The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 341 - Live! Tom Gleeson, Nazeem Hussain & Guy Montgomery

Episode Date: April 19, 2017

Stolen Shirts, Gleeson's Roast and Corrections Corner.Recorded LIVE at the European Bier Cafe on Sunday, April 16, 2017. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, the third of our live episodes from Melbourne featuring Tom Gleeson, Nazeem Hussain and Guy Montgomery. But before that, we have to let you know that today the podcast is brought to you by Will Anderson. Carl, can you believe it? I can believe it. Thanks, Will, for the sweet coin. Tipping into that Tofop Patreon money to sponsor this show. Do you really think he's aware that this money is going to us? I think this is an executive decision. I don't think Will has decided.

I appreciate it, but I don't think he has had a hand in this. I think he definitely doesn't know that it's happening. My bigger question is, is he cool with it happening? That'd be great if all these sponsors just start protesting us. Hey, it's been happening all week. I think it's happened nearly every week so far in the last month and a half. But yeah, Will Anderson's show, Critically Will, now playing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

It is at the Comedy Theatre at 8.45pm. Sunday is at 6pm. On Saturday, April the 22nd, it is at the Melbourne Arts Centre at 6pm on Saturday April the 22nd it is at the Melbourne Arts Centre at 9pm for tickets and all those details you can go to comedy.com.au and if you are listening to this on the day that it comes out

or you know within a couple of days get your skates on because this is literally there's a handful of dates left and probably a handful of tickets left so go and see the biggest draw of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival this is the biggest name

the biggest that sells the most tickets. Yeah, it's interesting. The decision makers down there at Will Anderson HQ, they've booked this add-in for the last week of the comedy festival. They really must have thought those numbers were going to peter out there towards the end. I think they had a lot of confidence in his staying power. I think it was just showing off.

I think they just went, we'll just buy it for four days because who gives a fuck? It'll be sold out by now anyway. This is just a bit of stale bread to the beggars on the street outside. I think two seats in his crowd has covered this ad. Yeah. Let's throw some little dregs. That's fucking not far off. Yeah.

Now we need to do a bit of corrections corner from us. By the way, is there anything, because there's only a handful of dates left for Will, he's also doing a bit of stuff around the country as well. Oh, sure, okay. You might as well just say that. He's in Wollongong on Thursday, April the 27th at the Spiegel Tent, Wollongong. He's then in Darwin on Thursday, May the 11th.

There's a few Darwin listeners. Yep, they're out there. Then Friday, May 12th, Saturday, May 13 13, he's at the Perth Comedy Festival. I mean, we could have probably stung them for extra for this run of ads, but, you know, let's be generous. Yeah, yeah. They'll keep coming back if we're going to give them sweet bonus ads like this. Friday, June 2, Nelson Bay at the West's Nelson Bay Diggers.

I don't even know where or what Nelson Bay is. Nelson Bay, that's our number two biggest fan base. So, yeah, look after them. How many of these am I going to go? Oh, okay, this is the last one. Saturday, June the 3rd at Belmont, at the Belmont 16s. What's Belmont? I don't know.

Is that in Victoria or not? I don't know. All it says here is Belmont. Okay, Belmont. Yeah. Hey, Belmont. Hey, so Belmont listeners right now going absolutely bananas over this shout out. Get on the social media. Let us know if you're in Belmont Hey so Belmont listeners right now Going absolutely bananas over this shout out Get on the social media

Let us know if you're in Belmont So all of that details Comedy.com.au For all of those show details Get out and see Will Anderson Always awesome Long time amazing supporter of this show Yes

Definitely He's a big benefactor of comedy and podcasting And idiots like us Yeah He's like a benefactor of comedy and podcasting and idiots like us. Yeah. He's like a less alcoholic Milan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And more helping our career rather than destroying our livers. Yeah. He's like he shouts us street cred instead of shots. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we need to do a slight corrections corner from last week's advertisement. I gave out some of the wrong details for Dilwook Jai Singers' show,

The Art of the Dil. I want to make sure I'm not correcting the fact that I don't think much of his show title, but you're sure. Okay, sure. Yeah, I received a couple of messages during the week about it, so I'll put this out there. I owe him a correction. Dilruk Jai Singer, midnight at the Melbourne

Planetarium, every night until the end of the comedy festival. I'm sorry, okay? It was late at night when we recorded it. I forgot the details. At the bottom of the ocean underneath the West Gate at 3 a.m. every night, Dilrub Jai Singh, fingers crossed. Well, look, I'm going to now, I'm going to sort of spoil something that happens in the podcast.

Don't do that. Dil appears in this episode to get angry at us for getting the details wrong in the ad last week. He then goes on to tell us that all of his shows have sold out, which sounds to me like the ad did a fantastic job regardless of the details being wrong. I think that's a

good ad for other people to sponsor this show. Even if we fuck up all the details of your ad, you will still shift units off the back of us. That's how good we are as salesmen. Yeah. Or saleswomen. Yeah.

Well, I think we can rule the second one out. I think we could rule the first one out as well, to be fair. We can rule the sales bit out. Yeah. So, okay, what next? What next? Well, if you're listening to this straight away, we have one

live podcast left in Melbourne this Sunday. We've done a great bunch of live podcasts in Melbourne all through April. Would you say, in your professional opinion, that we have done it again? We have done it again. This is no first-time bullshit. This is

repeat again. We're back on our bullshit. Yeah, we is no first-time bullshit. This is repeat again. We're back on our bullshit. Yeah, we've repeated again-ed it. So, yeah, well, I mean, it's sold out now, so... I mean, if you want to try and get in the door, if someone doesn't turn up, sure. Like, this is literally, we're only mentioning it because we're saying we've sold out again.

We've sold out all the shows. Come down and try and scab a ticket on the door. Some fools, you know, buy tickets and don't turn up. A lot of absolute wallies last week who did not turn up. 30 or something season pass holders didn't turn up. If you're listening to this and you're one of those people, what the fuck are you doing? I appreciate the free money.

Buy 10 of them and don't turn up. Make us look real silly with our empty room and full pockets. Yeah. Get into it. Yeah, Will Anderson, all you're doing is buying it out on the show. Why don't you buy up all our tickets and then just not show up? Well, you know those people who bought season passes and then didn't turn up? I think you should.

We're sold out, but please turn up on the door and buy a ticket that doesn't exist and just still give us the money again. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. So good. Yeah. So there's that and then there is the drunk cast at 11pm on Sunday, April the 23rd. Our now infamous final night celebration after our run of shows.

It is unrecorded. It is a thank you to everyone who's bought tickets throughout the month. Now, it is. Let's confirm. Let's put out the rules. The rules are it is free to get into, but first things first, the season pass holders, the people who dug deep and got the season passes early on, they are first in.

First in best dressed. Yep. So they go in first. Then the rest of it, it's a bit of a ballot. It's a bit of a who lines up the longest. Tom Ballot. Yeah, exactly. Tom Ballot ballot he comes in

and there's no room left for anyone else so that's that's how it works but it's a bit of a luck of the draw what's not like you'll be there wanting the borders to be open so you can come into our show it's it's a bit of luck of the draw in in the way that if you line up the longest and you get in first you get in if you if you rock up at 11 o'clock you're probably not going to get in first, you get in. If you rock up at 11 o'clock, you're probably not going to get in, I would say. Yeah. So, look, fingers crossed. Do that thing that you did last year. Line up around the block.

Hopefully, you get in. It's always a fantastic night where it's not recorded. In no way do we release any of this. Yeah. So, we get pretty drunk. Everyone gets very drunk. It's a bit more visual. It's the genuine – well, this is what I kept saying actually

to Des Bishop the other day. It's an unrecorded. Oh, wow. No big deal. I kept saying, oh, it's an unrecorded podcast. And he's like, if it's not recorded. Do the accent. If it's, wow.

Hey, I'm listening to Chandler over here. Hey, Chandler, I'm walking here. Get out of my way. So, yeah, anyway, he's Irish. So. No, he's not. He lives in Ireland. He lives in Ireland.

That makes you Irish. So, it's Queens in Ireland. He lives in Ireland. That makes you Irish. So, it's Queens in Ireland. In a good Dublin taxi cab. Hey, get a slice of pizza pie with some fucking potatoes on it. Yeah, yeah. Get a bit of shamrock pastrami in you. Is this, if we do three more, is it going to come back around or is it just done?

No, that's done. So, anyway, my point being, he was like, if it's an unrecorded podcast, that's called a show. That's not a podcast. Which, I don't know, that's fair, I guess. It's not a podcast. Maybe we should stop calling it an unrecorded podcast. Yeah, maybe.

But, you know, everything's very transient at the moment. We're creating new terms. It could be in the dictionary this time next year. We're explorers of content. So that's what it is. It's the drunk cast. It's the legendary drunk cast. Is it the fifth? Is it the fifth? Oh, man, I believe it is the fifth. So it keeps growing. It gets absolutely, like everything we do, it gets bigger every year. So we'll seriously be knocking some people back this year, I reckon.

Sorry if that happens to you, but there's really not a lot we can do about it. Yeah. We made the rules early on this year and we've got to change them next year. We've got to make it a bit, I don't know, easier, fairer, more transparent ways of getting in. We'll work out a way.

But the venue is the size that it is and we've sold as many as we've sold and we can't – don't take it personal but fuck you if you don't get in. Yeah. If you don't get in, do something to yourself. Wow. Something bad. Yeah.

Yeah. So – yeah, try and get in. Try and get in. It's going to be heaps of fun. So anyway – so then after that oh wait our solo shows our solo shows are still going oh I forgot that

because we don't need to advertise because it's they're selling so well thanks everyone who's come down so far scant few chances left to come and see those and I literally got a text message just then after the show tonight

which said from a listener saying you guys undersell yourself too much on the podcast. Both solo shows were excellent. So anyway. That's what I think. We give each other too much shit about the quality of our work that I think a lot of people, you can't rely on everyone

operating under the veneer of irony that we do. I think it's fair enough that a lot of people go, well, they always talk about how shit each other are. So why should we pay money to go? Well, yeah, that's fair to comment back. I also think, like, you know, our numbers go up every year. So I think it's still working. Sure. It's still following.

Yes, it's taking a while, but it is still working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, literally, we get better numbers every year. So thanks to everyone who has come out. It's been a lot of fun. You've got a couple more chances to come back. But, yeah, genuinely, they are a good show. So they've been going very well.

And they've certainly going very well. And they've certainly got big elements of Dum Dum to them. So if you're worried about the fact that you love the podcast and not sure about the stand-up, you know what? Our classic witty charm is spread throughout our solo shows. It's not confined to the podcast. Yes, yes. Get into that. And then, of course, after that, we go on a little bit of a break.

I mean, you won't notice the break because there will still be some sweet content coming out every Wednesday but what we will be gearing up for is the Rich Young, the fucking idiot and his dumb ass stupid piece of shit YouTube channel called Guru One

the pile of piss Fuck him. Yeah, kill yourself and anyone who ever met you presents the Costa Mui International Podcast Festival. Yeah. Almost memorised it. So get onto that. Go to our website and check out all the details. The dates are May 31 to June 5.

We don't have a recommended airline carrier at the moment. It's just get the best prices. We have many that we would give an anti-recommendation to because they denied our request for sponsorship. Yes, totally. Should we name them? All of them. Yeah.

All of them except the one we're on. And even then, I don't really want to shout them out because fuck them as well. Walk. Walk if you can. Yeah. Yeah. Follow what Ballard says and start the boats.

Get a boat over there. So check those dates out. Of course, if you are going to do that, we've made it as easy as we can for you because we have got an excellent deal with the Ozo Chuang Samui Resort who I've been dealing with. They're getting ready to get our live podcast ready over there. I've been emailing them today with tech requirements and stuff like that. They're excited. They're getting ready to get our live podcast ready over there. I've been emailing them today with tech requirements and stuff like that.

They're excited. I don't think they know what they're in for, but they're excited. They are on board with us. They definitely don't know what they're in for. Well, this is the amusing thing to me. Today's news with them is that they're pretty keen on us to do our podcast outside. Great. Which will be fun. It'll be very warm. We can do it podcast outside. Great. Which will be fun.

It'll be very warm. We can do it at night. It's a festival. Yeah. But the thing is I've said to them, are your other guests prepared for this to happen? And they're like, yeah, we'll send a little newsletter around the hotel. Yes.

That's so good. So I don't think they know that there's going to be like five, six... Well, this is good for us. We might get listeners. Yeah, we might get five, six, seven drunken Australians just yelling cunt at each other at eight o'clock at night while other people are trying to eat the seafood buffet next to us. Hey, look, you know, that happening, seven of us yelling cunt at each other, amplified in public,

still not the worst behaviour that Australians have committed over in Bali. Very fair. I mean, Thailand. Yeah, very... Please, that's Very fair. I mean, Thailand. Yeah, please. That's first and last warning there, Tommy. Am I going to be banned from going on the trip? I will not hear my love desecrated in such a way. So, yeah, that is all happening.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. You can still chip in on the GoFundMe page. You can grab a T-shirt. We've got the excellent T-shirts with the artwork made by Tommy Dasy dasolo the elephant t-shirt and the uh uh dum dum singlet that you can get on the website again have a good look at they are man they i think they're the best artworks that you've you've been responsible for and the best bit of merch that we've done yeah i think the best bit of merch i wouldn't go so far as to say it's the best piece of artwork i myself have ever done no i've said it okay yeah well Yeah. Well, I wouldn't.

That's it. It's up there. Number one. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder. And I think you and your artwork are beautiful. Thank you, Carl. So, yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. That is going to be sick. Oh, if you want to come and you're going to book through the Ozo Chawang Samui Resort,

get onto their website. Get onto their official actual website and use the promo code podcast when you check out and you'll get a sick ass discount. It is ridiculous. Please support the guys that are supporting us. But mainly you're doing it for yourself. Yeah. Because the deals are so good.

Like I keep saying, people keep emailing me saying, man, it's so good. Like I expect everyone to get the cheapest room. People aren't even getting the cheapest room because it's so cheap to get all the other rooms that are actually, you know, you can literally get, you know, like sea view rooms for not that expensive. Pool view rooms.

You know, you sort of expect it for the prices that you're paying to get some fucking janitor closet. If you can't get a sea view room, you're going to be there so people will get a lot of sea bomb views. Yes. Yes. You'll be able to see. He did get a lot of sea bomb views. Yes. Yes. You'll be able to see.

He did it. Yeah. He did it. Yeah. Yes. Man, there's someone distracting us. Some construction worker here who's asking us to hold a sign for him. Yeah.

There's someone, someone's really sort of going through Tinder and just showing me random people on there. So. Anyway. Stop snorting. um so whoever you might be yeah someone that's big enough to have breathing problems is snorting at us i don't know why they're doing that anyway anyway so um let's get through this we very thankful to everyone that supports us on a little website called patreon if you go to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, again, there's a link through our own website.

If you get confused or lost throughout the internet, it's a big place. So find it. You can chip in, chuck us a few shekels every month, and we give you little rewards and prizes. We give you a magazine. We can give you a bonus hour or so episode that no one else gets. It gets emailed to you every month. And, of course, the biggest thing of all, you get your little name read out on a big time

podcast that basically turns you into one of the famous people of your friendship network. It's hard to believe that this segment is only just over a year old. What did we used to do in the show before we did this? Waste our time. Yeah. We could have been reading out names out of the phone book back then. It would have been the fuck. We would have, you know, it's taken us a while to get this big.

We would have been reading out random names in our first year. We'd fucking have our own radio show by now. That's what I wanted to say to you. We've been talking about doing this for a while at the Drunk Cast. Why don't we actually do it this year? Let's do some prank calls on stage. Oh, wow. I think we should definitely do a Patreon element.

Yeah. A name element. We should do something fucked. Yeah. Okay. So we've got a guest here to help definitely do a Patreon element. Yeah. A name element. We should do something fucked. Yeah. Okay, so we've got a guest here to help us go through these names. Right. Have we? Yeah.

Do you want to? I couldn't. I actually wasn't sure whether he was going to talk on it or whether he was such a fan of this podcast he just wanted to hear it. I couldn't figure it out. Well, it's up to him. I mean, he's got a mic that is live. Look, it's up to you now, whoever you are.

If you want to contribute, fine. But also maybe you just want to sit and watch the magic happen right in front of your eyes whoever you are if you want to contribute fine but also maybe you just want to sit and watch the magic happen right in front of your or even if you want to eat the microphone it's up to you got me you're just walking walking past guys what's going on you're recording a little radio show hi dillwork jai singh oh hey tommy deslo and carl chandler you've been sitting here the whole time we've been doing this, watching YouTube videos. Very generous of you to not turn the sound down at all while you've been doing that. I did enjoy having to sit through you guys,

go through my alleged ad again. Why were you going to jump in? I thought, you know what, I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't want to ruin what I paid for. Hey, this has ruined itself. Don't worry about it. You're so polite. We're actually in the room at the European Beer Cafe

where both of our solo shows are, where the other night, 10, 15 minutes in, you walked past the window, knocked on the window, laid down and waved at everyone and then put your flyer in the window to advertise your own show within my show. So where was that politeness then? I figured you'd need a bit of cunty energy on the other end.

It was good. I think he needs cunty energy. I reckon he's got that in spades. I always like a bit of help. It's fine. Another log on the fire won't go astray. Cunt loves company. That's how the saying goes. Hey, do you want to quickly get the details

right? Do you want to read them out? Yeah, it's... No, it's my show? No. It's 7 p.m. World's best comedian in the world. 7 p.m. till Sunday, 6 p.m. And I've got an extra show on April 22nd, Saturday at 5.30 p.m.

There you go. In Town Hall. So there you go. Yeah, come there. So, Patreon subscribers, we read their name out and here it comes. Are you guys ready? We're going to do five. Number one, thank you to Patreon subscriber Joshua Barnes.

Barnsy. He's a working class man. Class dumb cunt. That's where he got all his money from? I sort of did him in a live ep because he came up in the email thread. He was complaining that he hadn't been read out and then heaps of people – yeah. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Yeah, the squeaky wheel gets two lots of oil in this case.

Yeah, well, because you read it – Where does he take the oil? You read it and so I didn't mark it down on my little list, so that's how that's worked. Yeah. All right, Barnsley. What, did you read Barnsley as a Patreon subscriber, thank you, or just the emails going, hey, this idiot's –

No, because he started talking on there about how he hadn't been read out on Patreon yet. And then everyone on the thread did our work for us and started... This happened two weeks ago on the show. I should listen. Yeah. Wait, you don't listen? How do you know that we're cunts then if you've never listened?

When this comes out, you will literally listen to this bit again. Just after I jump in Yeah No you'll listen to the first bit You'll love it Joshua Barnes Alright well you know what

It's not dirty when you say it like that You feel dirty You love it Yeah you do You love this podcast Yeah you do You love us You fucking idiot

Why would anyone love us But you do you idiot Thanks Josh That's basically That's just your message to all your fans and love us but you do you idiot thanks Josh that's basically yeah that's just your message to all your fans you love us

you fucking idiot thanks for the money you fucking morons well it was more it was more aimed at you but anyway Rich Young so

thank you to Joshua Barnes thanks Josh thanks JB look me for one more Joe Barnsey song and I tapped out of Working Class Man

what is this he got I don't know enough K-San that's a Cold Jizzle song officially Talk me for one more job, Barnsey song, and I tapped out of Working Class Man. What else has he got? I don't know enough. K-Sam. That's a Cold Jizzle song, officially. Oh, I don't know. K-Chan. Oh, K-Chan.

That's good. K-Sam. Well, the last train out of Maryborough is almost gone. I'm heading down to Ballarat. And I'm going to Bum. The last ride out of Marybong is gone. Fuck, what can I do with flame trees? Nothing. There's nothing I can do. Flame trees?

Yeah. Lame breeze. There you go. See? The Sri Lankan edition of Mad Magazine has done it again. And Wayne Brady better watch out. There's a new dark improvising town. Oh, Jesus.

Once again, thanks, Josh. Whale Brady. Wayne Gravy. That happens so much when you're on. I say one and then I see the delight in your eyes and then I realise at the same time, wait, you think of one as well? Wayne DD. Double D. I didn't get that at all. a light in your eye and then I realise at the same time, wait, there's a second one as well! Wayne, Wayne

DD. Double D. I didn't get that at all. Double D. Double D bra. Thanks, Joshua, again. Fifth time. Thanks, Josh. Thanks, Matt Saville. Saville. Saville, yeah. Related to James, aka Jimmy.

Jimmy Saville. Oh, the famous pedophile. Fuck. Jesus. Jimmy Savile. Oh, the famous pedophile. Fuck. Jesus Christ. Thanks for the sweet, sweet. Hopefully there's not a royal commission into this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck.

What is that noise? Thanks for all the candy you've sent us. Thanks for touching all that money you have and giving it to us. I think it was highly appropriate what you've done there. You have molested that wallet. Thanks for pedo-filing away a bit of money each month in order to donate it to us. Fido filing away a bit of money each month in order to donate it to us.

Thanks for leaving a long-lasting scar on our Patreon account. For fiddling with the bank account. Fiddling with the numbers, yeah. Raping a child. Oh, no. That doesn't fit. No. Let's go back to Josh Barnes. Jesus.

Remember those halcyon days where nothing bad happened? Nothing bad happened in the bun. Jesus. You just hear the cows mooing for no reason. Oh, no. Joshua, get out of the bun. I think this is saying a lot, but I'm happy to go there. Is this the worst one of these we've ever done?

Whoa. This poor guy chips in, oh, yeah, you've got a name like that. He was child molester. I'm sure he's never heard that as well. That's what's genius about this. Certainly not in public. Savile? What was his first name?

Anyway, look, man, let's move on, move on, move on. Thanks, Matt. Yeah, move on. Number three, thank you to Martin Bryant. Thanks, Martin. Thanks for subscribing, for sheckling your cigarettes away in jail Number three, thank you to Martin Bryant. Thanks, Martin. Thanks for subscribing, for sheckling your cigarettes away in jail and sending them to us on your Patreon account. We really appreciate it.

You're a big listener. You love the show, apparently. You say we go a bit too far, but, you know, like... Can I read your next one? It's one of those ones with the comma. Harris Roloff? Harris Roloff. Oh, I get it.

Jesus. Tie me. Wall it down, mate. Fuck. What can I say? We've got some great fans out there that share the same values that we have. So, anyway... This is the worst night of my life.

That's what you Saville's saying.ile bit of respect for someone who's had nothing but respect for for i reckon if you've got a name like that the onus is on you to start changing it like there must have been a young hitler at some point but how bad does it have to get before you go? Is there, like, a young Einstein movie called Young Hitler with Yahoo! Series? Yeah. You don't hear of a lot of Hitlers going around, do you? Yeah.

I mean, not even any Adolfs you hear going around. Well, yeah. I was thinking of calling my show next year. You guys seem surprised by this. You guys had a go at my festival title this year. Next year I want to call it Adolf Hitler. That's good. I reckon I can sell some good tickets.

One Nation supporters would love it. The third helping. The third sprite. Yeah. What? Ouse fridge. Yeah. What?

Ouse fridge. Alphabet soupville. Schindler's menu list. Yeah, no. Mine's damper. Oh, it doesn't quite work. Mine can't. Mine for curry. Mine for campfire food. I don't know.

All right, let's get off that. Thank you to... That's what Saville should have said. Oh, my God. This is the worst. We don't get in trouble like that when it's just me and you, Tom. I can't believe I'm a sponsor to this. Thanks, Tom. I can't believe I'm sponsored. Thanks, Will.

Send all complaints via Tofop and Will Anderson. Yeah, if you... All we're doing, we're just reading out the script that he prepared for us. Yes. If you don't like this, don't unsubscribe from us. Unsubscribe from the Tofop Patreon because that's what caused this.

Oh, God. Sorry, everyone. Thank you, too. Peter Burton. Thanks. Oh, God. Sorry, everyone. Thank you too. Peter Burton. Safe ground here. Thanks to Peter Burton. Peter Burton. Peter Burton. Burton Ernie. It's like us. You know,

Burton Ernie, me and you. We live together. People question our sexuality. You do have a Burton Ernie vibe. We do. We really do. Fuck. You know. Fucked Burton Ernie. Maybe We do. I just realized we really do. Fuck. You know.

Fucked Bert and Ernie. Maybe that's what we should do for the drunk ass. Does that make me a snuffle-offagus? Yes. Should the drunk ass be Sesame Street? Yeah, I was just thinking that. If we get the costume, I like it to be a surprise, but if we can do this, I don't mind losing the surprise. Bert and Ernie, snuffle-offagus.

Who's Big Bert? I would say Ballard. Yeah. Yeah. Ballard came to mind because he's tall. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the tallest of the sort of dum-dum repeats. You need a grouch, which is fucking

Dave Anthony if he was in town. Yeah. Oh, Big Bird, yellow, Fiona O'Loughlin liver disease. Oh, just yellow, Ronnie. Don't back away like that. You've gone with liver disease. Let me have racism.

That's the least. As a brown, as a dark skinned person, let me have this. You can have it. It's not a mine. You can have it. Who's Elmo? Speaking of. McGregor?

Lovable. Who's got? Speaking of... McGregor? Lovable? Who's got a cute laugh? Ben Lomas. Tickle me, Lomas. Comedy! Yeah, tickle me, comedy. Comedy. Who are the other characters in Sesame Street?

That's pretty much it, isn't it? Is Kermit in Sesame Street? Oh, yeah. No, he's not. He's a Muppet. He's a Muppet, yeah. He's made by the same people, but he's a Muppet. He's not a Sesame Street resident. Right, right, right, right.

Who else is on Sesame Street? Chandler got really touchy about the canon of Sesame Street. Very. I'm a big upholder of the Jim Henson rights. Yeah. Yeah. So, Peter Burton. Thanks, Pete.

Thanks for inspiring that riff Yeah Yeah that's what I Well what if he's one of those people That have said Hey I want more shit hung on me Fuck you Peter Burton Done

Moving on So thank you to James Thompson Tomo Jimmy Tomo JT JT

I love a good JT As a nickname That's a good That's a solid name I like James I like Jimmy better James Thompson I've got a good JT as a nickname. That's a solid name. I like James. I like Jimmy better. James Thompson. I've got a good mate that calls himself Jamie.

I call him Jimmy, though. Do you have friends with Matt Saville? No. Get off that. Sweet. Yeah. Don't. Never in your life.

Never again. Just for some context for people, it is 12.30am. It's so late. I'm delirious. It's so late. Let's get through this quickly. Let's give it to Jimmy Thompson. James Thompson.

Thanks, Jimmy. Is it James Thompson? It's James Thompson, yes. Oh, okay. Like I said, I want to call him Jimmy Thompson. I like Jimmy as a name. If my name is James, I would make sure it's Jimmy from now on. You have a childhood friend named Jimmy, don't you?

That's what I'm saying. That's what I just said. He calls himself Jamie. And every time he puts his name anywhere, it's Jamie. And a lot of his mates call him Jamie. But I like Jimmy. So I'm insistent on Jimmy. Did you get any nicknames with Carl?

No, there's nothing you can do with Carl. Carly? No. Caro? No. Like literally people, I remember people trying. Yeah. People trying and

Leave me alone, mum. Someone trying to do a bit of Taj Mahal Carl. Oh, wow. Yeah. I do mind that. That's good.

Taj. Taj, yeah. Taj over here. Oh, Taj. Everyone's like, which one's Taj? The brown one? No, no.

The guy from Maribor. He's Taj. Yeah, nice. You've got Ch one no no the guy from Maribor he's Taj yeah nice you've got Chando Changa in Maribor it was Changa or Chang Changa

yeah for some reason it's one of those weird things I always got it in Maribor everyone called Chandler in Maribor it's called Chang or Changa but as soon as I moved

somewhere else everyone was like what the fuck are you talking about I'm with those people yeah that's weird so the only person

that calls me Chang is Mooney because I've said the same story to him and he goes, well, your name's Chang from now on. Right. So, yeah. I have tried to call you Chang a few times because of Hawthorne player Chance Bateman's nickname was Changa.

Oh, right. And I started bringing back some Changa. Yeah. Oh, well, it's welcome. You know, it's a nice little nickname from yesteryear. It's a bit of nostalgia. So, please, feel free to call me Changa. Where did you get Thomas other than Tommy? I didn't really get anything because of all the soppies. No friends? year, it's a bit of nostalgia. So please, feel free to call me Changa.

I didn't really get anything because of all Soppy. That was kind of the extent of it. Thanks, James Thompson. Thanks, Tomo. Last one. Let's get into it. The last one. Let's see. Haven't given their first name.

Just a title. Okay. Thank you to our last patron subscriber of the night. Thank you to Mr Comedy. Oh. Yeah. The guy actually in charge of what we all do. Oh, wow. The head office is checking in.

Yeah, he's a listener. And they like it so much that he's contributing. Yeah, just a minimum. Or her. Yeah. Mr, is it spelled out or is it MR? MR. Could it be like a short and formal like Mary, Rachel comedy?

Or maybe just like some sort of, I don't know what culture you would have. Massively riffing comedy. Murr. It could be murr. Murr bar. Like murr bar. Murr burr. Murr burr, yeah.

Murr comedy. Murr. Murr. Murr. Well, anyway, I think I speak for all of us here and all the people listening at home when I say, thanks, comedy. Yeah.

I just wish Mr Comedy was here tonight during this advertising. Do you reckon that's just the title? Do you reckon the first name's actually Bad? Bad At. Bad At. Bad Comedy. No. It's Mr. Comedy and I don't want to guess his name off. How much has Mr. Comedy chipped in?

Two bucks. That explains so much about this podcast. It's all falling into place now. All the money Mr. Comedy has made from the thing he invented and he's decided to kick two bucks back to us. It's much appreciated. It's come from the great man, from the president of what we do, the art form, the inventor of it, the administrator of it.

Carrying on the dynasty of comedy. Yeah. He let us in. He actually sold us the rights, the licensing to perform it as well. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So he's just given a little bit back to us, which I appreciate. Very good.

Mr. Comedy. There must have been – his grandparents must have invented comedy. Yeah, I guess so. The first people to go, you know what? These two words put together combined with a bunch of other words that made that person laugh comedy that's what i'm going to now take to the world right right i get you now yeah before that people just like sentences would have nothing yeah like like when people are called ironmonger because they used to be in ironmonger way back then

that guy used to be comedy so I get it fantastic alright Mr. Fantastic

I've just got nothing I'm just so tired but enough about your show I've run

out to be also for listeners some context we've had a big weekend it's off the back of the roast live episodes Run out. To be also for listeners in some context, we've had a big weekend. It's off the back of the roast.

Yeah. Live episodes. Our show, working during the day, I'm rooted. Yeah, I'm so fucked. Yeah. That's why my fifth contributor today was Mr. Comedy. Ironic. Ironic, isn't it? That's just a reminder of what you do.

What am I doing at the show? Bit of comedy. This is a comedy. Alright guys. Patreon.com. Finally even us are sick of the Patreon read. Yes. This is what it's like. I understand now. I'm sorry everyone.

We'll never do it again. I love that your energies were like oh let's get Dylan. This will help us. We did not ask for you to be here. It's like, you don't love us again. God, all right, guys. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Look at your face. It's like you've been through a warm back. Yeah. I should take a photo of this for the listeners tomorrow. Fucking hell. LittleDumbDumbClub.com, the drunk cast, the Coastal Movie International Podcast

Festival, our solo shows. Enjoy this week's episode with Tom Gleeson, Nazeem Hussain and Guy Montgomery. Bye.

Bye. Hey, mate! Hey, mate! Thank you, it is such an honour as the Little Dumb Dumb Club to be nominated for the Barry Award for 2017. Thank you so much. Welcome to the show. My name is Sammy Dastlow. Standing next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, digheads. Wow, did we get nominated for the Best Show in the Melbourne Comedy Festival? Yeah, didn't you hear this? Shouldn't we have registered to have... Yeah, but it's that good that we've gone above needing to register. Wow, fuck, we are good. we've gone above needing to register. Wow. Fuck, we are good. No wonder the crowd are so hot tonight.

Just an honour. I hope we win. It'll be so good for us. Who are we up against? Great question. Let me improvise some names right now. Rodney Rude. Right.

Ostentatious. Right. A third fucked one. Oh, us. And Dilwook Jai Singha. So that's some tough competition there. Oh, there was supposed to be more nominations, but I can see he took all of them, so. Yep, sure. That'll do for that bit.

Welcome, everyone. And a round of applause. Who here was at the roast that we did on Friday night? Okay, so for people at home, we did the official roast of Dilruch Jai Singer. We're still a bit fragile. Yeah. If you weren't here, you fucking missed out. It was two hours and it was absolutely brutal.

We all learnt something about ourselves that we didn't know. I had cancer. I had no idea. What did you think you were doing in hospital all the time? I don't know. I thought I was just hanging out. So, yeah, it was... I don't know.

Yeah, I'm still a bit shell-shocked. I don't know about you. Yeah, I did. If we could turn that phone up, that'd help. I think that's Tim calling in just to remind us of his highlights from the roast. Where were we up to? We haven't done anything yet. We're not up to anything.

We're still warming up the crowd. We're up to the bit where we walk on stage. The roast. What were you saying about the roast? We're up to the bit where we walk on stage. The roast. What were you saying about the roast? I still feel pretty shell-shocked from it all. It was quite an experience to cop that for two hours. Yeah. Even for me, I was like the next day, I'm like,

I only want to cover myself in positivity for a day. Yeah. You were saying to me the next day that you said it was almost too mean even for me. Yeah. Which, to be honest i was expecting it to be meaner which i don't know what that says what i think about you and the rest of the fucking motley crew that we dragged in yeah right right i i i don't know i don't know i need to rehab the next day i was like i went out to lunch with dillbrook jai singer and uh i was

just like oh man let's just let's just be. And all he wanted to do was, oh, I remember when someone told this joke. Wait, you said you went to rehab. You mean reflab. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? Would have been better on Friday night. Yeah, I don't know. It's such a weird thing to be in when the next day you're going like, yeah, all I did was get reminded for two hours about how I nearly died when I was 12 years old. What a fucking relief. Yeah, it's just lucky my friends were here.

But, yeah, I feel like we should try and, yeah, keep some positivity up for this episode. Yeah, I do. That's a great jacket. It looks really good on you. Have we started? You're good at comedy. They sound sarcastic. I'm not doing that

deliberately. I can't control my face. I'm having problems. Hang on, let me have a go. Yeah. You said nothing. I'm still thinking. If you can't think of anything nice to say, say nothing at all. That's good. I like the colour of your hat.

Thanks. Yeah. Feels good. It's not particularly funny, but this is just what we need right now. Yeah, right. Now that we're being positive, we've had about five seconds of positivity. The other night when we did the roast, when I started, as you'll see here, if you're at the live show, you can see the merch desk just there.

Well, Dil's standing in front of it, so you can't really see it now. We set that up, and as I was doing the sound check, one of you cunts came and stole a shirt. Are you here? The one that did it? Fuck, I got so mad. Someone come in and grabbed a singlet and put up their shirt and ran upstairs as we were getting ready for the gig.

And I chased him and grabbed the shirt back off him and went, don't fucking even bother trying to get back in, you little cunt. And I was like, hey man, I just wanted a singlet for my mum. I'll give you the money if it's that big of a deal. Hope that cancer jumps in quicker. What's that even mean? I don't know. It's at least Got to make sense

Come on I said cancer That was funny enough Hey He had it Not you Wow Big statement

So you reckon Of the 200 people here You're going on record As saying You reckon Not a single one of them Has been touched In any way by cancer

No but I feel I feel like it's like That racism thing When someone uses the N-word. It's like, oh, some of my best friends are black. Well, I got a... My mate had it, so I can say it. I'm not your best friend, you cunt.

I hate you. Positivity is kept up well. But, yeah, so someone stole a shirt and then I sat there for the rest of the gig. When people were coming in, I sat on the door and watched every single person come in until he came in last and then went, that's the one. Get the fuck out of here. And then he just went, yeah, fair enough, and then left. And I was getting ready to give his money back.

He didn't even ask for it. He just left. Fuck yeah. That's pretty good. So, yeah, is he here? I don't know why you don't know. Or his't even ask for it. He just left. Fuck yeah. That's pretty good. So, yeah, is he here? I don't know why you don't know. Or his mate's here. Okay. Is anyone here? Hands up if you've got the name Dave.

Wow, okay. No one with cancer or called Dave. Alright, we're working out who's here in the crowd. This is great. Happy Easter. Well, we've had some feedback. We've had some interesting feedback from the crowd. This is great. All right. Happy Easter. Well, we've had some feedback. We've had some interesting feedback from the roast. We did have a guy on our Facebook.

I don't know if people saw this, but the next day we put up a photo saying thanks, guys, for coming, and it was such a great night. Some guy, some cunt commented on our page, I realise that there's a degree of shambolicness to your live shows, but last night was ridiculous. You guys run comedy rooms and you know what makes or breaks a live show. Did you not think that having waiters walking on stage behind the performers every two fucking minutes

giving people drinks might be distracting? Now, that's fucked. Like, it wasn't waiters, it was fucking Milan, OK? What fucked restaurant are you in where that's the waiter? What is it, a Back to the Future themed restaurant where everyone dresses as Marty McFly? Fresh in your drink, you rat cunt. We'll just get some bread to start with.

Prove it, prove it. So then his follow-up was, oh, yeah, then you just said, so you saw it and then using all your comedic powers that are available to you, you responded from our page just saying, shut up. And he goes, yeah, good stuff. Why don't you do one next year and have people bring food to you on stage, hey?

Why don't you just have a urinal set up at the back of the gig so you can just go to the toilet on stage without having to leave? And I've got to say, sounds great, bro. Yep. Why don't we fucking do that? Get the manager in here. Let's get this set up for next year. It's a big pisser at the back of the stage.

No, let's get it for the drunk cast in a week's time. A genuine good idea. We will be taking a piss on stage. Oh, people not that into that idea. All right. What a fucking idiot. Weird. The end.

Just another thing that you get if you come to the live show. If you're just listening at home you probably won't even see us piss. Hey so let's talk about this quickly. So of course next

week we have the drunk cast which now has some big shoes to fill. Yep. Now who's planning on coming to that? Fuck.

We might be in trouble. In what way? That's too too many people i think there was only 30 people then that's okay well so we've been planning it we've been talking about trying to do like a a pre-party kind of thing which now we talked about this a few weeks ago we are now in bed with young henry's the beer company they've they've said that they'll give us a few slabs a bit of a bit of contra a bit of product for mentioning them on the show and we've been trying to work out what we could possibly do with this beer

because we can't, you know, we'd put something on here and go, great, we've got the beer, but you can't just like, you know, give away a different brand of beer in a bar that doesn't serve that beer when they're trying to make money. So what we're thinking of doing is what if, who would be into this if before the drunk cast, if we have like a pre-drinks party where we book a hotel room somewhere and you can come in, we'll make tickets enough to cover the cost of the room

and then we'll just have the slabs of young Henrys there. Like one woman decided she was the spokesman for the entire audience. Yeah, we're all in. Let's only just book her. But what do you reckon? We could get a penthouse or something if we charge people enough. We had enough. Yeah, a magazine.

Yeah. Awesome. Yeah, we all take turns. Get drunk and jack off to a magazine. Yeah, we all take turns jacking off to it. And then when the last person has come, then it's time to go up to the gig. The come cast. Oh, no, we should be doing that on stage behind us.

Oh, I don't know. I think someone might be a little bit put off by that Sansoteeth Yeah So we'll put those details out during the week We want to do like a before drunk cast party Just to make sure that by the time we start the official gig We can't fucking talk anymore

So Yeah Should be good So hands up who genuinely who would cum That's fucking more than enough Yeah Yeah alright What if we just book out a whole backpack Genuinely who would come? That's fucking more than enough. What if we just book out a whole backpack?

What if we went to Thailand? Let's go to Thailand before the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. Let's go over there for a pre-Koh Samui Podcast Festival party. Sorry, pre-Rich Young is a fucking idiot and his shit-ass YouTube channel presents, you know the rest. Yeah. Alright, should we get a guest out here? Do you have any more you want to do?

Okay, folks. Very glad to welcome this guy back on to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. You know him from the Weekly. Please give it up and welcome onto the stage, Tom Gleeson! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Now, hey Tom, one of your frequent complaints about this podcast when you come and do live ones is that all we do is just sit up here and talk about the podcast itself. Yeah. How's today been for you so far? It's been horrendous. I don't listen to this podcast so I don't get any of it. I don't get it. I was back

there and I was thinking, this is taking fucking ages. Man, you should listen to it. There's half an hour before this bit happens. Are you sure you don't listen? Because that's the kind of feedback we get. I live out in the country in Romsey, in the Macedon Ranges so I do spend a lot of time in my car, which would be

the perfect time to listen to a podcast, but you know, the perfect time to listen to a podcast. But, you know, if I wanted to listen to comedians talk, I'd give them a fucking lift. I prefer music. So, Tom, you are on The Weekly at the moment. The show is on at the moment, currently. Are you trying to give the ABC a plug on your tiny podcast?

It's the national fucking broadcaster. Maybe I should mention the podcast on that. Yeah. No, I'm not going to do that. Just listen to it on the drive there. No, no, we like to talk about things that people care about. Also, middle of last year Rotten Ronnie Chang was

in the country and he was filming some stuff for you guys in advance and he got me to be in a thing that he filmed that he was like, this will be on the show. So I go and do it with him and then it comes time to put my poster together for the festival and I think, oh, that will have been on by then. So I can put As Seen on the Weekly on my poster. Great.

So I've put that on. We're nearly at the end of the festival. The fucking segment hasn't been on. So now I just look like some lying cunt on my poster. Yeah, well, we only put on stuff that's broadcastable. Like, from a quality perspective. And sometimes TV shows are as good as what you leave out. Can I at least have the footage, please?

But also, isn't the other credit you have on your poster, you've got, as seen on the weekly, you weren't. As written on Please Like Me, didn't you go in there for like a half day? No, I worked on it for a couple weeks. Oh, did you? Yeah, I worked on all the scripts. Oh, okay, alright, take it back. Did you work on all the gay bits? It's only as good as the stuff

you leave out and then put in and then take out and then put back in again. You're like... You're trying to imagine things to do. Okay, so I'm rooting Josh. No, he's rooting me. I did kind of punch up on the scripts and I did think it would be funny as an experiment

to just send back my notes. I've just inserted myself into every scene. Yeah, and then he inserted himself into your fucking scene. I just sent back this horrific... I was reading one of them on the plane and there's one... They're very explicit in their descriptions of the sex scenes in those scripts. They are. And I was reading over them on the plane...

And you were punching them up. Yeah. I was punching out something, that's for sure. And yeah, just this woman was looking over my shoulder. It's like, you know, Josh takes this guy's cock in his hand and starts working him until he comes. Is that really in the script? Yeah.

Do you see that on TV? Yeah. Do you see Josh's dick on the show? No. It's all out of frame. Okay. Well, there's no need to really write that then, is there? If you can't see it, why would you bother doing that?

Just a bit of fun. Man's got to have a hobby. Was he even gay before you started writing it? that was my that's like how that guy who wrote that episode about Lisa being a vegetarian that was my big my first day in there

right just change it right up on him you wrote him out of the closet that was my punch up I punched open the door of the closet get out of there wow is this cool or not? I don't know.

I feel like we're being homophobic. Anyway, I just thought I'd put that out there. That silence confirmed us. It's kind of like if you just acknowledge that you're aware that you're probably kind of doing it, it sort of makes it okay. We're being ironic. Yeah. Probably.

I'm going to go and do an ironic poof-de-bashing. Oh, imagine. Imagine doing this. As a joke. Come on, laugh, Josh. None of that's okay. None of it's okay. Oh, is that the allure of podcasts?

Yeah, yeah. Is that why people listen? Oh, that's great. Yeah. Because somehow you can say whatever like we've said so many fuck things and desperate to get quoted in the paper as being like the bad boys of podcasting no one ever cares it doesn't matter what like will anderson comes on says whatever the fuck he wants and it doesn't get in the paper so you can say whatever you want right now all right well i did pretty well then yeah right yeah now we've given you permission to take your foot off the brake.

Just go for it. Yeah, hashtag ironic poof to bashing. We'll get that trending. Just to be clear, whoever wants to come to our pre-drunk cuss party, you can be gay or straight. All right, guys? But not bi. We will not allow that.

Yeah. Not bi. If you are straight, Dastlo may have punched you up by the end of the party, though. So, Tom, we were talking before about the roast that we did in here If you are straight, Dastlo may have punched you up by the end of the party, though. So, Tom, we were talking before about the roast that we did in here on Friday night. Now, we would have loved to have had you involved. I think you had a show on at the same time.

Yeah, that's right. You just didn't care to be here. Yeah, I was performing to a larger crowd. With a higher ticket price. I was making a lot of money at the time, yeah, instead of doing your thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many waiters were walking behind you while you were doing it though, you fucking amateur? I don't know, my show was so big it

could have absorbed the losses of your show. It could have really helped you out. You could have been a tax deduction for my show. Right off. Well, we did Our dream team would have been to have you there If you weren't so busy Been so successful But we sort of did imagine

Fuck, what if we had had you there? Like we had I mean, who was on the roast the other night? We had me and you Yeah, Fleety, Dil, Cody, Becky, Sloss, Ballard Yeah, Ballard Now, well, obviously Ballard, Sloss, Ballard Yeah, Ballard Now, well obviously Ballard's easy for you Oh yeah, Ballard's really easy

Only ironically though, not if you want to get serious I could ironically go to town on you Actually you know what I will say about Tom Ballard is he's doing a great show this year and you should go and see it if you want to see what I will say about Tom Ballard is he's doing a great show this year and you should go and see it if you want to see what I was doing three years ago. The champ is here. So does that mean he's bashing himself in that show?

No, he's doing some really good political stuff like I did in 2014. Doing some sweet Julia Gillard gear this year, is he? Yeah, who'd rip an end to it? Oh, that's good. What about... I don't mean to put you on the spot. Oh, Becky Lucas.

I can't make fun of her because you need a profile. Like when you make jokes about someone, people have to know who you're talking about. Right, right. Clearly I can't insult a nobody. Good luck with your jokes about us. Yeah, you've kind of paid us a compliment there. That's great.

We've been elevated. What about Nick Cody? Rising star Nick Cody. Nick Cody has based his entire career on having a beard. During a time when heaps of people have fucking beards. It's not even unique. His whole career is based on not shaving.

His whole career is based on something my grandma could do. Suck off your grandpa? What? Yes. In fact, he went over and he did Conan O'Brien and I think he was busy during his spot growing a beard. He forgot to be funny. It's a good ad for all the people who missed out on the actual roast.

We worked hard on ours, but fucking Gleeson's just going like that. Who have we got left? All right. Oh, Dilrick Jai Singer. You got anything on him? Alright. Oh, Dil Rukjai Singer. You got anything on him? Oh, yeah, yeah. Dil. Are we allowed to make fun

of him for putting on weight? Is that what you do? Let's check. Should we? Let's call our lawyers. Are you guys cool with that? I don't know. First time for everything.

I think he puts on weight to distract from the lack of jokes in his show. He's always described as a very charming performer. Never a funny performer. Have you noticed that? He's so charming. I just love him. You just like him. You want to give him a hug?

Do you want to laugh? No. It's the true ones that hurt the most, isn't it? Wow, that one was so funny. Even Dilla. What about, who have we got left? Oh, the great Scottish comedian, Daniel Sloss. Oh, fuck, I meant Irish. I fucked it up.

He's... What's his thing? He's well known for being accomplished at 26. Is that right? I don't know much about him. Yeah. Well, he reminds me of when I was 26 doing stand-up. He's competent. Inspiring?

No. Competent. That's the closest to a compliment you've got. That's nice. Confident. I would take that. Yeah. Yeah, I know, but you can't because you're not.

I've been very happy about your show this year, actually. It's been going really well because you've worked out your shows do a lot better when you have people in it that aren't you. You hit upon that winning formula about five years ago. For a long time, he was just doing festival shows with only him in them and no-one would ever turn up. As soon as he got other comedians in his show, people were like, we should have a look at this.

Still not that many more, to be fair, but still. Fuck, we need to do the roast again next year, but just have Gleeson in it. Shut up, Tommy. You're like a middle-aged man trapped in a middle-aged man's body. Sometimes you have an idea and you just put it on the shelf and you just leave it sitting there and then you just fucking grab it. To be quite honest, before he came here tonight, I did text Tom and said, look, we might be talking about a roast in case you've got your say.

And he goes, I've got a massive hate file on everyone. I'm always ready to go. Oh, man. Should we get our second guest on? Let's get our second guest out of here first. And you can give us your call on him. Alright. Folks, you may have seen this guy recently on I'm a Celebrity. Get me out of here. Please welcome in the little Dunlop Club Nazeem Hussain!

Ah! I am so scared. Is this going to be worse than eating fucking spiders in the jungle? I'd rather be eating anus right now. Oh, I think Tommy's written a part for you. Please eat my anus. I'm a celebrity. Eat my anus. That'm a celebrity, eat my anus.

That would be a good show. How was it being in the jungle and eating all the stuff that Dil eats right here? Ty and Fat, I got out of the jungle, on the train someone recognised me, and the person next to him didn't recognise me, and the guy who recognised me said, Hey, you're from the jungle! And it just sounded... That's not great.

I played along. I was like, excuse me? LAUGHTER Fuck. Man, I actually got asked to do I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here and I said no and then they got you. LAUGHTER I don't think the step was that quick I think a few

more rungs yeah yeah who's the next best similar person oh yeah from minorities you're a ranger I'm brown yeah persecuted minorities so what what um so you did you said no you literally did get asked to do it yeah it's got money that's the problem yeah well that's the intriguing thing so what can we ask what they offered you oh no I didn't even get to being... They didn't even tell me how much. I just said no straight away. Oh, really?

That much money? Are you serious? Or dignity? I didn't even ask how much money it was. I just said no because it's a shit show. Why would you do that show? I just don't really know. Can I say I didn't even do it for the money.

Like, it was just for charity for me. So that's what it was all about. It's weird when you do a show and, like, people find out who you are on a show where you're a celebrity. What the fuck's with that, my thing? So what would it take for you to do that show? How much money? How much money would...

I mean, what does it pay normally? Like, what did you get paid? A couple of thousand bucks. About 3,000 bucks. 3,000 bucks. Bullshit. Wait. Can't give away my price.

All right. Yeah. What would it take? Half a mil? Is half a mil to go over there for a month? I'll think about it. You think about half a mil? Yeah.

What about... It's a lot less than half a million. I don't want to compete with... You know, that's like... You know, that's like... You know, that's not even my box office from this festival. That didn't sound true. I didn't pull it off, did I? I'm always intrigued by exactly what people would do

for exactly what amount of money. Like, that's... I meant that nicer than the way it came out. Well, I did an ad for Red Rooster. There you go, I did that. But it wasn't for the money. It was because they gave me a trip to New York. Oh, right.

Yeah, so they flew me and my wife to New York and we got to stay there for a week in a good hotel. That's kind of for the money because normally you'd pay for that. Yeah, I know. So that's about $7,000. No, but I didn't do it for the wage, which I got as well. Right, right. No, but I didn't do it for the wage, which I got as well.

Right, right. I just did it because I like chicken. Yeah. I can see the new face of Red Rooster right now. No, there's got to be Red Rooster left for the customers. Dil, it's just prop chicken. Oh, man. And they'd have to buy two, you know, double the seats that they bought you, Tom.

I fucked a fat guy. Seamless. Jesus Christ. Christ. I'm still rattled from the other night. So what about a mil? A mil to do? I'm celebrating.

I reckon I'd be able to justify it to myself. A million. A million. But they don't pay that much. It's not that. to justify it to myself. A million? Yeah, but they don't pay that much. It's not that. But you'd do it for a million? Yeah, I reckon, yeah. What about $990,000? Nah. Nah, nah, I'll stick to my price.

That's it? Yeah. $9.95? Yeah, nah. Nah, I'll stick to my price. That's why I do things. Alright. Oh, I'll abandon this version of the price as well.

So what... Because everyone got paid different amounts though, don't they, on the celebrity? you get paid depending on your level of fame. So I didn't get much at all.

Right. Legitimately, I got. You got a per diem of walking around right in the jungle? basically a per diem. Yeah,

they paid for the flights. And when you get there and when everyone's all hanging out together, are you openly talking about this? Is there someone swinging their dick around going,

this is what I want? Well, because the point of the show is that they get on big celebrities and they obviously don't. So when you meet each other, you have to act like you know each other. I had no idea who most people were.

And everyone had no idea who the hell I was. And you've got no phones. You've got no phones. You can't Google. You're kind of asking the crew. People were literally voting for Waleed. You think you're asking what? People were voting to save Waleed for me.

Did they think that you were just on day shift over there and then flying back for the project? I was literally walking around with a T-shirt that said my name on the back, but people were just like, whatever, Waleed. Yeah. Maybe one of the other people gave you a Waleed T-shirt and you didn't know.

And you're just walking around. Just like a six-week prank. That would be brutal if you go up to a crew member to be like, hey, which one's Tom Arnold? And he's just walking around. Just like a six-week prank. Yeah. That would be brutal if you go up to, like, a crew member to be like, hey, who's, who, which one's Tom Arnold? And he's like, me. Like. Oh, yeah. Fuck.

What about, what about, we've been thinking of, like, what you would do. What, what, you know, I mean, you've got your own shows. Yeah. What would you, is there any other show on TV that you would actually be, want to be part of? To be on? Oh, I've always really wanted to be on Insiders. On the ABC.

No, I'm serious. I'd like to sit on the couch and talk about politics. Oh, really? And not be funny. Yeah, I'd love it. Right. Oh, yeah. I'd be really into it.

It's my favourite show. Right. Yeah. I can set the alarm on Sunday morning. What about Q&A? Q&A? I've been asked to do Q&A and I'm not joking. It's my favourite show. Right. Yeah. I set the alarm on Sunday morning. What about Q&A? Q&A. I've been asked to do Q&A and I've said no. Why's that?

Because I'm worried that I'll be opinionated and I'll forget to be funny. Like all the other comedians that go on there. Just when Ballard thought he'd stopped copying it. Oh, man. And, you know, we want to know what you really think. And it's like, yeah, but that's not funny. I don't want to do that. Yeah.

I'd rather imply something. Yeah. All right, let's get our third guest in. All right, folks, you will know him from the Worst Idea of All Time podcast. It's his first time on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Please give it up and welcome to the stage Guy Montgomery. Yes. Hey, Guy. Hey, everyone. Hey. What up, bruh? Uh-oh. Hey, guy.

Hey, everyone. Hey. What up, bruh? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hey, mate, you heard the feedback. Fuck off. Fuck off, Garcon.

Piss off, Manuel. I'm all right, Milan. Manuel. Okay. Stop, yeah, stop pissing on us. I don't know why he's so generous. Didn't he make all his money from DVDs? Yes.

Well, that's going to end. Save your money, Milan. You've got to fucking get a stockpile going, buddy. I'm just saying, streaming is fucking good. That's what I've been saying too. That's why we want the urinal up the back here. Guy, thanks for joining us. Thanks for coming down.

Hey, thanks so much for having me Truly a pleasure Is that you trying to do the roast? No, it's genuinely I'm very excited I've noticed it's a very good thing you boys have guests, isn't it? If you were to grade this on a laugh curve

it's like, eh Oh laugh curve, it's like, oh, wow, it's actually quite fun. Yeah, it really did pick up when I came on. I noticed that too, yeah. Now, Guy, you are visiting the festival from New Zealand. Yes. Now, we need to get something out of the way here because we've talked about, you might remember this, Tom,

this happened once when you were on the show a couple of years ago, we've talked about a certain New Zealand comedian on this show before. Yeah, I mean if you're a long term listener, we did talk about one time where at Spleen, Comedy at Spleen, there was Oliver Clarke, friend of the show, he dresses up like a real fancy boy, he has a lounge outfit like he's in Vegas, he likes to come to the gig in plain clothes and then get changed. He one gig he left his plain clothes backstage and a New Zealand comic

shit his pants and then got Oliver's clothes and put them on over the top. What? And then left the gig. And Oliver went to get his pants and they were missing and we saw this guy screwed out with these weird pants on.

How did you know he shat his pants? No, no, wasn't it something like Oliver's going, where are my pants? And then someone from the bar saw him putting them on on the security cameras. Yeah, that's right. So you chase down after him after the street and they go, why have you taken this guy's pants?

What have you done? Because it's really hard to find size 31 pants. He was like, oh, I shit myself backstage before the gig and I was embarrassed. I didn't want to tell anyone And I saw these jeans lying around And I thought I'd just Put them on to soak up the shit

Before I did the gig So obviously I came on the podcast Under the proviso We would not be Dridging up What's already happened And

Well that's People still ask us about it And particularly people That have ever been in New Zealand They come back and go Tell us who the comic is Tell us who the comic is Who is it?

So we thought we'd just bring it up just to say to you, just tell the people whether it was you or not. Is it a cultural thing? Well, it's, no. It's a nerves thing. We don't get to perform in Australia a lot, and so for a lot of us coming over, it's a big step, it's a big leap. And certainly Spleen, I mean, what a beautiful setting for a beautiful show.

You get nervous fast. So yes or no? No, it wasn't you, was it? Well, and even if, I mean, I don't know why we're still talking about this. I just. It might be a thing, like in Australia, like they say, a thing to do before you go on stage, just imagine the crowd naked. Maybe New Zealand, you guys steal someone else's pants. Imagine you just ate to do before you go on stage, just imagine the crowd naked. Maybe in New Zealand you guys steal someone else's pants.

Imagine you just ate a curry before you go on. No, it's not even that. The saying is shit yourself, and that's literally the worst thing that can happen. Then go out there and have fun with it, you know? That was always the weirdest bit to me, though. Like he shut his pants, and instead of taking them off, he just put more pants on.

Wouldn't that feel worse? You can't waste a perfectly good pair of trousers because they've got a little shit in them, all right? It's a smell buffer, isn't it? Yeah. Well, then when we busted him, wasn't he saying to Oliver, he messaged Oliver and was apologising and saying that he was going to send him some Just Jeans vouchers back. It's like, cool, Just Jeans vouchers for fucking New Zealand. Yeah.

Is there even Just Jeans over there? Yeah, I mean, I can see that you guys are quite familiar with the catalogue. I haven't checked in for a while. I think they're still up and running. Have you ever heard this story before? Because a lot of New Zealand comedians do messages about it. No, I haven't heard about it and I would fucking love to know who it is. Yeah, I can't remember

who it is. Is it Ursula Carlson? Not sure the jeans would have fit. You guys draw such fucking arbitrary lines. I know. You can dump on Dill,

no problem. But they like Ursula. They like Ursula. Hey, Tommy had cancer. Yeah. Remember the good times? It was,

so, we'll have to figure out who it was because it's not a known, it's not a famous person. Oh, right. Because, well,

the big clue was they were from New Zealand. So, hey, you know once, because you've had cancer, do you have a card that. Oh, right. Because the big clue was they were from New Zealand. Hey, you know once, because you've had cancer, do you have a card that says you had cancer? So if you ever get pulled over by the cops for speeding, can you just go, I had cancer, here's my card? Yeah, it's a loyalty card. I've got like a black card, like at Nando's.

So now I can just get cancer for free now whenever I want it. Yeah, he's got a cancer card with just one stub taken out of it. What happens when you get nine? That's it on your frequent chemo card. I actually called up Nando's a week ago to ask about the black card. You know Briggs, his managers and other artists have the black card. So I called up and I said hi. And we've talked about the Nando's black card before.

Yeah, you just go and order whatever you want for free. So I called up and said hi, I represent Nazeem Hussain. I'm from Live Nation. And they said, what's your name want for free, yeah. So I called up and said, Hi, I represent Nazeem Hussain. I'm from Live Nation. And they said, what's your name? I said, Chris. And they go, sorry, Chris, what was your surname? And I said, Costanza. Anyway, I drafted an email I sent to my manager, Beck,

and she said she'd send it off. But yeah, so we'll see what happens, guys. So you drafted an email about pretending to be your manager and then sent it to your actual manager. Yeah, yeah, I got it. You've kind of done this the wrong way, I reckon. You sound a bit like you've shat your pants and then put another pair of pants over the top.

That's a weird way of doing things. My manager just makes up opportunities for me and I take them. Did you hear that, Beck? I don't have to say to him what should I be doing he just has really good ideas and I go well I'll do that

for instance hey I'm a celebrity called it's a hard pass from us but wait Nazeem aren't you a vegetarian? Nando's is halal damn straight Pauline their little logo kind of looks

like her with the little red kind of quill at the top. It's actually a secret Muslim symbol. So when you were in the jungle, your manager did have people logging into your Twitter account and being like celebrity tweeters, of which fuck I was one. Well, the bars just like the show

Anyone's a Celebrity, right? So I'm not good enough to be on the show where's a Celebrity, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm not good enough to be on the show where there's no celebrities anyway. I'm just good enough to be on the Twitter of the account of someone who isn't a celebrity. I was actually following the tweets from Nazeem's account and I would say you weren't really actually good enough to be on the... I was doing it and I was getting a lot of abuse

from your fans who were like sounds like your fans too yeah yeah exactly exactly I was like putting stuff out and they were going and there was like

these weirdly positive ones that were like look I really love Nazeem and it's lucky because fuck I hate you and I was having these ongoing wars with all your fans and I but the thing is I didn't want ongoing wars With all your fans But the thing is

I didn't want to do it on your account And get in trouble So I had to just quickly log in and out of my account He'd say something against me to your Twitter account And then I'd log out and go At Carl Chandler Fuck you But back into the zine

Wasn't it you that followed all the cat accounts And the sex accounts? Because there's all these sexy accounts No Alright Could have been me Oh yeah, nice try mate Nice try Just cop it Just cop to following them yourself Accounts and the sex accounts. Because there's all these sexy accounts. No. Could have been me. Oh, yeah. Nice try, mate.

Nice try. Just cop it. Just cop to following them yourself. I did have a look through the DMs. I'll say that. That was the first thing I would have done if I was in that position. Go trawling through the DMs. What's in there?

What's in there? No. This is boring. Just boring messages. Just weird fan sex fiction to Pauline Hanson. All right. Just inquiries to takeaway outlets.ine Hanson. All right. Just inquiries to takeaway outlets, you know. Is this Halal?

Kentucky Pride are you, Halal? Big Mac, you know, McDonald's are you, Halal? He's had a lot of fake managerial accounts and started DMing himself. No idea how the system works. You know, to complete the picture is if while you were doing nazim's account you became really well known and as a result of that you got to go into the jungle oh yeah and then it'd be like and then someone took over your fucking account yeah yeah very exciting yeah how are you the guy that was on yeah yeah you could have it on your poster i tweeted as nazim that guy who you barely remember from the jungle.

I like that the idea of Carl getting famous enough for that to happen was so abstract the room literally couldn't follow the idea through to its end point. I know. It's almost as if it's impossible for him to be famous. It's like it defies logic. What a cool superpower, dude. You're like Kryptonite for profile You refuse to be well known You could shoot the fucking Prime Minister

And steal people like I can't remember his name Headline of the Herald Sun Turnbull shot by Anonymous Stray bullet Takes our Prime Minister Harold's son. Turnbull shot by Anonymous. Stray bullet. Bullet comes out of nowhere. We believe it may have come from a very small venue.

My gig this year is at a booked depository. Sure, let's all have a sip at the same time. That's good for performance. Our Facebook friend will be happy about that one. I've got a celebrity get me out of here question. When you're in the jungle, does the show begin and end at any point? Because when you go and see a TV show, the show begins and it ends.

I suspect there is a beginning and an end to the show they're like are there times when you're not on camera like they're like we've got what we need for the day do whatever you want yeah so sometimes you go on trials and then you've got to leave the camp and they blindfold you to the van so that you don't see the catering vans and then you know you don't start talking about that wasting content so it's like we're prisoners of war And then from the van to the trial, you're basically in a van. And we're legitimately hungry. So are you saying that Channel 10 put a hood on a Muslim? That's it.

It's reverse ISIS. This is like rendition, isn't it? Exactly. They were like, name how it feels. Yeah, yeah. We're going to put this cloth on your face and waterboard you for a while. All you have to do is say, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. That's why Al-Qaeda's so pissed off.

Sorry, yeah. And then in the bands, we just went through people's handbags and stole Mars bars and music bars and stuff. So, yeah, we became crazy. And did you Did you have any Wet dreams on set No but Tom Arnold

Hey guy Great question Tom Arnold Admitted to waking up With a boner Over Lisa Curry Yes Like literally

Over her or Admitted to Got caught with What was He only got the I don't know if you saw Admitted to got caught with. What was he only got the I don't know if you saw but he was pretty aggressive. It's a family friendly show

so they can't show all the aggro stuff but he got at one point it looked like he almost wanted to run over to her and punch her. He got like borderline abusive.

But at least she's a tank. She would smash the shit out of him. So it didn't happen but you know. Hang on he hated her but he woke up with a boner over her.

Yeah, because he had this weird love-hate thing going on with her. Oh, yeah, it's like a hate boner. Yeah, like a... You know how it is. Yeah, I have them all the time. That would be... That almost sounds like that's a better show. I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here up late.

Yeah, I just want to see you go on. Well, they had a Joel host in it last year. It was called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Now. Oh. It did really well. Oh, yeah, it could be because he became well known from being a celebrity

on that. Yeah. Yeah, it's confusing. Hey, we've talked about this a bit on the show. Guy, you won't know this, but for

some reason my phone number is out there. Most of these people have my phone number for some reason. They're all getting

on their phone now to ring me and fuck the show up. That's what usually happens. We used to do that to our media studies teacher in year 10. We'd all hide our cell phones

around the classroom and just ring them up at different times because we really didn't like them. That's what we were trying to communicate. Can you speak English, please? Have you got two pairs of pants in your mouth or something?

Very troll boys. Oh, we're the same but different. That's us. That's us that he's impersonating. Was that me or you, that voice? I can't tell. Dude, what should we ask him now, Carl? Oh, you fuck sheep.

Yeah. I got him. I was doing an impression of an out-of-focus face in a plate shirt. That's what my impression was of. Shut up, you foot-rot-flats cunt. Welcome to the show. So, as I was trying to explain before, my phone number is out there.

So, I tend to try not to talk too much about it because I feel like it encourages you. I feel like you talk about it a lot and when you talk about it, you talk about how you don't like talking about it, but it sounds like you really want people to contact you. It sounds like you publicise the fact that your mobile phone

is out there and it still doesn't actually ring that often. Is that the new prank? Everyone's going to get the number of the European Beer Cafe and just ring it during our show? If only we'd turn the phone down. 0-4-3-8. No, don't do that one. Don't do it.

Fucking hell, they've got it already. You can read it out there like boring. Heard it. So I thought I would... Oh, man. I need to keep feeding the content machine really So that's why I've got to talk about it But I'll say a couple of these ones that have happened recently

Someone has signed me up This is not even a phone number thing This is more of an email thing to start with Someone has signed me up to a website called Balinese Singles Which I particularly take offense at because I go to Thailand not Bali I'm not going over there to meet anyone in fucking Bali you're not a bogan you go to Thailand like a bogan one step removed yeah exactly so anyway I haven't quite unsubscribed from it yet, but I will.

What's your profile like? Do you have a profile? Oh, fuck, I haven't checked that. So how do you know you signed up? I get emails every day with the latest hot Balinese women. Or men. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I literally haven't checked the actual...

Yeah, you're right, I might have an account. Get some of them into our pre-party next weekend. A hotel room. Maybe next year if we go to Bali next year. What if you went to Bali and it turns out you're a huge star there? There's like billboards everywhere. Carl Chandler, fuck machine. Yeah, like Rodriguez.

We all thought he was dead. Searching for Chandler It's a great documentary You've got to see it He was underappreciated He was living in a slum In Melbourne Don't talk about his venue like that

Much preferred to the prequel Search for a fanbase The Carl Chandler story And I'm even more legendary over there because obviously all these girls are trying to throw

themselves at me and it's like but he never responds to my email. It's fucking weird. And I wonder why don't people come to my shows

and I wonder. Fuck, now I'm copying it from him. That's the only guy who gets less people. So. Fuck. Nah Nah fuck you mate Fuck off

Shut up you no hope cunt They laugh more at your cancer than that one You run the venue yeah? Yeah So you have access to the numbers No Oh But I have eyes so I have access to numbers

Nah I'm doing fine Anyway So that was that But I have eyes, so I have access to numbers. Nah, I'm doing fine. Anyway. So that was that. I also... Now, this is a legitimate phone number thing. Someone... Now, this is... I'll be honest.

This is the best phone number thing anyone's ever done to me. Someone somehow changed the phone number online of Guzman E. Gomez South Yarra to my number. Get them on stage. They're fucking hilarious. Are you sure? Because just someone calling you up and telling you to shove a burrito up your ass, I don't think that counts. Well, so I was getting a lot of calls for a long time.

This was a little while back. A lot of angry people were ringing me up asking why their fucking tacos were late. Like, I got a lot and I was like, oh, this is just all you guys. You've somehow coordinated a little attack on me. So I was like, I'll just continue on with it. And it just kept going. I'm like, I'll wait it out. It will finish.

It did not finish. It kept going. I'm like, I'll wait it out. It will finish. It did not finish. It kept going. It went on for so long. And I was just going, how the fuck do I fix this? Because I can't then, I can't like Google, how do you get your number off Guzman E. Gomez or whatever it is. So it went on for ages. And then.

You started making burritos, eh? May as well lean into it. Did anyone ask you Is this Rodriguez? Guzman E. Gomez E. Chando Did you contact Guzman E. Gomez And say this is what's happening Do you want me to help you out? Just don't redirect it to his voicemail

So I was getting a lot of calls So then What happened was Because I couldn't fix it I decided to just roll with it So I was getting a lot of texts going, where is it? I'm like, it'll be there in five minutes or come down and demand twice your money back. So I was just being creative with it and doing a lot of this stuff.

People were ringing me up and I was like, they'll ring up and they were like, is this Guzman? He goes, Gomez. I'm like, yes, Gomez speaking. And they're like, where's my burritos? I'm like, oh, fuck it. I've got to make a lot my burritos I'm like oh fuck and I've got to make

a lot of burritos I can't keep track of all of them Ask Guzman Guzman's on maternity leave So anyway it finally and people were getting

really angry at me and then it finally sort of ended because we were at the what was it called the music festival up in Queensland. Splendour in the Grass.

Splendour in the Grass. And I was with Dil, back when Dil was still drinking, aka the good old days. So I was with him and I was getting all these messages going, this is outrageous, this is too far, I still haven't got my burrito. And Dil was really drunk, he literally just fell on the ground at that point. And so I just took a picture of him and said i'm sorry but our chef is drunk i said i said you really don't want your dinner tonight he's pissed in most of the burritos and then and then the wood and then this is the only positive reaction I got.

She texted back and went, ha, ha, ha, that is so funny. That fat guy looks really funny. I'll eat his piss. So then I finally found out someone else, the next person hit me up. I went, please, you know what, I give up. How are you getting this number? And they gave me the link of where they'd found the number and whatever and I was like, thank you so much.

I hit up Guzman and Gomez and said, look, you've got the wrong number. You've got the wrong number on your website and whatever. If you can change it, that'd be great. And they go, oh, so sorry to put you out. Here's fucking 10 free burritos. Whoa! So keep pranking me, fuckheads. Yeah, sounds like that was totally worth ten burritos

You miserable fucking idiot I just hope they weren't cooked by him But anyway Fuck that is so good Why should you get them all at once the ten burritos What That's great That's the way the gift cards there work.

You have to get them all at once. It's such a thrill. Well, it looks like the pre-party's catered as well now. We've got food. We can all split up

ten burritos. Yeah, so then, so I got that. Your audience members get five each. You said that like you weren't sure what it was.

I was like, that's a math joke. I think I got the numbers right. No, I don't mean that. No, but I like the silence. There was a little silence motion between because all of these guys went was like, that's a math joke. I think I've got the numbers right. No, I know what you mean. No, but I like the silence. There was a little silence motion between because all of these guys went, no, there's heaps of us.

Oh, you meant solo show. And then they're all saying they're iffy because they're like, that sounds like he overestimated. It doesn't ring true, you know? So anyway, so that happened a couple of months ago. The latest one, I bring that up, I remember that because I had another sort of crank call the other day. I got an unknown number. I try not to answer too many numbers I don't know.

There was a number I didn't know, I answered it. Whatever, you get excited whenever your phone vibrates. And the voice on the other end said, Oh, I'm sorry, I accidentally called you. This is Tommy Daslow's mum. And it really was. So my question is, why has your mum got my phone number?

In case Tommy dies of cancer and she needs another son. Is that fucked up? Is that fucked up? Is that fucked up? No, you're good, dude. No, I like good, dude. No, I like it. It's probably not right by Islam, but I don't care. We hate death by cancer.

It's more swift. We want to keep in touch with you. You look like the thing that our son had. Did she... Yeah, but I look like the cancer, you look like the chemo. Did she not explain to you? No. Well, you know, it was midnight. I had a fair idea what she was ringing for.

Well, because that's my side of the story. I was like, my mum was asking me to help her with something with her phone. Like, she couldn't work out how to call back people that had called her. And so this is like the day after you'd gotten that call from her. And so I go into her call log and then the second most recent call is Carl Chandler. Like, you son of a bitch. But she said it was, she called you by accident and then realised what she was doing and then sort of was like, oh, no, and then you call back

and you go, hello, this is Carl Chandler. How can I help you? Carl, is it true that your voicemail is just you saying you've probably got the wrong number? But why is she... You went through the phone log. Why am I saved in your mum's phone? Because last year when it was your birthday, she asked for your number so she could send went through the phone log. Why am I saved in your mum's phone? Because last year, when it was your birthday,

she asked for your number so she could send you a happy birthday text. Oh. Yeah. What a bitch! Yeah! It sounds like she didn't do it. Just nice to have the option. She probably passed your number on to Guzman and Gomez.

Oh! That was it. Yeah. Thanks for the burritos, mum. Oh, yeah. My mum's maiden on to Guzman and Gomez. Oh, that was it. Thanks for the burritos, Mum. Oh, yeah. My mum's maiden name is Guzman. Oh, another one in your family with a made-up name. Yes, yes. Have we got...

Are we doing something? There's someone offside of stage that is wanting to... A slight surprise guest, I think. Yeah, we were talking about food for a long time. Yeah. A slight surprise guest, I think. Yeah, we were talking about food for a long time. Yeah.

Well, I'm certainly very confused. Yeah. So am I. Anyway, all right. Well, I guess I'm introing you. I thought you were just going to burst onto the stage in a bit of a surprise moment. But now it's exposed that this is very scripted. Please welcome to the stage Dilruk Jai Singha!

Hello! Hi everyone. Yeah. You knew I was, I said, just get me on, I have some gripes to air. I thought you said grapes, I thought you were... Fuck yeah, I don't eat fruit. I do love the diversity that you bring to the podcast. You've got two Sri Lankan comedians. Not one woman.

That's great. I would say one. Hey, that's harsh. Nazeem's funny. Even your new... So much like gender diversity, even the new guy you got, his name is Guy.

I'm not taking any risks here but no i i feel like after the roast we should you know bring some positivity back to this podcast we all we went back like it was ever here it was it was quite cathartic in a way but i do have some gripes i have some issues uh with the both of you for separating. Number one, Carl, first of all. Thanks for announcing that I was on Utopia without checking with me first. Well, you just said it then, so shut the fuck up. No, no. I would have...

You know, maybe I would have liked to have told people first. Maybe, maybe. Or maybe I would have got into trouble, Carl. I don't know. Maybe... I was going to get angry with you. Then I felt bad because then I realised, oh, it's not your fault.

You don't know what it's like to have a job that actually fucking matters. Oh! You've got your little imaginary radio show. It's all fun and games here. Well done on getting the job of three extras. Yeah, You really offended Dil. Dil wanted to take a selfie of himself

on the set like he likes to do online. They won't allow me to. No, but I mean, you've probably already asked, haven't you? Because I've seen your Twitter accounts, just selfies all day. Here's me waking up. Here's me fucking having breakfast. Here's me... Having breakfast again. See?

See, you're saying that all I take out of it is, wow, Tom Gleeson follows me. No, no, no, no. It was retweeted by someone I like. I don't follow you. I blocked you. Just like he blocks a doorway. That was better.

Friday flashbacks. The other issue is with Thomas Alsop for the advert that you did on last week's episode. Yeah, I got all the details wrong. I believe I'll be amending that in the advert that will be at the start of this week's episode. Oh, I got all the details wrong. I believe I'll be amending that in the advert that will be at the start of this week's episode. Oh, yeah, well, that's good. That's good. It was really interesting.

I know some people would have heard it. Two of you teed off on me about the title of my show and how bad it is. What is it again? The Art of the Deal. And I thought it was so cute that you thought you didn't think you know anything about marketing a show. That was so lovely because it was so funny to me

because literally I was listening to it while messaging my manager about putting extra shows because I've sold too many tickets already. It's literally happening. Oh, man, it feels bad to be burnt inside an empty room like this. You know, again... With the delivery of that joke, it sounds like it does feel bad to be bad. I mean, you know,

this is the podcast. They're here for the guests, not you two. You've seen your solo show sales, haven't you? I don't follow... I mainly read about this podcast online. I don't actually listen to it. But am I right, Dylan, thinking that you're kind of a celebrity with

people who enjoy this podcast? Is that right? Well, let's just find out. Who here is coming to see my show already or bought tickets already? So you're like a celebrity on this podcast. That's what I feel like on TV. IRL.

And your shows are proud to advertise the fact you're on it. Yeah. Yeah. I draw viewers, yeah. Oh, man. But I thought, okay, well, I didn't know you were going to do that, but I thought it's only fair that you guys give me a second chance at advertising it.

Well, at least, I thought on like at least half price. So here's that. And I'm just going to, I was going to advertise my show, maybe even the extra show that I'm doing next Saturday, 5.30 p.m., April 22nd, whatever. But then tickets have been good and I feel bad. So what I'll do is I'll do something nice and I'll advertise your solo shows because no one's going to that. So please, ladies and gentlemen, this is actually my money.

This is incredible. I'm doing the podcast to promote. Go see Tommy Dasolo in Dinner for Two and Carl Chandler at what the fuck his show is incredible. And I'm paying the podcast to promote. Go see Tommy Dasolo in Dinner for Two and Carl Chandler at what the fuck his show is called. It's not good, but it's nice to help people sometimes. It is. Dilger's Trojan Horse, literally the deepest cut I've ever seen. You boys just got fucked up.

I know. Like, I don't know if you saw it, but sometimes when I do the gala, I tell people not to donate money to Oxfam. I say they should donate it to you. I feel so bad. You look so sad like you want to make a wish, bro. Yes, please. please wish this cancer

off the stage. Imagine if someone from Make-A-Wish, their wish was that they really liked this podcast and they'd like to have it live in their hospital ward. Like, ah, there's not much we can talk about. And then we're like, can we just do our solo shows instead? No, I'd rather be dead.

I'm just confused because he came on and said he wanted to inject a bit of positivity back in the podcast and then just smashed us and went, oh, I'm so great, I'm selling out. Yeah, cool, it's a 75-seat room. You can fit two punters in there once you're in it, you fat man. Everyone look how tightly Tommy Deslo is grasping that $50 note. It's the most money he's seen all festival. And also, by the way, I gave you that money before

because you don't have a 50 on you, you fucking idiot. How do you think I became so rich? By cheating dumb cunts like you. But don't get too excited about your extra show. Your venue's so small, I could fit your show in my fucking balcony. Yeah, but you've been going 20 years, I've been going six years. You should be selling better than me. It would be embarrassing if you weren't.

It's embarrassing that you brought it up. I know. And I'm the same age as Carl. I did not see that coming. Well, we're both the same weight as you. But dig deep, guys. Go see Tommy and Carl. That's all I wanted to say. And you're the same weight as you But dig deep guys Go see Tommy and Carl That's all I wanted to say And you're the same age

As Tommy's appearance Is that right? Sorry I was making a bit of noise No I was good But I don't know What happened then I feel bad

I saw his face Thank you All right We've got to wrap this up For another week Can I have my money? This is so brutal. This is the most brutal thing I've been a part of, by the way.

Shut up, cunt. I must admit, this just feels like my normal life. I've enjoyed it. I'd be saying it to people who work in customer service. Instead, I'm saying it to you. All right. We've got to wrap this up folks Give it up for Guy Montgomery

Nazeem Hussain, Tom Gleeson If you're listening at home they've all got shows in the festival That you can go and check out Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time See you mate