o'clock on the Sundays and then my solo show is on 4.15 and then yours is 5.30 straight afterwards.

I think mine's 6 because I anticipate all those things blowing out and mine definitely not starting at 5.30. Right. Okay. Fair enough. So, hey, we tried to make it easier for you guys this year. So if you want to see our shows with the pod, it's easy. If you want to see our shows with the roast, that's easy as well.

Great. And what else do we have to plug? We've also got the Patreon, right? Yeah, we've got the T-shirts and everything on sale. Always go to littledonaldclub.com to find out all the bullshit. Very quickly, you know, the Thailand tour, the Thailand show is still on. We've got a little bit more info within this episode. But it is, look, have we said the date before?

At the moment, it's May 31. We're going to go. Can't do it. Can't do it, May 31. You're busy. What happened? That reminds me, if you're not on Facebook and whatever, we made a little video like a week or two ago.

We spent an afternoon filming a little thing, so go and have a look at that. I would describe it, Carl, as being an example of the form of sketch comedy. Oh, okay. How would you describe it? Do we do that now? Is that what we're into? Yeah.

We're bigger than Aunty Donna. Oh, huge. Yeah. Great. We're bigger than only foolsools and Horses. Is that a thing? That's a narrative. That's not a sketch show.

I've never seen it. Oh, no. It's all right. You're Rodney and I'm Del Boy. Okay. They're characters in that show. Cool. So go and have a look at that.

But, yeah, like you said, hey, Patreon subscribers, thank you so much, guys. It tends to grow a little bit every month. So thanks, guys, for getting on board. You get, obviously, a lot of bonuses, a lot of little gifts, a lot of thank yous for chucking in your little money as you guys are thanking us for doing a little show. We do a magazine.

We do a bonus episode, big chunk of content for you. And, of course, over a certain amount of money, you get your little names read out. Now, people are starting to jerry on to this. I do meet people IRL that say, I would put in but I don't want my name read out. Oh, okay. So I don't know why.

Why don't people want their names read out? Have you listened to what we do to people's names? But aren't people into that? I don't know. Some people are. It's just like super great stuff to me. But so some people are gearing on to it. So we have a couple of, I would guess, I don't want to put it out there too hard,

but I would guess that some of these names have been altered already. Okay. By the… But we can only work with what we're given. Yeah. I don't want to offend anyone. So in case I say this name and it's your real name don't take offence it just seems like

it seems like it could be a fake name some of these okay so we'll have an example we'll hit me let's have an example let's see what you got

thank you to Patreon subscriber Mike Cock anyway ah anyway now we've got that out of the way let's do one of the fake ones

so yeah Mike so someone's put in Mike Cock Mike Cock I mean I want to tread carefully here Let's do one of the fake ones So Yeah Mike So someone's put in Mike Cock Mike Cock I mean I want to tread carefully here Because I mean

Yeah We don't need to say any Like By us just making the jokes About like This must be fake I mean if it's not That's already worse

Than anything we could say That's what I mean Mike Cock Yeah I mean that could be A very common name I mean it sounds very ethnic Doesn't it I mean if your last name a very common name. I mean, it sounds very ethnic, doesn't it?

I mean, if your last name's Cock, don't call your kid Mike. Or if your first name's Mike, don't get married to a lady with a last name Cock and insist on changing your surname to her. Oh, I thought you were going to say, if your name's Mike, don't be born to two parents with the last name cock. Also very good lesson. Good advice for any fetuses out there listening to the show. Yeah.

And thanks for chucking in this Patreon if you are a fetus. Thanks, Mike. Thanks, Mike. Yeah, their email didn't really have my cock in the name of it. That's a bit of a dead giveaway. That's a bit of a giveaway. A little bit. So who's next? little bit suspicious. That's a bit of a dead giveaway. That's a bit of a giveaway. A little bit.

So who's next? Another fake one? Potentially fake one? Mike Pussy? No. Obviously another fake one. Thank you to Patreon subscriber

if this is your real name. Christian Magnano. Good one. You got us Christian. Christian Christian Magnano. Yeah. Thank you for magnanomously giving us a bittersweet coin.

I was going to try and do that one, but I realised I don't know what magnanimous means and guessing on the very vague way that you used it, I'm going to guess that you don't know what it means either. I think that's a good way of using it. Okay. I think that's magnanimous means – I think it means – oh, fuck. Man, people on social media are going to fucking pill me for this.

I think it means you're sort of – it's very good of you to do that. Okay. You should be sort of proud. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You're sort of proudly doing it. That sounds good. Okay. Okay. You're, yeah, yeah. You're sort of proudly doing it. That sounds good.

Yeah. I would have gone with maybe like Magneto from the X-Men. Yeah, that's what it means. You know? You are trying to kill Wolverine. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. Magneto-miss Lee. Yes. Thanks, Christian. Thanks, Chrissy. This guy or girl. Oh, God. Now, this is, this is Initial reading I thought this was fake

But then I looked through it like four times And I couldn't figure out anything dirty to do with it Okay alright Thank you to Farmy Balgahom Farmy F-A-H-M-Y

Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Farmy Belgahom Farmy

Farmy Belgahom Farmy Belgahom I mean if your last name's Belgahom Don't call your kid Farmy Farmy Belgahom We're not laughing at your name That's a lovely name Yeah

I had a cat called Farmy Belgahom It's very It's very unique. Yeah. It's very pleasant sounding. There's a lot of different things going on in there. But you know what? Just having the word, you know, the M-Y at the end of it,

you just go, hang on. Farmy. What's this? Oh, so my. Yeah, Farmy. Farmy Belgahom. And then you're going, is there a way that they can think Belgahom is an arsehole or something? Belga And then you're going Is there a way That they can Think Belga Homies

Is an asshole Or something Imagine if they've Imagine if they thought This is like an amazing Fake name And they're just They're livid now

That we don't get it You know what I mean They sent this in Thinking they were Getting us real good And they're listening To us stumble over it Going Farmy

It's like No it's It's phonetic It's Felch my anus Yeah yeah yeah Well you got us, guys. We're stumped. We don't know what the fuck's going on.

Thanks, Farmy. Thanks, Farmy. Assuming, let's take this at face value. Yeah. Thanks, Farmsy. Yeah, thanks. I mean, if you've deliberately made up a fake name to not make sense. Yes.

That's also not a bad trick because we don't know what the fuck is happening. Where is it going? Is it Danish? Yeah. Thank you to Kevin kevin though this is a lot easier kevin co kevin co yeah how do you coe no ko ko yeah okay kevin co coaches i like it yeah kk yeah very much kk very much kk ko literally kk for K.O.ing our bank account with a big sweet punch of cash. Nice.

In the words of another famous Kevin, Big Kev, I'm excited by how much money we now have. In the words of another famous K.K.K. Yes, what words? Thanks for putting our bank account into the black. I mean, we were barren. We were just getting around in white sheets because that was all we could afford clothing-wise. And now we get to dress ourselves.

Warm ourselves by the fire that we'd burnt with a big cross on a church. We were skint and you've come and helped us. I'm putting a big cross next to this content. That's for sure. I'm going to murder a black man. Thanks Kev. Oh fuck. So

back to the fake name. Again, look if this is your last name, no offence to your family, thank you to Patreon subscriber Johnny Rocketfingers. Is that hyphenated?

No, it's not. It's not. It's just all one word. Johnny Rocketfingers. Johnny Rocketfingers. Well, I feel like I'm getting a big old rocket fingering up my date right now with this piece of content that's been handed my way. I thought you were going to say,

I thought you'd given yourself a big old Johnny Red Rocket through thinking of all the cash. Yeah, nice. That's good. Going into our pockets. That's good. Yeah. Thanks, Johnny. You no longer have to play with the coins in your pockets.

You can play with your Johnny Rocket. Is this the next evolution? Do you remember that restaurant Johnny Rockets on Chapel Street? Yes. Is this somehow connected to that, do you think? Yes. You know? I think it definitely is.

It's all the money that they've earned from jumping up on the counter and dancing on the hour every hour. And they've sent us fucking two bucks or whatever it is. Or do you think it's like that chain of restaurants closed down? So old Johnny is now having to make money by taking people around the back in the alleyway and just giving him a quick, you know, how's your father? Yeah, giving him a quick two-finger discount. One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock.

No, one, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, cock. Thanks, Johnny. Done it again. All right, one more. We've got again Alright one more We've got time for one more Have we? One more One last one

Alright Now another one Again Not sure if this is fake or not I mean Rocket Fingers Pretty silly Bit silly

Okay Let's try Alright Thank you to Patreon subscriber First name Adelaide That's a girl's name? Yeah.

Adelaide? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We all on board so far? It's a nice name. 100% of us in the room right now are on board. Yeah.

Nice name. Nice name. I mean, it is a girl's name. Very pretty. Yeah. It's nice to have a girl on board in the Patreon read again. Definitely. Yeah.

First name, Adelaide. Second name, buy some fucking tickets. Typhonated. Typhonated. Hang on. Typhonated. I didn't read it. The next bit. Adelaide, buy some fucking tickets. Typhonated. Typhonated. Hang on. Typhonated. I didn't read it at the next bit.

LA, buy some fucking tickets, hyphen, you cunts. Oh, okay. I mean, if your last name is buy some fucking tickets, you cunts. No. If your last name is buy some fucking tickets, don't get married to someone with a last name you cunts. Pretty much goes for anyone that you, no matter what your name is, don't marry someone with the last name you cunts.

Yeah, yeah. Good advice. Look, the one good thing is they've named their daughter Adelaide. Like that's actually a pretty name. Well, here's something I've rarely said on the podcast before, but thanks Adelaide. And thanks Mr and Mrs Buy Some Fucking Tickets. You cunts. And thanks Mr. and Mrs. Buy Some Fucking Tickets. You cunts.

You cunts. For getting together and making such a beautiful young lady who was so generous. Yeah. So generous. LittleDumbDumbClub.com or Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub if you want to go direct to the Patreon and give us some of your goddamn money. Guys, go out there and buy a ticket. Come and see us at a live show coming up in the next couple of months. We're really looking forward to them.

We've got some great guests locked in already. Book your little start of June aside if you want to go for a little holiday because, you know what, if you live in – oh, well, if you live in anywhere in Australia, you know what, this is the time of year when the cold hits. Yes. Now, I go away this week every year because, you know what happens? I get over there and everyone in Melbourne is on Facebook going,

fucking shit here now it's cold here you're going to be one of those lucky son of a bitches winter getaway it's good it's good when you plan it in so yeah guys all the information littledumbdumbclub.com buy a t-shirt buy a ticket thanks so much for checking out the show and enjoy this week's

episode with Anne Edmonds and Daniel Sloss it's a really good one yeah episode with Ann Edmonds and Daniel Sloss. It's a really good one. Yeah. Hey, mates. Welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

Now, you've talked frequently on the show before about being harassed on the main road near your house. Yes. I never have it happen to me. Although, I'm often, when I walk down the street, I have headphones on. So, I think it happens to me a lot, but I just don't notice it. Like, I dare say I've been called a cunt out of a moving vehicle many, many times and just living in blissful ignorance. You're lucky I don't live near you.

Yeah. Well, I was walking down the street near my house the other day and this car kind of starts to crawl alongside me and this lady kind of like leaning out the window goes tommy i've just had to tell my husband on the phone how starstruck i am and she's doing this she's kind of slowly crawling along in traffic like holding up all the cars behind her going i don't know whether to offer you a lift or to call you a cunt out of this window or, and anyway, now I've run out of time. And by this point, she's kind of cleared me and she's like, anyway, see you, mate. And just drove off.

It was very nice. Nice. I could have gotten a lift if I wanted. Welcome to my world. Yeah. What's it, so you've, does that blow your mind having anything like a nice experience in that way? Yeah, yeah.

I don't, I don't get a lot of it. Yeah. I get the last bit. I don't get a lot of it. Yeah. I get the last bit. I don't get the first bit. So, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess people are figuring out where you live now. Is that what's happening?

Because I've said I was near a main road. No. Well, I don't know. I just cop it a lot where I live because I feel like people have figured it out. But I don't know whether they've figured where you live at. Well, okay. That specific lady, if she's listening to this, I assume she, well, you'd hope she is. Yeah.

Where you yelled at me, that lady, you were right in my house. Oh, wow. So go door knocking in the area and you'll find me. Right. Update the Wikipedia page. Good. I also had a guy last night behind me in the line at an ice cream shop. He, as I was paying, he lent in and he went, no, no, no, I'm going to get this.

Oh, fuck. As a thank you for all the free content. Fucking hell. How good's that? Lead with that story. So if you can't subscribe to the Patreon or come to a live show, let's just broadcast places that we like eating and fans can come and hang out there and then they can say their thanks by buying us a meal.

Christ. Free ice cream? Fucking hell. Yeah. Pretty good. Oh, now I'm pissed off. Now you're angry. Yeah.

All right. Let's get our guests in here. First of all, you know her from Fancy Boy. Please welcome back in the little Dunlop Club, Anne Edmonds. Hello. Yeah. Here I am. And, Tom, are you giving me a bit of a bonus today? I'm upskirting you right now.

Yeah, a bit of a rip in the crotch, isn't it? A bit of a rip in the crotch, yeah. Delicious. Yeah, right up there. Giving you a bit a rip in the crotch. Yeah, delicious. Yeah, right up there. Giving you a bit of free ice cream over there. Yeah, yeah. I just noticed this the other day and I thought, I reckon I've got maybe a week before this becomes too visible where I have to go and buy a new pair.

Or they become a lovely pair of denim shorts. Pretty close, yeah. Really high up ones. You've got a week before both scoops drop out or maybe the cone. Bit of cookies and cream. Both scoops drop out. Or maybe the cone. Bit of cookies and cream.

Also joining us, you may have seen him on the popular US television program Conan. What of it? Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Daniel Sloss. I would also like to start off with the apology and the explanation of not wearing the Little Dumb Dumb shirt on the Conan show. Yes. The first time I promised you, it was your fault the first time. Okay, let's give a bit of backstory of this because I don't think Edo fully knows this story

and maybe some of the listeners don't. So you, about a year ago, you were here for the comedy festival and you were saying, I'm going to wear one of your, I'm aware of the little dum-dum club t-shirts. Because Ballard wore it on the gala and I was like, anything that turns into a competition, I can fucking beat that. Well, you turned it into the competition, to be fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll finish it as the competition, too. That's how I work. I start the competition and I finish it the second I win. It's done. And I was going to wear it. I got the clearance to wear it on the fucking... Oh, really?

I did, for the seventh one. They were like, yeah, absolutely. And then you guys failed to send it. What we did do was we sent it to Becky Lucas. She gave us her address. Somehow she got her fucking address wrong. That doesn't suck. Because wait, so this was when you were still in the country. You were in Sydney by this point.

Yes. You were like, send it to Becky. I'm going to be seeing her. Yeah. Becky gets her own address wrong. Yes. So it gets returned weeks and weeks later. So then I send it to your Edinburgh address. Already gone. Yeah, already gone. So it just goes to your mum. Yeah. So then we send it. No, I don't live with my mum. That's a

vicious rumour. I'm very successful. Mummy's got it. I'm so used to talking. Mummy's aware. I'm so used to talking to Melbourne comics. They all live with their mums. You're not doing the thing where you're like, man, I'm just on the road so much. It just makes more financial sense to live with my mum.

Save up to buy a house, you know. So then I send it to your address in LA and then it gets a slightly wrong address or something happens like that and you get it like a couple of days late. So we fucked that up royally. We fucked up. And then I was absolutely going to wear this tie.

And by the way, that means three shirts have been sent out all around the fucking world. I still only have one of them though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This little caper, because to get it to you in LA in time for you to do Conan earlier in the year, we went to the post office and we had an option where we could send it where it would get there in like three days or it could definitely get there in one day.

And it was like double the cost. It was a hundred bucks. Fuck it. To be sure, to be absolutely certain we'll do this. And then it didn't make it in time yeah we have spent thousands of dollars on shirts that went

nowhere I was fully prepared I was going to wear it on this appearance on this podcast whoa yeah yeah I was tempted

to turn up with it and be like I told you I'd wear it somewhere high profile but this time there was basically there was a small chance that never

came through that after my spot that I was going to go on the couch with Conan and do a chat with him but because the timings and stuff

it didn't work out so they were just they were like if you're going on the couch we can't risk like it couldn't be worn on the couch but it could be worn

as the stand up and then the couch didn't yeah because then like I don't know why, but that was their specific rules. So next time I do it in June or July,

if there's no couch chat, I promise. Probably knowing you, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe when I do it in, oh. I like how you made that declaration going, you'd been on our podcast like twice at that stage. You're like, I'm going to fucking wear it on Conan. Cody's been on our show 50 times. He gets to go

on Conan. No discussion. No discussion of that happening. Yeah, but like if Cody did it, people would watch my Conan spot. So you're saying you had to like submit that to them for approval? Not even that. The guy that books Conan is just a good friend of mine.

Conan O'Brien. Yeah, Conan. I call him Corny. Corny 2012. Did you just say he's a good friend of yours? Not Conan, no. Conan's not. Well, he is, but the booker is, yeah. Is that why you're getting on?

I know you're a good comedian. It's a mixture of both. He booked me on. He's trying to say, how'd you get that? Yeah, who books this? First time I did it was he came to see my show, liked it, and he did the first spot. And then after that, because Conan was a big fan of mine,

it just kept happening more and more. And the more we hung out, we just decided that it became the point of, if I never do Conan again or if he leaves the show, me and him are still just worth, he's one of my best mates. that's nice. Yeah. What's he think of the shirt?

Cause he was, cause I took it in and I was like, can I wear this? He was like, yeah, cause it's black. He was like, as stand up,

it would be absolutely fine to wear on the show. More than happy for you to do it. That's the funny thing. It's so distracting. Like it's not a good thing to wear it again. But that's why, that's what, so that's what I had to push with him good thing to wear it again but that's why that's so that's what i had to push with him but he like the guy that books got is the he's the one that

lets me do any material like the time this time i was doing i was like what jokes you want me to do and i sent him through some stuff he's like why don't you just do the stuff about how you wish your ex-girlfriend was dead oh and i was like oh like i sent him through 20 minutes of like clean stuff and he was like no no no do the fucking horrible stuff and he was like, no, no, no, do the fucking horrible stuff. And I was like, all right. He's a great booker. He'll let me do anything, which is why he's like, yeah, totally wear the fucking shirt.

See if I care. Fuck, he's picking your material and your material by the sound of it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So does he, well, how about this? So the shirt is distracting, but it says, I'm aware of Little Dumb Dumb Club. So how about this?

You wear that during your standup. Then when you get on the couch, you get a tie in your back pocket. Just whack that over the... Yeah, that's formal. I don't wear ties. I'm not one of those fucking comics. Now, this is great. So for people that are planning on doing this in April,

we are doing the official roast of Dilruk Jai Singer. Yum, yum. Whatever is the date of it again. April 14th. April 14th, Friday night, late night gig. And I put that up, officially put the poster out

and straight away, within five minutes, you, Daniel Sosko, has this been booked out yet? Can I get on? Because I've never done a Rose, but I came to your Rose last year and it was fucking hilarious.

I love that sort of stuff. And also, I know for a fact, I am the biggest cunt on this like everyone else is everyone else has a moment where they write a certain line they'll be like oh no i can't say that that's my friend or that's too far i don't have that in my head have you met the guy that you're talking to right now because i think he's your southern hemisphere equivalent. The north and the south poles right here. I'm desperate to do it because I love the roast.

I'm a big fan of this podcast. And also, I want to do, I reckon I can be clever because obviously there's obviously Delroy's a big fan of cunt jokes, which I'll have at least three of. Oh, fuck, that gives me an idea. I'll just write something down there but i want to i want to be clever with it because the the key to a roast is insulting people on stuff that on their insecurities that they're unaware that you know it's not about like obviously you can do your typical you know fat jokes and whatnot but i'm

going to go into his family history yeah i'm gonna work out what you did now you did request to get on and but not only that straight away you're like all right now give me some gear give me some stuff that other people yeah that's that's my hesitation about performing that well i don't want to learn anything i don't want to walk away from this thing knowing more about myself than when i went oh you're gonna you're gonna you're to look at rope and find a tent. I reckon Dilrach's slimming down. I reckon he's slimming down and he's doing it on purpose.

So April 14th is his date. And he's going to fuck you. He's going to turn up and he's going to be like a slim, fit unit and everyone's just going to be like, oh, you fuck. He does not have it in him. He has a lot of, you're fat. He does not have it in him. He has a lot of stuff in him, obviously, but he does not have that in him. I don't know.

I reckon. But that's why I'm not going for fat jokes. Because, look, he can always stop being fat, but he can never stop being incredibly lonely. Yeah, you are going to be the refreshing sorbet in this roast, I can say. This is going to be good. You're right, though, Anne, because I think he's been good lately

because he keeps hitting me up going, do you want to have lunch? And I go, great. You know what? I've had my eye on this place where it looks like they do burgers that are just completely fucked. Who better to go with than this man, Dilruk Jaising? I'll send him like a picture of their Instagram and go, let's check this place out.

And he's like, oh, I'm trying to – today's a day where I'm trying to eat this many calories, so let's just go get a salad. I'm like, don't you dare. Don't you hit me up for lunch and then be recommending that we, you know what you are, you know what you're packing. You know what I want out of this relationship. I want a guilt free friend that I can sit there with and just gorge and not

feel guilty about it. So yeah, but he's sticking to it. I think he's, yeah, I think he's going to show you. It could happen. Which is why this roast is so important because if we crush his spirit enough

and his hopes, then he'll go back to eating. Oh, yes, good. He might come in skinny, but I reckon we can give him enough of a complex. Yeah, but he does this thing where I do gigs with him and he will go, oh, I'm all being good and whatever, and then we finish the gig, it's midnight, and he goes, so what do you reckon? Do you want to go and get another dinner now? It's like, oh, no, you're fucking not taking this seriously.

Dirty double dinner. If you're eating dinner at midnight, you're not losing any weight. But also he's not drinking as well. So he used to drink a lot, so just cutting that out immediately. Yeah, that drops you a few. That's free second dinner. Yeah, but you know what? I fucking reckon there hasn't been a drop in the ocean yet.

I'm looking at him. He's not drinking anymore. He's been healthy. Fuck, I don't know what's happening. How good is this? It feels like we're gossiping about someone behind their back, but the mics are on and it's going out. It's going out to the listeners.

And also, tell them, like, well, listen to this. I'd be surprised if he wasn't outside the window right now. With a little cup on the wall. Yeah, yeah. Cup of gravy on the wall. So, Sloss, you're in the country. What have you got? You're out here for some big gig or you're an internationally touring comedian?

I got in last night and I leave in three days. Oh, so flying in for some big corporate or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cody's paying me to attend his wedding. You are in town for three days for the wedding just for the wedding

I've I've been told by five I've been privately contacted by five separate people and been told that no matter how funny I think it is I'm not allowed to object to the wedding which just makes it funnier I don't mind it I

don't mind it a good comedy objection now there was there was a Cody's plan was he was Funnier. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. A good comedy objection. Now, there was a... Cody's plan was he was going to have some sort of a roast in the wedding. I'm sure you've been told about it. You mean not to eat? No. Because yum.

Oh, well, it's him. So, yeah, to eat, probably. Yeah, no, but apparently there was going to be some roast aspect to the wedding. Really? Yeah, because Cody said to me, you know, and then we do the roast bit and then you say this and that. And I go, what? Hang on. Yeah, he mentioned that to me, you know, and then we do the roast bit and then you say this and that and I go, what? Hang on.

Yeah, he mentioned that to me too and he's not mentioned it since and I reckon either it's not happening or he's being a sneaky fuck and he's been around for weeks. It's now not happening because he said it to me the other day because he goes,

oh, by the way, the roasting's off and I'm like, good, because I wasn't taking part in any of that. Because that's one of those great things where I'm sure he thinks it's funny but then you get, you know those parties when you get there

and someone will say yeah all we want you to do is pull your pants down and then that'll be great and then you get there and no one wants that what's that one of those parties

I've never been to one of those parties no no I'm sorry what not exactly that but you know is that a party your stepdad used to have

yeah enough about your 30th at Wed on Wellington so no but you know when one person thinks Stepdad, you say. Enough about your 30th at Wed on Wellington. So, no, but you know when one person thinks that thing's going to be a great idea and they go, right, now you just do that and the rest of the party go, what the fuck is happening here? No, I reckon what happened was he said to Lucia,

guess what, Lucia, we're having a comedy roast in the middle of the wedding and she said, no way. No, we're not. But you know what it is, that thing of like someone at the party thinking this will be a great idea yeah that's doing a private comedy gig that's what you know what i mean anytime you get booked for someone's like cut just come into my friend's party all the guests will love it and it's like one person loves it and everyone else is going why are we not allowed to drink now for an hour this sucks yeah yeah i literally did one of those

with cody where cody booked me and him to do someone's birthday where the guy goes, just come in and be as dirty as you can, as horrible and whatever. So we go there to do it and, of course, no one else in the party is in on the joke. So they just are like hating it going, and there's one guy in a chair going, hooray, hooray. He's doing that laugh where he looks at all of his friends. Like, ah, that like ah good isn't it this is a great idea

I organised this I'm great aren't you loving it you done any of those kinds of things Sloss with the shitty I did

one of my only ever corporates I just don't I fucking hate them I was 19 I'd just done a TV show in the UK so it was like

I got a little spike in my typical teenage experience yeah just had a little show in the UK, so it was like I had a little spike in my... Typical teenage experience Yeah, just had a little spike in fame and then Celtic Football Club were like, we're doing dinner for like this old Celtic player, used to play for, I can't remember his fucking name for the life of me, but they're like come in and just do 20 minutes, my first

corporate, so I walk in and it's like a Q&A at the end with this guy and I'm meant to be going on before, it's 20 minutes and it's like a q a at the end with this guy and i'm meant to be going on before it's 20 minutes it's decent money and like all the celtic players are there henrik larson is in the front row with uh neil lennon so but during it halfway what have you been up to sorry not at all but beforehand they're like movies oh the the main guy he's got a train to catch so can you go on after him and i'm like you want me to go on after the main thing that you're like yeah yeah so he goes on

reps and then everyone stands up like and now for the comedian and i walk on and no but literally no one is listening yeah i'm on five minutes in it's i'm just i'm not even bombing because bombing requires people listening to your jokes and not laughing at them. Like nobody's interested. The only person who is listening to every single one of my jokes is Henrik Larsson. He's just sat there in the front row. People keep coming up to him, asking him for his autograph. And he keeps going, no, I'm watching the comedy.

Oh, amazing. And it was, so he was so lovely. And I get about seven minutes in of a 20 minute set and it's just him and he's laughing and nobody else is and The compere literally walks on halfway through my joke Halfway through all my jokes, she's gonna be like yeah, you can you can stop now. Oh wow amazing And has he as that guy remained a fan? Is he? Is he stuck with you?

I think so, yeah I think so, so no He'll listen to this. Yeah, yeah. Well, I did a gig the other night for a bunch of Year 12 students, which through a group that you got me onto, Edo. So I know you've done a bit. Oh, yes. You've done some school talks.

It's always nice when you get laid after a gig. How do you find them? Do you stress before them? Oh, those school talks. Yeah. I don't do them much anymore, but, well, it depends. They're pretty horrendous. Yeah.

And at the end. There's four. What age is year 12? So it's. 17. 17, final year of school. Yeah. So you do a bit of a, guys, don't worry about the future.

Look at me. Yeah. I don't know how that helps. It's basically, you can just repackage some old stand-up and put a bit of a believe in yourselves at the end of it. Put a bit of Pokemon Go in there and off you go. Put what? A bit of Pokemon Go references in there.

Basically I say – And then my dad fucked me. Anyway, guys, just believe in yourselves. I just tell my mum I was a huge – a major fuck-up and now I still am and who cares if you are? Yeah. Don't work hard. Great.

Yeah. That's a bit of a vibe of mine too. It's like just don't worry about it. It's like a kid's going to walk out of this room and just start setting bins on fire and being like, look at the guy in there. He seems cool. But every time when it goes to questions, well, what's that comedian's name? What's the big one with the bald?

Who's the bald one? You know, the baldy, the little baldy that's the big. Harry Enfield. The biggest comic in Australia. Carl Barron. Yeah, that's. Is he the biggest when you don't know his name? Well, no, because he sells out all, he's around, isn't he? Anyway.

He does the jobs, you know. Where he makes you think one thing and then it's not. So I've normally talked for about, yeah, I've talked for about 40 minutes about my life and my insecurities and stuff and then I go, has anyone got any questions? And every time it's, do you know Carl Barron? Look at you, la-di-da, being able to pack your insecurities

into only 40 minutes. Must be nice. Yeah, I find it I've done a couple for teachers before This is the first time I've done one to students And that's I reckon it's more nerve-wracking than Like I'd stand up

Just a normal gig is like At a long enough period of doing it You just have done every situation So you're kind of used to it Whereas kids just like 17, 18 they just don't have that filter like they just see through bullshit they're not an audience at that age they hate you but so I go in and do this one

on Thursday night and it was for it was all year 12 students it was about 200 of them and it was it's the first week of year 12 so they're all on this camp that their school organises where it's all like motivational talks and then kind of more light hearted stuff at night and just kind of real. Which one were you?

Demotivational. It's all kind of like yeah it's all just sort of about getting your head in order before you go into year 12. It's kind of a cool idea and so they're all, it's from a it's a school kind of like a bit out of the city so they're all camping in the city. They're all staying in the city Were they at the urban camp in Royal Park?

No. I don't want to give away the location but it basically is an urban camp. Yeah, for all the pitifuls listening just in case. Because I'm about to be uncharitable about the meadow. You don't want to let them know so they don't come along and see you for free next time. Because you're the comedy festival show to sell. Yeah, pretty much. So yeah, it was – so I start up and it was in like a – it was a good set up.

Like it was a nice lecture theatre so it wasn't like just being in a classroom, whatever. And I get five minutes in. I'm getting some laughs and I'm thinking, okay, this is good. I relax a little bit. I get to the end and I think this went pretty well. Like they were laughing a bit. They were into it. No one was like yelling shit out or anything.

And so I get to the end and the guy who's like running it says you know thanks thanks tommy for sharing your story one more round of applause and then he's like okay now now you student supervisors are going to get up and just give you some of the ground rules for tonight and so one of the teachers gets up and because it's they're all camping and they're in dorm rooms they're in separate dorm rooms it's co-ed so he basically has to get up and say hey do you know carl baron that the thing. The guy was like, we'll probably do questions at the end. I'm like, this was not run by me at all, which they didn't end up doing. But, yeah, he basically has to get up and tell them, you know, you're sleeping in separate dorm rooms.

Don't try and fuck each other in the middle of the night. Don't root. Yeah. He has to sort of say that in so many words without basically just without saying that. So it's kind of like amazing. Like I hadn't been in that situation since I was at school like watching people get told here's what you're not allowed to do like and he's just walking

this tightrope act where he's just trying to not slip up and not you know what I mean not say anything specific about the act that he's telling them not to do she's got a big list like no rim jobs, no fisting, no fingering, no two in the pink, none in the stink. None in the stink. None. They should have got you to say all that stuff because you're just the guy.

He's not allowed to say any of those rude stuff. They should have just paid you to say it all. But I think he was also telling Tommy as well not to do anything. I would have loved that. But I wouldn't have been able to, in good conscience, tell them, don't fuck. Like, I would have been, just go for it, guys. Like, who cares?

Yeah. Just use your con knowledge. Yeah. How old are they? They're year 12. Yeah, 17, 18. I guess, theoretically, you can have sex then. Was this a religious school of any?

No. What is the age of consent in Australia? 13. Was this a religious school of any... No. What is the age you can say in Australia? 13? Is it? No, I don't know. I think it's something like 17, but it varies between men and... Is it 16, but there has to be, like, within a year gap of... Like, you can't be over 18.

If you're under 18, if the guy's under 18 it's 16 look at Tommy trying to say it like he doesn't know like he hasn't got it on his laptop check your wallpaper on your phone it's a giant framed poster in my bedroom that I pray to every night before I go to sleep but anyway basically he's

walking this tightrope act where he's like you know trying to skirt around this issue and then all of a sudden he goes, I mean, look, I, you know, I touched on this earlier. I mean, and he kind of realises what he's done and there's a few kind of chuckles in the audience and he goes, no, no, what I'm saying is you're not allowed to be going in and out. And then his face just drops and he realises and he goes, he literally goes, oh, no.

And the crowd just, the kids just go up. They just absolutely light up. In the middle of this happening, one, no. And the crowd just, the kids just go up. They just absolutely light up. In the middle of this happening, one of the kids in the middle of the room stands up and pretends to start fucking his chair. Wow. And the kids go fucking bananas. And, like, I thought I'd done, like, I'm not prone to, like, bigging myself up if I didn't do that well.

I thought I'd gone, I thought my gig had gone really well. Yeah, but not as well as the chair fucking. Exactly. I was like, wow, that went as well as it could have gone. And then I see the reaction this gets and I'm my gig had gone really well. Yeah, but not as well as the chair fucking. Exactly. I was like, wow, that went as well as it could have gone and then I see the reaction this gets and I'm like,

yeah, fair enough. That's what you should have done. Yeah. So any teachers who want to book me to come to your school, I will fuck any kind of inanimate objects

you've got in the room for an hour. The kids will love it. Or animate it. I prefer to do your partner as an animate object. Anyone can go to uni You're just gyrating

Believe in yourselves You might find it hard to believe kids But I'm a bit of a fuck up sometimes Don't fuck up your life like this Oh man it was fucking great Just seeing kids laugh about sex How much did you get for it? How much?

Are you kidding? Come on. Come on. I think it pays about the same as Conan. Oh, right, nice. Sorry, did you wear our shirt when you were fucking a chair? I should. Next time I will.

You should. Get them involved, those kiddies. Yeah, get those kids into the podcast. Yeah. I worked a plug-in. I did wonder if any kids are now going to go look it up and hear this. Wrap the T-shirt around the chair when you're fucking it. That's a good act.

You could have got more listeners if you just went, it's called the little cum cum club. Yeah, yes. Exactly. Exactly. We should get that chair fucker on here as a guest. I predict bright things for his comedy future. Like he knows how to play a room.

Wasn't that Ronnie Chang's first bit? Yeah. He was just fucking a chair on stage. No, I Ronnie Chang's first bit? He was just fucking a chair on stage. I think Ronnie's first bit was switching a light switch on and off 15 times before he leaves the room. Counting matchsticks. Got him. He's mentally unwell.

Hey, so, Sos, you've just come through a little bit of a very historical event. You're at a very big milestone. You look at me like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. How many historical events have you been to in the last few weeks? He just sat through the first time I'd ever told that story. That was a huge event. I was at Trump's inauguration.

Right. And you're on the cabinet now? Yes, yeah, yeah. My qualifications were I'm white and don't know anything about politics. But I was booked into a comedy club in D.C. about six months ago. And then two weeks before I went,

my mate who was supporting me was like, you know we're in D.C. for Trump's inauguration? And I'm like, no fucking way. Fuck. And yes, we obviously went down. Like, of course, I'm good at that to watch that fucking travesty

was it freezing it was rainy the second he walked on stage it started raining it was just terrifying because obviously there were

some protesters there it was empty it's all when he was coming out being like the crowds were huge where we were

when we saw the like comparison with the Obama crowds I can point huge where we were when we saw the like comparison with the obama crowds i can point to where we were and there are three fields behind us that were full when obama's not inauguration you could have had full games of aussie rules football where we were standing so those things that you're seeing online the memes yeah they're right 100 i've got footage i've got actual footage of us while he's on stage where you could do a hundred metre, you could do a fucking relay race around where we are. Empty and terrifying.

Hang on, I'm starting to, yeah, yeah, no, I remember what my comedy festival show looked like last year. Yeah, okay, I get it. I'm with you. It was, yeah, it was like one of those open spots that was just like, yeah, it was rammed, it was great, I fucking tore the roof off.

But now you didn't, cunt, shut up. He's the one thing Steve Bannon at the end of the inauguration how do you think that went yeah

it was his choice in music was hysterical like the man is a professional fucking troll because the songs that were playing

the whole time before he comes on you can't always get what you want which was hilarious I did it my way which is hilarious and i swear once he'd finished his fucking nazi speech and everyone was walking out the second song they played was uh my heart will go on by celine dion the fucking titanic theme song

and me and eric are like there's no way there's no way he doesn't know what he's doing. And so around you, is the vibe like people into it? So we went down typical comics, like let's go down and make fun of Trump supporters. And then we got down there and there was your standard crazies, but you can get that. If you went to Obama's inauguration, you would have also got crazies. Those level of crazies just exist in America.

There's high level fucking Christians. But a lot of the ones we spoke to were genuinely lovely people. They were really nice. And they had their arguments that you could have poked holes in in seconds, but you could see where they were coming from in a way. They were wrong. They were fundamental. But they grew up with the Clint Clintons and we don't realise

over here how hated the Clintons are when Obama walked on screen where we were 80% I think maybe about 70% of the crowd cheered like that Trump's not

when Obama was and we were like oh so there's like neutrals there that are just there for the occasion maybe yeah yeah but there's even Republicans

who Republicans Trump supporters who went no no we will admit he did a fucking good job he didn't do great all around, but respect where respect is due.

And then there were some boos, but very minimal. Then Trump walked on, and there was about 20% boos, 80% cheers, because you had some of the liberals there who were protesting. But it was when the Clintons walked on screen, it was like fucking WWE, like when Kurt Angle

used to walk out. it was it was like pantomime level of fucking booing wow and it was that's when we went oh it's not people don't like trump they just fucking hate clinton wow uh bill or hillary hillary for some reason like yeah yeah yeah they're like bill like yeah you got a plaza under a table. What a legend. Yeah, I know. It was, yeah, that side of things we were like, that's pretty, you know, that was fucking horrific. And then we left afterwards and there were riots. My mum was texting me, letting me know where the riots were so how we could avoid them.

Your housemate, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We went to a pub afterwards just to try it out. Because it was, we went there with like, let's make fun of this thing. And it was, it was just saddening. It was really, it was just being, even though. Because it was. We went there with, like, let's make fun of this thing. And it was just saddening. It was really. It was just being in... Even though the fields weren't full, you were just there with these people

that are about to get hugely fucked over, currently being fucked over. They're all idiots. There is this inherent sexism amongst them, and you can feel it from them. When you talk to, like, white women who are like, no, we hate Hillary. You're like, I can't get into your headspace.

But we went to a pub... What if we shed listeners after this episode and that ticks us off that we had like thousands of alt-right listeners of this podcast the whole time I love these guys

they just tell it like it is we saw the riots on the TV and it was right outside the comedy club we were performing and we were like is that hold on is that

Draft House Comedy Club and it was and then we got a text being like we have to move venue tonight. Wow. Because the riots are directly outside where we are. But the difference was on the,

we went back in on the Saturday, and the difference in that, I hated Washington DC on the Friday. Hang on, do we know that there were political riots or were they people pissed off you didn't wear the little Dun Dun Club shirt on the corner? You know what, I didn't ask. In fact, I reckon if I'd gone there,

they would have been like, where's the fucking shot? The difference in that, they would have been like, where's the fucking shot? The difference in that city on the Saturday, though, for the Women's March was incredible. Like, I hated DC on Friday. It was a poisonous fucking atmosphere. We were checked everywhere we went. Like, there was one point where I wasn't allowed through to the parade bit

because I had my e-cig on me. I was like, this isn't dangerous. And they're like, no, we know it's not dangerous, but the point is there are 500 snipers within a kilometer of here. If you take that out and that looks like a trigger, they will blow your fucking head off. And I was like, well, thanks. What a way to go out.

But then on the Saturday... A lot of people would say that anyone who uses one of them probably deserves it. Hey, hey. I'm just trying to cut out one of the things that's going to kill me, okay? I always admire the hate you get for smoking an e-cig. Like, I'm just cutting out one of...

The second they come out with e-cig, I'll be on that too, okay? But until then... Oh, wow. Oh, man, that's amazing. How's the gig? Yeah. Friday, Thursday... Thursday and Friday, wow. Oh, man, that's amazing. How was the gig? Yeah. Friday, Thursday, Thursday and Friday, both good gigs,

but, like, sort of tough in the way of, like, you don't, we're Trump supporters, and obviously the last thing they want is a fucking foreigner coming over being like, hey, do you know the rest of the world thinks you're dumb as fuck? Yeah. You could have stopped that after the last thing they want is a foreigner coming over, but yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But the Saturday gig, when it was after the Women's March, that was one of the best gigs I've had because that was 100% fucking liberals. They were just so happy that someone was making fun of them. So yeah, the change in atmosphere was genuinely impressive. How are we going to segue out of this Into talking about chocolate mousse? We've never had to deal with this before No

Well Alright I've got it Okay He's been overseas He did an overseas trip Now we're The tiny little update That we've got to do every week

Where Now Sloss you don't know about this Edo you do know about this We are planning in May June To kill ourselves yes no that's a lot closer to now than that um no we are going to take this podcast to thailand now we're going to do that listeners are coming we've um uh planned it out we've got a hotel organized a resort organized we've got uh we're currently planning airfare. So we're honestly thinking – we're hoping to get quite a few listeners.

A lot of people have hit us up. Now, we put an email list out last week on Facebook, on the social media, saying if you are interested in keeping up to date in – we're about to have the hotel deals and the plane deals confirmed. Join up to the email list. Within 24 hours, we had over 150 people. So, look, I know not everyone is going to do that 24 hours, we had over 150 people. So, look, I know not everyone is going to do that,

but, man, that is frightening. Oh, that's almost as many people as went to Trump's inauguration. It's big numbers for us. Why don't you go stop being pussies and do one in North Korea? See how fucking loyal your listeners really are. I would love to do that. Yeah, let's start off easy first. Oh, yeah, Thailand, you fucking chickens.

Hang on, how much are beers in North Korea? Because that's pretty much the only reason we're going there. So, yeah, look, there is a lot of interest. So if you've got half a mind and interest in coming along, some people might think, oh, no one's going to come. Man, I think there's going to be so many people coming. Wow. Get on the social medias. Find out exactly our deals.

As they come to hand, you'll get the email straight away. Yeah, it's going to be good. Are you keen, Edo? Are you going to come? Maybe, yeah. I have put the – I don't think I said this last week, but I did sort of expect that not that many people would be keen because the ideal thing is, the idea is that we raise the sponsorship and the funds

and get the deals happening so that we can bring our guests for free. So I put it out to a select bunch of guests. And by select, I think it was 20, thinking, oh, well, 10 of them will say yes. Imagine being 21 on the list. And then out of that 10, it'll come down to 5 or whatever it is that people won't be available. So I put it out to

20. All 20 said yes, straight away. Bring it to Thailand. Why are you surprised by this? Hey, would you come to Thailand if you didn't have to pay anything? Who's saying no to that? Where is it? Here we go. You'll have to fly sloths from Edinburgh.

I'll pay my own way Yeah well Really early June Is the plan at the moment Give me dates I'll consider And I'll pay myself I'll pay myself out

Fuck yes You give me a hotel room Even if you make me bunk I'll pay my own flights out Alright well we've got We've got the hotel Yeah Done

Good deal at the moment So It goes out to 20 All 20 say yes So then I'm saying, it's a preliminary It's just putting the toe in the water at the moment, by the way Now I've just got every fucking Every one of these guests are hitting me up going

So I want to get on with my flight Yeah, people are hitting me up going So I looked at bike hire out over there And yeah, I think I've got a good deal on getting a Harley over there. I'm like, I never fucking said you confirmed. Like I just said, are you available? We're not flying 20 guests over.

And I'm not flying Jetstar either or Virgin or Tiger. Now, let's not bag any potential sponsors that we may have half locked in. Let me say that all those airplanes sound fucking excellent. If you want to weed down those 20, just be like okay, just to let you know, if you are coming over, you will be sitting beside Delrick. And then just watch.

I feel like if I put it out there to the 20 and go, by the way, there might be a $100 surcharge. Oh, well, fuck this. We wanted our trip for free. Yeah, maybe if we just start to, you know, let's not name any potential sponsors, but maybe to scare off some guests, we could just let them know that it may or may not be an airline whose planes have previously

been shot down by Russians, you know? British Airways, wow. British Airways flies from Melbourne to Thailand now? Wow. That's good. We just deny the colonies we lost. No, no, this is still British. This is still British in our hearts.

Have you been to Thailand before, Edo? I have. That was my first ever overseas destination as a young Edo. Nice. When I was like 18 and I just was drunk for a whole month. It's like when you look back, you're like, what? Like I just took drugs there, I think, and then like just did

stuff that's really dangerous drugs yeah i like weird like speed ones from the chemist oh yeah oh yeah that over the counter yeah yeah one where i went on one with some friends and they made this massive excuse and this whole thing of like oh we need this for and they just go what and threw drugs at them and they're like oh we don't need any of that bullshit like we have at home. They just – Yeah, that's stipples here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the cough lollies in the front counter.

But I can so see how you would – but you know whenever you see someone on the news arrested for like drugs and stuff in Thailand or whatever and you're like, how could you be that stupid? But I can totally see how you're just in this bubble there. Yes, yes. And then next thing you knew you'd be in like some tiny cell just going, oh. So Moonie's not going over.

Well, that's a whole other discussion. You'd have to smuggle him up your arse. I think the words were at one stage late one night, if you cunts don't fucking fly me to Thailand, I'll kill both of you. I think that was a direct quote. That's not an idle threat. We've all been smacked over the back of the head by Moony. Which is also a great ad for Moony.

Oh, if you're behaving like this in Australia, this will go down well in Thailand. This father of two. This is the kind of stuff he's into. Jesus Christ. So anyway, that's the update this week. I won't bang on about it too much because, fuck, every week could be just Thailand talk.

But anyway. Any recommendations, Edo, based on your time there? Oh, I went to like all the worst possible things. I went to one of those full moon parties. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've got to do that. On Copenhagen.

Rank. Rank. If you think of all the worst people in the world from every country, they're there. Solved. That's like what this podcast trip is going to be. Yeah. But are you thinking, are you saying like rank now that you look back on it

at the age you are now or were you like when you were 18? I think I even knew at the time. Like I knew what a dreadlocked turd was back then. And I was like, yeah, and what else did I do? I don't know. But my agenda back then was just to be blind. That's probably still our agenda, is it? I don't know.

No one's gone over for the fucking sights. Something like that. To record good content, of course, is our number one aim. As far as the tax man knows, for us it's content and also to get some cheap merchandise made that we can sell back here and have featured on Conan O'Brien later. So you just did the inauguration thing, but then you've

flown here from, not from America, from London. Yeah. So you just did TV in London as well. I was doing it. Another opportunity to have worn a shirt, but that's cool, whatever. Yeah, I did have it in my bag. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got it with me. I'm going to wear it to Cody's wedding. Oh, yes! I'm wearing it with my kilt.

Great. I did a TV show called Go 8-bit which is like a gaming show it's hosted by dara brain so you go on oh yeah right uh and you basically you pick a game and then you're compared to uh picks a game you play a bunch of games five different games from different stages through history of gaming and whatnot and it's a point based thing nerd yeah i wanted to play they were like what game do you want to play and i was from different stages through history of gaming and whatnot, and it's a point-based thing. Nerd, yeah. I wanted to play, they were like, what game do you want to play?

And I was like, Halo. Any of the Halo games I'll do. I'll fucking kill you all. And they were like, we can't get licensing for that. And then they were like, I was like, any shoot-'em-up I can do. And they were like, we can't get licensing for that. I was like, what can you get licensing for?

And they were like, FIFA. And I'm like, well, I've watched the show. I know people who have done FIFA before, and I know people who even like games don't enjoy watching FIFA but if that's all you can do I'm the best in the world at FIFA I'll fucking kill any cunt so um they're like you reckon you I'm like whoever I'm gonna get I will fucking destroy and they're like great come on the show and come in with that attitude like be very competitive so on the show Dara's like you're competitive I'm like yeah audience start booing I'm like alright nerds listen up right who plays computer games

to not win like is that is that the level of nerd that you all are like you're just taking part you couldn't take part in sports so you got into

computer games and then you only did that to take part and like have some competition in your life sounds like whoever books this show got fired after you were on

oh well I don't think I'm allowed back so they keep but they keep before the show they're like really like we love that like play the heel if the audience are boo don't think I'm allowed back so they keep but they keep before the show they're like really like we love that

like play the heel if the audience are booing go and I'm like okay if that's what you want so I keep picking myself up the guys I'll beat you

FIFA I'm like I will like I will fuck you up like I'm one of the best at FIFA you're getting booed

you're like I'm just like Bill Clinton yeah I get to the game of FIFA and I throw in a I go Chelsea so everyone hates me and I throw in a I go Chelsea so everyone hates me immediately

I throw in a horrific tackle with John Terry three minutes in and I'm just like that's a warning he gets sent off he misses a penalty when he misses the penalty

I scream in his face like yeah audience hate me I then score a great goal everyone boos and I stand up turn around just shout the word

say my fucking name to the crowd and then they're like, and the producers keep going, this is great. I'm like, they really hate me. They're not getting the irony of what I'm doing. They just think I'm like this. And they're like, no, it's great television. I'm like, yeah,

for you. And then the guy goes, I don't want to play anymore. And I'm like, typical. But then he goes, I'll get someone to come play for me. And they bring out the second highest ranked FIFA player in the fucking world. Like a real soccer player? No, no, no. In the nerd world.

A professional FIFA player. Yeah. Professional FIFA player. And he comes on. Professional? What? Yeah. And then fucking tanks me 4-1, which is a respectable score, I may add.

Right. Or you're a man down as well. Yeah. I'm a man down. Yeah. I kept it to 4- add. Right. Or you're a man down as well. I'm a man down. Yeah. I kept it to 4-1. Is this a good TV show? Because it sounds like this would not be fun for an audience.

It's a great TV show when I'm not on it. I watch the show a bunch and it is a very funny, friendly show. It's just that it's not funny. Someone acts like an arsehole and they bring out the second best people player in the world and fuck him up. Yeah. I realise there's always that fine line between arrogance and confidence and sometimes

the audience don't understand why I like dancing between the two. Like a lot of the time when I'm doing ironic arrogance I'm like this stopped being ironic about 20 seconds ago. I think it was when I took my shirt off and threatened to fight everyone

To be fair the nerds in the audience Probably have never seen a naked person before Oh but all those jokes I remember at one point Don't call them nerds If you take that as an insult I'm a proud nerd You turned up to watch someone play video games

You're a nerd And it's not an insult The fact that you're taking it so personally Means that you are all a bunch of fucking nerds own it or don't how much lunch money

did you get at the end of the time just left them all with Chinese burns yeah that should be a bonus round at the end of that game show you have to go

shake down the audience flush some heads down the toilet I think it's the only times my team of a spoiler alert we won the whole thing together

and the audience properly fucking booed properly they had to do a retake where they were like to the audience like can you cheer for this one

and half of them were like no no we won't and I just go forward I'm just like oh what's that what's that I just don't

I'm not competitive in any way like I just don't yeah I just don't it's because you're a loser yeah I'm more than a loser yeah i'm more than happy just go into a thing and go i'm just gonna get beaten so i'd rather not get

angry about it i'll just say i don't i don't get angry when i look like i'm a i used to be a very sore loser but now uh i'm not like the whole every time the guy scored against me i was like handshake there you go like i will admit i got my fucking ass kicked No excuses I got my ass I do not mind getting beaten But I like I do like competition Yeah It just

It makes me feel Feel alive And then you suddenly realise That not everyone has that Yes And you really have to tone down The inner shit cunt in you Yeah

What about you Ed Are you competitive Do you care I think I am a bit Yeah Like I do Not computer games But like

Or netball Netball Proper competitiveball, proper competitive. See, that's the thing, I'm so competitive, even though you are definitely better than me at netball. If you and me were to ever play, I would be like, I'll fuck you up at all. You've got to show a bit of competitive. I think we've all got that thing of, you know,

someone gets something and you go, what the fuck did they get that for? I've never experienced that. How did they get that when I'm the best? Don't the decision makers realise how much better I am than everyone? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm a bit competitive. It's like that Dan Ninen guy of you.

Oh, yeah. That's fascinating. Do you know about this? No. This American comedian who's just basically banned from all these comedy clubs because he's just a shit camp. It's a really hack comic as well. He's. Yeah. It's a really hack, hack comic as well. He's not great.

There's videos of him online bombing but basically this booker in America was just like, I really want everyone to know how much of a genuine sociopath this guy is.

So here's every email he's ever sent me and like, it's just him screaming, like in emails about how everyone who doesn't book him is a fucking loser,

how he played Obama's inauguration, he played Trump's inauguration Oh, I know that guy He gets booked for corporates for like 15,000 Go on Tumblr just type in Dan9 on Tumblr and you will see these emails and it's him talking about eating

steak on first class flights and everyone else It's a lot of him, he's got this Very much so. Very much so. Yeah, that's, but that, I mean, even if he is a cop. He's like a self-aware Cody. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They both share this weird fascination with having good seats on planes. Fucking hell, Cody is obsessed with the certain part of a fucking plane. Who gives a shit? Oh, I give him a hard time for this. I'm like, look look the booze is free on every part of that airplane like anywhere is first class if you're spewing yeah yeah he's fucking obsessed i don't get it but i think it's because because he's done it via air miles i don't

go to you i don't think he pays the extra i think he's just earned because he flies so much yeah and i've been in an airport with cody i don't kick airports i will never spend money on an expensive flight i don't give a shit yeah send me that look i'm scum i'll sit in the i don't give a fuck the booze is free who gives a shit i'll sit in the cargo shoot me out of a cannon i don't fucking care just put me put me on the fucking wing right just leave it one with a window open pour the booze in my mouth but i have gone through airports with cody where he gets you through the secret side security bit. Oh, wow.

When you don't have to watch fuckers not understand why, oh, you have to take your belt off. Yeah, yeah, you do. That's always been the case. You don't ask, can't. Worst part of flying frequently is you just get really streamlined about how to get through and you're just behind fucking amateur hour. Security

of people going on their first family holiday. Oh, just fucking muggles. Just fucking airport muggles. Just everything like, oh, wow. People are catching flights, you absolute motherfucker. You should be allowed to skull punch. You should be allowed to coward punch people in airports. It should be the only place that's legal.

Like if you and your fucking shitty family don't understand that, oh, we're going to not move. I'm not interested. Here's the thing with Cody that I don't get. So he goes all this. Guys stop rehearsing your speeches for the wedding tomorrow. It is bad that after this I'm literally going up to his wedding.

Does anyone object? I object to how much you spend on flights motherfucker. Like on the honeymoon. I want a better seat at this table Cody you fuckhead. Hey look if I come to your second and third wedding can I carry over wedding miles? like on the honeymoon I want a better seat at this table Cody you fuckhead hey look if I come to your second and third wedding can I carry over

wedding nails when Looch comes to her senses after the honeymoon he's obsessed with the seat on the plane right so he's always

saying to me oh why don't you just get first class why don't you just pay two thousand dollars more to fly to Adelaide why the fuck

wouldn't you do that I'm like what the fuck are you talking about and so then I've said this to him to Adela fly to Adelaide. Why the fuck wouldn't you do that? I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? And so then I've said this to him. To Adelaide. To Adelaide, yeah. Really enjoy those 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, you don't want to get cramp in your legs, you know, when you're going to Glenelg. Everyone knows that. But he goes crazy about all this, about these fucking flights. And then I've asked him for recommendations of hotels. Once you get to the fucking place you're flying and you go

oh yeah I always use this place it's really good you look at it you live in a bin why have you got to be a king in the air and then a cunt on the ground you're a fucking

you're a big issue seller when you get to the other place a king in the air and a cunt on the ground is it too late to all of us get t-shirts made up for the wedding tomorrow that say that on the air and a cunt on the ground. Is it too late to all of us get T-shirts made up for the wedding tomorrow that say that on them?

No, it should be, is this an actual tale? King in the air, cunt on the ground. You live in a bin. You're right. That is absolute, because here's the thing, like even if you do have the money to spend, even if like your disposable income is enough where you go, well, I can afford, you know, the extra grand to get a nicer seat.

Cool, good for you. But also, spend that grand on something on the ground when you're in the air for an hour. Do you reckon it's... Ground. The ground, yeah. Really glorifying the ground on this podcast, aren't we? Because it's his wedding.

Do you reckon he spent all the money on booze and the dinner is just Hungry Jacks? Yes. It's like we've got a cocktail cocktail bar there's seven types of whiskey there's all this beer it's been sponsored what's for dinner all fried and tasty we went to baker's delight we got the day old bread and you're all eating that we got a bit of margarine well we did get an insight like six months ago we were giving him shit about this and we found out that uh in in preparation of saving for the wedding, his fiancée put the kibosh on any future upgrades.

Right. And he was not happy. Right. Yeah, he's been living in absolute squalor for the last six months to save for this wedding. In the air, right? Yeah, yeah. He's one of those air people.

Air squalor. Yeah. Up the back of the plane with all the rats and the fucking garbage. I saw him there with a sign that said, we'll gig for cash. We'll gig for first class, please. Oh, man, yeah. With his little fucking empty thick shake cup.

And again, like the flights we're talking about to Thailand before, he messaged me the other day to go, yeah, anyway, I've already quoted a heap of flights and whatever, you know, because I don't want to fly with you cunts on fucking whatever carriers that you can get for nothing or whatever. He already wants to fly first class or something else to Thailand. Amazing. Just amazing.

It doesn't make any sense. And then he'll sleep on the beach. I've got to have check-in so I can check my tent in because that's my accommodation when I get to Thailand. Are you going to put it in a lockbox? No, I'm just going to bury it on a beach like a dog. You know when people put their wallets in their shoes on the beach? I'm just going to sleep in my shoes under the wall.

I'm just going to steal those wallets from other people's shoes. And then just use it all on the plane to get home. Yeah. Fucking hell. Because all you're doing, like flying sucks. Hot comedy take for you all. It's a deal with airplane food. All you're doing by upgrading it is just making a shitty thing a bit better.

It's still a shit thing. You're still trapped there. Exactly. In a tube. It's not like it becomes objectively better than anything on the ground. Yeah. Just by you spending the money. It still sucks. And you're there for a short amount of time. You're there for eight hours. You're there for 12 hours. You're there for better than anything on the ground just by you spending the money. It still sucks.

And you're there for a short amount of time. You're there for eight hours. You're there for 12 hours. You're there for whatever. Get on the ground. Get something nice that you're actually going to appreciate. Yeah, because it's not like to upgrade to first class is like, oh, it's only like 50 bucks more.

No, it's 2,000. Yeah, it's like 1,000 bucks more minimum. Yeah. You wouldn't get a $1,000 hotel room a night, would you? No. I mean, and that would be great. Yeah. You get 24 hours in this awesome thing.

You don't feel sick and you're not still breathing in some cunt's fart the whole time. What? Spencer, you're staying with. Well, yeah, yeah. Fair, fair. But like once they kind of crack the space-time continuum and you can get on first class and be, instead of it being a 12-hour flight, it'd be a half-an-hour flight.

Yeah. Then now we're talking. What, use class is dead then? Yeah. Yeah. Like, why would you... Yeah, why would you pay for half an hour of first class? Well, no, but you pay to just be there quicker.

You pay to be able to... Oh, what, so you think half the plane is going quicker than the other half of the plane? Yes. Oh, yeah, we found someone dumber about airfares than Cody. I'd say once they work out time travel and they can somehow make that happen in first class, if that's the sell, it's like, hey, you pay this extra amount,

but you get there quicker. So first class is half an hour and economy is three hours. You think you're in economy and you can see the front half of the plane disappear half an hour into the flight. Just stretching through time. No, no, it's like a space shuttle. You pay for certain parts of the journey. Cody pays to get all the way to Thailand,

but basically you're in the little jet bits on the side, so they just drop you over somewhere. I don't know the geography. We're in a little seat with a parachute on us just kind of steering ourselves down. I don't know what the fuck is happening anymore. What if you could just bail halfway through and then skydive the rest of the way there?

Delete that. You should pay for that. Delete your account. Delete your air account. So we're all in agreeance. Cody's a fucking idiot. Fuck the wedding. Can't wait for the wedding.

And the only reason we did this is because Luchko, the roast, had his wedding, so we just thought we'd do it here. Yes, yes. Are you in any official capacity at the wedding? Are you hosting or anything like that? No, I don't think so. I'm just there to get fucking, I'll show you fucking nerds how real men drink.

Oh, nice. Okay. I'm there to, Cody's like, I've got a lot of booze. I'm like, oh, I'm going to prove to you it's not enough. I'm just going to be there to drink most of it. So you're just bringing over your successful attitude from the FIFA game yes into the drinking

I've not learnt I do not learn going over to just drink and also like the reason I am you're going to be you're going to look so dumb when we bring out

professional alcoholic Fiona O'Loughlin to just drink you under the table the reason I'm coming over is just also because I love Cody I love Looch

but I also I love I love the Australian comedy scene. Like, it's like a home away from fucking. Do you? Oh, well, no. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, because I'm not on it.

I love the people in it. Do you? Yeah. You want to come out to a few open mics with me? Yeah. They're real good. Oh, yeah. I want to stay away from that level of stuff.

But I like, you you know I like the middle and the higher team they're alright and you know I want to just get into fights with fucking Badran for no reason yes

yeah great me and Demi Lardner have to go up and pretend to be a couple today and try because we've only booked accommodation

for Saturday Sunday but we're going up today so either we're sleeping on the streets tonight or I'm going to see because Cody spent all of his money on the wedding

I'm going to see if I can out bed him for the honeymoon suite tonight. Just for tonight. Look, the wedding's not until tomorrow. Fuck him. Yeah. Yeah.

He can just do it Thailand style and go and sleep on the beach of wherever the fuck we're going to the wedding on. Why don't you just get a first class flight tonight around Australia? Yeah. And land at your own wedding tomorrow. Right. It's like a really expensive caravan Yeah

Excellent Yeah I was going to say Have we got time? Sure Oh right I was just going to say something Now look

This will be a touchy thing to do But let's all have fun with this This is what I sort of wanted to briefly talk about Just as a bit of a warning to people We're all good with this But I think this is a good shout out, good heads up for people's advice. Oh, my God. What is this?

What is this going to be? What a builder. I've changed my mind. We don't have time. All right, all right. Is this about me? Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.

It's all good. It's all good. So I was at work the other day and I do like my little time off. You know when you're working a job and you go to the bathroom, you spend there like 15 minutes or whatever in the bathroom, you just go, you know, I'm just going to cool down from work. Man, don't be on edge. It's all good.

Is this about you just told us to be on edge? No. Is this about a first class shit? Yeah. Something like that. So I got up from the toilet And you know you do your thing when you look down Oh my god

Stay with me Slosh you're with me I'm trying but you're making it so hard Were you talking about after a jobby? Yes A puppy whoop Yeah so I look down Big borry

And number three The one that's got blood in it You've got it You've got it What? I hoped it wouldn't be this. The toilet bowl is absolutely full of blood. Be true.

It's no good in there. And I go into shock. I just look down and go, what the fuck? Hang on. And I go into so much shock that I go, how the fuck did I sit down to go to the toilet when there was blood in the toilet like this to start with? And then I go, hang on, that is my blood.

Oh, you know, what the fuck am I doing? That's my bum blood, man. Yeah, exactly. Chandler's on his rags. It's Chandler's time of the month. Oh, I want to go home. Have you ever had anyone leave early? Why are you saving this for a live episode that we've got coming up?

Do you reckon it's internal or just that your girlfriend needs to cut her fingernails? I want to go. So I get up and I panic immediately. Tassilo's bent over. Keep going. I'll try to suck my own dick because this story is making me so horny. So I get up and I come back to work and I'm like, oh, fuck, what the fuck is that? What is that?

So I start Googling it immediately and go, oh, yeah, well, the first thing that comes up is like, ask cancer. So that's a fucking good thing. Like, I'm surprised that this is a bad thing that this toilet bowl is covered in blood. We get it. Yes. Anyway. The visuals there, you don't need to say it again.

Right, okay. So I look it up and I go, oh man. So I start, yeah, I flush. I'm a gentleman. When I fill the toilet

with a litre of blood, I get rid of it. The Photoshoppers are going to have a field day with this one. So I go and Google all the stuff and I'm like,

fuck, this sounds terrible. You can't Google. You can't ever Google. You've got to just go straight to the doc. You can't look it up. Yeah, Google. You've got to just go straight to the doc. You can't look it up. Yeah, because I've got like three or four hours worth of work at a TV

show where I'm writing jokes. And all I've got on my head is, oh yeah, ass cancer. This sounds good. All of a sudden I'm going down fucking Allsop, Tommy Daslow Street, where I'm going to have to fucking talk about cancer. What? Oh, okay. Mine wasn't ass cancer, to be fair. Jesus Christ. Did it come out of like the last of the ketchup bottle?

I'm not a big eater of ketchup, so I can't relate. Well, not did you? I find that disgusting. Okay. So, back to my toilet full of blood. Can I? Look, I'm going to ask a question. Right.

As you were doing your job, did anything about it, did it feel out of the ordinary? No. So just a standard procedure for you? Yes. But was it wet? As you were doing your job Did anything about it Did it feel out of the ordinary No So not So just a standard procedure for you Yes But was it wet The blood was wet yes

But like It didn't come out in Yeah you didn't shit scabs No but did you do a wet poo No That's normal No Okay

So anyway Thank you That just caused everyone So many looking around into people's eyes. I feel like we're playing guess who now but with my bloody shirt. So your arsehole was just like the elevator door in The Shining. Just it opens up and then. Yes.

And twins came towards it and no. So anyway, I look it up and I'm like, fuck this. And you look up the diagnosis and you go, this is not positive. And then you start to do that thing where I'm like, oh, fuck, if this happens, what have I fucking done with my life? Yeah. Like, if this is what's going to come up, what the fuck? So immediately I just.

So close to getting married finally. I know. Didn't quite get to it. And also I've got three or four hours worth of comedy work to do. So I'm writing jokes all going, well, listen, these will be the last fucking jokes. This is my legacy. This is my legacy, exactly.

And all the jokes for the project that night about fucking blood. Oh, for whatever show it was. Why does it matter naming this show? Well, I just took a big bloody shit in their toilet, for starters. Unless you're saying the project definitely gave me the arse cancer. I don't think it matters naming them. Whatever show it was, it could have been any show. It could have been any show, all right?

Fucking hell, I'm going to get banned from the Channel 10 bathrooms. Jesus Christ. So, I'm trying to write jokes. I'm going to put it out there. The jokes I wrote weren't the best jokes of my entire career with that foreboding hanging over me. You've lost a litre of blood. Yes, exactly.

Exactly. At least when you donate it, you get a cookie or something from the blood bank. I I go fuck all All I got was Wait What day was this? Why? I'm just wondering

What day of the week was this? It was a Monday Okay What? Grr Mondays Yeah Garfield was right Fucking hell Was that blood

Or was that red sauce From a lasagna? No because you did my gig On the Tuesday night And you had a bit about Donating a lot of blood So I know what the information Always on I'm always on I can cause No, because you did my gig on the Tuesday night and you had a bit about donating a lot of blood. Oh, right. So I know the information.

Always on. I'm always on. I can spin tragedy into comedy. Just so you know, that's not how you donate it. That's literally you polishing a turd. Yes. To take to the stage. Yes.

So I do that and so I get back. I'm writing jokes and I'm in a not a great head space going fuck this is no good not a great ass space either yes so there's plenty of it because there's been a fucking

something happened there so I text my girlfriend and say look no details can you just book me in for the doctors can you book me in

as soon as you possibly can so she goes okay what's going on I'm like let's not talk about it yet anyway I go in

first thing the next morning the Tuesday morning I go in there and I say my symptoms and I'm like, let's not talk about it yet. Anyway, I go in first thing the next morning, the Tuesday morning. I go in there and I say my symptoms and I'm like saying, look, I'm bleeding from there. I went to work. I'm sitting there. I'm having a great old time. All of a sudden, the shining happens. I'm bleeding from there.

All this stuff. So she goes, oh, the doctor says, have you got these symptoms, this, this, this, this? And I go, no, this, no, this, no. And she goes, oh, you'll be right. And I'm like, yeah, just take this cream and whatever. And I'm like, hang on. Yeah, and I'm like, hang on. I've been shitting blood and you don't want to look.

And I started taking my pants down. I'm like, can you have a look? And she's like, no, I don't want to have a look. I'm like, all right. Is that the party you went to? That's not a party Carl it's a doctor it's a dress up night

isn't it so yeah so not for the first time I've asked to bend over and take my pants down and a girl said no thank you

but anyway so she she just gives me the ointment I'm like don't you want to don't you want to look at it

or anything like that like I don't feel like touch it why are you so desperate for human contact? Why did... At least stick your finger in and plug the dike or something. So, anyway...

No one... Did you not learn anything from the BP oil spill? Come on! Yes. So, I'm... How deep is the fissure? I'm thinking, I've gone to the doctors. I'm having to pay money to go to the doctor's.

I'm spending 80 bucks or something. At least have a look or have a touch or do something. Have a squeeze, mate. Yeah. Let me walk out of here thinking the problem is not as bad as I thought. Is this a dumb question? Why does your girlfriend have to make your doctor's appointment for you? Because I feel like it would be unprofessional of me

to be making personal phone calls during my work. Where was she when you called her? Put not to shit, but. Yeah, she was at work. You are a piece of shit. A bloody piece of shit. So that all happens. So I say to the doctor, look, I just want to rule out cancer or anything like that, anything bad like that.

She goes, oh, you can go and have a full blood test or whatever. Look, the symptoms you've given me now is not enough symptoms to go and have a blood test, to get too much worried about this. I'm like, well, what is it? And she just goes, oh, you've got a torn anus. Girlfriend needs a fingernail. I hate how she's just like, it's annoying to her to even have to tell you. It's like, oh, you've got a torn anus

What have I You idiot She's questioning her It's answer A on the form that we send out to everyone Just the old torn anus You've got an anus like Tommy's jeans Yes So the ointment was supposed to go in the little

Tear Bit of relief But torn anus That sounds like to go in the little little tear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit of relief. But torn anus, that sounds like I'll take that at the moment. But... You'll take that?

What? Quit while you're ahead. Exactly. Exactly. How do you tear a car? Higher or lower, right? Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take it now, but... It's not an option, though. It's not like you can opt out of torn anus and they go, you sure? It might be something worse. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'll roll the dice on this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take it now, but... It's not an option, though. It's not like you can opt out of torn anus and they go, you sure? It might be something worse.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'll roll the dice on this one. Yeah. So, look... How do you tear it? But that's the next question. How do you tear your anus? You tell us!

Did you sit down too fast? I don't know. Too confidently? Yeah, I don't... Have a really... I was going to say, I was going to get to the bottom of it, but that's... This is like that teacher at that school talk

I hate to say it's kind of an age thing right it's like is this the body at 40 anus starts to tear I guess maybe is it I mean is it wear and tear without you having like a big thing happen

where you remember oh it would have been that Like I fell on my ass Or whatever Yeah It must have just been You stood up too quickly And you talk

You're right It's like It's what you need to do now Before you start You need to stretch your anus At the start of every day You've got to stretch She did give me

You've got to stretch It's like sports mate You've got to stretch Before you do a shit You've got to do little kegels Kegels I've got to I've got to put some of do a shit. You've got to do little kegels. I've got to put some of that, what do you call it up there? The deep heat.

I've got to put deep heat on my ass before I take a shit. I don't know. Too deep. Yeah. Eucalyptus oil up my arsehole. I know a girl that doesn't have an anus. What? But keep talking.

I can tear her one, apparently. Tear you a new anus. That's literally happened to me. Yeah, you've been torn a new asshole. Yeah, yeah. So, man. What was the event? Did someone like yell at you on Sunday night where you can go,

that person literally tore me a new anus? Yeah, yeah. Well, I feel like after this podcast I'm going to have a third one. I've been torn another one. But, oh, man, you do that thing where I had that headspace that night of just going, fuck, everything in my life is going to change. I'm going to be a good bloke. I'm going to eat all this stuff. I'm not going to eat any meat anymore.

I'm going to be a vego from now on. I'm going to do this. And literally as soon as I walked out there, I said, you've got a torn anus. I'm like, all right, and I went and got a pizza. Yeah. And then you came to my gig that night and you were – you did a typical you.

You walked into the room and just immediately started terrorising everyone who was there. Your new lease on life. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a new life. I'm using it right now. So how's the cream going? Well, they gave me a thing. The applicator is this big funnel thing.

Big cock. Yeah. It's a big funnel. Dildo, just work this in there. Yeah, and then I was like, hang on, I'm not sure if that was a doctor I went and saw. Why do I have to do it on webcam? But I don't

understand, okay, so you tear your anus and your undies, like, you don't fill a bowl with a torn anus. I don't know much about anuses, but I don't feel like you can fill a bowl with blood if it's a tear. If you don't also have bloody

undies or something. Typical comedian exaggerating the size of the blood in the bowl. Not at all. This is exactly what happened. But after that, it didn't go in the bowl. In times that I went after that, it didn't go in the bowl, but when I was wiping, there was blood. Wiping's more wiping what my torn anus

you gotta wipe it gently because you want to stretch out yeah yeah don't worry I was being gentle after I filled a fucking toilet bowl with blood I began to be a bit precious back there thanks torn my torn anus sounds like know, like whenever you listen to Triple R and they do the gig guide. They have to read out all the stuff and it's like Johnny's party. Yeah, yeah. This is my bloody Valentine reforming. Yeah, yeah.

They're at the Tote this weekend. Go check them out. My torn anus. But what I'm saying is, and look, the lesson of all this stuff is, man, because I hadn't been in, I've turned 40 and I haven't had the digit up the arsehole trick. Oh, I ask for that when I go to the dentist. So what I'm saying is, fuck, you know what, I've booked in, I've done a full thing of ringing up everyone to, you know, all the stuff you put off.

This last 10 minutes has been the audio equivalent of a finger up the anus. Yes. Everything I've put off, I've now gone, right, I'll book in everything. I've even, you know what, for some reason out of this, I've even gone, you know what, I'll book in everything I've even you know what for some reason out of this I've even gone you know what I better go and get my tax done

just make sure of everything so big afternoon for your girlfriend in the office booking all these for you yes hey baby because you know how my arsehole's talking

can you do my taxes for me I want to be a new man yeah so everyone don't put things off go and get them done don't leave it so you fill up your work toilet with blood.

Go and seize the day. Get your torn arsehole looked to. But it's not like you tore your anus just because you put off getting anything done. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a good lesson for people to know to book all that stuff in. Yeah, doing your taxes isn't going to suddenly fucking make the fessure in your gaping arsehole.

Yeah, it's going to heal your anus. Well, that's what she said. It was an anal fissure. I said, what does that mean? She goes, you've got a torn arsehole. It's someone that goes fishing in anuses. It's probably the hook on the way out across the town. It's probably the brown trout I caught up with.

Who's your friend who doesn't have an anus? Well, I don't know. It disappeared. Well, because that's the thing. If you don't use it, you lose it. But it's been replaced by some wire contraption that can snap off a shit. Oh, no. I don't want that.

So self-operated. I don't know how exactly. I know someone with two buttholes. We should hook them up. To a transplant? Yeah. Really? Yeah, there's a comedian exactly. I know someone with two buttholes. We should hook them up. To a transplant? Really? Yeah, there's a comedian in the UK who's got two buttholes. But one's only like apparently, and this isn't my quote,

this is his, one is only a pinky deep. Really? Yeah. Does anything come out of that one? Please tell me their name. It is, oh fuck, I forgot. Oh, what would you, not someone memorable obviously, someone with two buttholes.

Oh, Joseph Boer. Oh, okay. Joseph Boar's got two little butt holes Double butt Yeah One of them's just Like it's just You can keep coins in there Whatever

Wow I didn't even know it was possible Yeah Great You want to look into that Yeah Literally I mean you can't look into it

But there's not much of a view Guys get yourselves checked out Yeah I had once Where I was in Colorado And I was having a piss in the toilet and I looked down and just blood, just a lot, a lot of blood.

And I'm like, this is, I'm very safe when it comes to sex, but I'm like, clearly something's gone wrong. And I was pissing myself literally and figuratively. And then 30 seconds of panic. And then I watched as a drop of blood dropped from my nose into the, and I'm so fucking dumb that I was like,

oh, thank God. It's only from near where my brain is. Like that, that to me was way safer than just the most, my most vital organ, my dick. Yeah.

Wow. It was just, it was just the altitude there. I reckon this is the lunchtime podcast. This is the one. If you want to advertise it as people are just sitting down for their lunch, unwrapping a delicious sandwich, this is the one to go for. The blood in the dunny.

We really need a content warning on this. This is time specific. Nah, fuck that. Hey, it's always time to be safe. Look, he put it off and look what happened to him. Exactly. Don't put it off until lunch. Listen to this at breakfast.

Yeah. Just before you're about to eat a delicious big sausage for breakfast. All right. We've got to wrap it up there. Guys, Anne Edmonds, Daniel Sloss, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. You both have stuff on sale for the comedy festivals around the country? Yes.

Etta, you've got your show Brisbane and Melbourne and Sydney No offence none taken Tickets at comedy.com.au Sure Get in there I've seen a bunch of your new material and it's looking great Thank you

These guys are two real favourites of the Dumb Numb fans Edo you've been on heaps and so you're a super favourite. But Sloss, man, I get a lot of feedback off. Last night I talked to someone at a gig and they said, oh, who's on the show next week? I was like, I don't usually say this, but we're doing Edo and Sloss. My gaping anus. I said, we're doing Edo and Sloss tomorrow.

And this person said, I couldn't be happier. They're literally my two favourites. Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Rhys Nicholson. Yeah. Yeah, Sloss, you're, Rhys Nicholson. Yeah. Yeah, Sloss, you're doing, what are you doing, Brisbane? Doing Brisbane, Canberra, Tasmania, Auckland, Sydney, Perth and Melbourne. And I don't know when they are, but you can look at those,

you lazy fucking cunts. Yes. And Sloss will be appearing on a live podcast, I would say, very soon. Yeah, definitely. Any ones you want me to do, I will genuinely look into the Thailand one. If I'm free, I'll do it. Fuck yeah. And then also any ones you want me to do in the festival.

Well, you'll be part of the Dilruch roast as well. Excellent. Are you going to do it? Are you going to be on the roast? Oh, I feel sorry for him. Yeah, but you roast other people as well. Like the time you weighed him on stage. Not our finest moment.

But that was a good thing. That was when he lost the weight. Yeah, I'll roast him. All right. Fuck yeah. All right. Guys, we've got all our stuff on sale. The roast of Dilraba Jai Singha.

We've got our four live shows during April in Melbourne on Sunday afternoons. We've got Adelaide on sale on March the 4th, Saturday, March the 4th. We've got our two solo shows. We've got Tommy Daslow in Dinner for Two and we've got Carl Chandler in World's Best Comedian in the World. Torn anus. Yes. Carl Chandler, blow it out your ass.

Can I just say as well, in Adelaide, when you do your podcast, I'm going to do a show there the next day. Oh, cool. One show in Adelaide for little just tickets on the door job. Yeah, great. Little trial, little testy run. That'll be Adelaide. And, you know, we know you guys love to buy tickets in advance,

so get on to that one. It's Sunday. That'll be Sunday, April 5th? I think so, yeah. Sunday, March 5th. Sunday, March 5th, yeah. Cool. So definitely Adelaide, get on to it. Brisbane, March 5th. Sunday, March 5th, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cool. So definitely, Adelaide, get onto it.

Brisbane, you already sold out. So Adelaide, get onto it. Our shows and Edo's shows. Yeah, all that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Out.